Original subtitles

Fixed & Synced by bozxphd.Enjoy The Flick

How's everybody feeling?

Now, if you would like to wander,

please feel free to do so,

um, but be very careful for potholes and snakes

that may occur anywhere.

And any other areas, like the fuselage areas,

please be careful, but by all means go ahead and wander.

What's the difference, what's the difference

between Courtney Love and the American flag?

It would be wrong to urinate on the American flag.

Ooh, yeah.

What do you get... What do you get

when you cross Sir Elton John with a saber tooth tiger?

I don't know, but you better keep it away from your ass!

All right, so this is a fun crowd.

We got some other gags here, gang.

Why don't rapists...

Why don't rapists eat at T.G.I. Friday's?

Well, it's hard to go out and rape

when you have a stomach ache.

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

Can you answer for me, did this used to be a Days Inn?

I really don't know. - 'Cause I...

I was swearing I was here, uh...

...in 2005 or something, and it was a Days Inn.

Hi, sweetheart. It's Daddy.

I'm in the desert, and it's beautiful.

It's hot, but, but it's beautiful.

And, um, today

I took a tour of an airplane graveyard they have out here,

and they got every plane you can think of:

737, 747, jumbo jets.

And you just walk right into the planes.

And, um...

I, uh, I will talk to you again soon.

Good night.

Why...

Why?

Why did Madonna feed her infant baby Alpo brand dog food?

Well, she had no choice,

that's just what came out of her breasts.

Eww.

Yeah...

Okay, so this is a fun crowd.

Why...

Why did E.T., the Extra Terrestrial,

love Reese's Pieces so much?

Well because they have the same flavor that cum does

on his home planet.

Yeah, right.

Why...

Why did God

let John Denver die?

Because you suck.

Come on.

How we doin' for time?

Time's up.

It's a rhetorical question weirdo, huh?

Speak your complaints into a man's penis, not into thin air,

because I'll tell ya, these hardworking imbeciles here

that paid their money to come here

and forget their problems for one night,

laugh their fool heads off,

and they didn't pay to listen to you, huh,

and your garbage talk.

You're not a professional comedian.

You're a professional loser, huh?

You're a professional fatso! What's your problem?

Jesus Christ, can't you just sit there with a smile

splattered on your stupid face, huh?

Laugh your fool head off, but shut your fool mouth!

- Neil! - Hey.

Cousin John.

- Hi, John. - How ya doin'?

- Good. - I made it out.

It was great.

Really great stuff. Funny.

Thanks for coming to the show.

Yeah, I was like, this'll... this'll shock 'em.

Yep.

I don't know how you remember all that stuff.

Yeah, it's a lot of stuff.

If it was me, I'd just be: uh...

Yeah.

That one guy, he was out of line.

That was...

Yeah, they should...

They should have security or something to take him out

because it just makes it hard for me to do my job.

- Exactly. - It makes it...

People are paying money for me to do my job

and then he does that and then it just...

It just ruins the night for everyone.

- Yeah. - You know, it's...

- Just doin' my job, you know. - Right.

You're out there, you're doin' your job.

Just trying to make a nice night for people.

Yeah. You're the star, he's in the audience.

You shut him up good thought.

Yeah. Well, he's just a drunk, you know?

That's a lot... That's...

That's what we do in this business really is sell...

We're selling alcohol, you know.

That's why they will book me in a place like this

is to sell more alcohol, you know.

They should have a... They should have security

and take him out, but they don't have security,

then I have to be the security...

and try to get them to leave, you know?

Which shouldn't... It's not part of my job,

but it's become part of my job, so, you know.

It shouldn't be my job at all.

Right.

It is a customer service thing, though, you know.

Like, these people are here, they're payin',

if you weird us out too much... I mean, I loved it,

I thought it was very funny, it was great.

You're up there, puttin' yourself out there,

but, I mean, from a business point of view,

if you want my, that's what I do,

I consult about business,

and for you, I'd say a strategy would be consider

a little less of the weird stuff, like "semen," that...

Some of the people were like, "Whoa! Did he just say semen?"

But others liked it, so...

Yeah, I don't care. Like I said, I thought it was great.

You're up there, you're puttin' yourself out...

Yeah.

Yeah, if you wanna appeal to, like,

all four quadrants, you know,

like all the different groups... age groups...

- Mm-hmm. - You know,

"semen" and all that is a little bit much.

Hello, sweetheart. It's Daddy.

Just, uh, checking in.

Um, you're probably asleep.

It's pretty late, but I got out of the club pretty late so...

But, um, yeah, everything's going great.

So I just wanted to, uh...

to check in with you and, um...

I'll check in again.

And, uh...

Um...

Talk to ya later.

Welcome to California oil country.

California started producing oil in 1876.

We have produced about 28 and a half billion barrels

of oil since.

Visualize asphalt and the oil is stuck

between the little grains of sand and gravel, okay?

So, if you...

See we're not exactly in the Garden of Eden here,

you know, but you've gotta go where the oil is,

and Kern County, uh, because of its, uh,

you know, archaeological past,

happens to have 70, uh, oil fields

just within an area near the size of Massachusetts.

And, of course, if this looks familiar to you,

it may be because in 1970 they filmed Five Easy Pieces

with Jack Nicholson and Karen Black out in this area.

Now, I'm not much of an impersonator,

but the classic, uh, line is in the diner.

And I don't know if you remember it or not, but he says,

"All right, let me make this easy for ya, okay?

I want an omelet, plain,

and a chicken salad sandwich on wheat toast.

Now, no butter, no mayo, no lettuce,

and a cup of coffee.

Now, hold the chicken."

Oh!

Like that, what I just did?

Was it funny?

You like fuckin' clowns, huh?

Yeah, you like fuckin' clowns, look at that hair.

Well, that was more than I expected.

Oh, yeah?

Yep. Crowd was a little dry.

- But, uh... - All right.

Sorry.

You're lucky.

All you got's glasses.

Why did Carrot Top, legendary, legendary, legendary

Vegas comedian Carrot Top,

prop comedian Carrot Top,

legendary prop comedian Carrot Top,

legendary Vegas prop comedian Carrot Top...

Why did Carrot Top,

legendary Carrot Top,

refuse,

absolutely refuse

the pleading requests

of the topless Playboy playmate

who was naked in the jacuzzi with him?

Because she was begging him to shoot himself in the head.

I'm just trying to earn a living.

Come on, people, these are... These are great jokes.

We traveled a long distance carrying these jokes

in order to bring them here

and thrust them into your fool faces.

So sit there and paste a smile on your face and have some fun.

That's what it's all about, folks, having fun,

forgetting your problems. And you have a lot of problems,

I can tell.

Forget 'em just for a few moments and just laugh with me.

We're gonna have so much fun.

This is a great group of friends here,

my new friends here tonight, huh?

Okay, perfect. Thank you.

Thanks for coming to the show.

Great show, by the way. You are really hilarious.

Thank you.

I don't know how to tell you this.

That hotel room didn't work out,

but I did talk to my cousin, Alejandro,

and he said he'd be willing to take you in.

You talkin' to me?

You talkin' to me?

You talkin' to me?

- Robert De Niro! - Yeah.

- Fly, you pelican, fly! - Um, Scarface.

- Yeah, Scarface. - Now, you go.

He wants you to do an impression.

No.

Hi.

Hello?

They pulled gold out of here.

They pulled silver,

tungsten,

nickel,

copper.

Everything comes either directly or indirectly from the soil,

as you can look around you, there certainly is plenty of it.

Hi, sweetheart.

Uh, this is just really difficult to get ahold of you.

I just had to call and tell you...

Sweet dreams.

If nature was gonna grow an orange, Neil,

she would just make it just enough meat,

that's what we call this,

just to fertilize the seed once it falls, but man,

we want all this sweet meat.

So we pump it full of fertilizer and water.

- You want this? - Nah, that's all right.

I can't eat these either.

Hey, did you, uh, see that guy

I was walking around here with?

No.

I was walking around with a guy.

I got a couple places in town do great burgers.

One of them is a bar that serves burgers

and one's just a restaurant.

We need to get a beer.

The foothills off to the left, you see they start there?

They start to the west and they come across here?

That's my property, butts right up against that,

the beginning of those hills behind my house.

- You alive? - Yeah.

You gotta talk right up against the mic or I can't hear you.

- Yeah. - Okay.

You all right? Watch the legs.

Cool, huh?

Here we go.

Pino Roja.

So if you sleep with Kenny G,

if you go to bed with Kenny G

and he gives you one of... What was it?

And he gives you one of his records...

Um...

Wait, no. Whatever.

If you sleep with Kenny G, uh,

and he gives you his record, then, uh...

What is it? Tell her.

I don't wanna do it here.

All right, I remember. Um...

What's the worst thing that just happened to you?

You're stuck with a Kenny G record.

I can't do it.

Neil knows how to do it. I...

It's a little different but...

Are you gonna tell me?

I told him about the Kenny G.

Oh, okay. I just want...

You two guys start talking and I don't know what you're sayin'.

The real shitty thing about it was half the place was empty.

I mean, he's tellin' this funny stuff, some of it weird,

you know, but a lot of funny stuff,

and people weren't there, you know? That was a shame.

There were some people there, just...

No, it pissed me off!

I was standing there, like, "What is this?"

Empty seats? Who's bookin' this thing?

I don't know who picked that place for you.

You know that place downtown, The Alley?

- The Alley. - Dirty. Filthy.

Anyway, you need a business plan is what I'm sayin', you know?

That's just product you're throwin' away.

If you see an empty seat and you tell a joke

and there's no one in that seat

you're just throwin' that joke away into that seat.

- Right. - I wanna make sure

people know before they get there,

and if they don't know and it's still half empty,

I'm gonna give 'em a 2-for-1. I'm gonna say

- bring a friend for free. - Excuse me.

I gotta stick around here all the time,

'cause if I leave this one here in charge of stuff,

he starts making decisions without me,

and then it's her and him talkin' Spanish

and I can't understand what's going on because, you know,

Mexican culture, the older guy,

he's supposed to be the patriarch or whatever,

it's bullshit. It's my house.

I should be making the decisions.

Okay.

I'll be right back.

Hmm?

This is all me. Up to that first ridge,

it's all me.

- How's your son? - My daughter?

Yeah, that's right. Sorry, I knew that.

Um, yeah.

Yeah, she's really good. She's doing great.

What's her name again? - Maria.

Maria, like after Grandma Maria?

Nah, after Maria from West Side Story.

Huh!

What's your game plan?

What's the career plan, where do you, where do you,

where do you wanna be?

Where's this leadin' to?

I just wanna keep working, but we've got, um...

I mean, where's the growth potential?

I got this call, uh,

yesterday about this, uh, this party,

this kind of private engagement in Hollywood.

- Really? - Yeah.

At the house of a pretty well-known celebrity

and he's gonna have a lot of his celebrity friends there.

- And I'm gonna perform. - Who's gonna be there?

Liza Minnelli. - Liza Minnelli.

- She's Judy Garland's daughter. - Yep.

Remember? The Wizard of Oz?

I used to... We used to get that...

watch that movie once a year on TV.

It would come on TV and I would sing.

I'd sing that rainbow song.

Loved it.

What was that one that used to make my mom cry?

Um...

All right, cuz.

Hey.

It's been great havin' ya here.

You can stay longer if ya want.

I mean, we've got these rooms.

It's just...

...good to have you back in my life.

Sorry it's been so long.

You're a good boy, you try your best,

you do this weird show, but it doesn't matter

because you're trying, you're getting yourself out there

and you're trying to tell jokes that make people happy,

that's what's important, just keep doing it.

Go to bed, go to sleep, turn off the lights.

Put one in each chamber,

so when you're ready to go, just yell, "Pull."

Okay.

Pull!

Pull!

Okay. Pull!

Pull!

Pull.

...the color blue.

And he found that it actually enhances the growth of crops.

Blue.

The throat.

Yellow.

Stomach, liver...

...ego.

Green. The heart...

...nature.

Red.

Vitality...

...energy.

Um...

You all right? - Yeah.

- Hi. - Hi.

Thank you.

What do you do?

Uh, I have this, this little...

This comedy show that I travel around with.

If you don't have a seminar or something tomorrow afternoon,

I have a show pretty close to here that we're doing at 2:00.

They are gonna fuck it up, we gotta get 'em outta here!

Bad news, bad news, buddy.

Hootin' and hollerin' and laughin' and lovin' life.

Bad news, bad news.

You all right?

Yep.

My friends and I, uh,

we really enjoyed your show and we wanted to know if, uh,

you wanted to make some videos with us.

We do like an online, um, blog

and we were wondering if you, you know, might be interested

in something like that.

Hi, sweetheart.

Um, it was a long, long day.

Do you believe in God?

- Hey. - Hey.

Um, I just wanted to come by

and say thank you for having me along.

It's been great.

Yeah, it's been fun.

Oh, did you get a hotel room yet?

No.

I have two beds, you should just stay with me, it'll be cheaper.

Um, all right, listen, well I'll see you out there.

Good luck.

You too.

During his long, legendary broadcasting career,

what was the number one question most often asked by Larry King?

"Should I be concerned about blood in my diarrhea?"

What was Elvis Presley's worst ever release?

The ejaculation containing Lisa Marie.

That's odd.

What's the worst thing, the worst thing

about being gang raped by Crosby, Stills and Nash?

No Young.

Oh, boy, what else do we have here?

And what do you call the creatures, the creatures...

Why don't you just go without me?

Why don't you shut your mouth, little lady?

We're trying to do a show here.

For real? - Yeah, for real, huh?

Just shut up so I can do the jokes

and we can all get out of here, huh?

On the outside of the building

it didn't say that we were in hell,

and then the few moments after when the stink

from your syphilis breath,

it started wafting over all the gentlemen and ladies

who have come out for the show tonight,

excluding yourself, of course.

The minute that the waft of stench, huh,

from the herpes and the syphilis

and the lice that you eat, huh,

the minute that started coming...

You little whore.

What makes you think you can come here

and throw a drink at someone who's traveled a great distance

to bring laughs to this community, huh?

What the hell's wrong with you?

Mental... Mental illness, huh?

Mental... Oh, I guess you didn't throw the drink, though.

She slipped and the drink fell.

She slipped on all the semen gushing out of her ass

when she stood up, huh? She slipped on that, huh?

Surprised you didn't break your chin on the fall,

and then get the semen into the infected cut.

But you have plenty of infected cuts already.

The little whore's having a tantrum.

She's having a tantrum.

Oh no, she heard a joke she didn't like.

So now she's gonna cry like a little baby

and throw her poo-poo around.

Get the hell out of here, garbage woman, huh!

You little whore.

You little whore.

That took the wind out of my sails, I'll tell ya.

Because that's unacceptable behavior.

When someone travels this great distance

to bring these jokes for you people,

to bring some joy into your lives,

and I'm literally plucking jokes out of my heart

and thrusting them into your fool faces.

And to have somebody do something like that,

really stinks up the evening, wouldn't you agree?

I'm a whore, huh?

I'm a whore, huh?

Fuck.

How does that feel?

You okay?

Can you help me find my glasses?

They should change the name of that place to The Sewer Club.

The sewer...

The Sewer Club.

No fuckin' security for the artists.

You're just on your own.

Somebody stabs you in the eye, fuck you.

- You're on your own.

Why don't you take off your fuckin' shoes?

Why don't they take some of the money from the drinks

and use it to buy some security guards

so that we're protected from weirdoes.

You can't have a fucking nightclub with no security.

You can't have people drinking their fucking brains out

and then you're stuck there in the firing line

of these cocksuckers

and meth freak-o drug assholes.

- Why don't you get some rest? - Fuck that.

Fuck you.

Hi, sweetheart.

It's okay now.

Everybody's okay.

I miss you so much.

Hey, man.

Wait, wait. Sorry, sorry!

Uh, can I ask you a question?

Um, I'm sorry, I just...

I'm Tommy, what's your name?

Gene.

Gene? Uh, okay, Gene.

I'm really sorry,

I don't mean to make you uncomfortable or anything.

My car broke down and I didn't want

to drain the battery and run the engine

and something's wrong with the transmission, I think.

So I just came in here because it's warmer in here.

Don't you think it is?

Can I come out and stay in your car and hang out

until somebody gets here, to stay warm?

It's better if you stay in here. It's warmer here.

Safer.

In here?

Yeah.

Than in your car?

Yeah.

Okay, you think it's safer here?

Okay.

Will you stay in here with me and keep me company

until someone gets here?

Hi, sweetheart.

Remember this?

Why?

Why?

Why?

Why?

Hey, man, you saw... You know that... You saw that...

You remember that video I showed you with the, uh...

They're chasing the bike with the red, uh, gas tank.

The guy falls off and breaks his neck and dies, that guy?

He died? - The cops were chasing...

- Yeah, he died. - He died?

The guy who fell off died, yeah. Broke his neck.

I want that red.

You want to die with a broken neck?

No, I want the red, I want the red, uh, gas tank.

You can have one piece of red on your bike

and the cops won't notice. You know what I'm talking about.

If you get a whole red bike, the cops'll look at you.

They'll find you, they'll see you easily.

They'll come after you.

You're gonna die. You're gonna die

because of a red stripe on your motorcycle.

You can decide on one thing and I want the gas tank,

- I want yellow rims. - Yellow rims.

Fuckin' bright, bright, bright as the sun.

You're the only girl I ever met with a beard.

Yellow rims.

Yeah. Yellow rims.

You gonna go around topless?

Yeah.

Hey.

Hey! Hey.

Marco!

Marco!

Marco!

Polo!

Marco.

Oh, I can't!

Help me, please.

You got kids? You got any children?

I got a, I got son here in this town.

Yeah. I just...

I rolled through today and I hadn't seen him

in like ten years.

It's his birthday today.

I took him out, played some miniature golf.

You're not gonna believe what happened.

There we were, right, we were just at the first hole

of this mini-golf course right outside of town,

and, you know, we're having a good time.

It's a little awkward, I hadn't seen him in a while.

He looks up at me, he says the fuckin' weirdest thing.

He says, uh, "Hey, hey, Dad?

What... What does a woman's vagina look like?"

Right? He says this to me.

I didn't know what to fuckin' say, man,

I was like, uh, "I don't know." I mean...

I said, "Well, before sex

a woman's vagina looks like, uh,

two rose petals with teardrops of heaven glistening on it."

We played a couple more holes, you know...

just trying to get to know one another and he says, uh...

He brings it back up.

He said, um...

"Okay, what does a woman's vagina look like after sex?"

I was like, uh, "After sex?

It's like a... I don't know.

You ever seen an extremely large bulldog

eating out of a vat of mayonnaise?"

So, he liked that.

He liked that.

But, um, if I could just get real

with you guys for a second here, just, uh, comedy aside.

Um, I'm not new to this area.

I have a ten-year-old son here and today was his birthday.

I had the opportunity to take him out

and play some miniature golf with him today,

which was a lot of fun for me and he enjoyed it too.

We were out at the, uh, Cactus Course outside of town?

And, um, we were at the first hole,

he, uh...

he looked up at me before he, uh, made his first shot

and he asked,

"Dad, what does a woman's vagina look like?"

And, uh, I said, "Well..."

Did you guys, um...

Did you guys hear the one,

the joke...

about the, um...

...paparazzi with a heart of gold?

The paparazzi with a heart of gold.

He stole it from Princess Diana

as she lay dying in her car.

Bam!

We're not paying for that.

One or two?

- First one. - Okay.

One or two?

Two.

I'll be back in just a minute.

Hello?

Hello?

Hello?

Hello?

Hello?

Hello?

Is anybody there?

Hi, sweetheart.

I'm in town.

Um...

I'm real busy, but I'd love to see you.

I'm doing this show.

I'm doing this show in the Hollywood Hills and...

...it's a, a private residence.

It's a...

It's like a party, a celebrity party,

and there'll be a lot of, you know, singers and actors

and important folks like that there,

so I think you'd have a lot of fun

if you wanted to come out and see me.

I miss you.

Sink!

Sink! Sink! Sink!

Sink! Sink!

Come on, you fuckin' bitches, scream!

Scream like you're getting fucked!

Come on!

Scream like you're getting fucked!

- Come on! - Hello?

All right, hey.

You okay? You all right?

Thanks, guys.

Can you help me?

Hold on, just stand up.

Just take a second.

Jesus!

Hope it helped -> bozxphd