Original subtitles

(all gasp)

Oh, God, Oh, God. Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no.

This is bad. This is very bad. I'm not supposed to be here.

I have a pottery class at 0900!

Hey, just calm down. We don't know what this is.

Are you kidding me?! Creepy stone walls, jagged metal bars.

This has alien prison written all over it.

A prison? Nah. No way, man.

-This is a dungeon. -That's even worse!

Hello? Can someone give us some context in here, please?

A dungeon?! But we didn't do anything. Did we?

(gasps) Oh.

I've been replicating a lot of ice.

Are we not supposed to do that?

I really like ice.

I saw the captain and the bridge crew

get taken into another room.

What if they were replicating ice, too?!

Guys, this is basically a resort

compared to what the Klingons do to you.

I'm sure it's not a big...

(all shouting, gasping)

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

(drums beating)

(gruff alien chanting)

(crew stammering)

-Uh, hi? -Oh, man,

they have all of our commanders suspended in a beam!

-They must be on trial. -For what?

(clanging, zapping)

Fellow Primes!

These Federation witnesses have been brought before you

to speak truth

about the senior officers

of the Federation starship Cerritos.

(murmuring)

I-I didn't witness anything. Did you?

I don't know. What's the difference between witnessing

and just lookin' at something?

You will speak only into the Horn of Candor!

With this horn, one of our most sacred horns,

you must only speak the truth.

Happy to be here. (chuckles)

I-I don't even know what we're supposed

to be telling the truth about.

The first to give testimony will be

Ensign Beckett Mariner.

Ship logs state you were present on the bridge

when the Cerritos made contact with the Clicket ship Tweerk

on stardate 57818.4.

Uh, I was, but I don't know what you want me to...

Tell us of those wondrous events!

Okay. It started off as a usual day.

We were just hanging out. I mean, we were just doing work

in the repair bay.

Roga Danar? Are you nuts?

I said "Who's the all-time biggest badass?"

not "Who's a dude nobody's heard about?"

Uh, everyone knows Roga Danar.

-No, they don't. -He totally outsmarted Picard,

and he has amazing hair!

Well, what about Khan, right?

Khan was a genetically engineered supervillain!

Dude was a space seed.

Ooh, ooh, pause for a second. I want to talk about Khan

and that thicc, thicc chest, but I got to pee.

-(door whooshes open, alarm wailing in distance) -Roga Danar.

-Get the (bleep) out of my face. -(door whooshes shut)

Guys, the ship's at red alert.

Uh, no, it isn't.

Yeah, that's impossible.

I messed with our speakers so they'd be extra loud

during a red alert. We'd know for sure.

You messed with the red alert speakers?

(gasping, panting)

-(alarm wailing) -(screaming)

Uh, it's, like, red alert everywhere except here!

-Rutherford! -Aw, man.

Oh, we're gonna get in such big trouble for this.

We have to get to our stations!

(panting)

Gah, why did we have to have bridge duty today?

We're gonna walk in and everyone's gonna be

-lookin' at us. -No, they won't. Just chill.

Okay, we'll just explain what happened and why we're late.

It'll-it'll be fine.

You want Rutherford fired? No.

Just follow my lead, all right? We'll fake it.

-Fake what?! -It!

I'm not faking on the bridge.

That's insane!

The captain already knows what she wants you to do,

so just nod and agree with her,

or we'll all end up getting kicked off the ship

and then we'll have to live on Earth,

where there's nothing to do except drink wine

and hang out at vineyards and soul food restaurants!

(alarm continues blaring)

Ugh, these guys are maniacs.

Captain, what happened?

They just randomly attacked me for thanking them.

(shouts) This injustice will not stan.

We gave you the map, and now you turn on us?!

Captain, this is all a misunderstanding.

I simply showed gratitude for your map of the Neutral Zone.

Gratitude?! How dare you!

-(quietly): Who is this guy? -Who cares, man?

Bug alien. Roll with it.

I meant no offense.

I think your people have a different definition

of "gratitude."

Give us back the map!

Ugh, this guy is really buggin'!

Mariner, what do you think?

I think you know exactly how to handle this, Captain.

You're right about that.

Ensign Boimler, I want options.

Uh, about the-- this alien guy?

Yes. Obviously.

Uh, what specifically do you wish to know?

Aw, come on, man!

This is your chance to prove you got what it takes!

(clears throat) Oh! Well, I-I don't know, uh, who, uh--

Well, the truth is...

Uh, I think we should do,

uh, what you want to do, Cap'n.

Cap'n's choice.

I'm not asking you to kiss my ass.

Come on. No wrong answers.

Uh, okay. We could do evasive maneuver

eighty...

eight...?

Is he (bleep)ing serious?

That was the wrong answer!

-I meant 84. -In this situation?

-Are you crazy? -Mariner!

Have you not been paying attention?

That could get us killed.

(chuckles): No, no, no, no. I was kidding.

Let's just-- Let's use the impulse drive to... Crazy Ivan.

-Ugh! Who the hell is he talking about? -What in the world is that?!

-What? -That's insane. -But-but-but-but...

Son, you're embarrassing yourself.

You got a lot to learn. Mariner,

why don't you send our friends a message.

Good call, Captain.

-What?! -Are you insane?! -What the hell are you doing?!

You said "Send them a message." That means phasers!

It means to send them a message to invite them to dinner!

No, it doesn't!

(grunts) Target their bridge!

-(grunting) -CLAR: Stop! Stop!

What are you talking about?!

What? I'm just telling you what happened.

You expect me to believe a Starfleet officer

wouldn't know what's going on with their ship

at all times?!

Look, I'm not proud of it, but yeah.

What about the map?

Tell me about the map!

Uh, there was a map?

That's the most important part!

Dude, look, I work on a spaceship, all right?

We don't have maps. We have stellar cartography.

What is wrong with you?!

Place her in the Tank of Contempt!

(gasping, whimpering)

Oh! We got eels. There's eels over here.

Mariner's not lying! I was there!

We didn't see a map!

Perhaps this is a misunderstanding.

You may go un-eeled.

For now.

(whoops) Better luck next time, eels.

Why does this guy care so much about a map of the Neutral Zone?

Yeah, it's so neutral.

Yeah, like, what would you even do with a map like that?

(chuckles nervously) I have no idea.

Ensign Samanthan Rutherford,

perhaps you can illuminate me more

than your unobservant compatriots.

Um, well, I mean, my cyborg implant

does give me perfect memory. (chuckles)

That will be of great use!

Tell me of stardate 57791.1.

All right. Stardate 5779, eh-- Hey.

Wait, are you sure you want that one?

Just 'cause I have so many great stardates in here.

Other than that one. (chuckles)

I want the one I said!

Uh, you're not gonna like it.

So, there I was,

rotating the EPS capacitors.

See, they overheat when you leave them

facing one direction too long.

♪ Rotate, rotate, rotating all day long ♪

-♪ While singing my rotation... ♪ -Ah. There he is!

Hey, sirs! You want to rotate with me?

Maybe sing a little song?

If you heard the one earlier... (chuckles)

No! Does your implant have Romulan flight manuals

-and repair information? -Uh, not right now.

-I'd need to update it. -Then do it. Now!

Uh, well, usually I like to update it while I'm asleep

'cause it kind of messes with my...

-No! Do it now! -You do it right this second!

-Okeydokey. -(trilling)

IMPLANT: 30 seconds until restart.

-Is it done yet?! -What? No. It just started.

While we wait, I'll fill you in on the plan.

Oh, uh, first off: do you have all your shots?

-Wait. Which shots? Like, with needles? -Ten seconds.

Wait, wait, wait. Hold on. Let me just...

We don't want you getting Dinobulan flesh-eating bacteria

-on your pe... -Hold up just a second. My implant is also...

-It'll eat right through your underpants. -My what?!

I've seen it happen. Terrible way to die.

-Restarting Rutherford. -Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!

-Wait, wait, wait. -(whirring)

Whoa. I think I blacked out

and lost a little bit of time during that update.

Great work nerve-pinching those Vulcans, baby bear.

Who knew you'd be better at it than they are?

-I did? But I don't know how to nerve-pinch. -Ha!

Tell that to Spock and Spock.

Oh, when my implant was rebooting,

it must have taken control.

We're entering the atmosphere. Brace for turbulence.

Sirs, you don't understand. I don't know what's going on.

When we're in the museum, our window's gonna be really tight.

-Museum? -We have to deploy now!

-No, no, no, no, no, no, no! -(grunts)

(yelling)

Verifying update. System will restart in three seconds.

(Rutherford groans)

-Ah! Romulan Bird-of-Prey? -SHAXS: Quiet!

(grunting)

We don't want to draw any attention.

-From who? What are we doing? What's happening? -Hey!

What are you two doing back here?

You've drawn my attention.

Distract him with the fan dance!

I'm sorry. My what now?

-Dance, boy! Dance! -Ooh. Ooh. Yeah.

Feels good, feels right...

Hey! Stop that! Now you're distracting me!

(rhythmic grunting) Right. Right.

I want the regular fan dance!

What are you doing?!

My best. (yelling)

IMPLANT: Verifying download.

Aah! What the heck?!

Hello? How am I standing in space? (grunts)

-(thudding, whooshing) -Huh?

Ah. (laughs)

Cloaked Bird-of-Prey. Wait. Did I steal this?!

-Aah, Mark Twain's got a gun! -Billups! Oh, man, are you okay?

-Tasha, no! The garbage bag's behind you! -Oh, no.

Sir, you have nitrogen intoxication.

You only have 60 seconds of air left!

(panting, grunting)

Stop goofing around! Get in here!

Verifying update. System restart in ten second.

-(yelling) -(mumbles)

Watch it! No, no, no, over there!

Stupid... cloaked Bird.

(groaning)

-Updating Klingon fonts. -What?!

-Why do I even need that? -(beeping)

SHAXS: Watch out for the controls!

They're set to...

(gasps) Gorn wedding!

(growling)

Aah! Get me out of here, implant! (groans)

(laughs) Nice try, Gorns!

(Rutherford sighs)

(yells) It's still the Gorn wedding?

Ouch. Help! Help! Come on, Gorns, please!

CLAR: A Gorn wedding?!

How has this become about a Gorn wedding?!

What are you avoiding?

Look, I'm just telling you the events

of stardate 57791.1, all right?

Damn. Rude.

I want details on how you stole the Bird-of-Prey!

I know, man. Me, too!

Wait. Why would Shaxs make him steal

some old Bird-of-Prey? What would they even do with that?

Beats me. I mean, it could be for anything.

Like, who even knows? (laughs)

-Take him! -(whimpers)

Eels?!

Dude, are you not paying attention?

-Hey! Leave them alone! -Oh?

Well, perhaps you, Ensign D'vana Tendi,

can prove more illuminating.

Oh, I've always wanted to testify about stuff!

This is so cool!

Hi, everyone!

Don't talk to them!

Have you and Commander Jack Ransom

ever set foot in the Romulan Neutral Zone?

I can't tell you that.

Oh, come on! This is an easy one!

Why are you making this so difficult?

-(yelling) -Tendi, just tell him what he wants!

All right, fine! But this was a classified mission,

so I'll have to leave some things out.

I had just been given a major assignment.

Mariner! Mariner, guess what?

I get to tidy the conference rooms!

Ah! What should I wear?

Probably just my uniform, right?

Ugh! How are you so excited?

You know you're just gonna be wiping cat fur off chairs.

Uh, do you know how many big decisions happen

in those conference rooms?

That's where they talk about the Borg.

You can talk about the Borg anywhere.

Yeah, but when you do it in a conference room,

it becomes a conference.

(groans) I never get to clean the conference room.

(humming)

(gasps) Wow.

The captain's chair.

Oh, I'm gonna make you extra clean. Huh?

Secure the room, Lieutenant (bleep).

-Yes, sir. -CLAR: Okay, stop.

You can't omit details like that!

Yeah, but I already did, so...

Are you so stubborn

that you're willing to risk death by eels?

Yes, that's correct.

Then continue.

You must be The Cleaner.

Yes, sirree. And happy to be here.

Glad to have you. This mission is highly classified.

From here on out, you're (bleep)

-and (bleep). -Wow.

All right, everybody, listen up. I'm serious.

This is important. If we're captured...

TENDI: He's glad to have me!

Gosh, it's just so nice to be recognized for my work.

And cleaning the conference room is important. I knew it.

Wait, I should be paying attention.

This is why we got matching tattoos.

-10-4. -Lock and load.

We're (bleep) for life.

Check out this map. It's gonna lead us

straight into the Neutral Z... (bleep) ...one.

The Neutral what, now?

RANSOM: The package is located here.

Guards are stationed here and here on weekends.

If we run into trouble, Cleaner will extract us.

Let's (bleep) this (bleep) up!

(whooping, hollering)

(whoops) Yeah...

Phaser rifles. (chuckles)

RUTHERFORD: Oh, snap! That's the ship from my stor!

TENDI: (sighs) I knew I should have made it clear

that I wasn't supposed to be there,

but every time I was about to...

So, here is a very funny thing.

Um, I think that there was a misunderstanding,

-and I... -Everyone quiet! They're scanning the area.

-Ah... -That was close.

We're lucky we have this Bird-of-Prey, or we'd be toast.

Uh, but what I was saying was...

Shh! They're scanning again.

They stopped scanning. Cleaner, what was that?

-What I was saying was... -Oh, no, they're scanning!

Okay, now they're not scanning anymore.

-Anything important... Whoa! -What I was...

REDACTED: Stop! I'm picking up scannin!

Okay, they're done scanning. Oh, God!

They're scanning again!

No, no. That was on me.

That was wrong. No, I wasn't!

(grumbles)

Uh, so, a-about me being "the cleaner..."

Yeah, yeah. At your age, it's very impressive.

Comm silence from here on out.

(exhales)

TENDI: Whoa.

-You know who I hate? Remans. -Oh, they're the worst.

-(both shouting) -TENDI: Sorry.

(blows landing)

Apologizing to the enemy?

-That's cold, Cleaner. -You're playing

some real (bleep) up mind games.

-Stay here, cover our six. -Six what?

Copy.

(thudding)

Is that the package?

Cleaner, do your thing!

What's my thing? I have a thing? What's my thing?!

(yelling)

Whoa, I thought she was just supposed to beam us

-out of here. -She was.

I do not know what's going on here. This is crazy.

Congrats, boys.

The package is safely on board,

and there's no indication that the Rom... (bleep)

...ulan high council detected us.

-(cheering, whooping) -Yeah!

-(laughs) -(door whooshes open)

Too bad we have to deny this ever happened,

because you were awesome.

(bleeping)

(laughing): You,

you're (bleep) crazy.

(door whooshes shut)

(sighs, humming)

(gasps) This is where Billups sits.

CLAR: Stop!

You expect me to believe that?

Yes, that is where Billups sits.

You did not do martial arts

on multiple armed guards!

You're right. I didn't.

-(clears throat) -I tried to be reasonable.

I tried to get to the truth.

Today didn't have to end in eels!

-Ignite the burners! -(Boimler and Tendi scream)

(all screaming)

-(eels shrieking) -Oh!

Why would you have burners and eels? It's redundant!

Just tell me about the package. What was inside the package?

I don't know, but whatever it was, I'm sure it was great.

(eels shrieking)

I think you're hurting the eels!

CLAR: This can all be over if you just tell me

what your bridge crew did!

We can't tell you.

Why? Why?

Because we don't know!

We never know anything!

(murmuring)

We're lower decks.

No one ever tells us what's going on.

We're not important enough

to have anything to lie to you about.

You're Starfleet. Surely you must be briefed

on every contingency.

Yeah, I wish. The senior officers

don't always have time to keep us up to speed.

Hell, sometimes, they don't even know what's going on.

Impossible!

Human lies!

-(grunting) -You are the best of the best!

-(screams) -Your senior officers

are always in full control!

No, they're not. They mess up all the time.

-Like whenever Q shows up. -(all gasp)

Voilà!

-Oh, what? -Damn you, Q!

Good luck solving my little puzzle, mes amis.

Tell me, now, can you prove that humanity is worth saving?

I think not. (laughing)

Well, he clearly wants us

to play something.

Ah! It's soccer. Okay.

-Oh! -BALL: What's humanity all about?

It's puzzle time. It's puzzle time.

-Ugh. Any ideas? Anybody? -Oh!

BOIMLER: Or half of Ransom's alien dates

that he doesn't do any research for.

(laughs) You are so funny, Mary Anne.

How about we keep this party going in my quarters?

Hey. Hey, Jack. FYI, you're hitting on a salt vampire.

-(scoffs) Yeah, right. Nice try. -(growls)

Salt vampires died out more than a century ago.

-All right. Cool, be safe. -Come on, Mary Anne.

Let's get out of here.

I'll give you the tour of casa de Ransom.

-(Mary Anne growls) -(screams) Salt vampire!

-CLAR: You're making this up. -BOIMLER: Nuh-uh.

I read all their logs. They'e stepping in it all the time.

(panting) Captain. Captain!

Someone is replacing everyone on the ship

with imposters who claim not to know me.

We might be in a parallel dimension.

-And you are? -Uh...

Wait, is this... is this not the Cerritos?

This is the Alhambra. Did you get on the wrong ship?

(bleep) They all look the same!

Who the hell was that?

Why are you doing this to me?

I need you to tell me

that your senior officers are infallible heroes.

Well, they're not. And that's okay.

We all joined Starfleet

to dive headfirst into the unknown.

We're explorers.

Of course we don't always know what's going on.

Did Picard know about the Borg?

Did Kirk know about that giant Spock on Phylos?

Did Dr. Crusher know about that ghost in the lamp thing

from the Scottish planet that she hooked up with

that one time? That whole thing.

You clearly want us to say that the captain

and her crew messed up,

but we simply don't have the full story,

and that's the truth!

Whatever they did, I guarantee you it was all for good.

You have shown no evidence that they're guilty of a crime.

In fact, I find you guilty

of trying to take them down with this sham of a trial!

Drumhead!

Wait, you think this is a trial?

Uh, yes?

-It's not? -Yeah, I mean, it's pretty trial-y.

Could someone bring up the lights?

This isn't a trial.

It's a party, for this brave crew

who rescued me from the Romulans.

What?

CLAR: I was kidnapped by Romulans

and held for over a year until they saved me.

Imperium Magistrate Clar, you're safe now, aboard the Cerritos.

Thank you, Captain Freeman. Thank you.

You must come and celebrate with me on K'Tuevon Prime.

Your deeds and my victory will forever be etched

-onto our great history stone. -Can't say no to a party.

Oh, great, guess I'll have to shave my (bleep).

Yeah, maybe you should.

(laughter)

(scoffs) What's that about?

I don't know, man. Something dumb.

(both laugh)

This was supposed to be my special day.

No. No, no, no, no, no. This is a trial.

You said we were witnesses,

-you said we had to testify. -Are you stupid?

How could you think this was a trial?

Because you've got our bosses suspended in a scary-ass beam.

That is the beam of celebration!

It is an honor to be in this beam.

Shut up, Billups!

Hey, man, this is not on us.

I mean, all of that chanting, and the-the metal gavel?

This is, like, alien trial 101.

You raised us up on a platform into a creepy courtroom.

Creepy? This is one of our nicest event silos.

-I got married here! -Wh-- Well, then, who's this judge?

This guy's just been, like, scowling at us the whole time.

-I don't know him. -Whoa, whoa, whoa. I'm just here

to set up for a birthday later for my little girl.

-She's turning 100. -TENDI: Aw.

Okay, all right, Clar, time's up.

-Etchers down. -But-but...

we didn't even get to do any etching.

No, no, no, no. You only paid for 22 minutes.

Other people got to etch.

Oh, come on.

But-but wh-- Okay, what about, what about the eels?

You held us in contempt, of eels.

All right, come on. That's enough.

-You dipped us in eels! -You ruined my party!

Those were eels you dipped us in!

-You did that! You did it! -You ruined my party!

Today you four almost got yourselves killed

at a thank-you dinner.

But, the way you stood up for Starfleet

while you thought you were staring death in the face

deserves commendation.

-I guess. -(applause)

Going forward, we'll make an effort

to keep the crew more informed.

The Cerritos will be synonymous with clarity.

Wait, so then what did Clar do to get captured

by the Romulans? I-I missed that part.

(chuckles) Well, it's-it's complicated.

Why did you let him hurt us with eels

if you knew it wasn't a trial?

We have to honor the local customs of alien governments.

And can you tell me who was on that secret team

that infiltrated the Neutral Zone?

Uh, I'm not at liberty to...

And why couldn't you just ask the Vulcans to borrow

the Bird-of-Prey? And where did they get it?

And why was that a job for the Cerritos?

Why couldn't it have just been a job for, like, the Enterprise,

-or... -Okay, you know what? It's classified.

It's all classified. Dismissed!

Hey, everybody, look, we got Captain Clarity over here.

I said dismissed!

Honestly, this is fine with me. Knowing things means more work.

Well, I, for one, knew it was a party the whole time.

(scoffs) Yeah, right, dude.

-I did. -Then why were you crying?

I just-- i-it was cold in there.

I've got sensitive corneas. I told you.

(laughs)

I challenge you all to a duel.

Pick your weapons.

I pick the mind.

Get out of here, Q! No.

We are done with random stuff today.

We're not dealing with any of your Q bull(bleep).

Oh, s'il vous plaît, Mariner.

I want to put humanity to the ultimate test.

MARINER: Okay, I'm not French. No.

-Go find Picard. -Q: Oh, Picard.

He's no fun, he's always quoting Shakespeare,

he's always making wine.

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org

(man imitates weapons firing)

Chirp.