Original subtitles

Ray, you awake?

- Ray, are you there? Are you asleep? - Huh?

- Ray? - Huh?

Ray... Oh! Ugh!

Ow!

Ray! Ray, my apartment is infested with flies.

- What? - Ray, six fat, big ones.

They were pudgy. It is not a good sign.

- You afraid of flies? - What would you think if your house...

...which previously had no flies was suddenly filled with flies?

I would think I had a dead rat under the floorboards.

That's not helpful. No. The universe is definitely...

- It's trying to tell me something. - Like what?

Like I'm dead meat, Ray.

- Do you know what I mean? - No.

Dead meat. Like stick a fork in me, I'm done.

Like, my boyfriend's disappeared somewhere in Cuba.

Now... And there's all these flies.

And now I just... I'm afraid you're gonna disappear on me too.

Is that true?

Is it?

I'm not going anywhere.

I'm still your pimp? I'm not dead meat?

You are not dead meat.

Oh, my God.

Look around. Most of these women have more money...

...than they know what to do with.

And their husbands are either too old or too busy to get erections.

Okay.

- How do you know that? - They tell me.

- Ready to order, Mrs. Eggloff? - Not yet, doll.

Mrs. Eggloff?

Oh, that's my maiden name.

Oh, you were married?

No.

See that woman over there?

That is a very horny lady.

In particular.

Her tip alone would be extremely generous.

- Do you want a date with her on Friday? - L...

I mean, what about Tanya?

What about Tanya?

The pimp job, it means a lot to her.

Well, winning Miss Michigan meant a lot to me...

...but I had to realize that wasn't my destiny.

God, you're so loyal, Ray. You're like a golden retriever.

Look, I know you think Tanya's minor leagues...

...but, okay, she has some flaws.

But we can't just cut her loose.

- Sure we can. This is capitalism. - How about we form a partnership?

- You know, like a team. - Tanya dilutes the franchise.

You're either with me or you're with her.

It's time to choose.

Why did I feel so guilty about Tanya?

I tried to just focus on the house.

And I almost had the whole place ready to get rewired.

And then...

Honey.

Who knows where the bees went?

I felt like the butt of a cosmic joke.

Hey, Mike.

You ever hear about people getting honey in their walls?

Honey. You know, like from a beehive.

I don't know what you're talking about, man.

You all right?

- No, Ray. I'm worried about the list. - What list?

Joe says there's a list of everybody getting fired.

He says my name is on it.

What? Who's they?

Quit worrying about this rumor crap, man.

You want me to go talk to Rhonda so you can calm down?

- Yeah, would you? - Yeah.

- I need some answers, man. - All right.

- Do you do this a lot? - Every week.

These guys really open you up.

Feels a little...

...personal. - You look glum.

- No, I'm okay. - I read people for a living, Jessica.

What's on your mind?

Okay, you know how you said that I have the power?

You do.

Well, it felt really great when I said it...

...but now I don't...

- I don't feel like I have it. - Maybe you're a girl...

...who doesn't know how to get what she wants.

No, I know how to get what I want. I do.

I really go for it.

Then what's the problem?

It's just that once I get it...

...I forget.

I forget why I really wanted it.

The first thing you've got to do is take charge of your pussy.

Oh. Oh, come on.

Your vagina is like a car battery, Jessica.

You've got to keep it charged.

If the battery dies, you become weak.

- And whiny. - Okay, really?

- I don't know what you're talking about. - I'm saying you could use a jump.

Oh.

How often do you screw your husband?

Um, it varies.

How many times was he inside you last week?

Last week...

Zero.

Zero? All right, that's a fucking shame.

You gotta have a husband who wants to fuck you. No...

...you need a professional.

A sex therapist.

You're right, I do. I need...

...a person to talk to about all of my issues.

And by sex therapist I mean someone who will fuck you...

...so good you don't care what your husband does or doesn't do.

You mean like... Like a...

A "professional" professional?

Why not? You deserve it.

And it's what you need.

You are a smart, wealthy, beautiful woman.

Don't you have a right to feel desirable?

But, Lenore, I am a fairly conservative person.

I have boundaries and...

You'd be surprised at what you could do to avoid another divorce.

I'm sure it's not cancerous.

My husband really thought I should get it looked at.

Well, that's my job.

- You look great, by the way. - So do you.

I mean, I don't know what you're doing...

...but whatever it is, you look exactly the same way you did in high school.

- No. - Yeah.

I heard you do Botox for Helen Massey.

- Helen's a doll. - Do you think I need it?

No. No.

No, I think you're perfect.

I wouldn't change a thing.

Isn't it funny how both of us became doctors?

In high school we had no idea where our lives were going...

And now look, I do skin, you do feet.

Yeah.

If you ever need a good podiatrist, I'm your gal.

Well, that's for sure.

Well, let's take a look at this mole that's got your husband so concerned.

Great. Yeah.

It's in a really bizarre place.

Okay.

It's right...

It's right there.

- Hm. - Are you on Facebook?

Facebook?

If you are, I'll friend you.

Rhonda.

So, what's the deal? Mike's paranoid he's on some kind of list.

There is no list. I mean, right, Rhonda?

- Rhonda? - Ray.

This whole district is bankrupt.

The whole city is bankrupt. Don't you watch TV?

- But, Rhonda, we need Mike. - This is not about Mike.

Seventy percent of the teachers in this school are about to get laid off.

What? That... That's crazy.

You'll get to reapply for your jobs next semester.

And if you get rehired you'll keep your former salary.

Not the benefits. They're gonna announce it in a couple of weeks.

What do you mean "you"?

You mean me?

I got tenure.

So does Mike.

Could things really fall apart even more?

Hey, Dad. - Yeah?

Are you gonna get fired?

Fired? No.

- Where are you? - Over here...

Just go! Save yourself!

I mean, I might get laid off.

It's temporary.

It's a maybe.

What are you gonna do? What if it happens?

Hey, don't worry about your old man, Damester.

Takes a lot to knock me down.

But how are you gonna live?

I could do a lot of things, kid.

In fact, I'm looking into a lead right now.

Don't go in there!

I just have to put it in motion.

I'll be right back.

Okay, this is a dream. I'm gonna wake up...

You guys want some Milk Duds?

Get him off! Get him off!

Dude.

It was on the cheek.

Okay, but...

...you know.

Somebody help me!

You know, this is fucking pathetic, Damon.

- What is? - You're not into me.

Oh, come on, we're in public.

You never want to mess around, even when we're alone.

Well, I'm just not ready, okay?

I feel like I'm being used, and I don't even know what for.

Look...

I understand if...

I understand if you need to break up. If...

Do what you've got to do. It won't hurt my feelings.

You're fucking with my head, straight boy.

No, please! Please, no!

Damon, what happened?

Can I talk to you for a minute? Is that okay, Hammer?

- Tanya. - Hi, Ray.

Oh, you know, I have to tell you...

...the flies are on their way out, I think.

I'm so relieved. I don't like to kill anything.

That's great, Tanya. Can I talk to you about something?

Sure, what's up?

Well...

It's about Happiness Consultants.

Yeah, what's... What's wrong?

Um... Never mind. Just forget it.

- Why did Powell leave? - I have no idea.

He just ran out on me.

Damon, that's horrible.

Will you hug me?

Take off your belt, we gotta make a tourniquet!

I love you.

Oh, my God!

- So did you dump her? - No. I tried.

But...

Look, Lenore, last time I checked, capitalism was about supply and demand.

Now I've got the supply and I've got a demand.

We're gonna do this my way.

Take it or leave it.

- Are you gonna...? Did you bring a baggie? - Excuse me?

Did you bring along a baggie or a newspaper?

The children... The children who play here...

This is the dog area.

If it'll make you feel better, find something in the trash...

...and scoop the shit up yourself.

It's okay, I don't care that much.

Lenore, you said you had news for me.

I couldn't understand your message. Why are we out here in the pouring rain?

Well, you might see this as bad news, but really it's good news.

Why would I see it as bad news?

I have a feeling that no matter what I say you look at it on the sad-sack side.

I am not a sad sack. Will you stop insulting me?

I have better things to do with my morning.

Stop, listen. I had lunch with Ray.

And he decided that Happiness Consultants should be run by the three of us.

At first I thought it was a horrible idea. Then I came around to it.

Except I don't like the name Happiness Consultants. We should change it.

What?

Yeah, he wanted to tell you himself, but I thought I'd beat him to the punch.

No.

Wait, Ray told you that I would give you half my business?

Honestly, this is a great deal for you, Tanya.

Absolutely not.

Be reasonable, T-Brain.

Ray needs more savvy than your management team can provide.

We all bring strengths to the table. For example, I bring a business head.

You, Tanya, bring a strong sense of ethics.

And Ray brings a big dick.

We can be like the Three Musketeers.

Lenore, Ray is my prostitute!

It is not my fault you can't keep your ho in line.

Go ask him if you don't believe me.

Look, Tanya, it's never gonna work out for you and Ray alone.

The loser girl never gets the football player in the end.

- It only happens in the movies. - I don't understand.

I don't understand the words falling out of your mouth.

Well, then read my lips: Share Ray...

...or no Ray. Got it?

Which do you want?

Fuck you!

I wanted the house, but I had a tent.

I wanted to stay married, but my wife ran off.

I wanted to play ball, but I taught history.

I wanted to teach...

...but I was gonna lose my job.

Oh, shit!

I wanted electricity and I got honey.

Ding-dong.

- Hi. - What are you cursing for?

If you haven't noticed, Mrs. Koontz, things don't go easy for me.

Depends on what you mean by things, you know?

- Some things go easy for you. - Like what?

Well, you've got me as a next-door neighbor.

I'd heard you found honey in your house and I was wondering, could you...

...fill up my honey jar?

- Fill up your honey jar? - Yeah.

I want to make a carrot cake.

I got a lot of work here.

You know, Ray, sometimes in life it's best to forget the big problems...

...and just fuck for a little while.

Oh, shit.

Oh, shit, Ray.

Oh, shit, Ray!

Oh, shit, Ray!

Ray?

- Oh, my God. - Oh, God!

Whose client is this?

Oh, I should have known. Ugh!

Hey. Hey!

What are you barging into my house for?

Did she come from Lenore? Are you working with Lenore?

What? That's my neighbor.

God, you're screwing your next-door neighbor?

- That's really mature. - Shh.

Will you back off, Tanya?

I am gonna have sex for fun from time to time.

Fuck you, Ray! Fuck you! Goddamn it!

Goddamn it!

What am I to you?

You don't even know what it means to be...

To be a friend.

You hungry?

I thought you didn't like chain restaurants.

This one is family owned.

- So now you love sausages and hot dogs? - It's comfort food, Ray.

I don't know if you could tell, but I could use a little comfort.

Yeah, I see.

Men suck sometimes.

A lot of times, frankly. Will you pass the mustard, please?

- Fuck. - Here.

I'm gonna get laid off.

Oh, my God. I'm sorry.

I'll manage.

Look, Ray, come on.

Let's just focus, all right?

Let's just focus. We'll work twice as hard.

Every day, all night. We can put our minds to it.

We've got the gumption.

We're unbreakable. Come on, Ray. We can rule the world.

Tanya.

You've got a good soul.

But I need a professional on board.

It'll be okay. Kind of like a threesome.

Kind of like a threesome, huh? You ever been in a threesome?

Every one I've ever been in...

...the other two people screw while all I do is bring them water.

Lenore is a bottom feeder, Ray.

She can't understand Happiness Consultants.

She's the most unhappy person I know.

Oh, God. Don't you want to bring happiness into the world?

At least on some level?

Sure, Tanya.

But right now, I'll settle for a living.

So there I was in a fancy hotel bar...

...wearing a suit I hated even more than the last one.

Did I make the right call?

What would Ernie Banks have done?

Welcome to the majors, Ray.

Okay, this one is a natural blond with a great body and a lousy life.

She hasn't had a good lay in ages.

She's a little nervous but I think it's gonna be okay.

Just do your thing.

She's gonna meet you upstairs in half an hour in room 435.

You look good.

There are moments in your life when you realize God is joking.

He's up there... Hell, maybe she's up there...

...laughing her head off.

Either way, you're fucked.

Ugh.

- Hello? - Hey, Jess. It's me, Ray.

- Is everything okay? - Everything's fine, yeah.

- Something wrong with the kids? - Kids are fine.

I just... I'm calling to say hi.

Just wanted to see how you're doing.

How you doing, Jess?

I'm fine, Ray.

I'm a little busy. I'm with my mother.

We're at the mall.

- At the mall, huh? - Yeah. I mean...

What do you want, Ray?

Nothing.

I mean, if this is about the kids moving back in with you...

...this really isn't the time. - I'm not calling about the kids, Jess.

Actually...

...I think you're a pretty good mom.

Okay?

Don't use reverse psychology on me. I know you want them back.

No, stop it, Jess. Please, just drop it.

I think you're a good mom.

And I...

I think I'm a pretty good dad too.

Why are you saying all this, Ray?

I don't know.

Sometimes it's good...

...to tell people the truth.

You know?

Someone you've known for a long time.

Oh. Okay.

Jess?

You there?

I'm here.

Well, thanks for picking up the phone.

It wasn't always the case, you know?

No.

Ray, I gotta go.

My... My mother is waving for me to join her.

Well, you...

You tell your mom...

...that I said hi.

I will.

I used to have a family.

I used to have a wife, kids, a house, a job.

Now, well...

Now I had my dick.

A dick and a dream.

If that's not the American way...

...what is?