All language subtitles for Crash.Pad.2017.HDRip.XviD.AC3-EVO.HI

Subtitles by explosiveskull

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

Bullshit!

MORGAN: No.

Since when?

(SIGHS) Since 15 years ago.

Bullshit.

No, it's not.

Where's your ring?

Ha! I know a Cracker Jack prize

when I see one. Where is he, then?

He is in LA with a client right now.

Okay, well, where's your
wedding-type snapshots

and, you know, pretty photos
of you and this husband?

We host a lot of parties here,

and Grady thinks that personal
artifacts are tacky, so that's why...

- G... Grady?
- Yes.

His name is Grady? Come on.

Yes... Yes, Stensland, his name is Grady.

(LAUGHS INCREDULOUSLY)

Bullshit! Ha! Nice try.

Jesus, I can't believe you, Morgan.

Where... Where are you going?

To expose the lack of man
clothing in your closet

and prove that you're bullshitting.

What the fuck!

I'm married!

Tell me you don't have
kids. Were they watching us?

No. I don't... Why would
I have my kids watching...

I don't have any kids.

You don't have kids because
he's a violent drunk.

- No, we just...
- He'd beat them.

Each other is all we've
ever really wanted or needed,

so we don't have kids.

"Was." So, you'll be separated soon, right?

No.

Then what the fuck is this?

You held my hand in the cab yesterday!

That isn't the action of a
woman just looking for great sex

behind her hubby's back, that's a
woman looking for Doctor Zhivago!

This...

He cheated on me, okay?

He cheated on you?

And I held your hand yesterday
because I like you, Stensland.

- Aw.
- You know, I'm still... I'm still crushable.

"Crushable"?

You can't even say the
word "love," can you?

You know, you can... You
can free the penis now.

I mean, I've seen you
naked for the past two days.

You've been seeing me naked
under sheets and in limited light.

I've got very wide hips that make my unit

look a lot smaller than it actually is.

So it's like an optical illusion?

Yes! I've got bitch hips. Leave it be.

Okay, listen. This was so much fun.

And so, thank you.

But this is the last time that we
will be seeing each other, okay?

Good. I was testing you.

Oh, phew!

What a load off my mind.

Oh, you know, my biggest fear,

since we started hookin' up, baby,

was that you would think this
was something more than fucking,

like, God forbid, love.

- Love, love, love.
- Listen, I...

I didn't want to hurt
you. I'm really sorry.

You're sorry?

As for these...

Something tells me they're
due for a dry cleaning.

Oh... What are you doing?

What is wrong with you?

Good day, madam.

Oh. Oh, that was real mature.

(SIGHS)

(MUSIC PLAYING)

(SOBBING)

(STENSLAND CONTINUES SOBBING)

What?

"Crushable"?

How dare she?

COUNTER GIRL: All right, the usual.

One pink scone, one strawberry milk.

So $4.53.

(STENSLAND CRYING)

You, uh... You doing all right, Stensland?

Could someone let me borrow 53 cents?

(SNIFFLING)

(SPEAKS PUNJABI)

Sweet Christ, not now.

Woman, I don't know what you're saying!

No, not a single decipherable word!

It's the same puzzling dance every day!

Shut up!

You're not the smartest,
you're not the coolest,

you're not the best-looking,

but God damn it, you are something.

You've got something that attracts people.

You've got something
that attracts the ladies.

They don't know what it is,
you don't know what it is,

but it's there, cocooned,
growing and learning.

And one day, you'll bloom
into a big, beautiful condor

that people will respect and fear.

"I can't believe that used
to be Stensland," they'll say.

"I can't believe that
used to be Stensland."

(MUSIC PLAYING)

Hello, old friend.

- Go ahead.
- (DOOR OPENING)

Oh, great episode.

LYLE: Stensland? Oh, you are here.

Hey.

Hey.

Nah, I'm... I'm good.

I thought you said you were going
to stop smoking during the day?

Oh, look, my dead mom's back. Great.

My God, what's the matter with you?

(SIGHS) Morgan dumped me, okay?

She's married.

Is that the older lady you
met at the furniture store?

Don't make her sound like
Jessica Tandy. She's in her July.

Whatever, man. At least
you got sex without strings.

I want strings.

I want commitment and mutual adoration.

I want to pass the bong
to someone with boobs.

I want the danger of
forgetting anniversaries

and the pain of holding in farts

because someone is sharing my bed.

- I want a girlfriend, Lyle.
- I know, I know.

I'm sorry to change the subject,

but you noticed the cardboard boxes, right?

Did you drink and eBay?

No, I started moving over to Linda's.

Already?

You need to find another roommate, man.

(SNIFFS) Is this mine?

I like you.

I like you, too, buddy, just
not as much as Linda. I love her.

All right, well, I'm out of here

a week from tomorrow, next Monday.

So find another roommate, Stens.

God damn it.

(SIGHS)

JOEY: (ON TV) ...life
imitating art imitating life?

...and maybe, you know,
it's not part of the plan.

Then again, I never thought that

losing you was part
of the plan, either.

Oh...

I think sometimes you have
to lose somebody completely

before you can figure out
what they really mean to you.

(SIGHS)

Oh, D-dog, laying down the truth.

MORGAN: (ON ANSWERING
MACHINE) Hi, it's me...

Oh, Jesus!

Morgan, would you please call me back?

I worry I'm beginning to look desperate.

LYLE: Phew! It smells bad in here.

What are you doing?

Oh...

I'm, uh, relaxing.

What about work?

Oh, I'm on leave.

You're not in the Navy.

You work six-hour shifts
at an antique shop.

- Why do you need a leave?
- My breakup!

For Christ's sake, man.
Was the sex that good?

Good? It was transcendent, Lyle.

My spiritual self is
still making an O-face.

But I'm not mourning the sex.

I'm mourning what we might have been.

That tiny taste of affection
has made it very evident to me

that something's missing from my life.

Okay. I'm just surprised the
store gave you this much time off.

Well...

This is more like one of those
self-allotted time-out leaves, you know?

What? Go to work!

Stensland! I'm going to be
totally moved out tomorrow.

You said I had till Monday.

Tomorrow is Monday, man.

- Tomorrow's Monday?
- Tomorrow's Monday. Come on.

Shit. This chiba is unforgiving.

(SHIP HORN BLOWING)

(SIGHS)

(EXHALES HEAVILY)

Ah, Mr. Laframboise.

I was just mulling a
froYo break. You want one?

This is the last check.

You don't showing up one
week, no call, no nothing!

Wait a minute, are we doing a
scene from The Pawnbroker?

Mr. Laframboise, are you back
in acting class? That's great.

- Get out!
- Oh, okay, all right.

You're a passionate bear,
you're upset, I get it.

I need to work on my
communication skills, that's clear.

But I'm pretty sure I was
already due a vacation week,

so can we just sit back, relax,

I'll put on some jasmine tea, chill out...

- PIERCE: Sir?
- What?

I think this varnish may have turned,

and I would hate to compromise the
honesty of that Victorian end table.

Sorry, am I interrupting?

Who the fuck is this?

New Stensland.

There's no other Stensland.
How could you say that?

Um, my name is Pierce.

Mr. Laframboise, your
assumption that my absence

is barren of a logical
explanation offends me.

- We're closer than this.
- No, we're not.

Okay, look, here's what happened.

I was sideswiped by a nasty
cyclone known as "woman."

Lost aimlessly in her deceit,
and it stung like a biatch.

So, please, just give me another chance.

Fuck you!

Morgan!

Morgan!

HANNAH: Hey! Hey, asshole! Come back here!

- STENSLAND: Morgan!
- HANNAH: You can't go in there.

STENSLAND: Morgan!

Stensland.

She remembers my name. Shocker.

I'm calling security.

No, no. No, it's okay.
No, it's okay. We're okay.

You know this guy?

Yeah, no, no. I'll handle it. It's okay.

Moneypenny, could you order us
up some sandwiches and lemonade?

This'll take a while.

- No, it won't.
- STENSLAND: Yes, it will.

Thank you, Hannah.
Thanks, honey. I got this.

Yeah, no, no, this is, um... Stensland.

It's not a thing at all. It's just a, um...

- Okay.
- Thanks, honey.

- What do you want?
- "What do you want?"

We made love a week ago.

I'm no dildo you wipe off
and put back in the drawer.

Why haven't you called me back?

Because that was it.

It was a one-time thing.

I don't care if you're married, Morgan.

- I still love you. You love me, it's just...
- What?

What does that even mean?

It means let's keep on keepin' on.

Let's ride this naughty little secret.

No.

Why? Isn't he cheating on you, too?

I don't know.

Oh...

Now you don't know!

Is that him?

MORGAN: Yes.

STENSLAND: He has a moustache?

MORGAN: Yes.

I want $15,000, or I'm gonna tell him.

Mmm?

(SCOFFS) I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, you're... You're
gonna have to repeat that.

What?

I demand you pay me $15,000,

or I'm gonna find Grady
and tell him everything.

(LAUGHS)

What the hell are you doing, Stens?

"Stens," she says! Using the
abridged pet name to disarm me.

- You're scared.
- Really?

Grady's a criminal defense lawyer.

I doubt he will believe
that I slept with you.

Okay?

Oh, he'll believe me, all right.

Why? Did you record us or something?

No, but I have evidence of passion.

Remember this?

"Kiss me between my
shoulder blades, Stensland."

And remember this?

"Rub my ass like this when you're
going down on me, Stensland."

And what about this?

Will this be evidence enough

when I explain to Grady
in graphic, carnal detail

that shaky little twitch
dance you do when you come?

How does the chirp go?

(IMITATES MOANING)

You don't get it, do you?

What?

I already told him.

Bullshit.

No, I did.

You see, I was...

I was looking for someone
to have an affair with,

so I could throw it in his face

to show him that I'm not
just gonna sit here and smile

while he tunes out our marriage

and does God knows what
he's doing out there.

Mm-hmm, and, uh, what did he say?

He said a lot of stuff
that's none of your business.

But we're gonna work it out.

- You're going to work it out?
- Yeah.

Kid, I hate to crush your spirit here,

but you're forcing me to.

You're my pawn.

You're like my little revenge marionette.

(SCOFFS)

You haven't told him
diddly squat, have you?

(STENSLAND SCOFFS)

Stensland holds all the cards.

15 grand, sweetheart,

or me and Grady are going
to sit down and talk turkey.

Good day, madam.

Oh, look!

Uh-oh. The little pitcher has
big ears. Yenta, yenta.

Who the fuck is that?

(KNOCKING)

- Hey.
- Are you all right?

Yeah, no, I'm good. Um...

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) How
much of that did you hear?

None of it.

Oh, okay.

A little.

(EXHALES)

Okay, I heard everything.

You slept with that guy?

Oh, Hannah, I was in the
store, and I was depressed,

and I was thinking about,
like, "Who the hell is Grady?"

and, "Why the hell am I in the store?"

And then this kid comes up

and starts flirting with me like
I'm Princess Grace or something.

(SIGHS) Now I have a stalker.

It's like, of course I sleep
with the one guy on the planet

who's pissed off that his one-night
stand isn't just a one-night stand.

Don't sweat it, okay?

You already told Grady, so...

- No.
- You haven't told Grady?

Yeah, you're screwed.

(SIGHS)

Balls of wonder, balls of might...

(PHONE BEEPING)

SECRETARY: Law offices
of Dott and Rosen.

Grady Dott, please.

I'm sorry, he's out of the office.
Would you like his voicemail?

No, no, no, patch me
through to his personal cell.

This is an emergency.

- Your name?
- Stensland.

- Please hold.
- Mmm-hmm.

Mr. Stensland, what's
this concerning?

Uh, I fucked his wife many times?

- Please hold.
- Uh-huh.

Yeah, no baloney. Come on.

GRADY: This is Grady Dott.

Mr. Dott, my name is Stensland.

I'm a 29-year-old, unemployed
diamond in the rough

with no foreseeable
opportunities for financial

or personal success until my death.

It's my sad duty to inform you that
I met your wife, Morgan, last week

in Soft Solutions Fine Furnishings,

whereupon she took me back to
your home and made love to me.

At no point over the
weekend did she inform me

that she was maritally
or otherwise spoken for...

- Stensland?
- Yeah?

She told me.

Oh.

Now I'm going to find you,
and I'm going to kill you.

(LINE DISCONNECTS)

(SIRENS WAILING)

(HELICOPTER HOVERING OVERHEAD)

ELLA: You need to find
yourself a girl your own age.

One who hasn't already been
fucked up by some other asshole,

so you can fuck her up your own
damn self, your own damn way.

Ella, Internet dating has turned you cold.

She's right. This Morgan's a mess.

Stay sane, stay away.

- Spend that love on a woman who wants it.
- Amen.

That's right.

Hit me with it straight, Denise.

Coast is clear. No one's
outside your apartment, doll.

Typical. That chump
ain't gonna fight for her.

Ladies, let's get shit-faced.

(LAUGHING)

(GROANS)

(EXCLAIMS)

You've fucked your last wife, Stensland.

Stensland?

No, no, no. Sir, my name isn't Stensland.

My name is Grady.

Wrong.

Oh, God!

- (GUN CLICKS)
- (WHIMPERING) Don't! God...

(CRYING)

Oh, God...

Hey, guy, the gun was
just to fuck with you.

So you're not gonna kill me?

No. My receptionist was listening
in when I threatened you,

which means I'd have to kill her as well.

And there's no way I'm
breaking in a new receptionist.

No, sir.

I am, however, going to kick
the ever-loving shit out of you.

(SOBS) No, please...

Please don't kick the
ever-loving shit out of me.

What are you doing?

I just... I bruise so easily.

Come on.

Huh...

- Just don't...
- You've urinated in your shorts.

Yes! You pointed a gun at my
face, and I already had to go.

Jesus, Morgan!

This is bullshit.

She really knows how to pick 'em.

She picked you to cheat with?

Yes. Are you still
kicking the shit out of me?

Yes, so just sit there and shut up.

Jesus Christ, your apartment looks like

the cargo hold of a pirate ship.

Thank you.

It's not a compliment, dumbass.

This is literally a shit hole.

It stinks.

What is that, beef chow
mein from last week?

And your bong water spilled everywhere?

And now it smells like your cowardly urine.

It smells like man.

Don't call yourself that in front of me.

(SNIFFS)

Huh.

I'll be damned.

I didn't realize they still made those.

"Shanty. Irish Mulligan Stew."

Hey, don't rag it.

That is a hearty bouillon
at an affordable price.

I know what it is.

It's all I ate when I was
poor and pathetic like you.

Well, the tradition continues.

What happened in your shorts?

It's a twosie.

(CRIES)

Mmm, mmm.

Mmm, that was good.

Okay, so level with me.

Did Morgan pay you to tell me you had sex?

STENSLAND: No. And I didn't
know she was married either.

Yeah.

Hey, why did you cheat on her?

I didn't cheat on her. God...

She picked up a scent of
perfume on one of my shirts,

so that got her to thinking,

and you know what happens when
vexed women start thinking.

Civilizations fall, son.

You can bank on that.

So after a couple of
business trips ran long,

the logical conclusion to her
irrational female intellect

was that I was in fact cheating.

Typical women.

A brother can't even be late and tired.

(STENSLAND GROANS)

That's for sure.

Oh, we give them our hearts,

our penises, and still
they do not trust us.

(STENSLAND VOMITING)

That was a good one.

The old shower vomit.

Yeah, I miss those days.

(STENSLAND COUGHING)

GRADY: Yeah, I mean,
after 15 years of marriage,

it's not so hot anymore.

Do I get the urge to mess
around with other women?

Of course I do.

You can't control what goes
through this mastermind.

No.

That'd go against the very nature of
man, the very essence of evolution.

When I get the desire to bang some strange,

I just go find a quiet place, rub one out.

Hence, desire quenched.

Hey, you don't have to
tell me about quenches.

I desire my quench all the fuckin' time.

But you don't hate me?

No, I don't hate you.

Morgan's a beautiful woman.

What are you gonna do?

Ah, don't worry about me.

Just get some rest.

(JACKHAMMER DRILLING)

(GROANS)

(GROANS)

(CLATTERING)

What the...

Ah, there's the ol' lush, sleeping in.

(CHUCKLES)

Oh, I hope you don't mind, I took
a couple of hits off the bong.

I hadn't gotten high since The
Stones' "Bridges To Babylon" Tour.

- Yeah.
- How do you like your eggs?

Um...

Scrambled?

Scrambled it is.

Four out of five American
men prefer scrambled.

Over there in Europe,
they're all about the poach.

Those guys are such pussies.

Bacon?

Uh, sure.

I had bacon? And eggs?

No. I went out and picked up a few things.

Yeah, including some luggage.

No, that was in the car.

So, you left her.

Temporarily. She'll
feel more guilt that way.

- (PHONE RINGS)
- (CHUCKLES) Ooh! Ah...

There she is. "Decline."

Oh, you know what? I saw this
article on the refrigerator.

Piqued my curiosity. "Men's
Life Crisis at Age 25."

Yeah, that's what's wrong with me.

There is now a life crisis
before the mid-life crisis

that experts are calling
the "early-life crisis."

Oh, that's clever.

Yeah. I've been stuck in one of those.

Yeah? For how long?

Just over eight years.

Close to a decade.

I'm suffering from over-ambitious
aspirations for myself,

so I worry about getting a better job,

I desire a nicer place to live,

and swankier clothes to
wear, and hotter girls.

And I want to attain all of this
while I'm eradicating my debt.

(CHUCKLES) It's ridiculous.

"Should adopt more realistic ambitions

"to feel happier and less stress."

That's easy for them to say.

They have an awesome job at a magazine.

Dickheads.

(EXHALES)

I'm moving in here for a while.

- What?
- Yeah.

Morgan's faithlessness has emboldened me

to take a vacation from her,

from our marriage, from my career.

Yeah. I want to spend it here.

You said it looked like a pirate
ship and smelled of beef noodles.

And you said it smelled
of man, and you were right.

I... I was?

Yes. What the fuck am I going to do?

I'm going to lay around a swanky hotel

swimming pool in a fluffy robe with
a slice of cucumber in my water?

Order caviar-topped potatoes?

Get massages?

I started making a little
bit of money as a lawyer

and turned into George Hamilton.

I don't know who that is.

Morgan is largely responsible
for me becoming fancy.

The flat screen had to be
moved out of the bathroom.

Can't eat any food anywhere
near the Italian bed linens.

She's even got me wearing pink
Polo shirts on the weekend.

Pink is sometimes nice.

Yeah, it's nice on birthday cakes.

But it doesn't belong on a
rough-riding son of a bitch like me.

Or you!

This whole man-shed experience has
brought me back to a blissful time

when I was emotionally unformed

and completely devoid of a
woman's redecorating tips.

All I did in those days
was follow my pecker around.

I didn't give a fuck
about anybody or anything.

Here. What I need is here.

I can do anything.

I can freeball on this ugly couch.

Don't say that.

I can eat chili fries
in that filthy shower.

I can binge-drink without
judgment anytime I want.

I appreciate you making
my man-shed sound poetic,

but why don't you just
get your own private flop?

Why do you need to share with me?

That's the genius part.

This is the ice cream on top of
the pie, on top of the candy bar.

You don't see it, do you?

I don't.

Morgan's fucked us both over, correct?

Very correct.

Do you know how batshit
crazy she is gonna go

when she finds out that
we're living together?

Ooh.

I'm going to pay the rent.

I'm gonna pay for utilities,

groceries, weed, booze, whatever.

I'm going to pay for everything.

(GASPS SOFTLY)

Rent's due on the first.

And the first variation
is to lean to one skate.

This is a really good
stretch for your side.

Okay, go ahead and come
up, square your shoulders.

Try to reach for your other skate.

(LOUD KNOCK ON DOOR)

Shit, that's a cop knock.

No, that's a Muumuu knock.

(GROANS)

Wait, this could be the weed talking,

but there's a cow at the door?

No, it's our indecipherable
landlord who only wears guess what?

- (SPEAKS PUNJABI)
- Sorry about the noise last night.

She sounds sexy.

Yeah, she's got charm for days.

Lyle, my old roommate,

he thinks she runs guns
out of the laundry room.

(GROANS)

- What are your plans for the rest of the day?
- Hmm...

These leg lunges supersede any
plans I had for the rest of my life.

INSTRUCTOR: (ON TV) Lean into it.

Don't forget to breathe.

(GRUNTS) You know where I've
always wanted to have lunch?

GRADY: How's it going with that hangover?

I think it's getting worse.

Well, damn it, boy, hit it
with another Engineer Beer.

Or some of that Choo-Choo Chicken.

Look at this.

We had breakfast, like, an hour ago.

Slow down. You're going to
give yourself a heart attack.

Get used to my gluttony.

I tend to eat a lot on vacation.

Did... That... Did... What the fuck?

That guy just took the last
of the Piggyback Potatoes!

Shh.

Shit.

That's why I'm here.

Oh, I am gonna have an excellent
bowel movement tomorrow.

- Guaranteed.
- (SIGHS)

So, what are your new aspirations

now that the antiquities
industry has shit-canned you?

Okay, um...

To own my own company that
makes me a lot of money.

What that company does,
I'm not really sure yet.

I'd like a vintage Cadillac
with original leather interior.

House on the water. Winter
home in the Virgin Islands.

I'd like a wife, hot, preferably Asian...

- I'm gonna stop you there.
- Yeah?

I'm gonna recommend that you
adopt more realistic ambitions

because it sounds like you're
a bit of an unrealistic dreamer.

Guilty.

I'm Pisces, so I view the world

through rose-tinted spectacles.

Oh, that stung all the
way to my brain stem.

You gotta be kidding me.

If you want to pick up a girl,

you gotta infuse your vocab with
a little bit more testosterone.

- Words like "tits" and "big tits."
- (GROANS)

Listen, Cadillacs and beach houses,

those are the dreams
of stupid, naive people.

That's not you, right?

Grady?

Yeah.

They put out more Piggyback Potatoes.

What?

When?

(BURPS) I find it a
little strange, actually,

that you blame "extreme muff deficiency"

as the root of my problems,

when the last muff I was
in belonged to your wife.

- Thank you.
- Thanks.

Let me ask you a question.

If a fat guy diets, exercises,

takes vitamins two weeks out of the year,

does that necessarily
make him a healthy person?

I get your point.

So how come you're not
out there closing some ass?

How? Where? I hate going
out. I hate going to bars.

The music's always so loud.

I can barely hear myself speak,

let alone the lady I'm
trying to connect with.

So it becomes this choreographed routine

of two people just leaning into
each other all night, saying, "What?

"What? What? What?"

Well, that's your problem.

Bars are not made for talking.

That's why the music is so loud.

You only need to be
concerned about two questions,

"What are you drinking?"
and, "Where are we humping?"

(LAUGHS)

Could you see that on a
T-shirt? I just made that up.

Unfortunately, yes, I
can see that on a T-shirt.

(GROANS)

Are you okay to drive?

No. Definitely not. Get in.

(GROANS)

What if you woke up
and you were 15 again?

JOEY: The funny thing is, I
don't feel that way anymore.

Oh... That was a delightful bubble bath.

Whose Mr. Bubble is this?

Who else lives here apart from you?

I thought it might've
been your old roommate's.

No, when people move out,
they bring their Mr. Bubble.

That's how it works.

Oh, well, you're out of Mr. Bubble.

What?

Jesus Christ, that was a new bottle.

You're only supposed to
use a capful. A capful!

It really smelled good, so
I just kept pouring it in.

What are you watching?

Ah. It's Dawson's Creek.

(EXHALES) Is this VHS?

Yup. I have every episode recorded
on their original air date.

I got them on eBay from
this woman in Delaware.

She sent them in this awesome
casket she made, too. Look.

Seriously, what is this show about?

It's about an ambitious young man

named Dawson Leery and his friends

as they learn all about love and
life in Capeside, Massachusetts.

Romantic entanglements and
growing pains are aplenty.

You are going to love it.

That sounds like the worst
fucking TV show I've ever heard of.

- No.
- Yeah.

We're not watching this.

Come on, find a sporting event
or something with car crashes.

Do you bite off Morgan's head like this

every time she wants to watch
her favorite programming?

We don't watch television together.

- Never?
- No.

I always thought the best part of marriage

would be settling in every night

to watch television with your life partner.

You know, making fun of
the weatherman's hair,

shouting out answers
during Family Feud.

Not even Top Chef?

No, not even Top Chef,
whatever the fuck that is.

We have jobs, and we work most nights.

That's sad.

What would you know about it, Stensland?

Get me the Doritos and a tumbler of Scotch.

- (SNAPPING FINGERS)
- Come on, come on, come on.

We don't have tumblers.

I'll put it in a jelly jar.

You don't have jelly jars either.

I threw them all out this morning.

STENSLAND: (SIGHS) God damn it.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

Hey, that's a Muumuu knock. You
want me to grab that, roomie?

No, I'll get it.

Sorry, we'll keep the fucking noise...

Good, you're alive.

What are you...

Grady said he was coming over
here to kill you last night, so...

You were worried about me.

No, I was worried about
instigating a murder.

Good night.

GRADY: Hey, Stens! I'm very
high, and I cannot feel my feet.

- Grady!
- Oh, shit!

Whoa, what are you doing here, man?

Um, you said you were going to
come here and kill him last night.

She was worried about me.

I was not worried about you, okay?

What are you doing here?

I thought you checked into
the Sorrento last night.

Nope. Nope, I live here now, woman.

What?

(LAUGHS) That's a joke, right?

No.

Stensland and I have bonded
over the mutual hatred of you.

Oh, well, "Hatred" is a strong word.

GRADY: See, unlike you and your sisterhood

of catty, hair-pulling harpies,

men can move past their
mistakes and form a fellowship.

A creed, if you will.
That's why we run the world.

Oh, and what an honorable job you
frat dickheads are doing, thank you.

Morgan, I don't hate you, per se.

- I'm just very upset...
- GRADY: Wait a second. Wait a second.

You said she lied to
you and broke your heart,

and you're going to stand over there

and kiss her ass like
you owe her something.

- Shut up.
- Grow some balls, Stensland.

Stop it, Grady!

- Fucking do it!
- Fine!

Morgan, I'm really fucking pissed at you!

You're very pretty, but you're a liar!

Get a load of this, sister.

Me and this fella right here,
we're taking a long Morgan vacation,

and if you don't like that,
then you can just head out

and find yourself another boy toy!

Yeah. High-five that shit.

Oh, this is so twisted, even for you.

- Is it?
- Okay, you know what?

Just so you know, it's not lost on me

how insulting this must be for you

that I cheated on you
with this child over here.

Don't mind me, Morgan, I'm
just standing right here.

- Will you just shut up?
- All right.

- Please? Just shut...
- Sorry. Yeah.

- I'll stop talking right now.
- You talk too much.

- Okay.
- Stop.

What was my next move
supposed to be, Grady?

I told you that we were losing touch,

that I needed more from
you, and you ignored me.

You blew off therapy, you
drifted further away from me.

I mean, what is someone supposed
to do when they're wandering around

in the emotional equivalent
of the Atacama Desert, huh?

Or starving for affection like
some Brazilian street orphan?

Is this BBC World News?

(LAUGHING)

Oh, Jesus, fuck you. Just fuck you.

This is our marriage, Grady.

We need to sit down, and
we need to talk, okay?

But I am not doing it here.

So please go get your stuff, and let's go.

No.

Sorry.

I'm going to stay here with Stensland

and watch an episode of
Darren's Stream.

That'd be Dawson's Creek.

You do that.

Jesus. What's with her cheap shots?

Aw, forget it.

You told her off like a
man. Didn't that feel good?

No, it exhausted me.

I'm going to go to bed for a few days.

What are you talking
about? It's not even 10:00.

I mean, the pubs are
crawling with young bug.

We've got to get out there,
we've got to get some.

I've got to cash in a
"bang some strange" card.

- No.
- Yes.

- No.
- Oh, yes. Come on.

Stensland says no!

Two double Black Labels
on the rocks, please.

- You got it.
- Thank you.

First prospect on the board.

Bartenders flirt for tips,
they can't be prospects.

Oh, come on.

Dogs beg for Milk-Bones, but
they still wanna hump your leg.

Now then, in scouting for a prospect,

you've got to take in the whole field.

You know what a baseball scout is, right?

I'm Irish, not Amish.

Good. That's good. I knew
you'd be good at this.

- There you go, boys.
- Thank you.

- Keep that tab wide open.
- Giddyup.

See?

(SNORTS AND GASPS)

Tonight we're muff scouts.

I know, it lacks wit, but it's real.

So, when we're scouting
quail, what are we looking for?

Body, face, what else?

Intelligence, sense of self, fashion.

No! That's the pink part of your brain

that allows you to enjoy
Dawson's Creek.

The end game is to get 'em nude,

sans fashion,
so it's never a factor.

But what is a factor is personality.

And it's as easy to spot as a panty line.

Are they laughing? Are they smiling?

Are they giving off any indication

that they're having a good time,

or that they're eager to
have a good time with you?

Many of them are going to be
wearing this precious little smile

that says, "Hey, please,
please come talk to me."

I know that little smile.

GRADY: Of course you
do, you fuckin' animal.

That's why they're drinking here

and not at home alone
with their kitty cats.

Now then, survey the showroom,

pick out a model, take her for a sex drive.

And for the sake of Christ,

keep drinking the rocket sauce.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

- ♪ All we wanna know is
- ♪ Papalock

- ♪ All we wanna see is
- ♪ Papalock

- ♪ All we wanna hear is
- ♪ Papalock

- ♪ We really wanna get some
- ♪ Papalock

- ♪ All we wanna know is
- ♪ Papalock

- ♪ All we wanna see is
- ♪ Papalock

- ♪ All we wanna hear is
- ♪ Papalock

- ♪ We really wanna get some
- ♪ Papalock

♪ If I had my way, I'd rather play

♪ Every day would be Saturday

♪ The mice gonna play
when the cat's away

♪ Oh, looking hot, yeah

♪ When the mic is on...

♪ I got the tightest game
I got the tightest song

♪ Right or wrong, you're
gonna hear them all ♪

- Hey!
- Hey.

What kind of drink is that?

It's a Harlem Mugger.

What?

A Harlem Mugger!

Oh! What's in it? Racism?

(GIGGLES) No, no, it's got vodka,
gin, white rum, tequila, champagne,

and a little cranberry juice.

Always gets me shitfaced.

Oh, my God. (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

What's a lovely girl like you doing

with a horrible drink like that?

Are you a bootlegger?

No, no.

I ordered it because it smells
just like this anti-fungal shampoo

I used to wash my pony with.

Oh, is that right?

Yeah, Gingerbelle.

I couldn't decide between the
names Gingerbread and Clarabelle,

so I combined them. Gingerbelle!

- That's interesting.
- (LAUGHS) I loved her so much.

Aw, Gingerbelle had this fungal
skin infection called "rain rot"

and on warm nights, I used to
snuggle up with her in the barn,

and then the bacteria from
her infection spread onto me.

I still can't grow hair

in my left armpit or half
my pubic region, but...

Bye.

Bye!

So the guy goes, "Hey, who
put the baby in the dryer?"

WOMAN: Excuse me, miss?

BARTENDER: Oh, man. Be right back.

What are you doing here?

Ugh, it's not gonna happen.

I got talking to a girl,
but she was into animals.

Really?

Not like that.

Before I even got her name,

she tells me about this pony she
caught a bacterial infection from.

Yeah, that's rain rot.

How do you know that?

I was in 4-H when I was a kid.

Look, it's nothing. It just makes you shed.

It's no big deal.

Go back out there and just
casually bring up your penis.

This is pathetic.

You do realize there's not a lady here

who can hold a candle to your wife, right?

Stensland! Don't bring her up again.

Get away from me.

- Everything okay here?
- Yeah.

Can I get another double, please?

Oh. And a shot of tequila.

The shittiest, cheapest
tequila that you have.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

Hi.

Hi.

Can you get the fuck up
and off my $700 jacket?

Oh.

I'm sorry.

- Just give it!
- Sorry.

Just watch where the fuck
you sit next time, dick face.

"Dick face"? Jesus Christ.

Why don't you tell your whore to
watch where she drops her shit?

(GASPS)

Oh.

No, I didn't say that, he said that.

- No. No, I didn't.
- What?

Listen, drink this, 'cause you're
gonna need it in about five minutes.

Who'd you call a whore, motherfucker?

I believe he's referring to her,

and, uh, he also bet me a fish taco

that he'd have her blowing him

- in the men's room by last call.
- What the fuck are you doing?

That is confidence.

- Oh, fuck! Okay.
- Outside, right now.

- Bitch.
- "Bitch"?

- Bitch.
- "Bitch"? Jesus.

Don't ever bring up a man's wife

when you're on bush patrol with him, okay?

You couldn't deal with a pony snuggler,

and you dragged me down with you,

and that has consequences.

Consequences that apparently
mean my death, asshole!

- Thanks a bunch!
- You're welcome.

God damn it!

Let's do this, pussy!

I can't believe you did this.
He's gonna put me in the hospital.

You know what, you pissed me off,

but now I feel a little shitty about it

because that fucking guy's huge.

He's a giant.

Do you know what? Aside from all
that, you need this, Stensland.

- Oh, I need this?
- Yes.

Violence is good for a guy.

It'll cure you of the desire to watch
Dawson's Creek every day. Right?

(ALL LAUGHING)

Hey, it's an award-winner! Best Drama,

Teen Choice Awards! Twice!

Use that anger.

You've been bullied your
whole life, Stensland.

Do something about it.

Put every prick's face that you
ever dealt with on that prick's face.

- You just shut up and leave me alone.
- Good.

MAN: Let do this, punk!

- Fuck!
- Nice shot.

All right. Proceed.

This will all end very soon.

GRADY: Come on, Stens.

Hey, freshman dork.
Look at those bitch hips!

Make good handles for your boyfriend, huh?

- (GRUNTS)
- CROWD: Oh!

GRADY: Keep 'em up. Get 'em up.

You either get giddy about
the antique furniture,

or get giddy in the unemployment line.

- (GRUNTS)
- GRADY: Come on, Stensy.

MORGAN: You're a child, Stensland.

A mistake.

I could never be your girlfriend.

- (GRUNTS)
- (CROWD LAUGHS)

- (YELLS)
- (CROWD GASPS)

(GASPING)

- Keep fighting!
- I did it! (LAUGHS)

GRADY: Stensy?

MORGAN: Stensland!

Mmm...

Hello, dolly.

Why do I have Wilford Brimley's mustache?

Stensland, you punched me in the face.

You felt that? I thought
it was only pretend.

(YODELING)

Whoa.

What's your assistant
doing in the Swiss Alps?

Care for a schmoke, Stensland?

Man, she's wearing the shit
out of those Hosen.

HANNAH: Come, Stensland.
Ja, is good.

Schmoke-ity,
schmoke-ity, schmoke-ity.

- Hmm.
- Ja, is good.

(BREATHS DEEPLY)

(GROANS)

I wanted a schmoke.

(CRIES)

Grady, you piece of shit.

And for some reason, she had two goats.

You're drooling jam.

(CLEARS THROAT) Okay. Okay.

So, we lived together for three years,

and by far the most scandalous
thing I ever saw you do was

roll the dice on some expired pudding cups

you found in the back of the fridge.

- A gamble I lost, if you remember.
- I do.

Yet, in the 48 hours since I moved out,

you blackmailed your mistress,

you had a gun stuck in your face,

you let your mistress's husband move in,

and you fist-fought a man
twice your size in an alley?

Yes.

Why didn't you unleash any of
this radness when I was there?

None of this is radness, Lyle.

I need this guy out of my place.

No, it's all radness, man.
Adventure is erupting all around you.

- And I'm hating it.
- No. No, you don't realize you're loving it.

Soldiers go to war, and they hate it,

yet it's all they talk
about when they get back.

I'm a prematurely old man who wants

nothing more than a
comfortable place to sit

and a diet root beer to
enjoy the silence with.

I can't deal with all this.

You remember Final Destination
and its subsequent sequels?

The teenagers cheated Death,

and then Death came after
them to finish the job?

- Great movie.
- Yeah.

I think you cheated Youth in your 20s

by denying yourself sex, and
reckless behavior, and Fun in general.

Now Fun's come back to claim your soul,

and it's come in the form
of a middle-aged pervert.

What if I outwit Fun?

Perform the old switcheroo to
defend my geriatric way of life.

No, no, you can't outwit Fun, man.

Especially when you're broke,
and Fun's paying the rent.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

Shit!

Hannah!

What are you doing down
there? Did you find a penny?

No. I'm hiding from an annoying asshole.

Oh.

Listen, I just want to
apologize for the other day.

I had my panties in a pretty tight bunch.

I brought another apology
in the form of a warm scone.

A scone?

Yeah, it's from the German
term "Schonbrot."

Speaking of the old country,

do you happen to have any Germanic breeding

or own a pair of exotic
Lederhosen, by chance?

Nice eye shadow.

Oh, yeah, this is just a shiner

from a drunken duke-out I had last night.

- You did?
- Yeah.

Wow. You know, that's really sexy.

Really?

It's the weirdest thing. I'm
seeing you in this whole new light.

Well, you should see
the other guy. He's fine.

I kind of want you.

- Really?
- No. Go away.

Oh.

Listen...

I'm coming up to see Morgan.

Can't you just leave her alone?

She had me out drinking until
2:00 in the morning last night,

ranting and raving over the sick mind game

that you and Grady are playing.

You two jackoffs are
fucking up my shit now.

Have you tried smoking pot to cool down?

It helps me unwind when I'm
stressed out, like you are now.

Plus, it really increases
my orgasm when I masturbate.

- ALL: Oh.
- Oh, my God.

You remind me...

Of a girlish Tilda Swinton?

I get that all the time.

No, of a rash I picked up in South America.

Headache, nausea, made my skin crawl.

Sounds like the symptoms of
lovesickness. Maybe I'm growing on you.

(LAUGHS)

You couldn't grow on me with all
the seeds and soil in the world.

Eh. Could you tell Morgan I'm here?

She's in a meeting.

Please. We need to talk about Grady.

Thanks for staying late, guys.
I'll see you tomorrow, okay?

Hello.

(SNIFFS) Ooh. Caramel
macchiato. Excellent choice.

Do you want me in on this?

Actually, yes. I do want the
restraint of a witness present.

Hmm, I'd prefer a private sitdown,

so if you don't mind, Hannah.

Is he really living with you?

Yes, he even went grocery shopping.

(SCOFFS)

He's fucking unbelievable.

- You want to know what else he's doing?
- No. What?

Hitting on strange girls,
trying to have sex with them.

Gross, charmless creatures,

not even in your evolutionary
strain, let alone your league.

- No, he isn't.
- Yes, he is!

Okay, relax.

We went out last night "muff scouting."

- His despicable words, not mine.
- Okay, enough.

Do you really want to stay with this man?

A man who'd use your infidelity

- as nothing more than a...
- Okay, will you stop?

..."wham, bam, ram another
ma'am for free" card?

Okay, yeah, enough. Out. Out, go.

Step inside my new kind of love!

Go! Go home to your boyfriend.

You need weed very badly.

Auf Wiedersehen, loser!

German? I knew it.

(SIGHS AND CHUCKLES)

- Where are you going?
- I'm going to see Grady.

I mean, I screwed this up,
but it's his fault, too.

No, Morgan...

He can't act like this, okay?

He should be fighting for me, for us.

You would just be wasting your breath.

He is a brain-damaged ape. They all are.

As soon as they get a head full of
steam, they're impossible to control.

So, just let him beat
his chest, wag his dick,

whatever else he needs to do
to start thinking clearly again.

He will come crawling back, I promise.

Now, come on. Worry about you.

Worry about this pitch.

(SIGHS)

- I don't pay you enough, do I?
- No, you don't.

Let's remember that.

(SPEAKS PUNJABI)

There he is. You ready for
round two there, slugger?

It's ladies' night at
a whiskey bar downtown.

No, no. My head is still
throbbing from last night.

That's evidence of an excellent
two-fisted outing. Congrats.

No, I was hoping we could stay in,

you know, put some ice cubes in the
bong shaft for a nice cool smoke,

order some Thai, maybe hit up
some Easy Listening on Pandora.

Come on, buddy, that sounds like

a fuckin' baby shower in Portland.

We're not gonna get laid like that.

Let's get a little pre-party buzz
going before the Uber arrives.

Listen, I know you're on
vacation and everything,

but just because I agreed to room with you

doesn't mean that I also agreed
to a nightly Rat Pack tribute.

I'm staying in tonight.

You're gonna do what I say,

and that is that we're going out.

You're not the boss of me.

"stopbullying.gov." Visit it.

You know what I've got in here?

The private number of every police chief

and circuit judge in the county.

Big whoop.

How do you think those people would feel

about your attempt to
blackmail my wife for $15,000?

Yeah, that's not good for you.

Here's what's gonna happen.
You're gonna get dressed.

No hoodies, no sneakers, no
disturbingly tight shorts.

I want my wingman to look like a real man.

(GRUNTING)

So I make the mistake
of dressing as sexy Gumby

to my Halloween office party,

and I'm hiding in this room

because my drunk, douchey boss is
always wanting to fuck me and stuff.

So Grady finds me all
upset in the Xerox room,

and he just gives me
this pep talk, you know?

Like, about quitting my job,
and about opening my own firm,

and just fucking getting
life by the balls, you know?

So, five minutes later, my
fucker boss gooses my ass,

so I pick up this bowl of hummus,

and I just smash it over
the fucker's head. Seriously.

Grady was so great at the police station.

I mean, he stood by my side, he got me off,

and then, you know, he got me off.

(LAUGHS)

And, you know, we've just
been together ever since.

He asked if you wanted
chicken on your nachos.

That's not what I heard.

Oh, Jesus, what is this?
It smells like a dead body.

- MacCoinnich.
- What?

Quadruple-distilled. Drink it.

Oh, my God, it's burning me.

It's burning everything.

92% alcohol.

It's what Scottish priests would
drink whenever they were constipated.

Here, do another.

I don't really want to do another one.

- The second one is better.
- Is it?

Do it.

That actually makes me... (GAGS)

Oh, my God, it's worse.

Yeah. It's killing all the
tumors in your throat right now.

- You all right?
- Yeah.

Come on. Drink another.

I mean, we're...

Down the haggis hole.

(YELPS)

Yeah!

(BREATHES SHALLOWLY)

(ROARS)

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

Hey. You wanna talk?

(SNEEZES)

Who brought a cat?

How long was I out?

About an hour.

Is it midnight yet?

No, it's 9:30.

Come on, keep drinking.

(VOMITS)

I believe it was Hemingway who once wrote,

"No man is truly a man till he vomits

"behind Big Jim's Pancake House."

(LAUGHING)

Let's go, Grandpa, fuck or fight?

GRADY: Those are hurtful words, Jerry.

You know, I bluffed the DA
when I had your charges dropped,

but I'm not bluffing today.

Look at that.

Hey, wait a second.

Where the fuck is everybody?

Stensland.

She's left him.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

Grady, let me in!

(SPEAKING PUNJABI)

Grady!

Let me in! Grady, please let me in!

STENSLAND: I have had more
alcohol than oxygen for a week.

I can't wait to get home and
slip into my jimmy-jammies.

Cabbie, Campus and 27th. Step on it.

What campus? Campus?

CROWD: (CHANTING) Stensland!
Stensland! Stensland!

Stensland! Stensland! Stensland!

Stop it!

I said, shut up, God damn it!

- (PANTING)
- (MUSIC STOPS)

What's wrong with you people?

Has the collegiate experience
become so dull in this country

that causing irreversible
harm to your bodies

with this binge drinking is
the only way to have a hoot?

(PANTING)

This isn't fun!

This is sadomasochism!

Have you never heard of board games?

Scattergories is a laugh riot!

Whatever happened to Spin the Bottle

and kiss-chasing on the green?

You're all alcoholics.

You need to attend meetings!

Well, screw it, I'm making a stand!

Let's put an end to these
black sabbaths and brain damage!

Join me and say,

"We don't have to be
party animals to be cool!"

(SIGHS)

Let's make him drink from the hobo's boot!

ALL: Yeah!

ALL: (CHANTING) Hobo's boot! Hobo's boot!

Hobo's boot! Hobo's boot!

Hobo's boot! Hobo's boot!

Hobo's boot!

Hobo's boot! Hobo's boot! Hobo's boot!

How did that boot taste, buddy?

Like homelessness in my mouth.

Why did you make them refill it?

We didn't have enough camera
coverage for the YouTube video.

Hey, it was the hit of the
party. You're gonna be a legend.

Please tell me you found your
"bang strange" lady tonight.

I didn't, I didn't,

but Bacardi's is hosting a
pool party tomorrow night.

There'll be fur-burgers
grilling all night long.

- Tomorrow?
- Tomorrow night.

- I don't...
- Come on. Come on, watch your head.

Watch your head, watch
your head, watch your head.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER ON RADIO)

(SIGHS)

You know what? We're going
to take a quick detour.

Uh...

When you hit this stop
sign, let's go to the right.

(SIGHS)

My tummy hurts.

(GROANS)

Uh, we'd better get going.

(SIGHS)

- STENSLAND: Oh, God!
- (SOFT THUD)

Uh, we need to turn around.

He fell out.

Where did I come from?

HANNAH: Thank you.

Stensland?

Oh...

Please don't be mean to me right
now. I'm hanging on by a thread.

What the hell are you doing here?

I'm hiding from Grady.

At Soft Solutions?

Yeah. It's my favorite place.

It's clean, comfortable,
the staff are warm-hearted.

Stensy!

Hey, Brandon, looking
svelte, hombre.

They're so nice to me here.

Oh, God, you're weird.

Okay, well, I'll leave you to it.

No, no, no, please don't go.

Come on. We need to talk.
Let's square our beef.

Come and check out the "Casual
Refinement" Living Room set, huh?

- Seriously?
- Yeah.

(SIGHS)

There we go.

Take a deep breath, relax.

Let the comfort and ambience envelop you.

So, madam, what brings you
to Soft Solutions today?

Are you shopping for a
new home or just browsing?

None of the above.

Returning a hideous Moroccan
throw rug for Morgan.

God damn it. I picked that out for her.

You did?

You met Morgan here?

Yeah. In Decor Enrichments.

God, she was so beautiful.

I was intimidated, to say
the least, but, I don't know,

I got brave, we started
talking, and we clicked.

I just wanted a girlfriend.

Aw.

Okay, listen, let me give you
a tip as your search continues.

Going psycho and blackmailing a woman

isn't going to change her mind
about your boyfriend potential.

- That's fair enough.
- Yeah.

You know she really loves Grady, right?

Yeah, I know.

God, I can't wait to get
these people out of my life.

- Then kick Grady out.
- I can't.

I'm a blackmailer, remember?
He could have me arrested.

I'm his Kunta Kinte until
he decides to set me free.

That's not gonna happen until he
balances the scales with Morgan

and gets his revenge schtup.

Okay, so then what are you doing

to help him on this ridiculous mission?

Nothing. I hate going out.

I'm a total curmudgeon.

And a whiny little bitch.

I wear pajama tops and
flip flops to nightclubs.

You have the social skills of
a truck driver with Asperger's.

I'm a horrible wingman.

You're like a colossal cockblocker.

Oh, my God.

Hannah.

I'm the reason Grady hasn't
pulled the dick trigger.

Good God, you're a genius.

You're just realizing this now?

Grady? Where are we headed tonight?

I am parched for hootch!

GRADY: Dear Dumbass.

I have some work to
get done at the office.

Consider yourself on parole.

Love, the Motherfucker in Charge.

(SCOFFS)

Not on my watch, Kemosabe.

(MUTTERS INDISTINCTLY)

Yeah, looking good, Stensy.

Keep the change, baby.

Get yourself something nice.

(LAUGHING)

What was that?

(BARKS)

It's checking out time.

What the fuck are you doing here?

Put that shit away. It's Thursday
night, weekend's already started.

Jesus Christ, you look like shit.

Is that my Rocco Richetti pinstripe?

Yeah. Fits like a condom, right?

All I'm saying is Ladies' Night

at the Trinity Club is already in progress.

Three floors of DJs,
dancing, and binge drinking.

You take all those ingredients,
put 'em in a muffin pan,

when they come out of the oven,

they're hot, sweaty,
and destined for regret.

Come on. Are we gonna settle
the score with Morgan or what?

Let's finish what you fuckin' started.

You know what? You're right.

Fuck it. Let's do it.

(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)

Who is the ringleader? You're
up! You're up. You're up.

Who is the ringleader? You're
up! You're up! You're up!

Who is the ringleader? You're...

- Wow. You guys live here?
- Yeah.

We've stripped away all the
snobbery of modern trendy furnishing

to create a streamlined
hidey-hole of purified partying.

We call it "beatnik chic."

- Works for me.
- Cool.

- Tequila!
- Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!

Fuck. I lasso Doublemint twins for us,

and you sit here like
a gassy infant? Come on!

- What the fuck happened to you?
- CARRIE: Burns so good, baby.

Ai!
Yi-yi-yi-yi!

- Was that a Middle Eastern war cry?
- That was.

- Where did that come from?
- I don't know.

You get up off of your vagina.

You're embarrassing yourself. Come on.

(SIGHS) Fuck.

The next one's for you, handsome.

Remember what we're doing here.

Thank you.

Are we too cray-cray for you, Grady?

(LAUGHS) Yes.

You'll have to excuse my friend.

He gets bashful around beautiful women.

- Aw!
- Aw!

- We need music.
- Yes!

Whoa... Cool! Records,
just like my nana's house.

The next shots are gonna
come out of my navel, boys.

- Here, help me up, Stensy.
- Ooh. Yeah.

I got it. Billy Ocean!

Oh. Oh, no, no, no.

(CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY) You know, I don't
think Billy Ocean is such a good idea.

SAMANTHA: Who's Billy Ocean?

What's your problem with Billy Ocean?

I... I just react strangely
to his music, okay?

I just... I just have an
emotional relationship.

There's a lot of history there,
okay? So, don't put it on.

GRADY: Hmm. You hear that, girls?

Stensland reacts strangely
to Billy Ocean's music.

No, no, no, elaborate.

- No, I don't really...
- Come on! Please?

- No, no, no, because...
- GRADY: Stensy...

Fine, fine, okay. It's...

It's kind of sappy, but,
uh, it's genuine Stensland.

All right.

Amber McGinnitty was the prettiest

12-year-old in the
history of 12-year-olds.

She loved Billy Ocean, and I
loved her, so I studied him.

He was everything I wasn't.
Suave, soulful, fashionable, black.

My mother made me a little
white suit just like Billy's.

I put it on, locked myself in my
bedroom, and danced to his jams.

And then I'd cry and feel sorry for myself.

Oh...

Aw...

So, anytime I hear the
sounds of the Ocean now,

it just puts me in mind
of Amber McGinnitty.

Well, did you ask her out?

Yes, to the Tropical Para-dance.

And she said yes?

- Oh!
- Oh...

- Oh...
- Ooh.

- CARRIE: Oh, Stensy...
- Oh, that's nice.

Hey. Hey, hey. I would
hug you, too, but, um...

I've got a beverage in my bellybutton.

- Come on.
- Come on.

Um...

Suck me.

CARRIE: Do it. Suck her.

(MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKER)

♪ Get outta my dreams

♪ Get into my car

(LAUGHS)

(YELLS)

SAMANTHA: Go, Stensy!

(WHOOPING)

♪ Get into my life

(GRUNTS)

- ♪ Oh, I said, "Hey"
- ♪ Hey

- ♪ You
- ♪ You

♪ Get into my car

CARRIE: Yeah, Stensy! Whoo!

♪ Let me take your wheel

♪ Smooth operator

Whoo!

(SAMANTHA AND CARRIE LAUGHING)

- Whoo! (LAUGHING)
- (LAUGHING)

♪ Make it real

♪ Like a road runner

♪ Coming after you

♪ Just like a hero

♪ Outta the blue

♪ I'll be your non-stop lover

♪ Get it while you can

♪ Your non-stop miracle

♪ I'm your man

♪ Get outta my dreams

♪ Get into my car

♪ Get into my car

♪ Get outta my dreams

♪ Get in the back seat baby

♪ Get into my car

♪ Beep beep, yeah

♪ Get outta my dreams

♪ Get into my car ♪

Fucking slut.

(MUSIC STOPS)

What?

I'm sorry. Samantha is a fucking slut.

You're nice, Stensland. It's just...

I kind of had my heart set on Grady,

and fucking bitch Samantha does it again!

She just sluts it up so early
that they can't even choose

when it comes time to pick rooms,

and then I just always get
stuck with the, you know...

With the what?

With the dorky one?

With the pale and waifish
pity case? The goat boy?

The sad sack who only watches
programming intended for teen girls?

(CRIES)

CARRIE: I'm sorry.

Oh, my God! This bathroom
is disgusting! (CRIES)

(PHONE VIBRATING)

(SIGHS)

What?

GRADY: Well, I did it last night.

You did what last night?

She was young and quite gorgeous.

So, how's it feel?

(SIGHS)

It feels awful.

Is there anything else?

No.

I've got nothing else to say, Morgan.

Well, then goodbye, Grady.

Goodbye.

Oh, hey.

Sorry about last night.

Yeah.

Whatever.

(SNIFFLES)

(SIGHS)

Hey, Stensland.

Good morning, Michael.

- Thank you.
- Okay.

BILLY: Excuse me, can you help me?

I'm sorry, I don't actually work here.

Are you Billy Ocean?

Feelin' pretty blue, huh, Stensy?

(SIGHS) Deep blue, Billy.
I fucked up, big style.

You sure did, my pale friend.

I indulged Grady's penis when it
was his heart that needed a hand.

Ah, this beach party ain't over, Stensy.

It runs on island time.

What's track number six
off of Love Zone?

Track number six...

It's Never Too Late To Try.

Slip on a new pair of boat shoes.

The world needs your help, Stensy.

In fact, I need your help right now.

- You do?
- I do.

Where can I find me a love
seat impervious to cat pee?

What?

Do you know, young man?

I... Wait, where did your breezy suit go?

You're not Billy Ocean.

Breezy suit? Focus, son.

I'm looking for a love
seat that won't stain

when my wife's crazy
cat takes a whizz on it.

Oh.

Yeah, uh, of course.

Well, the "Home Sweet Home" collection

has an optional stain-resistant fabric.

Excellent.

Come right this way, sir.

Now, this textile has the
look and feel of cotton,

but totally kicks blemishes to the curb.

Perfect. Does it come in tropical print?

- HANNAH: Morgan!
- Oh, jeez.

Did you eat all the Bismarcks? There's
not gonna be enough for the clients.

I'm sorry. I'm a little
upside down right now.

Oh, Grady. Grady finally
got his revenge last night.

He what?

Oh...

Yep.

- Who was it?
- I don't know,

but up in here, she looks like
Jessica Rabbit, only sexier.

I'm sorry. You can't be that surprised.

No, you're right, I'm not.

Can we look on the bright side?

We have more donuts?

No. Now, in Grady's stubborn mind,

the scales have finally been balanced.

He's shot his spiteful
wad, and we both know

what happens to guys
after they blow their load.

They get real.

It's too late to get real, Hannah.

I mean, it is over. It is over
like smoking on planes is over.

I'm telling you, if he was
to walk in here right now

and get down on his knees

with the Hope Diamond, I
would not take him back.

Fuck him.

Fuck him and his... His dreamy blue eyes.

Oh, God, I hope Judy in
Accounting has mini-Snickers.

Oh, hello there.

Just wanted to pay you in
advance for the kid's rent.

Just a couple of months.

(SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)

Stensland.

Thank you.

(SPEAKS PUNJABI)

- Hey.
- You got a job?

Yeah, my new grindstone.

(CHUCKLES) Well, you look sharp.

- Thanks.
- Congratulations.

Where are you going?

Ah, get some work done, then
check into the Four Seasons.

I tormented you long enough.

You slept with Samantha, I assume?

No, I didn't. I couldn't.

(CHUCKLES)

Well, you know,

the heart pumps blood into the penis,

but when that heart is broken...

- Oh, God, give me a break.
- ...the penis...

My penis wasn't the problem, dumbass.

And if you're so smart about this stuff,

why did she fuck around
on me to begin with?

- With you!
- I don't know.

Isn't marriage supposedly
harder than pole vaulting?

My parents lasted for four
years and threw in the sponge.

You and Morgan prevailed for 15.

But after 15 years of anything,

even something good is bound
to fritz a little, right?

I don't know if it's been good
for a long time, Stensland.

Whose fault is that, do you think?

I'm sorry, but why don't you just go home?

To Morgan.

You know she's sorry! You are too!

Because everything has changed, that's why.

No, look, your love has just been tested.

Like Aladdin in the Cave of Wonders,

or when Wonka's golden ticket-holders
got Everlasting Gobstoppers.

You passed the test, Grady.

You still love each other!

Sometimes, you have to
lose somebody completely

before you can figure out
what they really mean to you.

Why don't you go and tell her that?

I appreciate you caring.
It's not that simple.

Goodbye, Stensland.

Your butch ego is getting in the way

of your happiness, you asshole!

You're really not going to her?

No, I am not going to her.

Okay. Well... I am.

You wanna know why she
cheated on you? The truth?

It's because of me.

I'm the romantic and sensitive type of man

Morgan knows she should've married.

All I had to do was pay
her one gooey compliment,

and those waterlogged
panties hit the floor.

Ker-splash.

Your wife is the finest piece

of ass and boobs I've ever tasted,

and I'm going right back
to her office, right now

to get me some more!

Son of a bitch. Stensland!

My tongue is gonna be in her
vagina so long, it'll pickle!

I'm gonna make her go...

(IMITATES MORGAN MOANING)

All over again!

Come on. I'm gonna fucking kill you.

You don't deserve her! I do!

I'm gonna bury you, dig
you up, and kill you again!

I'm killing you.

Hey, girls.

Sorry.

- (GULPS) I owe you one.
- No problem, sweetheart.

Stensland, you little prick!

Ooh.

Must be the husband.

- I guess so.
- Mm-hmm. I'd tap that.

(SPEAKS PUNJABI)

STENSLAND: Not now, Muumuu!

Stensland!

Ooh!

(SCREAMS)

(BARKING)

Stay! Stay! Stay!

Stay! Stay, stay!

What the... Those are
$2,000 pants, asshole!

Morgan needs a fresh young buck,

not a bitter old nelly! Fuck you!

Son of a bitch.

What the hell do you want?

- GRADY: Stensland!
- (YELLS)

Hey! Hey!

Come back here, you little shit!

Son of a bitch!

(GRUNTS)

Where the fuck...

- Counselor?
- Tiny!

Carrot-top,
half-pants, which way?

Through the house. Want a knife?

No, I'm good. Thanks, Tiny.

Re-draw hearing Tuesday!
Judge's chambers! Don't be late!

That's my lawyer.

I'm gonna put my willy in her!

Son of a bitch!

Fuck you!

Die, fucker.

Taxi! Sorry.

So, where to, gentlemen?

Okay.

(PANTS NERVOUSLY)

- Going up, in her vagina.
- You little bitch.

(GRUNTS)

So, what impact does traditional

earned media have in the marketplace?

Well, I'm going to tell you.

- (ELEVATOR DINGS)
- Oh, shit.

Call the paramedics!

Now you're going to get
the ass-kicking you deserve.

Could you just free my windpipe?

- No.
- I'm getting an erection.

MORGAN: Call security, please.

(STAMMERS) I'm really
sorry, everyone. Um...

I apologize.

We are going to have to
reschedule this. I'm so sorry.

So...

HANNAH: Okay, folks. I'll call you
tomorrow to reschedule. Thank you.

- Sorry.
- The pitch was blown anyway.

Thank you. Grady.

Hannah.

Four weeks, I've been
working on that presentation.

Morgan, he's come to apologize.

- Wait, hang on.
- Yes, you did, Grady.

Morgan,

you should've seen how he reacted

when I told him I was coming
here to fuck you again.

He was transformed into
a violent love werewolf.

Cursed not by the bite
of another love wolf,

but by his ferocious, undying
love for you, his luminous bride.

This romance has teeth, people.

Your saga puts me in mind of
Napoleon and Josephine in many ways.

- Despite adultery and...
- Stensland.

Yeah? Oh.

Come on, Grady.

(SIGHS)

We wouldn't have burst in like this

if I'd known that, you
know, the pitch was today.

Oh, but how would you have
known about this pitch?

It didn't involve you.

It doesn't matter.

Hannah's right. It was
screwed from the beginning.

Really?

But you're the best
PowerPoint player in the game.

Yeah, well, you know what?

Not on the day that my husband calls me

to tell me he screwed someone else.

Right.

He's gonna fuck this up.

No, he won't.

Come on, Grady, give her the straight shit.

Listen, Morgan, I, uh...

I lied about that.

I didn't sleep with anybody.

I tried, but I didn't.

Why not?

Because I couldn't stop thinking about you.

And about us.

That's good.

I owe you an apology, and I get that now.

Grady, what do you get?

That I'm the one that
screwed up our marriage.

I neglected you, and I abandoned us.

And your firm took off,
and my career took off...

I tried. I was trying so hard, Grady.

I know you did.

I saw it. But I was stupid, and I was lazy,

and I took you, the only woman
I've ever been in love with,

I took you for granted, just like a...

An asshole.

And I'm sorry, Morgan.

But assholes can learn.

And I think, in a positive
way, our love has been tested.

Not unlike Aladdin in the Thunder Cave,

or even Willy Wonka when
he was giving food away

- to the homeless.
- What?

He's getting Wonka all wrong.

Oh, Grady. I'm sorry, too.

(SIGHS)

Look, I do know one thing.

Sometimes you have to
completely lose somebody

before you can really
appreciate what they mean to you.

Fucker.

- I'm almost impressed right now.
- Oh, don't be.

Grady subconsciously knew what I was doing.

- You think?
- Yeah.

He's too mule-headed to
come see her on his own,

so I just gave him an
excuse rooted in an emotion

he's comfortable expressing.
Blind, vengeful fury.

Hmm.

On second thought, that is pretty
impressive. Admire me accordingly.

- (ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)
- (CHUCKLES)

(SIGHS)

Well, as Mary Poppins and a
paraphrased Jesus once said,

"My work here is done."

Goodbye, Hannah.

Bye.

- You're welcome.
- What?

Hey!

Oh.

We wanted to thank him.

Yeah, well, it'll have to wait.

He's on to his next adventure. Or whatever.

He seems different
somehow. Like, I don't know.

Like a big, beautiful condor

that people will respect and fear.

"I can't believe that used
to be Stensland," they'll say.

"I can't believe that
used to be Stensland."

Subtitles by explosiveskull

(MUSIC PLAYING)

♪ Hi, everybody

♪ I'm Archie Bell of the Drells

♪ Of Houston, Texas

♪ We don't only sing but we dance

♪ Just as good as we walk

♪ In Houston

♪ We just started a new dance

♪ Called the tighten up

♪ This is the music
we tighten up with

♪ First tighten up on the drums

♪ Come on now, drummer

♪ I want you to
tighten it up for me now

♪ Oh, yeah

♪ Tighten up on that bass now

♪ Tighten it up

♪ Ha, ha, yeah

♪ Now let that guitar fall in

♪ Oh, yeah

♪ Oh, yeah

♪ Tighten up on that organ now

♪ Yeah, you do the tighten up

♪ Yeah, now

♪ I said, "If you can do it now

♪ "It sure would be tough"

♪ Now look here

♪ Come on now Now make it mellow

♪ Let's tighten it up now

♪ Do the tighten up

♪ Everybody can do it now

♪ So get to it

♪ We're gonna tighten up

♪ Let's do the tighten up

♪ You can do it now

♪ So, baby, get to it

♪ Look to your left now

♪ Look to your right

♪ Tighten it up You can get it

♪ Move to your left

♪ Move to your right

♪ Tighten it up now

♪ Everything will be outta sight

♪ Come on and tighten it up

♪ Tighten it up now

♪ You can do it ♪

(LAUGHING)

That is delightful and witty.

I know.