All language subtitles for Silicon.Valley.S01E06.HDTV.x264-2HD.VO

Kidney function, liver function,
testosterone... I don't know how you did it,

but you have essentially aged 40
years in the last seven weeks.

Wow. Really?

We had a meth addict in here this morning

who was biologically younger
than you are, and he's 58.

MySpace guy.

So what is going on?

Uh... It's this cloud
service configuration,

- I've been stuck on it for over a week.
- Wow.

I'm a good programmer. I mean,
it's the only thing I am good at.

I mean, last year, I threw a
Frisbee and it chipped my tooth.

That's more of a dental issue.

Yup, OK, I...

The point is, I learned Ruby on
Rails over a weekend when I was 17.

I should be able to learn cloud, I have to.

Can I give you my professional
opinion, as your doctor?

You should have taken that ten
million dollars from Gavin Belson, OK?

But regrets will kill ya
so try not to dwell on it.

I tried to tell you.

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Outside help? No, we're not
getting any outside help.

It's a week until TechCrunch,
Richard. We can't wait any longer.

Richard, look at the board.

OK, cloud architecture is just a giant
turd that is clogging up our pipes.

We have to call in a plumber to fix it.

OK, I hate that metaphor,
but Erlich is right.

Gilfoyle and I finished the
distribution services days ago

and we're just sitting
around waiting for you.

- I can solve it.
- Richard, you're a fucking rock star, OK?

You just don't know cloud,

this tiny, little, shitty area,

which is becoming super important,

and in many ways is the
future of computing.

That sort of went south on me, but
you understand what I'm saying.

I've already talked to Peter Gregory
about insourcing a consultant.

I've made contact with a
programmer whose cloud architecture

is supposed to be insane.
They call him The Carver.

The Carver? That Black Hat guy who
apparently hacked into the Bank of America

and took down their entire
system, that The Carver?

We should get him if we can.

OK, we can talk to the guy,

but, I mean, he's really
gonna have to sell me.

Six months ago, these guys had 35
million and Series B Financing.

Now The Carver's here doing teardown.

He's basically moving
their carcass to the cloud.

Don't touch anything.
Failure is contagious.

I think that's him.

Excuse me, Mr. Carver?

Yeah, uh, people refer to me as The Carver,

but no one actually calls me that,
it's what people call a screen name.

You know. I'm Kevin.

OK, Kevin, um, we're from
Pied Piper, we spoke earlier.

- Yeah, so you guys are fucked, huh?
- No. No, we're not fucked.

Yes, we are totally fucked.

We have a live demo in one week
and our cloud is in the shitter.

- That's accurate.
- Wait, are you Richard?

Yes, I am.

Yeah, your algorithm is solid.
It's a really good schema.

OK, thanks.

I did think you'd be
younger. What are you, 25?

Twenty-six.

Yikes.

Uh, so I have a Model U.N. thing on Monday,

but maybe I could burn through
your gig over the weekend.

Mmm. You think you can do
our whole job in two days?

I know I can do it in two days.

I pound Mello Yello, Oreos and Adderall
and I don't sleep until I'm done.

OK.

But you know what? I also have an offer to
do some migration at Gittawonk this weekend.

It's... It's kind of chill,

and frankly, their
tech's a little stronger.

Whoa. What? What?

You think Gittawonk's tech
is stronger than ours?

I'm sorry, I don't remember
reading in PandoDaily

that Gavin Belson and Peter Gregory
were fighting over Gittawonk.

No one offered ten million
dollars to acquire Gittawonk.

Yeah, I agree with Richard,
you should come work for us.

- What... No...
- What's it gonna take, a blow-job?

Because Richard will suck the
dick right off of your pelvis.

Now you make me laugh, shaggy man.

All right, I'm in.

I'll see you guys Friday.

OK.

- Well done.
- Yeah.

Excuse me. Hi, um, would
you guys be interested

in buying some candy so you can
send my church group to camp?

Nope.

Hundred bucks says there's no church.

Whole thing's a scam, little scumbags.

They're just children.

Looks like Gilfoyle and his lady
Satanist are back from the airport.

Can you imagine what kind of
shit-show this one's gonna be?

He says that she has an Amy Winehouse vibe.

What does that mean? All
tatted-up and nowhere to go.

- Hooked on OxyContin?
- Decomposing?

Oh. Oh, OK, that was dark.

Gentlemen, this is Tara.

- Hi.
- Tara, this is the fellas:

Jared, Dinesh, Erlich and Richard.

- It's Erlich.
- It's great to finally meet you guys.

Hi.

All right.

Jesus, where did he get Amy Winehouse from?

I mean, I'd have sex with that if
you hose the Gilfoyle off of her.

It's weird having a girl in the
house. There's a very strange energy.

Hm.

Hello... Kevin.

OK, Richard, I just need
you to approve Kevin's fee.

I got Erlich to sign and
you sign right there.

Twenty thousand dollars for two days.

You know who else thought my
price was too high? Bitraptor.

Who?

Exactly.

Great. Peter Gregory is on his way out
of town so I'm gonna hustle out there

and get him to co-sign these and the
check and I'll be back as soon as I can.

Thank you.

You OK over there? You
have any questions...?

Yeah, one question.

Cool. Shoot.

Why do you keep your lips pressed so
tight together when you're not talking?

'Cause they're like white.

It looks uncomfortable.

Hey, guys.

Hey, Kevin, um,

so how did you bypass Bank of
America's network security?

I want details.

My lawyers told me I'm
not allowed to discuss it.

Totally get it. That's baller.

- Hey, babe?
- Hmm.

You're up.

- All right, I'm gonna go have a shower.
- Mm-hm.

- Uh, what was that?
- What?

Tara just whispered something to you and
then she looked at me in a weird way.

No, she didn't.

Yeah, she did.

What's up?

Do you know what compersion is?

It's when someone takes pleasure
in seeing their loved one gratified

by another person.

Sexually. It's the opposite of jealousy.

It sounds like it's the opposite of normal.
Why are you telling me about this thing?

As shocking as this is...

Tara is attracted to you.

Come again?

Yeah, freaked me out too, at first.

I don't like the "at first" part at all.

What are you saying?

Since I abide by the maxim,

"Do what thou wilt, that
is the whole of the law"...

if you want to fuck my
girlfriend, I'm OK with it.

Jesus Christ, man, I could barely stand
next to you when you're in your towel.

I don't want to have a threesome with you.

I'm not talking about a threesome.

Listen, I don't even
have to be in the room,

unless that's better for you.

OK, no, I don't...

Right, so we're all settled then.

- Yep.
- Do you need parking validation?

No, I used Lyft.

So I'll Lyft it back.

Why don't I have Peter's car take you home.

He's not using it, we're
shipping off to Arallon tomorrow.

- Arallon?
- Yeah, the island Peter's building.

What's the... the red line?

That's the International Date Line.

The island's built right on it

so the western half can celebrate
the first new years on Earth,

then the next day, they walk
over to the eastern half

and celebrate the last new years on Earth.

But if you can walk, why does
he need the car on the island?

Peter's not really big on walking.

So I'll just have the guys
pull it up front for you.

Great.

Driverless car.

Select destination.

Hi. Um... I'm going to 5230

Newell Road, Palo Alto...

Route guidance calibrated.

four point six miles. Buckle up, please.

OK.

Enjoy your ride.

You?

Tara wants to have sex with you? You sure?

Yeah, Gilfoyle just told me, to my face.

He told you that Tara wants to
copulate with someone else in the house

other than him and that
someone is you, Dinesh?

Yeah, that's...

You know, you seem confused by this
but for a different reason than I am.

Don't you think it's weird
that Tara wants some strange

and she chooses you over me,

the logical person in the house?

OK, I see where we are ending up
on this. Thank you for your time.

Wait, are you sure that
she didn't ask Gilfoyle

for a danish and maybe you misheard her?

You're probably right, she
just wanted to fuck a danish.

Wait, you just built all
the indexes on the fly?

Yeah, of course.

OK, well... Well, then what's that?

The key value store.

Tuples.

Speak English.

You're kind of doing that
lip thing again there, buddy.

No, I'm not.

Stop looking at my lips.

Destination override. New destination.

One Gregory Drive. Arallon.

4,126 miles.

Enjoy your ride.

Um, what's happening?

I'm sorry, what... Mr. Car?

Hey. Tara and I are going to a
Satanic baptism. You wanna come?

Stu Burns decided to walk
the left-hand path with us.

The database administrator for
Yahoo is becoming a Satanist?

We're everywhere.

Hey, Erlich, are you coming? Dinesh is.

He is?

This is Monica.

Hi Monica, it's Jared.
Uh, quick question...

Jared, I can't talk right now.

One of our assistants has
been confusing the eastern,

western time zones of
Arallon on work orders.

Now a bunch of important things
are happening a day early.

Peter is going to be
furious when he finds out.

He's going to make that noise.

Oh, shit, that's him on
the other line. I gotta go.

- Oh wait Monica. It just...
- Hi, Peter.

Hello, Monica?

Um, car? Mr. Car?

Uh, excuse me.

Arallon is an island, so how are we...?

Oh, no, no! No.

Stop. Let me out.

Mmm. Um... Uh, that's not good.

Oh, no! No!

Excuse me please!

Please honk. Please honk.

No, no, no, no. No, no, no.

No, no. Please. Please.

Oh, no, that's not good.

OK, Donald, stay calm.

103 hours to destination.
Entering sleep mode.

- What? No!
- Enjoy your ride.

OK, stay calm. Stay calm.

Wait, my phone.

No bars. No bars. No bars. No bars.

We bring thy garden, o mighty Lucifer,

the fragrances which abound
therein, vapors of...

What the fuck are we doing here?

Look at these fucking people.

Through this, the black flame
of Satan thou walkest in Hell.

The gates are flung wide

and thy passage is heralded
by the deathless cries

of his guardian beasts.

Breathe of his breath,
o brother of the night

and nourish his waning brain.

- From the despair...
- I just figured it out. It all makes sense.

Figured what out?

Why Tara might be in to you more than me.

She's attracted to ugliness.

- Oh, fuck you.
- No, think about it.

This is the life that she chooses, right?
She's attracted to unattractiveness.

Look at all these ugly people
and Gilfoyle and now you.

That's ridiculous. I'm way
more attractive than you are.

- No, you're not.
- Way better looking.

By no metric could you possibly be
considered more attractive than me.

You're saying that every
woman in the entire world

would think you're more
attractive than I am?

Yes. Unless they're completely fucked up.

Damn it.

You doing OK there?

Yep, yeah.

Fine, just, you know,

it's big orchestration
stuff, a lot of moving parts.

Nothing you need to worry about.
You just focus on the cloud.

I'm here if you need me.

You know what? Uh...

I know it's not what we hired you for,

but I am actually having a little trouble

with the data replication
in the persistence layer.

Move over.

Uh-huh.

Oh, Christ.

I'm much more handsome than you are.

No, my face is completely symmetrical.

You know what my nickname
was when I was a kid?

- What?
- Pakistani Denzel.

You look nothing like him.

Denzel Washington has a beautiful smile.

You look ridiculous.

Hail Satan, it is done.

- Hail Satan.
- Hail Satan, it is...

it's done.

Well, thanks for coming, everyone.

Brother Jason was kind enough
to furnish this week's food.

It's Chick-fil-A.

I know, they're on the Christian right,

but darned if that chicken isn't good.

I think the Dark Lord would understand.

Also... a reminder.

If you parked in the Sav-On parking lot,

they do tow.

Well, I didn't know if you wanted
original Oreos or Double Stuf

so I went a little nutty and I got both.

How's it, um...

- Fuck. Fuck.
- Kevin?

Hello?

Fuck.

What are you doing down here?

I did it again, I did it again.

- Did what?
- I did it again.

No.

What is this?

Did you overwrite the data schema?

Why would you do this?
You don't ever do this!

That's exactly what they said
when I was working at BofA.

Working at BofA? I thought you hacked in.

No.

I was a consultant at the
retail banking services.

I crashed their entire system.

It took a team of seven
engineers more than a week

to comb through all the
code and find my mistake.

And the only way that I
ever avoided being sued

was by agreeing to never tell
anyone that I worked there.

Oh, fuck.

Oh, fuck, what?!

I just told you. Now I
could get in trouble.

Trouble?

You just skull-fucked my whole system.

I am going to punch you in the fucking...

We don't like sacrifice goats or anything.

We're not like the Order of
the Golden Dawners, you know.

Yeah.

Richard, are you OK?

Um... Mmm...

Dinesh, uh, we may have a slight problem.

The Carver just carved
up our entire platform.

What the fuck?

Yeah, the database layers,
the application layers,

even the chef scripts are fucked.

The little fucker must have hacked into
the DDL tables like he did with BofA.

He didn't hack into BofA's. He
was consulting there at the time,

when he took down the system by accident.

- Oh, you told them too?
- What the fuck?

Richard, why would you let that
little fetus access the DDL?

Because I thought that
fetus was better than me

and so did you and everybody

and you just, you pressured
me into hiring him...

Yes, Richard, for the
cloud, to deploy the cloud.

So that you could do what you do best

and concentrate on everything else
which the fetus just fucked up.

You need to drag this little shit stain...

You hear that?

Out from under this table
and have him go through

every single line of code with you

to unfuck it while it's still unfuckable.

I should not have eaten all
of that Satanist chicken.

OK, and with this one
here, did you delete it

or just move it?

Hello? Kevin.

Maybe. I don't know.

What? What does that mean?
What's wrong with you, man?

I can't focus. I'm out of Adderall.

Where's that Jared guy?
He was getting my refill.

That's actually a really good question.

I don't know where he is.

The Carver's Adderall prescription.

I hope that's not a problem.

Dead battery. That's a problem.

I need to lay down.

What? No!

You said you could code for 48 hours
straight. That's like your thing.

Yeah, how the fuck do you
think I do that? Adderall.

Well, we don't have any.

It's really bright in here.

Who takes Adderall anymore.

Half the kids in Palo Alto.

Hey.

Any of you guys currently on Adderall

and, uh, you know, want to make 50 dollars?

Oh, boy.

What do you mean, it's not
Adderall? It's Adderall!

I know what Adderall looks
like. It's not Adderall.

Uh, excuse me. Caleb?

There's been some kind of mistake.

What you sold me was not actually Adderall.

So maybe we could... Do you think
you could get me some real Adderall?

Yeah, yeah, of course. Um...

I could do that or, um,

I can give you some of this.

Ow!

OK, I'm gonna...

You're gonna do what,
bitch? Call the cops on me?

Tell them you got the wrong
illegal drugs from a kid?

You dumb piece of shit.
Get the fuck out of here.

- Uh, you...
- Run!

- All right, I'm running.
- Mm-hm. Keep running!

Stupid...

Richard, what's wrong?

Have you been crying?

Hey! Which one was it?

It was church candy, wasn't it?

You just brought piss to a
shit fight, you little cunt!

Ow!

No, no, no!

Now you get in your fucking house
and you get me five Adderall

or I'll slit your fucking
throat! You understand?

I'll kill your mother!
I'll rape your father!

I'll curb-stomp that little face so hard

that your teeth will go
flying, you little shit!

Now go! Go! Go! Go!

- Get me five Adderall, right now!
- OK! I'm sorry! I'm sorry!

- Hi.
- Tara.

- Hello.
- Hi.

First of all...

So, um...

I have thought about it. A lot.

To be honest, elements of this arrangement

still trouble me.

However, I have not had a
lot of sexual experiences.

So I feel it may be
foolish to turn this down.

So as long as Gilfoyle is not in the room

and I can verify that the door is locked...

then I have concluded that...

yes...

I would love to have sexual
relations with you...

Tara.

Yeah.

Uh, what are you talking about?

Gilfoyle told me.

I know you want to have sex with me.

Gilfoyle?

Would you come in here for a second?

Um...

- Hm?
- Um...

Did you tell Dinesh that I
want to have sex with him?

No.

Oh, wait, yeah, I totally
did. I forgot about that.

I was really high. I was
just fucking with him.

Did he believe me?

Uh...

Did you just present yourself to my woman?

Uh...

Oh, this is outstanding.

Oh, my God, that is so mean of you!

Look at how cute he is.

He's adorable. You're adorable.

Don't call me ador...
It's very emasculating.

What kind of fucking idiot listens
to what Gilfoyle has to say?

OK, Tara, here's what it is.

If you can tell me to my face

that you seriously find Dinesh
more attractive than me,

then and only then will I concede defeat.

What?

And our regression test is... done.

Yes. It's clear, we all test out.

The system's stable again.

Thank God. Now we can move on to the next
module and I can forget you ever existed.

Can you do me a favor?

Don't tell anyone I cratered this bad.

I won't tell anyone I hired you if
you won't tell anyone you worked here.

Oh, the BofA deal.

Got it.

Well, I'm gonna call my mom
and have her pick me up.

Your mom?

Oh, by the way, you owe
me 20 thousand dollars.

What a dick.

You have to talk to Jared about that.

Where is Jared?

Excuse me. Can you help me?

Obstacle averted. Resuming operations.

Please be careful.

Please be careful. Please be careful.

☯Synced & Corrected by Seppuku17☯
❃www.addic7ed.com❃