Original subtitles

There's no room!

Dad! Dad!

Dad! There's no room!

No, no, no. No. Fuck, Dad, please?

I told you, there's no room. Fuck!

I told you. Find someplace else.

Fuck!

HE GASPS Fuck...!

What do you think?

I'd have used flame‐throwers.

What do you...? Wh‐What?

Flame‐throwers, against the zombies. No.

I didn't say... Or...

Or a crossbow with flaming arrows from an elevated position

and you just pick them off one by one.

I didn't say zombies, did I? They sound like zombies.

I didn't say zombies. I said they're like normal‐looking people.

Yeah, but what if the zombies have developed the ability

to disguise themselves as normal people?

It's like three times, I've told you now that they're not zombies

and it's just not sinking in.

They were normal‐looking people.

And the reason I'm having these fucked‐up dreams,

it's cos of all them pills you've put me on.

If you pick me up and shook me, I'd sound I'm like a maraca.

You can point your finger at the meds for your sleep distribution,

but the content of your dreams,

that's between you and your subconscious.

And there's environmental considerations.

Well, like what?

Like living alone in the big, dark woods smoking fat blunts

and watching serial killer documentaries till you fall asleep.

I find 'em fucking fascinating.

Soothing.

Look, why don't you try a change of scene?

Go and stay somewhere else, see if that has any effect on your dreams.

Or, failing that, buy yourself a flame‐thrower.

For fuck's sake...!

Do you want to see something horrible?

Yeah, go on.

I had this patient in today. Have you seen the Elephant Man?

Yeah, I've seen the Elephant Man, yeah. John Merrick.

Makes John Merrick look like Linda Lusardi. Watch this.

Oh, fuck! HE CHORTLES

Wait till I zoom in. I couldn't do anything with it.

I went through three knives!

THEY LAUGH

I shouldn't show it to you. Oh, I hate myself.

Jim's got a spare room. Yeah, but it's...

But it's a racist room. Do you know what I mean?

I can't be staying in a racist room, it's gonna make me feel worse.

Stay at mine, if you like. I not staying at yours.

Dude, fuck... Sorry.

Why would I stay at yours? You've got...

I'm sorry. Come on.

You've got a llama, there's fucking Carol.

I just... I need my own space.

You don't like sharing a toilet is more like it.

No, I don't like sharing a toilet, Dylan, because I'm a shy...

I'm... I'm a shy poo‐er and I don't like the idea

that someone could just fucking blaze on in on me, mid‐squit.

Why don't you stop here tonight?

Kath and Sandra are off to see Tinsley in Rhyl.

You'd have the whole pub to yourself. Yeah?

Kath's room. The decor is a bit niche,

but she has a lovely, comfy bed.

Ashley, where the fuck is everyone?

I've got the pub to myself here and everyone has deserted me.

I'm with Tommo, helping him out with something.

Oh, yeah? What's the big mystery?

Er, nothing, no, no. It's, er, just this thing.

What thing?

I borrowed 50 quid off him last week

and now he's got me paying it back, doing a bunch of...

.."entertaining" for these old girls.

Ha, ha! You're joking?

I wish I was.

Right! Chop‐chop. Show time!

I have to go, Vin. No worries.

Now then, I want you to get out there...

..and give those lovely ladies a fucking night to remember.

Here you are, do summat sexy with it.

He loves it, really.

Ah, that's it.

Go on, get in! WOMEN SCREAM

Gina will be in first thing to clean.

I'll be in from ten to open up.

Right.

Goodnight, love. Night, love.

DOOR CREAKS OPEN

DOOR CLOSES

Hm...

TV: What the neighbours didn't realise was that Robinson had,

in fact, killed his mother several years earlier

and slept alongside her mummified remains in her bed.

During a search of the property, the police uncovered the remains

of 12 bodies that had been dismembered,

as well as a trophy wall featuring framed photographs

of each of his victims...

TV: ..the victims throughout their own homes in the dead of night.

VINNIE: It's like a self‐perpetuating nightmare.

My fucking subconscious is out to get me or summat.

Hm? Fuck me...

Dyldo, are you listening, you? No, I am.

All right, what did I just say then?

You were going on about zombies or something.

I didn't say zombies.

I never mentioned zombies. Nobody listens to me!

Dude, I'm baked man. You know? What do you want me to say?

I don't fucking know what I want you to say.

I've just told you I've just had a brutal dream

about a group of sinister fucking...

..joggers.

Wow.

Fuck off!

Dude, it wasn't real, was it?

If it were real, then I'd be more engaged. But it wasn't, so I'm not.

Oh, lah‐di‐dah!

Fucking Dylan.

Jesus Christ, forgive me.

Forgive me for not having a more engaging zombie dream.

Dylan, the police are downstairs! What?

The police are downstairs! Fuck. Vin, I've got to go.

They want to talk to you. What? What do they want?

Did they say what it was about? No, but they don't look happy.

Shit, shit, shit, shit. I'm too high for this. Oh, Jesus Christ!

Dylan? Er... Er...

Dylan? What? What?

Your face was priceless!

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Are the police here?

No. It's, erm... It's my parents.

Oh. They've come back with some friends.

HE EXHALES HEAVILY

Come down and say hi.

Oh, everyone, this is my friend Dylan.

Hello, Dylan. Hi.

Hi, Dylan. Hi, Dylan.

Thanks...

..for, er...

..well, for coming.

So, where do you come from, Dylan?

Er, upstairs.

In Sara's bedroom.

No, no. Not doing anything. Just, I was...

I was just watching her get changed.

While she got changed.

I was looking right out of the window

for the duration of her being...

..naked.

Oh, sorry, sorry.

Oh...

It's on silent. Erm... I probably should get this.

Hello. Yeah.

Damn. Right, OK.

Well, I... Yeah, I guess, if it is an emergency, then...

PHONE PLAYS JANGLY RINGTONE

Like, my friend has...

He's changed this as a joke and I don't know how to...

JANGLY RINGTONE CONTINUES Huh!

VINNIE: Dyl, you just get it. Hey, mate. Yeah.

You hung up on a brother! Yeah, dude, man.

You'll never guess, right, there has just been some crossed‐line thing.

It wasn't ringing then. And then it did just now.

So, all right, then, yeah.

Dylan! Motherfucker! HE ENDS THE CALL

So, erm...

Sara was telling me that...

..that this house was... was built in...

..1947.

If I was ever designing a house like this, I would probably...

..I'd probably take pictures of this and copy it, you know.

PHONE RINGS

TV: ..after the shocking discovery that neighbours later recalled

having heard strange, dull, thudding sounds

emanating from the property...

HE URINATES

THUD, HE STOPS URINATING

TWO TAPS

HE RESUMES URINATING

THUDS

HE CONTINUES URINATING

URINE DRIBBLES ON THE CARPET

Oh, shit...

HIS FOOTSTEPS ECHO

THUDS

METALLIC CLATTERING Fuck!

LINE RINGS

Fuck!

LINE CONTINUES TO RING

Come on...

I have to say, Cardi, I'm very impressed.

Oh, do you like it? Oh, it's perfect.

You've gone to so much trouble, like. Well, you're worth it.

I watched a video online which showed you how to...

..d‐d‐de‐beard a mussel.

Oh? You just...

You take hold of its beard and tug it, firmly.

Oh, is that right? You have to take charge of it, do you?

Be firm and dominate it.

Mm. Pull its hair and... show it who's the boss.

PHONE PLAYS JANGLY RINGTONE

Ignore it.

It's Vinnie. How did he...?

Turn the sound down, at least. HE SILENCES THE PHONE

You were telling me how you used a firm hand.

Oh, yeah. It took us ages to find the shallots, right?

Cos I didn't know what they were.

But it turns out they're just like l‐l‐little onions.

And the, erm...

..the mussels, I just got off John.

John?

You're talking about John the Nose? That's right.

He tried to sell me, like, a bag of mussels there,

like, over a week ago.

Yeah. That's right. Luckily, he still had 'em.

The ones that were on the dash of his Transit van in a carrier bag?

That's the ones, yeah.

SHE GASPS

Jesus, Cardi!

They're fecking off, you mad bastard.

You can't be eating shellfish that's been in a carrier bag

sat on the dash of a Transit van for a week!

I knew it! I knew they were off. Ah...

That'll be why they didn't open. I had to use pliers.

Oh, fucking Jesus Christ, Cardi!

HE FARTS

HE VOMITS

Oh, fuck!

HE SNIFFS Eurgh!

LINE RINGS

PHONE RINGS I'm not going back out there, Tommo!

They may be 90 years old, but they're fucking rabid.

Come on, mate.

Sweetheart, listen to me.

Come on, mate. They're a bit over‐excited.

But they're bound to be, aren't they?

Some of them haven't seen a knob up close since D‐Day.

They're not just over‐excited, Tommo, are they?

They're all coked‐up! What? What's he on about?

Coked‐up? What the fuck are you on about, you?

I fucking seen you selling gear to a few of them old handbags out there,

the rusty old wrist straps. Listen to me, sweetheart, right?

You're being paid to entertain.

Right? So mind your own fucking business and get back out there.

You haven't a fucking chance. You're not paying me enough to get molested

by a load of senior citizens.

It's traumatising, Tommo!

They're properly out of control, Tommo.

They've breached the stage!

Fucking hell. Come on.

TOMMO: Ladies...

Stop it! Give me that back! No!

WOMAN: Aw, baby! Fucking hell!

What the...?

Oh, yeah, that's bad. That is bad.

I shouldn't have given them any drugs.

Right, get the fucking door. Lock it!

PHONE RINGS Turn that light off.

Turn the light off!

Oh, sorry. Oh. Oh. Hey.

Hi. Hi. Hi.

You all right? Yeah.

Yeah. Er... PHONE PLAYS JANGLY RINGTONE

Vinnie changed my ringtone.

SHE CLEARS HER THROAT No, things...

Things are good. Erm...

Er, how's Tyler?

Yeah, he's amazing. As usual.

Hiya. Hey.

Er...

Er, sorry. You've met, erm...

..Erin.

And Sara. Sara, Erin. Hi!

Hi. Nice to meet you.

Oh, you, too. Nice to meet you.

The, erm...

I've heard so much about Tyler.

Have you? Yeah.

Aw, that's nice. Is he with you?

Oh, no, no, no. Not at this time, no.

It's way past his bedtime.

Well, he sounds like a very special little boy.

Yeah, he is.

Right.

Oh...

OK.

Hi. Er, Sugar, this is...

Sara. Yeah.

It's...

Pleased to meet you. Oh.

You're both looking very glam. Off somewhere nice?

Yeah, we're crashing a wedding. No, not really.

Just out...and about. About..

Anyway, we were, er... just gonna go.

Yeah, we'd better pay for these.

No, I don't think... Do you want these?

No, no, no. Just...

Erm...

Have a fun night. You, too.

Nice meeting you. Bye.

Erm...

Yeah.

THEY LAUGH

You look really fucking glam? Oh, don't!

What's she trying to say? Did you hear what she said about Tyler?

As if he's gonna be in here at this time of night.

What kind of mum does she think I am?

She was such a bitch. Oh, bitch!

Did you see the way she kept pawing at him as well? Gross!

So insecure. Like, love, we get it, you're together.

You don't have to keep touching him. No‐one's going run off with him.

Proper phoney.

Sugar... What?

She was nice.

She was all right. Exactly what he needs.

Deserves.

I mean, just cos me and Jake didn't work out,

it doesn't mean that they shouldn't.

You want to know summat, as well?

I actually miss the chaos of that lot.

Seriously.

You want some chaos? Do you want some chaos? Please.

Let's go and get fucking bladdered! THEY GIGGLE

DISTANT MUSIC

CHEERING

MUSIC GROWS LOUDER

SIREN WAILS

Sane, sane, they're all insane

The fireman's blind The conductor's lame...

Fuck!

MUSIC CONTINUES

..clap your hands

Clap your hands...

HE TURNS THE MUSIC OFF

HOCKEY STICK CLATTERS Fuck me.

Shit.

THUD

GLASS SHATTERS

DOOR HINGES CREAK

Hello?

Hey, er...

Hey, D‐Man!

Er...

Come here a minute.

Oh, I swear, D‐Man, you're getting bigger every time I see you.

IN DEEP VOICE: Been going to t'gym, innit, Vinnie. What gwans?

I'll tell you what fucking gwans, D‐Man.

There's someone in the cellar.

AS D‐MAN: What? Are you having a fucking laugh?

No, I'm not having a laugh.

I'm not having a fucking laugh. There's someone in the cellar.

AS D‐MAN: Well, do you want to shoot him with this?

Where on earth have you got that?

AS D‐MAN: I never leave the house without it.

Well, a fucking...

An AK‐47 is a bit much, don't you think, D‐Man?

AS D‐MAN: What are you being a little bitch for?

I'm not being a little bitch!

AS D‐MAN: You are being a little bitch.

What the fuck are you even wearing, man?

It's a co‐ord, all right?

I'm actually on‐trend, I'll have you know.

AS D‐MAN: Are you having spray tans as well?

I've had one or two. I have had one or two.

It's the time of year, D‐Man.

It's that time of year. I'm fucking pasty, dude.

I don't look well.

So, yes, I go and have one or two spray tans.

And she's gradually getting darker.

Do you know, you've pissed me off now, you've hurt my feelings.

AS D‐MAN: I'm sorry, Vinnie. I didn't mean to.

You have, you've hurt my fucking feelings.

You come round here with an AK‐47 and you're unreasonable.

I think... I think I'm gonna have to ask you to leave, D‐Man.

AS D‐MAN: Don't be like that, Vinnie.

No, no, no. Fucking, that's it now.

That's it. Shouldn't have mentioned the spray tans.

Really got my back up. You know I'm sensitive.

Sen... Sensitive.

Go on, get out, get out now.

Fuck.

Get out of it, get gone.

Get out of it, you pig! Go on, you cunt.

Fuck me.

Fuck.

All right, whoever you are...

..I'm gonna give you to the count of ten.

And then that's...

That's fucking it, you're getting it.

One... HE DIALS A NUMBER

LINE RINGS ..two...

I'd rather go fishing Than out on some date

All you need to go fishing PHONE RINGS

Is a rid and some bat...

PHONE CONTINUES RINGING Come on.

WATER SPLASHES

Oh, f‐f‐fuckkk!

..five... Halfway there now, pal.

HE ENDS THE CALL

..six, seven...

You'll notice I'm racing through it, cos I don't give a fuck.

..nine...

and three‐quarters...

All right, that's a ten.

I said this would happen.

I said this would happen.

Fuck.

DOOR LOCK THUDS Fuck.

DOOR HANDLE RATTLES

Shit.

LINE RINGS

FAECES HITS TOILET‐BOWL WATER

PHONE PLAYS JANGLY RINGTONE

Vinnie?

Oh, Cardi, thank Christ! Dude, listen.

Look, Vinnie... No, shut up.

Listen, I need your help, man.

I'm dying. What?

F‐F‐Food poisoning.

I made the woman I love shit her pants in front of me, Vinnie.

FAECES HITS TOILET‐BOWL WATER Carol...

She can't...

HE RETCHES She can't stop shitting.

HE GASPS FOR BREATH I've never seen...

HE STRAINS ..anything like it.

I'm sorry to hear that, dude,

but I'm locked in the toilets at The Crow's Nest. I...

I can't leave this toilet, Vinnie.

If I don't make it...

HE CHOKES BACK TEARS

..I want you to have my things. You don't have any things.

I have got things!

Just stay hydrated.

LOUD FARTING AND PLOPPING

JIM: Fucking chips!

Jim! Jim?

CLATTERS

Fucking looking at? Jim! Jim! Jim!

Jim, up here! Jim!

You! What the fuck do you want?

Jim! What?

Fuck off, you fucking cod‐stealing bastard shit.

Who are you talking to, you fucking idiot?

These are my fucking chips,

so fucking fuck the fuck off before I fucking...

Nobody wants your fucking chips, Jim!

Oi! Up here. Look up!

Look up! Jim, look up!

Fuck me. You, again?!

I thought I fucking told you to fuck off, didn't I?

If you look at my fucking chips one more time...

Look up!

Fuck! Jim!

Are you all right, dude?

What is love?

Baby, don't...

What are you singing Haddaway for? Fucking wanker.

Fucking hurt my fucking head!

Cunt!

Fuck.

HE DIALS A NUMBER

LINE RINGS

FLOORBOARD CREAKS

HE ENDS THE CALL

Shit...

Shit!

Hey, up, mate.

Oi!

Fuck!

Please don't be dead.

Which fucking side, is it?

Fuck!

Who the fuck are you?

PHONE RINGS

Shit.

What's happened? Nothing. Er, nothing.

I've known you long enough to know

that you wouldn't be calling me at this time of night

if there hadn't been some drama.

So, go on. No, no, no, listen, nothing's happened.

There's nothing... There's nothing to worry about.

Vinnie, I'm fucking with you! Ha!

What are you like? What you doing, anyway?

Oh, you know, I'm just, er...

I'm just chilling, just hanging out.

Oh, come out. Come out. Me and Sugar are out. Come out!

No, I can't, love, I can't. I'm, er...

I'm up early, you see.

Sugar said you're staying at Kath's.

Yeah, yeah. Just... Just for one night.

Isn't it dead creepy being there by yourself?

HE DROPS THE PHONE Shit.

Er... Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, it is a bit, actually.

I haven't seen you for ages.

I just said to Sugar that I miss the craziness.

Oh, well, there's none of that round here.

Fuck me, I am bored to tears, honestly.

Yeah? Oh, yeah, yeah.

So, I can't tempt you out? I'd love to, but I'm up too early.

Boo! Boring.

All right, then, I'll let you go, yeah?

Later, alligator. In a while, crocodile.

Fuck! Erm...

Shit!

THEY GIGGLE Fuck off.

THEY LAUGH

VINNIE STRAINS

Oh, fuck me!

Fuck!

What the fuck? Throw a dick at me? Get the fuck out of here, man!

Oh, leave me alone! I ain't even done owt.

You were breaking and entering!

You know, there's laws against that kind of shit.

It... It were an accident.

An accident? I fell through the delivery hatch.

Yeah, yeah, and I suppose that balaclava

fell on your head an' all, did it? No.

I'm in the SAS. The SAS?

Yeah. I'm on a top‐secret mission, aren't I?

Here, in Hawley?

I'm not allowed to say. It's a secret!

Listen, Orville... Aw!

..I'm sure Keith Harris is probably wondering where the fuck you are.

I don't want you here, man.

Aw! And I'm guessing you don't want to be here either.

So, behind you, there's a window.

Climb through the window, there's a fire escape.

Down the ladders.

Fuck off. Don't come back. Let sleeping dogs lie. How's that?

I don't know. It looks quite high, that.

Oh, God, no! It's dead high, that! I can't do that.

Just fucking...

Of course it's high. It's a fire escape!

I can't do heights, they panic me.

Did you mention that in your SAS interview?

No. No.

Fuck me... What are we gonna do, then?

How about you just... open the door and just let us out?

Fuck that. What if you've got a knife

and you try and stab me or summat?

I haven't got nothing, I swear! Oh, please.

I just want to go home.

All right, I'll tell you what. I'll open this door.

If you try any funny business...

..I'll finger you to death. Eh?

No. You what?

Not like... Help!

No, no, no! Help! Mister!

Fuck, I didn't mean it like that. I'm locked in a bathroom

and there's a man threatening to finger me to death!

I'm not sure what that means. That was a misguided attempt

to try and bring some levity to the situation.

What's levity?

Is that like fingering? No, it's not fingering.

It's not fingering. Just...

I'm sorry, man, I... Aw...!

Oh...!

What's going on in there? Are you all right? Aaah!

Yeah. It's... It's jammed right in. I can't get it out.

I think it's touching my brain.

All right, well, I'd better take a look at it.

OK.

Oh, shit...

You brought that on yourself.

It really hurts. Come on.

How does it look?

Does it look bad? Yeah.

You're not supposed to say that!

When you ask doctors and that, they say, "No."

You've got a fucking corkscrew in the side of your head.

Of course it looks bad.

Well, let me just... Let me try and pull it out.

Will it bleed? Cos I just can't do blood and that.

It's almost as if...

..you're not really in the SAS.

Hm.

It'll probably... It'll...

It probably won't bleed. All right? Good.

OK, I'm ready.

Oh, you're going the wrong way! You're making it go deeper!

I apologise. It were like lightning.

But not nice lightning. Like frightening lightning.

Just shut the fuck up wittering on.

Oh, that's the same way! The same way!

It's touching my brain again! I don't know what I'm doing!

I'm dyslexic.

Fucking clockwise, lefts and rights, I'm bad at it.

Everything's fucking digital now.

When was the last time you even saw a normal clock?

All right. I know what I'm doing. Oh, OK.

All right. Owww!

Aaarrrggghhh!

Ohh! Aaa‐aaa‐aaah!

Oh, bloody hell!

Let's have a look. Oh, that's a lot of blood, that.

Oh, what's that?

It's super glue. Eh?

Oh...

One Mississippi. Two Mississippi. Three Mississippi.

Shit! What's up?

I've fucking superglued my hand to your head.

Oh, no...! Oh, no.

Fuck! All right. One, two, three!

Ow!

Fuck me.

I thought I'd killed you.

I've got narcolepsy.

When I get tired, I just fall asleep.

That's everyone.

I just wanted to pinch a few things.

Not... Not much.

Just enough...

..to buy a bird bath.

A bird bath?

Yeah. Not for me. For my mum.

She doesn't really get out much any more.

She likes to sit in the garden and watch the birds.

And there's this one bird that comes to visit her, a robin,

that she thinks is the reincarnation of my dad.

He were called Robin, you see.

She wants a bird bath for him,

on account of how he always liked...

..to have a bath.

Can't you just go and nick a bird bath, like any normal person?

Well, I've seen a really nice one.

York sandstone. Dead impressive it is.

In the grounds of this posh house.

Yeah, sounds really nice. Go and nick that one.

The thing is, it... it looks dead‐heavy.

Like a...

..a two‐man job. Take a mate with you.

Come on, you must have one friend.

Mum says folk are odd.

And it's their loss, if they don't warm to us.

And... And you can't force people to be your friends, can you?

I mean, sometimes, you're just better off staying out of their way.

What's your name?

Gideon.

I'm Vinnie.

OWL HOOTS

No‐one's here on Thursdays, so we're safe.

Unless the D‐Man followed us.

Oh, you said he had a gun!

What if he sees us and shoots us with it, just for fun, like?

Gideon! Jesus Christ, listen to me.

D‐Man's gone.

And he's not coming back.

All right? I promise you. Yeah?

Yeah. All right.

Where is this bird bath, then? Up there.

MONASTIC CHANTING

Why didn't you tell me to nick a bigger car, man?

You're having a laugh, dude.

That's not a fucking bird bath. That's a fountain!

A fountain? Yeah.

So, is that different to a bird bath?

Of course it's different to a bird bath. A fountain is much bigger.

The fucking thing is massive. How are we gonna fit it in the car?

Does that mean we can't get the birdbath for Mum, then?

All right, fuck it. We need to go and get the car. Come on.

Electronic fence. I'm just gonna force it. It should open.

OK. Here we go.

You fucker. They're not opening, Vinnie.

Well, fucking not yet, it's not. Give us a sec.

Urgh!

They're still not opening. I know! Fuck me, I'll climb over.

Oh. Ooh!

GATE HINGES CREAK

For fuck's sake, dude!

Gideon! Yeah?

It's not gonna take much to make it give.

So, just... Oi! Nice and slow.

All right? Got it, Vinnie.

ENGINE REVS

Just a bit more than that. Just a smidge.

OK.

ENGINE REVS

Have you even let the clutch out, Gideon?

Er... Which one is that?

The clu...

Do you even know how to drive?

No. No?

Is it even in gear? Er...

Ah, right. Is that it? The stick here?

No, no, no, no, no!

Holy shit, man. Look at the state of it, you lunatic.

Oh, no.

Oh, no! You've really done it now, Gideon.

They'll put you in prison and then who is gonna look after Mum?

Come on, let's run away! Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Just settle down.

We're not going nowhere without that birdbath slash fountain thing.

All right? Now, pull yourself together.

Are you feeling strong? Why?

Cos it's gonna weigh a fucking ton, man! Yeah? OK.

All right, dude?

OK. I'm going as fast as I can, Vinnie.

Oh, bloody hell!

Stop moaning and get in the fucking car!

Get in the car!

Right, you little bastards! I've got you on camera.

Can you fuck off, please? It's hard enough to see without...

You are going viral!

Oh! There you are, stream that!

I can't believe you did that, Vinnie.

It feels good to be alive, doesn't it, pal, hey?

Huzzah! GIDEON GIGGLES

Huzzah, dude!

Huzzah! Huzzah!

Right, listen, I'm gonna get off. Oh, no, don't run off just yet.

It's late, man. I need my bed. Come and say hello to Mum.

She's gonna be asleep. She don't really sleep well.

She don't get many visitors. She'd be made up.

Just pop up and say hello, like, please.

Please? Yeah, all right, all right.

Five minutes. Yeah?

HE SIGHS

It's cold, innit? It's got to be.

Mum can't sleep if it's too hot.

She's just up there.

Who is all this lot?

Dead people. Hey?

They're all dead.

Well, they can't all be dead! Er...

Yeah, they are. He's not dead.

Yeah, he is.

What about this lot here? Oh, God, yeah.

Yeah, they all died in a boating accident.

They won the boat on Bullseye.

They got dropped in an artificial lake, but there were no water,

So, they were all killed. Dude, is this a wall of dead people?

Is that what this is? Yeah.

Everybody is dead? Yeah, up to the top, yeah.

But he's not. He's not dead. Oh, he is.

He had an electric trike from Taiwan.

It were too powerful. Took him right into t'wall.

Yeah, it were very sad. A horrible story.

What's all this shit? The rapey doll here?

Who is this furry little...?

Fuck! Fuck me, dude.

Aw! HE LAUGHS

It's just Mr Mittens. All right.

What are you doing up here, Mr Mittens?

Meow!

Hello, Vinnie!

A bit Buffalo Bill in here, in't it, pal?

Oh, yeah. I get it. Woo‐woo‐woo!

Nothing to do with Indians. You don't know what I'm talking about.

A cowboy, weren't he? You've never seen the film, have you?

Where are we going? In to see Mum.

Listen, it's... I'm just feeling a bit anx‐anxious.

Oh, please, Vinnie. It's really late, though.

I know. Just two... Just two minutes.

She'll be so made up. Please?

Yeah.

Is that all right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Mum?

Mum!

I've got a surprise for you.

I've brought you a visitor.

Why did you have to say it like that?

Like what? You just said, "I've brought you..."

Well, I have.

Like you're gonna feed her or summat.

What's in here, dude?

Hiya, Mum.

How are you doing?

Did you manage to get any sleep?

Who's this?

Oh.

This is Vinnie, Mum.

He's a friend of mine.

He wanted to come and say hello to you.

That's nice.

And have you asked Vinnie what we ask visitors?

Oh, yeah.

Would you like some tea, love?

No. I'm all right, thanks, Giddy.

Go and make us a pot, Giddy, love.

OK.

He doesn't really have friends, you know.

He's a bit too...

..unique for most folk.

Thems with small minds.

He's vulnerable.

Easy picking for the wrong sort to take advantage of.

I wouldn't do that.

You know why you're here, Vinnie?

He's trying to show me I don't have to worry about him.

Mm.

But I do.

I'm a mum.

That's what we do.

Boys need their mums.

Isn't that right? Mm.

Can you be a good friend, Vinnie?

He's going to need a friend.

I'll be his friend.

You're tired.

Aren't you? Yeah.

Yeah, I am a bit. Yeah, I've been up all night.

No.

It's not just tonight, though, is it, lovey?

You're worn out.

You've been brave long enough. You don't need to keep it up.

HE CHOKES BACK TEARS

Sssh...

I'm sorry. Come here. Come here.

You're just tired.

There's a lad.

You'll be all right.

Life is but a dream

It's what you make it

Always try to give...

CLATTERING

Fuck me!

Fucking hell. Hey, up.

Morning, dude. Just got up, have you? Yeah, yeah.

Morning. Afternoon, mate.

You've been out for the count.

How's it going, then? I have no idea.

I've just had the maddest night.

This old woman touched me. Me, too.

I got groped by an old one, too. Jesus fucking Christ.

It's the last time I'm saying it, right?

It is business. There's people who would pay good money for that shit.

Are you all right, you?

I didn't know it was physically possible...

..for a human being to poo that much.

Get that in you. Did you sleep all right, Vin?

Oh, Christ, yeah.

I did, all right. I've been having these mental dreams.

Oh, I had a mad dream the other night.

I wanted to go to America, yeah?

But, I mean, they wouldn't let me in, obviously.

So, I got into a cardboard box and then I posted myself.

But then I realised I forgot to wee before I got in. Could be worse.

You could have been trapped in there with Cardi's missus!

That's too far. You're bang out of order.

HE LAUGHS Fucking hell.

Imagine that, eh? Trapped in a box, in the pitch black,

with Carol and her explosive anus!

LAUGHTER I'm fucking warning you.

MIMICS CAROL: Cardi, Cardi, it's like a chocolate fountain in here!

It's like Cadbury's World!

LAUGHTER

No, no, it's not funny. Come on, Tommo, go on, apologise.

You're upsetting him. You're right.

I'm sorry. I am, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry that you made your bird shit herself!

I fucking warned you, didn't I!

TEXT MESSAGE ALERT

I got so much trouble in my mind

I got so much trouble in my mind

I got so much trouble in my mind

I got so much trouble in my mind

Give me the strength to carry on

Give me the strength To carry on...

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