All language subtitles for The.Survivors.1983.1080p.WEBRip.x264-RARBG.English

(PHONE RINGING)

Mr. Quinelle.

Morning, Betty.

Mr. Stoddard would like you
to step into the board room.

-Wants to see me?
-You can go right in.

Mr. Stoddard.

Mr. Stoddard, sir?

Mr. Stoddard.

(WHISTLES)

Quinelle.

(PARROT SQUAWKING)

Good morning, Donald.

(SQUAWKS)

You have been
a valuable asset
to this company.

-(WHISTLES)
-(SQUAWKS)

So this is not easy
for me to say.

(SQUAWKS)

You're fired.

-(SQUAWKS)
-(WHISTLES)

(GIBBERING)

(CHUCKLING) Mr. Stoddard,

Mr. Stoddard, you can come out
now and have your laugh.

Mr. Stoddard?

Oh.

(SQUAWKS) You wouldn't
have a peanut

or a cracker or anything
like that, would you?

No. Zip.

So...

No. No. This is...

Betty.

There's a parrot in there.

(CHUCKLES) I just got
fired by a parrot.

Oh, wow, that's...
(LAUGHS)

I mean, I didn't know
the old man had
a sense of humor.

That's magnificent.
Where is he?

He's away until
the reorganization's complete.

Reorganization?

We'll miss you, Mr. Quinelle.

(DRAWER CLOSES)

Here's your final paycheck.

Mr. Stoddard's allowing you
the use of the company car,

until the end of the month,
bless his heart.

Oh, come on, Betty. I mean...

A bird can't fire me,
I'm upper management.
(LAUGHING)

They can't fire me.

Yes, he can.

Um, Betty, I think
we have a little mistake here.

Could we get Mr. Stoddard
on the phone?

I have strict instructions
not to bother him.

I think you are gonna have
to bypass those orders, Betty.

-Can you get him on the phone?
-I can't.

Get him on the phone,
Betty, please.

-(DRAWER OPENING)
-I mean, I've worked here
eight years. I deserve...

Oh!

Don't make me use this.

I think you're overreacting
a little here.

I'm sick and tired of
everybody carping,
griping and grumbling.

Nobody seems to care
how Mr. Stoddard feels.

Well, how does he feel, Betty?

He's developed
a peptic ulcer and colitis.

-Oh. That would upset me too.
-Every person he's laid off

is just like another nail
in his coffin.

You have no idea
how hard he worked

to teach the bird to say that.

Why didn't he just have
him fly over and just take
a dump on me?

Oh, I suppose you'd
rather have gotten a cold

inhuman computer printout?

I hope you don't mind me
saying this, Mr. Quinelle,

but you're an ungrateful turd.

-Ah!
-(CLANKING)

(METAL CLANKS)

(HONKING)

SONNY: And 12 years
of doing business
doesn't mean anything, right?

I mean, you can close
me up, just like that?

All right,
you're not closing me up,

you're just
eliminating deliveries.

I'm a goddamn gas station,

what are my customers
supposed to do,

push their cars in
so I can check their oil?

Don't tell me
about free enterprise.

I know all about
free enterprise and
the American way.

I fought a war for all that.

What war? The big one. Korea.

Well, it was big to me.

(MUTTERING TO SELF)
That's what they do,
put you on hold,

soon as they don't want ya.

Hello?

Hello?

(CLICKS RADIO ON)

(FRANK SINATRA'S WHEN YOU'RE
SMILING PLAYING ON RADIO)

(COUGHING)

(FRANK SINATRA'S WHEN YOU'RE
SMILING PLAYING ON RADIO)

(FRANK SINATRA'S WHEN YOU'RE
SMILING PLAYING ON RADIO)

(EXPLOSION)

(BABY CRYING)

Excuse me,
it's my first time here.

Where do you get a blue card?

Blue car?

Card.

Card? Ah!

Yes, sir.

My green card,
I leave in my other pant.

Oh, you don't speak English.

Oh, I better help you.
I think at some...

Ventano tres.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

Oh, look. Numero tres.

(CONTINUES IN SPANISH)

Senor, I love

-America.
-Isn't it?

Thank you. Okay.

- Permiso .
-Thank you.

GIRL: Mommy, do you think
we'll get more than
$125 this week?

-(BABY CRYING)
-Excuse me.

Um, I just want to ask
one quick question.

Do you mind if I hop
in line for a second?

No, not at all.

If you don't mind
my biting off your nose
and sticking it up your ass.

I have explained
and explained
to you, Mr. Paluso,

why you're not eligible.

But I've explained to you,
lady, that I paid
into unemployment

for the entire 12 years
that I owned the station.

-So I don't see why...
-Yes, but if you're the owner,

you cannot be unemployed.

Only an employee
can be unemployed.

I do not make the rules,
and I'm sorry for that.

So since I paid
in all that money,
and nobody's collected,

-then I don't see why...
-Mr. Paluso,

I'm terribly, terribly,
terribly, terribly
unable to help you.

Is there someone else
I can talk to?

Your supervisor
or the assistant,

-or somebody...
-Yes, you may obtain a form
in line C, and then

-take it to...
-I'm sorry, I'm not standing
in any more lines!

I've stood in line
since 8:00 a.m. this morning,

six hours it took me
to get to see you,

and now you tell me
you can't help me.

So I'm just gonna
sit right here

until someone
who can help me shows up.

I'll ask you politely
to vacate the chair at once.

You can't treat
people like cattle.

Oh, excuse me.

Sir, for the last time,
I'm asking you to leave.

I'm not leaving.

I'm not going any place

until somebody gives me
a logical answer...

What the hell?

-Jesus! Goddamn it!
-Next.

Jesus.

More coffee, hon?

Mmm.

Alrighty.

(GRUNTS)

Mmm.

(GRUNTS)

(MOANS)

(GROANS)

(MOANS)

(MOANS)

Oh!

Hey, could you cut that out
or go someplace else, please?

Excuse me?

The moaning, the noises,

the moaning noises
you're making every
couple of minutes.

It's beginning to get to me.

I don't know who you're
hearing moaning, pal,

but I don't moan.

Huh.

-Oh, I'm sorry, it must've
been somebody else.
-Yeah.

I'm not a moaner.

-Okay, forget it.
-Yeah.

(SCOFFING) Moan.

(SNIFFLES)

(CLEARS THROAT)

Wasn't a moan.
I was just clearing my throat.

(GROANS)

I mean, just... I was...

A person can't
clear his throat?

(SOBBING)

Hey.

Hey, listen.

I'm not the most sensitive guy
in the world,

but I can see that you got
some kind of trouble,

and you'd probably feel
a lot better

if you unload it on somebody.

So if you want to talk about
what's bothering you,

go do it someplace else, okay?

Check.

What's wrong with
people in the world, huh?

I mean, today

a head of a major corporation
had a parrot fire me.

And a woman I've known
for years, pulled a gun on me.

And another woman
I don't even know at all,

she threatened
to bite off my nose

and stick it up my ass.
(CRYING)

And now I'm accused
of moaning!

(DOOR SLAMS)

All right,
everybody freeze!

Everybody!

Everybody!

Don't be jiving with my ass
and don't give me no shit.

Y'all, get out the booth!

Get out the booth! Now!

You, Get off...
Get off of the damn stool.
Get up here.

And you. And hey,

what the hell wrong
with you, you honky mofo?

You better get the lead
out your ass

and the bread out your face
and get up here!

Whoa! Where was you goin'?

You wasn't gonna
go to police, was ya?

Now, you gonna take
your clothes off!

Get over there, everybody!

-Oh.
-Get your damn clothes off.
Now move!

Start strippin'!
Get your clothes off!

Now, get your ass
out here and...

Get them clothes off!

Get on out there! Go on!

-(CASH COUNTER RATTLES)
-Get to shuckin'.

Shit, man!

Look here.
You ain't got no money!

Goddamn, what they pay you in?
Food stamps?

You ought to be robbin' me!

Get 'em off! Goddamn,
you slower than molasses.

Hey, I thought I told you
get them damn clothes off!

I promise I won't chase you.

Let me keep my pants on,
and I swear to God,

I'll stay right in this spot.

I'll be like a rock,

standing here,
with my pants on.

With...?

Let me talk to you.
Let me talk to you.

-Let me tell you something.
-Shoot, man...

I tell ya, listen,
I'm a divorced man, you see,

and I kind of let the laundry
pile up this week,

and I'm not wearing
any underwear.

Shit, man, I ain't interested
in your damn laundry!

Just get your honky ass
out of this laundry!
That's all I'm interested in.

-Now move.
-Please.

All right.
Give the guy a break.

He's not wearing
any underwear.

I mean, some people
aren't gifted in that area.

Shut your damn mouth!

Okay, okay, I'll take it off.

I'll undress.
Don't get so excited.

Well, get at it.
Come on, come on.

Damn it!

I'm not gonna see this man
dangle for your delight.

Come on.
You can take our wallets,

but you can't take
our dignity.

Well, I'll tell you what.

While your britches
down around your ankle,

why don't you just bend over
and kiss your ass goodbye?

'Cause I'm about to blow you
out of here! You hear me?

You hear?

(ALL SCREAMING)

Let go of my gun!

I'm gonna blow your ass off!

(GUNSHOT FIRED)

Ahhh!

(GROANS)

(GROANING)

(CHUCKLES) I've been shot.

Ahhh.

Oh. I'm bleeding, aren't I?

Oh, that's a major gash.
Oh, God.

(GROANS)

Oh. I couldn't die
in a good restaurant.

No. My last meal
had to be a chili dog.

You're not gonna die.

They always say that to people
who are dying, don't they?

Yeah. Oh.

(GROANS)

Did you see the gunman?

Did you see what
he looked like?

He looked familiar.

Huh?

You look familiar too.

Oh.

You, I've never seen.

DOREEN: I never thought
I'd be engaged to a man
with a bullet wound.

I think it's very '80s.

Very sexy.

-In a way.
-Mmm.

Hi.

(DONALD MUMBLING)

DONALD: (WEAKLY)
Hi. I'll live.

Press that button, honey.
I have a surprise for you.

-Look, press it.
-What button?

-That one right there.
Come on.
-Okay.

-Whoa, whoa, whoa. Watch out.
-Oh, Donald...

(LAUGHING) Oh, look at that.

-Up scope.
-Okay.

Whoa, whoa. Look at that.

Oh, Mr. Weasel
rising from the dead.

(CLEARS THROAT)
Donald. Donald.

Sonny.

I don't want
to break up your fun.

Oh, are you kidding?
Come on in here.

Oh. Sonny Paluso,
I'd like you to meet
my wife-to-be, Doreen Ryan.

-Honey.
-Sonny.

What you did was really brave.
Thank you.

It was one
of those crazy things.

I just came by to see
how you were feeling.

Well,

besides the ventilation,
fine. (CHUCKLES)

Listen, I came by
to apologize.

I mean, if it wasn't for me,

-you wouldn't have got shot.
-Hey, come on now.

-You wouldn't be here.
-No. No.

-I mean it.
-No, I do too.

I mean, sometimes you need
somebody to knock
some sense back into you,

a little taste
of mondo reality.

I mean, we spend so much
of our lives pursuing

that almighty dollar that...

Well, if we're not careful,

we can lose track
of things that matter most.

Like people you love,

health,

God.

Those are three
of the big ones, all right.

Yeah.

You know, when they
brought me in here, I...

I lost a lot of blood.

And I hesitate
to tell you this,

'cause you're gonna think,
"Whoa, Bozo City." But...

No, go ahead. What?

As I felt my life
ebbing away

just for an instant

I saw God's face.

You wanna know
what God looks like?

Sure. Who wouldn't?

I couldn't make out
too clearly, because
there was like this...

Well, this

bright glow.

Like, this white cloud
all around him.

But then finally,
I could make out a head.

You know, he has a large head.

Sure, he's God.

Finally, the cloud
disappeared.

MAN ON TV: It's quite
possible that these two

mundane heroes
will serve as an...

I heard this voice say...

Holy shit!

Gee, that's us!

MAN ON TV: Ordinary citizens
putting up their dukes,

and slugging it out.

Indeed, shooting it out

with violent criminals.

That's heroism.

Or is it?

In this station
manager's opinion,

it is reckless and
potentially fatal stupidity.

What...? Ah! Ah!

Jeopardizing the lives
of innocent people

is an act of hotshots,

-Hotshots?
-not heroes.

DONALD: Hotshots?

Criminals must be stopped,
but by our capable
police force,

not hotshots

-Hotshots.
-armed only with dumb luck.

-Oh, dumb luck.
-This has been
a Channel 6 editorial.

Opposing viewpoints
are welcome.

You want an
opposing viewpoint?

Here's your opposing
viewpoint, you video dipshit!

2036.

Take it easy, Donald.

He hardly ever acts like this.

What do you mean,
take it easy? Look!

He made idiots
out of us! Ugh!

Donald, I am sure
no one who matters
watches the 5:00 p.m. news.

Yeah, forget about it.
He was just doing his job.

Sonny, I think we should
go down there
and give a rebuttal.

What do you think, eh?

I mean, I think
it's mandatory.

Well, he's got a right
to his opinion.

Besides, I think
the holdup guy

knows that I saw
his face, yeah.

I know he knows that.

So what? Are you afraid?

Yes.

(TV PLAYING)

All right.
I won't get involved.
That's fine.

MALE VOICE: Great movies
all this week on Channel 6.

Monday, it's Billy Jack .

Tuesday, High Noon .

-And Wednesday, it's
Mr. Smith Goes...
-(DOOR CLOSING)

(DOG BARKING)

(PEOPLE MOANING ON TV)

Good evening, baby.

Hi, Poppy.

How'd it go today?

Did you find a new place
for the station?

No, not yet.

Well, it shouldn't be too hard
to rebuild the old one.

Well, I didn't exactly
tell you the truth

about my relocating,

Candice, I didn't want
you to worry.

Yeah, well, it worked.
I wasn't worried at all.

But you're old enough now
to know what's going on.

Just remember that things
always happen for the best.

Okay?

Now I'm worried.

Well, I...

I didn't say anything
for you to be worried
about yet.

Yeah, I know,
but the last time
that you said

that "things always
happen for the best,"

you and mom
were getting a divorce.

So, what piece of terrific
news do you have now?

Well,

the truth of it is that...

(MOANING)

WOMAN ON TV: Oh, yeah.

What channel
is this, PBS?

PBS. I'm sure.

No, it's a cassette.

When the West was Wet.

Who gave you this?

I, I went by the video arcade
over by the Laundromat,

and, um, they were all
playing these, uh,

well, this guy, uh...

Well, anyway, he was playing
Cosmic Attack

while he was waiting
for his shirts,

and so we started...
We started
to talk and stuff...

And stuff?

Well, Dad, come on.

Cut me some slack.
I mean, he's a nice guy.

Nice guy?

Nice guys don't give
16-year-old girls stag films.

DONALD:
The esteemed
station manager...

Well, it was a tape,
if you don't know.

I don't want you going
near video arcades.

I don't even want you going
near Laundromats.

You're 16-years-old,
for Christ's sake!

And you don't know
the first thing

about life,

about...

The event I'm speaking
of is the attempted robbery

of the Pit Stop Diner,

somewhere in the vicinity
approximately a week ago,

give or take a day.
(CLEARS THROAT)

Oh, my God.

What? What?

Mr. Van Deusen said,
and I quote,

"Crime should be handled
by the police,

"not by hotshots
with dumb luck."

-Who's that guy?
-Shh.

DONALD: I don't think
we're hotshots,

I just think
that we're non-victims.

I know it's the job
of the police to stop crime,

but I think it's the right
of every citizen

to protect himself,

be he male or female,
be he male...

Redundancy is strange,

but I think
you have that right.

Sounds like a real brain.

Why is there crime?

I think the root cause
is criminals.

I mean, for crime to flourish,

there must be, A, criminals,
and, B, victims.

Or maybe, B, victims
and, A, criminals.
I don't know.

But if there were no victims,
there would be no criminals.

Unless of course, criminals
preyed upon other criminals,

ad infinitum, which I don't
think would happen,

but I digress.

I'm speaking strongly
for myself,

not for Mr. Sonny Paluso,

my compatriot, when I say
that I vehemently...

Oh, my God.
He mentioned my name.

Perhaps Mr. Van Deusen
would sing a different tune

if he was forced
to undress at gunpoint

and was wearing no underwear
like my poor friend Sonny.

(METAL CLANKING)

That's just my opinion,
not Mr. Paluso's opinion.

MAN OVER PHONE:
Directory assistance.
Borough, please.

JACK: A listing for
Sonny Paluso, please.

Brooklyn or Queens.
I'm not sure.

MAN OVER PHONE:
How are you spelling that,
please?

JACK: P-A-L-U-S-O.
Paluso.

MAN OVER PHONE: U-S-O?

JACK: Yeah, I guess.
I'm not sure.

MAN OVER PHONE:
Uh, I've got
an S. Paluso.

That's it. That's it.

Could I trouble you
for the address?

He said my name
on television.

Congratulations.

I'm not a hero,
I'm not a hotshot,

I'm just a citizen
who believes

in life, liberty
and the pursuit of happiness

to the best of my ability.

I'd like to say good night
and have a pleasant tomorrow.

(SNORING)

JACK: Hey.

I'm really sorry
to wake you,

but I never kill
a man in his sleep.

(SNORING)

(MOANS)

(MUMBLES)

I'm...

This is one of those
very lifelike dreams.

And I'm in the dream,
knowing it's a dream.

And what I have to do is
wake up and turn on the light.

I wake up
and turn,

JACK: Sorry.

Very sorry.

Nice explanation,
though.

Listen, you don't
wanna kill me.

No, not particularly.
I hadn't made any plans
to kill you.

But I saw your friend
on television, Sonny,

and he's running
that big mouth,

making a circus
out of this whole thing, see?

Well, that's gonna
put pressure on the cops
to come into this.

And you two just identify me,

the cops come and arrest me,

then they stick the fork
in my ass, I'm done.

I told him
not to go on TV.

You think you were upset?
I was upset.

I called him immediately.

I told him
as far as I was concerned,

he was no friend of mine.

I hire this out
to kill people, all right?

Mmm-hmm.

And I'm responsible
for a lot of big,
very big murders.

Unsolved murders.

Remember a certain Labor
leader that just disappeared?
Hmm?

Jimmy Hoffa?

Well...

I'm not here
to list my credits,

but I've made
a pretty good living.

Till the economy
went in the toilet.

Now it's kind of tough
in my racket.

Everybody's wanting a bargain.

Even those rich dudes,
got all the money,

they want me to give
them a deal, see?

I don't make deals
in my business.

I know what you mean.

See, I was raised a very
strict Southern Baptist.

And I place a high value
on human life.

Twenty thousand dollars
minimum.

That's very fair.

Hmm.

You think I wasn't embarrassed
doing armed robbery?

Using that phony accent
in that cafe, huh?

(LAUGHS)

I never been called
a honky mofo before.

Well, what the hell,
I had to be somebody.

Besides, I figured,

-we blame everything
on blacks anyway, don't we?
-Sure.

-So I'm a putz.
-A putz.

(BOTH LAUGH)

You know, when I told you
I didn't have any
underwear on,

and you were pointing
the gun at me,

I felt like a putz too.

(BOTH LAUGH)

-You didn't wanna come
out of them pants, did ya?
-No.

The place was too crowded,
wasn't it?

-(LAUGHING)
-SONNY: Well, I...

Well, listen, Sonny,
I guess I better be
getting home.

See, if I'm gone too long,
the old lady thinks
I have a cat in the bag.

Oh, sure.
Can I get you a cup
of coffee or something

-before you go?
-JACK: No, thanks.

That caffeine makes
me rather quick.

If you don't mind, I would
like to use your pillow there

-to muffle the gunshot.
-(SONNY GASPS)

You're still gonna kill me?

Well, it's business, Sonny.

I mean, I got a family.

(WHIMPERS)
Well, I got a family too.

And there their pictures
are on the wall, there.

One with the freckles,
is that your daughter?

Yeah.

Kind of reminds me
of my oldest daughter
a little bit.

She's a very sweet girl.

Hey.

Is that who I think that is?

Is that Trini Lopez
in that limousine?

-Yeah, that's right.
-Is it?

-That's Trini.
-You're kidding.

-And that's me
and his chauffeur.
-Really?

Yeah, they came
in that day for,
for gasoline

and, and new wipers,
I remember.

Lemon Tree .
Remember Lemon Tree ?
Made a record of that song.

My favorite song he ever made.

Oh, the record,
yeah, I love that song.

Wrote something on there.
What's that Spanish writing?
I can't read it.

Gasolina por la,

Gracias por la gasoline.

Gracias. What does gracias..
"Thanks for pouring gas,"
right? (CHUCKLES)

Yeah, so you figured.

Writes funny, don't he?

(LAUGHING) Yes. (SNIFFLES)

-(COCKS GUN)
-(GASPS)

Back to business.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

-Who is that?
-I don't know.

I swear to God. I don't know.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Swear to God, I...
Get out of bed. Move!

I don't know who that is.

(KNOCKING CONTINUES)

CANDICE: I'm coming!
I'm coming.

-(DOORBELL RINGS)
-(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

CANDICE: Okay, okay,
I'm coming.

DONALD: Hello. Is Sonny here?

You're the guy
from the 5:00 news, right?

Yes, I'm Donald Quinelle.
Thank you.

-Come in.
-Thank you very much.

CANDICE: He's upstairs.

DONALD: I think he must've
seen me on the news

because he left a very unusual
message on my
answering machine

with lots of carnal verbs.

DONALD: I think he's awake
now, I heard him stir.

I think if I just talked
to him, we could work it out.

CANDICE: No, wait a minute.
I wouldn't.

I mean, I woke him up before,
and he got really mad at me.

DONALD: There's no chance
you'd wake him again?

I mean, just tell him
I'm here.
See what he says, okay?

-No way. No way.
-(SIGHS)

I'll give you a dollar.

Dad!

What are you doing out of bed?

You tell your friend
to get in here.

I can't do that.

I said tell your friend
to get in here.

Please, don't ask me
to do that. I can't do that.

He's an idiot,
but I can't double-cross him.
I can't. I won't do it.

JACK: Shut up. Keep quiet!

No, no, uh...
I've...I got to go.

Don't bother waking him.
I better be going.

I'll get back to him tomorrow,
okay? Bye-bye.

CANDICE: He's gone.

I didn't hear the door slam.

Just forgot my hat!

-(BANGS DOOR)
-(MUFFLED) Bye.

All right.

Move, move.

(GASPS)

(HEAVY BREATHING)

Look at that.
You really creamed
that sucker.

(PANTING) Yeah, I did.
Didn't I?

Boy, I didn't know
I had that in me.

I saw my whole life
flash in front of me,
I thought this was it.

Boy, you really hit him hard.

Yeah, yeah.
Boy, I, I thought it was him.

I, I was right there.
I, I heard the voice.
I thought that's him.

Then I heard him say,
"Keep quiet."

I thought, "Oh, my God."
And I ran down there, all of
a sudden, I ran back up...

Then he, then, then,
then he start,

I'm sorry.
I didn't even know I had that.

Is that funny? I don't know.
Is it strange?

And then, and then, Oh, God.
I got this. I got this.

Then I ran back upstairs.
And then all of a sudden,
I got...I thought...

You, you came out.
And so, God, I almost got you.

Then he came out, no, no,
then you came out first.
Then wham!

-(GASPS)
-You know, then I...

Ooh, I felt so...Wham!
(CHUCKLES)

He fell, he dropped
like a sack of potatoes.
And I ran back in. I got this!

I guess I just kind of
improvised. It's...
I guess I have it within me.

That thing that makes me grab
things and wanna hurt things.
And, and, and...I, I, I...

I'm babbling. I'm sorry.

Boy, it felt...And then he...
He...He's...(PANTING)

He's not dead, is he?
Oh, God, no.

I mean,
I didn't hit him too hard?
I'm not covered for that.

It's okay. He's moving.
He's okay. He's alive.

-He's coming to.
-Thank God.

Maybe you better
hit him again.

Oh, no. No, no, you hit him.

No, I can't hit him.
You hit him.

Please.
I don't want to hit him.
You have the technique down.

-I already hit him.
-Just a little tap.

Yeah, okay. Okay.

No, I've got this.
What am I thinking?
I've got this.

There. That's good. Here.
I'll keep him cops, you call
the cover. Come on.

(JACK GROANING)

All right, there we go.

He's moving. You moved!
Hey, don't wait for me, pal.

Just leave it
to the police, okay?

You're history, pal!

MAN ON PHONE:
Hello, police department.

Listen, we have a...

MAN ON PHONE:
All our personnel are busy,
but stay on the line,

and your call will be answered
by the first
available officer.

(NEW YORK, NEW YORK PLAYING)

DONALD: Over here, pal!
Let's...

DONALD: That's it.

Come on.
Wait, hey, hey! Watch it.

Pick your leg up.
All right, come on.

Wait, wait! Ah!

SONNY: Be careful!
Someone'll get hurt!

Ow! Let's go. Let's...

Come on. That's it. Come on.

Right. I'm fine. I'm fine.
Come on. Come on.

Oh, look. The neighbors
are awake. That's it.

Oh, you're going
to the chair, pal.

Then you're gonna get
my dry-cleaning bill.
Get in there, get in there.

I'm fine now. I'm fine.
Everything's cool.
Just start the car.

You all right.
Didn't get hurt?

No, not at all.
That tree's dead, though.

Don't know much
about handlin' automatic
weapons, do you?

Well, I'm handling it,
aren't I?

Well, I wish you'd put
the safety on that thing.

Ooh, you'd like that,
wouldn't you?

-I really would.
-Yeah, I bet.

-It's right there on...
-Hey, put your damn hand down!

Put it down. (LAUGHS)

Don't try that trick on me.
You think you're Mr. Smart.
Well, you met Mr. Smarter.

Honky mofo.

Hey, Donald, would you
please put the safety on?

I mean, in case we stop
suddenly or hit a bump
or something.

Okay, Sonny.
Yeah, right, right.

Now, would you point
the gun in a safe direction?

Donald, for everyone's
sake, will you do it?

Yeah. I am, I am.

All right,
now right in front of...

Shut up! Get on your hands!
Your damn hands!

Excuse me.

Oh, good. That's fine. Okay.

Back in a safe direction.

Now, right in front of that
hammer there is a lever on
the left side of the gun. See?

Push it up. Right thumb.

Okay, great. Now what?

Well, now the gun's on safe.

(PEOPLE TALKING)

(PHONE RINGING)

Mmm. Excuse me, officer.

Have a seat.

-Uh, we have a man...
-Have a seat, okay?

Okay.

We'll just have to
wait a little bit.

Come on!

Listen, he's busy,
and I hate to put you out...

Detective! Detective,
I've just been accosted!

Pardon me, ma'am,
but we were here first.

I was accosted.

In this century?

Let the lady talk, will you!

Everybody calm down, okay?

Mmm-Hmm.

Now, what's
your complaint, ma'am?

I was on my way home from
my friend Alice's apartment.

I went over there to help her.
She's making a sweater
for her son.

He's a big attorney in Denver.

Ah, cut the crap, grandma.
Get to the point!

Donald, stop that!

And as I passed a 7-Eleven,
they started to shout
nasty insults at me.

Officer, I'm not talking
pee-pee, ca-ca.
I'm talking attempted murder.

(OLD LADY SCREAMING)

MAN: He's got a gun!

(GUNS COCKING)

Well, I believe you've got
everybody's attention.

Drop the gun.

(PHONE RINGING)

Officer, I'm not the criminal.
This man is the criminal.
We just brought him in here.

That's true, officer.
We don't want to make
any trouble.

Put it on the desk, scumbag.

Get rid of the gun, Donald.

Officer, my name
is Donald Quinelle.

You know, the ironic thing is,
this isn't even my...

(GAGGING)

Wait a minute, aren't you
the guy on the 5:00 news?

(SQUEAKS) Yeah.

Let him go.

(COUGHING)

You have violated my rights,
not to mention my integrity.

Oh, I think that's whiplash
and attempted asphyxiation.
That's a nice double lawsuit.

You know, you shouldn't go
waving guns around like this.

Officer, that's not my gun,
it's his gun.

It is. That's true, officer.

Uh, well, sir, actually,
the gun belonged to my father.

See, he was killed carrying
that weapon on Iwo Jima.

He threw himself on a grenade.

His commanding officer
sent it to me.

It's all I have to
remember him by. Yes, sir.

While you're at that,
why don't you tell him about

the mule that General Lee gave
your granny at
Gettysburg, hmm?

Officer, this man is slicker
than whale shit
in an ice floe.

Whether you know or not,
you're looking for this man.

Look at him! Doesn't he have
a face like something

in the road company
of Deliverance. Come on now.

Oh, yeah? What'd he do?

Tell young Kojak what he did.

Well, actually, uh,
he's the gentleman who, uh...

Who robbed the diner.

How could you not tell him
that guy was the guy
who killed Hoffa?

That little fact
just escape you?

He could've just been talking.
Let's get out of here.

But it came to the big moment,
he said, "What'd he do?"

Then you said, "He robbed
the diner, that's all."
Zip, doodah, nada.

Like Attila the Hun just
conquered Europe, that's all.
That guy want to kill you!

He could've killed you,
shoved you in
a trash compactor.

You end up as doorstop
for a guy named Vinnie.
"Oh, hey, how you doin'?"

We're still alive, aren't we?

Anyway, the computer
will discover who he is.

And in about 30 years,
when he gets out of jail,

he won't bare us any grudge,
he'll go and kill
the computer.

Oh, God, I had him
right there, I should have
blown him away! God!

And the police,
oh they were great too.
"Put the gun down, scumbag."

And then hotshot!
Oh, God, that pissed me off.

I may be an asshole,
but I'm not a scumbag.

Donald, get in the car.

You're right. I'm...
I'm overreacting. Sorry.

(GRUNTS)

You know something, Sonny?

I really miss that gun.

I've had it with guns
for one night, Donald.

Yeah.

Boy...

(SIGHS)

Can we stop and look here?

You don't know what
guns look like?

We'll browse.
Just a few minutes.

We...Just...We'll just
check it out. Come on, please.

No.

All right. I'll go it alone.

Donald! That light changes,
I'm leaving.

I'll take a cab.

If you're not out here
in 10 minutes, I'll be gone.

Ah, bless you, Sonny.

(PEOPLE TALKING)

Hey, look out.

GUN SALESMAN: It is gonna
happen. Society is gonna bite
the big one.

And like Wes says,
"When the goin' gets tough,
the tough get goin'.

"But the smart money's
gonna head for the hills."

Donald. Donald.

Sonny, can you wait
just a minute?

I want to see what happens
when society bites
the big one.

...magazines and periodicals
throughout this country.

Mister, can I see one of
those magazines?

Oh, sure, partner.

And you know your training fee
can be applied
for the down payment

on a Wes Huntley
deluxe survival hideaway.

GUN SALESMAN 2:
This is a .44 magnum.

-Can I hold it?
-Oh, sure!

-Can I hold that one?
-It's a beauty.

-Oh, yeah.
-Thanks.

This fits in the small
of the back.

Oh, really?
To come up behind someone?

-Well, I, uh...
-Oh, oh! Right, right.
(LAUGHS)

Come on, Donald. Let's go.

I'm just looking, Sonny.

-Well, look fast!
-You got it.

-SALESMAN: That's quite hefty
-I can get used to it.

Can I see one of those?

-Oh, sure.
-Thanks.

Let me check it out for you.

ANNOUNCER (OVER SPEAKER):
Sixty-four.

There you go.

Aboriginal.

Beg your pardon?

This obsession
that people have for guns.

Just like the cowboys.

Uh-huh.

How about that, huh?

Aim it right down the barrel.
Sight right down the barrel.

Oh, boy. I like it.

Can I get a shoulder holster?

Shoulder holster?

-Yeah!
-Sure, they make one.

How about right in there.

See how I got that, huh?
I pulled that out, all right,
didn't I?

It's quite bulky.

You sure you wouldn't want
something a little
more compact?

That little thing
wouldn't kill a flea.

I bet if you saw me
with this, you'd run.
I want one.

-I want one.
-You don't want one.

-Yes, I do.
-No, you don't.

Oh, I have wonderful luck
with my Mace.

Well, sir, you think
you'd like it?

Yes, I would, but what's that?

Maybe we could
go together on a...

Oh, well, uh,
thank you very much,
but I'm allergic to Mace.

-Oh, you poor dear.
-Quite a weapon.

DONALD: Quite a weapon.

Just looking.

(DOOR OPENS)

-(DOOR CLOSES)
-(LOCKS CLICKING)

DOREEN: Donald?

Hon? I'll be right in.
Don't you worry.
I'll be right there.

Where were you?

What?

What time is it?

Oh, it's late,
little buttercup.

Oh, You go right back to bed.
I'll be right there.

-Mmm.
-Come on now. Let's go.

You know I can't fall asleep
again once I wake up.

Not unless we snuggle.

-No, no.
-Come on!

Woo-hoo. Ugh.

(CHUCKLING NERVOUSLY)
Oh, oh, oh.

(CLEARS THROAT)
Something's poking me.

That's the best I could do,
hon, on short notice.

-(BOTH LAUGHING)
-Something's under here.

(CHUCKLING) Oh, make a wish.

What is that?

Looks like
an assault rifle, hon.
Semiautomatic, .308 caliber,

with a, uh, folding stock.

I was going to show it
to you at breakfast, Frizzer.

You spoiled my surprise.

Oh. I've seen that look.
You're mad at me, aren't you?

I'm not mad at you.

Oh, really?

Well, yay! 'Cause you're gonna
love these other
goodies I got.

Little detachable bayonet.
(CHUCKLES)

Look. Ha, hey!
Self-cleaning too.
That's nice. So it won't rust.

Oh, and there's
some other things too.
I got one for you.

It's called a "fem-prod,"
or "the little squealer."

Whoa! Ha-ha. Kind of nice,
a little designer thing.
Goes with any outfit. Black!

I've got another one here.
Look at this.

This is a circumfire
concussion grenade.
You know, boom!

(IMITATES EXPLOSION)
That'd break up any party,
I think.

Okay. Look at these.
These are like little
designer weapons.

Little Chinese throwing stars.
(VOCALIZING)

You can even put 'em
as buttons. And watch how
somebody messes with you...

I shouldn't... Oh, I know.

Oh, and I got two extra clips.
These are fun. Look at that.

This is for if you only want
to fire a medium load.

And this is if you're
really into firing.
Fifty shots.

Oh, wait, wait. This is it.
He threw this in for free.
Look at this.

Looks like a belt buckle,
doesn't it? But, okay...

Surprise! (LAUGHS) Yeah.

Now you're mad at me.

I'm not mad at you.

You've been under
a lot of pressure.

And I know that pressure
can make people do crazy
and impulsive things.

Hon, no. I didn't just
buy these things for me.
I bought them for us.

Especially, I mean,
for you too!

If someone breaks in here,
what are you gonna do?
Stun 'em with your good taste?

I don't think so.
Hon, I, I, I...(STAMMERING)

I bought these things because
there's a need.

I think the world out
there is coming undone like
a cheap suit.

And I think, oh, we have to
be ready for that.
I mean, this may be impulsive,

but it's not crazy.
Not at all. Hardly.

Maybe we should get some rest.
And talk about this tomorrow.

I think you should
read this first.

Look at that, hon.
"Give me two weeks,
and I'll give you a future."

I've enrolled us
in the course.

I want us to fly up to Vermont
for a couple weeks, and,
you know, see how we feel.

And who knows,
we may like it so much,
we may never come back. Huh?

-Are you serious?
-Oh, yes dear. Very much so.

You know. I think
that times are changing
and not for the better.

Oh.

I never thought I'd be
contemplating marriage
to a man who owned

an automatic assault rifle.

It's not automatic, hon,
it's semiautomatic.
Automatic weapons are illegal.

And why are you using the word
"contemplating"?

I just mean, Donald...

You seem so different.

Hey, Frizzer.
I'm no different,
I'm just armed.

Hey. Hey, survival training's
gonna be fun.

Just gonna be like skiing,
except for booby traps.

I don't believe in surviving.
I believe in living.

Come on, Doreen.
Take a chance, come on.

I'm not gonna go.

If you wanna go to this place,
you can, but I'm not gonna
be here when you get back.

Yeah, you will.
'Cause you'll love me more
when I come back.

Yeah, 'cause remember
how I used to be a wimp.

But when I come back,
you're gonna love me even more

because I'm gonna
be a real man.

I love who you are now,
Donald.

Or at least who
I thought you were.

Do...

(DOOR CLOSING)

DONALD: Sonny!

I'm on my way.
Got all my gear in there.

I just thought I'd give you
one last chance to join me.

Sounds wonderful, Donald.
Maybe you can give me pointers
when you get back.

Well, depending on how things
go, I might not come back.

I might buy one of those
survival condos and stay
up there, indefinitely.

Indefinitely? Huh.

Well, just in case you want
to stop by and visit, here's
the address and directions.

There are no phones up there
so you can't call me.

We'll write. We'll tie
messages on birds. (CHUCKLES)

Oh, yeah. Yeah, you're lookin'
at me right now like,

"The lights are on,
but nobody's home."

Nah, hey, come on.
A man's got to
do what a man's got to do.

You know, I never had
a friend like you.

Same here, Donald.

You take care of yourself.

You too, kid.

So I get 47% of the meter
drop plus tips, right?

(VOCALIZING)

WOMAN OVER RADIO:
Car 89, your fare will meet
you in front of the address.

Well...
Looks like we're gonna have
us a little rain.

If it keeps up,
his damp weather.
What do you think?

Let's go.

Take a right.

-You escaped?
-I made bail.

They let you out?

(LAUGHING)

All they had me for
was attempted robbery.

And the computer
didn't work either.

See?

So here we are.

You, temporarily.

Now, I want you to take it
right down this turn,
right here.

Where?

Right up here,
next street there.

Are you gonna start
that shit again?

(TRAIN RUMBLING)

Wait a second.

No, you wait a second.

Take them hands,
put 'em in pockets.

Listen, if the police didn't
link you to the murders,
then nobody knows who you are.

You know who I am, don't you?
Your friend knows who I am.

I didn't say anything
at the police station, did I?

I could've told them who
you were, but I didn't, did I?

Well, I appreciate that.

But I ain't sure about
your friend. I don't know
if his biscuits are all done.

I tell you what. You give up
the idea of killing us,

and we won't say a word
to anybody about your
knocking off...

Uh...Uh...(STAMMERING)

You see?
I already forgot his name.
(LAUGHING)

Why don't we go talk
to your friend?

He went out of town
for a while.
Maybe indefinitely.

Okay, let's call him.

There are no phones up there.

Well, look, I can't
talk to the man,
I can't phone the man.

Tell you what.
I'll give you his address.

I have his address.
I think I do.
I'll give it to you.

Get away from the car.
Come here.

I'll make a deal with you,
Sonny.

If I haven't heard
from your friend in a week...

(TRAIN RUMBLING)
...you're gonna be two of
the deadest sons of bitches

God ever strung
a goat through, you hear me?

Now, my phone number is
555-1727.

And don't call
before 9:00 a.m.

I'm gonna take your car,
I'm sure you don't mind.

My pleasure.

You remember that number.

(MOUTHING)

(SCREAMING)

Look!

Hello.

We're lookin' for somebody,
but we could look
someplace else.

(SPITTING) I knew...
(SPITTING) I knew...(SPITTING)

I knew you'd
change your mind. Huh.

(SPITTING) Feel like
a gynecologist
for a grizzly bear.

Donald?

Hope you like scrambled eggs.

Yeah.
I didn't know you cooked.

Well, I'll whip up something
special now and then.

What else can you whip up?

Powdered coffee, powdered
pancakes, powdered bacon.

Ha, if you were in a hurry,
you could snort breakfast.

I have. Ah, here we go. Mmm.

There. Oh, you'll
get the hang of it real soon.
There, hmm?

Are those done?

Oh, you bet.
What brings you here, huh?

Ah, you're probably fleeing
the "Big Cesspool,"
aren't you?

Yeah, that's what Wes calls
New York, the Big Cesspool.
Kind of a play on words.

You know,
Big Apple, Big Cesspool.

He's a witty guy.

Oh, yeah. Can't wait
for you to meet him.

Well, why are you really here,
Sonny?

Could you excuse us
for a minute, sweetheart?

Do I have to?

Yes. Go in the other room
and watch TV.

I don't have a TV.

How do you exist?

Sweetheart. Go in the other
room and read a magazine,
look out the window,

listen to your headphones.

Okay.

Watch for migrating geese.

And you didn't take
your breakfast.

Feed it
to the migrating geese.

-(SIZZLING)
-Oh.

If you don't turn
the heat off, the eggs clot,
and they turn to powder again.

Saw Jack the other night.

-Jack?
-He's out on bail.

I guess it's like Wes says,
"The only people worse than
lawbreakers are lawmakers."

Donald, I made
a deal with him.

Donald, stop cooking
for a minute and listen to me.
I made a deal with Jack.

We reveal nothing
about what we know,
and he in turn...

...leaves us alone.

But he wants to hear it
from your lips...

...that you'll go along.
What do you say?

Let's go find a phone.

Here, Candice, darling, go get
some change in case
this runs over three minutes.

I tell you something,
I don't think that Jack
really wanted to kill us.

I think that basically,
he's a decent human being.

Jack. Jack, it's Sonny Paluso.

Oh, it's a ten of nine.

Yes, I'm sorry.
You did, and I forgot.

I'm, I'm very sorry.
I'll call you back after.
Please excuse...You sure?

You sure it's okay?
I mean, I don't mind
calling you. You sure?

He's right here. He's very
anxious to talk to you.

Thank you.
Thank you very much.

Hello. Yes, this is
Donald Quinelle.

Yeah, Sonny told me.

Mmm-hmm. Yes.

What do I think?

Well, I think that
I could tell whoever I want,

whatever I want,
whenever I want.

And I don't wanna hear
about what you want.

(LAUGHS) Really?
I think you'd be
the one that would know

your mother in that way.

(CHUCKLING) Well,
you don't scare me.

Matter of fact, you amuse me.

And next time I see you,
I'll try not to laugh
in your little inbred face.

Well, my ass is right here
if you wanna whup it.

Just come on up and try,
and I'll blow you away
like lint.

Tell you what. I'll give you
directions, dipshit. Mmm-hmm.

Well...Yes, indeed.
Can you write?

Is there anyone there
with an education
above the first grade?

Well, you just take
Highway 16.

Yes, that's one
and then five numbers
after it. Great.

Well, you drive fast,
oyster-brain. Yes, indeed.

'Cause the sooner
you get here,

the sooner there'll be
one less wart on
the ass of society.

Well, yeah, fuck you too.
Bye-bye.

(LAUGHS) You feel better?

Absolutely.
He'll be here tomorrow.
Oh, what a relief.

What a weight off my mind.
Thank you, Donald.

No, no, thank you, Sonny.
God, think of it,

it'll be like my final exam.

I mean, going mano-a-mano
with only the victor left
to tell the tale.

Mano-a-mano?
Donald, what did you
say to him?

You leavin' again?

Mmm-hmm.

Is she young?

Who?

Jack, we've been married
too long to play these games.

When you'd leave for days
on end, I never ask...

I wish you
wouldn't start that.

I can't help it.

Last time, you went away
for weeks.

You ever gonna trust me?

I don't care if she's
a stewardess or something.

But if you're in love...

Eddie,

come on, after 17 years,
you know I'm not in love
with anybody else.

Why these sudden trips?
These secretive phone calls
that send you running?

I lie awake,
picturing you with her.

You wanna know?

You really wanna know?
I'm a professional killer.

Oh, come on.

That's right.

Want to know where I've been
the last two weeks?

Been in jail.

Wanna know where I'm goin'?

I'm going to kill two people.

Wanna know why?

Very simple.

See, these two men
can finger me for the death
of Jimmy Hoffa.

Then I'm gonna spend
the rest of my life in jail.

I can't have that shit.

So I'm not out there
committin' adultery.

I'm out there
committin' murder.

Oh, thank God!

It wasn't as if I asked you
to do anything difficult.

A simple phone call,
that's all.

Are you through?

No! He's a
professional killer.

-So am I.
-You are a professional
shit-disturber!

Boy, I can't believe you.

I don't believe you actually
called him a clam-brain!

Oyster-brain.

There are still people
leading normal lives.

Why can't I be
one of those people?

What did I do to end up
with a crazy person

who's dressed up
like an Eskimo terrorist?

Mmm. Now you're attacking
my clothes. Thank you.

What are we gonna do?

We're going stand and fight,
that's what we're gonna do.
And we're gonna win.

And we're gonna walk
tall and fear no man.

No, really.
What are we gonna do?

You wanna meet someone who's
gonna help you stop worrying?

Desperately.

Take a right, up there.

-Mush doggy.
-(DOGS BARKING)

-(GUNSHOT FIRED)
-Stay close to me.
Wes is using live ammunition

in the training today.
So come on.

I'd hate to get killed
before Jack gets here.

I would...I'd hate
to get killed anytime.

I mean if you get killed,
you can't party or anything.
It would really be a drag.

For sure.

(GUNSHOTS FIRED)

Wes says,
"Shoot the radios.

"Because without music,
they lose half
the will to fight."

(GUNSHOTS FIRED)

You won't find
any arrowheads down there.

Come on. Huh.

(DOGS HOWLING)

We each have our own
attack dog-sled team.

They can go anywhere.

If it's real cold, well,
you can sleep with the dogs.

Platonically, of course.

-What does that mean?
-It means he's not
a dog-lover.

Wes actually ate
one of his dogs once.

On purpose?

Yes, he was stranded
without food.

The good thing he said was,
it tasted a little bit
like squirrel.

The sad thing was, well,
Barney was his fastest dog.

Not fast enough.

Wes has really
changed my life.

Now I control my environment,
rather than it controlling me.

If I had to,
I could kill.

I once took this aerobic
dance class once.

It didn't cost me
$5,000 or anything.

But if I had to,
I could jump up into the air
and land in a split.

-No lie.
-You die!

(BOTH SCREAMING)

(BOB GAGGING)
Sorry, Bob. Too early.

-Seen Wes?
-(BOB COUGHING)

Greetings, gentlemen.

Welcome to the
new Middle Ages.

Which there'll be violence
and destruction and savagery

never dreamed of.

But if you are prepared,

this will be a time
to treasure.

For all of you,

you are the kings
of the future.

(MEN MUTTER)

-Get your packs.
-(DOGS HOWLING)

Did you pass out
the Supply Survival catalogs?

Survival Hideaway
brochures?

Thought I didn't pass
those out till you finished

the Kings of the Future
speech.

I finished the "Kings of
the Future" speech, Wiley.

Look alive.
Come on, move.

Please, turn to page three
of your Wes Huntley
Supply Survival catalog.

Gentlemen, as you know,
when the end comes,

there will be no supermarkets,

and there will be
no drugstores...

-Page three.
-But there will always
be mail order.

And this is your bible.

And of course,
the nominal $2 fee

will be refunded on your first
purchase of over 50 bucks.

Listen, this is gonna sound
like a really stupid question,

but, uh, aren't you guys
gonna get really bored
out here

if society doesn't collapse?

I wouldn't worry about that.

Wes says, "Society is heading
for the big flush."

We're gonna be the ones
who are clinging to the rim

-while everything
else goes down.
-Ew.

What'll you do
if things get better?

Is the air
getting better?

-That's true.
-Mmm?

The economy, the Middle East,
arts, literature, television,
U.S. presidents improving?

Anyone can nitpick.

Sonny, name one thing
that's gotten better
in the last 10 years.

See?

Video games.

Video games,
there you are.

All right,
I acknowledge that.

But you have
to admit society's
eventually gonna deteriorate.

Yeah, but hiding up here
in the hills, it seems so...
So un-American.

We won't stay here forever.

-No?
-No, no.

See, when the shit
hits the fan, pardon me,

we're gonna come down
and take over.

Now, you can't get any more
American than that, can you?

Sonny,

see that black attache
case over there
that man's carrying?

In that attache case
are Wes' plans for the
restructuring of society.

Boy, think about that.
A whole new society.

(CHUCKLES)
And we could be part of it.

Doesn't it make
your sphincter tingle?

"Sphincter tingle."

That's not words
that came to mind.

I want you to meet Wes,
we'll tell him about Jack.

Now wait a minute.
We gotta tell him about Jack

because then
everybody can prepare
for the same thing.

It'll be like
a homecoming, come on.

We'll make him
something special.

Maybe we shouldn't.

Maybe we should keep this
between us and Jack.

You know, mano a mano.

If we tell Wes, he'll probably
want to get a mano
in there too.

That'll spoil it,
you're right.

That's the way John Wayne
would've done it.

Damn straight.
Fuckin' A. Pardon me.

Let's go.
Let's go meet Wes right now.

I think we'll do that,
but let's go see
Wes right now.

Well, all right,
I tell you what we do.

Tomorrow morning,
we get up real early,

zip over, meet Wes,
maybe take a little stroll,

then in the afternoon,
when Jack comes,
we finish him off,

grab an early dinner...

-Make a day of it.
-Exactly.

Fantastic.

Well, huh. Oh, God.
Does this make you realize
that men have nipples too?

(SIGHS) What do you mean?

You know, Wes said
some other things,
you know?

-Nipples?
-Nipples.

Hello, Jack.
How've you been?

Bang!

Whew. (SIGHS)

Sure, Jack,
we can talk.

Talk this! (LOUDLY)

(CHUCKLES)

Ah, Jack.
I admire a man, Jack,

who can go one-on-one
with me, because, oh!
Oh, you cheat!

Oh, my leg.
Hey, Jack!
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

Whoa! Ha! Ah!

Too bad you're wearing
that Teflon vest.

Well, I guess
you've got me, Jack.

Not really! Bam!

Oh, now for the mercy kill.
Ciao, baby.

Pow!

Hey.

Pardon me?

Let's get out of here.
Let's pack.

Hey, pack this.

Donald.

You're gonna force me
to do something
I didn't wanna do.

What's that, old man?
Ah!

(SCREAMS)

(DONALD GRUNTING)

You see, I'm a master
of hand-to-hand combat.

-Oh.
-Yeah.

Well...

(GROANING)

Sorry, Donsy.
Now you're packed.

(DOGS HOWLING)

-Okay.
-Right.

WES (IN DISTANCE):
Are you looking
at the stream?

Quick. Let's get him
out of sight.

Faster, Wiley, faster!

The number-three
dog is limping.

-He looks like
he's limping to me.
-(THUD)

I think there's
something in his paw.

(DOGS BARKING)

Knock it off, already.

-Howdy.
-Don Quinelle around?

-He's out.
-Totally.

You a friend
of Don's?

Yes. I'm Sonny Paluso.
This is my daughter, Candice.

(KISSES)

Such lovely skin.

Her skin is only
16 years old, sir.

I have some business
to discuss with Don.

I'll probably see him
at the morning looter class.

We're not gonna be here.

Uh, Candice and I
won't be here.

We just dropped in
for the day.

We're on our way back
to the big cesspool.

Oh, I'm afraid not.
I've ordered
the whole area closed.

There's no way
in or out till dawn.

Oh, that's good. That's good.
We'll sleep a lot
better knowing that.

Doreen.

You have a nice
night, Candice.

Thank you, sir.
You too.

Here, Lucky! Here, boy!

Mush!

MAN ON RADIO: WXIW weather.

Intermittent snow flurries.

Okay, now,
let's do it once more.

What are you gonna say to Jack
when he comes?

I'm gonna say...

"I go along
with the deal."

Mmm.

Then I say,

"Doesn't matter
what happened before,

it's just between
him and the police.

That's nice.

And I'm gonna say,
"I'm sorry,

"but I'm gonna have
to blow a large hole
in your skeevy heart."

Skeevy heart.

Yeah.

That's an expression
you learned from Wes.

Yes.

Wes says the only way
to meet an attack is
with a vicious counterattack.

If I don't get any sleep,
I'm not gonna be very vicious.

Mmm-hmm.

And to you,
Wes is a god, right?

No. Just an ordinary man.

A little ahead of his time,
but just a man.

Wes is
an asshole.

Blasphemy!
You'll smoke a turd
in hell for that!

Now, Wes says,
"Your gun is your friend."

Oh, yes.
Yes, I love my gun.

-Here is your gun.
-Oh!

Show me how
you're going to use it
when Jack gets here.

Give it to me. Give it.
(SCREAMS)

(GROANING)

Or maybe you'd like
to use your friend,
the knife.

No! Ow! Shit! Oh! Oh!

Perhaps when Jack comes in,
you'd prefer to make him
some nice pancakes.

No! No! No!

Yes! Oh, yes!
Oh. Oh.

This is a lot like
how I gave up smoking.

-Hmm. (SIGHS)
-All right.

Now, let's go
through it once more.

What are you gonna say
when Jack comes?

"Hi, Jack.
Want some pancakes?"

Mmm-hmm.

(WIND HOWLING)

(GRUNTING)

(KNIFE CUTTING)

Yes. Hey, Sport.

Off with that thing.
Big day. Come on.
Shh! Shh!

Come on out. Come on.
Come on.

There we go. Yes, yes.

Yes, today
we go to victory.

(CHUCKLES) Yes.

Here we go.
Okay, there we are.

Okay, sorry.

(CHUCKLES)
If you do this well,
you'll be leader of the pack.

-(GUNSHOTS FIRED)
-Industry is dead!

The bread lines
are forming!

America is bankrupt!

The future is anarchy!
Be alert!

The have-nots
will soon be coming
after those of us

who were smart enough
to prepare for the final
and inevitable end.

Looting may occur
any day or night.

So use your eyes.
And your ears!

Move out! Move out!

Wasn't Donald
Quinelle signed up
for the looter course?

Yes, he paid the fee.

(HUMMING WAGNER'S
RIDE OF THE VALKYRIES)

Ah... Oh, God,
I love the smell
of malamute in the morning!

(CONTINUES HUMMING WAGNER'S
RIDE OF THE VALKYRIES)

(DOGS BARKING)

He's chewed through the ropes.

He's more primitive
than I thought.

Mmm, no more for me, thanks.

Candice! You only
had to watch him for minutes!

I did.

CANDICE: Where is he?

God knows.
He's not as dumb as I thought.

Well, he has to be
around here somewhere.

Because I had my eye
on him the whole time.

Candice, you fell asleep.

I didn't. I swear. I...

Look, here's what happened.
I was...I was...
You were asleep.

I was sitting here,
I was wide awake,
and he was asleep.

And I was awake,
watching him, and...

Well, I think
he released this gas.

And he must've had it
in his shoes,

and released it
with his toes because...

Candice.

(SIGHS)

Okay, I'm not sure
about the gas,

but what happened was...umm...

All right, I fell asleep.
I'm sorry. You know.
I messed up. Okay?

You hate me, right?

You just sit here,
ya understand?

And don't open the door.

Not to anybody.

Okay?

Where's Don?

Don, he had to leave
in a hurry.

Something's not kosher
in Denmark.

Somebody's gonna
tell me what the H
is going on around here.

I know something's wrong.
I can smell it like a dog.

Well, you are what you eat.
(CHUCKLES)

What's this all about?

I was making a sweater.

-(PATTING)
-What have you done
with Donald?

Mush! Mush!

(DOGS BARKING)

Yo! Yo!

Yo!

Oh, shit!

(GUNSHOT FIRED)

No! Not now!

Dogs don't chicken out!
Stay! Stay!

Goddamn it!

What's wrong, your gun jam?
Mr. Honky Mofo!

(GUNSHOTS CONTINUE)

Hah!

(GRUNTS) Whoa!

(GRUNTS)

(SCREAMS)

Oh, shit!

My God, that's sick.

(GRUNTS)

What kind of man
gives cigarettes to trees?

Come on out and fight!

Listen! Now, I don't wanna
have to kill you!

You don't wanna
(COUGHING)

(CHUCKLES)

Ah!

You're not gonna
certainly kill me

the slow way by leaving
cigarettes in trees!

(GRUNTS)

You wanna try and kill me?

Well, Mr. Honky Mofo.

Take your best shot!

Ah! Oh! Oh!

It's the same arm! Ah!

I'm...I'm...
It's too cold.

It's too cold.
Obviously, my arm's frozen.
That's why I'm not bleeding.

Oh, God.

(LAUGHING)

(KISSES)

Men.

I'm afraid I'm gonna
have to ask you
to do something

I haven't
fully trained you for.

I'm gonna have
to ask you to kill.

What did he say?

Don't be intimidated, men.

I'm merely speaking of some
simple, scum-sucking vermin.

All right.

Now, this may not be
the hordes of starving
city vermin

that we've been hoping for,

but these days,
you have to take
what you can get.

Sorry, Wes.

Go ahead.

You will be up against
a professional killer.

Now, this is us!

And the vermin
could be anywhere
on this road,

or he could be in the luxury
survival residence

of our own
Donald Quinelle.

We are going to be here.

And we are going to be here.

And the command post
will be here.

And the special
squad will surround
the command post.

Now, those of you
with weapons

that have been modified
to fire full auto...

Excuse me, are you...

Are you saying you want us
to actually shoot
a real person?

Well, that's what
you're being trained
for here, son, isn't it?

Will this cost extra?

(GUNSHOTS FIRED)

You shot my gun, God damn it!

You're not supposed to shoot
a person's gun!

Oh, God, that pisses me off!

You know how much
one of these costs?

You think you got me,
don't you?

Well, this one has your name
and address on it!

(CHUCKLES)

(COCKS GUN)

Oh...

Jack?

Yeah?

Time out, okay?

What?

Time out.

You won't believe this...

But I brought
the wrong bullets.

Is that right?

Yeah.

This morning, I was in a hurry
to get out of the cabin

and, well,
I brought the wrong ammo.

Silly me.

Uh, it's a mistake
anybody could make.

So, what do you want me to do?

You want me to
hang around here
and make a few snowballs?

While you go back
and get some bullets
to shoot at me?

Would you mind?

I'll be right back.
It'll just
take a minute, okay?

Yeah, you go right ahead!

Oh, bless you.
I knew you were church people.

Liar!

-(DOGS WHIMPER)
-Mush!

Shit!

Men.

-Follow me.
-(CHEERING)

Donald!

You idiot, you're gonna
get us all killed!

-(DOGS WHINING)
-Where the hell are you?

Hyah! Hyah! Hyah!

No, no! Wait!
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Donald! Donald!

Sonny, what the hell are you
doing here?

Donald, you're alive!
What happened? Where's Jack?

Unfortunately, he's alive too.
Now, come on. Get on, damn it!

Move it. On it. Yeah. Easy.

Hike! Hyah! Hyah!
Ho, yeah! Mush!

DONALD: (TALKING VERY FAST)
I emptied the whole clip.

I put more bullets in,
I put more bullets in.

I realize 38. caliber,
38. caliber!
They don't fit 48. caliber.

That's why I'm here.
That's why I'm here.

I need ammunition.
Help me! Check in! Check in!

-CANDICE: Where? Where?
-DONALD: Over there!

Oh, you made me slap
my own hand! Damn it.

Why am I wearing
all this stuff?
I don't need this.

I'm gonna strip down
for combat efficiency.

He shot my gun.
Oh, he ruined my gun.
That's a $1,000.00 gun.

Are these them?

I need .45s.
Those are long and thin.

I need .45 caliber,
which are short and fat.

-Short and fat.
-Short and fat. Okay.

You got it.
You're checking in.

God bless you for staying
with me on that point.

You're not going anyplace.
I'm gonna stand right here.

And you and your fat,
short bullets are not
getting past me.

You understand?

We're alive.
Let's keep it that way.

Candice, quit helping.

Listen. I didn't ask you
to come up here and save me
in the first place.

I didn't come up here
to save you.
I came up here to save myself.

-Really?
-Yeah.

Oh. Well, I...

...guess it's like what
Wes says.

"When it comes down to it,
it's every man for himself.

"No man is an island,

"and some men are peninsulas."

-What?
-Listen, I don't want you
to die either.

Oh, don't try
and kiss my ass now, Sonny.

You're a friend of mine.

Too late for that.

Okay, Jack,
let's talk this over.

Sonny, I'm not
interested in talking.

There's somebody
trying to kill me.

I were you, I would get away
from that window. Come on!

(GLASS SHATTERING)

Can't anyone just
look out a window
without breaking the glass?

Come on. I don't even have
this house paid for yet.

(COCKS GUN)

All right, white platoon.
I want you to get across
the front of that house,

lay down a perimeter of fire.

Wes, I can't go into battle
wearing this.

-How am I gonna walk?
-...Protect his command post.

-How am I gonna reload?
-I'm gonna fire right here.

How am I going to move
with cat-like swiftness?

Just guard the briefcase,
Wiley. It holds the future.
You got my gloves?

WES: Throw out your weapons
and come out!

(LAUGHS) How do you feel now,
Mr. Big Shot Gun-For-Hire?

Those are my people out there.

One of you fire
a warning shot. Let 'em know
we mean business.

(GUNS FIRING RAPIDLY)

(GLASS SHATTERING)

Guess my friends are a tad
trigger-happy.

Donald, get out there
and tell them
we're coming out.

What's all this "we" shit?
I ain't about to go out there.

I can't go out there,
I mean...

How would it look
if I went out,
and he's still alive?

Well, if you think I'm gonna
let you shoot me

so you look good
for your friends out there,
brother, you crazy.

Chicken shit!

Stop your bickering
and figure out
something to do.

I will count to five,
at which time, if you have
not surrendered,

I will give the command
to open fire.

But, he tried to kill me.

Who shot at who first?

Well, I didn't put a hole
in your jacket like this one.
Look at that!

One...

Who tried to
make a deal, huh? Me!

And then who starts
shootin' up the trees?

-Me!
-Yeah, you!

Well, I was nervous.

Two...

What about me?

Oh, come off it, man.
You're so cool,
you piss ice cubes.

Check your weapons.

JACK: It's a hereditary thing
in my family, you know.
Uh, nerves, colitis...

Colitis, that must be horrible
being a professional killer
with colitis.

-Yeah, that's what I...
-They must hear you coming,
don't they.

Three...

These things are wonderful,
you gonna love it.
Have a Rolaids!

(DONALD LAUGHS)

Yeah, hurry up.
I need one of them.

-Oh, God.
-Yeah.

-Oh, God. How do you...
-Want a Rolaid?

I got some Valium,
if you want a Valium.
I got some...

Take aim...

It's okay.
You can all go home,
everything's under control.

Thank you very much.
Thanks for coming.
We don't need you.

Send out the vermin!

This can all be settled
peacefully, thank you.

No, it can't.
Send him out, or we open fire.

(DOGS WHINING)

What's the matter
with you people?

All of a sudden, everybody
wants to shoot everybody.

You guys have been hanging
around up here too long.

You're waiting...
No, hoping for this country
to fall apart.

You got paper targets
that look like real people
that you're shooting at.

So you can kill with
no more thought than putting
a hole in a piece of paper.

Are you guys insane, or what?

Why don't you just knock
each other off right now?

You can start with me first,
because if that's what this
country is coming to,

if you guys are the future,
then I don't want
to be here see it.

(COCKS GUN)

Stand by.
This could be a trick.

"As our beloved general
Douglas MacArthur once said,

"'The soldier,
above all other people,

"'prays for peace.

"'For he must suffer
and bear the deepest wounds
and scars of war.

"'The soldier is the noblest
development of mankind

"'but no brute instinct
can take the place
of divine help.'"

Horseshit.

(GUNS COCKING)

(DOGS WHINING)

-Dad.
-Not now. Go back.

(SHOUTING) This scumbag's
gonna die! He's gonna die!

What the hell are you doing?

I got the drop
on this varmint!
That's what I'm doing!

(QUIETLY) Go to the car.
Now! Do it!

(SHOUTING) Get out of here,
old man! Take that little
hippie girl with you!

Know what's wrong with you,
Sonny? You're meek!

And the meek are gonna inherit
the earth, all right.

To the depth of six feet!

I'm gonna blow his mind!

He's gonna be bloody!

He's gonna be one
steamin' hunk of goo!

I'm gonna tear his ears off
and hang 'em over
my rearview mirror,

like a couple of furry dice.

And then I'll put his eyes
where his ears were,

so he can see when I clap.

You were always
my favorite, Donald.

And then a bowtie out of
his intestines!

Talk softer, Donald.

Maybe we should turn him over
to the authorities, you know?
Be very good publicity.

No! No, he's mine!

-Please, turn me over...
-Shut up!

No. You're gonna crawl,
sleaze bag!

You're gonna die
like a whimpering dog
in the dirt.

(DOG BARKING)

-Well, like a whimpering cat
in the dirt!
-(DOG BARKS)

Move it! Move it! Move it.

What the hell are you doing?

We wanna watch.

(TROOPS CHEERING)

No! It's a private thing.

Between him and me.

Mano-a-mano.

It's the way John Wayne
would've done it.

(TROOPS CHEERING)

You know, he's right. Here.

You'll need this.

If you need help,
we'll be here.

Bless you, Wes.
(SHOUTING) Move it, dickhead!

-(WHIMPERS)
-Come on, haul it.

-You're gonna die like a man.
Or facsimile of a man!
-No, please no!

(JACK SCREAMING)

Well, this is where
we're supposed to meet them.

At least, I think this is
where we're supposed
to meet them.

Did Donald come up
with this plan?

Yeah.

Then it doesn't make
any difference where we wait.
It's not gonna work.

DONALD (OVER RADIO):
This is Don. Over.

We read you.
Do you need assistance? Over.

Uh, negative.
I wish you could be here.
Up off your knees, slime mold!

(IMITATES STATIC) I'm about,
uh, 200...Uh, from the...

Uh, follow the trail
of blood to the...
Uh, large pine...My knife...

(IMITATES STATIC)

I'm...Now I'm...

JACK: No, don't!

-Yeah, he's begging for mercy.
-Please! No! No!

-No, no, no!
-(IMITATES STATIC) Over.

I'm now taking... (SCREAMS)

(GURGLING)

His tongue is in my hand!

-His tongue is in his hand?
Ugh!
-(SCREAMING)

Where'd you say
his tongue was?

-(GUNSHOTS)
-JACK: Oh! Aah!

-(GUNSHOTS CONTINUE)
-Aah, aah!

DONALD: Geez!
Missed completely.

That sounded like a car door.

Don. Come in, Don.

And now, from the stage
of the Grand Ole Opry,

it's Bill Monroe
and His Bluegrass Boys,
singing,

Wes, Stick It
Where The Sun Don't Shine!

(CAR TIRES SQUEALING)

(ALL CLAMORING)

WES: Get that sucker! Come on!

To the sleds!
I want him alive!
Get the bastards!

I want 'em back.

JACK: Will you just let go?

-SONNY: Let me drive.
-What's the matter
with my driving?

Driving like a trout
out of water with,
with diarrhea.

Don't start, Sonny,
don't start.

WES (OVER RADIO):
Wiley, move your mutts!

Every man, every weapon,
follow me!

Hey, this is great!
Look at that!

CANDICE: Whoa!
Those dogs are fast!

Don't worry about the dogs.

Ain't a dog alive, catch an
American car made before
the catalytic converter.

Come on! Let's go!

(SCREAMING)

You think it's possible
you were a little wide
on that turn?

-I smell gas. Excuse me!
-CANDICE: My head!

Excuse me, I'd like
to get out now, if I could.

I think I'd like to get
out of the car.
I don't wanna die!

Gotta get out.
I was gonna go in a plane!
Let me out of the damn car!

Good. This'll be like shooting
fish in a barrel.

Now we open fire, right?

No, we wait for
the support team, Wiley.

I'll show you how to...

Would you move?
See, that's why
I don't buy American cars.

They ain't worth a shit!

Everybody out of the car.

(DOGS BARKING)

Everybody back in the car.

Boy, they sure put one
over on us.

I'll bet this is the last time
anybody makes you
look like a dork.

Move over there.
I'm takin' over. I'm driving.

Not doing anything.
They're just taunting us.

Move it, Sonny! Move it! Oh!

You're moving!
You're moving, Sonny!
You're free! You're free!

Keep going! Keep going!
You're free!

You're stuck!

Well, that does it for me.

They're sneaking away.
Fire a warning shot. Just one.

Check.

Listen, you wanna
give me a hand?

-Well, maybe I...Ah!
-(GUNSHOT)

-Wait a minute! Don't shoot!
-Shit!

I'm telling you,
those guys are morons.

They're well-armed morons.

You, know, this is one
of the neatest times
we have ever had!

(DOGS HOWLING)

JACK: Don't shoot.
They're too far.

-Close enough to shoot at us.
-Get down!

Now, listen. When I go
around...from the back, see...

Huh? Hold it! Wait a minute!

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Move out! And take them alive!

We'll break you!

-Where you going?
-Queens Boulevard.

What about them?

(SIGHS)

Okay.

A medal for the man
who gets them!

And then you graduate now.
The taste of victory!

Keep moving, men!
Move out, forget the old fart!

For Christ sakes, Wiley,
why are the dogs
chasing the car?

These dogs aren't listening!

CANDICE: Way to go!
You're freaking 'em out.

Hold on!

Watch out!

Damn son of...

Wiley!

(CHEERING)

Wiley, calm down!

Oh, shit!

WILEY: Stop!
Stand where you are, men.
Nobody move!

Don't touch anything! Freeze!

The future depends
on these documents, men.

Now, do not read that.
You wouldn't understand it.
Here, give me that.

You wouldn't understand it.
Oh, thank you. I got it.

Yes, good.

These are the plans for
the reorganization of society
after the collapse?

May I have those, please?

That piece of paper says you
own a Mini Pearl takeout
franchise in Detroit.

It's great chicken, kid.

New York City municipal bonds
due in the year 2025?

I love the Broadway theater.

You've got, what, 5,000 shares
in United States Steel?
Christmas club accounts?

Wes, three books
of S and H Green Stamps.

I can explain that, Wiley.

And an S and H Green Stamp
catalog

with a circle around
an outdoor barbecue
for 20 books.

All right!

All right. Listen.

I believe in America.

I'm just a simple businessman.

That's all it's about,
isn't it? Capitalism?

Making the most
of an opportunity.
You know what I mean?

MAN 1: I want my money back.

ALL: Yeah!

There are no refunds.

MAN 2: I got my receipt.

But, I could make each one
of you a partner in
a mini-mart in Pittsburgh!

(MEN JEERING)

Forget it.

Wait!

(SHRIEKING) I think
I got to go now.

(MEN SHOUTING)

You know, you really got to
hand it to that guy.

I mean, the economy's
in the toilet,
and he's making a bundle!

(LAUGHING)

I guess I have to find some
other sucker to buy my cabin.
(LAUGHS)

You don't have to worry
about that.

You don't own the land.

According to this, Wes has
a two year lease on the land
from the Iroquois Indians.

(WHINING) Oh, God!

I'll bet the Indians,
they're having some laughs
about this. (WHIMPERING)

Say, listen, I hope this isn't
a personal question, but, uh,
where did you put Jimmy Hoffa?

It was a hype. Mmm-hmm.
(CHUCKLES)

What, you injected him
with something or something?

No, honey. I didn't kill him.
I mean, nobody else
took credit for it.

I figured it'd do wonders
for my reputation. I mean,
you know, how it is.

You didn't kill Jimmy Hoffa?

Well, no, I didn't even
know the man.

You kiddin'?

Well, I figure they gonna
catch up with me
sooner or later

on a lot of this other stuff
I did, so...
I ain't gonna worry about it.

I have tremendous faith in our
American system of justice.
(LAUGHS)

Could we pull the car over?

I'd like to get some air.

Maybe you'd better pull over.

Donald, where you going?

There's air over there
by the car.
It's just the same air.

What's the matter? Did you get
sick riding in the back?

I always get sick
riding in the back.

I don't know where I'm going.

North, I think you're heading
directly north.

I don't know what's
real anymore, Sonny.

Real? These are real trees,
real snow, it's real cold.

I used to be on my way up
in the world.

Now I look like I'm on my way
to a Veteran's Day
parade in Nome.

(CHUCKLING) I'm not
going anywhere.

I know what you need.

A good meal.
Some hot, solid food.
Beef stew.

Let's get in the car,
we'll go back, we'll find
a nice little diner, uh?

I can't go anywhere
dressed like this.

I look like a guardian Eskimo.
Sheesh. (HUFFING)

I don't have a job. (CHUCKLES)

I don't have any money.
I don't have
any place to live.

I don't even have
Doreen anymore.

Donald, you could
get pneumonia.

At least that's something.

Are you nuts?

Yes. Yes. (UNZIPPING ZIPPER)
Ha-ha. Ah.

I think I am. (CHUCKLES) Yeah.

You know, it's not that bad.

Donald, you're gonna freeze.

Yeah. (CHUCKLING)

You're right. I'm freezing.

What do I do now, Sonny?

Well, the first thing
you're gonna do
is you're gonna take my coat.

No, no, then you'll freeze.

That's okay.
We'll freeze together.

(LAUGHING)

Thanks.

Hey.

Oh, thanks.

You're welcome.

Tell me things
are gonna work out, Sonny.

Everything's gonna work out.

Yeah. Yeah. Boy!

It's been a strange winter,
hasn't it?

Not really.