Original subtitles

Hey, Emma, pass the pepper.

Earth to Emma.

Not eating, flushed, spaced out.

Either Emma's in love,

or she's been bitten by a deer tick.

His name is Vincent.

(LAUGHS)

Emma's in love with a tick named Vincent.

He's this really cute guy from school.

He's so cool.

Way too cool to ask me out.

(SCOFFS) You got that right.

Vincent is awesome.

In a Bollywood movie, he would get the girl, her sister,

and four goats as a dowry.

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh

♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie

♪ It feels like a party every day

♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie

♪ But they keep on pulling me every which way

♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie

♪ My whole world is changing Turning around

♪ They got me going crazy Yeah, they're shaking the ground

♪ But they took a chance on the new girl in town

♪ And I don't want to let them down, down, down

♪ Hey Jessie

♪ Hey Jessie

♪ It feels like a party every day

♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, Jessie ♪

Okay, I'm going for it!

Good luck. May he turn out to be your life-long lab partner.

Oh! LUKE: Please.

You're going to get rejected faster than Bertram's hair plugs.

May the force of Kate Middleton be with me. (EXHALES)

Bet you our lunch puddings she'll crash and burn.

I will take that action.

Whoa. What do you have against my locker?

Apparently, my nose.

This is for you, and your nose.

Thank you. It's beautiful.

You wanna go grab some lunch?

I'm tight with the lunch lady, so I can get us milk that hasn't expired.

(GASPS) That would be great.

I am so tired of chewing my milk.

Well, well, I guess I win the bet.

From now on, you can call me "Ravi Two Puddings."

I'd rather keep calling you butt-head.

(CHUCKLES) That's timeless.

You know, Zuri, I think it's great that

for your "Going Green" school project, you're planting a tree.

Most of my class is just taking shorter showers.

Which is a bad move for the stinkier kids.

Hey! Maybe I'll name my tree after you.

Oh, that's so sweet.

My dad named an urban assault vehicle after me.

Yeah, one night, he lost control

and crashed "Jessie" through a grocery store.

If your dad ever comes to visit,

remind me to wear my bullet-proof tutu.

You don't have to pay for lunch?

Nah, Agnes owes me a favor.

I get her designer hairnets.

Here are the answers to your math test.

And remember to get a couple wrong. Everyone knows you're stupid.

Thank you.

(GASPS) Wow! This is incredible.

The lemon-scented hot towels cover up the stink from the gym.

Look, Ravi. It is our sister, Emma.

That we know and love.

These your brothers?

I wish I could say no.

But I don't want to start our relationship off with lies.

Ravi K. Ross, pleased to meet you.

Ah. Your hands are a little sweaty.

No, that is saliva. I have been licking pudding off of them.

Ah, you like pudding?

Well, since I like your sister, maybe I can help you out with that.

Pudding!

A king's ransom in pudding!

And tell the ball monitor in the gym you know me.

He'll give you the basketball that isn't lopsided.

I thought those were just a myth.

You better be good to him!

Very good.

ZURI: What's that girl doing to Branchy?

I thought her name was Jessie!

Okay, I'll just pretend that doesn't sting.

You put that staple into her, the next one goes into you.

Oh, it's on!

You could have won the tractor pull at our county fair.

So, Emma took my advice and tonight, she has her very first date!

I'll alert the media.

Hey, a girl's first date is magical.

Unless you take a shortcut to the Cineplex through an artillery range.

I still have a ringing in my left ear.

I don't know what's more surprising,

that you're still single, or still alive.

So, what do you think Vincent's like?

An intellectual, uh, an athlete, a poet?

(ELEVATOR DINGS)

Hey, there, Red. You must be the warden.

I'm going with "none of the above."

Wanna pat me down? Could be the highlight of your week.

Ooh. (CHUCKLES) Vincent.

Aren't you making a great first impression.

What do you do for a second one, club a baby seal?

Hey, Vincent. We set up the screening room for your "evening with Emma."

Ah. Thanks, guys. Here's some bathroom passes for your trouble.

Awesome! Now even when I don't gotta go,

I can still go!

Wait. These are for the girls' room.

You're welcome.

Emma, Vincent's here!

He seems like a swell guy!

Hi, Vincent.

Whoa! You look like you just washed up on the Jersey Shore!

I think she looks smokin'.

Thanks, babe.

Uh, babe? Nobody should be calling anybody "babe."

Well, calm down, babe.

Not helping, Luke.

Why don't you and Ravi go show Vincent the screening room?

Make sure he doesn't steal anything.

Emma. Maybe you should go change.

Oh, please. Like I'd take fashion advice from someone who owns skorts.

(GASPS)

It's the comfort of shorts in the style of a skirt.

And it keeps cheerleaders modest.

Hey, guys, hope I'm not interrupting anything.

I just baked some "everybody keep your hands to yourself" cookies.

Jessie! We're trying to watch a movie.

Movie's up there. And I'll be out there.

So where was I?

Oh, yeah. So I tell the guy,

"Quit being such a baby. Blood washes out."

All righty. (CHUCKLES)

This night is over.

It's past your curfew.

But I'm already home.

Then it's past your curfew.

I don't have a curfew.

Then, I just gave you one. Consider it a parting gift.

Whoa, Jessie,

maybe if you had your own man, you wouldn't be so uptight.

I am this close to poking out your eye.

And for your information,

I'm this tense even when I am dating.

Go. Go.

This is so unfair! Vincent is a great guy.

He got me a new locker, far away from the boys' bathroom.

No, that's how these guys work, okay?

They romance you with sweet words and flowers,

and increased distance from urinals.

But I can tell he's a bad influence.

Vincent is the best thing that's ever happened to me!

Well, that's what I said about skorts.

Clearly, we both have poor judgment!

What do you think you're doing?

I'm sleeping on the terrace,

so I can use the telescope to keep an eye on Branchy.

Oh, not gonna happen, Zuri. But I just wanna...

No! You are gonna sleep in that bed if I have to staple the sheets down. Go.

Thanks for putting her in a bad mood, Emma!

I am not in a bad mood!

Tell that to the vein popping out of your forehead.

Bertram, I need your opinion.

Yes, get your teeth whitened.

This is serious.

If I tell Emma she can't be with Vincent,

it's only going to make her want to be with him more.

So what should I do?

Don't care.

You're right!

If I pretend I don't care, she'll realize for herself that Vincent is no good.

No. I mean I don't care. Please stop talking to me.

Okay, let's hear it.

You have a problem with my outfit, don't you?

Uh, yeah. I'm envious!

I could never pull off that whole "sparkly undertaker" look.

What's going on?

Nothing. I overreacted last night.

Emma, you're a good girl

and I trust you to make the right decisions.

Really? Thanks, Jessie.

Wow, you lied to her right through your yellow teeth.

Luke! Ravi! Just the guys I wanted to see.

Everyone else, out!

Wow, Vincent.

You clear a room faster than Jessie on karaoke night.

Listen, guys, if you want to be part of my crew,

you need to take on some responsibility.

Ooh, ooh! I am very responsible.

I have to be. If a seven-foot lizard does not get fed regularly,

people get hurt.

Yeah, it's true.

I have a lizard tooth buried in my butt cheek to prove it. Wanna see?

Hey, we're not that close.

Hello, beautiful. Whatcha doin'?

Third period's about to start.

Didn't you hear? Today is a special short day. School's over.

Yay! I must've missed that in morning announcements.

What I mean is, we should skip school today.

You mean cut class?

That would be wrong.

Ooh! That would be wrong!

Oh no! Someone broke off one of Branchy's arms!

Probably some rotten kid swung on her.

Or a really fat squirrel.

What? I don't believe it!

Believe it, they exist.

Laying around. No J-O-B.

Just stuffin' their faces with acorns.

No. I mean, over there.

Emma's supposed to be at school.

Officer! Excuse me. Hi.

Uh, I'm a nanny and I need your help.

That's one of my charges skipping school with that boy.

Is there any chance you can help me out

with one of those "scared straight" things?

Oh, well, you picked the right guy.

I could use some of my improv skills.

I take a workshop on the weekends.

Thanks, Officer Petey.

Okay, give me an occupation and a location.

(PERFORMS BREATHING EXERCISES)

Well... A police officer in the park.

Oh.

Okay. Uh, you know, it's not much of a challenge.

Kind of improv 101, so...

Fine. And the park you're in is on the moon!

Got it! Ho-ho.

Houston, we have a scenario.

(IMITATES ASTRONAUT BREATHING)

Emma's gonna think twice about skipping school again.

Getting caught by a cop is gonna freak her out.

She doesn't look that freaked out to me.

Uh, I didn't send you over here to chit-chat,

I sent you over here to scare them!

But this is Vincent Liotta.

He goes to school with my little brother!

Thanks to him, Ricky won class president.

And trust me, Ricky is not exactly a leader of men.

Jessie! You turned us in to the cops? That's messed up.

Yeah, nobody likes a snitch.

Oh, nobody likes improv, either!

Even mimes look down on you.

(GASPS)

You are no friend to the arts or the NYPD.

Emma, I trusted you,

which was obviously a mistake.

Say goodbye to Vincent.

Goodbye, Vincent. Oh, not like that!

And you. I've got my eye on you!

Thanks, but I'm taken.

I'll see you at school tomorrow, Emma.

And dress nice, we'll be eating in the teachers' lounge.

See, Jessie, you can't keep me from seeing Vincent!

Maybe at school, but after school, consider yourself grounded.

You can't tell me what to do!

Oh, yeah?

Well, my "World's Greatest Nanny" mug says otherwise!

Branchy, I am not looking forward to your teenage years.

I know you're mad, but someday you're gonna thank me for this.

Don't hold your breath.

Look.

Not that long ago, I was your age, and I had my own Vincent.

Named T-Bob.

And if someone had kept me away from T-Bob back then,

maybe I wouldn't be banned from the great state of Oklahoma today.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Hello? Officer Petey?

Zuri's in the pork?

I can't understand a word you're saying.

Well, it's a lousy Jackie Chan impression.

Oh! Zuri's in the park!

I thought she was in her room! Okay, I'll be right there!

Please tell me you are texting Vincent.

Because I am going through pudding withdrawal.

Yep, I just invited him over.

Jessie's going to flip. That vein actually will pop out of her head.

I've got it covered.

"Zuri, don't let Jessie stop you from protecting Branchy.

"Power to the plants."

There. That'll keep her busy for a couple of hours.

You really think Zuri can stall her that long?

(CELL PHONE CHIMES)

It's Zuri.

"Jessie will have to pry this tree from my cold, dead hands."

Yep, we're good.

Zuri, you need to ask me permission if you want to go to the park.

Can I go to the park?

I mean before you go!

I'm just new at this nanny thing.

Hey, I know what it's like trying to get the hang of a new job.

By the way, if you happen to find a taser, it's mine.

I'll keep an eye out. Did you lose anything else?

Oh, well, I did have a horse.

Come on, Zuri, let's go.

No. People are out to hurt Branchy.

Zuri, Branchy will be fine. Come on, it's time to go home now.

(SCREAMS)

(SCREAMS)

(SCREAMS)

(SCREAMS)

(SCREAMING)

Well, looks like you've got this handled.

(GASPS) Vincent!

And a bunch of other people.

Who are really hungry.

Can you hook us up with some snacks?

Sure.

Luke, Ravi. Time for you to help me out.

See, there's a guy here, and I need you two to teach him a lesson.

Oh, if he needs a tutor, you got the wrong guy.

See, my only good subject is recess.

Whereas I am good at everything but recess.

I mean, I need you to collect some money I'm owed.

From that guy.

Oh, dear. That is not a guy.

That is a building in a hoodie.

(BOTH MOANING)

Excuse me, Mr. Giant, sir.

My associate wishes to speak to you.

What?

Now I know what Bertram's chair feels like.

(GROANS)

If you release us now, we will forgive you.

But if you eat another bite of Bertram's bean dip,

your colon will not.

Emma! Em... What is going on here?

(SNIFFS) Is someone eating my bean dip?

Oh, hi, Ravi.

Hello, Bertram!

Turn the music down!

What...

Help! Help! Teens!

So much acne!

(FARTS) (GROANS)

(CRIES)

Vincent, this has gone too far!

Ravi is stuck in the piano,

Luke's being used as a seat cushion,

and Bertram was just swept away.

And he hates sweeping!

You guys have to leave.

And you need to chill out!

(SCREAMING) Keep it moving, people. Nothing to see here.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Fine. You win this round.

And every round up until now.

You've got that right.

Hello? Emma?

What's going on? I can barely hear you over that noise.

What is that noise?

It's a party!

Stop it! That's an antique vase, not a football!

(SHATTERING)

Jessie, come home! I need your help.

I'll be right there! Come on, Zuri. Emma needs me.

Well, Branchy needs me!

(SCREAMING)

Zuri, I gotta go. What's it gonna take?

I can't wait to show Branchy her new home.

Or what's left of it.

I think I'll start by showing Branchy the panic room.

Jessie, I'm so sorry.

You were right about Vincent.

He's my T-Bob! And I don't want a T-Bob!

Nobody should have a T-Bob. I got this.

Hey! This party is over!

Whoa, these are Emma's guests.

You can't kick them out. You're just the help.

Don't you talk to Jessie that way!

No, Emma. He's right, I am just the help.

So let me help you out.

(GROANS)

My dad taught me that move.

And sharpshooting. You're lucky I'm not armed.

Emma! You're gonna let her do this to me?

You're right. She shouldn't do that.

Ow!

All right, just keep his wrist right between the shoulder-blades.

Good. Oh! Now I know how proud my dad felt.

Everybody out.

Jessie, I'm so sorry about all this.

I totally volunteer to clean it all up.

Aw, that's cute. You think you have a choice.

Emma, are you okay?

I should've listened to you.

Yeah. You could learn a lot from my

many, many, many years of painful experience.

You've had a rough 18 years.

The womb wasn't that great either.

My mom ate a lot of jalapenos.

Just remember, I'm here to help you.

Great. Can you help me get Ravi out?

Believe it or not, I was once in a very similar situation.

T-Bob didn't want to pay for Cowboys tickets.

I knew I shouldn't have followed him into that sewage pipe.

I took 10 showers...

You know what would make this story more enjoyable?

If I did not have a piano string where the sun does not shine.

How'd you get in that piano, anyway?

I have chosen to suppress the memory.

I've just changed my status to single.

I'm a free woman and ready to par-tay.

You're a grounded woman and ready to stu-day.

You know, losing Vincent isn't that bad.

I was using so many of those bathroom passes,

people were calling me "Leaky Luke."

(BANGING) BERTRAM: Help! Help!

(SOBBING) Someone help.

Bertram? How did you get in there?

Teens! So much acne!

I just couldn't fight back!

And the last stop on our tour is the kitchen.

ALL: Pull!

Branchy, I am so sorry you had to see that.