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1
00:00:01,305 --> 00:00:03,525
♪♪
2
00:00:03,655 --> 00:00:07,094
The perfect Thanksgiving
leftover sandwich --
3
00:00:07,224 --> 00:00:10,967
turkey, cranberry sauce,
pumpkin pie,
4
00:00:11,098 --> 00:00:13,056
Tuttle's famous baba ghanoush,
5
00:00:13,187 --> 00:00:17,147
and a nice, big splash
of the after-dinner sambuca.
6
00:00:18,148 --> 00:00:19,149
[squish]
7
00:00:20,498 --> 00:00:21,499
[grunting]
8
00:00:21,630 --> 00:00:24,024
Thanksgiving is over, Francine.
9
00:00:24,154 --> 00:00:26,330
We can't live in the past.
10
00:00:26,461 --> 00:00:29,333
The Christmas season
has now begun.
11
00:00:31,031 --> 00:00:32,380
The Smiths have only ever had
12
00:00:32,510 --> 00:00:35,035
very bad, very weird
Christmases.
13
00:00:35,165 --> 00:00:37,776
So this year, it's imperative
that we finally have
14
00:00:37,907 --> 00:00:41,215
the perfect Norman Rockwell
holiday season.
15
00:00:42,346 --> 00:00:44,522
Oh, no, no.
Th-This isn't right at all.
16
00:00:44,653 --> 00:00:47,177
Hayley, why aren't
your cheeks rosier?
17
00:00:47,308 --> 00:00:48,961
Hey, cut it out!
18
00:00:49,092 --> 00:00:53,401
And, Steve, this sweater is
supposed to warm my icy heart?
19
00:00:53,531 --> 00:00:56,839
It's one of those ironic
ugly Christmas sweaters, see?
20
00:00:56,969 --> 00:00:58,754
It's kitschy.
It's fun.
21
00:00:58,884 --> 00:01:00,843
Well, excuse me, John Waters,
22
00:01:00,973 --> 00:01:03,759
but there's no room for irony
in our perfect Christmas.
23
00:01:03,889 --> 00:01:05,065
Geez, okay,
24
00:01:05,195 --> 00:01:07,067
I'll dig into my Jaclyn Smiths.
25
00:01:07,197 --> 00:01:08,851
Why aren't all your shoes on?
26
00:01:08,981 --> 00:01:10,655
We need to be heading out
for the Christmas tree lighting
27
00:01:10,679 --> 00:01:12,072
at the Langley
in like two minutes!
28
00:01:12,202 --> 00:01:13,203
What's the Langley?
29
00:01:13,334 --> 00:01:14,944
Oh, my God,
tell me you're kidding!
30
00:01:15,075 --> 00:01:16,772
I'm crawling into
the goddamn fire.
31
00:01:16,902 --> 00:01:20,080
The Langley is the upscale
outdoor mall they built
32
00:01:20,210 --> 00:01:24,388
where the stupid old [nasally]
eh, public library used to be.
33
00:01:24,519 --> 00:01:27,217
The Langley?
Super swank.
34
00:01:27,348 --> 00:01:30,090
Victoria Beckham bought a condo
there but has never visited.
35
00:01:30,220 --> 00:01:33,005
Klaus, why aren't you warming
upthe car like I told you?
36
00:01:33,136 --> 00:01:35,443
I'm texting with my brother
from another mother Jurgen
37
00:01:35,573 --> 00:01:37,793
right now,
and he's freaking out.
38
00:01:37,923 --> 00:01:40,100
Some blackmailers
hacked his webcam,
39
00:01:40,230 --> 00:01:42,667
and he didn't pay up,
so they sent a video of him
40
00:01:42,798 --> 00:01:45,801
cranking it
to his entire contact list.
41
00:01:45,931 --> 00:01:48,978
Now everyone's calling him
Jerkin' Jurgen.
42
00:01:49,109 --> 00:01:50,371
This is not appropriate
43
00:01:50,501 --> 00:01:52,416
Norman Rockwell-like
Christmas talk.
44
00:01:52,547 --> 00:01:55,245
I saw that video,
and I think it's actually
45
00:01:55,376 --> 00:01:56,246
gonna be good for him.
46
00:01:56,377 --> 00:01:58,379
Dude's got a monster hog.
47
00:01:58,509 --> 00:02:01,121
Yeah, but he's got
those tiny little balls.
48
00:02:01,251 --> 00:02:03,210
Hey, I got time to blast
a shit real quick?
49
00:02:03,340 --> 00:02:04,385
Norman Rockwell!
50
00:02:04,515 --> 00:02:05,995
♪♪
51
00:02:06,126 --> 00:02:09,390
♪ Good morning, USA ♪
52
00:02:09,520 --> 00:02:12,349
♪♪
53
00:02:12,480 --> 00:02:16,397
Now, tell me, does this place
do Christmas right or what?
54
00:02:16,527 --> 00:02:18,834
And look, they even have
an actual polar bear
55
00:02:18,964 --> 00:02:20,227
at Santa's workshop.
56
00:02:20,357 --> 00:02:23,491
[bear growling, baby screaming]
57
00:02:23,621 --> 00:02:27,234
But lest we forget,
who's that special man
58
00:02:27,364 --> 00:02:28,583
the good Lord sent to Earth?
59
00:02:28,713 --> 00:02:30,106
Who's the reason
we have all this
60
00:02:30,237 --> 00:02:31,934
Christmas splendor to enjoy?
61
00:02:32,108 --> 00:02:35,285
TOGETHER: Visionary
mall developer Vic Mancuso.
62
00:02:35,416 --> 00:02:36,286
That's right.
63
00:02:36,417 --> 00:02:37,461
And there he is now!
64
00:02:37,592 --> 00:02:38,810
[cheers and applause]
65
00:02:39,071 --> 00:02:42,162
An angel of a man in front
of a behemoth of a tree.
66
00:02:42,292 --> 00:02:46,253
[whistles]
Norway spruce, 163 feet tall,
67
00:02:46,383 --> 00:02:50,213
secured in place by over
6,000 total feet of 200K-PSI
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00:02:50,344 --> 00:02:52,302
reinforced steel tension wire.
69
00:02:52,433 --> 00:02:53,477
How do you know all that?
70
00:02:53,608 --> 00:02:54,826
Just eyeballin' it.
71
00:02:55,044 --> 00:02:57,220
Well, since we seem to have
found our spot here,
72
00:02:57,351 --> 00:02:59,285
I just have a quick errand
I need to take care of.
73
00:02:59,309 --> 00:03:00,484
Yeah, you do.
74
00:03:00,658 --> 00:03:02,399
Getting hot chocolates
for the whole family.
75
00:03:02,530 --> 00:03:03,183
What?!
No, I really --
76
00:03:03,313 --> 00:03:04,532
"No" nothing.
77
00:03:04,662 --> 00:03:07,187
Four piping-hot cocoas
to hold like this --
78
00:03:07,317 --> 00:03:08,710
Mmmmm.
79
00:03:08,840 --> 00:03:10,625
[slurps, smacks lips]
80
00:03:10,755 --> 00:03:13,410
Ahh!
Tastes like Christmas.
81
00:03:13,541 --> 00:03:14,846
Well, I was actually
hoping to --
82
00:03:14,977 --> 00:03:16,152
Get some caramel corn?
83
00:03:16,283 --> 00:03:17,608
Great! 'Cause that's what
you're doing.
84
00:03:17,632 --> 00:03:19,982
And, Francine, you're going
to Santa's workshop
85
00:03:20,112 --> 00:03:21,912
to ask the Santa there
if he'd like to join us
86
00:03:22,027 --> 00:03:23,246
to watch the tree lighting.
87
00:03:23,377 --> 00:03:25,509
Long shot, maybe,
but what if -- if he says yes?
88
00:03:25,640 --> 00:03:27,642
-Listen, Stan --
-No, you listen!
89
00:03:27,772 --> 00:03:30,297
Today is the kickoff to
the entire Christmas season,
90
00:03:30,427 --> 00:03:33,430
and we only have one chance
to make it absolutely perfect.
91
00:03:33,561 --> 00:03:35,911
So could you slap-dicks
just do one thing each
92
00:03:36,041 --> 00:03:37,105
to help me make that happen?
93
00:03:37,129 --> 00:03:38,174
Now go!
94
00:03:41,090 --> 00:03:43,310
You are tough but fair, Stan.
95
00:03:43,440 --> 00:03:44,224
Shut up, you idiot.
96
00:03:44,354 --> 00:03:46,922
You made me forget my phone
in the car, you idiot.
97
00:03:47,052 --> 00:03:48,315
Again, so fair.
98
00:03:48,445 --> 00:03:49,445
Save our spot.
99
00:03:51,448 --> 00:03:53,102
You can count on me, Stan.
100
00:03:53,233 --> 00:03:54,103
- Aah!
- [glass clatters]
101
00:03:54,234 --> 00:03:55,409
[squishing]
102
00:03:57,541 --> 00:04:01,153
♪♪
103
00:04:01,284 --> 00:04:02,329
STAN: 5:55.
104
00:04:02,459 --> 00:04:04,766
Okay, should still make it
back in plenty of time
105
00:04:04,896 --> 00:04:07,159
to see the surviving members
of Big Bad Voodoo Daddy
106
00:04:07,290 --> 00:04:08,987
play "God Rest Ye
Swingin' Gentlemen."
107
00:04:09,118 --> 00:04:11,033
[bell dinging]
108
00:04:11,163 --> 00:04:12,252
Aah!
109
00:04:13,557 --> 00:04:14,557
Careful, there!
110
00:04:14,602 --> 00:04:16,604
I've heard of catching a train,
111
00:04:16,734 --> 00:04:18,475
but not with your teeth!
112
00:04:18,606 --> 00:04:20,260
[laughs]
113
00:04:20,390 --> 00:04:21,565
[grumbles]
114
00:04:21,696 --> 00:04:23,350
ROGER:
Got a minute, handsome?
115
00:04:23,480 --> 00:04:26,266
What if I told you
the black mud of the Dead Sea
116
00:04:26,396 --> 00:04:28,703
can offer you hope
in your battle with rosacea?
117
00:04:28,833 --> 00:04:30,139
I don't have rosacea.
118
00:04:30,270 --> 00:04:32,968
And now I'm gonna touch the
small of your back like this.
119
00:04:33,098 --> 00:04:34,970
Does it make you feel
like you can trust me?
120
00:04:35,100 --> 00:04:37,146
So, this is what you had to do
121
00:04:37,277 --> 00:04:39,477
instead of spending Tree-
Lighting Day with your family?
122
00:04:39,540 --> 00:04:40,323
Oh, hey, Stan!
123
00:04:40,454 --> 00:04:42,847
Look, I'm sorry,
but I got to move a lot of cream
124
00:04:42,978 --> 00:04:44,284
to make my year-end quota.
125
00:04:44,414 --> 00:04:45,652
But don't worry, I'll get there.
126
00:04:45,676 --> 00:04:47,983
It's as simple as A-B-C...
127
00:04:48,113 --> 00:04:50,333
T-T-C-A-T-E-T-H-R.
128
00:04:50,464 --> 00:04:52,553
"Always Be Constantly
Touching the Customer,
129
00:04:52,683 --> 00:04:54,642
And Tell Everyone
They Have Rosacea."
130
00:04:54,772 --> 00:04:56,272
Matter of fact, have you
ever thought about trying
131
00:04:56,296 --> 00:04:57,862
to address your skin condition?
132
00:04:57,993 --> 00:04:59,342
What skin condition?
133
00:04:59,560 --> 00:05:02,214
May I place my hand like this
underneath your armpit?
134
00:05:02,345 --> 00:05:04,652
Our cream is fast-working
and totally natural.
135
00:05:04,782 --> 00:05:06,436
You could eat it
if you wanted to.
136
00:05:06,567 --> 00:05:08,525
I'm munching on the stuff
all day myself.
137
00:05:08,656 --> 00:05:10,310
So, how many jars
can I put you down for,
138
00:05:10,440 --> 00:05:12,442
you crimson-faced monster?
139
00:05:12,573 --> 00:05:13,443
CROWD: 10, 9...
140
00:05:13,574 --> 00:05:14,574
- What?!
- ...8...
141
00:05:14,662 --> 00:05:16,098
- It's only 6:00!
- ...7, 6, 5...
142
00:05:16,228 --> 00:05:18,448
I thought the actual lighting
wasn't till 7:00!
143
00:05:18,579 --> 00:05:21,756
...4, 3, 2, 1!
144
00:05:21,886 --> 00:05:25,063
[cheers and applause]
145
00:05:25,194 --> 00:05:26,587
[bulb hissing]
146
00:05:29,546 --> 00:05:31,026
[gasping]
147
00:05:31,156 --> 00:05:32,897
I warned you this would happen!
148
00:05:33,028 --> 00:05:35,552
It was too big, I said!
And too dry!
149
00:05:35,683 --> 00:05:37,815
I still think
it could've gone okay!
150
00:05:37,946 --> 00:05:41,384
♪♪
151
00:05:41,515 --> 00:05:44,866
Maxon!
For God's sake, Maxon, run!
152
00:05:44,996 --> 00:05:46,346
I swore an oath!
153
00:05:48,260 --> 00:05:49,131
Francine!
154
00:05:49,261 --> 00:05:51,002
Hayley! Steve!
155
00:05:51,133 --> 00:05:51,916
Maxon!
156
00:05:52,047 --> 00:05:54,223
♪♪
157
00:05:54,354 --> 00:05:57,139
[explosion reverberates]
158
00:05:58,619 --> 00:06:01,230
[flames crackling,
man screaming]
159
00:06:01,361 --> 00:06:02,536
Stop! Stop!
160
00:06:02,666 --> 00:06:05,452
Can't you see this man needs
top-dollar skincare?
161
00:06:05,582 --> 00:06:07,497
Don't worry,
this borage oil scrub
162
00:06:07,628 --> 00:06:09,499
both exfoliates and rejuvenates.
163
00:06:09,630 --> 00:06:10,630
- [squishing]
- Hm.
164
00:06:10,718 --> 00:06:12,589
A lot of your skin
is just comin' right off.
165
00:06:12,720 --> 00:06:14,939
[chains rattling, bear growling]
166
00:06:15,070 --> 00:06:18,552
Okay, Daganyah, this might be
your toughest sale ever.
167
00:06:18,682 --> 00:06:20,510
-What if --
-[bear snarls]
168
00:06:23,644 --> 00:06:26,168
They're all... dead.
169
00:06:26,298 --> 00:06:28,300
[siren wailing]
170
00:06:28,431 --> 00:06:34,872
♪♪
171
00:06:35,003 --> 00:06:36,613
Come on, Mr. S.
172
00:06:36,744 --> 00:06:39,181
Maybe opening presents
will make us feel better.
173
00:06:39,311 --> 00:06:40,574
How?
174
00:06:40,748 --> 00:06:43,141
I can never have the only thing
I really want --
175
00:06:43,272 --> 00:06:44,665
my family.
176
00:06:44,795 --> 00:06:47,319
All I have left of them
is what the rescue workers
177
00:06:47,450 --> 00:06:49,147
managed to find
among the wreckage.
178
00:06:49,278 --> 00:06:51,280
Steve's glasses.
179
00:06:51,411 --> 00:06:52,847
Hayley's headband.
180
00:06:52,977 --> 00:06:56,154
Francine's famous no-show socks.
181
00:06:56,285 --> 00:06:58,200
It was supposed to be
a perfect day,
182
00:06:58,330 --> 00:07:00,158
but it ended up going so wrong
183
00:07:00,289 --> 00:07:03,858
that it now ranks among some of
the very worst days of my life.
184
00:07:03,988 --> 00:07:05,990
I'm so sorry, Mr. S.
185
00:07:06,121 --> 00:07:07,383
Spare me!
186
00:07:07,644 --> 00:07:09,579
You have no idea what
it feels like to lose a wife.
187
00:07:09,603 --> 00:07:11,909
[shakily]
I -- I lost Hayley.
188
00:07:12,040 --> 00:07:13,998
[sobbing] My Hayley!
189
00:07:14,129 --> 00:07:16,871
She died
never finding happiness!
190
00:07:17,001 --> 00:07:18,742
[sobs]
191
00:07:18,873 --> 00:07:21,789
Mr. S., you haven't eaten
in days.
192
00:07:21,919 --> 00:07:24,095
At least have a fortune cookie.
193
00:07:24,226 --> 00:07:26,489
Fine.
If you'll leave me alone.
194
00:07:26,620 --> 00:07:28,796
Merry Christmas, Mr. S.
195
00:07:28,926 --> 00:07:30,493
Merry Christmas.
196
00:07:34,541 --> 00:07:39,154
"You can make right
what once went wrong."
197
00:07:39,284 --> 00:07:40,808
[bell dinging]
198
00:07:42,244 --> 00:07:43,114
Aah!
199
00:07:43,245 --> 00:07:45,160
Careful, there!
200
00:07:45,290 --> 00:07:47,554
I've heard of catching a train,
201
00:07:47,684 --> 00:07:49,381
but not with your teeth!
202
00:07:49,512 --> 00:07:50,774
[laughs]
203
00:07:50,905 --> 00:07:52,602
What the...?!
204
00:07:52,733 --> 00:07:54,474
I'm back.
205
00:07:54,604 --> 00:07:55,736
I'm back!
206
00:07:55,866 --> 00:07:58,521
MAN:
And I'm back, too, baby!
207
00:07:58,652 --> 00:08:00,001
Guess who just got approved
208
00:08:00,131 --> 00:08:02,525
for a Banana Republic
credit card
209
00:08:02,656 --> 00:08:05,049
despite three bankruptcies!
210
00:08:05,180 --> 00:08:06,703
Ba-boom!
211
00:08:06,834 --> 00:08:08,400
W-W-Whoo, whoo, whoo!
212
00:08:10,490 --> 00:08:13,405
♪♪
213
00:08:13,536 --> 00:08:14,711
How can this be?
214
00:08:14,842 --> 00:08:16,496
Am I dreaming?
215
00:08:16,626 --> 00:08:18,628
5:55.
216
00:08:18,759 --> 00:08:20,412
ROGER:
Got a minute, handsome?
217
00:08:20,543 --> 00:08:22,371
What if I told you
the black mud --
218
00:08:22,502 --> 00:08:23,503
- Roger!
- Oh, hey, Stan.
219
00:08:23,633 --> 00:08:26,375
- What the hell is happening?
- In a word -- rosacea.
220
00:08:26,506 --> 00:08:28,769
It is a red tide on your face,
my friend.
221
00:08:28,899 --> 00:08:31,511
One minute ago,
I was on the couch, and then...
222
00:08:31,641 --> 00:08:33,469
Now, your girlfriend
must complain to you
223
00:08:33,600 --> 00:08:35,515
about your rough,
bumpy skin, yes?
224
00:08:35,645 --> 00:08:37,212
When she's close like this?
225
00:08:37,342 --> 00:08:39,997
STAN: "You can make right
what once went wrong."
226
00:08:40,128 --> 00:08:42,609
I'm being given a chance
to save my family!
227
00:08:42,739 --> 00:08:45,655
You're being given a chance
to save your nasty-ass skin
228
00:08:45,786 --> 00:08:48,528
with our jojoba-infused
mud mask.
229
00:08:48,658 --> 00:08:51,618
Hot chocolate, popcorn,
Santa's workshop.
230
00:08:52,444 --> 00:08:53,576
Jojoba!
231
00:08:53,707 --> 00:08:56,710
[chuckling] They don't make
words like that anymore.
232
00:08:56,840 --> 00:08:58,625
Steve! Steve!
233
00:08:58,755 --> 00:09:00,627
Where is he?
I need to get moving.
234
00:09:00,757 --> 00:09:03,281
Time is running out.
Barista, urgent question --
235
00:09:03,412 --> 00:09:04,500
What is a hug mug?
236
00:09:04,631 --> 00:09:07,459
It's a cozy, rounded mug
you hold like this,
237
00:09:07,590 --> 00:09:08,809
with two hands!
238
00:09:08,939 --> 00:09:10,985
Okay, lay one on me.
But I'm in a serious hurry,
239
00:09:11,115 --> 00:09:12,552
so let's put a rush on that,
sister.
240
00:09:12,682 --> 00:09:15,250
[bell tolling]
241
00:09:15,380 --> 00:09:16,207
[flames roaring]
242
00:09:16,338 --> 00:09:17,774
[crowd screaming]
243
00:09:17,905 --> 00:09:19,036
What have I done?
244
00:09:19,167 --> 00:09:20,995
I've wasted my chance!
245
00:09:21,648 --> 00:09:25,434
[explosion reverberating]
246
00:09:25,565 --> 00:09:26,609
- [bell dinging]
- Aah!
247
00:09:28,785 --> 00:09:29,786
Careful, there!
248
00:09:29,917 --> 00:09:32,049
I've heard of catching a train,
249
00:09:32,180 --> 00:09:33,877
but not with your teeth!
250
00:09:34,008 --> 00:09:35,575
[laughs]
251
00:09:35,705 --> 00:09:38,142
I'm alive!
And I'm back again!
252
00:09:38,273 --> 00:09:39,666
Okay, I'll get
Francine and Hayley.
253
00:09:39,796 --> 00:09:41,450
Maybe they know where Steve is.
254
00:09:41,581 --> 00:09:43,452
There's not one second to spare.
255
00:09:43,583 --> 00:09:45,497
One large hug mug,
name Big Stanno.
256
00:09:45,628 --> 00:09:48,283
I'll swing back to pick it up
after I collect my family!
257
00:09:48,413 --> 00:09:49,893
Hayley!
258
00:09:49,937 --> 00:09:52,069
Baby girl!
259
00:09:52,200 --> 00:09:53,505
Oh, sorry.
260
00:09:54,550 --> 00:09:56,639
You might want to talk
to my friend Daganyah --
261
00:09:56,770 --> 00:09:59,250
kiosk in front of the H&M.
262
00:09:59,381 --> 00:10:01,470
And no Francine either!
263
00:10:01,601 --> 00:10:03,298
Where the hell could they be?
[gasps]
264
00:10:05,039 --> 00:10:06,780
Pleasure doing business
with you.
265
00:10:06,910 --> 00:10:08,869
There was a time the word
"genius" was reserved
266
00:10:08,999 --> 00:10:12,829
for the likes of Isaac Newton
and Zach Braff.
267
00:10:12,960 --> 00:10:15,832
Steve!
My beautiful baby boy!
268
00:10:15,963 --> 00:10:17,791
Is it -- Is it really you?
269
00:10:17,921 --> 00:10:18,792
Yeah?
270
00:10:18,922 --> 00:10:21,403
Oh, Steve,
let's never fight again.
271
00:10:21,533 --> 00:10:22,989
After you tell me
why the hell you aren't
272
00:10:23,013 --> 00:10:24,275
getting us our hot chocolates!
273
00:10:24,406 --> 00:10:25,470
And where's your mom and Hayley?
274
00:10:25,494 --> 00:10:26,364
I don't know!
275
00:10:26,495 --> 00:10:28,758
Okay, okay.
I know where you are now.
276
00:10:28,889 --> 00:10:30,107
[crowd screaming]
277
00:10:30,238 --> 00:10:32,544
Aah! I never picked up
my hug mug.
278
00:10:32,675 --> 00:10:33,675
[bell dinging]
279
00:10:33,720 --> 00:10:34,764
Aah!
280
00:10:34,895 --> 00:10:36,679
Careful, there!
281
00:10:36,810 --> 00:10:39,010
I've heard of catching a train,
but not with your teeth.
282
00:10:39,116 --> 00:10:40,857
Boop!
283
00:10:41,989 --> 00:10:43,425
Hayley? Francine?
284
00:10:43,555 --> 00:10:44,948
[bell tolling]
285
00:10:45,079 --> 00:10:46,384
[crowd screaming]
286
00:10:46,515 --> 00:10:47,777
- [bell dinging]
- Aah!
287
00:10:47,908 --> 00:10:49,561
Hayley? Francine?
288
00:10:50,780 --> 00:10:51,607
- [bell dinging]
- Aah!
289
00:10:51,738 --> 00:10:53,130
Hayley? Francine?
290
00:10:53,261 --> 00:10:55,524
♪♪
291
00:10:55,655 --> 00:10:56,655
Hayley!
292
00:10:58,745 --> 00:11:00,616
Where's our caramel corn?
293
00:11:00,747 --> 00:11:02,313
And where the hell
is your mother?
294
00:11:04,402 --> 00:11:07,667
You do rinse these things off
between each customer, right?
295
00:11:07,797 --> 00:11:10,887
Eh, if they get too bloody,
I give 'em a little lick.
296
00:11:11,018 --> 00:11:12,149
Here comes the poke!
297
00:11:12,280 --> 00:11:14,978
- STAN: Francine!
- [sighing] All right, Stan.
298
00:11:15,109 --> 00:11:17,024
You caught me.
Fun's over.
299
00:11:17,154 --> 00:11:19,548
Psh-yeah, right.
The fun is just beginning!
300
00:11:19,679 --> 00:11:21,028
The fun of me yelling at you!
301
00:11:21,158 --> 00:11:22,899
Why is no one doing
the Christmas chores
302
00:11:23,030 --> 00:11:24,118
we all agreed to?
303
00:11:24,248 --> 00:11:25,946
We didn't agree to anything!
304
00:11:26,076 --> 00:11:29,036
You've just been bossing us
around all day like a big jerk,
305
00:11:29,166 --> 00:11:32,474
so we decided to do some stuff
we wanted to do instead.
306
00:11:32,604 --> 00:11:34,650
And what you wanted to do
was turn yourself
307
00:11:34,781 --> 00:11:36,913
into some kind of
Sideshow Susan,
308
00:11:37,044 --> 00:11:38,698
Lady of Many Holes?
309
00:11:38,828 --> 00:11:40,134
Oh, relax, Stan.
310
00:11:40,264 --> 00:11:42,223
I enjoy getting pierced, okay?
311
00:11:42,353 --> 00:11:45,835
I do it all the time and then
just let the holes close up.
312
00:11:45,966 --> 00:11:47,794
Except for the ones that don't.
313
00:11:47,924 --> 00:11:48,925
In the right breeze,
314
00:11:49,056 --> 00:11:51,841
my nipples can whistle
"Camptown Races."
315
00:11:51,972 --> 00:11:54,714
And as everybody knows,
my interest in basketball
316
00:11:54,844 --> 00:11:56,846
has just gone
into hyperdrive lately.
317
00:11:56,977 --> 00:11:58,848
I'm very disappointed
in the both of you.
318
00:11:58,979 --> 00:12:02,373
I'm gonna go shoot the shit
with Maxon till the fire comes.
319
00:12:02,504 --> 00:12:04,288
[wind howling, whistling]
320
00:12:07,596 --> 00:12:08,423
[explosion reverberating]
321
00:12:08,553 --> 00:12:10,077
- [bell dinging]
- Aah!
322
00:12:10,207 --> 00:12:11,948
They're way too spread out
for me
323
00:12:12,079 --> 00:12:13,863
to be able to get them
all out in time.
324
00:12:13,994 --> 00:12:16,518
I'll have to somehow stop
the disaster itself
325
00:12:16,648 --> 00:12:18,215
from ever happening.
326
00:12:19,913 --> 00:12:22,916
Mr. Mancuso, my liege,
in your infinite wisdom,
327
00:12:23,046 --> 00:12:24,787
I implore you
to call off the lighting.
328
00:12:24,918 --> 00:12:26,746
Countless lives are at stake!
329
00:12:26,876 --> 00:12:27,964
Activate the snipers.
330
00:12:28,095 --> 00:12:30,750
[high-pitched buzzing]
331
00:12:30,880 --> 00:12:33,491
Mancuso, you've done it again.
332
00:12:33,622 --> 00:12:35,711
[gunfire]
333
00:12:35,842 --> 00:12:37,017
- [bell dinging]
- Aah!
334
00:12:38,105 --> 00:12:39,715
Careful, there!
I've --
335
00:12:39,846 --> 00:12:41,021
Janitor!
You have to help me.
336
00:12:41,151 --> 00:12:42,892
I need to find
the main circuit breaker
337
00:12:43,023 --> 00:12:44,546
so I can cut power
to the entire mall.
338
00:12:44,676 --> 00:12:45,895
Easy, buddy.
Nice and --
339
00:12:46,026 --> 00:12:47,941
Please, Janitor,
we have to hurry.
340
00:12:48,071 --> 00:12:49,899
Well, I'm already in a hurry.
341
00:12:50,030 --> 00:12:52,119
It's my wife Daisy's
birthday tomorrow,
342
00:12:52,249 --> 00:12:54,861
and if I don't get her
some of those chocolate bonbons
343
00:12:54,991 --> 00:12:56,142
she loves, I'm gonna be pulling
344
00:12:56,166 --> 00:12:58,865
rolling-pin splinters
out of my backside.
345
00:12:58,995 --> 00:13:00,475
[laughs]
346
00:13:00,605 --> 00:13:02,085
Janitors can get married?
347
00:13:03,086 --> 00:13:03,913
[explosion reverberating]
348
00:13:04,044 --> 00:13:05,480
- [bell dinging]
- Aah!
349
00:13:06,307 --> 00:13:07,830
Listen!
How could I know all this?
350
00:13:07,961 --> 00:13:10,354
Your wife's name is Daisy.
It's her birthday tomorrow.
351
00:13:10,485 --> 00:13:11,747
She loves chocolate bonbons --
352
00:13:11,878 --> 00:13:13,096
You been [bleep] my wife?!
353
00:13:13,227 --> 00:13:15,925
[grunts] I'll kill you,
you son of a bitch!
354
00:13:16,056 --> 00:13:18,014
- [grunting]
- Stop it!
355
00:13:18,145 --> 00:13:20,060
- You've gone mad with rosacea!
- [groans]
356
00:13:20,190 --> 00:13:21,931
- [bell dinging]
- Aah!
357
00:13:22,845 --> 00:13:24,760
Look, I know this sounds crazy,
358
00:13:24,891 --> 00:13:26,893
but I'm in
some kind of time loop.
359
00:13:27,023 --> 00:13:28,503
Say no more!
What do you need?
360
00:13:28,633 --> 00:13:31,680
To... get to the main
circuit breaker.
361
00:13:31,811 --> 00:13:32,855
Gotcha.
362
00:13:32,986 --> 00:13:34,988
These are the blueprints
to the whole mall.
363
00:13:35,118 --> 00:13:36,139
Now, how long's your loop?
364
00:13:36,163 --> 00:13:38,034
Uh, I... five minutes?
Uh...
365
00:13:38,165 --> 00:13:40,167
[whistles]
Gonna be tight.
366
00:13:40,297 --> 00:13:43,692
We can find you a path there,
but you're gonna have to do...
367
00:13:43,823 --> 00:13:46,129
The perfect five minutes.
368
00:13:46,260 --> 00:13:47,565
[explosion reverberating]
369
00:13:47,696 --> 00:13:48,915
- [bell dinging]
- Aah!
370
00:13:49,567 --> 00:13:50,873
Slow down!
371
00:13:51,004 --> 00:13:54,007
What are you, in a damn
time loop or something?!
372
00:14:04,495 --> 00:14:09,631
♪♪
373
00:14:09,761 --> 00:14:10,632
[coughs]
374
00:14:10,762 --> 00:14:17,552
♪♪
375
00:14:17,682 --> 00:14:18,553
Hi! Can I --
376
00:14:18,683 --> 00:14:20,120
There's no time!
377
00:14:20,250 --> 00:14:21,991
Sweat-wicking Nulux leggings
378
00:14:22,122 --> 00:14:24,385
for optimally reduced
wind resistance.
379
00:14:24,515 --> 00:14:31,218
♪♪
380
00:14:31,348 --> 00:14:33,350
Order for Big Stanno.
381
00:14:35,744 --> 00:14:36,963
[screaming]
382
00:14:37,093 --> 00:14:38,660
[glass shatters]
383
00:14:38,790 --> 00:14:40,009
- [bell dinging]
- Aah!
384
00:14:40,140 --> 00:14:41,141
[laughs]
385
00:14:41,271 --> 00:14:43,926
No hot chocolate this time
unless I save my family.
386
00:14:44,057 --> 00:14:45,536
That will be my reward.
387
00:14:47,190 --> 00:14:48,061
Can I help y-- [grunts]
388
00:14:48,191 --> 00:14:51,194
CROWD: 10, 9, 8, 7,
389
00:14:51,325 --> 00:14:54,241
6, 5, 4,
390
00:14:54,371 --> 00:14:57,461
3, 2, 1!
391
00:14:57,592 --> 00:14:59,159
[powering down]
392
00:15:04,207 --> 00:15:05,861
[crowd murmuring]
393
00:15:05,992 --> 00:15:08,342
Anyone want a hit
of this skin cream?
394
00:15:10,431 --> 00:15:11,867
I did it.
395
00:15:11,998 --> 00:15:13,129
They're gonna live.
396
00:15:13,260 --> 00:15:15,175
I warned you this would happen!
397
00:15:15,305 --> 00:15:17,612
The power's gonna go out,
I said!
398
00:15:17,742 --> 00:15:19,962
No tree makes a fool
of Vic Mancuso!
399
00:15:20,093 --> 00:15:21,093
[grunts]
400
00:15:23,139 --> 00:15:25,489
[creaking, rattling]
401
00:15:25,620 --> 00:15:26,838
[line whipping]
402
00:15:32,714 --> 00:15:37,937
♪♪
403
00:15:38,067 --> 00:15:40,026
Mm? [groans lightly]
404
00:15:41,288 --> 00:15:42,506
[all groaning quietly]
405
00:15:42,637 --> 00:15:47,859
♪♪
406
00:15:47,990 --> 00:15:49,252
[gasps]
407
00:15:52,038 --> 00:15:53,039
I got this.
408
00:15:54,388 --> 00:15:56,651
May I place my hand
underneath your armpit?
409
00:15:56,781 --> 00:15:58,870
[bear growls]
410
00:15:59,001 --> 00:16:00,046
[splat]
411
00:16:05,442 --> 00:16:07,183
- [bell dinging]
- Aah!
412
00:16:07,314 --> 00:16:08,924
Careful, there!
413
00:16:09,055 --> 00:16:10,665
How do I make it stop?!
414
00:16:10,795 --> 00:16:12,449
Nothing I do matters!
415
00:16:12,580 --> 00:16:14,930
I just want to die
and stay dead!
416
00:16:15,061 --> 00:16:16,105
Whoooa, now!
417
00:16:16,236 --> 00:16:20,109
Sounds like someone's got
a caseof the time-loop blues.
418
00:16:20,240 --> 00:16:23,721
"You can make right
what once went wrong."
419
00:16:23,852 --> 00:16:25,027
But I can't!
420
00:16:25,158 --> 00:16:28,161
No matter what I do
or how perfectly I do it,
421
00:16:28,291 --> 00:16:30,076
they always still die!
422
00:16:30,206 --> 00:16:31,947
The cookie's bullshit, Janitor!
423
00:16:32,078 --> 00:16:36,952
Well, maybe what you can
"make right" isn't the disaster,
424
00:16:37,083 --> 00:16:39,868
but the way you treated
your family?
425
00:16:39,999 --> 00:16:41,087
How? I only have
426
00:16:41,217 --> 00:16:44,046
these same 5 measly minutes
over and over again.
427
00:16:44,177 --> 00:16:45,917
Not over and over.
428
00:16:46,048 --> 00:16:48,137
See the lucky numbers
here on your fortune?
429
00:16:48,268 --> 00:16:50,096
Classic time-loop countdown.
430
00:16:50,226 --> 00:16:53,055
I'd say you only got
three loops left.
431
00:16:53,186 --> 00:16:54,491
Wow.
432
00:16:54,622 --> 00:16:57,059
You are the wisest janitor
I've ever met.
433
00:16:57,190 --> 00:16:59,931
Well, next to the one at Arby's
who told me to check out
434
00:17:00,062 --> 00:17:01,237
The Bastard Executioner.
435
00:17:01,368 --> 00:17:03,152
It did not disappoint.
436
00:17:03,283 --> 00:17:05,981
I watched the whole thing
like this.
437
00:17:06,112 --> 00:17:08,375
Anyway...
438
00:17:08,505 --> 00:17:10,812
You can either waste
your last few loops
439
00:17:10,942 --> 00:17:14,033
running around
trying to save your family,
440
00:17:14,163 --> 00:17:16,383
or you can spend them
being with them.
441
00:17:16,513 --> 00:17:18,037
Your choice.
442
00:17:18,167 --> 00:17:19,995
Yep, they ain't ever easy,
443
00:17:20,126 --> 00:17:22,345
these magical time-loop
situations.
444
00:17:22,476 --> 00:17:24,956
Body-switching vice-versas,
same thing.
445
00:17:25,087 --> 00:17:27,350
I-I'm in one right now,
matter of fact.
446
00:17:27,481 --> 00:17:29,831
[whispering]
I'm actually a little boy.
447
00:17:29,961 --> 00:17:31,401
That explains
why you kept telling me
448
00:17:31,441 --> 00:17:33,487
how strong your dad was earlier.
449
00:17:33,617 --> 00:17:35,576
Which I still don't believe.
450
00:17:35,706 --> 00:17:37,404
[explosion reverberating,
people screaming]
451
00:17:37,534 --> 00:17:38,534
[laughs]
452
00:17:43,932 --> 00:17:45,092
So, let me get this straight.
453
00:17:45,194 --> 00:17:47,805
You're in a body-swap situation,
454
00:17:47,936 --> 00:17:50,286
and you're actually
an 85-year-old
455
00:17:50,417 --> 00:17:51,983
French-Canadian bus driver?
456
00:17:52,114 --> 00:17:55,161
- STAN: Francine?
- [sighing] All right, Stan.
457
00:17:55,291 --> 00:17:56,510
You caught me.
458
00:17:56,727 --> 00:17:58,947
I'll head over to Santa's
workshop like you wanted.
459
00:17:59,078 --> 00:18:02,385
No! We're gonna do something
you want to do now.
460
00:18:02,516 --> 00:18:04,996
Garçon, give us both the works.
461
00:18:05,127 --> 00:18:06,520
[whistles]
462
00:18:06,650 --> 00:18:09,523
I was so hung up on making this
a perfect day
463
00:18:09,653 --> 00:18:10,741
for the family...
464
00:18:11,133 --> 00:18:12,415
[groans] ...that I lost sight
of the fact that...
465
00:18:12,439 --> 00:18:13,831
Aah!
466
00:18:13,962 --> 00:18:15,418
...the day was already
perfect because...
467
00:18:15,442 --> 00:18:17,052
Mother[bleep]
468
00:18:17,183 --> 00:18:18,445
...I was with my family.
469
00:18:18,575 --> 00:18:20,229
And I'm sorry for that.
470
00:18:20,360 --> 00:18:21,404
Oh, Stan!
471
00:18:21,535 --> 00:18:23,319
I'd kiss you if this chain
472
00:18:23,450 --> 00:18:26,105
weren't connecting my upper lip
to my belly button.
473
00:18:26,235 --> 00:18:28,629
I'm just glad we got to spend
some time together before
474
00:18:28,759 --> 00:18:31,806
we're consumed by a
bone-meltingtsunami of fire.
475
00:18:31,936 --> 00:18:33,416
Aw, me too.
476
00:18:33,547 --> 00:18:34,765
- [bell tolling]
- Wait, what?!
477
00:18:34,896 --> 00:18:36,576
[explosion reverberating,
people screaming]
478
00:18:36,680 --> 00:18:38,813
Do you have any balls
that feature Tweety Bird
479
00:18:38,943 --> 00:18:40,554
dressed up all street?
480
00:18:40,684 --> 00:18:42,295
STAN: Think fast!
481
00:18:42,425 --> 00:18:44,645
How about a little one-on-one
with your old man?
482
00:18:44,775 --> 00:18:45,820
Best to 11.
483
00:18:45,950 --> 00:18:47,387
Or whoever's ahead when we die.
484
00:18:47,517 --> 00:18:48,562
I'd like that.
485
00:18:48,692 --> 00:18:50,346
- Ohh!
- My ball!
486
00:18:50,477 --> 00:18:52,043
Michael Jordan!
487
00:18:52,087 --> 00:18:53,306
Larry Bird!
488
00:18:53,436 --> 00:18:54,263
Air Bud!
489
00:18:54,394 --> 00:18:56,396
Air Bud 2: Golden Receiver!
490
00:18:56,526 --> 00:18:57,919
For the Love of Benji!
491
00:18:58,049 --> 00:18:59,138
Turner & Hooch!
492
00:18:59,268 --> 00:19:00,443
Dog Day Afternoon!
493
00:19:00,574 --> 00:19:03,229
BOTH:
Beverly Hills Chihuahua!
494
00:19:03,359 --> 00:19:05,579
[both laughing]
495
00:19:05,709 --> 00:19:08,364
That was a lot of fun.
Thanks, Dad.
496
00:19:08,495 --> 00:19:09,495
[bell tolling]
497
00:19:09,539 --> 00:19:11,628
And here comes the fireball.
498
00:19:11,759 --> 00:19:13,456
[explosion reverberating,
people screaming]
499
00:19:13,587 --> 00:19:16,372
Let's just get this over with,
shall we?
500
00:19:16,503 --> 00:19:19,462
Steve! My first and now
certainly only son!
501
00:19:19,593 --> 00:19:20,985
Let's bond.
502
00:19:21,160 --> 00:19:22,702
Uh, I'm kind of in the middle
of something right now.
503
00:19:22,726 --> 00:19:24,815
Okay, you're here.
You love tech.
504
00:19:24,946 --> 00:19:26,382
Let's play computer together!
505
00:19:26,513 --> 00:19:28,297
Any of these things do
Leisure Suit Larry?
506
00:19:28,428 --> 00:19:29,864
Um, who is this guy?
507
00:19:29,994 --> 00:19:31,431
Don't worry about it, jerk.
508
00:19:31,561 --> 00:19:34,129
Who do you have such
a contentious relationship
509
00:19:34,260 --> 00:19:36,087
with this simple,
hardworking genius?
510
00:19:36,218 --> 00:19:38,438
Because this genius
hacked my computer,
511
00:19:38,568 --> 00:19:40,179
and if I don't pay him off
right now,
512
00:19:40,309 --> 00:19:42,703
he's gonna put out a video
of me whacking it, okay?!
513
00:19:42,833 --> 00:19:44,400
[gasps, murmurs]
514
00:19:44,531 --> 00:19:45,662
I said come alone.
515
00:19:45,793 --> 00:19:46,837
Deal's off.
516
00:19:46,968 --> 00:19:48,187
[click]
517
00:19:48,317 --> 00:19:50,276
Ugh, what a day!
518
00:19:50,406 --> 00:19:51,625
[gasps]
519
00:19:51,755 --> 00:19:55,194
Time to relax with a little
hand-to-gland combat.
520
00:19:55,324 --> 00:19:56,847
[chuckles]
521
00:19:56,978 --> 00:19:58,545
[crowd murmuring]
522
00:19:58,675 --> 00:20:00,460
Hey!
That's our lotion!
523
00:20:00,590 --> 00:20:02,331
Allison...
524
00:20:02,462 --> 00:20:03,898
Janney...
525
00:20:04,028 --> 00:20:06,683
SafeSearch off.
526
00:20:06,814 --> 00:20:09,077
[as Borat] Mm, very nice!
527
00:20:09,208 --> 00:20:10,339
[normal voice] All right.
528
00:20:10,470 --> 00:20:12,211
Let's dig on in down here
529
00:20:12,341 --> 00:20:14,952
and really show this
little bastard who's boss.
530
00:20:15,997 --> 00:20:17,303
[zipper rasps, crowd gasps]
531
00:20:18,521 --> 00:20:20,436
- Oh, no!
- Not what we're here to see!
532
00:20:20,567 --> 00:20:22,308
WOMAN: What is this?!
533
00:20:22,438 --> 00:20:24,397
[tapping on mic,
feedback screeches]
534
00:20:24,527 --> 00:20:26,225
Ladies and gentlemen, clearly,
535
00:20:26,355 --> 00:20:28,488
Christmas at the Langley
has been ruined.
536
00:20:28,618 --> 00:20:31,578
There will be no holiday
celebration this year.
537
00:20:31,708 --> 00:20:34,102
May God have mercy on our souls.
538
00:20:34,233 --> 00:20:36,409
[vehicles whirring, beeping]
539
00:20:36,539 --> 00:20:38,802
They're taking it all down.
540
00:20:38,933 --> 00:20:40,413
[sighing] It's over.
541
00:20:40,543 --> 00:20:42,763
Sorry I ruined
our family's big day, Dad.
542
00:20:42,893 --> 00:20:44,373
Are you kidding me?
543
00:20:44,504 --> 00:20:46,201
This is the perfect day,
544
00:20:46,332 --> 00:20:49,465
the perfect start
to a perfect Christmas.
545
00:20:49,596 --> 00:20:54,731
♪ Ohh, ohhhhhh, oh ♪
546
00:20:54,862 --> 00:20:56,342
♪♪
547
00:20:56,472 --> 00:20:59,040
♪ Rockin' around
the Christmas tree ♪
548
00:20:59,170 --> 00:21:02,391
♪ At the Christmas party hop ♪
549
00:21:02,522 --> 00:21:04,393
Bye!
Have a great time!
38200
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