Original subtitles

(WIND HOWLS)

(WATER DRIPS)

(DOOR CREAKS)

(LABOURED BREATHING)

It won't be long now.

She had a tremendous innings.

At least she's comfortable.

Yeah, there are worse ways to go.

- Well, this is it.

- You're telling me!

- You can say that again.

- Quiet.

- Shh! I think it's happening.

- Oh!

Stand by.

Shh!

(ALL GASP)

- I think she's going.

- Oh, I do hope she stays.

Tenner says she stays.

Deal.

I can't see anything.

Can you lift me up a bit?

Argh! (THUD!)

Oh, not this again.

Who are you?

I am the ghost of your

great-grandmother.

We are those poor spirits who dwell on,

compelled for reasons unknown...

Ah, she's gone.

- Lucky cow.

- Good on her, actually.

What's going on?

All I can see is shoes.

- You owe me ten.

- Oh, no, no, if you listened

- to what I actually said...

- Oh, don't start.

- Guys, if you please!

- You...

Perhaps one of us

should say a few words.

Yes, I'll do it.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Bagsy her room.

- Oh, she's only just died.

- Honestly.

Well, I'll wait until they've taken

her away, of course.

She was the last Button

of Button House.

The final Button died today

Though where she goes,

we cannot say...

Oh, he's off again.

- It seems but only yesterday...

- Hey, come on.

- Don't go without me. Oh, stupid body.

- She lost her life

'Twas like...a play

But with no children of her own

Who then will come to call this home?

ALISON: Well, it's bigger than the place

we're renting.

- And it's slightly over budget, but...

- Does it have a garden?

No, but the downstairs flat's got one

you can look at.

So...

- Yeah?

- Oh.

- (PHONE RINGS)

- Sorry, one second.

Hello, Clasey Hughes Estate.

- Nice view of the street.

- Yeah.

BOTH: "Buddy's Fish 'n' Pizza."

Well, we do like both those things.

Hmm.

- It's rubbish, isn't it?

- Yep.

- It's so bad.

- It's awful and I hate it.

- Sorry.

- Nah, fair enough.

I wouldn't want to live here either.

(PHONE RINGS)

- Hello?

- Oh, hello. Is that Alison Cooper?

- Speaking.

- I'm calling about a house.

We're only looking at flats.

We can't afford to buy a house.

No, this one's not for sale.

Then why are you calling?

God, I hate estate agents.

Apart from the good ones like you.

(PHONE RINGS)

Yep?

Sorry, I think we've got off

on the wrong foot.

I'm a solicitor at Worthing,

Cole & Simons...

- (THUD!)

- ...and I'm calling to inform you

that you have in fact inherited a house.

Hello?

Hello?

That's you in the corner there.

So she was like my step-great auntie?

There's no real term for what you are,

but she sadly had no direct relatives

and so you're the only one.

I feel like

I'm in the headmaster's office.

I put a pussy willow

in Daniel Bellingham's ear,

and he tried to get it out

and just pushed it further in.

He had to go to the doctor's.

It wasn't A&E or anything,

it was just...

He's fine now.

He's a pastry chef.

These look nice.

That's potpourri.

(CRUNCH!)

- Was she old?

- She was 99.

Oh, so close.

And there she is.

Lady Heather Button.

The Buttons go back a long way.

Lady?

Does that mean I'm a lady?

OK, I know I'm a lady,

but, like, a Lady lady?

- ALISON: Like Lady Gaga. No, no...

- MIKE: It's not this house, is it?

(ALISON CHUCKLES)

As a matter of fact, it is. Button House.

- No.

- Huh?

Now, obviously, it can take several years

to find a buyer and close the sale...

(SOLICITOR'S VOICE FADES,

THEN RESUMES)

...luxury hotel chains,

that sort of thing.

I mean, she lived on her own...

(SOLICITOR'S VOICE FADES)

- What if we keep it?

- Yes. That is a great idea.

The house is in a state of some disrepair.

We were looking for

a bit of a project anyway

and I retiled the bit behind the sink

in our last flat, so...

- The splashback?

- Is it?

I'm not sure this falls into the category

of DIY.

You should at least

have a survey done before...

I just feel like it would be better

to keep it in the family.

I think, actually, that's what she

would have wanted.

- Aunt Helen.

- Heather.

- Heather.

- And if it can make money

for some hotel chain,

then why not make it work for us?

- We could give up our jobs.

- Yes.

- We could do this full-time.

- OK, yes.

Can we keep it if we want to?

Well, it is your house.

(SLAM!) Sorry.

Ah, look what the cat's dragged in.

Down here. You're warm.

Warmer.

Yeah, you're boiling.

No. Cold...

Getting... Agh!

Down here! You deaf...

Well, I've got the ears, haven't I?

Er...

- Little guy...

- Pawn.

Prawn...go dooka-dooka.

- But that's...

- Checkmate.

(SIGHS) Fine. Best of 20.

- Oh, come on.

- (IMITATES ROBIN)

Ideally, you want it

about five potatoes high.

This one's going to have mud on it,

but you don't have to have mud on it.

This is the tip.

We insert the tip into the split.

ALL: Into the slath.

Yeah.

Thence repeat the process

till you be done.

Great. Lovely talk of the day

from Mary today.

I think I can safely say if we had any

wicker, or indeed we could touch anything,

we could all make

a pretty rad-looking basket.

Maybe next week, please, we'd all be

very interested to hear about the trial.

The witch trial. Huh?

It's too soon?

When you're ready. (CLEARS THROAT)

So, tomorrow is food club!

- Oh, dear.

- When Kitty will be telling us

all about the first time she ate an egg.

- I actually didn't like it.

- All right, Kitty.

Well, save it for tomorrow, please.

Give us something look forward to.

And then on Wednesday, Julian

has volunteered to make a speech.

Yes, my by-election victory speech, '91.

Very inspiring, very long

and a few smutty jokes - keep it light.

- Oh, God, spare me.

- Right, that's it.

Pat, sit down.

Right, AOB? Any other business?

Well, I have got something, actually.

Now, ever since I moved rooms,

I've been woken every night by you,

Fanny, screaming like a mad person.

Well, I don't think I do!

(PIERCING SCREAM)

(THUD!)

- I always thought that was an owl.

- An owl?

Do you know what an owl sounds like?

- Well, now I don't think so.

- It has got to stop!

Look, look, this is my house

and I shall do what I like.

It was mine first.

- No, that's the land, not the house.

- (IMITATES FANNY)

Well, I wish you would all hush.

I cannot do my work

- with all this agitation.

- Work?

You haven't done a day's work

in your life...or death.

- Oh!

- He's an artist.

- Pfft!

- He's ahead of his time.

Oh, he can't still be ahead of his time,

Kitty.

Guys, please!

Why don't you just go back

to your old room in the east wing?

I don't see why I should.

I wanted the garden view.

Now, as ranking officer...

The garden view comes with

the screaming woman.

You get used to it after 100 years.

(ALL TALK AT ONCE)

- Let's be serious here.

- Don't you get involved.

- (OVERLAPPING SPEECH)

- Argh!

It's simple. You swap rooms, eh?

You go up top.

You come ground floor and no jumpy.

Right. Well, that would suit me, I think.

Yeah, that could work.

- Not just a pretty face.

- Well, quite.

(OWL HOOTS)

Hmm. Yeah.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Hup! Ah.

Ah, splendid!

(CLOCK CHIMES)

Fanny?

What is it, Fanny?

George?

(PIERCING SCREAM)

Oh, for heaven's sake.

(BONES CRUNCH)

Throw yourself out of

your own damned window!

# I'm bringing sexy back, yeah... #

(BOTH MUMBLE LYRICS)

# Ohh! Ow-oh!

# My life has been

so overprotected... #

I always get the timing wrong

on that.

- MIKE: Hang on, hang on.

- ALISON # Whoa-whoa-whoa! #

I think this is it.

Oh, my God.

My heart.

Yeah?

It's so strange. I...

I feel like I know the place already.

This track.

Every tree.

It's like I've been here my whole life.

Like it's...

...home.

- This is the wrong one.

- Yeah.

- This really is beyond the pale!

- Oh, has it happened again?

You entered my room, you said, "George",

and then threw yourself out of the window.

Well, look, I don't even realise

I'm doing it.

Perhaps there's some

deeply buried reason

why you feel like you have to re-enact...

Maybe try jumping out of

the window before bed.

- Get it out of the way.

- No, it's not so much the jumping.

- It's the screaming that's annoying.

- Yes, that's a compromise.

Keep the jumping, but do it silently.

Staying hush whilst falling from a height?

Tush and flops.

Look, perhaps I scream because...

..and I've never told anyone this,

but, um...

It's quite all right. We shan't pry.

It's just that the night

that I actually...

No, look, no screaming. That's all I ask.

Is that reasonable? Good.

Oh! Argh! Eeh!

Box. Move. Got wheel.

Vroom!

- That's a motorcar.

- Car!

Wow! It's like a blooming spaceship.

Poor creatures must be lost.

(# KIM WILDE: Kids In America)

It's Kim Wilde.

Let me pluck out my eyes,

for never will I see such beauty again.

Yes, he'd make a very fine soldier.

(CLEARS THROAT)

- Wow!

- Shall we, Lady Alison?

(ALISON CHUCKLES)

Oh!

Oh, my...

This is 100% the most incredible moment

of my life, apart from my wedding.

And it's all ours.

What did that girl just say?

She must be related to you.

Like a niece, a great-great-great...

No, no, no, no.

She's no niece of mine.

Look at her. She's exposing her knees,

and she's got a tattoo.

So this is the library.

Does that mean we have to

start reading books?

Philistine.

Well, it'll be nice to have

some new faces around.

There's enough faces already.

We'd have to fix up all the plasterwork.

Hmm. But need fix architrave.

Oh, yeah.

We could do every room

- in a different style.

- Great idea.

Over my dead body!

- Wait, you...

- I know.

Ye olde-worlde.

- 1950s.

- (GHOSTS GROAN)

- Club Tropicana.

- Oh, that's fun!

- Wow.

- Unbelievable.

Well, they seem really nice.

- Let's give them a chance.

- Yeah.

- Look at that.

- (GHOSTS GROAN)

- What is that?

- Is that a lake?

Oh, I hate it when that happens.

That's a lake.

Well, there's only two of them.

Still plenty of room for us.

This is going to make

one incredible hotel.

(GHOSTS GASP)

What is hotel?

Well, Robin, a hotel is...

- Kill them.

- I quite agree.

If we all approve the use of force

to enable them to,

- you know, not live any more.

- Out of the question.

- That's completely immoral.

- And it's wrong.

And if we do kill them, we could be

stuck with them forever.

Would that so bad?

She's married, Thomas. Look at them.

Why must I always be spurned?

PAT: Couldn't we all just

live in the gatehouse?

I'd rather kill them.

- Kill them.

- Hear, hear!

- But that's a crime.

- (CLOCK CHIMES)

We'll hang!

(PIERCING SCREAM)

- (THUD!)

- Dammit, Fanny!

Well, we could always try...

...haunting.

- We're ghosts.

- (OTHERS MURMUR ASSENT)

Your tea, milady.

Thank you, Jeeves.

- Taste all right?

- Why?

I couldn't get any water in the kitchen

and I couldn't find the other kitchen,

so I ended up using the garden tap,

and then there's no electric

in the kitchen,

so I found a plug

that worked in the library.

I don't know if the water's drinkable,

but I boiled it twice.

(PIGEON COOS)

I love the sound of the country.

(COOING CONTINUES)

It's in the room.

Oh, yeah.

It must be nesting somewhere.

Right, what's first?

The pipes? Electrics?

Probably get the bird out the room.

Yeah.

Come on, then, pidgey-bigdey-bigdey!

Gah! Agh!

Now then, let's have a look at some

of the skills at our disposal, shall we?

Now, we all know that Robin

can do that thing with the lights.

- Will you please, Robin?

- Oh, yeah.

- Heugh!

- (ELECTRICITY FIZZES)

- Very good.

- Excellent.

- Yes, Mary?

- When I pass through livings,

- they smells burnings.

- Excellent.

- None of those are plural, but...

- 'Tis a most noxious stink, though.

- When I was alive...

- Oh, here he goes.

...it was rumoured a little plague girl

could oft be heard singing in the pantry.

# Ring a ring o' roses

# A pocketful of posies

# Atishoo

# Atishoo

# We all fall down. #

(CAPTAIN EXHALES SHARPLY)

People find it scary, apparently.

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) Can't think why.

- Ahem.

- Finally,

we're all aware

of Julian's extraordinary powers.

- Oh, please.

- (OVERLAPPING SPEECH)

- Come on.

- (CHUCKLES)

All right, all right,

all right, all right.

All right. Just..

I need a little bit... OK, here we go.

- Ahem.

- Shh, shh.

Oh! Hold on.

(JULIAN EXCLAIMS)

Argh!

Here we go.

(STRAINS)

Extraordinary!

I've only tried it on cups, but, you know.

Excellent. Well, with my leadership

and your skills...

(NERVOUS GASP)

...I believe we have everything we need to

scare them out of their wits.

(ALISON SCREAMS)

The water's gone cold!

It's so cold! Mike!

Oh, God.

Thomas?

What?! I wasn't looking, and anyway,

I couldn't see anything, so...

All right, mate. Is she coming out?

Yes, I think she is.

- She's coming out!

- Oh!

Stand to, everybody. Prepare for action.

Good luck, everyone. And remember,

as long as you do your best...

- Finished?

- Yes.

Hot water's stopped.

Go for Robin.

- (ELECTRICITY FIZZES)

- Agh!

Agh!

Man down. Right, cue Jemima.

- # Ring a ring o' roses... #

- (POUNDING MUSIC)

MIKE: Yes! Got the speakers hooked up.

- Well, that's the main thing.

- Yes, please, Mary.

- I think your toast is burning.

- Dammit!

- All on you now, Julian.

- (SHOUTS OF ENCOURAGEMENT)

- Push it!

- Come on! Push it!

- Come on, Julian! Push it!

- Come on!

(ALL SHOUT)

(SHOUTING CONTINUES)

- (VASE SCRAPES SLIGHTLY)

- Agh!

- Dammit!

- (GHOSTS SIGH)

You know, it's much bigger than a cup,

so... Agh!

- Haunting's hard, isn't it?

- So, how did it go?

Guys?

MIKE: Right, well,

I think the boiler's in...

(CREAKING)

...there?

(SWITCH CLICKS)

After you.

(ALISON SIGHS)

Sing something,

make this less scary.

# Don't be scared

Don't be scared

- # I'm not scared... #

- OK, you're making it worse.

There's another switch here.

- (SWITCH CLICKS)

- (ELECTRICITY FIZZES)

I can fix this.

What? Are you joking?

- Who are they?

- I don't know.

Look it up on YouTube.

Mike, not everything can be learned

from a YouTube tutorial.

You'd be surprised. I found a guide

on how to tame an eagle.

Yeah, but that's not...

- What, an actual eagle?

- Mmm.

- Why would you need to know that?

- Don't know. Cool, though.

So cool.

- Erm...

- Oi, don't fiddle with that.

- Do you even know what that does?

- Yeah, it's the thing for the thingy-bob.

GHOSTS: It's the valve

for the filling loop.

- GHOSTS: Hey! Woo!

- Fixed it.

No, you haven't.

It's just the pilot light.

- Do you think we need a new one?

- What?

- Get rid of old Betty?

- No, no.

Let's see what the surveyor says

next week, hmm?

- Mmm.

- OK.

Er...

- Ready?

- (GHOSTS MURMUR)

Ready.

(SWITCH CLICKS)

(GHOSTS MURMUR IN DISAPPOINTMENT)

- I wasn't ready.

- Well, that was nice, anyway.

Yeah, come back soon!

Oh, they can't hear me, can they?

MIKE: They're not warming up down here.

How's yours?

Give me a sec.

(VALVE SQUEAKS)

(PIGEON COOS)

There you are.

Hello!

We'll be overrun with people!

Taunting us with their life!

No, we'll just try again.

If at first you don't succeed...

Precisely. That's right.

We must prepare another charge.

Hit them when they're vulnerable.

We may have lost the battle,

but the war is far from over.

(COOING CONTINUES)

(PIERCING SCREAM, THUMP)

Fanny's early.

- Er, I'm right here.

- What?

Agh! Is Kim Wilde!

MIKE: Alison! Alison!

(MUFFLED) Alison! Alison! Alison!

Look at me. Look at me.

Alison, can you hear me?

Alison, I'm here. Can you hear me? Yeah?

Stay with me. Keep your eyes open.

Alison, I'm here. I'm here.

(SIREN BLARES)

(JULIAN STAMMERS)

- L-L-Let me be absolutely clear.

- Did you push her?

Well, now, the thing you have

to understand

- is this...

- I'm sorry,

- but it's rather a yes or no question.

- (OTHERS AGREE)

I took a decision to...to...

Pushy or no pushy?

Well, you know, Robin, let me ask you

this. You know, what was the context?

Answer the question, damn your eyes!

With respect, Thomas, I'm trying to answer

the question, if you'll let me finish.

Now, look here. A sacrifice was made

for the greater good.

We wanted her out of the house, didn't we?

This has either killed her

or scared her off.

FANNY: You don't just do that to someone.

What kind of coward would

push a lady out of the window?

Now, steady on, Fanny.

No, no, I won't, because I was pushed.

You hear me? I was pushed.

And I have never told a soul.

It was my husband, George.

- I caught him 'pon the groundskeeper...

- Good Lord!

...with the butler 'pon him.

- Oh!

- Like a sandwich?

A man-wich.

It's actually known as

a Moroccan tea party.

- Guys!

- Clearly, he didn't trust me

with his sordid little secret,

so he just did away with me.

But he was wrong, wasn't he?

He was very wrong.

Because I have kept it, haven't I?

(ALL MURMUR)

Until now. Until now.

- Oh!

- I mean, I did know that.

I watched all of that.

- So did I.

- Yeah, yeah.

- I wish I had watched it.

- Well, Fanny.

That must have been a terrible

burden to bear for all those years.

Perhaps now that you've shared it...

...you'll be free of your nightly terrors.

Oh, do you suppose so?

I'm sure of it.

- Oh.

- (CLOCK CHIMES)

(PIERCING SCREAM)

CAPTAIN: Fanny!

You see, Pat, what did I tell you?

That's where talking gets you. Nowhere!

It was silly of me to suggest it, really.

Lesson learnt. What shall we do?

I don't know. I'm not going to spend

eternity listening to that racket

at the same time every night.

- It's worth a try.

- Ah.

(GRUNTS WITH EFFORT)

(GRUNTING CONTINUES)

(CLOCK CHIMES)

(PIERCING SCREAM)

- (CAPTAIN YAWNS) Much better.

- JULIAN: Morning.

- ROBIN: Mornies!

- KITTY: Good morning.

- THOMAS: Good day.

- CAPTAIN: Finally, things can get

back to normal round here.

(TOILET FLUSHES)

- Shift over.

- Can't I lie down?

I'm so tired.

- Poor you.

- It's all right for you.

You've been asleep for two weeks.

It's called a coma.

- Induced coma.

- Oh.

- Agh!

- You all right?

Yeah.

I'm glad you didn't die.

Well, technically I did, for a bit.

Did I dream that house?

I feel like I dreamt it all.

Oh!

Have you had the survey back?

No. No, not yet.

Hmm.

Now, have her face the right way,

you want the end with the milk,

there, not the end for looking

and chewing out of.

You want to take this finger

and this finger,

gently but quickly, and that

releases a big squirt of the stuff.

- Good Lord!

- Chuck some of the muck out.

So, you can check then

if the milk be smooth and white,

not beige and lumpy.

Oh, my goodness. They're coming back!

What?

Right, so you know how I said

the survey hadn't come back?

Oh, God. Oh, what did it say?

How does she seem? Is it she OK?

I don't know, they're not getting

out of the carriage.

- Well, there's good news and bad news.

- OK.

OK, OK. Well... Give me the good news...

The bad news is that

the repairs are extensive,

like, big structural stuff -

plumbing, electrics.

Can't even begin to renovate this place

without a huge amount of cash

to do those things.

- OK. Yeah...

- So, the good news is I took out a loan!

- What?

- Yeah. I took out a loan.

Some loans. Paid some deposits.

Why didn't you tell me?

Because I didn't want you to worry.

This is your dream, right?

I'm going to do everything I can

to make it come true.

(CAR HORN BEEPS)

Oh, they're already here. Come on, then.

Hey. All right, mate.

- How you doing?

- Terry.

So, we're going to inspect the site,

make it safe.

Everyone has to wear

one of these for now.

Insurance reasons, mainly,

but, well...you just should.

- Cool.

- Cracking on, then.

Exciting, isn't it?

Huh? Why don't you go and have

a lie-down and I'll grab your bags, yeah?

You should be wearing a hard hat.

Button House

reduced to a tawdry boarding house.

What will become of us?

Oh, she spoke to me!

She spoke to me! She saw me!

- She spoke to me!

- What?

What the devil are you talking about?

Oh, there you are.

I thought you were getting some rest.

No turning back now.

- What if we made a mistake?

- What?

What if this was a bad idea

and we should have just sold it?

Don't say that. This is a great idea.

It's going to take a lot of work,

but we can do it.

Mike!

You're terrified, and I get it.

Mike!

I get it. I'm scared too.

This house and what we're doing,

it's a huge challenge,

and who knows what we're going to

have to deal with on the way?

But, in the end, we've got each other.

It's just us and this big old house.

There's nothing to be scared of, is there?

(GASPS AND SCREAMS)