Original subtitles

♪

- Where's my phone? Where do I go?

- Follow me. Follow me.

- Love you, dawg. - Love you.

- We love you!

- Whoo! - Yeah!

- Can this be him?

The one I have waited centuries to see?

How strange.

So far from his path

that I barely see the promise of glory.

Can this be him, this hellboy?

♪

- Yo!

So you know I got to run, baby.

♪

♪ You don't even know what I been through ♪

♪ You don't gotta like me, ya bitch do ♪

♪ Blowing up my phone like, "I miss you" ♪

♪ You know I love you by the way that I kiss you ♪

♪ You don't even know... ♪

♪

- Dear grandson, my prophet...

...my tattooed poet,

the sweetheart...

...the wounds your father gave you,

God did not heal but did close

even if in scars

so that you receive this strength

to stand up against him for yourself,

to declare just as a boy your independence...

...and determined to grow into your own man.

This is one of your gifts

and wonders that makes me admire you,

makes me happiest about you, for you.

♪

Only I ask you in dead seriousness,

think about what being a man is,

the strength of heart to fight for love,

to defend it over and over and over again.

That's manly.

- I love you, too.

- Anyway, it'll be wonderful to see you.

I must look forward to it.

Love, your grandpa, Pack Ack.

- And just straight on through, clip it right there?

- Yeah. - Bada bing, bada boom.

I'll just do it through my jacket.

- Fuck yeah.

- Look. What I could do maybe...

Nah, I'll do it on the jacket. Yeah.

- You want me to clip that? - Oh, yeah.

- Bro, you're so professional, bro.

- Yeah, I know. This shit is crazy.

- Have all the gear and everything,

and, like, it's nice.

- Hey, can I get you to say something quick?

- Yeah, I just... I was just picking my nose.

I hope you weren't recording.

- How long you guys been working on music?

- Shit. I been working on music,

like, 6, 7, nah, 7 months, 7, 8 months now, bro.

I'm all over the place right now.

Like, I'm gonna be staying here.

I'm gonna be staying in L.A., you know what I'm saying?

I just fuck with my friends, yo.

- This is just some family shit, bro.

- Yeah, it's just some family shit.

- ♪ You know I don't want to do you like that ♪

♪ Why you got to do me like that? ♪

♪ Because I got face tats and my boots black ♪

♪ I don't want to go to school, I don't like that ♪

♪ Everybody think I'm cool, I don't like that ♪

♪ Codeine by the pool while I write raps ♪

♪ Spend money like a fool, I'm gonna make it back ♪

♪ I don't want to lose you ♪

♪ I don't want to hate you ♪

♪ I don't want to do you like that ♪

♪ Why you got to do me like that? ♪

♪ Because I got face tats and my clothes black ♪

♪ I don't want to go to school, I don't like that ♪

♪ Everybody think I'm cool, I don't like that ♪

♪ Codeine by the pool while I write raps ♪

♪ Spend money like a fool, I'm gonna make it back ♪

♪ I'm gonna have a couple million when I'm 21 ♪

♪ Shorty told me that she thought that I was 21 ♪

- I don't think I have it all in red.

Don't touch because they're very new.

- I touched! - Okay.

Well, you know how to touch gently.

I've seen you do it. - I touched gently.

- A very good, gentle touch.

All done eating?

I bet that would...

Let's take a little spongie.

- Like that. - Yeah.

The night that he was born, he opened his eyes

and looked me right in the eye in a way that I hadn't...

was completed surprised by, great big, brown eyes,

and he looked at me like, "Okay, so introductions.

Let's go," and I said, "Hi. I'm your mama, and I love you."

I was like... I'll never forget that moment,

and he was like a little, tiny...

Like the little characters in "Snow White"

or like little Walt Disney characters with these big eyes,

and so he was just like a little peep.

- I'm gonna do this.

I'm doing that to talk in.

- You're talking now. I can hear you.

- Uh-huh. - Uh-huh.

I can hear you in the camera.

That's called a microphone.

Go on and grab it.

- I want to do the microphone.

- Gus had a way about him.

When he would walk into the class,

he was... He always had a smile,

always had a smile,

and the first thing he would say is,

"Good morning, Mrs. Camacho."

You know, one thing that got me was his creativity.

He was a very creative artist and writer,

and I picked up on that very quickly.

♪

- I can't do it. I can't do it.

- Yeah, you can do it.

- No, I can't do it. - Yeah, you can do it.

- I can't do it. - Aw, come on.

You can do it. - Nah.

- Yeah, come on. You can do it.

- There we go. I'm... There. I'm done.

I'm done. - Okay.

You're feeling a little more shy, aren't you?

I can tell there's mischief in your eyes, and yet...

- But if you meet me in real life,

you'll find out that I'm not very confident,

and I'm a very sensitive person,

and I have a lot of insecurities.

- It wasn't just like, "I'm writing catchy songs."

I feel like Gus talked about the pain, too,

and a lot of people were drawn to it

because he's brutally honest about it.

- I remember we'd, like, go out, and he had all these tattoos,

and he's always like, "Don't you feel weird, like,

walking into a restaurant with me?"

And I'd be like, "Why do you get all these tattoos

if you care so much about it?

Like, if you're going to be so insecure about it,

why did you do that?" Because he was.

He was, like... He knew people were judging him,

and it did upset him.

- I used to bike everywhere.

Like, where I grew up in New York was a really small

surfing city, surfing community, so we just biked.

Everyone just biked everywhere.

Like, they actually made it, like...

I remember the year I moved,

they made it illegal to be drunk on a bike.

You can get pulled over on your bike.

- A DUI, yeah. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm also a professional handlebar rider.

I can hop on someone's handlebars if they're going,

like, 30 miles an hour. I'd be like, "Whoo."

- Honestly, a huge reason he did it was, he was like,

"I'm not gonna have, like, a normal job.

I don't ever want a normal job, and I'm going to make myself

not be this, like, normal person."

♪

- Being a normal kid in Long Beach is,

you're going to the beach all the time.

You want to be a lifeguard because that's the coolest thing

you can be in middle school or high school

is that you're a lifeguard, and you're playing lacrosse,

and you're playing beach volleyball,

and it's very much a small beach town.

♪

And Long Beach is almost like a tribalism of,

"We're from Long Beach,

and, like, we do things our way, and everyone else is trash."

- Gus, from the beginning, is a creative and different kid.

Big, like, pink and green Osirises on

that, like, went up to his knees.

So he stood out just from the start,

probably had a Mohawk at the time, too.

He communicated through his image,

and, like, you could tell

that he was different from the rest of us.

- Smells good.

- Stop. Stop! Okay, stop.

Aah! - Aah!

- Evan, get off. You're crushing my soul.

- Ah, tickles my lips.

- It tickles... my lips.

- I remember in 10th grade when we were dating,

and he didn't answer me for two hours,

and I was like, "What the hell are you doing?"

And he was like, "My parents are getting divorced,"

and the day after, he, like, broke up with me,

and we didn't speak for a really long time.

And after that, like,

he was, like, completely a different person.

Like, he started hanging out with different people.

He came to school less, stopped going to his classes.

- He used to talk to me about how much he hated high school,

and he'd throw up

in the mornings sometimes before he had to go.

They were all judging him.

You know, well, "You're not an athlete,

and you're smoking pot, and you're getting tattoos,

and you're not applying to college,

and I don't want you going over to Gus' house anymore."

You know, there were several parents who...

He told me that, and he told that to me, and he cried.

He just felt like an absolute loser.

- I was worried about him, yeah,

for quite a while because he was in his bedroom,

and he had to have black curtains,

so it was all dark in there, and it just seemed so grim.

He was in there a lot and sad.

- Five nine six. Is that Wheeler?

- Nine six five.

- Nine six four? - Nine six five.

- Like, I would hang out with Gus when he didn't want

to think about that type of shit, you know what I mean?

Like, he was always, like, really good at, like, hiding,

like, any feelings that he had or anything like that.

He was good at it, so, like, it was hard to...

It's hard to tell, like, whether or not he was,

like, bothered, you know what I mean?

It always was.

- He would run away.

Like, we would just dip from the school, and that's when

he would just, like, record mostly early-on stuff.

- You've been blessed.

- I remember laying in his bed,

and his name was Trap Goose at the time, and he was like,

"I think I'm gonna change my name to Lil Peep,"

and I was like, "Why?"

And he's like, "My mom calls me Peep,"

and I was like, "I think that's kind of weird."

Like, it sounds like little penis,

and I made fun of him for it,

and he was like, "No, I'm doing it. I don't care."

- ♪ I can keep my cool under pressure ♪

- ♪ Pressure ♪

- ♪ Clouds without law like the weather ♪

- ♪ Show time, bitch ♪

♪ Kinky shit ♪

- Me personally, like, I thought, like,

if you wanted to be a rapper, you were a fucking idiot.

Like, like, come on.

There's just so many other things

that you could be in life.

Like, why do you want to be a rapper?

Like, doesn't make any sense to me,

but when Gus was doing it, I obviously had that same

kind of thought, like, "You're a fucking idiot."

Like, "Just do something normal,"

but I was still his friend,

and I wasn't gonna sit there and tell him that.

Like, I never told him like, "Be something else," like,

because I knew that he was serious about it.

- He didn't want to go see anybody he knew,

and in our town, you go anywhere, you know somebody.

They're gonna say, "Oh, what are you doing now?"

And what was he gonna say? Like, "Oh, I'm making music."

Like, nobody would have thought anything of it,

and he would've just been, like, judged by it.

- Yeah, but it was always very good.

You know, it was... The only other...

- Basically, my father was like a surrogate father.

You know, he was the guy that Gus figured,

"Okay.

My own blood father is definitely not somebody

I respect, certainly, and not somebody

I'm gonna spend any...

waste my energy on," and he, I think,

kind of transferred his, you know,

"Who is my male figure?" You know, onto his grandpa.

♪

- I remember Gus literally told me once

if he was to die, he thinks Jack would be, like,

the person welcoming him into Heaven.

Like, he literally thought, like, Jack was God.

He loved him so much.

He was, like, super, just intelligent, very smart,

but he also, like, didn't judge anybody.

He'd always say that whenever Gus, like,

got a new tattoo or something,

Jack, like, wouldn't even notice.

Like, he just, like, looked him straight in the eyes always,

and I think Gus, like, really appreciated that.

- My dad is a big letter writer.

He's old-school, so he does like to write a lot of e-mails,

but he also does like to write actual letters

and send them in the mail.

I mean, he wrote to the boys a lot,

and he felt that it was important

to write to both of them.

Gus was home.

Oskar was in college, but Gus was floundering.

So he just wanted to reach out to Gus and write to him.

- Dear Gus, I think your mama asked you if you'd like

to do that research for me at the NYU Library

for pay and travel and other expenses into the city and out.

Let me know if you'll do it.

I'm sure you can do it.

Your mama and I can easily explain how.

I believe in you, Gus.

I know you'll find your way, and it'll be a good, strong way.

These days especially, take good care of yourself.

Think about things you really like or don't like.

Wonder why you like them or don't.

Talk to your friends about them or make friends

that do want to talk about them.

Life is full of surprises.

Some of them, I know from my experiences, are very bad,

but some are wonderful.

I can tell you, too, that these years you're living now,

16, 17, are particularly hard years.

It's hard to know what to do, but you'll get through them,

and things will start to get clear and make sense.

Whatever you may say or do,

have faith in yourself and in your mama.

I do look forward to seeing you at some point over the summer.

Love Pack Ack, your grandpa.

- Wait, you don't have enough to do a video, do you?

- I don't know.

- Where?

- Walk away.

I'm telling you, it fucking looks...

- She tells me she's not upset, but look at her.

- We started to make the music videos

because we were just, like, bored

and wanted to get out of the house,

and it was something to get Gus out of the house

because other than that, he wasn't leaving his room.

It had to be, like, music-involved,

so I wanted to go to my house,

and we went to the "Live Forever" music video,

and I was like, "If we go to my house,

I'll shoot a music video for you,"

and he was like, "Fine. We can go."

- ♪ ...motherfucking big screen ♪

♪ Live forever, bitch, smoking on that HD ♪

♪ Live forever ♪

♪ Get them motherfucking blunts rolled ♪

♪ Now I pull up, and I get it... ♪

- I messaged him on SoundCloud,

and I was like, "Bro, you're amazing."

I had a small following, like, 5,000 followers.

He had, like, 200 or some shit.

But I just loved his shit.

I was like, "Bro, let's make some music.

Like, I love what you're doing."

- ♪ You ♪

- ♪ I remember looking at you ♪

♪ Through the window in my bedroom ♪

- And then, yeah, he sent his clips through.

Like... He had, like, the dustiest green screen.

It was like a green bedsheet,

and I had, like, green cardboard here.

We was both like... - Yeah, we was...

- We didn't know what we were doing,

and, like, you can see the green line around us

and shit when I edited it.

- It was perfect, though, now,

when you look back at it. - Yeah.

Because we were so new to it, you know?

- He's trying to do this work,

and Emma kind of brings him out of it,

and he's making progress and getting better at it

and meeting people online and doing this stuff

and on his own and probably so much of it unbeknownst to me

except for the fact that every night, I heard him singing.

You know, he worked while I slept,

but I heard him, and so this was...

made me happy because he was doing something that he enjoyed

and was committed to.

- Eventually, he made a couple songs

like "Star Shopping," and I'm just like,

"Dude, like, it's over. Like, now you've got it."

- I'm so fucking excited.

Oh, I'm shaking.

- And I've never seen him satisfied

with his own music before, too.

He used to be embarrassed of it,

and now he's playing his songs every day over and over.

- ♪ Wait right here ♪

♪ I'll be back in the morning ♪

♪ I know that I'm not that important to you ♪

♪ But to me, girl, you're so much more than gorgeous ♪

♪ So much more than perfect ♪

♪ Right now, I know that I'm not really worth it ♪

♪ If you give me time, I can work on it ♪

- The change was real, and, like, people were like,

"Damn, all right. Lil Peep is actually a thing."

- ♪ In rotation, you're waiting for me ♪

♪ Look at my face when I... ♪

♪

- You know, at Schema, we had, like, like, 30 rappers.

We were like Wu-Tang, like old Three 6 Mafia.

♪

I only needed to hear, like, the first four bars of Lil Peep.

That's it.

- ♪ Schema boys ♪

♪ It's the posse, bitch, we running shit ♪

♪ And no, it ain't nothing ♪

♪ Maxed out, shorty, now my battery full ♪

♪ I got plenty more to go ♪

- I sent Peep a DM, matter of fact,

and the first thing I told him was,

"We gonna blow you up."

Like, I didn't say, "Hey, what's up?

My name Grxxn," blah, blah, blah.

All I said was, "We gonna blow you up,"

and then later on, I think we all hopped on the phone

and just was, like, planning shit out.

How are we gonna do things?

And we gonna do a tour here and yadda, yadda, yadda.

So it started, like, in Tucson.

- It was, like... I don't know.

It was kind of surreal because I was like,

"Well, I'm out here with a bunch of people

that I've, like, met on the Internet,

and, like, we're doing this thing now.

We're, like, playing a show together and stuff."

I remember it was, like, 30 or 40 kids showed up,

and the venue looked like a hou--

Like, a fuc-- it used to be a meth den or something,

and then there was an explosion,

and they, like, gutted everything.

Like, it was just a total shithole, but it was awesome.

And there was no stage.

There was obviously a few songs of mine that went off,

but, like, Gus played "Beamer Boy"

because "Beamer Boy," like, just came out at that time,

and it was just...

Everyone in that bitch was singing.

Like, it was so crazy.

♪

- ♪ I'm a motherfucking Schema boy ♪

♪ I'm a dreamer boy ♪

♪ I love a girl that don't even fucking need a boy ♪

♪ Baby, I'm a beamer boy ♪

♪ I need a beemer, boy ♪

♪ I want a Z3 ♪

♪ That's a two-seater, boy ♪

♪ Okay, I pull my cash out ♪

♪ Shorty pass out ♪

- At that point, he was real, real happy at that point

because I think from that show,

he started to believe that, "You know what?

I can actually do this shit," you know what I'm saying?

- ♪ Yeah, I'm in my zone now ♪

♪ I put my phone down ♪

♪ I'm on my own now, I'm on my own now ♪

We're performing our tracks we made.

- Yeah. - But how we're gonna do it is,

you guys are gonna go on first, do your opening thing,

and then, like, when we all come out,

me, J and Ghost,

I'm gonna do them with you guys.

- Oh, that... - So it's like a segue into it.

- Yeah, like you guys do your shit first,

and then once us three come out, you know,

I'm probably gonna do "Beamer Boy," like, second.

I don't know, but my set...

♪

- ♪ Shit go off when I come around ♪

- I remember the table broke.

Everybody fell, and then I, like, grabbed my laptop,

plugged the aux back in.

They were, like, on the microphone.

I'm, like, holding my shit like this.

Just like this, playing the music.

There was no more table.

♪

- ♪ Shit go off when I come around ♪

♪

- One day, we were sitting outside of this pizza shop.

Gus was like, "How long have we been"...

Like, we were trying to calculate

how long we'd been in Denver and shit,

and we all were like, "Yeah, that was, like...

The show was, like, two weeks ago, right?"

And we were all like, "Yeah, yeah.

That must have been, like, two weeks ago."

And then we, like, looked at the calendar,

and it had been, like, two months since the show,

and then that's when we were like,

"Fuck. We got to, like, get out of here."

- Dude, we got some skaters, bro.

- You want to see some fresh moves?

- Oh, okay. - Oh, oh.

- Dude, holy shit, bro.

- Wait, you didn't get that on video, did you?

- What's up? What's up? What's up?

That's the way to do it.

- Hey, Peep. Hey, what's up?

- And we would go to get tattooed

in San Diego with Brendan,

who was a guy that tattoos us there, and he's a actual cop,

and he, like, tattoos out of his garage.

Me and Peep went down to San Diego

on the same day that day,

and he went to his tattoo appointment

because it was before mine.

Me and Brennan went to the mall, and then we met up with Peep,

and as we walked into the dude's house,

Peep was literally, like, finishing up his crybaby tat,

and we looked at it, and we were like,

"Dude, we did not know it was gonna be that big."

And it showed me... It was like,

he doesn't give a fuck.

Like, he knows what he has.

He knows where this is going.

- I remember kind of laughing, and I was like,

"Bro, what is up with the tattoo?"

Because at the time, no other young rappers like this

had face tattoos.

And then he was talking about, like...

I swear, just, like, talking about, like,

some conflict in Syria or something.

- I think it was partly an identification

with oppressed people.

He, I think, really wanted to make himself an outsider.

- I definitely think the planet is very sad.

There's people fighting to survive, so live on for them.

That's why I got the crybaby tat,

to keep me grateful and remind me not to be a crybaby,

so I see it every time I look in the mirror, you know?

- Everyone saw that he was gonna be something special,

so everyone wanted to be around him,

wanted to be with him, wanted to hang out with him,

and not even, like...

I'm not talking about leeching or anything,

though there has been some of those people in his life.

- I start seeing people coming over

that I never even heard of before.

Sometimes, you would wake up.

You'd go to the living room.

You'd see about 10 bodies all laid out,

and so you got to get to the kitchen,

and you got to step over motherfuckers like this,

people you never even heard of before.

Everybody just laid out.

And then we like, "Peep, what the fuck? Who are these people?"

You know, and I was telling him, I'm like,

"Why you think you got 30 new best friends like that?"

He would always tell me, "Yo, man.

Yo, so-and-so said they'll pay for this for me

and that for me and yadda-yadda for me,"

and I was just like... just a matter of time.

It was like this.

And then the next day,

everybody announced they were gone.

He said it wasn't for him, so he bounced,

and then when he made that decision,

that's when everybody followed suit.

And it was over with. Schema was over with.

- Dear Gus, I hear you had a pretty hard week.

I'm sorry, but once you get big,

and you're big now, it can get very spooky

when you have a really hard fight.

It's maybe hardest because even after the dust settles,

it's hard to know how to reconnect,

what to say, what to think, even to yourself.

There are lots of people in the world crappy as it is,

and you will learn you cannot trust.

You may like them or not.

You may work with them or not, but you can't trust them.

If you do, they'll betray you.

But there are people whom you can trust

and whom you can have faith.

I know so sure that I'd put my hand in the fire to prove it.

Keep your faith, and the love will always be there.

♪

Love, your grandpa, Pack Ack.

- In 2016 in the spring,

Gus became homeless,

and he'll call me, "Mama, my phone is about to die.

The card isn't working," and I say every time,

"Are you with anybody?" Because I always...

Moms want to know, is my son alone,

or does he have a friend that he's at least with?

And it was always, "Yeah, Tracy,"

so there was always this Tracy who was always with him,

and I thought, "Okay. Thank goodness for Tracy.

Tracy is at least sticking by my son."

- We were, like, pretty much, like,

glued together before any one of us

had a crib, a house or anything.

- ♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ I used to think I love you ♪

♪ Now I know it ain't true ♪

♪ Now I know it's not you ♪

♪ Fifty on my boxers ♪

- Everything we did was easy.

It was like drinking water.

It was just like, "Another track?"

♪ Doing all my drugs, young bruh ♪

♪ Standing in the club ♪

♪ Like little mama in my eyesight ♪

♪ She go home with me tonight ♪

- Peep just automatically liked Tracy.

He was like... He said to me...

He brought Tracy to my house.

He's like, "Bro, this guy, he...

I got to keep him with me, you know?

Like, he's gonna be -- he's gonna be a star."

♪ Pull it out, the club going up, baby ♪

♪ Will you hold me down ♪

♪ Will you hold me down, ice on my wrist ♪

- Peep had definitely found somebody

that he could really fucking make music with, you know?

They made "White Tee" within a day of knowing

each other, I think.

I shot the video, like, that same week

or some shit like that, and that shit just did amazing.

- ♪ Fifty on my boxers ♪

- He's really fast. There's never, like...

He's definitely not a artist

that would ever, like, plan anything out.

It's never like you would be like, "Yeah, like,

we're gonna do this. We're gonna do..."

Like, maybe, like, a little bit but not really.

He's very just like, "Let's do it now."

- Do we use a beat? - No. We can.

- Play it. - I really like that beat.

- I love that beat. Oh, let's use that beat.

It's done. Send it to me.

- Oh, no, we're good. - Yeah, send it to me right now

because I tweeted it.

- What's the name? - Nah, I'm just gonna write,

"Dropping within 20 minutes on..."

- Yeah. - "Dropping within 20 minutes,

nah, 15 minutes."

15 minutes.

- Fuck that. I'm not waiting 20 minutes.

♪ Get into the bus, fill up, motherfucker ♪

♪ ...fucked up on some other shit ♪

♪ All I ever wanted was a... ♪

- Gus was recording anywhere he could.

He didn't care what room it was, what he was doing, you know?

Just, like, they were

just recording in the corner of my room.

It wasn't even how I would want them to record,

but it was what was most comfortable for them,

and with his mix on his laptop,

it didn't matter where you recorded.

It somehow... It just sound good.

- I don't even know how to record myself.

I just, like, turned a bunch of knobs.

I didn't know what they meant.

Like, I have no idea what the fuck I'm doing.

People be asking me questions like...

- So I feel like he always kind of downplayed his own,

like, skills with all of that because, like,

whenever I watched him do it, there was, like,

a very calculated formula behind the way

that he made his voice work, you know, on a song,

and he made do with whatever he had, you know,

whether it was the USB microphone or GarageBand

or a $30 VHS camera

that I had to shoot the video with.

Like, he's just like, "This is what we got.

We're gonna make it work, and it's gonna be perfect.

It's gonna be exactly what it's supposed to be."

- I never seen anything like it. You know what I mean?

It really felt like... I was like,

"Damn, this is, like, the new generation of music."

I was like, "All these kids are just moving out to L.A.

and staying in Airbnbs and just, like,

pitching in 30 bucks a day, like, doing repost or whatever."

I was like, "This is..."

It was one of the craziest things I'd ever seen before.

- How many people total are there in GBC?

- 10. - Is it 10?

- Yeah. - Okay.

- We all men.

- It's a hard 10? - Yeah, the door is closed.

- Damn, so me and Adam can't... - Strong 10.

- I would love to join GothBoiClique.

- GothBoiClique.

- ♪ I just fell in love with a bad bitch ♪

♪ Told me that she love me, too ♪

♪ Baby, I'm not having it ♪

♪ Sniffing cocaine because I didn't have no Actavis ♪

- Tracy was already in GBC,

and Peep wanted to be a part of a group.

I saw this look in Peep's eyes

where he, like, looked up to Tracy.

You know, him wanting to be in GBC

stemmed from his love for Tracy.

- It's almost like a brand or something, you know,

so it's, like,

it would benefit him to have, like, that group of,

like, like-minded people to make music with

and, you know, rap, and then he was...

You know, he was already on the rise and shit, so he's like,

"You know, I'm gonna help you guys,

bring you guys up with me, you know?"

♪

- Y'all don't know Tracy. Everybody, give it up for him.

- I texted Chase.

I said, "Hey, are you listening to the radio show?

You need to listen to this dude, Peep,"

and he goes, "What's his deal?"

I was like, "Just listen," and then literally, like,

three songs later, he goes, "Does he have a manager?"

- I meet him, and just talking with him,

I'm like, "You are above my head."

I'm just like, "Dude, like, you're a star.

Like, immediately I knew you're going to be huge."

You know, I was asking him questions like,

"How do you live? Like, how are you doing?"

He's just like, "I don't know.

I just kind of get by, whatever,"

so I'm like, "All right. Let me help you with your merch.

I'm not tripping on contracts or anything.

Just let me help you.

You know, I'll help whatever I can,

but you're gonna need, like, a big-time management company.

Like, you're pop. You're a big deal."

- I first heard Lil Peep on Twitter.

At that point, I had never felt like

I discovered something with such passion

since I was, like, 15 years old.

It was refreshing.

It was like a breath of fresh air

and like a slap in my fucking face,

and I showed everyone around me.

- Travis came bounding into my office with some things.

Like, he'd periodically come and show me things

that he thought were cool and that he liked.

He said, "Look at this kid."

I could only describe it as an obsession.

I was obsessed with this, like, 19-year-old boy.

- ♪ Oh, it's a lonely world ♪

♪ I know ♪

♪ Go and get lonely, girl ♪

♪ That's fo sho ♪

♪ Oh, I'm a lonely boy ♪

♪ She made a lonely boy ♪

♪ Yeah, I know ♪

- And I asked him actually...

It was at one of these early meetings.

I said, "How -- How big do you want to be?

How far do you want to go?"

I said, "Do you want to play stadiums?"

And he said, "Yeah, I want to play stadiums,"

and I said, "Well, I can... I think I can help."

- We lose Peep. I, like, call him.

He doesn't answer. Sarah can't get ahold of him.

Nobody knows where he is.

- I have this, like...

It was, like, daily, daily dialogue like,

"Where is he? What's he doing? What do you mean you don't know?

What do you mean he's not answering?"

- He was bouncing around a lot.

He stayed there in Whittier sometimes,

and shortly after that or right around the same time,

they got the lofts in Skid Row,

which was, I think, Nedarb's place.

- We just all came up with the money.

Lederrick was selling, like, Magic cards.

That's how he used to make money, like,

buying and reselling Magic cards and shit,

so then I was a dishwasher.

He was a Magic card seller, and then Peep was just, like...

Oh, I remember the...

We were $500 away from getting the spot,

so me and Peep, like...

He had this song that you can find online

called "Mud On My Gucci" or some shit like that.

We sold it for, like, 500 bucks, and then we just used that

for, like, the rest of the rent,

and then we just split that rent, like, five ways,

and then we were just living at the lofts together.

- It was crammed with artists -- Slug Christ,

Tracy, me, Cortex, Peep, Nedarb,

Horsehead, you know, all crammed into one spot

and, you know, just creating music, man, creating history.

- I forget what that means. - Drinking off the table?

- You got to, like, get down there.

- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. - Exactly.

- That's worth a lot of money in 1950.

- That's worth, like, 10 bucks.

- You can't really spend that all in one place.

- Talk in the tip. Talk in the tip.

- All right. I'm gonna talk into the tip.

- Talk about "Hellboy." - Talk about "Hellboy"?

- Yeah, real quick. - Brief moment.

- This will drop before the...

- All right. I got Kanye on there.

- Mm-hmm. That's easy. - Yeah.

- Dude, it was, like...

There'd be a... There was a couch thing.

There was, like, this big-ass couch thing,

and, like, three people would sleep on the couch,

and then people would just pass out in chairs.

Like, it was some crazy shit.

- And it was...

Yeah, it was just, like, a big warehouse space.

Like, we... Like, no one had any rooms, you know?

Gus' shit was all in one corner,

and Ed's shit was all in one corner,

and Tracy had all his shit, you know, in one corner.

When I say, "Debauchery," I mean debauchery, like,

in the funnest sense of the word.

Like, it was just a party.

- Water. - And you'd go outside,

and it's just, like, Skid Row, like,

the purest form of Skid Row,

you know, just, like, smells like human shit and human piss,

and there's just tents everywhere.

- Like, he liked living there,

but it was definitely really hard for him because it was,

like, there's just one bathroom, a whole bunch of people,

and the floors were sticky as shit

because of the night before.

- ♪ I could be your... ♪

- ♪ Nigga, what the fuck you mean ♪

♪ I'm dunking on your team ♪

♪ You sending texts to her ♪

♪ Yeah, I'm sitting next to her ♪

- It definitely is the new punk,

and hip-hop has been the new punk ever since the '80s

because it had moved away from rock,

and punk isn't a type of music.

It's an aesthetic.

It's a energy.

It's a attitude.

Everything is kind of being homogenized to be rooted

in current trap trends, you know,

but then we have what Peep was doing

kind of interlaced between this new trap.

- ♪ If you're scared ♪

- I apparently got a Wikipedia page.

I was looking at my Wikipedia page.

The genres was, like, alternative rock, like, R and B,

hip-hop, trap, emo, pop punk,

so they don't really know what to call me.

You know what I mean? - ♪ What you love ♪

- People don't realize actually how hard it is

to take an established style of music or styles of music

and combine them together and make them be something new,

and that's what the greatest stars of the world did.

You know, you can talk about Prince, for example,

and if he's taking from the Beatles and Jimi Hendrix

and Parliament and Funkadelic and others

and mixing it together, and it becomes Prince.

It's like Lil Peep was a guy who was fascinating to me

because he was basically doing the same thing

if he was taking Green Day and My Chemical Romance

and his favorite trap and hip-hop music

and marrying those styles to create something new.

You got to kind of be a genius to be able

to do that kind of stuff and make it work, and he was.

- I mean, I've met people I thought were amazing,

and I've had instincts where I'm like,

"You're a star. You're a star," this, but this was, like,

something much more, much deeper,

and I knew that at the time.

- ♪ I always play that shit ♪

♪ You ain't getting nothing that I'm saying ♪

♪ Don't tell me you is ♪

♪ Nothing like them other motherfuckers ♪

♪ I can make you rich ♪

♪ I can make you rich, I can make you rich ♪

- Peep was becoming the new guard

of the L.A. underground scene.

- ♪ I can take you there, but, baby ♪

- It was so clear that he was gonna be,

you know, the guy on top.

- ♪ And I don't want to make you sad ♪

- Eventually we...

Josh Binder and a guy from my office

had made an agreement with him.

- Go meet with Sarah, and Sarah and I hit it off.

She's amazing person, and she's like,

"Look, I want to bring you in.

I want to partner with Peep,

and I want to bring you in as manager."

When he told us about GBC, it's like, "That's great,

but we're focused on you," and that's kind of...

There was also tension between GBC and myself

because my priority was Gus.

When he moved, everybody gravitated towards his place,

and his place, people would say all the time,

"This is the new loft."

20 % of the time, he might have used his bed.

It was, like, always, like... I'd go in.

Like, Tracy, Con, Horsehead, everybody was, like...

I'd go into his room looking for him,

and I was like, "Who the fuck is this?"

Like, it's just some random dude.

♪

- He called me, like, the next day like,

"Yo, put another sample

over that or find another Three Days Grace song,"

and I was like, "Really? Okay."

And I did it.

I found a cool one, and then I brought it to him.

I was in the room laying on the, like, futon,

a little futon they had like this, and they're recording.

I'm, like, sick, having anxiety attack

because I've been up so long,

and, like, we're just doing too much.

I'm, like, thinking in my head, like, "I'm going so hard

making so many beats."

And all of a sudden, I hear... ♪ Switchblades! ♪

I'm like, "Yo, what the fuck?"

♪ When I die, bury with me without the lights on ♪

♪ Lights off ♪

♪ Night-lights ♪

♪ Clothes off ♪

♪ Baby, I got good white ♪

♪ When I die bury me with all my ice on ♪

♪ When I die bury me without the lights on ♪

♪ Lights off ♪

♪ Night-lights ♪

♪ Clothes off ♪

♪ Baby, I got good white ♪

- When I heard that shit, I was blown away by it.

I was like, "Damn, this white dude go hard."

You know what I'm saying?

So I start doing research on him.

I'm like, "Where is he from?" Just trying to find out

some shit about it, man. You know what I'm saying?

I was just happy to see that somebody

actually stepped up to the plate and was like,

"Fuck it. I'm gonna do my shit like this."

- ♪ Cocaine ♪

♪ GothBoiClique make a ho shake ♪

♪ Black fur ♪

♪ Black coat ♪

♪ GothBoiClique in the backhoe ♪

♪ Switchblades ♪

♪ Cocaine ♪

♪ GothBoiClique till my soul take ♪

♪ Black Jeans ♪

♪ Half black hoes ♪

♪ GothBoiClique in the castle ♪

- GothBoiClique.

GothBoiClique.

- Friends forever, man.

- No, you got to get a picture

doing the same picture next to us.

- Know what I'm saying? I like this.

"The all-American reject you'll hate to love."

- You think a lot of people used to doubt you?

- I used to doubt myself.

Now I don't anymore.

- Dude, I don't think anybody realized,

like, what was happening while it was happening, you know?

And that's why, like, now I try to put the timeline

on everything that happened, and this shit is a blur to me.

- 2,500 people at the first show.

- Watching him sell out 3,000 people in Russia

with no radio record ever, never being there before,

3,000 kids singing every single fucking lyric,

headliner, no support,

none of that shit, like, insane.

- Sold out London.

Sold out Belgium.

Sold out Russia.

Sold out Berlin.

Sold out your mom.

- ♪ Cash out ♪

♪ I get on the stage ♪

♪ And I rap till I pass out ♪

♪ Hit another city and another city ♪

♪ I'm just grooving ♪

♪ I was trying to tell you I was losing ♪

♪ I was gonna tell you I'm improving ♪

♪ I done caught a vibe she was choosing ♪

♪ Got to keep my pride, I'm a general ♪

♪ Got to keep it real with some criminals ♪

♪ Got to keep my focus, I'm phenomenal ♪

- We get off the plane and totally did not expect.

There was just, like, hundreds of fans waiting for him.

I don't know how they knew what flight.

I don't know how they knew where to find us,

but they were there with signs and gifts,

and there was crying, and there was screaming,

and I was like, "Chase, is this normal?

Like, is this gonna happen a lot?"

And, like, he's like, "Yeah, probably,"

And to be honest, it did.

Everywhere we went in Russia, it became a spectacle.

- ♪ Stacks hid inside the mattress ♪

♪ Racks hid inside the mattress ♪

♪ Packs hid inside the mattress ♪

♪ Ganks hid inside the mattress ♪

♪ Vert dipping through traffic ♪

♪ I'm getting better I'm at practice ♪

♪ I'm working every day, crafting ♪

♪ I'm cool on her, I done had her ♪

♪ Bounce back with a millio ♪

♪ Hit a island like Gilligan ♪

♪ Not just a regular civilian ♪

♪ I ride for the squad, I'm a champion ♪

♪ Remember we hit up the highway ♪

♪ We got us a stash spot, remember as we touch down ♪

- We love Lil Peep.

We love...

- We stay here for 10 hours, 10 hours.

We stay here.

We love very much.

- This music in my friend's site, and I really enjoyed it.

It's really interesting, and I don't know.

When I listen to his music, I'm really enjoyed.

I like... I want to paint.

I want to do something, and it's really cool.

His music is really cool.

- ♪ Baby, make me scream ♪

♪ I would blow my brains out just for you ♪

♪ And honestly, to tell you the truth ♪

♪ I'd still blow my brains out ♪

- Oh!

- Kill it! - Kill!

- Kill the spider!

No, kill it because we're in a play booth.

Cheers.

Uh, I'm gonna hold off.

- He's on Xanax.

- It's not... I don't know if you guys know,

but you shouldn't mix Xanax and alcohol.

- It was funny because, like, kids from Kazakhstan and,

like, territories that, like, I would've never imagined

came really far away to come to that show,

and, like, that was really, like, kind of eye-opening to me

that he was more than just, like,

a guy that's big in Russia. Like, you know what I mean?

Like, kids making these long-ass bus rides

to come in and see this show,

I think that speaks volumes of, like,

where he was already at that point of his career.

- Is your biggest fan. Biggest fan.

- You guys coming to the show?

- Yes. Yes, of course.

- If you got any friends that need to get in,

we can put them on the guest list, too.

- We don't have any friends. - No?

- No. - And so far away, right?

- Yes.

- You guys are brothers? - We're all brothers.

- You're brothers? - Yeah.

- You're all brothers? - Yes.

- You guys fight a lot?

- Yeah. - Yes.

- Sometimes.

- Yeah.

- Oh, that's great.

I have a brother two years older than me.

- Yeah? Great. - Yeah. We fight a lot.

- You're excited for the show tonight?

- Yeah, oh, yeah. - Okay.

- Hey, so we're gonna go to the club

and drop the stuff off and then go from the club...

The venue is really close to the club,

so we can drop all the stuff, do a quick check.

- ♪ I see your face when I look out the window ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ I think about her every time I sniff blow ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ If you love me, hit me up on the flip phone ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ I'm dying, I don't think that my bitch know ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Bitch know I'm dying ♪

♪ I don't think that my bitch know ♪

- All right! Let's do one more!

- Yeah, yeah.

- Trying to put some cocaine in my already bleeding nostril.

- Do you have to shit?

- Yeah, this coke is gonna make me bleed.

- Oh, you're gonna have to deuce, man.

You're gonna have to deuce, man, deuce, man.

- It's gonna be a shit show tonight.

- That fucking Indian food is already bleeding

out of me, dude.

- And you... cocaine?

- ♪ Curry ♪

♪ Cocaine ♪

♪ Curry ♪

- Cigarettes make me shit, too. - You should smoke a whole...

- My hair is dead as fuck, bro.

It's fucking dead. - It feels so fucked.

- It is. It's like straw.

- It's gonna all fall out.

- Dude, it is falling out.

- Maybe you should just condition it once.

- ♪ Switchblades ♪ - I do. I do.

- And, oh, shit!

♪

♪

- What?

Everybody say, "GothBoiClique."

- GothBoiClique! - GothBoiClique!

- GothBoiClique!

- GothBoiClique! - GothBoiClique!

- Yeah!

- He believed in equality in a way

I think that he maybe struggled with the idea

that all things aren't equal, that you...

even just with the concept

that you have to rise above means you're...

All things aren't equal.

You can't be equal with your friends.

That's why he'd give away a lot of things

and allow people to share,

to live in his house and allow people to share all his stuff

and give away his money

because he believed in that concept.

- He was anxious about not being able to be enough for everyone

and that everybody just wanted so much from him.

This apartment is because of him.

He paid my rent in August, and I didn't ask,

but he knew my money was bad,

and he just... He had bought...

It was the day he bought that triple-pendant diamond chain.

- Everyone was experiencing it for the first time,

didn't understand how anything worked.

They just... Yeah, they thought that Peep had

this endless supply of money, and he has this credit card.

He can use it whenever, and I don't think

Peep understood how it worked either.

Like, I don't think Peep was conscious of the fact

that what he's spending he had to make back,

you know, but, like, no one was

because everyone was learning for the first time.

Everyone was so young.

Like, this is not a good situation of all these kids

being dependent on him like this.

Like, this is gonna end up bad.

♪

- This is the grandson of someone

that was part of leftist causes around the fucking world.

His grandfather fucking has the Medal of fucking Freedom

from the fucking Mexico City workers union.

Like, he went there and became one of them,

and it's almost kind of like what Peep did.

He came here and became one of the kids.

- He had very big plans.

You know, he said he wanted to take capitalism

out of the music industry,

not just revolutionize music as it sounds but revolutionize,

make a revolution, like, change the structure

of the power structure of who was controlling it.

He was so excited by that.

But I do think that he was kind of wrestling

with the materialism of the entertainment business,

I guess you could call it.

He came home in August, you know, saying,

"Oh, you know, and capitalism, and it's just awful,

and look at how they make these decisions about me

and the way I look, and it's just all wrong,

and I just... You know, I got to be...

These are my bros and my brothers,

and I just want to just make music,

and we all help each other, and it's a collective, Mama."

It kind of was tied to,

you know, a sense of justice that he has.

- The guilt of being... having more, more charisma,

more talent, more, you know, everything.

♪

♪ Two racks on my new shoes ♪

♪ Why the fuck I do that ♪

♪ Tell me, why the fuck do I do that ♪

♪ Two racks on some Gucci shoes ♪

♪ Why the fuck do I do that ♪

♪ Tell them why the fuck I do that ♪

♪ Who's that, Wish you were in a room ♪

♪ Why the fuck do you do that ♪

♪ Tell me, why the fuck do you do that ♪

♪ Girl, you know that I'm a die real soon ♪

♪ Why the fuck do you do that ♪

♪ Tell me, why the fuck do you do that ♪

♪ Give me a break from all this bullshit ♪

♪ She just want me for the coke drip ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Give me a break from all this bullshit ♪

♪ She just want me for the coke drip ♪

♪ Give me a break from all this bullshit ♪

♪ Give me a break ♪

- Dear Gus, believe me.

I know things about boys a mother cannot know.

She's learning it now from Oskar and you,

but I already know it, having lived through it

and learned it from Alfred.

I can tell you, I see pure gold in you.

It's not just success.

Actually, it's not success at all.

It's the good we do, the good you can do,

the good I believe you will do,

the good you don't understand now,

can't see now

but will see better and better as you get older.

There's tremendous strength in this kind of work,

the kind that moves mountains.

It's a strength that comes purely from a deep,

special kind of yearning,

a yearning for making things right, a yearning for justice.

I'm sorry about your bike being stolen.

Let's just say, without planning to do it,

we gave it for Christmas to a poor kid,

but while I'm in this world,

you're not gonna go without a real

Christmas present.

Even if it's not the same kind of little bike,

we'll get you some wheels.

Only remember, the best presents aren't things, material things,

but qualities, experiences we cannot lose.

You, your mom and Oskar and Alfred

coming to see me at Christmas was by far the best present

I could have.

I can't lose it.

It's in a better place even than my memory.

It's in the memory of my heart.

Is there any particular Johnny Cash CD you'd like?

I hope you stay warm and well.

Study hard. Be good.

Hasta febrero.

Love, your grandpa, Pack Ack.

♪

- I think there were two people.

There was Gus, and there was Lil Peep,

and I think a lot of us have that kind of duality,

but with him, it happened to have a name,

and I think he would... His nature, one side,

he would be the kid who was like,

"I want a sanctuary. I don't want to party.

I want to hang out and just be chill,"

and who was completely sweet and, you know,

just, like, an amazing human being,

and then you have this other person

that's way more flamboyant, way more reckless.

It was like this daredevil

that he would go harder than anybody else.

Everyone was doing blow or pills.

He was going to out-blow everybody.

He was just... He went hard.

- Give me that bottle. Grab that bottle.

Grab that bottle.

- What bottle, Tuck? - The Hennessy bottle.

- The fam is back. The fam is back.

The money pops, as you can see, baby.

- ♪ I don't want to die alone right now ♪

♪ But I admit I do sometimes ♪

♪ These drugs are calling me ♪

♪ Do one more line ♪

♪ Don't fall asleep ♪

♪ This is the song they played ♪

♪ When I crashed into the wall ♪

♪ This is the girl I told that ♪

♪ We could have it all ♪ - ♪ Yeah ♪

- Dude, once you become successful,

I mean, no matter, like, what field it's in,

but, I mean, especially music, it's, "What do you want?

And how much of it do you want?

Because I can have it here right now,"

and if you are the star of the party,

all anybody wants to do is give you what you want.

You can have as much of whatever.

You know? You like girls? Here you go.

You like blow? Here you go.

You like alcohol? Here you go.

- Everyone wanted to feed him drugs and, you know,

they wanted him to like them and, you know, like,

"Oh, you're gonna feel so good," whatever.

I saw people offering him drugs all day and night.

- Came with the acid, look!

- But, like, it would slow down,

and that's why it would be difficult

because, like, I would tell Chase,

"Okay, yeah, he does drugs."

But then Chase would come and be like,

"Okay, yeah," like, "You have a problem," like,

"You're an addict. You're this. You're that," like,

"Layla is telling me that you're doing drugs," and he's like,

"Okay, well, I can stop. I don't have to do drugs,"

and then, like, a week would go by.

He wouldn't do drugs.

Like, he really could stop, and he wouldn't do them,

but, like, when he did do them, it would sometimes be excessive.

- Mike is on the bed.

- Get the fuck out.

♪

- ♪ You don't even know what I've been through ♪

♪ You don't gotta like me, ya bitch do ♪

♪ Blowing up my phone like, "I miss you" ♪

♪ You know I love you by the way that I kiss you ♪

- Then we finished the tour,

the last few dates in Seattle.

Then there was, like, a day or two off,

and then there was the end L.A. show.

- Watch out, vehicle stopped on shoulder ahead.

- ♪ Fuck the flag ♪

♪

- He had been touring around the country and the world,

and I was excited to finally see him in Los Angeles after,

you know, his rise as a young independent artist,

and I think I got to the show maybe a half an hour

before he was supposed to go on,

and Chase comes over to me, and he said,

"I was thinking about canceling the show,"

and I said, "Why?"

And he goes, "'Cause I think Peep might

have taken a little too much of something,"

and I was like, "That's not good."

And all of a sudden, everybody kind of empties the backstage,

and I think there's about 5 minutes before showtime.

Chase runs and, you know,

tries to get the stage ready, and we're in the stairwell,

and it's just Peep and I, and Peep looks at me.

He goes, "I don't know if I can do this,"

and I was like... "Okay."

Um... and some guy opens the door,

and he goes, um, "It's time."

I go, "All right," and look at Peep,

and I'm fearful that he won't be able to find the stage

'cause he's disoriented.

He runs onstage.

He's able to stand.

♪

- ♪ You don't even know what I've been through ♪

♪ You don't gotta like me, ya bitch do ♪

♪ Blowing up my phone like, "I miss you" ♪

♪ You know I love you by the way that I kiss you ♪

♪ You don't even know what I've been through ♪

♪ You don't gotta like me, ya bitch do ♪

♪ Blowing up my phone like, "I miss you" ♪

- There was a lot of talk about what was gonna happen

if he wasn't able to perform.

There was talks of even calling to, like,

not make the show cancellation be on his back

but, like, calling the fire department

or reporting the venue over capacity

and having the city come and shut the show down

instead of it being canceled on our end.

- ♪ It keeps on telling me ♪

♪ Peep, leave it alone ♪

♪ I'm good on my own ♪

♪ Mama miss me at home ♪

♪ But I'm good on my own ♪

♪ Baby, I'm cold ♪

♪ Back on the road ♪

- There was a point where he, like,

disassociated with, like, the show,

and I start hitting the fog machine,

like, just, like, flood the stage with fog

and, like, Tessa was next to me,

and she had, like, a trash can in case he needed to puke.

It worried me, you know?

Like, I was like, "Yo, like, the one day

you're, like, out of my sight,

it's like things went really bad,"

and, like, I don't know what was about to happen

when he hit that weird, dazed moment.

It was really weird.

It was very unlike him.

♪

- I don't know what happened. He snapped right back into it.

- He, found... He, like, he found his way.

He mumbled through the first song and got the chorus,

and at a moment, it clicked.

♪

- ♪ Have you ever felt like... ♪

- And he killed the entire show.

After the show, all the record people are just blown away,

thinking, like, "This is the guy."

I go upstairs to say hello to him.

He goes, "I told you I could do it,"

and at that moment, I was like, "We got a problem."

- I'm sorry, man.

You know me.

- We love you! - We love you!

- He was kind of nodding off some something,

putting some ecstasy in his mouth,

just getting onstage,

and, you know, Chase is sort of like,

"Get that shit out of your mouth!"

Like, hands down his throat, like, trying to literally fish

the pill out of his mouth, you know?

And there's this sort of realization

where Peep just sort of grabbed the pill

and just ran into the bathroom, locked the door behind him,

and this was a heavy moment where it's this sort of,

"You're not my dad!"

Or this sort of, "You can't control me."

He divulged a lot of, like, very intimate, very personal things,

and I just feel like he had a crazy life,

and I think what it told me was just, like,

it's someone who almost went through some sort of,

like, ego death or something.

Like, he felt like he, like, transcended his own ego

or the battle that someone would have with their own ego

and acknowledging their own pride

and sort of all these things.

It just seemed like something had crushed that

a long time ago.

Little bit.

Uh...

it was pretty vague and pretty, um...

...pretty, uh...

...not mu-- not really.

He didn't really...

He -- he actually...

He did mention that he would tell me more down the road.

- ♪ When I was a young Peep ♪

♪ My father took me into the city ♪

♪ To see a baseball game ♪

♪ He said, "Son, when you grow up, I'll leave you ♪

♪ And then you'll make a lot of money in, like, two years" ♪

- He was the coach dad, so he coached them,

and that was really his relationship with them

was to be their coach.

I mean, I think if you ask a lot of people, they'll say,

"Yeah, he never talked about his dad."

You know, I think he was ashamed of him.

I think he may have been ashamed of the way

his father treated him.

♪

- Johan had so little respect for Gus

that he actually would talk

to his girlfriend on the phone in the car

when Gus was in the back seat.

And finally one day,

Gus went upstairs and told his mother.

- Obviously, I've never stopped thinking about

what it took for him to do that.

He's, like, 12 or 13 years old

and standing there in front of his father,

calling his father out to me,

and at that moment, from that moment on,

you can imagine his relationship with his father.

- Oskar, do you know where this tree could go?

Oskar...

♪

- Dear Gus, after the letter I sent you yesterday,

I need to write you something else

because it's been pressing me so sharp

and hard on my mind the last couple of days.

You all three, your brother, you and your mother

have been now through two very stressful years,

the collapse and end of her marriage

and the collapse and end of the only family

your brother and you ever knew.

This has to be terribly painful and confusing.

Off and on, it makes people frantic, bewildered and furious.

It's probably something you cannot talk about with anybody,

but my advice is, if you can't talk about it,

at least don't deny it or run from it.

Ask yourself whom you respect, if anybody,

and if there are any such people, write a few words,

maybe no more than a short sentence or two,

saying to yourself why you respect them,

and if you don't respect anything

or anybody including me, ask yourself why you don't.

Maybe you have good reasons.

Maybe you don't.

Maybe you don't think you need a reason.

Just think about it, not once, but over days.

One day, you and I might talk about it.

Love, your grandpa, Pack Ack.

♪

- We didn't talk about it for a long time.

He just told me he hated his dad,

doesn't really know him, like, as a person, and one day,

he mentioned something about how it fueled a lot of his lyrics.

It was bad. It definitely scarred Peep

in a way that, like, I think nobody knew about.

- That's what I'm telling you, brother.

There's some pain in this kid, and I saw it from the beginning.

And there's more to that story

that, like, is not my place to speak on,

and God knows whose place it is to speak on.

It might not be anybody's place to speak on.

- I would always tell people, like, he is not lying.

He's not making things up.

These songs are his true feelings, and this is real.

Good or bad, this is all the truth.

- Obviously you hear it in his music.

It's very, very apparent

in the lyrics that he was unhappy, right?

But spending time around him day-to-day,

that wasn't what he gave off.

He came off as very, you know,

charismatic and alive and, like, happy.

- He was gentle, lighthearted,

and honestly good-spirited all the time.

Like, I just felt good energy around him all the time.

He was never a miser or a negative person.

Just, like, light, like, fucking,

just, like, goofy as hell, like,

just funny, always joking, like, making a joke out of everything.

- Today we gonna hit up Rodeo Drive.

You know, cash the fuck out with some Louis Vuitton,

some Birkin bag, you know?

♪ Make me feel fine ♪

♪ 10 years ago, I went blind ♪

♪ I've been on my own since age 9 ♪

♪ 16 lines of blow, and I'm fine ♪

♪ Break my bones but act as my spine ♪

Chicken breast and coleslaw.

- Yeah, pizza base with nothing on it.

- I can get a pizza base.

- Are you getting creamy fruit salad?

- I can get blended... Oh, my God.

The coleslaw is blended with creamy mayonnaise.

- ♪ But they don't want that ♪

♪ They want that real shit ♪

♪ They want that drug talk ♪

♪ That I can't feel shit ♪

♪ I'm never coming home now ♪

♪ All alone now ♪

♪ Can't let my bros down ♪

♪ I feel like I'm a no one ♪

♪ That's what they told me ♪

♪ I'm gonna show you ♪

♪ Baby, I was chosen ♪

♪ I'm a motherfucking Schema boy ♪

♪ I'm a dreamer boy ♪

- Tyler.

♪ Tell me that you hate me ♪

♪ I just want to hear that, I just want to hear that ♪

- He was looking out for hella people.

Like, he looked out for, like, everyone.

Like, I felt like he was going kind of crazy.

It just seemed like

he was losing his mind for a little bit.

He just kind of realized, like...

he needs to just do him, and he did.

- He seemed uncomfortable in his own house.

- On edge.

- I mean, no seats. There's all these people.

He's standing in the kitchen as everyone is sitting on the sofa.

- It was like he didn't want us to see him that way.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

- He's written lyrics about it.

Like, you're in a room full of people,

but you're alone.

- ♪ Take care ♪

♪ Take me away from here ♪

♪ Everybody's so fake ♪

♪ Everybody's so fake, I swear ♪

♪ But I don't want to go back there ♪

♪ Everybody's so fake ♪

♪ Everybody act like they care ♪

- If people wanted to hang out, even if he was tired,

he would never say no.

He would never...

There were times when he'd be like,

"I don't want these people in my place,"

but he wouldn't tell them to leave.

I don't know.

Like, saying no to somebody to him was, like, hurting them.

He didn't want to do it.

- He told me he used to, like, cry in his wardrobe and shit

because he didn't even have a bed.

People were in his bed and so...

- Yeah, yeah, yeah. - ...he'd sit there

And cry, try not to cry too loud.

Like, he's in his wardrobe crying

just on his own, you know?

- Fuck this nigga.

He don't want to come to the studio with us, man.

- Yeah, I do, bro. - Fuck this nigga, man.

He don't want to come to the fucking studio with us.

Oh, yeah? - All right. Goddamn it!

- You don't want to come to the studio with us, huh?

- That's when I was like, "You have to get out of L.A."

I realized it was unmanageable with all these people,

and I said, "You have to get out of L.A."

- I remember, like, Dre or Goth, one of them called me

and was... They were crying.

They were like, "Oh, my God," like, "What are we gonna do?

I think Gus is going to London,"

and I was like, "What do you mean?"

They're like, "He's moving,"

like, "We all just, like, went to his house

and, like, he told us he's moving to London."

I'm like, "When is he moving?" And they're like, "Tomorrow."

And I was like, "Oh, fuck no!" Like, "You're lying," like,

"There's no way he's moving to London, like, in one day."

- ♪ Hey, man, we did not know ♪

- ♪ It's a shame that we did not know ♪

♪ It's a shame that we did not know ♪

- ♪ Can't afford to fall in love with you ♪

♪ Not today, girl ♪

♪ They say life is a movie ♪

♪ No, no, baby, mine is a picture ♪

- Tilt your hands down a little more.

Yeah, that's it,

and eyes at camera.

♪

- I mean, if you saw, like, this course of action,

it's just... It's kind of crazy.

He just had so many things coming out at all times,

and so many things around the corner,

and he truly got into a flow

where he was just rolling forward with so much.

Fashion was honestly, like, the next big thing.

He wanted to start his own clothing brand,

No Smoking.

He thought to himself, "I could design the coolest shit."

- ♪ Isn't life beautiful? ♪

♪ I think that life is beautiful ♪

- And I was like, "He's going to fashion week.

I want him to arrive like a star."

I said, "I want him to roll into fashion week."

I was like, "He's gonna be a really big star,"

and he actually was.

Everyone went crazy for him.

- There was something very innocent and childlike

in his lack of understanding

at the beginning of the fashion industry,

of designers, of photographers, of stylists.

He didn't really understand why this was all happening

and why there was such an interest in him.

Somebody doing their first fashion shoot with Mario Testino

for "V Magazine" being styled by Nicola Formichetti,

really, like, a stylist who's kind of responsible

for the careers of, like, Lady Gaga,

who at the time was the creative director for Diesel.

It was a huge deal, and so that would give him,

like, that springboard into the fashion industry.

- How is this fashion? - Oh, wow.

- This is -- this is ridiculous.

This is ridiculous.

♪

- ♪ Storming through the party like my name is El Niño ♪

♪ When I'm hangin' out drinkin' in the back of an El Camino ♪

♪ As a kid I was a skid ♪

♪ And no one knew me by name ♪

♪ I trashed my own house party 'cause nobody came ♪

♪ Well, I know I'm not the one ♪

♪ You thought you knew back in high school ♪

♪ Never going, never showing up when we had to ♪

♪ Attention that we crave, don't tell us to behave ♪

♪ I'm sick of always hearing "act your age" ♪

♪ I don't want to waste my time ♪

♪ Become another casualty of society ♪

♪ I'll never fall in line ♪

♪ Become another victim of your conformity ♪

♪ And back down ♪

♪

♪ Because you don't ♪

♪ Know us at all, we laugh when old people fall ♪

♪ But what would you expect with a conscience so small? ♪

♪ Heavy metal and mullets, it's how we were raised ♪

♪ Maiden and Priest were the gods that we praised ♪

♪ 'Cause we like having fun at other peoples expense and ♪

♪ Cutting people down is just a minor offense then ♪

♪ It's none of your concern, I guess I'll never learn ♪

♪ I'm sick of being told to wait my turn ♪

♪ I don't want to waste my time ♪

♪ Become another casualty of society ♪

♪ I'll never fall in line ♪

♪ Become another victim of your conformity ♪

♪ And back down ♪

♪

- How's your first time in Paris, mate?

- It's all good, man.

- ♪ I will come and haunt you ♪

♪ If I ever fucking die ♪

♪ I'm gonna be too fly ♪

♪ See me looking like a goddamn... ♪

- Can we get a balance-down of that?

And can you send it back to that e-mail that I sent you?

- Makonnen looked at it like this --

"I like this kid. He's cool as fuck.

Let's do this shit, and let's go hard."

They were FaceTiming me in from that fucking studio constantly.

Like, I was supposed to be there as well.

It's just that I never liked inserting myself

into these situations.

I wanted them to, like,

fucking have creative freedom in their moments.

Like, what the fuck am I gonna offer the situation?

Because I'm not fucking here. Fuck it.

- It was very surreal, and I felt with him,

I was like, "Look, if you looked like me on the outside."

You know what I'm saying? Like, on the outside

with all your tats that house this, like, "Rrr,"

it's scary.

I was like, "That's how I really am on the inside,"

and I said, "But you on the inside look kind of soft

and nice as how I look on the outside."

And you know what I'm saying? So we would just...

We would have this cool, little, you know what I'm saying,

dynamic with each other to where it's, like,

we're saying we were little brokenhearted teddy bears,

and we were, like,

repairing each other, you know, me and him.

And so, like, you know, we're making this music, right?

And so, like, this music was like,

"It's gonna heal the world, and it's gonna elevate us

into pop-star land."

- ♪ You're the only one that I want ♪

- Hello.

♪ Break my heart ♪

♪ But don't tell me I'm not doing fine ♪

♪ Because I'm doing fine ♪

♪ Let me go ♪

♪ I'm spending time ♪

♪ Not doing fine ♪

♪ But I'm doing fine ♪

- ♪ Why you acting vain for my love ♪

♪ Vain for my love ♪

♪ When you've got everything that I want ♪

Damn, that's... - If I put that out,

Sarah is gonna be like, "What did they do?"

- It was great, man.

I've never made music like that with anybody.

Like, it's just... It was never a dull session.

You know what I'm saying?

The only time we had to leave the session

is because too many people came to the session,

and I was like, "Peep, we've got to get out of here," like,

"It's just getting hectic. We're not getting no work done,"

and then, like, people... We're so nice, right?

He's... So I started to have to try to teach him, like,

"Bro, they're gonna take everything.

You have to start being like, 'No, no, no.'"

- And me and Makonnen kind of, like, fucking towards the end,

I'll be honest with you. Like, we weren't being dicks.

We weren't being haters to, like,

this whole group of friends. Like, you know what I mean?

But, like, did me and Makonnen tell him

specifically he needed to stop fucking hanging out

with everybody he was hanging out with?

To kind of take a step back

and let this, like, fucking wave get to where it was going?

Because I already saw where it was.

- I would be with him sometimes,

and some of his friends would call him

and be like, "What the fuck?"

Like, "I'm going on tour. I'm doing this,"

like, "We're coming."

Sometimes he would really cry and be like,

"I don't know how to help them. I've done everything," like,

"They're all homeless. I let them stay at my house.

I let them come in and out. I let them wear my clothes.

I buy them food."

- When we went to London, sort of him and GBC

were kind of having some sort of rift or something,

and they were kind of saying, like, a lot of negative things,

and he was feeling sad and stuff and about it, and I was like,

"A lot of people don't want you to grow without them.

You have a lot of great opportunity going on.

Your music is so real, and I know that you've been

in your pain and hurt to get this music, and this is, like,

when you do this, you're alone, right?

And all you really wanted is others around you,

and now you have everybody coming around you

for all the wrong reasons.

Your friends are gonna start saying

the worst things about you. You know what I'm saying?

The ones that you were with the longest,

and you were friends, and then they're gonna start

saying the worst things about you,

and it's gonna hurt you the most."

♪

- ♪ Bother me ♪

♪ Tell me awful things ♪

♪ You know I love it when you move that on me ♪

♪ Love it when you do that on me ♪

- I distinctly said to him,

"You know you're not just a rapper,"

and he said, "Yeah."

And I said, "You do know that in order to achieve

what you're gonna be able of achieving,

you're gonna have to leave people behind,"

and I said, "Do you understand that?"

And he said, "Yeah." He said, "I know that."

- ♪ Ahh ♪

Y'all remember?

♪

♪ Sometimes life gets fucked up ♪

♪ That's why we get fucked up ♪ - ♪ Fucked up ♪

- ♪ I can still feel your touch ♪

♪ I still do those same drugs ♪

♪ Sometimes life gets fucked up ♪

♪ That's why we get fucked up ♪ - ♪ Fucked up ♪

- ♪ I can still feel your touch ♪

♪ I still do those same drugs ♪

♪ That we used to do ♪

- When Chase reached out and was like,

"You ready for the next one?"

I was like, "Okay," you know?

Okay, because now at least

I knew a little more of what to expect,

and I was coming in a little bit more prepared,

so that was nice, um...

but it didn't matter, you know?

It didn't matter in the end because, like,

so many things got changed the week before that tour left.

- Hey, hey, hey! - They are responsible.

They are responsible. - Steve, stop.

- This is him right now.

This is the before video in case this goes tits up.

- The tour was originally supposed to be just him,

and I think he wanted to bring Tracy.

You know, that was his original plans

until everything went down, like, a week before tour.

He didn't want to tell them, "I'm leaving GBC,"

without kind of giving them a present, you know,

taking them on tour and getting them exposure.

- ♪ Somebody wake me up I'm kissing Styrofoam ♪

- It's like this perfect storm.

It's like that was happening while he and I had an issue,

and he was touring where I couldn't be close to him,

and, you know, and so that led to the situation

of having to switch tour crew, and we had a whole new crew,

and we had, like, days to do this.

We had maybe, like, three to five days.

- ♪ That ain't no hard rock ♪

♪ I love all bitches ♪

♪ Dislike Tupac ♪

- The people brought in had no fucking idea what they're doing.

L.B. was holding it down.

He was pretty much being production manager

and tour manager, and that's not his fucking job.

You know what I mean?

But he was like, "This is a nightmare.

This is the worst tour I've ever been on."

♪

- What I do, how old I am, where I'm from?

- Your name, how old are you,

where you're from, what you do.

- Okay. My name is Lil Peep.

I'm 21.

I'm from Long Island, New York.

I'm a goth boy. I'm a ladyboy.

- When did you notice GothBoiClique

starting to pop up?

- Um...

I noticed GothBoiClique started to pop up when I had

to start walking around with my shades on.

You feel me?

- What's it feel like to see kids lined

down the block to see you?

- It feels like I got to keep my shades on.

- You got to answer it differently.

- Okay. - Say, "The feeling I get

from seeing kids lined down the block."

- The feeling I get from seeing kids lined down the block

for my show is that I got to keep my shades on.

- How does it feel to have kids sing your lyrics back at you?

- When kids sing my lyrics back at me,

it reminds me that I need to keep my shades on at all times.

How... How has this tour been?

- This tour has been great.

My shades have been on the whole time.

♪

- ♪ I'm kissing Styrofoam ♪

♪ Who know what I be on ♪

♪ That's what I be on ♪

♪ She know what I be on ♪

♪ Who know what I be on ♪

♪ That's what I be on ♪

♪ Baby, move along ♪

♪ I keep moving on ♪

♪ We keep making up ♪

♪ I keep moving on ♪

♪ We keep making up ♪

♪ I keep moving on ♪

♪ We keep making up ♪

♪ I can't make it up ♪

♪ Somebody wake me up, yeah ♪

♪ Pulled up with my whole team ♪

♪ Mackned swerving in a white Beam ♪

♪ Yeah, GothBoiClique trying to stay clean ♪

♪ Yeah, GothBoiClique, we got big dreams ♪

♪ And my new bitch on a movie screen ♪

♪ And my old ♪

- You're open through your lyrics and through your music

in terms of your relationship with anxiety and, of course,

by-products and things like that like depression and such,

and this is a very important subject now

because, more than ever, we're seeing,

you know, kids and young people really suffering through this.

This is now an established part of life.

You know, how is your relationship

with that right now?

Now you're actually out on the road,

keeping yourself busy touring, making music.

Is it still a struggle for you to stay centered and stay,

you know... - Yeah, yeah, definitely.

If anything, things have gotten worse probably.

- Because of the traveling and the touring and the pressure?

- Yeah, things just get worse.

The anxiety just gets worse and worse and worse every day.

- Every time I saw him, he would cry to me,

like, every time how much he, like, wished, like,

everything could go back to normal,

and he didn't have this pressure on him,

and he wished we could just be in his room

and, like, do nothing all day like we used to,

but, like, it just, like, can't happen anymore.

- Salmon-avocado roll, tuna-avocado roll,

avocado roll, please, with extra soy sauce.

Can I have yellow sauce, please?

- By the time we get to, like, El Paso

or, like, those later dates,

me and that kid have been up every night for hour--

My sleep schedule is stupid.

Like, I don't know. I was kind of going insane.

For two months, you know, for two months,

we were, like, nonstop.

He was going so hard for everyone else.

- ♪ I was on my own ♪

♪ For the past two months ♪

♪ I haven't seen a friend's face ♪

- Friends, business, management,

he had a lot of pressure on him, you know?

Like, he's... He was just one human being,

and I think under anybody would have a problem

with dealing with all of that,

and it came from every angle. You know what I mean?

It really did come from every angle.

- Peep.

- He had a lot of kindness.

He had a very warm heart, cared about anybody,

like, you know, like, and, like,

I think people, like, were like, "Oh, because he's so kind,

I can, like, probably get his time,

or I can probably get him to do this or that or, like,

give me a feature or listen to my problems,"

and, like, he didn't have all the answers

for his own problems.

Like, how is he supposed to help all these people?

I mean, his music was, like, the most he could give them,

I feel like, and people wanted almost more.

He couldn't be everything to everyone.

You know what I mean?

♪

- Wednesday, November 15, 2017,

20:52 and 48 seconds.

- 911. What is your emergency?

- Hello?

- 911. What is the emergency?

- I need an ambulance. - Okay. What's the address?

- I'm at The Rock. I'm at a venue called The Rock.

- All right. Tell me what's going on there.

- I've got a... I work with an artist,

and he's just completely out of it.

He's cold. He's just knocked out.

I don't know what he's taken. - Okay.

- But he's completely out. - And he's awake?

- He's not awake. We're trying to wake him up,

and he's not awake at all. - Is he breathing normally?

- Not really, no. - All right.

We're getting the help sent now.

I want you get him flat on his back on the floor

with nothing under his head.

- I'm on the phone to the ambulance now.

I'm on the phone to the ambulance now, bro.

- Okay. - Okay.

Are you next to him now?

- We're in the bus. - Okay.

Can you get him just flat on the ground?

- We need to get him flat on the ground.

- If he's not breathing normally,

we need to start CPR

to keep that oxygen pumping through his blood.

- We need to get him flat on his back.

- You need to start CPR now. He's not breathing properly.

- We need to get him flat on his back...

- We need to get him doing... We need to do CPR.

- ...on the floor, on the floor,

yeah, on the floor.

- If whoever is doing it starts to get tired,

have somebody else take over.

- If she gets tired... - It can be tiring.

- If she gets tired, then fucking take over.

Have to stay on the phone. Is somebody on their way?

- They're already on their way, lights and sirens.

You tell me... - They're on their way.

- ...if they're right there.

- They're not very far away.

- Fuck.

- You don't know how to call a mother to tell her

that her son just died.

♪

So I called her,

and she had, like, woken up.

I think she said she had just gone to sleep,

and I was just like, "Liza...

I'm so sorry.

Peep has passed.

Uh, I think he O.D.'d,

but the paramedics were there,

and the cops, you know, declared him dead."

What kept going through my head is, like,

I have, you know, two babies, and I'm just, like,

putting myself in his mother's shoes,

and I'm trying to process that this kid

who I've spent the last year and a half

taking care of...

...is gone and...

- I looked at him like he's so strong to me,

and then he looks at me like I'm so strong to him,

so it was just...

You know, it's just a great...

It's like it makes you feel worth it, you know,

especially when you look up to somebody,

and you look up to somebody, and they look up to you back,

and so what you got, start feeling equal.

It's not like you're looking up to somebody, anything,

just feel...

It just feel good being accepted by another,

and so that's what me and Lil Peep had.

♪

- The reality is that Peep is like a fucking Viking

and that he probably could muscle the unimaginable.

However, he took, you know, over the lethal dose of fentanyl.

I mean, there's no fucking... That's just death.

That's, like, death for anyone who takes it, you know?

He got spiked with something that, like, was far more

than any system could take, you know?

Sort of he just got fucking killed, you know?

- I remember seeing one video as a kid in the beginning.

It was daylight still.

He was passed out, and then the second video, next scene,

it was already dark,

and he already looked like he was fucking gone.

- At least hours, like, four or five hours, go by,

and there's obviously time stamps for this, too,

so there's, like, proof that, like, four or five hours go by,

and the sun is down, and he's in the exact same position.

Like, no one decided to touch him, not one person.

- Listen. I came onto the bus,

and the first thing I always do is check on Peep,

went straight to the back of the bus.

Everybody is on the bus now having fun.

Open the door, seen him, blanket, like, light off,

first of all, air-con blowing,

which is something he does when he goes to sleep, yeah.

He's covered in a blanket,

and his head is back looking like he's knocked out.

I was under the belief here that Peep went to sleep.

- So how the fuck is there any type of motive

or any reasoning behind some type of conspiracy?

I can't even go online, my nigga.

Looking at my mom in the eyes, bro, like, every little thing

that I've ever done wrong just blown up, my nigga.

It's the most embarrassing thing, my nigga,

and especially when I know the fucking truth, you know?

And I know that this shit is just so wrong, my nigga,

and just all lies.

I'm just so paranoid.

Like, may not even be y'all doing.

I don't know how this may be flipped, you know?

What specific parts of this documentary

are gonna be planted against me and my family?

- Yeah, yeah. - You know what I mean?

It would have nothing to do with you guys.

It'll be completely out of here, bro.

You feel me?

- Yeah.

- I mean, like, after this comes out, you feel me?

Certain parts that get picked, you know what I mean,

and edited by the conspiracists and,

"Oh, this is why this happened, and this why the..."

Suck my dick, bitch, nigga.

That's why this happened, nigga.

You feel me? Fuck you, bitch, nigga.

You got me fucked up, nigga.

That's why this happened.

- Peep's death, it's a lot of mystery behind it.

What the fuck was everybody doing?

Now, I'm not sitting here pointing no fingers.

I wasn't there, so I don't know.

Hey. You need 30 minutes? Okay. Cool?

You need a hour? All right.

Little weird, but four, four hours?

I don't know, man. I don't know.

I don't know about that.

I don't know exactly what happened,

but to me, something ain't right.

I'm telling -- Look, I'm telling you right now.

Keep this in there.

Half the people that's gonna be in this documentary,

they bullshitting.

They clout chasing.

That's all it is.

You have to be aware of your surroundings

because not everybody your friends.

So I believe he was starting to wake up,

but he just couldn't

because he didn't get the opportunity to.

Everything came back full circle.

- Wait right here. - Whoo!

- ♪ I'll be back in the morning ♪

♪ I know that I'm not that important to you ♪

♪ But to me, girl, you're so much more than gorgeous ♪

♪ So much more than perfect ♪

♪ Right now, I know that I'm not really worth it ♪

♪ If you give me time, I can work on it ♪

♪ Give me some time while I work on it ♪

♪ Losing your patience, girl ♪

♪

- He did not get to have his life.

He was gonna get to really have a experience.

I think what really is heartbreaking to me, though,

is that he had endured a lot of pain,

and he had fought his way through it,

and he was...

You know, he fought his way through the pain

of his childhood, really,

and he just didn't give up.

♪

But that's why I have anger at...

That's the thing, you know?

So, like, all of this, like, you get to holding onto him

and holding onto him and then don't want to let him go.

But you definitely don't want to get...

You just don't want to let him go.

♪

- I'd had my usual day,

a couple hours at the gym in the morning

and then working hard in the afternoon,

come home about 6:30,

make my soup and go to bed

and get up at 5:00

and do my routine for the next day.

But then some point in the middle of the night,

the light went on, and Jenny, Liza's mother, came.

She has a key to the house,

um...

she came in and kind of just touched me when,

with the light, I woke up,

and she said kind of taking a breath,

"Gus is dead,"

and, uh...

that woke me up.

Um...

I don't think I'd felt anything that bad...

...um...

or so strangely bad...

...ever before.

It's just a wound that...

...I don't...

I think it heals but only in the sense

that the pain of it never really ends.

The shock of the pain subsides unevenly

because sometimes, you know, the littlest thing...

Harvard Square, I see some kid walking along the way

Gus walked in a kind of...

I don't know what kind of... how to describe it.

And just, you know, I mean, daily you...

Um...

It, uh, gets to you.

You know, everybody's life in that way

is some kind of instant in eternity,

and the good in it is just there forever.

I mean, I think Augustine got that from Plato

and from what he understood

from Greekish gospels like John...

...that these things

are... limitlessly good,

and that makes me feel

that I don't have to worry about it.

It's just true.

I mean, there's...

That gospel song that I remembered at some point

over the last few years about this little light of mine,

but the chorus is wonderful

more than the verses, I think.

It's about, "Do remember me way beyond the blue."

That's where truth is,

way beyond the blue,

but it's as real as it is here and now.

♪

So Gus is gone,

but, you know, he's way beyond the blue.

♪

The deepest significance of being in the world

but not of it,

you don't have to accept the limits of it.

And certainly Gus did.

♪

And he had work to do, and he wanted to do it

to say what he had to say,

a real bell-ringing truth.

He wanted to get it right and get it out.

♪

I think that's, you know, real art

and, more than that, real soul.

- ♪ Club lights, we fight every night ♪

♪ Baby, I don't wanna do that ♪

♪ Your type, jeans tight, dirty Sprite ♪

♪ She like, "How the fuck you do that" ♪

♪ I can't be there all the time ♪

♪ But you know I got to prove that ♪

♪ I can't leave here anytime soon ♪

♪ I got something to do, yeah ♪

♪ Walk away as the door slams ♪

♪ You got blood on your poor hands ♪

♪ I just wanted to help ♪

♪ Now I'm goin' to hell ♪

♪ Walk away as the door slams ♪

♪ You got blood on your poor hands ♪

♪ I just wanted to help ♪

♪ Now I'm goin' to hell ♪

♪ Walk away as the door slams ♪

♪

♪ Club lights, we fight every night ♪

♪ Baby, I don't wanna do that ♪

♪ Your type, jeans tight, dirty Sprite ♪

♪ She like, "How the fuck you do that" ♪

♪ I can't be there all the time ♪

♪ But you know I got to prove that ♪

♪ I can't leave here anytime soon ♪

♪ I got something to do, yeah ♪

♪ Walk away as the door slams ♪

♪ You got blood on your poor hands ♪

♪ I just wanted to help ♪

♪ Now I'm goin' to hell ♪

♪ Walk away as the door slams ♪

♪ You got blood on your poor hands ♪

♪ I just wanted to help ♪

♪ Now I'm goin' to hell ♪

♪ Walk away as the door slams ♪

♪