Original subtitles

Jesus Christ! Jesus Christ!

No! No! No!

Oh, God! Oh, God! No! No! No!

No! No! No!

Oh, oh! Oh!

Hold still, you son of a bitch!

Get this fucking bug out of my ear!

It's eating my brain.

Fuck! Get it out!

Jesus, Jack, you said you had this under control!

I did, man. He got out! No!

Come on!

I can taste what it's thinking. Get it out!

Rookie mistake, Jack. Christ.

Get off my back, Rog.

If you weren't in there taking the Browns to the Superbowl

you could've been helping me.

The guy's screaming, he's got bugs in his brains!

Huh? You don't reason with him.

Just zap him with the fucking sedative. Come on!

Come on.

Grab his legs!

Look, man, I thought I could talk him down.

What's up, Jack? Huh? Huh?

Your brain's somewhere else.

I'm just exhausted. Yeah? Well, wake up, bitch.

You're getting sloppy and it's pissing me off.

Paperwork time. It must be your turn. Heh-heh-heh!

Of course it is. It's always my turn.

Yeah, well, seniority's a bitch, huh?

Hey, Rog, about the fuck-up back there--

Oh, no, no, no.

If this is about that Sherry bitch,

I'm gonna get you transferred.

I can't listen to that shit anymore.

She left me.

Ha! It's about fucking time.

For a fucking yoga instructor.

The guy wears fucking tights to work every day.

Can you believe that shit?

Can we get rid of this now?

She wants it back.

She wants her own fucking picture back?

Just the frame.

Hm!

Tell her I broke it.

Oh, cheer the fuck up, kid, you know?

I mean, you're gonna forget about her in a couple of days,

and you're gonna meet some other woman, and, you know,

she's gonna make you deliriously happy.

For a minute.

Hey, three ex-wives, right? I know whereof I speak.

Rog, what type of girls am I gonna meet

working the graveyard shift?

You know any nice girls that are out past 4:00AM

that don't want 100 bucks to spend the night?

Hey, hey. 100 bucks is a good deal.

Hey! Unless you're talking about those tweakers

who work in, you know, down in your neighborhood.

Jesus, I wouldn't pay 50 cents

and a day-old sandwich for one of those.

I was being facetious.

Yeah, well, I wasn't.

You ever see those girls in the daylight, huh?

Ooh!

Hey! Hey, and stop blaming the job, huh?

But the job is the problem. I work nights.

I have no time for a personal life,

let alone a fucking relationship.

Hey, Jack. Relationships are work, Jacko. You know?

You've got to do whatever it takes

to give them the attention that they think they need.

Why the fuck do they need all the attention?

You wanna know what I need?

I need someone to take care of me for once.

Pay me a little bit of attention.

I wake up every fucking day and take care of everyone else.

When's it my fucking turn?

It'll be your turn when you're old and gray

and pissing in your diapers.

That's when it'll be your turn.

Hey. Go home.

I'll finish this up. Huh?

No, I'll do it. It's--

No. Head out.

Go. I got it.

You're a sweetheart.

Yeah, I know.

She wants her own fucking picture back.

What a!

What the hell have you done to my floor, you filthy asshole?

Get out of my store! Oh, shit. I'm sorry, man.

"Sorry" isn't going to clean up this mess now, is it?

Now get the fuck out, or I will call the cops.

Relax, man. Let me pay for my shit.

We don't serve your type here.

My type? What the fuck are you talking about?

Filthy drug addict!

I'm a paramedic, asshole.

Oh, you're a para-- Get the fuck out!

Jesus Christ.

You know what? Fuck-a you!

Fuck-a me? No, no, no. Fuck-a you!

Thank you! Don't come again!

Shit. Look at this motherfucker.

Hey, Jack-off. I want my fucking shit back.

Why aren't you answering--

Oh, boy!

You picked the right time to tune in!

Are you tired of miracle diets that don't work?

Are you tired of pull-ups, push-ups, chin-ups, crunches?

Are you tired of it all?

Well, what if I told you

that you can lose weight fast and eat whatever you want?

Fellas, this man right here lost 27 inches...

I wouldn't go in there.

You're late.

Sorry, man. I couldn't get my ass out of bed today.

Sit down, kid. Maybe we can get in a couple rounds

before the Welfare-Wednesday start OD'ing in the streets.

She left five messages on my machine.

We are not talking about her.

Dude, what is it with women?

They can talk and talk and talk forever.

I mean, me, I have about 10 minutes' worth

of conversation in me, and I'm done.

So I take it you haven't met anyone new?

What? While I've been sleeping all day?

Hey, look, I've accepted the fact

that I am gonna die alone.

I'm heartbroken. I'm profoundly moved.

Hey, but look at it this way, hm? You'll always have me.

You know, if you didn't look so repulsive in a bikini,

I might take you up on that.

Might even let you tea-bag me.

Red 17, we have a male injured in a car accident.

Says he jumped in front of a bus. Copy?

Copy. I was gonna hand you a beating, too.

♪ I'm as happy as a man can be ♪

♪ You can't wipe this smile off me ♪

♪ Gray skies don't get me blue ♪

♪ Soon as I got rid of you rid of you ♪

♪ I had a bad reaction ♪

♪ I'm in recovery ♪

♪ I got a new connection

♪ Steady hands my blood is clean ♪

♪ I had a bad reaction ♪

♪ I need a remedy ♪

♪ I got a new connection ♪

♪ Steady hands my blood is clean ♪

♪ Steady hands my blood is clean ♪

♪ Oh, oh ♪

♪ Oh, oh ♪

- Fetch. - Ha.

- I get. - I did.

Nice. I'll be scraping her ass

off the fucking sidewalk in a couple hours.

Shut the fuck up.

Don't!

Fuckin' junkies.

Dude, you all right?

Yo, you okay?

What the fuck? Are you okay?

Hey, are you okay? Stay calm!

What's your name? Okay, it's okay! Hey, listen!

Hey, do you understand me?

Look, I'm a medic. I can help you.

Don't touch me!

Let's go. So much blood.

Yeah, yeah. Am I dying?

No, you're not dying, but you're hurt, you need help!

Let me look! Get away!

Where's the blood coming from? Get away!

Aw, fuck! We're gonna go to the hospital!

No! No hospital!

Stay calm. Let me look! Don't touch me!

Get away!

Fuck it, maybe I should.

Fuck, how do I get myself into this?

Come on. Hey, come on. Get away!

Listen, you have two choices.

I live up there where it's safe,

or you can can deal with those two fucks, down there.

What the hell? Did somebody bite you?

What did this to you?

I don't know.

What's wrong?

Nothing.

I'm Jack.

You got a name?

I don't remember.

How about friends, family? Someone you can call?

No.

There's no one.

I'm so tired.

We're not supposed to reveal

that kind of stuff, Jack. You know that.

I'm not asking any specific details.

I'm just wondering if there's any missing person

matching that description.

What's that description again?

Female Caucasian, mid-20s,

dark hair, uh, 5'8", 5'9".

Um... No. Nothing here.

All right. Any accidents?

Anyone flee the scene last night?

Let's see. No. Nobody fled the scene.

Who is this mystery woman, Jack?

Beat me, fuck me, make me write bad checks.

What's shaking, Rog?

Oh! You got lucky last night!

No.

Hey, kid, it's written all over your face.

What's her name? Did you give her the shocker?

Zz! Zz-zz-zz!

What are you, retarded? Huh? Take her to the hospital!

She refused to go. Besides, the hospital will spit her

right back out on the street.

Any response? Nothin'.

Heart rate's dropping fast.

This the third time this month we've revived this shit.

You think she's homeless?

I don't know. Well, she doesn't know.

She's a mystery woman.

You left this mystery skank alone in your apartment?

I mean, you can kiss your laptop

and anything else she can pawn goodbye.

Stand back. Here goes the eppi!

Welcome back, sweetie-pie. Huh?

You remember us? Yeah!

We saved your sorry ass last week.

You're going to the hospital. Again!

What makes you think that she's not cleaning you out right now?

I don't know, I felt something. Something trustworthy.

You, you find her in a fuckin' alley, covered in blood.

Where in that sentence is the word "trustworthy"?

Where's my rent money, you deadbeat?

Where's my plumber, you slumlord?

He's coming! He's a very busy man.

Well, you'll see your rent when I see my plumber.

Good night, Mrs. Lee.

Bitch.

Hello?

What are you doing in the window sill?

It's freezing out.

It was so hot inside. I couldn't breathe.

You're like an icicle.

I feel sick.

Why don't you come inside and we'll get you all cleaned up?

Try these.

Why do you have women's clothing?

My ex-girlfriend.

She still hasn't come and got her shit.

♪ So close that I could see ♪

♪ So close that I can dream ♪

♪ And I look at her ♪

Is she nice?

Sure, if you're not dating her.

♪ And I look at her ♪

♪ And she looks at me ♪

♪ And I can see ♪

You, you look great.

You're silly.

No, I'm serious.

You look so tired. Go to sleep.

Where are you going?

I'll take the sofa.

I'm not kicking you out of your bed.

Don't argue with me.

Can I sit with you until you fall asleep?

Yeah, I'd like that.

♪ So close that I can dream ♪

♪ The way she looks at me ♪

Do you often bring home lost women?

Looking at my past relationships,

it kind of seems that way.

You know, you never got to tell me your name.

Danika.

Danika. Danika.

That's a nice name.

Oh, yeah?

What do you like about it?

♪ The way she looks at me ♪

Jack?

Danika?

Oh, shit!

What is it? How long you been shaking like this for?

I don't know. I didn't want to wake you.

Here, let me get you back to bed,

and then I'll see if I can find you something for the pain.

Here, take this.

No.

Take it. It'll bring your fever down.

You'll feel better soon.

We gotta get you to a hospital.

No, no hospitals. It'll pass.

Danika, this is my friend, Roger.

Hi, Danika. Nice to meet you.

Heard a lot about you.

I'll just take a little look-see at this thing here.

She's a junkie!

She's not a junkie.

Oh, God. Are you seriously blind?

I mean, she's going through fucking withdrawal.

Did you miss the needle track marks on her neck, huh?

That's not tracks, all right? Someone attacked her.

Oh, right. Right.

I know you'd like to believe that,

I mean, she's, she's a knockout,

I mean, even with all the shaking and quaking going on,

I'd still like to give her a poke.

You know?

Hey, but...she is hooked on something bad, my friend.

Bad.

I mean, just take her to the detox, you know?

Let her go cold-turkey.

Maybe she can kick it there.

I ain't dumping her in one of those lice-pits.

I can watch her right here.

Well... What's the matter with you?

You've known this chick a day and you're already in love?

It's fucking crazy, I know,

but there's something about her, something different.

You ought to be fucking happy for me.

Did you fuck her yet?

N-- No.

I'll be happy for you when you fuck her.

And I want-- I want details, and photos, if possible. Hmm?

Hey, I bet she likes a finger up the ass. Huh?

Yeah? Am I right?

You know, you can't avoid me

by not answering your phone, you idiot.

What are you doing here? I don't have anything to say to you.

I came to get my stuff back.

Well, now's not a good time. I have to go to work.

Okay, so go. I'll let myself out when I'm done.

I told you, not now.

Holding on to my shit

is not gonna bring me back to you, you fucking loser.

Are you insane? I don't want your shit

and I don't want you back.

Why are you here? I don't have time for mind-fucks.

You have a serious problem. I have a problem?

You're the one who fucked your yoga instructor, remember?

Well, at least there's more flexibility with his job.

That hurts.

What about my stuff?

I'll mail it to you.

It's a good thing I kept my key, jackass.

What a fucking pig.

Mine.

Yours. Mine.

Yours.

Who are you?

Who am I? Who are you?

And why are you wearing my fucking clothes, bitch?

Ohh!

That was a triumphant shit.

Here, I brought you a Danish.

Yeah, thanks. I'm real hungry after you telling me

about your fourth exciting dump today.

Hey, irritable bowel syndrome, dude.

A solid movement is a thing of beauty.

So, do you think she's using?

Let it go, man. No, you "let it go, man."

Take her to a shelter, where she's somebody else's problem.

You're the one who told me to go meet somebody,

now you're telling me to ditch her.

I ain't gonna do that. Not to her.

She's trouble, Jack, and you know it.

Some girls, they're like a traveling shit storm.

How is she?

I think she's gonna be okay.

Yeah? Yeah.

Thanks for asking.

Don't mention it.

Sucker.

Holy fuck!

Shit!

Oh, my God.

Holy fuckin' shit!

She's fucking dead.

She's fucking-- What the fuck happened?

Danika, what the fuck happened?

Sherry's dead! She's fucking dead!

What did you do? Don't look at me.

Answer me! Did you do this?

I don't know!

She came in and started taking stuff.

We argued, and, then-- Oh, God!

I...I bit her!

Why did I do that?

Jack, what's wrong with me?

What the-- What the fuck?! Did you just bite me?

I'm sorry! Why would you do that?

I didn't-- I didn't mean to.

Hold still!

What are you doing? Ow!

You've got fucking fangs!

What the fuck? Holy shit!

Why haven't I seen you in the light?

Jack! What?

Don't! Yes.

Come on! No!

Fuck! Please don't do this!

Does it hurt?

Jack, what's wrong with me?

I wish I fucking knew.

Holy shit. You ate my ex-girlfriend.

I don't know whether to call the police or buy you flowers.

Fuck.

Yep.

♪ Whee! ♪

♪ Tidy up your mess ♪

♪ Tidy up your mess ♪

♪ Everybody do your best to tidy up your mess ♪

♪ Whee! ♪

♪ Tidy up your mess Uh-huh ♪

♪ Tidy up your mess Uh-huh! ♪

♪ Everybody do your best to tidy up your mess ♪

♪ Whee! ♪

♪ Tidy up your mess Uh-huh ♪

♪ Tidy up that mess ♪

♪ Everybody tidy up, tidy up your mess ♪

♪ Tidy up your mess ♪

♪ Tidy up that mess Ooh! ♪

♪ Everybody tidy up Whee! ♪

♪ Tidy up your mess Yee-haw! ♪

♪ Tidy up your mess Whoo-hoo! ♪

♪ Tidy up your mess Hee-hee-hee ♪

♪ Everybody do your best to tidy up your mess ♪

♪ Yee-haw! ♪

You're gonna leave her in here?

I can't think of anything else to do with her. Can you?

It's gonna stink.

I don't think so. She's all dried up.

Are you sure?

Danika, do you know how much trouble we're in?

You ate my ex-girlfriend. She's dead, gone, finito!

Okay.

We'll figure this out later.

So how's she feeling?

A lot better.

Yeah? You ever find out what she was using?

Sort of.

You're not using, are you?

'Cause I gotta tell you, you look like shit.

Matter of fact, the shit I just took

is looking at you and saying,

"Man, you look like shit."

I'm not on anything, seriously, I'm just tired.

Yeah, I bet you are. Nice little ass like that.

Hey... Does she do anal? Hmm?

Why does everything with you have to be about ass?

Hey, look at that!

A smile.

I haven't seen one of those since uh...

since you met old what's-her-fuck.

- Sherry? - Yeah.

I guess she's dead to you now, huh?

What are you talking about?

Well, you found yourself a replacement,

just like I said you would.

I mean, uh... I didn't expect you to,

expect it to be a street junkie, but, uh,

hey, at least she's hot.

Real funny.

- Hey, can I ask you something? - Go ahead.

Out of all your ex-wives,

did you ever find out that they did something really bad?

Depends on your definition of "bad".

Real bad.

Well, I never dated a junkie, if that's what you mean, but, uh...

Come on, spill it. What'd she do?

Peel pecker cheese for crack money? Huh?

Skip it.

Hey, come on. Come on.

You know, y-y-you gotta,

you got to take some good with the bad, right?

I mean, I mean, if you love her, you stick with her,

no matter what she did in the past.

I mean, you don't bail on people, you know,

because of shit they did before you met them.

Look who's talking.

Hey, hey, hey. I only bailed on ex number two.

One and three bailed on me.

Fair enough.

Right. Come on, let's get this done. Day shift's coming in.

You need a lift?

Nah, I'm all right. I'm gonna walk.

Clear the head.

Right.

Oh, shit.

Yo, back the fuck up, ambulance-man.

Why do you always got to fuck with me?

Get out of here, douchebag!

Yeah, you want to get in my face? Bring it on, bitch.

Yeah, bring it on, and we'll cut you a second pussy next time!

Yeah, we'll cut you-- What the fuck is a second pussy?

It's like two pussies.

Yo, go get me a turkey sandwich, dawg.

Light on the mayonnaise!

Danika?

Dani?

Get off! Get off me!

What are you doing? Get off!

Gotcha!

You scared the shit out of me. What'd you do that for?

I was bored out of my mind, honey.

How was work today?

Life-affirming. Mm!

Someone's feeling better.

Mmm, much better, actually.

And look at my arm, it's all better now.

Holy shit. I wish my herpes cleared up so fast.

You have herpes?

That's what you get for fucking with me.

Want to fool around, herpes man? Mmm!

Just give me a minute, huh? What's wrong?

Nothing. It's just--

You know, spending all night

fucking scraping up crack babies from the sidewalk.

It just doesn't really put me in the mood, you know?

But how was your day? What'd you do?

You know, transformed into a bat for a while,

took a nap in my coffin.

The usual.

How about doing the dishes? Fuck you, Jack.

Actually, I slept most of the day.

Like the dead, or is it the undead?

I was thinking about you all day, today.

Aw. That's sweet.

No, I mean the whole Dracula thing.

Oh.

Do you remember anything more about it?

No.

It must be they attacked you, right?

I mean, that's what they do. One must have got a hold of you,

bit your fucking neck,

and left you in the fucking trash for dead.

Can we talk about something else?

Aren't you a little bit curious?

Jesus Christ, vampires exist.

That's some pretty fucked-up shit.

You smell. What?

You stink.

That I do. I'm gonna take a shower.

You want to join me?

Wash all that crap off first, and then I'll join you.

Fair enough.

Danika, hurry up before the hot water runs out!

I thought you were gonna join me?

What's wrong?

I feel sick again.

What, like before?

Yeah.

Shit. What are we gonna do?

Nothing. I'll starve to death before I do that again.

Stay calm, all right? We'll figure this out.

You need blood to feel better,

so we need to get you some blood.

It's simple math.

I got an idea.

Here, kitty, kitty, kitty!

Here, kitty, kitty, kitty.

I can't do this, Jack! There has to be another way.

Not that I know of.

If you have a better idea, tell me what it is.

Right now, that cat's the best idea I got.

This is disgusting!

It's just an alley cat.

No one's gonna know it's missing,

no one's gonna get hurt.

Well, except for the cat...

...but I don't like cats,

and I don't like people who own them, so who gives a fuck?

Do you want me to come in and help you?

No! Stay out! I don't want you to watch me.

It's making me sick!

What the fuck are we doing to do now?

Fuck. How the fuck am I gonna pull this off, man?

How you gonna pull it off, Jack?

I can't believe I'm fucking doing this.

This is fucking stupid.

I'm a fucking idiot.

Fuck. What the fuck would I have left in the fridge?

Fuck it! Fuck.

Hey, Jacko. What are you doing here? Set your alarm wrong?

No, I lost my wallet. Did you see it anywhere?

Nah. You check the couch cushions?

What, you lost your wallet in the fridge?

Third time I've done that. I am such an idiot.

Brother, you need some solid sleep.

Yeah, don't we all?

How you feel?

Like shit.

I think I got just what you need.

Do you want it straight from the bag?

What?

Nothing.

Bottoms up.

Oh, it smells bad. It doesn't smell like anything.

It's Type O. It works for everyone.

I don't want it. Just try it.

How is it?

Ugh! It's not wine-tasting.

You're supposed to swallow it, not go all Sideways and shit.

I don't want to.

It's cold and dead.

I feel like my stomach's on fire.

Here, take mine.

No.

Just take a little, maybe that's all you need.

What if I can't stop at just a little?

I could kill you.

Don't worry, I'll stop you. Just do it.

Okay, that's enough.

All right, let go!

Let go!

Oh, my God. What have I done?

Are you hurt bad?

I don't know, I feel fucked up. My heart's racing.

I can barely move. It's like I've been drugged.

You'll have to wrap this.

I can't.

What are you talking about?

I need more. What?

I need more, Jack.

I feel like I'm gonna tear my eyes out if I don't feed.

What are we gonna do?

Naw, you tell that bitch she'd better shut the fuck up

or I'm gonna have her walking up Pennsylvania for 45 a nut.

I don't care if she's pregnant!

Yeah, I got to go.

What the fuck do you want? I'm looking to score.

You? Get the fuck out of here! It's not for me, man.

It's for my girl, man. She's in real bad shape.

Oh, that whore that you fished outta the trash the other night?

You should've left her where you found her, dawg.

Come on, man, she's really messed up.

She's bad. Look, I got money, man. Come see.

Come on, man.

Come see.

She's in here.

I need to be paid first, homey.

Come see her first. I don't know how much she needs.

This ain't for the stuff, dawg.

This is for the consultation. A bill.

What the fuck are you talking about?

Suit yourself.

Hold on, hold on.

Where the fuck is she?

I don't know. She was here when I left.

Danika?

See, I knew you were fucking wasting my time, player.

What the fuck?

Yo, you got a problem, bitch?

I need you.

Oh, yeah?

How bad do you need me, baby girl?

I need you very, very bad.

Yo, why don't you get rid of your man,

and we can find another way to work this off?

You know what I'm saying?

That won't be necessary.

I want him to watch.

Oh, y'all are into some kinky shit!

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Oh, oh-we-oh ♪

♪ She was built like a bullet ♪

♪ Raised like sugar, like a pill ♪

♪ With a face for reality ♪

♪ I wasn't looking for thunder ♪

♪ But I came back up from under ♪

♪ Like a shark in a shallow city ♪

♪ Ooh! Still waiting Ooh! Still waiting ♪

Jack...

Jack, why won't you look at me?

You've got fucking blood all over your face.

♪ Sugar ♪

Do you hate me?

No, it's just...

No, forget about it. It's not important.

No.

No, tell me.

If you're thinking about it, it is important.

I don't know how to explain it.

It's like being starved for food and sex all at the same time.

You hate me.

Please, don't hate me.

I couldn't live with that.

I could never hate you.

Now go get me a fucking mop, clean that mess up.

Will he fit? I fucking hope so.

We're just gonna have to squish him in real tight.

That's my shirt!

Fuck!

- I want my CDs! - Holy shit!

This bitch must want her shit bad.

Get her the fuck off me!

What should I do? I don't know!

Fucking give her shit back or kill her!

Fucking kill that bitch! She's already dead!

Fucking stab her or something! Get her the fuck off me, man!

What the fuck? Come on!

Did I hit her heart?

You most definitely did not hit her heart!

Is she dead-er?

Fuck! You women never give up!

You're a medic! How do you not know where her heart is?

That did it. That shit did it.

You dead, bitch.

Fuck your shit.

My new bitch is wearing your clothes. What!

My new bitch is rocking your CDs.

Oh, shit. My new bitch is watching your TV.

Fuck you! Yeah!

You want to do the honors? I can't.

Oh, I can.

What's with you women?

Always got to bring along baggage.

I feel like we're packing for Cancun.

Yeah? Somehow I don't think a day on the beach

is what I need right now.

Yeah, I guess tanning at night defeats the purpose.

♪ Fire escape ♪

♪ Street-side drummer ♪

♪ Been a mistake ♪

♪ My heart's been torn asunder ♪

♪ Every day, measure back, measure ♪

♪ Your harmonies keep my wish to become better ♪

Neat trick, sleeping with your eyes open.

Fuck, Jack, you look like the walking dead.

I what?

What is this girl doing to you?

No, nothing. It's all good.

"It's all good"!

It's just a little complicated, that's all.

Oh, it's complicated.

Right.

You gonna give me details, or is this 20 Questions, huh?

Oh...let me start.

So did you try the finger-up-the-bum thing, huh?

A lot of women like that, they just don't admit it.

Women.

Jack, you ever think that maybe she's not the one, you know?

I mean, she's draining the life out of you.

Some girls are just like that.

Needy.

No, not needy. They're just...

It's like those, those, those, those black holes, you know.

They just, they just suck all the energy out of you

till there's nothing left.

It's not like that at all.

No? Well, not exactly.

Go home, Jack.

My shift's not over.

You're a zombie. You know?

You're useless to me. You're a liability.

Go home, get some solid rest, come back fresh tomorrow.

You sure?

Beat it.

But, Jack?

This is the last fucking time I'm doing this for you.

Thanks, Rog.

Right. "Thanks, Rog."

"Thanks, Rog."

What are you doing?

How long did you go out with her?

Six months.

Why are you looking at them? I'm bored.

Can we close this thing? It's freaking me the fuck out.

What did you see in her?

I wish I knew.

Why is it that some people you click with

and others, no matter how hard you try, you never do?

Are you trying to tell me something?

Could you ever be like me?

Like her?

That thing is nothing like you,

although it's exactly like Sherry,

all angry, fucked-up and shit.

Why? Why wasn't she like me?

I don't know.

I'm not sure. I mean, everyone's different.

Maybe it's the way you turn.

I mean, I took you in, looked after you.

Sherry... I fucking shoved her in a box.

You'd be pretty pissed off, too.

Maybe there's a chance we could be together.

You know...like forever.

Forever's a long time.

What'd I do?

You'd better stay back.

Why?

Again?

You don't know what it's like!

It's like I want to fuck you and eat you at the same time.

You just had some yesterday.

I need more.

Whoo!

Want some? Want some? No!

Hey.

Get the fuck out of here, ambulance man.

Okay, tweaker, I guess you don't want to know

about your friend who's in trouble.

Bullshit. Yeah, seriously.

He's messed up real bad and he keeps asking about you.

Me?

Yeah.

Where, where is he?

I'll show you.

All right, he's in there, he won't come out.

Go get him.

Fuck me.

I'm afraid of the dark.

Don't be.

It's your friend in there.

Go get him.

Push? You in there, buddy? It's me.

We're gonna get you all fixed up.

Push? Push, it's me.

Is that you? Whoa!

Mmm...

Feeling better?

Like a new woman.

Mmm.

I'm gonna go shower.

Oh, go ahead.

Yeah, please, do that,

and I'll clean up this mess again!

♪ Whee! ♪

♪ Hee-hee! ♪

♪ Ha! ♪

♪ Tidy up your mess Uh-huh! ♪

♪ Tidy up your mess Hee-hee! ♪

♪ Everybody do your best to tidy up your mess ♪

♪ Yeah! ♪

♪ Tidy up your mess ♪

♪ Tidy up your mess ♪

♪ Everybody do your best to tidy up your mess ♪

♪ Whee! ♪

♪ Tidy up your mess Yee-haw! ♪

♪ Tidy up that mess ♪

♪ Everybody, tidy up, tidy up your mess ♪

♪ Tidy up your mess ♪

♪ Tidy up your mess ♪

♪ Everybody do your best to tidy up your mess ♪

♪ Ooh-wah! ♪

Be sure to send your contest application

to the address on First Street.

And now we return

to Late, Great Crappy Movies on channel...

Do you believe in love at first sight?

I didn't until I met you.

Really?

Yeah, I mean, I have seen girls

I've been attracted to and stuff,

but none of them made me feel the way you do.

Jack, that's the sweetest thing anyone's ever said to me.

What can I say? I'm a sweet guy.

Yeah, you are. And conceited, too.

Blocked!

Blocked! Blocked!

Blocked!

Yeah. You know.

I'm gonna get you. Yeah, you are.

Just wait. But watch. This is my favorite part.

Come on, you can do it. Kick it. New school.

Wow. What's the occasion? Let's go out.

Out, where? Anywhere. I don't care.

I'm sick of being cooped up in here.

Take me somewhere.

No. No way. We can't go anywhere, it's too risky.

Come on. Just for a little while?

We could go to a bar.

It's not happening.

Are you embarrassed to be seen with me?

Of course not. What is it, then?

I just want to get out of this stinking apartment

for a little while.

Can't you do that for me?

Don't you love me?

Love you?

I just hid three fucking bodies for you!

How could you ask me that shit?

Well, then why is it too risky?

Forget it!

No, tell me.

What if you're out,

and you want to feed in public and shit? I can't stop you.

You can't stop yourself.

What if someone recognizes you

and they try to take you away from me?

Jack, no one's gonna take me from you.

I'm yours.

Now, are you coming, or not?

Definitely not, and neither are you.

If you want some fresh air, we'll go up on the roof

hang out under the stars, kick it old-school.

Aw, shit.

Jesus Christ. What the...?

Hey! Let me out of here!

Let me out of here!

Hey!

I'm not dead. I'm not dead!

Danika, get me the fuck out of here!

Shh.

Don't struggle, Jack. It will only make it worse.

Jesus Christ! Don't do this, Danika!

So long, honey. It's been real.

What the hell?

Hello?

Jack, where the hell are you?

Ah, shit!

Get your ass to work, idiot.

I can't, man. I'm sick and, fuck, Danika's missing.

I-I got to go.

Where the fuck have you been?

Out.

Who's this?

This is Maya. Maya, this is Jack.

Hi, Jack.

Jack gets to play, too.

As long as you're there, he can do whatever he wants.

Come.

Yeah, Jack, come. You wouldn't want to keep

a couple of ladies waiting, would you?

Are you fucking crazy?

Go on in. We'll be a minute.

You pick up some girl and bring her to my fucking house?

What the fuck are you thinking? Shh! She's for us.

Don't tell me to fucking "shh".

What, are you gonna fucking eat her?

Jack, I want you,

but I don't want to hurt you if I lose control.

That's what she's for.

Wait, so you're gonna bite her instead of me,

like some fucking chew toy?

I don't know any other way.

No, okay? Junkies, dealers, that's one thing.

But just some girl? You're gonna fucking kill her!

Not if you stop me in time.

Not if I stop you in time?

Come.

What are you fucking doing, Jack?

♪ Everyone ♪

♪ Making it out to be ♪

♪ Something that it's not ♪

♪ Every day ♪

♪ Give it all up to be ♪

♪ Something that will not ♪

♪ Holding my hand ♪

♪ Leading me back to the places I forgot ♪

♪ And every day ♪

♪ Showing me that

♪ What I want I haven't got ♪

♪ Who's going to save you? ♪

♪ Who's going to save you? ♪

♪ Every time you fall? ♪

♪ Who's going to pick up ♪

♪ Who's going to pick up every time you call ♪

♪ Every time you fall? ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Everyone ♪

♪ Making it out to be ♪

♪ Something that it's not ♪

♪ Tell me what you need from me ♪

♪ I'll tell you what I want from you ♪

Holy fuck! What did you do?!

She's fucking dead, Danika! Holy shit!

What the fuck?

Holy fucking shit!

What the fuck?!

I was starving. The hunger took me over.

Fucking starving?

When people are fucking starving they go to the fucking fridge

and get chips and fucking apples and shit!

They don't eat the fucking person laying next to 'em.

What the fuck? She was an innocent girl!

She wasn't like the others.

No. The others were men.

You know what the fuck I mean! What the fuck?

Look at me! I'm fucking covered in fucking blood!

I've been sleeping in her fucking death!

I'm sorry! I couldn't help myself.

"I'm sorry." You're sorry. You're fucking sorry.

Fuck! I'm gonna put a fucking end to this shit, right now!

How?

Tell me how?

How am I gonna make it stop?

You think I want to be doing this?

You think I wanted to end up like this?

I have no control over it!

Well, I do and I'm putting an end to it, man.

No more fucking feeding, no more fucking bodies!

I'll die without it! Is that what you want?

No! I don't know what the fuck I want!

But I don't want to be responsible

for any more fucking bodies!

I know that fucking much.

All right, get your fucking ass off the bed

and help me clean this shit up!

Jesus Christ, this has gone way too far. Fuck!

Jack! Where's my rent money?

Open up! I know you're in there!

- Shh. - Jack!

Fuck! We got to hide her.

Where's my rent? What the fuck?

I told you I'd bring it to you when you call a plumber.

I am the plumber. I fix right now!

Now's not a good time.

Who's she? She a hooker?

That is none of your business, okay?

She in my building, she's my business.

Aye-ya!

What's that mess on the floor?

It's nothing. I'm cleaning it up right now.

It's just an accident.

Is that blood?

It's not what it looks like, honest.

I'm going to call the police.

Get off her! What are you doing?

Get the fuck away from me!

Well, look who decided to show up today.

I'm not in the mood tonight, man.

Not in the mood?

I've been covering your ass for three days.

Yeah, sorry about that.

Sorry.

Is there something you want to tell me?

Like where the fuck you've been?

I don't want to talk about it.

You look like ass, Jack.

Not yourself.

I'm fine, all right? I just haven't got much sleep.

Yeah. That's what you've been saying.

What the fuck's your problem?

A small discrepancy in the inventory this week.

A bag of blood went missing.

Dayshift said it's our fuck-up, but that's bullshit.

It disappeared on their shift. So it's their problem.

That's what I said.

But Bill said you came in the other day with a bullshit story

about forgetting your wallet in the fridge.

What the fuck would I want with a bag of blood?

That's what I'd like to know.

You look like shit, Jack.

You don't show up for work,

and you've been squirrelly ever since you met this bitch.

Now, look, Jack, if there's something you want to tell me,

I'll understand.

I've been there. Hmm?

But you got to be straight with me.

Red 17, we have a report of an unconscious male

bleeding out at East End Convenience.

Third and Avenue C. Copy?

Fuck, that's near my house!

Copy that, Dispatch. We're on our way.

Fuck! He's not responding.

Damn bullet must've passed right through him,

probably nicked an artery.

Gel it.

Come on, buddy. Stay with us.

You know this guy?

Yeah, he kicked me out of the store last week

for getting blood on the floor. Oh, a real sweetheart.

Charged. Clear!

Not worried about the blood now, are you?

Still no heartbeat. Give me an amp eppi.

Come on, come on, come on.

My type ain't gonna let you die tonight.

What the fuck are you talking about?

Nothing. Jesus! Clear!

We got a heartbeat! Let's get him in the van.

Nice save, Rog! See you tomorrow.

Hold up, kid.

The rig needs servicing.

I need you to run it over to the depot

and bring back a replacement.

It's all the way across fucking town, man.

I have to get home.

Yeah. The missus is going to have to wait, Jacko.

And we aren't done our little conversation.

Jack's not here.

I know. He's running an errand.

Maybe you should come back when Jack's here.

No, I'm good.

Do you know how long I've known Jack?

Two years. I trained him.

He told me. He thinks really highly of you.

Yeah, he's a good kid.

Just a little stupid when it comes to women.

So what are you saying?

You think I'm not good enough for him?

Hard to say. I don't know you.

Then again, neither does Jack, does he?

What are you doing? What's your story, huh?

Where do you come from?

And, more importantly, what are you hiding from?

I'm not hiding from anything. Really?

You're camped out here at my buddy's place.

You got nowhere to go, no I.D., no family.

You're hiding something, sweet tits.

I think you should leave now. I'll tell Jack you stopped by.

Cut the crap, bitch!

Girls like you don't just shack up with guys like Jack.

Fuck! Girls like you don't exist outside of jerk-off magazines.

No, you're hiding from something,

and whatever lies you've got coming down

I'm betting they're coming down hard on Jack, too.

I'm not mixed up in anything, and I'm not a liar.

No, you're just a junkie. You got Jack using, too?

I'm not an addict.

And what the hell are you looking for?

This!

What have you got him into, huh?

What the fuck are you doing with a bag of blood?

Christ. Is that how you kicked the junk?

Huh?

He gave you a fucking blood transfusion?

You need to go now.

No. I don't think so.

I think we'll just sit tight

and wait for old Jackie boy to get home.

You wouldn't want to cause any trouble for Jack, would you?

He thinks the world of you.

Let's just forget you came by. Okay?

Hey, Jack.

What the fuck are you doing here?

Me and Danika are just having a little heart-to-heart.

About you, of course.

You send me on a fucking errand

so you can come here and talk to her behind my back?

You got problems, kid. Big problems.

Uh, listen, Rog, I ain't got time for this shit right now.

Yeah, I bet you don't.

What are you gonna lie to me about next? Huh, Jack?

You wouldn't believe me if I told you.

Try me.

Jack!

Listen, Rog, you gotta go, man. Why don't you just go home?

I got shit to deal with, man.

You're doing it again, Jack.

Doing what?

Throwing it all away on a piece of ass.

Remember your last two relationships?

You ditched your friends, you ditched your family.

Who's left, huh? You gonna ditch me, Jack?

No. No, I'm not gonna ditch you. You're not listening to me.

I just need you to go home.

Get the fuck out of here, Rog!

Get out of my way, you junkie bitch.

Not so fast, Roger! Let him go, Danika!

Go home. Come on, Rog.

What the hell was that all about?

She's all fucked up. Listen up.

Go home, get drunk, read a magazine or something.

What? I just got to use your crapper.

I--

Asshole!

What the fuck? That's my best friend!

You know what, that's my only fucking friend,

and you're sitting here, ready to fucking pounce on him?

He suspects something. He could ruin all of this.

He ain't gonna ruin shit.

If you ever look at him like that again, I'll fucking--

You'll what?

I'll put an end to whatever the hell "us" is.

Let's go out.

Have you listened to anything I said?

I need more. Let's go find me something.

How the fuck could you need more?

It's never enough.

Come with me.

Jack, I want to get the hell out of here!

Just come! We'll, we'll go out.

Clean yourself up.

Jack?

Jack! Jack, please let me out!

What are you doing? Let me out!

No. Jack, please!

Please let me out!

You're just gonna have to go hungry. I'm sorry!

Jack! Jack, don't do this to me!

I'll be back as soon as I can. I have to think some things out.

Jack...

Jack!

Let me out of here, you bastard!

Shit.

Must be nice.

Yeah, one fucking second! I'm on the goddamn can!

Well, look who's come to apologize.

And you do owe me one, by the way.

I almost shit myself on the way back from your place.

I was turtling the whole way.

We need to talk. Can I come in?

Come on. Thanks.

Sorry about the smell. The fan's busted.

Why don't we talk outside, huh?

So, what the fuck was that about, back at your place?

It's complicated, Rog. I mean, I just want you to know,

anything I said I didn't mean, all right?

I just wanted to get you out of there

before anything bad happened.

Something bad?

What the hell's this broad got you tied up in?

All I know is, I need her out of my fucking life

faster than she came in.

Well, shit. Now, that's the first piece of sense

I've heard you talk in weeks.

So, did you kick her out of your place?

I'm scared to.

Why? What is she? Some kind of psycho, or a ninja or something?

Huh? Tell her to get the fuck out!

"Hit the road!"

Christ, if you don't,

she's gonna be sucking the life out of you forever.

Forever's a long time.

Fuckin' A.

What the fuck do I say to her? I--

I-I don't know. Tell her some woman shit. You know, like--

What did what's-her-name say to you when she broke up with you?

Sherry? Yeah.

She said it was, uh, too soon after her last relationship,

and, you know, in their language, it meant,

"I'm getting my hot-pocket stuffed by my yoga instructor."

There you go. There you go.

Tell her the same thing, you know,

which in our language means, "Get the fuck out."

She met Sherry. She'll never believe that.

Well, then, you've got to be more blunt.

Break her heart now before it's too late. Huh?

You want to know the quickest way to a woman's heart,

in my opinion?

Yeah. Yeah?

Right through her fuckin' chest!

You want a beer, huh? Yeah. Come on.

- That's it, Rog! - Yeah? What's it?

I'll explain later. I'll call you.

What the hell did I say?

"Right through her fucking chest."

Oh, fuck!

Hello? Jack, is that you?

Yeah, it's me.

Jack?

Jack.

Please let me out of here.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, too.

I'll let you out, I promise, but I need to talk to you.

Can you do that for me?

I don't seem to have much choice now, do I?

I can't do this anymore. It's killing me inside.

All right? I'm dying. It's--

I totally lost myself in this relationship,

and I just need to get me back.

Are you breaking up with me?

It's not you, it's me. It's--

I can't be in this situation.

What situation, Jack?

Things are amazing between us.

I just need to eat.

You wouldn't want me to go hungry, would you?

To starve?

All right, if "eating" meant

bringing you to the nicest restaurants in town

then I would spend every last penny on you, Danika.

But that's not the case.

I can't help it, Jack.

I didn't ask for any of this.

But you--

You gave me hope...

...in a situation that I thought was hopeless.

You can't just forget everything we had together.

I'd never forget you, Danika. Okay?

But I just can't be with you.

I can't be in a commitment. It's just... It's just too soon.

Don't quit on me, Jack. Jack, please.

I'll do anything.

Anything, I swear it.

Just please don't leave me.

I need you.

I can't be a part of it.

When I saw that crazed look in your eye today,

I just knew we were over.

I can't believe you're doing this to me.

How could you do this to me?

I need you, Jack.

We were meant to be together.

I can't go on without you, Jack.

I know, Dani. I know.

So, what? You're gonna try and kill me now?

You don't have it in you, Jack.

Nobody locks Baby in the bathroom!

You were wrong, Jack. It's not you. It's me!

Oh, shit.

What the fuck are you doing, Jack?

She's a fucking vampire, Rog!

She fucking killed Sherry and killed a bunch of other people.

She needs to be fucking stopped!

Fuck, Jack. You're worse off than I thought. A vampire?

What the fuck are you on, kid?

Dude, I'm fucking serious! She eats people, man.

She's fucking strung out!

Why do you think I stole the blood?

Why do you think I got you out of here?

She was gonna fucking eat you.

Oh, yeah, yeah. She's gonna eat me.

Yeah! Hey!

Just put the--put the weapon down, okay? All right?

Yeah, just put it down. Is she okay in there, huh?

You didn't hurt her, did you?

Don't go in there, Rog. She'll fucking eat you!

You've fucking lost it, kid.

The bitch has fucking fangs!

I fucking tried to tell you that shit but you wouldn't listen.

No, no, no, no, Jack, you're not hearing me,

that fucking bitch has fangs,

and she's angrier than my first fucking wife!

We gotta fucking kill her.

I'll hold her down and you stab her through the fucking heart.

But don't miss. If you miss, we're both fucking dead.

You better be able to restrain her, you know?

'Cause the last time we were in this fucking situation,

you tried to talk the asshole down.

That was a fucking cockroach in the ear.

Fucking this time-- this is the cockroach.

Okay. You ready?

Son of a bitch. You ready? Count of three.

You ruined everything, Jack.

We could have been together forever!

Oh, it's my fault?

You're the one who eats people, and I'm the asshole?

Fucking women. Seriously.

Oh, spare me the bullshit, Jack.

Ready? One, two-- Whoa, whoa, wait!

On three, or after three? What?

You two are pathetic.

On the count of fuckin' three, Jack. One, two--

I said on fucking three, you idiot!

Oh! Okay

You make this too easy, Jack.

Goddamn it! Son of a bitch!

Is she dead, Jack? Did I kill her?

Rog, how many times did you hit her?

Once.

She ain't dead yet.

Is she dead now, Jack?

Just one more time, for me.

It's okay, Jack. We're gonna get you some help.

Rog, I don't know how it's gonna turn out,

but you can't let me become like her.

I won't, Jack. I won't.

I'm serious, man. I don't want to be a monster.

I don't want to eat people.

I'm gonna take care of you, Jacko,

just like you always wanted. I promise.

Even if it means-- Yeah.

Even that, buddy.

Even that.

It's okay.

Hang in there, bud. Hang in there.

This is Snake from Zit Remedy.

Holy shit, you're right!

This is what happens when your band breaks up, I think.

Silent-- Holy shit.

Silent film. Yeah.

Fuck-a you-a!

Fuck-a you! - No, fuck you.

Suck-a this, binga!

Fuck-a you, and eat my ass!

No, fuck-a you and eat your ass!

Fucking fuck! No, you fuck, very clever.

I will fucking tea-bag you.

I would like to see you tea my brown bag!

Fuck you. No, fuck you.

Fuck off. Shut the fuck up.

Fuck off, bitch.

♪ The very first time ♪

♪ That I saw your brown eyes ♪

♪ Is all that I see ♪

♪ Or maybe the very first time you touched the brown eye ♪

♪ Dangerous era Dangerous times ♪

♪ Hit her with a dick Smack her with a dick ♪

♪ Smack her with a dick Smack her with a dick ♪

♪ Under the eyes... ♪

You know I got a fucking 10-and-a-half-inch dick, right?

That's, like, puke, shit, piss, triple-threat, man, you know.

I'd rather suck a dude's dick than deal with that shit.

Not really, but...

- Fuck it! - Hey! Wake up!

Fuck it, I want to tea-bag him! Close your eyes!

♪ The view is fantastic It's just what I needed to see ♪

Get his legs. Yeah.

I'll get, I'll get his... I'll get his beard.

I'll get his balls.

Pussy mouth?

Give me an H, hey!

Holy fuck, hey!

Oh fuck. Fuck.

Fuck.

Vagina ass!

I'll get this chump fucking out and I will enjoy it.

This is gonna be riding that Big Mac fucking tummy.

Jesus.

Okay, let's get that line again.

What now, bitch?

What?

She's on my fucking foot.

She's fucking touching my balls!

I could get raped. Raped? Yeah.

Ass-raped. If you're lucky.

I'll let you teabag me.

Okay? You can't keep killing people.

Find me somebody, please?

How about I find you a fucking punch

right in your cocksucker.

I should punch you right in your fucking cocksucker.

Bring it.

Right in the cocksucker.

I'll mail it to you.

I'll mail it to you.

Clean that pussy up so I can tap it.

I'm washing my dick nice, bitch!

You sound like my last six fuckin' girlfriends.

"I need more, I need more." I'm sorry, all right?

I only got four inches. What are you gonna do?

Just take me shopping?

"Just take me shopping."

Dinnertime.

Come and get it.

There you go, huh?

Attaboy.

Attaboy.

I gotta take a crap.