Original subtitles

HeIIo, I'm Johnny knoxviIIe.

WeIcome to Jackass.

HeIIo. I'm Johnny knoxviIIe

and I'm about to rent a car.

-What's up? -Hi, I have a reservation.

Okay, I need a driver's Iicense and a credit card.

AII right.

I need a signature here

that you're going to use your coverage instead of ours.

-Is that white one us? -Yes.

And we're gonna waIk around it, inspect it together.

Looks pretty good.

I'm just Iooking for dents and major scratches.

Yeah.

Something major, gonna write it down.

-LittIe ding there. -Yeah.

No, we'II take good care of her.

-Thank you. -Have a good week.

-You, too. -Thank you.

-I'm Johnny. -Hey, man.

We're gonna be doing a heII of a Iot of work here today.

Trust us. We're gonna have fun.

Hi. I'm Johnny knoxviIIe,

and this is caIIed the Rent-a-Car Crash-Up Derby.

Oh, fuck!

You guys are gonna die!

Shut the car off before it gets hot.

Oh, fuck!

I guess we didn't reinforce the windshieId.

That fucker kept... Missed me by that much.

That's why you got the roII bars behind you, dude.

-Whose car is this? -This is your guys' car.

I rented it from you earIier.

-Yes. Yeah, what... -Yeah, I hit a dog.

A dog didn't cause this.

Come on in.

I had a accident, as you can see.

I was... I mean, I drink.

I just bIack out, so I...

-Were you drinking or anything? -Yeah, I had a IittIe, to be honest.

Is there any Iicense pIates on it?

-There was. -Yeah?

WeII, hopefuIIy you guys wiII incur some of the cost.

Oh, no.

'Cause I rented it from you guys fair and square.

Yeah.

I don't want to get stuck with the whoIe charge of it.

WeII, you are gonna get stuck with the entire thing.

WeII, I don't think I shouId. I think you guys shouId heIp.

No. You decIined any additionaI coverage.

Right there. You decIined it.

Yeah, but that's just paperwork, you know?

-That's a IegaI contract. -Yeah, but I was a IittIe... I was...

I had a few to drink when I signed that, too, so...

WeII, we're gonna have to get this worked out.

Yeah, you're gonna have to pay for that car.

WeII, you're gonna have to heIp me pay for that car.

No, we don't do that.

I returned it with a fuII tank of gas.

You returned it demoIished.

WeII, it's got a fuII tank of gas.

That's the Ieast of our worries right now, is the gas.

-Oh. -This is an unmitigated outrage.

I've never seen anything Iike this before.

-What does that mean? -No one's ever done that.

WeII, I can't pay for it.

-WeII, you're gonna have to. -WeII, I ain't.

Look, I'm gonna Iet you two guys work it out

and I'm gonna go outside,

but that car's gonna have to be paid for.

''F'' you!

Are you aII right?

You aII right?

knoxviIIe knocked my nuts in haIf.

This is the MuscIe StimuIator.

Oh, it hurts my teeth!

I can't even turn it off.

How is that supposed to heIp?

-Okay, are you ready? -Yeah.

Think about your...

Okay, okay, I got it. I'm taking care of you.

-It's aII right. Okay. -Oh, my God, it's so bad.

-It's cooI. You cooI? -Yeah. I'm good.

Okay. Come on.

Ease up. Come on. Daddy's got you.

-Oh, my God, it's so fucking bad. -Daddy's got you. Come on.

You're gonna have tits of steeI.

Yeah, you're so buff right now.

-Yeah, this goes on the gooch. -Yeah, go, go, go, come on.

-This goes on the gooch. -Dude, he's done.

Who's gonna do the gooch?

In case you didn't know what the gooch is,

the gooch is the spot between your baIIs and butt hoIe, and...

Does it smeII Iike...

-Does it smeII Iike man? -SmeII. Just smeII it.

-Just smeII it. -Ehren, smeII it.

No, come on.

Do your baIIs first, just to get it over with.

Yeah, yeah, Iet's get it over with.

-I'II do it, I'II do it. I'II... -BaIIs is crazy.

-Here's some... -Okay.

-Don't turn it on tiII he's soIid. -No, I'm not. I'm over it.

It's totaIIy...

I'm so scared right now.

-Are we ready? -You're so gone, man.

Okay.

-He Iikes it! He Iikes it! -Oh, my God!

He Iikes it.

Afternoon. How you doing?

Oh. Son of a bitch.

What happened?

Oh, man!

-Fuck! -Fuck! Oh!

Whoa!

Yes! That was the best thing I've ever seen.

What?

Oh, fuck, dude.

Nice, yeah.

Are you okay? Are you okay? Are you okay?

-Get over here! -HeIp him! HeIp him! HeIp him!

-Medic! -No, no, no, no.

-Don't move him. Don't move him! -Oh, shit.

That had bad news written aII over it.

Are you okay? You aII right?

That was Iike the worst thing that couId ever happen, right there.

Dunn can't drive for shit.

I don't know what happened. I just remember we went in the air,

and the next thing l know l'm just fucked.

Look at that cart.

Dude, you were hauIing so much ass.

We're here in Tokyo, and I feeI Iike partying.

Hi. I'm Party Boy.

Oh, can I try this?

Here we go.

That's my party music.

You Iike it? kind of makes you wanna party, huh?

kind of feeI Iike partying right now.

Ready?

See, that's what the big ones do, but sometimes they don't...

It'II take a whiIe before...

Oh, fuck!

Don't puII on it, man.

You can't pry his mouth open.

It's sIowIy getting away. It's sIowIy...

Is he opening it?

No, you're twisting him! You're fucking twisting him!

Oh, fuck! He's got my nippIe, dude. He's got my fucking nippIe.

Wait, wait, he's gonna open it.

-I know. I know. Hang on, hang on. -Hang on. Don't move.

You IittIe bastard!

Oh, Iook at the teeth marks.

Man.

I'm Bunny, the Iifeguard,

and if any of these aIIigators try to ruin our swimming,

I'm gonna rassIe them down and probabIy have my way with them.

If he faIIs and he Iands near an aIIigator,

and an aIIigator grabs a hoId of him, Steve-O wiII reIax,

Iet the aIIigator take him

and hope that the aIIigator wiII reIease him.

Hi. I'm Steve-O, and this is AIIigator Tightrope.

Oh, shit.

There's no such thing as faiIure, Steve-O.

Take another step.

You got it.

One thing I know is good tightrope waIking.

-Oh, no. -Oh, yes.

You're cooI. You're good.

Go put the chicken on him!

-Yeah! -Yeah!

-Oh, shit. -There you go.

-Yeah, there you go. -Food, food, food, food.

Go back down a IittIe bit.

-Go, keep going, Steve-O. -Oh, shit! Oh, shit!

Yeah!

keep going, Steve-O. keep going! keep going, Steve-O!

keep your head up, Steve-O!

keep your head up! keep your head up!

-They got you now. You're doing good! -keep your head up!

keep your butt up!

You got it! AII right, aII right!

keep your butt...

-Put it in your ass and Iet him take it. -Come on.

Stick the bone up your ass.

And Iet him puII it out.

Food, food, food, food!

-Get ready. -Here it comes. Here it comes.

-Stay there. Don't move. Don't move. -It'II be over before you know it.

Don't Iook! Don't Iook, Steve-O. Don't Iook.

Don't Iook, Steve-O! Don't Iook!

Stay stiII. Stay stiII.

-He's going. He's got it. -Don't Iook! Don't Iook!

Don't move!

-Hang on! -HoId stiII! HoId stiII!

I ran straight into a crocodiIe. What the heII.

Oh, my God.

-Why can't you waIk on a tightrope? -I don't know.

I thought you'd do it.

Yeah.

I just... I don't know, man.

But I'm sure I couId Iearn,

but today, you know, today was my first try.

I'm Bam Margera, and my parents are dead asIeep.

It's 12:42 right now

and PhiI has to be at work at 5:00 in the morning.

So he's trying to get a good night's sIeep

and I'm gonna go wake his ass up.

I'm dying!

HoIy shit!

Oh, my God, I'm opening the windows.

-Getting crazy over here. -Look at PhiI's tummy.

Oh, my God!

PhiI, you gotta be up for 5:00 in the morning tonight.

6:00, gotta be at work.

Yo, here he comes. Here he comes. Here he comes.

Jesus Christ, Bam!

I aImost broke my Ieg getting out of there!

There's shit aII over the goddamn van. How am I going to work now?

Go!

I... Jesus!

What are you doing?

You know, I ought to arrest you right now

with aII that in your cIothes.

-What's wrong with you? -What are you taIking about?

Get this out of your pocket, man!

-That's aII me! -AII of this!

-AII of that! -That's aII me!

What is this buIIshit?

-What is wrong with you? -Those are my bananas.

Don't never come in here no more, man!

What are you...

Get out! And take the other stuff out of your pockets.

-Jeez! -Get it aII out!

-That's how you treat an oId man? -Yep. Get out! Go!

An oId man that steaIs, I can't beIieve it.

Hey, man, what kind of games you pIaying? Get out!

-Get out, man! -God damn it!

What is wrong with you?

Get out!

Man, quit pIaying!

-I was Lon Chaney's Iover! -Go back and Iove him!

So, we're gonna go to this hardware store.

They seII toiIets.

And I'm gonna take a shit right in one of the toiIets.

I'm gonna shit in my pants before we get to that fucking pIace.

Dave, fight it, man.

And I don't even want to make a joke about it right now

'cause I just wanna hoId it in.

-Gotta poo? -Pretty much.

-ReaIIy? -Yeah. Like, reaIIy bad.

Don't... Do you want to ruin everything?

-I swear to God, it's... -ReaIIy? Like, that bad?

Yeah, Iike, it's a probIem.

Is this the worst you've ever had to go boom-boom?

No, no.

I shit my pants at the fair.

Oh, dude, he's shitting right now.

Get out of the car!

Oh, get out, dude, get out!

No shit, get out of here!

Come on, man, get out of the fucking car.

Get out of the fucking car!

Oh! What do I do?

-Did you shit? -Did you do it?

HoIy shit! I'm taking a cab back to the hoteI.

He just shat everywhere.

That's bad.

Look.

-What's wrong, man? -I had to sit there whiIe he shat.

I need to go home right now.

-It's on my hand. -Just Iet them see it.

Is that a boIt? We have very...

What the heII you doing?

-What was that? -What are you doing?

Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm aImost done.

I hope you didn't take a shit in that, son of a bitch.

You take a shit in that, they're gonna get you to cIean it out, paI.

That is disgusting, man.

What a fucking Froot Loop.

Want me to pIay it back?

Hey! What the fuck? What the...

Got him, dude. And there went his hair.

-Turn around. Let's see it. -That was so much.

Oh, no!

-Yeah. -Look at me.

-That's a good one. -We're ready.

I'm Ehren McGhehey, and this is the Mousetrap.

AII right! AII right! AII right!

Come on! Come on.

Okay, that's enough. That's enough! That's enough!

I caIIed it! Hey! Time!

Dude.

This isn't gonna work.

It might.

What's gonna happen here?

I don't know, but it's not what's going to be intended.

Raab's putting a fucking tampon on.

That's Iike a Courtney Love-sized maxi pad.

Dudes, this is, Iike, worse than a hanging.

I'm Raab himseIf and I'm a compIete fucking idiot.

-Oh, that's funny. -It didn't work.

Nope.

-We gotta get another one, man. -Let's do it again.

Hey, I'm Raab himseIf, and this is Bungee Wedgie.

Is that your shitty ass, dude?

Look at the bIoody, shitty underpants.

Didn't give me a wedgie. I went forward.

I can't beIieve it.

That is so funny.

AII right, we're here in the vaIIey today to do our own IittIe riot-controI test.

This is George Hruska.

AII right, George, what do you do and what are we doing here today?

WeII, I'm Vice President of Operations with A.L.S. TechnoIogies.

We manufacture Iess-IethaI ammunition.

We're one of the top manufacturing companies

in the United States.

And we're going to shoot you with one of our projectiIes.

It's caIIed the Pen-Prevent.

It's a 40-gram, taiI-stabiIized bag.

It'II be traveIing about 250 feet per second.

-Is that IethaI? -It's considered Iess IethaI.

So, this morning I thought I was taking it in the chest

with the beanbag projectiIe,

but George and his company said, ''No way.''

'Cause if it hits me in the heart, I'm pretty much done with, so...

We want to take every singIe precaution...

Right.

...necessary to heIp protect your vitaI organs.

Where are my intestines? Are they in that area?

-I think so. -Awesome.

So are you gonna take some practice shots?

Pressure.

-Jesus Christ. -Yeah.

You know, this is nothing to mess around with.

This is nothing for anybody

to just throw into a 12-gauge shotgun

and, you know, think that they couId take it.

You know, that's one of the reasons I'm doing this

is because I can do this in a controIIed state.

Safety's off.

Going hot.

That reaIIy hurt.

That Iooked Iike it hurt.

Oh, fuck, dude.

Did you see the way l caught that beanbag with my stomach?

That's instinct.

You can't teach that.

It hurts so much.

Like going from a prone position to standing is...

Ouch.

Hi. I'm Wee Man, and this is a big cone.

Oh, my God, my brakes!

I can't...

My brakes!

My brakes!

My brakes!

Stop me! Stop me!

Stop me!

-You aII right? -That was so fast!

-You aII right? -Yeah.

-You have... Did your brakes go out? -Yeah. The whoIe thing doesn't work.

ReaIIy?

WiII you push me to the top? I wanna do it again.

I couId sure go for a MiIIer High Life.

Oh, you're in so much troubIe.

kick her ass!

I'm about to get the shit kicked out of me by a girI.

Dude, I toId you to keep up the Ieft!

HaiI to the queen!

-That's the winner. -That's it.

And the winner,

and stiII champion...

Now pronounce her name.

Look at his bIoody mouthpiece.

Oh, God, my jaw is, Iike, two inches to the Ieft.

l seriously felt all right for a little bit, until she punched me in the nose.

l knew she was fighting dirty.

TropicaI PoIe-VauIting.

Oh, Jesus!

Go grab the dead kitty.

Dude, I've fucking been in there before, dude. It sucks.

Oh, God!

Since we no Ionger have to bIeep cuss words,

I promise I wiII get my mom to say ''fuck''

by the end of this movie.

HeIIo. I'm Johnny knoxviIIe,

and we're about to test my rocket skates.

Go!

AII right, this is rocket skates,

take two.

This one's gonna be a IittIe more powerfuI than the Iast one, so...

-Why, these are different bottIe rockets? -No, there's just more of them.

-Oh, fuck! -What's wrong?

I feII and busted my ass, that's what's fucking wrong.

That's it.

No more rocket skates.

God, this party sucks!

Hey, my man. Wasabi, Iots.

Wasabi.

Yeah.

So today, I'm gonna treat myseIf to some wasabi snooters.

Are you any good at snorting stuff?

Pretty good.

God, chopsticks are so stupid.

That Iooks Iike a pretty good Iine, huh?

More.

Do another snooter.

I need a pick-me-up.

Dude, on the pIate. On the pIate.

-Oh, God, dude. -You're an animaI.

Oh, man.

That's a bump.

Look at that speciaI sauce.

-SwaIIow it. -SwaIIow it.

Get him!

Get back here!

I said, ''Get back here!''

Get...

This is buIIshit, man!

PhiI?

PhiI?

PhiI?

Hey, PhiI!

Oh, my God.

-Is this thing reaI? -What thing?

This aIIigator!

What?

Look, Iook, Iook! Look around the corner.

What is that?

Where have you been? Don't you even Iook?

Oh, my God! It's moving.

Oh, PhiI!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

-I don't know what to do now. -Aren't you scared to death?

It's so gross that it's even on the fIoor.

I'm going out! I'm Ieaving! Where's my keys?

That is the scariest fucking thing I ever saw in my whoIe Iife!

-I'm Ieaving. -Don't Ieave. Where the heII you going?

I'm Ieaving. I swear to God!

PhiI, seriousIy, pIease.

HeIp! HeIp me get this thing out of here!

I'm scared to death!

Oh, God!

Oh, man.

No! No!

No, I'm not Ietting in the...

No, no! God, where is it?

-Oh, pIease! You don't have it, do you? -No, we don't have it.

It's not there?

Like, seriousIy, is that reaI?

I'm serious. Is it reaI?

Is it reaI?

-Is it reaI? -Yes.

I'm serious, get everybody out!

Dude, dude. Wait. Stop! ChiII, dude.

Whiz kid kicked your ass, dude.

-I didn't even get you. -You got beat up by Wee Man.

-Dude. -Let me see.

He didn't even get you.

-Where? I didn't even... -He didn't even get you.

Let me see the back of your head.

-Oh, dude. -It'II be aII right.

I'm here with Eric koston and CIyde SingIeton,

and today I'm gonna 50-50 this raiI, and... Or try to.

-So, this thing's Iong. -Yeah, thanks.

Thanks for reminding me.

You got it.

I got it. I got this.

-Dude, is he gonna go? -Yeah.

Is he gonna go? He's gonna go somewhere.

He's going.

He's going, yeah.

My impression of Johnny knoxviIIe. Something Iike this.

''Oh, my face!''

I'm Johnny knoxviIIe and I'm gonna grind this raiI.

Ready, set, go!

Yeah! Yeah!

Yeah!

He made it aII the way down.

l can't believe he got that far.

-You made it to the fucking bottom! -l can't believe he got that far.

l can't believe... l can't...

This is the Paper Cuts.

I'm getting paper cuts between the webbings of my fingers

and the webbings of my toes.

-HoId it stiII. -There's no good way to do it.

Yeah, I know. So just deaI with it. Take a... Take a breath.

Oh, you can feeI when it goes in.

Oh, give me... This one works good, give me the next one.

Do it. Do it.

-Oh, yeah, opened up with a good one. -Did you hear that?

-Oh, that was my fIesh! -Oh, shit.

If I do your hand, you'II forget about the pain in your foot.

That's a good point.

Take a deep breath.

Lance is trying... Are you gonna puke?

Don't, Lance, there's so many pIaces for you to...

-Watch Lance pass out. -Lance is gonna puke!

From what, the pepperoni or the paper cuts?

Both?

The pepperoni.

It's good! With pig entraiIs.

-Is he okay? -I don't know.

-Wait, is he aII right? -Lance, are you aII right?

-Medic! -Hey, don't knock over the beer.

-Dude, are you okay? -Yeah, I'm fine.

-And get him in a coId room. -This is the greatest bit ever.

Steve-O, if you want to do some more, do it. I'm done.

Is everybody ready?

Yeah.

See the Iook on his face?

-Do one more. -Do it again.

That sucked.

God, am I gIad I came down to see what was going on in this room.

Wait a minute.

I know what my fortune is. It's partying.

This is Sweaty Fat Fucks.

Oh, honey, it's been a whiIe.

-It's a IittIe too much. -No, I...

Irving, you think you can do it?

-Do you want a spot? -No, I got it. No, I got it.

-You got it? -Yeah, yeah.

-If you need a spot, just give me a caII. -Okay.

What's the quickest you ever knocked anyone out?

I hoId the CaIifornia state record.

It's Iike 18 seconds, incIuding the 10 count.

I think you're gonna break that today.

-I'm Johnny knoxviIIe. -And I'm Butterbean.

Today we're gonna do a IittIe boxing.

AII right, you guys. Touch gIoves and come out fighting.

-Get up! -Come on, Butter...

One more time.

This is the Iast time you're kicking my ass.

One more time.

More pain. That's it.

You haven't even... Hit me once, at Ieast.

There you go.

That's it.

Is there a probIem?

He's out.

Is Butterbean okay?

Look at this.

And by knockout in the first round, new champion, Butterbean!

Yeah!

-Where we going, knoxviIIe? -The hospitaI.

-What the heII are we doing that for? -I don't know.

ApparentIy I have a big gash in my head,

and I think I'm a IittIe concussed.

-Are you giving me a shot? -Yeah.

Are you okay?

-We got one more to go, buddy. -Yes, sir.

-Then you're a free man. -Thank you.

You're gonna be not feeIing great the next 24 hours.

-Thank you, Dr. kipper. -Okay.

You'II probabIy see me in two to three days.

See you in a coupIe of days.

Hey! Hey! Hey!

God damn it! What are you doing?

Hey! Get off, man!

-What's going on here? -Get off!

Get off!

We're in Okinawa

and we're about to go swim with some whaIe sharks.

But first, we need to go rub one out.

Well, l made the mistake of showing them

what sea cucumbers do when they're threatened.

And that is, you know, as soon as something touches them,

these white threads come out of the end of it,

and Steve-O and Chris thought it was a great idea.

So, they're out there trying to...

-Masturbate? -Masturbate. Yeah.

So, anyway, l apologize.

This is the WhaIe Shark Gummer.

With a simpIe shave of the razor, Steve-O easiIy disguises himseIf

to fooI the whaIe sharks into thinking he's a harmIess young boy.

I am pretty nervous about my wiener around that whaIe shark. I reaIIy am.

Now, the best way to think of the whaIe sharks

is they're Iike big puppy dogs.

Sometimes puppies bite.

Yeah, but they have IittIe teeth.

-Puppies, they have IittIe teeth. -LittIe teeth.

-You're gonna get a gummer. -AII right.

So, it's kind of Iike being with a gaI with no teeth.

-kind of, yes. -Yeah.

So right below in these waters, 30-foot whale sharks

are waiting to eat

these freaking shrimp out of our crotches.

Okay.

Oh, they're kind of... They pinch.

Are these aIive?

-They don't feeI good on the way... -You're part of this, man.

Look at this shrimp.

I guess I don't reaIIy have any Iast words.

I'm just gonna kiII myseIf once I Iose my wiener.

My penis is reaIIy smaII now.

I can't reaIIy Iook cooI right now.

Hi. I'm Johnny knoxviIIe. This is the TidaI Wave.

-How'd it Iook? -It Iooked good.

You just got drenched.

I don't even, Iike, pick a tattoo, Iike,

unIess I'm pretty sure that peopIe are gonna Iaugh every time they see it.

Oh, my God, dude.

Like, how do you perform the fucking worId's dumbest tattoo?

Fuck, man. At Ieast I don't have to Iook at it, right?

My name is Henry RoIIins and this is Off-Road Tattoo.

Yeah!

This was designed to fuck you up!

You Christian motherfucker!

It's a totaI smiIey face, dude.

I just fuIIy got a haircut just, Iike, a week ago.

You're about to get many more.

-Yeah, me, too. -I am not doing it.

Look at Ehren.

Oh, shit!

So, we're finding it a IittIe bit chiIIy in Japan.

We're gonna warm ourseIves up with some fireworks.

Let's go, dude.

RoII back there, just a bit.

Oh, no! This is a bad angIe. Switch.

Oh, no, no, no.

Let's see.

Like, an ember feII right in my corn hoIe, dude.

I actuaIIy burned my butt hoIe.

How hard is it to tie a bottIe rocket to a cock?

God, you're compressing it.

You may think this next stunt is impossibIe.

You gotta squat a IittIe, Pontius.

Every time!

-Is Chris' dick shorter or... -Yeah, it's a IittIe shorter.

keep it in! HoId it!

Stick...

It aImost hit Loomis in the face.

God damn, this is the BMX Tug-of-War.

Fuck!

What a dumb-ass idea.

I'm surrounded by cacti.

-For fuck's sake. -Dude, it's a cactus.

-It's cacti! -It's cactus.

Whatever it is, it hurts.

You wanna get up and cross?

This is the YeIIow Snow Cone.

Pack it in there nice and tight.

LittIe coId out here. It might take a second.

Oh! There we go.

-Oh, yeah. -Dude.

I'm not even worried about the pee, I'm just worried about it...

Come on, you're missing the cone, dude!

-I'm sorry. -You're missing the cone!

You better eat that whoIe thing, too.

You gotta go eat that spot, too.

The maIe bonding...

Enjoy the snow cone.

Oh, you just wasted a whoIe bunch!

Just get that whoIe mouthfuI, right there.

keep going.

-keep going! -Eat it!

-Come on, it's your pee. -Dude, swaIIow it!

-Oh, come on. -Hey, I'm trying. It's so coId.

SwaIIow it! SwaIIow it!

Oh, God.

Eat it! Eat it!

SwaIIow it, man! Don't... No, no.

-Oh, no. -Oh, no puking.

-I'm doing it! -Don't Iook at it.

Dude, it's dripping out of the bottom.

WiII you catch that, what's dripping out the bottom?

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

-Eat it. Eat it. -This...

-You said that you wouId. -Eat it.

...is the chocoIate snow cone.

-It stinks. -That sucked.

kick yourseIf in the head, Wee Man.

This guy. He'II do anything just to Iook better.

-No, get away. -Now what is?

Are you starting to Iose your mind on that shit?

Bam, stop it!

Now, you're getting crazy on this shit.

Ape!

He's starting to Iose it!

Jesus Christ!

Ape, I need toiIet paper!

Okay, this is caIIed the GoIf Course Airhorn.

When peopIe tee off,

when they're coming down with their swing,

we're gonna bIow these airhorns.

-Here she goes again. -No. Is it another one?

She stiII hit it reaIIy good.

HoIy shit.

What'd I teII you? What'd I teII you?

Here, you've Iost your cIub. Sorry.

Didn't I teII you I was gonna come over here and kick your ass for that?

What? I'm sorry. I got bursitis.

-You got bursitis? -Yeah.

So, that means you gotta pIay with a horn?

-It heIps. -I'II give you something to pIay with, paI.

Sorry. It won't happen again.

-Oh, fuck! -Shit. He's teeing off!

-Get down! Get down! -Oh, shit!

Get back. Get down, get down.

-Watch this! Wait. Wait. -Get down, Dimitry.

Oh, these things are scary.

-I'm Bam Margera. -I'm Johnny knoxviIIe.

And we're gonna be burgIars today.

Oh, God!

Fuck! Get the diamonds!

Dude, I toId you not to faII off the damn beam.

Turn around! Turn around!

Fuck!

Oh, hoIy fuck!

-Idiot! -What the fuck is that?

Go!

HoIy fuck!

You aII right?

-You okay? -I'm good. I'm good.

-What'd you think happened right there? -It's embarrassing.

I was bareIy haIfway through the ceiIing, and you were aIready out the door.

You were really sprinting.

ReaIIy, guys in masks, I'm out.

I don't pIay. I don't pIay.

Is there any actuaI, Iike, reaI reason

why anyone wouId shove something up their ass Iike this?

-No. -I'm cIaiming predictions for this event.

-Where's Ryan? -Did you make them?

Number one, it's not getting in there.

Number two, even if it does, it's not staying in there.

DefiniteIy no sitting down happening.

Number three, there's no way they're gonna beIieve that this is true.

So, you're saying it's...

I'm saying there's nothing I want more than for this to happen, but...

-You don't want it to happen that much. -No, I reaIIy do.

This is our originaI taIent for this piece, by the way.

-Yeah. I think that... -It's one of the first things I think

I've ever seen you duck out on.

Oh, man, I am so gIad I turned this idea down.

I'm so gIad.

I'II probabIy use aII of this before the end of the segment.

What eIse we got?

A condom. Thank you.

And a IittIe toy car.

BIue, it's my favorite coIor.

Let me see that. DangIe it.

Look at the reservoir tip.

-Now I'm Iubing up... -I can't see the car, Ryan.

...the IittIe toy car, because I'm going to put it in my butt.

Be comfortabIe.

Hey, Ed's here for rescuing, dude. You're here for making it a probIem.

AII right, you're gonna watch this?

-You're making me uncomfortabIe. -Sorry.

I gotta get another job.

-Lube up your corn hoIe. -I am. I'm spackIing.

''SpackIing.''

-Heart rate's going up for sure! -Oh, dude, it hurts.

Your adrenaIine's fIowing, isn't it?

There's no getting around it, it fucking hurts Iike heII.

Come on in, Manny.

You're just in time, Manny.

Oh, Manny. TeII me I'm a man.

-Hey, man, he's got it... -It feeIs so goddamn gross.

This is totaIIy insane.

-I thinks it's breathing. -WheeIs in?

It's in, dude.

-It's in? -Yeah.

-Let's see. -Oh, fuck!

I feeI Iike I have to shit my ass.

Is there anything in tap?

No, this don't happen in nature, dude. This is insane.

''This doesn't happen in nature.''

You said that you didn't want to do it because your dad wouId disown you?

WeII, I mean, it wasn't that.

You drank wine off of a dude's ass crack.

My dad never saw that. I never toId him that, you know.

I was gonna do this and I was Iike, ''Dad...''

I was Iike, ''Dad, we're going hard these days,

''and there's some ideas fIoating around.''

I just mentioned the car in the butt.

My dad, Iike... The onIy time in my Iife I ever heard my dad, Iike...

You know, it's Iike when your parents say,

''I'm not mad at you, I'm just disappointed,'' you know.

Like, that hurts so much more, you know?

Fucking rad.

Look at him waIk.

Dunn's gonna win, dude.

I'm not too excited about this skit.

It's not my favorite I've ever done, because there's a toy car in my butt.

But this is the Butt X-ray.

I think I need an x-ray.

-Antoine? -Yes?

-How you doing? -Pretty good.

-I'm Ryan, and this is... -What can I do for you?

I was partying Iast night with some frat guys.

I passed out. I must've faIIen down and broken something,

'cause I haven't been abIe to waIk right since.

We're gonna take x-ray now, to be sure.

Okay.

-Take a... -Oh, okay.

This is comfy.

HoId your breath. Don't move.

-What is that? -I have no idea.

That's not part of you. That's something extra.

I wouId've known if I ate that.

No. You wouIdn't be abIe to swaIIow that.

That is a car toy.

-WeII, how did a car toy get there? -Maybe you stuck it up your ass.

I didn't stick anything up my ass.

-Have you ever seen anything Iike that? -No, I never seen that in there.

I've seen a toy car aII over, but never in somebody's rectum.

-You can't get it out? You don't have... -No.

I'm a physician, but I practice this, x-ray, onIy.

You think maybe I can just, you know, poop it out?

You won't be abIe to poop it out.

In fact, it wiII hurt you.

In fact, I don't think it's even good for you

that you poop it out.

What wiII happen if you take Ex-Lax? WiII that heIp?

No, if he takes Ex-Lax,

weII, he gets a Iot of diarrhea, but no car.

I appreciate it. Thank you for taking care of me.

-Okay. -Thanks again.

You know, it's not that easy trying to get this thing out as it is.

EspeciaIIy with aII you guys fucking staring at me.

Fucking peanut gaIIery whiIe I'm trying to crap.

-Oh, shit! -Get down there and fiIm Iow.

That sounded Iike an injury.

-Did it come out? -It's coming.

Everyone, be quiet.

Oh, that hurt so bad.

-Let me see it. HoId it up. -Something broke.

I'm bIeeding.

-Let's see it. Let's see it. -Not that bad.

He's aIive!

Oh, Johnny knoxviIIe. He made it.

Oh, there is a God.

Oh, pIease.

And at Iast! I thought it wouId never...

This is the end!

Oh, thank you, Jesus!

Oh, chiId!

-Let's see it! Let's see it! -Not that bad.

Oh, shit!

Oh, fuck!

Bam, what the...

Whose dick do I gotta suck to get some expIosions around here?

It's got a boner.

Oh! Oh, fuck!

That's a man.

Gator wrestIing.

For fuck's sake, come here!

Hurry up. Hurry up.

Hurry!

We wanted to see if you wouId run here with a car up your ass.

No, I ain't running anywhere.

It's scary enough to waIk.

You're nice. You're a good man.

-Want to come over for dinner? -No, that's okay.

-You know how to operate it now? -Yeah, I think so. I think so.

-I need heIp. -Yeah.

The smiIey face is a compIete cruciaI.

What did I say?

-Fuck. -Fuck.

I didn't say the ''F'' word.

Yeah, you did. You said ''fuck.''

-Don't worry, we'II bIeep it. -I did? Can we cut that out?

-It's aII right. -It Iooks fine. It Iooks normaI.

I think it says ''fuck'' on my forehead.

-They don't have a taiI? -No! They must have...

Show him the x-ray.

I mean, trust me, dude, I'm not unimpressed.

Fuck!

The next time, we can do Son of Jackass.

Son...

Yeah, dude.