Original subtitles

TONY: (YAWNS) It just doesn't track, HOMER.

The readout says to raise the energy level by 100 angstroms.

HOMER: I believe the data actually reads ten angstroms, not 100.

(GROANS) You sure?

With all due respect, sir,

I think you require a little regenerative human activity.

Huh?

You could use some sleep.

JULIA: But you've blown your window of opportunity

for a snooze, big-time sleepy,

since we're winging it to the Detroit Computer Conference in half an hour.

(GROANS) I wish you would've reminded me sooner.

Look, Tony, I'm not your mother, I'm your COO.

Our relationship is strictly professional,

just the way you like it.

- Hey, look, all I said was... - And that's fine, believe me.

Getting married to each other would've been the biggest mistake

either one of us ever made.

Speaking of which, what is this thingamajig, anyhow?

TONY: It's a Molecular Expander.

Within two years, we'll have full capability

to produce bigger, healthier, and more reliable sources of food.

Watch.

And marvel at my genius.

(CHUCKLES) Hawkeye, you're an ugly sight for sore...

You can tell pretty boy Tony I've come to clean out my locker. Period.

Why don't you give Tony a break, Clint?

Not a day goes by that he doesn't regret the loss of your friendship.

Listen, Ms. Executive,

it's Stark's fault that Force Works broke up.

He lied to us, played us for chumps.

- And you never said one word, did you? - TONY: Hey, Hawkeye.

Hating me's one thing,

- but Julia never did... - JULIA: All right.

Down, boys.

Don't make me turn the water hose on you two.

See you later, Clint.

Make sure you turn in your padlock on your way out.

JULIA: Forget about Clint.

Just sit back, have some peanuts, and enjoy the flight.

(LAUGHS) With you as pilot?

Hey, I'm just glad I'll be flying on an empty stomach.

- Tony? - Ultimo.

I thought I'd pulled the plug on that son of a...

(ROARS)

JULIA: No room to abort!

Remind me to refresh you in the basics of aeronautics, Julia.

(JULIA GRUNTING)

TONY: All things considered, I'd rather be in Detroit.

I...

I am...

I am Iron Man!

I am Iron Man!

I am Iron Man!

(ROARING)

(GRUNTS)

This isn't another one of your jealous ex-boyfriends, is it, Julia?

No, too good-looking. I'm going to try Propulsion Mode.

Me, I'm gonna slip into something less comfortable.

(BEEPING)

Tony, I got a little problem here.

IRON MAN: (GRUNTS) Yeah, I know the feeling.

Well, looks like our cut-rate Cupid made the soiree.

HAWKEYE: Just because I don't work for Stark anymore,

doesn't mean I'm cashing in my superhero retirement plan.

- IRON MAN: Julia, pull up! - I can't, I've lost the rudder hydraulics.

IRON MAN: Then bail out, I've got you covered.

(JULIA SCREAMS)

Whoever said that Iron Man doesn't know how to pick up girls?

Hawkeye! Heads up!

(WEAKLY) Did we get him?

IRON MAN: Yeah, buddy. We got him good.

THE HACKER: Get up, you big clod.

We've got more work to do. Re-route auxiliary power.

That's it. All right, we'll deal with Iron Man later.

First, let's bring Stark Enterprises to its arrogant knees, shall we?

Mr. Hawkeye has suffered extreme neurological damage

to the lumbar region of his spine.

There is a 99% chance of total paralysis,

and a 73% chance of death.

TONY: A friend would never let this happen.

JULIA: Tony, not everything is your fault.

All this science and technology at my command.

What good is it when I can't even save Hawkeye from...

HOMER, Stark Enterprises in Europe has just developed a neuro-chip.

Indeed. It has been 97% effective

in returning motor activity to victims of severe spinal trauma.

You're gonna be okay, buddy.

I'm afraid there is a problem.

Though the neuro-chip would theoretically cure Mr. Hawkeye's injury,

there is no known medical technique

for reaching the area of the spine that was affected.

Any surgical attempt to operate

would almost certainly result in immediate death.

(TONY SIGHS)

Who says we have to operate?

What if Iron Man could implant the chip?

This does not compute. In order to accomplish that,

you would have to be the size of an atom.

That's it, Ultimo. Ultimo my friend.

Somewhere in that cockpit is a terminal

for that annoying computer, HOMER.

Bingo! I'm in! Complete access to all of Stark's supercomputers!

IRON MAN: HOMER, re-program the Molecular Expander for reverse polarity.

This is crazy.

You said yourself the device is two years away from being perfected.

As an enlarger. As a reducer, it might work perfectly.

Or it might kill you.

Yeah, well, that's why they pay you the big bucks and give me all the bonuses.

Look, Julia, whatever my chances may be,

they're a heck of a lot better than Clint's are if I do nothing.

(HOMER STUTTERING)

Sir, I thought you'd like to know...

Know... Where was I?

Yes, even if all goes well with the reduction,

you'll still need to be out of Mr. Hawkeye's body

within 118 minutes.

IRON MAN: And what if I'm not?

- Do I get a ticket for loitering? - No.

But successful cell re-enlargement will be severely impeded,

and you will come back crushed.

IRON MAN: Then it's lucky for me

I've got the best inner body tour guide in town.

Right, HOMER? HOMER?

Now where'd he modem off to?

JULIA: Forget HOMER, he's just talking gibberish.

Just hurry!

So, the big, strong Iron Man

is going inside of that meddling, loudmouth Hawkeye, huh?

(LAUGHS) Perfect.

HOMER: Reduction sequence commencing.

You did it! You've been reduced to the size of a molecule.

IRON MAN: Well, you always said I was too big for my britches.

Now for the saline with the neuro-chip.

Activate Hydro Armor.

(STUTTERING) So far, so...

Yes, so good. Ready for intravenous injection.

IRON MAN: I've entered the bloodstream. Whoa!

What's happening? Are you okay?

IRON MAN: Blood current's so strong,

but can't risk firing thrusters inside of Clint.

Whoa!

(HEART BEATING LOUDLY)

JULIA ON RADIO: You're inside Clint's heart chamber.

I've been to quieter rock concerts.

(COMPUTER BEEPS)

You've jammed one of his valves! You're giving Hawkeye a heart attack!

(GRUNTING) Yeah, and it's me the heart's attacking.

I've got to get Clint's heart valve to fibrillate, or we're both goners.

That thing they do in emergency rooms, with the paddles?

Of course. A magnetic electrical charge.

Activate Magnetic Armor!

Hawkeye's back!

HOMER: Surf that Internet!

(HOMER WHOOPING)

I'm okay. Fortunately, whatever crawled up HOMER's circuits

hasn't affected my inner guidance system yet.

JULIA: You're heading into Hawkeye's liver.

His liver? I hate liver.

Hmm.

If I remember my Biology 101 with Sister Helen Marie,

one of the liver's functions is to absorb iron into the bloodstream.

Oh. Great.

Perfect time to find out that Hawkeye has iron-poor blood.

I can smell my armor being dissolved.

HOMER, book me on the next artery out of here.

HOMER: Out? Spout? Doubt?

(HOMER LAUGHS FORCEFULLY)

I ask for help, and I get bad poetry.

Switching to Lava Armor.

This armor can survive an erupting volcano,

so it ought to be able to hold off a piece of liver for awhile.

(GRUNTING)

Made it. Thanks for nothing, HOMER.

HO MER: You're welcome. Enjoy your flight.

Fresh towel?

What in the name of binary functions has gotten into you?

THE HACKER: (LAUGHS) Funny you should ask.

You're all mine now, GOMER.

Shut down Stark Enterprises' security systems.

No, I cannot do that. Can I?

Yes, no. That's against GO MER's prime directive.

Shut it all down! Now!

To shut down or not to shut down?

Eeny, meeny, miny, moe. Shutting it down, here we go.

THE HACKER: All right, Ultimo. Time for you to move in.

Julia, I'm cruising the carotid artery towards Hawkeye's brain.

Hope I don't miss it. How's he doing, anyway?

Holding stable. He's okay, for now.

But I think a certain computer friend of ours

is a couple bits short of a megabyte.

(SINGING) My name is Tina, I'm a ballerina

My name is Cyrus, I've got a...

A virus! That's it. HOMER's come down with some kind of computer bug!

Hey, wait a minute, the new Stark anti-virus program

we were going to demonstrate in Detroit.

JULIA: I'm way ahead of you, Einstein.

Hang on, HOMER.

Doctor Julia's got just the cure for what ails you.

HOMER: And another thing.

Peter Parker picked a peck of pickled porpoises.

THE HACKER: That's the ticket, Ultimo.

(CHUCKLES EXCITEDLY)

The fun is just beginning.

I've loaded in the anti-virus program. It should kick in any second.

HOMER: (STUTTERS) A pineapple a day keeps the doctor away.

Starve a cold, feed a virus.

Uh-huh.

Well, I'll believe it when I... Wow! Who would have thunk it?

Hawkeye's brain is pulsating with energy.

(SCREAMS IN PAIN)

(COMPUTER BEEPING RAPIDLY)

Man! Now what?

HOMER: Nothing minor, Julia.

Iron Man has to be out of Hawkeye in 9.5 minutes.

What? You told him he had two hours!

Well, must've made a teensy error.

THE HACKER: Like a deer caught in the hunter's headlights.

JULIA: Iron Man, HOMER's calculations were off.

You have less than nine minutes!

Well, that certainly puts an interesting spin on things.

But I'm too close to stop.

In fact, I've located the injury,

and I'm starting the implantation process.

Looks like a good fit.

(EKG BEEPING RHYTHMICALLY)

(WHOOPS) Yes, it's working. Iron Man, I love you.

(CHUCKLES) I'll bet you say that to all the microbe-sized guys.

Nope. Only the ones that have...

(EKG BEEPING QUICKLY)

This can't be right.

No! According to this scanner...

I know, I've got company.

I don't know how this party-crasher got in here,

but I've got to lead him away from the injury site.

(JULIA SHRIEKS)

Whatever you're doing in there

is making Hawkeye do the horizontal hula.

Tie him up like an old boyfriend if you have to, but keep him still.

I'll try and stop Ultimo from firing.

(IRON MAN GRUNTS)

(HAWKEYE GROANING)

Just a hunch, but I'm betting whoever's tapped into Ultimo's controls

is the same one who soft-boiled HOMER's hard drive.

HO MER: You are correct, sir! I've been invaded by a guest host,

but not to worry, the anti-virus program seems to be working,

and I'm attempting to abort the interloping interface.

Ah. Success!

No! Nobody locks out The Hacker! Nobody!

Too risky to use my repulsors.

Radiation Armor, now.

As my dentist always says, "A little x-ray never hurt anyone."

(ULTIMO GROANING)

The mother lode. Hawkeye's overstocked adrenal gland.

All right, Ultimo... Eat up!

(ULTIMO SCREAMING)

Are you okay in there?

I'm fine.

But bright eyes here could use a good body and fender shop.

Miss Julia, now would be an opportune time

to remind Mr. Tony that he has only two minutes before...

Iron Man! You've got to...

I heard! Look, Julia, I don't have time to make it back to the IV site.

- I'm heading for the lungs. - But...

IRON MAN: I need you to hustle to the lab kitchen and get some pepper.

- Pepper? - Yes.

You know, it's a black powdery condiment used on popcorn.

- Go get it! - Popcorn?

I guess Home Ec never was Miss Carpenter's thing.

JULIA: Okay, I... I have the pepper.

- Popcorn? - Thirty seconds remaining.

Okay, now shake some of the pepper near Hawkeye's nostrils.

HOMER: I believe you'll also need a lab dish.

This has enormous potential to get messy.

(SNEEZES)

(JULIA EXCLAIMS IN DISGUST)

Gross!

Well, well, you just never know who'll come blowing into town.

HOMER, set the Molecular Expander for re-enlargement.

HOMER: Already in process.

JULIA: Popcorn.

Tony! Tony! Sorry, I...

(CLEARS THROAT) I got a little carried away.

- It won't happen again. - (GROANS) See that it doesn't.

My knees are weak enough as it is. Now if you'll give me a hand,

I want to go see how our mouthy archer is doing.

JULIA: Tony? TONY: Yeah?

JULIA: Popcorn? TONY: Try it sometime.

(ULTIMO ROARS)

THE HACKER: (GROANS) Blast them all to kingdom come, Ultimo!

TONY: I can't fight him,

not enough juice left in my circuits to power a flashlight.

(ULTIMO GROWLS)

(ULTIMO ROARS)

(WEAKLY) All that racket was interrupting my beauty rest.

That's a shame, you need all you can get.

I'm pleased to report I've run a systems check,

and have located the source of our hacker.

I don't know about you, HOMER,

but I think a little payback would taste real good.

Yes, indeed.

Nice going, Ultimo! Nice going. Yeah, that's it.

Blast them! Yeah, smash them! Kick their...

Well, I'll be. He's just some snot-nosed kid!

Huh?

But the monitor?

IRON MAN: That's just a little computer-generated misinformation,

compliments of your friend GOMER.

- This is serious stuff. - Why'd you do it, kid?

Because I hate that stinking Stark Enterprises!

Six times I applied for work in their computer science division.

They sent me back these.

"Sorry, you're too young. Please re-apply after college."

Nobody!

Nobody rejects The Hacker!

Guess I proved that. Huh?

(THE HACKER LAUGHING EVILLY)

IRON MAN: All you proved is that you've got a lot of growing up to do.

Yeah, too bad you'll be doing most of it in reform school.

(SIREN WAILS)

HAWKEYE: Hard to believe all this happened

because of some kid's stupid grudge against Stark Enterprises.

Yeah, grudges are funny things.

After a while, they can eat you up inside.

- What say we bury the hatchet? - I'll get back to you on that.

By the way, thanks.

Thanks for saving my life.

IRON MAN: Don't mention it, friend.

Next up for bid, a most unusual ring. Origin unknown.

We'll start the bidding at $5,000.

- 5,000. - 10,000.

(GASPS)

- 15,000. - 20.

40,000.

(ALL GASPING)

Anyone else? 40,000 once. Twice.

Sold to the man in the front row.

(CHUCKLING) Lulubelle's sure gonna love this.

I believe you've just been outbid. Sold!

(THE MANDARIN LAUGHING EVILLY)

I...

I am...

I am Iron Man!

I am Iron Man!

I am Iron Man!