Original subtitles

[chuckling]

You know, Pat, I wanted to tell you

that the camera really loves you.

I mean, really, really--

[cork pops]

...loves you.

Well, it's true

I've always been exceptionally photogenic.

[chuckling]

Ahh.

A toast, then, to...

to America's newest superstar.

[ding]

Oh, this bubbly goes straight to my head.

Careful.

Well, I don't really feel like dancing, Kyle.

Of course not.

You must be...

awfully exhausted

after such an exciting day.

Well, it was on TV.

I'm the luckiest man in the world

to be able to share this moment with you, Pat.

Kyle.

Wow.

Whoo.

Is it hot in here, or is it just me?

Why don't you just loosen up a little bit, Pat?

Maybe we could, uh, have some fun.

Okay, I think I understand what's going on here, Kyle.

You got the wrong impression about me.

I mean, I like you as a friend, okay?

A friend.

To tell you the truth,

you're not exactly my type,

if you know what I'm saying.

Plus, Kyle, you're married, and I'm engaged,

so... Oh, Kyle, this is just embarrassing.

I'm gonna go.

Oh, sweet mystery that is Pat.

"Why don't you loosen up a little?"

The guy needs therapy.

Pat, you were, uh...

Hi. Thank you.

Thank you.

Kathy, so what did you think?

Well, uh, it was so much like the engagement party.

It was just like being there.

I knew you'd love it.

Hey, we have a celebrity in the building!

Me! [chuckling]

I was brilliant.

I know now that I was born

to bring joy into the lives of millions.

[ring]

Hello. TV's Pat speaking.

Chris: Hi. Hi, it's me.

Uh, you were really great on the show tonight.

I know.

Uh, look, Pat, uh,

I'm really sorry about earlier.

Well, I understand

how you can get overemotional sometimes.

No biggie.

You know, Pat, you really should follow your dreams.

But, you know, maybe you should just pick one dream

and follow it, okay?

Okay.

So we're in love again, right?

Oh, Pat.

We were never out of love.

Oh, Chris, you believed in me all along.

Psst, Pat.

Sorry. I have to go.

There's somebody at the window.

[dial tone]

Pat, you're a wonderful person.

All right, Kyle, listen, uh,

I have to go to bed.

I'll talk to you later.

Don't close the door on my hand! Aah!

[crash]

Hey, weren't you on TV last night?

Yes, I was.

Can we talk to you for a minute?

Okay.

Pat, aren't you?

Aw, who wants to know?

Oh, we're Ween.

What's a ween?

We're a band, you know.

That's Gene Ween, and I'm Dean Ween.

You know, like Simon and Garfunkel,

Peaches and Herb.

It's kind of sad

you got stuck with that name.

Yeah, anyway, we're doing a gig tonight,

and we were wondering if you wanted

to come out and play.

Great! I'm in a band!

I hopped aboard that bus

knowing I was on the road to fame and fortune.

[chanting] Ween! Ween! Ween! Ween!

Ween! Ween! Ween! Ween!

One minute, Pat.

Don't mind the cameras, Pat.

Do your thing, and you'll look great in the video.

Thank you.

Pat.

How exciting.

Just think, all those thousands of people

looking at me and only at me.

All of them watching and waiting for me

to fill their lives with meaning.

Pat, you okay?

Where's my axe?

Your instrument's set on stage.

- All right. - Knock 'em dead.

Thank you.

Ween! Ween! Ween!

[cheering]

Pat, we're Ween.

[high voices] ♪ When you've had your fun ♪

♪ And your work is done ♪

♪ You must not succumb ♪

♪ I can feel you breathe ♪

♪ At least I can make a Norwegian side ♪

♪ Please don't hide ♪

♪ So, Mom, if you please ♪

♪ Pass me the pork roll, egg, and cheese ♪

♪ If you please, on a Kaiser bun ♪

♪ Mom, if you please ♪

♪ Pass me the pork roll, egg, and cheese ♪

♪ If you please, on a Kaiser bun ♪

Hi. Thank you.

Hey, you were incredible tonight, Pat.

Oh, you thought so, too?

Pat, great show.

Yeah, you were amazing.

Well, the tuba is a sadly overlooked instrument.

Care for a mushroom?

Oh, hey, I don't know what's in these.

These could be psychedelic, right?

Oh, I know about these music industry parties:

sex, drugs, and rock 'n' roll.

Woo-hoo!

[sitar music]

[groaning]

I see trails...

the realistic pillows.

Gene, you have a polka-dot monkey on your nose.

Pat, those aren't hallucinogenic mushrooms.

They're from Safeway.

Oh.

Hey, you guys, I played with the Ween!

- What? - Ohh.

Gross.

I played with the Ween!

Hey, I played with the Ween!

Hey, everybody!

I can't believe you did this!

I want a divorce.

[playing "Three Blind Mice"]

Ohh!

Ahem!

Mm-hmm.

Hey, dudes!

Well, just another gig.

Are you ready to rock 'n' roll?

Hey, Pat, what's up?

Just getting ready for the next gig.

Oh. Pat, I think there's been a misunderstanding.

We just wanted to get some footage of you

for our next video.

You were great and everything,

but that's all we needed.

Well, maybe I should go out

as a surprise bonus attraction.

No, it's too late to change the lineup.

Well, maybe I could just jam with the band

as a special celebrity guest.

We appreciate that, but we just can't do it.

I'll perform for free.

I'm sorry, Pat. Not tonight.

Okey-dokey.

Well...

see you at the next gig.

Pat, try to understand

we booked you for just one performance.

That's all. We were filming a video.

Didn't you read the contract we gave you to sign?

Well, yes, of course I did,

but I can hardly be expected to read all the fine print.

I mean, I just naturally assumed

that I would go on tour with you

and then I would get a record contract of my own

and have a fabulous music career.

Isn't that standard contract?

No, not as such.

You guys were nothing without me!

I hate show biz!

It's a cutthroat industry!

Aw, I know, hon, I know.

All I am to them is a body, an image!

I understand.

To them I'm just a piece of meat

to be chewed up and spit out!

[sobbing]

Oh, Pat.

Maybe it's all for the best.

Feel sorrier for me!

How can I feel sorry for you

when you feel so sorry for yourself?

I miss my career.

[whining]

I miss the limelight

and the adulation of thousands!

Oh, Pat, being famous and having a career,

they're-- they're not the same thing.

What are you talking about?

Well, a career implies having a skill.

You think I'm untalented!

No, I don't.

I'll show you! I'm a renaissance person!

I don't understand why you insist

on blowing this thing so out of proportion.

I don't think you know what you want out of life.

I just want fame and riches. Is that too much to ask?

Oh, Pat.

Those are the goals of an empty soul, Pat...

one that I frankly do not want to spend

a whole lot of time with, so--

And you're not being supportive enough!

I need something for me right now!

Come on.

No.

Well, I'm not gonna beg.

Where am I?

What kind of spell have I been under, Pat?

I mean, you and I are clearly

fundamentally incompatible,

and I just think--

I think we should call it quits, Pat.

I think it's... over between us,

and, uh, I should be going.

Goodbye, Pat.

[sobbing]

Dear Diary:

I am at the lowest point in my life.

First my music career was sabotaged,

and then Chris became unreasonable,

and I had to break off our engagement.

Thank goodness I still have you, Dear Diary,

a confidante to whom I can bare my soul's most secret yearnings

and vulnerable feelings.

Oh, well, I'm sure everything

will look better in the morning.

Ohh...

[bottles rattle]

You're a stupid lettuce-head.

Oh, no!

[humming]

You're all wet, Pat.

Ohh!

Ohh...

I'm being haunted by the specter

of my former lover.

I should record that dream in my diary.

No! My laptop!

Ohh! Ohh!

My diary's been stolen!

Ohh! Help!

Oh, Kyle!

Kyle! Ohh!

Oh, madness!

Oh, my diary's been stolen!

My diary's been stolen!

Oh, no.

Kyle, at this very moment,

some diabolical cat burglar could be reading

the most intimate details of my private life!

Kyle!

That's terrible, Pat.

Hey, I have frames just like those.

Wait a minute, Pat.

Don't you need a password

to gain access to the diary itself?

Yes. Yes, I do.

And what was that password again?

I would never tell that to anyone.

Not even a closest friend, a nearby neighbor,

somebody that can--

Well, I'll give you a hint.

It's in the dictionary.

Ohh, all right, Kyle.

I feel a little bit better.

Good.

Okay, I got to go.

Mm-hmm. Okay.

Hmm.

[buzzing]

[Pat's voice] Access denied.

[chuckling]

It was worth a try anyway.

A.

[buzzing]

Dick.

[buzzing]

I will know your secrets, my love.

I will possess you utterly.

Whoever had stolen my diary

had left few clues behind,

and I was soon on the trail,

sniffing out leads.

Hey, dudes.

Any of you guys steal anything lately?

What are you talking about?

Like my laptop diary.

It's been stolen, and I want it back.

What the hell are you anyway?

Oh, I know what you're thinking.

Am I a Crip or am I a Blood?

No. What we want to know

is are you a brother or a sister?

- Word. - Yeah.

Well, I'm an only child.

There's a word for what you are.

Charismatic?

Spike, what is the word I'm looking for?

Androgynous.

- Yeah. - That's it.

Oh, that's right. Androgynous.

That's what everyone says about me.

Good old androgynous Pat.

Pat's always cheerful

and androgynous with everybody.

So what the hell are you?

A man or a woman?

Ohh...

Ohh! Ohh!

What the hell was that?

Hmm.

Ohh!

May I help you with something?

I need a makeover, pronto!

Makeover.

Yes, I need to look more like my own gender.

You know what I'm saying, Gunther.

Oh...kay.

Let's go.

Fantastic.

I don't think so.

Oh, that's quite flattering.

You've got to be kidding.

The minimalist.

[speeded-up chatter]

That's it! It's me!

Oh, I love my new look!

Oh, you're a genius, Gunther.

All in a day's work for Gunther.

I may have looked fabulous on the outside,

but inside I was a mess.

At a time like this, I needed a friend.

I needed my best friend.

Man on phone: I mean, he was-- he was looking at me funny,

and I had the gun in my hand,

so-- so I-- I shot him.

Well, anger is nothing more than hurt

that hasn't been dealt with.

You need to work on healing your inner child, okay?

I want you to have a 20-minute conversation

with your inner child every day.

And remember, no fighting.

All right, so let me know how things go.

Okay, great, we're going to pause here

to pay some bills.

I'm Kathy Griffin on "Love Chat."

Pat.

Hi, Kathy. How you doing?

What are you doing?

I'm working, Pat.

Oh. Listen, I need a job. Can you get me one?

Okay, well, why would I get you a job?

Have you forgotten who set the clock on your VCR?

That thing would be flashing from here to Tuesday

if it weren't for me.

Oh, right. Look, Pat,

I'm trying to do a little show here, okay?

Maybe we could talk about this later.

Kathy, this isn't about you right now.

This is about me.

What am I gonna do?

Security!

Oh, great!

Do I get to wear a uniform?

[phone rings]

[ring]

[ring]

[ring]

[ring]

Hello.

Woman: I'm having an affair with my next door neighbor.

I feel terrible about it. Who can I talk to?

Well, try your husband.

[ring]

Phone's ringing!

[ring]

[ring]

What do you want?

I would like this individual

escorted from the building, please.

Uh, just a second. I want to hear this.

I have no idea what you're talking about.

Oh, my God.

Pat is taking calls on the air?

I know.

Well, go to commercial. Pull the plug.

No. This is great talk radio.

That's the most repulsive thing I've ever heard.

Look, Troy, that is trivializing their pain.

Okay? Pat isn't helping people.

At least Pat's not putting people to sleep.

Oh. Oh. Okay.

That's a slur directed against me, right?

Look at all the calls coming in.

Oh, You are so disgusting.

Hello. Whoa. Um...

All right, can I help you?

Man: Sometimes I have suicidal thoughts.

I feel like I want to jump off a building

or slit my wrists or put a bullet in my head.

Well, have you considered drowning?

I mean, they say it's like God giving you a big wet hug...

forever.

Stop calling here.

Female chorus: ♪ Ooh, "Love Chair" ♪

Announcer: Tune in same time tomorrow for more...

Hey, you know when that "On the air" sign is on,

that means you're on the air.

Oh, heh heh. Oops.

You know, you're a natural?

Well, your station's listeners

really bummed me out.

They're a bunch of crackpots.

Well, Pat, those are exactly the kind of people

who call a radio talk show.

Well, they're too freaky for me.

Why can't they just have normal relationships?

Pat, why don't you be the new host of "Love Chat"?

Great.

I'm hired!

Guess what, Kathy. I got a job.

I have a radio show called "Love Chat."

Yeah, I know, Pat. That was my show.

Well, small world.

No, no. I got fired today.

Oh, Kathy, that's terrible.

Why?

Because they gave you my show.

Oh, that must be awful for you, Kathy.

Is there anything I can do?

Uh, yeah. Could you give me my job back?

I don't think they'd go for that down at the station.

Plus, I wouldn't do it

because I really need this job.

Well, then do me a favor and get out of here!

- Okay? - I'd better go.

Ramrod. Ramrod.

Come on, baby, be the one.

- [buzzing] - Come to Papa.

Access denied. [chuckling]

[muttering]

[laughing]

[buzzing]

Pig! I'm sorry.

Okay.

[female chorus scatting]

Announcer: You're listening to KVIB FM.

And now for the southland's hottest talk radio,

here's Pat.

Hi. This is "Pat Chat."

And I'm your host, Pat Riley. [chuckling]

I'm ready to listen

to all of your most personal and intimate problems

and then, uh, solve them for you,

so, uh, let's take our first call.

Woman: I've contracted a horrible disease,

and I've been told I don't have much time to live.

[sobbing] What should I do?

[baby crying]

Why don't you go 1-800-Waah-waah-waah

waah-waah waah-waah? [chuckling]

All right, next call.

Kyle: Pat, I-- I-- I like to dress up

like my sexually ambiguous neighbor

[cuckoo cuckoo]

and prance around the apartment all night.

Sure you do, Mr. Looney Tunes.

Adios!

I'm tired of these cranks.

Let's screen these callers, people.

[doorbell rings]

Hi. Blast from your past.

Hi. I'm a famous radio personality now.

That's really-- That's great.

Uh, Pat, there's something I have to tell you.

Can I come in?

Pat, you know, I never want you and I to be enemies, okay?

But, uh, I have to go away for a little while.

Where?

I'm leaving on Sunday at 5:30 for Tibet,

on a spiritual quest.

A quest?

Yeah. Um, I'm gonna be gone for at least a year, Pat.

What?

So I really thought it was important

that I come by and tell you

that I think I'm probably always gonna love you, Pat.

Well, then great! Then we have no problems, then.

No, Pat. What I'm trying to say

that I'm really sorry it didn't work out between us.

Well--

Well, I'm also sorry

that you couldn't have been more sensible.

Goodbye, Pat.

People. Can't live with them,

and you can't live without them.

Ohh...

Damn, I must have missed it.

[Kyle imitating Pat's voice] There's only three left.

I know that. Thank you.

[chuckling]

Zymase.

Access denied. [chuckling]

Zymotic?

Ohh...

Zythum.

Please work.

We're in. We're in!

We're in, we're in.

We're in, we're in.

We're in.

We're in.

Ohh...

We're in, we're in, we're in,

we're in, we're in, we're in.

We're in, we're in.

The diary.

"Once I got it home, I realized I didn't like it.

"I mean, who wants a plaid bath mat anyway?

"So I took it back and exchanged it

"for a delicious tan one.

Well, more brown, really."

Pat on radio: ...be all tender and sumptuous enough

to bring tears to your eyes.

And people everywhere are making Tom Chuck's

their dinnertime destination.

Come and enjoy!

All right, sounds good.

Okay, I'll remind you

this is KVIB. I'm Pat.

You know what I always say:

we're made for each other. [sputter]

Oh, Pat.

[chuckling]

Pat.

Always try to be equal partners in a relationship.

Thank you very much.

I'm Pat, and I'm here all night,

ready to lend a sympathetic ear.

Let's take our next call.

Hello.

Chris: Hi, Pat.

Hello. Don't waste my time.

What's your name, caller?

Well, it's--

You can call me Chris, Pat.

All right, Chris, what's your problem?

Well, I had this special someone in my life--

we'll call this person Pat--

and, well, we were engaged, yeah,

and, uh, well, I just didn't feel

that Pat was ready to make a commitment,

not to-- not to a job or to me.

But now for the first time Pat has some job stability,

- and-- - Uhh?

I just want to tell Pat

that I-- I love Pat for who Pat is

and not for what Pat does.

And I really wish we could get back together again, Pat.

Well...

you're not giving me much to go on here, Chris.

Can you be more specific?

Well, I guess what I'm trying to get at, Pat,

is that, well, I'm leaving for Tibet tomorrow,

you know, to get over Pat,

and I'm not so sure that's the right thing to do now, Pat.

Well, if you're asking for my advice,

and I guess you are,

I would say that this Path person

just sounds like a real nightmare.

I say hit the road and don't look back.

[chuckling] Next call.

But--

Some people, I don't know

why they get hooked up with these losers

in the first place.

Listen, what I have to give you people is tough love.

It may not sound pretty, but I can help you.

That's right, I'm Pat.

I'm here to help you all night long.

"Chris can be so frustrating.

"I mean, who is wearing the pants

in our relationship anyway?"

Exactly what I want to know!

"I have a confession to make.

"Dear Diary:

Something not even my closest friends know about me."

"I haven't vacuumed under my couch

"since I moved into my apartment.

There, I said it I feel so much better already."

That's it?

Th-Th-Th-That's all?

The most intimate record

of every detail of Pat's life,

and not a single clue about Pat's sex?

Why?

Why? That's so unfair!

I'm sleepy, and you people are boring me.

This is KVIB FM. I'm your host Pat.

Now let's take our next call,

and make it something lively!

[Eastern European accent] I'm wanting to be telling you

that I'm having something

that none of your other callers have.

What's that, your sanity?

No. Your diary.

What? Who is this?

All in good time, my little elusive friend.

And if you're ever wanting to see your diary again,

you'll be meeting me at Ripley's Odditorium

at high noon.

How do I know this isn't a crank call?

Have you been vacuuming under your couch lately?

[shuddering]

Excuse me.

[nervous chuckle]

Kyle: Psst. Hey. In here,

where we're less likely to be heard.

Oh.

Are you the lunatic who stole my diary?

You mean...this?

Yes.

Hey, you look kinda familiar. Do I know you?

No.

You didn't read the diary, did you?

Yes. I decoded it,

and I read every word.

Oh, I feel so naked.

And you know what? It didn't tell me diddly.

I know all about your happy childhood,

your countless jobs, your idiotic fantasies,

your stupid bath mat.

Stop! Stop! I can't hear anymore!

I know everything about you, Pat,

everything except the one thing I must know.

What else is there to know?

Take off your clothes.

What? You're nothing but a pervert.

Don't you see?

We were meant for each other.

We're like two complementary pieces

in the crazy jigsaw puzzle of love.

I just need to know how we fit together.

Ohh...

By uncovering the secret of you,

I uncover the secret of myself.

Kyle!

Now take off your clothes

if you ever want to see your diary alive again.

Ouggh.

No!

Where are you?

Pat!

Oh, Pat! Uh-oh! I see you.

Help! I'm being chased by a crazed doppelganger

who's reading my diary!

[laughing]

Ohh!

♪ ...of your creator ♪

♪ Stare into the lion's eyes ♪

♪ And if you taste the candy ♪

♪ You'll get to the surprise ♪

Kyle: Pat!

Hi.

Pat.

Don't run. You know you want me.

Surrender, my sweet.

[giggling]

Kyle, you just don't take a hint, do you?

Come to Papa, my little love dumpling.

Kyle, for the last time, you're not my type.

Don't-- Don't-- Don't say that, Pat.

Don't say that.

- We should be as one. - Ohh...

You and I. Huh?

- Kyle. - Pat.

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh, no!

- Pat! - Aah!

Help!

♪ Don't get too close to my fantasy ♪

♪ Don't be afraid ♪

♪ To touch the hand of your creator ♪

♪ Stare into the lion's eyes ♪

Hold on.

♪ And if you taste the candy ♪

♪ You'll get to the surprise ♪

♪ Oh, don't get too close to my fantasy ♪

[silence]

[chuckling]

[cheering]

Hey, buddy, what do you think you're doing out here?

No, no. Okay, I give up. Uncle, uncle, uncle.

Ahem. Then perhaps you could just tell me,

if that naked person is a man or a woman.

Show's over, weirdo. Come on.

No!

Pat!

Ohh...

Just one minute, Pat. We'll have this all stitched up.

Thank you.

Pat, can I tell you something?

We admire your persistence and your creativity,

but we meant it when we said

we only needed you for one show.

That's all right.

I'm tired of people looking at me.

I learned something about myself

when I was out there naked:

what it feels like to be naked

in front of lots of people.

I've had enough adulation.

I was happier when there was only one person

who stared at me when I was naked.

Oh, my God.

Chris.

Ohh!

Gladys Knight: ♪ I've had my share ♪

♪ Of life's ups and downs ♪

♪ But fate's been kind ♪

♪ The downs have been few ♪

♪ I guess you could say ♪

♪ That I've been lucky ♪

♪ Oh, I guess you could say ♪

♪ That it's all because of you ♪

♪ If anyone ♪

♪ Should ever write ♪

♪ My life story ♪

Pips: ♪ For whatever ♪

♪ For whatever reason there might be ♪

♪ Ooh, you'd be there ♪

♪ Between each line of pain and glory ♪

♪ 'Cause you're the best thing ♪

♪ The best thing that ever happened ♪

♪ That ever happened to me ♪

Chris!

♪ ...that ever happened to me ♪

Chris!

♪ You're the best thing ♪

Chris!

♪ That ever happened to me ♪

♪ You're the best thing that ever happened to me ♪

♪ I know, you're the best... ♪

Excuse me. Someone named Chris.

Chris! Chris!

To Paris? All right.

Excuse me? Have you seen Chris?

Have you seen Chris? Chris!

Pat. I--

Hi.

Listen, I've been thinking about our relationship,

about everything we've gone through

and everything I said and how I behaved,

and I realized that

you need me!

I'm sorry, Pat. I have to go now.

But, Chris, I've had an epiphany

in front of thousands of people...

naked.

What?

I don't want fame and fortune. I want you.

You do, huh?

It's lonely at the top.

I miss having someone around

who loves dinner as much as I do.

And sunny days?

Chris, I'm really sorry.

Pat.

You've never said that before.

I just want to be your spouse.

I just want to be like a typical American.

I want to settle down and have a house

and 1.8 kids and lead a life of quiet desperation,

like these people here.

Come on, Chris, let's do it.

Oh, Pat.

Chris.

I guess my life is just one big romantic cliché:

boy meets girl, girl loses boy,

boy annoys girl, girl wants boy to act differently,

girl-- Well, you know, the same old story.

For richer or poorer.

For richer or poorer.

For as long as you both shall live.

You may kiss each other.

[cheering, applause]

Plato once said that the unexamined life

is not worth living. Well, I agree.

It wasn't until I took a long, hard look at my own life

that I realized what I really am:

I'm me!

It's not what you do that matters.

It's who you are.

And only then did I discover the truth.

Chris is my other half,

and together we make a whole.

I finally found a yin to go with my yang.

Or is that yang to go with my yin?

Well, in any case, I'm so lucky to be me.

[chuckling]

Hi, this is Kathy Griffin,

and yes, I'm back on "Love Chat."

my guest today is Kyle,

who's gone through some love changes recently.

Now, Kyle, you are a transvestite, is that correct?

Well, um, Kathy, I'm dressed as a woman at the moment,

but I also like to dress like a man

sometimes.

Okay, well, do your sexual fantasies change,

depending on how you're dressed?

No. No, no, I always fantasize about the same...

person.

♪ [piano]

♪ A lot of people say "What's that?"

♪ It's Pat ♪

♪ Ma'am or a sir ♪

♪ Accept him or her ♪

♪ For whatever it might be ♪

♪ It's time for androgyny ♪

♪ Here comes Pat ♪