Original subtitles

God!

(SIGHS)

Damn it.

Again?

DOCTOR: Let me ask you something, Richard.

You sure it's not urine,

and you're not just wetting the bed?

Yeah, I'm sure. It's not.

It's just sweat.

Well, then the medical term for what you have

is "night sweats."

Okay.

But night sweats can be a precursor to bed-wetting,

and that is very serious.

How serious?

Like, uh, cancer?

No! It's embarrassing.

I mean, you're a grown man, Richard. Come on.

That's what children do.

But I'm not wetting the bed.

Yet!

How's your stress level been?

Uh, it's gotten worse. Um...

I have to get a working beta of my platform ready in time for January.

I just took money from a guy who is a nightmare.

I hired six new people.

We're going to have to spend a ton of money on new offices.

It's like every second there is a new issue that I have to solve.

I am stressed as hell.

Richard, currently, your stress level is here.

And that's night sweats level.

Got it? Now, if you're not careful and you let it go up...

Bed-wetting.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

DINESH: I love these walls.

You know what it is? They're exposed brick.

Why would anyone ever hide brick?

Did you see the conference nook?

Just think of the conferences we could have in this nook.

Yeah. But, I mean, this is really expensive. (CHUCKLES)

So, um, what did the doctor say?

Uh... It's nothing. It's just stress-related night sweats.

- I'll be fine. - That's good to hear.

- Are you relieved? - I would have been

if that idiot hadn't mentioned something

about how it can lead to, uh, bed-wetting.

I'm just trying not to think about it.

Good. Don't. Definitely.

Because just thinking about it would probably stress you out enough to make it happen...

Stop! Would you... Don't say "stress."

I just said that I was trying not to think about it.

Well, Richard, personal management is a big part of being a CEO.

You think working here might help?

(SIGHING) Actually, yeah. I think it would.

But, um, can we afford it?

Well, this is an investment in your mental health.

Richard, I mean, can you put a dollar value on not wetting your bed?

(GROANING) Don't...

If you want this, Richard, even with the money we wasted

on swag and billboards, I think I can make the numbers work.

It's your call.

Hey, guys. Um, this is Yelena.

She got off the elevator at the wrong floor

because her modeling agency is upstairs.

- Richard? - Yeah?

Please?

Primarily for other reasons, but, yes!

Yeah, sure. We're gonna take it.

- We're taking it. - Take...

- I'm gonna hug you. - No.

All right, this one's ready to go out to the truck.

Great. Take it out.

Okay, you know what? I said we should hire movers.

I don't do this kind of stuff.

I work with my mind, not with my hands.

In Pakistan, we had servants who did this.

It wasn't a big deal. We didn't pay them very much, and they were very happy.

I'll take out your box of tampons.

It's good for the soul.

(SIGHING)

Interesting pitch.

I will admit, I have never heard a Christian-oriented riff on dog-sharing.

But Christianity is borderline illegal in northern California.

Also, how would you scale?

Well, we could expand from sharing dogs, to other types of pets.

Pot-bellied pigs, ferrets...

I'm gonna stop you right there.

You do know that ferrets are illegal in the state of California? Hmm?

No? Well, then I suppose you also don't know

that pot-bellied pigs have been wildly unfashionable since 2005.

Owning a pot-bellied pig is frowned upon almost as much as being a Christian.

Thank you, gentlemen. Good day.

Now technically, I'm not passing on Dog Dammit.

I'm just not saying yes.

But who knows? The Lord works in mysterious ways.

- I don't have to tell you that. -(DOOR OPENING)

(DOOR CLOSING)

(KNOCK AT DOOR)

ERLICH: Richard, do you have a moment?

I'd like to present you something.

Okay, what's up?

- What are you doing? - Bowing.

The Japanese have the most advanced business culture in the world.

I am showing you respect by using their traditions.

And traditionally, you give a gift on important occasions,

such as the graduating of an incubee.

"Incubee"? Is that a word?

Of course it is. One who's been incubated.

The inhabitant of an incubator.

Okay. Okay.

- Now you bow. - I'd really rather not.

Richard' I need you to bow.

- To the waist. - To the waist?

There.

Now I hand this to you,

and it is customary for you to politely refuse,

and weakly say that you are not worthy.

Erlich, I really don't have time for this.

- That's perfect. Here you go. - Okay.

Oh, wow.

Japanese coin. Lowest denomination.

Wow.

Is this a kimono?

- Well, try it on. - Thank you, Erlich.

Is it on?

(SPEAKING IN JAPAN ESE)

According to Google Translate, that means,

"It has been an honor."

Yeah, all right.

Thank you. Thanks.

I'm still packing up, so I don't want to damage it.

Uh-uh...

Traditionally, it's rolled.

Okay.

Wikipedia.

Thanks, Erlich. I'll get you something.

Later.

Oh, little kohai, you've already given me a gift.

- Hi. - Hi.

Noah, from next door.

Oh. Hey, uh, Richard.

Moving out?

Yeah, some of us are, sort of.

Well, I'd be lying to say I was sad to see you go.

Okay. Heh.

Nothing personal. You seem like nice guys, just...

Houses full of renters aren't great for properly values.

Yeah, that makes sense.

This neighborhood is mostly families.

Okay. Well, we're moving out, so...

People with pets' you know?

- Mmm-hmm. - Well, good luck.

- You too. - What?

- You, too. - Mmm-hmm.

- Hey, Richard? - Oh, hey, Jared.

Richard, the hosting company that was going to be renting us sewer space

just dropped their bid.

Okay, well, let's just get servers from some other provider.

Well, I just contacted five other web services companies,

and they're all denying us.

I think I know what might be happening here.

JARED: All of them, Rackspace, SofiLayer, Amazon,

I mean, they can't afford to lose Hooli's business.

So, Gavin Belson can just pick up the phone and make us radioactive

to every single web-hosting service?

It's how these guys operate.

I mean, when Bill Gates got married on Lanai,

he rented every helicopter on the Hawaiian islands

so that paparazzi couldn't use them to fly over.

Although in that case, it was a positive,

because now you can imagine that wedding however you want.

- What? - Jared, our entire platform is web-based.

We need servers for that.

What the fuck are we going to do?

I know what the fuck we're going to do. But you're not going to like it.

We build our own sewers.

Gilfoyle, sewers are essentially a utility.

I mean, you wouldn't dig a well for water, or build a generator for power.

I think we should dig our own well, and build our own generator.

I also think we should store a year's worth of food and ammunition in a blast cellar.

But we don't.

So good luck when the shit hits the fan.

Look, Richard, we're about precision,

about shaving yoctoseconds off latency at every layer in the stack.

If we rent from a public cloud,

we're using sewers that are, by definition, generic and unpredictable.

(CHUCKLING) Yeah, but we're already up against a serious deadline.

I mean, how long is building our own sewers going to set us back?

If I busted my ass,

I could stand them up inside a week

right here in the house.

Look, Richard, truth is,

this is a huge positive.

I tried running the platform on my old Bitcoin rig.

At 5,200 gigaflops,

your algorithm flies 800 times faster on GPUs compared to normal CPUs.

No host could match the config that I build here in the house.

Oh, and also, we don't seem to have a choice.

But that would cost a ton.

And we don't have that kind of money just lying around.

It seems as though we do have that kind of money just lying around.

But that's for the office space.

- Was it? - No, no, no, no!

Jared, we already signed the lease.

It's too late' right? We can't break a lease.

I mean, we haven't given them the check yet.

- Here it is. - I could go mail it right now.

In this market, they could probably find another tenant in a day.

I doubt there would be an issue.

Fuck! Richard, please?

It's sewers or offices, Richard. We can't afford both.

(CHUCKLING) Damn it. I don't know what to do.

ERLICH: Well, then it's a good thing...

It's a good thing that I'm here' isn't it?

As much as I hate to agree with Gilfoyle, he's right.

You have but one option.

Stay here and build the sewers.

RICHARD: Are you sure?

Because I've got Carla and five other coders starting over the next few weeks.

Well, it's going to get a little cozy in here, but I'll endure,

for your sake.

What about all your other "incubees"?

I've heard quite a few exciting pitches over the last week,

but I'll be forced to forgo those opportunities because of your mediocrity.

You see, Richard, when I invited you into my incubator,

I promised to get you ready for the outside world.

But I failed to do that.

I wouldn't trust you out there in the real world as far as I could throw you.

And, to be honest, I could probably throw you all the way across the front yard.

Okay, but I don't want to stay here.

- I don't want you to either, Richard. - Okay.

So it's agreed. Welcome home, fellas.

Should we smoke some pot to celebrate?

(MACHINES BEEPING)

Gavin, thank you for coming.

I am certain that once you witness firsthand what Mr. Bighetti is up to,

you will see that he is worthless around here.

Worth is a relative thing.

Yes, but worthlessness is not. It is absolute.

People add value to this company in many different ways.

Of course, but look at this.

Bighetti has his team wasting valuable resources on a potato cannon.

BIG HEAD: Five, four, three, two, one.

Fire!

Jesus!

You see what your brightest minds are being wasted on?

Launching potatoes.

- What the fuck? - BIG HEAD: Sorry.

Perhaps they're developing it as a non-lethal form of crowd control.

DAVIS: I actually think that it could kill somebody.

But even so, compared to what my team has accomplished in a matter of days...

Come here, I want you to meet somebody.

BIG HEAD: All right, I've got a good feeling about this one.

One more time. Here we go. Everybody ready? Fire!

Oh, shit! You okay? Sorry. Shit.

DAVIS: This is Kiko.

Kiko was rescued after a Nicaraguan landmine severed both his arms.

My team, using technology developed at Somerville,

was able to devise an array of sensors that can non-invasively detect signals

from the neurons in the motor cortex of the brain.

So without surgery, we have given Kiko the gift of a usable prosthetic appendage.

What's he doing?

What Kiko chooses to do with the technology is not important.

What's important here is that, um,

in spite of what it may seem like on the surface,

building a device that is capable of this

is a remarkable scientific achievement.

And what you're looking at is really a testament

to my team and to my leadership, and I feel that...

(KIKO SCREECHES)

-(GROANS) -(KIKO WHIMPERS)

I'm going to have to insist that Bighetti be removed if I continue here.

Davis, there are a lot of forces at work here. There's a lot at play that you are not privy to.

Please do not question how I choose to run my company.

Of course, I just have to think that both of our interests

would be better served if Bighetti was not...

What is he doing now?

Oh, God.

Again, I have to stress that what the monkey chooses to do with the technology

is not necessarily an indictment of the technology itself.

- Gavin, please! -(KIKO SHRIEKS)

Okay. So I'll put 80 GPUs on racks against that wall.

GILFOYLE: We'll have three main cabinets in the center.

I'll try and pull 220-volt power from the washer-dryer for all the cooling units.

- So you'll need this entire space then? - Yep.

All right. I'll move my things.

- What? - JARED: It's okay.

I'll have it all in my car in no time.

Wait, Jared, uh, are you living here?

In the garage?

Indeed I am. High on the hog. (CHUCKLES)

Jesus Christ, poor fucker. Sleeping out there with the rodents.

Hey, I keep a clean garage. There are no rodents out there.

How can you guarantee there are no rodents living there

when you didn't even know Jared was living there?

I need all rodents and Jareds out of the garage. I need the space.

Do we have any extra power strips?

There's not a lot of outlets out there.

There are a lot of dudes playing foosball, loudly.

I'll take care of that. Say no more.

Jian Yang!

I need all of your guys out of there, and the foosball table.

Those not my guys.

But they're always around. Who are they?

Friends of friends.

They're friends of your... Mother fuck!

Guys, look, Jared gave up his own apartment so he could

take less salary and save the company money. I mean...

Erlich, can he just stay here?

Once again, because of your poor managerial skills,

I've been hoisted upon my own petard.

Yes, he can stay here.

Great. So, which room can he stay in?

Well, he's not staying in mine. I sleep dick-up.

- Okay, so then... - Uh... Not it.

Okay.

- Not a chance in hell. - All right. (CLEARS THROAT)

Fuck.

(JARED SPEAKING IN GERMAN)

(JARED LAUGHS)

(SPEAKING IN GERMAN CONTINUES)

(PANTING)

Oh, shit.

Morning, roomie. I made you a half-caff.

Oh... Richard.

Yeah, I sweated through my sheets again. (SCOFFS)

You sweated? You sure you didn't...

Yes, I'm sure. It's just sweat, so...

Do you think maybe you sweat from your urethra?

No, I didn't sweat through my...

You know what? Let's not talk about it.

Because talking about it will only exacerbate...

- Stop. - Yeah.

Hey, um... When did you learn to speak German?

What? I don't speak German.

- You sure? - Yeah.

RICHARD: All this hardware for $70,000'? GILFOYLE; Yep.

Nice work.

Oh, look at all this stuff.

Oh, is that a Radeon 7850? We're using these, huh?

There's no "we."

You don't do this kind of work, remember'?

You make a living with your mind, not your hands.

- No, no, no... - So don't touch.

You misunderstood me. I like hardware.

I made my own computer when I was nine.

From scratch or kit?

It was from a kit, but I did my own mods.

- That's what I thought. - I was nine.

GILFOYLE: I'm sure you were great at finger-painting, also, Dinesh.

Richard is the CEO. He delegated this to me.

Why don't you go inside and write some princess code?

Leave the hardware up to us servants.

All right, I got the crimper and some heat shrink.

- Great. - Wait, she can help but not me?

That's right.

Can I help? Please?

Mmm...

- No. - I said...

Richard' you have to let me help him.

Dinesh, you have to hack away on the front end of the build anyway.

- So why don't you... - Excuse me?

- Excuse me? - DINESH: This is bullshit.

- Oh, hey, Noah. - I thought you guys were moving out?

But it looks like you're moving back in.

Well, yeah, it's a little complicated, but...

What are you guys doing in there?

What, you building some kind of computer?

- Well, more of a server-data center. -(CELL PHONE RINGING)

It's actually pretty interesting, if you're into that sort of stuff.

- Hello? - Stop talking immediately!

Come inside.

Don't look at me. Don't look at me! Don't look at me.

Just tell him mat you shit your pants and you have weak knees.

What were you doing out there?

Why were you talking to that person?

'Cause he lives next door. I was just being neighborly.

Neighborly? First of all, that's not a word.

Second of all, you don't talk to the neighbors, ever.

In fact, don't talk to anybody.

It's no one's business what we do here.

Why would anyone care what goes on in here?

'Cause we're not zoned for business, obviously.

What do you mean we're not zoned for business?

I just moved my entire business here!

You just keep your mouth shut and everything will be fine.

You talked me into staying here even though you knew we were breaking the law?

(COUGHING) I'm sorry, Erlich, but I'm pissed.

- You're pissed at me? - Yeah.

- I should be pissed at you. - Mmm-hmm.

You know why?

Because when one is given a parting gift and one never parts,

shouldn't one return the said gift? Isn't that what decorum would dictate?

This is about the kimono?

Okay, I will give it back to you right now, gladly.

Now I'm really pissed.

Because if one appreciated a gift of such magnitude,

then one would put up more of a fight before returning it, wouldn't one?

Okay-

A complaint from a neighbor

to the Department of Planning and Community Environment

triggers an inspection, which can lead to a citation, fines,

or even the seizure and impounding of our equipment.

That gentleman next door has the power to ruin us.

Jesus.

Richard, can I suggest you take it easy on the Red Bulls?

It's a diuretic, and given your issue...

My issue?

Oh, God.

It's night sweats, Jared.

Yes, well, regardless of what we've decided on calling it,

pounding caffeine and sugar is not exactly going to help.

But you know what might? Kegels.

What?

Kegels are a form of exercise that strengthen the pelvic floor.

Now, yes, it's most commonly used by women

to recover control of their vaginal muscles after childbirth.

But it can really help,

you know, "night sweats."

Wow.

Okay, we're not going to talk about this anymore.

I'm doing it right now.

Clench, un-clench, clench...

stop-

You hear that?

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

Hey. Hey.

Stop it. Hey, turn the music down.

Turn it off. We have neighbors.

Are you kidding me?

Look, Gilfoyle, you said that you would have all the servers up and running.

And we're already a week behind. Don't you think you should be doing that instead of,

you know, getting high on the job?

I'm not getting high on the job.

I'm getting high at home.

I live here, remember?

Right, okay, fair enough. Fair enough.

But Carla doesn't. These guys don't.

- I'm having them over as guests, at my home. -(SIGHING)

If that's okay with you, Richard.

Wait. This is your home?

- Yes. - So you live in the workplace.

But you also work from home.

That must be really confusing for you.

Yes, as a matter of fact, it is.

That's kind of the...

Does it look dark to you guys?

Oh, hey, guys.

Dude, what the fuck?

The power's out.

Okay, fine. I wanted to set up one GPU, just one,

and so I turned the power on and the whole system lit up. And...

Yeah, it did' you dick.

'Cause I bypassed the meter to save money and went directly to the feed

without the UPS ready.

That surge just fragged the whole fucking system.

Holy shit.

What the hell did you guys do?

The power in the whole block is down.

Great.

- What the... -(CHAIR SQUEAKING)

Oh, God. Look who it is.

We need to talk, guys.

Hold on a sec.

Noah, whatever you're going to say, just say it from there.

We can hear you.

If you didn't have so many cars parked here, maybe I could get through.

He's really going to go all the way around?

CARLA: That's a long ways.

NOAH: Hold on. ERLICH: Jesus Christ!

Save some battery, for Christ's sake!

Just a sec.

ERLICH: Just yell it!

It's okay, Noah, we get it. You can say it from there.

You're gonna report us to the city inspector, right?

ERLICH: Jesus!

Guess what?

I'm reporting you to the city inspector.

Right.

Okay.

NOAH: Zoning codes are very clear.

This neighborhood is for families, pets.

(JARED SHOUTING IN GERMAN)

(SPEAKING GERMAN)

Holy shit.

(JARED SHOUTING CONTINUES)

NOAH: Come here, Agamemnon. Come here, boy. Yeah.

Who's a good boy? Yeah, you're a good boy.

Come here, Agamemnon.

Did that blackout scare you, Agamemnon?

Who's a good boy?

Who's a good boy? Yeah.

- Oh, yeah. - RICHARD: Holy shit.

Yeah. Daddy loves you, Daddy loves you.

Erlich?

- What is it? - Hey, um...

I'm sorry I didn't give you back the kimono,

or resist giving you back the kimono, or whatever it was.

But I have a gift that might make it up to you.

- Is that what I think it is? - Mmm-hmm.

Oh, boy.

It is 4:00 in the morning! What the...

Why are you both wearing Kimonos?

Noah, are you familiar with the California Fish and Game Code,

section 2116-2126,

with regard to the possession and harboring of ferrets?

- Oh, God. - Oh, yeah.

Those little shits are illegal.

Erlich, please, don't. I'll do anything.

Oh, yeah, you will.

We are here to stay, and you're going to keep that

bearded little hole in the center of your face shut about it.

- Listen, I was just trying... - No, you listen.

You're always going on and on about how this is such a good neighborhood.

Do you know why it's such a good neighborhood?

Do you know why your shitty house is worth 20 times what you paid for it in the 1970s?

Because of people like us moving in and starting illegal businesses in our garages.

All the best companies,

Apple, Google, Hewlett-Packard, even Aviato,

all of them were started in un-zoned garages.

That is why Silicon Valley is one of the hottest neighborhoods

in the world.

Because of people like us, not because of people like you.

So if I catch even so much as a dirty glance

or a lascivious look in Richards direction,

that is it.

Those weasels are dog food.

Okay. Okay.

Um, uh...

-(WHISPERING) Guest house. - Yes.

Is your guest house currently rented out?

No, it's not for rent.

Well, it mother-fucking is now.

Your new tenant is Jared Dunn.

His rent will be exceedingly reasonable.

And his utilities will be included.

He speaks German in the night.

Well, if you'll excuse us, we have an illegal business to run.

Erlich?

(GROANS)

But when our scientists did the study,

they found the rate of birth defects in that territory

was actually higher before we opened our battery plant there.

But, very good question. Thank you for that question.

Okay.

Before I finish up here, I have an announcement.

Today, I have accepted the resignation of Dr. Davis Bannerchek.

So it pleases me to inform you all that effective immediately,

Nelson Bighetti has been promoted to sole head dreamer

of Hooli XYZ.

Sorry, what?

Stand up, Bag Head.

What a meteoric ascension.

Just a few months ago, you co-founded Pied Piper

and now you've been promoted twice.

It speaks to your competence.

Give it up for Bag Head, ladies and gentlemen.

And lastly, I have big news.

In anticipation of our big release of Nucleus at CES in January,

we've decided to give the world a sneak preview.

Nucleus, in partnership with

Dana White and the Ultimate Fighting Championship,

will be the exclusive provider of live streaming

for next month's Ultimate Fighting Championship event,

Molina versus Bulgakov ll.

I realize the full platform won't be ready until January,

but our Nucleus division assures me they are ready for this challenge.

And I can think of no more exciting a way

to give a little taste of Nucleus to the entire world,

than by putting video latency in a rear-naked choke hold.

Great job, team. All right, back to work.

Did you, uh, tell Gavin where we are on the video situation?

He does know that converting the whole platform to middle-out

has put us at least six weeks behind schedule, right?

Well, I'm not going to be the one who tells him we're that far behind.

If you want to, feel free.

I just heard you tell Heidi we're six weeks behind.

But remember that drop-frame issue I showed you?

We're easily 15 weeks behind.

Well, I'm not going to be the one to tell Heidi about that.

Feel free to tell her yourself.

Did I just hear you say we're only 15 weeks behind?

I've been integrating the system natively...

Dude, I don't even want to know about it.