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Max.

Huh?

They're waiting for you.

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm coming.

Bravo!

I wish I could do more.

It's our annual occupancy drop

It's flu season

Sir, I graduated from Kira conservatory

I was the second chair in the Kusk.

You're getting the first class clarinetist for what?

Thirty-five dollars.

Max, I can get a twelve fingered Hungarian harpist in here for twenty.

Can I have it in cash?

Sure.

Thank you.

I was thinking of doing Brahms, uh, next week.

Brahms. Tha's great.

That or Barry Manilow.

You can never go wrong with that guy. Excuse me.

Hey, honey.

No, I'm not busy at all.

No, things do't get hopping until Bingo starts.

Take care. Yeah. Uh-huh.

Yeah?

I'm looking for my mom.

Hillary Hanson?

She went to Phoenix last night.

Oh.

I didn't know that.

I didn't know that she had a kid.

Yeah, um, could you give her these? She said she had the flu.

I don't think she's gonna be coming back.

Uh, it didn't work out.

I see.

I gotta go to work.

If you could see how she sits,

If you could see how she sits,

gazing into space, a distant living glow reflected in her eyes.

Who is she?

Not the Silia you know, another Silia.

Do you mind? 'M polishing my monologue.

Skip, you're not here to polish your monologue, you're here to do a job.

I told you a hundred times. This is a part-time gig until my acting career takes off.

What?

What?

Some actors wait tables. I steal Hondas every once in awhile, so what?

Can we focus on the stealing?

Look, this is important, okay? I have an audition Tuesday. I'm doing Pirandello.

If you could see how she sits,

absorbed, gazing into space,

a distant living glow reflected in her eyes.

He looks like a young Steve McQueen.

I hope he gets away.

Hi, Tanya.

Mr. Sarafanov. How are you doing?

I can't complain as long as I'm doing...

Are you still working for the orchestra?

Of course.

I happen to be on my way home right now.

An acquaintance of mine happened to be at the Turin Symphony last week.

Didn't see you.

Or should I say, didn't hear you.

Many people listen, Tanya.

But not everyone can hear.

Good afternoon, Mr. Sarafanov. Russians are terrible gossips around here, aren't they?

Sometimes I feel they choose rumors over rubles. If they were starving in Siberia.

You know, go do... unload feta. I's in the back. How is Nikita?

How is Nikita?

Wonderful, wonderful. Always busy with his call work.

Nikita, please remove your hand from my crotch.

I love you.

Okay.

Let's talk like grown-ups.

You're fourteen.

Romeo was fifteen.

Romeo was fifteen.

So, my Juliet was born four hundred years later in Ventura and not Verona.

And...

my Juliet teaches English at Fairfax Elementary School

and lives in a rent-controlled apartment.

My Juliet is not the spring but the early autumn which

is the fairest season of them all.

What do you want?

I want you to promise me that when we make love,

you'll keep your glasses on.

I want you to read my body like I's Balzac.

Out.

Hi, Dad.

Nikita?

What do you think?

A work for all passion.

Thank you.

A little extravagant perhaps.

Reason is the last refuge of the unimaginative, Dad.

Go ahead, Medusa!

Drown the last flames of my dying heart!

Yeah, well it's me or the fire department.

Damn it.

I can't hear myself.

What? Screw?

Wha's that?

Some day yo'll realize that I love you as no one else

ever will. For the moment you can rest easy,

knowing that you got what you wanted.

I hate you.

Farewell, Nikita.

Farewell. Where do you think you're going?

Eat me.

You can't leave. 'M the one tha's leaving.

Who's gonna stay and look after Dad?

You don't give a shit about him, why should I?

What's going on here?

Shut up.

Precious wunderkind is running away

Is it true?

What about your school?

And your piano lessons?

I hate the piano!

Why can't we all admit that we're mediocrities.

It's genetic!

Don't ever say that again.

Your grandpa Notori was a great tenor.

Oh, yeah. They have statue of him in downtown Kirov.

Perfect. We can put up a statue of Nikita's erection on Fairfax

Fairfax in honor of his monumental obsession with that

cradle-robber next door.

Are you on the rag or the pilot next door just missed the landing strip again?

What'd you say?

Why do you think I listen to my music so loud?

These walls are like paper.

Major. Colonel. Private. Oh, don't be so quick on the trigger, Lieutenant.

Be a General about it.

Ha!

Hwa!

You want a piece of me?

I hate this place so much!

Shit.

Shit, shit, shit.

Uh, hello. Hello. Hi, um, can you buzz us in? W're...

W're with, uh, Magic Carpet Cleaners. We're...

W're gonna clean your carpet for free.

Susan?

May I come in?

Skip.

Can I use your restroom? We've kind of been hoofing it for the last hour.

Just go.

Do you mind?

Thanks.

Hey is that Habitual Offenders?

Great band. I saw them in Baltimore before they got their record deal.

Oh, yes, thank you.

Thank you.

The tundra winds blow and he has too much.

But at his age, life are full of dreams and love serenades.

Uh, do you understand, you are professor literature?

I teach third grade.

And I would't call waking up with Nikita's hands between my legs a love serenade.

And I's more like Class Three sexual assault.

Who are you guys?

Who are, who are we?

Or, who are we?

You know, cause that's more of a metaphysical question.

Now I's probably something...

you should be asking yourself, not a couple of strangers.

We're looking for, um, a Mister S..., uh...

Sarafanov?

Sarafanov. Yes.

Is he home?

No.

He'll be right back though.

How do you know him?

Well, that is a difficult question to answer for...

Your dad and I,

we, uh, we go back.

You see, the thing is, is...

Nikita.

Nikita. That's a great name.

Parlez-vous français?

It's Russian.

Nikita.

And the sad thing is, is that

I...

I haven't even met your old man.

But I thought you said you go way back.

We do. We do.

Max and I, we,

Shit, I might as well just say it.

Yeah. Yeah, you should probably just go ahead and say it.

Max Sarafanov

Happens to be...

My father...

I don't think he even knows I was born.

So Nikita, that means you and I are...

How bout you give your big brother a hug, huh?

This is a beautiful moment.

For both of you.

Yeah.

Yeah, go to him.

Come on.

I have to tell you something.

I don't really like talking dirty during sex.

You don't?

I just fake it to make you happy.

You're really good at it.

At times I...

think I'm just using you to get me out of this dump.

So use me.

Tha's the foundation of a good marriage.

You fake it...

and I take you with me when I go to Houston.

You sure about that?

What kind of question is that?

I'm gonna marry you.

I'm not pilot's wife material.

Yes you are.

No, I'm not.

I... I have a tattoo

I's not like yo're potato and 'm po-tah-to.

You're a cheeseburger and I'm borscht.

I'm taking you with me because I don't have a choice.

I don't, huh?

I love borscht.

Do I have to climb out the window again?

Thank you.

Welcome!

- Cheers. - Cheers.

So Nikita.

Where's your, um,

your mom, like, Mrs. Sarafanov?

No, no, no. There isn't a Mrs. Sarafanov.

I know a single parent when I see one.

It's true.

When I was six, my mom, uh,

test drove this Trans Am with this guy looked like Robert Redford.

Uh, we never saw her again.

Wow.

Bummer.

Anyway. Uh, Pringles?

I always love a Pringle. Thank you.

It's my dad

Your dad!

Our Dad!

Hey. Hey. I have something important to tell you.

Listen.

I was just as young and mad as you once.

Just exactly.

You can say that again.

You can't help it.

A mix of warrior, poet,

boils through your veins.

I's a family curse.

What are you doing?

I'm fucking starving.

Well, let's go.

Jesus look.

I'm a little high...

Okay, just get the Pringles and let's get the fuck outta here.

What?

Hold on, hold on, hold on.

What?

Look at this.

What the...?

Have you been drinking?

Well, well, I had a little champagne for the occasion.

You're fourteen years old.

Everything you do is illegal.

Do you want to spend the rest of your life in prison?

Your son is in the kitchen.

Your elder son.

To my Russian bear.

This is a no-brainer, I'm telling you.

No way.

What do you mean no way?

No way.

Why in the hell would we go anyplace else?

Nobod's gonna look for us here.

Look, how is, how the hell am I gonna convince a total fucking stranger

that he's my father?

Wait, wait. Your real father is a total fucking stranger.

He might as well be this guy.

Come on. I's worth a try.

Good evening.

Max Sarafanov.

Skip Retcho. Really good to meet you, sir.

Bo.

I's, uh, short for, for Beauregard.

So?

How can I help you, Beauregard?

Sir, we, we,

apologize for just showing up here like this out of the blue.

But, uh,

, coming to meet his biological father was a very big decision for my friend.

Well, unfortunately,

I'm afraid, uh, this is some sort of misunderstanding.

Sir, he's not asking for much. Just a little bit of your time?

I hate to disappoint you.

I really hope you find your father sometime soon.

But, yo've got the wrong man.

'Ve been waiting for this moment

since the day I learned to talk.

And I's okay.

Dad. I, I have no expectations and no regrets.

But I never had another son.

Are you sure?

Of course I'm sure.

Hundred percent sure.

When's your birthday?

August fourteenth 1980.

What's going on?

You did't tell me you had a sister.

What do you mean sister?

We have a brother.

-Ca't you tell? I mean, he is a,

a Sarafanov through and through.

Dad, who are these people?

Honey, uh, this nice young man

is a bit confused.

He thinks that he and I might be related potentially.

Potentially. This guy. Potentially. I mean, ca't you see?

How much they look alike in the...?

No.

H's got Dad's eyes.

Exactly.

No, he does't. Our father has beautiful eyes.

Lolita, there is no reason to be rude. Beauregard has the nice blue eyes.

You can't just let these perfect strangers waltz into our house and

eat our fucking Pringles.

Shame on you.

Are you up for adoption, too?

Listen, if you want us to leave, then just say the word.

Leave

It was nice to meet you, Dad.

What's her name?

Your mother?

Janice.

Janice Who?

Hanson.

I'm sorry.

I don't know anyone by that name.

Really?

Cellist from Cincinnati?

You don't remember her?

Oh, no, no, no. Her name is Turner.

I know. Turner.

Tha's my mother's maiden name.

See?

This is ridiculous.

I'm calling the cops.

No. Do you know..., forget it, okay? Just...

Forget the whole thing.

Clearly, you're not ready.

Thank you for your time. We should go.

The Russian Bear.

I mean, isn't that what she called you,

her Russian Bear?

Her what?

Her Russian Bear. My dad.

Son?

Father?

Son

My Son.

This is beautiful.

Boy's got my eyes.

Champagne, yay.

Who's Janice Turner?

My son.

Dad?

Nastrovia.

Nastrovia!

Wha's wrong with my family?

Are you in college or...?

Yeah.

What are you studying?

Biology. Mostly.

And genetics.

You're a scientist then?

A scientist.

Good for you, boy.

Look.

Her's your mother and I after the Brahm's program.

Wow. Look at Mom.

Four glorious months we played together in Cincinnati.

Looking back now,

I realize no woman could ever compare to her.

Well, I'm sure sh'd be happy to hear that.

Wha's she like these days?

Uh, you know, she's a survivor.

Are't we all?

She can't be more than, uh, fifty now.

Forty-nine.

Still so young.

Does she has anybody else?

I mean, any other children?

No, just me.

You know?

The last time I saw her.

She was standing at a bus stop

waving her goodbye all by herself.

She was't quite by herself,

as you can see.

You poor boy.

You must have hated me.

To sons having their fathers.

I'm so glad you found me.

W're getting the hell out of here first thing in the morning.

What?

Are you-

Are you nuts?

After all of that?

After...

I've been...

waiting for this moment ever since I learned how to talk.

That was beautiful.

Yeah, but I can't hustle somebody who believes everything I say.

Okay...

[Acoustic Guitar Musi}

Oh, shit. I for... I forgot my monologue. Be right back. Shit.

What's wrong with you?

Going some place?

What'd you take?

Nothing.

I had a bad feeling about you from the beginning.

Wha's going on in here?

Your newly found son was just about to be lost again.

I did't wanna make it a big deal.

I thought I'd be easier on everyone.

But...

we were just getting to know each other.

I'm sorry.

We got midterms.

I see.

Will I ever see you again?

Sure.

Do you think, uh,

I could call you?

You know, I think I's...

best if I call you.

Oh, I understand.

Well...

My door is always open.

And so is my heart.

Oh, wait a minute!

Thank God. What a skloritic?

Why'd you steal my picture?

Well I... I just

wanted something to remember you by.

I never had a sister before.

You must have this before you go.

In our family,

this ashtray has always belonged to the elder son.

There is a portrait of Nicholas the Second.

Russian king.

Wow.

Take it.

Now it's yours.

Thank you...

You know, I'll...

Try to start smoking...

Do you really have to go?

Tha's exactly what I said. But he does't listen.

You, should stay.

You should stay and learn some biology from your biological father.

Exactly.

Uh...

Please?

I guess I can...

take the makeup test.

Brilliant idea.

Brilliant!

W'll have the whole day, all of us together.

You two, Skippy. I insist.

Oh, we need some air in here.

And food. We need the food, lots of food, Russian food.

We are going to Russian Nights.

Ladies and gentlemen. We are going to the Russian nights!

Our whole family.

To my elder son,

a scientist.

A future luminary.

You were born behind the curtains

but have turned my life's sad vaudeville into an opera!

You know your face, looks familiar

That's it.

You got Uncle Fedya's cheek bones!

Royal blood.

This is called for Prokofiev!

Oh, no, no.

Yes, please, please.

A small piece, hmm?

Brava. Brava.

You know, you can really jam on that thing.

Oh, I jam, son, every day.

For the Torrance, uh, Symphony Orchestra.

Very prestigious.

And uh...

I compose, too.

I'm, uh, writing a major symphony.

Max...

This was the sexiest Pechovia I've ever heard in my life.

It was actually Tchaikovsky.

Whatever.

Vera...

Maxim Arkadievich,

Now...

Since you're marrying Lolita off,

I think you need a wife of your own.

Stop. Just stop, please.

Yeah, what about Klava at the meat market?

In bed, she's an acrobat!

Oh... So they say...

I's not acrobatic.

It's epilepsy.

What about Bo's mom?

So what's the story, Bo?

Is your mom available?

Married, single, divorced?

Half of Fairfax is dying to know.

W're talking about a great woman.

She has her own life now, right?

Yes.

Well, would't you love to meet her now?

I know that I would.

Yeah, tha's a great idea

Right, Bo?

Right, Bo?

Well, she's...

available last time I checked.

My children have no manners. None.

What we are waiting for?

Let's drink!

They drink a lot.

Hi.

Hi.

Why does your face look so familiar?

Are you an actor?

Actually, I've done quite a bit of that, yes.

Oh. What did I see you in?

Any number of things really. Mostly stage.

Wait a minute!

Weren't you in a Dickies Nachos commercial a few years ago?

Yes, I was.

Yes!

You were the royal, you were the royal munch guy.

You were great in that.

Really?

I love that signature move of yours!

You mean the Royal Nacho Cheese spin maneuver?

Like this?

Tha's it! That's it!

Would you like to learn it?

Yes I would!

Max.

Let's go dance.

Oh, Vera, I'm sorry, I can't. I...

I got rehearsals

Oh, you do?

That was fun today.

She has beautiful eyes.

Bo takes after her, doesn't he?

Wish I had...

a chance to get to know him a little bit better

You do.

You have all the time in the world.

Don't start with me again, Dad, please, okay?

You played cello in high school,

you studied philosophy in college.

And ballet

Yes, and art and I could do anything I want.

I'd rather have a real life

in Houston than...

suffer a slow death in Little Ukraine.

Okay then.

You are a grown-up girl.

Good.

She has unbelievable eyes.

Yeah...

And a ridiculous rack.

Watch it.

That is my sister you're talking about.

Precisely.

Pervert

Morning, boys.

Wake up.

Take a look outside.

The wind is the bow. The trees are violins and the sun is conducting.

There's a symphony out there.

I think w've officially over-stayed our welcome.

I's time to bail.

Oh no.

No, it was your idea to hang here.

I think I's working out fine.

I have my audition today.

Oh, Tha's right.

Good luck.

I's been two days already, okay? I'm sure that the coast is clear.

What are you, what are you gonna do, sit here and listen to fucki'

Peco-broco-five...

I'm beginning to like Pechovia.

Wow, Dad.

To whom do we owe such an extravagant picnic?

To all of you, my children.

All at the same table.

What more could I ask for?

Are you sure we're all here?

She's saying I have a reputation as a ladies man.

Well, you earned, you Russian Bear.

Says his cub.

Nikit's dedicated his life to hooking up

with sex as a second language professor next door.

I can see where Nikit's coming from.

Thank you!

I pictured with someone with a little more class.

Shut up.

How about a nice Russian girl?

Okay.

I'm sure they'll love him with his pedigree.

Do you know that you come from a long line of starving tenors,

poets and woodwinds?

See what I'm dealing with?

A cynic.

No sense of family pride.

No identity.

Well, I'm proud to be a woodwind.

And you know what?

I would love to go to the symphony and hear Dad play.

Why don't you hear him play

another day when you come back and visit?

No, no. It's a great idea.

He should come and, uh...

hear his father play.

You should come with me.

Absolutely. You should all go.

We are playing, uh, Mahlers Ninth tomorrow...

Great piece.

Come, come eat. Bo, eat!

I's beautiful food, beautiful!

This looks good.

And try caviar.

Nice move inviting yourself to Dad's concert.

Thank you.

Would't get my hopes up too high, Tchaikovsky.

There isn't gonna be a concert.

The orchestra cut him almost a year ago.

They were downsizing.

Dad's been losing his hearing.

And he drinks... So,

he was the first to go.

Esa.

Max!

Long time no see!

Hey, hi my friend.

I've been wondering about you.

What are you up to these days?

I compose actually.

I've been working on a symphony. Almost done with it.

Tha's fantastic. Good for you, Max. Sit, sit. Please.

Thank you.

How is everything around here?

Don't even ask.

I'm tired of slaving for this management.

The whole orchestra is a mess.

You should see the primo violinist they just brought in.

A young punk. No talent.

I heard h's the chairma's boy toy.

I'm happy for you, Max.

I's good to see that some of us are doing something worthwhile with their lives.

Thank you, my friend. Thank you.

Listen, Esa...

I have a bit of favor to ask you.

My children have asked to come to the concert tomorrow.

And I, well,

I still haven't told them.

You can't be serious.

I know...

All this time?

Would you please let me replace you tomorrow?

Max...

You could get me fired.

Look Esa.

I bought this in a fine antique store in Gorkiy.

It's Chervonaya silver.

Beautiful see?

They'll pay you...

at least seven hundred...

at pawn shop.

But it's worth more.

Please Esa...

Just this one time.

I'm sorry Max, I don't know what to say!

Esa...

My Children have to see me play.

They cannot doubt that they have it in their blood

to do great things with their lives.

Tell your children you were let go.

A bit of truth...

is always better than a sweet lie.

Good luck.

Filling up on your Russian heritage?

Hmm. This is great.

You know what the great thing is?

You're actually exercising.

Laughing

I am?

Yup.

It's the famous Russian-Piroski workout.

You're working your abs out from the inside.

You know, it's great cardio too?

I can actually feel my arteries doing some heavy lifting.

The average life expectancy in the old country is about fifty-seven.

So, if yo're really serious about being Russian,

you gotta learn how to live in the moment.

Call me Boris.

All right then, Boris Maximovich!

Here's your new bible.

It's a present.

Greatest hits of Russian toasts.

The first thousand.

Alright, Romeo.

You'll have to take care of the rest of it yourself.

Do you know I's a scientific fact that women reach their

sexual prime by age thirty-five and boys do in their teens

Biologically speaking, you and I should be mating right now.

Nikita.

Do me a favor.

Mate with somebody your own age.

Susan, 'm an altruist in bed.

I've done lots of research!

I have an idea.

Let's not do mating.

Let's do movies.

You and me?

Yes.

What time?

I don't care.

I'll buy them all!

I'll buy every ticket for all the shows.

For the rest of our lives!

Want another Kvas?

Man, this shit is Sputnik!

Give it to me.

Strong hands. I played the cello for ten years.

Now I why. Thanks a lot, Janice.

Shit!

I told him they were gonna repo it.

The've been leaving messages for months.

They repossessed his car?

I could've helped out, but what does he care about car payments?

All he cares about is changing the world with his stupid symphony.

Oh, come on. Is it that bad?

How should I know?

He was on page two as of last summer, now h's back on page one.

Well...

maybe tha's the way music's supposed to be composed.

Now I see it. You're just like your psycho dad.

You're such a Sarafanov.

They said I was Vince Vaughn meets Olivier.

Hey, Skippy.

Hey, buddy.

I'll be with you in a minute, okay?

Kinda urgent.

Bo, my friend

I'm an actor!

Skip, Skip...

See, yo're gonna have to lay off Susan, all right?

What? Why?

Well, I... I like her. Sh's a teacher. She believes the children are the future...

Just stay away from her, okay?

Is this about your little brother?

Yes.

Oh... Okay, well then uhm...

I'm gonna have to ask you to stay away from your sister.

I don't have time for this, okay?

I'm meeting up with Dad for drinks in ten minutes.

Dad?

Dad?

Yes. Dad.

Okay, you know what? Yo're really starting to freak me out now.

Skip, what the hell are you doing back here?

What am I doing here? There were two cop cars casing my apartment.

Tha's what 'm doing here.

I have nowhere else to go.

Shit!

We should go to Mexico.

This place is the fifth ring of hell.

I'd rather be in prison.

He said we were going to the Russian Rock Room. I thought it was a bar.

I can't breathe, I gotta get down from here.

Oh, no I'm getting down from here.

Alright

Your turn Princess!

Who? Me Princess?

No no no no...

I'm allergic!

Okay. Alright, Go easy!

Ow. Ow!

Ow!

Thank you... Thank you...

Listen son...

About the concert tomorrow...

That right!

I forgot to tell you.

Something came up.

I'm not gonna be able to make it. I'm sorry.

Don't worry!

I's a bad night anyway.

Uh, uh, we have, uh, this amateur guest conductor

you should see the new violinist that we got.

Young punk. The whole orchestra's a mess.

Come with!

I don't fancy myself a Mozart, son...

No no no...

It's just um...

Every man is born a creator, you see.

Every man.

We are here to pass on the very best of us.

The very essence.

The love.

This symphony,

is my contribution to humanity.

It is my legacy. My duty.

It is just opening, you know...

A blueprint, really.

Maybe this is't the... the right time?

I was gonna say maybe it's a...

it's a bit noisy.

It is, isn't it?

Let's go home.

Yee-haw...

Howdy, cowboy.

Shit.

You really just scared me.

Sorry.

I was looking for the bathroom.

Then what are you doing in my room?

Yeah... uh, Nikita...

He gave me this.

It's called kush.

Yeah... I'm sure he stole it from me.

I wish we grew up together.

Yeah. That would have been nice.

I could have used an older brother.

Yeah, you know.

The brothers and sisters, that...

that fight a lot...

beat eachother up.

We wouldn't do that.

No. No, we're

We'd be the other kind.

I think we'd be the kind that...

Likes to share things.

You know, or...

Share our toys...

books

blankets.

I...

Think we'd even...

Take baths together. You know more,

of a.. In sibling kind of way.

Yeah, well, I think w're about to turn into the kind that beat each other up.

Alright...

Whatever you're into.

If you and I

lived in a different life,

and we weren't relatives...

would I have a chance with you?

I think so.

I better go.

That was really great weed.

Me too.

Good night, brother.

Half-brother.

Good night all the same.

Max, I need to speak with you.

My brother

was taping the soccer game.

...surface streets, made its way onto local freeways, the 101 towards the Fairfax area.

The suspects seen here are still at large. If you see these people, please do not try to apprehend them.

Notify the police and they will take...

Hungry??

No thank you.

I had delicious chebureki this morning.

Thank you for the flower.

Where'd you get it?

I stole it from the neighbor next door.

Ah, how very Russian of you.

Here, try this.

You know...

there's this other Russian thing I've been...

dying to try.

Yeah, what's that?

Five sixty-five.

Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

Leave me alone okay?

Bo...

Max, I do't have time for this. Where the hel's Skip?

Bo. I's important that we talk.

Okay. Wanna make this quick?

Yeah,

I was at Vera's tonight.

Oh, good for you, Max. You know,

you two should get it on

I forgive you and so does Janice, okay?

I know everything, Bo. I saw you on TV.

Good...

Hey, Dad! Hey, bro.

Back row!

But you, a biology major, why would you steal a car?

I'm not a scientist, okay?

I went to Cal State for a year

on a track scholarship until I blew out my knee

and I've been hustling ever since, so...

You know, I's what I know. It's what I'm good at.

So, I'm not your problem, okay? Don't worry about me.

I's all my fault.

Max, what are you talking about?

You never had a father.

Poor Janice...

Raising a child by herself, especially boy.

I's unthinkable.

Max, Janice is not...

Your great Uncle Pavlek is a fantastic criminal lawyer.

W'll go through this together.

You have a father now, child.

You hear me?

A real father.

From now on, this will be the volume that you listen to your stupid music at!

Well...

Susan and I are in love...

And I'm taking her to the movies tonight.

Why don't you skip the movies and take her directly to jail.

W're moving to New York until we officially get married

and you're not invited.

Looks like we're all getting out of this dump.

Bo, you wanna stay and hang out with your dad, huh?

Okay wait, man. Wait, what if I did it like Max, you know?

It would be like,

if you could see how she sits,

absorbed and gazing into space,

a distant living world reflected in her eyes.

Skip, Skip, just, I ca...

I can't hear this anymore, okay?

Okay Okay

Jesus, Kenny. What happened to your face? You all right?

Does it look like I'm all right?

So fucking broke. My agent booked me as a piñata for a Telemundo commercial.

What the hell is this, Skip?

That is a Dodge Caravan.

Yeah. This is a chop shop, not a daycare center.

Kenny, look, we know that. W're real sorry, okay?

We just-We've been having, uhm...

family problems.

Look.

Look. I see that you guys are in a little bit of trouble, all right?

So, I will give you...

fifteen hundred for this piece of shit.

Fifteen hundred?

Fifteen? No, no, no, no, no. This is a vintage'98.

Look, you can shop it around if you want, boys.

Alright Kenny.

All right, Kenny. We will throw in this beautiful antique Russian ashtray with it.

Who's the dude there?

The dude is, is, is... Nicholas the Terrible.

No, no, no. Give me that. I's been in our family for hundreds of years.

I like it!

No.

Fine. Fifteen hundred.

Alright man, yo've got yourself a deal.

Well...

I suppose change is inevitable.

Although it is kind of weird to see you actually buying a car.

Ain't it though?

So we're driving then.

Yeah...

At least to Russian Nights.

Uhm...

Why would be stopping by Russian Nights?

To give Max his car.

Did you just trade my ticket to Tijuana to

buy back this piece of shit for your pseudo Dad?

I's not a piece of shit.

I's a contemporary classic.

Don't talk to me. I could go either way right now.

I have a toast!

A famous Russian Belarusian writer once said,

I's a job of a woman to get married as soon as possible,

And I's a man to get unmarried for as long as he can.

Amen.

You've got yourself a hell of a man, my angel.

Thank you, Uncle Fedya.

Thank you.

God. Sorry w're late.

What are you doing here?

This must be Bo.

Lieutenant.

It's Captain.

Humble civilian.

Awuh..

Thank you, Nikita. The're beautiful.

W're going to see Outlaws.

How appropriate.

10p.m. show?

Shoot. 10p.m.? Tha's a little late for me.

But you said you were free all night.

This is my fiancé, Greg Johnson.

Honor to finally meet you, sir.

Nice meeting you.

Greg flies F-16s.

Oh, terrific.

Have you met, uh...? Oh, yeah, sure you have.

Oh...

This is a moment, uh...

every father looks forward to, with hope...

and dread.

I'm sure my little girl knows what sh's doing.

You must be a good young man.

Thanks.

Treasure each other.

And remember,

life is wiser than we are.

As long as we live with honor and pure hearts

life will be merciful.

To life.

To this amazing phenomenon

that put us all together at this table.

Cheers! Nastrovia.

Nastrovia!

You know, Mr. Sarafanov,

now that I met you, I'm pretty sure 've seen you somewhere before.

I just, never forget a face.

Where do you play again?

Torrance Symphony Orchestra.

Yeah.

Nope, it wasn't there.

I mean...

I mean, where exactly does your orchestra play?

Oh, we play all over...

In, Downey, Glendale, uh, El Camino College.

Yeah.

No.

Uh, an aleverdi

Ov, olive what?

Uhm...

A great toast requires a reply.

I never thought of life as...

something that was fair before.

But, Max...

you made a believer out of me.

So, to Max!

Brilliant musician

and soon to be recognized composer.

But...

more importantly,

to a hell of a father

In two days,

you've done more for me as a father...

than most sons get in a lifetime.

Spoken like a true Russian.

Thank you, son.

Nastrovia.

Uh...

Hey, buddy Look.

Nikita.

Nikita...

Stop!

Sorry, Mr. Sarafanov.

But I got a photographic memory.

Like an elephant.

What instrument do you play?

He plays the clarinet.

Of course, the clarinet. That's, tha's where I knew you from.

I've seen him play the clarinet before.

Oh, let go of it, okay?

No, it was at Sunset Acres Nursing Home.

Tha's where I saw him.

You're mistaking him with someone else.

No, I'm not.

Yes, you are.

Wha's your problem?

You are.

Mr. Sarafanov. Tell them. My grandmother loves you.

Ida Johnson?

She's ninety-seven years old and she's always in the corner

yelling, bravo, bravo when yo're playing.

And on her birthday

I put ten dollars in your clarinet case.

Greg! Hey, Greg. Commando Greg. Greg!

You know you might recognize me, too!

I was, I was the, I was in the Dickies Nachos commercials.

I knew your face looked familiar!

He, h's the Royal Munch guy!

Exactly! Yeah!

Yeah.

You know what else?

Your face looks familiar to me.

Really?

I've seen you on TV.

Yes, I remember your grandmother.

She's a lovely woman.

It was me at nursing home.

I told you.

I play there.

Sometimes.

I also play...

At dance parties,

And funerals.

I lied to you.

I lied to you all along.

I, uh...

I was let go

from the orchestra six months ago.

I failed.

I failed as a serious musician.

I's all right. Please. I'll be all right.

Dance parties, funerals.

Tha's exactly where the great musicians belong, if you ask me.

Dad...

Who cares where you play?

You're awesome right here on Fairfax.

Thank you son.

I have wonderful children.

You're a whore.

You're just a whore.

Susan, wait!

Nikita...

I'm sorry. I told you I was great with faces.

Ah!

What's going on?

Oh Shit!

Everybody out now. He needs to rest.

Come on.

He'll be fine.

If he asks for some vodka...

give him a little.

Okay

Yes, with pickle.

Yes with pickle

Bye

I, uh... Will be next door.

Could I exchange those for a fifth of Smirnoff, please?

Nikita.

Alcohol is the Achilles heel of all Russian men.

Look at what happened with your brother.

What do you mean?

Wait til you see what Vera left in the VCR.

The suspects seen here are still at large.

Hey!

Man, Greg was a lot tougher than he looked.

Yeah, but you held your own for awhile.

Well, thank you, but I don't...

think I should have done that.

I like Greg. H's a nice guy.

Who am I kidding?

I could never move to Texas...

and marry Greg.

Hey, you okay?

No. I fell in love.

What?

Who's the lucky girl?

It's you.

Why are you torturing me like this?

You're my brother.

No, no, I am not your damn brother.

What do you mean?

I'm not your brother.

My mother,

raised me in Tarzana. I don't even know my da's name.

Lolita, just believe me. I lied. But I lied to Max. I lied to Nikita.

I am not related to you or anybody in this family!

I have given...

my whole life

to my children.

And what do I get in return?

They both leave me.

You are all have left of my soul.

You and your mother

We are off to the airport. You and I.

We are going back to Cincinnati to see Janice.

Ah, shit...

W'll pick up flowers at the airport.

Daisies, lots of them!

She used to love daisies.

Wha's so funny? Huh?

You think I's funny?

No.

Huh?

No.

I have raised some heartless egoists.

I show you what your fathe's made of!

All I need from this dump

is my clarinet!

My clarinet and my notes.

That is all what I need.

Nobody is carrying me from here in a coffin!

Nobody!

How could you lie to me like that?

What else was I supposed to do?

I trusted you.

I know.

I opened up to you.

I fucking French-kissed you.

You're just...

a stranger.

But I's a good thing. I mean...

are't you actually relieved that 'm not your brother?

No.

No.

Yes.

I don't know,

I'm gonna call the police

Oh, go ahead.

I'd rather be a convict than be your brother

And I just wish I could...

- Dad! - Oh gee

I's not what you think.

Oh god...

Please take a deep breath.

What have I done?

B's not my brother. H's just some hustler from Tarzana.

I's true.

He, h's a car thief. Him and Skip. I called the police.

I lied to you, Max. I'm not your son.

I'm sorry. But the police were chasing...

I need to see Janice.

My mother's nam's not Janice, Max.

It's Hillary

She's not a cellist.

She's a flight attendant for Hibichi Air.

And I'm not your son, Dad...

But I love you like the father I never had.

And you...

my God, I love seeing your face so much.

I don't ever want to blink again.

It's the cheese. They're everwhere!

Perfect.

I fell in love with a felon.

How Russian of me.

Will you marry me?

Pretty crazy timing.

Well, you said to live in the moment, so...

I'm about to go to prison. I had to ask.

You son of a bitch.

I guess I really deserved that.

You have beautiful eyes, you know that?

You too, Boris Maximovich.

Runs in the family.

Perverts.

Perfect

You're all my children.

My beautiful children.

My dear,

beautiful...

Beautiful

Oh, come here

We're all nuts!

Ladies and gentlemen!

This is the happiest day of my life.

He is a civilian. He is not a suspect.

My son and my daughter

are getting married.

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