All language subtitles for Modern.Family.S05E05.720p.WEB-DL.DD5.1.H.264-HWD.en

Gloria, honey!

I'm ready whenever you are!

We should hurry. The reservation's at 7:00.

Claire, where are you?

Okay, see you in two.

What are you doing?

I'm striking a seductive pose
for your mother.

Gross. But I like the suit.
Is that new?

Oh, yeah.

Now that his honey
gots her own money,

daddy went and snagged hisself
some new threads, girl.

Hands down,
your funniest voice.

Bordering on the offensive.

Listen, I'm a realtor,
and I work a lot with families,

so normally, I dial
the sexy back to five,

but Claire's been working
very hard lately.

So tonight...

Byoooooop!

Stick around if you want to see

your mom's tongue
fall out of her mouth.

Not unless you want to see
my lunch fall out of mine.

Oh, I'm sorry I am late.

Traffic was horrible.

Sounds like someone could use
a tall drink of water.

Yeah, right. Water.

Luke, what did I tell you about
leaning back on that thing?

I don't know. "Don't"?

Honey, what are you
still doing here?

You're supposed
to be babysitting Joe.

Yeah, but I have to drop off
Alex to watch Lily first,

and she's still not ready.

She can't be concerned
about her looks, right?

- I can hear you!
- I'm kidding.

I'm just saying, it'd be sad
to think she actually tries.

- Heard that, too!
- It was a joke!

Man, do big ears
actually hear better?

Oh, my God, just stop talking.

Okay, girls.

It's time for you guys
to hit the road.

- Okay, bye.
- Oh, yeah, bye. - Bye.

Why aren't you going with them?

He wanted to stay home.

I said it was okay.

- By himself?
- It's fine.

If he's old enough to watch
"The walking dead" with me...

- He's not.
- ...then he's old enough

- to stay home alone.
- He's not.

Claire, he's not
a little boy anymore.

I'm fine.

See how deep his voice is?

Are you okay?!

Oh, this is Haley.

"Be there in 5.
Alex took ducking forever."

Oh, it's fine.
You know what?

We have to pick
the "Save the date" card.

I'm at a loss.

Can we just do it tomorrow?

I hate the way my dad
looks at us when we're late,

like we're two silly queens
blasting disco music,

primping, losing track of time.

Wow, it gets really busy
in that head, huh?

Okay, quick.
Which one do you like?

- Uh, that one.
- Really? I think you picked too quick.

No, I didn't.
I really like that one.

I really like this one.

Well, then, why did you
ducking ask me?

Fine, goes with yours.

Well, if that's the one
you really like.

Can you just get ready?

Yeah. Lily, hit it.

On it!

Let's go! Let's go! Let's go!

I've never seen you so excited
about a restaurant.

I've waited six weeks
for this reservation.

They have an Australian wagyu beef

that's supposed
to change your life.

In the way heart disease
changes your life?

Because you're a pillar of health.

They only feed this cow alfalfa,
barley, and red wine,

and some chef
hand-picks each cut,

dry ages it 35 days

before cooking it
to a perfect medium-rare,

all for me.

Doesn't the wine
make the cow drunk?

It's not "The far side."
The cow doesn't drive anywhere.

Gloria!

Let's go!

You know she's not here, right?

What?

She's having her hair blown out.

That's a thing?

That I pay for?

Gloria's always late.

Then I get mad
and tell her to hurry.

We yell, and it just takes longer.

So I promised myself,
no matter how late she is,

just to take some deep breaths
and stay calm.

That's the only thing
I learned in lamaze class

because we were always late.

Hi! Everybody's running
like crazy tonight.

I took San Vicente thinking that
I was gonna save some time,

but then they're
working on the sewer.

So I went around Montana,
down Moreno.

But then there's
that dip in the road.

I always forget about
that dip in the road.

I hit it so hard that I spilled
the coffee all over the car.

Did I tell you who
I had coffee with?

I think Luke is scared
to be left in the house alone,

and he's just pretending
to be brave for you.

Honey, he's 14.

We left Alex alone
when she was 10.

We didn't leave her.
We forgot her.

And when we got home,
she was fine.

- Physically.
- Mm.

Plus, she's still friends with
that sweet 911 operator.

Yeah.

What are you doing?

Making sure Luke knows

what to do in case of emergency.

Of course he does.

Someone's at the door!

Luke, it's just
your mom testing you.

Don't worry, mom.

If I hear that while you're gone,
I won't answer.

I'll just hide where
no one can find me.

Cam, come on, let's go.

Two seconds.

I thought that being with a man

meant that I wouldn't have
to wait around like this.

I feel cheated. I do.

Let's play dolls.

Actually, I want to read you
one of my favorite books.

It's called "Little women,"
and it's about four sisters

who overcome poverty
and the patriarchy...

Nope! Dolls.

This is Ashley. She's a wife.

Well, I hope that's not
the only thing that defines her.

Does she have a career?

Nope, she shops.
Where's Haley?

How come it takes me
five minutes to get ready,

and you take forever?

Oh, please. I could get
ready in five minutes, too,

if I dressed like --

You did it again.

Not changing.

Fasten your seatbelts.

It's going to be a crazy night.

No, honey, it's gonna be
a bumpy night.

Remember, you can't have
two dads and make that mistake.

Bumpy night.

Okay, so how often
does this happen?

Too often.

Men just don't have
that many options.

I can't tell you
the number of times

I've walked by a women's boutique

and just thought, "what I would do
to have that many choices."

Don't ever say that again.

I don't like any part of it.

All right, one of us has to change.

We look like twin
toddlers at church.

Yeah, tell me about it.

And this place we're going
is supposed to be super hip.

We're probably gonna
run into someone.

And come on.
I don't have that many outfits.

My clothes take up exactly
one-quarter of the closet.

That's not fair.
My clothes are bigger than yours.

All right, I hate to play this card,

but I was dressed first. So...

Oh, that is silly.

Lily, it's time to play
"who wore it best?"

No, I'm not doing this again.
I can't.

Fine. Alex.

Uh, I don't know.

Boys' clothes aren't
really my thing.

Really?

I don't get it.

Doesn't the wine get the cow drunk?

- Thank you.
- Honest to God.

Have neither of you seen a cow?

They're huge.

I bet Tequila would do it quicker.

It's not the goal
to get the cow drunk.

You got to be kidding me.

Manny, see why your mother's
taking so long.

And don't tell her I sent you.

Mom! Hurry!

Don't yell.
I could have yelled.

- Then why didn't you?
- Because I didn't want to yell.

- I want you to go.
- Why can't you go?

Why can't you do what I ask?

I'm trying to do
something new here!

Stop yelling, Jay! I'm ready!

Oh, geez.

Haley, Manny knows
where all the baby stuff is,

and if Joe won't go to bed,
just put on Gladys knight

and bounce him around a little bit.

Oh, you still do that?

I loved when you did
that with us.

How about that?

Somebody in this family
remembers a nice thing I did.

I remember something nice you did.

You bought me this dress yesterday
when you were working.

How do I look?

Gorgeous. Let's go!

You didn't even look at me.
Haley.

Well, "A," your hair looks amazing,

like you just got off a horse.

That's exactly
what I was going for.

But if I had one thought...

No! No thoughts.

...Are those for sure
the best earrings?

They seem to be
kind of getting lost.

I have the same color
in a bigger size.

- How much bigger?
- Like a meter.

A meter?
That's like a foot.

Actually, it's like a yard.

Oh, sorry --
It's like a millimeter.

You mean a centimeter.

All this math.
Just show me.

- Gloria!
- What?

I think the new earrings

are really gonna tie
your whole outfit together.

You're so sweet!

Wow. That was very mature of you.

Yeah, well, I'm a lot older now

than when she started
getting dressed.

So this sound...

...that's the doorbell.

That other sound
was the smoke alarm.

Got it.

Okay, and if you're hungry,
don't order a pizza.

They don't screen
those delivery guys.

Half of them are ex-cons.

Stop it. You're gonna scare him.
It's gonna be fine.

But if you do choke,
you've gotta throw yourself

against the back of a chair
to get the food out.

He'll just drink stuff.

Nothing from under the sink.

Even if it's lemony?

I'm just messing with you.

In case of fire,
go low and get out.

In case of earthquake --

Wait. You think there
could be an earthquake?

The last time we had one,
that big cabinet fell on me.

- No, it didn't.
- It did?!

Let's go.

Bye, honey, we love you.

Do you have the keys?

We're gonna check in.
I promise!

Uhh, what's going on?

New suit?

This old thing?

Yes, it is.

I got it at this
hipster place downtown.

You like it?

It's tight.

Well, the salesman said
it was the style,

and he looked like
a Mumford and Son,

so I think he'd know.

Mm, let's go.

Slow down, Flo Jo.

You know what?
We don't have time for this.

I'll just change.

Well, now I feel bad.
Let's both just change.

That's the fair thing to do.

Okay, fine.
But quickly, please.

Okay.

I don't know.

It's blue.

Yeah, this one's so yellow.

Oh, you know what?

I have a stain on this one.
I can't wear it.

Oh, paisley, yeah.
I don't know.

Are you kidding me right now?!

- What?
- I know this trick, Cam.

You take forever
to pick out an outfit,

knowing very well that I'll say,
"let's just go,"

because we're late.

Meantime, you get credit
for offering to change

while I'm the one
who actually does.

- As usual.
- Excuse me.

Are you accusing me of
manipulating you to get my way?

Actually...

Because that's what my mother
used to accuse me of,

and I got to say

that that brings up
a lot of stuff with me.

You're crying without tears.

Give me a minute.

"'Christmas won't be Christmas
without any presents, '

"grumbled Jo.

'It's so dreadful to be poor,'
sighed --"

Stop! I hate this.

Can I put makeup on you?

Why does everyone ask me that?

Let's just have a good time
tonight, all right?

- I'm not mad.
- Okay, good.

And you do look
super-duper handsome in that.

Don't even.

I'm gonna grab
a water for the road.

Yeah, get me a soda.

Okay, Alex.
Thank you so much.

Have a fun night.

Honey, we love you.

- Here you go. All right.
- Thank you.

Okay, and remember,
no eating in the living room.

Aah! Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!

What did you do?
What did you do?!

Come on!
You can't possibly think --

you shook this can

so you could wear the outfit
that I wanted to wear?

That is exactly what I think!

That is insane.

You saw me take it
from the refrigerator

- and bring it to you.
- Did I?

Or were you out of my sight
for the two seconds

that it took you to get from
the refrigerator to here,

which would have given you
exactly the right amount of time

to shake the can?

Nice theory, Nancy Grace,
but I'm not that petty.

Okay, you two.
Did you see anything?

Just pretend you're coloring.

Okay, what are you doing?

I'm trying to reach the mirror.

I got something in my eye.

Hi, you've reached the Dunphys.

- Please leave a message after the beep.
- Why isn't Luke picking up?

It's hard to reach the phone

when you're tired up
by a recently paroled pizza guy.

Ha ha.
You're very funny.

What are you doing?

I know it sounds weird.

Call it mother's intuition,

but I just have this feeling
that something is wrong.

Fine, do what you want,
but I've just about had it up to --

higher than here with this.

Die, pizza man!

Stop! Stop!

Oh. Sorry, mom.

Told you he could
take care of himself.

Move.

Why does she do this?

We're gonna lose our table.

She knows how important
it is to me to be on time.

This is torture.

I think you've lost
perspective, Jay.

You know what I would give

to wait around
for a woman like that?

Reel it in, creepy.

That's your mother up there.

Sorry, sorry.

Once I changed the earrings,
I had to change the shoes.

And then I tried
on one of Gloria's old dresses,

which made me feel
like a 10-year-old boy.

Ay, your body's beautiful.

I agree.

Take it outside the family.

Okay, we ready to go?

Wait. I have the wrong lipstick.

Oh! That's it! I've had it!

Just one minute!

Nothing takes a minute with you.

We're leaving right now.

I don't care what you have to do.

It's bad enough
you're being rude to me,

but you're being rude

to the people sitting
there waiting for us!

Sorry, you're the first to arrive,

and we can't seat you
till everyone's here.

I hope you're happy!

Where d... hell is everybody?!

Yes, I hate waiting like this.

Do you?

Just because
everybody else is late

doesn't make it okay
for us to be late.

I can't get ready
fast with all the yelling!

I wasn't yelling.

You see, you're doing it again!

Gloria, you do this
every single time.

If you know how long
it takes you to get ready,

why don't you start earlier?

I have my reasons.

I would love to know them.

You're going to be mean.

I promise I won't be.

I like to make an entrance.

What's that, now?

I like the part where I go in,

and everybody's waiting for me,

and they say,

"Gloria, you look so pretty,

and that dress is so beautiful."

Is that so bad?

I don't love it.

Oh, this room is so nice.

I know. It's almost as gorgeous
as -- you monster!

What? Oh, this?

Well, you know,
you couldn't wear it,

so I figured,
what's the harm?

Okay, you know what?
I will go over there,

and I will be as socially
magnetic as I always am.

We will put this
on the back burner,

but underneath, I want you
to know, I am fuming.

Hey, Jay, where's Gloria?

She's -- she was there a second --

There are my boys!

Gloria, you look so pretty.

That dress is so beautiful.

You got to be kidding me.

You let him watch those
scary shows with you,

and then we leave him
home alone at night.

Of course he's gonna arm himself.

He was fine until you gave him
your "50 ways to die" speech.

What was the one
about the welcome mat?

They are highly flammable.

For seven to ten people a year,

they may as well say,
"welcome to the morgue."

You know what? Drop it.
I don't want to fight in public.

- It's embarrassing.
- Fine.

Hi, how are you?

Good evening. Hi.

Oh, my leg's asleep!

My leg's asleep!
Okay, thank you.

Sir, if the rest of your party
doesn't arrive soon,

we have to give up your table.

Any minute.

Again, dad, sorry we're late.

Yeah, you know,
Mitchell put on some music,

and we were primping
and dancing around,

and I guess, well,
we just lost track of time.

Actually, dad,
what happened

was Cam was practicing this trick

where he pretends
to be accommodating

and then magically gets his way.

There they are.

We need a second.

Oh, Cam, no.

Where are you guys going?

- Can't talk. Too mad.
- Oh.

Oh, God.

Hi, dad.

Where's Gloria?

She -- for the love of --

There you are!

Oh, my goodness!
That dress!

Gloria, holy mackerel.

We're so sorry we're late.

We had to drop
Luke off at your place.

Phil wanted him to stay home alone,
but he got scared.

Man, I can't wait to get some food
in my mouth and yours.

Poor Haley.

What is she going
to do with all those boys?

♪ I'll be with him ♪

♪ I know you will ♪

♪ On that midnight train to Georgia ♪

♪ Leaving on the midnight
train to Georgia ♪

♪ Hey, hey, hey ♪

♪ Whoo, Whoo! ♪

You know what?

I resent the implication
that I always get my way.

Really?
The "save the date" cards.

For our wedding?

Oh. So, it is still our wedding.

I wasn't sure
I was even invited

because you keep asking
for my opinion

and then doing
the exact opposite.

- That's one thing.
- What about the music?

I think our love deserves a band,
not a D.J.

The tablecloths.

They make sneakers
out of that fabric.

You won't let me pick one thing,
and you want to know why?

Because I have
better taste than you.

I was gonna say because
you're a control freak.

And how can you think
that I have bad taste?

We chose the exact same outfit.

Did we?

I wore fun loafers.
You wore sensible Oxfords.

Your collar's buttoned down.

Mine's a more current widespread.

And I chose a bold pocket square

to bring out
the stripe in the shirt,

all of which you
wouldn't have thought of

because, well,
I've already said.

You don't like my Oxfords?

I'm sorry. I'm being harsh.

- They're fine.
- Thank you.

For a small-town Detective.

Okay, look. I can't help myself.
I did it again.

So, I-I don't love them.

But I do love you.

And I don't want you
to feel left out.

Okay.

Then let me have a say
in planning our wedding.

That's what we agreed to.

You will, and you should,
and I'm sorry.

Thank you.

Can you just do
one thing for me?

Sure.

Just be honest,
and I'll let this go forever.

Did you shake that can?

No.

I'm gonna ask you
one more time.

See, Phil?

They don't let Manny
stay home alone.

Why do you think Haley's there?

Actually, we let Manny
stay home all the time,

and sometimes,
he makes cupcakes,

which I could use
one right about now --

or a potato.

Haley's there to take care of Joe.

Are you sure, guys?

'Cause Claire's always
right about everything

all the time,
forever and ever.

Thank God. Here they are.

Fiona, we're all here.

Actually, dad,
we could use a moment.

I'm going to eat my hand.

"Jo immediately sat up,

"put her hands in her pockets,
and began to whistle.

"'Don't, Jo. It's so boyish.'

"'That's why I do it.'

"'I detest rude, unladylike girls.'

"'I hate affected,
niminy-piminy chits.'"

Okay, this stinks. I give up.

Thank God.

Want to see your hair?

Lily, that's actually good.

Can you really do makeup?

Stay there.

Is it really too much to ask
that you consult me

before you make
such a big decision?

Claire, when you
went back to work,

you asked me to take the reins.

So I think you need
to trust me now.

Do you really think I'd put Luke
in a dangerous situation?

He's my favorite,
which I did not just say.

- If anything happens to him --
- It won't.

If you haven't noticed,
I'm pretty good at this,

as hard as it is for you
to pay me a compliment.

Where is that coming from?

Well, do you like this suit?

I wouldn't know because
all you said was, "it's tight,"

and not in a cool black way.

Wait, a-are you trying to say

that you squeezed
yourself in that for me?

Yes.

You've been
a little distracted at work,

so I wanted to look nice for you.

Oh, honey.

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

You're right.

Luke probably
would have been fine,

and I am having
a hard time letting go.

And if there's one person
in the world I trust, it is you.

And?

And... you look hot in that suit.

When we get home later...

Okay, you're actually
gonna need to stop.

This suit can't get any tighter.

Hey, we're back.

Nobody goes anywhere.

Everybody hold hands,
and we go right to the table.

Fiona?

Actually, we just
gave away your table.

I'm sorry, but
I did warn you about this.

Listen to me, Fiorina.

This man has been waiting

to eat in this restaurant
for months!

We were all selfish,
and we made him late.

And maybe I got a little crazy,

but I'm gonna think
about that later.

But he has done nothing wrong!

So we're not gonna leave this place

until he eats that drunk cow

that he can't shut up
his mouth about!

Why you haven't moved?

Last night, I had
the greatest meal I've ever had,

and it never would have happened

if Gloria hadn't got us kicked out

of that snooty restaurant.

Tacos.

Tacos.
I need a taco.

- Yes.
- Taco truck!

That is delicious.

No, but seriously,
who looks better?

I don't know if it was
the six scotches I drank

waiting for everybody,

or the fact that I hadn't eaten
anything since breakfast...

Or the moment Phil's
suit finally gave up.

They even played
my favorite song.

♪ He's leaving ♪

♪ Leaving ♪

♪ On that midnight train to Georgia ♪

♪ Leaving on the midnight train ♪

♪ Said he's going back to find ♪

♪ Going back to find ♪

♪ To a simpler place in time ♪

♪ Oh, yes, he is ♪

♪ And I'll be with him ♪

♪ Yes, he will ♪

♪ On that midnight train to Georgia ♪

A train I'd never make unless
I told Gloria it left at 11:00.

♪ I'd rather live in his world ♪

♪ Than be without him in mine ♪

Here you go.

I didn't know what
you wanted to drink,

so I just got you this soda.

That's fine.
Thank you.

Cam, what did you do?

I did exactly what you did

because I know you so well.

I didn't shake the soda.

Then you have nothing
to worry about,

so go ahead and open it.

I shook it, okay?

I shook the soda.
I shook it up!

Are you happy?

It was petty and stupid and awful.
I'm sorry.

Damn it.