All language subtitles for The.Wrong.Mommy.2019.1080p.WEBRip.x264-English

♪ ♪
[ominous]

TINA: Mommy, Mommy!

Yes, I'm coming.

Can't find my sneakers.

Over by the door.

Not those. The blue ones.

Just put them on.
You're gonna be late for school.

Good.

Hey, babe, want some?

No time for such
caffeinated luxuries.

- You can drop her off, right?
- No, honey, I can't.

McNamara just moved up
our morning meeting.

No. If I'm late one more time,
I swear they are gonna...

Okay, all right, okay,
I'll figure it out.

And you can
pick her up, too, right?

Honey, we have those clients in
from out of town.

We gotta take 'em to drinks
after work.

I know. I'm so overwhelmed
with work right now,

and I don't have any time
this afternoon.

Can you call your mom?

Good idea. She loves
spending time with Tina.

I'll just give her a call.
One sec.

Okay.

[line ringing]

- CAROL: Good morning.
- Maybe for you.

I'm like one big chicken
with its head cut off.

- It's nice to feel needed.
- I do need a huge favor.

Can you pick up Tina
from school this afternoon?

Alex and I are working late.

Honey, I told you.

I'm leaving today
for a 10-day cruise.

Right, the 10-day cruise that
you definitely told me about

way in advance, so I could
schedule accordingly.

Sorry, honey.
I'm sure I told you.

No, it's great. I really...

I want you to have a good time.

Look, it's only
for 10 days, Mel.

I'm sure you'll be fine.

Or it'll be the death of me.

[chuckles] Well, I'll call you
the minute I get back,

if I come back.

Hey.

Okay, yeah, I gotta go, Mom.
Love you.

Bye.

Okay, you know what?
I will make it work.

I'll figure it out.
Don't worry about it, okay?

- You're the best.
- Okay.

All right, kiddo!
Come on, we gotta go.

School.

- MEL: Wait, hold the door!
- Oh, here's Mommy.

Let's go.

ALEX: See you tonight, honey.
Have a great day.

MELANIE: You too.
Thanks again.

ALEX: No problem.

[engine starts]

[car door closes]

[engine starts]

Shoot.

DELORES: Morning, Melanie.

Morning, Delores.

Traffic again?

I take it she's already in.

And looking for you.

What about?

That's above my pay grade.

Mine too.

Did I miss anything?

She's looking for you.

So said Delores.

And I heard she just let
two people go from creative.

What? I didn't know
they were making cutbacks.

Me either.

You may have picked
the wrong day to be late.

Did Samantha say
what she wanted?

SAMANTHA OVER P.A.: Melanie,
please see me in my office.

[sighs]
Send thoughts and prayers.

Good luck.

Sorry I'm late, Mrs. Reynolds.
It was one of those mornings.

But that's not why
you called me in here.

Have a seat.

Oh, my God. Am I getting...

Promoted? Yes.

Promoted? Promoted to what?

You are now joining our team
of A-1 account executives.

That sounds like...

A dream come true?

It... It sounds... exhausting.

I'm barely keeping work
and family together as it is.

That's why I'm 10 minutes late
half the time.

Life is about balance,

and you'll have an assistant
to help you find it.

I want you to call
Cindy Jackson in HR.

She has a pool of résumés.

You'll start interviewing
candidates Monday morning.

Get yourself a go-getter
and bring 'em onboard.

This is amazing.

But I have to ask.

Why me?

Why not you?

May I help you with something?

Uh, yes, I think I'm lost.

This isn't the HR department,
is it?

I'm looking for Cindy Jackson.

Upstairs, I believe.

Thank you.

You're doing
an excellent job, Melanie.

The staff loves you,
clients loves you.

You're smart, witty.

You're a perfect combination
between clients and creative.

Thank you, Mrs. Reynolds.

It's Samantha.
Sam's fine too.

And, Melanie,
no more 10 minutes late.

Absolutely, Mrs. Reynolds.
Samantha.

- Hmm?
- Sam.

- Mm-hmm.
- I'm just gonna go.

Okay.

So I get my own office
and everything?

Well, you're taking over
Bill Parker's old list,

so you get his old office.

It's got a real sweet view.
Congratulations.

I'm not gonna let you down.

You better not.
One more thing.

Are you still friends with
Barb Rodrick, the CO at Yowsers?

Yeah. She was my roommate
in college.

Smart lady. I hear that they're
looking for a new ad agency.

The Amazon for Toys would be
great for us, don't you think?

Yeah.

Any way that you could get us
a pitch meeting?

Sure, yeah,
I'll get right on that.

Excellent. Keep me posted.

- Hey, morning.
- Morning, Mel.

[line ringing]

- It's Alex. Leave a message.
- [beep]

Alex, call me back.

You're never gonna believe
what just happened.

[line ringing]

RECEPTIONIST: Yowsers.
May I help you?

- Hi. Barbara Rodrick, please.
- Just one moment.

Oh, there she is!

The new account executive
at the Reynolds Group.

Yeah!

And she's my wife.

- Congratulations.
- Thank you.

That is so awesome.
It is.

But?

- Nothing.
- What?

No, it's just
with our schedules,

we're barely pulling it off
as it is now.

I know.

So how are we gonna do this?

Well, they're giving me
an assistant,

so that'll help me
stay more organized.

Oh, an assistant!
Look at you, hotshot.

No, I don't even know
what I'm doing,

but what I've got to do
is get somebody

who knows what I need
before I even know I need it.

Well, I do know
that I am so proud of you

and kinda turned on.

You're always turned on.

No hickies. I have to interview
candidates tomorrow.

I know, I know. I'm trying
to be your top candidate.

I might have a job for you.

So tell me a little bit
about yourself.

Well, I'm definitely
a self-starter.

At my last job, I was the first
one in, the last one to leave.

So I'm more of a Type-A,

so you don't have to tell me
to do anything twice.

Okay. Full disclosure,

and I don't even know if
I'm allowed to be asking this,

but you wouldn't have a problem
assisting a woman, would you?

Oh, no, of course not.

No, I actually have
four sisters.

Four? Wow.
I'm an only child, so...

Yeah, I really love
having sisters.

I think if I had brothers,
I would miss out on a lot.

Like what?

Grace.

Yeah, I think that's hard
to find in a pubescent boy.

Yeah, I can see that.

- [ding]
- [elevator doors close]

Hello. I'm Phoebe Sutton.

I'm here to interview for
the account assistant position.

Uh, do you have an appointment?

Cindy Jackson called me,
personally.

Well, unfortunately,
no one called me.

I'm sorry there won't be time
to squeeze you in today,

I'll call Cindy
and let her know.

What are you doing?

Saving this company
from making a huge mistake.

Do you see the brunette woman
to my right?

Don't be obvious.

Lisa Blanchard?
What about her?

Oh, just that maybe
she's a raging meth addict.

How do you know that?

Look, I used to work
with her brother Larry, okay?

She basically destroyed
the whole family.

I mean, unless implosion's
the type of thing

you guys are looking for
in an employee

to bring to the company.

Have a seat.
I believe a slot just opened up.

Great.

MELANIE:
So a little bit about us,

The Reynolds Group
is a mid-level agency,

but Samantha likes to think
like the big dogs.

We've got a ton
of local accounts,

but we're always looking
for national advertisers.

Of course you are.

If I can ask, what happened
to your last assistant?

Well, if I hire you,
you'd be my first.

I just got the promotion
last week.

Virgin executive. Wow.

Feeling a little overwhelmed
or what?

I should probably say no...

But the reality is
you're freaking out inside.

Like you don't know
what you're doing,

and you're terrified everyone's
gonna find out any minute.

Yeah.

Don't worry.
That's why I'm here.

And I see by that gorgeous ring
you are married.

Yeah.

Do you have any kids?

Oh, yeah, Tina. She's seven.

Oh, my God. Stunning.

Her mommy must be so proud.

What about you?
Do you have any family?

None to speak of.

My parents died
when I was a kid.

It's just me.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

My dad died
when I was a kid too.

So you get it.

It's nice to meet
someone who understands.

I'd really love
to have kids one day.

So I am...
I'm new to this whole thing,

but why don't you just tell me
a little bit about yourself?

Uh, sure.

I'd say I'm all about
female empowerment.

Me Too, job equality,
all of that.

But I am also about being
brave enough to ask for help

when you need it.

Women taking care
of other women.

For some reason, we can't stop
tearing each other down

when the fact is, we're the
majority in this country.

What do you think would happen
if we all got together one day?

We'd rule everything.

And if you hire me,
that's exactly what I'll do.

What's that?

Take care of you.

I'll have exactly what you need

before you even know
you needed it.

Do you have
any other questions for me?

Well, there is something.

You can say it.

You're slightly older than
some of the other candidates.

Is that a problem for you?

I don't know. I haven't really
thought about it.

Do you want to know
what I think?

Please.

Having someone with
a little bit more experience

is exactly what
a first-time executive needs.

It balances out the greenness
with an extra touch of know-how.

Just think of me as a sister.

I know who I want.

Phoebe Sutton.

Decisive. Good job.

Yeah, I don't know.

I just have this
great feeling about her.

Well, I hope you chose wisely,
Melanie.

This Phoebe will pretty much
be taking over your life,

and there is nothing that
makes life more miserable

than the wrong assistant.

I know she's gonna kill it.

Okay, well, with you moving up,

we're going to need another
assistant as a floater.

Was there anyone else you liked?

Uh, Jason Lipp.
He was pretty good.

Okay, done.

I'll have HR check his records.

You've had hers checked, right?

Of course, yeah.

Good.

[line ringing]

WOMAN: Hello?

Hi, is this Kellyanne Darcy?

Yeah.

Hi. I'm Melanie Anderson.

I'm calling about
a Phoebe Sutton.

She has you as a reference
on her résumé.

Her only work reference.

That's 'cause I'm the only boss
she's ever had.

She worked for me
for 12 years or something.

Oh, well, I'm considering
being her second.

You should. She's great.

Whatever you need,
Phoebe's got you.

And whenever things
get hectic at home,

she'll make sure that
you're on time and ready.

Thank you.
That's very helpful.

Are you happy?

Not yet.

[ringing]

This is Phoebe.

Hi, Phoebe.
It's Melanie.

Melanie! I know you said
you'd let me know soon,

but this is ridiculous.

I know what I want
when I see it.

Me too.

So does this mean...

Do you want the job?

Do you even have to ask?
Of course I do.

Thank you.
I would have told you sooner,

but I had to check
your reference first.

Oh, checking up on me.
Good for you.

Kellyanne couldn't say
enough good things about you.

Well, she is the best.

So I'll see you in the office
tomorrow morning, 9 a.m.?

9 a.m.? Please.
I will be there at 8:30.

[chuckles]
Thank you again.

I'm really looking forward
to working with you.

Bye.

Bye.

Now I'm happy.

[ding]

Good morning.
Roger Kirkland, right?

You know who I am.

Of course.
You're one of Bill's clients.

You, um...

Own Kirkland Auto,

third largest dealership
in the country.

Whoo-hoo! Hallelujah.

Samantha finally hired
someone with a decent memory.

So listen, I don't know
if you're in the market

for a new vehicle...

Oh, I am always looking
for a new ride.

ROGER: I could put together a
package on a tasty little lease.

Let me know
if you are interested.

Phoebe.

You know, you remind me
of someone I used to know.

You're telling me
there's another guy out there

as handsome and worldy as I am?

[laughs]

Hello, everyone.

Roger, I see that
you've met Melanie.

She'll be taking
over Bill's desk,

and Phoebe here
will be assisting.

Ah! Lucky me.

I'm really looking forward
to working together.

Nice to meet you.

Mm-hmm. It was a pleasure
to meet you.

- I'll see you in my office?
- Mm-hmm. Excuse me.

So have you talked
to that friend of yours?

I'm working on it.

Work harder.

Last but not least,
we have Susan Gladwell

at Wellness Yoga.

She has two locations downtown.

Namaste.

I think that's it.

I'm gonna call everyone tomorrow
and introduce myself.

You should probably
do the same at some point.

Oh, I already did that.

- You spoke with all of them?
- Mm-hmm.

[scoffs]
I...

I really wish
you would have waited.

Well, you wanted me
to be proactive.

Don't worry. I went on and on
about how wonderful you are.

Yeah, well, except to
Barbara Rodrick at Yowsers.

I couldn't get ahold of her.

Yeah, I haven't been able
to reach her either.

Okay, well, I will
make a spreadsheet

of all of these names tomorrow.

Thanks.

You really are
doing a great job.

Namaste.

Oh, can I talk to you
for a second before you go?

Sure, what's up?

[sighs]
It's about this morning.

Roger Kirkland.

What about it?

Little heavy on the flirting,
don't you think?

I was just being nice.

Yeah, well, I don't want people
to get the wrong impression.

What are you suggesting,
that I'd sleep with a client?

No! I think it was
a little inappropriate.

[chuckles] Well, I am sorry
for being so inappropriate

on my first day.

I'm sorry.

You're right.
Of course you're right.

It doesn't take much
to give men the wrong idea.

I will be more aware of it
from now on, I promise.

Thank you.

[phone ringing]

Oh!

Barbara, thanks for calling.

I'll always have time
for my old roomie.

Excuse me. Old?

[laughs]
Okay, more like old school.

- How are you?
- I'm great.

Are you up for
grabbing a drink soon?

I'd love to catch up.

Yeah, me as well.

Call my assistant, set it up.

Yeah, well,
I'm at Reynolds Group now,

so I can just have my assistant
reach out to yours.

Nice, great, look forward to it.

Okay, talk to you soon. Bye.

Sounds like
Barbara called you back.

Yeah, she's actually
a friend of mine from college.

And Samantha keeps telling me
to reach out to her.

Guess I'm making a play
for her company.

Guessing is for game shows.

You are getting that account.

Come on, say it out loud.

Come on, no.

Hey, you put it out
in the universe,

you give it a chance
to enter your world.

Go on, say it.

I am getting that account.

Great. Sounds like I've
got a meeting to set up.

No, you can do it tomorrow.
It's late.

I'm gonna head home.

Hey, do you wanna grab a drink?

Thanks for the invite, but I
gotta head home to my family.

Come on, Mel.
It's healthy to have a cocktail

with the people
you work closely with.

You never know what you
might learn about them.

Plus, we definitely
have to celebrate

that phone call from Yowsers.

All right, sure.
Yeah, let's do it.

Okay!

Okay, so be honest.
How did I do today?

Aside from the flirty banter,
I think it went really well.

And trust me,
you're not the first girl

Roger's come on to
at the office.

Oh, God, men are such dogs.

Okay, what was that look?

[laughs]

Nothing. It was just
old college stuff.

Ah! Now you gotta tell me.

Come on, Mel,
if this is gonna work,

you have to trust me.

Who am I gonna tell?

Okay, you know my friend
at Yowsers?

Barbara Rodrick, yes.

This is so silly, I...

I made out once with
her boyfriend at the time.

Joe... Can't even remember
his last name.

Barbara never found out,
thank God.

Ancient history, right?

What happens in college,
stays in college.

Hey, Mel, I have your back.

You can trust me.

We should get out of here.

I'm gonna go
to the ladies' room.

Okay.

Got room for one more?

- Mom!
- Hey, baby.

So how was it? How was drinks
with your assistant?

Great. I think it's gonna
work out really nicely.

[doorbell rings]

I'll get it.

You expecting someone?

- No, but maybe you should...
- Yeah.

[door opens]

Honey, you got a visitor.

Hey, what are you doing here?

Found this near your car
when you pulled away.

- You did?
- Must have fallen out.

I would have called it,

but clearly that
wouldn't have helped.

so I thought I'd just swing by
and drop it off.

I swear I have had
post-pregnancy brain

ever since this one was born.

Thank you for bringing it.

Of course.
I'm just glad I could help.

Do you work with my mommy?

I sure do. I'm Phoebe.
What's your name?

Tina Anderson.

It's very nice to meet you,
Tina Anderson.

[laughs]

This is my husband Alex.

- Hi.
- Don't worry.

I'm not gonna
tickle your belly too.

Well, unless you ask nicely.

You didn't tell me
she was funny.

All right, well,
I should be going.

Stay! You can play with us.

No, I've gotta skedaddle,

but I am sure
I will see you very soon.

- I'll walk you out.
- Yeah, okay.

- Bye.
- Bye.

Come on, let's get back
to the game.

Do you know how lucky you are?

You've got a beautiful family,
great career.

You've got it all.

Yeah, I guess I am pretty lucky.

You should remember that.

Because when life
comes down on you

hard like it does,

luck is far more important to
survival than talent ever was.

God knows I never had any.

Are you okay?

Yeah.

See you in the morning, boss.

All right.

I like her, Mommy.

I think Daddy does too.

All right, come on, who's up?

Oh, Mommy's up.

So what do you
really think of her?

Who?

Phoebe, as if you didn't know.

Oh. Well...

She was nice.
Tina seemed to like her.

You seemed a little more
focused at work this week.

Yeah, I feel more focused.
She is so organized.

And fast, friendly.

- Maybe a little too friendly.
- [laughs]

Yeah, she's a bit
of a flirt, huh?

How could you tell?

[chuckles]

Enough...

about Phoebe.

Good night.

I'm sorry, babe.

This week's just kicked my ass.

But at least I'm making
more money, right?

Yeah. Even more than me.

Not that much more.

It just means more for Tina.

That's why we do
any of this, right?

You're right, you're right.

And you have a big day tomorrow,
so get some sleep, okay?

Okay.

♪ ♪
[ominous]

So, my people,
I have a new advancement plan

for company employees that
I'd like to tell you all about.

Now, if you're curious about
whether I promote from within,

just ask your friend
and ex-cohort Melanie.

She's in the big office
down the hall.

What would you like me to do?

What I want you to do,

what I want all of you to do

is to go forth and bring back
some new business.

You know, get out there,
shake the trees a little,

see what falls out.

Bonuses for anything
that sticks.

And, people, I want you
to keep in mind,

I'm keeping score.

Let's get to it.

One decaf.

I told you
she'd be doing it again.

You did.

So how many names
have you pulled together?

Got a list of
a dozen companies or so,

all itching to make a move.

Been putting out the list
for months.

I'll start hitting them up
next week.

- If we go...
- Uh...

Sorry. I didn't mean
to interrupt.

Mel, these documents
need your signature.

- Sure.
- I'll leave them on your desk.

Mm-hmm.

See you out there, girl.

[scoffs]

Mel.

Oh, my God.
Do you actually like her?

She gives me a bad vibe.

Everyone gives you a bad vibe.

Remember that temp you said
smells like spoiled milk?

Whatever!
Look, I don't trust her.

Don't worry about Phoebe, okay?
Just focus on you.

Eyes on the prize.

If you take in even half
of the names on that list,

maybe you could have one of
these offices next quarter.

That's true.

Really? What did she say?

The flu?
[groans]

Who doesn't get
that stupid shot?

All right, all right,
I'll deal with it.

I'll see you at home.

Hey, what's wrong?

Ashley Ruskin.

- She's a client?
- No, she's our babysitter.

She just canceled at the last
minute because she has the flu.

Can you believe that?

It's our anniversary today.

Alex was gonna take me
to Julian's tonight.

First of all, happy anniversary.

- Second, I'd love to.
- Love to what?

Babysit Tina.
She's super chill. It'll be fun.

That's not your job.

I don't wanna be
one of those kind of bosses.

What kind of boss?

The kind that makes you feel
like you can get ahead

by helping out
outside the office.

I hated that
when I was in your seat.

Okay, first of all, you're not.

No, come on.
What else am I doing?

Women helping other women,
remember?

7:00 okay?

[sighs] That would be perfect.
Thank you.

You don't have to keep
thanking me, Mel.

It's what I'm here for.

[beeps]

[phone chimes]

Ugh.

[doorbell rings]

Hi!

Well, hello down there.

It's my birthday tomorrow.

It is?

We're having a party.

- You are?
- Hey, Phoebe.

Thanks again
for helping us with Tina.

Looks like that's not all
you need help with.

Here you go.

Wow. You really know
what you're doing with that.

Ties are easy.

Guys are hard.

[chuckles, groans]

- You okay?
- No.

I've had this knot in my neck
for like a week now.

Do you see these hands?
These hands heal.

Turn around.

Come on.

Oh, yeah.
You ain't kidding. Wow.

Oh, yeah, wow.

Oh! Swanky-swanky.

Thank you again.
You're such a lifesaver.

Now, you do what Phoebe says,
okay? Be good.

We'll be back in a few hours.

Oh, take your time.
We got this, right?

Yeah!

Okay, well, I will go
get the car started.

Thanks again, Phoebe.

You know, it's just so crazy.

What is?

Some people really do
have it all.

Anniversary dinner tonight
with your handsome husband,

your beautiful little girl's
birthday party tomorrow.

You're a fortunate lady.

Have fun, boss.

Thanks.
Call me with any problems.

Mm-hmm.

[door closes]

Screw it.
I'm getting the primavera.

I don't even care.

Well, I did read
that anniversary calories

are half the regular ones, so...

Ooh, good, 'cause I'm already
eyeing the soufflé.

Oh.

♪ ♪
[soft piano]

This is nice.

It is. When's the last time
we came here?

Uh, probably last year
for our sixth anniversary.

That's right.
I got Mom to watch Tina.

Right, and now your assistant
is watching her.

Perks of being the big earner
in the family, I guess.

Seriously?

I'm sorry.

To us.

See, this is why I married you.

You're wise beyond your gender.

To us.

PHOEBE: And the princess
gets her prince again.

I'm a princess.

You are?

Got a little boyfriend
at school?

You like someone?
You can tell me.

What's his name?

Jimmy Randall.

Jimmy Randall, huh?

Well, just remember, little one,
life is not a kiddie movie.

No, some people never get
their happily ever after.

They get screwed
really early on in life,

and it just keeps happening.

Don't listen to me.
What am I saying?

I'm just being silly.

Are you sleepy, baby?

Uh-huh.
Good night, Phoebe.

Good night, little one.

Mommy's here.

Well, it sounds like
things with Phoebe

are going better and better.

Yeah, I don't know about that.

What do you mean?
I thought it was going great.

The girl's a flirt.

Everybody in the office
thinks so.

Didn't notice, huh?

She is friendly.
What can I say?

Maybe you could say,
"I can tie my own tie, thanks.

And while you're at it,
maybe don't massage my shoulders

before I go out with my wife to
celebrate our blessed marriage."

Honey, I think you know
you can trust me by now.

I know, but...

men are stupid.

Great.

Now I'm stupid.

Nice.

No!

I'm being stupid.

I don't want to let her
ruin our night.

She's doing us a favor.

I'm sorry.

♪ ♪
[ominous]

We're back. Phoebe?

Where is she?

Phoebe.

Hey, there!

You scared me.

I didn't mean
to scare you, boss.

- So how did it go?
- Oh, she is an angel.

I just checked on her.
Out like a light.

So how was the big dinner?

- It was good.
- Great.

All right, well, I should leave
you two lovebirds alone.

You know,
anniversary sex and all.

[clicks tongue, laughs]

Oh, Tina's party
is probably gonna be amazing,

and she kind of invited me.

Oh, well, you should come then.

I mean, if it's not a problem.

No, you should come.

I'd love to.

I have a few stops to make
over the weekend, but yeah.

Well, I guess
we'll see you there.

Bye.

Bye.

[sighs]

Why... Why didn't you
ask me first?

What was I supposed to say?
Tina invited her.

I don't know, but it seems like
that woman is always around us.

I think it's important to have
boundaries with your employees.

Yeah, so what's she doing here
in the first place?

Come on, you said so yourself.
She did us a big favor tonight.

Well, maybe she'll do you
another favor tomorrow.

Help you button your shirt.

Really?

[scoffs]

Happy anniversary.

[phone ringing]

Well, hey, you.

Hey, did you get my text?

The one about your package?

That's the one.
Want a little sneak preview?

Sure, hit me.

You've done this before.
I knew it.

Okay, here we go.

[phone chimes]

Wow. That's some package.

[laughs]

Okay, your turn.

Where are you at right now?

PHOEBE: Roger, where are you?

ROGER: Back here!

Mmm! Look at you.

What's with the gloves?

I don't know.
I think they're kinda sexy.

You don't like 'em.

No I do, I do, I do, yeah.

And the coat too.
Mm-mm-mm!

What you got hiding under there?

Wouldn't you like to know.

Play fair.
I showed you mine.

Yeah, you did.

Not exactly the package
I was expecting.

Oh, disappointed?

That's not what I said.

So how often do you do it?

Do what?

Send out unsolicited pictures
of your junk.

I wouldn't exactly call it
"unsolicited."

I mean, you are sitting here
in my office.

Ah, so that means I've accepted
an invitation for sex.

If the pic is a fit,
you must sit.

[chuckles]

Do you have any others?

Other pictures?

Maybe.

Pull 'em up.

Why don't I just pull it out?

[laughs]

Because a real woman
likes to be teased.

God, you're twisted.
I love that.

You're just like me.
Okay, dim those lights and...

[typing]

come have a look.

Mmm.

Ooh, that is a nice one.

Took me some time
to get the angle just right.

Look at the shadow on the left
right there.

God, you do remind me
of a guy I used to know.

You said that before.

Who are you talking about,
an old boyfriend?

No, just a foster father
I used to have.

A father? And he showed you
pics like this?

Not just pics.

[gagging]

♪ ♪
[merry]

[laughter]

Oh! Oh!

Oh, awesome. Thank you.

You okay?

I'm exhausted.

Remember that nightmare
I told you about?

Well, I barely slept.

Still don't wanna talk about it?

Forget it.
It was just a bad dream.

Oh, she showed.

Wow! What a fun party.

Lucky again.

Thank you guys so much
for inviting me.

Oh, yo! Uh, excuse me.

Hey, where are you off to?

I'm gonna go grab
some more snacks.

These maniacs
can really chow down, huh?

You are such a loving father.
I love that about you.

Thank you.

TINA: Phoebe!

Princess Tina!

Happy birthday.

What'd you get me?

Well, I just heard
about your party,

but which one is Jimmy Randall?

Come on.

Hi.

I don't know how you do it.

I work part time
with Dr. Kreshner,

and I can barely
keep up with Jimmy.

I mean, the sports alone.

I got an assistant at work,
so that's helped.

And Phoebe's been incredible.

Hey, honey, what's wrong?

I wanna go home!

Why? What happened?

Nothing!
I-I-I just wanna go, okay?

Uh, sure.

Okay. See ya, Melanie.

Feel better.

Come on.
[giggling]

Where have you two been?

Phoebe was just giving me
my gift.

Oh, yeah? What's that?

- My first kiss!
- Her first kiss.

It was so cute.

Wait, wait, wait, back up.
What happened?

Oh, relax.
Tina likes a boy,

so I asked him
to give her a birthday kiss.

Relax?

Jimmy looked shell-shocked.

Okay, I may have insisted
a little.

Tina, why don't you go play
with your friends, okay?

But I wanna stay here.

Are you out of your mind?

Why would you have
that little boy kiss her?

No, it was a peck on the cheek.

Come on. I just wanted
to make her day special.

Well, I'm her mother.
That's my job.

Yeah, and it's my job
to help you.

I think you should go.

Wow. Are you firing me?

No, but this is just...

This is inappropriate.

Okay, I'll see you in the
office on Monday morning,

but from now on, I think
we should just keep this

from nine to five.

Whatever you say, boss.

Ah!

Where's Phoebe going?

Oh, look, it's
the lonely assistants club.

What are you doing here?

I was invited.

Then why are you
leaving so soon?

Hi!

- Thanks for coming.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hey, what was Phoebe doing here?

Oh, teaching my daughter

about the birds and the bees,
apparently.

What?

I don't wanna talk about it.

You should go say hi to Tina.

Yes. Oh, my God.
Almost forgot.

Did you hear about
Roger Kirkland?

No.

Come here.

What's the news?

He's dead.

What?

Yeah. Found out this morning.

And here's the craziest part.

You know that whole
autoerotic...

What's the word?

Asphyxiation.

Yeah.

Is that when they...

Yeah.

While they're...

- Yeah.
- Mm-hmm.

Oh, my God.
How does that even work?

Sometimes guys
will hang themselves

from something shorter
than them,

like a doorknob,

so they can stand up
before it's too late.

But the lack of oxygen
screws them up,

and they pass out...
and die.

So I've heard.

Okay, anyways, um,

that's what the cops
think happened.

In any case,
looks like your assistant's

gonna have to find someone else
to bat her eyes at.

[ding]

Traffic again?

What do you mean?
I'm on time.

Everyone's been
in the conference area

for 10 minutes already.

Oh, my God.

Sorry.

As I was saying,

last week I gave the assistants
a chance to step up,

and I am proud to say
that someone did.

Phoebe, stand up for me.

While the rest of you
relished your time off,

this weekend warrior
brought us in

six new potential clients.

Seven, actually.

Seven!
Well, I stand corrected.

And I'm impressed.

What businesses?

Let's see what we got.

We have Pat's Tavern.

Uppercut Boxing Gym.
Phoebe?

Crave Cafe, the Public Library,

and a few other surprises.

The rest of you would do well to
follow this young lady's lead.

And you could learn a little
something about hustling

from your assistant.

Apparently.

So what's the latest
with Yowsers?

Well, I... You know, I'm...

Melanie, I want that contract.

I'm on it, Sam.

Good, 'cause thing are moving
pretty quickly around here,

and you were late again.

Back to work!

My office. Now!

[sighs]

Hey, boss.

You didn't get my text message

about the meeting
being moved up?

No, I didn't.

That's odd.

Yeah, a lot of
really odds things

have been happening lately.

What is that supposed to mean?

You stole my list, bitch!

Those were my leads!

Oh, poor Laura.

Haven't you ever
heard the expression

"dog eat dog?"

So you're not even
gonna bother denying it.

Deny what?

The big boss
asked us to do a job,

and I admit
I went out and did it.

It's called Darwinism.

Don't hate. Appreciate.

You hired her.
I blame you.

Listen, Mel...

You're fired.

[laughs]

You think that's funny?

Uh, you just heard Sam.

And you just heard me.

What you did
was not only unethical,

it was cheap.

I didn't like it,
and neither will Sam.

Hmm. Should we go ask her?

You don't get
to decide anything.

Get your stuff and leave.

And don't go whining to Sam.

You don't work here anymore.

I know what this
is really about.

You don't like
that your daughter

likes me more than you.

And I could have Alex

wrapped around
this little finger so fast,

it would make your head spin.

Other parts of me too.

Urrgh! What is your problem?

My problem is you don't
appreciate what you have.

You want me to call security?

Don't bother, Mel.

See you around.

If I do, I'm calling the cops!

Ooh.

I have to
tell you something, Sam.

What a coincidence.
I have something to tell you.

You need to get
on your game, Melanie.

Honestly, the best thing that
you've done since your promotion

was hiring Phoebe.

She told me that she was the one

that set up your meeting
with Yowsers tomorrow morning.

She did.

Good.

Don't blow it.

Anything else?

No.

You all right?

You barely said two words
to me last night.

Now you're tripping all over
yourself this morning.

I've got a breakfast meeting,

and it's really important,
and I can't be late.

I thought Phoebe was supposed
to sort that stuff out for you.

Well, I fired her yesterday,
so now I'm kind of on my own.

Wait, what? You fired her?

You didn't tell me about it?

I don't have time to talk
about this right now,

I need to find my purse.

Okay, all right.
I'll get out of your way.

Hey, Mel.

[sighs]

Barbara!

Uh...

Long time no see.

What do you want, Melanie?

Just want to catch up.

Yeah, right.
Just get to it.

Well, you know I'm with
the Reynolds Group.

Mm-hmm.

I just thought maybe we could
come in and pitch you guys.

Old school, right?

Old school.

You mean like back in the day,
that kind of thing?

Sure.

Like the time you made out
with Joel behind my back?

Barbara...

I got a call on my way here,
heard all about it.

You know, I couldn't be sure
it was true

until I saw your face.

Phoebe called you.

"Ancient history."
That's what you said?

Like that makes it all okay?

It was just a kiss.

I trusted you
with my boyfriend then,

and you screwed me.

Why would I trust you
with my business now?

Barbara.

I have some bad news, Sam.

What are you doing here?
I fired you.

And who are you to do that?

Her boss.

Last time I checked,
I was yours.

So what's this bad news anyway?

Let me guess.
The Yowsers account?

Your friend Barbara called,

said that she wants
to hear our pitch

anytime that we want to come in,

under one condition:

that you're nowhere
near the account.

So I'll take it from here,
with Phoebe's help.

Barbara specially
requested her on this,

said she trusts her.

She trusts her?
Are you kidding me?

You don't know who she is, Sam.
She's a liar.

She stole that list.

Those were Laura's contacts.

Is that true?

Early bird gets the worm.

Yeah, it does.

Okay, so you don't care
that she has zero ethics.

But it's not just that.
She is invading my life.

What are you talking about?

She flirts with my husband,

she screws with my kid's head,

and then this morning, look!

This is what I find.

What's that?

A camera in my bedroom!

Were you watching us?

Calm down, Melanie.

She's twisted!
You tell her right now.

You tell her what you did.

Well, what about
what you've done?

What are you talking about?

You should know we frown upon
too much contact

outside the office
with our assistants.

No, she came
to a birthday party.

That's not what I mean,
and I quote,

"I don't want to be
one of those bosses

that makes you feel
that you can get ahead

by offering too much help
outside the office."

And I don't.

Then why did you ask her
to babysit your daughter?

I didn't.

You didn't?

You volunteered.

See, no, that's not
how I remember it.

I was thinking I was gonna
lose my job if I said no.

Oh, my God, you are so full of...

And now you're accusing me of
planting cameras in your house.

Are you hearing this?

Melanie, I'm beginning to think

that you just don't understand
the boundaries that exist

on the executive level.

I'm beginning to wonder
if I promoted the wrong person.

Maybe you should take
the rest of the day off,

give us both a little time
to think about your future here.

Follow me.

I can't believe
you told Barbara.

You're the one that kissed
her boyfriend, not me.

Don't you remember
that whole dog-eat-dog thing

I schooled Laura on?

You should have been
paying attention.

But what you really need
to remember

is what I told you before.

Some people just don't deserve
what they have,

and they never will.

But you know the one thing
you all have in common?

You never think there's a chance
it can all be taken away.

Shouldn't you be
heading home, Mommy?

Screw you.

See, if I were you,

I'd try screwing Alex
for a change.

So you did
put the camera in there.

I'm not saying that.

I'm just saying I haven't seen
a guy need it that bad

since freshman year
of high school.

[door closes]

What happened?

I'm going home.

What do you mean? Why?

Ask the new girl.

LAURA: I know what you are.

And how do you know that?

'Cause I'm good
at spotting snakes.

Are you now?

Mm.

And what are you good at?

Cyber forensics.

I was a computer science major,

so I can find out anything
on anyone.

Look at that face.
What you hiding there, Pheebs?

Can't wait to find out.

You're done here.

[clicks tongue]

Hey, it's me.
I just wanted to call.

I did a little bit of research
on our friend here,

and it turns out her name's
not even Phoebe Sutton.

It's Lisa Nolan.

And her last known location was
actually some treatment center.

32 Elm Road.

Just give me a call back
when you can, okay?

All right.

[yawns]

[shower running]

[door closes]

[grunts]

[tapping on window]

You've gotta be kidding me.

Move.

You have to hear me out.

Move now.

I brought you a peace offering.

I can't believe I even let you
in after what you did today.

Then why did you?

To finish saying what I was
trying to tell you earlier.

I'm telling you, woman to woman,

leave me and my family
the hell alone.

Look, I know I probably
did some things

that I shouldn't have.

Probably?

I can get a little...

Insane?

I was gonna say aggressive.

I don't get it.
What do you want from me?

The same thing I wanted
since the beginning.

To help you.

Help me by
getting out of my life.

[laughs]

It's a little late
for that, Mel.

We work together,
your family loves me.

I mean, that ship
has pretty much sailed.

So if you want me to leave,
you're gonna have to make me.

I said leave me alone.

TINA: Mommy!

MELANIE: Tina, sweetheart...
PHOEBE: Look, honey, it's okay.

We were just having
a silly argument.

Don't you talk to my daughter.

Okay, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to scare Tina.

I will come back when you're
a little less overwhelmed.

I'm just gonna say good night.

- Don't you touch her.
- TINA: Stop!

No, don't cry, honey.
Don't cry.

Come back here again,
I will kill you.

[Tina sobbing]

[locks door]

What the hell did you do?

- Alex, I...
- No!

Let me talk.

Ever since you took
this promotion,

you've been like
a different person.

There's something wrong
with that woman.

I don't care!
I don't care.

Tina said that
you laid your hands on her.

You should've seen
when she told me.

She was shaking.

I just tucked her in,
and she's fine.

Oh, okay, well, I'm glad
that you think this is all fine.

- Oh, you're here.
- Where's Jason?

No idea. I tried calling you
the other night. Where were you?

I know. Something's wrong
with my phone battery.

It won't hold a charge.

So what happened?

Jason left me a message.

He was digging up dirt
on Phoebe.

And?

And that's not even
her real name.

What?

It's Lisa Nolan.

What else did he find out?

All I know is she used to
live in some treatment center

on the beach.

Do you have the address?

Yeah, it's, um, 32 Elm Road.

I haven't told anyone else.
I wanted to wait for you.

So what should we do?

[sighs]
I hired her.

I'll take care of this.

What are you gonna do?

Oh!

Sorry. Didn't mean to scare you.

Call me crazy, or did I just
see you talking to Mel?

She isn't feeling well.

So she just went home?

I don't know. I guess.

Uh-huh.

Guess I'll just wait and see.

Let's see what other lies
you've told.

[line ringing]

[ringtone]

Hello.

Hi. Kellyanne?

This is Melanie Anderson.

I spoke with you last week
about a Phoebe Sutton.

Hmm, what do you want?

Well, for starters,

I just found out
that's not even her real name.

Hello?

Hi.

Hi. Can I help you
with something?

I hope so. I wanted to ask about
a woman named Phoebe Sutton.

You may know her as Lisa Nolan.

And who might you be?

I'm... I'm Melanie Anderson.
Is Lisa here?

I'm afraid she hasn't stayed
with us for several weeks now.

I know.

Is there anything
you could tell me about Lisa?

Look, with all due respect,

the people here
just wanna be left alone.

They wanna get away
from the outside world,

so they have as much time
to heal as possible.

But she did have a friend here
named Kellyanne.

I saw the two of them spending
quite a bit of time together.

Is she here by any chance?

It's a wonderful place.
Been open 25 years.

I'm just so grateful we get
all of the necessary funding,

and our patients have all
of the amenities they need.

Great staff-to-patient ratio.

Over 50 hours a month
of one-on-one time

with a licensed therapist.

I like to think of this place
as a safe space

for people to grow and learn
from their past mistakes

in the most nonjudgmental
setting possible.

Really help folks make it count

when they get
that second chance.

Or third or fourth.

How do you know Lisa?

She works for me.

How long was she
getting treatment here?

Couple months,
ever since she got out.

Got out?
What, from rehab or...

Please respect
our patient's privacy.

Kellyanne's over there.

Kellyanne, you have a visitor!

Make it brief.

And when you speak to her,
be very polite and very calm.

Who the hell are you?

I'm Melanie Anderson.

You hung up on me
a half-hour ago.

I did?

Yeah, you did.

We also spoke last week.

I was asking about
Phoebe Sutton.

Look, I don't even know
Phoebe Sutton.

That's the truth.

What about Lisa Nolan?

Look, lady,

I'm just here trying to
get my life together, okay?

Yeah, and I'm just here trying
to keep mine together.

All right, I'm done here.

- Francis. Francis!
- No!

- Listen.
- I don't know this woman!

- Get her out of here.
- I need to know about Lisa.

Please just tell me about Lisa.

- Tell me about Lisa, damn it.
- You need to leave now.

I just need information.

Please, is there anything
you can tell me about Lisa?

Lisa only stayed with us
for a few months,

and I need to respect
her privacy.

She was in jail, wasn't she?

I knew it was something bad.
What was she in jail for?

Melanie, you know I can't
give you that information.

But I don't know.

Maybe her parole officer
would tell you more.

I'm sorry.

Okay, yup.

Parole office, parole office.

There you go.

[yelps]

Don't do that!

- What about what you just did?
- What?

I didn't tell that lady
anything.

Oh, come on.
Don't look at me like that.

I did everything you said.

I helped you get that damn job.

I'm not afraid of you, Lisa.

Why would you be?

I'm just asking what you
talked to Melanie about.

If you say it's nothing,
I believe you.

Sorry I freaked you out.

Well, I-I have a meeting.

I should probably
be getting inside, so...

Hey.

Thanks for having my back.

I miss you.

Oh!

- [stab]
- [groans]

I have to be getting
back to work anyway.

Hi. Are you Officer Steiner?

You one of mine?

No. I've never been arrested.

Keep up the good work.

So why are you here?

I need to talk to you
about one of your cases.

Sorry. Can't help you.

Please, listen to me.

Her name is Lisa Nolan,

but I know her as Phoebe Sutton,

and she is making my life
a living hell.

How do you mean?

I hired her as my assistant.

Turns out nothing on
her work résumé is even true.

But it's not just work.
She's invaded my whole family.

Please, I have a little girl.

Is there anything
you can tell me about her?

How'd you find me anyway?

I was able to track Lisa
to some treatment center,

but she'd already left.

She had listed a Kellyanne Darcy
as a work reference.

She was still there.

Yeah, they were locked up
in a cell together upstate.

Kellyanne on a drug charge,

assault and vandalism for Lisa.

You have any proof she's trying
to harm you or your family?

I found a hidden camera
in my bedroom.

She denies it, but...

So nothing concrete.

No.

Look I'll ask her about it,
believe me,

but if she hasn't
done anything illegal,

that's about all I can do.

In the meanwhile,
I suggest you be careful.

Call the police as soon as
you have anything solid.

By then, it'll be too late.

[sighs]

I remember something
about her saying

she was gonna look up some
family now that she was out.

Yeah, this is it.

She requested
a bunch of documents

while she was still in lockup.

Documents about what?

Juvie record, chain of custody,

that sort of thing.

Both Lisa's parents died
when she was pretty young,

so she didn't have
a lot of memories

from that time of her life.

Mother died of cancer
when she was two,

father a car accident
when she was barely four.

Oh, God, that's awful.

Yeah, life's a little rougher
on some of us then others.

Just ask most of the people
that have sat in that seat.

Looks like her father remarried
about a year before he died.

Stepmother didn't keep Lisa
too long.

She was pretty young herself.

Sent her to live
with her grandparents,

but wound up in the foster care
system shortly after that.

One of the homes turned out
to be pretty damn abusive.

I had no idea.

What about the stepmom?

Maybe I could talk to her.
What's her name?

Carol. Carol Graham.

[sighs]

[phone vibrating]

Mom, I don't know when you're
getting back from your trip,

but you gotta call me
as soon as you can.

Something's wrong.

Hello, Carol.

What are you doing here?
How'd you get in?

This has been my house
for over a week now.

Who are you?

You don't even recognize me,
do you?

Figures.

Oh, my God. Lisa?

[muffled screams]

[ringing]

Hello.

Hey, boss, where have you been?

I haven't seen you all day.

I know, Lisa.
I know everything.

Oh, well, actually,
that's a relief.

So I guess you'll be coming home
to discuss it then.

Huh, sister?

Stepsister.

Wait, wait, what do you mean?
Where are you?

Exactly where I said.
Home.

Leave them alone.
This is between us.

You got that right.

And when you get here,

you better be
on your best behavior.

No cops.

I see one black and white,
and all bets are off.

Bye!

[line ringing]

Alex can't come
to the phone right now.

Can I take a message?

Lisa, I swear to God...

He's spending quality time
with his family.

Leave them alone!
If you hurt them...

Bye.

PHOEBE: Sorry about that.

Just had to make
a quick phone call.

- Hey.
- What's up?

Look, I just want to
apologize again for yesterday.

Oh, in Mel's defense,

she has been going through
a lot of changes lately.

And like I said, we totally
smoked the peace pipe.

Do you think I would come over
if I thought she'd mind?

Oh, that's great. I guess
I should probably call her.

If I had my phone.

Oh, I just talked to her.
She is on her way home.

Let's play.

- Shall we?
- Yeah.

Are you coming, Daddy?

Yeah, come on, Alex.

Yeah, yeah.

All right, who's up?

- Your turn.
- Okay.

[door opens, closes]

Well, look who it is.

We were just wondering
when you were gonna show up.

Here I am.

Hi, Mommy!

Hey, sweetie.

- Hey.
- Hey.

How are you?

Good?

Of course.

I'm glad you two made up.

Yeah. It's like we're sisters.

So whose turn is it?

Phoebe's.

You're right.
It is my turn.

I almost forgot.
I need to download you in

on that conference call
with Barbara.

You know,
I actually just saw her.

I had a feeling.
Sorry, honey,

but we just need to sort out
this stuff right now.

Oh, if we must.

Boo!

Hey, listen to your mommy.

You don't want
to be put in timeout.

I've been put in timeout before,

and let me tell you,
it really sucks.

Would you like a big banana
split to make up for it?

Yeah!

Alex, would you mind
grabbing a little snack?

Uh, yeah, sure.

You guys sure everything
is cool with you two?

Absolutely. We just need
to get this over with.

- Sure, okay.
- Okay, babe.

Something tells me

you don't wanna talk about
Barbara from Yowsers.

What gave you that idea, Phoebe?

Now, I'm not sure
if someone as lucky as you

can be aware of this,

but there is a very thin line
between pleasure and pain.

It's that same line
that separates the two of us.

See, you got all the joy,
and I got all the hurt.

But tables were
built to be turned.

Lisa, I feel really horrible
for what happened to you.

- I do.
- No, you don't.

Not yet, but you will.

Very soon.

So what happens now?

You get rid of me and then what?

Alex and Tina
and Sam and everyone,

they just forget I existed
and accept you in my place?

[scoffs]
That's your plan?

Why is that so crazy?

I mean, I'm the one that got
Sam the Yowsers account,

I'm the one that made Tina's
birthday party super special,

and I can make Alex sweat
in the dead of winter

just by touching his arm.

You see, I'm better at
being you than you ever were.

It's my life!

Then I guess this is what
you would call a life hack.

And do you wanna know
how I do it?

I'm gonna tell everyone you
tried to kill me with this gun.

Yeah. And you gave me no choice,
but I had to take it away and...

- [cocks gun]
- like I said,

you gave me no choice.

No one's gonna believe that.

[laughs]

Are you so sure about that?

Everyone has seen you
attacking me at work,

yelling at me.

Your own family has seen it.

It's clear you've been under
a lot of extra pressure lately.

You snapped.

It happens.

It's about to happen very soon.

No, no, please.
Tina will...

Will be just fine.

Her Aunt Lisa's gonna take
super good care of her.

Alex too.

Please, I can help you.

Oh, and what would you do?

We'll call my mom, okay?
We'll call Carol.

- We'll make sense of all this.
- And what would she say?

"I'm so sorry for running off

and leaving a terrified
little girl behind

to be abused
by gross strangers"?

Yeah, she would.

That bitch is already sorry.
Trust me.

What?

You killed her?

- She killed me first.
- No!

A long time ago.

And now I'm making
everything right!

The right life,
the right job, the right mommy.

More like the wrong mommy!

Mom!

Oh, thank God you're okay.

CAROL: I know her.

I know. So do I.

Tina!

No, she's okay, she's okay.

[sirens approaching]

Women helping women.

I can't believe
I have a stepsister.

This has just all been so crazy.

I mean, she tried
to steal my life,

everything I love:

my daughter,
my husband, my career.

With the cards she was dealt,
compared to mine,

I guess I can't
really blame her.

No, you can blame me.
No, this is my fault.

You didn't know.

Oh, honey.

I surrendered our daughter
to her grandparents,

who I thought wanted her.

You were really young.

I was so overwhelmed with
the idea of raising her alone,

I really thought that I would
be the worst thing for her.

I had no idea that this
situation with her grandparents

would end up being so temporary.

If I'd known, I...

[sighs]

I was just selfish.

Mom, don't. Come on.

Hey, guys. Sorry, I'm gonna
get Tina off to school.

Yeah, thanks, babe.

Sure. Let me know
if you need anything.

Oh, we're just catching up
on some stuff.

Right.
Okay, I'll get out of your way.

Goodbye, Mommy.
Goodbye, Grandma.

There she is!
Give me a hug.

What would you like
for dinner tonight?

Anything you want.

- Anything?
- Anything.

Grilled cheese and pickles.

Eww!