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(ROLLER DOOR RATTLING)

Oh, da Christmas.

(UPBEAT MUSIC)

♪ The stockings are hung by the chimney with care ♪

♪ In hopes that someone wonderful will soon be there ♪

♪ I've got my decorations on the tree ♪

♪ Baby, don't you wanna spend Christmas alone with me ♪

♪ We don't have to run, we don't have to hide ♪

♪ Baby, we don't even have to go out side ♪

♪ Let's leave all the work to Santa's elves ♪

♪ And baby, let's just spend Christmas here by ourselves ♪

♪ The stockings are hung by the chimney with care ♪

♪ In hopes that someone wonderful will soon be there ♪

♪ I've got my decorations on the tree ♪

♪ Baby, don't you wanna spend Christmas alone with me ♪

(GASPS) Saint Nick, my favorite!

Chocolate caramel with sea salt.

You shouldn't have.

♪ Baby, don't you wanna spend Christmas alone with me ♪

(UPBEAT HOLIDAY MUSIC)

(UPBEAT HOLIDAY MUSIC)

Finally changing those bulbs, huh Katie?

Nicholas, see you're out of the clink.

Yep, paid my debt to society.

You can go in, hospice just left.

MAN: So give for alms those things

that are within and see everything

will be clean for you.

MAN: Uncle Cosmo.

Nicholas.

I can't believe it's been two years already.

Time flies when you're having fun.

I never knew you read the Bible.

Just looking for loopholes.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Why is a hospital bed in your office?

He got a deal on it.

Still don't think you should have this.

Nag, nag, nag.

Mule.

I'll be in my office.

Katie, wait.

I think both of you should hear this.

You know, it says that if you give alms,

all will be clean for you.

What does that mean?

That all your sins will be forgiven.

And Lord knows I need it.

I think we all do, sir.

Nicholas, you are my only family.

How about Lance?

Oh Lance, that viper.

He only comes around a suck up to me for the money.

(COSMO CHUCKLES)

He was like the vice president,

every morning he wakes up the first thing

he does is inquire about my health.

He can make a lot of trouble.

I need you to give away my fortune.

My soul depends on it.

There's not enough time for me to do it myself.

Would you do it for me?

Why don't you give it all to charity?

So some fat cat boss can use it for salaries and overhead?

No, thank you.

Uncle Cosmo you know, I love you,

but I need to get back on my feet.

I've got no home, no car, no business, no woman, nothing.

All the better.

Now you can focus on this while

you ponder your next career move.

Thanks, but I need to get back on my own two feet.

Oh, so you would rather, I go to hell.

You really believe that?

You're darn right I do.

I know I can't buy my way into heaven,

but I can still show that I get it after 70 years.

Cosmo, God in his mercy can forgive all of us.

All right I'll do it.

Ah good, now it must be in cash and no money for yourself.

Wait a minute, I'm not laundering money am I?

No, it's all legit.

He's been hoarding it.

I never did trust banks.

Well.

How much do I have to give away?

Two and a half mil.

In cash?

How am I going to do that?

Oh, Katie will help you dole it out.

Let's roll.

I know about you and your brother Lance,

marrying your girl.

What was her name?

Carmen.

Yeah, Carmen.

I want you to be nice to her family anyway.

You just said to forget about Lance.

Yes, but not her family.

Remember forgiveness.

You are nothing if not inconsistent.

What else do you want me to do?

Be nice to Katie.

Your brother put the hammer to her

when he ran off with your girl, Carmen.

He broke her heart.

Serves her right for dating Lance.

Oh, well, Mr. Understanding.

The same thing could be said about you dating Carmen.

I wasn't dating her.

I was engaged to her.

Yes, but you did the same thing that Katie did.

And I guess I'll go out there

and we can have a dump-ee convention.

Have a heart.

It's Christmas time.

Remember, there's only two things money can't buy.

True love and homemade Christmas cookies.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Whatever you say Uncle Scrooge.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

Looks like you got religion.

I try to go to mass every day.

All of a sudden I'm surrounded.

It's been stage four for for a while.

He's just been in denial.

Now that he's under hospice care, he's scrambling.

I don't think he'll make it till Christmas.

So this is real then?

Very

(DRAWERS CLATTER OPEN)

(CASH THUDDING) (DRAMATIC MUSIC)

Here's the money and a phone.

There's a credit card on the phone for your expenses.

Don't let him down.

Is this two and a half million?

Not even close.

How much more you got?

Lots and lots, looks like you're

a victim of your uncle's success.

Oh, joy.

To the world.

(UPBEAT HOLIDAY MUSIC)

Oh wait.

I almost forgot, you'll need this.

No, no way.

Cosmos request.

Look, I've worn a suit the last two years.

I just want to wear normal clothes again.

You only need to wear it when you're working.

Makes people happy.

Nobody said I had to make people happy,

for crying out loud.

Well go on down to the poor side of town

and see if you don't.

(UPBEAT HOLIDAY MUSIC)

That's a nice truck, man.

You got antlers on there, like Rudolph.

(MAN CHUCKLING)

Hey man, you look like a nice guy,

can you helped me out with something?

Just a couple bucks, anything you got.

It's cold man, just trying to get something to eat?

And you're really a homeless vet?

Nah, man.

But you know, who's going to give money

to a parole who just got out of the joint, you know?

Come on, just anything, come on, what have you got?

Thank you.

Don't give me this.

It's a hundred.

Then I got to do something, just give me five bucks.

Five bucks is all I need.

Come on, man, thank you, thank you.

You gotta break that up.

(MONEY RUSTLING)

Hundreds, all hundreds.

Thanks man, thanks man, nice guy.

Yeah, man, just give me that five, its all I need.

But its my last five.

It's just five bucks.

(DRAMATIC HOLIDAY MUSIC)

There's gotta be a five in here somewhere.

You didn't say I'd be giving away my own money.

(JINGLING)

♪ Down, down, down in the neighborhood ♪

♪ Down, down, down, down, down in the neighborhood ♪

♪ He went down in the neighborhood ♪

♪ Down in the neighborhood ♪

♪ Down in the neighborhood they got no Jack ♪

♪ Here comes from Nicholas with his sack ♪

♪ He thinks he deserves a round of applause ♪

♪ Cause everybody loves a Santa ♪

♪ Ho ho ho who shouldn't though ♪

♪ Ho ho ho who shouldn't though ♪

♪ Down in the neighborhood money full split ♪

♪ Everybody knows there's no Saint Nick ♪

♪ Down in the neighborhood ♪

This is ridiculous.

♪ Down in the neighborhood ♪

♪ He went down in the neighborhood ♪

♪ With his sack down in the neighborhood ♪

♪ He went down to the neighborhood ♪

Hey kid, it's me, Santa.

Hey santa, what's the deal?

It's counterfeit aint it?

Where are the funny face with the ad on the back?

No, it's real.

Yeah right, middle aged white man walking through

the hood, playing Santa Clause?

Where the camera man?

Come on kid, no camera, I'm Santa.

Yeah, and I'm the Easter bunny.

Well, why don't we get together

and dye some Easter eggs?

What are you talking about man?

Ho, ho, ho.

Hey everybody!

Santa got some dough, come and get it!

♪ Down in the neighborhood he brings good cheer ♪

♪ He is the happiest time of the year ♪

♪ We gotta get working, we aint in school ♪

♪ We live in a dream, rob that fool ♪

♪ Ho ho ho fool should a know ♪

♪ Ho ho ho fool should a know ♪

♪ Down in the neighborhood get it, grab all the cash ♪

♪ He aint Saint Nick ♪

♪ Get his sack ♪

♪ Down in the neighborhood ♪

(CROWD CHATTERING)

Don't get too crazy out there with all that cash.

Be sure to share it with your friends.

Merry Christmas.

Well that didn't go as planned.

My bad Santa, I guess it was real.

(NICK CRIES OUT)

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

Man, you are one meaning Easter bunny

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

Well I got my butt kicked right out of the box.

Well, no good deed goes unpunished.

You know, I used to think these Bible stories

had nothing to do with me.

Then the priest came and I was in tears.

I hadn't been to confession or communion for 50 years.

And suddenly I realized what Jesus had done for me.

I threw it all away.

God, family, the love of my life.

And I knew the money I had to go.

Don't throw your life away like I did.

Love and forgive.

I tried the love part.

All it got me was jail.

I know this won't make sense, but God is testing you.

Do this for me and maybe you will see.

I said I would.

I promise.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

Bad idea.

I guess Santa needs a brand new bag.

Funny.

Thought so, why don't you try reverse pan handling?

You mean just hand people money at a stoplight?

(PUNCHING SOUND)

Back off bozo.

Car jacker!

Serves you right Santa White,

taking my corner, find your own.

Why aren't you in school?

We out for the high happies.

You mean Christmas?

No, not no more.

I got an idea, why don't you hand out money for me?

I'll make it worth your while.

How much money we going to give away?

Lots.

Man, you're nuts.

In or out?

In.

All right that's my little elf.

Get a job.

Got one.

It's about time you people

give something back to society.

Christmases, is for suckers santa.

Corporate clap trap.

There aint no Santa, and there sure

as hell ain't no baby Jesus.

Only one more bag and my court

ordered service will be complete.

Really?

Nah, I'm already out.

This is the loot I stashed.

Man you must think I'm some kind of sap.

You are now.

Merry Christmas.

(WINDOW STARTS TO CLOSE)

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

(CRUNCH)

Oh!

(DOG GROWLS)

(NICK CRYING OUT)

Hey!

Give me back my sack!

That was for everybody.

I am everybody, you still nuts.

Cosmo, you need anything?

Katie, come sit.

You know, Lance and Nicholas are not the same people.

They're identical twins.

You don't see it.

Nicholas has a good heart, a good soul.

Lance, not so much.

There's still two peas from the same pod to me.

Nicholas is not a criminal.

You don't go to prison for being a nice guy.

No, maybe you should get to know him better.

Things are not always what they seem.

Give him a chance.

I'll be in my office if you need me.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

There, yeah.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

Water?

Thank you.

It was a good thing your parents

were doing when they were killed.

Carrying home supplies to missions.

They would have been so proud of you.

(COSMO CHUCKLES)

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

And I am to.

I don't want to lose you too

Katie, we all have to go sometime.

Even the saints must die.

No danger there.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

Take care of Nicholas, will you?

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

Cosmo?

Cosmo.

(KATIE CRYING)

Cosmo.

(KATIE CRYING) (DRAMATIC MUSIC)

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

Nicholas.

Hello, princess.

Lance, how did you get in here?

The door was unlocked.

I always lock the door.

What can I say?

The undertaker must have left it open.

What do you want?

Well, it is the Christmas season, a time for presents.

I hear there's some money floating around, lots.

You don't miss a trick, do you?

How'd you even know he was dead?

Let's just say I have friends in low places.

I'm surprised you didn't put a mirror

under his nose while I was asleep.

Now, now, now.

Is that any way to talk to your new boss?

Not in a million years Lance.

I'm the executor and your uncle's Will is specific.

So you're saying I'm not in the Will, princess.

That's exactly what I'm saying

and stop calling me princess.

Well, you know, as one of my uncles biological heirs,

I have a right to see that I'm not in the Will.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

Going to have to study this.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

Happy holidays.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

Oh, tell his Nick his Santa days are numbered.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

Nick, we need to talk.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

Cosmo died last night.

Why didn't you call me?

What could you do?

I didn't want to call you in the middle of the night.

Good day.

I am at a Alberto have you enjoyed

our sumptuous brunch before?

No.

I am at Alberto.

I will be serving you today.

You just said that.

Would you care for a champaign mimosa or a glass of wine?

No.

Yes, bottle of wine sooth the nerves.

ALBERTO: And the what would you like?

Whatever you recommend.

But sir, I don't even know what are having yet.

Red or white?

Just bring a whole bottle of Rosa.

As you wish miss.

Perhaps a little too much Christmas shopping today.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

Lance came by this morning.

It's gonna be a war over the Will.

You could refuse to do it

and the court could appoint someone else.

I can't do that.

They might appoint Lance.

And I promised Cosmo, I'm trapped.

You're trapped?

I lost just about the only family I have left

and I'm running around like a fool to save his soul.

How do you think I feel?

You're his brother, can't you do something about him?

Lance is a usurper.

He'll always act like he owns you

because you used to date him.

I can't undo that.

So all this is my fault?

Kinda.

You know, on second thought I've lost my appetite.

You do realize you just described

your own attitude toward Carmen?

Two peas in a pod.

That's not true.

Katie, wait, wait.

Don't uncork that.

But sir, the screw is already in.

Alberto, I think you may be right.

Here, credit cards on there.

Scan it, smartphone, figure it out.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

COSMO: Nick.

Aren't you supposed to be dead?

COSMO: I am, and it appears

when I chose money over love

and I was choosing money over God.

I'll pay your ransom,

but you didn't say I'd have to love her to.

What?

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

(CAR DOOR BANGS)

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

Where's the house?

Where's mom's Sweetmaker?

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

Mind if I join?

Suit yourself Santa.

Or is that Santa suit yourself?

Funny, I came to apologize.

I shouldn't have been short.

I guess I was upset about my uncle.

I'm sorry.

Well, I guess I was upset

because I don't know how

to protect myself from Lance, parasite.

I don't know what you ever saw in him,

but you're strong and you'll beat him and I'll back you up.

I'm sorry I said those things about you.

Just seems that I don't know,

you don't know that you've got the long end of the stick.

You know, when your father raised you in the faith.

Then why did I end up in prison?

What'd you do?

Hit and run.

Doesn't sound like you.

It's not.

Did you kill somebody?

No, it was an election year.

What?

The prosecutor was running for reelection.

He decided to make an example out of me.

Maybe we should put a moratorium

on handing out money until this Lance thing is settled.

No, Cosmo needs me to do this, now.

But what if we have to pay all the money back?

You're the executor, and you were acting in good faith

so the courts won't make you do that.

So now you're a probate attorney?

I'll back you up.

You don't have that kind of money.

If Lance busts the Will, I'll still

get something out of it

and I can make sure that you're safe

and nothing happens to you, trust me.

I'll protect you.

In coming.

(TREE THUDS)

Everybody's trying to do the fastest delivery.

At least it wasn't a frozen turkey.

(TURKEY THUDS)

I spoke too soon.

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

I guess you saved my life.

Now I'll have to give you more money.

Great.

I'll take two mil this time.

That's almost all of it, how come so much?

I'm going to pay off every mortgage for Monica Sweetmaker

and her brood and a few other things.

I don't think that's such a good idea.

They won't know it's me.

I'll be secret Santa.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

When's Santa coming Katie?

Christmas Eve, honey.

But how will he know what I want?

Santa knows, believe me.

Santa knows.

But my mama says he forgets us.

he won't forget you here.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

It's absolutely beautiful, I love this.

They did a good job, huh?

I think this is wonderful that you do this every year

out of your own pocket Katie.

They're my kids.

I think we're going to have to call you Mrs. Clause.

Please.

Have you met Santa?

Oh, da Christmas.

North pole, Santa's favorite elf speaking.

What's the payoff on that?

I'll have it to you in an hour.

Great.

Carmen.

Margie.

Gracie.

The waiting.

(NICK WHISTLING)

(DRAMATIC CHORD)

The printer has spoken!

All done, all paid off.

(UPBEAT MUSIC)

Best Christmas present ever.

Are you in purgatory?

COSMO: Every time you give away some money or pray

for me, I move forward and the burn gets less.

Who's praying for you?

(WOMAN HUMMING)

Perfect.

(WOMAN HUMMING)

It's Christmas time Manny.

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Must be the mailman.

Something to sign for it.

(WOMAN HUMMING)

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)

Goodie, Santa came.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

What do you suggest today?

Well, this is the last of it.

Why don't you pick a bank?

Hand it out.

Most everybody who goes to a bank needs money.

Won't they throw me out?

Stand outside.

(UPBEAT MUSIC)

Excuse me, sir.

May I ask what bank business you're on today?

I need a loan for a boat.

Bass boat.

No, yacht.

Well, good luck.

Yacht.

How about you, sir, what kind

of loan are you after?

You taking a survey?

Sort of.

I need a loan to start another cheque cashing branch.

Businesses is booming.

You mean loan sharking.

We in the industry prefer to call it payday lending.

Move along.

How about you, sir?

What type of loan are you after today?

Inventory.

I run a buy here, pay here lot.

So you just sell the same car over and over again?

It's beautiful, isn't it?

I'm sure there'll be very receptive to that.

Hey Santa, where's your bucket?

Don't have one, I'm trying

to give money away, not collect it.

How about you, you need some holiday cash?

No, I'm good.

Mind if I see some ID?

No, sure.

Thank you.

Dispatch, yeah I've got a Nicolas Hollyhock.

30 year old driver's license number

F, A, L, eight, eight, two, four.

Yeah?

Okay, okay.

It appears you're a convicted felon.

Yes, but I'm not doing anything illegal.

Maybe you're casing the joint.

I was in for hit and run, not robbery.

Maybe we didn't catch you then.

Ma'am, this guy says you gave him

this bag of money to give out on the street.

I'm sorry, officer.

I've never seen this man before in my life.

Thank you, Ma'am come on.

Let's see whose money this really is.

No wait, Katie you can't, you can't.

Wait!

Would you take off his beard and all that for me?

Yes ma'am.

Seems I do know him after all.

Sorry officer, this man has been handing

out Christmas cash at the request of my late boss.

Cosmo Lambini.

Cosmo Lambini?

Well why didn't you say so?

Let's get you out of those cuffs.

I am so sorry about this.

Don't worry about it.

I hope this doesn't go anywhere between

Those weren't too tight where they?

Nah.

Okay.

Sorry.

Wait.

For the widows and orphans fund.

Thanks Santa's, Merry Christmas.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Nice.

Real nice.

You are on the naughty list now.

Ask me out like a gentlemen.

In this outfit?

Ti's the season.

All right.

Would you care to accompany

Santa Claus to dinner at Nicola's?

I think that would be nice.

But you have to promise to stay for the whole meal.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

Good evening, I am Alphonse,

I will be serving you tonight.

I thought it was Alberto?

Sorry sir, there is no Alberto here.

Well sure, there is.

You're him, unless you have an evil twin, cause.

I can assure you sir, I am no evil twin,

and there is no Alberto here tonight.

May I recommend a bottle of wine?

That would be fine.

Fine.

Very good.

What will you be having this evening?

What do you recommend?

The chef having the filet.

That sounds wonderful.

And you sir?

I'm thinking the porter house.

But the chef is having the filet.

But Nicholas is having the porter house.

As you wish sir.

Well I guess we don't get a choice of sides.

So you know about my family,

what kind of family do you have?

Big.

That's it?

It's huge.

It's spread out everywhere.

You're wine sir.

Madam.

(BOTTLE POPS)

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

Excuse me.

You didn't ask us how we wanted our steaks.

How are you going to cook them?

Perfectly

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Perfectly.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

(GLASSES TING)

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

- This is so good. - This is so good.

So good.

Right?

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Geez.

I'm so sorry.

It's so tender it flew right off my plate.

Whoa, flying cow.

Here.

(BOTH CRY OUT)

I'm sorry.

Jiminy Christmas.

I'm so sorry.

It's okay.

(UPBEAT MUSIC)

You know the chef is having the filet.

(BOTH CHUCKLES)

And it's going to be perfect.

(UPBEAT MUSIC)

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Attention everyone.

Attention, everyone.

What are you doing, sit back down.

I got this.

Yeah, that's what I'm afraid of.

In honor of our Savior's birthday,

Santa is buying all your dinners

and your bar bills.

(CROWD CHEERING) (DRAMATIC MUSIC)

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

Grandma, the cookies are ready.

(PAN CLATTERS)

Why are we having Christmas early grandma?

It's the only time we could get the whole family together.

Enough.

Hey look, everybody

Jimmy made Christmas cookies.

MAN: When do we open presents?

What's in the box?

Look, for me.

WOMAN: Yes Boris, that's for you.

It's a girl scooter.

No boys allowed.

Who wraps a jar of peanut butter?

Oh, that's gotta be a re gift.

I hope I get a BB gun.

You'll shoot your eye out.

(FAMILY LAUGHING)

It is so nice to have my family together again.

(UPBEAT MUSIC)

(INAUDIBLE CONVERSATIONS)

I wonder if this is for me.

What does it say?

It's from Santa.

I guess it's from Santa.

BORIS: But who is it for?

I think it's for the whole family.

But really mom, who's it from?

I don't know.

I found it on the doorstep.

Mom, it could be a bomb.

FAMILY: A bomb, it's a bomb, it's a bomb, it's a bomb.

It's a bomb?

It's a bomb!

Everybody get back!

I do this everyday.

(YELLING) (DRAMATIC MUSIC)

Turn the couch over, against the window.

Jack it's not a bomb.

Jack stop it.

Everybody clear out, I repeat everybody, clear!

(JACK SCREAMS)

Jack, it's just us.

I'll be in the kitchen.

Yeah you do that.

Great help Boris.

I'm gonna call the bomb squad.

Jack, its not a bomb.

Mom, step back, that's an order.

Jack, you're being silly.

Don't bother your friends

on the bomb squad at Christmas time.

They have enough bombs to handle.

Besides, if it is, then I get to see your father sooner.

Mama don't.

It could be a hair trigger.

Santa don't let me down.

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)

WOMAN: I don't think this is a good idea.

WOMAN: Oh no, don't do it.

MAN: What is your problem?

WOMAN: Don't let her.

MAN: Don't do it.

(FAMILY SCREAMING)

(MONICA MIMICS EXPLOSION SOUND)

(MONICA LAUGHING)

MAN: It wasn't a bomb.

(YELLING)

All right, here we go.

Oh look at this.

It's a brick from the old house.

Oh boy, a brick.

Why?

There's an envelope, who knows.

It's got every bodies names on them.

Margie.

Philip.

Seasons greetings everyone.

Well hi uncle Lance.

Hey kid.

Give this to your uncle Lance.

What is it?

It looks like the deed to out house.

And the mortgage is completely paid off.

Mine too.

Mine three.

And all of theirs with my money.

This is the best Christmas present I have ever had.

WOMAN: Who did this?

Some one hit lottery.

It's gotta be a bank error.

It's that new carbon tax.

It's Santa.

I know who it was.

It was Nick.

♪ Joy to the world ♪

♪ The Lord is come ♪

(PHONE RINGING)

GRANDMA: Santa?

It depends.

It's me, Monica Sweetmaker.

Could you come visit a poor old lady?

I think I could find time to do that.

When do you want me to come over?

MONICA: Oh, how about now?

I've got milk and Christmas cookies.

Let me give you my new address.

I know where you live.

I'm Santa, remember?

Good.

Oh, could you pick up communion for me too?

Yeah, sure.

Just stop by the church, I'll call father Mac.

He'll have it ready in a pyx.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

Father Mac?

You got him Santa.

The one and only big Mac.

I promised Monica Sweetmaker I would bring her communion.

You ever been a Eucharistic minister before?

Yes, but it's been a while since I was in church.

You should come see me sometime, door's always open.

Thanks.

Maybe.

Guard this with your life Santa.

Yes, father.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

(NICK KNOCKING)

Santagram.

(MONICA LAUGHING)

Is that you Kris Kringle?

Oh, I missed you.

Thank you for coming.

I brought your favorite.

A box of chocolates.

Come on.

I only sampled a few of them.

(MONICA CHUCKLES)

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

This is the lamb of God.

It takes away the sins of the world.

Happy are those who are called to the supper of the lamb.

The body of Christ.

Amen.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

Jimmy is everything all right in there,

it's awfully quiet.

JIMMY: Don't come in here,

you'll step on the elves and smash your present.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Are the elves back?

JIMMY: How would I know?

(BOTH LAUGHING)

I've never had communion from Santa before.

So you're secret Santa.

How did you know?

I didn't, but Lance said it right away.

Oh.

What ever possessed you to do such a thing?

Just trying to be generous.

I don't know what to say.

No one's ever been that good to me.

You shouldn't have a mortgage at your age.

It's Manny, he's up there taking care of me.

I just know it.

Well down here I've been mugged, run over, and arrested.

You think nobody had ever seen anyone

giving away money before on the street.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

You're the strange one Nicholas.

I know you still care for Carmen,

but I wish you would find someone

and settle down and be happy.

When I find her.

Did I ever tell you about when Carmen was little

and she was the only redhead in the family?

No.

Whenever we'd go somewhere, people would always ask

if her father had red hair and I finally got so tired of it.

I'd say, I don't know.

He didn't take his hat off.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

I'm sorry Carmen didn't love you.

Oh, Nick, I know how it feels, it happened to me too.

We didn't sleep together the way

you're generation does, but it still hurt.

You know who it was don't you?

It was your uncle Cosmo.

We loved each other, but he chose money instead of me.

I've prayed for him ever since.

I love Manny dearly.

He was my life.

Even though sometimes I mentioned Cosmos

just to make him jealous.

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

That explains everything just before he died,

he asked me to give away his fortune to save his soul

and to be sure to take care of your family.

He said choosing money over love

was the biggest mistake of his life.

So it was you.

Are you saying he went back to the church before he died?

Yup, last rights, everything.

Oh, that's the best news I've heard in 50 years.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

What are you doing here?

I saw him from across the street and called the others.

We were just visiting.

We don't like you bothering our mom jailbird.

He's not bothering me.

Your mom invited me over.

So it really was you who paid off our house?

That's not all he did.

My parish is building a new church

and he made a big donation in my name, 100 grand.

What's wrong with that?

I'll tell you what's wrong with it.

Instead of a few bucks on Sunday,

they're going to be expecting a lot more money.

Thanks a lot stool, pigeon.

Just say you don't have any.

Well, they're never going to believe that.

Not after the big donation you made.

And not only that, you screwed up our financial aid.

Now we can't get any help with our kids' tuition.

We lost our mortgage deduction,

and now we won't get our earned income credit.

That's our vacation.

Single family homes are bad for the environment.

Boris, quit his job.

What does that mean?

I start business, use money for bribes.

He wants to ship toilet paper to Russia.

Online, is good idea no?

Is much softer than the old issues of Pravda

Who's going to treat the sewage?

You see, you ruined all of our lives.

And we know you only did it to get close to Carmen.

That's not true.

My uncle told me to be good to you because of your mom.

Okay, what does mom have to do with any of this?

You're not part of family.

Actually, I think technically I am.

We don't want you.

Hey wait a minute, who are you to talk for the family?

You won't even marry our sister.

Don't you talk to him like that,

he's as much a part of the family as anybody.

Yeah.

Well, I think technically Phillip is right.

WOMAN: Okay Miss professor, you've been married

so many times we don't know who's in or out.

WOMAN: That doesn't change the fact

that Gracie has three kids out of wedlock.

Uncle Nick, I warped this present all by myself.

I think it's wonderful, Jimmy.

Thank you.

(YELLING)

I need a restraining order ASAP.

No, she's giving away all my money

to people who don't deserve it.

How much more proof do you need that that?

♪ I'm a Scrooge ♪

♪ Yeah I'm telling you why, I'm a mean kinda Johnny ♪

♪ Hating son of a guy ♪

♪ I'm a Scrooge ♪

♪ I make kids cry ♪

♪ You'll get my Christmas card around the fourth of July ♪

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

NICK: Why do bad things happen to me?

COSMO: Turns out the more suffering you had in life,

the closer to the light you get to start.

I had to start way back by the Lake of fire.

So that's why we suffer?

COSMO: Unless we did it to ourselves.

Hey man, you okay?

Just talking to my uncle.

I'll be fine, but thanks for asking.

Yeah, sorry, man.

Woman.

What else?

This else.

Give me all your cash and credit cards.

You're robbing me?

Somebody's got to do it.

No, they don't.

You don't.

Come on, man it's cold out here.

You do realize I'd given you everything

I had if you just asked nicely?

What are you, Santa Claus?

Well, actually, as a matter of fact, I am.

Man, there ain't no Santa Clause.

Actually, the line is there ain't no sanity clause.

Come on, cough it up.

No, not unless you ask nicely.

Seriously?

Yeah.

Seriously.

Can't believe I'm doing this.

If you ask nicely, it won't be a robbery.

Alright fine.

Could I please get some help?

It's Christmas time and I'm out of work

and the kids ain't going to have any Christmas

unless I get some cash.

You're in luck.

There's five grand.

That should help a little bit.

Now go home.

Watch out you don't get mugged with all that cash on you.

Right.

Thanks Santa.

Oh and give me that.

You could really hurt someone with that thing.

No, I couldn't.

No bullets.

Amateurs.

(NICK KNOCKS)

Mind if I come in?

No, I'm glad you came.

You want some coffee or cocoa?

No, I'm okay.

Last time it fell in my lap.

Ha ha.

So there's something I want to ask you.

Shoot.

Are we a couple?

I don't know.

Are we?

I just don't want it to be like your brother.

I wouldn't sleep with him, so he dumped me.

I'm not him.

I see.

Let me ask you something.

If you promise someone that you would

love them your whole life

and they betrayed and abandoned you,

would you stop loving them?

Why do you feel like you have to save Carmen?

What if I promised you and you went off the deep end.

Would you want me to abandon you or try to save you?

I got to go.

Thanks for letting me know how you feel.

I didn't.

Sure you did.

You're supposed to be the spiritual one,

but that's not what Christ would do.

Neither of us are him.

No, that's true.

But keeping my word is about all I've got left.

Nicholas.

Great.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

Bless me, father for sinned.

I decided to take you up on your offer.

My last confession was, hell, heck I don't remember.

These are my sins.

I can't seem to do the right thing.

People are angry with me, even hate me.

Why?

Because I give them money

and they say it ruins their life.

They don't like when I'm nice

to other people besides them either.

It seems like they're feeling guilty or jealous.

You know, the Bible says that

if you see your brother sinning

and you fail to warn him,

God will hold you just as guilty of their sin.

Great, damned if I do, damned if I don't.

Well, so far, I haven't heard of any sins to forgive.

Keep looking.

I'm sure it's my fault somehow.

Have you examined your conscience

using the ten commandments?

Everybody seems to think I covet

my brother's wife, but it's not true.

We were engaged.

She used to live with me.

Kaching, there's one.

I know, but I made a promise

to God that I would always love her.

Even though she hates me now I can't break it.

You didn't think love your enemies

was going to be easy, did you?

Well, I tried to do that.

I paid off all their mortgages,

but they seem to think I had some ulterior motive.

Heaping hot coals on their heads?

What?

It's biblical.

So secret Santa is carrying a torch, huh?

I'm not carrying a torch.

Well, tick a tee boo, that makes two.

Two what?

Two things to confess.

I'm not lying.

I think I'm in love with somebody else.

But I have to keep my promises.

I see promises, promises.

Who else did you promise?

I don't know, name somebody.

Not to seem crass or opportunistic or anything,

but the boiler just went out in the church

and if we don't fix it right away, there'll be no Christmas.

How much do you need?

90,000.

Well, you know, you don't need

to do this if you don't want to.

Jesus wants you back, even if you're penniless.

I know but I can, so I will.

Meet me at the rectory in a half an hour.

Perfect.

But first, I absolve you of your sins.

In the name of the father, the son and the Holy spirit.

Don't I get a penance?

Oh, I think what you've been doing is enough.

Welcome back.

Thanks father.

This may be the only place I am welcome.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

Hello?

Got your text.

What's the matter?

Nick.

Lance.

I thought maybe we could make peace in the family

if the two of you could just talk things out.

So just start from the beginning.

What's to tell?

Mom and dad split up when we were born,

she took him, I went with dad.

I didn't know anybody but my stepdad.

Even though she remarried right away,

dad said she was always his wife.

When I was 18, he died of a heart attack,

but I knew it was a broken heart.

My stepdad taught me how to be a man.

Did he teach you to take your brother's fiance?

Actually, yeah.

Go for what you want, he said.

I remember when you came to the prison

to tell me you were sleeping with her.

you didn't tell me you loved her, or you cared about her.

You just wanted to make sure I knew you beat me.

You always thought you were better than me.

Did it ever occur to you that I cared about you?

You only care about yourself.

What are you talking about?

Your the one who was in jail for a hit and run.

She never told you?

Told me what?

I'll be.

What a piece of work.

Don't call me that.

I meant her.

Don't call her that either.

You know, Lance, sometimes silence is a lie.

I don't know what you're talking about,

but I'll tell you this.

I already borrowed back all of the money on our house

and when I get the rest of Cosmos money,

I'm going to build a pipeline to carry water

from the great lakes to Arizona.

I'll be a billionaire.

That money was for you and Carmen,

to take care of yourselves,

so you'd always have a roof over your head.

Not blow it on a literal pipe dream.

I knew you'd never believe in me, but it won't matter

once I get the rest of the estate.

What rest of the state, I gave it all the way.

Princess Katie is taking you for a ride.

What do you mean?

Did you even read the Will?

No, I trust her.

The Will says you have to give away

10% of the estate before Christmas

or Katie gets the rest of the estate.

What rest of the estate?

Just all of his businesses and investments.

I don't know anything about that,

I thought two and a half million was all of it.

See, she's taking you to the cleaners.

I'm not going to have my money end up with my ex girlfriend.

You're a fool.

She can't get you Carmen back,

and your new little princess, can't be trusted.

Lance.

You know, I love you and Carmen,

but you have to admit that you've

taken Carmen away from her faith.

I don't care.

We don't care.

But I care, she's my daughter.

I care too.

She was going to be my wife.

Oh, well she's mine now.

Then if you really love her,

why don't you care about her soul?

This is stupid.

You think because it's Christmas we'll make all nicey, nice.

Well, I hate Christmas.

Bring back baby Jesus.

Lance bring back baby Jesus!

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

And I hate you.

Lance, Manny gave that to me.

Stop, stop.

Monica, Monica.

Mom?

Are you hungry?

Are you okay?

Oh I pass out all the time, low blood pressure.

Oh, how bout some of Jimmy's Christmas cookies?

You're unbelievable.

Of course I am.

You want regular, or chocolate milk?

What about Lance?

Oh, let him stew for a while.

He needed the bejesus knocked out of him

and when he comes back, we can act like nothing happened.

(MONICA LAUGHS)

In that case, I'll have chocolate, please.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

Thought I might find you here.

I don't know what Lance told you,

but I'm sorry if I fell from your skies.

You need to hear what I have to say,

it may change your mind.

All right, spill.

You do know that Monica was Cosmos great love?

Of course, she told me.

Well by the time he realized he had made the wrong choice,

it was too late to go back.

She had her new life, and a husband, and a family.

I get it.

Women are practical.

Well, you need to know something about

He must have figured out that Carmen

used your car for that hit and run

because he told me you weren't a criminal.

Can stop me anytime it isn't true.

I knew she could never handle jail.

He wanted to make sure that Monica

was well taken care of when he was gone.

And he figured you would gravitate toward her family.

Yeah, I figured that out.

So did I.

But then I began to care about you

and I realized it was cruel to make you

relive all that grief over Carmen,

just to get you close to Monica.

I did what I wanted to with the money.

Nobody made me.

Cosmo thought that it would help you get over Carmen.

But I knew it was like giving

an alcoholic, a key to the bar.

That's pretty cynical.

Is it?

Can't compete with a cipher.

Carmen will always be the one who got away from you.

Well, I want someone who loves me that much too.

I'm no second best,

I mean you could be with me just to get even with Lance.

So you think I can never love you

because I'm forever trapped in her spell?

Yes, but that's not all.

Giving away the money was a test all right.

And if you failed, then he left

the rest of the estate to me to make sure

that Monica was taken care of.

What I wasn't allowed to tell you is that if you succeeded,

then you would get all his businesses, stocks, bonds,

real estate, the whole thing, 25 million.

I knew it all along.

So you're saying Lance was right.

First you tried to sabotage me giving away the money

by sending me places where I'd fail,

then you didn't want me to give it to the Sweetmakers

or the church because you knew I'd pass the test.

No, that would have violated

my responsibility as executor of the Will.

So I wouldn't have gotten anything.

Lance would have gotten it all.

So I have two choices.

Either I can believe what you just told me

or I can believe you're in cahoots with Lance

and can't be trusted and don't believe I can love again.

Believe what you want.

Crap.

More money to give away.

Katie wait, talk to me.

Be logical, what am I saying?

Be logical.

Katie, will you please stop.

would you're please wait,

you're going to fall and hurt yourself,

you're going to kill me.

You're getting all the money, leave me alone.

Go ahead, be that way.

Man she's in good shape.

COSMO: Don't give up, don't be like me.

Are you ever going to get out of my head?

How many times do I have to try?

COSMO: 70 times seven.

Really?

COSMO: Everybody knows their Bible up here kid.

I'm getting closer to the light, but I'm still burning up.

Help me.

Then leave me alone and let me think.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

(ELECTRICAL ZAP)

(ELECTRICAL ZAP)

(ELECTRICAL ZAP)

(ELECTRICAL ZAP)

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

What's that?

Nicholas?

♪ 24 hours since you dropped the bomb ♪

♪ You got no rights to mean this much to me ♪

♪ I wanna call you up ♪

♪ Say I've suffered enough ♪

♪ Katie ♪

Who's that?

Santa.

There aint no Santa.

It's after 11.

No more elves, no more reindeer.

I'm bringing in the big guns.

It's a plastic keyboard Nick.

Just listen.

♪ Won't be long till I feel the strain ♪

♪ Tossed back into that singles game ♪

♪ You've got no right ♪

♪ To put my soul in jeopardy ♪

♪ Strangers in my bed ♪

♪ When I want you instead ♪

♪ Oh Katie ♪

Knock it off, I'm trying to get some sleep.

Just give me a minute.

♪ You got me grainy like the edges of a cheap photograph ♪

What does that mean?

♪ The pain away cause I can't last another day ♪

♪ Without you ♪

That isn't very Christmassy

♪ 24 hours is a long, long time ♪

COSMO: Katie.

Cosmo?

COSMO: Katie.

Cosmo, what are you doing in my head?

COSMO: He kicked me out.

He doesn't really want me either.

COSMO: Oh jiminy Christmas girl.

He wrote you a dang song.

He's in love with you.

Don't go breaking his heart like Carmen did.

♪ Oh Katie ♪

(TACKLING THUD)

That'll teach you to wake me up.

Didn't you ever serenade your wife?

MAN: I'm divorced.

I rest my case!

♪ Come morning light, you can feel the cold ♪

♪ And hear the emptiness calling ♪

♪ Oh keep him warm and safe from harm ♪

♪ This babe, the child of Mary ♪

♪ Come come fall down in awe ♪

♪ Our souls so tiny beside him ♪

♪ Love love he bring to us ♪

♪ From flesh and blood of Mary ♪

♪ This child is God this child is man ♪

♪ He made us now he will save us ♪

♪ Adopted children of God are we ♪

♪ We're all the children of Mary ♪

(KNOCKING)

Hey, I hope I'm not interrupting anything.

I already told you, you get all the money.

I don't care about the money.

Then what do you want?

May I come in?

I'm freezing.

I dunno.

I like being alone on Christmas Eve.

I guess

I came to say it doesn't make any sense.

What?

Me thinking you might sabotage me.

I guess me thinking you were only with me to get

even with Lance doesn't make any sense either.

I'm sorry.

I am too.

Sit, I'll get you some cocoa.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

Should've said it before.

This feels really Christmasy Katie.

KATIE: Thanks.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

I'm sorry I ever suspected you.

I think it's because everyone I ever loved has left me.

Handsome.

What?

You once asked me what I saw in your brother.

I thought he was handsome.

Then I got to know him.

Yeah.

You know, this is my favorite night of the whole year.

All the mad rush is over.

It's so Holy.

♪ Oh holy night the stars are brightly shining ♪

♪ It is the night of the dear saviors birth ♪

♪ Long lay the world in sin and error pining ♪

♪ Till he appear and the soul welded birth ♪

What?

Till he appeared and the soul felt its worth.

No, soul welded birth.

I don't even know what that means.

♪ You know, it's just like Brown John virgin ♪

♪ Mother and child ♪

♪ Oh tan bottom oh tan bottom ♪

No.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

Do you want to go to Midnight Mass with me?

Do I have to meet your family?

Of course.

They're all going to be there.

Don't think I can take any more family.

Mine's different.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

Oh my, that's too much.

I'm just going to have to give it away.

Oh good.

Baby Jesus is back.

Merry Christmas Manny.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

♪ Oh come, all ye faithful ♪

♪ Joyful and triumphant ♪

♪ Oh come ye, oh come ye to Bethlehem ♪

♪ Come and behold Him ♪

This is my family.

♪ Born the King of Angels ♪

♪ Oh come, let us adore Him ♪

♪ Oh come, let us adore Him ♪

♪ Oh come, let us adore Him ♪

♪ Christ the Lord ♪

♪ Yea, Lord, we greet Thee ♪

♪ Born this happy morning ♪

♪ Jesus, to Thee be the glory given ♪

♪ Word of the Father ♪

♪ Now in the flesh appearing ♪

♪ Oh come, let us adore Him ♪

♪ Oh come, let us adore Him ♪

♪ Oh come, let us adore Him ♪

♪ Christ the Lord ♪

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

Thank heavens you're here.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

Look Katie, Santa's here.

He is?

What'd you get?

A dinosaur.

What are you doing here?

What do you think, giving out presents.

Empty boxes?

Best gift a kid can get, I saved them for last.

What are you doing here?

I had to be with my family.

For this.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

Oh, a lump of compressed coal for Christmas.

Kathrine Marie Francesca.

Will you be Mrs. Clause?

You held back some of the money didn't you?

No.

I sold my guitar.

What changed your mind?

You, I finally found someone I think

can love me as much as I love them.

You're saying you'll love me forever and ever right?

I promise.

Would you go to jail for me?

The slammer?

No way but I would be obligated to tell

the other inmates that you were coming.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

Oh, da Christmas.

Two things money can't buy.

True love and homemade Christmas cookies.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

COSMO: Finally, I'm getting outta here!

The all mighty has done great things for me,

and holy is his name.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

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♪ My house don't have no mansion for the stockings to hang ♪

♪ My house don't have no chimney that could fit a man ♪

♪ Have no shining lights hanging on my roof ♪

♪ Cause I greased it up and down for the reindeer hoof ♪

♪ I'm a Scrooge ♪

♪ Yeah I'm telling you why ♪

♪ I'm a mean kind of Johnny hating son of a guy ♪

♪ I'm a Scrooge ♪

♪ I make kids cry ♪

♪ You'll get my Christmas card around the fourth of July ♪

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

♪ I'm a Scrooge ♪

♪ Yeah I'm telling you why ♪

♪ I'm a mean kind of Johnny hateful son of a guy ♪

♪ I'm a Scrooge ♪

♪ Brought my custom new car ♪

♪ You'll be waiting mighty long for my package to come ♪

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

♪ I'm a Scrooge ♪

♪ I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm a Scrooge ♪

♪ I'm a Scrooge ♪

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

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