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1
00:00:02,021 --> 00:00:03,541
♪ Oh, Mandy
2
00:00:03,541 --> 00:00:07,541
♪ Well, you came and you gave
without taking
3
00:00:07,541 --> 00:00:09,541
♪ But I sent you away
4
00:00:09,541 --> 00:00:11,581
♪ Oh, Mandy
5
00:00:11,581 --> 00:00:16,781
♪ Well, you kissed me
and stopped me from shaking
6
00:00:16,781 --> 00:00:19,301
♪ And I need you today
7
00:00:19,301 --> 00:00:22,181
♪ Oh, Mandy. ♪
8
00:00:22,181 --> 00:00:25,781
I really can't understand
the demonization of pigeons.
9
00:00:25,781 --> 00:00:27,701
I think they're nice.
10
00:00:27,701 --> 00:00:30,061
And they really helped us out
during the war,
11
00:00:30,061 --> 00:00:32,381
you know, delivering messages
and stuff.
12
00:00:32,381 --> 00:00:34,381
They're really intelligent.
13
00:00:34,381 --> 00:00:36,901
You're not meant to smoke in here.
14
00:00:36,901 --> 00:00:40,821
Am I not? Well, of course not.
They're bad for your health.
15
00:00:40,821 --> 00:00:42,661
First I've heard of it.
16
00:00:44,501 --> 00:00:46,261
Fake news.
17
00:00:46,261 --> 00:00:49,941
Smoking will knock 15 years
off your life.
18
00:00:49,941 --> 00:00:51,741
15 years?!
19
00:00:52,741 --> 00:00:54,861
That means I'll be dead by...
20
00:00:55,861 --> 00:00:58,301
Well, the most important thing...
Hang on. Nearly there.
21
00:01:00,301 --> 00:01:01,781
2026.
22
00:01:01,781 --> 00:01:05,141
That's terrible. World's Strongest
Man is coming to Gateshead in 2030 -
23
00:01:05,141 --> 00:01:06,421
I can't miss that.
24
00:01:06,421 --> 00:01:09,501
Well, stop smoking, eat healthy food
and stay active
25
00:01:09,501 --> 00:01:12,061
and there's no reason
you couldn't go to Gateshead.
26
00:01:12,061 --> 00:01:13,501
What do you mean, eat healthy?
27
00:01:13,501 --> 00:01:17,541
Well, do you have your five portions
of fruit and veg? Yes, done that.
28
00:01:17,541 --> 00:01:19,301
What do you mean, you've done it?
29
00:01:19,301 --> 00:01:22,061
Well, I had a banana
in the early '80s,
30
00:01:22,061 --> 00:01:24,061
had some broccoli in 1984.
31
00:01:24,061 --> 00:01:26,661
1990, I had a corn on the cob.
32
00:01:26,661 --> 00:01:29,541
That were actually quite nice
so I had another in 1993.
33
00:01:29,541 --> 00:01:32,061
And on 9/11, I had a toffee apple,
34
00:01:32,061 --> 00:01:34,181
just to cheer meself up.
35
00:01:34,181 --> 00:01:36,421
No, you've
fundamentally misunderstood
36
00:01:36,421 --> 00:01:37,821
the concept of five a day.
37
00:01:37,821 --> 00:01:40,621
A day?! You're joking?!
Who's got time for that?
38
00:01:40,621 --> 00:01:42,781
Look, if you want to go
to Gateshead,
39
00:01:42,781 --> 00:01:45,061
you're going to have to make
some changes.
40
00:01:45,061 --> 00:01:48,301
I need to get to Gateshead.
What do I need to do? Tell me.
41
00:01:48,301 --> 00:01:50,301
Eat healthy food...
42
00:01:51,381 --> 00:01:53,541
..get some exercise
43
00:01:53,541 --> 00:01:57,421
and there are various things
you can do to stop smoking.
44
00:01:57,421 --> 00:02:00,941
Patches, gums, hypnotherapy.
45
00:02:00,941 --> 00:02:04,301
But I'm going to give you
a prescription
46
00:02:04,301 --> 00:02:06,541
for some pills to help you
47
00:02:06,541 --> 00:02:11,341
because your uterus really
should not be mustard yellow.
48
00:02:11,341 --> 00:02:13,541
What colour should it be?
49
00:02:13,541 --> 00:02:16,021
Well, pink, obviously.
50
00:02:17,781 --> 00:02:19,461
Who knew?
51
00:02:27,501 --> 00:02:30,541
Oh, look at you
in your new tracksuit.
52
00:02:30,541 --> 00:02:32,621
MANDY GASPS FOR BREATH
53
00:02:40,261 --> 00:02:42,781
This is the new me, Lola.
54
00:02:42,781 --> 00:02:47,301
I'm going to exercise, eat better
and I'm giving up smoking
55
00:02:47,301 --> 00:02:49,941
cos me uterus
has gone mustard yellow.
56
00:02:49,941 --> 00:02:52,781
What colour is it supposed to be?
Pink, apparently.
57
00:02:53,821 --> 00:02:56,061
How's the nicotine cravings? Fine.
58
00:02:56,061 --> 00:02:59,101
Every time I fancy a fag,
just take some of these.
59
00:02:59,101 --> 00:03:00,781
Good for you.
60
00:03:00,781 --> 00:03:03,461
To be honest, Lola, it's
the exercise that's killing me.
61
00:03:03,461 --> 00:03:05,941
I've tried running
and it's an absolute shithouse.
62
00:03:05,941 --> 00:03:09,061
Why not get a dog?
I had a friend who was 18 stone.
63
00:03:09,061 --> 00:03:11,381
She got a dog, walked it every day,
64
00:03:11,381 --> 00:03:14,341
and now she's only
17-and-a-half stone.
65
00:03:14,341 --> 00:03:17,061
I can't afford one.
Otherwise, you know me, Lola,
66
00:03:17,061 --> 00:03:19,701
I'd have a Dobermann Pinscher
like that.
67
00:03:19,701 --> 00:03:21,861
You could walk other people's dogs.
68
00:03:24,541 --> 00:03:26,301
That's a great idea.
69
00:03:29,701 --> 00:03:33,381
MUSIC: Eat Y'self Fitter by The Fall
70
00:03:33,381 --> 00:03:35,781
INAUDIBLE
71
00:03:54,061 --> 00:03:55,901
He's a big dog, in't he?
72
00:03:55,901 --> 00:03:57,621
Yeah.
73
00:03:57,621 --> 00:03:59,541
He's a good boy, Max.
74
00:03:59,541 --> 00:04:02,941
He's been such a comfort
since my wife died.
75
00:04:02,941 --> 00:04:05,341
Well, he's all...
Can I walk him or what?
76
00:04:07,301 --> 00:04:09,541
Well, actually...
77
00:04:09,541 --> 00:04:13,541
..it's my turn to host the widowers'
support group this evening
78
00:04:13,541 --> 00:04:16,781
so, yeah, you could take him
for a walk for a couple of hours.
79
00:04:16,781 --> 00:04:18,181
Great.
80
00:04:19,181 --> 00:04:23,701
He always tries to hump Keith's leg,
which is a bit distressing for him,
81
00:04:23,701 --> 00:04:25,301
so, erm...
82
00:04:25,301 --> 00:04:29,301
Anyhow, I'm at 12 Lavender Lane.
83
00:04:29,301 --> 00:04:31,541
Right. I promise not to hurt him.
84
00:04:31,541 --> 00:04:33,061
Great.
85
00:04:33,061 --> 00:04:35,581
Come round about 5:30!
86
00:04:35,581 --> 00:04:37,301
All right. Yeah, yeah...
87
00:04:39,301 --> 00:04:42,301
Hey, great tip
about the dog walking, Lola.
88
00:04:43,301 --> 00:04:45,301
I've got the healthy eating sorted,
too.
89
00:04:45,301 --> 00:04:46,461
That's my girl.
90
00:04:46,461 --> 00:04:48,381
I'm going to do vegetable smoothies.
91
00:04:48,381 --> 00:04:50,701
Only that sounds a bit dull,
dun't it,
92
00:04:50,701 --> 00:04:53,501
so I'm going to throw in some meat
as well, ease meself in.
93
00:04:58,381 --> 00:05:00,221
Oh, excuse me,
94
00:05:00,221 --> 00:05:03,101
your bag, it's dripping blood
all over my Yellow Pages.
95
00:05:03,101 --> 00:05:04,701
Oh, it'll wipe off.
96
00:05:04,701 --> 00:05:07,821
Well, it's everywhere.
Please, could you move it?
97
00:05:07,821 --> 00:05:09,541
Oh, Jesus Christ!
98
00:05:09,541 --> 00:05:11,781
All right, all right!
99
00:05:11,781 --> 00:05:15,661
Is this what you want? This?
Do you want me to remove it for you?
100
00:05:15,661 --> 00:05:17,541
What are you looking for, hm?
101
00:05:17,541 --> 00:05:20,061
A plumber?
Looking for a plumber, were you?
102
00:05:20,061 --> 00:05:22,141
You're not going to find him now,
are you, eh?!
103
00:05:22,141 --> 00:05:23,981
Find him now!
104
00:05:23,981 --> 00:05:25,781
Find your little plumber.
105
00:05:25,781 --> 00:05:28,381
Oh, Yellow Pages.
Looking at the Yellow Pages.
106
00:05:28,381 --> 00:05:29,901
Oooh!
107
00:05:37,541 --> 00:05:39,541
Look what you made me do.
108
00:05:45,541 --> 00:05:47,781
I don't know what came over me,
Lola.
109
00:05:47,781 --> 00:05:50,381
A red mist came up
and I just blacked out.
110
00:05:50,381 --> 00:05:52,541
Let me have a look at those pills.
111
00:05:52,541 --> 00:05:57,061
"Side effects include increased
appetite, sleeplessness and..."
112
00:05:57,061 --> 00:05:59,381
Yes, "violent mood swings"!
113
00:05:59,381 --> 00:06:03,061
Mandy, you cannot eat these pills.
What am I going to do, Lola?
114
00:06:03,061 --> 00:06:05,301
I need to stop smoking
or I'll not live
115
00:06:05,301 --> 00:06:07,301
to see the Strongman competition.
116
00:06:07,301 --> 00:06:08,901
You should try hypnotherapy.
117
00:06:08,901 --> 00:06:10,861
Where am I going to
find one of those?
118
00:06:10,861 --> 00:06:12,381
Yellow Pages.
119
00:06:12,381 --> 00:06:14,421
Let your fingers do the walking.
120
00:06:17,061 --> 00:06:19,301
Oh, H is covered in blood.
121
00:06:21,501 --> 00:06:22,821
I know.
122
00:06:22,821 --> 00:06:26,341
♪ Eat y'self fitter?
Eat y'self fitter! ♪
123
00:06:31,021 --> 00:06:33,381
Yeah, I'm not really
that kind of hypnotist.
124
00:06:33,381 --> 00:06:35,781
I'm more a make you dance
like Rod Stewart
125
00:06:35,781 --> 00:06:38,301
to "Do You Think I'm Sexy?"
kind of hypnotist.
126
00:06:38,301 --> 00:06:41,061
Oh, go on. I'll give you 20 quid.
127
00:06:43,381 --> 00:06:44,941
And whatever this is.
128
00:06:47,541 --> 00:06:49,581
Yeah, all right, I'll give it a go.
129
00:07:02,301 --> 00:07:04,061
Smoking, is it?
130
00:07:05,541 --> 00:07:06,781
Yeah.
131
00:07:06,781 --> 00:07:09,781
Given up smoking, me.
I've been hypnotised not to.
132
00:07:10,781 --> 00:07:12,781
I'm really enjoying it.
133
00:07:12,781 --> 00:07:14,541
Don't miss it at all.
134
00:07:14,541 --> 00:07:16,061
Not at all.
135
00:07:16,061 --> 00:07:17,781
No, if I get a craving,
136
00:07:17,781 --> 00:07:20,621
I'll just have, like,
a healthy smoothie or something.
137
00:07:20,621 --> 00:07:24,141
And if that doesn't hit the spot,
I'll just throw some meat in,
138
00:07:24,141 --> 00:07:25,941
give it a bit of oomph.
139
00:07:25,941 --> 00:07:28,541
Yeah, I got all this
from the butcher for a fiver
140
00:07:28,541 --> 00:07:30,381
cos he said it were going off.
141
00:07:30,381 --> 00:07:32,061
Most of it's still quite pink.
142
00:07:32,061 --> 00:07:34,381
That's the colour
I'd like my lungs to be.
143
00:07:34,381 --> 00:07:36,541
And my uterus...
144
00:07:36,541 --> 00:07:38,181
..eventually.
145
00:07:39,541 --> 00:07:41,541
Anyway, what time is it?
146
00:07:41,541 --> 00:07:45,541
Oh, bloody hell, I can't sit here
gassing with you all day!
147
00:07:45,541 --> 00:07:47,261
I've got to walk that bloke's dog.
148
00:07:49,741 --> 00:07:51,861
KNOCK ON DOOR
149
00:07:58,941 --> 00:08:01,501
Hiya. I've come for Max.
150
00:08:01,501 --> 00:08:03,061
Of course.
151
00:08:03,061 --> 00:08:04,741
Max.
152
00:08:04,741 --> 00:08:08,101
Max!
153
00:08:08,101 --> 00:08:10,261
Come here, boy.
Come here, then.
154
00:08:11,741 --> 00:08:14,541
Erm, these are his treats.
155
00:08:14,541 --> 00:08:17,301
Make sure he doesn't have
more than three,
156
00:08:17,301 --> 00:08:19,381
but don't let him have
less than one.
157
00:08:20,901 --> 00:08:24,501
These are his, erm, poo bags.
158
00:08:26,941 --> 00:08:29,821
This is a coat for him
in case it rains.
159
00:08:29,821 --> 00:08:35,541
And this is a little hat for him
in case it's sunny.
160
00:08:35,541 --> 00:08:37,061
Yeah...
HE CHUCKLES SOFTLY
161
00:08:37,061 --> 00:08:39,821
Bye-bye, Max. Bye-bye.
162
00:08:39,821 --> 00:08:41,381
Love you, Max.
163
00:08:41,381 --> 00:08:43,301
Love you so, so much.
164
00:08:43,301 --> 00:08:45,821
I'll miss you, my little sausage.
Yes.
165
00:08:47,061 --> 00:08:50,741
Love you, Max. You'll be back
with Daddy soon. Yes, yes, yes.
166
00:08:50,741 --> 00:08:53,141
Love you. Love you. Love you, Max.
167
00:08:53,141 --> 00:08:55,061
Yes, you will. Yes.
168
00:08:55,061 --> 00:08:57,781
Love you. Love you so much.
Love you.
169
00:08:58,781 --> 00:09:02,181
You'll take good care of him,
won't you? Yeah, I won't hurt it.
170
00:09:02,181 --> 00:09:03,501
Come on.
171
00:09:24,341 --> 00:09:26,061
Max, slow down!
172
00:09:27,541 --> 00:09:29,781
DOG BARKS
173
00:09:31,261 --> 00:09:34,941
MUSIC: Eat Y'self Fitter
by The Fall
174
00:10:05,781 --> 00:10:08,061
♪ Heifer whines
175
00:10:08,061 --> 00:10:11,061
♪ Could be human cries
176
00:10:13,541 --> 00:10:17,061
♪ Closer comes
177
00:10:17,061 --> 00:10:19,821
♪ The screaming knife... ♪
178
00:10:19,821 --> 00:10:21,541
Oh, God.
179
00:10:22,541 --> 00:10:24,981
♪ This beautiful creature
must die... ♪
180
00:10:24,981 --> 00:10:26,541
Oh, God!
181
00:10:28,541 --> 00:10:30,421
Oh, God, no.
182
00:10:30,421 --> 00:10:35,301
Oh, God! Oh, sweet Jesus,
what have I done?
183
00:10:40,301 --> 00:10:42,781
Since she's gone,
184
00:10:42,781 --> 00:10:45,541
I've...I've been living
on boiled eggs.
185
00:10:46,781 --> 00:10:49,301
I don't even know
how to work the oven.
186
00:10:51,541 --> 00:10:55,061
One silly little thing I've done
187
00:10:55,061 --> 00:10:58,301
to, erm, to keep her memory alive
188
00:10:58,301 --> 00:11:03,781
is I've changed the ringtone
on my phone
189
00:11:03,781 --> 00:11:06,061
to her favourite song.
190
00:11:07,781 --> 00:11:09,781
A bit silly, really.
191
00:11:14,821 --> 00:11:18,061
It's funny, Keith not turning up.
192
00:11:18,061 --> 00:11:20,261
Not like him at all.
193
00:11:23,781 --> 00:11:25,541
KNOCK ON DOOR
194
00:11:25,541 --> 00:11:27,301
Maybe that's him.
195
00:11:28,301 --> 00:11:29,901
Excuse me.
196
00:11:35,061 --> 00:11:37,301
CRIES: I've got some terrible news.
197
00:11:38,301 --> 00:11:39,781
What is it?
198
00:11:40,781 --> 00:11:42,301
Where's Max?
199
00:11:43,301 --> 00:11:44,741
He's dead.
200
00:11:45,901 --> 00:11:47,781
I think I've eaten him.
201
00:11:51,101 --> 00:11:52,701
What do you mean?
202
00:11:54,021 --> 00:11:56,541
I've been taking these pills.
203
00:11:56,541 --> 00:11:59,061
They've turned me into a monster.
204
00:11:59,061 --> 00:12:02,141
I tore Max limb from limb. No.
205
00:12:02,141 --> 00:12:05,141
No, not...not Max as well.
206
00:12:05,141 --> 00:12:08,061
I have these mood swings,
these blackouts.
207
00:12:09,061 --> 00:12:11,941
One of the side-effects
is increased appetite.
208
00:12:12,941 --> 00:12:14,461
So...
209
00:12:15,461 --> 00:12:18,301
..I've ripped your dog to shreds
and eaten him.
210
00:12:20,781 --> 00:12:23,061
I scraped up what's left of him.
211
00:12:31,301 --> 00:12:32,781
Oh, God.
212
00:12:34,061 --> 00:12:38,981
I was supposed to be eating healthy
and all, so it's bad for me as well.
213
00:12:40,781 --> 00:12:44,061
On the plus side, the hypnotism
I've been doing must have worked
214
00:12:44,061 --> 00:12:47,581
because I haven't felt like a fag
in the last half-hour.
215
00:12:47,581 --> 00:12:51,781
♪ If you want my body
and you think I'm sexy
216
00:12:51,781 --> 00:12:54,621
♪ Come on, sugar, let me know
217
00:12:56,061 --> 00:13:00,301
♪ If you really need me,
just reach out and touch me
218
00:13:00,301 --> 00:13:03,661
♪ Come on, honey, tell me so
219
00:13:04,661 --> 00:13:07,701
MUSIC: Do You Think I'm Sexy?
by Rod Stewart
220
00:13:22,061 --> 00:13:26,061
♪ He's acting shy,
looking for an answer
221
00:13:26,061 --> 00:13:30,301
♪ Come on, honey,
let's spend the night together
222
00:13:30,301 --> 00:13:34,541
♪ Now hold on a minute
before we go much further
223
00:13:34,541 --> 00:13:39,061
♪ Give me a dime
so I can phone my mother
224
00:13:39,061 --> 00:13:43,061
♪ They catch a cab
to his high-rise apartment
225
00:13:43,061 --> 00:13:47,701
♪ At last he can tell her
exactly what his heart meant
226
00:13:47,701 --> 00:13:51,541
♪ If you want my body
and you think I'm sexy
227
00:13:51,541 --> 00:13:55,061
♪ Come on, honey, tell me so
228
00:13:56,061 --> 00:14:00,061
♪ If you really need me,
just reach out and touch me
229
00:14:00,061 --> 00:14:03,541
♪ Come on, sugar, let me know... ♪
16654
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