Original subtitles

SPENCE: The High Council has reached a verdict.

Guilty!

(BREATHING HEAVILY) You taught the KOK handshake to a girl.

Dude, what were you thinking?

ALL: (CHANTING) Boo-la, boo-la, boo-la.

Boo-la, boo-la, boo-la, boo-la.

Boo-la, boo-la, boo-la, boo-la, boo-la.

(MUSIC PLAYING IN DISTANCE) Spence, are you done yet? We need this...

(GROANS) ...room for the bobsled.

Jiminy cricket.

God damn it, Dave!

ADAM: Mush, I say!

Mush! Ow!

Oh, come on!

Change of plans, boys. Someone ralphed all over the living room.

We need to relocate. You guys, out.

Hey, I will not tolerate insubordination during my ceremony.

Oh, just relax.

Look, I thought that your mask was really scary this time. Mmm-hmm.

You two "fraternity brothers" think you can do whatever you want

in this house, right? Wrong.

I'm the President!

Dave? What's that, Adam?

I think it's time the President got laid.

DAVE: Hmm.

Fuck you.

(MUSIC CONTINUES) (INDISTINCT TALKING)

LEAH: Fight sexism, support feminism!

Don't fall victim to the antiquated standards of femininity.

Be proud to be a woman.

Look, by going in there tonight,

you're enabling the same misogynistic mores

that kept women in bondage for the past 5,000 years.

They do bondage. (ALL GIGGLE)

Let's go. Thanks.

Wait, if you just...

Fight fe... Sexism.

Listen, that last girl you set me up with was great.

Really beautiful.

I'm just... I don't know.

I guess I want someone I can have an actual conversation with.

Can you find that girl, Brutus?

(WHINING) Go get her, boy. Go. (SNAPS)

(PANTING)

(BARKING)

(LOUD HEAVY METAL MUSIC PLAYS)

Fire in the hole!

(SLINGSHOT SNAPS)

It's good distance.

You're still pulling to the right.

Who was that girl handing out the paper thingies?

Oh, she's the lame-ass president of the DOG house.

She's always protesting something.

That bitch had the nerve to call me shallow. (SCOFFS)

God, you look so thin.

Thanks.

(LAUGHS)

(SLURRING) I don't even remember that year, man!

(DOOFER LAUGHS)

I don't remember that year either.

Is that me?

You weren't even here!

I don't remember if I was...

(UP-TEMPO FOLK MUSIC PLAYS)

(GROWLS) Oh!

(GROWLING CONTINUES) Oh...

DAVE: Oh, hey, there you are.

Oh, I'm sorry. Is he bothering you?

Um... (BRUTUS BARKS)

No.

No.

You know, "a woman's face with nature's own hand painted

"has thou, the master-mistress of my passion."

I heard you drive a Beemer.

(CHUCKLES) Ah...

Bad dog. (WHINING)

(GROWLS)

(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)

(ADAM TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

Um, who let the Yeti in?

Argh!

Doofer!

Doof!

What?

Come on, man, leave her alone.

She's not bothering anyone.

Doofer, think of the house.

We let one dog in, next thing you know, we'll have three.

Okay.

Pledge!

Pledge!

♪ What'd I say ♪

I'm still the dogcatcher.

(BELCHES) Excuse me.

(WHISTLE BLOWS)

Dogcatcher!

ALL: Dogcatcher? Whoo-hoo-hoo!

(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)

(LAUGHTER)

If the boys at KOK want war, then DOG will give them war!

(GIRLS APPLAUDING)

Evelyn Wheelwright founded this sorority with a mission.

A mission to bring equality and respect to all sisters.

(GIRLS APPLAUDING)

Thanks to Patty's heroic efforts tonight...

Wow. Thank you, Patty.

(GROANS)

We now have actual footage of what is going on at a typical KOK party.

See for yourselves.

(GIRLS GASPING) Look at the degradation, the manipulation.

(GROANING)

And these poor Tri Pis think that they're having fun.

But they're actually being exploited and objectified.

(GROANING INTENSIFIES)

(SPEAKING FRENCH INDISTINCTLY)

And this is going on across the street, day after day.

What we just all... (GLASS SHATTERS)

(GIRLS GROAN)

(CHEERING)

Direct hit.

(WHIRRING) (DOGS SCREAMING)

(LEAH GRUNTING)

(SIZZLING)

It's big. (GRUNTING CONTINUES)

Whew!

This must stop.

(WHIRRING)

♪ It's a beautiful morning

♪ Ahhh

(SNORING) ♪ I think I'll go outside for a while

♪ And just smile

♪ Just take in some clean fresh air, boy

♪ Ain't no sense in stayin' inside (COUGHS)

♪ If the weather's fine and you've got the time

♪ Ooh ♪ It's your chance to wake up and plan

♪ Another brand-new day

♪ Either way

♪ It's a beautiful morning

♪ Ahhh ♪

ADAM: I just had the best dream, Dave. Oh, yeah?

Yeah...

And I never even went to sleep.

(CHUCKLES)

Hey, girls.

(GROANS)

Hi. (BELCHES)

Ew! (LAUGHS)

So, I thought maybe we could get together later and do something fun.

Tri Pi's are having a barbecue.

That sounds awesome.

GIRL 1: And after that, we could go someplace and talk.

Okay.

(DOOR CREAKS)

(ALL CHEERING)

ALL: (CHANTING) The girl was fair who went upstairs with her favorite KOK.

She knocked around and came back down, and now she takes the walk.

The walk of shame, she's not to blame.

Who could resist the KOK?

The walk of shame, she found her fame... Smile!

...and now she takes the walk!

(ALL CHEERING) (CHUCKLES)

Oh, yeah.

(HUMMING)

"Who could resist the KOK?

"Walk of shame...

"Now she takes the walk."

(THUDS) GIRL 2: Argh!

Classic.

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)

Jeez, bro.

You were cutting some fine ass last night.

You had two, and I had none.

I mean, I'm lucky to catch a little runoff.

(SIGHS)

What should I do, bro?

Look, if a guy like you wants to bring his numbers up,

you're gonna have to bring the quality down.

Way down. (BANGING)

I hereby call to order this emergency session

of the 32nd Chapter of Kappa Omicron Kappa.

Come on! Quiet!

Shut the fuck up!

(TALKING STOPS)

Thank you, Big Johnson.

Gentlemen, we are here

to discuss the KOK-tail cruise.

(ALL MURMURING)

Let me remind you of the story of Pete Young, KOK Class of '95.

Now, Pete never took a single test.

Pete fell out of his bedroom window twice.

Where's Pete today?

Pete is pulling down $150k a year

all because some alum got a little play on the KOK-tail cruise.

Then there's the story of the '88 KOK-tail cruise.

Those boys decided to, to skimp on the party.

Homemade wine coolers, a homeless stripper,

soft-core porn.

Needless to say, the boys of '88

are still paying off their student loans.

I have no regrets.

That is why I've called this meeting.

This year's cruise is in grave danger.

'Cause you'll be there?

(ALL LAUGHING)

Will the Social Committee please rise?

(CLEARS THROAT)

(CHAIRS SQUEAKING)

Gentlemen, the brothers standing before you

have embezzled all of your parents' hard-earned money.

(CHUCKLES)

Yeah, very funny, Spencer.

Look, the money's in the safe. I just checked it.

Then you won't mind showing us, then.

DAVE: What the... Aw!

Okay. All right.

What the fuck? Where's the money?

Exactly.

Where is the money?

These gentlemen have seriously jeopardized our futures.

(ALL SHOUTING)

ALL: (CHANTING) Boo-la, boo-la.

DOOFER: I say we split up the money

and we go our separate ways, man.

Doofer, we didn't steal that money.

We didn't?

What just happened?

Maybe you left the safe open

and we got ripped off. I locked it.

Look, Spence has the only other key.

Yeah? Well, what the fuck are we gonna do now?

Look, don't worry about it. I'll figure it out. Figure it out.

Let me deal with my father first,

and then I'll get us back in the house, okay?

(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER) Jesus, Dave. You look like a mess.

Oh, well, you know life at the house.

I remember. Things get pretty crazy, huh?

Yeah, crazy. (CHUCKLES)

Good news, son.

John Kloss, Class of '54, is coming to the KOK-tail cruise.

I've set up an interview for you.

Oh, that's great. Great?

Impress John, and he'll groom you to be his number two.

In 10 years, you could be running the biggest

annuity and liability brokerage in the country.

All your hard work in college will pay off.

Okay, Dad. Boys, you all know Dave.

He's head of the KOK Social Committee.

He tells me he's going to throw

the mother of all KOK-tail cruises this year.

Yeah, it's gonna be incredible.

It's Dave's last year at the KOK-house,

and we all know what that means.

Oh, yeah. No more free ass.

(BOTH LAUGH)

Show us the strut, son.

ALL: (CHANTING) Strut. Strut. Strut.

(CHANTING LOUDLY) Strut! Strut! Strut!

(LAUGHING) (CHANTING CONTINUES)

(CRICKETS CHIRPING)

DOOFER: Hey, Dave, did they make you do the strut?

(CROONING WITH LAUGHTER) Yeah.

(CHUCKLES)

(SNIFFS)

John Kloss is gonna be there this year.

My dad set up an interview for me.

What?

Awesome, dude. Oh. (SNIFFS)

You get the job with Kloss, you turn around, you hire us. We're set.

Dude, I'm not gonna get the job with Kloss

if he thinks I stole money from KOK, and neither are you.

Oh, thanks for dragging me down with you.

We just need to prove that Spence stole the money.

Well, although I hardly feel like

this is the appropriate time to bring it up, what about the videotape, man?

What videotape?

The videotape of Adam humping the Tri Pis, man.

Hmm?

Doofer, what are you saying?

DOOFER: Well, I'd just finished studying for some school,

when I noticed Adam's speaker was tipped over.

On the floor was a little video camera rigged to a motion detector.

I found a thing.

I noticed that its input cable had come loose,

so I carefully traced it to its source.

I got a thing. (GROANS)

It led to a metal footlocker at the bottom of Adam's closet,

which was, you know, already unlocked.

(GRUNTING)

(GUNSHOTS)

Inside, I found a video cassette recorder.

Well, naturally, since it was his private property, I didn't touch anything.

(BOTH GROANING)

You could see the safe right by his bed.

You were watching my tape?

(IN LOW VOICE) No.

(PANTING AND MOANING ON TV)

You're a pervert! You're a pervert!

(GRUNTING) You're a pervert!

No, no. Hey, hey, hey.

Come on. Come on. This is great.

Look, Spence is gonna be on videotape.

Look, we need to sneak back into the house, get the tape,

and we're back in KOK, all right?

Well, how do we get in, Dave?

Tonight's the All Trim party,

and the only thing walking through that door is tits.

(ALL BREATHING HEAVILY)

I got a plan.

(SONG PLAYING)

(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)

Jeez-ass!

Mmm... ♪ Oh, yes, it's ladies night

(ALL GIGGLING) ♪ And the feeling's right

(CLEARS THROAT)

(MIMICKING A WOMAN) Um... Hi.

We're here for the, um, KOK All Trim...

I mean, all girl party.

(ALL GIGGLE)

♪ Y'all got one

Move.

(GRUNTS)

♪ From New York to Hollywood

Act normal.

♪ It's ladies night

♪ And, girl, the feeling's good

All right, you get the tape. We'll split up. Okay?

♪ And the feeling's right Okay.

♪ Oh, yes, it's ladies night

♪ Oh, what a night

♪ Oh, what a night ♪ Oh, yes, it's ladies night ♪

(GASPS)

Hey, nonny-nonny.

Excuse me. Is this your room?

It is now.

Since I'm the new head of the Social Committee.

Did Little Red Riding Hood lose her way to Grandma's bathroom?

Yes.

I have to tinkle.

(RAPID FOOTSTEPS) (DOOR SLAMS)

So, tell me your name, and I won't follow you home tonight.

Uh... Dina.

What?

Adina. My name is Adina. What are you doing?

Oops.

(GASPS)

It gets a lot bigger.

I gotta go!

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

GIRL 1: This barrel thingy isn't working.

GIRL 2: Yeah, it's, like, total foam.

(MIMICKING A WOMAN) Just like a man.

Always laying around while we do all the work.

Right, ladies? (GIGGLES)

Why don't you go back to your cave? (GASPS)

Twat. (GASPS)

(SCOFFS)

(SHUDDERING)

Any sign of Adam? No.

(GRUNTS)

(IN NORMAL VOICE) Jimmy moved into our old room.

I couldn't get past him. (SIGHS)

This dress is too goddamn tight. Well, I told you.

Yeah, well, you don't have the best selection

when you shop at Goodwill, all right?

(WHISTLE BLOWS)

PLEDGE: Dogcatcher!

Fuckin' love this. (CHUCKLES)

(CHEERING)

(LAUGHS) See ya later, big fat uglies!

Yeah!

(HIGH-PITCHED GROANING) Frat assholes!

Oh, I hate them!

Just because you guys are plus-size girls... (HIGH-PITCHED MOANING)

...it doesn't mean they have to be so mean.

Oh, are you okay? God.

(GROANING CONTINUES)

(IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Well, we gotta go.

Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Have you guys pledged a house, or... Or do you... Do you want anything?

(IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) No. Come on. Well, are you hungry?

♪ Girl

♪ You'll be a woman soon ♪

So, where did you girls say you were from again?

(INDISTINCT DIFFERENT ANSWERS)

Well, we, we transferred. (CHUCKLES)

Well, um, good.

We're... We're in the middle of a membership drive.

Yeah. Free room and board your first semester if you pledge DOG. (CHUCKLES)

But... But no pressure, really.

Are you sure we should let them in?

They're a real pack of barkers. Mmm-hmm.

That is exactly the type of attitude

that we have to fight against, Susie.

I mean, DOG doesn't give in to...

(BELCHING) ...media images of what a woman should be.

We need to welcome all types.

(IN NORMAL VOICE) Let's pledge. (SPITS)

(IN NORMAL VOICE) Yeah, good one.

No, it's only one night.

No, we take care of business, and we're back in KOK.

No fuckin' way.

Doofer, what do you think?

I pledged 20 minutes ago, man.

(CHUCKLES) Come on in.

Here we are.

Oh! It's fully furnished,

compliments of last year's seniors.

(CHUCKLING) But it's... It's nothing fancy.

Make yourselves at home.

This place is so clean.

Ooh, candles. (CHUCKLES)

Welcome to Delta Omicron Gamma.

Whoo. (BOTH CHUCKLE)

(ALL SIGH)

Ooh. (CHUCKLES)

This place is great.

Look, let's at least join Tri Pis,

where there's something to look at.

Look at us. We're not exactly Tri Pi material.

Yeah? Well, what about clothes? We don't have any more money!

Don't worry about it, man.

There's all kinds of leftover shit in here.

Oh, my God, man. Look at this little handbag.

This'll go perfect with my shoesies. Holy...

So, most of us know each other from last semester,

but there are a few new faces.

(CHUCKLES)

So let's go around the room...

(GIGGLES) ...and share something about ourselves.

I'm Leah, House President.

And, as most of you know, I can get a little serious about things.

(CHUCKLES)

(ALL CHUCKLING) LEAH: Maybe even a little too serious. (CHUCKLES)

(IN HIGH-PITCH) That is so true. Isn't it, girls? Isn't it? Isn't it?

Mmm-hmm. Sure is. Sure it is.

So, how 'bout you?

My name is Adina, and I like sports. Football mostly.

Great...

LEAH: Adina.

How about you?

Well... Well, my name's Daisy.

That's a pretty name. DAVE: Oh, thank you.

I was named after my grandmother's sister on my mother's side.

And I have to agree with what you were saying before.

You know, I look around campus, and I see the way that guys treat women.

And as a woman, you know, I'm not asking for anything

other than the respect that any normal person deserves, you know?

Yeah.

(IN FRENCH ACCENT) Hi. I am an exchange from France, no?

I love your American way.

Those skyscrapers and, and, and the baseball.

Oh! And, and those toilets that flush.

(SPEAKING FRENCH) (GIRLS CHUCKLING)

(STUTTERING) And I try and get boys to like me,

and, and they run away, and I try and run after them,

but I can't 'cause, 'cause, 'cause one leg's shorter than the other!

It's because of my voice, isn't it?

ALL: No, not at all.

Not at all.

You guys are super-duper!

(WHEEZING LAUGHTER)

(IN DEEP VOICE) Um...

My name is Patty.

Hi. And as you can see, I'm a giant.

I just want to fit in...

To anything.

My clothes, my car.

I'm a very gentle person.

(GASPS)

You're beautiful to us, Patty.

Thanks.

That helps.

Okay, that leaves one other girl that we haven't heard from.

(GASPS)

Would you like to share something personal with the group?

Robert, uh...

Roberta. (CHUCKLES)

(CHUCKLES)

Um, personal?

Mmm-hmm.

Well, um... My name is Roberta.

And...

I'm addicted to porn, and I masturbate constantly.

Pillow fight! Pillow fight!

Oh!

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

DAVE: Roberta, stop! Stop!

(SNIFFS)

(GROANS)

(SNORING)

(SIGHING) Finally.

(IN NORMAL VOICE) Oh, yeah.

DAVE: Oh, yeah.

Hello? Uh...

(IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Yeah?

Who is that? I don't have my contacts on.

Oh, it's, uh... It's me...

DAVE: Daisy.

LEAH: (CHUCKLES) Oh.

I hope you saved me some hot water.

(IN NORMAL VOICE) Wow.

What? (IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Ow...

Ow. I got a little soap in my eyes.

Oh, God. This warm water feels so good.

Uh-huh.

(GIGGLES)

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

(SIGHING)

DAVE: Ooh!

Well, I'm clean.

Clean, clean, clean.

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

How do I look?

Well, I...

Personally, I think you look better with two tits.

Yeah. Oh, shit, man. What happened to my other...

ADAM: Hey!

You're eating my bosom!

(GAGGING)

Look, uh, just try to pay a little more attention to the details, you know?

Yeah. We don't have to be babes. Just believable.

You know, by this time tomorrow, we'll be back in the house.

And after that, we repress and deny any memories of this whole experience, right?

(IMITATES RETCHING) I look like shit.

No, you don't. Yeah, I do. I look like shit.

No, you don't. You look beautiful.

That's easy for you to say. You're pretty.

(CHUCKLING) Oh, thanks, you know,

I just kind of threw it together, and, you know...

Oh.

Aren't you, uh, late for class, you know?

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, I'll see you guys later.

Okay. I gots to get!

(MUSIC PLAYING)

♪ You're always dancing down the street

(GRUNTS) Damn it.

♪ With your suede blue eyes

Suck my dick.

♪ Every new boy that you meet

♪ He doesn't know the real surprise

♪ Here she comes again

♪ When she's dancing 'neath the starry sky

♪ Ooh, she'll make you flip

♪ Here she comes again

♪ When she's dancing 'neath the starry sky

♪ I kinda like the way she dips ♪

In our exploration of the text,

we will learn about objectification, subjugation, and obfuscation.

(DOOR CLOSES)

Um, excuse me.

I think you're in the wrong class.

This is Women's Studies, 2B: Femalehood in Crisis.

Which satisfies my History of Consciousness requirement, right?

Have a seat, please.

Mmm-hmm.

(CLEARS THROAT)

The primary text is my study, Histrionics and the Male Demographic:

Examination of Gender Economics, 1971 through 1976.

Oh.

(BOTH GRUNTING)

Party last night was awesome, bro.

Thanks for putting up the cash.

Hey, whatever it takes to preserve the reputation of KOK,

even if it means paying for everything out of my own pocket.

(CHUCKLES)

(YELLS)

My collarbone!

(CHUCKLES) Well, well, well.

Co-inky dinky, my stinky pinky.

Here we are again.

Excuse me.

Phone moi.

(INHALES DEEPLY)

(MOANS)

Next class will be a detailed discussion

on the myth of the male orgasm.

To be prepared... What the...

...please read Chapters 1 through 16.

I strongly recommend a study partner.

(BELL RINGS) (INDISTINCT TALKING)

So, you know, would you... Would you like to, uh...

Fine.

Great.

WOMAN: (ON TELEVISION) Let it burn! Come on, people! Work it!

COMMENTATOR: Here it is again. She goes up, and she is fouled hard.

Hey. Oh, shit!

(IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Oh! Ooh! (CHUCKLING) Sorry.

You startled old Roberta.

You shouldn't be watching TV anyway, Roberta.

Ooh. Your name's up on the work wheel.

It's your turn to clean the bathroom.

Okay.

Ugh. I thought guys were pigs.

Plaque all over the place...

Teeth scum... What the hell is this?

Oh, my God!

God damn! Ugh!

It's a fuckin' Wookiee, man.

(IMITATES CHEWBACCA)

Sick.

Oh! Ugh!

Man, these chicks are disgusting.

(KATIE SOBBING)

Oh, great.

(SOBBING CONTINUES)

(DISHES CRASH) (IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Ooh! Ooh!

(SNIFFLES)

(SOBBING) Roberta!

Ooh...

It's okay.

It's all right, dear. Shh.

(SOBBING)

Yeah.

Oh... Oh, sorry.

Oh. Some... Some... Some...

Some...

Some guy put this on my desk in class today!

I am not deaf!

Well, we... We should all be so lucky. (CHUCKLES)

Hey, listen. Listen.

Shh. Shh.

You... You forget him.

Your voice has real...

Real...

Personality.

Really?

Yes, it does.

(BOTH LAUGH)

(WHEEZING LAUGHTER)

Okay. Okay!

Now, listen, you forget about him,

and you go and have some fun. Fun, fun, fun.

(HORN HONKS)

Fat-ass dog girl!

(BARKS)

(LAUGHS)

(SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY)

Mother's ass!

Why do you let them treat you like this?

You can't be a bunch of pussies...

(ALL GASP)

...your whole lives!

I hate this place.

Whoo! PMS!

Ugh!

Hey, Doof. Hey, what do you think of this?

I borrowed it from Leah.

Huh?

That is pretty.

Hmm?

Wish I could fit into a size 6, man.

Fuck all!

I can't take this!

Hey, what do you think of this?

Do you think I'd look good in this, like a midriff and the thing?

No, no. You need something more that, you know,

something that accentuates your curves more.

What the fuck is going on here?

(SCOFFS) What's your problem?

What's my problem?

Where do I fuckin' start?

My bra's rubbing me raw, I have a fat ass,

and I've twisted my ankle three times today.

Why are you wearing heels?

We're in college. No one's wearing heels.

Heels are out, man. Last year. Hello.

Dude, they make my legs look slimmer.

I have a fat ass.

(CHUCKLING) No, you don't.

Yes, I do!

No, you don't.

Look, relax. It's gonna be okay.

No, it's not gonna be okay.

Look at this.

Ugh, dude. Man, that is nasty, dude.

Oh, Jesus. Uh, what is that?

I don't know.

(GROANS)

(PANTING)

Oh, my God.

Adina, those are the worst ingrown hairs I've ever seen.

Any of you girls

have any heavy-flow maxi pads I could borrow?

I soaked through an entire box this morning,

and I had to use a whole roll of toilet paper and...

(IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Um... I used the last one.

(BOYS CHUCKLE IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICES)

Sorry.

I gotta go. (WHIMPERS)

Bye.

That poor girl.

I mean, she's so big.

She's like Paul Bunyan, man.

(LAUGHING)

Do you have any idea what this will do to us?

Hmm?

(SCOFFS)

We're not supposed to know about makeup or periods or self-esteem issues.

You're not supposed to see behind the curtain.

Look, you go to a restaurant, right?

It's your favorite place. You've been going there for years.

You order a bacon burger.

You don't want to see some guy slit a pig's throat,

toss it on top of a dead cow. No.

(CHUCKLES) You just want to enjoy your meal.

I'm getting that tape.

I'm getting a bacon burger, man.

ADAM: Psst, psst!

Jimmy! Who's there?

(YELLS)

Bro! Hey!

Bro, it's you! Oh, my God! Where'd you go, man?

Everyone's been looking for you! (LAUGHING)

Don't worry about it. It's complicated. Listen, I...

Wait! Bro, I have awesome news!

I did what you said. I got a girl.

A skank. I banged her five times and she was begging for more!

No, you didn't.

I mean, that's great. That's great, Jimmy. No, no.

Wait, I... You're shunned.

I am not supposed to be talking to you.

Hey, hey. Hey, who's your true bro?

Huh? Who told you about skanks? It was me, right?

(CHUCKLING) Yeah.

Spence told me you'd say that.

Look, forget what Spence is saying, okay? We've been framed.

He told me you'd say that, too.

Look, Spence is a lying prick with his ass hairs caught in a twist.

He told me you'd say that, too.

Jimmy!

Duh!

Fuck.

(ALL SNORING)

(BEEPING)

(GROANS) God.

(BANGING)

No...

Bad, bad, bad!

(MUTTERING)

(GRUNTING)

(BEEPING STOPS)

What the fuck are you doing, dipshit?

(MUSIC PLAYING)

Hmm.

(GROANS)

♪ She's your adolescent dream

♪ Schoolboy stuff, a sticky-sweet romance

♪ And she makes you want to scream (SQUEAKS)

♪ Wishing you could get inside her pants Hmm.

♪ So you fantasize away

♪ While you're squeezing her

(BELCHES)

♪ You thought you heard her saying

♪ Good girls don't

♪ Good girls don't

♪ But she'll be telling you good girls don't, but I do

♪ So you call her on the phone

♪ To talk about the teachers that you hate

♪ And she says she's all alone

♪ And her parents won't be coming home till late

♪ There's a ringing in your brain

♪ 'Cause you could've sworn...

(IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) No, not there.

Ahhh!

(COUGHS) Oh, isn't this fun?

♪ Good girls don't but she'll be telling you...

JOHNSON: Hey!

A little help, chunk.

Oh!

(LAUGHING)

(ALL LAUGHING)

No, I... I can do better!

♪ ...that you know you can't erase

♪ Till she's sitting on your face Oh...

Coming through! Coming through!

(GRUNTS) Ow.

♪ Good girls don't

♪ Good girls don't, but she'll be telling you... Hey!

♪ Good girls don't

Hey! Fat city! ♪ But I do

Clear the way for buttzilla!

♪ Good girls don't

♪ Good girls don't

♪ But she'll be telling you good girls don't, but I do

♪ But I do

♪ But I do

♪ But I do ♪

What?

Uh... (CLEARS THROAT)

"A woman's face with nature's own hand painted

"hast thou, the master-mistress of my passion."

"A woman's gentle heart,

"but not acquainted With shifting change, as is false women's fashion."

Should I get under the table and suck your cock right now?

What? Right here?

Please. A few lines of Shakespeare,

and you expect a girl to swoon.

No, I...

Next you'll be telling me what kind of car you drive.

No, no, no, I'm not like that. No, really.

By taking this class, I'm trying to get in touch with...

My breasts? Yes... No. No.

I know why guys like you take Women's Studies courses.

(SIGHS) No, Leah.

I'm not like that.

I'm just...

Can we just study? 'Cause that's what I came here for.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

(GLASS SHATTERS)

♪ Sugar

♪ Ah, honey, honey

♪ You are my candy girl

♪ And you got me wanting you ♪

(GROANS) How many times do I have to say it?

The toilet is for toilet paper and toilet paper only!

Argh!

Another souffle burnt!

I cannot concentrate on my cooking!

Well, what's your fucking problem?

(SPEAKS FRENCH)

I mean, what... What's wrong?

(CHUCKLES SOFTLY) I want a boyfriend.

But, no. They will not have me.

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

Can I make a little, teeny, tiny suggestion?

Now, just go up, up, and flick, just like that.

Ooh.

And after we get the mustache, maybe we can do those armpits.

And, um, we can do your knuckles and your back, your legs,

your ass.

So, um... Who was that cute guy I saw you with at the library?

No. He's just some frat guy I have to study with.

Oh.

'Cause, um...

Well, I got the feeling he was gonna ask you out.

I would never date a guy like that.

But don't you think that maybe if you,

you got him alone, away from the other frats,

he might actually be a nice guy?

You know, underneath?

I can guarantee you that guy is "Wham, bam, thank you, ma'am."

No, no, I hear he's, uh,

"Hello. How are you?

"You seem like a person I'd like to get to know.

"Can I take you out to dinner sometime, ma'am?"

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

I love when you braid my hair.

(CHUCKLES) It feels so good.

How do I look?

You look... Good.

Yeah? Mmm-hmm.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

KATIE: Adina, are you in there?

(IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Just a minute, please.

(KNOCKING) Adina, I really have to pee-pee.

I said, "Just a minute, please."

(KNOCKING) It's tinkle time!

(DOOR SLAMS)

I'm leaving.

Oh, no, no.

Yep.

No, 'cause I got a plan, dude. Trust me.

That's your plan? An aspirin?

Oh, trust me. It's not an aspirin.

You drop this little baby in your little hairless boyfriend's drink...

Hey. Jimmy's not my boyfriend.

He drinks his drink, he goes out like a little light bulb,

and you go get that tape, man.

Dude, is that a roofie?

No, that is not a roofie right there in my hand.

Well, it doesn't matter, all right?

'Cause I'm not fuckin' doing it.

(SIGHS)

Wait, this is actually a good plan.

You go out on a date and get him to take you back to the house.

If there's any problems, just give me the signal.

I'll be right outside. I'm your wingman.

How's this signal, huh? I'm not doing it.

You know, KOK-tail cruise is next week,

and with your grades and extracurriculars,

you're gonna be lucky if you even get a job.

Hey, college boy!

Time to tuck in my hemorrhoids.

(CHUCKLES)

(GLASS SHATTERS)

(MUSIC PLAYING)

(HIGH-PITCHED STAMMERING) Uh...

No.

Come in.

Take a load off.

So, you like my robe, baby?

I only settle for the very best.

Let's fuck.

Let's have a drink first.

Loosen things up a little.

(CHUCKLES)

(SIGHING) Yeah.

Ah.

Ooh, yeah.

(HUMMING)

Oh...

What's this? Box of pornos?

Yes. (CHUCKLES)

Ooh, ooh, ooh.

Someone having a bash?

Oh, I bet it's for that famous boat party

you boys throw every year. Am I right?

Uh-huh.

(SIGHS)

Vodka and cranberry for milady?

What a good idea.

LEAH: (KNOCKING ON DOOR) Daisy.

(IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Yes?

Will you come wash my hair for me?

So, you sassy she-devil.

How 'bout some mellow tunes to set the mood?

(MUSIC PLAYING)

♪ Get out of my way

♪ Ugly woman Oh.

♪ Get out of my way

♪ You're not here to stay

It's awfully hot in here.

Take off your bra.

I'll open the window.

Ooh, I'll dim the lights.

Ah!

♪ ...get out of my way

♪ You've been cheating on me, baby

Ah...

Uh-oh.

♪ I'm gonna count from one to three

Drink up, bitch.

♪ When I said to get out of way

I'm starting to get in the mood.

♪ Ugly woman

Not without a toast.

♪ You're not here to stay

♪ Get out of my way ♪ Get out of...

Tonight...

I lose my virginity to a woman I love.

♪ Please get out of my way

Right.

Drink up.

♪ Get out of my way ♪ Get out of my way ♪

Ow!

(CRASHING)

Dave!

Where are you?

The first time I tried shoplifting, I got caught.

Me too. I wanted a Twix,

but I thought I should practice on something I didn't like,

so I stole an onion and got busted.

(BOTH LAUGH)

Daisy, stop poking me in the butt.

Sorry.

Wingman!

Wingman!

Oh!

(SCREAMING)

(SPITS)

(ADAM YELLS)

Don't tell Leah,

but sometimes I think that life would be a lot easier

if I just looked like one of those Tri Pis.

I mean, do you know what it feels like

to be a constant butt of jokes?

(WHIMPERING) I do.

Do you know what it feels like to be called a freak,

to be humiliated day in, day out

until your self-esteem is so low, you'd...

You'd walk a mile out of your way

just to avoid looking in a mirror?

(SNIFFLING) Or to be peer-pressured

into crushing hundreds of cans of beer on your head

for nine years?

Despite the constant migraines and the expensive CAT scans?

(SOBS)

Roberta...

We love you.

DOOFER: (WHIMPERING) Oh...

My giant. My gentle giant.

(SOBS)

I feel like you girls are my best friends in the whole world.

And I think it's time we stopped moping around and started having fun.

(SNIFFLES)

What kind of fun?

(GIGGLING)

So... So why do they call it a gravity bong?

I have no idea.

(LEAH AND DAVE GIGGLING)

Oh, that tickles.

Stop that now. Stop it.

(BOTH GIGGLE)

Did you leave a boyfriend or anything back in Minnesota?

Oh, no, no. My father didn't want me to date boys.

Oh. Sounds really controlling.

He is.

He fully expects me to graduate, buy a house in the suburbs,

and be part of his old-boy network.

That's really strange.

Well, uh...

(CHUCKLES)

Daisy, I think you deserve better than that.

I mean, the only way you're ever gonna be happy

is if you're true to what you want.

Your dad's just gonna have to accept

that you have to make your own choices in life.

You know, you're right. You are. (CHUCKLES)

(INHALES DEEPLY)

(LOUD MUSIC PLAYING)

(YELLS) God! Do you hear that?

I'm so sick of those stupid frats and their stupid music!

Oh, oh, oh... The toes. Oh!

Watch the toes. Watch your toes.

Sorry. God. Do you mind doing it again? (CHUCKLES)

Okay.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

Like you're naughty, girls! Like you're naughty!

Whoo-hoo! (GIGGLES)

(MUSIC CONTINUES IN DISTANCE)

You want to sleep over?

(JIMMY YELLING)

(PANTING)

You are strong for a girl.

For a girl.

(GROWLS)

(IN NORMAL VOICE) Guys are such idiots.

(GRUNTS)

(KEYS JINGLE)

What...

(IN SLOW MOTION) Wingman!

JIMMY: I lose my virginity to a woman...

ADAM: Bring the quality down...

JIMMY: Co-inky dinky, my stinky pinky.

ADAM: (ECHOING) ...way down.

Huh? Who told you about skanks?

FRAT BOY: (ECHOING) Fat-ass dog girl!

(GROANING)

JIMMY: I banged her five times, and she was begging for more!

(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING)

So...

Good night.

Uh... Yeah.

Good night.

I had a really good time tonight.

So did I.

I feel so comfortable with you.

Like I can tell you anything.

Yeah. Yeah, me too.

I'm glad you decided to sleep over.

♪ Tiger lily girl

♪ Standin' cross-eyed in the corner

♪ Tiger lily girl

♪ Standin' tongue-tied in the corner ♪

(WHIMPERS)

I'm really, really confused right now.

(PANTING) So am I.

I've never done this before.

Me neither. (SIGHS)

I'm sorry.

I'm really sorry.

Why don't you come over here and we'll talk?

I won't bite.

Come on.

Uh, I've got to go.

Ah. Ooh.

(DOOR CLOSES)

♪ She was a rough rider

(INDISTINCT TALKING)

♪ A cool stroker

Oh. Oh.

♪ A strong whiner

Like it hurts, girls. (GRUNTING)

♪ I had a hard night

Make it sting, girls.

(GIRL LAUGHING)

Hurt yourselves, girls.

Oh!

Oh!

Ooh.

See if there's more weed in her pajamas.

Ooh-la-la-la-la!

(MUTTERS)

Let's spark up a bowl.

(LAUGHING)

(CHUCKLES)

♪ I feel so broke up today ♪

(GASPS)

Jimmy, where are the tapes?

What happened to that box of pornos, you little piece of shit?

Jimmy! Jimmy! I need my tape!

(EXHALES SHARPLY) Oh, shit.

Huh?

(GRUNTS)

Can I help you?

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

ALL: (CHANTING) The girl was fair who went upstairs

with her favorite KOK.

She knocked around and came back down and now she takes the walk.

The walk...

Oh!

Oh!

Whoa!

(GIGGLING)

(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS) (GASPS)

(CHUCKLING)

(DOOR CLOSES) Hey, where you been, man? Did you get that tape?

No.

Where's Dave?

Ow!

That's weird.

What the hell is on your skirt, man?

Oh!

Uh... Gum... Or something.

Yeah? What flavor was it?

Big juicy cock?

I don't know what you mean.

(DOOR OPENS) Nothing happened.

Dude, did you get the tape?

The tape?

Yeah. Oh.

The tape.

Let me tell you about the tape, Dave.

Somewhere between the ribs and the Rohypnol, I had the tape.

But what happened?

You fucked me over, Dave!

And now the tape is in a blue crate on its way to the boat!

So... You didn't get the tape?

Where were you last night, Dave?

Uh, well, I was...

What happened to the wingman, huh?

You were with her, weren't you?

You left me hanging in the wind.

Oh, is that what they're calling it now?

Shut up, Doofer!

(SOBBING) Oh!

You betrayed me to be with a DOG!

You're calling her a DOG?

DOG, DOG, DOG. (SNARLS)

Have you looked in the mirror lately?

You know, I can't even believe Jimmy even asked you out.

You know, you're the joke of the whole house!

You're not half the woman she is!

You take that back! No.

You take it back! No.

DOOFER: I just want to stop the fighting. I want us to be friends!

Shush! Well, you tell this bitch

that a friend would've had my back last night.

(SOBS)

(SCOFFS) Looks like Jimmy got there first.

(YELLING)

(GROWLING)

(SCREAMING)

(YELLING)

You and your new girlfriend could care less what happens to me!

(CHOKING)

I waited all night for you!

Ooh! A lovers' quarrel!

(SCREAMING)

(COUGHING)

(YELLS)

Ha! You throw like a girl!

(YELLS) Oh!

(YELLING)

(COUGHING)

(SCREAMS)

Ooh, that hurt!

That all you got?

You're gonna pay!

(GASPS)

(YELLING)

Hey. So, you wanna play? Let's play.

Oh, is that supposed to scare me?

(WHIMPERS)

Adina, catch!

(BOTH GRUNTING)

(GRUNTING CONTINUES)

(IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Girls, stop it!

Eat it! (GAGS)

Oh!

(AIR WHOOSHING)

(YELLING)

Okay, easy, now.

Go easy.

(GROANS)

(YELLS)

(GROANS)

(GASPS) Oh!

(GRUNTING)

(GROWLING)

You don't understand what I'm going through, Dave!

This is killing me!

I was the go-to guy at KOK, okay?

Now look at me. Look at me!

I'm ugly!

I would never fuck me!

That's... That's not true. That's not true.

You had sex with Lisa Philbin.

Yeah. Remember her, huh?

You're much prettier than she is.

(YELLING)

Football! Football. What?

Football. Look, huh? Look at that.

ADAM: I don't get it.

DAVE: Who gets to go to the KOK-tail cruise every year? Huh?

Tri Pis.

Technically, it's whoever wins the powder puff football game.

Yeah?

With you, me, and Doofer on the DOG team,

the Tri Pis don't stand a chance.

Look, we win the game, we get on the boat, we get the tape.

That's good. Yeah.

Yeah. It's perfect.

We get on the boat, you meet with Kloss,

you get the job, you hire me and Doofer!

(LAUGHS)

DOGs are gonna be on the KOK-tail cruise.

Oh, I'm not going anywhere looking like this.

No, sir.

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS) Why would we want to play football?

Why would you want to play football?

Yeah!

Haven't you read the studies about sports and self-esteem?

(WHIMPERING) Mmm-hmm. I wouldn't mind a little self-esteem.

I say we go out there, and we knock their tits in the dirt!

(ALL CHEERING)

Let's do it!

(CROWD CHEERING) (AIR HORN BLOWING)

They don't look so tough.

(WHISTLE BLOWS)

GIRL: Okay, we're gonna do this.

ALL: Ready? Break!

(CROWD CHEERING)

Uh-oh.

(WHISTLE BLOWS)

Girls! Girls! Remember what we learned!

Come on!

GIRL: Come on, guys.

Three, set!

ALL: Huh!

(CROWD CHEERS)

(IN NORMAL VOICE) Come and get it, ladies.

(SCREAMING)

Look out.

(SCREAMING)

(DOOFER CRIES)

(CHEERING)

(WHISTLE BLOWS) Whoo!

Yeah, bitches!

Whoo!

(CHEERING LOUDLY)

(SCREAMING)

(AIR HORN BLOWING) (DOOFER CONTINUES CRYING)

(IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) This is supposed to be touch football!

(SCREAMS)

Oh, my ba... Gina!

My... She kicked me in the vaginas! (SCREAMS)

Stretcher!

DOOFER: Oh! Get the giant!

I want my giant!

(SCREAMING)

Thank you, giant.

Watch my vagina. (SCREAMS)

ALL: DOGs rule! Break!

All right.

(IN NORMAL VOICE) Bunch of pink nightmares.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Get your eyes off my tits, rug muncher.

(IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Blue 42!

Hut! Hut!

(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)

Ow!

Adina, I'm open!

(GRUNTS)

(GRUNTS) (ALL GROAN)

(ALL GRUNTING)

DOGs don't go on the cruise.

Adina! (WHIMPERING)

ANNOUNCER: (OVER PA) That's the second injury to the DOGs this quarter.

She may be hurt pretty badly.

(CHEERING AND WHISTLING)

It's a go. Hit it!

Okay.

(GRUNTING) (SQUEAKING)

(SCREAMING)

(CROWD CHEERING) (TRI PIS SCREAMING)

(IN NORMAL VOICE) That's my trick.

What?

(IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Nothing.

(CROWD CHEERING) (GIRLS SCREAMING)

(CHEERING)

Why are they cheering?

I don't know!

God, that is so weird.

It's payback time.

(INDISTINCT WHISPERING) Ready? Break!

Show 'em! Hey, Leah, next to the receiver.

Cover the receiver. Hey, back, Katie. Get over there. Okay.

(INAUDIBLE) 25! 32!

Oh, I'm in your head now! Oh, I'm in your head now!

Feel it! Hut! Hut!

(YELLING)

(BOOING)

(WHISTLE BLOWS)

ANNOUNCER: DOGs' ball. First and 10.

Okay, this one's going to yours truly.

Ready? ALL: Break!

(GRUNTING)

(WHISTLE BLOWS)

(CHEERING)

GIRL: Adina rules!

(CHEERING) (CROWD BOOING)

(WHISTLE BLOWS)

Get that fat-ass bulldyke no matter what it takes. Ready?

ALL: Break!

(MUSIC PLAYS)

♪ Yeah

♪ Yeah ♪

Blue 48!

Hey, everybody,

this is the DOG that Jimmy backdoored.

ANNOUNCER: Evidently, the quarterback is Jimmy's new girlfriend.

No! (FOOTBALL SLAPS HANDS)

(ALL YELLING)

(GROANS)

(LAUGHTER)

(GRUNTING)

(WHISTLE BLOWS)

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

Okay.

Five-step buttonhook. Be ready. The ball's coming fast.

KATIE: We're over here!

Yeah. Come on.

(GROANING)

(ALL GASP)

Times out! Times out!

(WHISTLE BLOWS) ANNOUNCER: That's the DOGs' final timeout.

We can't win without you, Adina.

Right. Right.

Listen up all of you.

I am not gonna let you give up on yourselves.

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

When I first pledged the DOG house,

I thought, "My God, what a bunch of losers."

But I was wrong.

This house

has more heart and more loyalty than the Tri Pis ever had.

I mean, sure, they may give great blow jobs, but we're a family.

Yeah, you know...

I think we're still in this game.

Still in it?

You're damn right you're still in it!

You can win this thing!

LEAH: Okay, the name of the play is "Patty up the middle."

Me?

On two? On two. Ready?

ALL: Go DOGs!

(SHOUTS INDISTINCTLY)

Red 64! Red 64!

Hike!

(ALL YELLING)

(CROWD CHEERING)

(GROANS)

(CROWD CONTINUES CHEERING)

(WHISTLE BLOWS)

(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)

Are you all right, Patty?

Yeah, I guess so.

Chicken shit.

Yeah, go back to your huddle, freak.

(BOTH LAUGH)

Yeah, Sasquatch.

What did you call me?

Um, chicken shit.

No, after that.

Sasquatch?

No, before that.

Freak?

That was it.

Thanks.

(GROWLING) Let's try "Patty up the middle"

one more time.

What do we do?

PATTY: Get out of the way. (WHISTLE BLOWS)

ANNOUNCER: This should be the last play of the game.

Hike!

(YELLING)

(GRUNTING)

(WHISTLE BLOWS) (YELLING)

(CHEERING)

Who's number one?

ALL: D-O-G!

(CHEERING)

(HORN HONKS) Fat ass!

(GRUNTS)

(GRUNTS)

(TIRES SCREECH)

(HORN BLARES)

(IN NORMAL VOICE) It's true.

Sports does improve self-esteem.

Leah's the first girl I met I could really talk to.

Maybe I should just tell her.

No! Not after what we've been through, man. (SIRENS WAILING)

Come on. Eyes on the prize, Dave.

We're almost out of this.

Watch it, DOG!

You watch it, plastic tits.

Oh!

Do you believe that bitch?

You going back to the house?

I gotta stop and get some more lipstick, man.

Yeah, I'll go with you. I need a new dress.

(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING)

(IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Oh, hi.

Can I help you find some... Ugh! (CLEARS THROAT)

Uh, hi.

I'm going to a very big, important party tonight,

and I need to look absolutely perfect.

Can you tell me which shade of lipstick looks best on me?

Um... Uh...

Um, oh...

Maybe the orange.

Orange.

What an excellent suggestion.

(STAMMERING) Hello?

Hello? Hello?

So, once we get the tape off the boat, then what?

We show it at the national chapter meeting tomorrow morning,

we bust Spence's ass, we return to KOK,

and we roll our wieners back out.

Well... What do I... What do I tell Leah?

I mean, what happens to Daisy?

Daisy, Adina, and Roberta are going to disappear.

And this never happened.

Well, I have to tell Leah something.

Tonight, Daisy could tell Leah that she's going back to Minnesota.

Oh, that's so stupid. That's such a cop-out. Come on.

Ah. I'm sure this would look good on an anorexic.

Why can't they design dresses for girls who need to hide a big caboose?

You know, you really don't have a...

Oh! Please be a size 8. Please be a size 8.

Yes!

GIRLS: D-O-G!

(CHEERING)

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)

Whoo!

Whoo! (SHIP HORN BELLOWS)

ALL: No DOGs allowed!

(LAUGHTER) (SHIP HORN BELLOWS)

GIRL 1: KOKs rule!

GIRL 2: Yeah, you fat cows! Whoo!

We were stupid to believe we'd ever get on that boat.

(HOWLING)

That's our party!

And we're going.

All right?

DOOFER: I've got a plan.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

Nothing beats the sea air whistling up my dress, ladies.

♪ Ooh

♪ Sugar pie, honey bunch ♪

Oh, yeah.

Hello.

This way to the little girls' room, right?

Yes, it's right that way.

Oh!

(BOTH LAUGH)

Where's that kid of yours, anyway?

Let's get this over with so I can go tomcatting.

He's around here somewhere.

(MUFFLED SCREAM)

(MUFFLED SCREAM)

(MUFFLED SCREAM)

(LAUGHING) Whoo!

Yo, bro, why am I dancing with you?

Dude, I don't know.

DOGs in the hi-ouse!

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

Mmm-hmm.

(LAUGHING)

(MOUTHING) Adina.

Where did all the Tri Pis go?

Hey.

Let's dance.

(SLOW MUSIC PLAYING)

Mr. Kloss, Spence Rivington,

President of KOK, Class of '02.

Hello, son. Listen, sir...

I heard you're trying to fill a position in your company,

and I have to tell you, I'm like the beer in the mug.

I'm the guy to fill your position.

I know this isn't easy for you.

It's not easy for me either, but, um,

I'm willing to commit if you are.

One second, son, all right?

We're trying to watch a little girl party over here, okay?

No, um...

I love lesbos.

(CHUCKLES) Sorry.

Um...

You know, uh...

I've decided I'm moving back to Minnesota. (CHUCKLES)

But we can, uh...

We can still be together in a different way.

I mean, I'm... I'm... I'm moving, but I'm not moving.

I don't understand you. (SCOFFS)

You know, we can talk all night when we're alone,

but we go out in public, and you're a different person.

I can't do this, Leah.

I thought dating a girl would be easier than dating a guy.

It's the same story.

(UP-TEMPO DISCO MUSIC PLAYING)

Care to dance?

Oh, I don't think...

(GRUNTS)

(GROANS)

No.

(GRUNTS)

Davey! John Kloss.

(CHUCKLES) I thought that was you.

So, your dad tells me you'll be a valuable member of team Kloss.

Oh, absolutely. Yes.

Good!

Because we start every day promptly at 10:00 a.m.

Welcome aboard, son.

All right. Let's go upstairs.

There's a tall, dark-haired beauty with an ass like an apple

I can't wait to sink my teeth into.

(CHUCKLES) I know the one.

(SCREAMS)

(IN NORMAL VOICE) Relax! It's me.

(IN NORMAL VOICE) What are you doing? I'm hiding from Jimmy.

Shut the door! Shut the door! Come on!

Hey, where's Doofer?

Looking for your tape.

Did you talk to Kloss? I got the job.

Are you serious? And I can pick my own staff.

(LAUGHS) Oh! Oh, yeah!

Bonus once a year!

Oh, that's great, man! Great!

(GASPS)

(SCOFFS)

Minnesota, huh?

(IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Leah, wait.

No, no, no, no, no. Let her go.

We still got work to do.

(UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYING)

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)

Excuse me.

How would you like to go to bed with a very rich man?

Ow! (CHUCKLES)

(GRUNTS) Oh!

(BOTH LAUGHING)

You see that one over there?

Yeah. Yeah.

Got a real attitude on her.

What do you say we play a little dogcatcher?

(HOWLING)

For old times' sake?

(LAUGHTER)

(WHISTLE BLOWS)

MEN: Dogcatcher!

LEAH: Ow! Let go of me!

Leah! (GRUNTS)

(GROANS)

Put her down!

Leave her alone, you fucking dickheads!

(GROWLING)

Careful, now!

Piece of shit! Piece of shit!

MEN: One...

Two...

DAVE: (IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Stop!

Put her down.

Hold on, darling. You'll get your chance.

(LAUGHTER) MEN: One...

Two...

(IN NORMAL VOICE) Dad! (LEAH GRUNTING)

(GRUNTS)

David?

Dave?

Yeah.

(GASPS)

Good Lord, Daisy.

You look like a man.

Oh, Leah, I can explain.

Give us another chance!

I can live with the fact that you don't love me,

but maybe with time, you could learn to... (IN NORMAL VOICE) Hey!

It ain't gonna happen.

(CROWD GASPS)

I'm a dude.

Bro?

Dude, you plugged your big bro!

(GROANS)

(GRUNTS) Ow!

Ow!

There's mutiny afoot. (GROANS)

Convene the High Council.

We must punish these thieves

to the full extent of the original charter.

Any last words, gentlemen?

Yeah.

Hey, you see those girls out there?

DAVE: Well, you guys treat them like garbage.

Why?

What, so you can feel like real men?

You all should be ashamed of yourselves.

You know, I learned more in one week at DOG

than I learned in four years at KOK.

And after seeing myself through their eyes,

I don't want to be a KOK anymore.

No?

That's sweet.

Is that all?

(IN NORMAL VOICE) You just wait a minute, there, puffy head.

What's that?

Oh, nothing.

Just a little videotape of you stealing the money out of that safe!

(CROWD MURMURING)

He's bluffing.

No. No. No, he's not.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Is this it?

No, I don't think it is.

(GIRL MOANING)

(LAUGHS OUT LOUD)

(ALL CHEERING)

See? He lied.

Just a pathetic stall tactic. (MOANING)

(CLANK)

Look!

(CROWD GASPS)

I'll teach them to humiliate me. That's not me.

I'll show them who has real class, because now I've got all the money.

Who's got the class now?

Not you. Not them.

John... Uh, I mean, Mr. Kloss, I can explain everything...

Tell it to the High Council. It's time to get even.

ALL: (CHANTING) Boo-la, boo-la.

Boo-la, boo-la.

Boo-la, boo-la. Huh.

Boo-la, boo-la, boo-la.

SPENCE: No, not the mice! No! Boo-la, boo-la.

(SPENCE SCREAMING) Boo-la, boo-la.

(SPLASH) Boo-la, boo-la.

SPENCE: My collarbone!

JOHNSON: Do you promise to faithfully administer the office of presidency?

Yup.

And do you solemnly swear to uphold the values of brotherhood?

Yeah.

Do you promise to maintain the superior social traditions

of Kappa Omicron Kappa, forsaking all others?

No.

(CHUCKLES) That's cool.

Hi.

I quit the house.

(SCOFFS) I'm so happy for you.

Listen, I know you can never trust me after what I did, but I'm glad it happened.

What?

Under normal circumstances, we never would have gotten to know each other.

I mean, let's face it. You had me pigeonholed as a certain kind of person,

and the same was true about me.

So that's why I'm glad it happened,

'cause you're a person I can talk to.

I wasn't afraid to tell you things

I never talked about with anyone.

Like when you lost your virginity

to the bass player who had huge balls, right?

Yeah, actually, that...

That happened to my cousin Maggie.

Look, you don't have to forgive me.

I just...

I just wanted you to know that meeting you changed my life.

(VOICE BREAKING) Changed whose life?

The sweet girl from Minnesota?

Or the guy scamming on me in women's studies?

Or the lesbian?

Or the transvestite?

Who?

Me. Dave.

So, you're still my little bro, right?

Yeah.

(CHUCKLES) Yeah.

All right.

Can I ask you something?

(CHUCKLES)

This is coming out of nowhere.

You remember that night?

You know, our "date." (CHUCKLES)

Nothing happened, right?

Huh?

♪ Let's do it right, now, baby ♪

Right.

(LAUGHS)

I didn't think so. (LAUGHING)

♪ You're all I need

♪ Soul to soul fire to fire

♪ Nothing like this man's desire

♪ Love is a beautiful thing

She's my friend, so treat her nice.

Go on.

♪ Love is a beautiful thing

♪ It's so beautiful

♪ Beautiful

♪ Love is such a sweet emotion

♪ I want to share it all with you

Yum. Mmm.

Mmm. Mmm. Mmm.

♪ There ain't nothing in this world we can't do

♪ Oh, tonight

♪ I want to thank you, baby

♪ You make my life complete

♪ Soul to soul, fire to fire

♪ Nothing like this man's desire

So...

How's Daisy doing in Minnesota?

Well, uh...

She's, uh, taking the semester off to get her head straight.

Oh.

She's a very confused woman. (CHUCKLES)

Hmm.

I know the feeling.

If you talk to her, will you, um, tell her I...

I feel like I lost my best friend?

Well, I know for a fact that she feels the same way.

Do you think she'd be jealous if

you and I took a shower together?

I'll talk her through it.

♪ Soul to soul, fire to fire

♪ Nothing like this man's desire

♪ Love is a beautiful thing

♪ One to one, you and me

♪ Oh, I know it's our destiny

♪ 'Cause love is a beautiful thing

♪ So beautiful, so beautiful

♪ Stay together through thick and thin

♪ Now I know I got a friend

♪ 'Cause love is a beautiful thing ♪

You look so tan. (GIGGLES)

Thanks. You look so thin.

Thanks. (GIGGLES)

(BOTH SIGH)

♪ She sings from somewhere you can't see

♪ She sits in the top of the greenest tree

♪ She sends out an aroma of undefinable lust

♪ It drips on down in a mist from above

♪ She's just the girl

♪ She's just the girl

♪ The girl you want

♪ She's just the girl she's just the girl you want

♪ She's just the girl

♪ She's just the girl

♪ The girl you want

♪ She's just the girl she's just the girl you want

♪ You hear her calling everywhere you turn

♪ You know you're headed for the pleasure burn

♪ But words get stuck on the tip of your tongue

♪ She's the real thing but you knew it all along

♪ She's just the girl

♪ She's just the girl

♪ The girl you want

♪ She's just the girl She's just the girl you want

♪ She's just the girl

♪ She's just the girl

♪ The girl you want

♪ She's just the girl She's just the girl you want

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

♪ Look at you with your mouth watering

♪ Look at you with your mind spinning

♪ Why don't we just admit it's all over?

♪ She's just the girl you want

♪ She's just the girl

♪ She's just the girl

♪ The girl you want

♪ She's just the girl she's just the girl you want

♪ Uh-huh, the chick

♪ She's just the chick

♪ The chick you dig

♪ She's just the girl she's just the girl you want

♪ Look at you with your mouth watering

♪ Look at you with your mind spinning

♪ Why don't we just admit it's all over?

♪ She's just the girl you want

♪ She sings from somewhere you can't see

♪ She sits in the top of the greenest tree

♪ She sends out an aroma of undefinable lust

♪ It drips on down in a mist from above

♪ She's just the girl

♪ She's just the girl

♪ The girl you want

♪ She's just the girl she's just the girl you want

♪ She's just the girl

♪ She's just the girl

♪ The girl you want

♪ She's just the girl she's just the girl you want

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah

♪ She's just the girl she's just the girl

♪ The girl you want ♪

Are you done with Ashley's leg?

Oh, sure.

Be my guest.

(SIGHS)

(MUNCHING LOUDLY)

Mmm.

Thanks.