All language subtitles for American.Pie.Presents.Girls.Rules.2020.WEBRip.x264-ION10

I'm gonna miss you so much.

Well, you'll come and visit me
and, uh, I'll call.

- I love you so much.
- Oh, me, too.

Still some packing to do.

Got a big day tomorrow.

- Okay, Mom. I'm coming.
- Early start and a long drive.

Goodbye.

- Bye, Mrs. Sawyer.
- Bye.

- She hates me.
- No she doesn't.

- She doesn't.
- No, she really, really does.

But I love you. Okay?

I... I gotta go.
I'll call you when I get there.

Call me from the road.

Okay, it's a three-hour drive
to Michigan State.

We're gonna be okay.
I'll see you soon.

- Okay. Mmm-hmm.
- Promise.

You bet your ass you will.

Sittin' here
eatin' my heart out, waitin'

Waitin' for some lover to call

Dialed about a thousand numbers lately

Almost rang the phone off the wall

Lookin' for a lover who needs another

Don't want another night on my own

Wanna share my love
with a warm-blooded lover

Wanna bring a wild man back home

Oh, shit.

Gotta have some hot love
baby, this evenin'

I need some hot stuff, baby, tonight

I want some hot stuff, baby, this evenin'

Gotta have some lovin'

Gotta have some love tonight

Hot stuff

Oh, no.

Oh. Yeah, I'm bare back there. Okay.

Shit.

Oh, god damn it. God damn it.

I need hot stuff

Hello?

I want some hot stuff
That's right

Hello?

Yeah. Okay. Here we go.

Oh...

Oh, yeah.

Hot, hot, hot, hot stuff

Hot, hot, hot

Oh, shit.

Hot, hot, hot, hot stuff

Hot, hot, hot

How's about some hot stuff
baby, this evenin'?

Ooh, I need your loving

Gotta have your hot stuff tonight

Hot stuff

- Annie?
- Hi.

Oh!

Hot stuff

Oh, yes!

Oh...

Patricia! I'm dying for
a piece of that pie, hon.

- Surprise.
- What are you doin'?

You leave for college tomorrow
and I wanted to give you

a night to remember.

- Sex.
- Oh.

- I want to give you sex.
- Sure. Yeah.

- Sex with me, tonight, now.
- Yeah. Yeah, okay.

Cool. I just...

I thought you didn't want to.

Oh, of course I want to.

- I just want it to be special.
- Yeah.

- And romantic. And perfect.
- Right. Yeah.

I love you
and I wanna lose my virginity to you.

Oh, that's... That's so nice.

- That is a Christmas card.
- That's what I said.

- I'm gonna take a picture.
- My parents would love to see his face.

You wanna do the thing?

Guess what I'm wearing under my coat.

Oh, I'm so ready. I'm so ready.

Oh, my... Oh, what... Uh...

That's not what I wanted.

Wow, what a beautiful pie.

- Hi.
- Hello.

Who the hell is it?

It's me, Daddy.

- You're on a video chat. Yeah.
- It's a video chat.

What're you doing on TV?

- Maybe you need, like, a doctor?
- No. No.

- Need some ointment or something... Oh.
- Shut up.

Let's go upstairs
and see your grandson, huh?

- We made this pie for him.
- Yeah. It's really hot.

She did
such a good job.

- Where are you?
- I'm right here.

No, not you.
I'm talking to them.

We're going upstairs, Mom.

And Jason's gonna be surprised.

- Just wait.
- Just wait.

- Who's Jason?
- Jason's your grandson, honey.

What channel is this?

Hmm.

Oh! What is that?

What?

Uh-huh. Sure. Okay. Yeah.

Honey.

We have a surprise for you.

- Jason?
- Jason.

Girl's got a prophylactic
in her mouth.

Hold on, Mom. I'm not dressed.

Are you choking on the...

Jason Sawyer, open this door!

Sorry, Mom,
I got a charley horse in my leg.

Can you bring me the banana

for the potassium?

Okay.

I love you very much.

But, uh, you gotta go.

Okay. Bye.

- Jason Sawyer!
- Sorry, Mom.

That damned charley horse.

Meemaw and Peepaw saw your penis.

No. Not yet. Ow!

You're so smart and gorgeous.

- Now?
- Not yet. I'll tell you when.

Just a little higher.

- You're my princess.
- Rub softer but faster.

Smash that pussy now! Now!

I cherish you. I cherish you.

- Fuck yeah.
- Yeah.

We are the greatest couple ever.

No one has sex like we do.

I mean, I've never had sex like this,
but you're my first, so I don't know.

Hey.

I showed you that you're in my
lobster poems I wrote about you, right?

Yeah, but, like, how amazing?

Like, oh, I don't know...

Better than the other girls?

You're doing it again.

I'm not jealous. I'm just asking.

Yeah. It starts with asking
and then you spiral.

Are you filming us?

You little shit!
That is a total violation.

Not cool, Keenan.

You respect my boundaries,
you little shit!

Get back here! Give me that phone!

You will learn
about emotional intelligence.

Delete that video!
The framing isn't even good!

Again? Really?

- Kayla!
- Oops. Sorry. Love you.

Who the fuck is Monica?

I do not shrink
from this responsibility.

I welcome it.

I do not believe that any of us...

The energy, the faith, the devotion...

- Here we go.
- ...which we bring to this endeavor...

- Oh, yeah.
- ...will light our country and all...

Bring it home now.

And the glow from that fire
can truly light the world.

And so, my fellow Americans,

ask not what your country
can do for you...

...ask what you can do for your country.

You can ring my bell

Ring my bell

You can ring my bell

- Principal Shankman.
- Stephanie.

Whoo!

Been waitin' for you.

That outfit's amazing.

I'm glad you reconsidered,
decided to take me up on my offer.

- Strip, slave.
- Kinky.

- You like that?
- I like it. I like it.

- Are you excited?
- Oh, yes, Mistress.

- Handcuffs.
- Handcuffs, yeah.

- Is that a whip?
- Yes, it is.

- See, it's an app.
- Oh.

- It's for S and M freaks like you.
- I like it.

I don't really understand it but...

Yeah, 'cause you're fucking stupid.

You know, can you do
the mommy thing again?

The kids at school are gonna love that.

Wait, wait, wait a minute.
Are you filming me?

Fuck, yeah. See, I've had it with you,
Principal Shankman,

hitting on me and the other girls.
It's gross.

And I really don't want your pervy,
sexual harassing ass around

for my senior year, so...

Welcome to your retirement party.

Young lady, take the handcuffs off.

Oh, no, no, no.

See, I'm in charge now,
you creepy fuck.

Retire or this video goes viral.

So, take the weekend,
think about what you've done.

And I hope this teaches you
a very valuable lesson.

Never, ever fuck with a Stifler.

- Stephanie!
- Bye!

Stifler! Stifler!

You're in big trouble.

I'm in bigger trouble.

Are you
fucking kidding me?

You choked on a blowjob condom
and you don't even get slammed?

It's called a dental dam.

Why does no one know this?

Okay. So you use
a dental dam for safety,

but you still fell out of a window
and you did not get laid.

Yeah, I get it. I messed up.

I'm sorry if I wanted my first time

to be both safe and beautiful, okay?

- Come on.
- Sex isn't supposed to be beautiful.

It's supposed to be hot
and dirty and hungry!

I am going to do it
and it is going to be beautiful, okay.

Tough love time, Annie.
Your boyfriend's a total bro-bag.

- Yeah.
- Jason is not a bro-bag.

I didn't wanna say it,
but he is the basic of all bros.

- I'm sorry.
- Guys!

We're supposed to be having fun
and fuckin' celebrating our youth!

Senior year, bitches!

Back to school party!

Students of East Great Falls!

Welcome to the annual
Back To School Party!

And on Monday we go back to the bullshit
banality of high school life.

But today, the sun is out!

The booze is flowing!

And we're teenagers
prone to bad decisions!

Yeah!

Ah! Drink it down!

East Great Falls!

Hey, girl.

What's good, Stifler?

Brett McCormick.

At a party and still conscious.
Good for you.

You know, Stifler, I hear things.

You've got the reputation
of being the bang of the century.

Feels like I'm missing out.

You know, that's a real
panty-dropper, McCormick.

I'll tell you what.

Not today. Not tomorrow.

Not if you were the last man on Earth.

Not if I even loved
the reek of Axe body spray.

Not if I didn't already know
you have a itty-bitty little dick.

- That's not...
- No, see, I hear things, too.

So don't try to be clever.
That would just be really bad for you.

Just don't throw up anywhere
or do any nonconsensual groping.

That's your job for today.

I believe in you.

They're my feelings.

You're being ridiculous! Okay?

You hacked my phone.

Okay, so I hacked my boyfriend's phone.

Everybody does it, by the way.

Am I right, ladies? Yes, okay?

And I see some thirsty bitch
hitting on you.

For the last time,
that thirsty bitch is my cousin.

Are you telling me
people don't fuck their cousins?

Because it happens.
Their kids have tails.

And she asked if
you've been working out?

Because she's my physical therapist.

She helped me
when I blew out my knee last year.

Wait. I vaguely remember this.

Yeah, and you texted her
and you told her I have an STD!

Yeah, I wanted her
to stay away from you.

Yeah, well, she called my mom
and now my mom thinks I have syphilis.

Well, she's gonna
be so relieved

when she finds out you don't. Okay?

You know, that can lead to
madness if not treated.

Kayla!

I'm breaking up with you.

Tim. I love you.

Is this a joke?

We're in love, stupid!

Hey, sweetie. You... You okay?

Oh, that?

Yeah. We just break up
so that we can make up.

Yeah, it's just a little speed bump.

Oh! You guys wanna go get fucked up?

Let's go.

- Oh.
- Okay. Whatever you want.

That's concerning.

Tequila!

- Hey, hey!
- Hey!

Annie, what's... What's up?

I'm at this stupid party
and I was just missing you.

Oh, okay.

That's good.

That's real good.

In my mouth next time. Okay.

Whoa!

I gotta go. I'll talk to you later.

Oh, okay. Well, I love...

You.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm there.

Oh, you might wanna... Okay.

How we doin'?

My sex-starved boyfriend
is surrounded by a bunch of college thots,

and I'm the only 17-year-old
virgin in history!

You are the lucky one.

Ignorance is bliss,
my virginal friend.

It could be days before
Tim and I are back together.

None of us need a man
to have a healthy sex life.

I am learning that technology has given us
incredible innovations in self-pleasure.

And, like, whatever you're into.
External, internal,

dildos, rabbits, wands, vibrators,
remote-controlled butt plugs, anal beads,

- Ben Wa balls...
- Ben Wa balls?

Oh, yeah. I have two in right now.
It is a very specific sensation.

Ooh! Yeah.

They're amazing.

The knowledge that you have
something in your vagina

is very unsettling to me.

That is my whole point.

I would argue that you could use
some unsettling experimentation, Annie.

Do you have a toy?

We don't...

I don't do that.

Why does she hate you?

Guys, we're all lacking
something in the romance area.

But I feel like, we gotta figure
this shit out. Like, it's our senior year.

What do you mean?

- Goal-setting.
- Okay, but what goals?

Oh. For you, you need a guy
who appreciates your sense of humor

and doesn't take things so personally.

Maybe someone who's less emotional.

Yeah, like, someone, like, way less woke.

Not a guy who wants
to make sweet love.

You need a guy who wants
to fuck, you know?

Oh, my God!

- I do need someone who wants to fuck!
- There you go.

Okay, my turn, my turn. Do me.

Oh. Yeah, that's pretty simple.
You need someone smart.

Yeah, you need someone
who understands you,

who would like social consciousness,
but also like integrity.

Mmm. Yeah, like, someone a little kinky.

I like it. Okay. What about Steph?

Me? Oh, I am so good.

Oh, sweetie, sorry,
but you need some serious work.

What? Excuse me?

- What exactly do I need?
- Annie, take it.

- A nice guy.
- Mmm.

Someone who wants to be around you
and buys thoughtful presents

and asks about your day.

Okay. What about Annie?

Um, to have sex with the man I love.

Guys, these goals are totally attainable.

- But we need a deadline.
- Homecoming.

About a month away,
and it has the perfect theme.

Theme?

Your lack of school spirit
is truly disheartening.

Ladies, come on. It's a MORP dance.

"Prom" spelled backwards.

We switch all the conventions,
and most importantly,

- girls ask guys.
- Okay.

Rule one, set a goal
to fix our romantic lives.

Rule number two,
we support our fellow women.

Three, we are all
accountability partners.

And we won't let each other
get away with our usual shit.

- Okay.
- Yes. Yes.

- And rule four, deadline is homecoming.
- Mmm.

- The MORP dance.
- Mmm-hmm.

Wait, but I don't like that it's rules.

Makes it sound like a competition.

Well, everything is a competition.

It's not, though. It's a pact, so...

Ooh, a pact. Okay.

Well, ladies, please raise your glasses
to The Girls' Rules.

- Yes!
- Cheers.

We have a pact!

Call it classic
Reach out and grab it

Super massive
Pulls like a magnet

Jumping straight out the box
You got me like whoa

Well, hello
Got, got, got me like whoa

Well, hello
Got, got, got me like whoa

Well, hello

Okay, we start today.

We're getting what we want,
and if anybody doesn't like it,

they can eat a bag of dicks.

Kind of feel like we're Charlie's Angels,
but not the Drew Barrymore one.

The older one where no one wore bras.

Nice.

I'm attracted
I gotta have it

Super massive
Pulls like a magnet

Not to ruin this badass moment
of female empowerment,

but look at our choices.

You're right.
We've known these rats since elementary.

You really think
we go to school with the perfect guy

and just haven't noticed?

Oh, I think exactly that.

Look, there's over 500 guys
at East Great Falls.

The guy you might be looking for
might be right under your oyster.

Or at Michigan State.

Okay, ironically,
I think that Annie out of all of us

will probably benefit
the most from our pact.

- Yeah?
- Especially the part

- where we call on her bullshit.
- What bullshit?

Okay. You wanna lose it
to Jason the D-bag?

Here's an idea.

Get your ass down to Michigan State
and fuck his little brains out.

Seems simple, yet here you are.

That was harsh.

Yeah, rule three,
accountability partner!

Jason's busy.

I'm trying to plan a trip there,

but with his school schedule,
we barely even get time to talk.

- Yeah.
- So sad.

Oh.

Adiós, mofos.

In the meantime,
I suggest we start training.

In order to enjoy sex,
you need to know what you like, right?

What're you thinking?

I'm thinking that
we do a shopping trip.

Oh, gotta go. Gonna be late.

Whoa.

Shit. Shit. Shit.

You can ring my bell
Ring my bell...

Oh.

- Oh, my God.
- Hey.

Are you okay? That looked really painful.

Yeah, yeah, I'm good.
No, I'm great. I, um... I just...

I was late for class.
It's a little schedule blunder.

It's a pre-calc.
It should've said calc calc.

Hence, the running.

But you look lost,
and as Student Council Vice President,

it's actually my obligation to help you.

Hi. I'm Michelle.

And I'm trying really hard
to hide my growing anxiety

about being late for class.

I'm Grant. Just moved here.

Totally lost.

And amused at your growing anxiety.

But you're in luck.

I am also on the way to calculus.

I'd be more than happy
to report how you selflessly helped me,

even though it made you late.

And I'll be sure to leave out
the part about you, you know,

face-slamming a door.

Is that a Ben Wa ball?

Yeah.

- Three second rule.
- Okay.

- Should we go?
- Yeah.

A sweet treat for my sweet treat.

What're you doing?
We broke up. Remember?

We had a little squabble.

Pumpkin spice or mocha?

This is real. It's over.

You're just not my lobster.

Mind if I join you?

Look. I know this is not
in any way my business,

but I couldn't help but overhear.

Oh, God.

Yeah, it's pretty uncomfy.

But I figured it might be a less pathetic
moment if you weren't sitting alone

while your ex is still watching.

You really wanna drive him nuts?

Pass me that delicious pumpkin spice.

- Who are you?
- I'm Grant.

I'm cheering you up.

- You're trying to steal my coffee.
- That's just an added bonus.

- I'm Kayla.
- Nice to meet you, Kayla.

Mmm.

Why'd you give me the mocha one?

You think I'm just gonna
give you pumpkin spice?

This shit is seasonal
and I don't even know you.

Touché.

Yeah

Let everyone know
That the girls run the show

Who wants some? Yeah!

The lights are down low
Raise the curtain and go

It's our big night
Hey

Our big night
Ho

Who the fuck is that?

Who's the fresh meat?

Yeah, look at that snack.

Nice dick!

You spooked him. Ball!

- No way. He's too far.
- 20 bucks.

- I want some of that.
- You're on.

Go on, give me some space.

Wait for it.

- Fuck, yeah!
- Oh shit!

- I can't believe she actually made that.
- He might be dead.

- You killed the snack!
- Venmo me, motherfuckers!

Girls run this
Girls run this show

Oh, my God, I... I am so sorry.

Are you okay?

Oh, I think so.

Whoa.

- You good?
- Yeah, I think so.

Um, I'm Stephanie. Stephanie Stifler.

I'm Grant.

Uh, your hands are so soft.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

I'm looking for
the boys' lacrosse practice.

Oh.

The boys' practice is on the east field.

- Yeah, I'll walk you.
- Uh, it's... It's okay.

- Nice goal, by the way.
- It was good, right?

You will be mine.

Come on.

Oh, my God.

I am very uncomfortable right now.

Okay. Annie, let's just
take a deep breath and calm down

and realize that this is just a store.

There's nothing weird or wrong
or dirty about this place.

- You come here a lot?
- Michelle.

- Hey, Rose.
- I guess so.

The new VJ-VAX just came out.

Girl, it's great for your nipples,
your tongue,

your clitoris, any sphincter...

She's naming so many
different body part words.

Poor thing. You're still allowing yourself

- to be clit-blocked by the patriarchy.
- Mmm-hmm.

I'm so sorry.
Did I hear you say the VJ-VAX came in?

I've just heard amazing things.

They're all true.

Oh, can I get a demonstration?

- Okay. Come on.
- Oh, no.

Oh, dear God.

Welcome to
your sexual awakening.

Somewhere on this wall
lies the access point to your orgasm.

But, to pick the right toy,
I do need a little bit of information.

Are you an innie or an outie?

Am I what?

Okay.

Why don't we use
this rubber vagina as a visual aid?

- That's a return, but we cleaned it.
- Thanks, Rose.

Okay, do you like this,

- or do you like this?
- A.

I'll... I'll... I'll just pick Option A.

Well, that makes a lot of sense.

Most women orgasm
through clitoral stimulation.

- Okay.
- Actually, did you know that

75% of women never orgasm
through intercourse alone? It's a fact.

I'm sorry, ladies, could you just...

You're blocking the good stuff.

- Oh, sorry.
- Ooh!

How about this guy?

Hello. How are you?

Aw, sweet baby bird.

Let me guess. Is this your first toy?

Yes, it is her first toy.

That is such a special day
in a woman's life.

Oh, sweetheart.

I remember my first
like it was yesterday.

The Muscle Massager 5000.

Still a bestseller.

Mmm, that thing was squirt-tastic.

But nothing compares
to this gem right here.

Three vibrating stimulators,

curved tip to help you
find that elusive G-spot.

Spoiler alert, it's in the front.

There's a rabbit
for your itty-bitty clitty.

And if you pee a little bit,
don't worry, it's waterproof.

I mean, it is a beautiful time
to be alive, ladies. Am I right?

- Yeah.
- Right.

Wait. Call off the dogs.
The search is off.

I found it.

These black lacy panties are perfect.

They're discreet. They're non-invasive.

I agree. Those are perfect.

And I'm so excited for the journey
that you're about to embark on.

Godspeed, little bird. Godspeed.

Wow.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

- What? Relax.
- Relax?

That super-weird
but strangely helpful woman

just picked out
a vibrating undergarment for me.

She's not weird. She's a goddess.

And who cares?
You're never gonna see her again.

Let's go.

Oh.

- Hey, honey.
- Hey, Dad.

- Big test. Gotta study.
- You have a test already?

Wow.

Must be some kind of
accelerated school.

Oh, my God.

Hi.

Uh, I just moved in next door
and I wanted to introduce myself.

I'm Ellen and...
Oh, come here, hon. This is my son, Grant.

I made you a pie.

- Come in.
- Thank you.

Babe, I... I got...
I gotta get to class.

You don't have time to knock one out?

Are you... Are you saying
you wanna have cybersex?

Because, uh, yeah, that would...

That would... That would be dope.

I bought something for us.

So I just thought I'd make this
for you and your... Your wife.

No wife, sadly. Divorced.

- It's just me and my daughter.
- What a coincidence.

- Me, too.
- Oh.

What do ya say
we dig into this delicious pie?

Apple?

Cherry.

Mmm.

Still hot.

Oh, come on. Oh, you gotta...
You gotta show me.

You gotta show me. Please?

Please.

Okay. Just a peek.

Oh, damn it!

Ugh! Uh, my Wi-Fi sucks.

Okay, all you need to know is
that they're tiny and lacy,

and they have a remote control.

You control your panties with that?

Oh, nice. Oh, you got...
Turn it on. Mmm-hmm.

- Oh, wow.
- Oh.

It's so good.

That is so good.

Mmm.

I'm so glad that you like it.

Oh, I like it. I like it a lot.

Oh, shit.

Oh, I've never heard you cuss before.

I like it. Can you...
Can you cuss again?

Holy fuck.

Mmm.

Hmm.

So, Kevin,
how long have you been divorced?

Long time.

Such a long time.

Okay. You know, this has been great,
but I have a big test tomorrow.

- I gotta go study for it, so...
- Oh.

I bet Annie's studying
for the same test.

Whoo.

Okay. Whoa.

- Oh, shit.
- Fantastic.

You go to East Great Falls?

Actually we both do.
I'm the new principal.

Huh.

No way.

You know what?

Annie loves a surprise.
We should go up and say hi to her.

Holy fuck.

Whoo!

Oh, shit.

Oh, I'm gonna pop.

Hey, honey, you busy?

No! Hey!

- Just... Just chillin'.
- Well, great.

Because I want to
introduce you to your new principal.

This is Miss Fisher.

- Huh.
- Hi.

I'm gonna pop!

Oh, I'm popping! I'm popping!

- Oh, I'm gonna pop.
- It's been giving me trouble all day.

Just noises coming out of there.

You know, funny story.
Annie and I have actually already met.

- At the library.
- Oh, yeah.

I was checking out Moby Dick
and she had a cute little romance novel.

How is that going for you?

It's so good.

- Good to hear.
- Yeah.

You know, I wanna introduce you
to my son, Grant.

Isn't he handsome?

Nice to meet you.

- Oh...
- I'm Grant. Nice to meet you, too.

You guys hear that?
It's like a hum...

Mmm...

No, I'm not... I don't...
I don't hear anything.

Annie. You okay?

- Oh, I'm...
- You know what I think would be good?

I think it would be great
if we went downstairs

- and got Annie a hot piece of pie.
- Oh!

Oh, God, yes!

Great. You know, sometimes a girl
just needs something simple.

Am I right, honey?

Here, why don't you give me a tour?
Let's start with your bedroom.

- It's very high tech.
- Mmm.

- Nice to meet you, Annie.
- Mmm-hmm.

Yeah.

This year's
Homecoming theme is so exciting.

So come as you dream,
because we are having a Pajama Party...

MORP! Whoop whoop!

That's "prom" spelled backwards.

Uh, instead of tuxedos and gowns,
put on your PJs and onesies!

That's crazy!

Now, I have the super
important responsibility

of introducing our new leader,

Principal Ellen Fisher.

Aw, thanks, Emmett.

Hello.

I bet you're pretty surprised
to see me here in this position.

- Well, guess what?
- Holy shit.

I'm surprised, too.

It is her. You're right.

I told you.

You said I'd never see her again.

But I did.

An hour later, in my bedroom,

when I was using
a recently-purchased item.

Ew, God. Private conversation.

A strong, accomplished woman
who's very comfortable with her sexuality?

She's, like, the perfect role model.

It seems that Principal Shankman
retired, rather abruptly.

But I know
we all wish him very, very well.

So you guys, have a great day.

Go, Trademakers!

- Uh, trailblazers.
- Trailblazers. I know.

Go, Trailblazers!

Hey, you.

Hi. Kayla, right?

I got your favorite.

Wow! Thank you. Mmm.

It really does taste like fall.

Oh, it so does.

- You're so funny.
- Uh...

I'm just gonna head to class.

Thank you, again, very much.

Mmm.

Hey. Who's that guy?

Who is, uh... Oh!

That guy. That's Grant.

My friend.

My special friend.

We just broke up three days ago.

Tim, are you jealous?

That is so cute.

You know, if you ever wanted me
to drop by...

Uh...

We're not getting back together.

Oh.

Back together?
Who wants that?

No, I'm just talking
about a little ex sex.

Ex sex?

How many times
did we sneak off during lunch

and go do it at your place?

What's a few more?

Oh, I mean,
if you don't want to, I, you know...

I think I have plans
with Grant anyway. So...

Uh, lunchtime.

My place.

So, you guys
getting back together?

That's how a bad bitch does it.

She was holding my spot. Yeah.

Hi.

Remember me?

- No.
- Sure you do.

Yesterday, your room,
you were pleasuring yourself.

Gross, don't say it like that.

Well, how should I say it?

Just don't say it.

Ever. To anyone.

Okay. I won't.
'Cause it's nobody's business.

- Fries, please.
- Right.

You know what, to tell you the truth,
though, I found the whole thing kind of...

I don't know, endearing.

I have a boyfriend.

No, I know. I didn't get to meet him,
but he sounded really nice.

- Eggplant taco?
- Yeah. Please. Thank you.

Look, just because you barged into my room
while I was having a private moment

with the love of my life,
doesn't mean you know me.

I'm sorry.

The "I'm about to pop, I'm popping" guy,
that's the love of your life?

I am in a mature,
committed relationship

and if I told Jason
the things you are saying...

Oh, you wouldn't be too happy, pal.

Okay. Got it. Pal.

Look, I wish you and your Internet lover
a lifetime of happiness.

Enjoy your lunch.

Thank you.

You're good at talking to boys.

How do you start?
I'm having trouble with my opening.

Well, the damsel-in-distress shit
usually works like a charm.

Well, I am not doing that.

Girl, it's amazing how dumb men can get

when they think
we actually need them, so...

Emmett, what up, man?

Hello, sexy.

Okay, why is my wet dream
hugging Emmett?

Wait.

You don't actually like Grant, right?

I mean, he's not your type.

What could you two
possibly have in common?

Undeniable animal magnetism, baby.

Um, I have to go to, uh...
I have a library...

I need to go to the... I have a book.

I gotta... Bye. I'll see you later.

- See ya.
- Text me.

Mmm-hmm.
Damsel in distress.

Damsel in distress. Damsel in distress.

That way.

Oh, shit!

Whoa!

Ah...

You, again.

You okay?

Yeah.

Whoa.

- Hi.
- Hi.

I'm just so fragile and delicate.

Okay.

Wow.

Your neck is very muscly.

- Thank you.
- Mmm-hmm.

I think maybe we should
get you some medical attention.

- Okay.
- Okay.

Mind if I join you?

Hey.

What? Uh, no. Why?

Oh, come on.
We don't even talk anymore.

Yeah. Not since fifth grade,

when you told everyone
I wet my pants at recess.

But you did.

No, it was a malfunctioning
water fountain.

Oh, right. Okay.

Look, I'm reading, all right?

And I know this isn't a practice
you're familiar with,

but it's a nonverbal cue

which says I'm enjoying some
solitary time, so, maybe don't bother me.

Okay, well I kind of feel bad about
the whole wetting-the-pants thing, now.

Yeah, you should.

Hey, the guy you were talking to, Grant.

You guys friends?

Uh, we've only been roommates at band camp
the last seven summers,

so, uh, yeah.

- Yeah, we're friends.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa. Grant's in band?

No shit.

Yeah. He's an incredibly
talented saxophone player.

- Boring.
- No.

Sax is the sexiest wind instrument.
So it's not boring.

Okay. What are his hobbies?
What's he like?

Okay, you haven't
spoken to me in like nine years,

so why don't you
go ask Grant these questions?

Okay, look, Emmett,
I'm kinda turning over a new leaf.

I'm looking to date
a different type, someone nice.

And anyway, my charms of seduction
don't seem to be working on him,

so I was thinking that,
I don't know, you'd help me out.

You want me to help trick
my good friend Grant into liking you?

Yeah, that's pretty much it.

Hmm.

Just so he can be another notch
on your lipstick case?

Okay, news flash.
I don't have a lipstick case.

And neither does anyone
under the age of 80, so...

Look, dude, are you gonna
help me or what?

Well, I foresee
a couple of problems.

What?

Well, Grant, he's got this
whole good taste thing.

Yeah, and then...
And then there's my integrity.

I'm reluctant to help trick
my friend into a romance with a dementor.

What's that?

Dark creatures that
consume human happiness.

It's from Harry Potter.

Wow, you are such a fucking nerd.

Look, I'll give you 20 bucks.

How dare you?
You know, this guy's a friend.

It's $100 minimum.

Better be worth it.

Hey, I think we need a nurse.

Injured student. Code Blue!

Huh?

No...

No, no, no. No Code Blue.
I'm fine. Really, I'm fine.

Grant, what happened? Are you okay?

I've got this, Principal Fisher.

Grant, put her in this chair, all right?
I'll get her to the nurse.

- Here we go. You're good.
- No, no, no. I...

- Hey, take good care of her.
- Good work.

- But, uh...
- Oh, my God,

your hair smells so beautiful.

Seriously, it's fine.
You don't have to push me.

No, no, no, we're not taking
any chances here, all right?

Not with the Academic
Decathlon captain.

We need you this weekend
against Parkway High.

- You watch the Academic Decathlon?
- Of course.

Are you the guy that's always
holding up signs and cheering?

Yeah. Yeah, that's me. Oliver.

Ollie, if you're nasty.

Okay, I'm gonna ignore
that last part.

Listen, Principal Fisher
and her son, are they close?

Yeah. Yeah. Real modern family.

Single mom, only child.

And you're her student aide.

Do you need any help in the office?

Yes!

Great.

Wow.

- That was...
- Yum.

- That was, um... Different.
- Oh.

- Um...
- I like.

Yeah.

Yeah, something about
the, uh, impulsive nature of our meeting

made me feel a little wild.
Didn't it?

Oh, yeah.

Casual hookups, no strings, no emotions.

I am so good.

Whoo. I'm gonna head out.

Wait. You don't have to go yet.

Oh, no. Super fun frolic.
Bang ya later. Maybe not. Who knows?

Gotta go back to school.

Oh, so you just happened to be
in the library during your free period?

- Well, that's one way to say hello.
- Sorry.

Hi, Grant. I'm afraid
now is not a good time

to inappropriately flirt with me,

not only because I have a boyfriend,

but also because my fascist French teacher
also decided he likes daily pop quizzes.

So I guess I'll be spending
my free periods learning French.

Damn. You're really feeling yourself, huh?

I'm just sitting here,
minding my business.

Oh, so you're not gonna flirt with me?

I mean, I'm not, now.

Took all the fun out of it.

All right, wait.

I get it. Okay. You have a boyfriend.

I'm sorry.

It's just fun seeing you
get all flustered and worked up.

You know, I actually speak French.

I'd be more than happy
to help you prep for the quizzes.

Just friends. Study buddies.

All right, no funny business.

Truth is, I'm kind of lonely.

I mean, I don't know anyone
at this school.

You'd be doing me a favor, seriously.

You really speak French?

Oui, oui.

Fine.

Just study buddies.

Of course.

A goddess on a mountain top

Was burning like a silver flame

The summit of beauty and love

And Venus was her name

She's got it

Yeah, baby, she's got it

I'm your Venus

I'm your fire
At your desire

Well, I'm your Venus

I'm your fire
At your desire

Her weapons were her crystal eyes

Making every man mad

Black as the dark night she was

Got what no one else has

She's got it

Yeah, baby, she's got it

I'm your Venus

I'm your fire
At your desire

Well, I'm your Venus

I'm your fire
At your desire

Yeah, baby, she's got it

Yeah, baby, she's got it

She's got it

This whole walk home I've been putting off
asking you to my mom's party.

You know, teachers, old people,

total rager.

And it's Saturday afternoon,
as if it's for a child, so, even better.

Uh, as fun as that sounds, I...

See, that excitement level was exactly why
I put this off until the end of our walk.

But lucky for me, your dad's totally
gonna make you go, anyway.

Yeah, I think him and my mom,
like, have something going on.

Ew.
Anyways, see you at the party.

Wait. What?

You're welcome.

Ew.

I was all caught up for a while

I've dug up great stuff on Grant,
so just, uh, wait here,

and don't steal anything. Okay?

Great.

Too bad I was acting like a child

I'd rather act like the woman I am

- What the shit is this?
- Wow.

Your grasp of the English language
continues to astound.

Uh, wow. Well, uh, I guess I don't
redecorate as much as I should.

Oh, hardy-fuckin'-har.

You have a picture of me. Framed.

I know you probably didn't notice this,
but I'm in the picture as well.

God, we were like nine.

Dude, why do you even have this?

I like it. Okay?

Look at these kids, all right?
They're friends.

No one's judging.

No one has their feelings hurt.

So I keep this around.

You got a problem with that?

No.

Now, if you're ready
to set your psychological sex trap,

I've got a decade of backstory.

I can't express how much
I don't wanna go inside.

Okay, you know what?
It's time that you understand

what you want doesn't really matter.

Take me, for example.

I wake up every morning
and I drag myself to a job that I hate.

Ah, life lesson. Neat.

The point is...

I'm gonna be fine as long as
you don't cock-block me tonight.

Comprende?

Ew!

- Daddy! Gross. Yes.
- Gross!

Get in there and be social.

Oh, yeah.

It's on like Donkey Kong.

- Donkey what?
- See ya later.

Party in the house!

- Oh, yes.
- Oh, what are you doing here?

- No way.
- What up, bitches?

- What?
- Is this a wake or what?

I'm super confused.
Why are you all here right now?

Hey, Annie.

- Ladies.
- Hey.

Thank you for all coming
to my mom's lame party.

Wait. I didn't know
you guys all knew Grant that well.

Yeah, I only bought him, like,
three pumpkin spice lattes this week.

Right?

Well, he, um, carried me to safety
when I broke my leg.

- When did you... Which one?
- Break your... Yeah.

It's much better now.
Stephanie, what are you doing here?

- I came with Emmett.
- Who?

That kid. Yeah.

So, he's Grant's best friend
and I'm friends with Emmett,

so it's kind of like
Grant and I are besties.

- Right?
- Is it?

Sure.

Oh, and where's your boyfriend, Kayla?

I told you, Stephanie,

- we broke up.
- Mmm.

You keep on saying
how nonstop the sex has been, right?

- Yeah.
- It's been like dirty

and hungry, you know what I mean?

Okay, uh, let's have a little...

Can we have a little girls',
like, powwow, just outside?

No, I'm fine.

Okay, so apparently
you've all chosen Grant for the pact?

Yeah, he's smart and articulate.

Yeah, nice guy.

- I mean, he hasn't hit on me once.
- Hmm.

Have we considered
if that's because he's just not into you?

Screw you.

Rule number three,
I'm calling you on your bullshit.

Making Tim jealous is not your goal.

And as your accountability
partner, I'm just reminding you,

- neither is kissing up to Grant's mom.
- Oh.

Rule number two, we are best friends.

We should support each other.

We shouldn't let some boy
come between us.

Us?

I meant between you.

Right. 'Cause Emmett and I have seen you
having little French lessons with Grant.

Uh-huh. We've been studying.

"Studying."

I have a boyfriend.

God, yes, Annie, we get it. Thank you!

Hey!

Everything cool?

You know,
we should just table this. Okay?

- But...
- Tabled!

Uh...

Stifler.

It doesn't seem like he's that into her.

Hmm. I thought you didn't care.

I'm just making an observation.

Right.

You two, guard the stairs.

I'm gonna do some recon.

What does that mean?

You know, check out his room,
scope it out, smell his underwear.

- I don't know. Bing-bang-boom.
- What?

That's kind of an invasion
of his privacy.

- It is?
- Hmm?

- Oh, my God, his privacy!
- Yeah.

- Just guard the stairs, nerds.
- Okay.

Oh, boy.

You know, I think I'm gonna
do some recon work of my own.

- Okay. Bye.
- Bye.

So, I do have some goodies,
but not enough to go around.

- Oh, I don't care if anybody...
- Hey, Annie's dad!

Principal Fisher.
I just wanted to tell you

that I am so excited to have
a strong female role model to look up to.

- I was thinking maybe you and I could...
- Aw! Oliver!

Hmm.

- Uh, uh...
- Hi. Principal Fisher

doesn't wanna talk to you anymore,
but I would love to.

- Do you wanna hear my JFK?
- Who are you?

Something's been
missing out of my life.

You know, like a void
that needs to be filled, even.

- Ow!
- Oh, sorry.

Okay, look,
I sense some resistance

and I really don't know
what the problem is,

so if you could just, like,
clear that up for me, that'd be great.

Okay.

Uh, well, for one, you hit me in the head
with a lacrosse ball, so...

Dude, it was an accident.

- Was it?
- Yeah.

Mmm... I mean, I saw the Venmo.

You got paid 20 bucks
for knocking out the new hot guy.

Well, have you seen yourself?

I forgot something in my room.

- I'll be back.
- All right.

- Nice ass.
- Yeah, thank you.

Oh, shit.

What the...

Oh.

Grant!

Hi.

Hey, you're, uh...

You're missing the party.

Yeah, I'm, uh, kinda hiding, actually.

That girl Stephanie is so extra
and kind of terrifying.

Oh.

Uh, for your information,
guys are obsessed with her

and she also happens to be
a really great person.

So, um...

I didn't mean anything by it.

She's really nice. Just not my type.

You are.

Uh...

I'm sorry. I know you have a boyfriend,

and I'm not supposed to
say or feel anything,

and I don't wanna ruin
the only friendship I have.

No.

No?

Oh, hi.

Breaking news, bitches!

Oh, shit.

Whoa!

Oh, shit.

Wow. It is like Donkey Kong.

I'm okay.

Ow.

Okay, what the hell was that?

Let me answer that question
with another question.

What the hell is this?

Annie!

You said that you weren't
even interested in Grant.

First of all, shh.
Second of all, delete that.

- I... I didn't do anything.
- "I didn't do..."

You were practically eating his face.

- That's dramatic.
- What'd it taste like?

Guys! I am sticky and embarrassed

and I just got rejected by a man
for the first time in my life.

- Oh, boo-hoo!
- Go cry me a river.

Let's just call it a day.

- Cool?
- Fine.

Fine. I don't even care!

Hey, Annie. Can we talk real quick?

- Uh, nothing to talk about.
- Really?

How about the girl doing a photo shoot
in my lacrosse uniform

or I don't know,
how we kissed and you hit me?

We did not kiss.

You kissed me.

Unannounced. Without permission.

Come on. You gave me permission
with your face.

You gave me kiss face.
It was... It was like...

- Oh, my face did not do that.
- Yeah.

- Yes, it did.
- It did not.

- That's exactly what it did.
- I'm... I'm just gonna go home.

- Okay.
- So it was good seeing you.

- You live that way.
- I live that way.

- Yup.
- I knew that.

Bonjour.

No, no, no.

No, no, no.

You don't like Grant.

You love Jason.

Nope. Nope, nope, nope.

Uh, biology is this way.

I'm going to see Jason.

This waiting around is making me crazy.

Wait. Are you cutting class?
You never cut class.

Some things are more important.
He's only three hours away.

I can get there, bang it out,
get my head straight,

be back before dinner.

- Annie, are you talking about...
- Sex!

I'm going to have sex
with the man that I love.

Yo, girl, go get you some!

No glove, no love!

Okay! I'm so excited for you.

Let me get this straight.

You went from Tim's girlfriend
to his side piece.

And you're happy with that?
Isn't that kind of like a demotion?

No, you don't get it. It's casual.

Girl, I invented casual.

That's not what you're doing.

What you're doing is
pretending it's casual

so you can still fuck the guy you like.

- Oh, my God.
- There ya go.

I do still like him.

Our casual, no-strings-attached sex
is neither casual nor without strings!

- There are feelings!
- Does Tim know that?

No. No, he does not, but he will.

He's gonna know right now.

- Okay.
- Kayla?

- She okay?
- Who knows?

Well, get this.
Annie just left school to go see Jason.

No shit! Good for her.

- You know what this means, though?
- What?

Annie wins.

She does. After she does the deed,
she's fulfilled her goal.

Kayla is still obsessed with Tim.

I'm absolutely nowhere.

And Grant seems to be the only guy
in school who doesn't lust after you.

It's not over yet.

Oh, come on, Steph.

The MORP is in a week.

Champions are made in the last quarter.

Game just got interesting.

Hey. Hey. Glad you came.

- Um, I need to talk to you.
- Okay.

Why are we in the library?

Nobody ever comes back here.

Dangerous...

Sexy, huh?

Oh, you hate it.

God, I'm sorry.

It was such a stupid idea.

Look, I respect you
and I just want you to know

that this is always a safe space.

All right, pants off, make it quick.

I'm sure that will not be a problem. Oh!

Principal Fisher? Oh.

Sorry. I can come back.

No, that's okay.

Well, it's kind of a weird situation.

- See, I made this pact...
- No, no, no.

Sorry.

Um...

I made this pact with my friends

that I would try and date somebody
who I'm really proud of

and who really gets me,

but I feel like in doing so,
I've kind of lost sight of myself.

I mean, I thought that Grant
was the guy that I wanted

because he's smart
and he's cute and he's socially conscious.

- Great job on that, by the way.
- Thanks.

But I don't even know who I've become.

Like, I'm pretending to be weak
and helpless to manipulate a man?

What would Ruth Bader Ginsburg say?

I mean, I don't need a man
to complete me.

I'm a strong, smart,
independent woman. Right?

Michelle, there is nothing wrong
with wanting to be in a relationship.

Everybody deserves a little romance.

But I do think
you're barking up the wrong tree.

I mean, if Grant were
the right guy for you,

you wouldn't have to be
anything but yourself.

It does, however,
make me think of another young man,

a young man who happened
to score 1,590 on his SAT,

a young man who volunteers
every single weekend.

You're describing my ideal mate.

He is obsessed with presidential history.

Are you shitting me, Principal Fisher?

I shit you not, Michelle.
Watch your language.

His name is Oliver Hawthorn,
and you work with him every single day,

and he clearly has
an obvious crush on you.

Now get out, I'm very busy.

Right. Okay.

- Bye-bye.
- Thank you.

Oh, well, I mean, what can you expect?

She's been through a lot.

So, um, I hear you're into presidents.

Uh, just Kennedy.

"My fellow Americans,
ask not what your country can do for you.

"Ask what you can do for your country."

It's not
a very good impression,

but I mean, I'm trying to perfect it.

- Um, I... I actually have to go.
- Okay.

- Right now.
- Oh.

Bye.

Oh, man.

Since we broke up,
the sex just keeps getting better, right?

Hey, what's up? You okay?

What are the odds, uh,
this isn't just meaningless sex to you?

What are the odds, um,
that you're actually in love with me,

but you're just afraid
of your feelings

and, um, deep in your heart
you wanna stay with me?

That's what I thought.

Um, I can't do this casual thing.

Not with you.

I just want more.

I deserve more.

Bye, Tim.

Hey, Jason, it's me.

I can't really talk right now,
and I know you're in class anyway,

but I have a surprise for you.

So, call me back
when you get this, okay?

I love you. Bye.

Don't let this slip away

Maybe this road leads to Rome

But, baby, you make me feel at home

Together we're unstoppable
It's undeniable

Let's go, go, go, go

Let's go all the way tonight

Take me all the way tonight

Baby, we can make this last

Nothing's gonna hold us back

Let's take it all the way tonight

Leave it up to fate tonight

Thanks, buddy.

So let's go all the way tonight

Up top, baby. Hit me! One more.

Let's take it all the way tonight

Leave it up to fate tonight

So let's go all the way tonight

Let's go all the way tonight, tonight

I'm gonna pop.
I'm gonna pop. I'm gonna pop.

Oh, I'm popping!

Oh.

Um, Annie.

Are you kidding me?

Uh...

It's not what it looks like.

- It's not?
- No.

Um, she's my math tutor.

Was she tutoring you right now?

- I'm sorry.
- Oh, my God!

- Just calm down.
- Calm down?

You think telling me to calm down
is gonna make me calm down?

Well, you're acting a little hysterical.

Am I? Am I a little bit hysterical?

That really hurt bad!

Wait here.

Annie. Annie.

Annie, honey. Honey. Honey.

Sorry. Annie, um,
talk to you one second?

- What?
- Please.

What do you wanna say?

I don't know.
Long distance relationships are rough.

Oh, is that right?

Yeah, I mean,
there's so many hot chicks here.

You're hot too, obviously.
Of course.

It's just, you know,
you're not college-hot.

Your brain is hot.

Jason, I'm breaking up with you.

I only came here because I felt guilty.

I like someone else.

He kissed me and I liked it,
and it freaked me out.

Okay.

So, I thought if I came here,
if I saw you,

if we made love, then my feelings for you
would come rushing back.

When I saw you with her,

after the anger, you know what I felt?

I felt relief.

Some dude kissed you?

What?

You're just really not
who I wanted you to be.

Wow, that was... That was rough.

Nice towel, douchebag.

Oh.

Oh.

Annie, have you been crying?

Oh, honey.

Oh, I think I know what this is.

Annie, don't worry.

Ellen's not trying to become
your new mommy.

- Oh, my God.
- Honey, that's not why she's upset.

Clearly, she's mortified 'cause she just
walked in on us about to have sex.

Yeah. Yeah. What she said.

Oh. No, this is...
This is just a casual thing.

I think the kids call it F-buddies.

On that note, okay.

Oh, God. Oh, God.

Annie? Can I come in.

Okay.

Annie, did, um...
Did what you see downstairs upset you?

Oh, no, it makes perfect sense.

Everyone's having sex but me.

Sex?

I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to say it.

I broke up with Jason.

Oh.

Oh, honey, I'm so sorry.

I'm not.

Oh, babe.

You are the most
incredible person I know.

You're so smart, you're so funny.

You are so beautiful.

I don't need a pep talk, Dad.

That Jason never deserved you.

And I never liked the guy, so there!

Wait. Really?

No. He was a total brobag.

Mmm.

I love you, Dad.

I love you too, babe.

- Grant. Hey-hey.
- Hey.

So, I'm having a little gathering
at my place tonight,

if you wanna come.

Cool. Have you seen Annie, by chance?

Oh.

Oh, well, she went to go
visit her boyfriend at college yesterday.

Yeah, they're probably
still banging it out.

But back to my thing.

So, my favorite saxophone
player, Vladimir Ullich, he's amazing...

- Are... Are you being serious?
- What?

Vladimir Ullich is, like,
my favorite musician of all time.

- Is it really?
- Yeah.

What... What are the odds
of that happening?

- Not high.
- Well, you should stop by then.

It's, like, a listening party.
Like, we'll play it all night.

I mean, I'm quirky, so...

You know what? Cool.

- Oh, great.
- Great.

- Great. I'll see you there.
- All right

Baby, she's drop dead gorgeous

Drop dead

Oh. My bad. I'll see you.

- Okay.
- Okay. Bye.

Baby, she's drop dead gorgeous

Drop dead

Freeze!

I got eyes on Annie.

Quad, stat.

- Well, well, well, look who it is.
- What's this?

- Well, well, well, look...
- I already did that.

- Damn it.
- Annie!

You disappear, lose your virginity,
no call, no text?

Like, you ghosted us.

Sorry. I've just been dead.

Because of all the sex?

Girl, this is a big-ass moment for you.

Shit!

Okay, we'll talk tonight? But you all
are coming to my party tonight, right?

- Yeah, duh.
- Okay. Great.

And since Annie has had
sweet Freeform TV sex,

I'll swoop in and seduce
the lovely Grant.

- Yes! What's up! Whoo!
- Yeah!

- Mama had sex!
- She ain't a virgin!

We make the beat go
boom, boom, boom

Boom, boom, boom

I like the sound it makes
Boom, boom, boom

You do this kind of thing
every weekend?

Stifler's parties are the bedrock
on which East Great Falls was built.

And tonight, we're using the party gods
to seduce the new guy.

Wow. You need to sacrifice
a virgin or something?

No, don't worry, you're safe.

Okay, so we thought of everything, right?

- Grant's favorite music, snacks, drinks?
- Yeah.

I mean, I'm even wearing
his favorite color.

- You look beautiful.
- Thanks.

- He's a lucky guy.
- I know.

Oh.

Here you go.

What... What's this?

Wait, I pay you
and you buy me something?

That's fucking stupid.

- The usual response is, "Thank you."
- Mmm.

It's a lipstick case.

On, uh...
On which to make notches.

It's a present, a thoughtful one.

- I also wrapped it.
- Yeah, and you...

- And you wrapped it. Uh...
- Whoo!

Well, my girls are here
so I should... I should go.

- Sure.
- Yeah.

Hey, hey. Uh...

Good luck with Grant.

Emmett, thank you. For everything.

And my present. I love it.

What up, bitches!

Welcome to Bang-Grant Palooza!

- Ow.
- Hi, boo-boo, how are you?

Hey, you know, being a good winner

is just as important
as being a good loser, Steph.

- Oh, you're throwing shade?
- Way to read a room.

Guys, when did this
turn into a competition?

This was never supposed to be
about us competing for a boy.

Yeah, this was supposed
to make me feel better.

I don't feel better.

Now you're gonna smash Grant
when he really likes Annie.

- What?
- Uh, yeah.

When I was in his room,

he told her he liked her
and then he kissed her.

Okay, well you made it
sound like it was the other way around.

I can be a little extra sometimes.

Yeah, no shit!

- Hey, Emmett!
- What's up, man?

I mean, he's cute,
but he's not worth this.

- I'm out, guys.
- Ladies, hey.

- Look who I found.
- Hey.

Oh. Uh...

What do you think of Annie?

She's great.

I mean, she's cool, smart, kind, funny.

Awkward, but in a really
entertaining way.

- Is she here?
- Oh. No, no, no, but she will be. Right?

Uh, can you guys just,
like, talk for a sec?

I know. I know.

Oh, my God!

- You are tightly wound. Wow.
- Oh, my God.

I'm sorry.

- I didn't mean to scare you.
- That's okay. That's okay.

Your father and I
just worked up a real appetite tonight,

so I'm having a little ice cream.
You want some?

Um...

Sorry.

Um...

Yeah, you know what,
I'll have some ice cream.

Great.

She's not answering.

Well, go get her
and drag her ass here. Okay?

- Okay.
- Come with me.

Ready for some sexy saxophone?

- She's back.
- Let's go.

Hey! I need to talk to you.

Tim, I cannot do this right now.

We have to go get...

Kayla, please.

It's cool. I got this.

Good luck.

I thought there was a party tonight.

- Not in the mood.
- Hmm.

Can I talk to you about something?

Should I be afraid of
what you're about to say?

I can never tell. I just let it fly.

Here's the thing.
I've noticed that you've been upset

and my son has also been upset.

And I wonder if you're both upset
about the same thing.

- What can I help you with?
- Call Annie.

Here's what I found on the web for Fannie.

No, call Annie!

Calling Manny's Pizza.

- No! Annie!
- Wait, wait, wait, wait!

Gonna feel that tomorrow.

- Hello. Manny's Pizza.
- Oh, my God!

- Hello!
- Oliver?

- Oh, my God, please be okay.
- Hi.

What are you doing in front of my car?

I'm trying to stop you from leaving.

I mean, you're the only reason I came.

Oh, my God, that's actually really sweet.

- Um, I have to go get my friend now...
- Do you mind if I come with?

I mean, you did just
run me over with your car.

Uh...

Okay, cool. Yeah, come on, come on.

Oh, shit.

I don't like the way
you left the other day.

Tough shit!

Okay, I've got feelings and emotions.

I'm a little jealous
and a bit of a handful.

But if you can't take me
at my making-a-scene-at-a-party-ness,

then you don't deserve me
at my fucking-you-in-the-library-ness.

You're right.

Everything you said.

Truth is, I don't want you
violating my trust.

But I do want you.

You're my lobster.

- Holy shit.
- That's right.

- "You're my lobster!"
- Yeah.

- I didn't think you were gonna say that.
- Oh, yeah, Kayla!

High school is the worst.

It is. And you think
that it's never gonna end, but it does.

And when it does,
time starts to move a lot faster.

So when you know what you want,
you should go after it.

'Cause you might not get another chance.

Annie, get dressed. Grant is looking...

- Oh, Principal Fisher's here!
- In a bathrobe.

- Hi.
- Michelle, Oliver, is everything okay?

Oh. Yeah, I just didn't wanna
leave him in the car.

I have got a knee issue,

but it's not as important as love.

Um, Annie, Grant's at the party
and he's looking for you.

The whole pact is off.
We all know that he likes you.

- He does?
- Yeah, Annie, he does.

This is an incredible moment
and everything,

but Oliver is actually
much heavier than he looks.

I'm wiry but muscular.

- It's a family trait.
- Yeah.

Uh...

Sorry, yeah, go wait in the car.
I guess I'll change and be right out.

I am so excited for you for tonight.

Now don't you be afraid to go after Grant
just because of me and your father.

We're not gonna
make you guys step-siblings.

We both know this thing has a shelf life.

Besides, he took
his last Viagra this morning.

I'm gonna go pretend I didn't hear that,
and I'll be right out, so...

Okay.

This is... This is so good,

and this is...

Wow, but, um you know,

uh, we have to actually
deal with some party stuff. Right? Yeah.

And so if you just wanna
stay there and just really soak it all in.

Let's just go, okay? Let's just...

- Okay.
- Stay?

Okay. We keep Grant occupied with
his old man music until Annie gets here

and then boom,
big romantic moment. Got it? Great.

Hey, wait, wait.
I thought you liked Grant, so...

I just kind of liked the idea of him.

Look, Annie's my best friend,
and if she wants him, she gets him.

So maybe dating a nice guy

just isn't in the cards
for Stephanie Stifler.

Look, a queen bee walking around
like she owns the place.

Ooh, burn. Except I do own the place,
you fucking idiot.

Is this your stud for the night, Stifler?

I didn't think your standards
could fall any lower.

Well, I haven't slept with you yet,
so I got that going for me.

Yeah, whatever you wanna tell people.

McCormick, are you telling people
we hooked up?

I never said I don't kiss and tell.

- Fuck you.
- No, no.

Hey. You're being rude.

- Emmett, don't...
- No, no, no, it's okay.

You have five seconds to
apologize or I unleash hell.

Five!

Emmett!

- Wow. He, uh, hit me with his face.
- What the hell?

Grant, can you just watch him
for a sec? Thanks.

Hey, asshole!

I don't like bullies,

and I don't like misogynistic douchebags
drinking my liquor

and disrespecting me
in my own house.

I don't like you, McCormick!

Yes, bitch!

But you know who I do like?

Ow.

Hey.

You kissed me.

You stood up for me.

I mean, you were my wingman

even though you liked me
more than a wingman.

And you bought me a present.

I think I just won.

You Grant?

Do I know you?

Oh, no.

What is he doing here?

Yeah, man,
so there you have it.

Now you kind of know the people
you're dealing with.

What the hell are you doing?

Oh. Uh...

I just thought your new boyfriend
should know the truth.

Annie, did you and your friends
make a bet about me?

It wasn't a bet.

- It was a pact.
- Oh, bullshit.

Okay, all of these little bitches

competed to see who could
have sex with you first.

Annie texted me about it every night.

- It's not what it sounds like.
- Really?

We made a pact to go after
what each of us were missing,

and without knowing it,
we all kind of decided it was you.

And what was your thing, your pact?

For my first time
to be with a man I love.

- So that's why you went to see him.
- Yeah.

She's only talking to you
because she caught me with another girl.

You're just the fallback guy.

But, lucky for you,
I'm not into high school drama,

so you want her, you can have her.

- You know what?
- Whoa.

Annie's not yours to give.

And you say one more
disparaging word about her,

this high school kid
is gonna kick your ass.

Just speaking my truth, bro.

If she liked you
as much as you thought she did,

would she be driving three hours
to have sex with me?

No. You're just a piece of meat.

Whoa! Hello!

- My uncle's an attorney. He almost hit me.
- Shut up.

No. Back. Break it up.

I hope you guys are really happy.

Look, Grant, we get that you're pissed...

No, don't...
You paid Emmett to get dirt on me.

Whoa. Uh...

Don't.

You know, every person
I liked in this town lied to me.

And the person I liked the most

- chose this guy.
- Grant.

- Enjoy the party.
- Please don't leave. Grant.

Why didn't you just tell us
what happened with Jason?

Yeah.

I didn't know how to.

You guys were all
so interested in Grant.

I didn't wanna mess it up for you.

Oh, my God. You should've just told us.

Yeah, that's all
we would've needed, Annie.

Yeah.

I mean, you know,
this is my fault for pushing the pact.

No.

No, Steph. The pact worked.

I mean, you found Emmett,
who's a nice guy.

- He is.
- Mmm-hmm.

And Kayla got Tim to compromise.

Oh, my God. You're right.

And, Michelle, are you as attracted
to Oliver's mind as you are to his body?

Oh, he turns me on in ways
that I can't even describe.

See? It worked.

Yeah, for everyone but you.

No, it worked for me, too.

I went to Michigan State
with this image in my head,

and it all fell apart
because he was the wrong guy.

And that's big, so I'm glad we did it.

I mean, even if, you know,
I don't end up with Grant,

I'm better than I was.

Aw, come here.

Aw.

Little Virgin Annie.

- With the unshuckable oyster.
- Shut up.

I want in. Unshuckable oyster.

Get in here, Stifler.

Yeah, come on.

Say what
What?

Straight from the jump

Right on the tempo
Mix it all up

Say hey
Hey

No time to wait

Taking your move
to a different place

Say hey
Hey

Do what it takes

Make like Tay 'n' shake

Get up and go, go, go, go

Get up and go, go, go, go

Get up and go, go, go, go

- Light the fuse.
- Copy that.

Mama Bear, Papa Bear,
Operation Oyster is a go.

This guy.

Hey.

Annie's dad's outside with a limo.

- What is that?
- It's a onesie, you moron.

- For the pajama party.
- Why do you have it?

Honey, you know
that I love you

and I'm always gonna
tell you the truth, right?

- I know.
- So the truth is,

it's time for you to stop moping
because, baby, you're a real downer.

Listen, happiness
doesn't just find us.

You gotta go and you gotta grab it.

Take this.

- Take this.
- Okay.

- I love you.
- What do I...

You'll figure it out. Or not.

I don't know.
I've done everything I can do.

Okay, this is your moment, Grant,

- and you're blowing it.
- Mmm-hmm.

But luckily, Annie has some
pretty awesome friends...

- Thank you.
- Oh, you're welcome.

...who are trying to save you
from this terrible mistake.

Plus, we think you're pretty great, too.

And we sent you
a really cool onesie, so...

Okay, just shut up!

Game time, Grant.

If you really like Annie,

put on that onesie
and get in that fucking limo.

- See you soon!
- If you don't do it...

Gladiator!

Hey, asshole!
Turn off the music!

This day feels like
nothing but the right vibe

This could be the good life
Doesn't get better than...

- Hi, darling!
- Hi.

Are you okay?

Not really.

I just realized you were right.

I've made sex too big a thing.

I tried to turn it into some...

It's for fairy tales. Stupid.

No. No, honestly I think you were right
about wanting it to be special.

Look, I never had
someone who gets me

and cares for me, you know, and...

But Emmett makes me feel
like that for the first time.

Stop. Stop it.

I mean, it's nice,
and I think tonight, we might, you know...

Steph, that's great.

Great? Doubtful.

Special, yeah. Yeah.

- Yeah. I'm happy for you.
- Thanks, babe.

Oh, shit.

Are you ready?

- Uh, ready for what?
- Oh, you just wait, my darling.

You're scaring me. What is...

- Where are you...
- Just stay right there.

We're young and in love

And we're running like the wind

We got it all

We're never alone

What?

If we got each other
we can save the world

Explosions in the sky

I see colors fly

Old enough, old enough

Old enough to know that
we are young in love

Young in love
Young and in love

You and me, we can see

Time will stand still

If we stay young in love

Young in love
Young and in love

Yeah, we are young and in love

Yeah, we are young and in love

Yeah, we are young and in love

You made it.

You have some really great friends.

Seems like we both do.

Old enough, old enough
Old enough to know that

We are young in love

Young in love
Young and in love

You and me, we can see
Time will stand still

If we stay young in love
Young in love

I guess that's my cue.

Yeah, we are young and in love

Yeah, we are young and in love

Yeah, we are young and in love

Yeah, we are young and in love

Yeah, we are young and in love

Yeah, we are young and in love

Yeah, we are young and in love

Yeah, we are young and in love

Ladies and gentlemen,

Annie and Grant.

Well, she was an American girl

Raised on promises

She couldn't help thinking that there

Was a little more to life somewhere else

After all, it was a great, big world

With lots of places to run to

Yeah, and if she had to die trying

She had one little promise
she was gonna keep

Oh, yeah, all right

Take it easy, baby

Make it last all night

She was an American girl

Oh, yeah, all right

Take it easy, baby

Make it last all night

She was an American girl

What did you do?

- Mmm-hmm.
- Oh, God.

- Okay.
- Okay, okay.

- Hey.
- Hey.

So, I... I guess they have
one more surprise for us.

Okay.

- Bye.
- Bye.

What's happening right now?

I've fallen too deep

Trying to swim

The current too steep
and it's pulling me in

I can breathe

Both hands around my heart
My heart

I can still feel the heat on your skin

My lips are begging to pull you in

I can breathe

Your hands around my heart
My heart

I'mma hold the door...

What?

For you there is no cure...

What are we, like...

Oh.

I made a pact, so I gotta stick to it.

You want your first time
to be with me?

Yeah. And the next few, I think.

Hey. This feels special to me.

Me, too, Annie.

Oliver, I wanna share
something with you,

something that I've never
shared with anyone else.

Oh.

You want me to use that on you?

On me?

And I want you right here, right now.

On Principal Fisher's desk?

- Yes, on her desk! Get up there!
- Okay. Okay.

And I know you know what I want.

You mean, "A man may die,
nations may rise and fall,

- "but an idea lives on!"
- Yes.

Yes!

And we dared to go

A lover's bane

Forever will remain...

Amazing. Shit.

Wow. Shit!

Thanks. Learned that at band camp.

Yeah, I don't need to know that.

Kiss me now. Okay?

Now.

Wait, wait, wait, hold on.

- I need to tell you something.
- What?

I've... I've never done it.

Me neither.

I mean, I've never had it
with someone special, you know?

Oh.

Yes!

Yeah?

- You like this?
- Oh. Yeah.

- This is hot.
- Yeah.

- Dangerous.
- Yeah.

A little unsanitary, but, yeah.

I like it here. I like you.

I love you.

You are my queen!

I am your queen!

Whoo!

Ahoo

Stars are falling

Are we falling, too?

Ahoo, dawn is coming

What's this coming to?

On a night like this

On a night like this...

- There's something else.
- What?

Oh. Oh.

No, don't worry if...

Look, whatever's going down,
down there we'll make it work. Okay?

- Yeah?
- I promise.

- Okay.
- Okay.

Wow.

Is your dad a giant?

Like, will it fit?

Here's to hoping.

Oh, you're my president.

You'll always be my president.

Ahoo

Stars are falling

Are we falling too?

On a night like this

On a night like this

Ahoo

Say you want this
on your permanent record.

I want this
on my permanent record.

Yeah, you do.

What's going on? Oh.

Hey, Janitor Steve.
We'll just be a minute.

Hi, Janitor Steve.

I'm gonna need a bigger mop.

Don't touch me!