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789
00:34:21,324 --> 00:34:22,627
[chuckling]
790
00:34:24,328 --> 00:34:26,130
You know, Pat,
I wanted to tell you
791
00:34:26,163 --> 00:34:29,300
that the camera
really loves you.
792
00:34:29,333 --> 00:34:31,302
I mean, really, really--
793
00:34:31,335 --> 00:34:32,503
[cork pops]
794
00:34:32,536 --> 00:34:33,704
...loves you.
795
00:34:33,737 --> 00:34:35,339
Well, it's true
796
00:34:35,371 --> 00:34:37,241
I've always been
exceptionally photogenic.
797
00:34:37,274 --> 00:34:38,442
[chuckling]
798
00:34:38,475 --> 00:34:40,377
Ahh.
799
00:34:40,409 --> 00:34:43,714
A toast, then, to...
800
00:34:43,746 --> 00:34:47,484
to America's newest
superstar.
801
00:34:47,518 --> 00:34:48,786
[ding]
802
00:34:51,255 --> 00:34:53,724
Oh, this bubbly goes
straight to my head.
803
00:34:53,757 --> 00:34:55,092
Careful.
804
00:35:06,703 --> 00:35:09,473
Well, I don't really
feel like dancing, Kyle.
805
00:35:09,506 --> 00:35:11,274
Of course not.
806
00:35:11,308 --> 00:35:13,144
You must be...
807
00:35:13,177 --> 00:35:16,147
awfully exhausted
808
00:35:16,180 --> 00:35:18,682
after
such an exciting day.
809
00:35:18,715 --> 00:35:20,451
Well, it was on TV.
810
00:35:20,484 --> 00:35:21,852
I'm the luckiest man
in the world
811
00:35:21,885 --> 00:35:24,288
to be able to share
this moment with you, Pat.
812
00:35:24,321 --> 00:35:25,623
Kyle.
813
00:35:25,656 --> 00:35:26,891
Wow.
814
00:35:26,924 --> 00:35:28,759
Whoo.
815
00:35:28,792 --> 00:35:32,163
Is it hot in here,
or is it just me?
816
00:35:32,196 --> 00:35:34,865
Why don't you just loosen
up a little bit, Pat?
817
00:35:34,898 --> 00:35:37,168
Maybe we could,
uh, have some fun.
818
00:35:37,201 --> 00:35:40,504
Okay, I think I understand
what's going on here, Kyle.
819
00:35:40,537 --> 00:35:42,705
You got the wrong
impression about me.
820
00:35:42,739 --> 00:35:44,909
I mean, I like you
as a friend, okay?
821
00:35:44,942 --> 00:35:46,343
A friend.
822
00:35:46,376 --> 00:35:47,678
To tell you the truth,
823
00:35:47,711 --> 00:35:49,479
you're not exactly my type,
824
00:35:49,513 --> 00:35:51,781
if you know
what I'm saying.
825
00:35:51,815 --> 00:35:54,552
Plus, Kyle, you're married,
and I'm engaged,
826
00:35:54,585 --> 00:35:58,522
so... Oh, Kyle,
this is just embarrassing.
827
00:35:58,555 --> 00:35:59,757
I'm gonna go.
828
00:36:08,899 --> 00:36:12,903
Oh, sweet mystery that is Pat.
829
00:36:12,936 --> 00:36:15,272
"Why don't you
loosen up a little?"
830
00:36:15,305 --> 00:36:16,839
The guy needs therapy.
831
00:36:16,873 --> 00:36:18,576
Pat, you were, uh...
832
00:36:18,609 --> 00:36:19,744
Hi. Thank you.
833
00:36:21,378 --> 00:36:22,513
Thank you.
834
00:36:24,014 --> 00:36:26,584
Kathy,
so what did you think?
835
00:36:26,617 --> 00:36:30,888
Well, uh, it was so much
like the engagement party.
836
00:36:30,921 --> 00:36:32,522
It was
just like being there.
837
00:36:32,556 --> 00:36:34,258
I knew you'd love it.
838
00:36:34,291 --> 00:36:37,261
Hey, we have a celebrity
in the building!
839
00:36:37,294 --> 00:36:39,730
Me! [chuckling]
840
00:36:39,763 --> 00:36:41,732
I was brilliant.
841
00:36:41,765 --> 00:36:43,500
I know now that I was born
842
00:36:43,533 --> 00:36:45,903
to bring joy into
the lives of millions.
843
00:36:45,936 --> 00:36:47,371
[ring]
844
00:36:47,404 --> 00:36:49,673
Hello.
TV's Pat speaking.
845
00:36:49,706 --> 00:36:51,642
Chris: Hi. Hi, it's me.
846
00:36:51,675 --> 00:36:54,612
Uh, you were really great
on the show tonight.
847
00:36:54,645 --> 00:36:56,447
I know.
848
00:36:56,480 --> 00:36:58,782
Uh, look, Pat, uh,
849
00:36:58,815 --> 00:37:01,252
I'm really sorry
about earlier.
850
00:37:01,285 --> 00:37:02,953
Well, I understand
851
00:37:02,986 --> 00:37:05,656
how you can get
overemotional sometimes.
852
00:37:05,689 --> 00:37:07,391
No biggie.
853
00:37:07,424 --> 00:37:11,528
You know, Pat, you really
should follow your dreams.
854
00:37:11,561 --> 00:37:14,765
But, you know, maybe you
should just pick one dream
855
00:37:14,798 --> 00:37:16,667
and follow it, okay?
856
00:37:16,700 --> 00:37:17,868
Okay.
857
00:37:17,901 --> 00:37:20,604
So we're in love again,
right?
858
00:37:20,637 --> 00:37:21,939
Oh, Pat.
859
00:37:21,972 --> 00:37:24,375
We were never out of love.
860
00:37:24,408 --> 00:37:26,844
Oh, Chris, you believed
in me all along.
861
00:37:28,812 --> 00:37:30,047
Psst, Pat.
862
00:37:30,080 --> 00:37:31,448
Sorry. I have to go.
863
00:37:31,481 --> 00:37:32,716
There's somebody
at the window.
864
00:37:32,749 --> 00:37:33,984
[dial tone]
865
00:37:34,017 --> 00:37:38,656
Pat, you're
a wonderful person.
866
00:37:38,689 --> 00:37:40,857
All right, Kyle,
listen, uh,
867
00:37:40,891 --> 00:37:42,293
I have to go to bed.
868
00:37:42,326 --> 00:37:43,494
I'll talk to you later.
869
00:37:43,527 --> 00:37:44,895
Don't close the door
on my hand! Aah!
870
00:37:44,928 --> 00:37:46,263
[crash]
871
00:37:54,504 --> 00:37:56,740
Hey, weren't you
on TV last night?
872
00:37:56,773 --> 00:37:58,842
Yes, I was.
873
00:37:58,875 --> 00:38:00,911
Can we talk to you
for a minute?
874
00:38:00,944 --> 00:38:02,479
Okay.
875
00:38:02,512 --> 00:38:03,881
Pat, aren't you?
876
00:38:03,914 --> 00:38:05,449
Aw, who wants to know?
877
00:38:05,482 --> 00:38:07,017
Oh, we're Ween.
878
00:38:07,050 --> 00:38:08,452
What's a ween?
879
00:38:08,485 --> 00:38:09,853
We're a band, you know.
880
00:38:09,886 --> 00:38:11,455
That's Gene Ween,
and I'm Dean Ween.
881
00:38:11,488 --> 00:38:13,424
You know, like
Simon and Garfunkel,
882
00:38:13,457 --> 00:38:14,625
Peaches and Herb.
883
00:38:14,658 --> 00:38:15,859
It's kind of sad
884
00:38:15,892 --> 00:38:17,627
you got stuck with that name.
885
00:38:17,661 --> 00:38:19,697
Yeah, anyway, we're
doing a gig tonight,
886
00:38:19,730 --> 00:38:20,964
and we were wondering
if you wanted
887
00:38:20,997 --> 00:38:22,533
to come out and play.
888
00:38:22,566 --> 00:38:24,567
Great! I'm in a band!
889
00:38:24,601 --> 00:38:27,404
I hopped aboard that bus
890
00:38:27,437 --> 00:38:30,775
knowing I was on the road
to fame and fortune.
891
00:38:34,745 --> 00:38:37,481
[chanting]
Ween! Ween! Ween! Ween!
892
00:38:37,514 --> 00:38:39,984
Ween! Ween! Ween! Ween!
893
00:38:41,518 --> 00:38:42,787
One minute, Pat.
894
00:38:45,756 --> 00:38:47,857
Don't mind the cameras,
Pat.
895
00:38:47,891 --> 00:38:50,027
Do your thing, and you'll
look great in the video.
896
00:38:50,060 --> 00:38:51,395
Thank you.
897
00:38:52,996 --> 00:38:54,365
Pat.
898
00:38:54,398 --> 00:38:55,733
How exciting.
899
00:38:55,766 --> 00:38:58,469
Just think, all those
thousands of people
900
00:38:58,502 --> 00:39:00,770
looking at me
and only at me.
901
00:39:00,804 --> 00:39:04,041
All of them watching
and waiting for me
902
00:39:04,074 --> 00:39:06,510
to fill their lives
with meaning.
903
00:39:11,982 --> 00:39:13,450
Pat, you okay?
904
00:39:13,483 --> 00:39:14,885
Where's my axe?
905
00:39:14,918 --> 00:39:16,553
Your instrument's
set on stage.
906
00:39:16,586 --> 00:39:17,821
- All right.
- Knock 'em dead.
907
00:39:17,854 --> 00:39:19,056
Thank you.
908
00:39:19,089 --> 00:39:21,392
Ween! Ween! Ween!
909
00:39:21,425 --> 00:39:22,626
[cheering]
910
00:39:22,659 --> 00:39:24,729
Pat, we're Ween.
911
00:39:27,898 --> 00:39:31,635
[high voices]
♪ When you've had your fun ♪
912
00:39:31,668 --> 00:39:34,772
♪ And your work is done ♪
913
00:39:34,805 --> 00:39:39,009
♪ You must not succumb ♪
914
00:39:41,077 --> 00:39:43,881
♪ I can feel you breathe ♪
915
00:39:45,849 --> 00:39:49,820
♪ At least I can make
a Norwegian side ♪
916
00:39:49,853 --> 00:39:54,691
♪ Please don't hide ♪
917
00:39:54,724 --> 00:39:56,560
♪ So, Mom, if you please ♪
918
00:39:56,593 --> 00:39:59,096
♪ Pass me the pork roll,
egg, and cheese ♪
919
00:39:59,129 --> 00:40:02,165
♪ If you please,
on a Kaiser bun ♪
920
00:40:04,601 --> 00:40:05,936
♪ Mom, if you please ♪
921
00:40:05,969 --> 00:40:08,071
♪ Pass me the pork roll,
egg, and cheese ♪
922
00:40:08,104 --> 00:40:11,841
♪ If you please,
on a Kaiser bun ♪
923
00:40:14,711 --> 00:40:15,913
Hi. Thank you.
924
00:40:17,781 --> 00:40:19,983
Hey, you were incredible
tonight, Pat.
925
00:40:20,016 --> 00:40:21,152
Oh, you thought so, too?
926
00:40:22,953 --> 00:40:24,721
Pat, great show.
927
00:40:24,754 --> 00:40:26,589
Yeah, you were amazing.
928
00:40:26,623 --> 00:40:29,126
Well, the tuba is a sadly
overlooked instrument.
929
00:40:29,159 --> 00:40:31,128
Care for a mushroom?
930
00:40:31,161 --> 00:40:33,931
Oh, hey, I don't know
what's in these.
931
00:40:33,964 --> 00:40:35,966
These could be
psychedelic, right?
932
00:40:35,999 --> 00:40:37,935
Oh, I know about these
music industry parties:
933
00:40:37,968 --> 00:40:39,970
sex, drugs, and rock 'n' roll.
934
00:40:40,003 --> 00:40:41,439
Woo-hoo!
935
00:40:44,174 --> 00:40:45,976
[sitar music]
936
00:40:52,682 --> 00:40:54,517
[groaning]
937
00:40:59,189 --> 00:41:01,658
I see trails...
938
00:41:01,691 --> 00:41:04,727
the realistic pillows.
939
00:41:06,296 --> 00:41:11,935
Gene, you have a polka-dot
monkey on your nose.
940
00:41:11,968 --> 00:41:15,071
Pat, those aren't
hallucinogenic
mushrooms.
941
00:41:15,105 --> 00:41:16,507
They're from Safeway.
942
00:41:17,874 --> 00:41:20,009
Oh.
943
00:41:20,043 --> 00:41:22,713
Hey, you guys,
I played with the Ween!
944
00:41:22,746 --> 00:41:23,981
- What?
- Ohh.
945
00:41:24,014 --> 00:41:25,216
Gross.
946
00:41:26,283 --> 00:41:27,750
I played with the Ween!
947
00:41:28,919 --> 00:41:31,555
Hey,
I played with the Ween!
948
00:41:31,588 --> 00:41:33,557
Hey, everybody!
949
00:41:33,590 --> 00:41:36,160
I can't believe
you did this!
950
00:41:39,296 --> 00:41:40,931
I want a divorce.
951
00:41:45,201 --> 00:41:47,204
[playing "Three Blind Mice"]
952
00:41:59,249 --> 00:42:00,584
Ohh!
953
00:42:10,727 --> 00:42:11,862
Ahem!
954
00:42:13,229 --> 00:42:14,732
Mm-hmm.
955
00:42:20,003 --> 00:42:21,572
Hey, dudes!
956
00:42:21,605 --> 00:42:24,708
Well, just another gig.
957
00:42:24,741 --> 00:42:26,843
Are you ready
to rock 'n' roll?
958
00:42:26,876 --> 00:42:28,712
Hey, Pat, what's up?
959
00:42:28,745 --> 00:42:31,315
Just getting ready
for the next gig.
960
00:42:31,348 --> 00:42:35,719
Oh. Pat, I think there's
been a misunderstanding.
961
00:42:35,752 --> 00:42:37,621
We just wanted to get
some footage of you
962
00:42:37,654 --> 00:42:38,822
for our next video.
963
00:42:38,855 --> 00:42:40,190
You were great
and everything,
964
00:42:40,223 --> 00:42:41,725
but that's
all we needed.
965
00:42:41,758 --> 00:42:43,026
Well, maybe I should go out
966
00:42:43,059 --> 00:42:45,128
as a surprise
bonus attraction.
967
00:42:45,161 --> 00:42:47,831
No, it's too late
to change the lineup.
968
00:42:49,265 --> 00:42:51,067
Well, maybe I could
just jam with the band
969
00:42:51,101 --> 00:42:53,070
as a special celebrity guest.
970
00:42:53,103 --> 00:42:56,206
We appreciate that,
but we just can't do it.
971
00:43:02,012 --> 00:43:03,680
I'll perform for free.
972
00:43:03,713 --> 00:43:05,983
I'm sorry, Pat.
Not tonight.
973
00:43:07,350 --> 00:43:08,884
Okey-dokey.
974
00:43:08,918 --> 00:43:10,054
Well...
975
00:43:11,254 --> 00:43:12,956
see you at the next gig.
976
00:43:12,989 --> 00:43:14,291
Pat, try to understand
977
00:43:14,324 --> 00:43:15,792
we booked you for just
one performance.
978
00:43:15,825 --> 00:43:17,894
That's all.
We were filming a video.
979
00:43:17,927 --> 00:43:19,963
Didn't you read the contract
we gave you to sign?
980
00:43:19,996 --> 00:43:22,165
Well, yes, of course I did,
981
00:43:22,198 --> 00:43:25,268
but I can hardly be expected
to read all the fine print.
982
00:43:25,301 --> 00:43:27,337
I mean, I just
naturally assumed
983
00:43:27,370 --> 00:43:29,072
that I would go
on tour with you
984
00:43:29,105 --> 00:43:31,975
and then I would get
a record contract of my own
985
00:43:32,008 --> 00:43:34,211
and have a fabulous
music career.
986
00:43:34,244 --> 00:43:36,813
Isn't that standard contract?
987
00:43:36,846 --> 00:43:38,716
No, not as such.
988
00:43:41,017 --> 00:43:43,219
You guys were
nothing without me!
989
00:43:47,090 --> 00:43:49,092
I hate show biz!
990
00:43:49,125 --> 00:43:51,094
It's a cutthroat industry!
991
00:43:51,127 --> 00:43:52,696
Aw, I know, hon, I know.
992
00:43:52,729 --> 00:43:54,897
All I am to them
is a body, an image!
993
00:43:54,931 --> 00:43:56,199
I understand.
994
00:43:56,232 --> 00:43:57,868
To them I'm just
a piece of meat
995
00:43:57,901 --> 00:44:00,136
to be chewed up
and spit out!
996
00:44:00,170 --> 00:44:01,338
[sobbing]
997
00:44:01,371 --> 00:44:02,739
Oh, Pat.
998
00:44:02,772 --> 00:44:04,141
Maybe
it's all for the best.
999
00:44:04,174 --> 00:44:06,810
Feel sorrier for me!
1000
00:44:06,843 --> 00:44:08,944
How can I feel sorry for you
1001
00:44:08,978 --> 00:44:10,947
when you feel
so sorry for yourself?
1002
00:44:10,980 --> 00:44:12,916
I miss my career.
1003
00:44:12,949 --> 00:44:14,751
[whining]
1004
00:44:14,784 --> 00:44:16,319
I miss the limelight
1005
00:44:16,352 --> 00:44:19,089
and the adulation
of thousands!
1006
00:44:19,122 --> 00:44:22,993
Oh, Pat, being famous
and having a career,
1007
00:44:23,026 --> 00:44:25,194
they're-- they're
not the same thing.
1008
00:44:25,228 --> 00:44:27,397
What are you talking about?
1009
00:44:27,430 --> 00:44:30,000
Well, a career implies
having a skill.
1010
00:44:30,033 --> 00:44:31,234
You think I'm untalented!
1011
00:44:31,267 --> 00:44:32,769
No, I don't.
1012
00:44:32,802 --> 00:44:34,404
I'll show you!
I'm a renaissance person!
1013
00:44:34,437 --> 00:44:36,006
I don't understand
why you insist
1014
00:44:36,039 --> 00:44:37,741
on blowing this thing
so out of proportion.
1015
00:44:37,774 --> 00:44:39,409
I don't think you know
what you want out of life.
1016
00:44:39,442 --> 00:44:43,013
I just want fame and riches.
Is that too much to ask?
1017
00:44:43,046 --> 00:44:45,115
Oh, Pat.
1018
00:44:45,148 --> 00:44:49,820
Those are the goals
of an empty soul, Pat...
1019
00:44:49,853 --> 00:44:52,889
one that I frankly
do not want to spend
1020
00:44:52,922 --> 00:44:54,858
a whole lot of time with,
so--
1021
00:44:54,891 --> 00:44:56,493
And you're not being
supportive enough!
1022
00:44:56,526 --> 00:44:58,928
I need something
for me right now!
1023
00:45:00,930 --> 00:45:02,466
Come on.
1024
00:45:03,800 --> 00:45:04,935
No.
1025
00:45:06,102 --> 00:45:07,837
Well, I'm not gonna beg.
1026
00:45:11,307 --> 00:45:13,109
Where am I?
1027
00:45:13,143 --> 00:45:16,179
What kind of spell
have I been under, Pat?
1028
00:45:16,212 --> 00:45:18,482
I mean, you and I
are clearly
1029
00:45:18,515 --> 00:45:21,017
fundamentally incompatible,
1030
00:45:21,050 --> 00:45:22,419
and I just think--
1031
00:45:22,452 --> 00:45:24,755
I think we should
call it quits, Pat.
1032
00:45:24,788 --> 00:45:28,325
I think it's...
over between us,
1033
00:45:28,358 --> 00:45:30,894
and, uh,
I should be going.
1034
00:45:30,927 --> 00:45:32,396
Goodbye, Pat.
1035
00:45:34,831 --> 00:45:36,100
[sobbing]
1036
00:45:40,403 --> 00:45:41,971
Dear Diary:
1037
00:45:42,005 --> 00:45:44,174
I am at the lowest
point in my life.
1038
00:45:44,207 --> 00:45:46,176
First my music
career was sabotaged,
1039
00:45:46,209 --> 00:45:47,877
and then Chris
became unreasonable,
1040
00:45:47,911 --> 00:45:50,147
and I had to break off
our engagement.
1041
00:45:50,180 --> 00:45:52,549
Thank goodness I still
have you, Dear Diary,
1042
00:45:52,582 --> 00:45:55,152
a confidante to whom
I can bare my soul's
most secret yearnings
1043
00:45:55,185 --> 00:45:58,455
and vulnerable feelings.
1044
00:45:58,488 --> 00:46:00,190
Oh, well, I'm sure everything
1045
00:46:00,223 --> 00:46:01,958
will look better
in the morning.
1046
00:46:01,991 --> 00:46:03,227
Ohh...
1047
00:46:08,998 --> 00:46:10,334
[bottles rattle]
1048
00:46:11,968 --> 00:46:14,370
You're a stupid lettuce-head.
1049
00:46:14,404 --> 00:46:16,907
Oh, no!
1050
00:46:20,443 --> 00:46:22,246
[humming]
1051
00:46:27,483 --> 00:46:29,352
You're all wet, Pat.
1052
00:46:29,385 --> 00:46:31,822
Ohh!
1053
00:46:36,960 --> 00:46:38,162
Ohh...
1054
00:46:42,465 --> 00:46:44,401
I'm being haunted
by the specter
1055
00:46:44,434 --> 00:46:46,303
of my former lover.
1056
00:46:46,336 --> 00:46:49,973
I should record
that dream in my diary.
1057
00:46:53,109 --> 00:46:56,580
No! My laptop!
1058
00:46:56,613 --> 00:46:59,015
Ohh! Ohh!
1059
00:47:03,319 --> 00:47:05,922
My diary's been stolen!
1060
00:47:05,955 --> 00:47:08,290
Ohh! Help!
1061
00:47:08,324 --> 00:47:10,193
Oh, Kyle!
1062
00:47:10,226 --> 00:47:12,429
Kyle! Ohh!
1063
00:47:12,462 --> 00:47:13,930
Oh, madness!
1064
00:47:13,963 --> 00:47:16,600
Oh, my diary's been stolen!
1065
00:47:16,633 --> 00:47:18,335
My diary's been stolen!
1066
00:47:18,368 --> 00:47:19,603
Oh, no.
1067
00:47:19,636 --> 00:47:21,338
Kyle,
at this very moment,
1068
00:47:21,371 --> 00:47:23,540
some diabolical cat burglar
could be reading
1069
00:47:23,573 --> 00:47:26,408
the most intimate
details of my private life!
1070
00:47:26,442 --> 00:47:28,245
Kyle!
1071
00:47:28,278 --> 00:47:29,613
That's terrible, Pat.
1072
00:47:31,314 --> 00:47:33,350
Hey, I have frames
just like those.
1073
00:47:35,351 --> 00:47:37,020
Wait a minute, Pat.
1074
00:47:37,053 --> 00:47:38,321
Don't you need a password
1075
00:47:38,354 --> 00:47:41,024
to gain access
to the diary itself?
1076
00:47:41,057 --> 00:47:43,560
Yes. Yes, I do.
1077
00:47:43,593 --> 00:47:45,962
And what was
that password again?
1078
00:47:45,995 --> 00:47:47,998
I would never tell that
to anyone.
1079
00:47:48,031 --> 00:47:50,100
Not even a closest friend,
a nearby neighbor,
1080
00:47:50,133 --> 00:47:51,301
somebody that can--
1081
00:47:51,334 --> 00:47:52,502
Well,
I'll give you a hint.
1082
00:47:52,535 --> 00:47:54,203
It's in the dictionary.
1083
00:47:56,239 --> 00:47:58,208
Ohh, all right, Kyle.
1084
00:47:58,241 --> 00:48:00,443
I feel a little bit better.
1085
00:48:00,476 --> 00:48:01,912
Good.
1086
00:48:01,945 --> 00:48:03,480
Okay, I got to go.
1087
00:48:03,513 --> 00:48:05,115
Mm-hmm. Okay.
1088
00:48:12,655 --> 00:48:14,024
Hmm.
1089
00:48:18,127 --> 00:48:19,596
[buzzing]
1090
00:48:19,629 --> 00:48:21,197
[Pat's voice]
Access denied.
1091
00:48:21,230 --> 00:48:22,699
[chuckling]
1092
00:48:22,732 --> 00:48:24,368
It was worth a try anyway.
1093
00:48:37,046 --> 00:48:38,181
A.
1094
00:48:41,250 --> 00:48:42,386
[buzzing]
1095
00:48:46,656 --> 00:48:47,991
Dick.
1096
00:48:50,994 --> 00:48:52,362
[buzzing]
1097
00:48:55,098 --> 00:48:59,202
I will know your secrets,
my love.
1098
00:48:59,235 --> 00:49:04,040
I will possess you utterly.
1099
00:49:04,073 --> 00:49:05,709
Whoever had stolen my diary
1100
00:49:05,742 --> 00:49:07,677
had left few clues behind,
1101
00:49:07,710 --> 00:49:09,279
and I was soon on the trail,
1102
00:49:09,312 --> 00:49:11,181
sniffing out leads.
1103
00:49:11,214 --> 00:49:12,982
Hey, dudes.
1104
00:49:13,016 --> 00:49:15,552
Any of you guys
steal anything lately?
1105
00:49:15,585 --> 00:49:18,254
What are you talking about?
1106
00:49:18,287 --> 00:49:21,057
Like my laptop diary.
1107
00:49:21,090 --> 00:49:23,460
It's been stolen,
and I want it back.
1108
00:49:23,493 --> 00:49:26,062
What the hell
are you anyway?
1109
00:49:26,095 --> 00:49:28,198
Oh, I know
what you're thinking.
1110
00:49:28,231 --> 00:49:30,700
Am I a Crip
or am I a Blood?
1111
00:49:30,733 --> 00:49:33,470
No. What we want to know
1112
00:49:33,503 --> 00:49:36,139
is are you a brother
or a sister?
1113
00:49:36,172 --> 00:49:37,340
- Word.
- Yeah.
1114
00:49:37,373 --> 00:49:38,608
Well, I'm an only child.
1115
00:49:38,641 --> 00:49:41,778
There's a word
for what you are.
1116
00:49:41,811 --> 00:49:43,246
Charismatic?
1117
00:49:44,747 --> 00:49:48,551
Spike, what is the word
I'm looking for?
1118
00:49:50,053 --> 00:49:51,520
Androgynous.
1119
00:49:51,554 --> 00:49:53,023
- Yeah.
- That's it.
1120
00:49:53,056 --> 00:49:55,525
Oh, that's right.
Androgynous.
1121
00:49:55,558 --> 00:49:57,594
That's what everyone
says about me.
1122
00:49:57,627 --> 00:50:00,630
Good old androgynous Pat.
1123
00:50:00,663 --> 00:50:03,199
Pat's always cheerful
1124
00:50:03,232 --> 00:50:05,602
and androgynous
with everybody.
1125
00:50:05,635 --> 00:50:08,405
So what the hell are you?
1126
00:50:08,438 --> 00:50:12,509
A man or a woman?
1127
00:50:16,179 --> 00:50:17,614
Ohh...
1128
00:50:18,681 --> 00:50:21,251
Ohh! Ohh!
1129
00:50:21,284 --> 00:50:25,088
What the hell was that?
1130
00:50:45,741 --> 00:50:47,110
Hmm.
1131
00:50:53,449 --> 00:50:54,584
Ohh!
1132
00:51:08,764 --> 00:51:11,301
May I help you
with something?
1133
00:51:11,334 --> 00:51:13,269
I need a makeover, pronto!
1134
00:51:13,302 --> 00:51:14,571
Makeover.
1135
00:51:14,604 --> 00:51:16,705
Yes, I need to look more
like my own gender.
1136
00:51:16,739 --> 00:51:18,308
You know what I'm saying,
Gunther.
1137
00:51:18,341 --> 00:51:20,877
Oh...kay.
1138
00:51:20,910 --> 00:51:22,479
Let's go.
1139
00:51:28,317 --> 00:51:30,320
Fantastic.
1140
00:51:31,888 --> 00:51:33,623
I don't think so.
1141
00:51:35,725 --> 00:51:38,394
Oh, that's
quite flattering.
1142
00:51:38,427 --> 00:51:40,130
You've got to be kidding.
1143
00:51:41,597 --> 00:51:42,765
The minimalist.
1144
00:51:42,798 --> 00:51:44,734
[speeded-up chatter]
1145
00:51:46,636 --> 00:51:49,172
That's it! It's me!
1146
00:51:49,205 --> 00:51:51,241
Oh, I love my new look!
1147
00:51:51,274 --> 00:51:53,442
Oh, you're a genius,
Gunther.
1148
00:51:53,476 --> 00:51:55,679
All in a day's work
for Gunther.
1149
00:51:57,346 --> 00:51:59,482
I may have looked fabulous
on the outside,
1150
00:51:59,515 --> 00:52:01,750
but inside I was a mess.
1151
00:52:01,784 --> 00:52:04,487
At a time like this,
I needed a friend.
1152
00:52:04,520 --> 00:52:07,324
I needed my best friend.
1153
00:52:12,195 --> 00:52:15,165
Man on phone:
I mean, he was-- he was
looking at me funny,
1154
00:52:15,198 --> 00:52:17,299
and I had the gun
in my hand,
1155
00:52:17,333 --> 00:52:19,802
so-- so I-- I shot him.
1156
00:52:19,835 --> 00:52:21,871
Well, anger is nothing
more than hurt
1157
00:52:21,904 --> 00:52:23,606
that hasn't been dealt with.
1158
00:52:23,639 --> 00:52:25,642
You need to work on healing
your inner child, okay?
1159
00:52:25,675 --> 00:52:27,243
I want you to have
a 20-minute conversation
1160
00:52:27,276 --> 00:52:28,544
with your inner child
every day.
1161
00:52:28,578 --> 00:52:30,213
And remember, no fighting.
1162
00:52:30,246 --> 00:52:31,915
All right, so let me know
how things go.
1163
00:52:31,948 --> 00:52:33,516
Okay, great,
we're going to pause here
1164
00:52:33,549 --> 00:52:34,884
to pay some bills.
1165
00:52:34,917 --> 00:52:36,486
I'm Kathy Griffin
on "Love Chat."
1166
00:52:37,687 --> 00:52:38,855
Pat.
1167
00:52:38,888 --> 00:52:40,256
Hi, Kathy.
How you doing?
1168
00:52:40,289 --> 00:52:41,558
What are you doing?
1169
00:52:41,591 --> 00:52:42,859
I'm working, Pat.
1170
00:52:42,892 --> 00:52:45,595
Oh. Listen, I need a job.
Can you get me one?
1171
00:52:45,628 --> 00:52:47,764
Okay, well, why would I
get you a job?
1172
00:52:47,797 --> 00:52:49,832
Have you forgotten who set
the clock on your VCR?
1173
00:52:49,865 --> 00:52:51,868
That thing would be flashing
from here to Tuesday
1174
00:52:51,901 --> 00:52:53,336
if it weren't for me.
1175
00:52:53,369 --> 00:52:55,338
Oh, right. Look, Pat,
1176
00:52:55,371 --> 00:52:57,240
I'm trying to do
a little show here, okay?
1177
00:52:57,273 --> 00:52:58,641
Maybe we could talk
about this later.
1178
00:52:58,674 --> 00:53:00,643
Kathy, this isn't
about you right now.
1179
00:53:00,676 --> 00:53:02,478
This is about me.
1180
00:53:02,511 --> 00:53:04,614
What am I gonna do?
1181
00:53:06,382 --> 00:53:07,984
Security!
1182
00:53:08,017 --> 00:53:10,386
Oh, great!
1183
00:53:10,419 --> 00:53:12,589
Do I get to wear a uniform?
1184
00:53:12,622 --> 00:53:15,524
[phone rings]
1185
00:53:15,558 --> 00:53:16,859
[ring]
1186
00:53:16,892 --> 00:53:18,928
[ring]
1187
00:53:18,961 --> 00:53:21,363
[ring]
1188
00:53:21,397 --> 00:53:23,600
[ring]
1189
00:53:23,633 --> 00:53:25,468
Hello.
1190
00:53:25,501 --> 00:53:28,338
Woman: I'm having an affair
with my next door neighbor.
1191
00:53:28,371 --> 00:53:31,374
I feel terrible about it.
Who can I talk to?
1192
00:53:31,407 --> 00:53:33,343
Well, try your husband.
1193
00:53:36,345 --> 00:53:38,281
[ring]
1194
00:53:38,314 --> 00:53:39,949
Phone's ringing!
1195
00:53:39,982 --> 00:53:41,918
[ring]
1196
00:53:41,951 --> 00:53:44,287
[ring]
1197
00:53:44,320 --> 00:53:46,889
What do you want?
1198
00:53:46,922 --> 00:53:48,491
I would like this individual
1199
00:53:48,524 --> 00:53:49,892
escorted from the building,
please.
1200
00:53:49,925 --> 00:53:51,794
Uh, just a second.
I want to hear this.
1201
00:53:51,827 --> 00:53:53,529
I have no idea
what you're talking about.
1202
00:53:53,562 --> 00:53:54,998
Oh, my God.
1203
00:53:55,031 --> 00:53:57,400
Pat is taking calls
on the air?
1204
00:53:57,433 --> 00:53:58,701
I know.
1205
00:53:58,734 --> 00:54:00,270
Well, go to commercial.
Pull the plug.
1206
00:54:00,303 --> 00:54:02,571
No. This is great
talk radio.
1207
00:54:02,605 --> 00:54:05,942
That's the most repulsive
thing I've ever heard.
1208
00:54:05,975 --> 00:54:08,810
Look, Troy, that is
trivializing their pain.
1209
00:54:08,844 --> 00:54:10,546
Okay?
Pat isn't helping people.
1210
00:54:10,579 --> 00:54:12,815
At least Pat's not
putting people to sleep.
1211
00:54:12,848 --> 00:54:14,450
Oh. Oh. Okay.
1212
00:54:14,483 --> 00:54:15,818
That's a slur directed
against me, right?
1213
00:54:15,851 --> 00:54:18,288
Look at all the calls
coming in.
1214
00:54:18,321 --> 00:54:21,857
Oh, You are so disgusting.
1215
00:54:21,891 --> 00:54:23,426
Hello. Whoa. Um...
1216
00:54:23,459 --> 00:54:24,761
All right,
can I help you?
1217
00:54:24,794 --> 00:54:26,828
Man: Sometimes I have
suicidal thoughts.
1218
00:54:26,862 --> 00:54:28,898
I feel like I want
to jump off a building
1219
00:54:28,931 --> 00:54:32,001
or slit my wrists or put
a bullet in my head.
1220
00:54:32,034 --> 00:54:35,038
Well, have you
considered drowning?
1221
00:54:35,071 --> 00:54:38,441
I mean, they say it's like God
giving you a big wet hug...
1222
00:54:38,474 --> 00:54:39,809
forever.
1223
00:54:39,842 --> 00:54:41,878
Stop calling here.
1224
00:54:43,813 --> 00:54:46,482
Female chorus:
♪ Ooh, "Love Chair" ♪
1225
00:54:46,515 --> 00:54:49,452
Announcer:
Tune in same time
tomorrow for more...
1226
00:54:49,485 --> 00:54:51,688
Hey, you know when that
"On the air" sign is on,
1227
00:54:51,721 --> 00:54:53,022
that means
you're on the air.
1228
00:54:53,055 --> 00:54:54,591
Oh, heh heh. Oops.
1229
00:54:56,092 --> 00:54:57,760
You know,
you're a natural?
1230
00:54:57,793 --> 00:54:59,095
Well, your station's
listeners
1231
00:54:59,128 --> 00:55:00,496
really bummed me out.
1232
00:55:00,529 --> 00:55:01,931
They're
a bunch of crackpots.
1233
00:55:01,964 --> 00:55:03,766
Well, Pat, those are
exactly the kind of people
1234
00:55:03,799 --> 00:55:05,401
who call a radio talk show.
1235
00:55:05,434 --> 00:55:06,836
Well, they're
too freaky for me.
1236
00:55:06,869 --> 00:55:09,372
Why can't they just have
normal relationships?
1237
00:55:10,973 --> 00:55:14,744
Pat, why don't you be
the new host of "Love Chat"?
1238
00:55:14,777 --> 00:55:16,446
Great.
1239
00:55:16,479 --> 00:55:17,647
I'm hired!
1240
00:55:27,156 --> 00:55:29,991
Guess what, Kathy.
I got a job.
1241
00:55:30,025 --> 00:55:32,028
I have a radio show
called "Love Chat."
1242
00:55:32,061 --> 00:55:34,364
Yeah, I know, Pat.
That was my show.
1243
00:55:34,397 --> 00:55:35,565
Well, small world.
1244
00:55:35,598 --> 00:55:36,799
No, no. I got fired today.
1245
00:55:36,832 --> 00:55:40,370
Oh, Kathy,
that's terrible.
1246
00:55:40,403 --> 00:55:41,738
Why?
1247
00:55:41,771 --> 00:55:43,873
Because they gave you
my show.
1248
00:55:43,906 --> 00:55:46,976
Oh, that must be awful
for you, Kathy.
1249
00:55:47,009 --> 00:55:48,811
Is there anything
I can do?
1250
00:55:48,844 --> 00:55:50,747
Uh, yeah. Could you
give me my job back?
1251
00:55:50,780 --> 00:55:53,549
I don't think
they'd go for that
down at the station.
1252
00:55:53,582 --> 00:55:55,051
Plus, I wouldn't do it
1253
00:55:55,084 --> 00:55:57,053
because I really
need this job.
1254
00:55:57,086 --> 00:55:59,522
Well, then do me a favor
and get out of here!
1255
00:55:59,555 --> 00:56:01,624
- Okay?
- I'd better go.
1256
00:56:01,657 --> 00:56:04,026
Ramrod. Ramrod.
1257
00:56:04,059 --> 00:56:05,395
Come on, baby, be the one.
1258
00:56:05,428 --> 00:56:06,662
- [buzzing]
- Come to Papa.
1259
00:56:06,695 --> 00:56:08,965
Access denied.
[chuckling]
1260
00:56:08,998 --> 00:56:10,133
[muttering]
1261
00:56:11,200 --> 00:56:12,667
[laughing]
1262
00:56:12,701 --> 00:56:13,837
[buzzing]
1263
00:56:15,037 --> 00:56:16,805
Pig! I'm sorry.
1264
00:56:16,839 --> 00:56:18,607
Okay.
1265
00:56:18,641 --> 00:56:22,078
[female chorus scatting]
1266
00:56:22,111 --> 00:56:26,182
Announcer:
You're listening to KVIB FM.
1267
00:56:26,215 --> 00:56:28,551
And now for the southland's
hottest talk radio,
1268
00:56:28,584 --> 00:56:30,453
here's Pat.
1269
00:56:30,486 --> 00:56:33,423
Hi. This is "Pat Chat."
1270
00:56:33,456 --> 00:56:36,859
And I'm your host,
Pat Riley. [chuckling]
1271
00:56:36,892 --> 00:56:38,560
I'm ready to listen
1272
00:56:38,594 --> 00:56:41,631
to all of your most personal
and intimate problems
1273
00:56:41,664 --> 00:56:44,100
and then, uh,
solve them for you,
1274
00:56:44,133 --> 00:56:46,435
so, uh, let's take
our first call.
1275
00:56:48,671 --> 00:56:50,906
Woman: I've contracted
a horrible disease,
1276
00:56:50,940 --> 00:56:53,676
and I've been told I don't
have much time to live.
1277
00:56:53,709 --> 00:56:55,645
[sobbing]
What should I do?
1278
00:56:55,678 --> 00:56:57,513
[baby crying]
1279
00:56:57,546 --> 00:57:00,549
Why don't you go
1-800-Waah-waah-waah
1280
00:57:00,583 --> 00:57:03,219
waah-waah waah-waah?
[chuckling]
1281
00:57:03,252 --> 00:57:05,788
All right, next call.
1282
00:57:05,821 --> 00:57:08,790
Kyle: Pat, I-- I--
I like to dress up
1283
00:57:08,824 --> 00:57:10,827
like my sexually ambiguous
neighbor
1284
00:57:10,860 --> 00:57:12,528
[cuckoo cuckoo]
1285
00:57:10,860 --> 00:57:12,528
and prance around
the apartment all night.
1286
00:57:12,561 --> 00:57:14,163
Sure you do,
Mr. Looney Tunes.
1287
00:57:14,196 --> 00:57:15,565
Adios!
1288
00:57:15,598 --> 00:57:17,633
I'm tired of these cranks.
1289
00:57:17,666 --> 00:57:21,171
Let's screen these callers,
people.
1290
00:57:27,610 --> 00:57:29,112
[doorbell rings]
1291
00:57:33,782 --> 00:57:36,786
Hi. Blast from your past.
1292
00:57:36,819 --> 00:57:40,122
Hi. I'm a famous
radio personality now.
1293
00:57:40,155 --> 00:57:41,824
That's really-- That's great.
1294
00:57:41,857 --> 00:57:44,928
Uh, Pat, there's something
I have to tell you.
1295
00:57:47,196 --> 00:57:48,665
Can I come in?
1296
00:57:51,200 --> 00:57:54,937
Pat, you know, I never want
you and I to be enemies, okay?
1297
00:57:54,970 --> 00:57:58,006
But, uh, I have to go away
for a little while.
1298
00:57:59,108 --> 00:58:00,576
Where?
1299
00:58:00,609 --> 00:58:02,879
I'm leaving on Sunday
at 5:30 for Tibet,
1300
00:58:02,912 --> 00:58:05,047
on a spiritual quest.
1301
00:58:05,080 --> 00:58:07,049
A quest?
1302
00:58:07,082 --> 00:58:10,920
Yeah. Um, I'm gonna be gone
for at least a year, Pat.
1303
00:58:10,953 --> 00:58:12,622
What?
1304
00:58:12,655 --> 00:58:14,023
So I really thought
it was important
1305
00:58:14,056 --> 00:58:15,725
that I come by and tell you
1306
00:58:15,758 --> 00:58:17,692
that I think I'm probably
always gonna love you, Pat.
1307
00:58:17,726 --> 00:58:20,997
Well, then great! Then we
have no problems, then.
1308
00:58:21,030 --> 00:58:23,132
No, Pat.
What I'm trying to say
1309
00:58:23,165 --> 00:58:25,768
that I'm really sorry
it didn't work out between us.
1310
00:58:25,801 --> 00:58:26,936
Well--
1311
00:58:28,270 --> 00:58:29,939
Well, I'm also sorry
1312
00:58:29,972 --> 00:58:33,009
that you couldn't have
been more sensible.
1313
00:58:35,945 --> 00:58:37,213
Goodbye, Pat.
1314
00:58:47,089 --> 00:58:49,692
People. Can't live with them,
1315
00:58:49,725 --> 00:58:51,259
and you can't live
without them.
1316
00:58:51,293 --> 00:58:53,029
Ohh...
1317
00:58:56,932 --> 00:58:58,935
Damn, I must have missed it.
1318
00:58:58,968 --> 00:59:01,703
[Kyle imitating Pat's voice]
There's only three left.
1319
00:59:01,737 --> 00:59:03,906
I know that. Thank you.
1320
00:59:03,939 --> 00:59:05,707
[chuckling]
1321
00:59:05,741 --> 00:59:07,176
Zymase.
1322
00:59:12,014 --> 00:59:15,117
Access denied. [chuckling]
1323
00:59:15,150 --> 00:59:16,819
Zymotic?
1324
00:59:23,959 --> 00:59:25,194
Ohh...
1325
00:59:28,664 --> 00:59:29,799
Zythum.
1326
00:59:30,866 --> 00:59:32,569
Please work.
1327
00:59:36,739 --> 00:59:39,241
We're in. We're in!
1328
00:59:39,274 --> 00:59:40,643
We're in, we're in.
1329
00:59:40,676 --> 00:59:42,078
We're in, we're in.
1330
00:59:42,111 --> 00:59:43,246
We're in.
1331
00:59:44,346 --> 00:59:45,781
We're in.
1332
00:59:45,814 --> 00:59:47,249
Ohh...
1333
00:59:47,282 --> 00:59:49,619
We're in, we're in, we're in,
1334
00:59:49,652 --> 00:59:51,320
we're in, we're in, we're in.
1335
00:59:51,353 --> 00:59:53,356
We're in, we're in.
1336
00:59:53,389 --> 00:59:54,791
The diary.
1337
01:00:01,664 --> 01:00:04,233
"Once I got it home,
I realized I didn't like it.
1338
01:00:04,266 --> 01:00:06,335
"I mean, who wants
a plaid bath mat anyway?
1339
01:00:06,368 --> 01:00:08,136
"So I took it back
and exchanged it
1340
01:00:08,170 --> 01:00:09,338
"for a delicious tan one.
1341
01:00:09,371 --> 01:00:13,843
Well, more brown, really."
1342
01:00:13,876 --> 01:00:16,045
Pat on radio: ...be all tender
and sumptuous enough
1343
01:00:16,078 --> 01:00:17,780
to bring tears to your eyes.
1344
01:00:17,813 --> 01:00:19,949
And people everywhere
are making Tom Chuck's
1345
01:00:19,982 --> 01:00:22,018
their dinnertime destination.
1346
01:00:22,051 --> 01:00:24,987
Come and enjoy!
1347
01:00:25,020 --> 01:00:27,056
All right, sounds good.
1348
01:00:28,390 --> 01:00:30,259
Okay, I'll remind you
1349
01:00:30,292 --> 01:00:33,229
this is KVIB. I'm Pat.
1350
01:00:33,262 --> 01:00:34,797
You know what I
always say:
1351
01:00:34,830 --> 01:00:36,232
we're made for each other.
[sputter]
1352
01:00:37,733 --> 01:00:39,135
Oh, Pat.
1353
01:00:39,168 --> 01:00:41,104
[chuckling]
1354
01:00:39,168 --> 01:00:41,104
Pat.
1355
01:00:49,378 --> 01:00:53,315
Always try to be equal
partners in a relationship.
1356
01:00:53,348 --> 01:00:54,850
Thank you very much.
1357
01:00:54,883 --> 01:00:56,852
I'm Pat,
and I'm here all night,
1358
01:00:56,885 --> 01:00:59,722
ready to lend
a sympathetic ear.
1359
01:00:59,755 --> 01:01:01,757
Let's take our next call.
1360
01:01:01,790 --> 01:01:03,058
Hello.
1361
01:01:03,092 --> 01:01:04,326
Chris: Hi, Pat.
1362
01:01:04,359 --> 01:01:06,729
Hello.
Don't waste my time.
1363
01:01:06,762 --> 01:01:08,164
What's your name,
caller?
1364
01:01:08,197 --> 01:01:09,699
Well, it's--
1365
01:01:09,732 --> 01:01:12,368
You can call me
Chris, Pat.
1366
01:01:12,401 --> 01:01:15,071
All right, Chris,
what's your problem?
1367
01:01:15,104 --> 01:01:17,439
Well, I had this special
someone in my life--
1368
01:01:17,473 --> 01:01:20,276
we'll call this person Pat--
1369
01:01:20,309 --> 01:01:22,778
and, well,
we were engaged, yeah,
1370
01:01:22,811 --> 01:01:24,780
and, uh, well,
I just didn't feel
1371
01:01:24,813 --> 01:01:26,282
that Pat was ready
to make a commitment,
1372
01:01:26,315 --> 01:01:28,851
not to-- not to a job
or to me.
1373
01:01:28,884 --> 01:01:32,121
But now for the first time
Pat has some job stability,
1374
01:01:32,154 --> 01:01:33,422
- and--
- Uhh?
1375
01:01:33,455 --> 01:01:34,824
I just want to tell Pat
1376
01:01:34,857 --> 01:01:37,860
that I-- I love Pat
for who Pat is
1377
01:01:37,893 --> 01:01:39,795
and not for what Pat does.
1378
01:01:39,828 --> 01:01:43,766
And I really wish we could
get back together again, Pat.
1379
01:01:43,799 --> 01:01:45,301
Well...
1380
01:01:45,334 --> 01:01:48,937
you're not giving me much
to go on here, Chris.
1381
01:01:48,971 --> 01:01:51,207
Can you be more specific?
1382
01:01:51,240 --> 01:01:54,209
Well, I guess what I'm
trying to get at, Pat,
1383
01:01:54,243 --> 01:01:57,046
is that, well, I'm leaving
for Tibet tomorrow,
1384
01:01:57,079 --> 01:01:58,948
you know, to get over Pat,
1385
01:01:58,981 --> 01:02:01,984
and I'm not so sure that's
the right thing to do now,
Pat.
1386
01:02:02,017 --> 01:02:05,120
Well, if you're asking
for my advice,
1387
01:02:05,154 --> 01:02:06,522
and I guess you are,
1388
01:02:06,555 --> 01:02:08,524
I would say
that this Path person
1389
01:02:08,557 --> 01:02:10,792
just sounds like a real
nightmare.
1390
01:02:10,826 --> 01:02:14,096
I say hit the road
and don't look back.
1391
01:02:14,129 --> 01:02:15,931
[chuckling]
Next call.
1392
01:02:15,964 --> 01:02:17,199
But--
1393
01:02:17,232 --> 01:02:18,400
Some people, I don't know
1394
01:02:18,433 --> 01:02:20,136
why they get hooked up
with these losers
1395
01:02:20,169 --> 01:02:21,937
in the first place.
1396
01:02:21,970 --> 01:02:24,939
Listen, what I have to give
you people is tough love.
1397
01:02:24,973 --> 01:02:27,009
It may not sound pretty,
but I can help you.
1398
01:02:27,042 --> 01:02:28,944
That's right, I'm Pat.
1399
01:02:28,977 --> 01:02:30,946
I'm here to help you
all night long.
1400
01:02:30,979 --> 01:02:33,281
"Chris
can be so frustrating.
1401
01:02:33,315 --> 01:02:35,117
"I mean, who is wearing
the pants
1402
01:02:35,150 --> 01:02:37,019
in our relationship
anyway?"
1403
01:02:37,052 --> 01:02:38,888
Exactly what I want to know!
1404
01:02:40,022 --> 01:02:41,790
"I have a confession to make.
1405
01:02:41,824 --> 01:02:43,392
"Dear Diary:
1406
01:02:43,425 --> 01:02:46,195
Something not even my closest
friends know about me."
1407
01:02:50,365 --> 01:02:52,267
"I haven't vacuumed
under my couch
1408
01:02:52,301 --> 01:02:53,803
"since I moved
into my apartment.
1409
01:02:53,836 --> 01:02:56,272
There, I said it I feel
so much better already."
1410
01:03:01,376 --> 01:03:02,812
That's it?
1411
01:03:04,246 --> 01:03:06,215
Th-Th-Th-That's all?
1412
01:03:06,248 --> 01:03:09,051
The most intimate record
1413
01:03:09,084 --> 01:03:12,053
of every detail of Pat's life,
1414
01:03:12,087 --> 01:03:16,559
and not a single clue
about Pat's sex?
1415
01:03:16,592 --> 01:03:19,061
Why?
1416
01:03:19,094 --> 01:03:23,966
Why? That's so unfair!
1417
01:03:23,999 --> 01:03:28,837
I'm sleepy, and you people
are boring me.
1418
01:03:28,871 --> 01:03:33,142
This is KVIB FM.
I'm your host Pat.
1419
01:03:33,175 --> 01:03:34,977
Now let's take our next call,
1420
01:03:35,010 --> 01:03:37,180
and make it something lively!
1421
01:03:39,348 --> 01:03:41,517
[Eastern European accent]
I'm wanting to be telling you
1422
01:03:41,550 --> 01:03:43,118
that I'm having something
1423
01:03:43,151 --> 01:03:45,120
that none of your other
callers have.
1424
01:03:45,153 --> 01:03:47,957
What's that, your sanity?
1425
01:03:47,990 --> 01:03:50,225
No. Your diary.
1426
01:03:50,259 --> 01:03:52,862
What? Who is this?
1427
01:03:52,895 --> 01:03:56,565
All in good time,
my little elusive friend.
1428
01:03:56,598 --> 01:04:00,336
And if you're ever wanting
to see your diary again,
1429
01:04:00,369 --> 01:04:03,939
you'll be meeting me
at Ripley's Odditorium
1430
01:04:03,972 --> 01:04:05,274
at high noon.
1431
01:04:05,307 --> 01:04:08,109
How do I know this isn't
a crank call?
1432
01:04:08,143 --> 01:04:13,415
Have you been vacuuming
under your couch lately?
1433
01:04:13,448 --> 01:04:15,151
[shuddering]
1434
01:04:26,395 --> 01:04:27,563
Excuse me.
1435
01:04:35,504 --> 01:04:36,906
[nervous chuckle]
1436
01:04:50,118 --> 01:04:52,288
Kyle:
Psst. Hey. In here,
1437
01:04:52,321 --> 01:04:54,924
where we're less likely
to be heard.
1438
01:04:56,024 --> 01:04:57,159
Oh.
1439
01:05:11,406 --> 01:05:15,244
Are you the lunatic
who stole my diary?
1440
01:05:15,277 --> 01:05:18,648
You mean...this?
1441
01:05:20,182 --> 01:05:21,950
Yes.
1442
01:05:21,984 --> 01:05:26,020
Hey, you look kinda familiar.
Do I know you?
1443
01:05:26,054 --> 01:05:27,323
No.
1444
01:05:28,657 --> 01:05:31,560
You didn't read the diary,
did you?
1445
01:05:31,593 --> 01:05:35,029
Yes. I decoded it,
1446
01:05:35,063 --> 01:05:38,067
and I read every word.
1447
01:05:38,100 --> 01:05:40,502
Oh, I feel so naked.
1448
01:05:40,535 --> 01:05:43,672
And you know what?
It didn't tell me diddly.
1449
01:05:43,705 --> 01:05:46,107
I know all about
your happy childhood,
1450
01:05:46,141 --> 01:05:49,144
your countless jobs,
your idiotic fantasies,
1451
01:05:49,177 --> 01:05:50,446
your stupid bath mat.
1452
01:05:50,479 --> 01:05:54,049
Stop! Stop!
I can't hear anymore!
1453
01:05:54,082 --> 01:05:55,451
I know everything
about you, Pat,
1454
01:05:55,484 --> 01:05:58,252
everything except
the one thing I must know.
1455
01:05:58,286 --> 01:06:01,256
What else is there to know?
1456
01:06:01,289 --> 01:06:03,125
Take off your clothes.
1457
01:06:03,158 --> 01:06:06,428
What? You're nothing
but a pervert.
1458
01:06:06,461 --> 01:06:08,229
Don't you see?
1459
01:06:08,263 --> 01:06:09,565
We were meant for each other.
1460
01:06:09,598 --> 01:06:11,033
We're like two
complementary pieces
1461
01:06:11,066 --> 01:06:12,433
in the crazy jigsaw
puzzle of love.
1462
01:06:12,467 --> 01:06:14,336
I just need to know
how we fit together.
1463
01:06:14,369 --> 01:06:16,038
Ohh...
1464
01:06:16,071 --> 01:06:17,272
By uncovering
the secret of you,
1465
01:06:17,305 --> 01:06:20,176
I uncover the secret
of myself.
1466
01:06:22,277 --> 01:06:23,712
Kyle!
1467
01:06:23,745 --> 01:06:26,647
Now take off your clothes
1468
01:06:26,681 --> 01:06:30,686
if you ever want to see
your diary alive again.
1469
01:06:30,719 --> 01:06:32,254
Ouggh.
1470
01:06:34,556 --> 01:06:36,559
No!
1471
01:06:47,169 --> 01:06:49,171
Where are you?
1472
01:06:49,204 --> 01:06:51,206
Pat!
1473
01:06:51,239 --> 01:06:54,543
Oh, Pat! Uh-oh!
I see you.
1474
01:06:54,576 --> 01:06:57,246
Help! I'm being chased
by a crazed doppelganger
1475
01:06:57,279 --> 01:06:59,148
who's reading my diary!
1476
01:06:59,181 --> 01:07:00,349
[laughing]
1477
01:07:00,382 --> 01:07:02,051
Ohh!
1478
01:07:06,288 --> 01:07:08,590
♪ ...of your creator ♪
1479
01:07:08,623 --> 01:07:11,560
♪ Stare into the lion's eyes ♪
1480
01:07:11,593 --> 01:07:14,229
♪ And if you
taste the candy ♪
1481
01:07:14,262 --> 01:07:15,731
♪ You'll get to the surprise ♪
1482
01:07:15,764 --> 01:07:17,500
Kyle: Pat!
1483
01:07:21,169 --> 01:07:22,703
Hi.
1484
01:07:22,737 --> 01:07:24,173
Pat.
1485
01:07:25,574 --> 01:07:28,510
Don't run.
You know you want me.
1486
01:07:28,543 --> 01:07:30,746
Surrender, my sweet.
1487
01:07:30,779 --> 01:07:32,248
[giggling]
1488
01:07:36,318 --> 01:07:39,755
Kyle, you just don't
take a hint, do you?
1489
01:07:39,788 --> 01:07:42,491
Come to Papa,
my little love dumpling.
1490
01:07:42,524 --> 01:07:45,259
Kyle, for the last time,
you're not my type.
1491
01:07:45,293 --> 01:07:47,463
Don't-- Don't--
Don't say that, Pat.
1492
01:07:47,496 --> 01:07:49,531
Don't say that.
1493
01:07:49,564 --> 01:07:52,334
- We should be as one.
- Ohh...
1494
01:07:52,367 --> 01:07:54,736
You and I. Huh?
1495
01:07:54,769 --> 01:07:56,671
- Kyle.
- Pat.
1496
01:07:56,705 --> 01:07:58,540
Oh! Oh! Oh!
1497
01:07:58,573 --> 01:08:00,843
Oh, no!
1498
01:08:00,876 --> 01:08:03,145
- Pat!
- Aah!
1499
01:08:03,178 --> 01:08:04,446
Help!
1500
01:08:06,348 --> 01:08:10,419
♪ Don't get too close
to my fantasy ♪
1501
01:08:11,853 --> 01:08:13,789
♪ Don't be afraid ♪
1502
01:08:13,822 --> 01:08:17,126
♪ To touch the hand
of your creator ♪
1503
01:08:17,158 --> 01:08:18,893
♪ Stare into the lion's eyes ♪
1504
01:08:18,926 --> 01:08:20,429
Hold on.
1505
01:08:20,462 --> 01:08:22,498
♪ And if you
taste the candy ♪
1506
01:08:22,531 --> 01:08:25,568
♪ You'll get to the surprise ♪
1507
01:08:27,402 --> 01:08:32,508
♪ Oh, don't get too close
to my fantasy ♪
1508
01:08:34,910 --> 01:08:36,412
[silence]
1509
01:08:40,682 --> 01:08:42,852
[chuckling]
1510
01:08:49,823 --> 01:08:51,460
[cheering]
1511
01:08:55,529 --> 01:08:57,465
Hey, buddy, what do you
think you're doing out here?
1512
01:08:57,499 --> 01:09:00,402
No, no. Okay, I give up.
Uncle, uncle, uncle.
1513
01:09:00,435 --> 01:09:02,838
Ahem. Then perhaps
you could just tell me,
1514
01:09:02,871 --> 01:09:04,907
if that naked person
is a man or a woman.
1515
01:09:04,939 --> 01:09:06,575
Show's over, weirdo.
Come on.
1516
01:09:06,608 --> 01:09:07,776
No!
1517
01:09:11,712 --> 01:09:13,515
Pat!
1518
01:09:15,283 --> 01:09:16,452
Ohh...
1519
01:09:18,520 --> 01:09:21,390
Just one minute, Pat. We'll
have this all stitched up.
1520
01:09:21,423 --> 01:09:23,291
Thank you.
1521
01:09:23,325 --> 01:09:25,794
Pat, can I tell you
something?
1522
01:09:25,827 --> 01:09:29,331
We admire your persistence
and your creativity,
1523
01:09:29,363 --> 01:09:30,698
but we meant it when we said
1524
01:09:30,732 --> 01:09:32,301
we only needed you
for one show.
1525
01:09:32,334 --> 01:09:33,902
That's all right.
1526
01:09:33,935 --> 01:09:36,838
I'm tired of people
looking at me.
1527
01:09:36,871 --> 01:09:39,274
I learned something
about myself
1528
01:09:39,307 --> 01:09:40,908
when I was out there naked:
1529
01:09:40,942 --> 01:09:43,612
what it feels like
to be naked
1530
01:09:43,645 --> 01:09:45,414
in front of lots of people.
1531
01:09:46,848 --> 01:09:48,817
I've had enough adulation.
1532
01:09:48,850 --> 01:09:51,320
I was happier when there
was only one person
1533
01:09:51,353 --> 01:09:53,221
who stared at me
when I was naked.
1534
01:09:55,624 --> 01:09:56,992
Oh, my God.
1535
01:09:57,025 --> 01:09:59,393
Chris.
1536
01:09:59,427 --> 01:10:00,763
Ohh!
1537
01:10:02,664 --> 01:10:05,867
Gladys Knight:
♪ I've had my share ♪
1538
01:10:08,637 --> 01:10:11,607
♪ Of life's ups and downs ♪
1539
01:10:13,942 --> 01:10:16,512
♪ But fate's been kind ♪
1540
01:10:19,047 --> 01:10:25,620
♪ The downs have been few ♪
1541
01:10:25,654 --> 01:10:27,556
♪ I guess you could say ♪
1542
01:10:29,291 --> 01:10:32,828
♪ That I've been lucky ♪
1543
01:10:35,430 --> 01:10:38,000
♪ Oh, I guess you could say ♪
1544
01:10:39,934 --> 01:10:43,973
♪ That it's all
because of you ♪
1545
01:10:46,007 --> 01:10:48,576
♪ If anyone ♪
1546
01:10:48,610 --> 01:10:50,812
♪ Should ever write ♪
1547
01:10:50,845 --> 01:10:53,649
♪ My life story ♪
1548
01:10:56,951 --> 01:10:58,654
Pips:
♪ For whatever ♪
1549
01:10:58,687 --> 01:11:03,459
♪ For whatever reason
there might be ♪
1550
01:11:05,794 --> 01:11:08,364
♪ Ooh, you'd be there ♪
1551
01:11:10,865 --> 01:11:15,271
♪ Between each line
of pain and glory ♪
1552
01:11:17,372 --> 01:11:19,441
♪ 'Cause you're
the best thing ♪
1553
01:11:19,474 --> 01:11:20,976
♪ The best thing
that ever happened ♪
1554
01:11:21,009 --> 01:11:23,612
♪ That ever happened to me ♪
1555
01:11:23,645 --> 01:11:24,946
Chris!
1556
01:11:24,979 --> 01:11:26,648
♪ ...that ever
happened to me ♪
1557
01:11:26,681 --> 01:11:28,450
Chris!
1558
01:11:28,483 --> 01:11:30,419
♪ You're the best thing ♪
1559
01:11:30,452 --> 01:11:31,787
Chris!
1560
01:11:31,820 --> 01:11:34,490
♪ That ever happened to me ♪
1561
01:11:38,026 --> 01:11:41,897
♪ You're the best thing
that ever happened to me ♪
1562
01:11:41,930 --> 01:11:44,066
♪ I know,
you're the best... ♪
1563
01:11:44,099 --> 01:11:45,567
Excuse me.
Someone named Chris.
1564
01:11:45,600 --> 01:11:47,002
Chris! Chris!
1565
01:11:47,035 --> 01:11:48,704
To Paris?
All right.
1566
01:11:48,737 --> 01:11:49,938
Excuse me?
Have you seen Chris?
1567
01:11:49,971 --> 01:11:52,340
Have you seen Chris?
Chris!
1568
01:11:53,608 --> 01:11:55,010
Pat. I--
1569
01:11:55,043 --> 01:11:56,644
Hi.
1570
01:11:56,678 --> 01:11:58,513
Listen, I've been thinking
about our relationship,
1571
01:11:58,546 --> 01:12:00,682
about everything
we've gone through
1572
01:12:00,715 --> 01:12:03,051
and everything I said
and how I behaved,
1573
01:12:03,084 --> 01:12:05,620
and I realized that
1574
01:12:05,653 --> 01:12:07,489
you need me!
1575
01:12:07,522 --> 01:12:10,058
I'm sorry, Pat.
I have to go now.
1576
01:12:10,091 --> 01:12:11,660
But, Chris,
I've had an epiphany
1577
01:12:11,693 --> 01:12:13,395
in front of thousands
of people...
1578
01:12:13,428 --> 01:12:14,629
naked.
1579
01:12:14,662 --> 01:12:16,498
What?
1580
01:12:16,531 --> 01:12:19,901
I don't want fame and fortune.
I want you.
1581
01:12:19,934 --> 01:12:21,704
You do, huh?
1582
01:12:22,904 --> 01:12:24,806
It's lonely at the top.
1583
01:12:24,839 --> 01:12:26,975
I miss having someone around
1584
01:12:27,008 --> 01:12:29,378
who loves dinner
as much as I do.
1585
01:12:30,478 --> 01:12:31,680
And sunny days?
1586
01:12:31,713 --> 01:12:35,750
Chris, I'm really sorry.
1587
01:12:36,885 --> 01:12:38,787
Pat.
1588
01:12:38,820 --> 01:12:40,554
You've never
said that before.
1589
01:12:40,588 --> 01:12:42,891
I just want to be
your spouse.
1590
01:12:42,924 --> 01:12:45,560
I just want to be
like a typical American.
1591
01:12:45,593 --> 01:12:47,763
I want to settle down
and have a house
1592
01:12:47,796 --> 01:12:52,734
and 1.8 kids and lead a life
of quiet desperation,
1593
01:12:52,767 --> 01:12:55,971
like these people here.
1594
01:12:56,004 --> 01:12:58,607
Come on, Chris,
let's do it.
1595
01:12:58,640 --> 01:13:01,009
Oh, Pat.
1596
01:13:01,042 --> 01:13:02,444
Chris.
1597
01:13:12,053 --> 01:13:16,425
I guess my life is just
one big romantic cliché:
1598
01:13:16,458 --> 01:13:18,559
boy meets girl,
girl loses boy,
1599
01:13:18,593 --> 01:13:21,463
boy annoys girl,
girl wants boy
to act differently,
1600
01:13:21,496 --> 01:13:24,533
girl-- Well, you know,
the same old story.
1601
01:13:24,566 --> 01:13:26,201
For richer or poorer.
1602
01:13:26,234 --> 01:13:28,136
For richer or poorer.
1603
01:13:28,169 --> 01:13:30,906
For as long as you both
shall live.
1604
01:13:30,939 --> 01:13:33,175
You may kiss each other.
1605
01:13:36,511 --> 01:13:38,914
[cheering, applause]
1606
01:13:45,019 --> 01:13:47,722
Plato once said
that the unexamined life
1607
01:13:47,755 --> 01:13:50,559
is not worth living.
Well, I agree.
1608
01:13:50,592 --> 01:13:53,795
It wasn't until I took a long,
hard look at my own life
1609
01:13:53,828 --> 01:13:55,997
that I realized
what I really am:
1610
01:13:56,030 --> 01:13:57,666
I'm me!
1611
01:13:57,699 --> 01:13:59,500
It's not what you do
that matters.
1612
01:13:59,534 --> 01:14:01,036
It's who you are.
1613
01:14:01,069 --> 01:14:03,805
And only then did I
discover the truth.
1614
01:14:03,838 --> 01:14:05,173
Chris is my other half,
1615
01:14:05,206 --> 01:14:07,175
and together we make a whole.
1616
01:14:07,208 --> 01:14:10,077
I finally found a yin
to go with my yang.
1617
01:14:10,111 --> 01:14:12,914
Or is that yang
to go with my yin?
1618
01:14:12,947 --> 01:14:16,218
Well, in any case,
I'm so lucky to be me.
1619
01:14:16,251 --> 01:14:17,586
[chuckling]
1620
01:14:22,557 --> 01:14:24,059
Hi, this is Kathy Griffin,
1621
01:14:24,092 --> 01:14:26,126
and yes,
I'm back on "Love Chat."
1622
01:14:26,160 --> 01:14:27,696
my guest today is Kyle,
1623
01:14:27,729 --> 01:14:30,065
who's gone through some
love changes recently.
1624
01:14:30,098 --> 01:14:33,101
Now, Kyle, you are
a transvestite,
is that correct?
1625
01:14:33,134 --> 01:14:36,738
Well, um, Kathy,
I'm dressed as a woman
at the moment,
1626
01:14:36,771 --> 01:14:39,206
but I also like
to dress like a man
1627
01:14:39,240 --> 01:14:40,842
sometimes.
1628
01:14:40,875 --> 01:14:43,678
Okay, well, do your
sexual fantasies change,
1629
01:14:43,711 --> 01:14:45,580
depending on
how you're dressed?
1630
01:14:45,613 --> 01:14:49,651
No. No, no, I always
fantasize about the same...
1631
01:14:49,684 --> 01:14:51,686
person.
1632
01:14:51,719 --> 01:14:53,188
♪ [piano]
1633
01:14:53,221 --> 01:14:55,757
♪ A lot of people
say "What's that?"
1634
01:14:55,790 --> 01:14:57,192
♪ It's Pat ♪
1635
01:14:57,225 --> 01:14:59,027
♪ Ma'am or a sir ♪
1636
01:14:59,060 --> 01:15:00,695
♪ Accept him or her ♪
1637
01:15:00,728 --> 01:15:03,565
♪ For whatever it might be ♪
1638
01:15:03,598 --> 01:15:06,001
♪ It's time for androgyny ♪
1639
01:15:06,034 --> 01:15:07,870
♪ Here comes Pat ♪
55024
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