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It's okay, little fella.

No one's gonna hurt ya.

This is Mercury control. The Mercury spacecraft umbilical is out.

>Cabin pressure holding, 5.5.

>Everything is a-okay in the cockpit.

>He's going to hand-control movement now.

Do you have any word from the recovery troops?

"Sing in me, Muse,

and through me tell the story of that man skilled in all ways of contending,

the wanderer,

harried for years on end..."

Reggie, he's sleepin'.

Then I suppose Homer will have to wait.

You know, I'm starting to get the feeling Dad's avoiding us.

Hate to be the boring one, guys,

but, uh, it's time we get the hell out of here.

When you say "we," who exactly are you referring to?

Not a lot of ambiguity in that sentence.

Listen, I don't know who you are or where you came from,

but whatever it is, I'd advise you return posthaste.

She's right, Five. We gotta get outta here.

I just saved your life, you kinder-shit.

If I hadn't stepped in, all that would be left of you

is a blazer and some bloody socks.

And that's the problem.

You're too good. You ask too many questions.

You know too much.

And you fight like you know what you're doing.

- He's got a point. - So I know how to handle myself,

and that makes me the bad guy?

Whoever you are, you're in my way.

If I see you again, I will kill you.

Diego, we need to go.

I was getting my ass handed to me back there.

You helped Five, not me.

- Why? - Because he's a kid and you're a man.

Bloody act like one.

Diego, I... I...

- We shouldn't... - You know what?

I'm used to dealing with liars, Lila,

but I like it better when I know what they're lying about.

Oh, come on, Diego. Really? You're just gonna walk away?

Diego.

And how are we feeling this morning?

Oh, peaches and cream. How are you?

Curious, how many more rock-bottoms are you gonna have to hit

before you start taking care of yourself?

I'm thinking of a number between... 11 and... 25.

What ghost are you talking to now?

Oh, just another...

just another old cowboy.

Texas is lousy with them.

They're usually pretty cute, but this one is...

this one is ugly and...

dumb.

Is that really necessary?

Mm-hmm.

You want some?

Klaus, if you're looking for an enabler, look elsewhere.

Allison, your marriage is in trouble and your rally turned into a riot.

If now's not the time to do some drink party,

I don't know when is.

What happened?

Oh, where to begin?

My claustrophobic cult tracked me down, I fell off the wagon,

and I professed my undying love for...

this young gay man who doesn't know he's gay yet

at a 1963 diner in front of his blatantly closeted uncle.

Yeah, well, not in that order, but...

Mmm!

- Aren't we a pair? - Yeah.

Oh, Jesus.

Hey, uh, excuse me.

- Attagirl. - I've got a blender

and some much better booze.

So, if we're gonna start day-drinking, we should do it right.

I love you so much.

Yeah. Yeah!

Oh!

Morning.

Hey. Is that coffee?

Want some?

What time is it?

I don't know, and I don't care.

Yeah, you do.

Oh, my God.

I think we've earned a day off.

Okay, half a day.

A few hours.

Hush up.

What is it?

Do we need to talk?

- A-About... - Do you want to?

Talking makes things real,

and real things end.

This feels sweeter than that.

You know yesterday when you were talking about us running away?

- What if we could? - Where would we go?

Somewhere safe for Harlan and...

where we could be together like this

all the time.

I'd go there right now.

Oh, shit.

Carl's back early.

No, no, no, I don't understand. They keep following me.

- Wait, who? - Those Dutch sociopaths.

They're Swedish, you idiot.

Hired guns paid to eradicate us

before we do any more damage to this timeline.

- Yeah, but why now? - I mean, I'm...

fine for three months until you showed up.

Yeah, I was here for a year and no one messed with me.

Even if it >was my fault, which it isn't,

we only have six days before the end of the world,

and the closest anyone's gotten to Dad was that driveway at the consulate.

Well...

that's not exactly true.

What do you mean?

I saw him.

Oh, shit!

>Diego!

Five?

Allison!

- Allis... - Allison!

Two-ninety-two...

Two-ninety-three.

Hey, um, I'm seven cents short.

Uh... give me what you got.

Oh, shit.

Damn it.

Sorry about that.

Thanks.

That boy stinks.

Home.

"This is gonna sound crazy,

but, Reginald Hargreeves...

I am your son."

Let's get back on that dance floor.

- Whoo-hoo! - Yes!

He stinks.

Dad?

Please, the world's never going to end in such a cliché.

Believe me.

I know how endings feel.

Reg, with all these bombs and big red buttons,

we're bloody close to the end of the world.

- Even a fool can see that. - I will give you this:

the physics of numerous quanta tells us that we cannot be certain about anything,

especially if time is concerned.

Even if you knew everything there is to know about right now,

you could never predict what will happen next.

We don't live in a universe of rules, we live in a universe of chances.

Some events, however, "style2" >are more likely than others.

For instance, it is a near certainty that in the next few minutes,

I am going to get another glass of champagne.

Would you look at that?

This is gonna sound crazy, but, uh...

I'm your son.

No, you're not.

- But, no, I'm... I'm from the future. - No, you're not.

You adopted me and six other children in 1989.

- No, I didn't. - I...

I know about the moon base.

I know about all your experiments with monkeys.

Apes.

Look, I know everything about you.

Please...

I need your help.

Listen, I don't know who sent you

or what you want,

but you can run back to your masters at CIA or KGB

and tell them that this is the most ridiculous gambit in spycraft history.

What? Why? Why is it ridiculous?

You know time travel is possible.

Time travel isn't the problem.

I have a deep dislike of children.

I do not have them, nor do I intend to have them,

but if for some reason I did,

I would expect more from them than a scruffy face,

poor hygiene, and your grotesque, simian proportions.

But...

I took a bus.

I don't care.

Now, take yourself and the stench of failure that encircles you

and get out of my house.

- That's pathetic. - Yeah, well,

- at least he didn't shank my ass. - No, bro,

he shanked your heart.

Mm.

Is that my bathrobe?

- No. - Look, who cares what he shanked?

- He knows something about time travel. - Um...

Wait, why don't you just do your thing and, uh, time travel us out?

Anyone care to explain?

First time he tried, he got lost in the apocalypse.

Second time, he ended up without hair on his balls.

Last time I tried,

I scattered my family across three years in Dallas, Texas,

possibly triggering a doomsday.

Any more questions, Elliott?

- Uh, no. - You're missing the big picture.

Dad is the ringleader of a sinister cabal

that's planning to kill the president.

- A cabal? - Ignore him.

Look, the way I see it, we only have one option.

Oh, yeah? And what's that?

It's time to get the Umbrella Academy back together.

Hell, yeah. Family meeting.

Okay then, can one of you get Allison, please?

You two still a thing?

- Do we need to talk? - No, she's married.

Whoa. Dude, that's rough.

I can handle it.

I'll get her.

Can you get Vanya without, uh, squeezing her to death?

I'll try.

Wait! D...

Uh...

What should I do?

Prepare for company.

Oh, you should've seen it.

He said, "All the HoJo's in the Southwest District."

And I said, "All the HoJo's?" 'Cause I wasn't sure if I heard him right.

And he said, "Yup! All the HoJo's."

Vanya, did you hear the news?

How would she, Carl? She doesn't subscribe to >Showerheads Today.

I'm in such a good mood,

I'm gonna let that jape pass without comment.

That is a comment.

Vanya, you are lookin' at the man

who has closed the biggest deal ever

for Waterton Shower and Shower Accessories Limited.

That's great, Carl.

Thank you, Vanya.

You see, Sissy?

That is how you congratulate the consummate conquering breadwinner.

Carl, stop.

Baby, I got such a day planned for the three of us.

First, we'll hit up the Egyptian Room breakfast buffet,

then watch some mutton bustin',

and then take it to Cattlemen's for a big ole steak. Mmm...

Hey, Vanya.

Why don't you go ahead and take some time off?

Carl, stop.

Not in front of Harlan.

Harlan don't care.

I just want a kiss.

Can't you wait till we're alone?

No, baby. No, I can't.

- Well, you're gonna have to. - Carl.

- Stay out of this, Vanya. - Sissy.

The hell's going on with you?

I'm just sick and tired

of you not listening!

Well, I'm sick and tired of having to fight for your goddamn attention.

Are you my wife or not?

What in the hell was that?

Harlan, honey?

Let's get your shoes on. Come on.

Are you okay?

Yeah, I'm fine.

Just spending the day with my family.

Did you set me up?

- Sweetie, really? - Those Nordic shitwits?

You said they were Commission. You said they were on our side.

Well, I was in the process of executing our mission,

my mission that you gave me, and they got in the way.

- Oh, my. - And now my cover's blown.

Five wants to kill me, and I don't know what the hell it is you're after.

Did you bring me what I asked for?

Here.

Diego's knife.

- Sit. - No.

Yes, you're bleeding, and all that rage is bad for your complexion. Sit.

Fine, but I'm not done being mad at you.

You're right.

I >have been lying to you.

Commission...

has no idea...

- that we're here. - So, what are we doing here?

We are...

making something right...

that has been wrong for a very, very long time.

- Just about done with your riddles, Mum. - Oh, are you just about done now?

You've done a couple missions, now you know everything? Huh? Is that it?

Huh?

Big Lila, all in charge, not trusting her mother,

her mother who yanked her out of that horrid little slum,

her mother who rescued her from those gin-addled, neglectful parents,

her mother who taught her how to live, how to love,

- how to survive? - You just said you lied.

You lied to them and they lied to me and everybody lies to everyone else.

Grow up, buttercup.

Ow.

If I thought you needed to know the truth, I would've told you the truth,

but you didn't, and so I didn't,

and everything worked out just fine.

No, it hasn't. I lost Five.

Is he dead?

No. But he kicked me out of his merry little band.

- Ugh. Your wound is weeping. - Oh.

Oh, my dear, that...

- that's not a problem at all. - Why not?

Well, because...

I have a very busy day scheduled for us.

Oh... Ugh.

Y'all know, Jell-O used to be a delicacy.

You know, in order to make it,

you gotta boil down a whole mess of hooves...

you know, horses, cows, pigs, it doesn't matter.

But not everybody has a mess of hooves just lying around.

It wasn't until, uh...

a couple of sassy New Yorkers

figured out how to dry it out so that the rest of us

could have a... a chance to enjoy this ambrosia.

If we have some, will you shut up?

Maybe.

Here.

How you feeling?

Pretty shitty, to be honest.

Where would you say you are on a scale from one to...

ending all life on this planet?

Really?

Diego, put the knife away, you idiot. She's fine.

The last time I saw this one, she had me suspended midair,

sucking the life out of me with energy tentacles.

I think I'm allowed a little time to process.

Oh, I would love to see an energy tentacle.

I don't remember what I did, but I'm sorry...

if... if that means anything.

It does.

Just going through a lot right now.

There's this...

girl that I like.

I thought she liked me, but turns out that she's...

Oh, thank God.

Is anyone here?

Hello?

>Le petit mort, le petit mort.

- What? You don't speak French. - It's "the little death."

Oh, wow. Look at this old stuff.

Oh, wow.

I know this is impossible, but...

did we all get sexier?

Vanya.

I can't believe I have a sister.

I missed you.

Thank God someone did.

Oh, you are drunk.

Yeah. No, just a little... just a few...

Oh, that's so sweet.

No. Jesus.

- Hi. - Hey, Vanny.

Klaus. Is Ben here?

Oh, uh... no.

No, unfortunately, ghosts can't time travel.

Are you kidding me?

All right, then. Let's get down to business.

- So, Vanny, what's new? - Hey, Diego.

- Can't say hi to nobody? - Hi, Allison.

What was that?

- Hi, Allison! - Thank you!

Why are we here?

You were always a climber, darling.

All right. First off, I wanna say I'm sorry.

I know I really screwed the pooch on this whole

going-back-in-time-and-getting-stuck thing.

But the real kick in the pants here

is we brought the end of the world back here with us.

Oh, my God, again?

All of you knew?

Why am I always the last one to find out about the end of the...

Oh, my God.

My cult is gonna be so pissed. Five!

I told them we had until 2019.

We have until Monday. We have six days.

Is it Vanya?

- Klaus. - What? It's usually Vanya.

Do you have any leads, Five?

Yeah, we have one.

- Holy shit, is that Dad? - Yeah.

- That's him? - Standing on the grassy knoll.

Diego and I have been trying to talk to Dad about what exactly this means.

- So far, we've got nothing. - Not nothing.

- He's planning to kill Kennedy. - Maybe.

But we don't know who or what sets doomsday in motion.

Could be Kennedy, could be something entirely independent.

But if we know something changes the timeline, we have to make it right.

Yeah, but how, if we don't know what's broken?

Come on. Do the math.

We know Dad's having shady-ass meetings with some shady-ass people.

We know he's on the grassy knoll in three days to kill the president.

So I think we all know what we have to do.

- Find Dad. - Kill Dad.

None of us are supposed to be here, right?

I mean, what if it's us?

Has anyone here done anything to screw up the timeline?

- Diego's been stalking Lee Harvey Oswald. - And you're working for Jack Ruby.

Allison has been very involved in local politics.

- Okay, >you started a cult. - Thank you!

I'm... I'm just a... a nanny on a farm.

I don't have anything to do with all of that.

Well, maybe you do, we just don't know it yet.

Listen to yourselves.

Everything in our new lives is connected to Kennedy.

That can't be a coincidence.

Luther works for Ruby, Allison is protesting the government,

Dad is on the grassy knoll, Klaus is...

doing something weird and pervy but probably related.

See, clearly,

we were all sent back here for one special reason:

saving John Fitzgerald Kennedy.

- This is bigger than all of us. - -Guys, you all die.

I was there. I saw it.

And I wanna forget it, but I can't.

I saw Russian nukes vaporize the world with all of you in it...

in a war that never happened until we brought it here.

And Hazel gave his life to save us,

so you may need to shut up and just listen to me.

I don't know if the things we've experienced here are all connected.

I don't know if there's a reason for everything.

But Dad will.

We need to talk to him before everyone and everything we know is dead.

Okay, I'm out.

Did you even hear me, Luther?

Yeah. Yeah, I did.

I heard a 58-year-old man who still wants his daddy to come and fix everything.

Well, you can count me out.

It's time we all grew the hell up.

- Luther! - Come back.

- Where you going? - Save it, Diego.

No one leaves until we figure this out.

Jeez...

When did the monkey learn how to fight dirty?

Son of a bitch.

You know, I could really go for some tacos right now. Allison?

- Tacos? - Shouldn't we wait?

You know those guys.

I mean, it could take forever for them to bro it out.

Vanya, tacos?

Is there any way that tacos are gonna cause the end of the world?

I mean, there's only one way to find out, right?

- Sure is. - Let's go!

I've missed you all...

so much.

- What's going on with you, big boy? - Ugh, leave me alone, Diego.

Huh? So, what, you're just gonna sucker punch Five and haul ass, huh?

Look, maybe trying to stop doomsday is exactly what starts it.

- Did you ever think of that? - Oh, so we do nothing?

Since when are you a quitter?

Since the last time I destroyed the world by overestimating my own importance.

So this is about you never living up to the old man's expectations bullshit, huh?

Maybe. I don't know, I mean, we're all crazy where Dad's concerned.

Oh, I'm not.

He's an asshole. I'm awesome. That's very simple.

Have to understand that, okay?

Okay.

So why can't you leave JFK alone, hmm?

I'm a hero.

- Heroes stop crime. - No, no, no.

No, Dad "style2" >told you you're a hero.

Right? He told all of us.

But what if he lied?

What if we're just a bunch of freaks who have no business

- changing the world for everyone else? - No, everyone changes the world, Luther.

Everyone.

And it's scary, but that's kinda the deal.

You know, you are so goddamn big,

sometimes I forget what a sensitive bastard you are.

It's all gonna work out.

- We're on the right path. - Oh, yeah? How do you know?

There's a long, black car that's been following us since we left Elliott's.

Six o'clock.

I...

- Reginald Hargreeves..." - What?

"...request the pleasure of your company for a light supper

on the 20th of November, 1963, half past seven o'clock,

1624 Magnolia Street."

A "light" supper?

The nerve of that man.

I mean, one thing goes wrong, and he's on a warpath.

I mean, doesn't know who I am?

No, no. No, Ray, you know style= "style2" >exactly who I am.

-You just can't handle it. -Pew, pew.

- I'm protecting him. - Pew, pew.

Ow. From what?

The end of the world, for one.

Is the world really gonna end in six days?

Well, it did last time, and we did everything Five could think of to stop it.

Hey, wouldn't it be weird if Five grew up all hot?

- Wouldn't that be weird? - What?

- Eww. - Oh!

"Oh, eww! Eww!"

Please, Miss "Luther was my lover."

We have never even kissed.

Yeah, but you guys were making little sick moon-dog eyes at each other

all through puberty and breakfasts and all that.

Aren't we all brothers and sisters, or...?

Well... technically, it...

"Technically"? If you have to word... use the word "technically,"

you're already in trouble.

Okay, can... can we focus?

I mean, clearly we're not saving the world tonight, but maybe, maybe,

we could at least try to save my marriage.

No!

No, because that's like...

that's like asking a nun how to hump someone's leg.

I mean, who in this room knows shit about relationships? This one?

In secret love with some farm Frau.

- Her name's Sissy. - Which is an improvement

on her previous love interest,

- the serial killer. - What?

- Meanwhile, I'm carrying a torch... - Later.

For a soldier I haven't technically met yet,

and Luther is in love with his sister.

Okay, > again, we are not biological.

Face it, the healthiest long-term relationship in this family

was when Five was banging that mannequin.

The only thing the Umbrella Academy knows about love...

is how to screw it up.

- >You're listening to KBOX, Dallas. - Cheers.

>How do you guys deal with this?

What?

I mean, all of it. The time travel, seeing the dead, the end of the world.

Well, I get really high.

Allison... Allison...

lies to herself.

And you suppress all your emotions deep, deep down

until you... you blow shit up.

Yeah, I'd really like to not do that anymore.

Well, you've got six days, missy.

What the hell are we supposed to do with six days?

Party?

I don't know.

I'm gonna tell Sissy that I love her.

I don't want any secrets.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, you're right.

Yes, 'cause, you know, if... if it's all gonna go tits-up,

the least I could do is be honest with my husband.

Oh... does that mean I have to face my cult?

I just hate group breakups.

It's why I stopped dating twins.

This family's amazing.

- Yeah, sure. - Okay, let's not get ahead of ourselves.

Come here, Vanya.

Come on.

Get over here.

I love you guys.

Oh! You guys!

I love this song!

What's your game, crazy lady?

Who cares? You said if you saw me again, you'd kill me.

- Oh, I remember. - Well, come on, big talker.

- Let's get this done. - All right.

I'm waiting.

Fed up yet, Five?

You're better than I thought.

And you are entirely average.

You can come out now.

Well done.

You figured it out.

Well, it wasn't very hard.

She fights like every one of you Commission drones.

Hmm.

No matter, here we are.

Together again.

I've gotta ask...

did you miss me, you little shit?

Sissy.

Vanya.

Don't sneak up on me like that.

Where have you been?

Uh, family reunion.

Are you... drunk?

Does it matter?

What matters is I have feelings... okay?

And I... I feel things for you.

- Vanya, now's not a good time. - No. Now's the only time.

'Cause how much time do we have left?

We could have years, we could have days, but we only have one life.

And we gotta go with our hearts.

And my heart wants to go with you.

Sissy!

What happened to that beer, girl?

Oh, shit.

You caught me naked as a jaybird.

I guess it was bound to happen sooner or later.

That's all right.

You're part of the family.

Don't you dawdle, now.

You slept with him?

He's still my husband.

Who you don't love anymore.

Just be a little patient

- while I figure things... - What is there to figure out?

I see you. I see you miserable.

- Who gets to be happy all the time? - We can!

- We were just talking about leaving. - Honey, that was just morning talk,

lies we tell each other to get through the damn day.

We don't get to live our fantasies.

You know, Vanya...

maybe when you can remember

what your real life was like,

you'll feel less inclined to tell people how to live theirs.

You know >nothing of the pressures I'm under.

I know we're running out of time for you to be brave.

What does that mean?

Six days.

We've got six days.

- Six days until what? - I can't explain, okay?

- Just, we need to go now, please. - Vanya.

- Please, come. Please... - Vanya. Vanya. Vanya!

I can't.

Vanya.

Vanya, wait!

Daddy's home.

Ray?

Sit your ass down.

Sit down.

Now, I... I've been doing a lot of thinking and...

and I've decided...

I'm gonna tell you everything.

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