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1
00:00:02,236 --> 00:00:02,236
This programme contains strong
language and adult content from the
outset and scenes of a sexual nature
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00:00:08,520 --> 00:00:08,520
You can't see it yet but
this is my excited face.
3
00:00:10,760 --> 00:00:10,760
I'm doing little jumps.
4
00:00:12,680 --> 00:00:12,680
You know someone is special if you
do little jumps when you see them.
5
00:00:16,876 --> 00:00:16,876
THEY SQUEAL HAPPILY
6
00:00:21,196 --> 00:00:21,196
I missed you.
7
00:00:23,476 --> 00:00:23,476
I go to Boots at lunch
and sniff your perfume.
8
00:00:26,120 --> 00:00:26,120
I'm on your Instagram,
like, all the time.
9
00:00:29,356 --> 00:00:29,356
I fucked your dad
to feel closer to you.
10
00:00:32,596 --> 00:00:32,596
And you ruined it.
11
00:00:36,796 --> 00:00:36,796
I love her so much it makes
me doubt my sexuality
12
00:00:40,040 --> 00:00:40,040
but then everything does.
13
00:00:41,956 --> 00:00:41,956
It's not her, it's me.
14
00:00:44,840 --> 00:00:44,840
So when I said I missed you I meant
like how I would miss my period
15
00:00:48,360 --> 00:00:48,360
if it's a few days late.
16
00:00:49,756 --> 00:00:49,756
Like, slight concern but not
enough to buy a test.
17
00:01:03,796 --> 00:01:03,796
Are you going to talk to me, then?
18
00:01:06,440 --> 00:01:06,440
Sorry, my mouth keeps
getting full of whisky.
19
00:01:11,240 --> 00:01:11,240
Mate...
20
00:01:12,556 --> 00:01:12,556
You called me in a total
fucking tizz and all I hear
21
00:01:15,196 --> 00:01:15,196
from you since then is a couple
of texts and a Kristen Wiig GIF.
22
00:01:17,596 --> 00:01:17,596
It's not enough
to sustain a friendship.
23
00:01:17,836 --> 00:01:17,836
Sorry.
24
00:01:22,440 --> 00:01:22,440
It's been mental.
25
00:01:25,036 --> 00:01:25,036
What you did was mental, Marnie.
26
00:01:27,240 --> 00:01:27,240
You just fucking left me.
I was really worried about you.
27
00:01:30,436 --> 00:01:30,436
I went on the Mind website
and everything.
28
00:01:32,520 --> 00:01:32,520
I know. I'm sorry.
29
00:01:34,756 --> 00:01:34,756
You don't need to worry about me.
30
00:01:36,316 --> 00:01:36,316
I'm speaking to someone
now and it helps.
31
00:01:38,236 --> 00:01:38,236
I feel a lot less anxious.
32
00:01:42,796 --> 00:01:42,796
OK, well, all I'm saying is
if this needs to be an intervention
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00:01:45,916 --> 00:01:45,916
instead of a city break
then that's fine.
34
00:01:48,556 --> 00:01:48,556
It is a city break.
35
00:01:51,436 --> 00:01:51,436
Except all you'll see is this, a pub
and the inside of Shereen's flat
36
00:01:57,676 --> 00:01:57,676
because I've only got
£87 until I get a job.
37
00:02:01,636 --> 00:02:01,636
Wait, do you need money?
38
00:02:03,316 --> 00:02:03,316
I'm minted. Connor gave me a raise.
39
00:02:05,836 --> 00:02:05,836
He says it's because of gender pay
gaps but I think it's thigh gaps.
40
00:02:10,876 --> 00:02:10,876
As in mine.
41
00:02:11,880 --> 00:02:11,880
SHE LAUGHS
42
00:02:14,600 --> 00:02:14,600
Are you listening to me?
'Fuck off, I don't fancy her.'
43
00:02:17,960 --> 00:02:17,960
Oi.Ow.
44
00:02:19,080 --> 00:02:19,080
What are you thinking?
45
00:02:21,556 --> 00:02:21,556
You can't hang up on me now
because I'm right here in your face.
46
00:02:26,120 --> 00:02:26,120
'I should be able
to tell her anything.
47
00:02:28,996 --> 00:02:28,996
'I showed my first pubic hair
to this woman.'
48
00:02:34,996 --> 00:02:34,996
I was thinking about your vagina.
49
00:02:37,876 --> 00:02:37,876
Because that's what's
in your thigh gap.
50
00:02:44,840 --> 00:02:44,840
SHE LAUGHS
51
00:02:57,916 --> 00:02:57,916
Afternoon.Here he is.
52
00:02:59,476 --> 00:02:59,476
Back in the driver's seat.
53
00:03:01,160 --> 00:03:01,160
How is she handling?
54
00:03:02,836 --> 00:03:02,836
Yes, she's very smooth.
55
00:03:05,836 --> 00:03:05,836
Well, shan't distract you.
56
00:03:11,476 --> 00:03:11,476
Thank you.
57
00:03:19,516 --> 00:03:19,516
What time do you call this?
58
00:03:23,240 --> 00:03:23,240
Um...
59
00:03:25,756 --> 00:03:25,756
Did you get my e-mail?
60
00:03:27,720 --> 00:03:27,720
I red flagged it.
What, as in, to human resources?
61
00:03:31,156 --> 00:03:31,156
As in I haven't read it,
sorry, was it important?
62
00:03:34,396 --> 00:03:34,396
Yeah, in the context of this.
63
00:03:37,516 --> 00:03:37,516
This was going to be about that,
so it's good background to have.
64
00:03:40,756 --> 00:03:40,756
I'm up against it, Charlie, sorry.
Sorry, um...
65
00:03:46,156 --> 00:03:46,156
I just wanted to say
that I don't want things
66
00:03:48,556 --> 00:03:48,556
to be difficult working here.
67
00:03:50,956 --> 00:03:50,956
It's not great if you're finding
things difficult
on your first day back.
68
00:03:54,316 --> 00:03:54,316
No, I mean between us.
69
00:03:57,316 --> 00:03:57,316
Because of the cab thing. Yeah,
so...
70
00:03:59,836 --> 00:03:59,836
I just don't want you to think
that I was rejecting
71
00:04:02,236 --> 00:04:02,236
you because I wasn't.
72
00:04:04,396 --> 00:04:04,396
I mean, technically I was because
I didn't and we didn't but that's
73
00:04:07,276 --> 00:04:07,276
not because I didn't want to.
74
00:04:09,076 --> 00:04:09,076
Physically you are thumbs up
but you're my boss
75
00:04:12,076 --> 00:04:12,076
and I'm massively punching.
76
00:04:13,996 --> 00:04:13,996
It's like a monkey pulling a swan.
77
00:04:17,236 --> 00:04:17,236
I'm the monkey, you're the swan.
78
00:04:19,560 --> 00:04:19,560
But like a black swan cos that's
more interesting than just something
white floating down a canal.
79
00:04:23,116 --> 00:04:23,116
Anyway, I'm sort of making things
worse, so I'm just going to go back
80
00:04:26,356 --> 00:04:26,356
and carry on doing my work.
81
00:04:28,876 --> 00:04:28,876
What are you doing tomorrow?
82
00:04:30,600 --> 00:04:30,600
Night?
83
00:04:34,156 --> 00:04:34,156
Uh, I've got a dinner thing,
actually.
84
00:04:37,160 --> 00:04:37,160
OK, so you'll be done
what, 11, 11:30?
85
00:04:39,556 --> 00:04:39,556
Uh, yeah.
86
00:04:41,236 --> 00:04:41,236
Come back to mine after.
87
00:04:45,796 --> 00:04:45,796
Can I ask what for?
88
00:04:48,200 --> 00:04:48,200
It'll just be a bit of fun.
89
00:04:50,760 --> 00:04:50,760
Right, can you clarify what you mean
by fun,
90
00:04:52,520 --> 00:04:52,520
just cos different people
find different things fun?
91
00:04:55,080 --> 00:04:55,080
Like my mate thinks
gardening is fun.
92
00:04:57,076 --> 00:04:57,076
Other people like, um, jigsaws.
93
00:05:00,796 --> 00:05:00,796
I'll text you the address.
94
00:05:04,036 --> 00:05:04,036
Meeting in 20 if you
could tell the rest.
95
00:05:12,200 --> 00:05:12,200
Oh, my gosh!
96
00:05:18,196 --> 00:05:18,196
Dave?There is always a Dave.
Dave!
97
00:05:21,800 --> 00:05:21,800
What about that one there?Dave!
David. Davido.
98
00:05:25,636 --> 00:05:25,636
Dave! He's doing a little smile.
A little smile.
99
00:05:42,196 --> 00:05:42,196
There's something wrong with me.
100
00:05:45,436 --> 00:05:45,436
Yeah, I know.
101
00:05:47,356 --> 00:05:47,356
And I love you still.
102
00:05:52,756 --> 00:05:52,756
But like, there actually is.
103
00:05:57,320 --> 00:05:57,320
What?
104
00:05:59,116 --> 00:05:59,116
It's to do with the way I think.
105
00:06:01,876 --> 00:06:01,876
Have you gone Scientologist?
Is that why you moved to London?
106
00:06:04,276 --> 00:06:04,276
Have you been brainwashed?
I'm not a Scientologist.
107
00:06:06,440 --> 00:06:06,440
What then?
108
00:06:08,716 --> 00:06:08,716
I've got OCD.
109
00:06:13,160 --> 00:06:13,160
You don't have OCD.
110
00:06:16,156 --> 00:06:16,156
My therapist thinks I do.
111
00:06:20,840 --> 00:06:20,840
But you're such a mess.
112
00:06:25,276 --> 00:06:25,276
OCD doesn't mean you're neat.
113
00:06:28,036 --> 00:06:28,036
Uh, I have these thoughts
about sex pop into my head,
114
00:06:33,076 --> 00:06:33,076
like, "She's got a vagina."
115
00:06:38,280 --> 00:06:38,280
"I could snog him."
116
00:06:41,716 --> 00:06:41,716
"That looks like a penis."
117
00:06:45,556 --> 00:06:45,556
Yeah, but everyone gets those.No.
118
00:06:47,956 --> 00:06:47,956
Yeah, the other day, Colin was
in the office eating a banana
119
00:06:50,596 --> 00:06:50,596
and I was like,
"Oh, he is sucking that off."
120
00:06:53,596 --> 00:06:53,596
Yeah, but did it make you anxious?
Yeah.
121
00:06:55,880 --> 00:06:55,880
I was like, it's 11 o'clock and I'm
already desperate for my meal deal.
122
00:06:58,920 --> 00:06:58,920
OK.
123
00:07:00,676 --> 00:07:00,676
So it's like that but not at all.
124
00:07:06,316 --> 00:07:06,316
It's in my head, like, 24/7.
125
00:07:07,756 --> 00:07:07,756
It makes me really anxious.
126
00:07:10,996 --> 00:07:10,996
So I do stuff to try and get rid
of it like move to London
127
00:07:16,756 --> 00:07:16,756
and avoid you.
128
00:07:21,076 --> 00:07:21,076
You moved to London to avoid me?
129
00:07:24,436 --> 00:07:24,436
No.
130
00:07:25,756 --> 00:07:25,756
You're a trigger.
131
00:07:28,276 --> 00:07:28,276
It's why sometimes I go weird
with you because you're always
132
00:07:31,996 --> 00:07:31,996
whapping your boobs
at me, it freaks me out.
133
00:07:34,036 --> 00:07:34,036
What's wrong with my boobs?
Nothing.
134
00:07:35,956 --> 00:07:35,956
No, it's not you, it's my
disorder, they upset me.
135
00:07:39,560 --> 00:07:39,560
Sorry.No.
136
00:07:41,116 --> 00:07:41,116
I can't avoid every trigger.
137
00:07:42,600 --> 00:07:42,600
Look, don't cover them up,
come on, get them out.
138
00:07:45,076 --> 00:07:45,076
Oh, Dave! Help me! She's trying to
molest me!She's fine, Dave.
139
00:07:48,360 --> 00:07:48,360
She loves it. She loves it, really.
140
00:07:56,360 --> 00:07:56,360
I suppose they are quite nice.
141
00:07:58,156 --> 00:07:58,156
Why do you think I'm so
obsessed with them?
142
00:08:24,436 --> 00:08:24,436
What's this one?Nancy.
143
00:08:26,956 --> 00:08:26,956
That girl from the other night?
144
00:08:28,396 --> 00:08:28,396
No, she isn't a girl.
Sorry, woman.
145
00:08:30,600 --> 00:08:30,600
She's a witch.
146
00:08:31,636 --> 00:08:31,636
HE CHUCKLES
147
00:08:33,676 --> 00:08:33,676
Must be all right if you're breaking
the Dorothy double-dip rule.
148
00:08:36,556 --> 00:08:36,556
SHE SIGHS
149
00:08:37,996 --> 00:08:37,996
What is wrong with me?
150
00:08:39,796 --> 00:08:39,796
It's just a girl, a woman,
a fucking witch, whatever.
151
00:08:43,396 --> 00:08:43,396
Just say no to her.Can't.
152
00:08:45,320 --> 00:08:45,320
She's going to send her little
witch monkeys after me
153
00:08:47,116 --> 00:08:47,116
and then where would I be?
Trick her into having a bath.
154
00:08:50,280 --> 00:08:50,280
I would love a bath with her.
155
00:08:55,880 --> 00:08:55,880
Cos then she'd melt and she'd be
dead cos she's a witch.
156
00:09:03,196 --> 00:09:03,196
Don't text her.
No, I am taking control.
157
00:09:15,316 --> 00:09:15,316
TV: ..ritual courtship
in their search for a mate.
158
00:09:17,596 --> 00:09:17,596
Shereen!
159
00:09:22,756 --> 00:09:22,756
I still can't believe
you live with SHEREEN.
160
00:09:28,516 --> 00:09:28,516
She's all right.
161
00:09:31,756 --> 00:09:31,756
Hi.It's the pussy whisperer.
162
00:09:34,280 --> 00:09:34,280
I never understood that moniker.
I've never even had a cat.
163
00:09:37,996 --> 00:09:37,996
Come on, bring it in.
Don't try and strike me.
164
00:09:40,520 --> 00:09:40,520
You're welcome in my home.
You smell like 2007.
165
00:09:43,756 --> 00:09:43,756
You smell like that homeless guy
who lives outside the tube.
166
00:09:48,556 --> 00:09:48,556
Yeah, we went for drinks.
I thought you were on a cleanse.
167
00:09:51,196 --> 00:09:51,196
Just a wee toast to the motherland.
Look what I did.
168
00:09:56,476 --> 00:09:56,476
Ta-da!
169
00:09:58,396 --> 00:09:58,396
And a penne gratin with
roasted summer veg for tomorrow.
170
00:10:02,600 --> 00:10:02,600
What's happening tomorrow?
171
00:10:03,916 --> 00:10:03,916
We're having some people
over for tea.
172
00:10:06,676 --> 00:10:06,676
It's kind of in your honour and kind
of because they were coming over
anyway.What people?
173
00:10:10,516 --> 00:10:10,516
People I met.
174
00:10:12,200 --> 00:10:12,200
Oh, did you go on one of those sad
apps to try and make friends?
175
00:10:15,316 --> 00:10:15,316
Those don't work. I've heard.
176
00:10:17,960 --> 00:10:17,960
I met them in real life.
177
00:10:20,116 --> 00:10:20,116
It will be great.
178
00:10:21,320 --> 00:10:21,320
All of us together
at the same social event.
179
00:10:24,360 --> 00:10:24,360
How often does that happen?
180
00:10:26,596 --> 00:10:26,596
It will be like an eclipse.
181
00:10:28,156 --> 00:10:28,156
Let's hope nobody
damages their eyesight.
182
00:10:29,836 --> 00:10:29,836
Yeah, eclipses are
always a let down.
183
00:10:31,996 --> 00:10:31,996
But they also unite everyone
together to witness
184
00:10:36,840 --> 00:10:36,840
an historic celestial event.
185
00:10:40,396 --> 00:10:40,396
It's just a pasta bake, mate.
186
00:10:46,036 --> 00:10:46,036
'The other thing about eclipses
is that you're so busy looking
187
00:10:48,916 --> 00:10:48,916
'up you don't see the massive hole
you're about to fall into.'
188
00:11:00,312 --> 00:11:00,312
# Nowhere to run to, baby
189
00:11:03,672 --> 00:11:03,672
# Nowhere to hide. #
190
00:11:06,436 --> 00:11:06,436
So, this one here is...
191
00:11:08,472 --> 00:11:08,472
Helen.OK.
192
00:11:10,032 --> 00:11:10,032
And that guy there?
193
00:11:12,356 --> 00:11:12,356
Joe.
194
00:11:13,752 --> 00:11:13,752
Joe. Joe from work, Joe?Yeah.
195
00:11:16,392 --> 00:11:16,392
Well, um...
196
00:11:17,832 --> 00:11:17,832
Not from work now, cos I quit, but
he was at work when I was there.
197
00:11:22,512 --> 00:11:22,512
So you keep in touch. That's nice.
198
00:11:24,356 --> 00:11:24,356
Yeah, he's...kind of a friend, now.
199
00:11:27,312 --> 00:11:27,312
Like us.Yeah!
200
00:11:29,476 --> 00:11:29,476
Babe, can you, like, text my phone
cos I think it's broken?Yeah...
201
00:11:32,712 --> 00:11:32,712
I'm just going to go and mingle.
202
00:11:35,112 --> 00:11:35,112
He's mingling.
Mingling is happening.
203
00:11:40,272 --> 00:11:40,272
# Got nowhere to run... #
204
00:11:42,672 --> 00:11:42,672
Salmon mousse on a cucumber blini?
205
00:11:44,952 --> 00:11:44,952
Are they home-made or shop-bought?
Home-made.
206
00:11:47,472 --> 00:11:47,472
It's like when people bring
home-made stuff into work, isn't it?
207
00:11:49,992 --> 00:11:49,992
You just don't trust it.
Do I detect some horseradish?
208
00:11:52,872 --> 00:11:52,872
Yeah, so, what does
your house say about you?
209
00:11:56,996 --> 00:11:56,996
It's like my old life shagged my new
life and had a delightful child.
210
00:12:01,796 --> 00:12:01,796
It's OK, you don't have to say.
211
00:12:03,192 --> 00:12:03,192
Let's talk about something else.
No, no, I'm going to do it.
212
00:12:05,472 --> 00:12:05,472
Favourite celebrity animal? Um...
213
00:12:08,952 --> 00:12:08,952
# When I look in the mirror
to comb my hair
214
00:12:13,512 --> 00:12:13,512
# I see your face
just smiling there. #
215
00:12:16,996 --> 00:12:16,996
So when he's not texting, you're,
like, coming from different places.
216
00:12:19,752 --> 00:12:19,752
And it's not because they're not
into you.
217
00:12:21,316 --> 00:12:21,316
It's just they haven't had time
to talk, because they're at
218
00:12:23,952 --> 00:12:23,952
a meeting or in a library,
219
00:12:25,992 --> 00:12:25,992
and they can't talk, and that's why
they should fucking text, you know?
220
00:12:28,752 --> 00:12:28,752
Maybe you should just ring her.
221
00:12:30,596 --> 00:12:30,596
I should just ring her, you know?
222
00:12:37,316 --> 00:12:37,316
Hey, Nance.
223
00:12:39,716 --> 00:12:39,716
It's 8:32pm on a Saturday,
and you're probably out,
224
00:12:44,952 --> 00:12:44,952
breaking that glass ceiling,
or the mould,
225
00:12:48,836 --> 00:12:48,836
or some hearts or something.
226
00:12:52,196 --> 00:12:52,196
So am I, out and about.
227
00:12:57,796 --> 00:12:57,796
He says you got him run over.
228
00:13:01,512 --> 00:13:01,512
SHE LAUGHS
Well...
229
00:13:03,556 --> 00:13:03,556
What happened was...
We were at this pub.
230
00:13:05,712 --> 00:13:05,712
What, like a date?No!
231
00:13:07,272 --> 00:13:07,272
Like the opposite of a date.
232
00:13:08,952 --> 00:13:08,952
What's this?
233
00:13:10,632 --> 00:13:10,632
Did I, by any chance,
leave my bra at your house?
234
00:13:14,112 --> 00:13:14,112
Cos I arrived with it and now
I don't have it, so...
235
00:13:17,956 --> 00:13:17,956
..if you find it...
236
00:13:20,232 --> 00:13:20,232
..I want it back!
237
00:13:24,196 --> 00:13:24,196
Thank you!
238
00:13:28,632 --> 00:13:28,632
Um...
239
00:13:30,072 --> 00:13:30,072
It was part of a set.
240
00:13:31,752 --> 00:13:31,752
Of course.
That's why they're sold together.
241
00:13:34,512 --> 00:13:34,512
SHE GIGGLES
Would you like a drink?
242
00:13:36,676 --> 00:13:36,676
Yes, I'd like a pint of wine,
please.
243
00:13:39,076 --> 00:13:39,076
And his shoe was still in my
pocket when I left his.
244
00:13:42,116 --> 00:13:42,116
Because the nurse said
I needed looking after.
245
00:13:44,356 --> 00:13:44,356
I was like his carer.
Good bedside manner.
246
00:13:49,152 --> 00:13:49,152
Er, so, not a date,
to answer your question.
247
00:13:52,632 --> 00:13:52,632
She wouldn't.
248
00:13:54,072 --> 00:13:54,072
Why not?
249
00:13:58,392 --> 00:13:58,392
Um...
250
00:14:00,196 --> 00:14:00,196
HELEN LAUGHS
251
00:14:01,316 --> 00:14:01,316
She's just not a very sexual person.
252
00:14:04,516 --> 00:14:04,516
I'm doing all right in London.
253
00:14:13,272 --> 00:14:13,272
I'm empty.
254
00:14:22,272 --> 00:14:22,272
You all right?I'm fine.
255
00:14:24,432 --> 00:14:24,432
Why, do I not seem fine?
256
00:14:26,756 --> 00:14:26,756
No...
257
00:14:28,996 --> 00:14:28,996
You just seem a bit distracted.
258
00:14:32,712 --> 00:14:32,712
Is it cos of all
the people, with their bodies?
259
00:14:37,992 --> 00:14:37,992
I'm fine.
260
00:14:44,232 --> 00:14:44,232
Well, I WAS fine.
261
00:14:45,912 --> 00:14:45,912
Now I feel kind of shitty.
262
00:14:47,712 --> 00:14:47,712
Why did she ask that?
263
00:14:49,392 --> 00:14:49,392
Am I being a perv?
Have people noticed?
264
00:14:52,872 --> 00:14:52,872
It's essentially ratio analysis
and financial modelling,
265
00:14:56,352 --> 00:14:56,352
with the overall objective of making
buy sell stock investment
266
00:14:59,952 --> 00:14:59,952
recommendations, so...
267
00:15:02,756 --> 00:15:02,756
Right, sounds...Complex, yeah.
268
00:15:04,996 --> 00:15:04,996
..really quite dry.
HE LAUGHS
269
00:15:07,272 --> 00:15:07,272
I mean, I'm more of a creative,
so that kind of stuff just...
270
00:15:10,992 --> 00:15:10,992
Oh, yeah...goes over my head.
271
00:15:16,036 --> 00:15:16,036
So, you're...you're Joe from work?
272
00:15:18,672 --> 00:15:18,672
Work Joe.
273
00:15:20,592 --> 00:15:20,592
Joe doing the work.
274
00:15:22,512 --> 00:15:22,512
All about the work.
That's, that's, that's all, just...
275
00:15:25,752 --> 00:15:25,752
Er, I do other stuff too.
Yeah, yeah.
276
00:15:28,152 --> 00:15:28,152
JOE CHUCKLES
277
00:15:29,832 --> 00:15:29,832
Probably not as much as me, though.
278
00:15:31,992 --> 00:15:31,992
I, I do so many hobbies.
279
00:15:33,672 --> 00:15:33,672
It's kind of my thing, actually.
280
00:15:35,352 --> 00:15:35,352
It's actually how we met.
281
00:15:37,156 --> 00:15:37,156
Oh, how did you?
Sorry, she never said.
282
00:15:40,516 --> 00:15:40,516
Felting.
283
00:15:44,996 --> 00:15:44,996
Cool.
284
00:15:46,272 --> 00:15:46,272
I think it's because I'm the
extrovert and she's the introvert.
285
00:15:49,316 --> 00:15:49,316
We just gel.
286
00:15:50,832 --> 00:15:50,832
Like a foetus
absorbing its twin in the womb.
287
00:15:53,472 --> 00:15:53,472
THEY LAUGH
That's very good.
288
00:15:55,752 --> 00:15:55,752
I, I think I've really
come out of my shell...
How did you guys meet?
289
00:15:58,992 --> 00:15:58,992
How DID we meet, Marnie?
290
00:16:01,392 --> 00:16:01,392
Er, er...
291
00:16:03,432 --> 00:16:03,432
We met...in a bar.
292
00:16:05,712 --> 00:16:05,712
She chatted me up.
293
00:16:09,476 --> 00:16:09,476
I was experimenting.What?
294
00:16:12,676 --> 00:16:12,676
You got with her?
295
00:16:14,596 --> 00:16:14,596
My first week in London,
the only human contact
296
00:16:17,112 --> 00:16:17,112
I had was with an IKEA cashier.
297
00:16:19,752 --> 00:16:19,752
And I paid for that privilege.
298
00:16:23,592 --> 00:16:23,592
Oh, Charlie needs a drink.
299
00:16:30,116 --> 00:16:30,116
Thank you.
300
00:16:32,472 --> 00:16:32,472
So, how's things? How's work?
301
00:16:36,432 --> 00:16:36,432
My, my boss came onto me.
302
00:16:39,192 --> 00:16:39,192
What?
303
00:16:40,752 --> 00:16:40,752
Mm, yeah, I know.
I was like, "Sarah, get off me!
304
00:16:44,356 --> 00:16:44,356
"You're my boss!"
305
00:16:47,472 --> 00:16:47,472
She actually wants me to go
round there tonight.
306
00:16:50,832 --> 00:16:50,832
You should report her.
307
00:16:53,712 --> 00:16:53,712
Well, what if I was into it?
308
00:16:58,632 --> 00:16:58,632
ARE you into it?
309
00:17:02,116 --> 00:17:02,116
It doesn't matter, does it?
310
00:17:04,152 --> 00:17:04,152
I mean, what am I going to do?
Turn up and...
311
00:17:06,916 --> 00:17:06,916
..hope the little fella does too?
312
00:17:08,836 --> 00:17:08,836
Oh, that's fear talking.
313
00:17:12,432 --> 00:17:12,432
You need to take away its power.
314
00:17:15,076 --> 00:17:15,076
Lack of power's kind
of the issue, though, innit?
315
00:17:17,232 --> 00:17:17,232
I mean...
316
00:17:18,916 --> 00:17:18,916
..people would understand
if you told them.
317
00:17:22,152 --> 00:17:22,152
What, so you...
..you think I should?Yeah.
318
00:17:25,272 --> 00:17:25,272
Go round there after this?
You think...
319
00:17:27,312 --> 00:17:27,312
..that's a thing that I should do?
320
00:17:33,312 --> 00:17:33,312
If that's what you want to do,
you should do that.
321
00:17:46,512 --> 00:17:46,512
Yeah, I might.
322
00:17:51,312 --> 00:17:51,312
GLASS SMASHES
323
00:17:52,632 --> 00:17:52,632
Whoops.Oh, oh, fuck.
324
00:17:55,032 --> 00:17:55,032
It's OK if I...?Yeah, sorry.
325
00:17:59,876 --> 00:17:59,876
Oh, it's fine.
326
00:18:02,232 --> 00:18:02,232
SHE LAUGHS
I wasn't apologising.
327
00:18:06,436 --> 00:18:06,436
Er, Shereen, can I do anything?
328
00:18:08,112 --> 00:18:08,112
No, no, no, no,
it's all, it's all done.
329
00:18:10,436 --> 00:18:10,436
I'll do the dishes. Sorry.
330
00:18:13,032 --> 00:18:13,032
It's just nice to have people over.
331
00:18:15,076 --> 00:18:15,076
Everyone is so nice.
332
00:18:16,752 --> 00:18:16,752
Amber invited me
to her birthday party.Oh!
333
00:18:19,392 --> 00:18:19,392
She invited me too.
You don't even live in London.
334
00:18:23,396 --> 00:18:23,396
Yeah, well, I was thinking
about it, actually.
335
00:18:26,832 --> 00:18:26,832
You know, getting back to my roots.
336
00:18:29,232 --> 00:18:29,232
I thought you were from Slough.
337
00:18:31,632 --> 00:18:31,632
It's still London.
338
00:18:40,872 --> 00:18:40,872
If she moves here,
I'll have to move again -
339
00:18:44,112 --> 00:18:44,112
like some sort of pervy nomad.
340
00:18:49,512 --> 00:18:49,512
Here we go.Hey!
341
00:18:51,672 --> 00:18:51,672
I made gratin with roasted summer
vegetables.Pasta bake.
342
00:18:55,512 --> 00:18:55,512
Delicious.Thanks, Shereen.
Thanks, Shereen.
343
00:18:58,152 --> 00:18:58,152
Yeah, thanks for having
us around, Marnie.
344
00:19:00,432 --> 00:19:00,432
Should I dish up for everyone?
345
00:19:02,472 --> 00:19:02,472
SHE TAPS HER GLASS
346
00:19:04,152 --> 00:19:04,152
I want to make a speech.No!
347
00:19:06,432 --> 00:19:06,432
Please don't, though, cos you're
quite drunk.
348
00:19:08,352 --> 00:19:08,352
Shhh.Helen...Shhh.
349
00:19:11,832 --> 00:19:11,832
I just want to say...
350
00:19:14,352 --> 00:19:14,352
..I think it's really nice
that you lot are here.
351
00:19:19,032 --> 00:19:19,032
OK.Cos I know you don't really
know her, like me.
352
00:19:22,632 --> 00:19:22,632
SHE LAUGHS
353
00:19:25,636 --> 00:19:25,636
But do you all get
that she is special.
354
00:19:30,432 --> 00:19:30,432
Hey! Cheers.Cheers.
355
00:19:31,992 --> 00:19:31,992
Special, like special measures
special, cos I fall short
356
00:19:35,112 --> 00:19:35,112
of acceptable standards.
THEY CHUCKLE
357
00:19:36,912 --> 00:19:36,912
No! But it's fine,
358
00:19:39,312 --> 00:19:39,312
because in spite of
everything I know,
359
00:19:42,912 --> 00:19:42,912
I accept you.
360
00:19:45,672 --> 00:19:45,672
Cool.Fabulous girl.
361
00:19:47,592 --> 00:19:47,592
I love her.
THEY LAUGH
362
00:19:50,832 --> 00:19:50,832
Do you want a bit of baguette?
363
00:19:53,112 --> 00:19:53,112
Yeah, shove some bread in her mouth,
shut her up. You...
364
00:19:56,112 --> 00:19:56,112
..be nice.I AM being nice.
365
00:19:59,236 --> 00:19:59,236
So be nice, then.
366
00:20:01,872 --> 00:20:01,872
I'm literally always nice.
367
00:20:03,672 --> 00:20:03,672
I'm being nice just by being here.
368
00:20:05,952 --> 00:20:05,952
Like, coming to see you
when you just left me,
369
00:20:09,672 --> 00:20:09,672
which WASN'T nice.
370
00:20:12,196 --> 00:20:12,196
But I'm nice.
371
00:20:13,796 --> 00:20:13,796
And I'm here.
372
00:20:16,152 --> 00:20:16,152
So, you're welcome.
373
00:20:19,032 --> 00:20:19,032
Cheers!ALL:Cheers.
374
00:20:22,992 --> 00:20:22,992
Great.Shall we dig in?
375
00:20:25,316 --> 00:20:25,316
No.What?Gimme.I haven't...
376
00:20:26,952 --> 00:20:26,952
Oh, oh, oh!
377
00:20:28,752 --> 00:20:28,752
She just tried to get my top off!
378
00:20:30,912 --> 00:20:30,912
Go on, then, have a good look!
379
00:20:32,232 --> 00:20:32,232
Stop it, Helen, stop it.
I don't like it.
380
00:20:34,512 --> 00:20:34,512
Maybe you should have some food.
381
00:20:36,192 --> 00:20:36,192
Soak some of it up.
382
00:20:37,752 --> 00:20:37,752
You can look all you want when I
move here.You're not moving here.
383
00:20:41,476 --> 00:20:41,476
Yeah...I am.
384
00:20:44,712 --> 00:20:44,712
Cos I'd do that for you.
385
00:20:46,756 --> 00:20:46,756
Cos of what's wrong with you.
386
00:20:49,156 --> 00:20:49,156
I don't want you to.
387
00:20:58,152 --> 00:20:58,152
SHE LAUGHS
388
00:21:06,116 --> 00:21:06,116
There's something wrong with her.
389
00:21:08,712 --> 00:21:08,712
No, there's not.
Have you not told them?
390
00:21:11,952 --> 00:21:11,952
Don't be ashamed.
391
00:21:13,872 --> 00:21:13,872
If they were mates, they'll get it.
I don't think she wants to.
392
00:21:16,392 --> 00:21:16,392
She does. She does.No!She does.
393
00:21:19,392 --> 00:21:19,392
She is obsessed with sex.
394
00:21:25,872 --> 00:21:25,872
It's not me, it's my OCD.
395
00:21:28,872 --> 00:21:28,872
Fuck off! Shut the fuck up!
396
00:21:32,112 --> 00:21:32,112
She's doing it right now,
she's perving in her head,
397
00:21:34,992 --> 00:21:34,992
thinking about all your bits and
what she wants to do with them.
398
00:21:37,392 --> 00:21:37,392
And she has to do it, no
matter what it is,
399
00:21:39,912 --> 00:21:39,912
and that's why she's
done stuff with you.
400
00:21:42,072 --> 00:21:42,072
Even if she hasn't, she wants to.
401
00:21:43,556 --> 00:21:43,556
Shut the fuck up, Helen!
402
00:21:49,872 --> 00:21:49,872
SHE SIGHS
403
00:21:54,072 --> 00:21:54,072
It's going to get cold...
404
00:21:56,232 --> 00:21:56,232
Yeah, come on.Yeah.Plates.
405
00:22:00,192 --> 00:22:00,192
Mmm!Nicely done.
406
00:22:01,752 --> 00:22:01,752
You'll, er, have to send me
the recipe.
407
00:22:03,792 --> 00:22:03,792
This looks...
408
00:22:05,476 --> 00:22:05,476
Wow.
409
00:22:09,192 --> 00:22:09,192
You know, she asked to see my
breasts.Fuck...
410
00:22:12,072 --> 00:22:12,072
And I was like, fine.Jesus Christ.
411
00:22:14,112 --> 00:22:14,112
Because I'm your friend
and I would do that for you.
412
00:22:17,352 --> 00:22:17,352
Cos I know how sick she is
and I know that's why
413
00:22:19,992 --> 00:22:19,992
she won't stop looking at you all...
Cover yourself up then!
414
00:22:24,072 --> 00:22:24,072
HELEN WHIMPERS
415
00:22:28,996 --> 00:22:28,996
See, she just wants to touch them...
416
00:22:30,792 --> 00:22:30,792
Argh, I have OCD!
417
00:22:33,192 --> 00:22:33,192
I have intrusive sexual thoughts
that give me really bad anxiety!
418
00:22:41,112 --> 00:22:41,112
Yes, I've thought about you all.
419
00:22:42,792 --> 00:22:42,792
No, I don't want to talk
about it, so...
420
00:22:45,316 --> 00:22:45,316
Enjoy your fucking tea.
421
00:22:48,912 --> 00:22:48,912
Bon appetit.
422
00:22:52,512 --> 00:22:52,512
It's good.
423
00:23:31,736 --> 00:23:31,736
Most people ruin dinner parties
with salmonella, not me.
424
00:23:35,816 --> 00:23:35,816
If you come to my house, it's not
the food that gives you nausea,
425
00:23:38,336 --> 00:23:38,336
it's the shocking
revelations about the host.
426
00:23:42,776 --> 00:23:42,776
Oh, I'll do it in the morning,
Shereen.
427
00:23:44,576 --> 00:23:44,576
Oh, it's fine.I said I'll do it!
428
00:23:46,976 --> 00:23:46,976
Sorry.Don't apologise!
429
00:23:49,376 --> 00:23:49,376
Why are you so nice to people?
430
00:23:51,060 --> 00:23:51,060
You let them walk all over you.
431
00:23:52,376 --> 00:23:52,376
It's not going to make them
like you, it's fucking depressing!
432
00:23:57,536 --> 00:23:57,536
Stand up for yourself!
433
00:24:07,736 --> 00:24:07,736
Sorry.
434
00:24:24,416 --> 00:24:24,416
Hello?
435
00:24:26,096 --> 00:24:26,096
In here.
436
00:24:34,136 --> 00:24:34,136
Want some?
437
00:24:36,176 --> 00:24:36,176
Actually, you don't
have any milk, do you?
438
00:24:39,776 --> 00:24:39,776
Milk?
439
00:24:40,976 --> 00:24:40,976
Yeah.
440
00:24:42,536 --> 00:24:42,536
Yeah.
441
00:24:43,616 --> 00:24:43,616
Thanks, just had a hankering.
442
00:24:57,056 --> 00:24:57,056
Cheers.
443
00:25:03,776 --> 00:25:03,776
Mm.
444
00:25:06,656 --> 00:25:06,656
It's a nice place.
445
00:25:09,296 --> 00:25:09,296
Good-sized rooms.
446
00:25:12,656 --> 00:25:12,656
I'll give you a tour.
Kitchen, obviously.
447
00:25:17,816 --> 00:25:17,816
Conservatory, snug.
448
00:25:31,736 --> 00:25:31,736
Has she text back yet?
449
00:25:33,416 --> 00:25:33,416
Nope, not unless she's somehow
changed her name to Mo in my phone
450
00:25:36,536 --> 00:25:36,536
and wants to know if I want
this lovely table lamp
451
00:25:38,576 --> 00:25:38,576
she's getting rid of.
452
00:25:40,500 --> 00:25:40,500
Bit chintzy.
453
00:25:42,776 --> 00:25:42,776
I said yeah.
454
00:25:44,340 --> 00:25:44,340
Well done.
455
00:25:45,536 --> 00:25:45,536
It's Irish chic.
456
00:25:49,856 --> 00:25:49,856
That was weird.
457
00:25:51,060 --> 00:25:51,060
Well, at least we didn't
get food poisoning.
458
00:25:53,216 --> 00:25:53,216
There's still time.
459
00:25:59,380 --> 00:25:59,380
Hello, Amber speaking.
460
00:26:01,016 --> 00:26:01,016
Oh, is that your phone voice?
461
00:26:04,980 --> 00:26:04,980
Nancy, hi.
462
00:26:06,176 --> 00:26:06,176
Do you want to come round?
463
00:26:07,976 --> 00:26:07,976
Um... Um...
464
00:26:10,420 --> 00:26:10,420
I'm still out, actually.
465
00:26:11,576 --> 00:26:11,576
OK. Well, another time, then.
466
00:26:14,100 --> 00:26:14,100
I could do next week.
467
00:26:16,256 --> 00:26:16,256
Yeah, just that work's a bit
full-on next week, so...
468
00:26:19,256 --> 00:26:19,256
Oh, tell me about it!
Work is absolutely madness here.
469
00:26:21,656 --> 00:26:21,656
She's totally using you, you idiot.
470
00:26:24,536 --> 00:26:24,536
Don't do it!
471
00:26:25,736 --> 00:26:25,736
Don't do it, just say no.
472
00:26:28,020 --> 00:26:28,020
Um, I could do, say, an hour?
473
00:26:33,780 --> 00:26:33,780
You are weak, mate!
474
00:26:35,456 --> 00:26:35,456
So weak!
475
00:26:37,496 --> 00:26:37,496
Great.
476
00:26:39,540 --> 00:26:39,540
Isn't it just?
477
00:26:40,980 --> 00:26:40,980
Great, so... Hello?
478
00:26:46,260 --> 00:26:46,260
Who are you?
479
00:26:49,376 --> 00:26:49,376
It's like when they change
Bonds, I don't like it.
480
00:26:51,416 --> 00:26:51,416
No, cos what this
is is I'm playing her.
481
00:26:54,896 --> 00:26:54,896
OK? I'm not going to go to hers,
and she's going
482
00:26:57,176 --> 00:26:57,176
to be waiting, right,
and I'm going to be here
483
00:27:00,296 --> 00:27:00,296
on the couch in my PJs,
not at her house, where
484
00:27:03,776 --> 00:27:03,776
she is probably naked.
485
00:27:15,656 --> 00:27:15,656
One second.Just going to...
486
00:27:17,140 --> 00:27:17,140
Just going to what?
487
00:27:22,016 --> 00:27:22,016
And...bedroom.
488
00:27:25,256 --> 00:27:25,256
Oh, it's nice.
489
00:27:27,296 --> 00:27:27,296
Very tidy.
490
00:27:28,856 --> 00:27:28,856
It's a good size.
491
00:27:30,536 --> 00:27:30,536
Oh, iPad by the bed - naughty.
492
00:27:32,500 --> 00:27:32,500
Shouldn't use that before you go
to sleep cos it's blue light
493
00:27:34,976 --> 00:27:34,976
and it keeps you up, you know,
disturbs your sleep...
494
00:27:46,616 --> 00:27:46,616
Key performance indicator.
495
00:27:51,296 --> 00:27:51,296
And no-one can find out.
496
00:27:52,736 --> 00:27:52,736
Mum's the word.
497
00:27:54,420 --> 00:27:54,420
Not cos you're, you know...
Yeah, sh!
498
00:28:11,936 --> 00:28:11,936
Come on.
499
00:28:17,216 --> 00:28:17,216
I don't know if I can.
500
00:28:19,136 --> 00:28:19,136
If you're worried about work,
I'll be very discreet.
501
00:28:21,460 --> 00:28:21,460
No, like, physically.
502
00:28:23,936 --> 00:28:23,936
I've got a bit of a problem -
don't know if it works.
503
00:28:28,136 --> 00:28:28,136
You know me, this.
504
00:28:29,576 --> 00:28:29,576
I mean, it works sometimes,
I just don't really know when.
505
00:28:32,696 --> 00:28:32,696
It's quite inconsistent.
506
00:28:38,216 --> 00:28:38,216
I see.
507
00:28:39,220 --> 00:28:39,220
Yeah, I just don't want
you to think that it's you.
508
00:28:41,460 --> 00:28:41,460
I know it's not me.
It's definitely, definitely not you.
509
00:28:43,736 --> 00:28:43,736
Yep, yep.
510
00:28:46,256 --> 00:28:46,256
I...What do you want to do,
Charlie?
511
00:28:55,060 --> 00:28:55,060
Well, if you still want to
do something,
512
00:28:58,376 --> 00:28:58,376
then it would have to be me
doing stuff to you.Right.
513
00:29:02,216 --> 00:29:02,216
That would probably help,
you'd be doing me a favour.
514
00:29:07,496 --> 00:29:07,496
Happy to help.
515
00:29:23,096 --> 00:29:23,096
Helen, Helen!
516
00:29:26,216 --> 00:29:26,216
What?Your bag's on the seat.
517
00:29:29,140 --> 00:29:29,140
Oh, sorry.
518
00:29:33,536 --> 00:29:33,536
What did you just say to her?
519
00:29:35,816 --> 00:29:35,816
I said I was sorry cos my bag
was on the seat.Oh.
520
00:29:39,176 --> 00:29:39,176
Didn't know you knew that word.
521
00:29:42,900 --> 00:29:42,900
Well, I do.
Maybe you should say it, then.
522
00:29:44,696 --> 00:29:44,696
You should say it.
Why should I say it?
523
00:29:46,616 --> 00:29:46,616
You're the one that behaved
like a massive bitch.
I can't believe you did that!
524
00:29:49,976 --> 00:29:49,976
I travelled, like, 500 miles
to come and see you!
525
00:29:52,136 --> 00:29:52,136
The Proclaimers are in and they're
proclaiming a load of shite!
You just ignored me.
526
00:29:55,540 --> 00:29:55,540
Pretty hard to ignore
you when everything you do
is so somebody will look at you.
527
00:30:03,416 --> 00:30:03,416
Yeah, well everyone's looking
at you now so you don't
have to worry about that.
528
00:30:06,900 --> 00:30:06,900
Bet you hate that.
529
00:30:08,216 --> 00:30:08,216
No, I hate that everyone gets fun
Marnie and I get this shit.
530
00:30:14,816 --> 00:30:14,816
You love when I'm shit because then
nobody notices that you're shit.
531
00:30:17,696 --> 00:30:17,696
You're shit!
532
00:30:18,656 --> 00:30:18,656
OK, well, I'd rather
be shit than mental.
533
00:30:31,256 --> 00:30:31,256
Bye.
534
00:30:46,260 --> 00:30:46,260
Excuse me.
535
00:30:53,940 --> 00:30:53,940
I'm sorry.Me too.
536
00:31:01,620 --> 00:31:01,620
I don't think that you're mental.
537
00:31:04,736 --> 00:31:04,736
I was just really fucking angry
at you for leaving me.
538
00:31:08,216 --> 00:31:08,216
I didn't leave you.
539
00:31:11,860 --> 00:31:11,860
I left me.
540
00:31:15,176 --> 00:31:15,176
Please come back.
541
00:31:18,416 --> 00:31:18,416
You're not you when
you're down here.
542
00:31:25,496 --> 00:31:25,496
I think we need to not
be friends for a bit.
543
00:31:33,776 --> 00:31:33,776
You can't not be my friend.
544
00:31:37,136 --> 00:31:37,136
Cos all I've got is you and my hair.
545
00:31:50,456 --> 00:31:50,456
Are you breaking up with me?
546
00:32:01,856 --> 00:32:01,856
I love you, but I hate
how I feel when I'm with you.
547
00:32:07,856 --> 00:32:07,856
I'm sorry.
548
00:32:10,736 --> 00:32:10,736
I think I just need to be on my own
for a bit until I sort myself out.
549
00:32:27,296 --> 00:32:27,296
Well, I should go.
550
00:32:30,656 --> 00:32:30,656
Will you be OK?
551
00:32:36,416 --> 00:32:36,416
I'll fuck your dad
to get back at you.
552
00:32:49,376 --> 00:32:49,376
It's not me, it's her.
553
00:32:51,896 --> 00:32:51,896
Light of my life,
bonfire of my existence.
554
00:32:55,060 --> 00:32:55,060
She used to make me feel warm
inside, now she's set my heart
555
00:32:58,740 --> 00:32:58,740
on fire, like an arson attack.
556
00:33:01,496 --> 00:33:01,496
We are ashes.
557
00:33:03,896 --> 00:33:03,896
But now new life can grow.
558
00:33:07,016 --> 00:33:07,016
# Although I might be
laughing loud and hearty
559
00:33:13,256 --> 00:33:13,256
# Deep inside I'm blue
560
00:33:16,736 --> 00:33:16,736
# So take a good look at my face
561
00:33:21,940 --> 00:33:21,940
# You'll see my smile
looks out of place
562
00:33:26,816 --> 00:33:26,816
# If you look closer
it's easy to trace
563
00:33:31,380 --> 00:33:31,380
# The tracks of my tears
564
00:33:37,140 --> 00:33:37,140
# I need you
565
00:33:38,456 --> 00:33:38,456
# Need you
566
00:33:39,540 --> 00:33:39,540
# Need you
567
00:33:40,736 --> 00:33:40,736
# Need you
568
00:33:43,060 --> 00:33:43,060
# Since you left me if you
see me with another girl
569
00:33:47,696 --> 00:33:47,696
# Seeming like I'm having fun
570
00:33:51,700 --> 00:33:51,700
# Although she may be cute
she's just a substitute
571
00:33:56,696 --> 00:33:56,696
# Because you're the permanent one
572
00:34:01,136 --> 00:34:01,136
# So take a good look at my face
573
00:34:06,296 --> 00:34:06,296
# You'll see my smile
looks out of place
574
00:34:10,496 --> 00:34:10,496
# Look a little bit closer
it's easy to trace. #
58461
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