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1
00:02:24,645 --> 00:02:28,149
Well, this is pretty much
the grossest thing I've seen.
2
00:02:31,778 --> 00:02:33,738
No, ma'am. It's actually
a lot better than that.
3
00:02:33,738 --> 00:02:37,074
Let me, let me pull something up
on my computer really fast.
4
00:02:37,074 --> 00:02:38,409
Oh, there it is.
5
00:02:38,409 --> 00:02:41,829
Um, did you know that
nine out of ten doctors
6
00:02:41,829 --> 00:02:45,333
recommend this
as the only way to quit smoking?
7
00:02:45,333 --> 00:02:47,668
Can you hold on a second?
Fuck you! Fuck!
8
00:02:47,668 --> 00:02:50,129
Fuck you. Fuck you, fucker.
9
00:02:50,129 --> 00:02:51,923
- Hey, Tim.
'oh, hey, Evan.
10
00:02:51,923 --> 00:02:53,341
Have you guys put together
the numbers
11
00:02:53,341 --> 00:02:54,759
for Friday's presentation yet?
12
00:02:54,759 --> 00:02:56,219
What presentation?
13
00:02:56,219 --> 00:02:58,513
Phallusite.
Phallusite presentation.
14
00:02:58,513 --> 00:03:00,807
Oh, is that the
bigger dick thing pill--
15
00:03:00,807 --> 00:03:03,851
- Natural male enhancement, yeah.
- Right.
16
00:03:03,851 --> 00:03:05,478
- Does that thing even work?
- It totally works.
17
00:03:05,645 --> 00:03:08,189
- Heard it turns your junk green.
- It still works.
18
00:03:08,189 --> 00:03:10,399
Doesn't matter.
It doesn't matter if it works.
19
00:03:10,399 --> 00:03:13,152
All that matters is that
we land the account, all right?
20
00:03:13,152 --> 00:03:16,823
And then I can remove "acting"
from acting sales manager.
21
00:03:16,823 --> 00:03:18,491
Hmm, well, I'm on it, man.
22
00:03:18,491 --> 00:03:20,159
- You can count on me.
- Thank you.
23
00:03:22,453 --> 00:03:24,622
Pick it up. Pick up the gun.
24
00:03:26,374 --> 00:03:28,376
- They never...
- Tim.
25
00:03:28,376 --> 00:03:30,503
- Tim.
- I'm on a sales call.
26
00:03:30,670 --> 00:03:33,422
Ma'am, listen,
if you're not gonna buy this--
27
00:03:33,422 --> 00:03:35,341
- You're gonna die.
- Shit!
28
00:03:35,341 --> 00:03:37,343
Boo! Tagged your ass, pussy.
29
00:03:37,343 --> 00:03:39,345
You, too? Mike, get to work.
30
00:03:39,345 --> 00:03:41,973
- You owe me 50 bucks.
- Shit!
31
00:03:44,267 --> 00:03:46,227
Hey, can I borrow 50 bucks?
32
00:03:49,730 --> 00:03:52,692
Hey, Evan. Sorry to be a nudge,
but you wouldn't happen to have
33
00:03:52,692 --> 00:03:55,570
that $20 you owe me for the NCAA
tournament pool, would you?
34
00:03:55,570 --> 00:03:57,280
Yeah, yeah, sure. Sorry.
35
00:03:57,280 --> 00:03:59,615
It's been such a bear
collecting from people.
36
00:03:59,615 --> 00:04:01,075
Kinda short on cash this month.
37
00:04:01,075 --> 00:04:03,619
My cat has a cleft palate
he needs surgery for.
38
00:04:03,619 --> 00:04:06,247
He's constantly lapping milk
into his eyes.
39
00:04:06,247 --> 00:04:07,582
It's really tragic.
40
00:04:11,460 --> 00:04:14,213
Okay, bada-bada-bada...
41
00:04:14,213 --> 00:04:15,798
That's baseball, dumb ass.
42
00:04:15,798 --> 00:04:18,134
Oh, I'm sorry.
Did I fuck up the rules
43
00:04:18,134 --> 00:04:20,011
of this incredibly well-defined
and professional sport
44
00:04:20,011 --> 00:04:21,095
that we just came up with?
45
00:04:21,095 --> 00:04:25,224
Yeah, I'm just saying that this
is clearly a basketball throw.
46
00:04:25,224 --> 00:04:27,518
Okay, but I'm sure
someone has thrown a baseball--
47
00:04:27,518 --> 00:04:28,978
Yeah, nobody has ever
thrown a baseball.
48
00:04:29,145 --> 00:04:30,855
- In the history of baseball--
- No adult male has.
49
00:04:30,855 --> 00:04:32,565
In the history of baseball,
major league baseball...
50
00:04:32,732 --> 00:04:34,191
[CLEARS THROAT]
51
00:04:34,191 --> 00:04:37,069
- Uh, can I help you?
- Yes, thank you, actually.
52
00:04:37,069 --> 00:04:40,781
I'm supposed to be working
with Evan Sanders today.
53
00:04:40,781 --> 00:04:43,200
- Yeah, he comes in at 9:30.
- It's 10:45.
54
00:04:43,200 --> 00:04:44,994
Look, look, you can
actually see it vibrate.
55
00:04:44,994 --> 00:04:46,579
Of course, because there's
more than one element.
56
00:04:46,746 --> 00:04:48,956
So is Evan here
or should I grab a cubicle--
57
00:04:48,956 --> 00:04:50,666
You'll know when
he gets here, okay?
58
00:04:50,666 --> 00:04:52,001
He'll start
bugging you for shit.
59
00:04:52,001 --> 00:04:54,253
Now, if you need something
to do, you can get me coffee.
60
00:04:55,296 --> 00:04:57,256
- Aren't you already drinking--
- Hey, sport.
61
00:04:57,256 --> 00:04:58,549
You see that garbage over there?
62
00:04:58,549 --> 00:05:01,636
Grab it and throw it
in the dumpster in the garage.
63
00:05:02,511 --> 00:05:04,221
Don't we have a good janitor
who can do that?
64
00:05:04,388 --> 00:05:07,934
Yeah, well, his time's valuable.
Goodbye!
65
00:05:07,934 --> 00:05:10,770
- All right.
- Byeee!
66
00:05:12,355 --> 00:05:14,023
Don't waste those.
67
00:05:15,024 --> 00:05:17,068
Five-five. This is it.
68
00:05:17,068 --> 00:05:18,569
- That's the one.
- This is the one.
69
00:05:18,569 --> 00:05:20,029
- I can feel it.
- All right.
70
00:05:23,908 --> 00:05:25,076
[SCREAMS] Yes!
71
00:05:38,881 --> 00:05:40,508
[METAL CLANKING]
72
00:05:45,096 --> 00:05:46,681
[METAL CLANKING]
73
00:05:49,058 --> 00:05:50,476
[LOUD CLANKING]
74
00:05:52,853 --> 00:05:54,522
Identify yourself, soldier.
75
00:05:54,522 --> 00:05:58,067
Oh, uh, I'm Jack,
the new intern.
76
00:05:58,901 --> 00:06:00,403
I'm just taking out the trash.
77
00:06:00,403 --> 00:06:01,862
- Don't we have a janitor?
- You do.
78
00:06:01,862 --> 00:06:03,364
[SCREAMS]
79
00:06:03,364 --> 00:06:05,324
- Jerry.
- Frank.
80
00:06:06,701 --> 00:06:08,369
Follow protocol.
81
00:06:10,913 --> 00:06:12,665
It's my first day.
82
00:06:16,043 --> 00:06:17,086
Thanks for pitching in.
83
00:06:34,020 --> 00:06:37,023
[LOUD CLANKING]
84
00:06:37,189 --> 00:06:41,277
[SCREAMING]
85
00:06:41,861 --> 00:06:45,281
[LOUD MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO]
86
00:06:48,659 --> 00:06:50,911
- Screws up his equilibrium.
- What's up, dildos?
87
00:06:50,911 --> 00:06:53,664
Hey there, Andrew.
Sorry to be a Pokety Paul,
88
00:06:53,664 --> 00:06:54,957
but you wouldn't happen to have
89
00:06:54,957 --> 00:06:57,376
that money you owe me
for the NCAA pool, do you?
90
00:06:57,376 --> 00:06:59,336
- Didn't I lose that thing?
- It's not about that.
91
00:06:59,336 --> 00:07:01,756
It's about office fun.
[CHUCKLES]
92
00:07:01,756 --> 00:07:05,259
My cat's got a cleft palate, is
allergic to some types of air.
93
00:07:05,259 --> 00:07:06,719
- Hey, Mike.
- Fuck off!
94
00:07:06,719 --> 00:07:09,138
All right. A little early
for that kind of language,
95
00:07:09,138 --> 00:07:11,474
but tomorrow works
for me too, buddy.
96
00:07:11,474 --> 00:07:13,184
- All right, well, see you.
- See you, Dave.
97
00:07:14,101 --> 00:07:15,352
Real nice, guys.
98
00:07:15,936 --> 00:07:17,980
No one pays Dave, he's gonna
stop running the pools.
99
00:07:17,980 --> 00:07:22,026
No, he's not. It's the only way
anyone ever talks to the guy.
100
00:07:22,026 --> 00:07:23,360
Tim!
101
00:07:23,360 --> 00:07:26,113
I thought you were working
on the Phallusite presentation.
102
00:07:26,113 --> 00:07:27,448
What's Phallusite?
103
00:07:28,282 --> 00:07:31,202
You kidding me? Have you guys
done any work today?
104
00:07:31,202 --> 00:07:32,328
No.
105
00:07:33,662 --> 00:07:34,622
AMANDA: Hey, boys.
106
00:07:34,789 --> 00:07:36,332
ALL: Hey!
107
00:07:36,332 --> 00:07:40,002
Damn! For head of HR,
you look fucking sexy.
108
00:07:40,002 --> 00:07:42,213
Too kind, too kind.
109
00:07:42,213 --> 00:07:45,424
- Mandy, can we please talk?
- Don't call me Mandy.
110
00:07:47,468 --> 00:07:48,636
[MACHINE BEEPING]
111
00:07:48,803 --> 00:07:50,763
Andrew, how was your weekend?
112
00:07:50,930 --> 00:07:53,516
Uh, it was good.
I banged my neighbor.
113
00:07:53,682 --> 00:07:55,309
Finally. All right!
114
00:07:55,309 --> 00:07:57,144
You're talking about
the hot Ukrainian chick?
115
00:07:57,144 --> 00:07:58,604
Uh, it was actually her mom.
116
00:07:58,604 --> 00:08:00,606
- That's decent. Proud of you.
- Mandy.
117
00:08:01,482 --> 00:08:04,777
Please, can we talk privately?
Just somewhere else.
118
00:08:04,944 --> 00:08:08,239
Why? This is
a corporate break room.
119
00:08:08,239 --> 00:08:10,783
Since we just have
a business relationship,
120
00:08:10,783 --> 00:08:13,953
then, whatever it is
that you need to say to me,
121
00:08:13,953 --> 00:08:17,623
you can say in front of
all of our business associates.
122
00:08:17,623 --> 00:08:18,833
Right?
123
00:08:19,708 --> 00:08:22,711
Okay, fine. All right.
Look, what happened... What I...
124
00:08:23,546 --> 00:08:26,423
I should have said,
okay, is that--
125
00:08:26,423 --> 00:08:29,385
Hey, congratulations
on that NCAA pool.
126
00:08:30,678 --> 00:08:32,888
Yeah, thanks.
You know, I actually hate Duke,
127
00:08:32,888 --> 00:08:34,306
but they win, so...
128
00:08:39,061 --> 00:08:41,105
Well, uh...
129
00:08:42,606 --> 00:08:44,233
You guys have a great day.
130
00:08:45,442 --> 00:08:48,779
Except for you. Hope yours
is a horrible piece of shit.
131
00:08:48,779 --> 00:08:52,158
- Well, not if yours isn't first.
- Right.
132
00:08:53,659 --> 00:08:55,995
Hey, I don't want to
overstep my bounds,
133
00:08:55,995 --> 00:08:58,164
but what the fuck! Jesus!
134
00:08:58,622 --> 00:08:59,915
I don't want to talk about it.
135
00:08:59,915 --> 00:09:03,169
Okay, that was just really
uncomfortable, that was like--
136
00:09:03,169 --> 00:09:05,421
I will. I know the story.
I'll totally talk about it.
137
00:09:09,550 --> 00:09:12,052
So, they're together.
Just the two of them, right?
138
00:09:15,556 --> 00:09:17,016
Evan.
139
00:09:18,809 --> 00:09:20,227
I love you.
140
00:09:22,438 --> 00:09:23,856
No.
141
00:09:29,820 --> 00:09:32,281
MIKE: [LAUGHS] How could you
just say no?
142
00:09:32,281 --> 00:09:34,325
You could have
said anything else,
143
00:09:34,325 --> 00:09:35,826
like literally anything.
144
00:09:35,826 --> 00:09:38,329
I can't even wrap my brain
145
00:09:38,329 --> 00:09:41,498
around the way, like,
you would say no.
146
00:09:41,498 --> 00:09:43,459
Fire! This could have been
the one time
147
00:09:43,459 --> 00:09:45,336
-you could have said fire.
- No.
148
00:09:45,336 --> 00:09:47,338
Could've called her a bitch,
that would have been better.
149
00:09:47,338 --> 00:09:49,298
- Just silence, just...
- No.
150
00:09:49,298 --> 00:09:51,300
You could have spoken
in tongues.
151
00:09:51,300 --> 00:09:54,386
You could have
[TALKS GIBBERISH]
152
00:09:54,386 --> 00:09:56,764
- Not even English. German!
- Nein.
153
00:09:56,764 --> 00:09:59,642
I get it, okay. I get it.
I understand.
154
00:09:59,642 --> 00:10:02,853
Yes, I screwed up.
I understand that, okay?
155
00:10:02,853 --> 00:10:05,940
It just kind of came out, guys.
I don't know what happened.
156
00:10:06,482 --> 00:10:08,359
I just screwed up.
157
00:10:08,359 --> 00:10:09,652
You did screw up, man.
158
00:10:09,652 --> 00:10:12,613
She is the coolest girl ever.
159
00:10:13,697 --> 00:10:16,116
I mean, remember when she kicked
all of our asses at paintball?
160
00:10:16,116 --> 00:10:19,662
Why did she have all that camo
on her face? Unreal.
161
00:10:19,662 --> 00:10:21,872
Honestly, I bet dating her
is like dating a guy.
162
00:10:22,414 --> 00:10:26,460
Who is like a hot chick that has
a, you know, like a penis.
163
00:10:28,712 --> 00:10:29,755
So, not a girl?
164
00:10:30,965 --> 00:10:33,634
No, still a girl. Did you not
listen to what I just said?
165
00:10:34,426 --> 00:10:36,095
- All right.
- No, it's a hot girl
166
00:10:36,095 --> 00:10:38,389
with a beautiful penis
but she's still...
167
00:10:38,389 --> 00:10:39,640
She's still a chick.
168
00:10:39,640 --> 00:10:41,225
She just has guy parts.
169
00:10:41,225 --> 00:10:43,644
- I-I get where you're going.
- It's a feminine penis.
170
00:10:44,561 --> 00:10:46,730
What if it was
a guy with a vagina?
171
00:10:46,730 --> 00:10:48,440
He makes a good point.
172
00:10:48,440 --> 00:10:49,817
[SIGHS]
173
00:10:51,110 --> 00:10:52,778
- I'm an idiot.
- Yeah.
174
00:10:52,778 --> 00:10:53,988
Yeah.
175
00:10:54,655 --> 00:10:59,326
You know, you and me,
a couple of margaritas.
176
00:10:59,827 --> 00:11:02,371
That is so offensive.
177
00:11:02,371 --> 00:11:03,914
Why? That isn't racist.
178
00:11:03,914 --> 00:11:06,041
I know it's not racist.
I like margaritas.
179
00:11:06,041 --> 00:11:08,585
I'm just offended
that you think I would date you.
180
00:11:08,752 --> 00:11:10,087
[PHONE RINGING]
181
00:11:10,254 --> 00:11:13,215
Has anyone seen Andrew? Andrew!
182
00:11:13,215 --> 00:11:15,676
Hey, Andrew, could you
please get your phone?
183
00:11:15,676 --> 00:11:17,011
It's ringing off the hook, man.
184
00:11:17,011 --> 00:11:19,638
Oh, probably one of my
185
00:11:19,638 --> 00:11:23,225
man-like 15 female suitors.
186
00:11:23,225 --> 00:11:25,269
Your suitors are man-like?
187
00:11:25,269 --> 00:11:27,438
No, no, no. I mean,
man-like man!
188
00:11:27,438 --> 00:11:31,775
Not man like man-like.
You know, man like man--
189
00:11:31,775 --> 00:11:33,610
Stop saying "man-like."
190
00:11:33,610 --> 00:11:36,572
Could you get your phone?
It's probably a sales call.
191
00:11:36,572 --> 00:11:38,949
Probably a business-related
sales call.
192
00:11:38,949 --> 00:11:42,369
I'll give you
the business-related later.
193
00:11:43,370 --> 00:11:45,372
I'll talk to him, okay?
194
00:11:45,372 --> 00:11:49,209
Uh, I heard what happened
with you and Amanda breaking up.
195
00:11:51,170 --> 00:11:52,296
Oh, you heard about that?
196
00:11:52,296 --> 00:11:54,173
Yeah, well,
she's the head of HR,
197
00:11:54,173 --> 00:11:56,258
and she put out a memo.
198
00:12:01,013 --> 00:12:02,765
- Um, I-I--
- All right.
199
00:12:03,515 --> 00:12:04,975
Andrew, get the phone!
200
00:12:05,809 --> 00:12:09,021
- Evan. Can I bend your ear?
- Yeah. Hey.
201
00:12:09,188 --> 00:12:10,731
How's the presentation coming?
202
00:12:10,731 --> 00:12:12,107
You're gonna be ready by Friday?
203
00:12:12,107 --> 00:12:15,444
Yeah, Friday.
Yeah, sure, Ted. Yeah.
204
00:12:15,444 --> 00:12:17,279
Yeah, we need
this account, Evan.
205
00:12:17,279 --> 00:12:18,739
Sales have been bad,
206
00:12:18,739 --> 00:12:22,701
but if we land this fish,
you'll save all our asses.
207
00:12:22,701 --> 00:12:23,786
Yeah.
208
00:12:23,786 --> 00:12:24,995
I know male enhancement
209
00:12:24,995 --> 00:12:27,706
isn't the most glamorous product
in the world but...
210
00:12:27,706 --> 00:12:31,418
No. My sources tell me
it works actually.
211
00:12:31,418 --> 00:12:32,961
Tell me if you need anything,
212
00:12:32,961 --> 00:12:35,005
'cause it's all hands on deck
on this one.
213
00:12:35,005 --> 00:12:36,548
Yeah.
214
00:12:36,548 --> 00:12:39,051
I'm making a pretty big
announcement today
215
00:12:39,218 --> 00:12:41,720
about the next phase of
our company's future.
216
00:12:41,720 --> 00:12:44,264
I need to know you're
gonna be a team player,
217
00:12:44,264 --> 00:12:45,682
no matter what.
218
00:12:46,558 --> 00:12:50,229
Yeah. Yeah, Ted.
You can count on me.
219
00:12:51,480 --> 00:12:53,148
My office, 10 minutes.
220
00:12:53,148 --> 00:12:54,233
All right.
221
00:13:10,249 --> 00:13:11,959
Hey, guys. Guys, guess what?
222
00:13:11,959 --> 00:13:13,544
I think Ted's gonna
make me sales manager.
223
00:13:13,544 --> 00:13:15,546
ALL: Oh!
224
00:13:15,546 --> 00:13:17,506
Bam! Snap!
225
00:13:18,173 --> 00:13:19,299
What?
226
00:13:21,135 --> 00:13:24,596
Bam, snap. It's like,
a new catchphrase I'm trying.
227
00:13:25,472 --> 00:13:27,683
- Yeah, it's not really working.
- It's a work in progress.
228
00:13:28,767 --> 00:13:30,394
- I love it.
- Thank you, Mike.
229
00:13:30,394 --> 00:13:31,728
Yeah, yeah, yeah!
230
00:13:31,728 --> 00:13:33,355
I'm still working on
the inflection but...
231
00:13:33,355 --> 00:13:35,107
- Ted's office in 10.
- It's a catchphrase.
232
00:13:35,274 --> 00:13:36,859
I feel like everyone
needs one in the office.
233
00:13:36,859 --> 00:13:38,569
- That's why...
- Yeah, it's good though.
234
00:13:38,569 --> 00:13:42,030
Yeah. We really need to start
bringing fruit into this.
235
00:13:42,030 --> 00:13:43,532
- We can eat it.
- I'm not ready for fruit.
236
00:13:47,911 --> 00:13:48,996
[KNOCK AT DOOR]
237
00:13:48,996 --> 00:13:52,207
Hey, Amanda. Mandy. Amanda.
238
00:13:52,207 --> 00:13:54,376
Uh, sorry. Sorry to bother you,
239
00:13:54,376 --> 00:13:56,545
but Ted wants everyone
in his office.
240
00:13:57,421 --> 00:14:00,716
He's got an announcement
to make, I guess.
241
00:14:00,716 --> 00:14:02,468
- Okay, got it.
- Okay.
242
00:14:04,928 --> 00:14:08,015
I think he's gonna make me
sales manager. [CHUCKLES]
243
00:14:08,015 --> 00:14:09,850
- Is that so?
- Yeah.
244
00:14:10,476 --> 00:14:12,019
Finally get that promotion.
245
00:14:13,479 --> 00:14:15,731
It's kinda crazy.
I can't believe it.
246
00:14:15,731 --> 00:14:18,567
It is so adult.
Manager, you know?
247
00:14:18,567 --> 00:14:20,986
I feel like it was just,
you know,
248
00:14:20,986 --> 00:14:24,615
yesterday when we were kids,
just laughing
249
00:14:24,615 --> 00:14:27,534
and just saying stupid stuff.
250
00:14:28,035 --> 00:14:32,414
And now,
we're looking after the kids.
251
00:14:33,457 --> 00:14:36,710
Right? You know, I was listening
to NPR this morning.
252
00:14:36,710 --> 00:14:38,879
They were talking about
the monogamy of gibbons,
253
00:14:39,046 --> 00:14:42,799
and it's just the cutest thing
I've ever seen.
254
00:14:42,799 --> 00:14:45,177
Or heard. It was on the radio,
255
00:14:45,344 --> 00:14:47,846
but they had these sound bites,
you know? They're
256
00:14:48,472 --> 00:14:52,184
a little chirping, you know.
These sweet monkey nothings--
257
00:14:52,351 --> 00:14:53,977
Evan. I have some things to do.
258
00:14:53,977 --> 00:14:56,855
- So if you'll excuse me.
- Yeah, I'm gonna... Okay.
259
00:14:56,855 --> 00:14:59,608
- Uh, check in five.
- Right.
260
00:15:05,697 --> 00:15:09,493
So, I'm sorry to say
without major improvements,
261
00:15:09,493 --> 00:15:11,203
we're gonna have to start
laying some people off.
262
00:15:11,370 --> 00:15:12,538
[COUGHS] Mike!
263
00:15:13,789 --> 00:15:15,332
It's time for a change.
264
00:15:16,333 --> 00:15:21,004
Corporate [SIGHS] thinks we need
an official sales manager again.
265
00:15:21,922 --> 00:15:24,007
And I couldn't agree more.
266
00:15:24,007 --> 00:15:27,928
So I'm proud to announce
our new manager of sales,
267
00:15:27,928 --> 00:15:29,346
Max Phillips.
268
00:15:30,055 --> 00:15:31,181
[SMATTERING OF APPLAUSE]
269
00:15:31,807 --> 00:15:34,893
- No, no, no. Not Max.
- Who the hell is Max?
270
00:15:34,893 --> 00:15:36,144
What the hell is
going on right now?
271
00:15:36,144 --> 00:15:38,146
Max, Evan and I
went to college together.
272
00:15:38,146 --> 00:15:39,147
It's kind of a long story.
273
00:15:39,523 --> 00:15:41,233
- Hey, Evan.
- Sup? [THUD]
274
00:15:41,233 --> 00:15:43,652
- That wasn't a long story.
-No.
275
00:15:43,652 --> 00:15:47,322
Oh, did I mention that Max
slept with Evan's girlfriend,
276
00:15:47,322 --> 00:15:49,616
so Evan had Max kicked out
of school for cheating,
277
00:15:49,616 --> 00:15:51,368
so Max punched Evan in the face?
278
00:15:51,660 --> 00:15:53,870
No. You skipped all that.
279
00:15:53,870 --> 00:15:55,372
Question.
280
00:15:56,415 --> 00:15:58,000
- What do we sell here?
- Shake weights.
281
00:15:58,000 --> 00:16:00,043
- Power mustaches.
- The Abinatrix.
282
00:16:00,043 --> 00:16:02,754
No, Michael. We sell dreams.
283
00:16:02,754 --> 00:16:03,839
[WHISPERS] He knows my name.
284
00:16:03,839 --> 00:16:07,009
Sales is... seduction.
285
00:16:07,968 --> 00:16:10,679
And when you seduce,
286
00:16:10,679 --> 00:16:13,098
do you say, "I have a 401k"?
287
00:16:13,098 --> 00:16:15,142
Or "I floss"? No.
288
00:16:16,143 --> 00:16:17,436
You say...
289
00:16:19,646 --> 00:16:21,064
"I love you."
290
00:16:21,815 --> 00:16:22,858
[CLEARS THROAT]
291
00:16:25,319 --> 00:16:27,738
Because people make
decisions from the heart.
292
00:16:27,738 --> 00:16:29,865
If you wanna sell
a bunch of useless crap
293
00:16:29,865 --> 00:16:31,992
to fat losers in Alabama
294
00:16:32,159 --> 00:16:34,703
and bored housewives in Iowa,
295
00:16:34,703 --> 00:16:36,955
feed their dreams.
296
00:16:37,623 --> 00:16:38,957
Convince them.
297
00:16:39,625 --> 00:16:43,420
Their lives can transcend the
pointless slog of being human.
298
00:16:44,379 --> 00:16:47,549
Give them hope, open their eyes
299
00:16:47,549 --> 00:16:51,637
to something... bigger.
300
00:16:52,554 --> 00:16:57,309
Sink your teeth
into their poor pathetic lives.
301
00:16:58,602 --> 00:17:00,604
And give them life.
302
00:17:02,022 --> 00:17:04,107
And better abs. [CHUCKLES]
303
00:17:04,941 --> 00:17:08,779
Our goal for this month is...
304
00:17:10,572 --> 00:17:12,491
one million dollars in sales.
305
00:17:12,908 --> 00:17:15,077
It's aggressive, yes,
306
00:17:15,077 --> 00:17:17,204
but I'm confident we can hit it.
307
00:17:18,872 --> 00:17:22,334
And if we don't, Ted and I
have already agreed...
308
00:17:24,127 --> 00:17:26,046
we'll be forced
to kill all of you.
309
00:17:26,213 --> 00:17:27,506
[NERVOUS LAUGHTER]
310
00:17:27,714 --> 00:17:29,383
So you better do what he says.
311
00:17:31,927 --> 00:17:34,805
So, come on, let's get out there
and get selling.
312
00:17:36,390 --> 00:17:38,934
- What the hell, Ted?
- Now, hold on a minute.
313
00:17:39,393 --> 00:17:41,061
No one ever
promised you that job.
314
00:17:41,061 --> 00:17:44,856
Oh, yeah, I-I know,
but Max Phillips?
315
00:17:44,856 --> 00:17:47,609
He's got an MBA.
He's got a great track record.
316
00:17:47,609 --> 00:17:49,069
He comes highly recommended.
317
00:17:49,069 --> 00:17:52,155
He has some very
interesting ideas for new hires.
318
00:17:52,155 --> 00:17:54,616
Honestly, we're lucky
to have him.
319
00:17:56,743 --> 00:17:59,371
How did you... Of all...
320
00:17:59,538 --> 00:18:01,665
Now, this isn't gonna be
a problem, now, is it?
321
00:18:02,582 --> 00:18:05,627
- You working for Max?
- No. No!
322
00:18:05,627 --> 00:18:07,087
Of course not, I just...
323
00:18:07,087 --> 00:18:09,673
I would have liked
a legitimate crack at the job
324
00:18:09,673 --> 00:18:12,342
before you brought in
someone else.
325
00:18:14,344 --> 00:18:18,598
Look. I like you, Evan.
I really do.
326
00:18:18,598 --> 00:18:21,143
I mean, you show up
for work on time.
327
00:18:21,309 --> 00:18:22,728
You work hard.
328
00:18:22,728 --> 00:18:24,688
You legitimately give a shit.
329
00:18:24,688 --> 00:18:26,732
Thank you. I do!
330
00:18:26,732 --> 00:18:28,358
It's like I used to tell
the bench players
331
00:18:28,358 --> 00:18:29,651
back when I coached football,
332
00:18:29,651 --> 00:18:31,445
"The most important people
in the team
333
00:18:31,445 --> 00:18:33,655
"are the ones who make
the starters try."
334
00:18:34,406 --> 00:18:36,658
Now, you get out there.
There you go.
335
00:18:47,794 --> 00:18:49,463
Thank you, Jerry.
336
00:18:51,047 --> 00:18:53,049
Those are the
employee files I requested?
337
00:18:53,049 --> 00:18:55,844
Oh, yes, I think so.
338
00:18:55,844 --> 00:18:58,013
It might be helpful if you
were a little more specific
339
00:18:58,013 --> 00:18:59,931
about exactly what it is
you're looking for.
340
00:18:59,931 --> 00:19:04,603
Listen, Amanda, I know
you and Evan have a history,
341
00:19:04,603 --> 00:19:06,813
and I know that
you care about him.
342
00:19:07,481 --> 00:19:11,359
Uh... I'm the head of HR.
343
00:19:11,359 --> 00:19:14,821
So, it's highly inappropriate
for me to discuss this--
344
00:19:14,821 --> 00:19:16,490
Sure, sure, sure.
I'll tell you what.
345
00:19:16,656 --> 00:19:17,949
[EERIE MUSIC]
346
00:19:17,949 --> 00:19:21,953
After I settle in, you and I can
347
00:19:21,953 --> 00:19:24,456
schedule some one-on-one
and get to know each other.
348
00:19:25,248 --> 00:19:26,875
Yeah, that sounds nice.
349
00:19:27,834 --> 00:19:30,462
- Hey, buddy.
- Um...
350
00:19:31,171 --> 00:19:32,923
Just a little HR talk.
Thanks, Mandy.
351
00:19:32,923 --> 00:19:34,966
- We'll circle...
- Hey, that's my...
352
00:19:34,966 --> 00:19:36,676
Where are you taking
Fuzz Aldrin?
353
00:19:40,388 --> 00:19:42,724
Fuzz Aldrin, the janitor has...
Why?
354
00:19:42,724 --> 00:19:44,392
Long time no see. Am I right?
355
00:19:48,897 --> 00:19:53,109
Listen, Evan. I know you and I
had a little falling out.
356
00:19:53,109 --> 00:19:55,779
But as far as I'm concerned,
357
00:19:55,779 --> 00:19:57,364
water under the bridge.
358
00:19:58,323 --> 00:19:59,991
- Ancient history.
- Okay, good--
359
00:19:59,991 --> 00:20:01,493
It's all about
the company now, right?
360
00:20:01,660 --> 00:20:03,453
- Wait--
- I knew I could count on you.
361
00:20:04,663 --> 00:20:05,747
This is mine--
362
00:20:05,747 --> 00:20:08,583
MIKE: Boom shaka laka.
Who's the noob now, bitch?
363
00:20:09,459 --> 00:20:10,877
Oh, now you wanna be
a little kid.
364
00:20:10,877 --> 00:20:13,171
Okay. Well, you can cry
all night long
365
00:20:13,171 --> 00:20:15,590
'cause you just got
your ass whupped by a grownup
366
00:20:15,590 --> 00:20:17,008
with a big-ass dick.
367
00:20:18,260 --> 00:20:21,054
I'm gonna kill you.
368
00:20:22,097 --> 00:20:24,266
[ROARING]
369
00:20:30,230 --> 00:20:31,815
[SNARLING]
370
00:20:37,070 --> 00:20:38,154
Yeah.
371
00:20:39,072 --> 00:20:41,950
Yeah. No, I'mma fuck you up.
I'm gonna fuck...
372
00:20:43,076 --> 00:20:44,244
you UP-
373
00:20:44,244 --> 00:20:47,455
Yeah, I see you.
Fuckin' eat that shit.
374
00:20:48,456 --> 00:20:49,916
Hey.
[GASPS]
375
00:20:50,959 --> 00:20:55,422
Jesus, man! You gotta fucking
warn someone before you do that.
376
00:20:55,422 --> 00:20:56,798
Office hours are over.
377
00:20:57,048 --> 00:20:59,759
Yeah, well,
high-speed internet's free,
378
00:20:59,759 --> 00:21:01,845
and Elaine left
her Souplantation in the fridge.
379
00:21:01,845 --> 00:21:05,056
So, velvet rope off
this motherfucker right here
380
00:21:05,223 --> 00:21:07,851
because this is gonna be
my own personal club tonight.
381
00:21:07,851 --> 00:21:09,561
- Okay.
- Oh.
382
00:21:09,728 --> 00:21:11,396
And I'm gonna be dialing up
some Youjizz
383
00:21:11,396 --> 00:21:13,565
and busting out some knuckle
children in a couple of minutes
384
00:21:13,565 --> 00:21:16,401
so unless you wanna mop me up
here and here
385
00:21:16,401 --> 00:21:18,570
and here
and a little bit here
386
00:21:18,737 --> 00:21:20,488
-and some over here--
- I'll go take a smoke break.
387
00:21:22,449 --> 00:21:23,909
[ROAR ON TV]
388
00:21:24,826 --> 00:21:27,078
Oh, yeah, I'm back.
Oh, are the tears back?
389
00:21:27,412 --> 00:21:29,998
Good. Yeah, take that.
390
00:21:29,998 --> 00:21:33,460
Oh. Oh-ho.
I hear the tears already coming.
391
00:21:33,460 --> 00:21:35,462
[ROARING]
392
00:21:41,092 --> 00:21:42,344
What the shit?
393
00:21:44,262 --> 00:21:45,972
I'm gonna go take a dump now.
394
00:21:47,599 --> 00:21:49,809
If anyone wanna steal something
from this company,
395
00:21:49,809 --> 00:21:52,520
I'd be gone way too long
to do anything about it.
396
00:21:58,526 --> 00:22:01,529
[PANTING]
397
00:22:01,529 --> 00:22:02,489
[CLEARS THROAT]
398
00:22:14,376 --> 00:22:16,795
[CELLPHONE RING TONE PLAYING]
399
00:22:23,510 --> 00:22:24,469
Ha.
400
00:22:24,886 --> 00:22:27,013
[CHUCKLING NERVOUSLY]
Hilarious, man.
401
00:22:27,973 --> 00:22:30,809
Turning the lights out
on the guy in the shitter, man.
402
00:22:32,185 --> 00:22:34,646
You must be some kind
of a prank savant, right?
403
00:22:39,359 --> 00:22:40,944
[LOUD THUD]
404
00:22:43,279 --> 00:22:46,157
All right, man. Whoever's doing
this better knock it off.
405
00:22:46,491 --> 00:22:48,201
[LOUD THUD]
406
00:22:58,837 --> 00:23:01,339
[WHIMPERING]
407
00:23:01,339 --> 00:23:06,511
[SCREAMING]
408
00:23:07,512 --> 00:23:08,680
[CAR BEEPS]
409
00:23:21,026 --> 00:23:22,277
Colonel Sanders.
410
00:23:22,444 --> 00:23:24,946
Still hilarious.
Hey, is Mike here already?
411
00:23:24,946 --> 00:23:27,407
- His car is in the garage.
- That's a negative, sir.
412
00:23:27,407 --> 00:23:29,409
- Do you know who Mike is?
- That's a negative, sir.
413
00:23:29,409 --> 00:23:30,660
How do you know he's not here?
414
00:23:30,660 --> 00:23:32,203
I unlocked the doors myself
at 0600,
415
00:23:32,203 --> 00:23:34,456
and no unfamiliars
have penetrated my perimeter,
416
00:23:34,456 --> 00:23:35,623
I've been on full alert.
417
00:23:35,623 --> 00:23:37,167
[IN DISTINCT RADIO CHATTER]
418
00:23:38,918 --> 00:23:41,046
So, full alert, huh?
419
00:23:44,466 --> 00:23:46,384
I believe I know this cat, sir.
420
00:23:48,970 --> 00:23:51,347
[RADIO CHATTER CONTINUES]
421
00:23:51,347 --> 00:23:55,852
Okay, uh, at ease
or carry on.
422
00:24:05,487 --> 00:24:07,072
Nah, I must be dreaming.
423
00:24:08,198 --> 00:24:11,159
Max called me at 6 a.m.
this morning to come in early.
424
00:24:12,118 --> 00:24:15,747
I haven't been up before dawn
since straight is great camp
425
00:24:16,289 --> 00:24:17,248
What?
426
00:24:17,415 --> 00:24:19,793
I wasn't gay. They just had
a really good archery program.
427
00:24:20,210 --> 00:24:21,836
All right. So you've told me.
428
00:24:21,836 --> 00:24:23,755
This situation sucks, dude.
429
00:24:24,255 --> 00:24:26,132
I mean, we gotta do
something about this, right?
430
00:24:26,132 --> 00:24:28,218
I mean, can you believe how much
they've screwed us here?
431
00:24:28,218 --> 00:24:29,385
Us?
432
00:24:29,385 --> 00:24:32,555
Yeah. I mean, I was all ready
for you to become sales manager.
433
00:24:32,931 --> 00:24:34,307
I wanted that for you, man.
434
00:24:34,307 --> 00:24:37,143
'Cause what's better than having
your best friend as your boss?
435
00:24:37,143 --> 00:24:38,520
- Yeah.
- Now then...
436
00:24:38,520 --> 00:24:40,355
I mean, I would have gotten away
with everything.
437
00:24:41,064 --> 00:24:42,315
But now...
438
00:24:44,275 --> 00:24:45,777
I mean, you get me, man.
439
00:24:46,319 --> 00:24:50,198
You know? You allow me to be me
in the workplace.
440
00:24:50,198 --> 00:24:51,866
- Useless slacker.
- Exactly.
441
00:24:51,866 --> 00:24:53,660
- Worthless.
- Yeah.
442
00:24:53,660 --> 00:24:55,954
- Gotta have one.
- I mean, look at me, man.
443
00:24:56,955 --> 00:24:57,956
Look at me.
444
00:25:00,500 --> 00:25:03,670
My perfect routine
is broken.
445
00:25:05,171 --> 00:25:07,966
Yeah, you, you are
the real victim here.
446
00:25:09,342 --> 00:25:10,343
I know.
447
00:25:11,136 --> 00:25:14,514
But hey, man.
You got hosed too, kinda.
448
00:25:15,473 --> 00:25:16,558
Oh.
449
00:25:17,225 --> 00:25:18,560
By the way...
450
00:25:24,524 --> 00:25:25,775
No.
451
00:25:25,775 --> 00:25:30,238
No. You gotta be fucking
kidding me. This is my desk now?
452
00:25:30,238 --> 00:25:33,867
Well, officially, it's still
a photoprinter's desk.
453
00:25:35,326 --> 00:25:36,870
But you can share it.
454
00:25:40,165 --> 00:25:41,499
Do I get a chair?
455
00:25:42,000 --> 00:25:45,211
[THUDDING]
456
00:25:48,923 --> 00:25:53,094
[SCREAMING]
457
00:25:53,094 --> 00:25:56,055
Holy fucking shit!
458
00:25:57,640 --> 00:25:59,184
[GAGGING]
459
00:25:59,184 --> 00:26:01,561
We're gonna get this place
lean and mean, Theodore.
460
00:26:01,561 --> 00:26:03,521
We are gonna separate
the meat from the tallow.
461
00:26:03,688 --> 00:26:05,273
We're going--
462
00:26:05,273 --> 00:26:06,482
Mike is dead.
463
00:26:07,233 --> 00:26:09,694
- Mike is fucking dead!
- What?
464
00:26:09,861 --> 00:26:11,654
Mike is dead
in the fucking bathroom.
465
00:26:11,654 --> 00:26:13,740
I went in there,
and someone ate his...
466
00:26:13,740 --> 00:26:16,492
I don't know. I just had to go.
I just needed to go.
467
00:26:16,492 --> 00:26:19,037
Jesus Christ, I'll never
take a shit again.
468
00:26:19,204 --> 00:26:22,123
Evan, Evan, slow down.
What's up now?
469
00:26:23,124 --> 00:26:24,125
Mike...
470
00:26:25,335 --> 00:26:27,879
Eaten... Dead...
471
00:26:27,879 --> 00:26:29,339
The bathroom.
472
00:26:30,089 --> 00:26:31,382
Ted, call security.
473
00:26:32,592 --> 00:26:34,260
I still have to go.
474
00:26:36,596 --> 00:26:38,640
- Hey, Frank , we have to have--
- Code one emergency.
475
00:26:38,640 --> 00:26:42,227
The forty dollars you owe me
for the NCAA tournament pool.
476
00:26:43,102 --> 00:26:46,314
I'd join ya,
but I gotta get these papers.
477
00:26:46,314 --> 00:26:47,982
Wait! Wait, wait, wait.
478
00:26:47,982 --> 00:26:49,651
Don't open the door.
479
00:26:49,651 --> 00:26:53,279
I'm-I'm sorry. I just,
I need to warn you.
480
00:26:53,279 --> 00:26:56,407
I hope you all have
strong stomachs.
481
00:26:56,991 --> 00:26:58,576
- Oh, boy.
-[WHISTLES]
482
00:26:58,576 --> 00:27:01,162
That's disgusting.
I'll clean it again. It's--
483
00:27:02,497 --> 00:27:04,165
What? No .
484
00:27:05,124 --> 00:27:08,670
No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
I-I...
485
00:27:09,420 --> 00:27:13,883
I am telling you, this stall
was a fucking horror show.
486
00:27:13,883 --> 00:27:15,885
Evan, this isn't some way
487
00:27:15,885 --> 00:27:18,346
of stalling on the Phallusite
presentation, is it?
488
00:27:18,346 --> 00:27:22,392
- The what? What?
- The Phallusite presentation.
489
00:27:22,392 --> 00:27:24,102
It's tomorrow.
If you're not ready--
490
00:27:24,102 --> 00:27:25,853
No, no. I just...
I-I...
491
00:27:25,853 --> 00:27:28,398
I'm not, I'm not ready yet,
all right? I'm not...
492
00:27:28,564 --> 00:27:30,650
It will be ready, okay?
It will...
493
00:27:32,026 --> 00:27:34,237
- Mike!
- I'll deal with Mike
494
00:27:34,237 --> 00:27:36,572
whenever he decides
to roll in to work today.
495
00:27:37,240 --> 00:27:39,200
You just keep your eye
on the ball, huh?
496
00:27:39,200 --> 00:27:40,618
We're counting on you, slugger.
497
00:27:40,785 --> 00:27:41,869
[CLICKS TONGUE]
498
00:27:47,834 --> 00:27:52,130
No. No.
What the fuck!
499
00:27:58,761 --> 00:27:59,971
Permission to speak freely.
500
00:27:59,971 --> 00:28:03,349
Jesus Christ, Frank. Can we drop
the whole chain of command bit?
501
00:28:03,349 --> 00:28:05,977
I'm just not in the mood.
502
00:28:06,561 --> 00:28:09,480
You were right.
Someone drew first blood.
503
00:28:19,907 --> 00:28:21,909
I need to talk to you.
504
00:28:21,909 --> 00:28:24,912
Evan, if this is about us,
I just can't at work. I have--
505
00:28:24,912 --> 00:28:26,622
Mike is dead.
506
00:28:26,622 --> 00:28:27,623
What?
507
00:28:28,249 --> 00:28:30,877
I found him in the men's room.
He was propped up in the stall
508
00:28:30,877 --> 00:28:33,254
like some fucked up marionette.
509
00:28:33,254 --> 00:28:36,174
There was blood everywhere.
And then I went to get help,
510
00:28:36,174 --> 00:28:37,633
and he was gone.
511
00:28:39,469 --> 00:28:42,305
Oh, my God. I can't believe
you're doing this right now.
512
00:28:42,305 --> 00:28:45,892
Doing what? Mike was dead
in the bathroom.
513
00:28:45,892 --> 00:28:47,435
Did anyone else see the body?
514
00:28:47,435 --> 00:28:50,355
Well, no. I-I-I went
to get help
515
00:28:50,355 --> 00:28:51,856
and then when I came back,
he was gone.
516
00:28:51,856 --> 00:28:55,193
Jesus! Evan, he's fucking
with you. It's Mike.
517
00:28:55,193 --> 00:28:56,819
He's probably doing it
as a joke.
518
00:28:56,819 --> 00:28:58,946
Let's not forget
he's a complete asshole, okay?
519
00:29:00,406 --> 00:29:04,077
Yeah, he is kind of an asshole,
but I-I-I don't know.
520
00:29:04,077 --> 00:29:06,871
- This looked pretty real.
- Okay.
521
00:29:06,871 --> 00:29:10,458
All right, let's, uh, let's
consider the possibilities then.
522
00:29:10,458 --> 00:29:13,378
Option one,
somebody murdered Mike,
523
00:29:13,378 --> 00:29:15,046
left him in the bathroom
and then moved
524
00:29:15,213 --> 00:29:16,964
the body when you went
to get help.
525
00:29:16,964 --> 00:29:18,591
Well, when you put it that way--
526
00:29:18,591 --> 00:29:22,720
Or option two is that the most
obnoxious prick in the office
527
00:29:22,720 --> 00:29:26,015
who would rather do anything
other than actually work,
528
00:29:26,015 --> 00:29:27,433
played a practical joke on you.
529
00:29:28,643 --> 00:29:30,144
Okay, now I'm gonna kill him.
530
00:29:30,144 --> 00:29:32,021
Yeah, well, you've got
bigger fish to fry.
531
00:29:33,231 --> 00:29:35,149
Okay, Max is cleaning house.
532
00:29:35,149 --> 00:29:37,443
Mike was probably getting fired
even before the first stunt.
533
00:29:41,155 --> 00:29:43,533
I have to nail
that presentation.
534
00:29:43,533 --> 00:29:44,575
Yeah.
535
00:29:46,744 --> 00:29:47,745
[CLEARS THROAT]
536
00:29:48,621 --> 00:29:50,915
Thank you. Thank you.
537
00:29:51,416 --> 00:29:52,959
- Hup, hup, hup, hup.
- Hup, hup, hup, hup.
538
00:29:52,959 --> 00:29:54,377
Don't you two have
some work to do?
539
00:29:54,377 --> 00:29:55,545
- Not really.
- Not really.
540
00:29:55,545 --> 00:29:57,630
- Hup, hup, hup, hup.
- Hup, hup, hup, hup.
541
00:30:00,383 --> 00:30:01,968
- Dave, right?
- Yeah.
542
00:30:01,968 --> 00:30:04,178
I hear you're the guy
to talk to about office pools.
543
00:30:04,178 --> 00:30:06,097
- Yeah.
- Company sports czar.
544
00:30:06,097 --> 00:30:07,932
It's so weird. I have to try
to get people
545
00:30:07,932 --> 00:30:09,308
-to call me that around here.
- Oh, yeah?
546
00:30:09,517 --> 00:30:12,061
I should probably quit though.
My cat, Puddles, he
547
00:30:12,270 --> 00:30:14,105
gets really jealous when I spend
too much time on,
548
00:30:14,272 --> 00:30:15,523
his diabetes is acting up.
549
00:30:15,690 --> 00:30:17,024
Oh, nonsense.
550
00:30:17,024 --> 00:30:19,152
Morale is vital to the health
of any company.
551
00:30:20,194 --> 00:30:22,113
And you make
an important contribution.
552
00:30:22,280 --> 00:30:24,532
Let's pop into my man-cave, and
you can give me the Vegas tips
553
00:30:24,532 --> 00:30:27,452
on the NBA playoffs and dirt
on upcoming events, you know?
554
00:30:27,452 --> 00:30:28,494
Don't hit me.
555
00:30:29,328 --> 00:30:30,413
Man stuff, all right.
556
00:30:30,413 --> 00:30:31,539
- All right.
- Come on.
557
00:30:31,539 --> 00:30:33,749
I got all sorts of ideas
for other office pools.
558
00:30:33,749 --> 00:30:37,128
Competitive curling,
fantasy fishing, ant bite...
559
00:30:37,128 --> 00:30:43,593
- Hup, hup, hup, hup.
- Hup, hup, hup, hup.
560
00:30:43,593 --> 00:30:44,719
Dude, the record.
561
00:30:45,553 --> 00:30:46,596
What's up, man.
You all right?
562
00:30:48,139 --> 00:30:49,182
I...
563
00:30:49,932 --> 00:30:51,684
I don't know. I don't know.
564
00:30:52,977 --> 00:30:56,272
Right now, I'm just
trying to avoid getting fired.
565
00:30:57,106 --> 00:30:59,150
That's smart.
That's a good plan.
566
00:30:59,317 --> 00:31:01,194
- Welcome to the club, right?
- Right.
567
00:31:01,194 --> 00:31:03,529
- Hup, hup, hup, hup.
- Hup, hup, hup, hup.
568
00:31:03,529 --> 00:31:04,655
- Hup, hup, hup--
-Hup, hup, hup--
569
00:31:10,036 --> 00:31:13,164
I want my $20
for the NCAA tournament pool.
570
00:31:13,164 --> 00:31:15,958
- I told you, man. I...
- No excuses!
571
00:31:15,958 --> 00:31:17,543
You gambled, you lost.
572
00:31:17,960 --> 00:31:19,587
Now pay for your failures.
573
00:31:20,087 --> 00:31:21,547
You need to chill out, Brian.
574
00:31:21,547 --> 00:31:25,551
I will chill when I have
your $20 as well, Tim.
575
00:31:25,551 --> 00:31:28,804
You have until 5 o'clock.
Don't make me come find you.
576
00:31:29,347 --> 00:31:33,017
Evan, thank you for your
thoughtful and prompt payment.
577
00:31:33,017 --> 00:31:34,560
It shall not be forgotten.
578
00:31:36,437 --> 00:31:37,480
I...
579
00:31:40,733 --> 00:31:42,443
What the fuck was that?
580
00:31:42,443 --> 00:31:44,195
I didn't even enter
that pool.
581
00:31:44,195 --> 00:31:48,282
Ah, shit. Mike's computer's
password protected.
582
00:31:48,282 --> 00:31:49,492
That's probably a good thing.
583
00:31:49,492 --> 00:31:51,160
There's an insane amount
of porn on that.
584
00:31:51,160 --> 00:31:52,161
Uh...
585
00:31:52,995 --> 00:31:55,039
How the hell am I gonna get
those sales figures?
586
00:31:55,039 --> 00:31:57,833
You mean, you want
all the numbers, like...
587
00:31:57,833 --> 00:32:00,211
Yeah, yeah. The spreadsheets
are on Mike's computer
588
00:32:00,378 --> 00:32:01,879
and that's locked, so--
589
00:32:01,879 --> 00:32:03,089
Oh, you don't have the password?
590
00:32:03,089 --> 00:32:05,841
No, no. You know, I don't
wanna know the password,
591
00:32:05,841 --> 00:32:08,678
so I'm gonna have to rebuild
the excel files from scratch.
592
00:32:08,678 --> 00:32:11,138
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I can
totally help, you know.
593
00:32:11,138 --> 00:32:12,932
Especially after what
Ted did to you.
594
00:32:12,932 --> 00:32:14,475
That was just so horrible.
595
00:32:14,475 --> 00:32:16,602
I know. Right? Yeah.
596
00:32:16,602 --> 00:32:18,062
You must be having
such a horrible day.
597
00:32:18,229 --> 00:32:19,564
So you think
you can help me out?
598
00:32:19,564 --> 00:32:21,107
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
599
00:32:21,107 --> 00:32:24,402
I could totally go down
to the basement, and, um...
600
00:32:24,402 --> 00:32:26,612
-grab the files for you.
- That's great.
601
00:32:26,612 --> 00:32:30,032
You're a lifesaver, Zabs. Go-go
do that, and then we'll talk.
602
00:32:30,032 --> 00:32:31,909
- Okay
- Okay. Bye-DYE-
603
00:32:31,909 --> 00:32:33,452
Bye. Run along.
604
00:32:33,452 --> 00:32:34,954
- Hup, hup, hup, hup.
- Hup, hup, hup, hup.
605
00:32:34,954 --> 00:32:36,414
- Hup, hup, hup.
- Hup, hup, hup.
606
00:32:36,414 --> 00:32:37,415
[THUD]
607
00:32:37,582 --> 00:32:39,041
- God.
- MAN: Little help.
608
00:32:43,421 --> 00:32:44,797
Really? Uh...
609
00:32:45,798 --> 00:32:46,966
Oh!
610
00:32:50,469 --> 00:32:51,554
[SIGHS]
611
00:32:57,268 --> 00:32:58,561
Ev- Evan?
612
00:33:01,439 --> 00:33:03,232
Okay.
[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]
613
00:33:03,232 --> 00:33:04,400
[GRUNTS]
614
00:33:06,027 --> 00:33:07,486
[CLOTH RIPS]
Oh, shit.
615
00:33:07,486 --> 00:33:09,280
I just got this skirt.
616
00:33:10,072 --> 00:33:11,198
Come on.
617
00:33:12,575 --> 00:33:15,911
[SCREAMING]
618
00:33:16,078 --> 00:33:18,331
Please, it's not the world.
It's just one night.
619
00:33:18,331 --> 00:33:19,457
I have kick ball.
620
00:33:19,457 --> 00:33:20,750
And you're starting
pitcher tonight.
621
00:33:20,750 --> 00:33:22,585
I'm on that team.
I never get to go.
622
00:33:22,585 --> 00:33:24,587
- He's terrible.
- God damn, Tim!
623
00:33:24,587 --> 00:33:26,213
All right. Wh-what do I get
if I stay?
624
00:33:26,213 --> 00:33:27,673
My undying gratitude.
625
00:33:27,673 --> 00:33:29,675
The respect and admiration
of your peers.
626
00:33:29,675 --> 00:33:31,344
- It's not me.
- Come on, man.
627
00:33:31,344 --> 00:33:33,471
- Something valuable.
- Precious gems.
628
00:33:34,013 --> 00:33:35,181
Straight-up cash.
629
00:33:35,181 --> 00:33:36,932
If we land the account,
all the Phallusite
630
00:33:36,932 --> 00:33:38,184
you'll ever need, free.
631
00:33:38,726 --> 00:33:41,562
- No.
- Yes.
632
00:33:41,562 --> 00:33:43,022
- You should be in sales.
- Yes!
633
00:33:44,607 --> 00:33:45,733
Why do you care?
I...
634
00:33:46,275 --> 00:33:48,736
I don't suppose I should
even bother to ask you.
635
00:33:49,528 --> 00:33:52,490
Oh, I can't tonight. I've got
Kelly Clarkson tickets.
636
00:33:52,490 --> 00:33:53,991
Oh, you had been
talking about that.
637
00:33:53,991 --> 00:33:55,117
- Yeah.
- All right.
638
00:33:55,117 --> 00:33:57,286
I like that Walk Away song,
though, I do.
639
00:33:58,037 --> 00:33:59,205
[EXPLOSION]
Boom!
640
00:33:59,372 --> 00:34:01,707
Nuh! Aww, man!
641
00:34:02,792 --> 00:34:04,377
There goes all the burritos.
642
00:34:04,919 --> 00:34:06,796
This is a conventional oven,
right?
643
00:34:07,213 --> 00:34:08,673
Well, you know,
644
00:34:08,673 --> 00:34:11,926
microwaving is a pretty
inexact science, Tim, so...
645
00:34:13,177 --> 00:34:16,055
You know what?
Can I be blunt?
646
00:34:17,014 --> 00:34:18,349
As opposed to how
you normally are?
647
00:34:18,516 --> 00:34:20,476
So how long are you planning
on punishing Evan?
648
00:34:22,186 --> 00:34:25,356
Jesus, Tim. I am not talking
to you about this right now.
649
00:34:25,356 --> 00:34:27,149
Yes, you are, Mandy.
Damn it.
650
00:34:27,149 --> 00:34:29,318
We are gonna have
this conversation right now.
651
00:34:29,318 --> 00:34:31,862
Because, you know what?
Evan is a good guy.
652
00:34:31,862 --> 00:34:34,323
You know it.
I know it. All right.
653
00:34:34,323 --> 00:34:36,534
So he made one mistake.
654
00:34:36,534 --> 00:34:38,411
- He's human.
- Yeah, well...
655
00:34:38,411 --> 00:34:39,954
It was a pretty
big mistake, Tim.
656
00:34:40,788 --> 00:34:42,331
What do you want me to say?
657
00:34:43,249 --> 00:34:46,585
Okay, yeah.
Evan hurt my feelings.
658
00:34:47,420 --> 00:34:48,546
A lot.
659
00:34:50,172 --> 00:34:53,592
Yeah, I guess that's exactly
what I wanted you to say.
660
00:34:54,552 --> 00:34:55,553
You said it.
661
00:34:55,803 --> 00:34:56,971
Well, yeah.
662
00:34:56,971 --> 00:35:00,808
Look, I'm not trying
to pile on to you emotionally,
663
00:35:00,808 --> 00:35:01,934
Right.
664
00:35:01,934 --> 00:35:03,269
But look, we all think
you're awesome.
665
00:35:03,269 --> 00:35:06,021
Yup, yup. Awesome Amanda.
666
00:35:06,021 --> 00:35:07,940
Dating me is like dating a dude.
667
00:35:07,940 --> 00:35:10,276
- It's really great.
- Never heard anyone say that.
668
00:35:11,610 --> 00:35:12,653
[scoffs]
669
00:35:13,404 --> 00:35:17,408
It's not like I was expecting
a fucking proposal, okay?
670
00:35:18,117 --> 00:35:21,203
And this may not have occurred
to you, but it was actually
671
00:35:21,203 --> 00:35:23,539
really difficult for me
to even say
672
00:35:24,874 --> 00:35:26,375
the "L" word,
673
00:35:26,375 --> 00:35:29,962
and please, do not make
a lesbian joke right now.
674
00:35:29,962 --> 00:35:31,797
That seems inappropriate.
I wouldn't have done that.
675
00:35:31,797 --> 00:35:33,507
You always make lesbian jokes.
676
00:35:33,507 --> 00:35:35,176
Not in front of lesbians.
677
00:35:36,260 --> 00:35:39,597
Or women, you know,
with lesbian haircuts.
678
00:35:39,597 --> 00:35:40,556
Look.
679
00:35:41,682 --> 00:35:44,435
I wasn't even expecting him
to say it back right away.
680
00:35:44,602 --> 00:35:47,354
But Jesus, Tim. "No?"
681
00:35:48,189 --> 00:35:49,440
Oh, yeah.
682
00:35:49,440 --> 00:35:54,028
He said no. Like what kind
of a response is that?
683
00:35:54,028 --> 00:35:56,280
- Not a positive one.
- Yeah.
684
00:35:57,448 --> 00:35:58,449
It would have...
685
00:35:59,492 --> 00:36:02,411
It would have honestly hurt less
if he just would have said
686
00:36:02,620 --> 00:36:03,913
nothing at all.
687
00:36:06,665 --> 00:36:07,917
Hey, Evan.
688
00:36:09,668 --> 00:36:11,796
TIM: Hmm, shit.
689
00:36:12,379 --> 00:36:15,633
Mandy is upset because
I was using the microwave,
690
00:36:15,633 --> 00:36:18,219
and I just didn't understand
how the buttons work,
691
00:36:18,219 --> 00:36:21,597
and I blew up my burrito, and
it was, like, the fourth one.
692
00:36:22,473 --> 00:36:25,017
She wanted to microwave
her salad, I think and...
693
00:36:26,185 --> 00:36:27,937
- We were talking about you.
- Clearly.
694
00:36:28,479 --> 00:36:30,397
Amanda Baron.
695
00:36:30,397 --> 00:36:34,735
Your friends call you Mandy,
but Amanda is better, stronger.
696
00:36:34,735 --> 00:36:39,365
A name with fingernails
I can dig into a man's back.
697
00:36:40,032 --> 00:36:41,367
Um...
698
00:36:41,867 --> 00:36:44,453
interesting observation.
699
00:36:47,122 --> 00:36:49,667
You smell lust.
700
00:36:51,168 --> 00:36:53,671
I can hear your heart
all broken.
701
00:36:54,880 --> 00:36:56,006
And wet.
702
00:36:56,674 --> 00:36:58,467
That's really weird, okay?
703
00:36:59,176 --> 00:37:00,845
Evan doesn't deserve you.
704
00:37:02,221 --> 00:37:04,431
Perhaps you just need
a woman's touch.
705
00:37:06,475 --> 00:37:08,143
Shouldn't you be answering
the phones?
706
00:37:11,313 --> 00:37:12,648
I like your dress.
707
00:37:19,738 --> 00:37:21,699
No money was ever transferred.
708
00:37:21,699 --> 00:37:24,243
You can't just give yourself
a checkmark.
709
00:37:24,243 --> 00:37:26,745
I put a checkmark on the board.
That's a sale, man.
710
00:37:26,745 --> 00:37:28,289
[QUIVERING]
711
00:37:34,378 --> 00:37:36,005
Tick-tack, motherfucker.
712
00:37:44,221 --> 00:37:47,224
Yes. Yes,
you can borrow 20 bucks.
713
00:37:47,391 --> 00:37:48,434
Quick.
714
00:37:49,476 --> 00:37:52,897
So please, just give me
your address and your e-mail
715
00:37:52,897 --> 00:37:55,941
and your Social Security,
and I'll send it out.
716
00:37:57,735 --> 00:37:58,777
Go ahead.
717
00:38:00,237 --> 00:38:02,364
One...
[WRISTWATCH BEEPING]
718
00:38:03,115 --> 00:38:06,327
Five o'clock.
See you fuckers tomorrow.
719
00:38:07,411 --> 00:38:10,247
Oh, did anybody see
which way Dave went?
720
00:38:17,838 --> 00:38:19,590
Hey, but I gave you 20 bucks.
721
00:38:20,758 --> 00:38:21,759
[SIGHS]
722
00:38:32,478 --> 00:38:33,604
- Evan?
- Oh.
723
00:38:34,438 --> 00:38:35,898
Oh. Hi, Elaine, hi.
724
00:38:37,399 --> 00:38:39,944
Sorry. Sorry you lost your job.
725
00:38:41,236 --> 00:38:42,321
Oh.
726
00:38:51,205 --> 00:38:52,498
Oh, thank you, Elaine.
727
00:38:55,376 --> 00:38:57,127
All right, man.
Well, I'll see you tomorrow.
728
00:38:57,127 --> 00:38:58,420
Phallusite.
729
00:39:00,297 --> 00:39:01,840
Well, it was worth a shot.
730
00:39:04,635 --> 00:39:06,011
[COMPUTER BEEPS]
731
00:39:06,011 --> 00:39:10,599
And you can call me Ward Cleaver
'cause I just banged out June.
732
00:39:10,599 --> 00:39:11,642
Nice.
733
00:39:12,059 --> 00:39:16,689
You can call me Uncle Ben
because I just nailed May.
734
00:39:16,855 --> 00:39:17,940
Nice.
735
00:39:18,315 --> 00:39:21,652
Hey, we keep this up,
we might not have to sleep here.
736
00:39:21,652 --> 00:39:23,112
Oh, Amen, brother.
737
00:39:26,115 --> 00:39:28,534
Oh shit.
738
00:39:29,118 --> 00:39:31,745
Zabeth only brought up
the hard copies through July.
739
00:39:31,745 --> 00:39:33,998
Can you run downstairs
and get August?
740
00:39:33,998 --> 00:39:35,290
In the basement?
741
00:39:35,290 --> 00:39:36,875
- Yeah.
- Oh, man.
742
00:39:36,875 --> 00:39:39,420
That place has freaked me out
ever since they found that
743
00:39:39,420 --> 00:39:40,879
whimsical gimp mask.
744
00:39:40,879 --> 00:39:42,715
You know, Elaine walked off
with that.
745
00:39:43,716 --> 00:39:47,219
Come on, man. Please. Just go.
Think of it as a field trip.
746
00:39:47,219 --> 00:39:49,138
You don't have to work
for one minute.
747
00:39:49,138 --> 00:39:50,848
Actually, that's pretty
good argument.
748
00:39:51,932 --> 00:39:53,392
There you go.
749
00:40:02,359 --> 00:40:06,488
Ooh, no, no, no, no, no.
Don't do it, Evan.
750
00:40:08,866 --> 00:40:09,825
Bad idea.
751
00:40:10,909 --> 00:40:13,537
Ah, fuck that. It was my office
longer than it was his.
752
00:40:14,997 --> 00:40:16,081
[DOOR CREAKS]
753
00:40:16,957 --> 00:40:19,835
[OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING]
754
00:40:20,794 --> 00:40:24,298
Oh, Jesus Christ, Zabeth.
You scared the shit out of me.
755
00:40:25,716 --> 00:40:27,843
What the hell were you even
doing down here?
756
00:40:32,556 --> 00:40:35,184
Oh, shit. Of course.
757
00:40:35,893 --> 00:40:37,686
[CLICKS TONGUE]
758
00:40:37,686 --> 00:40:39,438
Um, ass-hat?
759
00:40:40,481 --> 00:40:42,316
[COMPUTER BEEPS]
760
00:40:42,316 --> 00:40:46,528
I thought perhaps it was Evan
coming down, but now I see.
761
00:40:47,112 --> 00:40:49,740
Why send a boy
to do a man's job?
762
00:40:49,740 --> 00:40:51,617
Well, I couldn't agree more.
763
00:40:51,992 --> 00:40:53,744
The douche-nozzle.
764
00:40:53,911 --> 00:40:54,995
[COMPUTER BEEPS]
765
00:40:54,995 --> 00:40:56,955
[CLEARS THROAT]
Yeah, I should stop doing that.
766
00:40:57,414 --> 00:40:59,792
You know, I always had
a thing for you, right?
767
00:41:00,709 --> 00:41:02,127
- Really?
- Mm-hmm.
768
00:41:02,127 --> 00:41:06,006
'Cause I always thought you
wanted me to die in a car fire.
769
00:41:06,173 --> 00:41:09,718
Oh, no, no, no, no. Why would
my baby think of me like that?
770
00:41:09,718 --> 00:41:14,014
Because you said, "Andrew,
I hope you die in a car fire."
771
00:41:16,642 --> 00:41:18,685
Got some new hires, huh?
772
00:41:21,105 --> 00:41:22,523
Well, that's not a surprise.
773
00:41:22,523 --> 00:41:26,944
You were very specific to the
make, the model, the mileage.
774
00:41:26,944 --> 00:41:29,404
Oh, no] no] no, no, non.
775
00:41:29,404 --> 00:41:32,116
I was just wasting my time
pining on Evan.
776
00:41:32,116 --> 00:41:34,910
And Evan is just that.
777
00:41:35,327 --> 00:41:36,411
A waste.
778
00:41:40,999 --> 00:41:44,503
Oh, Max. You sick fuck.
779
00:41:44,503 --> 00:41:47,297
Okay, come on.
Evan's my friend,
780
00:41:47,297 --> 00:41:49,591
and he's the only person
in this office who...
781
00:41:49,591 --> 00:41:51,677
- Aah!
- You're right. Fuck that guy.
782
00:41:52,219 --> 00:41:53,595
Well, Tim. I mean...
783
00:41:54,596 --> 00:41:55,973
What? Really?
784
00:41:57,349 --> 00:41:58,976
Oh, what are you doing, pilates?
How do...
785
00:42:01,145 --> 00:42:02,187
Well...
786
00:42:03,355 --> 00:42:06,859
What? I'm the one person
in the office
787
00:42:06,859 --> 00:42:08,735
you haven't made a decision on.
788
00:42:10,320 --> 00:42:11,738
Okay, full disclaimer.
789
00:42:11,738 --> 00:42:14,116
There might be some slight
discoloration issues down there,
790
00:42:14,116 --> 00:42:16,118
but if it helps, you can pretend
you're boning the Hulk.
791
00:42:16,326 --> 00:42:17,661
Actually, I don't want
to over promise that.
792
00:42:17,661 --> 00:42:18,787
Let's go with Kermit.
793
00:42:19,121 --> 00:42:20,581
Ho-ha!
794
00:42:20,914 --> 00:42:23,542
Huh! Well, well, well.
795
00:42:24,751 --> 00:42:28,797
My buddy Ted will be
very interested in this.
796
00:42:29,673 --> 00:42:32,301
I have severely underestimated
the versatility
797
00:42:32,301 --> 00:42:33,969
of Anne Taylor Loft.
798
00:42:36,305 --> 00:42:38,765
Oh, God! You bit my lip.
799
00:42:38,765 --> 00:42:41,101
Do we need a safe word?
[GROANS] Oh!
800
00:42:41,101 --> 00:42:42,186
Scream for me.
801
00:42:42,186 --> 00:42:45,105
Okay. You know what?
I'm as kinky as the next guy.
802
00:42:45,105 --> 00:42:46,398
[LOUD THUD]
803
00:42:49,026 --> 00:42:50,569
Well, you have Zabeth.
804
00:42:51,820 --> 00:42:53,113
Oh, God!
805
00:42:53,113 --> 00:42:55,240
Okay, I took
a self-defense class for women
806
00:42:55,240 --> 00:42:57,492
to pick up chicks, and the shit
they teach you there is nasty.
807
00:42:58,285 --> 00:43:01,038
Dave? What the hell does he do?
808
00:43:01,038 --> 00:43:04,458
No! Foot stomp, eye gouge,
crotch kick.
809
00:43:04,458 --> 00:43:06,168
- Excellent suggestion.
-[GROANS] Ah!
810
00:43:12,132 --> 00:43:13,300
Well, that's different.
811
00:43:21,934 --> 00:43:23,310
Oh, God!
812
00:43:23,310 --> 00:43:25,604
I will still fuck you
if you scream.
813
00:43:25,979 --> 00:43:27,314
What the hell does that mean?
814
00:43:27,564 --> 00:43:29,816
[SCREAMS] Oh, God!
815
00:43:30,567 --> 00:43:32,110
I just didn't say when.
816
00:43:36,865 --> 00:43:38,325
All right, Max.
817
00:43:39,660 --> 00:43:43,038
We'll see what Ted
has to say about this.
818
00:43:46,875 --> 00:43:51,338
Oh, man, you would
not believe what I...
819
00:43:51,338 --> 00:43:55,509
Are you... Son of a bitch!
If you bailed on me...
820
00:44:00,681 --> 00:44:02,140
Andrew?
821
00:44:04,518 --> 00:44:08,063
Dude, if this is another
fucking bit like Mike's...
822
00:44:08,772 --> 00:44:11,400
- Run.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa!
823
00:44:11,400 --> 00:44:14,736
Oh, shit! Andrew, you all right?
824
00:44:14,736 --> 00:44:17,072
Okay, okay, hold on.
I'm gonna get help.
825
00:44:28,500 --> 00:44:30,085
[LOUD THUD]
826
00:44:53,608 --> 00:44:54,818
[DOOR CLICKS]
827
00:44:59,197 --> 00:45:01,491
What the fuck is happening?
828
00:45:04,661 --> 00:45:06,830
Somebody here went to Harvard?
829
00:45:07,706 --> 00:45:08,874
[GLASS CLINKS]
830
00:45:20,344 --> 00:45:22,721
Who the fuck would do this?
831
00:45:27,893 --> 00:45:28,935
Max.
832
00:45:32,105 --> 00:45:37,194
Max. You fucking asshole.
833
00:45:47,412 --> 00:45:48,455
[CLINK]
834
00:45:54,711 --> 00:45:59,674
[SONG PLAYING OVER RADIO]
835
00:46:11,937 --> 00:46:13,188
Oh fuck!
836
00:46:15,232 --> 00:46:16,608
[WHIMPERS]
837
00:46:17,692 --> 00:46:19,194
Oh, come on
838
00:46:22,614 --> 00:46:24,825
Amanda. Amanda, it's me.
I'm at the office.
839
00:46:24,825 --> 00:46:26,451
I just saw Andrew get killed.
840
00:46:26,451 --> 00:46:29,329
And now they're after me,
and I think it's Max.
841
00:46:29,329 --> 00:46:31,331
MAX: Oh, gosh, buddy.
That hurts my feelings.
842
00:46:31,998 --> 00:46:35,085
I'm sure Amanda is great
in a crisis,
843
00:46:35,252 --> 00:46:38,088
but don't you think
this call is more suited to 911?
844
00:46:38,255 --> 00:46:39,714
What have you done with Amanda?
845
00:46:39,714 --> 00:46:44,094
I just devoured her
fabulous Ossobuco
846
00:46:44,261 --> 00:46:47,347
Who knew Mandy was such
a demon in the kitchen?
847
00:46:47,347 --> 00:46:50,934
Absolutely open another bottle
as long as it's red.
848
00:46:51,893 --> 00:46:52,978
What?
849
00:46:55,856 --> 00:46:58,900
Max, you son of a bitch.
You listen to me, right now!
850
00:46:58,900 --> 00:47:00,026
[DOOR KNOB RATTLES]
851
00:47:00,026 --> 00:47:02,112
- Oh, fuck!
- Do I hear banging?
852
00:47:03,029 --> 00:47:05,991
On your end. I mean, there's no
banging happening here, yet.
853
00:47:06,158 --> 00:47:07,617
[DOOR KNOB RATTLING]
854
00:47:08,118 --> 00:47:10,454
Wait, are you on my phone?
855
00:47:10,454 --> 00:47:11,913
It's Evan calling to tell us
856
00:47:11,913 --> 00:47:15,333
he's absolutely crushing
the presentation tomorrow.
857
00:47:15,500 --> 00:47:16,585
Do you want to talk to him?
858
00:47:16,585 --> 00:47:17,961
[LOUD THUD]
859
00:47:18,295 --> 00:47:22,174
Uh, no. No, it's okay.
860
00:47:23,300 --> 00:47:24,384
[SHOUTS] Amanda!
861
00:47:24,384 --> 00:47:25,635
Sorry, buddy.
You're stuck with me.
862
00:47:25,802 --> 00:47:27,262
[LOUD THUD]
863
00:47:27,679 --> 00:47:29,931
God damn it, Max.
I swear to God
864
00:47:29,931 --> 00:47:31,850
if you lay one finger on her...
865
00:47:31,850 --> 00:47:33,101
[THUDDING CONTINUES]
866
00:47:33,310 --> 00:47:36,229
I think you better focus
on your own problems, bro.
867
00:47:36,229 --> 00:47:37,522
But I'll give Amanda your best.
868
00:47:37,522 --> 00:47:38,732
[LOUD THUD]
869
00:47:39,357 --> 00:47:41,860
Actually, I'll give her mine.
870
00:47:41,860 --> 00:47:44,321
- Max, no.
- It's better.
871
00:47:45,989 --> 00:47:48,783
Max! Fuck!
872
00:47:48,783 --> 00:47:52,037
Fuck! Fuck-ety fuck!
Fuck!
873
00:47:53,163 --> 00:47:54,706
[CRASH]
874
00:47:55,332 --> 00:47:57,542
Situation is suited
for 911, huh?
875
00:47:59,085 --> 00:48:01,379
[MUMBLING]
876
00:48:01,963 --> 00:48:03,798
Fuck it. That was stupid.
877
00:48:04,424 --> 00:48:06,176
[CRASH]
878
00:48:06,176 --> 00:48:08,178
All right. Where were we?
879
00:48:08,345 --> 00:48:10,514
"Where are we?"
880
00:48:11,806 --> 00:48:13,683
Is the more
pertinent question.
881
00:48:15,227 --> 00:48:17,145
- What?
- You...
882
00:48:18,855 --> 00:48:20,524
have beautiful eyes.
883
00:48:23,944 --> 00:48:24,945
[CLEARS THROAT]
884
00:48:26,363 --> 00:48:28,198
Uh, we should get started.
885
00:48:29,115 --> 00:48:31,535
We have the whole company
to get through, so...
886
00:48:34,704 --> 00:48:36,331
Don't I know it.
887
00:48:48,593 --> 00:48:50,595
[YELPS] Ah!
888
00:48:50,595 --> 00:48:53,515
Hey, Ted. Oww.
889
00:48:54,182 --> 00:48:56,184
Mind explaining yourself?
890
00:48:56,184 --> 00:48:57,519
Ted's here.
891
00:48:57,519 --> 00:49:00,772
I, uh, I don't know.
I don't know.
892
00:49:00,772 --> 00:49:04,192
I, uh, was working
on the presentation.
893
00:49:04,192 --> 00:49:06,987
And uh...
Oh, my God! Andrew!
894
00:49:06,987 --> 00:49:08,572
"Oh, my God, Andrew," is right.
895
00:49:08,572 --> 00:49:10,532
Without him, today would have
been a total disaster.
896
00:49:10,532 --> 00:49:13,118
What? No, no. Andrew is dead.
897
00:49:13,118 --> 00:49:14,995
Dead tired after
that all-nighter.
898
00:49:16,162 --> 00:49:19,416
The presentation.
Signed, sealed, and delivered.
899
00:49:20,250 --> 00:49:23,420
Andrew, you start prepping
my office for the Phallusite.
900
00:49:24,296 --> 00:49:26,590
I want you to run
this presentation today.
901
00:49:26,590 --> 00:49:27,841
You got it, boss.
902
00:49:28,008 --> 00:49:29,426
Bounce.
903
00:49:30,427 --> 00:49:33,096
Evan, what the hell
happened to you?
904
00:49:33,096 --> 00:49:36,016
You've always been
a model employee, but I...
905
00:49:36,016 --> 00:49:39,603
I can't overlook a
pooch-screwing this monumental.
906
00:49:39,603 --> 00:49:41,771
Ted. Ted, Ted.
907
00:49:42,814 --> 00:49:44,357
Let's not be hasty.
908
00:49:44,357 --> 00:49:47,652
Andrew finished the job but
Evan laid down the groundwork.
909
00:49:48,361 --> 00:49:49,571
Look at this poor fellow.
910
00:49:50,155 --> 00:49:52,240
He was just passed over
for a promotion.
911
00:49:52,240 --> 00:49:53,783
He slept in the supply closet,
912
00:49:53,783 --> 00:49:55,827
and he smells like
a dead wharf hooker.
913
00:49:55,827 --> 00:49:58,830
- You smell it now?
- He's just having a rough patch.
914
00:49:58,830 --> 00:50:00,540
Let's give him
a pass on this one, okay?
915
00:50:03,126 --> 00:50:04,544
I...
916
00:50:10,550 --> 00:50:12,093
Max brought doughnuts.
917
00:50:18,016 --> 00:50:20,310
I would love to tell you
about our exceptional product,
918
00:50:20,477 --> 00:50:24,105
Abinatrix.
Abinatrix is 100% natural.
919
00:50:24,105 --> 00:50:26,733
Abinatrix is for everyone
of all ages.
920
00:50:27,651 --> 00:50:30,278
Dude, that sucked man.
921
00:50:31,905 --> 00:50:34,532
Abinatrix is recommended
by most doctors.
922
00:50:34,532 --> 00:50:37,327
No, I don't understand
what the hell is going on.
923
00:50:37,494 --> 00:50:40,914
I did not imagine
all that stuff last night, Tim.
924
00:50:40,914 --> 00:50:43,124
And why the hell
did Max save my job?
925
00:50:43,583 --> 00:50:45,418
You know what, man?
I thought that was weird too,
926
00:50:45,418 --> 00:50:47,295
but on the plus side,
927
00:50:47,295 --> 00:50:49,839
at least he didn't turn you into
a vampire like everyone else.
928
00:50:51,091 --> 00:50:52,717
Mom, look,
just buy Abinatrix all right?
929
00:50:52,717 --> 00:50:53,885
What?
930
00:50:53,885 --> 00:50:56,554
I haven't had a sale all month
and I'm going to get fired.
931
00:50:56,554 --> 00:50:58,682
Dude, what are you doing? That
was going to be my first sale.
932
00:50:58,682 --> 00:51:01,726
Tim! Vampires?
933
00:51:01,726 --> 00:51:03,770
Oh, okay. Well,
934
00:51:04,270 --> 00:51:06,815
it's just a few things I've been
noticing here and there.
935
00:51:12,737 --> 00:51:14,114
A shoe?
936
00:51:16,032 --> 00:51:18,785
- That was your evidence?
- Well, I'm not done yet.
937
00:51:19,828 --> 00:51:22,247
[BOTH MOANING]
938
00:51:28,920 --> 00:51:31,589
Okay, that is
significantly weirder
939
00:51:31,589 --> 00:51:33,883
and Zabeth
has been acting strangely.
940
00:51:33,883 --> 00:51:36,803
Agreed, but what really
convinced me...
941
00:51:36,803 --> 00:51:39,389
-[ELAINE SIGHING]
- Poor, poor, Elaine.
942
00:51:39,848 --> 00:51:42,934
All ginger and no joy.
943
00:51:43,601 --> 00:51:46,855
- I don't-I don't mind.
- Yes, you do.
944
00:51:46,855 --> 00:51:49,983
- Oh, that's...
- I want you so bad.
945
00:51:49,983 --> 00:51:52,402
Oh, I am so busy.
946
00:51:52,402 --> 00:51:53,987
-[SHUSHING]
- I can't. I can't.
947
00:51:55,071 --> 00:51:57,907
Uh, I'm, I'm a virgin.
948
00:51:59,117 --> 00:52:00,452
You all are.
949
00:52:03,413 --> 00:52:05,081
[ELAINE LAUGHING]
950
00:52:06,833 --> 00:52:10,879
[ELAINE MOANING]
951
00:52:12,714 --> 00:52:17,010
So basically, I saw Max turn
Elaine into a vampire, ergo...
952
00:52:17,010 --> 00:52:20,972
- Max is a vampire.
- The head vampire, presumably.
953
00:52:20,972 --> 00:52:23,892
Right. This all started
after he got here.
954
00:52:23,892 --> 00:52:26,394
- It's only logical.
- AMANDA: Logical?
955
00:52:27,145 --> 00:52:29,773
Oh, there's a part of this story
that you guys think is logical?
956
00:52:29,773 --> 00:52:31,858
Well, maybe not logical,
but true.
957
00:52:32,650 --> 00:52:34,944
I don't know what kind of a game
you're trying to play here, Evan
958
00:52:34,944 --> 00:52:38,323
but it is not funny or endearing
or working.
959
00:52:38,323 --> 00:52:40,408
And you, you let him
drag you into this too?
960
00:52:40,617 --> 00:52:42,202
I thought you were smarter
than that.
961
00:52:42,202 --> 00:52:43,703
- Really?
-Really?
962
00:52:43,703 --> 00:52:46,206
- And today of all days.
- What day is it?
963
00:52:46,206 --> 00:52:48,291
I knew that you were selfish
and immature, Evan,
964
00:52:48,291 --> 00:52:50,835
but I did not think that you
would commit career suicide
965
00:52:50,835 --> 00:52:52,378
to impress me, it's,
It's pretty lame.
966
00:52:52,378 --> 00:52:55,799
Damn it, Amanda! I'm not trying
to commit career suicide.
967
00:52:55,799 --> 00:52:59,052
I'm trying to prevent
career homicide!
968
00:52:59,052 --> 00:53:00,345
Oh, good one.
969
00:53:00,345 --> 00:53:03,139
Oh, well, yeah,
it just came out.
970
00:53:04,098 --> 00:53:05,433
We have to get out of here.
971
00:53:05,433 --> 00:53:08,311
The only thing I have to do
is that Phallusite presentation
972
00:53:08,311 --> 00:53:11,272
because I actually give a shit
about my job, so...
973
00:53:11,272 --> 00:53:12,941
- Touche.
- Wait, wait, wait. Wait.
974
00:53:12,941 --> 00:53:15,735
- How do you explain Andrew?
- What about Andrew?
975
00:53:15,735 --> 00:53:18,071
He stayed here all night
working. He looks amazing.
976
00:53:18,071 --> 00:53:19,989
- Yeah, he does.
- Exactly!
977
00:53:19,989 --> 00:53:22,200
You don't think that proves
supernatural forces
978
00:53:22,200 --> 00:53:23,326
are at work here?
979
00:53:23,326 --> 00:53:24,911
All right, Evan, I'm done.
I'm clone with--
980
00:53:24,911 --> 00:53:27,372
What? Amanda! Amanda, wait,
wait, wait. Wait.
981
00:53:27,372 --> 00:53:31,709
Please, wait. I know this
all sounds crazy. I know.
982
00:53:31,709 --> 00:53:33,962
But please,
you have to believe me.
983
00:53:35,547 --> 00:53:36,756
I love you.
984
00:53:40,051 --> 00:53:41,427
No.
985
00:53:43,930 --> 00:53:46,099
So that's what it sounded like.
986
00:53:47,141 --> 00:53:49,519
Fuck it. I don't care
if she hates me forever,
987
00:53:49,519 --> 00:53:51,312
I am not letting
the woman I love
988
00:53:51,312 --> 00:53:53,606
get turned into
a blood-sucking vampire.
989
00:53:53,606 --> 00:53:55,275
Bam-snap!
990
00:53:58,695 --> 00:53:59,779
What?
991
00:54:02,615 --> 00:54:06,077
Is it just me or is this office
getting darker?
992
00:54:06,077 --> 00:54:09,956
- And colder too. Look.
- Oh.
993
00:54:11,833 --> 00:54:14,419
Okay, it's time we alert
the authorities.
994
00:54:14,419 --> 00:54:15,920
- You mean call the cops?
- Yes.
995
00:54:15,920 --> 00:54:17,171
And tell them what?
996
00:54:17,171 --> 00:54:20,091
I mean, everybody that we want
to report is dead, is here...
997
00:54:20,842 --> 00:54:22,886
- And working.
- Shit.
998
00:54:24,178 --> 00:54:25,889
Or turned to food.
999
00:54:25,889 --> 00:54:29,017
Oh, god! That was
Mike's real body.
1000
00:54:29,434 --> 00:54:30,602
Grody.
1001
00:54:31,811 --> 00:54:33,813
Oh, poor Andrew.
1002
00:54:33,813 --> 00:54:34,898
[BELL DINGING]
1003
00:54:34,898 --> 00:54:37,442
Hey, we did get a bell.
Bitchin'.
1004
00:54:37,901 --> 00:54:39,027
It's a great idea.
1005
00:54:39,027 --> 00:54:41,029
I think Max really listens
to what I have to say.
1006
00:54:42,113 --> 00:54:43,156
Dave.
1007
00:54:45,909 --> 00:54:50,747
Andrew has 14 sales today?
Fuck!
1008
00:54:51,539 --> 00:54:54,167
He's totally going to win
that Chili's gift certificate.
1009
00:54:54,167 --> 00:54:55,460
Look, we need to get Amanda
1010
00:54:55,460 --> 00:54:57,003
and we need to get
the fuck out of here.
1011
00:54:57,003 --> 00:54:58,630
Everyone in this office
has been turned--
1012
00:54:58,630 --> 00:55:01,341
Well, not everyone.
1013
00:55:02,550 --> 00:55:03,509
Come on.
1014
00:55:06,888 --> 00:55:10,808
Anybody need anything from the...
break room.
1015
00:55:13,561 --> 00:55:15,730
-[WOMAN CHATTERING OVER RADIO]
-[BREATHING HEAVILY]
1016
00:55:18,149 --> 00:55:20,234
- Colonel Sanders.
- At ease, Soldier.
1017
00:55:20,234 --> 00:55:22,362
No, no, no, not at ease.
It's war time.
1018
00:55:22,862 --> 00:55:25,448
Right, right, right. Yeah.
I, uh...
1019
00:55:25,448 --> 00:55:26,783
- Attention.
- Attention.
1020
00:55:27,575 --> 00:55:30,578
Frank, we need your help, okay?
1021
00:55:30,578 --> 00:55:33,122
This is going to sound insane,
1022
00:55:33,122 --> 00:55:35,583
but the entire office
has been turned into--
1023
00:55:35,583 --> 00:55:37,335
Vampires. Affirmative, sir.
1024
00:55:39,295 --> 00:55:41,464
What? What, you know?
1025
00:55:48,513 --> 00:55:50,640
[BOTH MOANING]
1026
00:55:54,018 --> 00:55:56,813
[ELAINE GIGGLING]
1027
00:56:05,113 --> 00:56:07,365
Oh! Did I not mention
that Frank was there?
1028
00:56:07,365 --> 00:56:10,118
No, Tim. God damn it.
No, you didn't.
1029
00:56:10,118 --> 00:56:11,703
Sorry, my bad.
1030
00:56:11,703 --> 00:56:13,037
We hang out a lot actually.
1031
00:56:13,037 --> 00:56:14,330
By the way, how amazing was that
1032
00:56:14,330 --> 00:56:15,707
Kelly Clarkson
concert last night?
1033
00:56:15,707 --> 00:56:18,167
American Idol?
More like American Treasure.
1034
00:56:18,167 --> 00:56:19,335
Her voice literally sings.
1035
00:56:19,335 --> 00:56:20,753
- It does sing.
- Her singing sings.
1036
00:56:20,753 --> 00:56:22,505
Oh, how did you get home?
I blacked out.
1037
00:56:22,505 --> 00:56:24,882
This is not what we're here
to talk about.
1038
00:56:24,882 --> 00:56:27,135
We need to get upstairs, Frank,
we need your help.
1039
00:56:27,135 --> 00:56:29,595
We need to get Amanda and
we need to get the hell out of dodge.
1040
00:56:29,595 --> 00:56:30,930
No, no, no, we can't
just go up there.
1041
00:56:30,930 --> 00:56:33,224
The place is a den
of the undead right now.
1042
00:56:33,224 --> 00:56:36,019
We need to arm ourselves.
We need weapons and shit.
1043
00:56:36,019 --> 00:56:37,645
I was waiting for you
to say that.
1044
00:56:38,855 --> 00:56:40,064
I've got just the thing.
1045
00:56:44,485 --> 00:56:46,404
'Weapons!
'okay! Okay.
1046
00:56:47,071 --> 00:56:48,531
[ELEVATOR muss]
1047
00:56:51,284 --> 00:56:54,495
When she came after that second
encore, I was like, "whaaat!"
1048
00:56:55,538 --> 00:56:56,706
Almost fainted.
1049
00:56:56,873 --> 00:56:58,875
[SIGHING] What kills vampires?
1050
00:56:58,875 --> 00:56:59,959
- Stakes.
- Yeah.
1051
00:56:59,959 --> 00:57:01,711
Anything wooden
you can jam into their heart.
1052
00:57:01,711 --> 00:57:04,505
Or a sharp blade.
Decapitations work too.
1053
00:57:06,549 --> 00:57:08,259
Did you think this was
my first vamp hunt?
1054
00:57:08,259 --> 00:57:10,344
I'm a licensed security guard.
1055
00:57:10,344 --> 00:57:12,847
You don't get this patch without
dusting a few puncture monkeys.
1056
00:57:18,603 --> 00:57:20,563
I looked some stuff up
on Wikipedia.
1057
00:57:20,813 --> 00:57:22,482
- Oh.
-[ELEVATOR muss]
1058
00:57:22,482 --> 00:57:24,901
All right, what else?
Holy water, garlic?
1059
00:57:24,901 --> 00:57:27,487
Ooh, I make a really good
40-clove chicken.
1060
00:57:29,072 --> 00:57:31,657
But we probably don't have time
for that right now, guys.
1061
00:57:31,657 --> 00:57:33,159
Sunlight. That burns them up.
1062
00:57:33,159 --> 00:57:34,994
Wait, wait, wait, wait. Does it?
1063
00:57:34,994 --> 00:57:36,704
Because, I mean,
it's daytime right now
1064
00:57:36,704 --> 00:57:38,539
and they don't seem to be
too bothered by it.
1065
00:57:38,539 --> 00:57:41,542
Correct, but that's because this
facility has a limited number
1066
00:57:41,542 --> 00:57:43,586
of windows to minimize
visual distractions
1067
00:57:43,586 --> 00:57:45,463
and maximize climate control
and security.
1068
00:57:45,463 --> 00:57:48,007
You're telling me sunlight
does kill vampires,
1069
00:57:48,007 --> 00:57:50,927
but we get so little of it
in this fluorescent shithole,
1070
00:57:50,927 --> 00:57:52,720
that they're just fine?
1071
00:57:54,472 --> 00:57:57,809
- Good god, that's depressing.
- Yes, sir, it is.
1072
00:58:02,146 --> 00:58:05,817
Sir, I swear to god
there was an arsenal
1073
00:58:05,817 --> 00:58:09,195
of immense proportions
in this van this morning.
1074
00:58:10,613 --> 00:58:12,824
Someone has violated
1075
00:58:12,824 --> 00:58:15,660
the sovereignty
of my vehicular transport.
1076
00:58:15,660 --> 00:58:17,453
They got your stereo, too.
1077
00:58:18,037 --> 00:58:19,747
- Oh, son of a bitch.
- Hey!
1078
00:58:19,747 --> 00:58:21,165
[ALL YELLING]
1079
00:58:21,165 --> 00:58:25,419
Oh, my god! Man, hey, hey.
You can't just... Okay, okay.
1080
00:58:25,419 --> 00:58:26,879
Listen, we need your help.
1081
00:58:26,879 --> 00:58:29,090
All right, this is
going to sound insane,
1082
00:58:29,090 --> 00:58:31,592
but the entire office
has been turned into--
1083
00:58:31,592 --> 00:58:33,094
Vampires, yeah.
1084
00:58:33,094 --> 00:58:36,097
- Did everybody know but me?
- Yeah, it seems that way.
1085
00:58:36,097 --> 00:58:37,640
-[FRANK YELLING]
- Oh, fuck!
1086
00:58:37,640 --> 00:58:40,184
Oh, my god, you're a vampire!
Holy shit!
1087
00:58:40,184 --> 00:58:42,061
Max turned the fucking janitor.
1088
00:58:42,061 --> 00:58:44,272
Well, that one actually makes
sense if you think about it.
1089
00:58:44,272 --> 00:58:45,773
You're creating
a lot of dead bodies--
1090
00:58:45,773 --> 00:58:47,024
Yeah, you got blood.
1091
00:58:47,024 --> 00:58:48,317
It's smeared all over
the walls, man.
1092
00:58:48,317 --> 00:58:50,194
People are struggling,
they're breaking things.
1093
00:58:50,194 --> 00:58:52,113
You got vans coming in
full of weapons.
1094
00:58:52,113 --> 00:58:54,740
- You got to clear that out.
- Okay, okay, I get it.
1095
00:58:54,740 --> 00:58:56,826
I get it. All right, yeah.
Great idea.
1096
00:58:56,993 --> 00:59:00,121
- He's still a fucking asshole.
- Did you guys really not notice?
1097
00:59:00,121 --> 00:59:02,665
He turned me day one. I've been
a vampire this whole...
1098
00:59:02,665 --> 00:59:05,126
I-I chased you
through the cubicles.
1099
00:59:05,126 --> 00:59:07,670
Last night? That was you?
Um...
1100
00:59:08,504 --> 00:59:10,882
It was really dark.
I mean, I was scared.
1101
00:59:10,882 --> 00:59:13,176
Look, it's not personal. We just
don't know you that well.
1102
00:59:13,176 --> 00:59:14,844
Yeah. No, no, no. Right.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
1103
00:59:14,844 --> 00:59:18,014
You know? I mean, we work
upstairs, we're busy and you...
1104
00:59:18,014 --> 00:59:19,724
Well, how about his?
1105
00:59:20,016 --> 00:59:21,809
[HISSING]
1106
00:59:21,809 --> 00:59:24,854
[CHUCKLING] That's,
that's scary, yeah.
1107
00:59:25,021 --> 00:59:28,274
- The teeth--
- Don't patronize me! God!
1108
00:59:28,274 --> 00:59:29,859
Do you even know my name?
1109
00:59:31,110 --> 00:59:32,320
- Janitor?
- Janitor.
1110
00:59:32,778 --> 00:59:34,071
[ALL YELLING]
1111
00:59:34,071 --> 00:59:36,782
Always keep a provisional weapon
on your person.
1112
00:59:41,454 --> 00:59:42,747
Wait, where?
1113
00:59:44,749 --> 00:59:46,209
In my--
1114
00:59:47,376 --> 00:59:48,753
[ALL GROANING]
1115
00:59:52,798 --> 00:59:54,550
Wikipedia did not mention that.
1116
00:59:54,550 --> 00:59:55,760
[TIM RETCHING]
1117
01:00:02,266 --> 01:00:04,810
No, no, no.
Okay, okay, wait, wait.
1118
01:00:04,810 --> 01:00:06,896
This means that they can die,
all right?
1119
01:00:07,063 --> 01:00:09,398
You just need to find weapons.
1120
01:00:09,398 --> 01:00:11,776
Oh, hey, maybe the janitor
put Frank's weapons in...
1121
01:00:11,776 --> 01:00:13,945
[ALL GROANING]
1122
01:00:13,945 --> 01:00:16,864
Oh, god, how have they not
dumped the bodies yet?
1123
01:00:16,864 --> 01:00:18,741
Trash pick up is on Saturdays
1124
01:00:18,741 --> 01:00:20,493
unless you make a special
request,
1125
01:00:20,493 --> 01:00:22,036
but that's like 60 bucks.
1126
01:00:22,870 --> 01:00:24,080
Seriously?
1127
01:00:25,665 --> 01:00:27,833
God, this fucking company sucks.
1128
01:00:29,085 --> 01:00:30,586
I've got towels in my car.
1129
01:00:38,344 --> 01:00:41,138
Hi, we're the Phallusite
Corporation.
1130
01:00:41,138 --> 01:00:42,556
We have a 4 o'clock meeting?
1131
01:00:44,016 --> 01:00:45,434
Meeting's canceled.
1132
01:00:50,648 --> 01:00:52,608
Go. Go. Go, go, 90, 90-
1133
01:00:55,945 --> 01:00:57,405
Say what you want about Elaine,
1134
01:00:57,405 --> 01:01:00,741
she always did stock the shit
out of the supply closet.
1135
01:01:00,741 --> 01:01:02,243
Bam-snap!
1136
01:01:03,411 --> 01:01:04,954
That's growing on me.
1137
01:01:17,550 --> 01:01:19,552
[SHARPENER WHIRRING]
1138
01:01:21,429 --> 01:01:22,555
What?
1139
01:01:34,734 --> 01:01:38,237
- Bam-snap!
- Yeah!
1140
01:01:40,489 --> 01:01:42,950
Today, we become men.
1141
01:01:43,909 --> 01:01:46,746
- Or vampires.
- Or dead.
1142
01:01:50,583 --> 01:01:52,543
[TIM GASPING]
1143
01:01:53,711 --> 01:01:55,421
God, Frank,
what's wrong with you?
1144
01:01:56,172 --> 01:01:57,715
It's bull piss.
1145
01:01:58,632 --> 01:01:59,884
[ELEVATOR muss]
1146
01:02:00,926 --> 01:02:02,261
Let's be jazzed.
1147
01:02:03,179 --> 01:02:04,972
How many of those
do you drink a day?
1148
01:02:05,973 --> 01:02:07,558
As many as it takes.
1149
01:02:11,520 --> 01:02:13,856
Jeez, the vampire that probably
takes a bite out of you
1150
01:02:13,856 --> 01:02:15,441
is going to be up for a week.
1151
01:02:17,443 --> 01:02:18,611
[ELEVATOR muss]
1152
01:02:40,257 --> 01:02:42,093
Okay, there's a lot of them.
1153
01:02:43,094 --> 01:02:44,845
Let's focus.
1154
01:02:44,845 --> 01:02:47,223
We get into Ted's office,
we grab Mandy,
1155
01:02:47,223 --> 01:02:50,184
-we get out of here.
- We got your back, Colonel.
1156
01:02:50,976 --> 01:02:54,313
[CHUCKLING] Colonel Sanders.
1157
01:02:56,732 --> 01:02:58,192
Like the chicken guy.
1158
01:03:00,152 --> 01:03:01,570
I just got that.
1159
01:03:03,406 --> 01:03:07,326
[CLEARING THROAT] All right,
vam time. Focus.
1160
01:03:08,744 --> 01:03:10,663
[ALL YELLING]
1161
01:03:14,333 --> 01:03:16,544
Okay, okay, okay.
No sudden movements, all right?
1162
01:03:16,544 --> 01:03:19,380
Just calm careful motions.
Like you're playing Jenga.
1163
01:03:19,380 --> 01:03:22,425
[VAMPIRES HISSING AND SNARLING]
1164
01:03:22,967 --> 01:03:25,344
So, you know, generally it's got
to be some kind of pass.
1165
01:03:25,344 --> 01:03:27,513
- People call yet?
- No, not yet.
1166
01:03:27,513 --> 01:03:29,265
Maybe they're stuck in traffic.
1167
01:03:31,267 --> 01:03:33,102
I don't recognize
a lot of these people.
1168
01:03:33,602 --> 01:03:36,397
That, that's the IT guy.
There's Marketing.
1169
01:03:36,397 --> 01:03:38,649
There's the Customer Service
Call center.
1170
01:03:38,649 --> 01:03:41,569
- I hired everyone in there.
- That is ironic.
1171
01:03:42,403 --> 01:03:43,612
Only if they eat us.
1172
01:03:44,697 --> 01:03:45,656
Tim.
1173
01:03:46,407 --> 01:03:50,161
What? Oh, did I jinx us?
My bad.
1174
01:03:51,036 --> 01:03:52,997
[ALL YELLING]
1175
01:03:54,165 --> 01:03:56,500
Sanders, what the hell
are you doing?
1176
01:03:56,500 --> 01:03:58,419
Have, have you lost your mind?
1177
01:03:58,419 --> 01:04:02,131
Amanda, I love you, but you have
no idea whats going on here.
1178
01:04:02,298 --> 01:04:07,595
- Now you're saying way too much.
- Tim... Ted, we have a problem.
1179
01:04:07,595 --> 01:04:12,641
Max, in addition to being a
douchebag, is also a vampire
1180
01:04:12,808 --> 01:04:14,727
and he's turning every one
of your employees
1181
01:04:14,727 --> 01:04:16,604
from the janitor on up.
1182
01:04:16,604 --> 01:04:19,940
By the way, your neck-biting
custodial buddy
1183
01:04:19,940 --> 01:04:23,110
is doing his best impression
of a Jackson Pollock painting
1184
01:04:23,110 --> 01:04:24,528
in the parking garage.
1185
01:04:24,528 --> 01:04:26,489
- Bam-snap!
- AMANDA: Jesus Christ.
1186
01:04:26,489 --> 01:04:28,073
Evan, what the fuck
have you done?
1187
01:04:28,073 --> 01:04:32,036
Do you have any idea how hard it
is to find good custodial help?
1188
01:04:32,036 --> 01:04:33,496
You popped Jerry?
1189
01:04:33,496 --> 01:04:34,914
- Jerry.
- Jerry.
1190
01:04:34,914 --> 01:04:36,832
- That sounds familiar.
- That was... Yeah. Yeah.
1191
01:04:36,832 --> 01:04:38,751
- That was so embarrassing.
- I was like...
1192
01:04:38,751 --> 01:04:40,711
Did you just miss
the whole un-dead thing, sir?
1193
01:04:40,711 --> 01:04:41,795
Yeah.
1194
01:04:41,795 --> 01:04:44,590
God damn it,
I know they're vampires.
1195
01:04:44,590 --> 01:04:47,134
Uh, wait. What?
1196
01:04:47,134 --> 01:04:49,428
I track how many paperclips
we use per quarter,
1197
01:04:49,428 --> 01:04:52,181
you think I wouldn't notice
a vampire company take-over?
1198
01:04:52,348 --> 01:04:54,016
How many paperclips do
we use per quarter?
1199
01:04:54,016 --> 01:04:57,394
- Tim!
- Uh, last quarter, 22415.
1200
01:04:57,394 --> 01:05:00,940
See? Look at him.
He's a model employee now.
1201
01:05:00,940 --> 01:05:04,026
Wait, you did this
intentionally?
1202
01:05:04,026 --> 01:05:06,612
Corporate was threatening
to shut down the entire branch,
1203
01:05:06,612 --> 01:05:09,240
I simply presented Ted
with an alternative.
1204
01:05:09,240 --> 01:05:11,742
His methods may seem
a little unorthodox,
1205
01:05:11,742 --> 01:05:14,036
but you can't argue
with the results.
1206
01:05:14,036 --> 01:05:17,831
After your little stunt
in college!
1207
01:05:19,917 --> 01:05:21,752
The only school
that would take me
1208
01:05:21,752 --> 01:05:25,089
was this university in Romania.
1209
01:05:26,298 --> 01:05:29,885
But it turns out, it had
a very unique MBA program,
1210
01:05:30,719 --> 01:05:34,515
a whole new paradigm
in business management
1211
01:05:34,515 --> 01:05:39,478
What? Turning your employees
into vampires? That's sick!
1212
01:05:39,478 --> 01:05:41,605
Evan, this company was sick.
1213
01:05:41,605 --> 01:05:44,149
Employees calling in with fake,
dead grandmothers
1214
01:05:44,149 --> 01:05:45,859
so that they could go out
to the ballpark.
1215
01:05:45,859 --> 01:05:48,237
Video game tournaments
during office hours,
1216
01:05:48,404 --> 01:05:51,115
and look at your browser
histories.
1217
01:05:51,115 --> 01:05:54,618
- I know you watch porn all clay.
- That was mainly Mike.
1218
01:05:54,618 --> 01:05:56,537
At least now we have a future.
1219
01:05:56,537 --> 01:06:00,624
Yeah, funny your usage
of the word "we" there.
1220
01:06:01,542 --> 01:06:02,835
What's that supposed to mean?
1221
01:06:02,835 --> 01:06:04,962
Max was gonna
fucking eat you.
1222
01:06:04,962 --> 01:06:06,672
I saw it in his files.
1223
01:06:06,672 --> 01:06:08,549
Why do you think he hasn't
turned you yet, Ted?
1224
01:06:08,549 --> 01:06:12,803
He was going to turn me last.
Make it special with candles.
1225
01:06:12,803 --> 01:06:14,888
- Oh.
- That makes sense.
1226
01:06:20,102 --> 01:06:21,770
You were going to force me out?
1227
01:06:22,187 --> 01:06:24,982
Hey, quick, while you still have
time, Ted. Fire this--
1228
01:06:25,190 --> 01:06:27,109
-[ALL YELLING]
- Oh god!
1229
01:06:27,109 --> 01:06:29,445
It actually works.
He really did that.
1230
01:06:29,445 --> 01:06:34,825
That is the worst part
of this job. Firing people.
1231
01:06:34,825 --> 01:06:37,494
Oh, shit. Jeez. He just...
1232
01:06:37,494 --> 01:06:39,371
- Hey, Mandy.
- His neck--
1233
01:06:39,371 --> 01:06:42,333
Have you not been listening
this entire time?
1234
01:06:42,333 --> 01:06:44,877
We are vampires.
That's what we do.
1235
01:06:44,877 --> 01:06:47,713
We get... Still sounds so weird
saying vampires.
1236
01:06:47,713 --> 01:06:49,673
So you just do it?
1237
01:06:49,673 --> 01:06:51,884
It's true. Amanda you got to
start working
1238
01:06:51,884 --> 01:06:54,303
on your stubbornness if you want
to be a part of the team.
1239
01:06:54,470 --> 01:06:57,014
Oh! Fuck your team, Max!
1240
01:06:57,014 --> 01:07:01,393
I'm taking Amanda and we're
walking out of here un-undead.
1241
01:07:01,393 --> 01:07:02,770
Is that so?
1242
01:07:03,228 --> 01:07:05,731
Yeah, I'm gonna,
I'm gonna do that.
1243
01:07:05,731 --> 01:07:06,690
Oh.
1244
01:07:08,776 --> 01:07:10,778
- Okay.
-Okay?
1245
01:07:10,778 --> 01:07:12,279
Well, show yourselves out.
1246
01:07:13,322 --> 01:07:16,450
Can I have a thing, maybe a...
This will do.
1247
01:07:17,409 --> 01:07:19,995
- Bye, gang.
- Okay, yeah.
1248
01:07:19,995 --> 01:07:21,705
- See you guys.
- See you, man.
1249
01:07:21,705 --> 01:07:24,166
You got that? You got the door?
1250
01:07:24,166 --> 01:07:25,668
Back up. Back up!
1251
01:07:25,668 --> 01:07:27,252
[VAMPIRES GROWLING]
1252
01:07:27,252 --> 01:07:28,462
Holy shit!
1253
01:07:29,546 --> 01:07:32,257
- Are all these people vampires?
- Yes, ma'am.
1254
01:07:32,257 --> 01:07:33,509
Mandy, I don't want to die
1255
01:07:33,509 --> 01:07:35,010
without telling you
how I really feel.
1256
01:07:35,010 --> 01:07:36,261
Well, then shut the fuck up,
1257
01:07:36,261 --> 01:07:37,763
so you have a reason
to survive this shit.
1258
01:07:37,763 --> 01:07:40,808
- So what now, Colonel?
- Honestly, I have no idea.
1259
01:07:40,808 --> 01:07:42,309
I never thought
we'd live this long.
1260
01:07:42,518 --> 01:07:45,562
To think you came to rescue me
and you didn't plan an escape?
1261
01:07:45,562 --> 01:07:47,981
Oh, don't Princess Leah me.
I'm thinking.
1262
01:07:49,858 --> 01:07:51,360
- Okay, I've got it.
- Oh, hey, Dave.
1263
01:07:51,360 --> 01:07:52,444
[DAVE GROWLING]
1264
01:07:52,444 --> 01:07:54,321
Good luck getting
your 20 bucks now, bitch.
1265
01:07:54,321 --> 01:07:56,198
- God damn it, Tim.
- Oops.
1266
01:07:56,365 --> 01:07:58,867
[ALL YELLING]
1267
01:08:03,956 --> 01:08:06,333
God damn it. Now I'm definitely
gonna have to wash this shirt.
1268
01:08:06,333 --> 01:08:08,752
Do you want me to, uh,
dive in?
1269
01:08:08,752 --> 01:08:11,880
Oh, no, no, no, no. I need you
to learn how to delegate.
1270
01:08:22,641 --> 01:08:25,227
Hey, decapitate.
You gotta take it off.
1271
01:08:27,187 --> 01:08:28,439
Hair pulling?!
1272
01:08:28,939 --> 01:08:33,110
Yipee-Taekwondo-rogue-
a-motherfucker. Oh, shit!
1273
01:08:33,110 --> 01:08:34,486
[DAVE GROWLING]
1274
01:08:34,486 --> 01:08:37,406
Oh, God! Your breath
smells like cat-food.
1275
01:08:45,581 --> 01:08:47,082
Oh, I don't like this
1276
01:08:58,218 --> 01:09:00,262
And I defended your hire.
1277
01:09:01,930 --> 01:09:03,682
[ALL GROANING]
1278
01:09:09,855 --> 01:09:13,484
- Does this happen every time?
- Yeah. Yeah, basically.
1279
01:09:16,487 --> 01:09:18,572
Not if you kill them
first, people.
1280
01:09:19,615 --> 01:09:21,617
Learn how to take the initiative
1281
01:09:21,617 --> 01:09:23,660
if you don't want me
to micro-manage.
1282
01:09:23,660 --> 01:09:24,828
[ALL YELLING]
1283
01:09:30,250 --> 01:09:32,044
This is about the story
as far as I--
1284
01:09:32,795 --> 01:09:35,506
[CHUCKLING] Well,
now it's time to go to work.
1285
01:09:36,340 --> 01:09:37,466
[ELAINE LAUGHING]
1286
01:09:38,550 --> 01:09:39,843
AMANDA: Oh, Shit.
1287
01:09:43,430 --> 01:09:46,141
[GRUNTING] Jesus,
those walls are thin.
1288
01:09:48,268 --> 01:09:49,978
So, my question is,
1289
01:09:50,729 --> 01:09:52,898
"When do you let your people
make their own mistakes
1290
01:09:52,898 --> 01:09:53,982
so that they can learn?"
1291
01:09:53,982 --> 01:09:56,902
and "when do you just jump in
and do the job yourself
1292
01:09:56,902 --> 01:09:58,111
because you're more efficient?"
1293
01:09:58,111 --> 01:10:00,489
- It's a balance to be sure.
- Yeah.
1294
01:10:00,656 --> 01:10:02,282
I'm going to need
a minute, Dave.
1295
01:10:02,282 --> 01:10:04,368
I think I've re-injured my back.
1296
01:10:08,121 --> 01:10:09,790
[EXPLODES]
1297
01:10:09,790 --> 01:10:13,460
God damn it, Amanda!
I finally started boning her.
1298
01:10:14,586 --> 01:10:15,671
Sorry.
1299
01:10:15,671 --> 01:10:18,048
[CHUCKLING] Whoa-ho-ho!
1300
01:10:18,048 --> 01:10:19,758
You know what?
That almost felt like--
1301
01:10:19,758 --> 01:10:23,178
Oh, come on.
Whoa! Did it just get dark?
1302
01:10:23,178 --> 01:10:24,930
Should we be intervening here?
1303
01:10:24,930 --> 01:10:27,558
I mean, we are losing
a lot of employees.
1304
01:10:27,558 --> 01:10:29,518
Oh, don't worry about it.
It's mostly marketing.
1305
01:10:29,518 --> 01:10:31,186
Oh, okay,
I'll just run an ad.
1306
01:10:31,186 --> 01:10:34,606
You fucker. [YELLING] Take that.
1307
01:10:34,606 --> 01:10:37,526
Are you trying to repel me
with a cross made of pencils?
1308
01:10:37,526 --> 01:10:38,819
[SPLATTERING]
1309
01:10:39,069 --> 01:10:40,320
Still, a good manager knows
1310
01:10:40,320 --> 01:10:41,822
when his staff
is getting overextended.
1311
01:10:41,822 --> 01:10:45,033
Be a dear and call downstairs
for me, would you?
1312
01:10:45,033 --> 01:10:46,493
Can I use your office?
This is just,
1313
01:10:46,493 --> 01:10:47,703
kind of flat out here.
1314
01:10:47,703 --> 01:10:49,204
Yeah, feel free.
Make yourself at home.
1315
01:10:49,204 --> 01:10:50,539
I know you rigged the raffle
1316
01:10:50,706 --> 01:10:52,875
to win the office trip to Cabo
this year.
1317
01:10:52,875 --> 01:10:54,293
That trip was mine!
1318
01:10:57,087 --> 01:10:59,006
You do not want to know
where that came from.
1319
01:10:59,840 --> 01:11:02,509
[SCREAMING]
1320
01:11:03,010 --> 01:11:04,595
[SPLATTER]
1321
01:11:04,595 --> 01:11:07,097
Who am I gonna get to stock
the supply closet now?
1322
01:11:07,723 --> 01:11:10,893
I'm not a vampire expert,
asshole.
1323
01:11:10,893 --> 01:11:15,230
Enough. I want my $20,
and then you die.
1324
01:11:16,023 --> 01:11:18,901
I'm saving it
for something else.
1325
01:11:18,901 --> 01:11:21,069
[ALL GRUNTING]
1326
01:11:25,574 --> 01:11:27,701
[BOTH PANTING]
1327
01:11:28,952 --> 01:11:30,704
Why don't we ever go dancing?
1328
01:11:31,413 --> 01:11:33,790
Monday night is salsa night
at Vida Loca.
1329
01:11:33,790 --> 01:11:35,334
[SPLATTER]
1330
01:11:38,754 --> 01:11:40,589
I hope you
and your dickhead pals
1331
01:11:40,756 --> 01:11:45,510
enjoyed picking on poor Dave,
because now my veins surge
1332
01:11:45,510 --> 01:11:48,138
with a thousand generations
of death.
1333
01:11:48,138 --> 01:11:53,435
My claws are like hammers,
my teeth are like swords!
1334
01:11:53,435 --> 01:11:56,813
I am vengeance!
And I am immortal!
1335
01:11:56,813 --> 01:11:58,440
[SPLATTER]
1336
01:12:03,820 --> 01:12:04,821
Eww.
1337
01:12:05,447 --> 01:12:07,491
I knew you were a good vampire.
1338
01:12:07,491 --> 01:12:10,577
I'm not a good vampire.
I just always hated Dave.
1339
01:12:13,997 --> 01:12:16,083
Well, what now, asshole?
1340
01:12:16,625 --> 01:12:19,503
Yeah, it looks like
you're fresh out of friends.
1341
01:12:19,503 --> 01:12:21,129
Nah, I'll make more.
1342
01:12:21,797 --> 01:12:24,299
Oh, that's a lot of blood!
1343
01:12:24,299 --> 01:12:25,384
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
1344
01:12:25,384 --> 01:12:28,261
- Area secure?
- Not in the slightest.
1345
01:12:29,137 --> 01:12:30,222
Huh?
1346
01:12:30,222 --> 01:12:31,515
ANDREW: Fuck that NCAA pool.
1347
01:12:31,515 --> 01:12:34,142
That was a bullshit foul
at the end of the UNC game.
1348
01:12:34,142 --> 01:12:35,644
Fucking Duke.
1349
01:12:35,644 --> 01:12:36,979
- You hungry?
- Yeah.
1350
01:12:36,979 --> 01:12:39,314
I can punch right into
this thing. It's hilarious.
1351
01:12:39,314 --> 01:12:41,149
-[LOUD CLANGING]
- Yeah!
1352
01:12:41,149 --> 01:12:43,151
Oh, honestly, guys,
1353
01:12:44,569 --> 01:12:46,488
did you really think it was
going to be that easy?
1354
01:12:47,155 --> 01:12:49,658
No, not at first, but then it...
1355
01:12:49,658 --> 01:12:52,202
- Once we got going, it was...
- MAX: Oh, come on!
1356
01:12:52,202 --> 01:12:54,246
You think I would attempt to
take over this entire company
1357
01:12:54,246 --> 01:12:55,998
without consulting legal first?
1358
01:12:56,790 --> 01:12:58,041
[ELEVATOR DINGING]
1359
01:12:59,001 --> 01:13:00,877
Oh, lawyers?
1360
01:13:06,258 --> 01:13:10,470
Amanda, a private word with you
in my office please.
1361
01:13:12,014 --> 01:13:14,057
[EVAN GRUNTING]
1362
01:13:15,851 --> 01:13:18,979
Um, Amanda,
where are you going?
1363
01:13:18,979 --> 01:13:23,025
Uh, I don't
really know actually.
1364
01:13:23,233 --> 01:13:25,360
Hey, remember when I did this
to your girlfriend in college
1365
01:13:25,360 --> 01:13:27,487
without using
supernatural powers?
1366
01:13:28,071 --> 01:13:29,531
Hey, I'm just saying why go pro
1367
01:13:29,531 --> 01:13:31,450
when your school has a chance
at the Championships?
1368
01:13:31,450 --> 01:13:32,993
Run the risk of injury?
No way man.
1369
01:13:32,993 --> 01:13:34,578
You got to take the money
and run.
1370
01:13:36,079 --> 01:13:38,248
Evan, you can go home
for the clay.
1371
01:13:38,248 --> 01:13:40,125
Frank, you can die.
1372
01:13:41,376 --> 01:13:43,253
[VAMPIRES SNARLING]
1373
01:13:45,130 --> 01:13:46,423
It has been an honor
and a pleasure
1374
01:13:46,423 --> 01:13:47,924
to serve with you, Colonel...
1375
01:13:48,467 --> 01:13:50,385
But it's time we parted ways.
1376
01:13:50,969 --> 01:13:53,346
Any-who, I'm going to
turn you now.
1377
01:13:53,346 --> 01:13:54,639
I hope that's cool.
1378
01:13:54,639 --> 01:13:56,600
No, I don't want to
be a vampire.
1379
01:13:57,350 --> 01:14:00,145
No, no, no, Frank. They will,
they will eat you alive.
1380
01:14:00,145 --> 01:14:02,481
Literally. Literally, literally.
1381
01:14:02,481 --> 01:14:04,524
Not the bullshit way
most people use it.
1382
01:14:05,525 --> 01:14:06,985
You never know
if you're the kind of guy
1383
01:14:06,985 --> 01:14:10,030
who'll jump on a grenade,
till it lands at your feet.
1384
01:14:10,030 --> 01:14:11,531
Man, that's intense.
1385
01:14:11,531 --> 01:14:12,908
Being a vampire is amazing.
1386
01:14:12,908 --> 01:14:14,743
We had a crazy vampire orgy
last night
1387
01:14:14,910 --> 01:14:16,620
It was mind-blowing.
1388
01:14:16,620 --> 01:14:18,288
Yeah, but I just got some
new golf clubs...
1389
01:14:18,622 --> 01:14:21,291
Thanks, Frank.
I'm going to recommend you
1390
01:14:21,291 --> 01:14:24,461
for a meritorious service medal
when all this is over.
1391
01:14:24,461 --> 01:14:26,713
I'm not going to let you
stake me so...
1392
01:14:29,674 --> 01:14:31,009
Some pickle, huh?
1393
01:14:31,718 --> 01:14:34,888
Much obliged, sir. Now go
in there and kill our boss.
1394
01:14:35,764 --> 01:14:37,307
[FRANK YELLING]
1395
01:14:41,478 --> 01:14:46,191
Come on! Come on, get him!
1396
01:14:46,191 --> 01:14:47,192
[AMANDA STRUGGLING]
1397
01:14:47,984 --> 01:14:50,612
Oh, hey, pal! I was just about
to turn your girl
1398
01:14:50,612 --> 01:14:52,239
and fuck her on Ted's desk.
1399
01:14:53,323 --> 01:14:56,326
Sorry. [CHUCKLING] My desk.
1400
01:14:56,326 --> 01:14:57,911
You fucking dick.
1401
01:14:58,703 --> 01:15:01,498
Amanda, you need to focus
on your job.
1402
01:15:01,957 --> 01:15:04,459
HR is going to be swamped
with all the new hires
1403
01:15:04,459 --> 01:15:05,585
we're going to need.
1404
01:15:06,253 --> 01:15:08,213
Oh, let's just get this
over with.
1405
01:15:08,213 --> 01:15:09,798
I'd rather die than listen
1406
01:15:09,798 --> 01:15:12,050
to your lame management style
any longer.
1407
01:15:12,217 --> 01:15:16,596
My management style
is effective. And refreshing.
1408
01:15:16,972 --> 01:15:21,017
Okay, option seven, you just
eat like raccoons and stuff.
1409
01:15:21,017 --> 01:15:22,727
That is disgusting. No.
1410
01:15:24,896 --> 01:15:28,608
Evan, do you remember
what I said we sell here?
1411
01:15:29,609 --> 01:15:32,028
- Dreams?
- Yeah, that was bullshit.
1412
01:15:32,904 --> 01:15:34,281
We sell fear.
1413
01:15:34,281 --> 01:15:38,827
Option eight, I don't turn you,
I just kill you.
1414
01:15:38,994 --> 01:15:41,163
No, that doesn't work for me,
'cause then I'm just dead.
1415
01:15:41,163 --> 01:15:43,832
Our customers are afraid.
1416
01:15:43,832 --> 01:15:46,626
Afraid that life
is passing them by,
1417
01:15:46,626 --> 01:15:48,587
which to be fair, it is.
1418
01:15:49,629 --> 01:15:54,467
And that is why you
are perfect for this place.
1419
01:15:54,467 --> 01:15:58,013
Because you are a coward.
1420
01:16:00,932 --> 01:16:02,058
H“ Q t; kw“
1421
01:16:02,601 --> 01:16:04,936
Okay, option nine, I let you go
1422
01:16:04,936 --> 01:16:06,730
but you have to promise
not to kill anyone.
1423
01:16:06,730 --> 01:16:08,440
No way, man. A vamp's got to eat.
1424
01:16:08,440 --> 01:16:11,276
You were afraid to tell Amanda
you love her because of why?
1425
01:16:12,152 --> 01:16:13,987
Because you work together?
1426
01:16:14,529 --> 01:16:16,364
Because she earns more than you?
1427
01:16:16,740 --> 01:16:19,409
Roshambo?
Winner chooses our fate?
1428
01:16:22,120 --> 01:16:25,498
One, two, three, yes! Sorry.
1429
01:16:26,166 --> 01:16:28,168
You didn't even have the balls
to quit
1430
01:16:28,168 --> 01:16:31,755
when this incompetent turd
passed you over
1431
01:16:31,755 --> 01:16:35,800
for the guy you hate most
on the face of the Earth.
1432
01:16:36,259 --> 01:16:38,720
You are so afraid of life.
1433
01:16:39,930 --> 01:16:43,767
[CHUCKLING] And you actually
want to be sales manager
1434
01:16:43,767 --> 01:16:45,060
in this shithole.
1435
01:16:45,060 --> 01:16:46,478
Mandy!
1436
01:16:46,478 --> 01:16:48,772
We are trying
to have a conversation.
1437
01:16:48,772 --> 01:16:51,024
-[AMANDA SCREAMING]
- No!
1438
01:16:53,902 --> 01:16:56,321
- Well, two out of three?
- Yeah.
1439
01:16:57,197 --> 01:16:58,782
One, two, three.
1440
01:17:00,742 --> 01:17:03,870
I am not going to change you.
That's right.
1441
01:17:03,870 --> 01:17:09,292
I'll leave you alive and stuck
in this pathetic pointless job
1442
01:17:09,542 --> 01:17:12,545
now, until the day you die.
1443
01:17:13,880 --> 01:17:15,090
This suit is bespoke.
1444
01:17:16,967 --> 01:17:18,343
One, two, three.
1445
01:17:18,343 --> 01:17:19,552
[EVAN YELLING]
1446
01:17:19,552 --> 01:17:21,888
Sharing the desk
with the photo printer,
1447
01:17:21,888 --> 01:17:26,726
while I stay young
with the woman you love,
1448
01:17:27,227 --> 01:17:29,229
immortal at my side.
1449
01:17:29,396 --> 01:17:31,064
[EVAN GROANING]
1450
01:17:33,233 --> 01:17:35,110
I'd rather fucking die first.
1451
01:17:36,903 --> 01:17:40,073
Yeah, yeah,
that's the way it works.
1452
01:17:42,200 --> 01:17:43,994
[SCREAMING]
1453
01:17:50,375 --> 01:17:52,127
[MAX GROWLING]
1454
01:17:52,127 --> 01:17:53,753
Holy shit!
1455
01:17:54,462 --> 01:17:56,548
I think I'm ready
to turn in my resignation.
1456
01:17:56,548 --> 01:17:57,507
Yeah.
1457
01:18:18,778 --> 01:18:21,948
You want this job? Then take it.
1458
01:18:21,948 --> 01:18:23,616
[YELLING]
1459
01:18:23,616 --> 01:18:27,412
Die, you bloodsucking bastard!
1460
01:18:30,415 --> 01:18:31,875
[ROARING]
1461
01:18:36,379 --> 01:18:37,881
Oh, shit.
1462
01:18:37,881 --> 01:18:39,799
[EXPLODES AND SPLATTERS]
1463
01:18:48,808 --> 01:18:52,395
Well, this is pretty much the
grossest thing I've ever seen.
1464
01:18:59,235 --> 01:19:03,156
I stand corrected. Yuk.
1465
01:19:03,865 --> 01:19:05,158
[TIM CLEARING THROAT]
1466
01:19:07,952 --> 01:19:09,079
Hey.
1467
01:19:11,289 --> 01:19:13,208
Is all this Max's blood?
1468
01:19:14,918 --> 01:19:19,547
Uh, some of it's mine,
some of it's Evans.
1469
01:19:19,547 --> 01:19:20,507
Yeah.
1470
01:19:21,883 --> 01:19:22,884
Gross.
1471
01:19:24,010 --> 01:19:24,969
Yeah.
1472
01:19:26,513 --> 01:19:28,264
Hey, Frank?
1473
01:19:29,307 --> 01:19:30,975
Lost in the line of duty.
1474
01:19:32,560 --> 01:19:34,396
I really liked that guy.
1475
01:19:34,396 --> 01:19:37,065
Well, on the plus side,
no more vamps.
1476
01:19:37,065 --> 01:19:38,024
Yeah.
1477
01:19:39,526 --> 01:19:40,860
[WRISTWATCH BEEPING]
1478
01:19:40,860 --> 01:19:43,738
Oh, hey, another work day.
1479
01:19:43,738 --> 01:19:44,948
Bitchin'
1480
01:19:49,828 --> 01:19:50,995
[ELEVATOR muss]
1481
01:19:52,497 --> 01:19:55,125
[SOFT MUSIC PLAYING]
1482
01:20:10,014 --> 01:20:13,768
[ELECTRICITY CRACKLING]
1483
01:20:15,270 --> 01:20:17,313
[MUSIC FADES OUT]
1484
01:20:18,398 --> 01:20:19,649
[EVAN SIGHING]
1485
01:20:20,483 --> 01:20:21,901
[WEAPON CLANGING]
1486
01:20:24,612 --> 01:20:25,738
[ELEVATOR muss]
1487
01:20:47,760 --> 01:20:49,762
EVAN: Is it weird
that I'm hungry?
1488
01:20:49,762 --> 01:20:50,889
TIM: Oh, I could eat.
1489
01:20:51,639 --> 01:20:53,141
AMANDA: Where do you guys
wanna go?
1490
01:20:53,141 --> 01:20:55,894
EVAN: Well, somewhere without
blood on it.
1491
01:20:55,894 --> 01:20:57,061
TIM: That rules out Denny's.
1492
01:20:59,147 --> 01:21:00,523
AMANDA: Have a pizza.
1493
01:21:01,608 --> 01:21:02,775
Oh shit.
1494
01:21:04,360 --> 01:21:06,279
Sorry, Mom. Are you still there?
1495
01:21:06,613 --> 01:21:08,907
Hey! Yeah.
1496
01:21:08,907 --> 01:21:11,159
No, you'll never guess
what happened at work.
1497
01:21:12,327 --> 01:21:13,870
Oh, you could hear it
the whole time?
1498
01:21:32,805 --> 01:21:34,098
Bastardo!
1499
01:21:36,059 --> 01:21:37,810
[MAID GASPING]
1500
01:21:38,019 --> 01:21:41,773
[GROWLING SOFTLY]
Welcome to the team.
1501
01:21:41,773 --> 01:21:43,149
My office in 10.
104230
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