Original subtitles

Here's your mail, Bertram.

Oh, if you don't act now, this is your last issue of Butler Beat.

I'm not giving them another dime until they put me on the cover.

Zuri, quit pushing me!

I'm not pushing! I'm just walking faster behind you.

Just be happy I didn't get Zuri that cattle prod she wanted for Christmas.

Hey, Ravi, go long!

Go where?

(GROANS)

Oops.

Oops.

Hey, that was mean!

Thank you, I try.

Tony, help me with my bags.

He's a doorman, not a plastic surgeon.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Ow!

Excuse me, Bertram.

Hello, Bertie! I didn't see you back there!

(LAUGHS) Oh, you!.

I'll take this one.

It has my favorite new hair product. 'Do Glue.

Be on the watch for une coiffure extraordinaire.

If I see him, I'll call the cops immediately.

Close! Close! Close!

(ALL GROANING)

(SNIFFS) Ugh.

Somebody went a little heavy on the perfume.

That's Zeus's new cologne, Wolfwind.

Wolfwind is for dogs? My ex-boyfriend used to wear it.

Well, actually, that's appropriate.

What is touching my derriere?

It is highly unpleasant.

It is a "who," not a "what." And the feeling is mutual.

* Oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh

* Hey Jessie, hey Jessie

* It feels like a party every day

* Hey Jessie, hey Jessie

* But they keep on pulling me every which way

* Hey Jessie, hey Jessie

* My whole world is changing Turning around

* They got me going crazy Yeah, they're shaking the ground

* But they took a chance on the new girl in town

* And I don't want to let them down, down, down

* Hey Jessie

* Hey Jessie

* It feels like a party every day

* Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, Jessie *

(ALL CHATTERING)

Hey, Jessie, here's what I'm thinking for our date tonight.

Dinner, a movie, then a carriage ride around Central Park.

Tony, a carriage ride sounds so romantic.

Yeah, except for the fact that you wind up staring at a horse's butt!

(LAUGHING)

She looks at you all day. She's used to it.

(GIRLS LAUGHING)

(SCREAMS)

Tressie!

Mrs. Chesterfield, what happened?

My hands are glued to my head, that's what!

One of your little heathens stole my hair gel and replaced it with glue!

(ALL GIGGLING SOFTLY)

You should be ashamed of yourselves.

I'm ashamed that I didn't think of it first.

Okay, don't overreact now. I'm sure I can get that out in a jiffy.

"Stay Stuck. The glue that sticks forever."

Okay, maybe two jiffies.

You didn't read the label on the tube before you put it in your hair?

Even I would've done that, and I am totally against reading.

Well, I would have read it, but I was a little distracted.

Oh, Bertie, you simply cannot take a bad photo. (LAUGHING)

Zeus, fetch Mommy's teasing comb.

Uh-oh.

So, how did you turn the doorknob to get out of your apartment?

The same way I'm going to strangle your little animals.

With my elbows!

(CHILDREN SCREAM)

Excuse me. Before you unscrew our heads with your elbows,

I would like to know why you think we did it.

Because I had the 'Do Glue when I got on to the elevator with all of you,

and that's the only place it could have been switched.

That is circumstantial!

But highly incriminating.

Look, Mrs. Chesterfield, I trust my kids.

If they say they didn't do it, then they didn't do it!

Okay, which one of you did it?

You said you trusted us.

Oh, please. Glue in the hair?

You might as well have signed your names on her forehead.

I know nothing Itabout it.e.

I blame global warming.

Okay. You all hate Chesterfield.

She shut down your lemonade stand.

She destroyed your football.

And she put you on the building's worst-dressed list.

She said I'm over the top? Look at her! Big Bird wears less feathers!

Ravi, I'm putting you in charge.

Find out who's responsible or you're all punished.

How do you know Ravi didn't do it?

Oh, come on! He's the new kid in the family.

You guys haven't corrupted him yet.

Plus, look at this face. The only thing I am guilty of is capital cuteness!

Oh, really? This is so unfair!

I'll tell you what's unfair. I have my third first date with Tony tonight,

and I have to be downstairs helping Chesterfield

instead of upstairs hating all of my outfits.

What's with the shades?

I am a detective now, and I take my job seriously.

That includes wearing CSI- type sunglasses.

Wait, if you're playing CSI, why is Kipling dressed like Sherlock Holmes?

Hey, I am asking the questions here!

And I have a notepad full of them.

Which your partner is eating.

Come near me with those, they'll end up in your spleen.

All right, now, brace yourself. This may hurt.

Ow! Ow! Watch out for that! That's an antique!

What is? The furniture, or your skeleton?

(SCREAMS)

(COUGHS)

Hey! Your partner's out of control!

On the contrary, he knows exactly what he is doing.

Do you recognize this?

Yeah, it's a receipt for a delivery to a resident.

Precisely. A delivery of one tube of Stay Stuck glue!

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

And to whom was this delivery addressed?

I can't say.

Haven't you ever heard of doorman-resident confidentiality?

No one has. It is not a thing.

Look, pal, you can either be a witness or a suspect.

I suggest you give me a name!

I can't tell you! I'm sworn to secrecy!

Bertram!

Aw, man!

The butler did it!

I did not see that coming.

Okay, I got the recommended solvent.

Well, it took you long enough, Bessie!

Please learn my name. It is not Bessie, not Tressie, not Jessie...

Oh, wait. It is Jessie.

Brava. You know your own name. I'd applaud you, but my hands are stuck to my hair.

And there they will stay, because you are a crabby appleton.

I am sorry to use that kind of language, but I'm upset.

Wait! Wait! Please help me.

(EXCLAIMS)

What?.

It should not be used with artificial hair coloring.

Sorry.

I don't know why you're apologizing. I am a natural redhead!

Or it could cause a severe reaction.

Get this stuff off my hair!

Uh, maybe we could call the glue company.

Oh, sticky.

Oh, this is not good.

(SCREAMS)

Okay, okay, it's not that bad.

Really? I beg to differ, Tessie!

That's it! I'm calling Morgan and Christina right now.

Everyone who was on that elevator is gonna pay!

No, please don't! I'll...

Oh, now I'm stuck!

Oh, well, that didn't help.

Swell.

You were next to Mrs. Chesterfield on the elevator,

then you quickly scooted away.

(GASPS)

Because the way Rhoda stares at me makes me feel cheap.

She always says she is stuck on you. Maybe this was payback?

No! I didn't put the glue in her bag!

Then how do you explain this?

It is a receipt for Stay Stuck glue, delivered to you yesterday.

Okay, okay, I bought the glue!

But it had nothing to do with Chesterfield, I promise!

(SCREAMS) Hold him back.

The truth is I was dusting your father's Audience Choice Award...

(WHISTLING)

I should thank the Academy, my fellow cast members, my director...

But I'm not gonna! 'Cause I did it all myself!

And Mother, I wanna thank you least of all.

((SCREAMS)H)

So I had to glue the trophy back together.

But I put the glue in the drawer when I was done.

Someone must have taken it.

Leave the detective work to me.

Someone must have taken it.

Zuri, show me your hands.

No, the other way.

I mean show me your palms!

Show me a warrant!

The paper is glued to your hands.

We have caught our perp red-handed.

(TOILET FLUSHING)

That never happened.

Agreed.

That doorman doesn't get here soon, I'm prepared to chew off an arm.

So am I. And it won't be my own.

Oh!

Doorman to the rescue, ladies!

This is my ma's secret recipe.

It'll loosen anything. Candle wax from a tablecloth,

a hair clog from a sink and it's heaven on linguini.

Just right there. Oh, thank you.

And this one. Yeah, great, thank you.

Ugh! Ugh!

Oh, I haven't felt this disgusted since my entire second marriage.

Hurry, Tony. I'm starting to get a cramp.

And a strange craving for meatballs. (SNIFFS) Is that fennel?

Yeah. Now, it takes a few seconds to work. Try not to move.

Oh, thanks. I was gonna suggest we go ballroom dancing.

So, tonight should be fun.

Yeah. We missed our dinner reservation, but we can still catch the movie.

I love romantic comedies.

Me, too! It looks hilarious.

Jennifer Aniston plays a funeral director who falls in love

with a wedding (FEIGNING LAUGHTER)

You don't care.

Oh, on the contrary! I hope you two love muffins hit it off, get hitched,

and go for a long honeymoon with the entire Ross family.

In an RV.

That falls off a cliff!

I love RVs!

Me, too!

(TEOh!NG)

Holy Sunday gravy! It worked!

You're pulling off my flesh!

(TEARING)

This one. This one. Pull...

(SCREAMS)

Come on, let's go. Let's get out of here.

Not so fast. No one's going anywhere until we go upstairs

and punish the guilty party.

You two can go to your little movie next week.

But it's a Jennifer Aniston movie.

It won't be in theaters next week!

All right, I have seen your rap sheet.

You have a history of paste-related crimes.

It was only a matter of time until you graduated to glue.

Crimes? You're trippin'. I was just using the glue to do some origami.

Origami is the art of folding paper.

It does not require glue.

It does if you're bad at it.

Back off, you overgrown gecko.

You have confessed to using the glue.

I am willing to overlook that if you point me toward the real culprit.

I'm no snitch.

What if we sweeten the deal?

Keep talkin'.

Ooh, candy!

Get your notepad. I'm about to squeal like Miss Piggy.

What happened in there?

I tried to protect you, Emma.

But the fuzz turned up the heat, and I couldn't hold out.

(SOBBING) I'm so sorry!

You sold me out for a Scooter Bar?

It's a king size!

I never touched that glue! And FYI, those glasses are so last season!

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Ugh. Jasmine. Ignore.

Looks like we found the one with the sticky fingers.

All right! It's true. I used the Stay Stuck.

I was watching TV when Tyra Banks eliminated my favorite model

and I got a teensy bit annoyed.

(TV AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

What? (SCREAMS)

Oops.

So, I glued it back together.

It's the third phone I've broken this year!

If Mom and Dad find out, I'll be restricted to a landline!

Fair warning. Mrs. Chesterfield's on her way up here

and she has come unglued!

Mr. Kipling and I have been trying to find out who had the glue

on the elevator.

But it turns out the glue has been passed around more

than fresh gossip at a nail salon.

Mmm. (SNAPS FINGERS)

Obviously Emma did it! She took the glue from Zuri,

used it to fix her phone, then put it back in her purse.

Emma, you broke another phone?

Tyra again?

Yeah.

Wait. Emma never said she put the glue in her purse.

ALL: Yes, you did!

The only way you would know that is

if you took the glue out of Emma's purse.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

Luke, you better take this. It's as good as money where you're going.

Okay, I'll admit I took the glue from Emma, but I did not put it

in Chesterfield's bag! I never took it out of my backpack!

Attention, despicable toddlers!

Look at this!

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

Eh, she's looked worse.

Which one of you is responsible?

I'm gonna sweat it out of you if I have to stay all night.

ALL: Luke did it!

Well, that took less time than I thought.

I did not do it!

Then what were you doing with the glue?

He(SCREAMING)m!

(SCREAMING)

Oh! Well, my, don't you look fetching this evening?

Fetching? Really? Wow, these new trousers must be a big hit.

All day, people have been pointing at me and smiling.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Now, that, my friends, is how you use glue!

(EXCLAIMS)

Bull's-eye! (LAUGHS)

Mrs. Chesterfield, I'm sorry Luke took your hair gel.

How much did it cost?

Ninety-eWhat?dollars.

Jessie, I didn't steal it!

The person who switched it with the glue is the one who has it.

(ALL GASPING)

My 'Do Glue!

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

I should've known!

You've always hated me, Essie. And now you're willing to sell these little rug rats

down the river to cover your crime. That's low. And I know low.

TShe does.e.

Mmm-hmm.

Guys, I didn't do it!

Jessie, it's over. We know you did it.

Maybe we need to get a nanny cam to keep an eye on you.

I'll monitor all the footage.

Wait. That's a great idea!

Tony, we need to see the elevator security cam footage.

It'll prove I'm innocent.

(TYPING)

This doesn't prove anything!

No one touched Chesterfield's bag.

(TAPE REWINDING)

(ALL GASPING)

The dog did it! I have solved the case.

But wait, how did the 'Do Glue get in my purse?

(WHIMPERS)

(ALL GASP)

That shifty little mutt! I never trusted him.

Oh, well, would you look at the time?

I'm sure Zeus meant no harm.

I've been training him to fetch my beauty products.

And I'm certain Mommy's little helper just got confused.

Good boy! Kiss Mommy.

(ZEUS WHIMPERS)

I think you owe us an apology.

Yeah. We told you we did not plant that glue, and you didn't believe us.

I believe an apology kiss is in order.

Come here.

I'm sorry that I didn't trust you guys, all right? I was wrong.

And I will take that into account when I dole out your punishments.

Whoa! Back the truck up!

Punishments?

Using grown-up glue without permission. Phone throwing. And aggravated tush-targeting.

Well, at least I am innocent.

Oh, yeah? Where'd you get those sunglasses?

From yoHmm.resser.

But they make me look so cool and dangerous.

Not as cool and dangerous as the nanny.

Ow!

I'm sorry I made us miss our third first date.

I get it if you'd rather date someone with a normal schedule.

I don't want to date somebody normal. I want to date you.

Thanks? Maybe someday we'll be able to catch a romantic moment...

Somewhere.

Jessie. Don't move.

Tony! Ow!

Mosquito. Got it.

Hey, do you guys think Zeus put that glue in Chesterfield's bag

on purpose?

Of course not.

Why would he bite the hand that feeds him filet mignon?

Yeah! That mutt lives better than we do!

Well, this kind of works.

I'll be the baddest broad in my book club.

Oh, there you are.

Oopsie, Mr. Fluffy Pants. There. Now it won't fall off.

And I know you didn't mean to hurt Mommy.

Did you?

(GROWLING)