Original subtitles

To the left.

Breathe.

Open your chest.

Again.

Here you go, boss. Thanks.

Hi. I couldn't get a sitter.

It's okay. Go get a mat.

Hi. Hi. Hi. You wanna do yoga?

A thousand dollars for dirt?

Since when does dirt cost a thousand dollars?

"Dirt cheap" is an expression that doesn't apply to a city built on a desert.

Here you go. You sit right there.

Where do you think you're going?

¶¶

- Hello. - He's really doing it.

Who's doing what? Kevin. He's leaving me.

Where are you?

I'm cowering behind a flower pot in my courtyard.

- How do I stop him? - Don't-Don't-Don't stop him. Just let him go, Abbie.

My hands are shaking. Listen, I thought you were supposed to be a yoga teacher.

Just pull yourself up by your chakras and do exactly what I say.

Now, in my opinion, the best defense is a good pretense,

so just pretend you're going out.

Just get all dressed up in your Sunday best and leave.

- And then what? - Rush over to my house and tell me all about it.

Did I come at a bad time? Oh, no. I'm used to it, Kevin.

You always come before I'm ready.

I'll come back for the rest of my stuff later.

No, let's just get this over with.

Holler if you need any help.

It's not gonna work this time.

What's not gonna work? Your fantastic body.

Then you won't mind doing up my dress.

You don't have to stop.

Yes, I do. If I don't, it'll start all over again,

and then it'll end all over again.

Don't you think there's a chance we can still work this out?

Look, it's not you, okay? It's me. I mean, you're... you're great.

You're smart, you're... you're beautiful,

you're a good cook and you are a great lay.

I'm just... I'm just not ready, all right? I'm not there yet.

Well, where's there, Kevin? Commitment-wise, you're way too much for me right now.

Wait a minute. Are you saying if I had less to offer you,

we'd have more of a future together?

Okay. You want the truth? I want to date less complicated women.

- What? - I want to come home, and we go out to dinner...

and people come over and talk to me, and she smiles and she nods, okay?

Then we go home and we do it, and she doesn't instruct me like an air traffic controller.

- I do not instruct you. - And in the morning, she understands...

that she's gotta leave quickly so I can get on with the rest of my day...

and I don't have to think about it, okay?

- That's what I want right now... simplicity. - No, what you want is a bimbo,

and that's exactly what you deserve.

Robert was so right about you. -Do you think I give a shit what that faggot thinks about me?

Wait a minute. Kevin!

- Please don't leave me like this. - Look, I don't love you.

It's over.

¶ Falling in love ¶

¶¶ I am the only one who has seen both.

Oh, yes, yes, yes. Ethel is and always will be...

the definitive Annie,

and that bottle-blonde upstart cannot hold a six-shooter to Merman.

- It's true, true. Okay, so, uh, one heart. - Thank you. Pass.

- Four clubs. - Four diamonds, and I don't mean rhinestones.

Oh, good. Robert's arrived. Now we can settle...

this "Annie Get Your Gun" controversy once and for all.

Robert? Merman or Hutton, who reigns?

I have no idea, you guys. I'm afraid I flunked on gay history.

- Pity, Robbie, pity. - -You silly boys.

Let's move on, shall we? I pass.

Come on. I told you there'd be tears before bedtime.

Another two years down the drain. Listen, Abbie.

You settled for less, you got less.

That's it. That's the end of the story. Full stop.

Now, if I were you... and I practically am...

I'd turn my little red wagon around and I'd get off that dead-end street pronto.

I feel like Kevin was my last chance for a normal life.

Now you're really scaring me. Robert, look at me.

- I'm not 24 anymore. - You're not even 34 anymore. So what?

Maybe I'd like to have a family at some point.

Before it's too late. Abbie, I think you should...

sort things out with your own wacky family...

before you think about creating a dysfunctional carbon copy of your own.

Oh, thank you. I knew you'd understand.

If you want to have a kid, just go ahead and have one. With what man?

You don't need to have a man to have a child. This is the 21st century.

Just go out and buy yourself some nice frozen Ivy League sperm,

swish it around in a test tube and bottoms up.

I don't want to have a baby that way.

Oh. Well, then go to China and buy one.

I want to have a baby with someone I love,

and I'm never gonna meet anybody, and pretty soon...

it's just gonna be another thing I didn't do.

Listen, darling, if this evening's going to turn into a pity party,

I'm going to go up to the house and sing "Annie Get Your Gun" with the others.

Can't I just be sad?

Can't you just humor me?

Oh, all right.

Well, actually, not all right.

I can't commiserate with you, not about breaking up with that asshole Kevin.

It just makes me too angry. Abbie,

you are the most beautiful woman I know.

And I think more highly of you than you do of yourself.

What is it with straight guys in L.A.? There aren't any.

I can't imagine any man letting you slip through his fingers, really.

You're the only woman in the world that I would like to...

be.

Thanks. Ow!

Anyway, let's drink to never having to see that loser again.

Or talk about him. I have to.

Might as well just go to the studio now and get it over with.

Why? Because he still has my house keys.

Are you going to sacrifice your last shred of self-respect for a set of keys?

I think so. That is tragic.

This is how much I care. I'll handle this.

¶¶

This here.

- Turn the hi-hats down. - This is radio all day.

Needs some delay. Good stuff. I hear a single.

Get the bass bumpin' like that, though.

Hit the bass, though. Mmm, mmm.

More bass. Put more bass in.

Make you want to grow a big-ass afro, huh?

Yeah, boy. MTV. Hi, hi.

Stop!

- Robert, what the hell are you doing here? - I haven't come to argue.

I just want the keys. You know what I'm talking about.

- The house keys. - Hand 'em over.

- I don't have your keys. - No more excuses, poopsie.

Poopsie?

I haven't got time for the pain.

- Hey, Kev, look like your bitch need a shave. - Actually, I wax.

- He's not my bitch, okay? - So, what you sayin', you the bitch, Kev?

I'm not anybody's bitch, all right? Abbie put you up to this, didn't she?

Oh, Abbie, Abbie. Is that what you're calling me this month...

to your chocolate-covered peanut gallery?

- Your mama! - This is precisely why I'm leaving him, everyone.

This double life is tearing my roots apart.

Just give me the keys, please, to "Abbie's" house.

- Yeah, give this punk the keys, Kev. - You left a few things at home.

Toothbrush. A toothbrush?

A girl's best friend... knee pads.

- Nair. - Nair! - Aw, Kevin.

Oh, one more thing. You forgot these.

Slut!

You want the keys? Huh?

Get the hell out of here!

Kev, those rubbers wasn't even lubricated, dog.

Oh, look what you made happen, Kev.

You're not gonna even walk him to the car? Oh, that's funny.

Go suck it down, Kev!

Oh!

Come on. Hurry up. Get in the car.

Yes! Hurry up!

Thanks, Mary. You're awful, Muriel.

Drive!

Oh, this is madness!

I'm so glad you guys are here. If it weren't for you,

I'd feel like I was crashing my own boyfriend's funeral.

Who are the pallbearers? Ecch.

A grab bag of Joe's relatives he couldn't relate to.

Wouldn't participate in his life, but they'd drive...

across three states to attend his funeral.

What's he wearing in there? I said his favorite jeans and a T-shirt.

They said, no, a suit. I said fine, that black St. Laurent double-breasted velvet suit.

He loved that suit. I love that suit.

Too loud, they said. A black suit?

Too gay, is what they meant. So now he's in one of his brother's old suits.

- Hugo Boss, I believe. - Death in Boss.

So, the black velvet suit is still around?

Sorry.

I just wish I could have given him what he wanted. Joe wanted to be cremated,

his ashes scattered to the wind in Joshua Tree...

with Don McLean's "American Pie" playing really, really loud on a boom box.

The family said no. Why?

God. Ask her.

Lord God, bless this grave...

and send your angel to watch over it.

Joe did not want all this gothic hocus-pocus. Shh.

I feel like I'm in The Omen.

There's always great sadness when we say good-bye to a loved one,

especially one so beloved as Joseph,

struck down in his prime by pneumonia.

Pneumonia, please.

This is the hardest thing most of us will ever have to face...

to stand at the grave of a loved one.

Lord, welcome our brother to paradise...

and may Your light shine on him.

Amen. Amen.

¶ I can't remember if I cried ¶

Shh. ¶ When I read about his widowed bride ¶

¶ But something touched me deep inside ¶

¶ The day the music died ¶

¶¶

¶ So bye, bye ¶

¶ Miss American Pie ¶

¶ Drove my Chevy to the levee ¶

¶ But the levee was dry ¶

¶ And good old boys were drinking whiskey and rye ¶ Good-bye, Joe.

¶ Singing this'll be the day that I die ¶

¶ This'll be the day that I die ¶

¶ They were singin' ¶

¶ Bye, bye Miss American Pie ¶

¶ Drove my Chevy to the levee ¶

¶ But the levee was dry ¶

¶ Them good ole boys were drinkin' whiskey and rye ¶

¶ Singin' this'll be the day that I die ¶¶

When I die, I don't want to be buried...

and I don't want to be burned.

Just cut me up and stuff me in this freezer...

next to these frozen pizzas for the next hundred years.

Robert?

What?

Hey. Robert.

It's okay.

Please stay with me tonight. Yeah.

Mmm.

¶¶ Just six more spots to fill.

Our fifth finalist, Miss Colombia!

Is Miss Colombia clenching her jaw or what?

She's totally wired on Fen-Phen.

I hope she wins. Do you think they're all really popular and have boyfriends?

Of course. -Our eighth spot, Miss Venezuela!

Look at Miss Venezuela. She looks so... happy.

Are you crazy?

She's got Vaseline on her teeth, her national costume is too tight,

she's been smiling nonstop for the last two years and her shoes are too small.

She reminds me of myself on a date.

Can't imagine ever dating again.

Oh, shut up. Of course you can.

Just think of it as a pageant.

Yeah. Miss Hopeful,

if you were to win tonight's contest,

what would be your first act as Miss Universe?

Well, I would get down on my hands and knees...

and I would promise to change everything about myself to please you.

Mm-mmm. That doesn't work. I've tried it.

I've been down on my hands and knees.

Yes, well, I find that hard not to believe.

Groveling, that is, for love and affection.

Do you still miss him?

Well, I don't miss being first runner-up.

Yeah, I miss him.

He was totally me.

Happy Independence Day. Bottoms up.

¶ Turning the situation 'round a little more ¶

¶ Makin' it look like things are just fine ¶

¶ You can go your way ¶ Ooh, lady.

You need to have your back waxed again.

¶ Touch in a place that makes it a love thing ¶

¶ Straight to the face ¶

¶ One-way love would be a miracle ¶

¶ Touch in a place that makes it a love thing ¶

¶ Straight to the face at any rate ¶

¶ One-way love would be a miracle ¶

¶ One-way love would be a miracle ¶

¶ Dreamily passing by ¶

¶ Words sort of come and go ¶

Come up here.

¶ I don't know what ¶¶

- How long have they been together? - Since the Ice Age.

Hmm? Abbie, don't touch anything.

These people are maniacs about their stuff.

They seem so easygoing.

Don't be fooled by the alcoholic haze they walk around in.

¶¶ Sorry.

You're a total liability.

Flying Down To Rio,

Top Hat, The Gay Divorcee, Swing Time.

Nothing but '30s musicals. They got stuck in the depression.

So did I.

¶ Steppin' out with my baby ¶

¶ I can't go wrong 'Cause I'm in right ¶

¶ It's for sure not for maybe ¶

- ¶ That I'm all dressed up tonight ¶ - This'll sort her out.

Whatever it is you're doing, put it down. Yes.

¶ Never felt quite so sunny ¶

¶ And I keep on knockin' wood ¶

Where are you?

- Tah-dah! - Abbie, you are naughty.

- I couldn't help it. - Ashby's gonna have a coronary.

You've gotta be very careful. Don't worry. I'll put it back.

Whose dress is this? Ashby's.

Ashby's? No.

Ashby, in his day, my darling, was one of the most important designers...

to ever throw a fit.

Happy Fourth.

¶ Steppin' out with my baby ¶

¶ I can't go wrong 'cause I'm in right ¶

¶ It's for sure and not for maybe ¶

¶ That I'm all dressed up tonight ¶

¶ Steppin' out with my honey ¶

¶ Can't be bad to feel so good ¶

¶ I never felt quite so sunny ¶

¶ And I keep on knockin' wood ¶

Whoo!

Whoa!

Ooh Oopsie!

¶ There'll be smooth sailin' 'cause I'm trimmin' my sails ¶

¶ In my top hat and my white tie ¶

¶ And my tails ¶ Oh!

Ow! Whoo! ¶ Oh, steppin' out with my baby ¶

¶ Can't go wrong 'cause I'm in right ¶

¶ Ask me when will the day be ¶ Ohh!

¶ The big day may be tonight ¶¶

Aaah!

Hi.

Hi, um...

Is it my imagination, or...

I know. I wanted to call you and tell you all about it,

but I know you're not at home.

Well, leave a message after the beep and I'll get back to you.

Oh, Christ.

My God, it's half past 1:00!

They'll be back any minute now.

They're probably driving from the airport right now.

Please, don't just lie there. Abbie, do something. Help me get this place together!

What are these shoes doing here?

I can't believe you let this happen. Me?

You make it sound like you were seduced.

I was the one that kept saying "no."

- You weren't saying "no," you were saying "now." - Ridiculous.

Anyway, you started it. You kissed me.

I kiss you every day! We kiss all the time! Every time we see each other, we kiss.

It's friendly. It's European.

I don't think I've been to that country in Europe...

where the natives say hello by sticking their tongue down your throat.

Oh, so you haven't been to Italy recently, have you?

We need to talk, Robert.

We need to get this place sorted out.

Now, will you help me with this couch, now!

Something has happened.

It's not every day of the week that I sleep with my best friend.

Oh, thank God. Look, we were lonely as hell, and we had too much to drink.

Full stop. Now, in half an hour,

two of the most evil queens in Christendom are coming back...

to find their overdecorated show palace has been vandalized...

by the gardener and his plotting, nymphomaniacal best friend!

You're embarrassed, aren't you?

Embarrassed? Embarrassed is the understatement of the year.

- Try catatonic. - Try apoplectic!

Why? Because you knocked over a few lamps?

Or because you knocked over a few lamps with a woman?

Could we please talk this to death a little later?

We can talk this to death a little never. Abbie! Abbie, wait.

- Abbie, please! - I've seen that look so many times before.

- What look? - That shutting-down, turning-off, morning-after look.

You're just like any other guy.

I expected more from you, Robert, being a gay man and all.

Abbie, Abbie, don't...

God, it's good to be home. Christ.

Come on, Ashby. Stop dragging ass. Hold your water.

Hi ho, Robbie! Hi ho.

My God! We've been broken into! Oh, my God!

Look at this place! It's a mess!

Didn't you set the alarm?

You know, David, you're going to have to give this a little water on occasion.

Doesn't perpetual care include sprinkler service?

- That's the spirit, David. - To Joe.

Forever young and beautiful Joe.

He still left the party too early.

So, where's Abbie? I thought she was coming.

Something happened.

- Mmm. - We slept together.

Slept together as in cuddly P.J.s,

or slept together as in shagged her?

Oh, my God!

- You did? When? - About a week and a half ago.

- How was it? Was it hot? - Hot? David, you're talking about Abbie.

- She's like our sister. How could it be hot? - You're the one who nailed her.

- Are you gonna do it again? - No, of course not.

- How can you be so sure? - It's just one of those...

crazy things that happens once and never again.

Anyway, she's not talking to me anymore, nor is she returning my phone calls.

- It's really upsetting me. - You mean you would if she did?

- Would what? - Are you telling us you're straight now?

No. You said you were upset that you couldn't bang her again.

That's not what I said.

Next thing, he'll be combing his hair like Donald Trump.

And subscribing to Victoria's Secret catalogs.

And voting Republican.

Praise be to Lordy, she's been reformed. Shh.

- Call Jerry Falwell. - Shut up.

And don't call me "she." See?

Hi, it's Abbie.

Leave a message.

Abbie, pick up.

Pick up!

Listen, I know we crossed a line and we shot off the main road,

but there's no reason we can't climb up the embankment and get back on track.

We've known each other too long to let this come between us.

I can't do it alone.

Please call me. Hmm?

Sorry. Sorry I'm late. Hi.

I know how you hate that. Anyway, I'm starving. Mm-hmm.

Thanks for waiting. Can I see a menu?

Mmm. What is that?

What? Since when do you eat meat?

I don't.

Oh, my God.

I think I'm gonna be sick.

Well, you're obviously craving iron. You must be getting your period.

Annabel, my period...

When is my period?

How late are you? Third weekend in June.

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve,

thirteen, fourteen... Korean hot springs...

fifteen, sixteen, seventeen, Fourth of July.

I remember that. Did we drive to Matador Beach?

- Mm-hmm. - Did we stop?

Uh-uh.

Oh. Shit.

Just try to remember the last time you felt fat and ugly and suicidal.

What can I get for you?

The nearest drug store.

So, you've come crawling back.

No. I mean, yes.

I have something to tell you.

Is it good news or bad news? Good news, I hope.

Good news. Good news for you or good news for me? For us,

I hope.

Yes. Is it, uh, bigger than a bread box?

Not yet.

God.

Come on, can't you just guess? Just spit it out.

Okay. What's the best thing I could tell you?

Mmm, that you've met a fabulous guy... for me.

Ha. What's the next best thing?

That we could turn back the clock...

and nothing... bad ever happened between us...

and that, well,

that we're best friends again.

Hmm?

I missed you so much.

I'm pregnant with your baby.

Well, you can't be pregnant. We only did it once.

- That's all it takes. - What, eight martinis and you're stuffed?

That's right. Wow. Doesn't take much to crack your egg, does it?

You don't have to make a decision right now,

but I've made up my mind and I'm having this baby.

And you can be involved as much or as little as you like.

Well, I can't very well not be involved.

I mean, it's not like I suddenly can stop knowing you or something, can I?

Can I? Ow.

Come on, Robert. I'm offering you a choice.

You can be the baby's father or you can be the baby's uncle.

I want you to be the father.

We could do this, Robert. I know we could.

What about if I... Please.

Just think about it.

Here, Dad! Catch this! Catch!

Hey, look at you.

Let's give you a little wipey-wipe, huh?

Ohh.

I'm just saying, if you stuck to gin and tonic, it wouldn't stain.

There he is! I cannot abide gin and tonic, and you know it!

Oh, it's him.

Oh, darling. Ohh.

What happened? Oh, nothing. Daddy had a little accident.

It was the air waitress that had the accident. I just happened to be...

conveniently located under her. Six hours of hell. How are you?

I'm fine. You look a little thin.

- I'm not thin. Come on, let's go. - Thank you for shaving.

I did shave. You shaved. You look gorgeous.

Hey, get off there!

How's the gardening work? Fine, thanks.

Darling, you're miles away.

I've got stuff on my mind. I'm sorry. How's your friend Abbie?

She's fine. How's her love life?

Well, as a matter of fact, she's, uh, pregnant.

Didn't know. When did she get married? She didn't.

Who's the father? Actually, it's, uh, me.

Abbie is pregnant with my child and your grandchild.

Is she? Really?

You mean it was all a joke? What?

- You're not really queer? - Lower your voice to a shriek. Of course I'm queer.

It's just I'm having a baby as well. I'm confused.

Well, I'm not. You're going to make a laughingstock of the family.

A child needs a role model, someone to look up to. Well, I'll wear heels.

If you were younger, I'd take you over my knee...

and thrash the living daylights out of you.

I think you mean if you were younger, Dad.

I'm getting a taxi. I'll see you at the hotel.

Oh, God, he's a bore, isn't he?

Thank goodness you're here.

I just don't know if I can do it all.

Well, no one's ever ready for a baby, but I'll tell you one thing.

Having a child is the best thing in the world.

It stops you from worrying about yourself.

There's something more important than you in the world,

and that's such a relief in the end.

I don't know. It just seems like such a huge responsibility to take on overnight.

It's an opportunity that's come up and won't come up again.

I can't tell you to do it, but I can tell you,

think very carefully before you don't do it.

Having you was the best thing that ever happened to me.

- Oh, Mom. - Even though you're an enormous disappointment in many ways.

Mom. Well, you have.

But you're you. I adore you.

Darling, careful.

Abbie.

I'll do it.

I want to be the father of our baby.

Are you sure? Yes.

I don't want to do it halfway. I want to do it all the way or not at all.

I don't want to be...

some gay uncle who lives on the other side of the tracks...

with his roommate Bruce...

who no one's supposed to talk to.

I want to be the baby's father, forever and always.

One more thing.

I can't be your husband.

You just have to be a father... and a friend.

You what? Robert Robert?

- Gay Robert Robert? - He just goes by "Robert" now.

You are outrageous. I would not kick him out of bed.

Definitely falls into the "what a waste" category. Totally.

So, what was it like? Did he rise to the occasion?

Obviously he did. Hey, can we move past the sex part...

and get onto the now part?

I'm having a baby. Abbie, that is so great.

It's tough being a single parent, Abbie. I'm not gonna be a single parent.

Robert's moving in with me and we're gonna raise the baby together.

- Are you sure you know what you're doing? - Look, Robert is...

the most incredible man I've ever met.

- Right. - And he's hung in there when my boyfriends haven't.

That's true. And we're always gonna love each other...

and be in each others' lives,

and we're never getting married, so we can't get divorced.

You know, there's a certain crazy logic to this.

And Robert will do everything a husband will do. Exactly.

- Include not sleep with you. - Yes, but I won't be bitter and resentful about it.

At least the kid will be gorgeous. No doubt.

- Will he be gay? - Kelly!

- What? - Come on.

My God. Will your kids be stupid?

Good to have you here, David. Make yourself at home.

Anything you need, just let us know.

Okay. Thanks.

I feel like such an asshole. Why?

Because if Joe's parents hadn't kicked me out and I didn't need this place,

I wouldn't be helping you move out, I'd be making a stand.

Against what? Against this insane decision that you're making, Robert.

This is ridiculous. You're gonna be miserable.

Have you thought about all the details, like... your sex life?

Are you gonna even have one? Listen, if I were straight and I turned gay, you'd be thrilled.

But the fact that I'm having a baby with a woman,

that's blowing your mind, David.

That's such a double standard. So your biological time clock is ticking, that's it.

No, that is not it. Yeah.

Actually, you know what? I'm just bored of it all.

I'm bored of the parties, I'm bored of the drugs,

I'm bored of the body obsession.

I'm not in a relationship. I don't see one coming. And it happened.

It's not a sacrifice, you know, it's an opportunity.

I do love Abbie. I trust her.

And here comes a baby that's going to be part of our lives forever.

And what happens when you do meet Mr. Right?

I'll cross that bridge when I get to it.

You'll burn that bridge when you get to it.

¶ To stay ¶

¶ You come to me ¶ ¶ Come to me ¶

¶ Come back to me ¶ Rather you than me.

¶¶ Let me see.

Oh, don't show me anymore.

It just kicked.

Eee!

Come on, you guys.

Attention, attention, attention.

First of all, I would really like to welcome...

all of you to our home on this very, very special occasion.

You know, some people, and I know I have been one of them,

have suggested that this was an unexpected move on both your parts.

Personally, I thought it was deranged.

It's just that you see all of these young couples...

sporting around town in their suburban assault vehicles,

a Frappucino in one hand, a rug rat and a wet diaper in the other.

There but for the grace of God...

And who needs sleep anyway?

And you can kiss your upholstery good-bye.

- Thanks a lot, Annabel. - And the world out there...

does not always support families that are different.

But as I look at the two of you now,

two of the most generous, attractive...

And cattiest monsters we know.

And I see all of this love and warmth and joy,

and, uh...

I think Abbie has something she'd like to say.

Give me every drug you've got!

- Here's Sam dressed as Krishna. - Little gender bender.

He didn't really go for the jewelry.

- Aww. - Look at him.

Look at the two studs.

- Yeah. - Hey, Happy New Year.

Hi, you guys! Are you having fun? Hello, ladies.

Happy New Year. Happy New Year.

Happy New Year. Did you say Happy New Year?

- Happy New Year! - - Happy New Year!

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year!

Hands above your head.

Look at your thumbs.

Hands to your chest.

- Namaste. - Namaste.

Sam, why aren't you at your own party?

Dad, am I stupid?

No. Who told you that?

Jamie Rappaport.

He said yoga was stupid and I was stupid...

and he's taking back my Christmas present.

That's horrible. You know what I do when people call me stupid?

I just put up a window. Get in the car, do up the seat belt...

and I roll up the window and I say "window."

I can see you but I can't hear you.

Okay, we'll give it a test. Call me a stupid jerk. Go on.

You're a stupid jerk. Window!

I can see you, but I can't hear you.

- I'm gonna call you something. - You are...

the worst Nintendo player on the planet!

Window. Doesn't bother me a bit.

I love you, Sam.

I can't hear you. Love you, Sam!

Window.

- Who's that really cute guy? - That's Robert's cardiologist.

Oh, my God. Does Robert have a problem with his heart?

Kelly!

- Darling! - Mum!

Don't do that.

I was getting worried about you. Well, I, um,

I brought a surprise.

- Hi, Dad. - Hello.

Is that a cricket bat in your hand or are you just pleased to see me?

- What? - I'm only kidding.

None of that, darling. If you knew what I went through to get him here.

I've gone gray overnight.

Podgy! Podgy, darling! Sam!

Hey, Grandma! Come on!

Hello, darling.

Listen, do you remember that gloomy old grandpa I told you about...

Yeah. Who only came out at night?

Well, he's here!

Smelling salts! Smelling salts!

- He loves to faint. - Grandma, why aren't you fainting with me?

Take my "G" and "T."

Here, come on, Grandpa. You fake too. Come on.

A bit more enthusiasm. Gestures are better, darling.

Little... Yeah, that's it. Go on, give him a hug and a kiss.

There we are. Go on.

There you are. Careful of his tummy. Careful.

Yes, thank you. Ohh.

Robert, comin' over later?

I'll try.

Bye-bye. See you next Thursday.

I hope so.

- So, who lives in this room? - My dad.

How come? Was he bad?

Well, then why doesn't he sleep in the same room as your mom?

He's supposed to. Or he could sleep in a different house, like my dad.

- Huh? - - He doesn't sleep with his mother...

because Sam's dad is a fag.

- A what? - Faggot.

You're supposed to say "same-sex partner."

I know what a faggot is. That's what my dad...

calls someone who cuts him off in traffic.

I don't want to go to bed. Too bad.

Window. Double window.

Now, mister.

Why don't you sleep in Mommy's room? What?

Don't you love her?

Of course I love her. You know why I don't sleep with her?

'Cause she snores. She snores like a great big helicopter taking off.

That's why I sleep in my own room. Any other questions, Mr. Detective?

Can I have a brother for my birthday?

You have to ask Mommy. Okay.

Okay?

Good night. Sleep well.

Your son's starting to ask a lot of questions.

- He knows too much. We must get rid of him. - Seriously, Robert.

It's only the beginning of a lot more questions like that,

and we have to figure out what we're gonna say.

We will figure it out. Can't it wait till tomorrow? I'm going out.

Is seeing the cardiologist right now more important than your son?

My son is more important than breakfast, lunch, tea and dinner.

Doesn't mean I still don't have to eat sometime. You should be doing the same thing.

- I eat. - Men call you. Go out with one of them.

Keeps your hinges from rusting.

Contrary to what you might think, I'm not a queen trapped in a woman's body.

Really?

You think everyone wants to have sex.

I don't want to have sex. I'm over it.

I'm perfectly happy right here in my own backyard.

- Really? - And I'm not gonna feel guilty 'cause you feel guilty...

'cause you're going out and having fun and I'm... Not.

You're not just a mother, Abbie, you're a beautiful woman.

Don't sell yourself short.

Bye.

¶¶

1989,

1999.

1989,

1999.

Dear God, wherever You are,

could You please hook me up?

Just sleep, for God's sakes. I can't.

Being with you is like being with a hologram.

You're there, but you're not there.

I'm sorry. Just got stuff on my mind.

Sam's starting a new school next week, and I feel like it's me going.

I'm so nervous. Can't think of anything else.

Isn't that weird? No.

It's frustrating. Sometimes I feel like...

you don't care about anything else.

Damn.

I have to go to the hospital.

I like you a lot, Robert.

I like you too, O doctor of the heart.

But it's never gonna work.

'Cause I want more, and with you it's like crashing into a brick wall.

You don't give a damn inch. 'Cause I don't want to get serious. I told you.

Sam is everything to me. I haven't got time for anything else right now.

I told you this from day one. I know. Calm down.

It's just getting repetitive.

Maybe we should just move on then.

I gotta go. Uh...

Stay, don't stay.

Love you,

hate you.

¶ I know that you're in love with him ¶

¶ 'Cause I saw you dancin' in the gym ¶

¶ You both kicked off your shoes ¶

¶ Man, I dig those rhythm and blues ¶

¶¶

Not on the b... What's going on in here?

Barbarian. Daddy, get Mommy a cup of coffee.

- Please? - Please, Daddy?

Yes, Mommy dearest.

Give me a kiss, Sam.

Did you sleep good? Yeah.

You're too kind.

Daddy? Hmm?

Are you a faggot?

- What? - And yesterday he was only five.

Sam, where did you learn a word like that?

- Kyle told it to me. - Did Kyle tell you what it means?

- Yeah. - Well, what is it?

It's when two boys kiss and they go to the opera.

Oh. Well...

Yes and no, but, you know,

the point here, Sam, is that the word "faggot"...

is a mean word that mean people use...

when they don't want to accept people who are different from them.

Right. And we are not meanie buckets in this house, are we?

- No. - Right.

Major Lady to Major Dad!

Ground Control to Major Lady. Come in please, Major Lady. Come in please.

I'm on your tail.

I'm going to shoot now.

Major Lady to Major Dad! Major Lady, you're being tailed.

"Back and forth across the pasture with the tractor.

"Finally it was so close that Abigail popped into the burrow...

and scurried down to her baby's nest." Read it the other way.

All right, this way.

Hmm.

"Miss Demeanor had a new set of long, shiny black fingernails,

"and she was picking an enormous, giant-sized...

"purple booger from her left nostril.

"'Hmm, that looks like dinner for a family of five, ' said Princess Tinyfuse...

"as she got out her kitchen knife and cut it...

into small slices and put it into a frying pan."

Hey, little man.

Sign in here, take your shoes off...

and help yourself to some herbal tea.

Does this place have StairMasters or treadmills?

This is a yoga center. Yoga classes only.

Oh, so no free weights? You should do yoga.

It reduces your stress. Oh, yeah?

Where'd you get this guy. He's my son,

and he was doing yoga before he was born.

Yeah. It's easy. I don't know, see,

'cause I'm more of the "half an hour free weights, little bit of steam" kind of guy.

- I'm not really the yoga type. - Chicken.

Sam, honey, go easy on the hard sell.

This guy obviously wants to feel the burn.

There's a gym for, uh, mere athletes...

All right, now, hold on. Wait a minute. Half a mile that way.

I've got an open mind. I mean, I don't know if I can do the splits, but...

I'm teachin' a class in ten minutes.

I promise to go easy on you.

Hands together in prayer position, feet together.

- Namaste. - Namaste.

- Namaste. - ¶ Om ¶

¶ Om ¶

¶ Om ¶¶

Inhale, look up, gazing at your fingertips.

Exhale, palms to the floor.

Inhale, look up.

Exhale, jump back to Chaturanga position.

Keep your elbows close to your side, pointing your toes, shoulders back.

Exhale, push back into down dog.

- Sink your heels into the floor, gazing at your navel. - Psst!

- How am I doing? - You're doing good.

Just remember, it's a process. You don't have to be perfect.

Sink your heels into the floor,

gazing at your navel.

Don't forget to breathe.

Was that good? That's very good.

You don't have to overdo it the first class.

I'm not overdoing it. It's a piece of cake.

Inhale, look up, jump forward.

Inhale, stand up, arms up over your head. Whoa.

- I stood up too fast. - Mm-hmm.

Right hand grabs the right big toe.

Extend the right leg. Inhale, look up.

Exhale, bring your nose to your knee.

Breathe.

Straighten your standing leg.

- I'm tryin'. - Breathe.

I'm breathin', kid. I am breathing.

Exhale, open the leg to the side,

gazing to the left.

Oh! Sorry, pal.

...It's all levels... beginners through advanced.

See you on Monday. Okay.

You okay? Check with me tomorrow.

Beginners are Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays at 10:00,

Tuesdays and Thursdays at 11:00 and Sundays at 9:00.

How about tonight at 8:00? Excuse me?

Let's have dinner.

Are you asking me out on a date?

Yeah. Is that all right?

Hold on a second.

How do you know I'm not married or something? Well, are you?

No, but I still don't know you.

I don't know you either, but that's sort of the point of the date.

You do eat, right? It's just dinner.

Yeah, I eat. I just haven't been dating much recently.

Okay, so we'll eat, have some light conversation, a few awkward silences,

wine optional, but definitely no dating.

No dating.

So how does that sound? That sounds manageable.

We're home.

Hey! Hey. Dad, we finally made it.

Hi. Sorry I'm late. Traffic was insane.

It's not quite burned, luckily.

Do you mind if I don't stay for dinner tonight? But it's roast beef night.

Yuck. You're supposed to say roast "beast."

Listen, tell Kelly to get rid of that guy.

Tell her to lose the loser. I'm not having dinner with Kelly.

Sam, honey, go upstairs and wash your hands. And your face.

I have a date. What?

I have a date. No.

Yes. Who with?

Ben Cooper. Investment banker. New York.

- Whoo-whoo-whoo! - Whoo-whoo-whoo! What's he doing in L.A.?

I don't know. He's working on some kind of takeover.

Takeover? I don't like the sound of that. Is he attractive?

Mmm. He's so our type.

Which our type? Big hands. Mmm.

Mmm. Does he know about moi?

Well... We didn't really get around to frivolous details.

What's he going to say when he arrives?

What am I supposed to be? Andre, the zany butler?

- Just be yourself. - Which me?

English me, cold, frosty me, frivolous me?

- How about "nice me"? - At your own risk be it.

Don't screw this up for me. Get out of the kitchen. I can't concentrate.

- Meanie bucket. - I'll be up in five minutes to discuss wardrobe.

Yes, Your Majesty.

I see you in a plunging neckline.

No point in hiding your life under your bushel.

¶¶ [ Woman Singing, Indistinct.

Hi, uh, this Abbie Reynolds' house?

Come in. I'm sorry.

I've always been longing to do that. Come in. Robert.

Abbie is putting on her face.

Well, at least one of them.

She tells me you're into takeovers.

What I'm doing right now is actually closer to a merger.

Drink? No, thanks.

Sit. All right.

I take sick companies and I make them well.

I'm out here right now, uh...

I'm working with a Fortune 500 company that has fallen on hard times.

I've come to try to resuscitate the...

I'm sorry. I'm rambling.

No, it's really interesting. It's just also really long.

Do you mind if I take a Nelly break and put on a record?

Uh, no.

Good.

Frank or Judy? Pardon?

- Frank or Judy? - Uh, Frank, I guess.

I'm afraid Frank's feeling a little shy tonight, but Judy's itching to go.

I think you can tell a lot by a man's musical preference. I guess so.

I once met a truck driver who loved Carly Simon. It was downhill from then on.

¶¶

¶ Clang, clang, clang went the trolly ¶

¶ Ding, ding, ding went the bell ¶

¶ Zing, zing, zing went my heartstrings ¶

¶ From the moment I saw him I fell ¶ God, I love Judy Garland.

¶¶ Excuse me, but, uh,

you gay or... are you just acting gay?

Good question. Are you interested or are you just acting interested?

- Interested in what? - Abbie, of course.

She's a very delicate flower, you know.

- I'm sorry. Who are you? - I'm Sam's father.

Oh. Oh.

I'm sorry. I guess I came at a bad time. You're here to pick up your son?

No, I live here.

Hey, Sammie. Hey, little man.

How are you? "Sammie"?

Here, Sam.

Hi.

Hi. I'm ready, finally.

Wow, you look great. You look great.

- Great. - I was just talking to your ex-husband.

- We're not divorced. - We're not even married.

Okay, I'm lost. I'll tell you at dinner.

Bye. Bye, Sam.

Don't stay up too late. Nice to meet you, Robert.

Nice to meet you. Take care. Bye.

Keep in touch. I'll tuck little Sammie in for both of us.

Now, Sam, turn this book upside down,

and let's enter the world of Princess Tinyfuse.

Now...

No dating. Oh. Right.

Hello, 8:00 reservation. The name is Cooper.

Well, it's, um, going to be quite a wait.

You can have a drink at the bar if you like,

and I'll have a table for you in, oh, two hours.

Two hours? Oh, Mr. Ross. So good to see you again.

Nice to be back. We'll have table 14 for Mr. Ross tonight.

Of course. S'il vous plait.

So much for trying to impress you. I'm gonna have a little fun.

Humor me. Excuse me.

Would it make a difference if I told you that Harrison Ford is in our party?

I'll be right back.

Harrison Ford?

Mr. Cooper? Yes.

- So nice to see you again. - And you.

Would you follow me?

Thank you.

Enjoy your dinner. Thank you.

Okay, here's a toast to discovering muscles in your body you never knew existed.

And finding new ones. Hmm.

So what does an investment banker do for fun?

Well, of course, I'm passionate about yoga,

rock climbing, racquetball...

Racquetball? Really, I'm just a workaholic.

Do you have any pets? No pets, but I got a couple of dead plants in New York.

Favorite color. All shades of pink.

Well, you're perfectly presentable.

I assume successful.

Good sense of humor. Thank you.

So, why are you... What? Why am I unattached?

Yeah. Exactly. What's wrong with you?

Wondering the same thing myself. You... see anything obvious?

You do have a piece of spinach in your teeth. Do I?

Mm-hmm. Just kidding. That's good.

I don't know. I guess I never met the right woman.

Or maybe I met her, but I wasn't the right man at the right time.

Anyway, that's my excuse. What's yours?

I decided to have a child instead of a husband.

Couldn't you have both? Theoretically, I could have both.

But if I waited around long enough for the right man,

I might not have had the right child.

So does Robert help out? Is he a good father?

He's the greatest.

I hope you don't mind me asking, but... were you two ever together?

Once, a very long time ago...

for about a half an hour. Hmm.

Hmm. We're best friends.

No, we're closer than that.

Robert's my family.

Thank you very much, sir. Thank you very much, sir.

Enjoying yourself, Mr. Cooper?

Dinner was superb. You clearly live up to your reputation.

But you, it seems, do not.

I hope you enjoyed you little joke on me and this restaurant.

- What joke? - You said Harrison Ford was in your party.

No. What I said was "would it make a difference...

if I told you Harrison Ford was in our party?"

Clearly it did.

Bonsoir.

Um, I guess I'd better go. Oh. Okay.

I'd ask you in, but, uh... It's a long story.

Anyway, I had fun. Me too.

Will I see you again?

I think you're gonna see so much of me you're gonna get sick of me.

Yeah. Listen,

I know this is... not really a date,

but... I'm afraid I'm gonna have to kiss you anyway.

Oh. All right.

Oh.

Wow. I can't believe how good this is.

I just have to tell you one more thing.

- How was dinner? - Well, I think I've just had...

possibly one of the best dates I've ever had.

Congratulations. Ever.

Double congratulations. And you know what?

- What? - You're such a jerk.

- What are you talking about? - You were so rude to Ben.

- I was my usual charming self. - You practically slammed the door in his face.

- I did not! - Wait a second. You did slam the door in his face.

Abbie, that was a joke. I saw it in a play. It brought the house down. Sorry.

Ha-ha.

Are we a little tipsy?

Ben ordered the most delicious wine in the universe.

You're jealous. Right.

Why didn't I see it before? You're jealous that I went out on a date.

How could I be jealous? I'm the one that encouraged you to go out in the first place.

What's so hilarious?

Oh, nothing. It was just something Ben said at dinner.

Sorry. You had to be there.

He's very perceptive, you know.

Hmpf. Perceptive about me, I expect.

Me, me, me, me, me. Funnily enough,

you were hardly mentioned all evening,

other than discussing the fact that I was turkey-basted by my gay best friend.

- You were not turkey-basted. - Oh. Right.

- Did Sammie get to bed okay? - What's all this "Sammie" business?

His name is Sam. He's not Sammie. He's not Sammy Davis, Jr.

He's not the Rat Pack. He's just Sam.

Hmm. Well, I don't know what's wrong with you, but I'm going to bed.

¶ We were singing Bye, bye, Miss American Pie ¶

¶ Drove my Chevy to the levee but the levee was dry ¶

¶ Them good old boys were drinkin' whisky and rye ¶

Hey, Sammie, you wanna go in the water? Yeah!

¶¶

Hey, Dad, can I go in the water now?

- Sure. - Can I take him in?

Okay.

¶ The birds flew off with a fallout shelter ¶

¶ He was singing Bye, bye Miss American Pie ¶- Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, is right.

¶ But the levee was dry ¶

¶ Them good ole boys were drinkin' whiskey and rye ¶

¶ Singin' this will be the day that I die ¶

¶ This will be the day that I die ¶

¶ They were singin' ¶

¶ Bye, bye, Miss American Pie ¶

¶ Drove my Chevy to the levee but the levee was dry ¶

¶ Them good ole boys were drinkin' whiskey and rye ¶

¶ Singin' this'll be the day that I die ¶¶

It's freezing.

Hey, Big Wheel.

Hi, Dad. How are you?

Your shoelace is undone.

I can do it. What?

- When did you learn how to do that? - Ben teached me.

Oh. What else did Ben "teached" you?

Crazy.

Ben? Hmm?

What's wrong with you? Why is something wrong?

You haven't said a word to me for ages.

- See what I mean? - Abbie, uh...

- We need to talk. - "Talk." I don't like the sound of that.

We're talking now, right?

Yeah.

Oh, God, Ben, don't do this to me.

Yeah, this is kinda hard for me too.

Hard for you? What about me?

You know what? Don't even tell me. I already know what you're gonna say.

How do you know what I'm gonna say? Because I do.

How many words?

- Five. - Five. I knew it.

"It's not you, it's me."

Couldn't you have been just a little more original? Like, um,

"I need to concentrate on my work."

Or better yet, how about, "I'm getting back together with my ex-girlfriend."

- No, Abbie, come here, baby. - I don't even know why I wasted my time on you.

What are you, nuts? Come here. Listen to me.

Listen. Why?

I'm... in... love... with... you.

I'm in love with you.

Hey, little man.

You go first.

Dad. Um-hmm?

Can I watch cartoons?

What time is it? The little hand is on the eight.

No, the seven.

Sam.

Just watch cartoons in an hour. Go back to sleep for a while.

Okay.

Is Ben my daddy now?

What?

Okay, well, let's get one thing straight! Please, Robert.

- I can't believe this. What were you thinking? - Calm down.

Sam sees a stranger in his bedroom in the morning. You probably traumatized him.

Ben is hardly a strange man. I thought I was gonna be gone by the time he woke up.

Sam is confused by him, and you're not helping matters.

What exactly do you think is going on between us?

I don't care. I just don't want it to go on here.

We're getting married.

What?

We've been trying to figure out a way to tell you.

Well, let me give you one little, tiny hint.

Letting Sam discover you in bed with him is not what I'd call the subtle approach.

We didn't plan it this way. Now you know, so let's talk about it.

I've only had five seconds to think about it.

You're the ones that have had the luxury of mulling this over. What do you think about it?

I don't know. Well, that's a fine place to start.

Look, Robert, I just want us all to get along.

I'm not here to usurp your position. I think you're a great dad.

- That's mighty big of you, Ben. - Stop it, Robert!

The last thing we wanna do is hurt you.

- What's all this "we" all of a sudden? - We need to work this out.

Together. Let me tell you one thing.

Sam has one father.

There is only one daddy in this family and that is me! I'm the daddy!

Absolutely. You're the mummy, and Ben-

Ben is just Ben.

When it comes to any decisions involving Sam,

I get a say and Abbie gets a say.

If Sam wants ice cream and I say no, I don't wanna hear that you two said yes.

I don't wanna be outvoted. This is not a democracy.

And one more thing. He's not moving in here.

By the way,

congratulations.

Attention, shoppers. At the meat counter,

Le Grand Balu, your big salami, 89 cents an inch.

Mom? Mm-hmm.

Why is Ben making dinner tonight? We're supposed to have roast beast on Thursdays.

Because Ben's making something special for dinner tonight.

It's a cross between a noodle and a dumpling, only lighter.

It's German. Sounds potentially hazardous and... utterly delicious.

So, uh, have you requested a transfer from your New York office yet?

Yeah, I did. How'd they take it?

Well, it's a little complicated, actually.

They offered me a partnership. Hey, congratulations.

Out here? Well, no. It'd be back east.

So what did you tell them?

So what did you tell them, Ben?

I told them I'd have to think about it.

You two aren't going to try that long distance thing, are you? That never works.

If I don't accept their offer, I'll have to leave the firm.

I've been with them for 15 years, Robert.

Immediate cleanup, aisle three. Aisle three cleanup, please.

Daddy will always be your father, and Ben will be your stepfather.

Like in Cinderella? Kind of.

Except that Ben is really nice.

We're all gonna live happily... What are you saying?

Your career is more important than my career? Let me tell you one thing, Ben.

Moving to New York is not an option.

What am I gonna do? Sell pretzels from a pushcart?

Robert, don't get upset. It just happened.

We haven't figured everything out yet. I didn't say I was gonna do it.

- But you didn't say you weren't. - Can we please take this outside?

Christ. Sam, come on. Help me unload.

- Will you move it along? - Robert!

Move!

I'll tell you one thing. You're not taking Sam.

Take me where, Daddy? The cement capital of the United States, Sam.

- I don't want to go to the cement capital. - Robert!

- You're telling me. - Robert, that's it!

You want to talk about this right now? Huh?

You've got some incredible, burning need? Fine.

But we are not gonna do it in front of Sam. Come on.

See what you did? You upset Sam. What are you talking about?

This is your fault. Everything was fine till you came along!

Everything was not fine! No one's trying to take anything away from you.

We just want to figure out what makes sense. Me and Sam have our home here.

We have our lives here. If you're so unhappy...

I've never been happier! You're the one that's unhappy.

No, we made an arrangement to put this kid first, come what may!

- You just want to throw it all away on a whim! - Ben is not a whim!

Oh, yeah? -Hasn't it occurred to you that we could work something out?

- Come on, Sam. Let's go. - What do you think you're doing?

- We're gonna walk home. - You're not walking.

It's only six blocks. I just can't be with you guys right now.

Sammie, come back here. Robert!

We're gonna race you home, Mommy!

- Good, perfect. - Sammie!

Come on! Faster, faster, faster!

I hate childproof caps.

I told you, Robert. I told you at the very beginning.

You should have insisted upon getting married, then you would have rights.

Look what happened to me. I have rights now.

They're not going anywhere. Full stop. The end.

You need to talk to an attorney. Just a consultation.

Couple hundred bucks. Know where you stand. I know where I stand, David.

Trust me. I'm not gonna see an attorney. I'll bet she is.

Stupid pills. I can't even tell if they're working.

So stop taking them, and if you die, you know they worked.

Yeah, better safe than sorry, you mean.

Better safe than sorry.

Go talk to a lawyer.

Abbie?

Abbie?

Those are good arguments, Robert.

You're the biological father, and, obviously, you're a caring person.

You've been involved. We've got a decent chance at joint custody.

And if we can get that, we'll be able to keep her from leaving the state with Sam.

The fact that you're gay isn't gonna help us.

And if this goes to court, we better hope for a sympathetic judge.

And I can tell you right now, there aren't many of them.

Uh, are there any grounds on which you can demonstrate...

that Ms. Reynolds is a bad mother?

- No. - Can she and Mr. Cooper provide a roof over Sam's head?

- Um-hmm. - Does she have a drinking problem?

- No. - Drug problem?

- No. - Is she a smoker?

Smoking's grounds for custody?

There's a case in Massachusetts testing the waters. You never know.

No, I, uh, made her give up ten years ago. Idiot!

All righty, let's see. Uh...

- Is she promiscuous? - No.

- Abusive? - Uh-uh.

- Mentally unstable? - No.

Emotionally unstable?

Well, not until now.

Hey, why are you awake?

I was thinking about Daddy.

Yeah? What were you thinking?

You know when I get a stomachache and you make me tea and toast?

Yeah? Well,

if Dad gets a stomach ache, who's gonna make him tea and toast?

When Daddy gets sick, or when I get sick,

we make our own tea and toast because we're grown-ups.

It's not the same. No, I know.

It isn't the same. But Daddy's fine.

He doesn't have a stomachache.

I'm afraid that... Daddy doesn't know that I love him.

Oh, honey, Daddy knows you love him.

If you like, you can call him in the morning, and you can tell him.

Would you like that? Yeah.

Can I sleep with you a little while?

Yeah. Okay.

I love you, Mommy. What, baby?

I love you, Mommy.

But I love Daddy too.

I know.

Can I come in?

- I got the summons. - Well, I assumed you already had a toaster.

Please don't go through with this.

- You gave me no choice. - You scared me.

Why? What did you think I was gonna do?

Something crazy? Like kidnap Sam before you did?

I had to. The situation was just becoming too unhealthy for him.

Unhealthy for Sam or inconvenient for you and Ben?

You know what Ben means to me.

- Why can't you just give me this chance? - Why? Why should I?

Because you love me.

I love Sam. Why can't we just find a solution?

You do what you want. Just bring Sam back or the courts will.

No, they won't. That's not what my lawyer says. She says I have a good chance.

I have legal rights. Robert, no.

Yes! Robert.

Robert, you're not Sam's father.

What are you talking about?

I'm saying you're not his biological father. My God.

You'll say anything to get your own way, won't you? You don't know...

how much I wish it wasn't true.

You didn't sleep with anybody else. I would've known.

You didn't open a can of tuna without giving me a 20 minute field report.

Liar.

- You're a fucking liar! - No!

Remember when Sam had his tonsils out? They did a blood test.

He's B-positive and we're both "O."

You've known about this for three years, and you didn't tell me?

I couldn't. I didn't know how to.

That means...

right from the very beginning you always knew there was a chance...

Oh, my God. I can't even remember his name.

I never believed that it was Kevin's.

Kevin. And, besides,

I wanted the father to be the most wonderful man that I knew.

I didn't want to hurt you.

You betrayed me!

I was thinking it didn't matter anyway.

Why? Because you're his father in every way that really counts.

The blood is irrelevant.

It's not so irrelevant now, is it?

It doesn't change a damn thing.

I'm sorry, Robert, but legally it does.

And if you take me to court, then this is going with me.

For Sam's sake, please don't take it this far. So what are you offering me?

Three weeks in the summer?

A photograph to put on my refrigerator door?

You owe me more than that.

I don't owe you the rest of my life.

What about Sam's life?

What about my life?

Okay. So Sam has a biological father who doesn't know anything about him.

Chances are pretty good he doesn't want to know.

We could argue some sort of malicious intent on her part...

to conceal that information, and, uh, it would probably hurt her.

On the other hand, I don't see how it can possibly help you.

The courts always try to link parental rights to biology,

except in cases where the child's life is in extreme danger.

I don't know what to tell you, Robert.

You don't have a case.

But six years, it's got to count for something. We can still go to court, right?

Anybody can go to court. But if you want my advice...

I won't give up Sam.

Then take Abbie up on her offer to compromise.

Maybe we can work something out privately,

before this gets any uglier or more expensive.

It doesn't matter. She's got to acknowledge my rights as a father.

Robert, do you understand that a case like this can break you?

And in the end, you probably won't have Sam.

I'll just be a minute.

Your mother says your lawyer told you to drop the case.

Well, you know lawyers. Always out to save you a buck.

Can't say that any of this surprises me. Don't start on me now, Dad.

I know I should never have stuck my toes in the gene pool in the first place.

If you've come to say "I told you so," say it, and let's get on to something else.

You're going to need a little help if you're going to get my grandson back.

He's not your grandson. Well, he's the closest I'll ever see.

Now that's not a gift.

Perhaps you can come and fix up our garden sometime.

Thanks, Dad.

Get your boy back. He needs you.

Robert. They're ready for us.

Don't look over there. You'll just get upset.

I've gone over your preliminary statements.

Ms. Reynolds, you and Mr. Cooper are presently not married. Is that right?

Yes, Your Honor. But we're engaged.

It's a very short engagement. Later this summer, we...

The child's natural father. He has no interest here?

- No. - Mr. Whittaker, you're requesting joint custody.

Yes, Your Honor. What makes you think you're entitled to that?

Well, I've been Sam's father since... Objection, Your Honor.

Since Mr. Whittaker has neither legal nor biological paternity here,

it is completely inappropriate for him to refer to himself as the father.

Perhaps he could use the term... caregiver.

"Caregiver"? Your Honor, my client has been...

living with Ms. Reynolds since the child was born.

He's performed all the daily functions of a father.

Sam acknowledges him as his father.

For the sake of clarity, I think it's best...

that Mr. Whittaker be referred to as caregiver in these proceedings.

Thank you, Your Honor.

Mr. Whittaker, did you live for five years with a certain Eric Walker?

- Yes. - And what was the nature of that relationship?

- Objection, Your Honor! - Overruled.

We were together. Is this the same Eric Walker...

that's now serving a five-year prison sentence for drug possession?

Yes, but I haven't seen him for seven years. This has nothing to do with anything.

Mr. Whittaker, on October 8 of last year,

did you go to a nightclub in Santa Monica called...

Sit and Spin?

I don't remember.

- Sit and Spin's a gay club, isn't it? - I hadn't noticed. Probably.

Did you notice drug use going on? No.

Mr. Whittaker, is it true that you're an active member...

in several militant gay organizations?

I used to help distribute food to AIDS patients. I hardly call that militant.

- Does Sam understand that you're gay? - No, not really.

Have you ever tried to explain to him your sexual proclivities?

No, he's a six-year-old boy.

Wait. He once asked me why I didn't sleep with his mother.

And what did you tell him? She snores.

Mr. Whittaker,

has Sam ever seen you have oral sex with another man?

- What? - Stop it! - Objection, Your Honor!

I said stop it!

Counsel, I suggest you confer with your client.

Do you wanna win here, Abbie? You said he didn't have a chance.

You don't have to kick the shit out of him. Your Honor,

this hearing is not about my client's sexual history.

No, it's about his character, and whether he has the type of character...

that would lead anyone to trust him with shared custody of a young boy.

Your Honor, you wanna know about my character?

I'll tell you. I am an active father...

Caregiver, please. Father!

I am a father to a boy...

who I love to death.

I've been living with a woman who until recently was my best friend in the whole world.

I'm also a homosexual man.

That's who I am.

What does that make me?

I don't know. A hypocrite? Your Honor!

Objection! I withdraw the comment.

It's getting late. We'll take a recess until Monday morning.

Ms. Reynolds, you will allow Mr. Whittaker a visitation with Sam this Sunday.

¶¶

¶ Stayed true to the things I knew when I was younger ¶

¶ Food and love, that's all that's left of hunger ¶

¶¶ We're gonna have to dump the album.

How much money have we invested in these guys so far?

We're not gonna spend another dime. Oh, please.

- Like I care. - Excuse me.

I'll call you back.

You probably don't remember me. At least, uh, I hope you don't.

Oh, I remember you.

I need to talk to you about something important.

Don't worry. I'm not gonna make a scene.

After Abbie and you split up,

did you ever see each other again?

Maybe one more time? I don't know. What business is it of yours?

His name's Sam.

What? He just turned six.

- Oh, no way, man! - Come on. Look, he's got your chin.

I'm an idiot. I didn't see it before.

If she sent you here looking for money, this isn't exactly the right time.

No, no, as a matter of fact, she's counting on you having absolutely no interest at all.

- What's this got to do with me? - I need your help.

Hey, Sam! Oh!

Okay, let's go.

You can't get me. Nah-nah na, na, nah.

Hey, Kevin. I'm glad you could come.

Sam, this is an old friend of mine, Kevin. Say hi.

Hi. No, say hi properly.

It's very nice to meet you.

Sam. That's a good name.

It's full of Japanese people.

Is it true or are you joking? What?

Is that true about the tidal wave?

Will it happen?

- Whoa! - He calls you Daddy.

I've been his father since the day he was born.

So what's this got to do with me?

I need your help.

I need you to sue for joint custody. What?

Abbie's getting married. Her fiance lives in New York. She wants to take Sam there.

I can't stop them because I'm not legally the father.

I don't think I can get involved in this. No, listen.

I'll pay all the court costs. I'll pay for your time, whatever it takes.

They'll give you joint custody. Once they do, we'll make our own arrangement.

I'll take full responsibility. You'll never have to see him again if you don't want to.

I can't agree to something like this. Hey, Dad!

Please help me.

Please?

This is crazy. I can't help you. I'm sorry.

Before I announce my ruling,

does anyone have anything else to add?

I do, Your Honor.

It seems like I've spent my whole life thinking about blood.

Worrying about blood.

And blood...

Well, it's just like shit.

We're all full of it.

It's good, it gets bad.

But it's not who we are.

Being a parent, a real parent, takes more than D.N.A.

No one can hand it to you, and no one can take it away.

I have earned my right to be Sam's father.

So, no matter what you decide,

Sam is my son... forever and always.

Mr. Whittaker,

I know how deeply attached you are to this child...

and that you've been an exemplary parent.

And I personally believe that love and devotion should not go unrewarded.

But my job is to adjudicate the laws of the state of California.

And at this time, I have no choice...

but to grant sole custody...

to Sam's mother, Abbie Reynolds.

Are you all right, darling?

- Excuse me, Your Honor. May I approach the bench? - What's this about?

- My client feels he has a stake in this case. - Your client?

- Kevin Lassiter, Your Honor. - I'm Sam's natural father.

- You're a little late. - I didn't find out till last week. Abbie never told me.

Is that true, Ms. Reynolds? Yes.

Your Honor, we'd like to present evidence proving that Mr. Lassiter...

has a good steady job and a sizeable extended family in the area.

Are you asking for shared custody, Mr. Lassiter?

I just wanna be able to spend enough time with him to find out.

- I'm asking to know him. - Counselors, approach the bench.

Why didn't you tell me? Look, I meant what I said.

I've gotta figure this out for myself. I've gotta get to know my son.

Sure, we can... No, this is between me and Sam.

This has nothing to do with you.

Look, I'm just being honest.

In light of this recent development,

I will not render judgement in this matter...

until a custodial examination is completed.

We will reconvene four months from today on November 15.

And Ms. Reynolds will have temporary custody of the child,

but will not be allowed to leave the state of California...

pending further order of this court.

Sorry, Robert. I know how difficult this is.

- You son of a bitch! - Come on. Don't.

- I did what I had to do. - You had to bring that guy back into my life,

back into Sam's life forever?

- You gave me no choice, Abbie. - You had a choice! You had a choice.

For as long as you live, you will never be able to take this back!

Abbie, let's go. Come on.

Robert, I'm so sorry.

Hey, Robert. Hey, Ben.

How're you doing?

Don't worry. I never let him see me. Look, uh,

I'm sorry about the way this all...

You know.

You didn't leave. Nah.

I didn't take the partnership, and I left the firm.

You do what you have to, you know?

- How's Kevin? - We saw him once,

but that was months ago. Where's Sam?

He's inside with Abbie. A teacher conference.

What did he do? He's got a reading problem.

He won't keep his book right-side up, thinks his version is better.

Dad! Sam! Sam, come back here right now.

Sam, over here right now!

But, Mom... Get in the car.

Dad! Dad!

Dad! Look, uh, it's too soon.

Maybe someday, huh?

Window.

We really messed up, didn't we?

How's Sam?

He's fine.

He misses you.

I miss you.

I miss us.

Go have dinner with your father.

- Dad! - Sam!

How are you? Great, but no more daddies, okay?

Just have him back after dinner, okay?

What do you want to have for dinner, son?

It's Thursday. We have roast beast on Thursdays.

You're so right. We do.

I love you, Sam. I love you, Daddy.

¶ A long, long time ago ¶

¶ I can still remember ¶

¶ How that music used to make me smile ¶

¶ And I knew that if I had my chance ¶

¶ I could make those people dance ¶

¶ And maybe they'd be happy ¶

¶ For a while ¶

¶ Did you write the book of love ¶

¶ And do you have faith in God above ¶

¶ If the Bible tells you so ¶

¶ Now do you believe in rock and roll ¶

¶ And can music save your mortal soul ¶

¶ And can you teach me how to dance ¶

¶ Real slow ¶

¶ Well, I know that you're in love with him ¶

¶ 'Cause I saw you dancing in the gym ¶

¶ You both kicked off your shoes ¶

¶ Man, I dig those rhythm and blues ¶

¶ I was a lonely teenage broncin' buck ¶

¶ With a pink carnation and a pickup truck ¶

¶ But I knew that I was out of luck ¶

¶ The day ¶

¶ The music died ¶

¶ I started singin' Bye, bye, Miss American Pie ¶

¶ Drove my Chevy to the levee but the levee was dry ¶

¶ And good ole boys were drinkin' whiskey and rye ¶

¶ Singin', this will be the day that I die ¶

¶ This'll be the day that I die ¶

¶ I met a girl who sang the blues ¶

¶ And I asked her for some happy news ¶

¶ But she just smiled and turned away ¶

¶ Well, I went down to the sacred store ¶

¶ Where I'd heard the music years before ¶

¶ But the man there said the music ¶

¶ Wouldn't play ¶

¶ Well, now, in the streets the children screamed ¶

¶ The lovers cried and the poets dreamed ¶

¶ But not a word was spoken ¶

¶ The church bells all were broken ¶

¶ And the three men I admire the most ¶

¶ The Father, Son and the Holy Ghost ¶

¶ They caught the last train for the coast ¶

¶ The day ¶

¶ The music died ¶

¶ We started singin' Bye, bye, Miss American Pie ¶

¶ Drove my Chevy to the levee but the levee was dry ¶

¶ And good ole boys were drinkin' whiskey and rye ¶

¶ Singin', this will be the day that I die ¶

¶ This'll be the day that I die ¶

¶ Bye, bye, Miss American Pie ¶

¶ Drove my Chevy to the levee but the levee was dry ¶

¶ And good ole boys were drinkin' whiskey and rye ¶

¶ Singin', this will be the day that I die ¶

¶ This'll be the day that I die ¶

¶ We started singin' Bye, bye, Miss American Pie ¶

¶ Drove my Chevy to the levee but the levee was dry ¶

¶ And good ole boys were drinkin' whiskey and rye ¶

¶ Singin', this will be the day that I die ¶

¶ This'll be the day that I die ¶

¶ We started singin' ¶

¶ We started singin' ¶

¶ We started singin' ¶

¶ We started singin' ¶¶