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To come to this day,
after such long journey,
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Where there's no longer
a journey left.
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Where you can finally merge
with the beloved.
4
00:01:01,240 --> 00:01:03,230
Okay.
I am rolling.
5
00:01:09,040 --> 00:01:10,480
My name is Will.
6
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I always wanted to know,
why am I here?
7
00:01:18,100 --> 00:01:19,720
What is the point?
8
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How do I live a meaningful life?
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I wanted to know everything.
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Hasn't everybody asked
themselves these questions?
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The truth about the mystery of
the universe.
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00:01:39,730 --> 00:01:43,150
I went to my great grandmother's
open casket when I was four
13
00:01:43,420 --> 00:01:46,910
and became fascinated
by the concept of life and death.
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00:01:49,260 --> 00:01:52,390
I was raised catholic.
I was even an altar boy.
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00:01:52,590 --> 00:01:54,830
I was quite fascinated
by all of it.
16
00:01:55,220 --> 00:01:59,960
Jesus carries the cross.
They're nailing him to the cross.
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00:02:00,000 --> 00:02:02,690
They're all at point bloody, and...
18
00:02:02,990 --> 00:02:05,400
I started making movies
when I was a kid.
19
00:02:14,670 --> 00:02:16,950
I found an eight
millimeter camera.
20
00:02:17,310 --> 00:02:20,370
At first there were just fun
and blowing things up.
21
00:02:36,670 --> 00:02:38,460
I had grown up pretty lucky.
22
00:02:40,310 --> 00:02:43,830
But as a kid, nobody seemed
very content or happy to me.
23
00:02:44,580 --> 00:02:47,190
So I decided
there was something deeper,
24
00:02:47,210 --> 00:02:50,690
a secret that nobody
seemed to know.
25
00:02:54,990 --> 00:02:56,430
But then I went
to college and I started
26
00:02:56,450 --> 00:02:59,650
to use film as a way
to explore the meaning of life...
27
00:02:59,670 --> 00:03:01,550
To explore my world.
28
00:03:13,100 --> 00:03:16,830
But by the time I finished film school,
I wasn't closer to knowing who I was,
29
00:03:17,110 --> 00:03:19,600
what I wanted,
where I was going,
30
00:03:19,620 --> 00:03:21,930
and most importantly, why.
31
00:03:23,580 --> 00:03:25,600
I moved back home after college.
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00:03:25,890 --> 00:03:28,680
My mother was very disturbed
to find out that I was gay,
33
00:03:28,710 --> 00:03:31,810
and she told me to get the hell
out of the house, and go support myself.
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00:03:33,560 --> 00:03:35,900
This is what led me
to my huge adventure.
35
00:03:36,660 --> 00:03:38,790
This is my story
about what happened to me
36
00:03:38,820 --> 00:03:41,590
on my 22-year search
for the truth.
37
00:03:57,760 --> 00:03:59,750
[♪ Hooked on a Feeling
by Blue Swede]
38
00:04:05,960 --> 00:04:08,990
♪ I can't stop this feeling
39
00:04:10,150 --> 00:04:12,800
♪ Deep inside of me
40
00:04:14,370 --> 00:04:16,870
♪ You just don't realize
41
00:04:17,580 --> 00:04:19,270
♪ What you do to me
42
00:04:21,380 --> 00:04:23,060
♪ When you hold me
43
00:04:23,500 --> 00:04:25,510
♪ In your arms so tight
44
00:04:25,530 --> 00:04:27,110
♪ You let me know
45
00:04:27,730 --> 00:04:30,100
♪ Everything's all right
46
00:04:30,500 --> 00:04:33,200
♪ I-I-I-I-I'm
47
00:04:33,550 --> 00:04:35,280
♪ Hooked on a feeling
48
00:04:36,760 --> 00:04:39,560
It was the middle of the '80s
and the yuppie generation.
49
00:04:39,590 --> 00:04:42,000
We were all searching
for something different.
50
00:04:45,420 --> 00:04:47,020
This was not my path.
51
00:04:47,040 --> 00:04:48,850
I had got accepted
into grad school.
52
00:04:48,880 --> 00:04:51,430
I was going to get a Ph.D.
in child psychology
53
00:04:51,460 --> 00:04:53,300
and I had my whole
life planned out.
54
00:04:53,320 --> 00:04:54,740
And then I met
some of these people.
55
00:04:54,770 --> 00:04:56,490
They were so alive,
56
00:04:56,520 --> 00:04:58,500
living from their heart,
and playing
57
00:04:58,520 --> 00:05:00,840
and jumping
in ice cold rivers,
58
00:05:00,870 --> 00:05:03,230
and hiking through
the forest at night,
59
00:05:03,260 --> 00:05:05,710
and oh, my God,
I want me some of that.
60
00:05:05,730 --> 00:05:07,900
Some of them were
some of the smartest,
61
00:05:07,920 --> 00:05:10,370
most beautiful people
I had ever met in my life.
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00:05:10,690 --> 00:05:12,840
We started it.
This is what we wanted.
63
00:05:12,860 --> 00:05:16,800
It was our little utopia
in the middle of this big, giant city.
64
00:05:16,830 --> 00:05:18,800
Constantly,
you were being fed,
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00:05:18,820 --> 00:05:21,100
like, your soul was being fed
66
00:05:21,120 --> 00:05:25,560
with love and with
inspiration and awe.
67
00:05:25,810 --> 00:05:28,180
I wanted everybody,
everybody in the world,
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00:05:28,210 --> 00:05:29,470
to experience this.
69
00:05:29,810 --> 00:05:32,640
I can remember feeling
so fulfilled.
70
00:05:33,060 --> 00:05:36,400
I said, "Dad, I want to give
my life to God."
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00:05:36,540 --> 00:05:38,950
And he was on the next
flight out there,
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00:05:39,230 --> 00:05:40,550
to come get me.
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00:05:41,810 --> 00:05:43,970
The people
that were there were looking
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00:05:43,990 --> 00:05:46,810
for spirituality,
but all of a sudden,
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00:05:46,840 --> 00:05:48,890
you had a built-in family.
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00:05:48,910 --> 00:05:51,640
- [♪ Alive by Cabot Budlong]
- ♪ On earth this day
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00:05:52,520 --> 00:05:53,530
♪ Livin' on earth
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00:05:53,560 --> 00:05:55,130
♪ Well, what more can I say?
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00:05:55,190 --> 00:05:58,700
♪ La-la-la-la-la-la
la-la-la
80
00:05:58,730 --> 00:06:01,860
♪ La-la-la-la
la-la-la-la-la
81
00:06:01,880 --> 00:06:05,310
♪ La-la-la-la
la-la-la-la
82
00:06:17,240 --> 00:06:19,850
What would you like
to surrender right now?
83
00:06:20,820 --> 00:06:23,060
And the person
in the middle will say
84
00:06:23,720 --> 00:06:25,680
whatever they are surrendering.
85
00:06:28,090 --> 00:06:29,160
Money...
86
00:06:30,980 --> 00:06:32,310
bad words...
87
00:06:32,850 --> 00:06:34,420
Attachments to money...
88
00:06:35,280 --> 00:06:36,760
and to sex.
89
00:06:36,790 --> 00:06:40,040
...this person's body,
we take away your attachment.
90
00:06:40,060 --> 00:06:42,230
You're already through the air,
so throw it away.
91
00:06:43,310 --> 00:06:46,920
I fell into a group of the most
amazing people I'd ever met.
92
00:06:49,260 --> 00:06:52,460
It was my sister, Amy,
who first told me about her friends,
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00:06:52,490 --> 00:06:55,180
who called themselves
the Buddhafield.
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00:06:56,590 --> 00:07:00,020
People ask me all the time,
"How did you end up there?"
95
00:07:00,440 --> 00:07:03,680
I was raised
in Catholic school, and...
96
00:07:04,000 --> 00:07:08,050
I always had
a lot of questions for the nuns.
97
00:07:08,070 --> 00:07:10,830
When I would go home
and tell my mom what I asked,
98
00:07:10,850 --> 00:07:12,920
she would say
you can't ask them that.
99
00:07:12,950 --> 00:07:15,540
And I'm, like,
no, I want to know.
100
00:07:17,150 --> 00:07:18,950
I wanted to know myself
101
00:07:18,980 --> 00:07:21,390
beyond the superficiality
of the world that I was living in.
102
00:07:21,420 --> 00:07:24,720
Life can't be just this thing
where you just live and work and die.
103
00:07:24,750 --> 00:07:26,590
There's gotta be
something more.
104
00:07:26,880 --> 00:07:30,650
I grew up with a family
of really expressive,
105
00:07:30,680 --> 00:07:33,160
artistic hippie-type characters.
106
00:07:33,380 --> 00:07:36,650
I also had
no guidance growing up.
107
00:07:37,200 --> 00:07:40,810
Living in Chicago, where I grew up
in the streets, was very violent.
108
00:07:40,840 --> 00:07:42,340
And when it came
to the Buddhafield,
109
00:07:42,360 --> 00:07:44,580
not really knowing
what real love was,
110
00:07:44,600 --> 00:07:47,640
that's what I started
to feel, like, really deeply.
111
00:07:48,210 --> 00:07:53,120
I always had this yearning
to know really why we're here.
112
00:07:53,730 --> 00:07:56,460
I grew up with a very,
uh, fundamentalist, uh,
113
00:07:56,490 --> 00:07:59,360
fire and brimstone church
with the fear of God and all.
114
00:08:00,190 --> 00:08:02,660
My mom kicked me out
of the house when I was 15,
115
00:08:02,690 --> 00:08:04,970
so yeah, I was
looking for stability.
116
00:08:05,220 --> 00:08:07,560
When I came to the group,
it felt like,
117
00:08:07,810 --> 00:08:09,140
okay, this is going
to be for life.
118
00:08:09,170 --> 00:08:10,360
It was like a marriage.
119
00:08:11,010 --> 00:08:13,390
I grew up with a real
problem with authority...
120
00:08:13,650 --> 00:08:15,390
major authority problem.
121
00:08:15,620 --> 00:08:18,220
Really hasn't changed much,
actually, I have to tell you truthfully.
122
00:08:18,550 --> 00:08:20,990
When I was very, very young,
I wanted to be a scientist,
123
00:08:21,020 --> 00:08:22,420
then I wanted
to be an artist.
124
00:08:22,730 --> 00:08:25,020
And there was always
a running theme through it
125
00:08:25,050 --> 00:08:27,050
that I wanted
to be enlightened.
126
00:08:27,500 --> 00:08:31,150
I felt very lost,
and I felt empty,
127
00:08:31,490 --> 00:08:34,070
like there was
something missing.
128
00:08:34,300 --> 00:08:38,450
As a child, I mean, there was
a lot of stuff going on in my family.
129
00:08:38,480 --> 00:08:41,160
Suicide attempts
every couple months,
130
00:08:41,180 --> 00:08:42,930
a lot of abuse, um...
131
00:08:43,870 --> 00:08:45,690
I wanted to be a politician.
132
00:08:50,880 --> 00:08:52,300
I wanted freedom.
133
00:08:52,720 --> 00:08:56,030
I wanted freedom
somehow from this self.
134
00:08:57,540 --> 00:08:59,620
We were letting go of our minds.
135
00:08:59,920 --> 00:09:02,100
We were dropping our egos.
136
00:09:03,420 --> 00:09:05,740
I just started experiencing
a higher part of myself
137
00:09:05,760 --> 00:09:07,960
that was beyond
anything that I'd known.
138
00:09:10,520 --> 00:09:14,020
And it was the teacher who was
guiding us every step of the way.
139
00:09:20,600 --> 00:09:22,000
The first time I met
the teacher was
140
00:09:22,020 --> 00:09:24,420
at one of the Buddhafield's
weekly meetings
141
00:09:24,440 --> 00:09:26,720
in West Hollywood
called Sat Sang.
142
00:09:27,920 --> 00:09:30,470
I was told
his name was Michel.
143
00:09:31,780 --> 00:09:38,780
He just was soft, and his energy was
just, um, still, you know.
144
00:09:38,810 --> 00:09:40,930
And I just thought wow,
what a beautiful man.
145
00:09:42,700 --> 00:09:45,060
If you think of tomorrow,
you're unhappy.
146
00:09:45,080 --> 00:09:47,860
If you think of the past,
you can become miserable.
147
00:09:48,660 --> 00:09:50,800
And happiness is
wherever you are.
148
00:09:51,120 --> 00:09:53,450
Wherever you are is
where happiness is.
149
00:09:58,010 --> 00:10:01,270
He spoke as if he had
gone into the cosmos and come back,
150
00:10:01,300 --> 00:10:04,260
and was here to tell us
about it and take us there.
151
00:10:07,370 --> 00:10:10,300
Have you made contact
with the eternal,
152
00:10:11,070 --> 00:10:13,850
or are you still obsessed
with the momentary?
153
00:10:15,400 --> 00:10:16,840
When are you going
to wake up?
154
00:10:17,350 --> 00:10:20,170
When are you going
to realize what you're doing
155
00:10:20,410 --> 00:10:22,830
with this precious energy,
156
00:10:22,860 --> 00:10:24,930
with this precious opportunity?
157
00:10:28,640 --> 00:10:30,280
He told us he had a master
158
00:10:30,510 --> 00:10:33,050
that had led him
to a great spiritual awakening.
159
00:10:34,280 --> 00:10:39,490
You speak around here
and you listen to what is said to you
160
00:10:39,860 --> 00:10:41,320
and you'll be liberated.
161
00:10:41,340 --> 00:10:43,030
That much I can tell you.
162
00:10:44,910 --> 00:10:47,390
I wanted to have
a spiritual teacher
163
00:10:47,410 --> 00:10:49,670
who could teach me
how to be free.
164
00:10:49,900 --> 00:10:51,560
I wanted a mentor.
165
00:10:51,590 --> 00:10:54,120
I wanted somebody
who was going to guide me.
166
00:10:54,140 --> 00:10:56,700
They do this in India
all the time. There's gurus there.
167
00:10:56,720 --> 00:10:59,000
This is just the modern-day
version of that in America.
168
00:10:59,240 --> 00:11:02,490
♪ It's so easy to be in love
169
00:11:03,270 --> 00:11:06,600
♪ It's so easy to be in love
170
00:11:07,970 --> 00:11:13,110
♪♪
171
00:11:26,530 --> 00:11:28,130
He was contemporary.
172
00:11:28,400 --> 00:11:30,520
He wasn't some little old man
173
00:11:30,540 --> 00:11:32,420
with a gray beard
sitting in a dhoti.
174
00:11:32,440 --> 00:11:35,190
He was wearing speedos
and Ray-Bans, you know,
175
00:11:35,220 --> 00:11:39,230
and he was dancing, and he was doing,
you know, contemporary music.
176
00:11:39,250 --> 00:11:41,580
He spoke four or five languages.
177
00:11:41,600 --> 00:11:44,580
He was amazingly
humorous, witty...
178
00:11:44,820 --> 00:11:46,470
Very playful, like a child.
179
00:11:46,500 --> 00:11:48,510
He could do something like, oh, my God,
I can't believe you just did that.
180
00:11:48,530 --> 00:11:49,640
He could dance.
181
00:11:49,690 --> 00:11:50,680
He was artistic.
182
00:11:50,710 --> 00:11:52,640
He was all those things
we all wanted to be.
183
00:11:52,670 --> 00:11:54,700
He was unlike anyone
I'd ever met before.
184
00:11:54,730 --> 00:11:56,990
He encouraged me
to drop all my ideas
185
00:11:57,010 --> 00:11:59,340
of what I thought
I was supposed to be.
186
00:12:00,680 --> 00:12:03,190
I finally felt
like I was on the right path.
187
00:12:03,580 --> 00:12:06,490
I attended every meeting,
every group outing we would take,
188
00:12:06,520 --> 00:12:08,780
and even went to Michel's
weekly individual
189
00:12:08,810 --> 00:12:11,440
hypnotherapy sessions
called Cleansings.
190
00:12:11,730 --> 00:12:14,890
I really felt like something
important was happening in my life.
191
00:12:26,040 --> 00:12:28,390
- Namaste.
- Namaste.
192
00:12:28,420 --> 00:12:29,790
Well, look who arrived.
193
00:12:29,820 --> 00:12:31,630
What's Holy Company doing?
194
00:12:31,650 --> 00:12:33,300
I really fell in love with...
195
00:12:34,320 --> 00:12:36,140
other people first.
196
00:12:36,650 --> 00:12:37,840
What are you doing?
197
00:12:42,510 --> 00:12:44,430
We were together 24/7.
198
00:12:44,460 --> 00:12:48,680
We lived together,
we ate together, played together.
199
00:12:48,700 --> 00:12:51,220
Everybody that I knew was
in the Buddhafield.
200
00:12:51,260 --> 00:12:54,310
My circle, my family,
was the Buddhafield.
201
00:12:59,430 --> 00:13:02,360
I lived in a house
with about eight people.
202
00:13:02,390 --> 00:13:04,330
It was warm and safe.
203
00:13:04,820 --> 00:13:06,580
Nobody ever went hungry.
204
00:13:07,080 --> 00:13:08,890
Nobody was ever
gonna be homeless.
205
00:13:08,910 --> 00:13:10,160
You always had a place.
206
00:13:10,650 --> 00:13:13,470
Everyone was supporting each other
with helping with food,
207
00:13:13,490 --> 00:13:16,730
helping with cooking.
It was-- It was so idyllic.
208
00:13:16,990 --> 00:13:20,170
I didn't drink caffeine,
I didn't drink a glass of wine.
209
00:13:20,200 --> 00:13:23,600
I mean, I can't imagine
living any cleaner.
210
00:13:23,630 --> 00:13:26,860
It was really advocated
that we exercise and take care of ourselves.
211
00:13:27,080 --> 00:13:28,390
This was a lifestyle.
212
00:13:28,610 --> 00:13:31,130
We lived in houses,
we paid our own rent.
213
00:13:31,160 --> 00:13:32,310
We had jobs.
214
00:13:32,340 --> 00:13:33,580
I did personal training.
215
00:13:33,600 --> 00:13:34,980
I owned my own business.
216
00:13:35,000 --> 00:13:36,710
I was very successful
with money.
217
00:13:36,980 --> 00:13:39,280
If I had a job,
obviously, my money went
218
00:13:39,310 --> 00:13:41,310
toward my rent and my groceries,
219
00:13:41,340 --> 00:13:44,260
but whatever needed
to be bought or built,
220
00:13:44,290 --> 00:13:47,000
we all pitched in and paid for it.
221
00:13:48,490 --> 00:13:51,600
- Need some help.
- Another example of service happening.
222
00:13:51,630 --> 00:13:54,230
Service was an action you did selflessly.
223
00:13:54,250 --> 00:13:57,020
It was just for others, for God.
224
00:13:57,050 --> 00:13:58,320
I loved service.
225
00:13:58,350 --> 00:14:02,910
I calculated and I did service
40 hours a week, plus worked.
226
00:14:03,140 --> 00:14:06,740
We started doing service
for a couple of quadraplegics
227
00:14:06,760 --> 00:14:09,440
that were involved in the group,
and helping them through their day.
228
00:14:09,470 --> 00:14:11,060
It made me feel like...
229
00:14:11,780 --> 00:14:13,120
like I had a purpose.
230
00:14:22,080 --> 00:14:24,950
By the time I was in my late 20s,
I had taken on the role
231
00:14:24,970 --> 00:14:27,660
of the group's
de facto filmmaker.
232
00:14:33,370 --> 00:14:35,450
That would be
your first committment...
233
00:14:36,960 --> 00:14:39,190
to dedicate your life
to certain knowing
234
00:14:39,210 --> 00:14:42,480
and your spiritual master's
work on this earth.
235
00:14:45,160 --> 00:14:48,020
My films were like a way
of giving back to the group.
236
00:14:48,400 --> 00:14:52,080
They were the perfect medium
for sharing Michel's teachings.
237
00:14:52,470 --> 00:14:54,770
I even directed
a commercial for Wings,
238
00:14:55,010 --> 00:14:57,680
a hair product made
by some members of the group.
239
00:14:58,410 --> 00:15:02,420
The profits we earned helped fund
the Buddhafield and the master's travels.
240
00:15:03,070 --> 00:15:05,040
There was enough support
within the group
241
00:15:05,070 --> 00:15:06,600
for me to do what I wanted:
242
00:15:08,350 --> 00:15:12,300
capture our experiences
and share Michel's message of love.
243
00:15:14,920 --> 00:15:17,320
We used to joke,
even in the early days,
244
00:15:17,550 --> 00:15:18,890
if this was a cult,
245
00:15:18,920 --> 00:15:20,830
at least it was a really good cult.
246
00:15:21,680 --> 00:15:24,190
One of the first people I wanted
to help bring into the group
247
00:15:24,220 --> 00:15:26,410
was my middle sister, Lori.
248
00:15:26,970 --> 00:15:30,000
My brother and sister said
you have to come up here.
249
00:15:30,030 --> 00:15:34,020
It's so beautiful. You'll get
all the healing you need, and
250
00:15:34,040 --> 00:15:36,260
heal from your
eating disorder,
251
00:15:36,290 --> 00:15:39,270
and heal
from your rape trauma.
252
00:15:39,480 --> 00:15:41,210
I knew I needed healing.
253
00:15:41,240 --> 00:15:42,580
I mean,
I knew I was messed up.
254
00:15:42,600 --> 00:15:44,970
That's something
I've always known about myself.
255
00:15:46,520 --> 00:15:50,570
We supported Will, Amy, and Lori
to do whatever it is they wanted to do.
256
00:15:50,880 --> 00:15:52,820
If they needed more answers,
257
00:15:52,850 --> 00:15:55,860
my husband and I thought we had
worked to give them those answers,
258
00:15:55,890 --> 00:15:57,950
but apparently, we didn't do enough.
259
00:15:58,370 --> 00:16:01,590
They needed something that they
weren't getting.
260
00:16:04,230 --> 00:16:08,620
Something happened.
Something deep in me in that moment said
261
00:16:08,650 --> 00:16:10,490
I will never leave this.
262
00:16:11,420 --> 00:16:16,820
One day, I asked someone to ask
if there was anything I could do for him.
263
00:16:17,050 --> 00:16:18,640
It sounds so small.
264
00:16:19,320 --> 00:16:23,350
He said you can make me
a fruit salad every morning.
265
00:16:23,950 --> 00:16:27,950
So I would go to the store and I would
buy the most beautiful fruit I could find,
266
00:16:27,970 --> 00:16:30,590
and I started carving
Buddhas out of papaya.
267
00:16:30,610 --> 00:16:32,650
I carved the last supper out of fruit.
268
00:16:32,680 --> 00:16:35,960
I would spend hours,
and it was within my being
269
00:16:35,980 --> 00:16:38,350
I was making a fruit salad for God.
270
00:16:38,840 --> 00:16:45,050
One day, I came home and my roommate,
who was very closely serving the master,
271
00:16:45,080 --> 00:16:49,020
was taking one of my fruit salads
and sliding it into a blender
272
00:16:49,050 --> 00:16:51,290
and making a smoothie,
and I was just like...
273
00:16:52,650 --> 00:16:56,520
And I kept making those fruit salads,
even though I knew he wasn't eating them,
274
00:16:56,550 --> 00:16:59,870
because there was no other way
that I could give him anything.
275
00:18:05,760 --> 00:18:12,200
Shakti is the transference of energy
from the master to the disciple.
276
00:18:14,550 --> 00:18:18,940
We'd just leave there so blissed out
and high-- without drugs.
277
00:18:19,190 --> 00:18:20,730
My body started convulsing
278
00:18:20,750 --> 00:18:23,910
and all these kinds of things
kind of started happening.
279
00:18:27,120 --> 00:18:30,910
When he touched me,
I was no longer myself.
280
00:18:35,450 --> 00:18:41,280
There was a profound
experience where I felt a current,
281
00:18:41,300 --> 00:18:45,220
where I felt like, oh,
there's electricity happening.
282
00:18:45,890 --> 00:18:51,140
And I see this sort of, like,
flashing light, like-- like lightning,
283
00:18:51,510 --> 00:18:55,120
sound so loud,
like a jet airplane.
284
00:18:57,210 --> 00:19:00,150
It's pretty addictive.
285
00:19:04,440 --> 00:19:07,200
I was experiencing
an LSD-like state.
286
00:19:07,220 --> 00:19:09,800
Colors were moving around him.
287
00:19:10,060 --> 00:19:12,580
There was a phenomenon
attached to this, now.
288
00:19:12,610 --> 00:19:15,590
It's not just these good
feelings I'm having.
289
00:19:15,980 --> 00:19:19,730
Now there's this, like,
flashing light happening inside me.
290
00:19:22,090 --> 00:19:24,430
More than shakti,
there was a greater experience
291
00:19:24,450 --> 00:19:27,190
that only Michel
could reveal to us.
292
00:19:27,940 --> 00:19:30,000
It was the ultimate
step we needed
293
00:19:30,020 --> 00:19:31,800
to take us to enlightenment.
294
00:19:50,920 --> 00:19:56,660
We were told, uh, that he would have
a day set aside where we could come
295
00:19:56,680 --> 00:20:00,800
and ask him for the direct
experience of God,
296
00:20:01,020 --> 00:20:02,880
and he called it the Knowing.
297
00:20:05,450 --> 00:20:10,170
The Knowing was based on this book
called the Bhagavad Gita.
298
00:20:10,260 --> 00:20:13,490
It's this Hindu book
where Krishna reveals the--
299
00:20:13,520 --> 00:20:17,320
the direct experience of God
to his disciple, Arjuna.
300
00:20:17,340 --> 00:20:19,750
I was like, yes,
301
00:20:20,280 --> 00:20:21,630
that resonated with me.
302
00:20:21,660 --> 00:20:24,550
I was like, I knew,
I knew it was possible.
303
00:20:25,730 --> 00:20:28,820
The Knowing was
the realization
304
00:20:28,850 --> 00:20:32,350
of being able to see
and hear and taste God.
305
00:20:33,050 --> 00:20:35,440
You could only comprehend
what it means
306
00:20:35,470 --> 00:20:41,160
to finally have God be revealed
to you in His purest form, finally.
307
00:20:42,330 --> 00:20:43,690
That was
308
00:20:43,710 --> 00:20:45,410
something that I
309
00:20:45,440 --> 00:20:51,230
felt like I had been looking for
my entire life up to that point.
310
00:20:51,660 --> 00:20:58,390
I had gone to school, I had a degree,
I had a great job, I was engaged,
311
00:20:58,410 --> 00:21:02,680
and yet, when this happened,
it was like,
312
00:21:03,300 --> 00:21:05,140
all of that meant nothing.
313
00:21:05,700 --> 00:21:08,980
So who wants to ask
for the Knowing today?
314
00:21:14,800 --> 00:21:17,290
One of the things that made
the Knowing so intriguing
315
00:21:17,310 --> 00:21:20,160
was that not everyone was going
to be able to receive it.
316
00:21:29,800 --> 00:21:32,250
I wanted what I thought he had.
317
00:21:32,270 --> 00:21:33,850
I wanted the Knowing.
318
00:21:34,100 --> 00:21:38,020
I wanted this promise of enlightenment.
319
00:21:40,710 --> 00:21:43,990
A ceremony would occur
over the course of several days,
320
00:21:44,010 --> 00:21:47,900
where individuals were able to ask
if they were ready for the Knowing.
321
00:21:48,620 --> 00:21:51,750
Those chosen would receive
the experience of God.
322
00:21:54,960 --> 00:21:58,560
He said you have to give
everything up and I will know,
323
00:21:58,780 --> 00:22:02,750
because you will be asked before
you receive this experience.
324
00:22:02,980 --> 00:22:05,130
I'll know if you're telling
the truth or not.
325
00:22:05,150 --> 00:22:08,100
So I was like, I better really do
some soul searching.
326
00:22:10,830 --> 00:22:12,260
As devoted as I was,
327
00:22:12,290 --> 00:22:15,060
I was still nervous
that he wouldn't think I was ready.
328
00:22:18,700 --> 00:22:20,520
One night,
he spoke to me alone.
329
00:22:21,440 --> 00:22:23,540
He had something
he needed to tell me.
330
00:22:25,180 --> 00:22:28,450
He said that he had been up
all night fighting with God,
331
00:22:28,960 --> 00:22:30,400
fighting for my life.
332
00:22:31,720 --> 00:22:34,410
I was fated to have
a terrible accident.
333
00:22:35,260 --> 00:22:36,750
I was supposed to die.
334
00:22:39,040 --> 00:22:42,370
He said I needed to follow his guidance
and I would be okay.
335
00:22:45,880 --> 00:22:47,530
It was so hard to believe,
336
00:22:48,250 --> 00:22:49,650
but I trusted him.
337
00:22:54,210 --> 00:22:57,870
The very next day, I would find out
if I received the Knowing.
338
00:23:01,540 --> 00:23:05,680
This day was going
to meet God, okay?
339
00:23:05,710 --> 00:23:08,730
Not the president,
not Brad Pitt.
340
00:23:08,750 --> 00:23:10,640
This was God.
341
00:23:10,670 --> 00:23:13,590
So you didn't want
to take this lightly.
342
00:23:14,440 --> 00:23:17,770
We were up in the woods,
and he looks into your eyes
343
00:23:17,800 --> 00:23:23,960
with, like, you know, this open-eyed
meditation that's so overwhelming.
344
00:23:26,940 --> 00:23:29,630
And he said, "What do you want?"
345
00:23:29,650 --> 00:23:32,880
And I told him that I wanted
to have the Knowing revealed to me.
346
00:23:34,370 --> 00:23:37,970
He said, "hmm,"
but it was very doubtful.
347
00:23:37,990 --> 00:23:40,340
He was really playing
with that for me.
348
00:23:44,760 --> 00:23:46,290
He said, "Bow down,"
and I did,
349
00:23:46,320 --> 00:23:51,060
and he said, "You will receive the Knowing,
and you will know God directly."
350
00:24:24,910 --> 00:24:27,950
And he said,
"I think you're ready for it."
351
00:24:34,150 --> 00:24:37,230
Something in me changed,
and literally, for three days,
352
00:24:37,260 --> 00:24:39,100
I thought I was on an acid trip.
353
00:24:39,300 --> 00:24:41,140
And I-I felt atoms,
354
00:24:41,160 --> 00:24:44,580
and I saw things,
and I kept checking myself,
355
00:24:44,600 --> 00:24:46,820
like, wow, is this real?
356
00:24:49,760 --> 00:24:52,290
And every time I connect
to the light, I'm just...
357
00:24:52,310 --> 00:24:54,220
I'm so amazed.
358
00:24:54,440 --> 00:24:56,690
It's not like
there's just a light.
359
00:24:56,720 --> 00:25:00,890
There's, like, colors,
and patterns, and they keep changing.
360
00:25:00,910 --> 00:25:03,090
I mean, there's, like,
these spinning checkerboards.
361
00:25:03,110 --> 00:25:06,070
The brightest little dots,
and each one is a little rainbow.
362
00:25:06,100 --> 00:25:09,060
Then these little electrons come
flying all over the place.
363
00:25:15,430 --> 00:25:19,210
I wasn't trusted to have
the Knowing revealed to me.
364
00:25:21,140 --> 00:25:24,950
Basically, he'd said,
"Not this time, Emiliana.
365
00:25:24,980 --> 00:25:27,610
"I think
you're not quite ready, yet."
366
00:25:27,630 --> 00:25:30,680
My sister had been there
for six years working like a slave.
367
00:25:30,710 --> 00:25:32,570
I mean, like a slave.
368
00:25:32,790 --> 00:25:34,310
Of course
it made me feel inadequate.
369
00:25:34,340 --> 00:25:41,700
It's like, all I ever wanted was to attain
this merging into God and disappearing.
370
00:25:41,730 --> 00:25:44,940
I was looking around at people
who had been there, like,
371
00:25:44,970 --> 00:25:47,240
no way as long as me.
372
00:25:47,270 --> 00:25:52,520
Everything was always explained off
by being, "they're just older souls."
373
00:25:53,580 --> 00:25:55,400
So it was really hard.
374
00:25:55,620 --> 00:25:57,620
He just strung her along.
375
00:25:57,930 --> 00:25:59,660
Strung her along.
376
00:26:01,620 --> 00:26:06,790
It was especially hard for me
when my brother got the Knowing and I didn't.
377
00:26:09,180 --> 00:26:11,230
The Knowing was
finally shown to me,
378
00:26:11,680 --> 00:26:13,620
and it wasn't
what I was expecting.
379
00:26:15,350 --> 00:26:18,250
I saw light and heard sound.
380
00:26:19,480 --> 00:26:22,270
There was no denying the beauty
I was experiencing.
381
00:26:24,750 --> 00:26:27,710
But I was overwhelmed
that too much was being asked of me,
382
00:26:28,310 --> 00:26:30,110
and I was getting in too deep.
383
00:26:38,960 --> 00:26:41,100
This is the real drunk me.
384
00:26:45,380 --> 00:26:46,920
Drunk with the Divine.
385
00:26:51,040 --> 00:26:54,160
Hey, what's happening here could be
put in a history book...
386
00:26:54,420 --> 00:26:56,070
I would say.
387
00:26:57,370 --> 00:26:59,070
Fifty years from now,
they will say,
388
00:26:59,260 --> 00:27:03,780
"And there was a time
where this master work understand
389
00:27:04,690 --> 00:27:08,140
"as old as the time...
he got..."
390
00:27:12,860 --> 00:27:14,120
They were not knowing.
391
00:27:15,060 --> 00:27:17,200
They cannot be put this
in history books.
392
00:27:17,440 --> 00:27:20,840
And that this is
the real thing that counts.
393
00:27:40,840 --> 00:27:42,540
I loved doing service,
394
00:27:42,560 --> 00:27:44,470
and eventually,
Michel pulled me in close
395
00:27:44,500 --> 00:27:46,470
to do service for him directly.
396
00:28:00,170 --> 00:28:02,610
I was always told
it was an honor to serve him,
397
00:28:02,830 --> 00:28:04,170
and I felt privileged.
398
00:28:04,820 --> 00:28:09,280
I could ask him anything
and he became very accessible to me.
399
00:28:12,020 --> 00:28:14,290
I started finding out
details about his life.
400
00:28:14,510 --> 00:28:18,320
In addition to being an actor,
he had been a dancer in the Oakland ballet.
401
00:28:19,900 --> 00:28:22,210
He danced and worked out constantly.
402
00:28:22,440 --> 00:28:24,650
I became one of the people
who massaged him,
403
00:28:24,700 --> 00:28:26,380
and gave him adjustments...
404
00:28:26,400 --> 00:28:28,360
what we called body workers.
405
00:28:31,100 --> 00:28:34,760
Eventually, I moved into the apartment
next door to his with Phillipe,
406
00:28:34,800 --> 00:28:38,520
and we transformed our living room
into a dance studio for his use.
407
00:28:39,880 --> 00:28:42,510
I am a very devotional person.
408
00:28:42,540 --> 00:28:44,230
I love to honor,
409
00:28:44,250 --> 00:28:48,070
and so I started putting
all of that energy into him.
410
00:28:49,280 --> 00:28:51,520
He said, "You're just
using me as an excuse.
411
00:28:51,730 --> 00:28:52,760
"We all have excuses.
412
00:28:52,790 --> 00:28:54,940
"People bow to the buddha,
people bow to Jesus,
413
00:28:54,960 --> 00:28:56,160
"and you're using me as that.
414
00:28:56,180 --> 00:28:57,740
"I'm not anything."
415
00:28:58,680 --> 00:29:02,820
And we were feeling special,
and important, and loved, and supported.
416
00:29:03,040 --> 00:29:05,760
We were constantly
telling him how much
417
00:29:06,020 --> 00:29:08,710
we loved him and
how amazing he was,
418
00:29:08,740 --> 00:29:12,970
and how, you know,
we couldn't live without him, and...
419
00:29:13,210 --> 00:29:18,610
really, 150 or however many people
telling you that all day, every day,
420
00:29:18,890 --> 00:29:20,600
that's pretty powerful.
421
00:29:29,730 --> 00:29:31,080
Michel was very disciplined,
422
00:29:31,110 --> 00:29:33,680
and ballet was
a daily ritual for him.
423
00:29:33,970 --> 00:29:35,810
And it became ours, too.
424
00:29:36,370 --> 00:29:39,250
I loved it. I was in heaven.
It was my favorite thing we did,
425
00:29:39,620 --> 00:29:42,220
and 90% of the rest
of the people hated it.
426
00:29:42,250 --> 00:29:43,860
Dance was living hell.
427
00:29:43,890 --> 00:29:46,810
Drop it, right now.
You don't have time for this bullshit.
428
00:29:46,840 --> 00:29:48,250
Do that pass again.
429
00:29:48,280 --> 00:29:49,730
And do it right.
430
00:29:49,750 --> 00:29:51,810
It was like going
through school again.
431
00:29:51,830 --> 00:29:55,630
You have to know this.
We have twice ... or things to remember.
432
00:29:55,660 --> 00:29:58,950
I remember people crying in that class.
It was intense.
433
00:29:59,460 --> 00:30:02,450
It's tough love.
He's giving them tough love.
434
00:30:14,260 --> 00:30:16,520
Have you ever seen
anything more silly
435
00:30:16,750 --> 00:30:18,650
than two people having sex?
436
00:30:24,210 --> 00:30:25,900
Yeah. Yeah.
437
00:30:30,510 --> 00:30:33,820
He was very clear with me
to abstain from having sex.
438
00:30:34,230 --> 00:30:36,550
I couldn't even have
a relationship in the group.
439
00:30:37,340 --> 00:30:41,000
He said it was too dangerous
and that my energy needed to rise.
440
00:30:43,460 --> 00:30:47,080
What happens during sexual orgasm,
a little death.
441
00:30:47,570 --> 00:30:51,070
One who has experienced
the orgasm of meditation,
442
00:30:51,090 --> 00:30:52,830
that's the greatest orgasm.
443
00:30:55,000 --> 00:30:59,340
What I remember him saying was
basically that sex was a low energy.
444
00:30:59,560 --> 00:31:01,390
Didn't have sex for three years.
445
00:31:02,400 --> 00:31:05,330
The ones that had been there
a long time had gotten way over it.
446
00:31:05,830 --> 00:31:07,590
It was like,
it became the Booty-field.
447
00:31:07,610 --> 00:31:11,640
After a while, it was like this
spiritual haven of beautiful people that...
448
00:31:11,660 --> 00:31:12,980
"Well, we don't have sex.
We don't have--"
449
00:31:13,210 --> 00:31:15,390
In fact,
everybody's fucking everybody,
450
00:31:15,790 --> 00:31:17,850
but it was on the--
on the down-low.
451
00:31:28,270 --> 00:31:31,110
He took me traveling with him
and a few other helpers.
452
00:31:35,240 --> 00:31:36,940
Don't get the camera wet.
453
00:31:36,970 --> 00:31:37,970
Okay.
454
00:31:44,390 --> 00:31:47,100
Of course, in addition
to all the fun and meditation,
455
00:31:47,570 --> 00:31:50,410
we have our regular duties,
serving Michel.
456
00:31:55,060 --> 00:31:58,470
I was his masseur,
and I was on call, 24/7.
457
00:32:28,860 --> 00:32:31,110
I had never felt
so good in my life.
458
00:32:31,920 --> 00:32:34,710
Healthy, loving, and loved.
459
00:32:35,980 --> 00:32:39,480
I did have my doubts,
but I worked hard to overcome them.
460
00:32:42,320 --> 00:32:45,090
To be a person is
to be a mask.
461
00:32:45,960 --> 00:32:48,700
And you never know who you're
talking to behind the mask.
462
00:32:48,730 --> 00:32:51,990
The real person is
somewhere inside that mask.
463
00:32:53,040 --> 00:32:56,470
You had to stand
naked in front of God
464
00:32:56,890 --> 00:33:00,600
as he's made you
in your body of light.
465
00:33:03,950 --> 00:33:06,960
The master only represents God
on the earth,
466
00:33:07,500 --> 00:33:10,060
and if you can stand
naked in front of your master,
467
00:33:10,090 --> 00:33:12,370
you can stand naked
in front of your God.
468
00:33:13,370 --> 00:33:14,520
Know that.
469
00:33:18,360 --> 00:33:20,240
So the teacher was
a hypnotherapist,
470
00:33:20,260 --> 00:33:24,610
and he would invite me in for therapy,
which he called the Cleansing.
471
00:33:24,640 --> 00:33:27,050
And he charged people
$50 a session.
472
00:33:27,080 --> 00:33:30,050
We all had therapy every week.
473
00:33:30,420 --> 00:33:34,570
In regression hypnotherapy,
you tried to go back to trauma,
474
00:33:34,600 --> 00:33:38,150
relive it, and then change it
so that they are empowered.
475
00:33:38,710 --> 00:33:42,560
Well, he'd say, "I'm going to count to ten,
and you're going down the steps."
476
00:33:42,590 --> 00:33:46,790
And he has this really
deep hypnotic voice.
477
00:33:47,020 --> 00:33:49,010
Okay, close your eyes.
478
00:33:49,230 --> 00:33:52,170
Back in time, down the steps.
479
00:33:52,430 --> 00:33:54,330
Then he'd snap his
fingers, and--
480
00:33:55,570 --> 00:33:57,200
"You're there.
How old are you?"
481
00:33:57,230 --> 00:33:58,550
"Where are you now?"
482
00:33:58,570 --> 00:34:01,780
And within a few minutes,
I was wailing and crying
483
00:34:01,810 --> 00:34:03,500
like I'd never cried
in my life.
484
00:34:03,530 --> 00:34:06,930
And then, you know, you'd, like,
hit the pillow and scream and cry, and--
485
00:34:06,950 --> 00:34:07,950
When you were done,
I mean,
486
00:34:07,980 --> 00:34:10,110
you literally would
just float out of that place.
487
00:34:10,140 --> 00:34:11,210
It was amazing.
488
00:34:11,240 --> 00:34:15,100
I divulged every secret,
every thought,
489
00:34:15,450 --> 00:34:19,030
every fear--
exposed it all.
490
00:34:22,700 --> 00:34:27,360
Whatever transpires here,
between you and I, should be kept here.
491
00:34:29,070 --> 00:34:31,050
Do you have anybody
that you talk to
492
00:34:31,070 --> 00:34:33,940
about everything
that you do or think or say?
493
00:34:35,600 --> 00:34:39,460
My mother was very, very
involved in our lives,
494
00:34:39,480 --> 00:34:44,000
and so much
of my Cleansings
495
00:34:44,310 --> 00:34:47,440
went back to my childhood.
496
00:34:47,470 --> 00:34:49,950
So there was a natural
497
00:34:49,970 --> 00:34:53,690
thing that made sense
about keeping some distance.
498
00:34:57,990 --> 00:35:01,320
Michel gave us all new names
to help us move beyond our past
499
00:35:01,340 --> 00:35:03,670
and to create a new way
of seeing ourselves.
500
00:35:04,110 --> 00:35:05,930
It was a common practice
in the group.
501
00:35:06,500 --> 00:35:08,490
Amy was now called Emiliana.
502
00:35:08,720 --> 00:35:10,600
Lori was called Cristal.
503
00:35:11,110 --> 00:35:13,580
And I was now named Francesco.
504
00:35:23,060 --> 00:35:25,420
It would come home to us
and told us that
505
00:35:25,450 --> 00:35:26,820
they had changed their names,
506
00:35:26,850 --> 00:35:29,050
and that this was what
they wanted to be called.
507
00:35:29,280 --> 00:35:31,410
And I said, well,
we're not going to call you that.
508
00:35:31,700 --> 00:35:34,940
We gave you your names,
and that is what we're going to call you,
509
00:35:35,180 --> 00:35:36,870
and you might as well
get used to it.
510
00:35:38,550 --> 00:35:43,030
They came for dinner and said,
well, what we came here for is,
511
00:35:43,050 --> 00:35:46,160
we want to tell you
we want to detach from you.
512
00:35:46,180 --> 00:35:48,000
I went, what?
513
00:35:48,250 --> 00:35:49,600
I mean,
I couldn't believe it.
514
00:35:49,820 --> 00:35:52,690
You're going to detach
from the family?
515
00:35:52,720 --> 00:35:56,130
We'd had such a happy
childhood with these children.
516
00:35:58,760 --> 00:36:02,750
So my father, who I was
very close to, was dying.
517
00:36:03,120 --> 00:36:06,620
He told me
that I couldn't go see him.
518
00:36:07,010 --> 00:36:10,150
This is so
you break the bond with him.
519
00:36:10,950 --> 00:36:15,110
And I would make airline reservations,
and I'd cry and cry and cry,
520
00:36:15,130 --> 00:36:16,910
and then,
I would cancel them.
521
00:36:17,970 --> 00:36:20,570
But it was so difficult,
just so difficult.
522
00:36:25,300 --> 00:36:27,970
I always--
my intuition was working overtime.
523
00:36:27,990 --> 00:36:31,070
And I just kind of suspected
it might be a cult.
524
00:36:31,560 --> 00:36:34,440
No, I did not feel
like I was in a cult.
525
00:36:35,190 --> 00:36:36,410
He always told us
526
00:36:36,430 --> 00:36:37,610
for a non-group,
527
00:36:37,630 --> 00:36:39,260
we're an anti-cult.
528
00:36:39,450 --> 00:36:40,650
Namaste.
529
00:36:41,750 --> 00:36:45,880
You have fallen under the spell
of this controlling,
530
00:36:46,590 --> 00:36:48,670
brainwashing fellow.
531
00:36:49,020 --> 00:36:50,730
I am beg you, please.
532
00:36:50,760 --> 00:36:52,080
That's not funny.
533
00:36:54,870 --> 00:36:57,320
My family had hired
a private investigator
534
00:36:58,080 --> 00:37:01,490
to follow me, and they found
that I was with this group.
535
00:37:01,750 --> 00:37:04,910
He went back to my family
and said, oh, this is a benign group.
536
00:37:04,930 --> 00:37:06,110
They're not dangerous.
537
00:37:06,140 --> 00:37:08,240
It'll be harder for you
to pull her away.
538
00:37:08,260 --> 00:37:10,330
It'll be more damaging.
Just let her be.
539
00:37:10,620 --> 00:37:12,310
My family freaked out.
540
00:37:12,330 --> 00:37:13,830
They said I was brainwashed.
541
00:37:13,850 --> 00:37:15,450
They wanted to hire somebody
542
00:37:15,480 --> 00:37:17,150
to deprogram me.
543
00:37:17,170 --> 00:37:18,950
I was an adult.
They couldn't do anything.
544
00:37:19,570 --> 00:37:21,720
I mean, we all joked.
We knew that we looked funny
545
00:37:21,740 --> 00:37:23,670
following a man
in a speedo,
546
00:37:23,920 --> 00:37:26,720
but it turns out,
some people didn't see it the way we did.
547
00:37:29,070 --> 00:37:30,520
There was this guy, Kenny,
548
00:37:30,540 --> 00:37:32,690
who fell in love
with this girl in our group.
549
00:37:33,040 --> 00:37:35,350
And she was
this beautiful model type.
550
00:37:35,770 --> 00:37:37,070
He was not in the group.
551
00:37:37,090 --> 00:37:39,550
He was not a model type,
552
00:37:39,570 --> 00:37:41,160
and he was not very nice.
553
00:37:41,220 --> 00:37:42,500
This guy was stalking,
554
00:37:42,520 --> 00:37:45,910
and his motivation was
to tear down the group
555
00:37:45,940 --> 00:37:47,690
so that he could
have this girl.
556
00:37:47,960 --> 00:37:50,780
Kenny started to attack Michel,
saying he was a cult leader,
557
00:37:50,800 --> 00:37:52,750
telling us what we could
and couldn't do.
558
00:37:53,770 --> 00:37:55,530
He went to Cult Awareness Network,
559
00:37:55,550 --> 00:37:58,310
which was an organization
run by Rick Ross.
560
00:37:58,720 --> 00:38:01,860
When you have leaders who,
that claim to speak for God,
561
00:38:01,890 --> 00:38:04,120
cannot be questioned
by their followers,
562
00:38:04,140 --> 00:38:06,460
and have little, if
any, accountability,
563
00:38:06,480 --> 00:38:08,420
uh, you have
a very volatile mix.
564
00:38:08,450 --> 00:38:10,850
So he pulled in
Cult Awareness Network
565
00:38:10,870 --> 00:38:14,100
to try and make us look
like we're holding her captive.
566
00:38:14,550 --> 00:38:16,970
Parents who paid Cult
Awareness Network to go in,
567
00:38:17,000 --> 00:38:19,430
kidnap their children,
and deprogram them.
568
00:38:20,040 --> 00:38:22,210
This was Michel's worst fear,
569
00:38:22,230 --> 00:38:25,220
that the Buddhafield was
going to be called a cult.
570
00:38:25,630 --> 00:38:27,940
Now, it was no longer
talking about the Knowing,
571
00:38:27,960 --> 00:38:30,310
and it was no longer
talking about God and love.
572
00:38:30,330 --> 00:38:32,350
It's talking about
what are we gonna do?
573
00:38:32,370 --> 00:38:34,000
He said,
I'm no longer in a position
574
00:38:34,030 --> 00:38:36,000
where I can do my work
in this environment.
575
00:38:36,030 --> 00:38:37,450
We need
to get out of here.
576
00:38:39,670 --> 00:38:41,670
Michel didn't really
give anyone warning.
577
00:38:41,690 --> 00:38:45,300
In the middle of the night, he grabbed
me, his cook, another body worker,
578
00:38:45,330 --> 00:38:46,780
said, "Pack your bags.
We're going."
579
00:38:46,800 --> 00:38:48,290
And I'm like,
"Where are we going?"
580
00:38:48,320 --> 00:38:49,470
We're just going.
581
00:38:50,900 --> 00:38:52,640
I had no credit card,
no money,
582
00:38:52,670 --> 00:38:54,650
no bank account,
no phone.
583
00:38:54,680 --> 00:38:57,740
You know, I was living
underground with him.
584
00:38:58,720 --> 00:39:01,020
Everyone else stayed
in Los Angeles for the time being
585
00:39:01,050 --> 00:39:02,770
to await instructions.
586
00:39:03,230 --> 00:39:05,640
Eventually, he would decide
where they should go.
587
00:39:06,200 --> 00:39:07,480
Namaste, Michel.
588
00:39:07,510 --> 00:39:10,910
Thank you for reminding me
to be a thousand-percent disciple.
589
00:39:11,140 --> 00:39:13,620
I'm so deeply in love
with you.
590
00:39:13,640 --> 00:39:16,350
There's no meaning in my life
except you.
591
00:39:16,510 --> 00:39:18,740
And whatever it takes
to be with you again,
592
00:39:18,760 --> 00:39:21,500
whatever fire,
I am willing to go through.
593
00:39:21,790 --> 00:39:24,790
Thank you for my life.
Namaste, master.
594
00:39:25,930 --> 00:39:27,400
It was
like losing my family
595
00:39:27,430 --> 00:39:28,690
all over again.
596
00:39:29,250 --> 00:39:30,650
You don't want to give that up
597
00:39:30,670 --> 00:39:33,670
and be tossed back into the--
the dogs of L.A.
598
00:39:34,230 --> 00:39:39,170
And I was so devastated.
599
00:39:41,100 --> 00:39:42,640
We were just left behind.
600
00:39:43,580 --> 00:39:46,490
Think it's all I could
really say is thank you.
601
00:39:47,290 --> 00:39:49,580
Thank you
for letting me love so much.
602
00:39:50,010 --> 00:39:52,290
My heart is yours,
my lord.
603
00:39:52,700 --> 00:39:53,810
I wanted to go with him.
604
00:39:53,840 --> 00:39:56,370
I never, ever wanted to be
without him.
605
00:39:57,650 --> 00:39:59,520
We went to all these places
trying to figure out
606
00:39:59,550 --> 00:40:01,030
where we were going
to live next,
607
00:40:01,060 --> 00:40:03,310
and how were we going
to protect ourselves.
608
00:40:04,040 --> 00:40:07,150
His behavior started
to become obsessive.
609
00:40:09,300 --> 00:40:11,030
He convinced all of us that
610
00:40:11,060 --> 00:40:14,470
every Christ figure that walked
the earth had been killed
611
00:40:14,500 --> 00:40:17,610
because they brought very
unconventional and radical ideas
612
00:40:17,630 --> 00:40:19,210
that society didn't like,
613
00:40:19,230 --> 00:40:20,620
and so
they would kill 'em.
614
00:40:25,830 --> 00:40:27,710
I was as close
to him as anybody,
615
00:40:27,740 --> 00:40:29,830
and I still didn't
know who he was.
616
00:40:32,000 --> 00:40:34,570
I don't think anyone
really knew who he was.
617
00:40:41,040 --> 00:40:43,980
I think he may have had
his mother die really young, or something.
618
00:40:44,000 --> 00:40:45,710
His brother died
when he was real young.
619
00:40:45,740 --> 00:40:47,640
I know that he had come
from a wealthy family.
620
00:40:47,670 --> 00:40:50,160
Some years in the '60s
in San Francisco...
621
00:40:50,180 --> 00:40:51,420
At least that's what he said
to me.
622
00:40:51,460 --> 00:40:53,360
...dark arts groups.
623
00:40:53,590 --> 00:40:56,330
I know he came to America
to be a movie star.
624
00:40:56,360 --> 00:40:57,650
He wanted to be famous.
625
00:40:58,190 --> 00:41:00,760
His first name was Jaime Gomez.
626
00:41:00,780 --> 00:41:03,830
His stage name was
Michel Rostand.
627
00:41:05,340 --> 00:41:06,570
He was an actor,
628
00:41:06,810 --> 00:41:09,420
and, I assumed,
probably a good one,
629
00:41:09,750 --> 00:41:12,450
until I saw some of his acting.
630
00:41:15,790 --> 00:41:17,890
I know he was
in Rosemary's Baby.
631
00:41:18,390 --> 00:41:21,260
I know that he was
in the movie Rosemary's Baby.
632
00:41:21,280 --> 00:41:23,800
Oh, he was in Rosemary's Baby.
633
00:41:23,830 --> 00:41:26,580
His whole role in this
movie was just, like,
634
00:41:26,600 --> 00:41:30,100
a millisecond at the end of it,
looking into the camera.
635
00:41:30,360 --> 00:41:33,470
According to some
that had come around,
636
00:41:33,490 --> 00:41:36,420
they saw him in some
pornographic movies.
637
00:41:36,440 --> 00:41:39,050
And I just thought
that was such hogwash.
638
00:41:39,070 --> 00:41:40,720
He never made it to be a star,
639
00:41:40,740 --> 00:41:43,010
although I'm sure
that was his intention.
640
00:41:45,160 --> 00:41:49,000
He'd use his hypnosis,
his spiritual understanding,
641
00:41:49,020 --> 00:41:51,470
and his acting methods,
642
00:41:52,630 --> 00:41:56,190
and they all kind of merged
into this way of coming to God.
643
00:42:07,170 --> 00:42:08,820
We were on the road
for six months,
644
00:42:08,840 --> 00:42:11,480
trying to find a place
where we could settle down,
645
00:42:11,510 --> 00:42:13,790
where the whole group could
come join us.
646
00:42:15,020 --> 00:42:17,950
And he decided
Austin, Texas was the place.
647
00:42:18,540 --> 00:42:21,460
One of his disciples bought him
a house in the suburbs.
648
00:42:26,900 --> 00:42:29,380
He changed his name
so anybody who was looking
649
00:42:29,400 --> 00:42:31,790
for Michel Rostand
couldn't find him,
650
00:42:31,810 --> 00:42:34,660
because he was now
just called Andreas.
651
00:42:37,410 --> 00:42:39,390
After we had been
under the radar long enough,
652
00:42:39,410 --> 00:42:42,100
Andreas felt it was time
to bring everyone back together.
653
00:42:42,880 --> 00:42:45,840
He wanted everyone
to move out in small pods.
654
00:42:47,720 --> 00:42:51,120
People broke their leases,
sold their homes and their belongings,
655
00:42:51,150 --> 00:42:52,700
and began to pack.
656
00:42:54,060 --> 00:42:57,740
People trickled in to Austin,
and we recreated the Buddhafield.
657
00:42:59,990 --> 00:43:02,400
New people would show up
all the time.
658
00:43:02,750 --> 00:43:05,640
We were sharing this love
that we were experiencing
659
00:43:05,660 --> 00:43:06,960
with other people.
660
00:43:07,740 --> 00:43:09,770
I would say the word recruit.
661
00:43:10,070 --> 00:43:11,690
We were all recruiting.
662
00:43:12,010 --> 00:43:14,360
And I recruited lots
of people, myself.
663
00:43:14,600 --> 00:43:16,360
He was looking for people
who were open,
664
00:43:16,860 --> 00:43:18,460
and that was his instruction.
665
00:43:18,480 --> 00:43:20,220
And then,
he started recruiting
666
00:43:20,240 --> 00:43:22,990
people that knew how to do ballet,
'cause he loved ballet.
667
00:43:23,240 --> 00:43:27,870
He used yoga classes
to recruit more members
668
00:43:27,900 --> 00:43:31,030
so that he would always have
more people coming in.
669
00:43:31,500 --> 00:43:33,230
It was a very
interesting group of people
670
00:43:33,250 --> 00:43:35,380
'cause they were
all beautiful.
671
00:43:35,780 --> 00:43:38,830
These beautiful bodies
and these little speedos,
672
00:43:38,850 --> 00:43:40,690
and the girls were
so beautiful, and--
673
00:43:40,720 --> 00:43:42,350
You couldn't miss them.
674
00:43:49,200 --> 00:43:51,030
Even though he wanted
new disciples,
675
00:43:51,060 --> 00:43:54,250
Andreas was still hesitant
to let anyone get too close to him.
676
00:43:54,600 --> 00:43:57,230
He kept telling us that there was
still a lot to be afraid of
677
00:43:57,260 --> 00:43:58,630
from the outside world.
678
00:44:01,510 --> 00:44:02,530
Well, as you can see,
679
00:44:02,550 --> 00:44:06,850
the fire has indeed engulfed
the vast majority of this compound.
680
00:44:06,870 --> 00:44:10,410
- The latest figures we have--
- Just 100 miles north of us, Waco happened.
681
00:44:10,440 --> 00:44:14,480
We watched in horror as 72 members
of a presumed cult died
682
00:44:14,510 --> 00:44:15,970
during a government raid.
683
00:44:17,170 --> 00:44:18,480
This freaked him out,
684
00:44:18,500 --> 00:44:21,480
'cause he thought what happened
to David Koresh was going to happen to him.
685
00:44:22,080 --> 00:44:26,540
This was a spiritual leader who was
being demonized and running this group,
686
00:44:26,560 --> 00:44:29,160
and he was afraid
that people were going to draw parallels,
687
00:44:29,180 --> 00:44:31,550
and they were going
to see him as that.
688
00:44:31,890 --> 00:44:36,310
I did feel like I needed
to protect him at times.
689
00:44:36,550 --> 00:44:39,550
In Austin, it was "keep the group secret."
It's sacred.
690
00:44:39,580 --> 00:44:41,960
Sacred things need to be kept secret.
691
00:44:42,230 --> 00:44:49,800
We did exercises in class to practice
in case the FBI captured us.
692
00:44:49,820 --> 00:44:52,730
You're going to tell them
that you don't know any Andreas.
693
00:44:52,760 --> 00:44:55,180
You don't know anybody.
694
00:44:56,000 --> 00:44:58,770
I wasn't sure if the FBI was
after us or not,
695
00:44:58,790 --> 00:45:01,980
but I would do whatever it took
to protect him or the group.
696
00:45:02,650 --> 00:45:05,210
Even though I wasn't
a very good liar, I did it.
697
00:45:05,230 --> 00:45:07,900
I had no integrity at all.
698
00:45:07,920 --> 00:45:10,780
I would lie
to my mother for him.
699
00:45:10,810 --> 00:45:13,580
We were instructed
that we had to lie to my parents
700
00:45:13,610 --> 00:45:14,900
all the time.
701
00:45:15,590 --> 00:45:19,020
I rarely had any interaction
with anyone outside the group.
702
00:45:19,250 --> 00:45:21,650
Even my parents,
who lived nearby in Ft. Worth,
703
00:45:21,670 --> 00:45:23,740
had no idea I was in Austin.
704
00:45:24,510 --> 00:45:28,420
Here, my brother lived
three hours from my parents.
705
00:45:28,450 --> 00:45:31,500
There is no reason for us
having to keep up this lie.
706
00:45:31,520 --> 00:45:35,550
They're not going to come and
inspect your ashram.
707
00:45:35,960 --> 00:45:38,290
I had to come up
with elaborate lies.
708
00:45:38,310 --> 00:45:41,990
I told them I moved to Atlanta,
and to Mexico, and anywhere
709
00:45:42,020 --> 00:45:44,540
to give them a reason
not to expect to see me.
710
00:45:44,790 --> 00:45:47,820
He would have people
that were going to Europe
711
00:45:47,850 --> 00:45:50,270
get a postcard
and mail it to my parents.
712
00:45:50,300 --> 00:45:52,880
Here's a postcard
I sent from Florence
713
00:45:53,290 --> 00:45:55,050
when I was Francesco.
714
00:45:55,470 --> 00:45:57,820
He'd send me all these
little gifts from these places
715
00:45:57,850 --> 00:46:00,370
to prove that he was writing me
these letters, and--
716
00:46:01,800 --> 00:46:03,620
And I still saw through it.
717
00:46:04,630 --> 00:46:08,080
And it's sad,
and it broke our hearts, really.
718
00:46:08,360 --> 00:46:09,360
Bye, Will.
719
00:46:09,380 --> 00:46:11,070
We just had to hope
it would all work out.
720
00:46:11,100 --> 00:46:12,340
Nice having you.
721
00:46:16,860 --> 00:46:18,760
My role increased
in the Buddhafield,
722
00:46:19,020 --> 00:46:22,340
and I had a group of new disciples
eager to do service with me.
723
00:46:24,930 --> 00:46:28,290
I set out to make our house in Austin
a place of peace and beauty.
724
00:46:30,690 --> 00:46:34,440
By the time we were finished,
we had built not only a massive garden,
725
00:46:34,470 --> 00:46:38,280
but also an aviary
complete with peacocks, exotic birds,
726
00:46:38,310 --> 00:46:39,630
even a wallaby.
727
00:46:45,350 --> 00:46:47,040
The garden became
our sanctuary,
728
00:46:47,060 --> 00:46:49,960
and his house became
like a refuge from the outside world.
729
00:46:56,760 --> 00:46:58,100
Things quieted down.
730
00:46:58,120 --> 00:46:59,590
Time went by,
and we didn't hear much
731
00:46:59,620 --> 00:47:01,820
from Cult Awareness Network anymore.
732
00:47:04,480 --> 00:47:06,540
We thought our lives might be
getting back to normal.
733
00:47:06,770 --> 00:47:08,630
But the demands
of the Buddhafield,
734
00:47:08,890 --> 00:47:11,630
and Andreas, became
greater and greater.
735
00:47:16,380 --> 00:47:21,630
The aviary, with all the birds
and bunnies, was overrun by rats.
736
00:47:21,980 --> 00:47:26,520
We would lift up a rock,
and hundreds of rats would go running out.
737
00:47:27,040 --> 00:47:30,670
He asked us
to kill the rats.
738
00:47:31,860 --> 00:47:34,240
Then we armed ourselves
with shovels.
739
00:47:34,260 --> 00:47:37,290
I would hit them over the head
or we'd have to decapitate them.
740
00:47:38,370 --> 00:47:40,140
It just went
on and on and on,
741
00:47:40,170 --> 00:47:42,320
killing these
furry little creatures.
742
00:47:42,350 --> 00:47:44,540
It was like he was
playing a game with us,
743
00:47:44,560 --> 00:47:50,120
like he was turning us
into his own personal little warriors.
744
00:48:04,250 --> 00:48:07,790
Andreas loved to dance, and he said
he wished he had a theater.
745
00:48:07,820 --> 00:48:11,190
So I found this amazing piece of
land.
746
00:48:11,210 --> 00:48:15,170
He told me to buy it and he said,
"Let's build a theater, design a theater."
747
00:48:15,860 --> 00:48:19,040
Teacher would come out some days
and he would look at it, and he would say,
748
00:48:19,060 --> 00:48:20,220
"I don't like the back
of this building.
749
00:48:20,240 --> 00:48:22,390
"I don't like where the windows are.
I don't like the walls.
750
00:48:22,670 --> 00:48:24,920
"Take it down."
And we would.
751
00:48:24,960 --> 00:48:28,030
We would literally
unbuild the building
752
00:48:28,050 --> 00:48:30,680
and rebuild it again for him
to come out and look at it.
753
00:48:31,000 --> 00:48:32,460
He would take me
into his room and he would say,
754
00:48:32,480 --> 00:48:34,550
"Why are you taking so long
to build this building?
755
00:48:34,570 --> 00:48:36,920
"If I was doing this,
this would have been done a year ago.
756
00:48:36,940 --> 00:48:38,940
"You're delaying my work.
You're creating karma."
757
00:48:38,970 --> 00:48:41,640
I was just horrified.
758
00:48:41,670 --> 00:48:44,650
And he'd say,
"This is all just a teaching for you.
759
00:48:44,670 --> 00:48:46,650
"It doesn't matter
when the building gets built.
760
00:48:46,670 --> 00:48:50,030
"What I care about is
you awakening through this process."
761
00:48:50,280 --> 00:48:52,720
"And if you don't get this
building done by next week, this--"
762
00:48:52,750 --> 00:48:54,570
And I would just go,
"Did that just happen?"
763
00:48:55,470 --> 00:48:59,100
Once the theater was built,
Andreas began choreographing ballets.
764
00:49:02,290 --> 00:49:04,800
We would rehearse
eveery day for hours.
765
00:49:09,010 --> 00:49:12,580
People would drop everything,
including their jobs, to make it to rehearsal.
766
00:49:14,180 --> 00:49:16,720
These ballets were astonishing.
767
00:49:17,010 --> 00:49:19,670
Fabric would be ordered
from L.A. and flown in
768
00:49:19,700 --> 00:49:21,680
so that we could have
these elaborate costumes,
769
00:49:21,700 --> 00:49:23,930
and sets would be designed.
770
00:49:24,220 --> 00:49:26,680
It was something extraordinary.
771
00:49:36,180 --> 00:49:37,590
Everybody was involved.
772
00:49:37,820 --> 00:49:39,420
We would rehearse them
for a year,
773
00:49:39,450 --> 00:49:41,160
do costumes and everything,
774
00:49:41,410 --> 00:49:43,620
and we'd only show
these ballets once,
775
00:49:43,640 --> 00:49:44,940
to ourselves,
776
00:49:45,240 --> 00:49:46,510
and that was it.
777
00:50:00,390 --> 00:50:03,890
He lived, like, a multi-millionaire's
life in the simplest form.
778
00:50:03,910 --> 00:50:05,850
He had a chauffeur.
I drove him around.
779
00:50:05,870 --> 00:50:07,410
He had a cook.
People cooked for him.
780
00:50:07,430 --> 00:50:08,770
He had people
cleaning his house.
781
00:50:08,790 --> 00:50:10,590
Everywhere he went in public,
782
00:50:10,610 --> 00:50:13,980
I brought along
a special chair.
783
00:50:14,000 --> 00:50:15,160
It was huge.
784
00:50:15,190 --> 00:50:17,660
It was on a back pack.
It was about like this.
785
00:50:17,960 --> 00:50:21,400
So, on one end, he's, like, totally
paranoid and trying to be secretive.
786
00:50:21,430 --> 00:50:24,670
And on the other end, he has
this entourage of people who are
787
00:50:24,700 --> 00:50:28,540
setting up a throne for him
anywhere he goes in public.
788
00:50:28,820 --> 00:50:31,050
He would call me and he would say,
"What are you doing?"
789
00:50:31,080 --> 00:50:32,300
And I'm, like,
"I'm in bed."
790
00:50:32,320 --> 00:50:35,700
And he'd say, "You better get out
of that bed! You've got service to do!"
791
00:50:36,710 --> 00:50:41,070
It was all designed to show
how devoted you really were.
792
00:50:41,100 --> 00:50:47,390
He wanted to control the social lives, uh,
interactions of everybody, what they did.
793
00:50:47,420 --> 00:50:50,320
It was presented
as your spiritual guidance,
794
00:50:50,350 --> 00:50:51,820
what's best for your soul.
795
00:50:51,840 --> 00:50:54,560
We weren't supposed to read books,
watch TV, listen to the radio,
796
00:50:54,590 --> 00:50:55,810
and I never did any of it.
797
00:50:56,300 --> 00:50:58,550
He became upset
with me one day
798
00:50:58,580 --> 00:51:00,980
when I told him
that I'd bought a TV,
799
00:51:01,000 --> 00:51:03,930
and he'd later said,
"Oh, you did that behind my back."
800
00:51:03,960 --> 00:51:06,620
And I was like, "I didn't know
that I had to go and tell you
801
00:51:06,640 --> 00:51:09,390
"before I'd made the decision
to buy a TV."
802
00:51:09,630 --> 00:51:12,530
I got a dog at one point.
It was not acceptable.
803
00:51:12,550 --> 00:51:14,210
It wasn't okay
to get a dog.
804
00:51:14,240 --> 00:51:17,250
I ended up having
to give the back.
805
00:51:17,730 --> 00:51:19,990
The public humiliation was
just too intense.
806
00:51:20,010 --> 00:51:23,180
I felt like I was this horrible disciple
because I had gone and gotten
807
00:51:23,210 --> 00:51:25,670
this little puppy
without asking his permission.
808
00:51:26,840 --> 00:51:28,200
He didn't like dogs.
809
00:51:29,660 --> 00:51:31,680
With my friend, Danielle,
we used to say,
810
00:51:31,700 --> 00:51:35,700
when he'd be crazy, and, like, nyuh,
doing all of these weird expressions,
811
00:51:35,730 --> 00:51:37,550
she'd look across the room
and she'd go,
812
00:51:37,570 --> 00:51:41,160
"We're going to be here
for the rest of our lives."
813
00:51:43,780 --> 00:51:46,260
I mean, it was kind of nice
when it first started out
814
00:51:46,290 --> 00:51:48,880
and it wasn't all
about adoring him,
815
00:51:50,310 --> 00:51:55,380
It was about achieving some kind
of spiritual growth for yourself,
816
00:51:55,400 --> 00:51:58,710
not licking his feet.
817
00:52:00,870 --> 00:52:03,240
[♪ La Femme Fatale by Andreas]
818
00:52:10,340 --> 00:52:12,850
♪ If you think untainted
819
00:52:13,090 --> 00:52:15,370
♪ In a woman's body
820
00:52:17,040 --> 00:52:19,590
♪ You can be a copy
821
00:52:20,190 --> 00:52:21,740
♪ Or you can be
822
00:52:23,170 --> 00:52:26,390
- ♪ La femme fatale
- ♪ La femme fatale
823
00:52:26,420 --> 00:52:27,960
♪ La femme fatale
824
00:52:28,180 --> 00:52:29,760
♪ La femme fatale
825
00:52:30,000 --> 00:52:31,440
♪ La femme fatale
826
00:52:31,470 --> 00:52:35,000
- ♪ La femme fatale
- ♪ Every man is the possible catch ♪
827
00:52:37,000 --> 00:52:38,660
She's just really sexy,
and she's going to come down,
828
00:52:38,690 --> 00:52:39,920
she's going
to be flirtatious,
829
00:52:39,950 --> 00:52:41,420
and that whole thing,
and everyone else is flirting--
830
00:52:41,440 --> 00:52:43,500
Femme Fatale was a song
Andreas wrote.
831
00:52:43,520 --> 00:52:46,800
about the negative effect
sex has on spirituality.
832
00:52:46,820 --> 00:52:48,590
I jumped at the opportunity
to make something
833
00:52:48,610 --> 00:52:50,840
that wasn't just
about the Buddhafield.
834
00:52:51,090 --> 00:52:54,220
But the song also served
as a public satire against the woman
835
00:52:54,250 --> 00:52:56,950
who Andreas thought was
being too sexual.
836
00:52:57,210 --> 00:52:59,120
I didn't want to be
a part of an attack,
837
00:52:59,150 --> 00:53:01,160
but I went ahead
and made a very funny video.
838
00:53:03,360 --> 00:53:04,380
It was a big hit.
839
00:53:04,400 --> 00:53:13,340
♪ La femme fatale ♪
840
00:53:15,680 --> 00:53:20,850
He did not like anyone to have a n--
a normal, natural sex life.
841
00:53:21,460 --> 00:53:27,120
And how he treated sexuality
in general was juvenile.
842
00:53:32,090 --> 00:53:35,640
Uh, there was a young lady
in our group named Sophia.
843
00:53:35,660 --> 00:53:36,670
She was an amazing--
844
00:53:36,700 --> 00:53:38,620
She spent her whole life
just wanting to be a bellerina.
845
00:53:39,140 --> 00:53:43,310
She danced beautifully, and, of course,
he made her, like, his prima ballerina.
846
00:53:43,340 --> 00:53:46,400
Andreas wanted her
to spend time with me,
847
00:53:46,420 --> 00:53:49,450
to be close to me,
but not to have sex with me.
848
00:53:49,490 --> 00:53:51,340
He knew, all the time,
knowing that I was developing
849
00:53:51,360 --> 00:53:53,030
this romantic
attachment for her,
850
00:53:53,060 --> 00:53:54,330
because I was
telling him so.
851
00:53:55,010 --> 00:53:57,990
He had told five different
women not to date me
852
00:53:58,350 --> 00:54:00,970
because it would be bad
for my spiritual development.
853
00:54:01,780 --> 00:54:03,720
It's a very
confusing subject.
854
00:54:03,740 --> 00:54:07,600
There were so many mixed
messages about sexuality.
855
00:54:07,840 --> 00:54:10,290
Like, we were told, you know,
that we are not our bodies,
856
00:54:10,320 --> 00:54:13,020
and don't get stuck in sex,
and don't get stuck in your senses,
857
00:54:13,050 --> 00:54:15,130
and transcend
all that stuff.
858
00:54:15,440 --> 00:54:19,180
And yet, we were all
obsessed with how we looked.
859
00:54:19,420 --> 00:54:20,970
You know,
the women all wear makeup,
860
00:54:20,990 --> 00:54:22,550
people had
plastic surgery,
861
00:54:22,570 --> 00:54:24,450
the guys all had
to go to the gym,
862
00:54:24,480 --> 00:54:26,130
people waxed
their bodies.
863
00:54:26,150 --> 00:54:28,710
He really did not like fat people,
864
00:54:28,740 --> 00:54:33,190
did not want anyone in the group
that was not just physically a starlet.
865
00:54:33,210 --> 00:54:35,700
Oh, he wanted everybody
to be starlets.
866
00:54:36,250 --> 00:54:37,570
And so,
he was suggesting
867
00:54:37,590 --> 00:54:39,310
that this person have
their eyes done,
868
00:54:39,330 --> 00:54:41,470
or suggesting that this person have
their cheek bones,
869
00:54:41,490 --> 00:54:43,450
or another person have
their chin.
870
00:54:43,470 --> 00:54:46,840
He sort of got obsessed with it.
871
00:54:47,550 --> 00:54:49,510
We were going
into his bathroom
872
00:54:49,530 --> 00:54:55,510
and just finding piles
of mascara and fake eye lashes
873
00:54:55,530 --> 00:54:57,910
and concealers.
874
00:54:57,940 --> 00:55:00,260
He wore makeup, like,
every day of his life.
875
00:55:00,870 --> 00:55:03,030
I remember one time,
I was in water with him
876
00:55:03,060 --> 00:55:06,630
and he had an eye lash
on his cheek, and I'm, like...
877
00:55:07,190 --> 00:55:11,070
trying to signal to him
to flick that off.
878
00:55:11,420 --> 00:55:16,270
But I didn't know about the plastic surgery,
but it started to look evident.
879
00:55:23,570 --> 00:55:26,200
He was always telling us,
this is the body,
880
00:55:26,220 --> 00:55:28,480
it's going to be a carcass one day,
it's going to die.
881
00:55:28,510 --> 00:55:34,590
And here he is, over here, doing his eyes,
his eyes, his this, his lips,
882
00:55:34,620 --> 00:55:36,380
constantly doing stuff to his body.
883
00:55:36,410 --> 00:55:38,440
- Are you filming?
- Yeah.
884
00:55:43,420 --> 00:55:49,570
But he started to look very deformed
and, um, and-and scary-looking, really.
885
00:55:59,590 --> 00:56:02,920
It was of a total dichotomy
of what the teaching was.
886
00:56:07,560 --> 00:56:10,540
And I knew he would have
other people do plastic surgery
887
00:56:10,560 --> 00:56:11,680
before he did it
888
00:56:12,250 --> 00:56:14,740
so that he would see
if it was safe,
889
00:56:14,760 --> 00:56:16,010
or how it looked,
890
00:56:16,350 --> 00:56:17,650
and I never questioned it.
891
00:56:20,170 --> 00:56:23,770
No one was gonna say,
dude, your makeup's running.
892
00:56:24,020 --> 00:56:25,760
No one would dare.
I wouldn't dare.
893
00:56:32,070 --> 00:56:33,690
- Here come Prince Edbu.
- Ooh.
894
00:56:33,720 --> 00:56:34,970
There he goes.
895
00:56:35,650 --> 00:56:37,050
He almost got me.
896
00:56:37,070 --> 00:56:38,860
- Do you understand what he just did?
- Yeah. Yes.
897
00:56:38,880 --> 00:56:40,590
You opened that door,
it almost slammed me.
898
00:56:42,360 --> 00:56:45,380
I'd always turn the camera off
when Andreas was yelling.
899
00:56:47,800 --> 00:56:49,570
We would use this term:
900
00:56:49,900 --> 00:56:51,360
"You need to drop your mind."
901
00:56:51,390 --> 00:56:54,410
That was something you would say
to someone, and-- and it was almost...
902
00:56:54,450 --> 00:56:56,090
It was critical.
It was...
903
00:56:56,110 --> 00:56:58,950
"Hey, you're not in line
with what's going on here."
904
00:56:59,720 --> 00:57:02,030
You don't wanna be in the mind.
No thoughts.
905
00:57:02,060 --> 00:57:03,660
If you're having thoughts,
906
00:57:03,690 --> 00:57:06,550
you're not connected
to meditation and to God.
907
00:57:08,930 --> 00:57:11,680
There's a term,
it's called mutual complicity.
908
00:57:12,340 --> 00:57:15,620
You can't have a teacher
without followers.
909
00:57:17,580 --> 00:57:21,340
The benefits outweighed
the craziness.
910
00:57:21,370 --> 00:57:25,300
So you started to accept
the questionable stuff.
911
00:57:25,320 --> 00:57:26,500
You just started
to accept it.
912
00:57:26,530 --> 00:57:28,090
It's like any family.
913
00:57:32,890 --> 00:57:35,360
And I think a lot
of us compartmentalized.
914
00:57:35,380 --> 00:57:37,460
A lot of us rationalized...
915
00:57:37,490 --> 00:57:40,910
Always. And he certainly helped us
rationalize everything.
916
00:57:43,100 --> 00:57:47,230
The only truth that's left is
the truth that I am told,
917
00:57:47,250 --> 00:57:49,890
and who is the highest
authority in the group?
918
00:57:50,370 --> 00:57:52,340
It's the master.
919
00:57:55,070 --> 00:57:56,740
You wanna have kids?
920
00:57:57,250 --> 00:57:58,350
No.
921
00:57:59,150 --> 00:58:00,180
Good.
922
00:58:02,130 --> 00:58:04,810
Spiritual growth and children...
923
00:58:05,680 --> 00:58:07,230
don't always go together.
924
00:58:07,820 --> 00:58:09,530
I told him I was pregnant,
925
00:58:09,560 --> 00:58:11,650
and he said,
"Get an abortion."
926
00:58:13,030 --> 00:58:14,660
I did not want
to have this abortion,
927
00:58:14,690 --> 00:58:16,660
but he said I couldn't be
in the community
928
00:58:16,690 --> 00:58:18,010
if I had the child.
929
00:58:18,850 --> 00:58:19,960
I had the abortion.
930
00:58:23,660 --> 00:58:25,680
As soon as I'd
hear his voice,
931
00:58:25,700 --> 00:58:29,610
I would go into surrender mode
and do whatever he said.
932
00:58:33,540 --> 00:58:35,960
I was with somebody
in the community
933
00:58:35,990 --> 00:58:38,100
that I was really,
really in love with,
934
00:58:38,120 --> 00:58:40,080
and I set it up
so that I would get pregnant,
935
00:58:40,110 --> 00:58:42,400
'cause I thought,
oh, that would be okay.
936
00:58:44,200 --> 00:58:47,370
Andreas had told him
he would be kicked out
937
00:58:47,390 --> 00:58:49,810
if he didn't get me
to have an abortion.
938
00:58:49,830 --> 00:58:51,680
So I had to get
another abortion.
939
00:58:53,300 --> 00:58:55,400
In all the years
we were together,
940
00:58:55,780 --> 00:58:57,560
not one child was born.
941
00:59:08,970 --> 00:59:11,380
Sometimes our birds would escape
when we were feeding them,
942
00:59:11,410 --> 00:59:12,520
and they'd fly away,
943
00:59:12,760 --> 00:59:14,330
never to be seen again.
944
00:59:14,560 --> 00:59:17,270
And so we had to protect them
for their own good.
945
00:59:18,310 --> 00:59:20,330
Just because
the door is open
946
00:59:20,570 --> 00:59:22,310
does it mean
you have to go through it?
947
00:59:23,570 --> 00:59:24,430
No.
948
00:59:24,450 --> 00:59:26,090
If the door is
taking you away...
949
00:59:27,580 --> 00:59:30,690
Sometimes, an open door is
a closed-up room...
950
00:59:31,420 --> 00:59:32,550
a jail.
951
00:59:33,540 --> 00:59:35,720
There were a lot of people
who didn't stick around.
952
00:59:35,970 --> 00:59:37,770
Of course
they were demonized.
953
00:59:39,530 --> 00:59:42,350
When I left the group,
immediately,
954
00:59:42,380 --> 00:59:45,200
everybody was told
something awful.
955
00:59:45,550 --> 00:59:48,210
We were told,
"Do not communicate with them.
956
00:59:48,230 --> 00:59:49,770
"They're in their minds."
957
00:59:50,050 --> 00:59:52,700
There was rumors that I had turned
into a prostitute,
958
00:59:52,720 --> 00:59:55,840
or I was running prostitutes
out of my house.
959
00:59:55,870 --> 01:00:00,000
When people started to assert
their own independence,
960
01:00:00,030 --> 01:00:01,380
he would crack the whip.
961
01:00:02,680 --> 01:00:04,230
It was tightly controlled
962
01:00:04,250 --> 01:00:06,110
that if you were
to go out on your own,
963
01:00:06,130 --> 01:00:08,410
bad things were going
to happen to you.
964
01:00:08,670 --> 01:00:11,830
If I ever left the group,
within a year, I would be dead.
965
01:00:12,570 --> 01:00:13,300
Why?
966
01:00:13,320 --> 01:00:17,740
Because I would be out
from under the wing of his grace.
967
01:00:17,770 --> 01:00:20,120
He had told me
on a couple of occasions,
968
01:00:20,370 --> 01:00:22,740
if I wasn't with him,
I would get AIDS.
969
01:00:23,020 --> 01:00:24,300
And I would die.
970
01:00:24,710 --> 01:00:26,750
And I believed him.
I believed him.
971
01:00:27,480 --> 01:00:29,930
The thing was
was that he was a hypnotherapist.
972
01:00:29,960 --> 01:00:33,390
That means he had his finger in the psyche
of every person that he was dealing with,
973
01:00:33,420 --> 01:00:36,660
and every person,
he dealt with completely different.
974
01:00:38,240 --> 01:00:42,130
So he manipulated each
and every personality that way.
975
01:00:42,720 --> 01:00:46,730
You only have one opportunity
to be with me-- for once in a lifetime.
976
01:00:51,560 --> 01:00:53,360
And this was
literally brainwashing.
977
01:00:53,390 --> 01:00:54,620
We were doing
978
01:00:55,180 --> 01:00:57,690
hypnotic work with people,
979
01:00:58,400 --> 01:00:59,570
every day.
980
01:01:00,210 --> 01:01:01,390
It's brainwashing.
981
01:01:15,110 --> 01:01:20,320
I got to do some of the films
that we did for our group.
982
01:01:20,990 --> 01:01:23,980
My character is, uh,
in the middle of the desert,
983
01:01:24,000 --> 01:01:25,990
and the apocalypse has happened.
984
01:01:26,980 --> 01:01:30,850
In the scene he bends down
to get water, and then he realizes
985
01:01:30,880 --> 01:01:33,780
that he's not alone,
that the master is there.
986
01:01:50,460 --> 01:01:54,480
Here we are, we're actors
in front of the camera.
987
01:01:54,830 --> 01:01:58,410
We get this thing
with shaktis happening.
988
01:02:12,450 --> 01:02:16,320
And I wasn't sure
whether or not it was an act...
989
01:02:17,580 --> 01:02:20,370
or whether it was real.
990
01:02:25,990 --> 01:02:29,930
Then I started thinking, maybe...
maybe the whole thing is an act.
991
01:02:40,740 --> 01:02:42,580
Something's wrong here.
992
01:02:42,940 --> 01:02:44,780
Thoughts came in all the time.
993
01:02:45,030 --> 01:02:47,150
I was always getting the message
994
01:02:47,800 --> 01:02:49,550
and I chose not to listen.
995
01:02:58,840 --> 01:03:00,040
I was, like,
996
01:03:00,060 --> 01:03:03,380
"What the fuck has this turned into?
It's become a circus."
997
01:03:04,480 --> 01:03:07,830
And the shakti
of the Divine Mother has become...
998
01:03:08,800 --> 01:03:09,910
twilight.
999
01:03:13,890 --> 01:03:16,620
And some of the older people
that had been around since the beginning
1000
01:03:16,650 --> 01:03:17,850
were kind of looking
at each other, going,
1001
01:03:17,870 --> 01:03:20,400
"Uh, I didn't hear
where this suddenly changed
1002
01:03:20,420 --> 01:03:24,830
"to 'it's all about him' instead
of 'all about your inner experience.'"
1003
01:03:24,850 --> 01:03:26,340
Action.
1004
01:03:28,830 --> 01:03:31,910
I wouldn't refer to him
other than anything he was,
1005
01:03:32,190 --> 01:03:33,790
an out-of-work actor
1006
01:03:33,810 --> 01:03:36,560
who stumbled on the role
of a lifetime.
1007
01:03:44,170 --> 01:03:46,870
One of the people that had
been around for a long time
1008
01:03:47,110 --> 01:03:48,780
wrote an e-mail
1009
01:03:49,350 --> 01:03:53,000
and he sent it out to, like,
everybody in the Buddhafield.
1010
01:03:53,320 --> 01:03:54,840
There was this e-mail
that was sent out
1011
01:03:54,870 --> 01:03:58,580
about all this stuff,
and it was like, "What the fuck is this?"
1012
01:03:58,600 --> 01:04:01,010
The author of the e-mail was
leaving the group,
1013
01:04:01,040 --> 01:04:03,870
and he laid out serious
accusations towards Andreas.
1014
01:04:03,900 --> 01:04:06,810
By far, the most damning
accusation in the e-mail was
1015
01:04:06,840 --> 01:04:09,220
that Andreas had,
for years, been forcing
1016
01:04:09,250 --> 01:04:13,520
young, male disciples
into unwanted sexual relationships.
1017
01:04:16,770 --> 01:04:19,340
Andreas immediately told
all of those around him
1018
01:04:19,370 --> 01:04:22,830
that the letter was full of lies,
and not to read it.
1019
01:04:22,850 --> 01:04:25,240
And all of a sudden,
there started to be this division.
1020
01:04:25,270 --> 01:04:27,710
Some people didn't believe it,
some people did.
1021
01:04:27,730 --> 01:04:29,600
Because it's just
some letter somebody wrote,
1022
01:04:29,630 --> 01:04:30,730
and they could write
whatever they want.
1023
01:04:30,760 --> 01:04:34,190
I didn't have, personally,
any reason to believe
1024
01:04:34,220 --> 01:04:35,640
what those things were saying.
1025
01:04:35,670 --> 01:04:37,790
And some people coalesced
around him.
1026
01:04:38,030 --> 01:04:40,570
And even I did, initially.
I wrote a rebuttal to the letter.
1027
01:04:42,700 --> 01:04:46,230
Um, yeah, it was--
it was bullshit. I mean...
1028
01:04:46,480 --> 01:04:48,380
I'd been in a sexual
relationship with him.
1029
01:04:48,400 --> 01:04:50,830
I knew that everything
on there was pretty much true.
1030
01:05:03,310 --> 01:05:05,800
Well, how it started was
in the private therapy sessions.
1031
01:05:08,620 --> 01:05:12,580
Being a young man, and very new
to sexuality at that time,
1032
01:05:12,840 --> 01:05:14,750
have a lot of questions,
1033
01:05:15,020 --> 01:05:17,310
so you're talking to your
therapist about these things,
1034
01:05:17,330 --> 01:05:20,470
and so he's got this dossier
of information on you.
1035
01:05:21,660 --> 01:05:23,230
Have you ever had sex
with a guy?
1036
01:05:23,500 --> 01:05:24,510
No.
1037
01:05:24,810 --> 01:05:26,420
Have you ever wanted to?
1038
01:05:26,980 --> 01:05:29,120
You can be
very honest with me.
1039
01:05:29,500 --> 01:05:30,520
And somewhere in there,
1040
01:05:30,550 --> 01:05:33,900
he started running you
through homosexual fantasies.
1041
01:05:34,300 --> 01:05:37,650
"Who do you find attractive?"
And then start naming women.
1042
01:05:37,670 --> 01:05:40,290
He's like, "No, like a guy."
You know, it was like,
1043
01:05:40,320 --> 01:05:43,300
being attracted to women had, like,
no validity whatsoever.
1044
01:05:43,700 --> 01:05:45,190
Do you fantasize?
1045
01:05:45,740 --> 01:05:48,060
- Yeah.
- What do you fantasize about?
1046
01:05:48,340 --> 01:05:49,910
What will it be like?
1047
01:06:00,900 --> 01:06:02,280
One day,
1048
01:06:03,320 --> 01:06:05,770
it was
after a therapy session,
1049
01:06:06,200 --> 01:06:09,160
and... he...
1050
01:06:09,820 --> 01:06:11,450
asked me to kiss him.
1051
01:06:13,000 --> 01:06:15,290
I was thrown.
I did not want that.
1052
01:06:15,320 --> 01:06:17,220
I wasn't looking for that.
1053
01:06:19,520 --> 01:06:23,220
That moral stuff
that's been put in your head...
1054
01:06:23,240 --> 01:06:24,260
Yeah?
1055
01:06:24,600 --> 01:06:26,240
...it is not your voice.
1056
01:06:27,280 --> 01:06:29,700
You need to get
to what is authentic,
1057
01:06:30,470 --> 01:06:34,360
'cause you're carring
so much problem in there.
1058
01:06:36,410 --> 01:06:37,900
The first thing he had me do
1059
01:06:37,930 --> 01:06:40,600
was just around the body.
1060
01:06:41,210 --> 01:06:43,230
It was like,
oh, you don't need to be uptight
1061
01:06:43,260 --> 01:06:44,470
about your body.
1062
01:06:44,750 --> 01:06:47,490
See, you can take off your clothes
and be unattached.
1063
01:06:47,740 --> 01:06:49,210
It's not a big deal.
1064
01:06:49,950 --> 01:06:52,530
I felt like I was doing
spiritual work initially.
1065
01:06:55,810 --> 01:06:59,800
Then it started to get, like,
ah, come closer to me.
1066
01:06:59,830 --> 01:07:02,460
And he sat in his throne, here,
very upright and I'd be in front
1067
01:07:02,480 --> 01:07:06,110
of him, on my knees,
and he would-- he said,
1068
01:07:06,130 --> 01:07:09,660
"Just do whatever you want to do,
whatever comes naturally."
1069
01:07:09,890 --> 01:07:12,450
And what came naturally to me was
I wanted to get away.
1070
01:07:25,060 --> 01:07:28,800
He started having sex with me,
not that day, but over a period of time.
1071
01:07:28,830 --> 01:07:33,120
And it became a regular thing--
every Tuesday and Saturday night,
1072
01:07:33,140 --> 01:07:34,560
after the gym.
1073
01:07:34,590 --> 01:07:39,510
It was like clockwork, and, um,
I had never been fucked before.
1074
01:07:40,210 --> 01:07:41,560
And, um,
1075
01:07:49,270 --> 01:07:50,780
I was totally
not down with it,
1076
01:07:50,810 --> 01:07:53,750
and I was hinting at it,
and expressing it,
1077
01:07:53,780 --> 01:07:55,320
and he's just ignoring it,
1078
01:07:55,350 --> 01:07:56,740
like, completely ignoring.
1079
01:07:56,770 --> 01:07:59,980
I mean, imaging having sex
with somebody, male or female,
1080
01:08:00,270 --> 01:08:03,330
and, you--
they're just laying there,
1081
01:08:03,760 --> 01:08:08,590
you know, just there, like,
spaced out, not paying attention to you.
1082
01:08:08,610 --> 01:08:11,210
"Oh, do you like this?"
And your answer is something like,
1083
01:08:11,750 --> 01:08:12,790
"Yeah, sure."
1084
01:08:13,120 --> 01:08:15,600
And they just keep fucking you,
'cause they don't fucking care.
1085
01:08:15,630 --> 01:08:17,980
You know, you're just
a sack of meat to this person.
1086
01:08:18,010 --> 01:08:19,810
That's when
I began to hate him.
1087
01:08:20,410 --> 01:08:23,890
I resisted
and I didn't want to be with him,
1088
01:08:23,920 --> 01:08:28,460
and I would cry, sometimes,
and he would say, "Okay, okay.
1089
01:08:28,700 --> 01:08:31,320
"Let's go down
the long flight of stairs
1090
01:08:31,340 --> 01:08:34,400
"go back to your childhood...
Who is it that you're resisting?"
1091
01:08:34,430 --> 01:08:37,300
And I'd be, like, "I'm resisting you!
I don't want to have sex with you!"
1092
01:08:37,320 --> 01:08:41,670
He's, like, "No, no,
let's go back to your childhood,
1093
01:08:41,690 --> 01:08:45,050
"when somebody wanted you to do something
and you didn't want to do it."
1094
01:08:45,070 --> 01:08:47,500
He was a master.
He was masterful...
1095
01:08:47,520 --> 01:08:48,900
at getting what he wanted.
1096
01:08:50,130 --> 01:08:55,410
And somehow, after this process,
I would be bowing at his feet, saying,
1097
01:08:55,440 --> 01:08:56,580
"Oh, my God, thank you.
1098
01:08:56,610 --> 01:08:59,460
"How do you always bring me
back to this beautiful place?"
1099
01:09:00,000 --> 01:09:01,480
And I'd get fucked again.
1100
01:09:05,990 --> 01:09:07,580
You can't say no.
1101
01:09:09,040 --> 01:09:11,780
No is against the rules.
1102
01:09:12,760 --> 01:09:17,450
And then I had to pay him.
I had to pay him for fucking therapy.
1103
01:09:18,570 --> 01:09:21,060
Fifty bucks,
every time I'd go in.
1104
01:09:21,490 --> 01:09:24,420
So, here's your bullshit therapy,
1105
01:09:25,250 --> 01:09:27,930
We're gonna fuck,
give me $50.
1106
01:09:27,950 --> 01:09:29,850
What a deal.
Can you even imagine?
1107
01:09:33,660 --> 01:09:39,710
This went on for every
single Monday of my life
1108
01:09:39,730 --> 01:09:42,650
for five years.
1109
01:09:48,460 --> 01:09:52,110
Here I am, like,
helping this guy every day
1110
01:09:52,130 --> 01:09:55,620
with his chair, with all
these little details of his life,
1111
01:09:55,640 --> 01:09:56,940
and I hate him.
1112
01:09:57,190 --> 01:10:00,300
But still, somehow,
I'm here in this group,
1113
01:10:00,520 --> 01:10:02,550
going through the motions
serving him,
1114
01:10:02,570 --> 01:10:03,860
and it was just,
1115
01:10:04,080 --> 01:10:07,510
I felt
like I was going mad, and--
1116
01:10:08,710 --> 01:10:10,290
1117
01:10:13,220 --> 01:10:14,300
Yeah.
1118
01:10:14,320 --> 01:10:17,990
I felt like I was
going fucking mad.
1119
01:10:21,540 --> 01:10:23,210
Sophia saved my life.
1120
01:10:28,480 --> 01:10:31,600
God.
Thank you so much, Sophia.
1121
01:10:32,030 --> 01:10:33,070
Thank you.
1122
01:10:34,070 --> 01:10:35,930
She knew something was
funny with me.
1123
01:10:35,950 --> 01:10:39,080
She knew when Andreas told her
not to hook up with me,
1124
01:10:39,110 --> 01:10:40,710
that there was
something not right there,
1125
01:10:40,730 --> 01:10:42,150
and so she ignored him.
1126
01:10:42,410 --> 01:10:45,050
And so we developed
a romantic relationship.
1127
01:10:45,390 --> 01:10:50,160
At age 28, 29,
she was my first girlfriend,
1128
01:10:50,420 --> 01:10:51,880
like, a real girlfriend.
1129
01:10:52,850 --> 01:10:54,380
How could you?
1130
01:10:57,290 --> 01:11:00,940
We trusted you.
We trusted you.
1131
01:11:01,810 --> 01:11:03,580
We trusted--
1132
01:11:10,620 --> 01:11:12,230
We trusted you.
1133
01:11:18,250 --> 01:11:20,370
I still felt
like I owed him everything.
1134
01:11:21,570 --> 01:11:23,870
I feel like such an ass saying it,
you know, I was so stupid.
1135
01:11:23,900 --> 01:11:26,390
I-I thought, like, wow,
he's doing this for me,
1136
01:11:27,900 --> 01:11:29,360
and I never told anyone.
1137
01:11:29,620 --> 01:11:32,930
Not until everything fell apart.
1138
01:11:35,280 --> 01:11:38,940
I knew right there it was,
like, oh, my God, I see now.
1139
01:11:38,960 --> 01:11:41,960
I see what he's been doing.
It was so clear.
1140
01:11:41,990 --> 01:11:44,370
The curtain has been opened.
1141
01:11:44,390 --> 01:11:49,160
The curtain's open. Broke my heart.
You h-- you hurt people.
1142
01:11:53,150 --> 01:11:54,620
One after another,
1143
01:11:54,650 --> 01:11:56,810
young men started sharing
stories of abuse
1144
01:11:56,840 --> 01:11:59,110
with friends
and confidants in the group.
1145
01:12:00,030 --> 01:12:01,470
All these boys came out.
1146
01:12:04,500 --> 01:12:05,760
All these boys.
1147
01:12:06,070 --> 01:12:08,090
So they,
one after the other,
1148
01:12:08,110 --> 01:12:11,650
in tears, came and said,
well, this happened to me,
1149
01:12:11,680 --> 01:12:13,430
and this happened to me,
and it escalated,
1150
01:12:13,460 --> 01:12:14,890
and then it got worse.
1151
01:12:14,920 --> 01:12:16,780
I was hearing
more and more stories.
1152
01:12:17,010 --> 01:12:21,900
A lot of brothers were,
uh, heterosexual, and he...
1153
01:12:22,130 --> 01:12:23,840
He abused them.
He sodomized them.
1154
01:12:24,580 --> 01:12:28,280
I'm not here to compete
with anybody about anything,
1155
01:12:28,590 --> 01:12:31,030
'cause I don't have
any agendas with you,
1156
01:12:31,300 --> 01:12:33,500
except if you're sincerely...
1157
01:12:34,430 --> 01:12:38,210
wanted to grow up,
maybe this would be offered to you.
1158
01:12:39,480 --> 01:12:40,760
Do you follow?
1159
01:12:41,930 --> 01:12:47,450
He took 120 minds and manipulated
each one and their own story.
1160
01:12:47,480 --> 01:12:48,590
Nobody ever knew. No--
1161
01:12:48,620 --> 01:12:50,780
The right hand never knew
what the left hand was doing.
1162
01:12:50,810 --> 01:12:52,580
I never knew what was
going on with you.
1163
01:12:52,610 --> 01:12:55,950
I knew you, intimately,
for 25 years,
1164
01:12:55,970 --> 01:12:58,170
and never knew
that you were suffering.
1165
01:12:58,190 --> 01:12:59,000
Never.
1166
01:12:59,030 --> 01:13:02,230
If I had known that you were
suffering as much as you did,
1167
01:13:02,260 --> 01:13:04,900
or that my other brothers were
suffering as much as they did,
1168
01:13:04,920 --> 01:13:09,090
I would have put a stop to it
from the get-go.
1169
01:13:12,200 --> 01:13:13,390
It's true.
1170
01:13:14,610 --> 01:13:17,370
He started having sex with me
when he took me to Hawaii.
1171
01:13:21,780 --> 01:13:23,600
I didn't understand
what was happening.
1172
01:13:28,900 --> 01:13:31,580
He kept saying that everything
he was doing was for me.
1173
01:13:32,990 --> 01:13:35,780
He told me his master had
brought him close the same way,
1174
01:13:37,150 --> 01:13:38,820
and it was very special.
1175
01:13:45,270 --> 01:13:47,870
He was saving my life,
he told me.
1176
01:13:48,530 --> 01:13:50,020
I would die without him.
1177
01:13:52,540 --> 01:13:56,400
Yet he was still that person in my life
who could take me to this God experience,
1178
01:13:56,640 --> 01:13:59,870
and I was dependent on him
for that, in my mind.
1179
01:14:04,450 --> 01:14:07,560
And even though I had suspicions
that I wasn't the only one,
1180
01:14:07,790 --> 01:14:10,220
I kept quiet,
and protected him.
1181
01:14:12,050 --> 01:14:15,290
I couldn't show anyone what I was
feeling or what I was going through.
1182
01:14:16,560 --> 01:14:19,500
And despite having the whole
Buddhafield as my family,
1183
01:14:20,400 --> 01:14:21,550
I was alone.
1184
01:14:31,690 --> 01:14:34,260
He told me he was only
working with me this way,
1185
01:14:35,030 --> 01:14:37,880
and I could not tell anyone
because they would not understand.
1186
01:14:42,260 --> 01:14:44,060
But nobody had
the complete story.
1187
01:14:44,540 --> 01:14:46,390
So some people knew some things,
1188
01:14:46,420 --> 01:14:47,660
other people new other things,
1189
01:14:47,690 --> 01:14:49,120
I knew the thing that I knew,
1190
01:14:49,140 --> 01:14:53,300
but nobody was allowed to really
talk to each other about it.
1191
01:14:53,840 --> 01:15:00,870
I had no clue that he had been seducing
so many of the men in the community.
1192
01:15:00,890 --> 01:15:04,360
When I heard the stories
about what was actually happening,
1193
01:15:04,380 --> 01:15:07,810
that was when I was, like,
you motherfucker.
1194
01:15:08,350 --> 01:15:10,740
Along with the confessions
of sexual abuse
1195
01:15:10,760 --> 01:15:12,390
came other stories.
1196
01:15:12,610 --> 01:15:14,310
He told me to say I had cancer,
1197
01:15:14,330 --> 01:15:17,260
and I had to tell my best friends,
my lover, everyone,
1198
01:15:17,540 --> 01:15:20,470
and I had to keep that
a secret so that he could
1199
01:15:20,690 --> 01:15:25,190
be the great healer and heal me
of my cancer that didn't exist.
1200
01:15:26,630 --> 01:15:30,070
It was, like,
"Are you fucking kidding me?"
1201
01:15:30,100 --> 01:15:33,210
Was 70% of it a lie?
Was 80% of it a lie?
1202
01:15:35,490 --> 01:15:37,020
And finally, we discovered
1203
01:15:37,050 --> 01:15:40,840
that the rumors of him being
a porn actor were, in fact, true.
1204
01:15:49,740 --> 01:15:51,990
As more people were
finding out about the truth,
1205
01:15:52,020 --> 01:15:54,150
a few started
to confront Andreas.
1206
01:15:55,570 --> 01:15:58,620
And I said,
"You can't do this.
1207
01:15:58,640 --> 01:16:01,860
"This is our community
and you are destroying it."
1208
01:16:01,890 --> 01:16:04,580
I literally confronted him.
I go, "What are we doing?"
1209
01:16:04,610 --> 01:16:06,110
He'd completely deny it.
1210
01:16:06,390 --> 01:16:09,930
He'd say,
"Radhia, I know that you're hearing this,
1211
01:16:09,960 --> 01:16:11,640
"but I haven't done that."
1212
01:16:11,920 --> 01:16:16,950
He just had this innate belief
that you just keep telling the story
1213
01:16:16,980 --> 01:16:18,360
and they'll believe it.
1214
01:16:18,380 --> 01:16:19,640
I had to take a stand.
1215
01:16:19,890 --> 01:16:22,470
I knew there were a lot
of innocent, new people there
1216
01:16:22,490 --> 01:16:25,450
that would not even know
what was really going on.
1217
01:16:25,480 --> 01:16:27,130
I was, like, okay, enough.
1218
01:16:27,670 --> 01:16:29,580
This is what I needed to leave.
1219
01:16:29,830 --> 01:16:33,060
It got to a point
where I didn't care.
1220
01:16:33,080 --> 01:16:35,100
It was, like, okay,
I might be dead in a year,
1221
01:16:35,120 --> 01:16:37,640
but it is better than being
here for another second.
1222
01:16:37,670 --> 01:16:41,010
And I said, no more.
I am not your sex toy.
1223
01:16:41,410 --> 01:16:43,580
I'm done.
I'm not going to take any more.
1224
01:16:43,600 --> 01:16:46,690
He looked at me
and his eyes went black.
1225
01:16:46,710 --> 01:16:48,390
His eyes got different,
1226
01:16:48,410 --> 01:16:50,790
his face got different,
it was freaky.
1227
01:16:50,820 --> 01:16:53,230
It was clear to me,
when I was looking at him,
1228
01:16:53,250 --> 01:16:55,290
that I was dealing
with a madman
1229
01:16:55,320 --> 01:16:56,950
that was grasping at straws
1230
01:16:56,970 --> 01:16:58,930
to try to keep
everything together.
1231
01:16:59,170 --> 01:17:03,430
That's when the spell broke, and I was,
like, you have nothing for me anymore.
1232
01:17:03,460 --> 01:17:07,270
In a period of a week, boom, boom, boom,
all of a sudden, everybody started leaving.
1233
01:17:07,490 --> 01:17:10,390
He was on his heels.
He was backpedaling.
1234
01:17:11,080 --> 01:17:13,120
The Buddhafield was falling apart.
1235
01:17:14,090 --> 01:17:16,890
It was devastating to watch
my closest friends leave,
1236
01:17:17,470 --> 01:17:19,730
and I began to feel
the need to join them,
1237
01:17:20,210 --> 01:17:21,780
but as much as I tried,
1238
01:17:21,800 --> 01:17:25,000
I couldn't get rid of my sense
of obligation to Andreas.
1239
01:17:25,530 --> 01:17:27,300
He still denied everything,
1240
01:17:27,330 --> 01:17:30,850
and he wanted a chance to tell his side
of the story to those who would listen,
1241
01:17:31,240 --> 01:17:34,220
so he asked me to grab
my camera one last time.
1242
01:17:34,890 --> 01:17:39,000
We were summoned, uh,
to a house, uh, one evening,
1243
01:17:39,030 --> 01:17:40,920
that there was going to be
a message from Andreas.
1244
01:17:40,940 --> 01:17:45,010
And they put up this big video
screen and they showed this video.
1245
01:17:49,750 --> 01:17:57,840
What this is cannot be putted
in a biographical letter.
1246
01:18:00,570 --> 01:18:04,810
It doesn't need résumés
about its story.
1247
01:18:05,310 --> 01:18:06,540
What this is...
1248
01:18:07,850 --> 01:18:08,860
is free...
1249
01:18:10,990 --> 01:18:12,210
untouched...
1250
01:18:13,130 --> 01:18:14,470
unpolluted...
1251
01:18:17,450 --> 01:18:19,190
not apologize.
1252
01:18:21,490 --> 01:18:23,110
There were some people
1253
01:18:23,700 --> 01:18:27,570
that, for the first time I saw
in a gathering, that got up,
1254
01:18:27,590 --> 01:18:30,010
and, like, I don't know,
10 or 20 people left
1255
01:18:30,040 --> 01:18:31,730
while that video was going on,
1256
01:18:31,760 --> 01:18:34,910
because it was so disturbing.
1257
01:18:41,530 --> 01:18:42,880
I am in you.
1258
01:18:44,910 --> 01:18:46,090
But in truth,
1259
01:18:46,600 --> 01:18:48,860
there's no "I,"
and there's no "you."
1260
01:18:49,450 --> 01:18:50,560
Now, come.
1261
01:18:59,210 --> 01:19:04,810
May all beings wake up.
1262
01:19:13,330 --> 01:19:14,760
You could hear a pin drop.
1263
01:19:14,780 --> 01:19:16,080
Nobody bought it.
1264
01:19:16,110 --> 01:19:18,610
Everybody was questioning
things in their head.
1265
01:19:18,630 --> 01:19:20,940
But then he did something
that surprised us all.
1266
01:19:20,970 --> 01:19:23,570
He decided,
after 17 years,
1267
01:19:23,600 --> 01:19:25,870
it was time for another
Knowing session.
1268
01:19:26,730 --> 01:19:29,230
A few loyal members
took him up on his offer,
1269
01:19:30,040 --> 01:19:31,760
including my sister, Amy,
1270
01:19:32,020 --> 01:19:34,590
who still had no idea
what had happened to me.
1271
01:19:34,820 --> 01:19:40,660
And now, he's desperate to hold on
to those of us who still trusted him.
1272
01:19:40,930 --> 01:19:43,660
So he--
he revealed the Knowing.
1273
01:19:43,690 --> 01:19:46,090
And he was awful.
1274
01:19:46,120 --> 01:19:49,360
He wasn't even
connected to me at all.
1275
01:19:50,600 --> 01:19:53,780
The day after,
we went for a walk,
1276
01:19:54,060 --> 01:19:58,450
and he came up and he put
his hand on my wrist,
1277
01:19:59,150 --> 01:20:01,180
and he says,
"You know, Emeliana,
1278
01:20:01,200 --> 01:20:04,320
"these people are trying
to destroy your master,
1279
01:20:04,600 --> 01:20:08,100
"and I need to know
if you know someone
1280
01:20:08,120 --> 01:20:10,910
"or if you can find a way to
1281
01:20:11,320 --> 01:20:13,390
"have them taken out,
1282
01:20:13,630 --> 01:20:14,780
"get rid of them.
1283
01:20:15,440 --> 01:20:19,820
"If not that, find someone
who can just destroy their lives
1284
01:20:19,840 --> 01:20:22,960
"through the IRS,
or whatever way."
1285
01:20:24,750 --> 01:20:26,920
People he wanted harmed,
1286
01:20:27,160 --> 01:20:31,320
they were the two people
who were behind exposing the truth
1287
01:20:31,350 --> 01:20:33,610
of what was really
going on with him.
1288
01:20:33,890 --> 01:20:38,260
The guy who wrote
the letter and Radhia.
1289
01:20:42,410 --> 01:20:43,830
You know, it's--
1290
01:20:44,070 --> 01:20:46,740
How did this shatter?
1291
01:20:47,000 --> 01:20:48,550
How did everything shatter?
1292
01:20:49,000 --> 01:20:53,880
How did I come here being
so hated and so ostracized
1293
01:20:53,900 --> 01:20:57,440
and demonized
when I loved someone
1294
01:20:57,460 --> 01:21:02,430
so much and gave
my life for so long?
1295
01:21:03,280 --> 01:21:05,870
Yeah, I don't know
who he was at that point.
1296
01:21:06,070 --> 01:21:08,640
To see that
and finally start
1297
01:21:09,100 --> 01:21:13,280
having my realizations
about Andreas,
1298
01:21:13,310 --> 01:21:17,330
that everything he did was
a manipulation for some
1299
01:21:17,350 --> 01:21:20,390
narcissistic, maniacal end.
1300
01:21:21,100 --> 01:21:23,070
This thing was fucked.
1301
01:21:24,240 --> 01:21:26,210
Some members warned Andreas,
1302
01:21:26,230 --> 01:21:27,710
if he didn't stop his work,
1303
01:21:27,740 --> 01:21:29,570
they would press
charges against him.
1304
01:21:30,150 --> 01:21:32,180
We convinced him
he would be left alone
1305
01:21:32,200 --> 01:21:34,460
if he promised
to stop being a teacher.
1306
01:21:35,460 --> 01:21:37,200
I didn't want
to see him harmed,
1307
01:21:37,230 --> 01:21:39,150
but I wanted all this to end.
1308
01:21:41,190 --> 01:21:43,610
So I reluctantly flew
with him and a few others
1309
01:21:43,640 --> 01:21:45,620
to relocate him to Hawaii.
1310
01:21:50,760 --> 01:21:54,500
Here I was, returning to the place
where the abuse all started.
1311
01:21:59,270 --> 01:22:00,870
But finally this time,
1312
01:22:00,890 --> 01:22:02,580
I was done with the lies.
1313
01:22:04,320 --> 01:22:05,910
And I was done with him.
1314
01:22:10,680 --> 01:22:14,170
So, after 22 years,
I left...
1315
01:22:16,250 --> 01:22:17,760
without saying goodbye.
1316
01:22:42,400 --> 01:22:47,830
I had just had 200 of my closest friends,
who I considered to be family, gone.
1317
01:22:48,970 --> 01:22:51,380
It was kind of like
a bomb went off,
1318
01:22:52,010 --> 01:22:56,050
and, like, a village
that I lived in was totally destroyed.
1319
01:22:58,250 --> 01:23:00,060
That was the feeling it was.
1320
01:23:02,130 --> 01:23:04,230
I miss that community.
1321
01:23:09,500 --> 01:23:11,320
It's like a big death...
1322
01:23:12,790 --> 01:23:15,020
of your family all at once.
1323
01:23:19,220 --> 01:23:20,890
I did so much service for him
1324
01:23:20,910 --> 01:23:22,650
and didn't worry
about the future
1325
01:23:22,680 --> 01:23:24,290
that when it was over,
1326
01:23:24,550 --> 01:23:27,900
I had $45 to my name,
I didn't have a bank account,
1327
01:23:27,920 --> 01:23:29,150
I didn't have anything.
1328
01:23:30,330 --> 01:23:33,700
I remembered just laying
on the floor in fetal position.
1329
01:23:34,220 --> 01:23:37,010
It was like I was dropping
through this trap door.
1330
01:23:37,030 --> 01:23:39,280
It was black
and there was no bottom.
1331
01:23:41,730 --> 01:23:44,060
Where am I gonna
find that awe?
1332
01:23:44,080 --> 01:23:46,720
Who's gonna make me dance
in the forest?
1333
01:23:47,020 --> 01:23:48,030
You know?
1334
01:23:48,840 --> 01:23:53,420
Who's gonna make me be willing
to sing when I can't sing?
1335
01:24:01,720 --> 01:24:03,670
I questioned
everything I thought
1336
01:24:03,690 --> 01:24:05,130
when I came
out of the group.
1337
01:24:07,880 --> 01:24:12,030
I sold my house
and I took a job as a bouncer,
1338
01:24:12,060 --> 01:24:15,180
and, you know,
reclaimed my masculinity.
1339
01:24:18,170 --> 01:24:19,850
I was so angry.
1340
01:24:20,630 --> 01:24:23,330
I was so bitter.
I was so cynical.
1341
01:24:24,510 --> 01:24:26,170
I couldn't trust anything.
1342
01:24:29,350 --> 01:24:30,640
All of us who left the group
1343
01:24:30,670 --> 01:24:31,930
needed to heal.
1344
01:24:32,260 --> 01:24:36,310
- ♪ Happy birthday ♪
- Like many of my friends,
1345
01:24:36,560 --> 01:24:39,770
I tried to mend the relationships
I had given up in the past.
1346
01:24:40,120 --> 01:24:48,610
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
1347
01:24:49,330 --> 01:24:50,570
We embraced them.
1348
01:24:50,600 --> 01:24:52,010
We told them
we loved them.
1349
01:24:52,030 --> 01:24:53,720
We never gave up on them.
1350
01:24:54,760 --> 01:24:57,390
I had prayed that they would
come back and they did.
1351
01:24:59,010 --> 01:25:01,860
It was unbelievable, really,
what they'd been through.
1352
01:25:03,200 --> 01:25:06,070
And I was glad that they were
rid of this man,
1353
01:25:06,100 --> 01:25:07,470
and I just feel
1354
01:25:07,500 --> 01:25:10,510
a deep hatred, and I shouldn't.
I'm not supposed to hate,
1355
01:25:10,970 --> 01:25:12,830
But I feel that
1356
01:25:15,350 --> 01:25:17,120
he really is evil.
1357
01:25:18,030 --> 01:25:19,220
Really evil.
1358
01:25:21,090 --> 01:25:23,960
There's this social interplay
that happens between
1359
01:25:23,990 --> 01:25:28,880
highly co-dependent people
and pathological narcissists.
1360
01:25:31,580 --> 01:25:34,130
Who is going
to give a person,
1361
01:25:34,160 --> 01:25:37,590
who needs constant
adoration and attention,
1362
01:25:37,610 --> 01:25:41,080
who is going to give
that to them, ceaselessly?
1363
01:25:41,570 --> 01:25:44,130
Somebody who relies on him
1364
01:25:44,390 --> 01:25:46,370
as the source
of their self-esteem.
1365
01:25:47,800 --> 01:25:51,730
And they'll say, "You seem like a normal,
rational, intelligent human being.
1366
01:25:51,750 --> 01:25:53,540
"How did this happen to you?"
1367
01:25:53,920 --> 01:25:56,540
It was hard for me
to admit that...
1368
01:25:57,090 --> 01:26:01,230
I was brain-- I was brainwashed,
uh, and I was in a cult.
1369
01:26:02,580 --> 01:26:04,000
You know, looking back now,
1370
01:26:04,020 --> 01:26:07,630
he would do all kinds of things
to draw you in to him...
1371
01:26:08,690 --> 01:26:09,940
endearing things.
1372
01:26:09,970 --> 01:26:11,930
And he made you
feel special,
1373
01:26:12,180 --> 01:26:14,330
and you felt really loved.
1374
01:26:16,260 --> 01:26:22,020
There's something about seeing other people
being devoted that makes you think,
1375
01:26:22,040 --> 01:26:25,280
"Oh, well,
those people don't seem crazy."
1376
01:26:26,190 --> 01:26:29,490
It's what we do every time
we come into a religion.
1377
01:26:29,510 --> 01:26:32,340
We take on
their beliefs as truth.
1378
01:26:32,710 --> 01:26:35,240
You will do anything
to defend that truth.
1379
01:26:35,520 --> 01:26:37,770
You subjugate
your best interests
1380
01:26:37,800 --> 01:26:39,750
to the interests
of the religion,
1381
01:26:39,770 --> 01:26:42,110
the group,
the corporation.
1382
01:26:42,830 --> 01:26:46,030
That's what happens
in a group-think system.
1383
01:26:46,270 --> 01:26:49,620
That's what keeps you there.
Yeah, that's what kept me there.
1384
01:26:50,080 --> 01:26:53,550
And so, the better you feel,
the more you get committed.
1385
01:26:53,840 --> 01:26:56,920
And then, somebody can get you
to do anything.
1386
01:26:57,380 --> 01:26:59,710
I mean, I would have
killed or died for him.
1387
01:27:00,930 --> 01:27:03,390
It's so common.
It's everywhere.
1388
01:27:03,420 --> 01:27:05,140
Look around you.
You've got a cult in your town,
1389
01:27:05,170 --> 01:27:06,630
I almost guarantee you.
1390
01:27:53,620 --> 01:27:54,650
I know.
I see them all.
1391
01:27:54,680 --> 01:27:55,710
There's Andreas.
1392
01:28:16,920 --> 01:28:18,970
Andreas has created
a new group,
1393
01:28:19,190 --> 01:28:21,860
and currently has
over 100 followers.
1394
01:28:25,200 --> 01:28:27,780
I do think that he's
created that sort of
1395
01:28:27,810 --> 01:28:30,570
hyper protection
around him again.
1396
01:28:34,540 --> 01:28:40,020
Andreas was now calling himself
Reyji, which means god king.
1397
01:28:42,880 --> 01:28:45,870
To this day,
I don't understand.
1398
01:28:46,920 --> 01:28:51,040
Some people still stayed...
still stayed when they were told the truth.
1399
01:28:56,370 --> 01:28:59,690
Without those people
going along and being there,
1400
01:28:59,710 --> 01:29:02,400
he would not have been able
to reconstitute the group.
1401
01:29:03,410 --> 01:29:06,170
It hurts me to see that he's still
doing the same manipulation,
1402
01:29:06,190 --> 01:29:08,050
and it's sad, because
1403
01:29:08,070 --> 01:29:10,180
people give up their lives.
You give up your power.
1404
01:29:11,280 --> 01:29:13,060
They're going to deny
their own ambitions,
1405
01:29:13,090 --> 01:29:15,510
their own
abilities and talents
1406
01:29:15,750 --> 01:29:16,780
for him.
1407
01:29:16,860 --> 01:29:18,750
Everything's going
to be done for him.
1408
01:29:20,730 --> 01:29:22,290
The thing is,
what I would say to them,
1409
01:29:22,310 --> 01:29:24,040
if I thought that
they could hear,
1410
01:29:24,070 --> 01:29:26,810
was he is not it.
1411
01:29:27,030 --> 01:29:29,330
He is only here for himself,
1412
01:29:29,550 --> 01:29:30,850
not for you.
1413
01:29:31,360 --> 01:29:32,700
Now, could-could they hear that?
1414
01:29:32,720 --> 01:29:35,380
I know they couldn't.
I couldn't hear it for 22 years.
1415
01:29:40,150 --> 01:29:43,140
Innocent people are coming,
now, to this day,
1416
01:29:43,600 --> 01:29:45,860
and they're very sincere,
and they should know.
1417
01:29:46,110 --> 01:29:47,560
They should know the truth.
1418
01:29:48,060 --> 01:29:50,310
Like, the only way we can
get to him is undercover.
1419
01:29:50,830 --> 01:29:54,410
Um, otherwise, if he sees
a camera, he will disappear.
1420
01:29:58,190 --> 01:30:01,060
In the beginning,
when I came into the Buddhafield,
1421
01:30:03,380 --> 01:30:07,310
I initially thought that I was
finding a deeper truth in my films.
1422
01:30:09,250 --> 01:30:10,720
I thought I was capturing life
1423
01:30:10,740 --> 01:30:12,230
and expressing love.
1424
01:30:15,650 --> 01:30:18,390
But really,
I had just fed his cause
1425
01:30:20,020 --> 01:30:24,460
and contributed, in my own way,
to hurting people that I loved.
1426
01:30:31,110 --> 01:30:32,170
Testing.
1427
01:30:33,690 --> 01:30:35,060
- What do you think?
- Yeah.
1428
01:30:38,260 --> 01:30:39,810
Getting freaked out.
1429
01:31:49,520 --> 01:31:50,960
When did you get here?
1430
01:31:51,280 --> 01:31:52,550
My birthday.
1431
01:31:53,740 --> 01:31:55,070
Staying over there.
1432
01:32:01,090 --> 01:32:02,310
And what are you doing?
1433
01:32:04,720 --> 01:32:07,580
Just being alive
and enjoying.
1434
01:32:08,020 --> 01:32:09,070
Me, too.
1435
01:32:11,160 --> 01:32:12,940
I mean,
it hasn't been easy.
1436
01:32:13,190 --> 01:32:14,840
- You know what I mean?
- Mm-hmm.
1437
01:32:23,690 --> 01:32:25,450
You have a lot
of disciples, I see, huh?
1438
01:32:26,070 --> 01:32:27,100
No.
1439
01:32:27,970 --> 01:32:29,510
People come and go.
1440
01:32:29,750 --> 01:32:32,440
This is it, pretty much,
like people pass through.
1441
01:32:35,800 --> 01:32:36,950
Well, all right.
1442
01:32:37,340 --> 01:32:38,660
Are you being a good boy?
1443
01:32:39,610 --> 01:32:40,620
No.
1444
01:32:41,480 --> 01:32:43,250
I don't know what that is.
1445
01:32:43,500 --> 01:32:45,890
Don't you think
you should learn what that is?
1446
01:32:47,810 --> 01:32:49,050
Good and bad,
1447
01:32:49,910 --> 01:32:51,790
better to find out
what is best.
1448
01:32:51,820 --> 01:32:53,190
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
1449
01:32:53,710 --> 01:32:55,790
Have you been being
your best boy?
1450
01:32:57,030 --> 01:32:58,490
I'm just being.
1451
01:33:23,730 --> 01:33:26,270
For years I felt
like I had no power,
1452
01:33:27,740 --> 01:33:28,880
no voice.
1453
01:33:33,500 --> 01:33:34,730
But I was wrong.
1454
01:33:37,560 --> 01:33:41,250
Sorry, Andreas,
but somebody needs to stop you,
1455
01:33:41,590 --> 01:33:45,260
because you've hurt my brother,
and you have hurt my other brothers
1456
01:33:45,280 --> 01:33:48,530
in ways that they will
never heal from,
1457
01:33:48,890 --> 01:33:55,140
and you need to go down,
you ugly, distorted, son of a bitch.
1458
01:33:56,150 --> 01:33:57,300
Fuck you.
1459
01:34:01,880 --> 01:34:06,340
It's sort of this tedious process
of looking, sifting through everything,
1460
01:34:06,370 --> 01:34:07,880
and looking at the good,
1461
01:34:07,900 --> 01:34:10,440
and then letting go
of some of the negatives.
1462
01:34:10,830 --> 01:34:12,130
There's a lot of good.
1463
01:34:23,410 --> 01:34:24,970
I feel like I'm
much more clear,
1464
01:34:24,990 --> 01:34:26,990
much more knowledgeable,
and much more aware
1465
01:34:27,020 --> 01:34:28,700
than I--
I would have ever been
1466
01:34:28,720 --> 01:34:31,360
if I hadn't gone
through that entire experience.
1467
01:34:36,040 --> 01:34:37,950
I don't think
about the bad.
1468
01:34:38,190 --> 01:34:39,980
It-- It doesn't come
to my conciousness.
1469
01:34:40,000 --> 01:34:43,240
'cause I only remember what was
good for me and what helped me.
1470
01:34:43,260 --> 01:34:44,590
And what helped me was...
1471
01:34:45,310 --> 01:34:47,590
this, this connection
we have with each other.
1472
01:34:50,390 --> 01:34:53,310
It wasn't because of the teacher.
It was because of us.
1473
01:34:56,810 --> 01:35:00,770
It was this beautifully crazy,
insane, horrible experience
1474
01:35:00,800 --> 01:35:03,210
that has made me
who I am today,
1475
01:35:03,230 --> 01:35:05,870
and I-- I can't
wrap myself around it.
1476
01:35:06,640 --> 01:35:08,500
I'm really glad
about who I am now.
1477
01:35:08,790 --> 01:35:10,160
I'm really happy
with my life.
1478
01:35:10,190 --> 01:35:12,750
I have an amazingly
rich, beautiful life.
1479
01:35:12,780 --> 01:35:14,170
I have an amazing...
1480
01:35:20,180 --> 01:35:23,040
I both regret it
and I don't regret it,
1481
01:35:23,060 --> 01:35:25,120
and I'm super thankful, and...
1482
01:35:27,800 --> 01:35:31,570
really happy
about who I am now, so...
1483
01:35:32,730 --> 01:35:34,490
maybe it's worth this.
1484
01:35:36,850 --> 01:35:38,350
Maybe it's worth the--
1485
01:35:56,650 --> 01:36:00,700
In 2006, I shot video portraits
of some of my friends.
1486
01:36:01,960 --> 01:36:04,880
By the time I finished
the video in 2007,
1487
01:36:04,910 --> 01:36:06,400
the Buddhafield
as I had known it
1488
01:36:06,420 --> 01:36:07,600
had broken apart.
1489
01:36:07,620 --> 01:36:10,810
♪ We'll do it all
1490
01:36:10,840 --> 01:36:12,790
Some followed
the teacher to Hawaii.
1491
01:36:12,820 --> 01:36:15,350
♪ Everything
1492
01:36:15,370 --> 01:36:16,460
- But most left.
1493
01:36:17,420 --> 01:36:20,310
♪ On our own
1494
01:36:20,340 --> 01:36:21,960
It was a confusing time.
1495
01:36:26,570 --> 01:36:29,240
♪ We don't need
1496
01:36:31,270 --> 01:36:33,860
♪ Anything or anyone
1497
01:36:35,550 --> 01:36:38,460
♪ Or anyone
1498
01:36:41,550 --> 01:36:43,890
♪ If I lie here
1499
01:36:46,160 --> 01:36:49,310
♪ If I just lie here
1500
01:36:50,840 --> 01:36:56,640
♪ Would you lie with me
and just forget the world?
1501
01:36:59,740 --> 01:37:02,290
♪ Forget what we're told
1502
01:37:04,410 --> 01:37:07,940
♪ Before we get too old
1503
01:37:09,190 --> 01:37:15,030
♪ Show me a garden
that's burstin' into life
1504
01:37:18,530 --> 01:37:20,600
♪ All that I am
1505
01:37:23,160 --> 01:37:26,220
♪ All that I am or was
1506
01:37:27,600 --> 01:37:31,080
♪ It's here in your perfect eyes
1507
01:37:31,310 --> 01:37:33,470
♪ They're all I can see
1508
01:37:37,030 --> 01:37:39,010
♪ I don't know where
1509
01:37:41,390 --> 01:37:44,510
♪ Confused about how as well
1510
01:37:45,970 --> 01:37:51,980
♪ Just know that these things will
never change for us at all
1511
01:37:55,450 --> 01:37:57,600
♪ If I lie here
1512
01:38:00,110 --> 01:38:02,960
♪ If I just lie here
1513
01:38:04,620 --> 01:38:10,470
♪ Would you lie with me
and just forget the world ♪
1514
01:38:24,360 --> 01:38:27,430
[♪ Sky Inside by Cabot Budlong]
1515
01:38:59,250 --> 01:39:00,940
♪ Raining down
1516
01:39:01,670 --> 01:39:07,290
♪ Down upon me
and all around I feel it
1517
01:39:09,090 --> 01:39:10,690
♪ Raining down
1518
01:39:10,950 --> 01:39:13,220
♪ Rain down on me
1519
01:39:13,470 --> 01:39:17,020
♪ Rain until you heal it
1520
01:39:19,080 --> 01:39:22,500
♪ And the gray sky's overshadowed
1521
01:39:23,130 --> 01:39:27,100
♪ In the clouds up above me
1522
01:39:29,200 --> 01:39:38,010
♪ And see the clouds
turning into clear blue skies
1523
01:39:39,000 --> 01:39:45,800
♪ And I'm asking,
asking you to reveal it
1524
01:39:49,030 --> 01:39:58,090
♪ I'm asking, asking you
to reveal that sky inside ♪
1525
01:40:24,010 --> 01:40:26,490
- ♪ Raining down
- ♪ Raining down
1526
01:40:26,520 --> 01:40:31,510
- ♪ Down upon me and all around I feel it
- ♪ O-o-ohhh
1527
01:40:33,470 --> 01:40:37,660
- ♪ Raining down, rain down on me
- ♪ Raining down, on me
1528
01:40:37,680 --> 01:40:41,470
- ♪ Rain until you heal it
- ♪ Rain until you heal it
1529
01:40:42,940 --> 01:40:46,450
- ♪ And the gray sky's overshadowed
- ♪ Gray sky's overshadowed
1530
01:40:46,860 --> 01:40:51,550
- ♪ In the clouds up above me
- ♪ Clouds up above me
1531
01:40:52,520 --> 01:40:57,090
- ♪ Somewhere on the other side
- ♪ Somewhere on the other
1532
01:40:57,120 --> 01:41:00,740
- ♪ Falling down like love
- ♪ Side
1533
01:41:00,760 --> 01:41:10,120
- ♪ And I see that cloud turning into you
- ♪ Side, I feel that sky
1534
01:41:10,150 --> 01:41:14,870
- ♪ Then I'm asking you, asking you
- ♪ Inside
1535
01:41:14,900 --> 01:41:21,170
♪ To reveal that sky inside
1536
01:41:22,940 --> 01:41:28,250
♪ Now I'm standing in what you rebuilt
1537
01:41:28,480 --> 01:41:32,860
♪ Sky inside
1538
01:41:33,180 --> 01:41:35,080
♪ Sky inside ♪
123729
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