1 00:00:01,305 --> 00:00:03,525 ♪♪ 2 00:00:03,655 --> 00:00:07,094 The perfect Thanksgiving leftover sandwich -- 3 00:00:07,224 --> 00:00:10,967 turkey, cranberry sauce, pumpkin pie, 4 00:00:11,098 --> 00:00:13,056 Tuttle's famous baba ghanoush, 5 00:00:13,187 --> 00:00:17,147 and a nice, big splash of the after-dinner sambuca. 6 00:00:18,148 --> 00:00:19,149 [squish] 7 00:00:20,498 --> 00:00:21,499 [grunting] 8 00:00:21,630 --> 00:00:24,024 Thanksgiving is over, Francine. 9 00:00:24,154 --> 00:00:26,330 We can't live in the past. 10 00:00:26,461 --> 00:00:29,333 The Christmas season has now begun. 11 00:00:31,031 --> 00:00:32,380 The Smiths have only ever had 12 00:00:32,510 --> 00:00:35,035 very bad, very weird Christmases. 13 00:00:35,165 --> 00:00:37,776 So this year, it's imperative that we finally have 14 00:00:37,907 --> 00:00:41,215 the perfect Norman Rockwell holiday season. 15 00:00:42,346 --> 00:00:44,522 Oh, no, no. Th-This isn't right at all. 16 00:00:44,653 --> 00:00:47,177 Hayley, why aren't your cheeks rosier? 17 00:00:47,308 --> 00:00:48,961 Hey, cut it out! 18 00:00:49,092 --> 00:00:53,401 And, Steve, this sweater is supposed to warm my icy heart? 19 00:00:53,531 --> 00:00:56,839 It's one of those ironic ugly Christmas sweaters, see? 20 00:00:56,969 --> 00:00:58,754 It's kitschy. It's fun. 21 00:00:58,884 --> 00:01:00,843 Well, excuse me, John Waters, 22 00:01:00,973 --> 00:01:03,759 but there's no room for irony in our perfect Christmas. 23 00:01:03,889 --> 00:01:05,065 Geez, okay, 24 00:01:05,195 --> 00:01:07,067 I'll dig into my Jaclyn Smiths. 25 00:01:07,197 --> 00:01:08,851 Why aren't all your shoes on? 26 00:01:08,981 --> 00:01:10,655 We need to be heading out for the Christmas tree lighting 27 00:01:10,679 --> 00:01:12,072 at the Langley in like two minutes! 28 00:01:12,202 --> 00:01:13,203 What's the Langley? 29 00:01:13,334 --> 00:01:14,944 Oh, my God, tell me you're kidding! 30 00:01:15,075 --> 00:01:16,772 I'm crawling into the goddamn fire. 31 00:01:16,902 --> 00:01:20,080 The Langley is the upscale outdoor mall they built 32 00:01:20,210 --> 00:01:24,388 where the stupid old [nasally] eh, public library used to be. 33 00:01:24,519 --> 00:01:27,217 The Langley? Super swank. 34 00:01:27,348 --> 00:01:30,090 Victoria Beckham bought a condo there but has never visited. 35 00:01:30,220 --> 00:01:33,005 Klaus, why aren't you warming upthe car like I told you? 36 00:01:33,136 --> 00:01:35,443 I'm texting with my brother from another mother Jurgen 37 00:01:35,573 --> 00:01:37,793 right now, and he's freaking out. 38 00:01:37,923 --> 00:01:40,100 Some blackmailers hacked his webcam, 39 00:01:40,230 --> 00:01:42,667 and he didn't pay up, so they sent a video of him 40 00:01:42,798 --> 00:01:45,801 cranking it to his entire contact list. 41 00:01:45,931 --> 00:01:48,978 Now everyone's calling him Jerkin' Jurgen. 42 00:01:49,109 --> 00:01:50,371 This is not appropriate 43 00:01:50,501 --> 00:01:52,416 Norman Rockwell-like Christmas talk. 44 00:01:52,547 --> 00:01:55,245 I saw that video, and I think it's actually 45 00:01:55,376 --> 00:01:56,246 gonna be good for him. 46 00:01:56,377 --> 00:01:58,379 Dude's got a monster hog. 47 00:01:58,509 --> 00:02:01,121 Yeah, but he's got those tiny little balls. 48 00:02:01,251 --> 00:02:03,210 Hey, I got time to blast a shit real quick? 49 00:02:03,340 --> 00:02:04,385 Norman Rockwell! 50 00:02:04,515 --> 00:02:05,995 ♪♪ 51 00:02:06,126 --> 00:02:09,390 ♪ Good morning, USA ♪ 52 00:02:09,520 --> 00:02:12,349 ♪♪ 53 00:02:12,480 --> 00:02:16,397 Now, tell me, does this place do Christmas right or what? 54 00:02:16,527 --> 00:02:18,834 And look, they even have an actual polar bear 55 00:02:18,964 --> 00:02:20,227 at Santa's workshop. 56 00:02:20,357 --> 00:02:23,491 [bear growling, baby screaming] 57 00:02:23,621 --> 00:02:27,234 But lest we forget, who's that special man 58 00:02:27,364 --> 00:02:28,583 the good Lord sent to Earth? 59 00:02:28,713 --> 00:02:30,106 Who's the reason we have all this 60 00:02:30,237 --> 00:02:31,934 Christmas splendor to enjoy? 61 00:02:32,108 --> 00:02:35,285 TOGETHER: Visionary mall developer Vic Mancuso. 62 00:02:35,416 --> 00:02:36,286 That's right. 63 00:02:36,417 --> 00:02:37,461 And there he is now! 64 00:02:37,592 --> 00:02:38,810 [cheers and applause] 65 00:02:39,071 --> 00:02:42,162 An angel of a man in front of a behemoth of a tree. 66 00:02:42,292 --> 00:02:46,253 [whistles] Norway spruce, 163 feet tall, 67 00:02:46,383 --> 00:02:50,213 secured in place by over 6,000 total feet of 200K-PSI 68 00:02:50,344 --> 00:02:52,302 reinforced steel tension wire. 69 00:02:52,433 --> 00:02:53,477 How do you know all that? 70 00:02:53,608 --> 00:02:54,826 Just eyeballin' it. 71 00:02:55,044 --> 00:02:57,220 Well, since we seem to have found our spot here, 72 00:02:57,351 --> 00:02:59,285 I just have a quick errand I need to take care of. 73 00:02:59,309 --> 00:03:00,484 Yeah, you do. 74 00:03:00,658 --> 00:03:02,399 Getting hot chocolates for the whole family. 75 00:03:02,530 --> 00:03:03,183 What?! No, I really -- 76 00:03:03,313 --> 00:03:04,532 "No" nothing. 77 00:03:04,662 --> 00:03:07,187 Four piping-hot cocoas to hold like this -- 78 00:03:07,317 --> 00:03:08,710 Mmmmm. 79 00:03:08,840 --> 00:03:10,625 [slurps, smacks lips] 80 00:03:10,755 --> 00:03:13,410 Ahh! Tastes like Christmas. 81 00:03:13,541 --> 00:03:14,846 Well, I was actually hoping to -- 82 00:03:14,977 --> 00:03:16,152 Get some caramel corn? 83 00:03:16,283 --> 00:03:17,608 Great! 'Cause that's what you're doing. 84 00:03:17,632 --> 00:03:19,982 And, Francine, you're going to Santa's workshop 85 00:03:20,112 --> 00:03:21,912 to ask the Santa there if he'd like to join us 86 00:03:22,027 --> 00:03:23,246 to watch the tree lighting. 87 00:03:23,377 --> 00:03:25,509 Long shot, maybe, but what if -- if he says yes? 88 00:03:25,640 --> 00:03:27,642 -Listen, Stan -- -No, you listen! 89 00:03:27,772 --> 00:03:30,297 Today is the kickoff to the entire Christmas season, 90 00:03:30,427 --> 00:03:33,430 and we only have one chance to make it absolutely perfect. 91 00:03:33,561 --> 00:03:35,911 So could you slap-dicks just do one thing each 92 00:03:36,041 --> 00:03:37,105 to help me make that happen? 93 00:03:37,129 --> 00:03:38,174 Now go! 94 00:03:41,090 --> 00:03:43,310 You are tough but fair, Stan. 95 00:03:43,440 --> 00:03:44,224 Shut up, you idiot. 96 00:03:44,354 --> 00:03:46,922 You made me forget my phone in the car, you idiot. 97 00:03:47,052 --> 00:03:48,315 Again, so fair. 98 00:03:48,445 --> 00:03:49,445 Save our spot. 99 00:03:51,448 --> 00:03:53,102 You can count on me, Stan. 100 00:03:53,233 --> 00:03:54,103 - Aah! - [glass clatters] 101 00:03:54,234 --> 00:03:55,409 [squishing] 102 00:03:57,541 --> 00:04:01,153 ♪♪ 103 00:04:01,284 --> 00:04:02,329 STAN: 5:55. 104 00:04:02,459 --> 00:04:04,766 Okay, should still make it back in plenty of time 105 00:04:04,896 --> 00:04:07,159 to see the surviving members of Big Bad Voodoo Daddy 106 00:04:07,290 --> 00:04:08,987 play "God Rest Ye Swingin' Gentlemen." 107 00:04:09,118 --> 00:04:11,033 [bell dinging] 108 00:04:11,163 --> 00:04:12,252 Aah! 109 00:04:13,557 --> 00:04:14,557 Careful, there! 110 00:04:14,602 --> 00:04:16,604 I've heard of catching a train, 111 00:04:16,734 --> 00:04:18,475 but not with your teeth! 112 00:04:18,606 --> 00:04:20,260 [laughs] 113 00:04:20,390 --> 00:04:21,565 [grumbles] 114 00:04:21,696 --> 00:04:23,350 ROGER: Got a minute, handsome? 115 00:04:23,480 --> 00:04:26,266 What if I told you the black mud of the Dead Sea 116 00:04:26,396 --> 00:04:28,703 can offer you hope in your battle with rosacea? 117 00:04:28,833 --> 00:04:30,139 I don't have rosacea. 118 00:04:30,270 --> 00:04:32,968 And now I'm gonna touch the small of your back like this. 119 00:04:33,098 --> 00:04:34,970 Does it make you feel like you can trust me? 120 00:04:35,100 --> 00:04:37,146 So, this is what you had to do 121 00:04:37,277 --> 00:04:39,477 instead of spending Tree- Lighting Day with your family? 122 00:04:39,540 --> 00:04:40,323 Oh, hey, Stan! 123 00:04:40,454 --> 00:04:42,847 Look, I'm sorry, but I got to move a lot of cream 124 00:04:42,978 --> 00:04:44,284 to make my year-end quota. 125 00:04:44,414 --> 00:04:45,652 But don't worry, I'll get there. 126 00:04:45,676 --> 00:04:47,983 It's as simple as A-B-C... 127 00:04:48,113 --> 00:04:50,333 T-T-C-A-T-E-T-H-R. 128 00:04:50,464 --> 00:04:52,553 "Always Be Constantly Touching the Customer, 129 00:04:52,683 --> 00:04:54,642 And Tell Everyone They Have Rosacea." 130 00:04:54,772 --> 00:04:56,272 Matter of fact, have you ever thought about trying 131 00:04:56,296 --> 00:04:57,862 to address your skin condition? 132 00:04:57,993 --> 00:04:59,342 What skin condition? 133 00:04:59,560 --> 00:05:02,214 May I place my hand like this underneath your armpit? 134 00:05:02,345 --> 00:05:04,652 Our cream is fast-working and totally natural. 135 00:05:04,782 --> 00:05:06,436 You could eat it if you wanted to. 136 00:05:06,567 --> 00:05:08,525 I'm munching on the stuff all day myself. 137 00:05:08,656 --> 00:05:10,310 So, how many jars can I put you down for, 138 00:05:10,440 --> 00:05:12,442 you crimson-faced monster? 139 00:05:12,573 --> 00:05:13,443 CROWD: 10, 9... 140 00:05:13,574 --> 00:05:14,574 - What?! - ...8... 141 00:05:14,662 --> 00:05:16,098 - It's only 6:00! - ...7, 6, 5... 142 00:05:16,228 --> 00:05:18,448 I thought the actual lighting wasn't till 7:00! 143 00:05:18,579 --> 00:05:21,756 ...4, 3, 2, 1! 144 00:05:21,886 --> 00:05:25,063 [cheers and applause] 145 00:05:25,194 --> 00:05:26,587 [bulb hissing] 146 00:05:29,546 --> 00:05:31,026 [gasping] 147 00:05:31,156 --> 00:05:32,897 I warned you this would happen! 148 00:05:33,028 --> 00:05:35,552 It was too big, I said! And too dry! 149 00:05:35,683 --> 00:05:37,815 I still think it could've gone okay! 150 00:05:37,946 --> 00:05:41,384 ♪♪ 151 00:05:41,515 --> 00:05:44,866 Maxon! For God's sake, Maxon, run! 152 00:05:44,996 --> 00:05:46,346 I swore an oath! 153 00:05:48,260 --> 00:05:49,131 Francine! 154 00:05:49,261 --> 00:05:51,002 Hayley! Steve! 155 00:05:51,133 --> 00:05:51,916 Maxon! 156 00:05:52,047 --> 00:05:54,223 ♪♪ 157 00:05:54,354 --> 00:05:57,139 [explosion reverberates] 158 00:05:58,619 --> 00:06:01,230 [flames crackling, man screaming] 159 00:06:01,361 --> 00:06:02,536 Stop! Stop! 160 00:06:02,666 --> 00:06:05,452 Can't you see this man needs top-dollar skincare? 161 00:06:05,582 --> 00:06:07,497 Don't worry, this borage oil scrub 162 00:06:07,628 --> 00:06:09,499 both exfoliates and rejuvenates. 163 00:06:09,630 --> 00:06:10,630 - [squishing] - Hm. 164 00:06:10,718 --> 00:06:12,589 A lot of your skin is just comin' right off. 165 00:06:12,720 --> 00:06:14,939 [chains rattling, bear growling] 166 00:06:15,070 --> 00:06:18,552 Okay, Daganyah, this might be your toughest sale ever. 167 00:06:18,682 --> 00:06:20,510 -What if -- -[bear snarls] 168 00:06:23,644 --> 00:06:26,168 They're all... dead. 169 00:06:26,298 --> 00:06:28,300 [siren wailing] 170 00:06:28,431 --> 00:06:34,872 ♪♪ 171 00:06:35,003 --> 00:06:36,613 Come on, Mr. S. 172 00:06:36,744 --> 00:06:39,181 Maybe opening presents will make us feel better. 173 00:06:39,311 --> 00:06:40,574 How? 174 00:06:40,748 --> 00:06:43,141 I can never have the only thing I really want -- 175 00:06:43,272 --> 00:06:44,665 my family. 176 00:06:44,795 --> 00:06:47,319 All I have left of them is what the rescue workers 177 00:06:47,450 --> 00:06:49,147 managed to find among the wreckage. 178 00:06:49,278 --> 00:06:51,280 Steve's glasses. 179 00:06:51,411 --> 00:06:52,847 Hayley's headband. 180 00:06:52,977 --> 00:06:56,154 Francine's famous no-show socks. 181 00:06:56,285 --> 00:06:58,200 It was supposed to be a perfect day, 182 00:06:58,330 --> 00:07:00,158 but it ended up going so wrong 183 00:07:00,289 --> 00:07:03,858 that it now ranks among some of the very worst days of my life. 184 00:07:03,988 --> 00:07:05,990 I'm so sorry, Mr. S. 185 00:07:06,121 --> 00:07:07,383 Spare me! 186 00:07:07,644 --> 00:07:09,579 You have no idea what it feels like to lose a wife. 187 00:07:09,603 --> 00:07:11,909 [shakily] I -- I lost Hayley. 188 00:07:12,040 --> 00:07:13,998 [sobbing] My Hayley! 189 00:07:14,129 --> 00:07:16,871 She died never finding happiness! 190 00:07:17,001 --> 00:07:18,742 [sobs] 191 00:07:18,873 --> 00:07:21,789 Mr. S., you haven't eaten in days. 192 00:07:21,919 --> 00:07:24,095 At least have a fortune cookie. 193 00:07:24,226 --> 00:07:26,489 Fine. If you'll leave me alone. 194 00:07:26,620 --> 00:07:28,796 Merry Christmas, Mr. S. 195 00:07:28,926 --> 00:07:30,493 Merry Christmas. 196 00:07:34,541 --> 00:07:39,154 "You can make right what once went wrong." 197 00:07:39,284 --> 00:07:40,808 [bell dinging] 198 00:07:42,244 --> 00:07:43,114 Aah! 199 00:07:43,245 --> 00:07:45,160 Careful, there! 200 00:07:45,290 --> 00:07:47,554 I've heard of catching a train, 201 00:07:47,684 --> 00:07:49,381 but not with your teeth! 202 00:07:49,512 --> 00:07:50,774 [laughs] 203 00:07:50,905 --> 00:07:52,602 What the...?! 204 00:07:52,733 --> 00:07:54,474 I'm back. 205 00:07:54,604 --> 00:07:55,736 I'm back! 206 00:07:55,866 --> 00:07:58,521 MAN: And I'm back, too, baby! 207 00:07:58,652 --> 00:08:00,001 Guess who just got approved 208 00:08:00,131 --> 00:08:02,525 for a Banana Republic credit card 209 00:08:02,656 --> 00:08:05,049 despite three bankruptcies! 210 00:08:05,180 --> 00:08:06,703 Ba-boom! 211 00:08:06,834 --> 00:08:08,400 W-W-Whoo, whoo, whoo! 212 00:08:10,490 --> 00:08:13,405 ♪♪ 213 00:08:13,536 --> 00:08:14,711 How can this be? 214 00:08:14,842 --> 00:08:16,496 Am I dreaming? 215 00:08:16,626 --> 00:08:18,628 5:55. 216 00:08:18,759 --> 00:08:20,412 ROGER: Got a minute, handsome? 217 00:08:20,543 --> 00:08:22,371 What if I told you the black mud -- 218 00:08:22,502 --> 00:08:23,503 - Roger! - Oh, hey, Stan. 219 00:08:23,633 --> 00:08:26,375 - What the hell is happening? - In a word -- rosacea. 220 00:08:26,506 --> 00:08:28,769 It is a red tide on your face, my friend. 221 00:08:28,899 --> 00:08:31,511 One minute ago, I was on the couch, and then... 222 00:08:31,641 --> 00:08:33,469 Now, your girlfriend must complain to you 223 00:08:33,600 --> 00:08:35,515 about your rough, bumpy skin, yes? 224 00:08:35,645 --> 00:08:37,212 When she's close like this? 225 00:08:37,342 --> 00:08:39,997 STAN: "You can make right what once went wrong." 226 00:08:40,128 --> 00:08:42,609 I'm being given a chance to save my family! 227 00:08:42,739 --> 00:08:45,655 You're being given a chance to save your nasty-ass skin 228 00:08:45,786 --> 00:08:48,528 with our jojoba-infused mud mask. 229 00:08:48,658 --> 00:08:51,618 Hot chocolate, popcorn, Santa's workshop. 230 00:08:52,444 --> 00:08:53,576 Jojoba! 231 00:08:53,707 --> 00:08:56,710 [chuckling] They don't make words like that anymore. 232 00:08:56,840 --> 00:08:58,625 Steve! Steve! 233 00:08:58,755 --> 00:09:00,627 Where is he? I need to get moving. 234 00:09:00,757 --> 00:09:03,281 Time is running out. Barista, urgent question -- 235 00:09:03,412 --> 00:09:04,500 What is a hug mug? 236 00:09:04,631 --> 00:09:07,459 It's a cozy, rounded mug you hold like this, 237 00:09:07,590 --> 00:09:08,809 with two hands! 238 00:09:08,939 --> 00:09:10,985 Okay, lay one on me. But I'm in a serious hurry, 239 00:09:11,115 --> 00:09:12,552 so let's put a rush on that, sister. 240 00:09:12,682 --> 00:09:15,250 [bell tolling] 241 00:09:15,380 --> 00:09:16,207 [flames roaring] 242 00:09:16,338 --> 00:09:17,774 [crowd screaming] 243 00:09:17,905 --> 00:09:19,036 What have I done? 244 00:09:19,167 --> 00:09:20,995 I've wasted my chance! 245 00:09:21,648 --> 00:09:25,434 [explosion reverberating] 246 00:09:25,565 --> 00:09:26,609 - [bell dinging] - Aah! 247 00:09:28,785 --> 00:09:29,786 Careful, there! 248 00:09:29,917 --> 00:09:32,049 I've heard of catching a train, 249 00:09:32,180 --> 00:09:33,877 but not with your teeth! 250 00:09:34,008 --> 00:09:35,575 [laughs] 251 00:09:35,705 --> 00:09:38,142 I'm alive! And I'm back again! 252 00:09:38,273 --> 00:09:39,666 Okay, I'll get Francine and Hayley. 253 00:09:39,796 --> 00:09:41,450 Maybe they know where Steve is. 254 00:09:41,581 --> 00:09:43,452 There's not one second to spare. 255 00:09:43,583 --> 00:09:45,497 One large hug mug, name Big Stanno. 256 00:09:45,628 --> 00:09:48,283 I'll swing back to pick it up after I collect my family! 257 00:09:48,413 --> 00:09:49,893 Hayley! 258 00:09:49,937 --> 00:09:52,069 Baby girl! 259 00:09:52,200 --> 00:09:53,505 Oh, sorry. 260 00:09:54,550 --> 00:09:56,639 You might want to talk to my friend Daganyah -- 261 00:09:56,770 --> 00:09:59,250 kiosk in front of the HandM. 262 00:09:59,381 --> 00:10:01,470 And no Francine either! 263 00:10:01,601 --> 00:10:03,298 Where the hell could they be? [gasps] 264 00:10:05,039 --> 00:10:06,780 Pleasure doing business with you. 265 00:10:06,910 --> 00:10:08,869 There was a time the word "genius" was reserved 266 00:10:08,999 --> 00:10:12,829 for the likes of Isaac Newton and Zach Braff. 267 00:10:12,960 --> 00:10:15,832 Steve! My beautiful baby boy! 268 00:10:15,963 --> 00:10:17,791 Is it -- Is it really you? 269 00:10:17,921 --> 00:10:18,792 Yeah? 270 00:10:18,922 --> 00:10:21,403 Oh, Steve, let's never fight again. 271 00:10:21,533 --> 00:10:22,989 After you tell me why the hell you aren't 272 00:10:23,013 --> 00:10:24,275 getting us our hot chocolates! 273 00:10:24,406 --> 00:10:25,470 And where's your mom and Hayley? 274 00:10:25,494 --> 00:10:26,364 I don't know! 275 00:10:26,495 --> 00:10:28,758 Okay, okay. I know where you are now. 276 00:10:28,889 --> 00:10:30,107 [crowd screaming] 277 00:10:30,238 --> 00:10:32,544 Aah! I never picked up my hug mug. 278 00:10:32,675 --> 00:10:33,675 [bell dinging] 279 00:10:33,720 --> 00:10:34,764 Aah! 280 00:10:34,895 --> 00:10:36,679 Careful, there! 281 00:10:36,810 --> 00:10:39,010 I've heard of catching a train, but not with your teeth. 282 00:10:39,116 --> 00:10:40,857 Boop! 283 00:10:41,989 --> 00:10:43,425 Hayley? Francine? 284 00:10:43,555 --> 00:10:44,948 [bell tolling] 285 00:10:45,079 --> 00:10:46,384 [crowd screaming] 286 00:10:46,515 --> 00:10:47,777 - [bell dinging] - Aah! 287 00:10:47,908 --> 00:10:49,561 Hayley? Francine? 288 00:10:50,780 --> 00:10:51,607 - [bell dinging] - Aah! 289 00:10:51,738 --> 00:10:53,130 Hayley? Francine? 290 00:10:53,261 --> 00:10:55,524 ♪♪ 291 00:10:55,655 --> 00:10:56,655 Hayley! 292 00:10:58,745 --> 00:11:00,616 Where's our caramel corn? 293 00:11:00,747 --> 00:11:02,313 And where the hell is your mother? 294 00:11:04,402 --> 00:11:07,667 You do rinse these things off between each customer, right? 295 00:11:07,797 --> 00:11:10,887 Eh, if they get too bloody, I give 'em a little lick. 296 00:11:11,018 --> 00:11:12,149 Here comes the poke! 297 00:11:12,280 --> 00:11:14,978 - STAN: Francine! - [sighing] All right, Stan. 298 00:11:15,109 --> 00:11:17,024 You caught me. Fun's over. 299 00:11:17,154 --> 00:11:19,548 Psh-yeah, right. The fun is just beginning! 300 00:11:19,679 --> 00:11:21,028 The fun of me yelling at you! 301 00:11:21,158 --> 00:11:22,899 Why is no one doing the Christmas chores 302 00:11:23,030 --> 00:11:24,118 we all agreed to? 303 00:11:24,248 --> 00:11:25,946 We didn't agree to anything! 304 00:11:26,076 --> 00:11:29,036 You've just been bossing us around all day like a big jerk, 305 00:11:29,166 --> 00:11:32,474 so we decided to do some stuff we wanted to do instead. 306 00:11:32,604 --> 00:11:34,650 And what you wanted to do was turn yourself 307 00:11:34,781 --> 00:11:36,913 into some kind of Sideshow Susan, 308 00:11:37,044 --> 00:11:38,698 Lady of Many Holes? 309 00:11:38,828 --> 00:11:40,134 Oh, relax, Stan. 310 00:11:40,264 --> 00:11:42,223 I enjoy getting pierced, okay? 311 00:11:42,353 --> 00:11:45,835 I do it all the time and then just let the holes close up. 312 00:11:45,966 --> 00:11:47,794 Except for the ones that don't. 313 00:11:47,924 --> 00:11:48,925 In the right breeze, 314 00:11:49,056 --> 00:11:51,841 my nipples can whistle "Camptown Races." 315 00:11:51,972 --> 00:11:54,714 And as everybody knows, my interest in basketball 316 00:11:54,844 --> 00:11:56,846 has just gone into hyperdrive lately. 317 00:11:56,977 --> 00:11:58,848 I'm very disappointed in the both of you. 318 00:11:58,979 --> 00:12:02,373 I'm gonna go shoot the shit with Maxon till the fire comes. 319 00:12:02,504 --> 00:12:04,288 [wind howling, whistling] 320 00:12:07,596 --> 00:12:08,423 [explosion reverberating] 321 00:12:08,553 --> 00:12:10,077 - [bell dinging] - Aah! 322 00:12:10,207 --> 00:12:11,948 They're way too spread out for me 323 00:12:12,079 --> 00:12:13,863 to be able to get them all out in time. 324 00:12:13,994 --> 00:12:16,518 I'll have to somehow stop the disaster itself 325 00:12:16,648 --> 00:12:18,215 from ever happening. 326 00:12:19,913 --> 00:12:22,916 Mr. Mancuso, my liege, in your infinite wisdom, 327 00:12:23,046 --> 00:12:24,787 I implore you to call off the lighting. 328 00:12:24,918 --> 00:12:26,746 Countless lives are at stake! 329 00:12:26,876 --> 00:12:27,964 Activate the snipers. 330 00:12:28,095 --> 00:12:30,750 [high-pitched buzzing] 331 00:12:30,880 --> 00:12:33,491 Mancuso, you've done it again. 332 00:12:33,622 --> 00:12:35,711 [gunfire] 333 00:12:35,842 --> 00:12:37,017 - [bell dinging] - Aah! 334 00:12:38,105 --> 00:12:39,715 Careful, there! I've -- 335 00:12:39,846 --> 00:12:41,021 Janitor! You have to help me. 336 00:12:41,151 --> 00:12:42,892 I need to find the main circuit breaker 337 00:12:43,023 --> 00:12:44,546 so I can cut power to the entire mall. 338 00:12:44,676 --> 00:12:45,895 Easy, buddy. Nice and -- 339 00:12:46,026 --> 00:12:47,941 Please, Janitor, we have to hurry. 340 00:12:48,071 --> 00:12:49,899 Well, I'm already in a hurry. 341 00:12:50,030 --> 00:12:52,119 It's my wife Daisy's birthday tomorrow, 342 00:12:52,249 --> 00:12:54,861 and if I don't get her some of those chocolate bonbons 343 00:12:54,991 --> 00:12:56,142 she loves, I'm gonna be pulling 344 00:12:56,166 --> 00:12:58,865 rolling-pin splinters out of my backside. 345 00:12:58,995 --> 00:13:00,475 [laughs] 346 00:13:00,605 --> 00:13:02,085 Janitors can get married? 347 00:13:03,086 --> 00:13:03,913 [explosion reverberating] 348 00:13:04,044 --> 00:13:05,480 - [bell dinging] - Aah! 349 00:13:06,307 --> 00:13:07,830 Listen! How could I know all this? 350 00:13:07,961 --> 00:13:10,354 Your wife's name is Daisy. It's her birthday tomorrow. 351 00:13:10,485 --> 00:13:11,747 She loves chocolate bonbons -- 352 00:13:11,878 --> 00:13:13,096 You been [bleep] my wife?! 353 00:13:13,227 --> 00:13:15,925 [grunts] I'll kill you, you son of a bitch! 354 00:13:16,056 --> 00:13:18,014 - [grunting] - Stop it! 355 00:13:18,145 --> 00:13:20,060 - You've gone mad with rosacea! - [groans] 356 00:13:20,190 --> 00:13:21,931 - [bell dinging] - Aah! 357 00:13:22,845 --> 00:13:24,760 Look, I know this sounds crazy, 358 00:13:24,891 --> 00:13:26,893 but I'm in some kind of time loop. 359 00:13:27,023 --> 00:13:28,503 Say no more! What do you need? 360 00:13:28,633 --> 00:13:31,680 To... get to the main circuit breaker. 361 00:13:31,811 --> 00:13:32,855 Gotcha. 362 00:13:32,986 --> 00:13:34,988 These are the blueprints to the whole mall. 363 00:13:35,118 --> 00:13:36,139 Now, how long's your loop? 364 00:13:36,163 --> 00:13:38,034 Uh, I... five minutes? Uh... 365 00:13:38,165 --> 00:13:40,167 [whistles] Gonna be tight. 366 00:13:40,297 --> 00:13:43,692 We can find you a path there, but you're gonna have to do... 367 00:13:43,823 --> 00:13:46,129 The perfect five minutes. 368 00:13:46,260 --> 00:13:47,565 [explosion reverberating] 369 00:13:47,696 --> 00:13:48,915 - [bell dinging] - Aah! 370 00:13:49,567 --> 00:13:50,873 Slow down! 371 00:13:51,004 --> 00:13:54,007 What are you, in a damn time loop or something?! 372 00:14:04,495 --> 00:14:09,631 ♪♪ 373 00:14:09,761 --> 00:14:10,632 [coughs] 374 00:14:10,762 --> 00:14:17,552 ♪♪ 375 00:14:17,682 --> 00:14:18,553 Hi! Can I -- 376 00:14:18,683 --> 00:14:20,120 There's no time! 377 00:14:20,250 --> 00:14:21,991 Sweat-wicking Nulux leggings 378 00:14:22,122 --> 00:14:24,385 for optimally reduced wind resistance. 379 00:14:24,515 --> 00:14:31,218 ♪♪ 380 00:14:31,348 --> 00:14:33,350 Order for Big Stanno. 381 00:14:35,744 --> 00:14:36,963 [screaming] 382 00:14:37,093 --> 00:14:38,660 [glass shatters] 383 00:14:38,790 --> 00:14:40,009 - [bell dinging] - Aah! 384 00:14:40,140 --> 00:14:41,141 [laughs] 385 00:14:41,271 --> 00:14:43,926 No hot chocolate this time unless I save my family. 386 00:14:44,057 --> 00:14:45,536 That will be my reward. 387 00:14:47,190 --> 00:14:48,061 Can I help y-- [grunts] 388 00:14:48,191 --> 00:14:51,194 CROWD: 10, 9, 8, 7, 389 00:14:51,325 --> 00:14:54,241 6, 5, 4, 390 00:14:54,371 --> 00:14:57,461 3, 2, 1! 391 00:14:57,592 --> 00:14:59,159 [powering down] 392 00:15:04,207 --> 00:15:05,861 [crowd murmuring] 393 00:15:05,992 --> 00:15:08,342 Anyone want a hit of this skin cream? 394 00:15:10,431 --> 00:15:11,867 I did it. 395 00:15:11,998 --> 00:15:13,129 They're gonna live. 396 00:15:13,260 --> 00:15:15,175 I warned you this would happen! 397 00:15:15,305 --> 00:15:17,612 The power's gonna go out, I said! 398 00:15:17,742 --> 00:15:19,962 No tree makes a fool of Vic Mancuso! 399 00:15:20,093 --> 00:15:21,093 [grunts] 400 00:15:23,139 --> 00:15:25,489 [creaking, rattling] 401 00:15:25,620 --> 00:15:26,838 [line whipping] 402 00:15:32,714 --> 00:15:37,937 ♪♪ 403 00:15:38,067 --> 00:15:40,026 Mm? [groans lightly] 404 00:15:41,288 --> 00:15:42,506 [all groaning quietly] 405 00:15:42,637 --> 00:15:47,859 ♪♪ 406 00:15:47,990 --> 00:15:49,252 [gasps] 407 00:15:52,038 --> 00:15:53,039 I got this. 408 00:15:54,388 --> 00:15:56,651 May I place my hand underneath your armpit? 409 00:15:56,781 --> 00:15:58,870 [bear growls] 410 00:15:59,001 --> 00:16:00,046 [splat] 411 00:16:05,442 --> 00:16:07,183 - [bell dinging] - Aah! 412 00:16:07,314 --> 00:16:08,924 Careful, there! 413 00:16:09,055 --> 00:16:10,665 How do I make it stop?! 414 00:16:10,795 --> 00:16:12,449 Nothing I do matters! 415 00:16:12,580 --> 00:16:14,930 I just want to die and stay dead! 416 00:16:15,061 --> 00:16:16,105 Whoooa, now! 417 00:16:16,236 --> 00:16:20,109 Sounds like someone's got a caseof the time-loop blues. 418 00:16:20,240 --> 00:16:23,721 "You can make right what once went wrong." 419 00:16:23,852 --> 00:16:25,027 But I can't! 420 00:16:25,158 --> 00:16:28,161 No matter what I do or how perfectly I do it, 421 00:16:28,291 --> 00:16:30,076 they always still die! 422 00:16:30,206 --> 00:16:31,947 The cookie's bullshit, Janitor! 423 00:16:32,078 --> 00:16:36,952 Well, maybe what you can "make right" isn't the disaster, 424 00:16:37,083 --> 00:16:39,868 but the way you treated your family? 425 00:16:39,999 --> 00:16:41,087 How? I only have 426 00:16:41,217 --> 00:16:44,046 these same 5 measly minutes over and over again. 427 00:16:44,177 --> 00:16:45,917 Not over and over. 428 00:16:46,048 --> 00:16:48,137 See the lucky numbers here on your fortune? 429 00:16:48,268 --> 00:16:50,096 Classic time-loop countdown. 430 00:16:50,226 --> 00:16:53,055 I'd say you only got three loops left. 431 00:16:53,186 --> 00:16:54,491 Wow. 432 00:16:54,622 --> 00:16:57,059 You are the wisest janitor I've ever met. 433 00:16:57,190 --> 00:16:59,931 Well, next to the one at Arby's who told me to check out 434 00:17:00,062 --> 00:17:01,237 The Bastard Executioner. 435 00:17:01,368 --> 00:17:03,152 It did not disappoint. 436 00:17:03,283 --> 00:17:05,981 I watched the whole thing like this. 437 00:17:06,112 --> 00:17:08,375 Anyway... 438 00:17:08,505 --> 00:17:10,812 You can either waste your last few loops 439 00:17:10,942 --> 00:17:14,033 running around trying to save your family, 440 00:17:14,163 --> 00:17:16,383 or you can spend them being with them. 441 00:17:16,513 --> 00:17:18,037 Your choice. 442 00:17:18,167 --> 00:17:19,995 Yep, they ain't ever easy, 443 00:17:20,126 --> 00:17:22,345 these magical time-loop situations. 444 00:17:22,476 --> 00:17:24,956 Body-switching vice-versas, same thing. 445 00:17:25,087 --> 00:17:27,350 I-I'm in one right now, matter of fact. 446 00:17:27,481 --> 00:17:29,831 [whispering] I'm actually a little boy. 447 00:17:29,961 --> 00:17:31,401 That explains why you kept telling me 448 00:17:31,441 --> 00:17:33,487 how strong your dad was earlier. 449 00:17:33,617 --> 00:17:35,576 Which I still don't believe. 450 00:17:35,706 --> 00:17:37,404 [explosion reverberating, people screaming] 451 00:17:37,534 --> 00:17:38,534 [laughs] 452 00:17:43,932 --> 00:17:45,092 So, let me get this straight. 453 00:17:45,194 --> 00:17:47,805 You're in a body-swap situation, 454 00:17:47,936 --> 00:17:50,286 and you're actually an 85-year-old 455 00:17:50,417 --> 00:17:51,983 French-Canadian bus driver? 456 00:17:52,114 --> 00:17:55,161 - STAN: Francine? - [sighing] All right, Stan. 457 00:17:55,291 --> 00:17:56,510 You caught me. 458 00:17:56,727 --> 00:17:58,947 I'll head over to Santa's workshop like you wanted. 459 00:17:59,078 --> 00:18:02,385 No! We're gonna do something you want to do now. 460 00:18:02,516 --> 00:18:04,996 Garçon, give us both the works. 461 00:18:05,127 --> 00:18:06,520 [whistles] 462 00:18:06,650 --> 00:18:09,523 I was so hung up on making this a perfect day 463 00:18:09,653 --> 00:18:10,741 for the family... 464 00:18:11,133 --> 00:18:12,415 [groans] ...that I lost sight of the fact that... 465 00:18:12,439 --> 00:18:13,831 Aah! 466 00:18:13,962 --> 00:18:15,418 ...the day was already perfect because... 467 00:18:15,442 --> 00:18:17,052 Mother[bleep] 468 00:18:17,183 --> 00:18:18,445 ...I was with my family. 469 00:18:18,575 --> 00:18:20,229 And I'm sorry for that. 470 00:18:20,360 --> 00:18:21,404 Oh, Stan! 471 00:18:21,535 --> 00:18:23,319 I'd kiss you if this chain 472 00:18:23,450 --> 00:18:26,105 weren't connecting my upper lip to my belly button. 473 00:18:26,235 --> 00:18:28,629 I'm just glad we got to spend some time together before 474 00:18:28,759 --> 00:18:31,806 we're consumed by a bone-meltingtsunami of fire. 475 00:18:31,936 --> 00:18:33,416 Aw, me too. 476 00:18:33,547 --> 00:18:34,765 - [bell tolling] - Wait, what?! 477 00:18:34,896 --> 00:18:36,576 [explosion reverberating, people screaming] 478 00:18:36,680 --> 00:18:38,813 Do you have any balls that feature Tweety Bird 479 00:18:38,943 --> 00:18:40,554 dressed up all street? 480 00:18:40,684 --> 00:18:42,295 STAN: Think fast! 481 00:18:42,425 --> 00:18:44,645 How about a little one-on-one with your old man? 482 00:18:44,775 --> 00:18:45,820 Best to 11. 483 00:18:45,950 --> 00:18:47,387 Or whoever's ahead when we die. 484 00:18:47,517 --> 00:18:48,562 I'd like that. 485 00:18:48,692 --> 00:18:50,346 - Ohh! - My ball! 486 00:18:50,477 --> 00:18:52,043 Michael Jordan! 487 00:18:52,087 --> 00:18:53,306 Larry Bird! 488 00:18:53,436 --> 00:18:54,263 Air Bud! 489 00:18:54,394 --> 00:18:56,396 Air Bud 2: Golden Receiver! 490 00:18:56,526 --> 00:18:57,919 For the Love of Benji! 491 00:18:58,049 --> 00:18:59,138 Turner and Hooch! 492 00:18:59,268 --> 00:19:00,443 Dog Day Afternoon! 493 00:19:00,574 --> 00:19:03,229 BOTH: Beverly Hills Chihuahua! 494 00:19:03,359 --> 00:19:05,579 [both laughing] 495 00:19:05,709 --> 00:19:08,364 That was a lot of fun. Thanks, Dad. 496 00:19:08,495 --> 00:19:09,495 [bell tolling] 497 00:19:09,539 --> 00:19:11,628 And here comes the fireball. 498 00:19:11,759 --> 00:19:13,456 [explosion reverberating, people screaming] 499 00:19:13,587 --> 00:19:16,372 Let's just get this over with, shall we? 500 00:19:16,503 --> 00:19:19,462 Steve! My first and now certainly only son! 501 00:19:19,593 --> 00:19:20,985 Let's bond. 502 00:19:21,160 --> 00:19:22,702 Uh, I'm kind of in the middle of something right now. 503 00:19:22,726 --> 00:19:24,815 Okay, you're here. You love tech. 504 00:19:24,946 --> 00:19:26,382 Let's play computer together! 505 00:19:26,513 --> 00:19:28,297 Any of these things do Leisure Suit Larry? 506 00:19:28,428 --> 00:19:29,864 Um, who is this guy? 507 00:19:29,994 --> 00:19:31,431 Don't worry about it, jerk. 508 00:19:31,561 --> 00:19:34,129 Who do you have such a contentious relationship 509 00:19:34,260 --> 00:19:36,087 with this simple, hardworking genius? 510 00:19:36,218 --> 00:19:38,438 Because this genius hacked my computer, 511 00:19:38,568 --> 00:19:40,179 and if I don't pay him off right now, 512 00:19:40,309 --> 00:19:42,703 he's gonna put out a video of me whacking it, okay?! 513 00:19:42,833 --> 00:19:44,400 [gasps, murmurs] 514 00:19:44,531 --> 00:19:45,662 I said come alone. 515 00:19:45,793 --> 00:19:46,837 Deal's off. 516 00:19:46,968 --> 00:19:48,187 [click] 517 00:19:48,317 --> 00:19:50,276 Ugh, what a day! 518 00:19:50,406 --> 00:19:51,625 [gasps] 519 00:19:51,755 --> 00:19:55,194 Time to relax with a little hand-to-gland combat. 520 00:19:55,324 --> 00:19:56,847 [chuckles] 521 00:19:56,978 --> 00:19:58,545 [crowd murmuring] 522 00:19:58,675 --> 00:20:00,460 Hey! That's our lotion! 523 00:20:00,590 --> 00:20:02,331 Allison... 524 00:20:02,462 --> 00:20:03,898 Janney... 525 00:20:04,028 --> 00:20:06,683 SafeSearch off. 526 00:20:06,814 --> 00:20:09,077 [as Borat] Mm, very nice! 527 00:20:09,208 --> 00:20:10,339 [normal voice] All right. 528 00:20:10,470 --> 00:20:12,211 Let's dig on in down here 529 00:20:12,341 --> 00:20:14,952 and really show this little bastard who's boss. 530 00:20:15,997 --> 00:20:17,303 [zipper rasps, crowd gasps] 531 00:20:18,521 --> 00:20:20,436 - Oh, no! - Not what we're here to see! 532 00:20:20,567 --> 00:20:22,308 WOMAN: What is this?! 533 00:20:22,438 --> 00:20:24,397 [tapping on mic, feedback screeches] 534 00:20:24,527 --> 00:20:26,225 Ladies and gentlemen, clearly, 535 00:20:26,355 --> 00:20:28,488 Christmas at the Langley has been ruined. 536 00:20:28,618 --> 00:20:31,578 There will be no holiday celebration this year. 537 00:20:31,708 --> 00:20:34,102 May God have mercy on our souls. 538 00:20:34,233 --> 00:20:36,409 [vehicles whirring, beeping] 539 00:20:36,539 --> 00:20:38,802 They're taking it all down. 540 00:20:38,933 --> 00:20:40,413 [sighing] It's over. 541 00:20:40,543 --> 00:20:42,763 Sorry I ruined our family's big day, Dad. 542 00:20:42,893 --> 00:20:44,373 Are you kidding me? 543 00:20:44,504 --> 00:20:46,201 This is the perfect day, 544 00:20:46,332 --> 00:20:49,465 the perfect start to a perfect Christmas. 545 00:20:49,596 --> 00:20:54,731 ♪ Ohh, ohhhhhh, oh ♪ 546 00:20:54,862 --> 00:20:56,342 ♪♪ 547 00:20:56,472 --> 00:20:59,040 ♪ Rockin' around the Christmas tree ♪ 548 00:20:59,170 --> 00:21:02,391 ♪ At the Christmas party hop ♪ 549 00:21:02,522 --> 00:21:04,393 Bye! Have a great time!