Original subtitles

There comes a time in everyone's life

when he or she must ask themselves

some very important questions:

Who am I?

What am I?

Where did I come from?

As I remember it, I started life

down the road most traveled.

[pop]

Ha ha! Here we are.

- Whoops! - Baby: Ooh!

Whoa-ho. Sorry there, little tyke.

Mrs. Riley, congratulations.

You are the proud mother

of a beautiful 7 1/2-pound baby--

Doctor, come quick. There's an emergency in Ward G.

Well, is it a boy or a girl?

No time. Look for yourself.

Whoop.

It's Pat.

Uhh.

♪ [piano]

♪ A lot of people say "What's that?"

♪ It's Pat ♪

♪ Ma'am or a sir ♪

♪ Accept him or her ♪

♪ For whatever it might be ♪

♪ It's time for androgyny ♪

♪ Here comes Pat ♪

♪ [scatting]

♪ [continues]

♪ It's time for androgyny ♪

♪ Here comes Pat ♪

♪ Here comes Pat ♪

♪ Pow ♪

Pat, narrating: Hi. That's me in the fourth grade.

Oh, on the right.

Will you be my valentine, Pat?

What?

Are you kind of confused today?

I was always very popular.

Pat, will you be my valentine?

Oh, I'm sure.

Why don't you take a reality pill?

Terry is my valentine.

[giggling]

By the time I reached high school,

I was confident, and I thought

I'd figured out all of life's big questions.

To me it was the adults who seemed confused

Have a nice day.

Then I reached maturity.

I finally found a job that allowed me

to take full advantage of my special people skills.

Here comes the mail.

Boy, this is the career for me.

Oh.

Eileen.

Prepare yourself.

That battle-axe mother-in-law of yours

is gonna come for a whole month.

And, uh, you're being audited.

Hope you get to keep your home.

The world was my oyster.

But then I turned 33,

and, like many great figures in history before me,

it was a year that changed my life

as I knew it forever.

How long have we known each other, Pat?

Four and a half days.

Let's make it five.

Got a complaint from Mr. and Mrs. Kogan.

Seems you opened a letter from their son

and you told them he was gay.

That's right. I say that's life.

Move on, accept.

That's a federal offense, Pat.

Being gay?

Opening someone else's mail.

Oh.

Well, I'm looking forward

to the sorting seminar this weekend.

You're fired.

What?

What I mean to say is

there's nothing wrong with your work per se.

It's just that I kind of have to let you go.

But I don't want to be fired.

I didn't think you would.

You're not, uh, disgruntled, are you?

No.

You're fired.

Madness!

Whenever I lose a job,

I like to forget about my problems

and help others-- say a neighbor in need.

Pat, can I help you?

Oh. Hi, Kathy.

Every time I look in your front window,

I notice the clock on your VCR is blinking.

I could fix that for you in a jiffy.

Oh, uh, okay, if you want to.

Well, I can't do it right now.

I have to come back when it's convenient for me.

[chuckling]

[humming]

Hi, Tippy.

Oh. Oh, Pat. What do you want?

I just thought I'd stop by

and pick up a few personal items.

Oh, no, no, no. Please, remember?

No, I don't want to know about your sex life, okay?

I just want to get a few toiletries.

Uh, first of all, I need some protection.

Oh, dear God. Okay. All right.

From underarm wetness.

I'm never one to offend.

2.50, then, all right? And you're out.

What am I, in a race? Whoa.

Well, kind of. It's late.

And I need a lubricant.

What?

For my eyes. They're drying up,

due to the pollen and dust in the air.

Oh. Oh, great.

Help me, someone. Just help me.

And I need some feminine napkins.

Oh, I'm in hell. I am in hell now.

You never know when Aunt Wilma's

going to stop by for lunch.

Thank you. That's it, all right?

- Guess so. - Okay.

There you go. It's yours.

Okay. Don't you want me--

Go now. Just go on--

...pay or anything?

No, it's on me. Go ahead and go now.

Okay? You're gone. Bye-bye now.

Bye.

Tippy was clearly unhappy in her job.

Well, so are most people.

Not me. I was free as a bird.

Girl: ...a very busy day.

Man: I saw the guy. They built right on him.

[laughter, chatter]

Hey. How you doing?

Houston, we're proceeding onto Silver Lake Drive...

past the magazine stand. You copy?

Ah-choo!

[speaking Japanese]

...fella.

[speaking Japanese]

[speaking Japanese]

[blender starts]

Hey, sprechen-sie Americano, por favor.

[chuckling]

Let me give you a piece of advice, Kathy.

Hello.

Don't ever work in the restaurant business.

They just expect you to serve people.

[chuckling] I quit.

Pat, I'm in a towel.

Should I be embarrassed?

Uh...

What the hell is in your nose?

Oh, tissues.

I have allergies and sniffles.

You know, there are millions and millions of microscopic dust mites

that live all over your body,

and conceivably they can crawl up your nose

and lay eggs in your brain.

Yeah, I've heard that, Pat.

Why don't you just leave them in?

No, it's all right.

Pat, we have to have a little chat, okay?

You can't just barge in here whenever you want to, okay?

I'm trying to get ready for a date, all right?

And we really barely know each other.

Oh. Well, you said

you wanted me to set the clock on your VCR.

Once, Pat. I said it once in passing.

Uh...

Well, it's really very simple.

Any moron could do it.

So you finally got a date, huh?

Ha ha. Yeah. Lucky me.

[beep]

So what's his name anyway?

That's none of your business, Pat, okay?

I'm going to draw a little boundary.

I understand. You're a little sensitive on that topic.

So did I tell you I'm unemployed?

Yeah, about, uh, 400 times.

Say, do you think you could make an announcement about it

at the radio station?

Absolutely not.

All right, well, think it over.

But when you do make the announcement,

let me know. I want to tell my friends to tune in.

They don't listen to your show normally.

Oh.

Oh, I'm sorry. I got to go.

Do you?

You're my best friend, Kathy.

Oh, Am I?

Uh...

Okay.

Bye-bye now.

Okay.

Unfortunately, I was forced to take a job

that was totally humiliating.

I was beginning to doubt my identity,

my true purpose in this world,

when suddenly the most wonderful thing happened.

Whoa. Is it hot in here, or is it just me?

[chuckling]

This thing is set at 82 degrees.

Haven't you people ever heard of sweaters?

Can I help you?

Pat Riley, Southland Gas Company.

Uhh.

[glass shatters]

This is a disgrace.

Hasn't anybody checked this?

[grunting]

[glass shatters]

Excuse me. Um...

Hello.

Hi.

Hi. I'm Chris.

I'm-- I'm the bartender here.

Hi. I'm Pat. I'm--

I'm your gas management specialist and advisor.

Oh.

Well, pleased to meet you...

gorgeous.

The pleasure's all mine...

you.

Ahh!

What's a person like you doing in a place like this?

You know, I ask myself that all the time.

I mean, I've got a PhD in cultural anthropology,

but I just love bartending.

I've been here for ten years now,

and I've just heard so many incredible stories

and met so many fascinating...

people.

I wish I could find a job I liked that much.

Uh-huh.

I'm overqualified for Southland Gas.

I'm already looking for something else.

I guess you could say I'm a restless spirit,

a lover, a liver of life.

I'm eternally searching for something more.

Wow.

I think you and I have so much in common, Pat.

Pat: Do you like movies?

Yes. Yes, I do. I love movies.

Oh, do you know what I specially love

are good movies.

You're kidding. I love good movies, too.

Really? Oh. You know what I hate

are bad boring movies.

Me, too. We're so alike.

[chuckle]

I think that dinner is probably one

of my favorite meals of the day.

Mine, too.

This is downright eerie.

Oh, you want to know another thing I hate?

Senseless evil.

I'm not even gonna tell you

because you won't believe it.

[whispering] Me, too.

Once I got it home,

I realized I didn't like it.

I mean, who wants a plaid bath mat anyway?

So I took it back and exchanged it

for a delicious tan one.

Uh, or brown, really. [chuckling]

Ohh.

Pat, you've led such an amazing life.

I find you-- I--

I find everything about you

endlessly fascinating.

Join the club.

[Pat giggling]

Hey, is that a big fan of yours?

That's my little joke.

Oh!

Take it easy, hon. Take it easy.

- Ohh! - Okay. All right.

Are you all right,

um, uh, you there?

yeah, hon, did you break anything?

I crushed my nuts.

- Ooh! - Ooh!

That's got to hurt.

Oh, shoot.

There goes my afternoon snack.

Chris: I know.

[clatter]

Who are you?

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm Kyle Jacobs,

and this is my beautiful wife Stacy.

Hi.

We just moved into apartment 2F.

I'm Chris. Hi.

And this is Pat. Pat lives across the way from you in 2B.

2B or not 2B, that is my apartment.

Oh, boy.

Oh, wow. Come on, let's go.

Okay.

Stacy: Bye-bye.

Strange couple.

You know, you can't really tell.

It's peculiar.

Yeah, it's peculiar,

yet wondrously provocative.

[scoff]

Kyle!

What?

Guy.

Save that filth for the bedroom.

[Pat, Chris moaning]

Both: Will you marry me?

Both: Yes.

[laughing]

- Ahh. - Uhh.

You know something?

I love to stroke your pussy, Pat.

I know.

Muffy likes it, too.

[meow]

Hi, sunshine boy.

I am going to the grocery store.

Can I get you anything?

No. Thanks.

Okay.

- Nuts. - Hmm?

Uh, maybe some nuts.

I've been having this weird craving for nuts lately, okay?

Okay. Nuts it is.

Oh. By the way, I was just down in the laundry room,

and I saw our weird new neighbor Pat.

What's Pat's laundry like?

I don't know what Pat's laundry is like.

It's not like I go around

looking at people's dirty laundry.

What? There was, you know, bras, panties,

boxer shorts, jock straps.

Well, Pat was doing laundry with Chris.

They're engaged.

And we're invited to the engagement party.

Great.

Okay. Well, listen, I got to go.

Mmm.

Bye.

Kyle: Pat, Pat, Pat.

- Ooh! - [glass breaks]

What's in a name like Pat?

One afternoon, Chris surprised me

by putting a new spin on our relationship.

[snoring]

I thought we were so clearly defined as a couple.

Had we fallen into a certain kind of role playing

from which we could never recover?

[snoring]

[chuckling]

What an exquisitely lazy day.

Yeah.

Well, you know, it's Thursday.

You know, my day off.

Uh-huh.

So I guess you've got the day off, too, huh?

Yeah. I got fired

from that security guard job down at the La Brea Tar Pits.

Those woolly mammoths aren't kidding.

Once you get stuck in the tar, you never get out.

Uh-huh. Yeah.

Uh...

gee, Pat, you know, I--

I can't believe you lost another job.

I just--

Oh, come on.

I work like a dog.

I had 23 jobs last year.

How many did you have?

Just the one.

Then I'd hardly call you a big job expert.

Pat, I think there's something you should read.

Uh, in this magazine,

uh, they have a new study,

and they found that if you don't have a satisfying career

by the time you're in your early thirties,

which you are, Pat,

then you'll probably never achieve

any sort of real happiness, your marriage will fail,

and your chances of finding a good job

are, uh, about as likely as your chances

of being struck by lightning.

Well, actually, being struck by lightning

is more common than you think.

I've been struck three times.

Pat, I think you might be missing the point.

Uh...

the point is, Pat,

that, um, if you can't commit to a job,

then how can I possibly expect you

to commit to, you know, say, a marriage?

Ouch. Point taken.

You're right, I should try even harder.

No, no. I, uh,

I shouldn't have said anything.

I shouldn't meddle.

No, that's good, come on.

No, no, I should--

This is a relationship.

You should talk.

Oh, Pat.

Come on. It's a beautiful sunny day.

What do you say we get up off our butts

and go do something?

Oh, do you want to go for a hike?

No. I know. Let's go to the Burger Bag

and get some fries.

Okay, that's good. Yeah.

- Come on. - Let's do that. Okay.

[giggling]

Wednesday, August 2, 11:05 p.m.

Pat reads People magazine,

watches "America's Most Wanted,"

writes in the computer.

What a strange combination of attraction and repulsion

that I feel for my neighbor Pat.

I don't even know if Pat is a man or a woman.

Such a Sphinx-like riddle

posed by the very existence of Pat.

Stacy: Kyle? What are you doing in there?

Uh, nothing, honey.

I'll be out in a minute.

Okay.

[water running]

Uh-huh.

[humming]

Oh, my God, this is it.

Ahh!

11:07.

Urination.

You never get through a carton of O.J.

before it expires.

Yeah. Me, either.

What's up, Kyle?

Oh, I just wanted to show you my new video camera here.

Here-- Here's my new video camera.

- Uh-huh. - I just got it.

I could videotape your honeymoon.

I mean your engagement party.

Oh That'd be great.

[chatter]

♪ [dance]

It's good to go.

Hey, I've lived in the same building with Pat

for seven years. I still have no idea.

Yeah. That's why I came.

I thought maybe this Chris person

would give us some kind of a clue.

I thought I'd find out about Chris when I met Pat.

Look at it this way, honey:

they're lucky to have found each other.

I guess there's someone for everybody.

Hi!

[giggling]

Hey, you two.

Here's a present we got for you.

Oh, looky what we got. Attention, everybody!

We got as present!

[chuckling]

Let's open it.

- Oh! - Oh!

both: This is something we'll both enjoy.

[laughing]

Here, open mine.

Ohh!

I should get married more often!

Not if I can help it.

- Ohh! - Ohh!

Now Chris will leave my towels alone.

Oh, you, you're incorrigible.

That's what you love about me.

It's true.

You know what I always say:

we're made for each other. [sputter]

Eww.

Oh, Pat.

So, um, are you going to change your name?

- Which one are you asking? - Either.

No, no, no. Pat and I don't believe

in that kind of sexist tradition.

Do we, hon?

Ohh.

But wouldn't it be so romantic

to have the same last name?

Oh, gee, I don't know.

What do you think? Think we should?

- I don't know. Do you? - It's up to you.

It's kind of your decision.

I really think you should decide.

Okay. I think this is a conversation

we should be having at home.

Do it now.

[chatter]

Okay, everybody, we've got a little show.

Uh, attention, everybody!

This is my engagement party!

[slurp]

And now Chris and I would like

to sing a song for you. [chuckling]

We would?

Yes, sir, the magic of karaoke.

Hit it!

Pat--

[whispering] I'll lead and you follow.

[music starts]

♪ Everybody loves somebody sometime ♪

♪ Everybody falls in love somehow ♪

♪ Something in your kiss just told me ♪

♪ My sometime ♪

Kyle?

♪ Is now ♪

People, you're talking again!

♪ [rock beat]

♪ Dude looks like a lady ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Dude looks like a lady ♪

♪ Uhh ♪

♪ Dude looks like a lady ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Dude looks like a lady ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Dude looks like a lady ♪

♪ Oh, yeah... ♪

- Honey? - What?

Don't you think you've had enough?

No, I don't. I don't think I'll ever have enough.

Kyle, you have been so strangely lately,

ever since we moved into this building.

Ever since we moved here with Pat.

What are you talking about?

Stacy, that is a neighbor,

a person that lives in the building, that's all.

Yeah, well, why are you so obsessed with him?

Her? It?

Obsessed?

Yes.

I think it's ruining our life together.

Mmm.

Wouldn't that be wonderful

if all the problems of our relationship

could be boiled down to one pat answer.

There you go again.

An androgyne has come between us.

You know, it's weird.

It's almost as if--

as if--

Oh, God.

You're in love with Pat, aren't you?

Whoa. What are you, insane?

Stacy, that's the most ridiculous thing

- I've ever heard. - God!

[sobbing]

[door closes]

Ohh...

[sobbing]

Love.

What's love got to do with this

when you love something you don't understand?

Dear Diary: My performance at the engagement party

was a triumph. I know that I've found my true calling.

I'm an artist.

Kyle: Ding-dong.

Am I interrupting anything?

Oh, no, just keeping a record

of my innermost thoughts and feelings

right here in my laptop diary.

Really? What kind of stuff do you put in here?

Oh, just anything anyone could conceivably want to know about me.

Wow. I know people who would give anything to read this.

No way, José. This is raw, uncensored,

and completely personal data.

Do tell.

So...

Oh, whoa, Pat.

Is that a banana in your pocket,

or are you just happy to see me?

No, it's a banana.

If you're hungry, get your own.

This is my snack.

Fine, fine.

Oh, Pat, listen, I've got great news.

You were so incredible

the other night at the karaoke bar

that I sent my videotape of your performance

to one of those home video TV shows,

and they want to put you on the air.

Oh, that's great!

All you have to do is sign this release form.

- Okay? - Ohh!

All right.

Name.

Okay.

And this-- right there, the "Sex" part.

No, no problem.

That's my joke.

That's very funny, Pat. Very funny.

Uh, do you have a driver's license?

Uh-huh. Mm-hmm.

Good.

A dog got at it, but you can still read the number.

That's all they need.

Yeah. Uh, do you have a birth certificate?

Uh, yes, I do, sir.

Good, good, good, good.

Middlesex, New Jersey.

The rest I can't make out.

I know. Um...

do you have a photo of you in the nude?

What?

I don't know why.

But apparently it's something to do

with, like, uh, requirements to be on TV.

They needed a photo of you in the nude,

kind of, you know, totally...

I haven't had one taken of me recently.

Well, I think any photo--

They said any photo in the nude would do.

- I remember that now. - I do have one.

Good.

I have to get this back. It's kind of an heirloom.

Just give it to me, Pat.

That's...useless.

When am I going to be on TV?

[phone rings]

Hey, I'm gonna be on TV!

Hi. Did I tell you I was going to be on TV?

Oh, I did, huh?

Okay, bye.

Howdy, Tippy.

Boy, do I have something to tell you.

What, Pat? What do you want?

I'm going to be on TV.

Oh, dear God.

Well...

[gurgling]

Thursday night at 9.

Thursday night at 9, Channel 12--

[gurgling]

Guess what, Kathy. I'm gonna be on TV.

Who's there?

Who do you think?

Hey, you know what?

My key works in your door, too.

Isn't that great?

Tonight's the night of my big broadcast.

I'm on the verge of superstardom.

Should I buy a house in Malibu or the Hollywood Hills?

I don't know, but I sure wish you'd buy a new car.

I mean, this driver's ed car is ridiculous.

Was it ridiculous to spend only $500

at the Pine Cone High Rummage Sale?

I don't think so.

What's eating you?

I'm just worried you're getting a little carried away,

that's all. I want you to try and remember

this is just a short segment

on one of those silly home video shows, okay?

You're jealous that I found such a fulfilling career.

I am not jealous.

I'm sorry I put a positive spin on things.

Maybe I should be gloomier, like you.

I happen to be very proud that you're going to be on TV.

I just want you to be realistic.

I mean, this isn't necessarily going to pan out

into a career, you know.

That's exactly what you said

when I wanted to be a brain surgeon.

Oh. And?

How was I supposed to know

you needed 12 years of medical school?

What a scam.

I'm going the back way.

Pat, we should go straight.

[arguing]

For once, would you not argue with me?

Pat, you are impossible to deal with

when you're like this.

You're like a child.

Tonight at 9, Channel 12!

Announcer on TV: Now here she is, your hostess,

- Arleen Sorkin - [applause]

Welcome back to America's Creepiest People,

the show that allows us

to feel a little bit better about ourselves

by giving us the opportunity to laugh

at those who are less fortunate.

What you are about to know is...

Now the whole world will know

the splendor that is Pat.

For this next segment, we recommend

viewer discretion.

If you have small children,

you may want them to leave the room.

♪ Uh, freak out ♪

♪ Le freak, le chic ♪

♪ Freak out ♪

Mmm.

♪ Aw, freak out ♪

Kyle, are you all right?

♪ Freak out ♪

I'm fine. Uh, no problem.

It's just that you've been in there

for three days.

I need time to think.

Fine. I'm going out.

♪ Le freak, c'est chic ♪

Ohh.

Where's that stupid remote?

Ohh!

Oh!

♪ It surely can be done ♪

♪ Young and old are doin' it, I'm told ♪

♪Just one try, and you too will be sold ♪

♪ It's called The Freak ♪

♪ And they're doing it night and day ♪

[laughter]

♪ Allow me, I'll show you the way ♪

♪ Aww, freak out ♪

♪ Le freak, c'est chic ♪

Freak out!

♪ Aw, freak out ♪

♪ Le freak, c'est chic ♪

♪ Freak out ♪

See what I mean?

Pretty creepy, huh?

Creepy?

Well, I think that was sort of magnificent...

in that uniquely Pat-like way of Pat's.

Oh, who can unravel the enigma of Pat?

To answer that question, we have with us today

Camille Paglia, author of the bestselling book

Sexual Persona.

[applause]

So what do you make of this Pat person

we've just seen?

Well, Arleen, I am stunned

by the Pat phenomenon.

Pat symbolizes, crystalizes,

explodes the sexual ambiguities

of the 20th century.

[applause]

Thank you for that

illuminating analysis, Camille.

[TV off]

Pat, Pat, Pat.

Would a Pat by any other name smell as sweet?

What if Stacy's right?

Could this be love?

If so, what kind of love?

How to account for these peculiar passions of mine?

Howdy, Kyle!

Pat!

Was that great or what?

Oh, you were fantastic.

Please, come in, come in.

All right.

Make yourself comfortable.

Don't mind if I do.

Make yourself very comfortable, Pat.

You know, Pat, seeing you on television

was-- I mean, I was--

you were-- my God.

I was kind of a spectacle.

Spectacular is more the word, Pat.

Super spectacular.

You know, Pat...

[romantic music starts]

...this is a moment, Pat,

that utterly demands champagne.