Original subtitles

( upbeat blues theme playing )

Jake, you watch the news this morning?

How many times do I have to tell you--?

Rhetorical question. Stay with me, will you?

They're doing this story, right, on violence in America,

and they're interviewing some bloated senator

from one of our great trailer-park states.

Now, does, uh, Senator Gomer advocate making guns

more difficult to get?

No, no, no, no. He blames television.

You know, what about all the violence that happened

before we had television?

I suppose the Spanish Inquisition came off

a bad episode of Gilligan's Island.

( cash register rings )

Oh, great, now I'm out of cigarettes.

Perfect cherry on top of this crap sundae of a morning.

Give me a pack, will you?

You know, you ought to just quit, John.

Heh, it's taking years off your life.

Yeah, but it's just those crusty-old-fart years

where you walk around bitching at the world.

As opposed to this whole high-on-life Gandhi thing

you've got going on now?

Look, I need a new motor for my damn freezer.

D-- Don't give me excuses.

I've got a kitchen full of soured milk,

rotten eggs and purple meat.

What are you having, Becker?

Second thoughts about eating here.

Give me a cup of coffee to go, will you, please?

Just my luck. The one weekend I make plans,

and this place starts falling apart.

Oh, yeah? What are you doing?

Well, my old roommate, Amanda, is coming up to visit.

We used to model together in Miami and--

Oh, my gosh, she's so much fun.

We used to hit the bars and play this game

called Catch and Release.

"Catch and Release"? REGGIE: Yeah.

We'd get all tarted up and let the guys buy us drinks,

and then at the end of the night

we'd toss the guys back and go home.

( chuckles )

Oh, that's a-- That's-- That's a real pretty picture, you know.

Desperate women scamming lonely salesmen

out of Harvey Wallbangers.

Yeah, you must have been so proud.

I love the idea

of models at play.

Like two kittens wrestling over a ball of yarn.

Nasty little kittens.

( coughs )

( coughing )

Gee, I think Lassie's trying to tell us something.

What is it, girl?

He's trying to tell you you're an idiot.

How can you be a doctor and still smoke?

Hey, I'm alive with pleasure, you know,

and knock it off, will you?

I'm tired of being treated like a leper

just 'cause I'm a smoker.

I mean, look at this guy. He-- He smokes.

Don't you wish they'd just shut up and leave you alone?

( electronically amplified ): Tell me about it.

( upbeat blues theme swells )

( upbeat blues theme playing )

Louis, trust me, you don't need a bigger one.

A few inches here or there is not gonna make a difference.

No, I don't care what your friends have.

You shouldn't feel inadequate.

Well, then don't look at Joe's.

Just be happy with what you've got.

I am.

Oh, what is it with men and big-screen TVs?

Oh.

Margaret, congratulate me.

I just quit smoking.

Oh, no. Why?

Let's just say that I've seen the future,

and it has no larynx.

Larynxes are highly overrated,

especially yours.

Margaret, I'm shocked.

You, of all people, should be encouraging him.

Ah, you wouldn't be saying that if you were here

the last five times he tried to quit.

He was a lunatic.

Well, Dr. Becker, I'm behind you.

In fact, I could help.

I'll be your sponsor.

If you get the urge to smoke, just call me,

anytime, day or night.

Except tonight, 'cause I have a date.

And not before noon tomorrow

'cause I'll probably still have a date.

And not tomorrow night either because--

Well, just leave a message

and I'll try and get back to you at some point.

See? Linda's behind me.

John, I want us both to live long, happy lives,

so understand when I say please keep smoking.

No, I can do this, Margaret.

It's simply a matter of finding alternative strategies

for coping with stress.

At least that's the crap I tell my patients.

Should work for me.

MARGARET: Well, here's your first test.

Mr. Ehrlich is waiting in Room One.

Ehrlich? Mm-hm.

Oh, I guess I just dreamed he died.

( upbeat blues theme playing )

( whiny voice ): So anyway, Dr. Becker,

I just feel off.

Everything hurts.

Yeah, as I've been saying, Mr. Ehrlich,

it's all part of the flu.

I've got chills and a fever.

Even my legs are achy.

All part of the flu.

My nose is stuffy.

I have no energy.

Part of the flu.

And then there's the sweats.

Mostly at night. The flu.

I guess that's why they call them night sweats.

What would cause them?

It's the flu! For God's sake, Mr. Ehrlich,

what the hell's the matter with you?

I don't know.

Maybe I caught a bug.

( upbeat blues theme playing )

Just get the hell out of my way, will you?

Where are my damn cigarettes?

Sorry, John. Linda called and asked Reggie

to throw them out. And I can't give you a pack

because Linda made me promise-- Jake, don't screw with me.

I haven't had a cigarette all day.

You know what I'm usually like?

I'm more like that now.

( drawer opens )

Thank you.

( hoarsely ): That'll be 3.75.

Damn you.

Two weeks for delivery?

From Jersey?

You said two days.

Look, I know when you're in New Jersey,

two days must seem like two weeks, but--

Look, just send it overnight.

I'll pay extra.

Jackass.

You always did have a way with people.

Amanda.

Oh, my God, you look fabulous.

Oh, so do you.

So...

is this what they call ghetto chic?

No, just ghetto.

Not quite our condo in South Beach.

Not quite a condo in Omaha Beach.

Amanda, this is Jake Malinak and John Becker.

They're, um--

They're here a lot.

Oh, it's nice to meet you.

Ooh, you sound tall.

You smell friendly.

Why are we talking like this? I'm blind.

And yet you're still staring at my breasts.

Sorry.

Creature of habit.

( sighs ) REGGIE: So, what's new?

How's Bill?

Oh, Bill is scuba diving.

In Barbados.

With our dogsitter, Kristy.

Thanks for asking.

Sorry.

No, no, it's fine.

I got the dog. He got the bitch.

I've got a great new apartment, a new job with a PR firm.

Speaking of which, I've got a client

who just opened up a club in Soho.

You wanna go?

Oh, that sounds like fun.

Or at least what I remember fun was like

the last time I had any.

Great.

You wanna join us? It's on me.

I'll go.

What about him?

Ooh, I don't think Becker's into clubs.

I don't think Becker's into fun.

Hey, screw both of you.

I like fun as much as anyone else.

( loud dance music playing )

Hey, Sprockets, smoke it or swallow it,

but get it the hell out of my face.

John, that woman just invited me to a party.

What does she look like?

The one in drag or the one with the hump?

Don't screw with me, John.

I'm blind and I sell Chiclets for a living.

Reggie?

She's beautiful.

Ah, thanks.

( chuckling )

( sniffs )

So tell me about you.

How are you doing?

Oh, great. Really great.

So are you seeing anybody?

No, not really.

Well, you're working really hard.

I bet you're putting away a lot of money.

No, not really.

But I bet you get to meet a lot of interesting people.

You did say things were great, right?

I'm gonna get a couple of Scotches.

Uh, do you want anything?

No, no, I'm good.

Yeah, of course you are.

So don't take this the wrong way,

but are you having some kind of seizure?

No, no, it's, uh--

I'm a little on edge.

I quit smoking this morning.

Ah, that explains it.

Let me guess:

you're at that stage where you'd walk

on broken glass for a cigarette.

I would walk on my tongue on broken glass for a cigarette.

I know. I quit two years ago.

Oh, it was like losing a friend.

No, no, no. Friends come and go.

Cigarettes are always there for you.

( chuckles )

Yeah.

I still miss that one with my morning coffee.

Oh, God.

Or the one after a really good workout.

Or instead of.

Oh, man, I could smoke a cigarette right now

as big as my leg.

They should make those.

I-- You know, I'm-- I'm sorry.

I can't do this. I'm gonna have to go get a pack.

No, no, don't.

Look, if I can quit, anyone can,

and I have no willpower.

I swear, I think the only thing that got me through it was sex.

( both panting )

I just remembered another cigarette I really miss.

( upbeat blues theme swells )

( upbeat blues theme playing )

Morning, Margaret. Good morning.

In case you're curious, I still haven't had a cigarette.

Damn.

How'd you make it through the weekend?

Actually, I spent a lot of time in bed.

So, what's going on around here this morning?

Um, Mr. Martinsen's in One.

Mr. Spencer's check bounced again.

The x-ray machine is broken again.

And your accountant called.

You're being audited again.

You gotta be kidding me.

Damn IRS.

I mean, what the hell do they want with--?

Smoke 'em if you got 'em.

I don't need a cigarette, Margaret.

I have something far more important.

I have willpower and I have strength of character.

Hey, Dr. Becker, I heard you say

you haven't had a cigarette in three days.

All right. High five.

Okay, my bad.

But I am so proud of you.

I mean, you're being audited.

That's exactly the kind of high-stress situation

that would normally send you running down to Reggie's

for a cigarette.

Yeah, I know.

I mean, you'd just light up,

sit back and let your problems drift away in a haze of smoke.

I know.

But those days are over.

You're a non-smoker now. Whoo-hoo.

Yeah-- Yeah, I'm-- I'm just walking on sunshine.

( upbeat blues theme playing )

Oh, good. No patients.

I'm gonna go to Reggie's and have some lunch.

It's 11:15.

Besides, you can't leave.

You have an appointment.

What? Oh, for-- For God's sake, Margaret.

Why--? Why did you schedule somebody so close to my lunch?

You know-- You know, I get hungry sometimes early.

Oh, here we go.

BECKER: What--?

I-I can't put my appetite on a time clock.

It's hunger.

Hunger has a mind of its own, you know--

And how am I supposed to be a good doctor

if I get all-- All wiggy on low blood sugar?

You know something?

I just hope that whoever you scheduled so close

to my being hungry isn't coming in for something

that's gonna take much time.

I'm here for my physical.

Mrs. Yudelson?

YUDELSON: Yeah.

Come on, I'm burning daylight here.

I know the drill: go into the room, get naked,

and put on the gown that makes my ass stick out.

( upbeat blues theme playing )

Hey, Jake, how you doing?

Can I help you?

No, I was just reaching for some Gummi Bears.

Hm.

I knew you'd cave.

I did not cave.

In fact, I just got through examining

a naked, 80-year-old woman.

A lesser man would be shooting smack by now.

Well, congratulations.

How'd you make it through the weekend?

Hi, Jake.

Hey, Amanda.

Hi.

Hi.

Didn't expect to see you here.

Or you.

Well, thanks a hell of a lot.

Jackass.

So having a good day?

Oh, Amanda, I know we were supposed to have lunch,

but I'm gonna have to catch up with you later.

There was a screw-up,

and I have to drive to Jersey to pick up my freezer motor.

Which actually is a good thing.

That gives me two chances to drive off a bridge.

Have any lunch plans?

Not really.

Well, I'm suddenly available.

Yeah, you wanna grab something?

I could go for something quick.

Hey, you know what?

I'm kind of hungry.

Wanna make it a threesome?

( upbeat blues theme playing )

Uh, Margaret, I-I want to apologize

for being a little out of control this morning.

Why are you wearing different clothes?

I, uh--

Oh, I went home to change.

And your hair's wet.

I took a shower.

In the middle of the day?

It's-- It's part of this--

This stop-smoking thing, you know?

Stay clean.

Since when? And why are you--?

Hey, what are you guys? A couple of detectives?

All right, fine, you know.

I had sex with a gorgeous ex-model,

Friday night, Saturday, Sunday, and just now.

You happy?

John, please.

Smoke. Don't smoke.

Just don't lie to us about it.

Sex with a model.

( laughing )

( upbeat blues theme swells )

( upbeat blues theme playing )

Jake.

Oh, Reg.

Got your freezer motor.

You must be very happy.

Yeah, it's like Christmas and my birthday

all rolled into one.

( door opens ) Yeah.

Hi.

Hi.

I mean, uh-- How are you doing?

AMANDA: Great.

Look, Amanda, I'm sorry about lunch,

but I am free for dinner.

Oh, sweetie, I am so sorry, but I can't.

I got a client freaking out in Miami.

I have to fly back tonight.

Tonight?

I mean, I thought, uh-- I thought, uh, you know,

it'd be nice if the two of you could have dinner together...

tonight.

Well, it was nice almost seeing you.

Oh, you too.

Listen, Reg, why don't you come back to Miami with me

for a couple of days?

You seem like you really need a break.

I'd love to, but I've got to get this motor installed.

Plus I have 5 gallons of sweaty cole slaw

that might not make it through the night.

So you see, I have exciting plans.

( chuckles )

Well, we'll see each other again soon?

I'll try. I promise.

So...

So, uh-- Well, it was--

It was very nice to meet you.

REGGIE: Oh, give me a break.

You sleep together all weekend,

and now you're gonna shake hands?

What, are you British?

Bye, John.

Bye-bye. Mm. Good luck

with the whole quitting smoking thing.

Yeah, yeah, thank you.

See you, Jake.

Hey, bye, Amanda. It was nice to meet you.

So you quit smoking, huh?

Well, you know, John, all you really did

was trade one addiction for another.

I know, I know.

I'm not proud of myself.

Well, I'm proud of you. You had model sex.

That's like ten regular girls.

( door closes )

( items clunking )

Well, good night.

Yep. See you.

( items clunking )

Are you pissed at something?

No, I'm fine.

Well, I-I feel like you're angry at me,

and I don't know what the hell I did.

I didn't say you did anything.

Well, good.

Good.

All right-- All right, I know what this is about.

You're jealous 'cause I had this thing with your friend, right?

No.

Okay, yeah.

Well, maybe.

Oh, Reg.

Uh-- Boy, this is awkward.

Listen, I didn't know you felt this way.

I-- I know I come in here a lot--

It's not about you, you dope.

I'm jealous of Amanda because her life is going great,

and mine's not.

Well, yeah, that's what I--

That's what I meant.

All right, what are you looking for here, Reg?

The everything's-gonna-be-okay speech, or--

Or do you want the truth?

This is not exactly the first time

we've had this conversation.

I mean, if you're not happy here,

do something about it.

Gee, I-I was gonna pick

the everything's-gonna-be-okay speech.

Oh, sorry.

Oh, hell, Becker,

what am I supposed to do?

I'm an ex-model who didn't finish college.

I have no options.

Well, uh, that's not true.

You-- You could, uh-- You could finish college.

Oh, right, go back to college at my age.

I'd be real popular.

I could buy the beer.

How pathetic would that be?

No, what would be pathetic is if you and I

were sitting here 10 years from now

having this same conversation.

Oh, college.

I don't know.

I'll think about it.

Well, I didn't say it would be easy, you know,

but nothing worthwhile in life ever is.

Too fortune cookie?

Kind of.

Yeah.

Well, you know what I meant.

Good night.

Hey, Becker, is it all right

if I tell you the truth about something?

Oh, do you--? Do you have to?

You know, um--

Sometimes I really appreciate

having you to talk to.

Yeah, me too.

So if there is anything I can do to help you quit smoking...

Almost anything.

Well, thank you, but I think

I'm under control now.

Night.

Good night.

( horn honking )

Oh, God, this is so much better than sex.

( upbeat blues theme swells )

( upbeat blues theme playing )