All language subtitles for Jonathan.Creek.S01E01.576p.01.29.00.eng

"DANSE MACABRE" BY SAINT-SAËNS)

The title of this group
is "Seductio ad Absurdem",

in which we see a juxtaposition
between the sensuous

and the fatuous.

I was trying through mischievous images

to question our received
ideas of female beauty.

Women are induced from
adolescence onwards

to paint out personality,

to falsify femininity in
pursuit of a cosmetic standard.

To me, as an artist, beauty is purity.

It's a shame we're made to feel
guilty about our natural features,

the essence of what
defines us as individuals.

Hedley Shale, thank you.

Pleasure.

Isn't that...?

Nude Study 12
- oil on canvas.

I knew the face was familiar.

You're so transparent, I may throw up.

Well, that brings back
memories. Anyone I know?

From photographs this time.

Haven't had a live model in months.

You must be losing your touch.

Bye, darling

Hi, it's me.

No, she's left.

I don't know and I don't care.

Just come and make me
bark like a sea lion.

Morning, Helen.

Morning, Joy. Good weekend?

- Not bad, thanks. You?
- Fine.

Hold all calls till lunch.
I'll sort the paste-up.

I'll try and...

Serena Shale's office.

I'm sorry, she's not at the mom...

If you'd like to leave your...

I'm afraid it's...

No, but she...

Yes. Yes, one second,
then. What name was it?

Sorry, Serena, a quick one.

Davina... Yates send us a spec
portfolio. What do we think?

Too short, too fat
and an eyebrow problem.

She'd like her pics back.

OK, if you make it quick.

Won't disturb you again.

Hello, Danny... Devito... Davina!

Have you done much
professional modelling?

Serena Shale's office.

I'm sorry, she can't now.
Can she call you back?

Morning.

Never a day off from
that vacuum cleaner!

If it breaks, you can
come and lie underneath it!

OK... yeah.

Fine.

Bye.

Who is this?

Who do you...

What happened?

I don't know.

He had a black hood that covered
his head and a black sweater.

That's when I passed out,
because when I came round,

he's put this stuff over my mouth
and eyes and he's tied up my hands!

A French model
- Francesca Boutron.

I can't take any of this in.

Well, this is how it was told to us.

Miss Boutron arrived
at your house at 9.15.

She and your husband
made love for two hours,

then, when she was in the
bedroom getting ready to leave,

he went downstairs to take a call.

A man wearing a black hood got
into the bedroom through the window,

tied up Miss Boutron and took jewellery.

Mr Shale went up to investigate.

And he was shot twice in the chest.

The girl who comes to clean
for you, Katrina Toplis,

arrived then, but by the time she
and a neighbour found the body,

the killer had got away through the garden,
dropping his spoils en route, it seems.

Now, you may know of an incident
similar to this that happened recently.

A man in a black mask tied up the
householders while he ransacked the house.

But due to the circumstances, Mrs
Shale, I have to ask the question,

where were you at the time all this
happened, at 11.25 this morning?

At 11.25 I was here.

I haven't left this room since I
arrived at 9.30. My PA will tell you.

It's true. I've been out there all that
time. She never even opened the door, I swear!

Oil paint off the door
handle in my husband's studio.

Thank you, Mrs Shale. We'll be in touch.

I'm... er... I'm very sorry.

That'll be £43.92, then, please.

Sixty-seven.

Excuse me?

I made it £43.67.

Sorry.

That's not what the computer
says. Did you want any cash back?

The computer is wrong. I don't know how.
A fault in your software or something.

Sorry. There's always some smart alec!

That's all right.

I suppose we could check
to be on the safe side.

Sorry, Miss. We'll have
to close this checkout.

I apologise.

This will sound phoney, but...

what the hell!

You have been the warmest, most
appreciative audience I've ever played to.

It's been an absolute
joy and I thank you.

Goodnight.

Applause, applause, applause and music.

Found him backstage, Mr
Klaus, by the equipment.

Two minutes, we can make
him forget everything!

Yes... er... no, really, guys.
He designed the equipment.

He's cool. I'm sorry.

Jonathan Creek, this
is Herbie and Rhino.

Sorry, Mr Creek, we didn't realise.
Maybe they should get you a badge.

Rhino.

Security, Jonathan.
How far do you take it?

No, that's fine.

I enjoy being strangled and
sterilised at the same time

That tweak on Queen of Hearts
worked. Can't tell the switch.

Queen of Hearts is fine, but Iron
Maiden? Where did that whip come from?

It's dynamic.

Like the leather corset and
boots she wears to tie you up?

It's meant to be a family show,
Adam, not a bank commercial!

Sex and sorcery. Indivisible
since the beginning.

While I yield to your theoretical
genius, allow me the area of presentation.

Talking of which, we have
a problem with Psycho.

Judy has flu. I need someone who knows
the timing to escort the volunteer.

- If you haven't anything on all week...
- No, I haven't anything ON all WEEK.

Great. See you at 6.00.

Oh, and don't forget
your passport this time.

Cheers, Adam.

- Why don't you just have him neutered?
- I'm sorry?

He doesn't have a chance, does he?
Playing genie of the lamp to you.

When do you think he last did
it? Think he's ever done it?

- Not since he's been with me.
- How do you know?

Because I know!

The closest he's got to a kiss
is the dental nurse's funnel.

So, he has to find other outlets.

And that's when he
does his... best work.

He has a brilliant analytical brain. I don't
want the power drained to another organ.

Look, all right, I'll
cop for that one, OK?

Arundel Road job, I'll come quietly.

But Hedley What's-his-face,
no way! Not my style.

On my life, I didn't do 'im!

Look, you found some prints
on the gun? Were they mine?

- Mr Grism...
- Were they mine?!

They don't belong to anyone
connected to this case.

He might have borrowed
the gun and worn gloves.

It's hardly a testament
to your innocence.

- Now, is there anything else?
- Yeah.

I'd like to exercise my right
to an investigative journalist.

Are you still on the phone?

No.

BBC were getting back to
me about a documentary.

Mm-hm.

Wonder why they haven't rung.

Don't know.

Hello?

Superintendent?

My name's Madeline Magellan.

I'm researching a book on
bungled police prosecutions...

Sorry?

It's in connection with the
death of Mrs Doreen Harker,

who tragically hanged herself last week while
in police custody, with thick copper wire.

I was wondering, to be honest,
where she might have got...

From a thick copper, possibly?

I thought so!

They've probably hired somebody else!

Do you know how many
cameramen there are?!

- Don't point that thing at me, please.
- You're impossible!

You want injustice? Start with
this relationship! Put it down!

Trevor Michaels.

Yes.

Your publisher.

If it's bad news, Barry,
I don't want to know.

10,000 returns in
Australia, Madd, I'm sorry.

What did they do, print
them on boomerangs?

Tell me about it! Listen, we've had a call
from the solicitor of a Stephen Grismal.

He's charged with Hedley Shale's murder.

He claims it's a classic cock-up, but
it smells like it could go somewhere.

Can't you see? Someone has used my MO -

the mask, the black tape they tied her up with
- as a cover

to do this guy in, and we
know who had the motive.

Mr Shale's wife never left
her office that morning.

There's no way on earth she
could have got out unseen.

She did it!

I don't know how, but she went back to that
house and shot her old man in cold blood.

And she'll watch me go down for it,

unless someone like you can nail her.

Mrs Shale, a man's been charged with
your husband's murder. Any reaction?

I can't say anything. Sub judice.

But you must be relieved
that someone's been arrested?

Nothing anyone does
will bring Hedley back.

I just hope that whoever committed this crime
suffers the full force of British justice.

Know anything about art?

I know what I like!

Hedley Shale, ever heard of him?

Yeah... um...

Trevor...

- I think we should have a moratorium.
- Moratorium?

What's that? A polite
word for bugger off?

It's not working, we both know it.

Shale? That was him the other week. Shot by
a burglar while humping one of his models.

This her?

Try not to drool over the
crackers. It makes them soggy.

Why have a waist that size, except to
keep your skirt up with a wristwatch?

What are you doing?

Every time I call round, she's out.

Thought I'd tap into her answer
machine, see where it took me.

BT have a two-digit code.
That's 99 possibilities.

You're not serious?

Thirty... six...

36, bingo!

Three messages, please
press one for playback.

What have we got?

Oh, that's obscene!

- What is?
- The obscene call some pervo's left.

- Saying what?
- Gerroff! It's personal!

- You're beyond belief!
- Hang on.

This sounds hopeful.

Angelica and... Lionel...

meeting her tonight, 8.00, foyer...

Prince of Wales. Right, what's
on at the Prince of Wales?

Adam Klaus.

Conjuror, isn't he?

Row C, seat 4.

Who is that?!

Blonde, wavy hair. Heart attack on legs!

Familiar face. Is she that model?

For the artist who was
shot the other week.

I want to lie beside her
in a bath of warm glue!

Jenny? Jenny, black skirt and
jacket, red blouse, can we do that?

Mm-hm.

Francesca!

You look... terrific, I don't
care what the press are saying!

And after all you've been
through. Don't you reckon?

Oh, I'm sorry. I don't
know why you'd remember me.

It must be a good two years now. Maddy.

Magellan?

We met at that big bash at... oh...

Was it Cindy Lauren's engagement?

- Had I started my course by then?
- Your course?

Counselling through crisis.

I don't want to sound all social worker,
but it's been such a fulfilling venture!

I've learnt so much about steering people
through trauma, especially bereavement.

So, if there's any way I can help...

The main plank of our therapy

is that you have someone to
talk to, to purge yourself.

Well, I don't know.

I'll give you my number.
How does that sound?

So...

who's going to come out and play?

Hmm?

How about...

you?

Come on, don't be
shy. Isn't she a sport?

We're going to have some fun!

Isn't she beautiful?

Hold it there, OK?

- What's your name?
- Francesca.

Francesca. Ooh, it's hot up
here, isn't it, Francesca?

Hot and sticky.

Thank you, Stephanie.

Don't you feel hot and sticky,
Francesca? I bet you'd like a shower.

Come on, take a look.

Just a little freshen up, OK?

Step right up.

We have all the mod cons here.

Francesca, take off anything
you don't want to get wet.

That silk jacket. Let
me take care of that.

Very good.

And how about that blouse?
You don't want that to shrink.

Or that skirt?

It doesn't bear thinking about.

OK. Now, don't worry, no one's
looking. Throw it on over here.

This is not voyeuristic in any way.

"THE STRIPPER")

Come with me. We've got
one minute 29 seconds.

OK, how're you doing in there?

Are you ready for me to
come and wash your back?!

So, you create all these
fantastic illusions for Adam Klaus?

So, you must know all his secrets?

I've learned to keep my mouth shut.

Ever since I told his
girlfriend he had a hairpiece.

She heard "herpes" and tried to
circumcise him with a tin opener!

When I open this door,
step through and take a bow.

- OK, how's that?
- Yeah, fine. It just seemed to stick.

We need WD-40. Adam.

Sure.

Can you find a way, when I pull barbed wire
from my mouth that the ring is at the end?

What's happening now is that it...

Listen, on your way to the station...

What now?

- One quick favour.
- Not again!

I don't change my socks as
often as you change lovers!

That's something else we can discuss.

Don't worry about Yasmin. I swear,
Jonathan, this is the real thing!

- Her radiant smile lights up my life!
- What are you? A greetings card?

I am not traipsing round to her place
with this, Adam! Sorry, absolutely not.

- How long had you and Hedley...?
- Since July last year.

We met at a reception and he asked
how I'd feel about posing nude.

I said, "Sure. "

And the minute I took off my clothes,
I could feel he was attracted to me.

Isn't that funny?

And before you knew it,
you were secret lovers.

Which, for me, was frustrating.

He didn't want the
publicity of a divorce.

Serena could make things
unpleasant for him, for his career.

Right.

So, if you can just...
bear to go through it again?

Francesca... just let the pain flow out.

Um... that last morning...

the two of us...

it was beautiful!

You know how sometimes when you make
love it's like a nuclear explosion?

Yes?

Afterwards... we were getting
dressed and the phone rings.

Hedley went down to answer it.

I started to get dressed
and then from behind me

someone's put a hand over
my mouth so I can't breathe!

Then, when I turned round, there's this
man with like a black hood over his head!

And the next thing, I don't know,
I fainted for maybe a minute.

Because now... I've got this... tape

over my eyes... and my mouth!

And he's tied up my hands!

So when...

so when I heard the gun...

You're doing so well, Francesca.

You say he put a hand over your mouth.
Was it bare or was he wearing gloves?

It was gloves, I'm pretty sure.

Because you don't really know,
do you, that it was a man?

My God, what are you saying?

- That his wife...?
- No, no.

- Why would she do that to her husband?
- Because he was screwing another woman.

Granted.

But Serena was at work all morning.

A witness said she was in
her office and never came out.

What if she did? What if
she...? How do you know all this?

Let me.

Hi, is Fran...?

You'd better come in.

She's through there.

Morning. I was just passing.

Hi, how are you?

Adam Klaus would like you to have
this with his eternal, undying love.

This is so naughty of him.

What is he doing?

I cannot possibly wear this!

Tell him there's no way I can
accept. I don't even know him.

OK.

No, don't tell him that.

Tell him I will have dinner with him
tonight after the show at Caprice.

Right.

Well, you'll excuse me,
I've got to dash. Bye.

Adam Klaus!

Hmm?

Nah, it's a wacky idea.

If there was a way someone could
get out of a room undetected,

I suppose the man to ask
about it would be a magician.

- Or the guy who works for him.
- Exactly... Sorry?

That man who was just here
must have an incredible mind

to come up with all that stuff.

Had lunch yet?

- No comment.
- No comment?

- You're a journalist.
- What gave you that idea?

- Are you?
- No!

Why was a tape recorder
running in your bag?

Seven out of ten. I'm a writer,
but with a social conscience.

My last book got a case reopened.

WH Smith's, "True Crimes" with photos
of headless prostitutes on the cover!

That girl was having an affair
with Hedley Shale, who was shot...

- I read papers. Why ask if I've had lunch?
- Because I haven't.

I thought we could talk. I know
you're a whiz at magic tricks

and I wanted to pick your
brains about something.

- And you don't want to go to bed with me?
- I beg your pardon?

I'm not good on subtext with
women. It's safest just to ask.

I have no desire to go to bed
with you, or to see you naked,

or enter into anything
that involves undoing a zip.

I'm sorry I poked you last night.

It was an accident.

Shall we go in?

How do you know Grismal didn't do it?

Why would he? He'd just run for it.

Also, professional burglars don't
drop their loot leaving the scene.

She wanted it both ways. Forced
the drawer to look like a robbery,

and left the jewellery behind
so she'd get it back later.

Her alibi rests on her being
seen going into her office at 9.30

and was still there when
the police arrived at one?

Which, unfortunately, is proving...

What?

What?!

I just can't watch people eat raw
onions. It gives me indigestion.

I'm sorry for being such a gastronomic
klutz! I like onion rings, is that OK

Where does she work, Serena Shale?

God, what planet have you been on?

She's editor of "Eve" magazine
- grounds for prosecution in itself!

I dunno... how does it work?

How do you get out through a closed
door without someone outside noticing?

- What floor is the office on?
- 13th.

No ledges or walkways outside.

Plus the windows don't
open for safety reasons.

Hmm.

- Do a trick for me.
- I beg your pardon?

Something from your repertoire.

- I don't do tricks.
- You invent them.

You know all about them. Come on.

What do they call it? Close-up magic?

Have you got a tissue in your bag?

- Think of a well known city.
- Constantinople.

Put your hand on mine.

Concentrate.

Hard.

On Constantinople.

Right.

Very hard.

Now lift up the relish tray.

That is...!

How did you do that?

You don't want to know.

- How did you do it? -
It's mind-numbingly banal.

Tell me. I have to know.

I set it up.

People always ask me.

When I dropped my fork, I
grabbed a tissue out of your bag.

You went to the toilet. I asked the waiter to
write on it what you said and bring it here.

First tissue, I threw over
your head too fast to see.

That is mind-numbingly banal.

Thank you.

So...

...are you going to help me, then?

I'd need to know the
exact layout of the office.

- OK.
- And the movements of everyone.

So if I found a pretext
for us to go round there?

A pretext such as what?

Oh... leave that to me.

I've got it. I've got it!

Hi, Madeline Magellan, Mad
Cow Productions for Channel 4.

We're interviewing Serena Shale
at 3.30. It is all arranged.

- Would you like to take a seat?
- Thanks.

How does it feel?

Like I've been artificially
inseminated with a supermarket trolley!

How can I walk in a straight line?

I should've brought the manual. It's
a steadicam. It eliminates jerks.

So does Clint Eastwood, but I
wouldn't want him strapped to my chest!

We'll lift out this blocked pore.

Incredible! You can
take it away completely?

Absolutely, you won't see a thing.
Beats airbrushing, doesn't it?

- And you're able to match the skin tone?
- Perfectly.

And the left eye could
come down just a fraction.

I swear it's not level with the right.

Maybe thin out the neck a little.

Amazing, and to think
they start out like...

well, we're talking Quasimodo
with acne, aren't we?

- I'm giving away our trade secrets.
- We won't tell anyone.

Just a teensy few million viewers.

OK for you?

I wonder if I might
get stuff out there now?

- People at desks and...
- What he calls his texture shots.

Fine. We've got plenty
to chat about still.

So...

Just getting some texture shots.

Ready for a coffee?

Thanks.

She's bearing up well, eh?

- What is it? Four weeks since...
- Not a day I'll forget.

I hear they found the guy who did it.

Let's her off the hook at least.

I don't know how she could have done it.

She was in there all
morning. I saw her go in.

A 13th-floor office with sealed
windows. It's too ridiculous for words.

Lucky you were here all that time.

If you'd left the room,
bang goes her alibi.

- I didn't leave my desk till one.
- But you'd spoken to her? Put calls through?

No. It's more than my life's worth
when she's not to be disturbed.

She often does that, shuts
herself off like a clam.

I don't wish to be rude, but we said an
hour and I know you'll only use two minutes.

You know what they're like.

Detectives! Wanting to
know all the ins and outs.

And when you'd got this
file from the cabinet?

I shut the door, went back to my desk,

picked up the phone again to this...
whatever her name was, Davina Bates or Yates.

Yates or Bates, I can't remember.
From then on, I didn't move.

And no, I didn't nod off at
my computer or pop to the loo.

I was here the entire time at my desk.

How could she get past me? By magic?

So, how's it looking? Have
you got everything you need?

I think I have.

What's the state of play?
Are we looking at a solution?

I'll need a few hours to
go over it from every angle.

Seems to all hinge on a
phone call that came in

from some girl called Davina Yates,
or maybe Bates, the PA can't remember.

- What difference does her name make?
- A big one if it's Yates.

Why?

It would explain how Serena
Shale could get out of that room

to go home and kill her husband.

Found it OK?

It doesn't exactly merge
into the background, does it?

It's been in the
family five generations.

My parents emigrated and I stayed put.

I quite like it, really.

Living alone concentrates
the mind. You must find that.

What makes you think I live alone?

You're not sleeping with
anyone on a regular basis.

Oh, really?

Those onion rings hang around for days.

Is that right?

Want to come up?

My big passion.

The golden age of illusion.

Robert Houdin, Maskelyne, Devant.

I was born 100 years
too late, basically.

I take it this is a disease
that struck in childhood?

I never wanted to be a magician as such.

Swanning about with silk hankies.

It was... The ingenuity at the back of
it always fascinated the hell out of me.

I started dreaming up a few ideas...

...sending them round.

Eventually, I got hooked up with Adam.

And your parents are abroad now?

Philadelphia.

My dad teaches epidemiology at PAU.

They come over at times to see
if I've got a proper job yet.

You know how parents look at you as if
you've just got engaged to a fruit bat.

They can't get behind me
opting out from college.

Academic future.

- Like it's a cop-out to try
and escape. - Oh, brilliant!

Is that a thing to make you look as if
you're... I've always wanted a go on one!

Maybe later.

Now...

Serena's office, more or less
to scale, based on the video.

When did you do this?!

Oh, I love it!

All the little details!

You're mad.

Recapping.

From what she said and
from your police contacts,

Serena arrives at 9.30 through here.

Unlocks the door to her office.

They have a little conversation outside.
Serena goes in while Joy answers the phone.

She sits down at her desk.

Joy comes back in to get
the file from the cabinet.

She closes the door,
goes back to her desk,

stays there for the next three
hours. How does Serena get out?

Panel in the wall?

She's had a gang of chippies in there?

She didn't, then, did
she? It doesn't work.

Correct. So, what happens if she
never went in in the first place?

No, but her PA said
she saw her at her desk.

No, she saw a pair of legs and
some smoke, which proves nothing.

This time, you be Joy.

OK.

A little conversation outside the door.

Then the phone rings on your desk.

Ring-ring. You turn
to answer it. Go on.

Serena closes the door and ducks
down here behind this chair.

It's a bit convenient, isn't it? The
phone rings at that exact moment?!

But not impossible. Serena could
have worked it using a mobile.

She's already keyed the
number, she just presses send,

knowing that Joy will
turn her back to answer it.

So, when Joy thinks she's talking
to this girl about her pictures...

...it's actually Serena.

And, as she talks, she moves
round behind the other sofa.

So, now Serena invites Joy, apparently
over the intercom, to collect the photos.

If she can work the
trick with the phone,

there's no reason why she
couldn't have a bug rigged up.

Joy steps through. This is
where the girl's name comes in.

You have to get right down for this.

You've got three cabinets
- nine drawers divided alphabetically.

If you're looking for
Bates under A-C, top left,

it's no good, see. The outer
doorway is clearly in vision.

But if you're crouching down
at the third one, after Yates,

the doorway is just masked.

Enough for Serena to slip out of the
room and then down the fire escape.

Coming back,

she just nips in again
while Joy's in reception,

goes back to her desk and swears
she's been there all morning.

Right.

Very good.

You see, it's like the tissue.

People beg me to explain, but it's
the last thing you want to hear.

You're disproving a miracle.

Houdini walked through a wall
bricklayers built on stage.

People swore he had the
power to dematerialise.

To find out he used a trap door
is too mundane. You feel cheated.

Magic is an illusion.
The illusion's not magic.

No.

Right.

- Thanks, then.
- You're welcome.

It's amazing, I suppose, to think she
could have done all that to create an alibi.

But of course she didn't, did she?

What do you mean?

She's left her office empty for three
hours with a pair of legs propped up?

What if the PA puts through a call or
there's a fire drill? It's blown to bits.

It's a text book explanation.
It's not real life.

So... er... sorry, what are you saying?

The more I go over it...

...this bloke Shale,

his life and work and everything...

...the more I think we're
missing something obvious.

You see, this is the
one that won't go away.

Fingerprints on gun
- three question marks.

- You said...
- The killer wore gloves, Francesca said.

- Why would he remove them?
- Why leave the gun at all?

Dropped it, I suppose,
in the hurry to get away.

Anyway, they couldn't get a match on those
prints against Grismal or anyone else -

Serena, Francesca, that cleaning girl.

Even the victim himself, so we can
cross off elaborate suicide hoax.

Yet the prints were very clear. What
does that suggest? They were quite fresh.

Conclusion, there must have
been another person in the room.

Do you mind if we slip
this thing off now?

I'm a bit worried it might...

Um...

What?

Go on, say the word. Buckle?

No.

No, no, no.

Well, yeah.

There's a limit on the
strain this can take.

It's a good job I've got
a positive self-image!

OK, get me down.

Then I'll explain our next move.

Let me undo...

- What do you mean, our next move?
- I think you get off on puzzles like this.

You just don't want to admit
I've whetted your appetite.

- Is that a fact?
- Mmm.

The back garden is totally
enclosed for security reasons.

No side or rear gates. You can
only get in through the house.

So, she had to climb over
a fence or wall somewhere.

Maybe use one of these trees?

Waited till he'd gone downstairs, then
moved in up that wrought iron staircase.

It's important Francesca
saw her with the hood,

so the burglar thing would
work. What do you think?

I could be at home instead of here
with a shoe full of stoat vomit,

developing several
strains of nettle rash!

If we're gonna do it, let's just do it.

Whatever I say, back me up. There's got
to be something up there she's overlooked.

Yes?

Hi, we've come to see Serena. She's
helping on a series for Channel 4.

She's at work.

Oh, of course she is!

She said she'd pop back to the office
for an hour and meet us here at 12.00.

I'm just cleaning. She never...

Gosh, it's nippy! I don't
want to get you in trouble,

so we'll just come inside and wait.

Goodness!

Oh, no, no! Please, let me.

They are very valuable.

This one's a pen and
ink by Salvador Dali.

It's over 50 years old.

I couldn't just pop to your
bathroom for a second? Do you mind?

- I promise not to touch anything.
- It's the first door at the top.

Do you want to take a seat, then?

Perhaps I'll ring Mrs
Shale's work number.

Make sure she knows about all this.

Right... good idea.

Engaged, as usual.

Do you think your friend's all right?

Yes. Bit of a gippy tummy, I think.

Maybe I ought to see if she's OK.

- Oh, I'm sorry!
- It's OK. It's OK, don't worry.

Don't worry. Let me.

Are you OK?

It's just, so many things
keep bringing it back!

The letter that was on the
mat when I came in and...

It's like a bad dream!

You think you're over it, and then...

It's OK.

Come on, here.

It's all OK.

It's all OK.

Here, have a good old squirt.

Thank you!

These things take time.

It's Martin, me husband.
He's come to pick me up.

He gets very jealous,
so I'd better let him in.

Good idea.

Before he tries to
chew a hole in the wall!

Martin, it's not what you think!

He's here to see Mrs Shale!
He wasn't doing anything!

- He just gave me something to blow on!
- Is that right?

Oh, what's this? Some dust on your
face? Here, let me get that for you!

Don't go near my wife again!

Ever, ever, ever!

Definitely.

Understood.

Oh, you are kidding?!

Oh, that is... So, it's
a cock-up, basically?

All right, I will. Bye.

My office gave us the wrong day! It's not
till tomorrow. We'll see ourselves out, bye!

What are you...?!

Morning.

Is something wrong?

I don't think so.

Where is the napkin?

- Napkin, Mrs Shale?
- From a café in Paris

30 years ago. There was an autographed
drawing on it by Pablo Picas...

She did it.

What did you find?

Nothing that stands up, but she
did it. It's there in her face.

Where did you get that from?

From the bedroom floor.

Which is another thing. That
rug with his blood on it,

you'd throw it away, wouldn't you?
But she's left it. She must be sick!

I saw something, but... I don't know.

What?

A letter that was on the doormat the day
he was killed, from the Inland Revenue.

What, you think he had
some sort of tax problem?

No, that's not the point.
It was on the doormat.

Doesn't that tell you that
something strange is going on? Lf...

That's never the time?! I'm
supposed to be somewhere!

Mm, poussin! Who told
you I adored poussin?

A little bird!

A little bird! See, she's always
there. A mind like quicksilver!

Such a talent!

In every department!

Jonathan, can we lick her
into shape for Sunday, hmm?

The Iron Maiden?

Well, the only thing I'd say is,
you've got a TV crew covering it

and it must stand up to close scrutiny.

Yasmin has done it 50 times.

Yasmin is no longer part of
the story, for whatever reasons.

I'm a quick learner, Jonathan.

Do you trust me?

No, no!

No, listen, if it's in the
cellar, I want to see it!

No, Adam. Hedley was
never happy with it.

He said, and it's embarrassing, that
no painting could ever do justice to...!

Listen, I'll buy it!
Just you name your price!

Some other time. No,
Adam, are you crazy?

I'm fascinated to see how he saw you.

The light is not good, so...

Oh, my God.

They're bullet holes.

- Wh...?
- What?!

Someone's been here with a gun.

Come on, let's get out of here.

From now on, you don't leave my side.

I think it's just someone's idea of a
sick joke, but I'm taking no chances.

Jonathan, see you at the theatre,
Monday at 3.00. Thank you, Bruno.

This is it.

Victoria Station.

Hi. Katrina, is it?

Who are you?

I told you, I'm...

One of those nasty meddling writers
that pervert the course of justice.

I came round yesterday because...

- You think Serena killed her husband.
- Do you?

I don't know what to think any more.

Is that...?

Well.

I hadn't seen that one coming.

Don't tell me I was naïve.

Sex was just a small
part of what we had.

I'd never met a man like him.

He had so many great qualities.

Monogamy wasn't one of them.

All the same, I didn't
know about Francesca.

In some ways, that hit
me as much as his death.

I know what she must be going through.

Why haven't you told anyone?

That I was one of Hedley Shale's lovers?

You've met my husband.

I don't want to spend the rest of my
life looking like an early Francis Bacon.

I'd better go.

Keep meddling, won't yer?

For Hedley's sake.

Yeah?

Plot thickens. Guess who I
ran into? Katrina the cleaner.

She was also sleeping with Mr Shale!

The guy had staminal That was
two models he was knocking offl

And what's all this about
mutilated portraits in the cellar?

I was at the nick. Your friend was demanding
police protection for his assistant.

Like he thinks she might be on a
hit list. He might have a point.

- Why did you lie to me?
- What?

Why did you say you lived alone?

I didn't.

It was one of your deductions.

But you didn't bother to correct me!

- Pardon?
- You wanted my help,

and you knew the best way was
to appear single and unattached.

Uh... I'm sorry, what am
I being accused of here?

That I induced you with sexual favours?

No, you made it clear
you had no interest in me!

So how did I deceive you?

By telling me categorically
that you weren't interested in me

in such a way that
implied your interest!

I don't have to listen to this!

It wouldn't hurt you to
stop acting and be yourself!

Really And it wouldn't hurt you for once
not to be so self-righteously bloody honest!

- Hello?
- You can't imagine the fetid quagmire

that passes for my love life!

It has no stability of any kind!

OK, say I was enjoying your
company! Stranger things have happ...

Hello?

Thank you, Mr Bean

I told you to stay outside
Francesca's door and not to move!

Sorry, Mr Klaus, I had to pass urine.

I don't pay you to pass
urine. I pay you not to move!

There's a girl there whose
life could be in danger if...

I have put on three
pounds since last Sunday!

I can't do the show! I'll
never get inside that thing.

Listen, I'm going to go over
some things with the director.

I'll leave Jonathan here, and he's going
to lock the door, aren't you, Jonathan?

And it's going to stay
locked until I get back.

So melodramatic! What will
happen to me in my dressing room?

Nothing.

I'll make sure of that.

I'm just going to freshen up, OK?

Hi.

She's in the shower at the moment.

My name's Serena Shale from
"Eve" magazine. She'll know me.

Would you give her a message?

Tell her I want to buy her
story. I'm absolutely serious.

Tell her to forget anything personal
between us, this is a professional enquiry.

I'd like to publish her account
of her affair with my husband.

I'm prepared to make a generous offer.

Right.

I'm coming to the show tonight.

Maybe we could meet for a drink
afterwards to discuss terms.

For the third time of asking, can
you ring me at the theatre ASAP?!

I've been trying to ring you.

You didn't half talk a
load of crap last night.

So did you.

But I accept your unconditional apology.

Thanks.

My God, what's he doing to me?!

- I think I've fathomed it.
- What?

- How Hedley Shale was murdered.
- How?

Things don't make sense
till you put them together.

Why was the rubber band on the
floor? Why was the letter on the mat?

- Why fire bullets into a painting?
- Why?

First, clear your mind
of all preconceptions.

This is more calculated
and evil than we imagined.

How're you doing? The place is jumping!

This is so weird. I
mean, it's just weird!

What?

Someone stole my weighing machine.

The set of scales I brought in? But
this door has been locked all day!

How did they get inside this room?

I gotta go.

Are we all set?

Fiona! Hi, kitten!
Come on in! How are you?

Come on in!

Hi! Serena Shale, I don't
think you've met Jonathan,

or my friend Madeline.

We're old friends.

They lied their way into
my office the other day.

Pity, we could have done
with some TV exposure.

Still... ten out of ten for technique.

You can come and work for me any day.

How about when hell freezes over?

So, how much are you offering her?
It'll be worth it, whatever it is.

It'll up your circulation.

I just wonder if you've
got it right this time.

Meaning what?

The police dropped their murder
charge against Stephen Grismal.

- Dropped?
- New evidence.

What new evidence?

Evidence, I'm afraid, supplied by us.

Francesca, I think you said you
got to the house that day at 9.15?

Yes, 9.10, 9.15.

Mrs Shale, what time does the
postman call at your place?

About half past eight. I think
I passed him on my way out, why?

There you are, that's
what never made sense.

The letter on the doormat started it
all. The footprint on the envelope.

It was you snooping around my house! My
God, you've got some explaining to do!

What have you found out?

A letter addressed to Hedley
Shale from the Inland Revenue

was lying on the floor when they
discovered the body at 11.30. Why?

He'd been to that door at
9.15 to let Francesca in.

He must have seen it. A letter
from the tax man, you'd pick it up.

And why, if he wasn't shot by the
burglar, would someone want him dead?

No mystery about that
- revenge.

He was sleeping with another woman.

A simple crime of passion.

Plus the added benefits later when it
could be exploited for commercial gain.

Right, Francesca?

And that's why you murdered him.

What?

You knew your husband
was having an affair.

We all jumped to the conclusion
that it was Francesca.

Didn't we? Because that's
what you made us believe.

But the truth of it is,
Francesca wasn't his type.

Unlikely as it may seem.

It was all there in his work. He was into
a different kind of beauty in a woman.

Something that went
deeper than pore cleanser.

Something he found in Katrina Toplis.

Katrina?!

I'm afraid.

Hedley and Katrina!

That's who he really had
scheduled for his romp that day.

Francesca never figured
in his life at all.

I think that's right, isn't it?
Even after you stripped off for him.

He still somehow managed to resist.

And you couldn't handle that.

What did he do? Tell you to keep the
painting as a peace offering and go away?

Hedley loved me! He
could not live without me!

Well, you proved that. And you
made him pay for that rejection.

You made sure you'd go down in
history as his ill-fated lover.

His death would be your
passport to fortune and fame.

What do you expect me
to say to all this?!

The whole thing would have
been physically impossible!

It's not hard to make things look
impossible, if you work at it.

It wasn't too difficult
to get over that wall

and into the bedroom.

He never picked up that letter because
you never went in through the front door.

Once you were inside, Hedley's on the
phone, Katrina's due at any minute.

You force the drawers to fake a robbery.

You threw the jewellery out of the window
to make it look like the thief dropped it,

messed the bed to make it
look like you'd been wrestling.

And then the devious bit.

You tied yourself up.

Couple of pinholes in the
blindfold, so you could see.

Once it's off, no one will check.

Then you brace yourself
against the wall,

elbow the vase over to get
Hedley's attention, and wait.

This is crazy! So, I've
just bound and gagged myself,

how did I shoot him?

Well, that was always the real stumper.

The prints on the gun which, apparently,
belong to no one who'd been there.

But we were wrong.

They belonged to you, Francesca.

Have you checked your facts? My
fingerprints were eliminated. Ask the police.

No one said fingerprints.

Not the first thing that
will occur to anyone,

that you'd fire the gun with your foot,

but you'd had plenty of target practice
with the painting you didn't want us to see.

So, when Hedley walked in,

you wouldn't miss.

Worthy of Houdini, the way you got
that elastic band on and off your foot,

but you'd had practice.

You can't possibly expect
the police to believe this.

Not without hard proof, obviously.

Which is why Jonathan had me pop
some bathroom scales down to the CID,

to eliminate your toe
prints from their enquiries.

Unfortunately...

Sorry about that.

OK, how are we doing in
here? Who wants a top-up?

What?

Miss Boutron.

You were nothing to him!

- You're less than nothing!
- No!

I will never be nothing again.

You still want my story?

It will cost you double!

So... can I give you a
lift back to your hotel?

Er... no, thanks, I
may as well get a cab.

You see, that's where I have
no idea how your mind works.

To suddenly lock into that area where
because only her hands were tied up...

I know. Somewhere I had that image
of those long prehensile toes.

And when I turned the TV remote
off with my foot, I suddenly saw it.

This coffee is a long time coming.

- They've probably forgotten us.
- Oh, well.

- I could ring again.
- No, to be honest, I should get back.

If you ever want any help again,

don't ring me, whatever you do.

Snooping round, getting molested
by vacuum cleaners, no thanks!

I promise I'll never bother you again.

Goodnight.

Night.