Original subtitles

(PHONE RINGING)

Mr. Quinelle.

Morning, Betty.

Mr. Stoddard would like you to step into the board room.

-Wants to see me? -You can go right in.

Mr. Stoddard.

Mr. Stoddard, sir?

Mr. Stoddard.

(WHISTLES)

Quinelle.

(PARROT SQUAWKING)

Good morning, Donald.

(SQUAWKS)

You have been a valuable asset to this company.

-(WHISTLES) -(SQUAWKS)

So this is not easy for me to say.

(SQUAWKS)

You're fired.

-(SQUAWKS) -(WHISTLES)

(GIBBERING)

(CHUCKLING) Mr. Stoddard,

Mr. Stoddard, you can come out now and have your laugh.

Mr. Stoddard?

Oh.

(SQUAWKS) You wouldn't have a peanut

or a cracker or anything like that, would you?

No. Zip.

So...

No. No. This is...

Betty.

There's a parrot in there.

(CHUCKLES) I just got fired by a parrot.

Oh, wow, that's... (LAUGHS)

I mean, I didn't know the old man had a sense of humor.

That's magnificent. Where is he?

He's away until the reorganization's complete.

Reorganization?

We'll miss you, Mr. Quinelle.

(DRAWER CLOSES)

Here's your final paycheck.

Mr. Stoddard's allowing you the use of the company car,

until the end of the month, bless his heart.

Oh, come on, Betty. I mean...

A bird can't fire me, I'm upper management. (LAUGHING)

They can't fire me.

Yes, he can.

Um, Betty, I think we have a little mistake here.

Could we get Mr. Stoddard on the phone?

I have strict instructions not to bother him.

I think you are gonna have to bypass those orders, Betty.

-Can you get him on the phone? -I can't.

Get him on the phone, Betty, please.

-(DRAWER OPENING) -I mean, I've worked here eight years. I deserve...

Oh!

Don't make me use this.

I think you're overreacting a little here.

I'm sick and tired of everybody carping, griping and grumbling.

Nobody seems to care how Mr. Stoddard feels.

Well, how does he feel, Betty?

He's developed a peptic ulcer and colitis.

-Oh. That would upset me too. -Every person he's laid off

is just like another nail in his coffin.

You have no idea how hard he worked

to teach the bird to say that.

Why didn't he just have him fly over and just take a dump on me?

Oh, I suppose you'd rather have gotten a cold

inhuman computer printout?

I hope you don't mind me saying this, Mr. Quinelle,

but you're an ungrateful turd.

-Ah! -(CLANKING)

(METAL CLANKS)

(HONKING)

SONNY: And 12 years of doing business doesn't mean anything, right?

I mean, you can close me up, just like that?

All right, you're not closing me up,

you're just eliminating deliveries.

I'm a goddamn gas station,

what are my customers supposed to do,

push their cars in so I can check their oil?

Don't tell me about free enterprise.

I know all about free enterprise and the American way.

I fought a war for all that.

What war? The big one. Korea.

Well, it was big to me.

(MUTTERING TO SELF) That's what they do, put you on hold,

soon as they don't want ya.

Hello?

Hello?

(CLICKS RADIO ON)

(FRANK SINATRA'S WHEN YOU'RE SMILING PLAYING ON RADIO)

(COUGHING)

(FRANK SINATRA'S WHEN YOU'RE SMILING PLAYING ON RADIO)

(FRANK SINATRA'S WHEN YOU'RE SMILING PLAYING ON RADIO)

(EXPLOSION)

(BABY CRYING)

Excuse me, it's my first time here.

Where do you get a blue card?

Blue car?

Card.

Card? Ah!

Yes, sir.

My green card, I leave in my other pant.

Oh, you don't speak English.

Oh, I better help you. I think at some...

Ventano tres.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

Oh, look. Numero tres.

(CONTINUES IN SPANISH)

Senor, I love

-America. -Isn't it?

Thank you. Okay.

- Permiso . -Thank you.

GIRL: Mommy, do you think we'll get more than $125 this week?

-(BABY CRYING) -Excuse me.

Um, I just want to ask one quick question.

Do you mind if I hop in line for a second?

No, not at all.

If you don't mind my biting off your nose and sticking it up your ass.

I have explained and explained to you, Mr. Paluso,

why you're not eligible.

But I've explained to you, lady, that I paid into unemployment

for the entire 12 years that I owned the station.

-So I don't see why... -Yes, but if you're the owner,

you cannot be unemployed.

Only an employee can be unemployed.

I do not make the rules, and I'm sorry for that.

So since I paid in all that money, and nobody's collected,

-then I don't see why... -Mr. Paluso,

I'm terribly, terribly, terribly, terribly unable to help you.

Is there someone else I can talk to?

Your supervisor or the assistant,

-or somebody... -Yes, you may obtain a form in line C, and then

-take it to... -I'm sorry, I'm not standing in any more lines!

I've stood in line since 8:00 a.m. this morning,

six hours it took me to get to see you,

and now you tell me you can't help me.

So I'm just gonna sit right here

until someone who can help me shows up.

I'll ask you politely to vacate the chair at once.

You can't treat people like cattle.

Oh, excuse me.

Sir, for the last time, I'm asking you to leave.

I'm not leaving.

I'm not going any place

until somebody gives me a logical answer...

What the hell?

-Jesus! Goddamn it! -Next.

Jesus.

More coffee, hon?

Mmm.

Alrighty.

(GRUNTS)

Mmm.

(GRUNTS)

(MOANS)

(GROANS)

(MOANS)

(MOANS)

Oh!

Hey, could you cut that out or go someplace else, please?

Excuse me?

The moaning, the noises,

the moaning noises you're making every couple of minutes.

It's beginning to get to me.

I don't know who you're hearing moaning, pal,

but I don't moan.

Huh.

-Oh, I'm sorry, it must've been somebody else. -Yeah.

I'm not a moaner.

-Okay, forget it. -Yeah.

(SCOFFING) Moan.

(SNIFFLES)

(CLEARS THROAT)

Wasn't a moan. I was just clearing my throat.

(GROANS)

I mean, just... I was...

A person can't clear his throat?

(SOBBING)

Hey.

Hey, listen.

I'm not the most sensitive guy in the world,

but I can see that you got some kind of trouble,

and you'd probably feel a lot better

if you unload it on somebody.

So if you want to talk about what's bothering you,

go do it someplace else, okay?

Check.

What's wrong with people in the world, huh?

I mean, today

a head of a major corporation had a parrot fire me.

And a woman I've known for years, pulled a gun on me.

And another woman I don't even know at all,

she threatened to bite off my nose

and stick it up my ass. (CRYING)

And now I'm accused of moaning!

(DOOR SLAMS)

All right, everybody freeze!

Everybody!

Everybody!

Don't be jiving with my ass and don't give me no shit.

Y'all, get out the booth!

Get out the booth! Now!

You, Get off... Get off of the damn stool. Get up here.

And you. And hey,

what the hell wrong with you, you honky mofo?

You better get the lead out your ass

and the bread out your face and get up here!

Whoa! Where was you goin'?

You wasn't gonna go to police, was ya?

Now, you gonna take your clothes off!

Get over there, everybody!

-Oh. -Get your damn clothes off. Now move!

Start strippin'! Get your clothes off!

Now, get your ass out here and...

Get them clothes off!

Get on out there! Go on!

-(CASH COUNTER RATTLES) -Get to shuckin'.

Shit, man!

Look here. You ain't got no money!

Goddamn, what they pay you in? Food stamps?

You ought to be robbin' me!

Get 'em off! Goddamn, you slower than molasses.

Hey, I thought I told you get them damn clothes off!

I promise I won't chase you.

Let me keep my pants on, and I swear to God,

I'll stay right in this spot.

I'll be like a rock,

standing here, with my pants on.

With...?

Let me talk to you. Let me talk to you.

-Let me tell you something. -Shoot, man...

I tell ya, listen, I'm a divorced man, you see,

and I kind of let the laundry pile up this week,

and I'm not wearing any underwear.

Shit, man, I ain't interested in your damn laundry!

Just get your honky ass out of this laundry! That's all I'm interested in.

-Now move. -Please.

All right. Give the guy a break.

He's not wearing any underwear.

I mean, some people aren't gifted in that area.

Shut your damn mouth!

Okay, okay, I'll take it off.

I'll undress. Don't get so excited.

Well, get at it. Come on, come on.

Damn it!

I'm not gonna see this man dangle for your delight.

Come on. You can take our wallets,

but you can't take our dignity.

Well, I'll tell you what.

While your britches down around your ankle,

why don't you just bend over and kiss your ass goodbye?

'Cause I'm about to blow you out of here! You hear me?

You hear?

(ALL SCREAMING)

Let go of my gun!

I'm gonna blow your ass off!

(GUNSHOT FIRED)

Ahhh!

(GROANS)

(GROANING)

(CHUCKLES) I've been shot.

Ahhh.

Oh. I'm bleeding, aren't I?

Oh, that's a major gash. Oh, God.

(GROANS)

Oh. I couldn't die in a good restaurant.

No. My last meal had to be a chili dog.

You're not gonna die.

They always say that to people who are dying, don't they?

Yeah. Oh.

(GROANS)

Did you see the gunman?

Did you see what he looked like?

He looked familiar.

Huh?

You look familiar too.

Oh.

You, I've never seen.

DOREEN: I never thought I'd be engaged to a man with a bullet wound.

I think it's very '80s.

Very sexy.

-In a way. -Mmm.

Hi.

(DONALD MUMBLING)

DONALD: (WEAKLY) Hi. I'll live.

Press that button, honey. I have a surprise for you.

-Look, press it. -What button?

-That one right there. Come on. -Okay.

-Whoa, whoa, whoa. Watch out. -Oh, Donald...

(LAUGHING) Oh, look at that.

-Up scope. -Okay.

Whoa, whoa. Look at that.

Oh, Mr. Weasel rising from the dead.

(CLEARS THROAT) Donald. Donald.

Sonny.

I don't want to break up your fun.

Oh, are you kidding? Come on in here.

Oh. Sonny Paluso, I'd like you to meet my wife-to-be, Doreen Ryan.

-Honey. -Sonny.

What you did was really brave. Thank you.

It was one of those crazy things.

I just came by to see how you were feeling.

Well,

besides the ventilation, fine. (CHUCKLES)

Listen, I came by to apologize.

I mean, if it wasn't for me,

-you wouldn't have got shot. -Hey, come on now.

-You wouldn't be here. -No. No.

-I mean it. -No, I do too.

I mean, sometimes you need somebody to knock some sense back into you,

a little taste of mondo reality.

I mean, we spend so much of our lives pursuing

that almighty dollar that...

Well, if we're not careful,

we can lose track of things that matter most.

Like people you love,

health,

God.

Those are three of the big ones, all right.

Yeah.

You know, when they brought me in here, I...

I lost a lot of blood.

And I hesitate to tell you this,

'cause you're gonna think, "Whoa, Bozo City." But...

No, go ahead. What?

As I felt my life ebbing away

just for an instant

I saw God's face.

You wanna know what God looks like?

Sure. Who wouldn't?

I couldn't make out too clearly, because there was like this...

Well, this

bright glow.

Like, this white cloud all around him.

But then finally, I could make out a head.

You know, he has a large head.

Sure, he's God.

Finally, the cloud disappeared.

MAN ON TV: It's quite possible that these two

mundane heroes will serve as an...

I heard this voice say...

Holy shit!

Gee, that's us!

MAN ON TV: Ordinary citizens putting up their dukes,

and slugging it out.

Indeed, shooting it out

with violent criminals.

That's heroism.

Or is it?

In this station manager's opinion,

it is reckless and potentially fatal stupidity.

What...? Ah! Ah!

Jeopardizing the lives of innocent people

is an act of hotshots,

-Hotshots? -not heroes.

DONALD: Hotshots?

Criminals must be stopped, but by our capable police force,

not hotshots

-Hotshots. -armed only with dumb luck.

-Oh, dumb luck. -This has been a Channel 6 editorial.

Opposing viewpoints are welcome.

You want an opposing viewpoint?

Here's your opposing viewpoint, you video dipshit!

2036.

Take it easy, Donald.

He hardly ever acts like this.

What do you mean, take it easy? Look!

He made idiots out of us! Ugh!

Donald, I am sure no one who matters watches the 5:00 p.m. news.

Yeah, forget about it. He was just doing his job.

Sonny, I think we should go down there and give a rebuttal.

What do you think, eh?

I mean, I think it's mandatory.

Well, he's got a right to his opinion.

Besides, I think the holdup guy

knows that I saw his face, yeah.

I know he knows that.

So what? Are you afraid?

Yes.

(TV PLAYING)

All right. I won't get involved. That's fine.

MALE VOICE: Great movies all this week on Channel 6.

Monday, it's Billy Jack .

Tuesday, High Noon .

-And Wednesday, it's Mr. Smith Goes... -(DOOR CLOSING)

(DOG BARKING)

(PEOPLE MOANING ON TV)

Good evening, baby.

Hi, Poppy.

How'd it go today?

Did you find a new place for the station?

No, not yet.

Well, it shouldn't be too hard to rebuild the old one.

Well, I didn't exactly tell you the truth

about my relocating,

Candice, I didn't want you to worry.

Yeah, well, it worked. I wasn't worried at all.

But you're old enough now to know what's going on.

Just remember that things always happen for the best.

Okay?

Now I'm worried.

Well, I...

I didn't say anything for you to be worried about yet.

Yeah, I know, but the last time that you said

that "things always happen for the best,"

you and mom were getting a divorce.

So, what piece of terrific news do you have now?

Well,

the truth of it is that...

(MOANING)

WOMAN ON TV: Oh, yeah.

What channel is this, PBS?

PBS. I'm sure.

No, it's a cassette.

When the West was Wet.

Who gave you this?

I, I went by the video arcade over by the Laundromat,

and, um, they were all playing these, uh,

well, this guy, uh...

Well, anyway, he was playing Cosmic Attack

while he was waiting for his shirts,

and so we started... We started to talk and stuff...

And stuff?

Well, Dad, come on.

Cut me some slack. I mean, he's a nice guy.

Nice guy?

Nice guys don't give 16-year-old girls stag films.

DONALD: The esteemed station manager...

Well, it was a tape, if you don't know.

I don't want you going near video arcades.

I don't even want you going near Laundromats.

You're 16-years-old, for Christ's sake!

And you don't know the first thing

about life,

about...

The event I'm speaking of is the attempted robbery

of the Pit Stop Diner,

somewhere in the vicinity approximately a week ago,

give or take a day. (CLEARS THROAT)

Oh, my God.

What? What?

Mr. Van Deusen said, and I quote,

"Crime should be handled by the police,

"not by hotshots with dumb luck."

-Who's that guy? -Shh.

DONALD: I don't think we're hotshots,

I just think that we're non-victims.

I know it's the job of the police to stop crime,

but I think it's the right of every citizen

to protect himself,

be he male or female, be he male...

Redundancy is strange,

but I think you have that right.

Sounds like a real brain.

Why is there crime?

I think the root cause is criminals.

I mean, for crime to flourish,

there must be, A, criminals, and, B, victims.

Or maybe, B, victims and, A, criminals. I don't know.

But if there were no victims, there would be no criminals.

Unless of course, criminals preyed upon other criminals,

ad infinitum, which I don't think would happen,

but I digress.

I'm speaking strongly for myself,

not for Mr. Sonny Paluso,

my compatriot, when I say that I vehemently...

Oh, my God. He mentioned my name.

Perhaps Mr. Van Deusen would sing a different tune

if he was forced to undress at gunpoint

and was wearing no underwear like my poor friend Sonny.

(METAL CLANKING)

That's just my opinion, not Mr. Paluso's opinion.

MAN OVER PHONE: Directory assistance. Borough, please.

JACK: A listing for Sonny Paluso, please.

Brooklyn or Queens. I'm not sure.

MAN OVER PHONE: How are you spelling that, please?

JACK: P-A-L-U-S-O. Paluso.

MAN OVER PHONE: U-S-O?

JACK: Yeah, I guess. I'm not sure.

MAN OVER PHONE: Uh, I've got an S. Paluso.

That's it. That's it.

Could I trouble you for the address?

He said my name on television.

Congratulations.

I'm not a hero, I'm not a hotshot,

I'm just a citizen who believes

in life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness

to the best of my ability.

I'd like to say good night and have a pleasant tomorrow.

(SNORING)

JACK: Hey.

I'm really sorry to wake you,

but I never kill a man in his sleep.

(SNORING)

(MOANS)

(MUMBLES)

I'm...

This is one of those very lifelike dreams.

And I'm in the dream, knowing it's a dream.

And what I have to do is wake up and turn on the light.

I wake up and turn,

JACK: Sorry.

Very sorry.

Nice explanation, though.

Listen, you don't wanna kill me.

No, not particularly. I hadn't made any plans to kill you.

But I saw your friend on television, Sonny,

and he's running that big mouth,

making a circus out of this whole thing, see?

Well, that's gonna put pressure on the cops to come into this.

And you two just identify me,

the cops come and arrest me,

then they stick the fork in my ass, I'm done.

I told him not to go on TV.

You think you were upset? I was upset.

I called him immediately.

I told him as far as I was concerned,

he was no friend of mine.

I hire this out to kill people, all right?

Mmm-hmm.

And I'm responsible for a lot of big, very big murders.

Unsolved murders.

Remember a certain Labor leader that just disappeared? Hmm?

Jimmy Hoffa?

Well...

I'm not here to list my credits,

but I've made a pretty good living.

Till the economy went in the toilet.

Now it's kind of tough in my racket.

Everybody's wanting a bargain.

Even those rich dudes, got all the money,

they want me to give them a deal, see?

I don't make deals in my business.

I know what you mean.

See, I was raised a very strict Southern Baptist.

And I place a high value on human life.

Twenty thousand dollars minimum.

That's very fair.

Hmm.

You think I wasn't embarrassed doing armed robbery?

Using that phony accent in that cafe, huh?

(LAUGHS)

I never been called a honky mofo before.

Well, what the hell, I had to be somebody.

Besides, I figured,

-we blame everything on blacks anyway, don't we? -Sure.

-So I'm a putz. -A putz.

(BOTH LAUGH)

You know, when I told you I didn't have any underwear on,

and you were pointing the gun at me,

I felt like a putz too.

(BOTH LAUGH)

-You didn't wanna come out of them pants, did ya? -No.

The place was too crowded, wasn't it?

-(LAUGHING) -SONNY: Well, I...

Well, listen, Sonny, I guess I better be getting home.

See, if I'm gone too long, the old lady thinks I have a cat in the bag.

Oh, sure. Can I get you a cup of coffee or something

-before you go? -JACK: No, thanks.

That caffeine makes me rather quick.

If you don't mind, I would like to use your pillow there

-to muffle the gunshot. -(SONNY GASPS)

You're still gonna kill me?

Well, it's business, Sonny.

I mean, I got a family.

(WHIMPERS) Well, I got a family too.

And there their pictures are on the wall, there.

One with the freckles, is that your daughter?

Yeah.

Kind of reminds me of my oldest daughter a little bit.

She's a very sweet girl.

Hey.

Is that who I think that is?

Is that Trini Lopez in that limousine?

-Yeah, that's right. -Is it?

-That's Trini. -You're kidding.

-And that's me and his chauffeur. -Really?

Yeah, they came in that day for, for gasoline

and, and new wipers, I remember.

Lemon Tree . Remember Lemon Tree ? Made a record of that song.

My favorite song he ever made.

Oh, the record, yeah, I love that song.

Wrote something on there. What's that Spanish writing? I can't read it.

Gasolina por la,

Gracias por la gasoline.

Gracias. What does gracias.. "Thanks for pouring gas," right? (CHUCKLES)

Yeah, so you figured.

Writes funny, don't he?

(LAUGHING) Yes. (SNIFFLES)

-(COCKS GUN) -(GASPS)

Back to business.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

-Who is that? -I don't know.

I swear to God. I don't know.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Swear to God, I... Get out of bed. Move!

I don't know who that is.

(KNOCKING CONTINUES)

CANDICE: I'm coming! I'm coming.

-(DOORBELL RINGS) -(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

CANDICE: Okay, okay, I'm coming.

DONALD: Hello. Is Sonny here?

You're the guy from the 5:00 news, right?

Yes, I'm Donald Quinelle. Thank you.

-Come in. -Thank you very much.

CANDICE: He's upstairs.

DONALD: I think he must've seen me on the news

because he left a very unusual message on my answering machine

with lots of carnal verbs.

DONALD: I think he's awake now, I heard him stir.

I think if I just talked to him, we could work it out.

CANDICE: No, wait a minute. I wouldn't.

I mean, I woke him up before, and he got really mad at me.

DONALD: There's no chance you'd wake him again?

I mean, just tell him I'm here. See what he says, okay?

-No way. No way. -(SIGHS)

I'll give you a dollar.

Dad!

What are you doing out of bed?

You tell your friend to get in here.

I can't do that.

I said tell your friend to get in here.

Please, don't ask me to do that. I can't do that.

He's an idiot, but I can't double-cross him. I can't. I won't do it.

JACK: Shut up. Keep quiet!

No, no, uh... I've...I got to go.

Don't bother waking him. I better be going.

I'll get back to him tomorrow, okay? Bye-bye.

CANDICE: He's gone.

I didn't hear the door slam.

Just forgot my hat!

-(BANGS DOOR) -(MUFFLED) Bye.

All right.

Move, move.

(GASPS)

(HEAVY BREATHING)

Look at that. You really creamed that sucker.

(PANTING) Yeah, I did. Didn't I?

Boy, I didn't know I had that in me.

I saw my whole life flash in front of me, I thought this was it.

Boy, you really hit him hard.

Yeah, yeah. Boy, I, I thought it was him.

I, I was right there. I, I heard the voice. I thought that's him.

Then I heard him say, "Keep quiet."

I thought, "Oh, my God." And I ran down there, all of a sudden, I ran back up...

Then he, then, then, then he start,

I'm sorry. I didn't even know I had that.

Is that funny? I don't know. Is it strange?

And then, and then, Oh, God. I got this. I got this.

Then I ran back upstairs. And then all of a sudden, I got...I thought...

You, you came out. And so, God, I almost got you.

Then he came out, no, no, then you came out first. Then wham!

-(GASPS) -You know, then I...

Ooh, I felt so...Wham! (CHUCKLES)

He fell, he dropped like a sack of potatoes. And I ran back in. I got this!

I guess I just kind of improvised. It's... I guess I have it within me.

That thing that makes me grab things and wanna hurt things. And, and, and...I, I, I...

I'm babbling. I'm sorry.

Boy, it felt...And then he... He...He's...(PANTING)

He's not dead, is he? Oh, God, no.

I mean, I didn't hit him too hard? I'm not covered for that.

It's okay. He's moving. He's okay. He's alive.

-He's coming to. -Thank God.

Maybe you better hit him again.

Oh, no. No, no, you hit him.

No, I can't hit him. You hit him.

Please. I don't want to hit him. You have the technique down.

-I already hit him. -Just a little tap.

Yeah, okay. Okay.

No, I've got this. What am I thinking? I've got this.

There. That's good. Here. I'll keep him cops, you call the cover. Come on.

(JACK GROANING)

All right, there we go.

He's moving. You moved! Hey, don't wait for me, pal.

Just leave it to the police, okay?

You're history, pal!

MAN ON PHONE: Hello, police department.

Listen, we have a...

MAN ON PHONE: All our personnel are busy, but stay on the line,

and your call will be answered by the first available officer.

(NEW YORK, NEW YORK PLAYING)

DONALD: Over here, pal! Let's...

DONALD: That's it.

Come on. Wait, hey, hey! Watch it.

Pick your leg up. All right, come on.

Wait, wait! Ah!

SONNY: Be careful! Someone'll get hurt!

Ow! Let's go. Let's...

Come on. That's it. Come on.

Right. I'm fine. I'm fine. Come on. Come on.

Oh, look. The neighbors are awake. That's it.

Oh, you're going to the chair, pal.

Then you're gonna get my dry-cleaning bill. Get in there, get in there.

I'm fine now. I'm fine. Everything's cool. Just start the car.

You all right. Didn't get hurt?

No, not at all. That tree's dead, though.

Don't know much about handlin' automatic weapons, do you?

Well, I'm handling it, aren't I?

Well, I wish you'd put the safety on that thing.

Ooh, you'd like that, wouldn't you?

-I really would. -Yeah, I bet.

-It's right there on... -Hey, put your damn hand down!

Put it down. (LAUGHS)

Don't try that trick on me. You think you're Mr. Smart. Well, you met Mr. Smarter.

Honky mofo.

Hey, Donald, would you please put the safety on?

I mean, in case we stop suddenly or hit a bump or something.

Okay, Sonny. Yeah, right, right.

Now, would you point the gun in a safe direction?

Donald, for everyone's sake, will you do it?

Yeah. I am, I am.

All right, now right in front of...

Shut up! Get on your hands! Your damn hands!

Excuse me.

Oh, good. That's fine. Okay.

Back in a safe direction.

Now, right in front of that hammer there is a lever on the left side of the gun. See?

Push it up. Right thumb.

Okay, great. Now what?

Well, now the gun's on safe.

(PEOPLE TALKING)

(PHONE RINGING)

Mmm. Excuse me, officer.

Have a seat.

-Uh, we have a man... -Have a seat, okay?

Okay.

We'll just have to wait a little bit.

Come on!

Listen, he's busy, and I hate to put you out...

Detective! Detective, I've just been accosted!

Pardon me, ma'am, but we were here first.

I was accosted.

In this century?

Let the lady talk, will you!

Everybody calm down, okay?

Mmm-Hmm.

Now, what's your complaint, ma'am?

I was on my way home from my friend Alice's apartment.

I went over there to help her. She's making a sweater for her son.

He's a big attorney in Denver.

Ah, cut the crap, grandma. Get to the point!

Donald, stop that!

And as I passed a 7-Eleven, they started to shout nasty insults at me.

Officer, I'm not talking pee-pee, ca-ca. I'm talking attempted murder.

(OLD LADY SCREAMING)

MAN: He's got a gun!

(GUNS COCKING)

Well, I believe you've got everybody's attention.

Drop the gun.

(PHONE RINGING)

Officer, I'm not the criminal. This man is the criminal. We just brought him in here.

That's true, officer. We don't want to make any trouble.

Put it on the desk, scumbag.

Get rid of the gun, Donald.

Officer, my name is Donald Quinelle.

You know, the ironic thing is, this isn't even my...

(GAGGING)

Wait a minute, aren't you the guy on the 5:00 news?

(SQUEAKS) Yeah.

Let him go.

(COUGHING)

You have violated my rights, not to mention my integrity.

Oh, I think that's whiplash and attempted asphyxiation. That's a nice double lawsuit.

You know, you shouldn't go waving guns around like this.

Officer, that's not my gun, it's his gun.

It is. That's true, officer.

Uh, well, sir, actually, the gun belonged to my father.

See, he was killed carrying that weapon on Iwo Jima.

He threw himself on a grenade.

His commanding officer sent it to me.

It's all I have to remember him by. Yes, sir.

While you're at that, why don't you tell him about

the mule that General Lee gave your granny at Gettysburg, hmm?

Officer, this man is slicker than whale shit in an ice floe.

Whether you know or not, you're looking for this man.

Look at him! Doesn't he have a face like something

in the road company of Deliverance. Come on now.

Oh, yeah? What'd he do?

Tell young Kojak what he did.

Well, actually, uh, he's the gentleman who, uh...

Who robbed the diner.

How could you not tell him that guy was the guy who killed Hoffa?

That little fact just escape you?

He could've just been talking. Let's get out of here.

But it came to the big moment, he said, "What'd he do?"

Then you said, "He robbed the diner, that's all." Zip, doodah, nada.

Like Attila the Hun just conquered Europe, that's all. That guy want to kill you!

He could've killed you, shoved you in a trash compactor.

You end up as doorstop for a guy named Vinnie. "Oh, hey, how you doin'?"

We're still alive, aren't we?

Anyway, the computer will discover who he is.

And in about 30 years, when he gets out of jail,

he won't bare us any grudge, he'll go and kill the computer.

Oh, God, I had him right there, I should have blown him away! God!

And the police, oh they were great too. "Put the gun down, scumbag."

And then hotshot! Oh, God, that pissed me off.

I may be an asshole, but I'm not a scumbag.

Donald, get in the car.

You're right. I'm... I'm overreacting. Sorry.

(GRUNTS)

You know something, Sonny?

I really miss that gun.

I've had it with guns for one night, Donald.

Yeah.

Boy...

(SIGHS)

Can we stop and look here?

You don't know what guns look like?

We'll browse. Just a few minutes.

We...Just...We'll just check it out. Come on, please.

No.

All right. I'll go it alone.

Donald! That light changes, I'm leaving.

I'll take a cab.

If you're not out here in 10 minutes, I'll be gone.

Ah, bless you, Sonny.

(PEOPLE TALKING)

Hey, look out.

GUN SALESMAN: It is gonna happen. Society is gonna bite the big one.

And like Wes says, "When the goin' gets tough, the tough get goin'.

"But the smart money's gonna head for the hills."

Donald. Donald.

Sonny, can you wait just a minute?

I want to see what happens when society bites the big one.

...magazines and periodicals throughout this country.

Mister, can I see one of those magazines?

Oh, sure, partner.

And you know your training fee can be applied for the down payment

on a Wes Huntley deluxe survival hideaway.

GUN SALESMAN 2: This is a .44 magnum.

-Can I hold it? -Oh, sure!

-Can I hold that one? -It's a beauty.

-Oh, yeah. -Thanks.

This fits in the small of the back.

Oh, really? To come up behind someone?

-Well, I, uh... -Oh, oh! Right, right. (LAUGHS)

Come on, Donald. Let's go.

I'm just looking, Sonny.

-Well, look fast! -You got it.

-SALESMAN: That's quite hefty -I can get used to it.

Can I see one of those?

-Oh, sure. -Thanks.

Let me check it out for you.

ANNOUNCER (OVER SPEAKER): Sixty-four.

There you go.

Aboriginal.

Beg your pardon?

This obsession that people have for guns.

Just like the cowboys.

Uh-huh.

How about that, huh?

Aim it right down the barrel. Sight right down the barrel.

Oh, boy. I like it.

Can I get a shoulder holster?

Shoulder holster?

-Yeah! -Sure, they make one.

How about right in there.

See how I got that, huh? I pulled that out, all right, didn't I?

It's quite bulky.

You sure you wouldn't want something a little more compact?

That little thing wouldn't kill a flea.

I bet if you saw me with this, you'd run. I want one.

-I want one. -You don't want one.

-Yes, I do. -No, you don't.

Oh, I have wonderful luck with my Mace.

Well, sir, you think you'd like it?

Yes, I would, but what's that?

Maybe we could go together on a...

Oh, well, uh, thank you very much, but I'm allergic to Mace.

-Oh, you poor dear. -Quite a weapon.

DONALD: Quite a weapon.

Just looking.

(DOOR OPENS)

-(DOOR CLOSES) -(LOCKS CLICKING)

DOREEN: Donald?

Hon? I'll be right in. Don't you worry. I'll be right there.

Where were you?

What?

What time is it?

Oh, it's late, little buttercup.

Oh, You go right back to bed. I'll be right there.

-Mmm. -Come on now. Let's go.

You know I can't fall asleep again once I wake up.

Not unless we snuggle.

-No, no. -Come on!

Woo-hoo. Ugh.

(CHUCKLING NERVOUSLY) Oh, oh, oh.

(CLEARS THROAT) Something's poking me.

That's the best I could do, hon, on short notice.

-(BOTH LAUGHING) -Something's under here.

(CHUCKLING) Oh, make a wish.

What is that?

Looks like an assault rifle, hon. Semiautomatic, .308 caliber,

with a, uh, folding stock.

I was going to show it to you at breakfast, Frizzer.

You spoiled my surprise.

Oh. I've seen that look. You're mad at me, aren't you?

I'm not mad at you.

Oh, really?

Well, yay! 'Cause you're gonna love these other goodies I got.

Little detachable bayonet. (CHUCKLES)

Look. Ha, hey! Self-cleaning too. That's nice. So it won't rust.

Oh, and there's some other things too. I got one for you.

It's called a "fem-prod," or "the little squealer."

Whoa! Ha-ha. Kind of nice, a little designer thing. Goes with any outfit. Black!

I've got another one here. Look at this.

This is a circumfire concussion grenade. You know, boom!

(IMITATES EXPLOSION) That'd break up any party, I think.

Okay. Look at these. These are like little designer weapons.

Little Chinese throwing stars. (VOCALIZING)

You can even put 'em as buttons. And watch how somebody messes with you...

I shouldn't... Oh, I know.

Oh, and I got two extra clips. These are fun. Look at that.

This is for if you only want to fire a medium load.

And this is if you're really into firing. Fifty shots.

Oh, wait, wait. This is it. He threw this in for free. Look at this.

Looks like a belt buckle, doesn't it? But, okay...

Surprise! (LAUGHS) Yeah.

Now you're mad at me.

I'm not mad at you.

You've been under a lot of pressure.

And I know that pressure can make people do crazy and impulsive things.

Hon, no. I didn't just buy these things for me. I bought them for us.

Especially, I mean, for you too!

If someone breaks in here, what are you gonna do? Stun 'em with your good taste?

I don't think so. Hon, I, I, I...(STAMMERING)

I bought these things because there's a need.

I think the world out there is coming undone like a cheap suit.

And I think, oh, we have to be ready for that. I mean, this may be impulsive,

but it's not crazy. Not at all. Hardly.

Maybe we should get some rest. And talk about this tomorrow.

I think you should read this first.

Look at that, hon. "Give me two weeks, and I'll give you a future."

I've enrolled us in the course.

I want us to fly up to Vermont for a couple weeks, and, you know, see how we feel.

And who knows, we may like it so much, we may never come back. Huh?

-Are you serious? -Oh, yes dear. Very much so.

You know. I think that times are changing and not for the better.

Oh.

I never thought I'd be contemplating marriage to a man who owned

an automatic assault rifle.

It's not automatic, hon, it's semiautomatic. Automatic weapons are illegal.

And why are you using the word "contemplating"?

I just mean, Donald...

You seem so different.

Hey, Frizzer. I'm no different, I'm just armed.

Hey. Hey, survival training's gonna be fun.

Just gonna be like skiing, except for booby traps.

I don't believe in surviving. I believe in living.

Come on, Doreen. Take a chance, come on.

I'm not gonna go.

If you wanna go to this place, you can, but I'm not gonna be here when you get back.

Yeah, you will. 'Cause you'll love me more when I come back.

Yeah, 'cause remember how I used to be a wimp.

But when I come back, you're gonna love me even more

because I'm gonna be a real man.

I love who you are now, Donald.

Or at least who I thought you were.

Do...

(DOOR CLOSING)

DONALD: Sonny!

I'm on my way. Got all my gear in there.

I just thought I'd give you one last chance to join me.

Sounds wonderful, Donald. Maybe you can give me pointers when you get back.

Well, depending on how things go, I might not come back.

I might buy one of those survival condos and stay up there, indefinitely.

Indefinitely? Huh.

Well, just in case you want to stop by and visit, here's the address and directions.

There are no phones up there so you can't call me.

We'll write. We'll tie messages on birds. (CHUCKLES)

Oh, yeah. Yeah, you're lookin' at me right now like,

"The lights are on, but nobody's home."

Nah, hey, come on. A man's got to do what a man's got to do.

You know, I never had a friend like you.

Same here, Donald.

You take care of yourself.

You too, kid.

So I get 47% of the meter drop plus tips, right?

(VOCALIZING)

WOMAN OVER RADIO: Car 89, your fare will meet you in front of the address.

Well... Looks like we're gonna have us a little rain.

If it keeps up, his damp weather. What do you think?

Let's go.

Take a right.

-You escaped? -I made bail.

They let you out?

(LAUGHING)

All they had me for was attempted robbery.

And the computer didn't work either.

See?

So here we are.

You, temporarily.

Now, I want you to take it right down this turn, right here.

Where?

Right up here, next street there.

Are you gonna start that shit again?

(TRAIN RUMBLING)

Wait a second.

No, you wait a second.

Take them hands, put 'em in pockets.

Listen, if the police didn't link you to the murders, then nobody knows who you are.

You know who I am, don't you? Your friend knows who I am.

I didn't say anything at the police station, did I?

I could've told them who you were, but I didn't, did I?

Well, I appreciate that.

But I ain't sure about your friend. I don't know if his biscuits are all done.

I tell you what. You give up the idea of killing us,

and we won't say a word to anybody about your knocking off...

Uh...Uh...(STAMMERING)

You see? I already forgot his name. (LAUGHING)

Why don't we go talk to your friend?

He went out of town for a while. Maybe indefinitely.

Okay, let's call him.

There are no phones up there.

Well, look, I can't talk to the man, I can't phone the man.

Tell you what. I'll give you his address.

I have his address. I think I do. I'll give it to you.

Get away from the car. Come here.

I'll make a deal with you, Sonny.

If I haven't heard from your friend in a week...

(TRAIN RUMBLING) ...you're gonna be two of the deadest sons of bitches

God ever strung a goat through, you hear me?

Now, my phone number is 555-1727.

And don't call before 9:00 a.m.

I'm gonna take your car, I'm sure you don't mind.

My pleasure.

You remember that number.

(MOUTHING)

(SCREAMING)

Look!

Hello.

We're lookin' for somebody, but we could look someplace else.

(SPITTING) I knew... (SPITTING) I knew...(SPITTING)

I knew you'd change your mind. Huh.

(SPITTING) Feel like a gynecologist for a grizzly bear.

Donald?

Hope you like scrambled eggs.

Yeah. I didn't know you cooked.

Well, I'll whip up something special now and then.

What else can you whip up?

Powdered coffee, powdered pancakes, powdered bacon.

Ha, if you were in a hurry, you could snort breakfast.

I have. Ah, here we go. Mmm.

There. Oh, you'll get the hang of it real soon. There, hmm?

Are those done?

Oh, you bet. What brings you here, huh?

Ah, you're probably fleeing the "Big Cesspool," aren't you?

Yeah, that's what Wes calls New York, the Big Cesspool. Kind of a play on words.

You know, Big Apple, Big Cesspool.

He's a witty guy.

Oh, yeah. Can't wait for you to meet him.

Well, why are you really here, Sonny?

Could you excuse us for a minute, sweetheart?

Do I have to?

Yes. Go in the other room and watch TV.

I don't have a TV.

How do you exist?

Sweetheart. Go in the other room and read a magazine, look out the window,

listen to your headphones.

Okay.

Watch for migrating geese.

And you didn't take your breakfast.

Feed it to the migrating geese.

-(SIZZLING) -Oh.

If you don't turn the heat off, the eggs clot, and they turn to powder again.

Saw Jack the other night.

-Jack? -He's out on bail.

I guess it's like Wes says, "The only people worse than lawbreakers are lawmakers."

Donald, I made a deal with him.

Donald, stop cooking for a minute and listen to me. I made a deal with Jack.

We reveal nothing about what we know, and he in turn...

...leaves us alone.

But he wants to hear it from your lips...

...that you'll go along. What do you say?

Let's go find a phone.

Here, Candice, darling, go get some change in case this runs over three minutes.

I tell you something, I don't think that Jack really wanted to kill us.

I think that basically, he's a decent human being.

Jack. Jack, it's Sonny Paluso.

Oh, it's a ten of nine.

Yes, I'm sorry. You did, and I forgot.

I'm, I'm very sorry. I'll call you back after. Please excuse...You sure?

You sure it's okay? I mean, I don't mind calling you. You sure?

He's right here. He's very anxious to talk to you.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

Hello. Yes, this is Donald Quinelle.

Yeah, Sonny told me.

Mmm-hmm. Yes.

What do I think?

Well, I think that I could tell whoever I want,

whatever I want, whenever I want.

And I don't wanna hear about what you want.

(LAUGHS) Really? I think you'd be the one that would know

your mother in that way.

(CHUCKLING) Well, you don't scare me.

Matter of fact, you amuse me.

And next time I see you, I'll try not to laugh in your little inbred face.

Well, my ass is right here if you wanna whup it.

Just come on up and try, and I'll blow you away like lint.

Tell you what. I'll give you directions, dipshit. Mmm-hmm.

Well...Yes, indeed. Can you write?

Is there anyone there with an education above the first grade?

Well, you just take Highway 16.

Yes, that's one and then five numbers after it. Great.

Well, you drive fast, oyster-brain. Yes, indeed.

'Cause the sooner you get here,

the sooner there'll be one less wart on the ass of society.

Well, yeah, fuck you too. Bye-bye.

(LAUGHS) You feel better?

Absolutely. He'll be here tomorrow. Oh, what a relief.

What a weight off my mind. Thank you, Donald.

No, no, thank you, Sonny. God, think of it,

it'll be like my final exam.

I mean, going mano-a-mano with only the victor left to tell the tale.

Mano-a-mano? Donald, what did you say to him?

You leavin' again?

Mmm-hmm.

Is she young?

Who?

Jack, we've been married too long to play these games.

When you'd leave for days on end, I never ask...

I wish you wouldn't start that.

I can't help it.

Last time, you went away for weeks.

You ever gonna trust me?

I don't care if she's a stewardess or something.

But if you're in love...

Eddie,

come on, after 17 years, you know I'm not in love with anybody else.

Why these sudden trips? These secretive phone calls that send you running?

I lie awake, picturing you with her.

You wanna know?

You really wanna know? I'm a professional killer.

Oh, come on.

That's right.

Want to know where I've been the last two weeks?

Been in jail.

Wanna know where I'm goin'?

I'm going to kill two people.

Wanna know why?

Very simple.

See, these two men can finger me for the death of Jimmy Hoffa.

Then I'm gonna spend the rest of my life in jail.

I can't have that shit.

So I'm not out there committin' adultery.

I'm out there committin' murder.

Oh, thank God!

It wasn't as if I asked you to do anything difficult.

A simple phone call, that's all.

Are you through?

No! He's a professional killer.

-So am I. -You are a professional shit-disturber!

Boy, I can't believe you.

I don't believe you actually called him a clam-brain!

Oyster-brain.

There are still people leading normal lives.

Why can't I be one of those people?

What did I do to end up with a crazy person

who's dressed up like an Eskimo terrorist?

Mmm. Now you're attacking my clothes. Thank you.

What are we gonna do?

We're going stand and fight, that's what we're gonna do. And we're gonna win.

And we're gonna walk tall and fear no man.

No, really. What are we gonna do?

You wanna meet someone who's gonna help you stop worrying?

Desperately.

Take a right, up there.

-Mush doggy. -(DOGS BARKING)

-(GUNSHOT FIRED) -Stay close to me. Wes is using live ammunition

in the training today. So come on.

I'd hate to get killed before Jack gets here.

I would...I'd hate to get killed anytime.

I mean if you get killed, you can't party or anything. It would really be a drag.

For sure.

(GUNSHOTS FIRED)

Wes says, "Shoot the radios.

"Because without music, they lose half the will to fight."

(GUNSHOTS FIRED)

You won't find any arrowheads down there.

Come on. Huh.

(DOGS HOWLING)

We each have our own attack dog-sled team.

They can go anywhere.

If it's real cold, well, you can sleep with the dogs.

Platonically, of course.

-What does that mean? -It means he's not a dog-lover.

Wes actually ate one of his dogs once.

On purpose?

Yes, he was stranded without food.

The good thing he said was, it tasted a little bit like squirrel.

The sad thing was, well, Barney was his fastest dog.

Not fast enough.

Wes has really changed my life.

Now I control my environment, rather than it controlling me.

If I had to, I could kill.

I once took this aerobic dance class once.

It didn't cost me $5,000 or anything.

But if I had to, I could jump up into the air and land in a split.

-No lie. -You die!

(BOTH SCREAMING)

(BOB GAGGING) Sorry, Bob. Too early.

-Seen Wes? -(BOB COUGHING)

Greetings, gentlemen.

Welcome to the new Middle Ages.

Which there'll be violence and destruction and savagery

never dreamed of.

But if you are prepared,

this will be a time to treasure.

For all of you,

you are the kings of the future.

(MEN MUTTER)

-Get your packs. -(DOGS HOWLING)

Did you pass out the Supply Survival catalogs?

Survival Hideaway brochures?

Thought I didn't pass those out till you finished

the Kings of the Future speech.

I finished the "Kings of the Future" speech, Wiley.

Look alive. Come on, move.

Please, turn to page three of your Wes Huntley Supply Survival catalog.

Gentlemen, as you know, when the end comes,

there will be no supermarkets,

and there will be no drugstores...

-Page three. -But there will always be mail order.

And this is your bible.

And of course, the nominal $2 fee

will be refunded on your first purchase of over 50 bucks.

Listen, this is gonna sound like a really stupid question,

but, uh, aren't you guys gonna get really bored out here

if society doesn't collapse?

I wouldn't worry about that.

Wes says, "Society is heading for the big flush."

We're gonna be the ones who are clinging to the rim

-while everything else goes down. -Ew.

What'll you do if things get better?

Is the air getting better?

-That's true. -Mmm?

The economy, the Middle East, arts, literature, television, U.S. presidents improving?

Anyone can nitpick.

Sonny, name one thing that's gotten better in the last 10 years.

See?

Video games.

Video games, there you are.

All right, I acknowledge that.

But you have to admit society's eventually gonna deteriorate.

Yeah, but hiding up here in the hills, it seems so... So un-American.

We won't stay here forever.

-No? -No, no.

See, when the shit hits the fan, pardon me,

we're gonna come down and take over.

Now, you can't get any more American than that, can you?

Sonny,

see that black attache case over there that man's carrying?

In that attache case are Wes' plans for the restructuring of society.

Boy, think about that. A whole new society.

(CHUCKLES) And we could be part of it.

Doesn't it make your sphincter tingle?

"Sphincter tingle."

That's not words that came to mind.

I want you to meet Wes, we'll tell him about Jack.

Now wait a minute. We gotta tell him about Jack

because then everybody can prepare for the same thing.

It'll be like a homecoming, come on.

We'll make him something special.

Maybe we shouldn't.

Maybe we should keep this between us and Jack.

You know, mano a mano.

If we tell Wes, he'll probably want to get a mano in there too.

That'll spoil it, you're right.

That's the way John Wayne would've done it.

Damn straight. Fuckin' A. Pardon me.

Let's go. Let's go meet Wes right now.

I think we'll do that, but let's go see Wes right now.

Well, all right, I tell you what we do.

Tomorrow morning, we get up real early,

zip over, meet Wes, maybe take a little stroll,

then in the afternoon, when Jack comes, we finish him off,

grab an early dinner...

-Make a day of it. -Exactly.

Fantastic.

Well, huh. Oh, God. Does this make you realize that men have nipples too?

(SIGHS) What do you mean?

You know, Wes said some other things, you know?

-Nipples? -Nipples.

Hello, Jack. How've you been?

Bang!

Whew. (SIGHS)

Sure, Jack, we can talk.

Talk this! (LOUDLY)

(CHUCKLES)

Ah, Jack. I admire a man, Jack,

who can go one-on-one with me, because, oh! Oh, you cheat!

Oh, my leg. Hey, Jack! Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

Whoa! Ha! Ah!

Too bad you're wearing that Teflon vest.

Well, I guess you've got me, Jack.

Not really! Bam!

Oh, now for the mercy kill. Ciao, baby.

Pow!

Hey.

Pardon me?

Let's get out of here. Let's pack.

Hey, pack this.

Donald.

You're gonna force me to do something I didn't wanna do.

What's that, old man? Ah!

(SCREAMS)

(DONALD GRUNTING)

You see, I'm a master of hand-to-hand combat.

-Oh. -Yeah.

Well...

(GROANING)

Sorry, Donsy. Now you're packed.

(DOGS HOWLING)

-Okay. -Right.

WES (IN DISTANCE): Are you looking at the stream?

Quick. Let's get him out of sight.

Faster, Wiley, faster!

The number-three dog is limping.

-He looks like he's limping to me. -(THUD)

I think there's something in his paw.

(DOGS BARKING)

Knock it off, already.

-Howdy. -Don Quinelle around?

-He's out. -Totally.

You a friend of Don's?

Yes. I'm Sonny Paluso. This is my daughter, Candice.

(KISSES)

Such lovely skin.

Her skin is only 16 years old, sir.

I have some business to discuss with Don.

I'll probably see him at the morning looter class.

We're not gonna be here.

Uh, Candice and I won't be here.

We just dropped in for the day.

We're on our way back to the big cesspool.

Oh, I'm afraid not. I've ordered the whole area closed.

There's no way in or out till dawn.

Oh, that's good. That's good. We'll sleep a lot better knowing that.

Doreen.

You have a nice night, Candice.

Thank you, sir. You too.

Here, Lucky! Here, boy!

Mush!

MAN ON RADIO: WXIW weather.

Intermittent snow flurries.

Okay, now, let's do it once more.

What are you gonna say to Jack when he comes?

I'm gonna say...

"I go along with the deal."

Mmm.

Then I say,

"Doesn't matter what happened before,

it's just between him and the police.

That's nice.

And I'm gonna say, "I'm sorry,

"but I'm gonna have to blow a large hole in your skeevy heart."

Skeevy heart.

Yeah.

That's an expression you learned from Wes.

Yes.

Wes says the only way to meet an attack is with a vicious counterattack.

If I don't get any sleep, I'm not gonna be very vicious.

Mmm-hmm.

And to you, Wes is a god, right?

No. Just an ordinary man.

A little ahead of his time, but just a man.

Wes is an asshole.

Blasphemy! You'll smoke a turd in hell for that!

Now, Wes says, "Your gun is your friend."

Oh, yes. Yes, I love my gun.

-Here is your gun. -Oh!

Show me how you're going to use it when Jack gets here.

Give it to me. Give it. (SCREAMS)

(GROANING)

Or maybe you'd like to use your friend, the knife.

No! Ow! Shit! Oh! Oh!

Perhaps when Jack comes in, you'd prefer to make him some nice pancakes.

No! No! No!

Yes! Oh, yes! Oh. Oh.

This is a lot like how I gave up smoking.

-Hmm. (SIGHS) -All right.

Now, let's go through it once more.

What are you gonna say when Jack comes?

"Hi, Jack. Want some pancakes?"

Mmm-hmm.

(WIND HOWLING)

(GRUNTING)

(KNIFE CUTTING)

Yes. Hey, Sport.

Off with that thing. Big day. Come on. Shh! Shh!

Come on out. Come on. Come on.

There we go. Yes, yes.

Yes, today we go to victory.

(CHUCKLES) Yes.

Here we go. Okay, there we are.

Okay, sorry.

(CHUCKLES) If you do this well, you'll be leader of the pack.

-(GUNSHOTS FIRED) -Industry is dead!

The bread lines are forming!

America is bankrupt!

The future is anarchy! Be alert!

The have-nots will soon be coming after those of us

who were smart enough to prepare for the final and inevitable end.

Looting may occur any day or night.

So use your eyes. And your ears!

Move out! Move out!

Wasn't Donald Quinelle signed up for the looter course?

Yes, he paid the fee.

(HUMMING WAGNER'S RIDE OF THE VALKYRIES)

Ah... Oh, God, I love the smell of malamute in the morning!

(CONTINUES HUMMING WAGNER'S RIDE OF THE VALKYRIES)

(DOGS BARKING)

He's chewed through the ropes.

He's more primitive than I thought.

Mmm, no more for me, thanks.

Candice! You only had to watch him for minutes!

I did.

CANDICE: Where is he?

God knows. He's not as dumb as I thought.

Well, he has to be around here somewhere.

Because I had my eye on him the whole time.

Candice, you fell asleep.

I didn't. I swear. I...

Look, here's what happened. I was...I was... You were asleep.

I was sitting here, I was wide awake, and he was asleep.

And I was awake, watching him, and...

Well, I think he released this gas.

And he must've had it in his shoes,

and released it with his toes because...

Candice.

(SIGHS)

Okay, I'm not sure about the gas,

but what happened was...umm...

All right, I fell asleep. I'm sorry. You know. I messed up. Okay?

You hate me, right?

You just sit here, ya understand?

And don't open the door.

Not to anybody.

Okay?

Where's Don?

Don, he had to leave in a hurry.

Something's not kosher in Denmark.

Somebody's gonna tell me what the H is going on around here.

I know something's wrong. I can smell it like a dog.

Well, you are what you eat. (CHUCKLES)

What's this all about?

I was making a sweater.

-(PATTING) -What have you done with Donald?

Mush! Mush!

(DOGS BARKING)

Yo! Yo!

Yo!

Oh, shit!

(GUNSHOT FIRED)

No! Not now!

Dogs don't chicken out! Stay! Stay!

Goddamn it!

What's wrong, your gun jam? Mr. Honky Mofo!

(GUNSHOTS CONTINUE)

Hah!

(GRUNTS) Whoa!

(GRUNTS)

(SCREAMS)

Oh, shit!

My God, that's sick.

(GRUNTS)

What kind of man gives cigarettes to trees?

Come on out and fight!

Listen! Now, I don't wanna have to kill you!

You don't wanna (COUGHING)

(CHUCKLES)

Ah!

You're not gonna certainly kill me

the slow way by leaving cigarettes in trees!

(GRUNTS)

You wanna try and kill me?

Well, Mr. Honky Mofo.

Take your best shot!

Ah! Oh! Oh!

It's the same arm! Ah!

I'm...I'm... It's too cold.

It's too cold. Obviously, my arm's frozen. That's why I'm not bleeding.

Oh, God.

(LAUGHING)

(KISSES)

Men.

I'm afraid I'm gonna have to ask you to do something

I haven't fully trained you for.

I'm gonna have to ask you to kill.

What did he say?

Don't be intimidated, men.

I'm merely speaking of some simple, scum-sucking vermin.

All right.

Now, this may not be the hordes of starving city vermin

that we've been hoping for,

but these days, you have to take what you can get.

Sorry, Wes.

Go ahead.

You will be up against a professional killer.

Now, this is us!

And the vermin could be anywhere on this road,

or he could be in the luxury survival residence

of our own Donald Quinelle.

We are going to be here.

And we are going to be here.

And the command post will be here.

And the special squad will surround the command post.

Now, those of you with weapons

that have been modified to fire full auto...

Excuse me, are you...

Are you saying you want us to actually shoot a real person?

Well, that's what you're being trained for here, son, isn't it?

Will this cost extra?

(GUNSHOTS FIRED)

You shot my gun, God damn it!

You're not supposed to shoot a person's gun!

Oh, God, that pisses me off!

You know how much one of these costs?

You think you got me, don't you?

Well, this one has your name and address on it!

(CHUCKLES)

(COCKS GUN)

Oh...

Jack?

Yeah?

Time out, okay?

What?

Time out.

You won't believe this...

But I brought the wrong bullets.

Is that right?

Yeah.

This morning, I was in a hurry to get out of the cabin

and, well, I brought the wrong ammo.

Silly me.

Uh, it's a mistake anybody could make.

So, what do you want me to do?

You want me to hang around here and make a few snowballs?

While you go back and get some bullets to shoot at me?

Would you mind?

I'll be right back. It'll just take a minute, okay?

Yeah, you go right ahead!

Oh, bless you. I knew you were church people.

Liar!

-(DOGS WHIMPER) -Mush!

Shit!

Men.

-Follow me. -(CHEERING)

Donald!

You idiot, you're gonna get us all killed!

-(DOGS WHINING) -Where the hell are you?

Hyah! Hyah! Hyah!

No, no! Wait! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Donald! Donald!

Sonny, what the hell are you doing here?

Donald, you're alive! What happened? Where's Jack?

Unfortunately, he's alive too. Now, come on. Get on, damn it!

Move it. On it. Yeah. Easy.

Hike! Hyah! Hyah! Ho, yeah! Mush!

DONALD: (TALKING VERY FAST) I emptied the whole clip.

I put more bullets in, I put more bullets in.

I realize 38. caliber, 38. caliber! They don't fit 48. caliber.

That's why I'm here. That's why I'm here.

I need ammunition. Help me! Check in! Check in!

-CANDICE: Where? Where? -DONALD: Over there!

Oh, you made me slap my own hand! Damn it.

Why am I wearing all this stuff? I don't need this.

I'm gonna strip down for combat efficiency.

He shot my gun. Oh, he ruined my gun. That's a $1,000.00 gun.

Are these them?

I need .45s. Those are long and thin.

I need .45 caliber, which are short and fat.

-Short and fat. -Short and fat. Okay.

You got it. You're checking in.

God bless you for staying with me on that point.

You're not going anyplace. I'm gonna stand right here.

And you and your fat, short bullets are not getting past me.

You understand?

We're alive. Let's keep it that way.

Candice, quit helping.

Listen. I didn't ask you to come up here and save me in the first place.

I didn't come up here to save you. I came up here to save myself.

-Really? -Yeah.

Oh. Well, I...

...guess it's like what Wes says.

"When it comes down to it, it's every man for himself.

"No man is an island,

"and some men are peninsulas."

-What? -Listen, I don't want you to die either.

Oh, don't try and kiss my ass now, Sonny.

You're a friend of mine.

Too late for that.

Okay, Jack, let's talk this over.

Sonny, I'm not interested in talking.

There's somebody trying to kill me.

I were you, I would get away from that window. Come on!

(GLASS SHATTERING)

Can't anyone just look out a window without breaking the glass?

Come on. I don't even have this house paid for yet.

(COCKS GUN)

All right, white platoon. I want you to get across the front of that house,

lay down a perimeter of fire.

Wes, I can't go into battle wearing this.

-How am I gonna walk? -...Protect his command post.

-How am I gonna reload? -I'm gonna fire right here.

How am I going to move with cat-like swiftness?

Just guard the briefcase, Wiley. It holds the future. You got my gloves?

WES: Throw out your weapons and come out!

(LAUGHS) How do you feel now, Mr. Big Shot Gun-For-Hire?

Those are my people out there.

One of you fire a warning shot. Let 'em know we mean business.

(GUNS FIRING RAPIDLY)

(GLASS SHATTERING)

Guess my friends are a tad trigger-happy.

Donald, get out there and tell them we're coming out.

What's all this "we" shit? I ain't about to go out there.

I can't go out there, I mean...

How would it look if I went out, and he's still alive?

Well, if you think I'm gonna let you shoot me

so you look good for your friends out there, brother, you crazy.

Chicken shit!

Stop your bickering and figure out something to do.

I will count to five, at which time, if you have not surrendered,

I will give the command to open fire.

But, he tried to kill me.

Who shot at who first?

Well, I didn't put a hole in your jacket like this one. Look at that!

One...

Who tried to make a deal, huh? Me!

And then who starts shootin' up the trees?

-Me! -Yeah, you!

Well, I was nervous.

Two...

What about me?

Oh, come off it, man. You're so cool, you piss ice cubes.

Check your weapons.

JACK: It's a hereditary thing in my family, you know. Uh, nerves, colitis...

Colitis, that must be horrible being a professional killer with colitis.

-Yeah, that's what I... -They must hear you coming, don't they.

Three...

These things are wonderful, you gonna love it. Have a Rolaids!

(DONALD LAUGHS)

Yeah, hurry up. I need one of them.

-Oh, God. -Yeah.

-Oh, God. How do you... -Want a Rolaid?

I got some Valium, if you want a Valium. I got some...

Take aim...

It's okay. You can all go home, everything's under control.

Thank you very much. Thanks for coming. We don't need you.

Send out the vermin!

This can all be settled peacefully, thank you.

No, it can't. Send him out, or we open fire.

(DOGS WHINING)

What's the matter with you people?

All of a sudden, everybody wants to shoot everybody.

You guys have been hanging around up here too long.

You're waiting... No, hoping for this country to fall apart.

You got paper targets that look like real people that you're shooting at.

So you can kill with no more thought than putting a hole in a piece of paper.

Are you guys insane, or what?

Why don't you just knock each other off right now?

You can start with me first, because if that's what this country is coming to,

if you guys are the future, then I don't want to be here see it.

(COCKS GUN)

Stand by. This could be a trick.

"As our beloved general Douglas MacArthur once said,

"'The soldier, above all other people,

"'prays for peace.

"'For he must suffer and bear the deepest wounds and scars of war.

"'The soldier is the noblest development of mankind

"'but no brute instinct can take the place of divine help.'"

Horseshit.

(GUNS COCKING)

(DOGS WHINING)

-Dad. -Not now. Go back.

(SHOUTING) This scumbag's gonna die! He's gonna die!

What the hell are you doing?

I got the drop on this varmint! That's what I'm doing!

(QUIETLY) Go to the car. Now! Do it!

(SHOUTING) Get out of here, old man! Take that little hippie girl with you!

Know what's wrong with you, Sonny? You're meek!

And the meek are gonna inherit the earth, all right.

To the depth of six feet!

I'm gonna blow his mind!

He's gonna be bloody!

He's gonna be one steamin' hunk of goo!

I'm gonna tear his ears off and hang 'em over my rearview mirror,

like a couple of furry dice.

And then I'll put his eyes where his ears were,

so he can see when I clap.

You were always my favorite, Donald.

And then a bowtie out of his intestines!

Talk softer, Donald.

Maybe we should turn him over to the authorities, you know? Be very good publicity.

No! No, he's mine!

-Please, turn me over... -Shut up!

No. You're gonna crawl, sleaze bag!

You're gonna die like a whimpering dog in the dirt.

(DOG BARKING)

-Well, like a whimpering cat in the dirt! -(DOG BARKS)

Move it! Move it! Move it.

What the hell are you doing?

We wanna watch.

(TROOPS CHEERING)

No! It's a private thing.

Between him and me.

Mano-a-mano.

It's the way John Wayne would've done it.

(TROOPS CHEERING)

You know, he's right. Here.

You'll need this.

If you need help, we'll be here.

Bless you, Wes. (SHOUTING) Move it, dickhead!

-(WHIMPERS) -Come on, haul it.

-You're gonna die like a man. Or facsimile of a man! -No, please no!

(JACK SCREAMING)

Well, this is where we're supposed to meet them.

At least, I think this is where we're supposed to meet them.

Did Donald come up with this plan?

Yeah.

Then it doesn't make any difference where we wait. It's not gonna work.

DONALD (OVER RADIO): This is Don. Over.

We read you. Do you need assistance? Over.

Uh, negative. I wish you could be here. Up off your knees, slime mold!

(IMITATES STATIC) I'm about, uh, 200...Uh, from the...

Uh, follow the trail of blood to the... Uh, large pine...My knife...

(IMITATES STATIC)

I'm...Now I'm...

JACK: No, don't!

-Yeah, he's begging for mercy. -Please! No! No!

-No, no, no! -(IMITATES STATIC) Over.

I'm now taking... (SCREAMS)

(GURGLING)

His tongue is in my hand!

-His tongue is in his hand? Ugh! -(SCREAMING)

Where'd you say his tongue was?

-(GUNSHOTS) -JACK: Oh! Aah!

-(GUNSHOTS CONTINUE) -Aah, aah!

DONALD: Geez! Missed completely.

That sounded like a car door.

Don. Come in, Don.

And now, from the stage of the Grand Ole Opry,

it's Bill Monroe and His Bluegrass Boys, singing,

Wes, Stick It Where The Sun Don't Shine!

(CAR TIRES SQUEALING)

(ALL CLAMORING)

WES: Get that sucker! Come on!

To the sleds! I want him alive! Get the bastards!

I want 'em back.

JACK: Will you just let go?

-SONNY: Let me drive. -What's the matter with my driving?

Driving like a trout out of water with, with diarrhea.

Don't start, Sonny, don't start.

WES (OVER RADIO): Wiley, move your mutts!

Every man, every weapon, follow me!

Hey, this is great! Look at that!

CANDICE: Whoa! Those dogs are fast!

Don't worry about the dogs.

Ain't a dog alive, catch an American car made before the catalytic converter.

Come on! Let's go!

(SCREAMING)

You think it's possible you were a little wide on that turn?

-I smell gas. Excuse me! -CANDICE: My head!

Excuse me, I'd like to get out now, if I could.

I think I'd like to get out of the car. I don't wanna die!

Gotta get out. I was gonna go in a plane! Let me out of the damn car!

Good. This'll be like shooting fish in a barrel.

Now we open fire, right?

No, we wait for the support team, Wiley.

I'll show you how to...

Would you move? See, that's why I don't buy American cars.

They ain't worth a shit!

Everybody out of the car.

(DOGS BARKING)

Everybody back in the car.

Boy, they sure put one over on us.

I'll bet this is the last time anybody makes you look like a dork.

Move over there. I'm takin' over. I'm driving.

Not doing anything. They're just taunting us.

Move it, Sonny! Move it! Oh!

You're moving! You're moving, Sonny! You're free! You're free!

Keep going! Keep going! You're free!

You're stuck!

Well, that does it for me.

They're sneaking away. Fire a warning shot. Just one.

Check.

Listen, you wanna give me a hand?

-Well, maybe I...Ah! -(GUNSHOT)

-Wait a minute! Don't shoot! -Shit!

I'm telling you, those guys are morons.

They're well-armed morons.

You, know, this is one of the neatest times we have ever had!

(DOGS HOWLING)

JACK: Don't shoot. They're too far.

-Close enough to shoot at us. -Get down!

Now, listen. When I go around...from the back, see...

Huh? Hold it! Wait a minute!

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Move out! And take them alive!

We'll break you!

-Where you going? -Queens Boulevard.

What about them?

(SIGHS)

Okay.

A medal for the man who gets them!

And then you graduate now. The taste of victory!

Keep moving, men! Move out, forget the old fart!

For Christ sakes, Wiley, why are the dogs chasing the car?

These dogs aren't listening!

CANDICE: Way to go! You're freaking 'em out.

Hold on!

Watch out!

Damn son of...

Wiley!

(CHEERING)

Wiley, calm down!

Oh, shit!

WILEY: Stop! Stand where you are, men. Nobody move!

Don't touch anything! Freeze!

The future depends on these documents, men.

Now, do not read that. You wouldn't understand it. Here, give me that.

You wouldn't understand it. Oh, thank you. I got it.

Yes, good.

These are the plans for the reorganization of society after the collapse?

May I have those, please?

That piece of paper says you own a Mini Pearl takeout franchise in Detroit.

It's great chicken, kid.

New York City municipal bonds due in the year 2025?

I love the Broadway theater.

You've got, what, 5,000 shares in United States Steel? Christmas club accounts?

Wes, three books of S and H Green Stamps.

I can explain that, Wiley.

And an S and H Green Stamp catalog

with a circle around an outdoor barbecue for 20 books.

All right!

All right. Listen.

I believe in America.

I'm just a simple businessman.

That's all it's about, isn't it? Capitalism?

Making the most of an opportunity. You know what I mean?

MAN 1: I want my money back.

ALL: Yeah!

There are no refunds.

MAN 2: I got my receipt.

But, I could make each one of you a partner in a mini-mart in Pittsburgh!

(MEN JEERING)

Forget it.

Wait!

(SHRIEKING) I think I got to go now.

(MEN SHOUTING)

You know, you really got to hand it to that guy.

I mean, the economy's in the toilet, and he's making a bundle!

(LAUGHING)

I guess I have to find some other sucker to buy my cabin. (LAUGHS)

You don't have to worry about that.

You don't own the land.

According to this, Wes has a two year lease on the land from the Iroquois Indians.

(WHINING) Oh, God!

I'll bet the Indians, they're having some laughs about this. (WHIMPERING)

Say, listen, I hope this isn't a personal question, but, uh, where did you put Jimmy Hoffa?

It was a hype. Mmm-hmm. (CHUCKLES)

What, you injected him with something or something?

No, honey. I didn't kill him. I mean, nobody else took credit for it.

I figured it'd do wonders for my reputation. I mean, you know, how it is.

You didn't kill Jimmy Hoffa?

Well, no, I didn't even know the man.

You kiddin'?

Well, I figure they gonna catch up with me sooner or later

on a lot of this other stuff I did, so... I ain't gonna worry about it.

I have tremendous faith in our American system of justice. (LAUGHS)

Could we pull the car over?

I'd like to get some air.

Maybe you'd better pull over.

Donald, where you going?

There's air over there by the car. It's just the same air.

What's the matter? Did you get sick riding in the back?

I always get sick riding in the back.

I don't know where I'm going.

North, I think you're heading directly north.

I don't know what's real anymore, Sonny.

Real? These are real trees, real snow, it's real cold.

I used to be on my way up in the world.

Now I look like I'm on my way to a Veteran's Day parade in Nome.

(CHUCKLING) I'm not going anywhere.

I know what you need.

A good meal. Some hot, solid food. Beef stew.

Let's get in the car, we'll go back, we'll find a nice little diner, uh?

I can't go anywhere dressed like this.

I look like a guardian Eskimo. Sheesh. (HUFFING)

I don't have a job. (CHUCKLES)

I don't have any money. I don't have any place to live.

I don't even have Doreen anymore.

Donald, you could get pneumonia.

At least that's something.

Are you nuts?

Yes. Yes. (UNZIPPING ZIPPER) Ha-ha. Ah.

I think I am. (CHUCKLES) Yeah.

You know, it's not that bad.

Donald, you're gonna freeze.

Yeah. (CHUCKLING)

You're right. I'm freezing.

What do I do now, Sonny?

Well, the first thing you're gonna do is you're gonna take my coat.

No, no, then you'll freeze.

That's okay. We'll freeze together.

(LAUGHING)

Thanks.

Hey.

Oh, thanks.

You're welcome.

Tell me things are gonna work out, Sonny.

Everything's gonna work out.

Yeah. Yeah. Boy!

It's been a strange winter, hasn't it?

Not really.