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1
00:00:04,203 --> 00:00:07,673
There comes a time
in everyone's life
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00:00:07,706 --> 00:00:10,576
when he or she
must ask themselves
3
00:00:10,609 --> 00:00:14,247
some very important
questions:
4
00:00:14,280 --> 00:00:15,481
Who am I?
5
00:00:15,514 --> 00:00:16,682
What am I?
6
00:00:16,715 --> 00:00:19,619
Where did I come from?
7
00:00:19,652 --> 00:00:22,121
As I remember it,
I started life
8
00:00:22,154 --> 00:00:24,457
down the road most traveled.
9
00:00:24,490 --> 00:00:25,657
[pop]
10
00:00:25,691 --> 00:00:28,593
Ha ha! Here we are.
11
00:00:28,627 --> 00:00:29,829
- Whoops!
- Baby: Ooh!
12
00:00:29,862 --> 00:00:33,199
Whoa-ho.
Sorry there, little tyke.
13
00:00:33,232 --> 00:00:35,301
Mrs. Riley, congratulations.
14
00:00:35,334 --> 00:00:37,070
You are the proud mother
15
00:00:37,103 --> 00:00:39,272
of a beautiful
7 1/2-pound baby--
16
00:00:39,305 --> 00:00:41,674
Doctor, come quick.
There's an emergency
in Ward G.
17
00:00:41,707 --> 00:00:44,143
Well, is it a boy
or a girl?
18
00:00:44,176 --> 00:00:46,145
No time.
Look for yourself.
19
00:00:46,178 --> 00:00:47,413
Whoop.
20
00:00:48,547 --> 00:00:50,315
It's Pat.
21
00:00:50,349 --> 00:00:51,550
Uhh.
22
00:00:51,584 --> 00:00:53,252
♪ [piano]
23
00:00:53,285 --> 00:00:55,620
♪ A lot of people
say "What's that?"
24
00:00:55,654 --> 00:00:57,256
♪ It's Pat ♪
25
00:00:57,289 --> 00:00:59,092
♪ Ma'am or a sir ♪
26
00:00:59,125 --> 00:01:00,560
♪ Accept him or her ♪
27
00:01:00,593 --> 00:01:03,229
♪ For whatever it might be ♪
28
00:01:03,262 --> 00:01:05,631
♪ It's time for androgyny ♪
29
00:01:05,664 --> 00:01:07,567
♪ Here comes Pat ♪
30
00:01:07,600 --> 00:01:09,601
♪ [scatting]
31
00:02:07,893 --> 00:02:09,596
♪ [continues]
32
00:02:19,838 --> 00:02:22,308
♪ It's time for androgyny ♪
33
00:02:22,341 --> 00:02:24,144
♪ Here comes Pat ♪
34
00:02:27,246 --> 00:02:29,582
♪ Here comes Pat ♪
35
00:02:29,615 --> 00:02:31,251
♪ Pow ♪
36
00:02:33,419 --> 00:02:36,222
Pat, narrating:
Hi. That's me in
the fourth grade.
37
00:02:36,255 --> 00:02:38,191
Oh, on the right.
38
00:02:38,224 --> 00:02:41,260
Will you be
my valentine, Pat?
39
00:02:41,293 --> 00:02:42,962
What?
40
00:02:42,995 --> 00:02:46,833
Are you
kind of confused today?
41
00:02:48,467 --> 00:02:50,469
I was always very popular.
42
00:02:50,502 --> 00:02:53,806
Pat, will you
be my valentine?
43
00:02:53,839 --> 00:02:55,641
Oh, I'm sure.
44
00:02:55,674 --> 00:02:59,279
Why don't you take
a reality pill?
45
00:03:00,546 --> 00:03:03,583
Terry is my valentine.
46
00:03:03,616 --> 00:03:06,619
[giggling]
47
00:03:06,652 --> 00:03:08,821
By the time I reached
high school,
48
00:03:08,854 --> 00:03:10,823
I was confident,
and I thought
49
00:03:10,856 --> 00:03:13,559
I'd figured out all
of life's big questions.
50
00:03:13,592 --> 00:03:17,597
To me it was the adults
who seemed confused
51
00:03:21,367 --> 00:03:22,802
Have a nice day.
52
00:03:24,970 --> 00:03:26,606
Then I reached maturity.
53
00:03:26,639 --> 00:03:28,674
I finally found a job
that allowed me
54
00:03:28,707 --> 00:03:31,644
to take full advantage
of my special people skills.
55
00:03:31,677 --> 00:03:33,412
Here comes the mail.
56
00:03:33,445 --> 00:03:36,215
Boy, this is
the career for me.
57
00:03:39,752 --> 00:03:41,287
Oh.
58
00:03:41,320 --> 00:03:42,555
Eileen.
59
00:03:42,588 --> 00:03:44,323
Prepare yourself.
60
00:03:44,356 --> 00:03:46,025
That battle-axe
mother-in-law of yours
61
00:03:46,058 --> 00:03:47,692
is gonna come
for a whole month.
62
00:03:47,726 --> 00:03:50,563
And, uh,
you're being audited.
63
00:03:50,596 --> 00:03:52,332
Hope you get to keep
your home.
64
00:04:03,676 --> 00:04:05,878
The world was my oyster.
65
00:04:05,911 --> 00:04:08,481
But then I turned 33,
66
00:04:08,514 --> 00:04:11,817
and, like many great figures
in history before me,
67
00:04:11,850 --> 00:04:14,287
it was a year
that changed my life
68
00:04:14,320 --> 00:04:16,723
as I knew it forever.
69
00:04:18,690 --> 00:04:20,926
How long have we known
each other, Pat?
70
00:04:20,959 --> 00:04:23,062
Four and a half days.
71
00:04:23,095 --> 00:04:24,864
Let's make it five.
72
00:04:24,897 --> 00:04:27,466
Got a complaint
from Mr. and Mrs. Kogan.
73
00:04:27,499 --> 00:04:29,702
Seems you opened a letter
from their son
74
00:04:29,735 --> 00:04:31,470
and you told them he was gay.
75
00:04:31,503 --> 00:04:33,673
That's right.
I say that's life.
76
00:04:33,706 --> 00:04:35,641
Move on, accept.
77
00:04:35,674 --> 00:04:37,743
That's a federal offense,
Pat.
78
00:04:37,776 --> 00:04:39,879
Being gay?
79
00:04:39,912 --> 00:04:42,614
Opening someone else's mail.
80
00:04:42,648 --> 00:04:45,751
Oh.
81
00:04:45,784 --> 00:04:46,986
Well, I'm looking forward
82
00:04:47,019 --> 00:04:48,387
to the sorting seminar
this weekend.
83
00:04:48,420 --> 00:04:49,588
You're fired.
84
00:04:49,621 --> 00:04:51,291
What?
85
00:04:53,492 --> 00:04:55,027
What I mean to say is
86
00:04:55,060 --> 00:04:57,697
there's nothing wrong
with your work per se.
87
00:04:57,730 --> 00:05:01,901
It's just that I kind of
have to let you go.
88
00:05:01,934 --> 00:05:04,036
But I don't
want to be fired.
89
00:05:04,069 --> 00:05:05,471
I didn't think you would.
90
00:05:05,504 --> 00:05:09,442
You're not, uh,
disgruntled, are you?
91
00:05:09,475 --> 00:05:10,743
No.
92
00:05:10,776 --> 00:05:13,546
You're fired.
93
00:05:13,579 --> 00:05:15,014
Madness!
94
00:05:16,548 --> 00:05:18,484
Whenever I lose a job,
95
00:05:18,517 --> 00:05:20,686
I like to forget
about my problems
96
00:05:20,719 --> 00:05:23,522
and help others--
say a neighbor in need.
97
00:05:23,555 --> 00:05:25,057
Pat, can I help you?
98
00:05:25,090 --> 00:05:27,493
Oh. Hi, Kathy.
99
00:05:27,526 --> 00:05:29,528
Every time I look
in your front window,
100
00:05:29,561 --> 00:05:32,364
I notice the clock
on your VCR is blinking.
101
00:05:32,398 --> 00:05:34,767
I could fix that
for you in a jiffy.
102
00:05:34,800 --> 00:05:37,002
Oh, uh, okay,
if you want to.
103
00:05:37,035 --> 00:05:38,771
Well, I can't do it
right now.
104
00:05:38,804 --> 00:05:41,039
I have to come back
when it's convenient for me.
105
00:05:41,073 --> 00:05:42,407
[chuckling]
106
00:05:45,944 --> 00:05:47,080
[humming]
107
00:05:50,549 --> 00:05:52,150
Hi, Tippy.
108
00:05:52,184 --> 00:05:54,687
Oh. Oh, Pat.
What do you want?
109
00:05:54,720 --> 00:05:55,921
I just thought
I'd stop by
110
00:05:55,954 --> 00:05:57,690
and pick up a few
personal items.
111
00:05:57,723 --> 00:05:59,458
Oh, no, no, no.
Please, remember?
112
00:05:59,491 --> 00:06:02,027
No, I don't want to know
about your sex life, okay?
113
00:06:02,060 --> 00:06:03,896
I just want to get
a few toiletries.
114
00:06:03,929 --> 00:06:06,899
Uh, first of all,
I need some protection.
115
00:06:06,932 --> 00:06:08,634
Oh, dear God. Okay.
All right.
116
00:06:08,667 --> 00:06:09,869
From underarm wetness.
117
00:06:09,902 --> 00:06:12,638
I'm never one to offend.
118
00:06:12,671 --> 00:06:14,540
2.50, then, all right?
And you're out.
119
00:06:14,573 --> 00:06:16,075
What am I, in a race?
Whoa.
120
00:06:16,108 --> 00:06:17,676
Well, kind of. It's late.
121
00:06:17,709 --> 00:06:18,878
And I need a lubricant.
122
00:06:18,911 --> 00:06:20,646
What?
123
00:06:20,679 --> 00:06:22,181
For my eyes.
They're drying up,
124
00:06:22,214 --> 00:06:24,450
due to the pollen
and dust in the air.
125
00:06:24,483 --> 00:06:25,918
Oh. Oh, great.
126
00:06:25,951 --> 00:06:27,820
Help me, someone.
Just help me.
127
00:06:27,853 --> 00:06:30,723
And I need
some feminine napkins.
128
00:06:30,756 --> 00:06:33,025
Oh, I'm in hell.
I am in hell now.
129
00:06:33,058 --> 00:06:34,460
You never
know when Aunt Wilma's
130
00:06:34,493 --> 00:06:35,728
going to stop by
for lunch.
131
00:06:35,761 --> 00:06:37,630
Thank you.
That's it, all right?
132
00:06:37,663 --> 00:06:39,064
- Guess so.
- Okay.
133
00:06:39,097 --> 00:06:40,633
There you go. It's yours.
134
00:06:40,666 --> 00:06:42,001
Okay. Don't you want me--
135
00:06:42,034 --> 00:06:43,202
Go now. Just go on--
136
00:06:43,235 --> 00:06:44,637
...pay or anything?
137
00:06:44,670 --> 00:06:46,539
No, it's on me.
Go ahead and go now.
138
00:06:46,572 --> 00:06:47,973
Okay? You're gone.
Bye-bye now.
139
00:06:48,006 --> 00:06:49,142
Bye.
140
00:06:52,644 --> 00:06:55,714
Tippy was clearly
unhappy in her job.
141
00:06:55,747 --> 00:06:57,483
Well, so are most people.
142
00:06:57,516 --> 00:06:59,952
Not me. I was
free as a bird.
143
00:06:59,985 --> 00:07:01,721
Girl:
...a very busy day.
144
00:07:11,096 --> 00:07:13,566
Man: I saw the guy.
They built right on him.
145
00:07:13,599 --> 00:07:15,001
[laughter, chatter]
146
00:07:16,568 --> 00:07:18,738
Hey. How you doing?
147
00:07:20,873 --> 00:07:24,109
Houston, we're proceeding
onto Silver Lake Drive...
148
00:07:24,142 --> 00:07:27,046
past the magazine stand.
You copy?
149
00:07:40,225 --> 00:07:41,761
Ah-choo!
150
00:07:46,231 --> 00:07:49,068
[speaking Japanese]
151
00:07:49,101 --> 00:07:50,603
...fella.
152
00:07:50,636 --> 00:07:52,972
[speaking Japanese]
153
00:07:59,978 --> 00:08:01,881
[speaking Japanese]
154
00:08:13,659 --> 00:08:15,127
[blender starts]
155
00:08:24,736 --> 00:08:27,673
Hey, sprechen-sie
Americano, por favor.
156
00:08:27,706 --> 00:08:28,841
[chuckling]
157
00:08:34,279 --> 00:08:37,216
Let me give you
a piece of advice, Kathy.
158
00:08:37,249 --> 00:08:38,751
Hello.
159
00:08:38,784 --> 00:08:40,218
Don't ever work
in the restaurant business.
160
00:08:40,251 --> 00:08:42,221
They just expect you
to serve people.
161
00:08:42,254 --> 00:08:44,056
[chuckling] I quit.
162
00:08:44,089 --> 00:08:45,724
Pat, I'm in a towel.
163
00:08:45,757 --> 00:08:47,693
Should I be embarrassed?
164
00:08:47,726 --> 00:08:49,562
Uh...
165
00:08:49,595 --> 00:08:51,230
What the hell
is in your nose?
166
00:08:51,263 --> 00:08:52,831
Oh, tissues.
167
00:08:52,864 --> 00:08:55,234
I have allergies
and sniffles.
168
00:08:55,267 --> 00:08:58,304
You know, there are
millions and millions
of microscopic dust mites
169
00:08:58,337 --> 00:08:59,805
that live all over your body,
170
00:08:59,838 --> 00:09:01,839
and conceivably
they can crawl up your nose
171
00:09:01,873 --> 00:09:04,310
and lay eggs in your brain.
172
00:09:04,343 --> 00:09:06,277
Yeah, I've heard that, Pat.
173
00:09:06,311 --> 00:09:07,846
Why don't you
just leave them in?
174
00:09:07,879 --> 00:09:09,114
No, it's all right.
175
00:09:09,147 --> 00:09:11,016
Pat, we have to have
a little chat, okay?
176
00:09:11,049 --> 00:09:13,651
You can't just barge in here
whenever you want to, okay?
177
00:09:13,685 --> 00:09:15,654
I'm trying to get ready
for a date, all right?
178
00:09:15,687 --> 00:09:17,189
And we really barely
know each other.
179
00:09:17,222 --> 00:09:18,757
Oh. Well, you said
180
00:09:18,790 --> 00:09:21,193
you wanted me to set
the clock on your VCR.
181
00:09:21,226 --> 00:09:23,862
Once, Pat. I said it
once in passing.
182
00:09:23,895 --> 00:09:25,031
Uh...
183
00:09:26,832 --> 00:09:28,033
Well,
it's really very simple.
184
00:09:28,066 --> 00:09:30,035
Any moron could do it.
185
00:09:30,068 --> 00:09:32,137
So you finally
got a date, huh?
186
00:09:32,170 --> 00:09:33,339
Ha ha. Yeah. Lucky me.
187
00:09:33,372 --> 00:09:34,806
[beep]
188
00:09:34,840 --> 00:09:37,343
So what's his name
anyway?
189
00:09:37,376 --> 00:09:39,911
That's none of your business,
Pat, okay?
190
00:09:39,945 --> 00:09:41,747
I'm going to draw
a little boundary.
191
00:09:41,780 --> 00:09:44,617
I understand. You're a little
sensitive on that topic.
192
00:09:47,319 --> 00:09:50,255
So did I tell you
I'm unemployed?
193
00:09:50,288 --> 00:09:52,958
Yeah, about, uh, 400 times.
194
00:09:52,991 --> 00:09:55,194
Say, do you think you could
make an announcement about it
195
00:09:55,227 --> 00:09:57,630
at the radio station?
196
00:09:57,663 --> 00:09:59,131
Absolutely not.
197
00:09:59,164 --> 00:10:01,199
All right,
well, think it over.
198
00:10:01,233 --> 00:10:03,102
But when you do
make the announcement,
199
00:10:03,135 --> 00:10:06,038
let me know. I want
to tell my friends
to tune in.
200
00:10:06,071 --> 00:10:08,173
They don't listen
to your show normally.
201
00:10:08,206 --> 00:10:09,375
Oh.
202
00:10:12,778 --> 00:10:14,647
Oh, I'm sorry. I got to go.
203
00:10:14,680 --> 00:10:15,814
Do you?
204
00:10:18,050 --> 00:10:20,151
You're my best friend,
Kathy.
205
00:10:20,185 --> 00:10:22,887
Oh, Am I?
206
00:10:22,921 --> 00:10:24,123
Uh...
207
00:10:22,921 --> 00:10:24,123
Okay.
208
00:10:24,156 --> 00:10:25,357
Bye-bye now.
209
00:10:25,390 --> 00:10:26,726
Okay.
210
00:10:29,861 --> 00:10:32,297
Unfortunately, I was
forced to take a job
211
00:10:32,330 --> 00:10:34,333
that was totally humiliating.
212
00:10:34,366 --> 00:10:36,802
I was beginning
to doubt my identity,
213
00:10:36,835 --> 00:10:38,671
my true purpose
in this world,
214
00:10:38,704 --> 00:10:42,141
when suddenly the most
wonderful thing happened.
215
00:10:51,049 --> 00:10:54,752
Whoa. Is it hot in here,
or is it just me?
216
00:10:54,786 --> 00:10:55,954
[chuckling]
217
00:10:55,987 --> 00:10:58,122
This thing
is set at 82 degrees.
218
00:10:58,156 --> 00:11:00,191
Haven't you people ever
heard of sweaters?
219
00:11:02,394 --> 00:11:04,196
Can I help you?
220
00:11:06,131 --> 00:11:09,300
Pat Riley,
Southland Gas Company.
221
00:11:09,334 --> 00:11:10,803
Uhh.
222
00:11:16,141 --> 00:11:17,309
[glass shatters]
223
00:11:17,342 --> 00:11:18,711
This is a disgrace.
224
00:11:18,744 --> 00:11:20,145
Hasn't anybody checked this?
225
00:11:20,178 --> 00:11:22,314
[grunting]
226
00:11:22,347 --> 00:11:23,915
[glass shatters]
227
00:11:23,949 --> 00:11:25,918
Excuse me. Um...
228
00:11:28,286 --> 00:11:29,988
Hello.
229
00:11:30,021 --> 00:11:32,056
Hi.
230
00:11:32,090 --> 00:11:33,358
Hi. I'm Chris.
231
00:11:33,391 --> 00:11:35,861
I'm--
I'm the bartender here.
232
00:11:35,894 --> 00:11:37,730
Hi. I'm Pat. I'm--
233
00:11:37,763 --> 00:11:40,833
I'm your gas management
specialist and advisor.
234
00:11:40,866 --> 00:11:42,134
Oh.
235
00:11:42,167 --> 00:11:44,336
Well, pleased
to meet you...
236
00:11:44,369 --> 00:11:45,938
gorgeous.
237
00:11:45,971 --> 00:11:48,874
The pleasure's all mine...
238
00:11:48,907 --> 00:11:50,176
you.
239
00:11:52,277 --> 00:11:53,412
Ahh!
240
00:12:12,798 --> 00:12:16,769
What's a person like you
doing in a place like this?
241
00:12:16,802 --> 00:12:19,238
You know, I ask myself
that all the time.
242
00:12:19,271 --> 00:12:22,174
I mean, I've got a PhD
in cultural anthropology,
243
00:12:22,207 --> 00:12:24,910
but I just love bartending.
244
00:12:24,943 --> 00:12:27,045
I've been here
for ten years now,
245
00:12:27,078 --> 00:12:29,281
and I've
just heard so many
incredible stories
246
00:12:29,314 --> 00:12:31,349
and met so many
fascinating...
247
00:12:31,383 --> 00:12:33,252
people.
248
00:12:33,285 --> 00:12:36,188
I wish I could find a job
I liked that much.
249
00:12:36,221 --> 00:12:38,457
Uh-huh.
250
00:12:36,221 --> 00:12:38,457
I'm overqualified
for Southland Gas.
251
00:12:38,490 --> 00:12:40,192
I'm already looking
for something else.
252
00:12:40,225 --> 00:12:42,928
I guess you could say
I'm a restless spirit,
253
00:12:42,961 --> 00:12:44,830
a lover, a liver of life.
254
00:12:44,863 --> 00:12:48,434
I'm eternally searching
for something more.
255
00:12:49,935 --> 00:12:51,335
Wow.
256
00:12:51,369 --> 00:12:55,574
I think you and I have
so much in common, Pat.
257
00:12:55,607 --> 00:12:58,177
Pat:
Do you like movies?
258
00:12:58,210 --> 00:13:00,946
Yes. Yes, I do.
I love movies.
259
00:13:00,979 --> 00:13:02,815
Oh, do you know
what I specially love
260
00:13:02,848 --> 00:13:04,282
are good movies.
261
00:13:04,316 --> 00:13:06,518
You're kidding.
I love good movies, too.
262
00:13:06,551 --> 00:13:08,587
Really? Oh.
You know what I hate
263
00:13:08,620 --> 00:13:10,022
are bad boring movies.
264
00:13:10,055 --> 00:13:12,958
Me, too.
We're so alike.
265
00:13:12,991 --> 00:13:14,126
[chuckle]
266
00:13:15,861 --> 00:13:18,130
I think that dinner
is probably one
267
00:13:18,163 --> 00:13:20,465
of my favorite meals
of the day.
268
00:13:20,498 --> 00:13:22,234
Mine, too.
269
00:13:22,267 --> 00:13:24,937
This is downright eerie.
270
00:13:24,970 --> 00:13:27,272
Oh, you want to know
another thing I hate?
271
00:13:27,305 --> 00:13:29,340
Senseless evil.
272
00:13:29,374 --> 00:13:31,076
I'm not even gonna tell you
273
00:13:31,109 --> 00:13:32,945
because
you won't believe it.
274
00:13:32,978 --> 00:13:35,146
[whispering]
Me, too.
275
00:13:37,215 --> 00:13:38,884
Once I got it home,
276
00:13:38,917 --> 00:13:40,619
I realized
I didn't like it.
277
00:13:40,652 --> 00:13:43,522
I mean, who wants
a plaid bath mat anyway?
278
00:13:43,555 --> 00:13:46,024
So I took it back
and exchanged it
279
00:13:46,057 --> 00:13:48,093
for a delicious tan one.
280
00:13:48,126 --> 00:13:51,896
Uh, or brown, really.
[chuckling]
281
00:13:51,930 --> 00:13:53,131
Ohh.
282
00:13:53,164 --> 00:13:56,034
Pat, you've led such
an amazing life.
283
00:13:56,067 --> 00:13:57,970
I find you-- I--
284
00:13:58,003 --> 00:14:00,505
I find everything
about you
285
00:14:00,538 --> 00:14:02,541
endlessly fascinating.
286
00:14:02,574 --> 00:14:04,410
Join the club.
287
00:14:05,977 --> 00:14:08,079
[Pat giggling]
288
00:14:10,282 --> 00:14:13,919
Hey, is that
a big fan of yours?
289
00:14:13,952 --> 00:14:16,055
That's my little joke.
290
00:14:17,589 --> 00:14:19,091
Oh!
291
00:14:25,263 --> 00:14:27,366
Take it easy, hon.
Take it easy.
292
00:14:27,399 --> 00:14:29,434
- Ohh!
- Okay. All right.
293
00:14:29,467 --> 00:14:31,136
Are you all right,
294
00:14:31,169 --> 00:14:33,538
um, uh, you there?
295
00:14:33,571 --> 00:14:34,973
yeah, hon,
did you break anything?
296
00:14:35,006 --> 00:14:37,074
I crushed my nuts.
297
00:14:37,108 --> 00:14:38,443
- Ooh!
- Ooh!
298
00:14:38,476 --> 00:14:39,945
That's got to hurt.
299
00:14:39,978 --> 00:14:42,046
Oh, shoot.
300
00:14:42,080 --> 00:14:44,950
There goes my afternoon snack.
301
00:14:44,983 --> 00:14:46,952
Chris: I know.
302
00:14:46,985 --> 00:14:48,320
[clatter]
303
00:14:48,353 --> 00:14:49,988
Who are you?
304
00:14:50,021 --> 00:14:52,991
Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm Kyle Jacobs,
305
00:14:53,024 --> 00:14:56,261
and this is my beautiful
wife Stacy.
306
00:14:56,294 --> 00:14:57,462
Hi.
307
00:14:57,495 --> 00:14:59,231
We just moved
into apartment 2F.
308
00:15:01,466 --> 00:15:03,302
I'm Chris. Hi.
309
00:15:03,335 --> 00:15:06,338
And this is Pat. Pat lives
across the way from you in 2B.
310
00:15:06,371 --> 00:15:09,074
2B or not 2B,
that is my apartment.
311
00:15:09,107 --> 00:15:11,076
Oh, boy.
312
00:15:11,109 --> 00:15:12,978
Oh, wow.
Come on, let's go.
313
00:15:13,011 --> 00:15:14,179
Okay.
314
00:15:14,212 --> 00:15:15,948
Stacy: Bye-bye.
315
00:15:17,282 --> 00:15:18,650
Strange couple.
316
00:15:18,683 --> 00:15:21,586
You know,
you can't really tell.
317
00:15:21,619 --> 00:15:23,088
It's peculiar.
318
00:15:23,121 --> 00:15:24,389
Yeah, it's peculiar,
319
00:15:24,422 --> 00:15:27,592
yet wondrously provocative.
320
00:15:27,625 --> 00:15:29,194
[scoff]
321
00:15:29,227 --> 00:15:30,495
Kyle!
322
00:15:30,528 --> 00:15:31,730
What?
323
00:15:31,763 --> 00:15:33,565
Guy.
324
00:15:33,598 --> 00:15:36,068
Save that filth
for the bedroom.
325
00:15:37,769 --> 00:15:40,205
[Pat, Chris moaning]
326
00:15:42,273 --> 00:15:43,742
Both: Will you marry me?
327
00:15:43,775 --> 00:15:45,477
Both: Yes.
328
00:15:45,510 --> 00:15:46,712
[laughing]
329
00:15:46,745 --> 00:15:48,113
- Ahh.
- Uhh.
330
00:15:48,146 --> 00:15:49,548
You know something?
331
00:15:51,316 --> 00:15:53,652
I love to stroke
your pussy, Pat.
332
00:15:53,685 --> 00:15:55,087
I know.
333
00:15:55,120 --> 00:15:57,089
Muffy likes it, too.
334
00:15:57,122 --> 00:15:58,257
[meow]
335
00:16:07,165 --> 00:16:09,334
Hi, sunshine boy.
336
00:16:09,367 --> 00:16:10,736
I am going
to the grocery store.
337
00:16:10,769 --> 00:16:12,170
Can I get you anything?
338
00:16:12,203 --> 00:16:13,405
No. Thanks.
339
00:16:13,438 --> 00:16:14,606
Okay.
340
00:16:14,639 --> 00:16:16,375
- Nuts.
- Hmm?
341
00:16:16,408 --> 00:16:18,543
Uh, maybe some nuts.
342
00:16:18,576 --> 00:16:21,213
I've been having this weird
craving for nuts lately, okay?
343
00:16:21,246 --> 00:16:24,116
Okay. Nuts it is.
344
00:16:24,149 --> 00:16:26,518
Oh. By the way, I was just
down in the laundry room,
345
00:16:26,551 --> 00:16:29,054
and I saw our weird
new neighbor Pat.
346
00:16:29,087 --> 00:16:31,156
What's Pat's laundry like?
347
00:16:31,189 --> 00:16:33,324
I don't know what Pat's
laundry is like.
348
00:16:33,358 --> 00:16:34,626
It's not like I go around
349
00:16:34,659 --> 00:16:36,194
looking at people's
dirty laundry.
350
00:16:37,629 --> 00:16:40,699
What? There was, you know,
bras, panties,
351
00:16:40,732 --> 00:16:42,401
boxer shorts, jock straps.
352
00:16:42,434 --> 00:16:44,603
Well, Pat was doing
laundry with Chris.
353
00:16:44,636 --> 00:16:46,271
They're engaged.
354
00:16:46,304 --> 00:16:49,108
And we're invited
to the engagement party.
355
00:16:51,176 --> 00:16:52,677
Great.
356
00:16:52,710 --> 00:16:55,280
Okay. Well, listen,
I got to go.
357
00:16:55,313 --> 00:16:57,182
Mmm.
358
00:16:57,215 --> 00:16:58,450
Bye.
359
00:17:07,291 --> 00:17:09,694
Kyle:
Pat, Pat, Pat.
360
00:17:09,727 --> 00:17:11,063
- Ooh!
- [glass breaks]
361
00:17:13,164 --> 00:17:16,201
What's in a name like Pat?
362
00:17:16,233 --> 00:17:18,736
One afternoon,
Chris surprised me
363
00:17:18,770 --> 00:17:20,271
by putting a new spin
on our relationship.
364
00:17:20,305 --> 00:17:22,074
[snoring]
365
00:17:22,107 --> 00:17:24,475
I thought we were so
clearly defined as a couple.
366
00:17:24,509 --> 00:17:27,312
Had we fallen into a certain
kind of role playing
367
00:17:27,345 --> 00:17:29,281
from which we could
never recover?
368
00:17:29,314 --> 00:17:30,482
[snoring]
369
00:17:30,515 --> 00:17:31,683
[chuckling]
370
00:17:31,716 --> 00:17:34,619
What an exquisitely lazy day.
371
00:17:34,652 --> 00:17:35,821
Yeah.
372
00:17:35,854 --> 00:17:37,322
Well, you know,
it's Thursday.
373
00:17:37,355 --> 00:17:38,590
You know, my day off.
374
00:17:38,623 --> 00:17:40,125
Uh-huh.
375
00:17:40,158 --> 00:17:43,395
So I guess you've got
the day off, too, huh?
376
00:17:43,428 --> 00:17:45,297
Yeah. I got fired
377
00:17:45,330 --> 00:17:48,567
from that security guard job
down at the La Brea Tar Pits.
378
00:17:48,600 --> 00:17:50,468
Those woolly mammoths
aren't kidding.
379
00:17:50,502 --> 00:17:52,736
Once you get stuck in the tar,
you never get out.
380
00:17:52,770 --> 00:17:54,206
Uh-huh. Yeah.
381
00:17:54,239 --> 00:17:55,440
Uh...
382
00:17:55,473 --> 00:17:57,476
gee, Pat, you know, I--
383
00:17:57,509 --> 00:17:59,244
I can't believe
you lost another job.
384
00:17:59,277 --> 00:18:00,445
I just--
385
00:18:00,478 --> 00:18:02,180
Oh, come on.
386
00:18:02,213 --> 00:18:03,748
I work like a dog.
387
00:18:03,781 --> 00:18:05,716
I had 23 jobs
last year.
388
00:18:05,750 --> 00:18:07,385
How many did you have?
389
00:18:07,418 --> 00:18:08,786
Just the one.
390
00:18:08,820 --> 00:18:12,691
Then I'd hardly call you
a big job expert.
391
00:18:12,724 --> 00:18:15,461
Pat, I think there's
something you should read.
392
00:18:16,628 --> 00:18:19,231
Uh, in this magazine,
393
00:18:19,264 --> 00:18:21,399
uh, they have a new study,
394
00:18:21,432 --> 00:18:24,202
and they found that if you
don't have a satisfying career
395
00:18:24,235 --> 00:18:25,837
by the time you're
in your early thirties,
396
00:18:25,870 --> 00:18:28,173
which you are, Pat,
397
00:18:28,206 --> 00:18:29,875
then you'll probably
never achieve
398
00:18:29,908 --> 00:18:32,343
any sort of real happiness,
your marriage will fail,
399
00:18:32,377 --> 00:18:34,279
and your chances
of finding a good job
400
00:18:34,312 --> 00:18:35,813
are, uh, about as likely
as your chances
401
00:18:35,847 --> 00:18:37,482
of being
struck by lightning.
402
00:18:37,515 --> 00:18:39,484
Well, actually,
being struck by lightning
403
00:18:39,517 --> 00:18:41,153
is more common than you think.
404
00:18:41,186 --> 00:18:42,888
I've been struck three times.
405
00:18:45,456 --> 00:18:47,859
Pat, I think you might
be missing the point.
406
00:18:47,892 --> 00:18:49,427
Uh...
407
00:18:49,460 --> 00:18:52,397
the point is, Pat,
408
00:18:52,430 --> 00:18:54,699
that, um, if you can't
commit to a job,
409
00:18:54,732 --> 00:18:56,468
then how can I
possibly expect you
410
00:18:56,501 --> 00:18:58,370
to commit to, you know,
say, a marriage?
411
00:18:58,403 --> 00:19:01,240
Ouch. Point taken.
412
00:19:06,377 --> 00:19:08,947
You're right, I should
try even harder.
413
00:19:08,980 --> 00:19:11,183
No, no. I, uh,
414
00:19:11,216 --> 00:19:12,417
I shouldn't
have said anything.
415
00:19:12,450 --> 00:19:13,652
I shouldn't meddle.
416
00:19:13,685 --> 00:19:14,953
No, that's good, come on.
417
00:19:14,986 --> 00:19:16,354
No, no, I should--
418
00:19:16,387 --> 00:19:17,589
This is a relationship.
419
00:19:17,622 --> 00:19:19,391
You should talk.
420
00:19:19,424 --> 00:19:21,293
Oh, Pat.
421
00:19:21,326 --> 00:19:23,662
Come on. It's
a beautiful sunny day.
422
00:19:23,695 --> 00:19:25,730
What do you say
we get up off our butts
423
00:19:25,763 --> 00:19:27,599
and go do something?
424
00:19:27,632 --> 00:19:29,501
Oh, do you want to go
for a hike?
425
00:19:29,534 --> 00:19:32,237
No. I know. Let's go
to the Burger Bag
426
00:19:32,270 --> 00:19:33,705
and get some fries.
427
00:19:33,738 --> 00:19:35,373
Okay, that's good. Yeah.
428
00:19:35,406 --> 00:19:36,774
- Come on.
- Let's do that. Okay.
429
00:19:39,410 --> 00:19:40,546
[giggling]
430
00:19:46,517 --> 00:19:53,692
Wednesday, August 2,
11:05 p.m.
431
00:19:53,725 --> 00:19:56,360
Pat reads People magazine,
432
00:19:56,394 --> 00:19:59,397
watches "America's
Most Wanted,"
433
00:19:59,430 --> 00:20:02,935
writes in the computer.
434
00:20:09,407 --> 00:20:14,012
What a strange combination
of attraction and repulsion
435
00:20:14,045 --> 00:20:16,481
that I feel
for my neighbor Pat.
436
00:20:16,514 --> 00:20:19,016
I don't even know if Pat
is a man or a woman.
437
00:20:19,050 --> 00:20:21,853
Such a Sphinx-like riddle
438
00:20:21,886 --> 00:20:24,623
posed by the very
existence of Pat.
439
00:20:25,957 --> 00:20:28,827
Stacy:
Kyle? What are you
doing in there?
440
00:20:28,860 --> 00:20:30,861
Uh, nothing, honey.
441
00:20:30,895 --> 00:20:32,397
I'll be out in a minute.
442
00:20:32,430 --> 00:20:33,966
Okay.
443
00:20:35,667 --> 00:20:37,401
[water running]
444
00:20:40,038 --> 00:20:41,773
Uh-huh.
445
00:20:41,806 --> 00:20:44,509
[humming]
446
00:20:44,542 --> 00:20:46,410
Oh, my God,
this is it.
447
00:20:44,542 --> 00:20:46,410
Ahh!
448
00:20:47,712 --> 00:20:49,581
11:07.
449
00:20:49,614 --> 00:20:50,749
Urination.
450
00:21:06,097 --> 00:21:08,066
You never get through
a carton of O.J.
451
00:21:08,099 --> 00:21:09,501
before it expires.
452
00:21:09,534 --> 00:21:11,336
Yeah. Me, either.
453
00:21:11,369 --> 00:21:13,038
What's up, Kyle?
454
00:21:13,071 --> 00:21:16,573
Oh, I just wanted to show you
my new video camera here.
455
00:21:16,607 --> 00:21:17,976
Here-- Here's my new
video camera.
456
00:21:18,009 --> 00:21:19,444
- Uh-huh.
- I just got it.
457
00:21:19,477 --> 00:21:22,580
I could videotape
your honeymoon.
458
00:21:22,613 --> 00:21:25,583
I mean your
engagement party.
459
00:21:25,616 --> 00:21:27,386
Oh That'd be great.
460
00:21:28,453 --> 00:21:29,620
[chatter]
461
00:21:29,654 --> 00:21:30,855
♪ [dance]
462
00:21:30,888 --> 00:21:32,024
It's good to go.
463
00:21:35,493 --> 00:21:37,361
Hey, I've lived in the same
building with Pat
464
00:21:37,395 --> 00:21:38,997
for seven years.
I still have no idea.
465
00:21:39,030 --> 00:21:40,498
Yeah. That's why I came.
466
00:21:40,531 --> 00:21:41,866
I thought maybe
this Chris person
467
00:21:41,899 --> 00:21:43,735
would give us
some kind of a clue.
468
00:21:43,768 --> 00:21:45,837
I thought I'd find out
about Chris when I met Pat.
469
00:21:45,870 --> 00:21:47,339
Look at it this way,
honey:
470
00:21:47,372 --> 00:21:48,740
they're lucky to have
found each other.
471
00:21:48,773 --> 00:21:50,408
I guess there's
someone for everybody.
472
00:21:54,712 --> 00:21:56,014
Hi!
473
00:22:00,485 --> 00:22:01,687
[giggling]
474
00:22:05,390 --> 00:22:06,725
Hey, you two.
475
00:22:06,758 --> 00:22:08,760
Here's a present
we got for you.
476
00:22:08,793 --> 00:22:11,062
Oh, looky what we got.
Attention, everybody!
477
00:22:11,095 --> 00:22:12,597
We got as present!
478
00:22:12,630 --> 00:22:13,798
[chuckling]
479
00:22:13,831 --> 00:22:14,966
Let's open it.
480
00:22:18,536 --> 00:22:20,105
- Oh!
- Oh!
481
00:22:20,138 --> 00:22:23,507
both:
This is something
we'll both enjoy.
482
00:22:23,541 --> 00:22:24,810
[laughing]
483
00:22:26,611 --> 00:22:28,513
Here, open mine.
484
00:22:28,546 --> 00:22:29,748
Ohh!
485
00:22:29,781 --> 00:22:31,483
I should get married
more often!
486
00:22:31,516 --> 00:22:32,884
Not if I can help it.
487
00:22:35,853 --> 00:22:37,522
- Ohh!
- Ohh!
488
00:22:37,555 --> 00:22:40,759
Now Chris will leave
my towels alone.
489
00:22:40,792 --> 00:22:42,526
Oh, you,
you're incorrigible.
490
00:22:42,560 --> 00:22:44,162
That's what you love
about me.
491
00:22:44,195 --> 00:22:45,562
It's true.
492
00:22:45,596 --> 00:22:46,998
You know
what I always say:
493
00:22:47,031 --> 00:22:49,400
we're made for each other.
[sputter]
494
00:22:49,434 --> 00:22:50,668
Eww.
495
00:22:51,903 --> 00:22:53,038
Oh, Pat.
496
00:22:55,573 --> 00:22:57,876
So, um, are you going
to change your name?
497
00:22:57,909 --> 00:22:59,844
- Which one are you asking?
- Either.
498
00:22:59,877 --> 00:23:01,446
No, no, no.
Pat and I don't believe
499
00:23:01,479 --> 00:23:02,647
in that kind of
sexist tradition.
500
00:23:02,680 --> 00:23:03,948
Do we, hon?
501
00:23:03,981 --> 00:23:05,150
Ohh.
502
00:23:05,183 --> 00:23:06,584
But wouldn't it
be so romantic
503
00:23:06,617 --> 00:23:07,786
to have the same last name?
504
00:23:07,819 --> 00:23:09,988
Oh, gee, I don't know.
505
00:23:10,021 --> 00:23:11,589
What do you think?
Think we should?
506
00:23:11,622 --> 00:23:13,591
- I don't know. Do you?
- It's up to you.
507
00:23:13,624 --> 00:23:14,959
It's kind of your
decision.
508
00:23:14,992 --> 00:23:16,995
I really think
you should decide.
509
00:23:17,028 --> 00:23:19,764
Okay. I think this
is a conversation
510
00:23:19,797 --> 00:23:22,567
we should be having
at home.
511
00:23:22,600 --> 00:23:24,101
Do it now.
512
00:23:24,135 --> 00:23:25,504
[chatter]
513
00:23:29,040 --> 00:23:31,710
Okay, everybody,
we've got a little show.
514
00:23:33,177 --> 00:23:34,579
Uh, attention, everybody!
515
00:23:34,612 --> 00:23:36,748
This is my engagement party!
516
00:23:36,781 --> 00:23:38,183
[slurp]
517
00:23:38,216 --> 00:23:42,053
And now Chris and I
would like
518
00:23:42,086 --> 00:23:44,789
to sing a song for you.
[chuckling]
519
00:23:44,822 --> 00:23:45,989
We would?
520
00:23:46,023 --> 00:23:48,459
Yes, sir, the magic
of karaoke.
521
00:23:48,493 --> 00:23:49,660
Hit it!
522
00:23:49,694 --> 00:23:51,029
Pat--
523
00:23:51,062 --> 00:23:52,563
[whispering]
I'll lead and you follow.
524
00:23:52,597 --> 00:23:54,499
[music starts]
525
00:23:54,532 --> 00:24:01,606
♪ Everybody
loves somebody sometime ♪
526
00:24:01,639 --> 00:24:07,044
♪ Everybody
falls in love somehow ♪
527
00:24:07,078 --> 00:24:12,484
♪ Something in your kiss
just told me ♪
528
00:24:12,517 --> 00:24:14,919
♪ My sometime ♪
529
00:24:14,952 --> 00:24:16,120
Kyle?
530
00:24:16,153 --> 00:24:18,990
♪ Is now ♪
531
00:24:19,023 --> 00:24:22,494
People, you're talking again!
532
00:24:22,527 --> 00:24:24,028
♪ [rock beat]
533
00:24:24,061 --> 00:24:26,630
♪ Dude looks like a lady ♪
534
00:24:26,664 --> 00:24:27,899
♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
535
00:24:27,932 --> 00:24:30,201
♪ Dude looks like a lady ♪
536
00:24:30,234 --> 00:24:31,936
♪ Uhh ♪
537
00:24:31,969 --> 00:24:34,072
♪ Dude looks like a lady ♪
538
00:24:34,105 --> 00:24:35,573
♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
539
00:24:35,606 --> 00:24:38,142
♪ Dude looks like a lady ♪
540
00:24:38,175 --> 00:24:39,844
♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
541
00:24:39,877 --> 00:24:42,614
♪ Dude looks like a lady ♪
542
00:24:43,848 --> 00:24:45,683
♪ Oh, yeah... ♪
543
00:24:45,716 --> 00:24:47,252
- Honey?
- What?
544
00:24:47,285 --> 00:24:49,020
Don't you think
you've had enough?
545
00:24:49,053 --> 00:24:51,189
No, I don't. I don't
think I'll ever have enough.
546
00:24:51,222 --> 00:24:55,827
Kyle, you have been
so strangely lately,
547
00:24:55,860 --> 00:24:58,062
ever since we moved
into this building.
548
00:24:58,095 --> 00:25:00,932
Ever since we moved
here with Pat.
549
00:25:02,166 --> 00:25:03,768
What are you talking about?
550
00:25:03,801 --> 00:25:06,638
Stacy, that is a neighbor,
551
00:25:06,671 --> 00:25:09,974
a person that lives
in the building, that's all.
552
00:25:10,007 --> 00:25:12,710
Yeah, well, why are you
so obsessed with him?
553
00:25:12,743 --> 00:25:15,280
Her? It?
554
00:25:15,313 --> 00:25:16,714
Obsessed?
555
00:25:16,747 --> 00:25:18,116
Yes.
556
00:25:18,149 --> 00:25:19,918
I think it's ruining
our life together.
557
00:25:19,951 --> 00:25:21,119
Mmm.
558
00:25:21,152 --> 00:25:23,121
Wouldn't that be wonderful
559
00:25:23,154 --> 00:25:24,956
if all the problems
of our relationship
560
00:25:24,989 --> 00:25:27,792
could be boiled down
to one pat answer.
561
00:25:29,827 --> 00:25:31,263
There you go again.
562
00:25:32,763 --> 00:25:35,198
An androgyne
has come between us.
563
00:25:35,232 --> 00:25:37,668
You know, it's weird.
564
00:25:37,702 --> 00:25:38,837
It's almost as if--
565
00:25:40,838 --> 00:25:42,307
as if--
566
00:25:43,941 --> 00:25:45,877
Oh, God.
567
00:25:45,910 --> 00:25:48,079
You're in love with Pat,
aren't you?
568
00:25:48,112 --> 00:25:51,616
Whoa.
What are you, insane?
569
00:25:51,649 --> 00:25:53,717
Stacy, that's the most
ridiculous thing
570
00:25:53,751 --> 00:25:55,286
- I've ever heard.
- God!
571
00:25:55,319 --> 00:25:57,355
[sobbing]
572
00:25:57,388 --> 00:25:58,755
[door closes]
573
00:25:58,789 --> 00:25:59,958
Ohh...
574
00:25:59,991 --> 00:26:01,158
[sobbing]
575
00:26:01,192 --> 00:26:02,594
Love.
576
00:26:02,627 --> 00:26:04,596
What's love
got to do with this
577
00:26:04,629 --> 00:26:08,099
when you love something
you don't understand?
578
00:26:08,132 --> 00:26:11,169
Dear Diary: My performance
at the engagement party
579
00:26:11,202 --> 00:26:14,138
was a triumph. I know that
I've found my true calling.
580
00:26:14,171 --> 00:26:15,340
I'm an artist.
581
00:26:15,373 --> 00:26:16,741
Kyle: Ding-dong.
582
00:26:16,774 --> 00:26:17,941
Am I interrupting anything?
583
00:26:17,975 --> 00:26:19,944
Oh, no,
just keeping a record
584
00:26:19,977 --> 00:26:21,646
of my innermost
thoughts and feelings
585
00:26:21,679 --> 00:26:23,348
right here
in my laptop diary.
586
00:26:23,381 --> 00:26:25,617
Really? What kind of stuff
do you put in here?
587
00:26:25,650 --> 00:26:29,721
Oh, just anything
anyone could conceivably
want to know about me.
588
00:26:29,754 --> 00:26:33,123
Wow. I know people who would
give anything to read this.
589
00:26:33,157 --> 00:26:35,659
No way, José.
This is raw, uncensored,
590
00:26:35,693 --> 00:26:37,662
and completely personal data.
591
00:26:37,695 --> 00:26:39,630
Do tell.
592
00:26:39,664 --> 00:26:40,831
So...
593
00:26:42,800 --> 00:26:45,370
Oh, whoa, Pat.
594
00:26:45,403 --> 00:26:47,872
Is that a banana
in your pocket,
595
00:26:47,905 --> 00:26:50,708
or are you just happy
to see me?
596
00:26:50,741 --> 00:26:52,777
No, it's a banana.
597
00:26:52,810 --> 00:26:54,012
If you're hungry,
get your own.
598
00:26:54,045 --> 00:26:55,213
This is my snack.
599
00:26:55,246 --> 00:26:57,015
Fine, fine.
600
00:26:57,048 --> 00:26:59,183
Oh, Pat, listen,
I've got great news.
601
00:26:59,216 --> 00:27:02,219
You were so incredible
602
00:27:02,253 --> 00:27:03,721
the other night
at the karaoke bar
603
00:27:03,754 --> 00:27:06,057
that I sent my videotape
of your performance
604
00:27:06,090 --> 00:27:07,792
to one of those
home video TV shows,
605
00:27:07,825 --> 00:27:10,261
and they want to put you
on the air.
606
00:27:10,294 --> 00:27:12,196
Oh, that's great!
607
00:27:12,229 --> 00:27:14,098
All you have to do is
sign this release form.
608
00:27:14,131 --> 00:27:15,366
- Okay?
- Ohh!
609
00:27:15,399 --> 00:27:17,401
All right.
610
00:27:17,435 --> 00:27:18,870
Name.
611
00:27:18,903 --> 00:27:20,171
Okay.
612
00:27:20,204 --> 00:27:22,340
And this-- right there,
the "Sex" part.
613
00:27:22,373 --> 00:27:24,008
No, no problem.
614
00:27:24,041 --> 00:27:25,743
That's my joke.
615
00:27:25,776 --> 00:27:28,112
That's very funny, Pat.
Very funny.
616
00:27:28,145 --> 00:27:31,382
Uh, do you have
a driver's license?
617
00:27:31,415 --> 00:27:33,317
Uh-huh. Mm-hmm.
618
00:27:33,350 --> 00:27:35,086
Good.
619
00:27:35,119 --> 00:27:38,121
A dog got at it, but you can
still read the number.
620
00:27:38,155 --> 00:27:39,824
That's all they need.
621
00:27:39,857 --> 00:27:42,460
Yeah. Uh, do you have
a birth certificate?
622
00:27:42,493 --> 00:27:44,861
Uh, yes, I do, sir.
623
00:27:44,895 --> 00:27:46,264
Good,
good, good, good.
624
00:27:49,233 --> 00:27:51,168
Middlesex, New Jersey.
625
00:27:51,202 --> 00:27:53,838
The rest I can't make out.
626
00:27:53,871 --> 00:27:56,007
I know. Um...
627
00:27:56,040 --> 00:27:58,209
do you have a photo
of you in the nude?
628
00:27:58,242 --> 00:27:59,476
What?
629
00:27:59,510 --> 00:28:01,045
I don't know why.
630
00:28:01,078 --> 00:28:02,413
But apparently
it's something to do
631
00:28:02,446 --> 00:28:05,416
with, like, uh,
requirements to be on TV.
632
00:28:05,449 --> 00:28:07,752
They needed a photo
of you in the nude,
633
00:28:07,785 --> 00:28:09,253
kind of, you know,
totally...
634
00:28:09,286 --> 00:28:10,988
I haven't had one
taken of me recently.
635
00:28:11,021 --> 00:28:12,790
Well,
I think any photo--
636
00:28:12,823 --> 00:28:14,892
They said any photo
in the nude would do.
637
00:28:14,925 --> 00:28:16,293
- I remember that now.
- I do have one.
638
00:28:16,327 --> 00:28:17,462
Good.
639
00:28:19,163 --> 00:28:21,132
I have to get this back.
It's kind of an heirloom.
640
00:28:21,165 --> 00:28:22,367
Just give it to me, Pat.
641
00:28:25,836 --> 00:28:27,839
That's...useless.
642
00:28:27,872 --> 00:28:29,440
When am I going to be on TV?
643
00:28:29,473 --> 00:28:33,043
[phone rings]
644
00:28:33,077 --> 00:28:36,247
Hey, I'm gonna be on TV!
645
00:28:36,280 --> 00:28:38,916
Hi. Did I tell you
I was going to be on TV?
646
00:28:38,949 --> 00:28:40,351
Oh, I did, huh?
647
00:28:40,384 --> 00:28:41,720
Okay, bye.
648
00:28:47,324 --> 00:28:48,893
Howdy, Tippy.
649
00:28:48,926 --> 00:28:50,428
Boy, do I have
something to tell you.
650
00:28:50,461 --> 00:28:51,896
What, Pat?
What do you want?
651
00:28:51,929 --> 00:28:54,332
I'm going to be on TV.
652
00:28:54,365 --> 00:28:56,167
Oh, dear God.
653
00:28:56,200 --> 00:28:57,368
Well...
654
00:28:57,401 --> 00:29:00,004
[gurgling]
655
00:29:01,939 --> 00:29:03,441
Thursday night at 9.
656
00:29:05,176 --> 00:29:07,311
Thursday night at 9,
Channel 12--
657
00:29:07,344 --> 00:29:08,780
[gurgling]
658
00:29:10,114 --> 00:29:12,416
Guess what, Kathy.
I'm gonna be on TV.
659
00:29:12,449 --> 00:29:14,018
Who's there?
660
00:29:14,051 --> 00:29:15,820
Who do you think?
661
00:29:17,121 --> 00:29:18,289
Hey, you know what?
662
00:29:18,322 --> 00:29:20,123
My key works
in your door, too.
663
00:29:20,157 --> 00:29:21,793
Isn't that great?
664
00:29:21,826 --> 00:29:24,228
Tonight's the night
of my big broadcast.
665
00:29:24,261 --> 00:29:26,330
I'm on the verge
of superstardom.
666
00:29:26,363 --> 00:29:30,935
Should I buy a house in Malibu
or the Hollywood Hills?
667
00:29:30,968 --> 00:29:33,571
I don't know, but I sure
wish you'd buy a new car.
668
00:29:33,604 --> 00:29:36,073
I mean, this driver's ed
car is ridiculous.
669
00:29:36,106 --> 00:29:39,043
Was it ridiculous
to spend only $500
670
00:29:39,076 --> 00:29:40,912
at the Pine Cone High
Rummage Sale?
671
00:29:40,945 --> 00:29:42,847
I don't think so.
672
00:29:42,880 --> 00:29:45,249
What's eating you?
673
00:29:45,282 --> 00:29:47,585
I'm just worried
you're getting
a little carried away,
674
00:29:47,618 --> 00:29:49,854
that's all. I want you
to try and remember
675
00:29:49,887 --> 00:29:51,289
this is
just a short segment
676
00:29:51,322 --> 00:29:53,858
on one of those silly
home video shows, okay?
677
00:29:53,891 --> 00:29:56,928
You're jealous that I found
such a fulfilling career.
678
00:29:56,961 --> 00:29:58,396
I am not jealous.
679
00:29:58,429 --> 00:30:00,998
I'm sorry I put
a positive spin on things.
680
00:30:01,031 --> 00:30:03,234
Maybe I should be
gloomier, like you.
681
00:30:03,267 --> 00:30:06,137
I happen to be very proud
that you're going to be on TV.
682
00:30:06,170 --> 00:30:08,005
I just want you
to be realistic.
683
00:30:08,038 --> 00:30:09,507
I mean,
this isn't necessarily
going to pan out
684
00:30:09,540 --> 00:30:10,908
into a career, you know.
685
00:30:10,941 --> 00:30:12,109
That's
exactly what you said
686
00:30:12,142 --> 00:30:13,578
when I wanted to be
a brain surgeon.
687
00:30:13,611 --> 00:30:14,979
Oh. And?
688
00:30:15,012 --> 00:30:16,214
How was I supposed to know
689
00:30:16,247 --> 00:30:17,882
you needed 12 years
of medical school?
690
00:30:17,915 --> 00:30:19,149
What a scam.
691
00:30:20,584 --> 00:30:22,119
I'm going the back way.
692
00:30:22,152 --> 00:30:23,855
Pat, we should
go straight.
693
00:30:23,888 --> 00:30:25,590
[arguing]
694
00:30:28,459 --> 00:30:30,161
For once, would you
not argue with me?
695
00:30:30,194 --> 00:30:33,197
Pat, you are impossible
to deal with
696
00:30:33,230 --> 00:30:34,465
when you're like this.
697
00:30:34,498 --> 00:30:36,568
You're like a child.
698
00:30:41,472 --> 00:30:44,341
Tonight at 9, Channel 12!
699
00:30:47,311 --> 00:30:49,513
Announcer on TV:
Now here she is,
your hostess,
700
00:30:49,546 --> 00:30:52,550
- Arleen Sorkin
- [applause]
701
00:30:52,583 --> 00:30:55,453
Welcome back to America's
Creepiest People,
702
00:30:55,486 --> 00:30:57,021
the show that allows us
703
00:30:57,054 --> 00:30:58,656
to feel a little bit
better about ourselves
704
00:30:58,689 --> 00:31:01,225
by giving us
the opportunity to laugh
705
00:31:01,258 --> 00:31:03,060
at those who are
less fortunate.
706
00:31:03,093 --> 00:31:05,463
What you are about
to know is...
707
00:31:05,496 --> 00:31:07,431
Now the whole world will know
708
00:31:07,464 --> 00:31:10,033
the splendor that is Pat.
709
00:31:10,067 --> 00:31:12,303
For this next segment,
we recommend
710
00:31:12,336 --> 00:31:13,938
viewer discretion.
711
00:31:13,971 --> 00:31:15,406
If you have small children,
712
00:31:15,439 --> 00:31:18,476
you may want them
to leave the room.
713
00:31:18,509 --> 00:31:20,544
♪ Uh, freak out ♪
714
00:31:20,577 --> 00:31:23,014
♪ Le freak, le chic ♪
715
00:31:23,047 --> 00:31:24,415
♪ Freak out ♪
716
00:31:24,448 --> 00:31:26,217
Mmm.
717
00:31:26,250 --> 00:31:28,019
♪ Aw, freak out ♪
718
00:31:28,052 --> 00:31:30,454
Kyle, are you all right?
719
00:31:30,487 --> 00:31:32,023
♪ Freak out ♪
720
00:31:32,056 --> 00:31:34,459
I'm fine. Uh, no problem.
721
00:31:36,026 --> 00:31:37,395
It's just that you've
been in there
722
00:31:37,428 --> 00:31:39,030
for three days.
723
00:31:39,063 --> 00:31:41,032
I need time to think.
724
00:31:42,299 --> 00:31:45,102
Fine. I'm going out.
725
00:31:45,135 --> 00:31:47,438
♪ Le freak, c'est chic ♪
726
00:31:47,471 --> 00:31:48,907
Ohh.
727
00:31:52,977 --> 00:31:54,612
Where's that stupid remote?
728
00:31:54,645 --> 00:31:56,047
Ohh!
729
00:32:01,018 --> 00:32:02,153
Oh!
730
00:32:04,054 --> 00:32:06,590
♪ It surely can be done ♪
731
00:32:06,623 --> 00:32:11,062
♪ Young and old
are doin' it, I'm told ♪
732
00:32:11,095 --> 00:32:14,665
♪Just one try,
and you too will be sold ♪
733
00:32:14,698 --> 00:32:16,334
♪ It's called The Freak ♪
734
00:32:16,367 --> 00:32:18,002
♪ And they're doing it
night and day ♪
735
00:32:18,035 --> 00:32:19,470
[laughter]
736
00:32:19,503 --> 00:32:21,205
♪ Allow me,
I'll show you the way ♪
737
00:32:21,238 --> 00:32:25,042
♪ Aww, freak out ♪
738
00:32:25,075 --> 00:32:26,644
♪ Le freak, c'est chic ♪
739
00:32:26,677 --> 00:32:28,111
Freak out!
740
00:32:30,047 --> 00:32:31,549
♪ Aw, freak out ♪
741
00:32:33,183 --> 00:32:35,019
♪ Le freak,
c'est chic ♪
742
00:32:35,052 --> 00:32:36,286
♪ Freak out ♪
743
00:32:36,320 --> 00:32:37,655
See what I mean?
744
00:32:37,688 --> 00:32:39,457
Pretty creepy, huh?
745
00:32:39,490 --> 00:32:41,025
Creepy?
746
00:32:41,058 --> 00:32:43,260
Well, I think that was
sort of magnificent...
747
00:32:43,293 --> 00:32:48,198
in that uniquely
Pat-like way of Pat's.
748
00:32:48,232 --> 00:32:51,769
Oh, who can unravel
the enigma of Pat?
749
00:32:51,802 --> 00:32:54,472
To answer that question,
we have with us today
750
00:32:54,505 --> 00:32:57,675
Camille Paglia, author
of the bestselling book
751
00:32:57,708 --> 00:32:59,243
Sexual Persona.
752
00:32:59,276 --> 00:33:00,745
[applause]
753
00:33:00,778 --> 00:33:03,414
So what do you make
of this Pat person
754
00:33:03,447 --> 00:33:05,116
we've just seen?
755
00:33:05,149 --> 00:33:06,350
Well, Arleen,
I am stunned
756
00:33:06,383 --> 00:33:07,752
by the Pat phenomenon.
757
00:33:07,785 --> 00:33:09,587
Pat symbolizes,
crystalizes,
758
00:33:09,620 --> 00:33:11,789
explodes the sexual
ambiguities
759
00:33:11,822 --> 00:33:13,189
of the 20th century.
760
00:33:13,223 --> 00:33:14,425
[applause]
761
00:33:14,458 --> 00:33:15,626
Thank you for that
762
00:33:15,659 --> 00:33:17,695
illuminating
analysis, Camille.
763
00:33:17,728 --> 00:33:19,663
[TV off]
764
00:33:19,696 --> 00:33:22,600
Pat, Pat, Pat.
765
00:33:22,633 --> 00:33:26,571
Would a Pat by any other name
smell as sweet?
766
00:33:29,173 --> 00:33:30,674
What if Stacy's right?
767
00:33:30,707 --> 00:33:32,643
Could this be love?
768
00:33:32,676 --> 00:33:35,713
If so, what kind of love?
769
00:33:35,746 --> 00:33:39,617
How to account for these
peculiar passions of mine?
770
00:33:39,650 --> 00:33:41,385
Howdy, Kyle!
771
00:33:41,418 --> 00:33:42,553
Pat!
772
00:33:43,754 --> 00:33:45,255
Was that great or what?
773
00:33:45,289 --> 00:33:46,624
Oh, you were fantastic.
774
00:33:46,657 --> 00:33:48,158
Please,
come in, come in.
775
00:33:48,192 --> 00:33:49,360
All right.
776
00:33:49,393 --> 00:33:50,561
Make yourself
comfortable.
777
00:33:50,594 --> 00:33:51,829
Don't mind if I do.
778
00:33:51,862 --> 00:33:56,100
Make yourself
very comfortable, Pat.
779
00:33:56,133 --> 00:33:59,437
You know, Pat,
seeing you on television
780
00:33:59,470 --> 00:34:01,605
was-- I mean, I was--
781
00:34:01,638 --> 00:34:03,139
you were-- my God.
782
00:34:03,173 --> 00:34:04,809
I was kind of
a spectacle.
783
00:34:06,510 --> 00:34:09,447
Spectacular
is more the word, Pat.
784
00:34:09,480 --> 00:34:12,283
Super spectacular.
785
00:34:14,351 --> 00:34:15,753
You know, Pat...
786
00:34:15,786 --> 00:34:17,554
[romantic music starts]
787
00:34:17,588 --> 00:34:18,756
...this is a moment, Pat,
788
00:34:18,789 --> 00:34:21,292
that utterly demands
champagne.
49481
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