Original subtitles

WOMAN: Oh, my God. I have to do this again?

What I want is I want 14 more of the same pair,

but I want them in sunglasses.

Thank you.

-(SIGHS) Hi. Are you Hannah? - Hi. Yeah. Are you Jamie?

- Jame. - Oh, okay.

- Yeah. - I'll just grab...

Okay, we're just gonna do this here.

- Hey. - Hi.

Thank you so much for making the time to see me.

- I really appreciate it. - Yeah, sure. It's no problem.

So it's only the Internet,

but we do pay 200 bucks an article.

And you don't seem that fancy, so...

Wait. So are you hiring me?

Well, it's a freelance thing, so I'm not hiring you per se,

but you seem super sweet.

All I want is just to write something that you'll be excited to publish.

I mean, is there something you want me to explore specifically?

You could have a threesome with some people that you meet on Craigslist

or do a whole bunch of coke and then just write about it.

Okay, re: the threesome,

that is something that I just... I feel like I have enough trouble

just figuring out where to place my attention on one person's body,

which is something I'd write about for sure.

In terms of cocaine, I've never done it before.

Even better!

Well, the reason I've never done it before is because I have weird nasal passages.

Okay. It's just an idea.

You know what? Did you see my sign?

This sign?

Yeah, I'm seeing it now.

JAME: You get it, right?

Yeah, I get it. Of course I get it.

Here's your comfort zone.

This is where the magic happens.

So, like, the magic happens outside your comfort zone.

Yeah.

Uh-huh.

Okay.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

Enjoy the blouse.

- You know... - I'll take that.

One of Tom Petty's Heartbreakers gave me a lovely compliment on it once.

They don't construct a sleeve like that anymore.

- Thank you. - You're welcome.

Hey!

This is a way more serious operation than I thought.

Don't you need, like, a vendor's license for this?

- That would ruin the whole point. - What is the point?

Oh, I love it when you get stroppy.

Ever since you started having sex.

Not because I started having sex, okay?

It is because I didn't get any sleep last night

because Ray only wants to watch old episodes

of Ally McBeal all night long.

And I'm like, "Excuse me, I actually have to be somewhere

"in the morning, unlike you." You know what I mean?

Jessa, do you happen to know where I can procure some cocaine today?

Uh, who's it for? Adam?

No, it's for me to snort for work

because I'm planning to write an article that exposes

all of my vulnerabilities to the entire Internet.

Well, in that case, why don't you just ask the creepy guy

who lives on the ground floor of your building?

Laird? I'm not asking him for anything. That guy looks like he has leprosy.

What do you think leprosy looks like?

He's a junkie.

How do you know he's a junkie?

I asked him. I mean, we were talking once by the mailboxes.

Oh, yeah, totally.

All the junkies in my building totally hang out by the mailboxes.

- LAIRD: Who is it? - Hannah.

Hannah.

I'm glad to finally see your place.

- I hope I'm not disturbing you. - Oh, no.

No, I'm just trying to come up with a new Wi-Fi network name,

and it's pretty intimidating because yours is so good.

Oh, you... Muffins Are Tasty?

No, no. I liked when it was Madame Ovaries.

Oh.

You know, I liked that, too, but it's like new roommate, new Wi-Fi network. So.

It was disappointing to let it go.

I'm sorry. Would you care to sit down?

Oh, maybe I could just sit on your ottoman?

Oh, yeah, yeah. You can, sure.

Hey, so Why'd Marnie move out?

I mean, I know you two are really different.

You know, you get different magazine subscriptions

and have different schedules and all that.

It almost seems like you shouldn't be roommates, but, uh...

Oh, my God, you have a turtle?

Yeah.

Yeah, and, um...

I'll never not have it.

He's really cute.

Thanks.

He can be a real asshole sometimes, though.

Um, would you like some pomegranate juice?

Sure.

I'm an addict.

- I'm just gonna go to the fridge. - Okay.

Hey, how much can you guys hear me upstairs?

Uh, not that much, really.

Really? 'Cause I can hear you.

You know, I was actually... I don't wanna keep you,

but I was just dropping by so that I could, um...

No, I get it. I think it's great.

You made the first move.

We've been seeing each other in the halls a lot and thought we should meet,

but we're both being really shy about saying hi and...

Yeah, I feel, for sure, I feel the same way.

And I also...

Um, let's see. How do I articulate this properly?

I, um, need some cocaine.

And I know that you're a junkie,

which I do not want you to think I'm judging.

I am completely cool with it

and get that it takes what it takes to get through life.

I'm clean now.

Oh, my God. Wow.

Congratulations.

I'm so sorry. You didn't look clean, so I just...

Hannah, uh...

You don't wanna get started with this stuff.

Okay, so then you're saying I should ask someone else for the coke.

No. I mean, I still know guys.

And, uh, I've always wanted to do something for you.

Oh, my God. Thank God.

Sweetheart, could you help me out?

Uh, of course.

My friends here are not being very much fun. All they wanna talk about is work.

- Aw, that sounds awful. - Yeah.

Now, if you'd bring us a bottle of your finest Sauvignon Blanc,

maybe my friends here will try and be a little more fun.

Of course. I'll get on that.

I'll bring it right back, gentlemen.

(SPEAKING SOFTLY)

Maddie.

Maddie, I see you.

- Hey, Booth. - Hey.

It's Marnie, but hello.

Welcome.

So you work here, huh?

That's fucking depressing.

It's a job. it pays.

I'm sorry there weren't a bajillion curatorial openings in the city.

Oh, I love that.

You love what?

I love when young people are passionate about something

and then they just give up the second that they have to struggle.

I'm sorry I'm not more like you.

You're like a con man who somehow talks people

into paying way too much money for derivative art

by convincing anyone who's never heard of Damien Hirst

that you're a genius.

I like being talked to like that.

- Ugh. -It's surprising.

When was the last time you had sex?

- What? - Come with me.

Who do you think I am?

Oh, I think you're a person who is about to have sex with me.

Stop. I'm working.

ELIJAH: What are you gonna wear tonight?

- Uh, this probably. - Oh, no. Hannah, no.

You've never done coke before, so let me explain something.

This is not gonna be a night of driving around in your mom's Volvo

with a bottle of cough syrup and a box of cold McNuggets.

You know, I am so excited about this, actually.

Now that we have the coke, the scary part is over.

We can just enjoy this adventure.

I'm just so jazzed to write the fuck out of this story.

Oh, we definitely have to go dancing tonight.

AndrewAndrew is DJing at Greenhouse.

- Who's he? - They are a couple of gays

who dress alike and dance alike and they both changed their name to Andrew.

They're like brand consultants and iPad DJs.

- I'm so excited to introduce you. - Yes, please.

Hey, let's have the type of night where it's like 5:00 a.m.

and one of us has definitely punched someone

who's been on a Disney Channel show.

Is there any rule that says we can't just start doing the coke

right now, circa 4:00 p.m.?

I mean, no rule but human decency.

- Which is not... - Yeah.

- You want me to wear that? - Oh, yes. Um...

It's inspired by a girl I went to middle school with

who fucked both her uncle and her stepdad.

It's called "power clashing."

(PSYCHOTIC REACTION PLAYING)

I wanna raise Affenpinscher show dogs.

I mean, I know that sounds cliched, but you know what?

That's what I want.

I wanna get married wearing a veil,

and I wanna taste, like, 15 cakes before I do it.

And I know that I said that I was against the industrial marriage complex,

but that's what I really want.

No, I think that's good. I think that's good.

I would like to visit a prison.

I want to learn to write a check properly.

I think that's so important because it's like every time I write a check now,

I have to look at the carbon copy of the one that came before.

I'm often mixing up the money and the date.

- Absolutely. -It's like I'm saying I want to be independent,

but all these little things, they add up and they just block me from it.

- Yes, exactly. - They just block me from it.

You know what? Should we be writing these down?

Of course we should be writing these down.

How crazy is it that I'm a writer and I didn't think

about the fact that we need to be writing these down?

- Yeah, what's wrong with you? - Now I'm gonna get a pencil.

- I'm gonna get a... - No, no, no, no.

Leave your mark.

What do you mean?

Just leave your fucking mark, Hannah.

In urine?

No, I mean let's write the lists on these blank fucking walls.

Let's write the lists on the walls.

- Clearly! - Clearly!

- I got this. - Do it.

- Just watch. - Just get it out of you.

"Ya-Ga!

Well, that one's mine.

BOOTH: It's based on different dreams and some news articles that I found.

That one's real.

Whoa.

That one's a dream.

What's the blood made out of?

It's blood.

Been thinking of calling my next show "Children's Death Games."

I love it.

You wanna see the best thing I've ever made?

Come on.

-(INDISTINCT TALKING) -(CAR HORNS BLARING)

Okay, now.

This place is huge.

Whoa!

Get in.

(LAUGHS) Get into that?

Yeah. Get in.

Come on.

You're gonna love this.

- Inside. - Okay.

Okay. I'm gonna lock you in.

- What? - Yeah.

- Don't lock... -(METAL CLANGS)

Hey, Booth?

Okay, ready?

(BARELY BREATHING PLAYING)

(CRYING)

(BARKING)

(CRYING)

(HIGH-PITCHED RINGING)

Booth?

(MACHINE HUMMING)

Booth?

Hey, Booth, can I get out of here?

(DOG WHIMPERS)

MALE VOICE: You've got mail.

(SONG CONTINUES PLAYING)

(MUSIC STOPS)

Huh?

-(SIGHS) - What'd you think?

What the fuck, man?

What the fuck?

You're so fucking talented.

(LOUD DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

HANNAH". AndrewAndrew.

Do they have sex with each other?

It is my greatest dream to have sex with myself,

but also my biggest nightmare.

We're the sexiest people here.

'Cause we are the sexiest nonsexual couple this club has ever seen!

Hannah!

Who took you?

What'd you do with Hannah?

I'm here!

You're dancing!

- I feel you. - I love you!

Get on my level.

(TAMBOURINE PLAYING)

You're a really good dancer.

- So are you. - Thanks. I know.

You wanna trade shirts?

Are you kidding me? Are you a mind reader?

- Yes, I wanna trade shirts. - Whoo!

Here you go.

- How long have I been dancing with you? - What?

- How long have I been dancing with you? - Yeah.

- I wanna do more coke. - I need to do more coke.

Bye, Andrew! Bye, Andrew!

HANNAH: Bye, Andrew!

(SNORTING)

(LAUGHS)

Ew.

Ah.

(I LOVE IT PLAYING)

Give me everything.

- Okay. - Let me control you.

(GRUNTING)

Look at the doll.

- Look at her. - Okay.

(GRUNTING)

- Describe her. - Um...

- How's she feeling? - She feels sassy.

- No, she's sad. - She's sad.

(GRUNTING)

- Are you on the pill? - Yeah.

(MOANING)

(LAUGHING)

(MUSIC BLARING)

I usually hate when you wear your nipples out in public like that,

but you look so beautiful, Hannah.

- Thank you, baby. - You look so beautiful right now.

- Thank you. Uh-huh. - God, I care about you so much.

I care about you so much and we've come so far.

- We've come so far, Elijah. - You and me, we've come so far.

Honestly, I've loved you ever since the first second I met you,

since I saw you at the computer lab at Oberlin

hanging your wet thermals over a chair.

(LAUGHING)

We have so many memories.

- We have so many fucking memories. - We have so many memories.

It's just amazing.

I feel like I just want to be so honest with you right now.

- I want that. - I want to be super honest.

- I want that. - Like, I wanna tell you...

I wanna tell you that I fucked Marnie.

- Wait. What? - I fucked Marnie.

And at first, I really regretted that it had happened,

but then I realized that if that's what it took for me to accept myself,

then, as Rizzo says in Grease, "There are worse things I can do."

You know?

- You fucked Marnie? - Yes.

- When? - Um...

Two and a half, three weeks... After our party, actually.

God, I love coke!

It's like a fucking therapy session, you know?

- Excuse you, rude. - How did that happen? Whose idea was that?

- Which one of your ideas was that? - Are you okay?

- Did you fuck her in a sexual way? - I don't know.

It just sort of happened, I guess.

Did you feel all her ribs? Could you smell her hair?

I did like the smell of her and, yeah, I did feel...

- She's very ribby to an extent. - Did you have an ejaculation?

Well, I mean, if we're being honest, I lost my boner immediately.

It was like a couple pumps. What's happening right now?

- What... - No, no, don't. Are you guys so hot?

- Hey, it's not... - Are you guys so hot?

- No, it's not that bad. What's going on? -It's so insanely hot.

- Can you talk to me for a sec... - Just don't touch me.

All right, she's... Oh, don't do that.

I hate you.

I didn't even come in her.

(CELL PHONE BUZZES)

- We're In The Night Kitchen. - Elijah.

I need supplements. Where are their supplements?

Elijah, I was meant to be your last.

Oh, that is rich. You know what?

Leave it to you to make this whole night about you

and your role in my path to honest sexuality.

Did it ever occur to you that maybe I had female lovers after we broke up?

- No. - No?

Or maybe that what happened between Marnie and I had very little,

nay, nothing to do with you whatsoever?

- No. - Or maybe that Marnie's mouth

tasted like nonpetroleum lip balm and Trident Layers,

and for whatever reason that was a real fucking turn-on for me?

Or that I don't have to explain this to you, Hannah.

But, no. But, no, because we're just all living in Hannah's world,

and it's all Hannah, Hannah, Hannah all the time and...

When did you eat jerky?

That is not any concern of yours.

Laird?

Laird?

Laird?

Laird, what are you doing here?

Hannah. Hi.

Uh, what are you doing here?

- Uh... - I'm shopping for socks.

Shopping for socks?

Yeah, yeah, this is where I sock shop.

They got great prices and just great socks here.

At Metro Drugs they've got great socks?

Yeah, it's a New York secret. The best in town.

(SIGHS)

I've been following you.

Why are you following me?

To protect you.

Like the mom in Extremely Close and Extremely Loud.

I heard that movie was so sad. I didn't get to see it, but it looked so sad.

- It was sad. - ELIJAH: Yeah.

Laird, we're fine. The coke worked.

- Thank you. - Thank you so much.

- It was super fun. -It was not fun.

Yeah? That's great.

(SOBBING)

- Why are you crying, Laird? -(LAIRD SNIFFLES LOUDLY)

- I can't believe I bought you drugs. - Ugh!

I said thank you. It was a big favor.

- I already thanked you. - Yes, thank you, Laird.

Oh, man, I completely betrayed myself.

- For what? A pretty face? - Thank you.

My face is the pretty face? That's what he just said.

- I think he was speaking to me. - He's talking to me about my face.

Here. I need you to take this, okay?

I bought it when I bought yours. I can't have it in my house.

- Is it more coke? - No, this is H.

- Damn. - Okay, we don't need H.

If H is what I think it is, we don't want any H.

We can just save it for later. We might wanna give it a shot.

Hannah, I'm worried about you, okay?

Laird, I'm fine.

Please, just go home and relax with your turtle.

- Please take the drugs from my hand. - I already said okay.

-(CELL PHONE CHIMES) - And don't fucking do a stupid thing

with that shit.

Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!

- Marnie's with Booth Jonathan. - What is Booth Jonathan?

Booth Jonathan is that tiny smidge of an artist

she was obsessed with and she made me walk back and forth

in front of his house so many times.

Come on, let's go.

Laird, if you're gonna follow us anyway, just, just come.

But we might do coke in front of you, so just...

No more crying.

I'm not gonna cry.

BOOTH: No, 'cause it's not that simple.

I mean, if you grew up in the early '80s, then you would understand.

I mean, that was Reagan and 3-2-1 Contact and Teddy Ruxpin.

Yeah, no, the '90s were really just kind of like a straight line.

Super frustrating.

- The early '90s was suburban. - ELIJAH: Booth!

- This cannot be a house. - HANNAH: Booth?

- Doesn't look like it. - ELIJAH: It's for sure haunted.

- Booth! - HAN NAH: Booth!

Hello?

Hi, is Marnie here? We're friends of Marnie's.

- We're friends of Marnie's. - We need to talk to Marnie about some things.

Is this a bank?

Your friends are here.

- Oh, my God. - BOOTH: Hey.

Hey, guys. What are you doing?

- Marnie. - Fancy meeting you here.

What are you doing here?

And why do you have the junkie with you?

He's not a junkie. You were misinformed.

He is clean and he's basically my guardian angel.

(WHISPERS) This place is amazing.

What are you wearing?

(BLOWS RASPBERRY) Oh, a shirt.

You're being very rude right now.

Well, you know what? Maybe I don't care about being polite, okay?

'Cause it's a Wednesday night, baby, and I'm alive.

What do you want?

I don't want anything.

Really, I'm only here to actually let you know that I know about you and Elijah.

- Hannah... - I told her.

Yeah. My dear roommate and very serious ex-boyfriend

told me he had sex with my best friend.

Hannah, I'm very sorry.

I really didn't want you to hear about it like this.

I really, really didn't.

I don't need you to say sorry, Marnie.

That's not why I came. That's boring, okay?

What I actually need is for you to recognize that maybe I'm not the bad friend

and you're not the good friend, okay?

So you know what, Marnie?

I don't need to play by your rules anymore, okay?

I don't wanna walk with you to the far-away Rite Aid

to pick up your Cipro prescription.

And I'm sorry I don't want to go to Serendipity and drink frozen hot chocolates

with your uncle's girlfriend who is a stewardess named Eledy.

And I definitely, definitely don't care about putting on appropriate pants,

because one can really go through their whole life

wearing shorty shorts and offend almost nobody.

You could.

That's not what makes somebody a good or a bad friend.

What makes you a good friend is not doing something

that you know will intentionally really hurt another person.

And you did that.

And you looked me in the eyes again and again

and you lied to me with your eyes,

and you've said to me by not saying anything that you'd done nothing.

So guess who's the bad friend.

It's you.

So why don't you just say who's a good friend and who's a bad friend?

- I think we know. - Okay, fine!

- I'm not a good friend. - Thank you.

I don't even care.

We can keep being friends just as long as you know you're a bad one.

- Do you want some coke? - I'm gonna throw up.

Well, I'm glad this is all out in the open.

You know you're moving out, right?

Me?

Yeah. You are not gonna live with me anymore.

I understand why maybe you would feel that way,

but, but, no. But, no, I will be staying.

You're not staying.

You ruined my article. You ruined my night.

You ruined my relationship with Marnie

and, for that matter, my relationship with cocaine,

which could have been my favorite drug.

Hannah, let's get the fuck out of here.

Yes, Laird. Fuck, yes.

Thank you for getting me out of there.

Yeah. I was happy to leave, believe me.

Well, I live up there, so I'm gonna go there.

- Thank you. - Okay.

Laird.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Is this okay?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

- I can kiss you back? - Uh, I think so.

It's just for tonight, though, okay?

Yeah, that's fine.

For work.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God!

(MUSIC PLAYING)