789 00:34:21,324 --> 00:34:22,627 [chuckling] 790 00:34:24,328 --> 00:34:26,130 You know, Pat, I wanted to tell you 791 00:34:26,163 --> 00:34:29,300 that the camera really loves you. 792 00:34:29,333 --> 00:34:31,302 I mean, really, really-- 793 00:34:31,335 --> 00:34:32,503 [cork pops] 794 00:34:32,536 --> 00:34:33,704 ...loves you. 795 00:34:33,737 --> 00:34:35,339 Well, it's true 796 00:34:35,371 --> 00:34:37,241 I've always been exceptionally photogenic. 797 00:34:37,274 --> 00:34:38,442 [chuckling] 798 00:34:38,475 --> 00:34:40,377 Ahh. 799 00:34:40,409 --> 00:34:43,714 A toast, then, to... 800 00:34:43,746 --> 00:34:47,484 to America's newest superstar. 801 00:34:47,518 --> 00:34:48,786 [ding] 802 00:34:51,255 --> 00:34:53,724 Oh, this bubbly goes straight to my head. 803 00:34:53,757 --> 00:34:55,092 Careful. 804 00:35:06,703 --> 00:35:09,473 Well, I don't really feel like dancing, Kyle. 805 00:35:09,506 --> 00:35:11,274 Of course not. 806 00:35:11,308 --> 00:35:13,144 You must be... 807 00:35:13,177 --> 00:35:16,147 awfully exhausted 808 00:35:16,180 --> 00:35:18,682 after such an exciting day. 809 00:35:18,715 --> 00:35:20,451 Well, it was on TV. 810 00:35:20,484 --> 00:35:21,852 I'm the luckiest man in the world 811 00:35:21,885 --> 00:35:24,288 to be able to share this moment with you, Pat. 812 00:35:24,321 --> 00:35:25,623 Kyle. 813 00:35:25,656 --> 00:35:26,891 Wow. 814 00:35:26,924 --> 00:35:28,759 Whoo. 815 00:35:28,792 --> 00:35:32,163 Is it hot in here, or is it just me? 816 00:35:32,196 --> 00:35:34,865 Why don't you just loosen up a little bit, Pat? 817 00:35:34,898 --> 00:35:37,168 Maybe we could, uh, have some fun. 818 00:35:37,201 --> 00:35:40,504 Okay, I think I understand what's going on here, Kyle. 819 00:35:40,537 --> 00:35:42,705 You got the wrong impression about me. 820 00:35:42,739 --> 00:35:44,909 I mean, I like you as a friend, okay? 821 00:35:44,942 --> 00:35:46,343 A friend. 822 00:35:46,376 --> 00:35:47,678 To tell you the truth, 823 00:35:47,711 --> 00:35:49,479 you're not exactly my type, 824 00:35:49,513 --> 00:35:51,781 if you know what I'm saying. 825 00:35:51,815 --> 00:35:54,552 Plus, Kyle, you're married, and I'm engaged, 826 00:35:54,585 --> 00:35:58,522 so... Oh, Kyle, this is just embarrassing. 827 00:35:58,555 --> 00:35:59,757 I'm gonna go. 828 00:36:08,899 --> 00:36:12,903 Oh, sweet mystery that is Pat. 829 00:36:12,936 --> 00:36:15,272 andquot;Why don't you loosen up a little?andquot; 830 00:36:15,305 --> 00:36:16,839 The guy needs therapy. 831 00:36:16,873 --> 00:36:18,576 Pat, you were, uh... 832 00:36:18,609 --> 00:36:19,744 Hi. Thank you. 833 00:36:21,378 --> 00:36:22,513 Thank you. 834 00:36:24,014 --> 00:36:26,584 Kathy, so what did you think? 835 00:36:26,617 --> 00:36:30,888 Well, uh, it was so much like the engagement party. 836 00:36:30,921 --> 00:36:32,522 It was just like being there. 837 00:36:32,556 --> 00:36:34,258 I knew you'd love it. 838 00:36:34,291 --> 00:36:37,261 Hey, we have a celebrity in the building! 839 00:36:37,294 --> 00:36:39,730 Me! [chuckling] 840 00:36:39,763 --> 00:36:41,732 I was brilliant. 841 00:36:41,765 --> 00:36:43,500 I know now that I was born 842 00:36:43,533 --> 00:36:45,903 to bring joy into the lives of millions. 843 00:36:45,936 --> 00:36:47,371 [ring] 844 00:36:47,404 --> 00:36:49,673 Hello. TV's Pat speaking. 845 00:36:49,706 --> 00:36:51,642 Chris: Hi. Hi, it's me. 846 00:36:51,675 --> 00:36:54,612 Uh, you were really great on the show tonight. 847 00:36:54,645 --> 00:36:56,447 I know. 848 00:36:56,480 --> 00:36:58,782 Uh, look, Pat, uh, 849 00:36:58,815 --> 00:37:01,252 I'm really sorry about earlier. 850 00:37:01,285 --> 00:37:02,953 Well, I understand 851 00:37:02,986 --> 00:37:05,656 how you can get overemotional sometimes. 852 00:37:05,689 --> 00:37:07,391 No biggie. 853 00:37:07,424 --> 00:37:11,528 You know, Pat, you really should follow your dreams. 854 00:37:11,561 --> 00:37:14,765 But, you know, maybe you should just pick one dream 855 00:37:14,798 --> 00:37:16,667 and follow it, okay? 856 00:37:16,700 --> 00:37:17,868 Okay. 857 00:37:17,901 --> 00:37:20,604 So we're in love again, right? 858 00:37:20,637 --> 00:37:21,939 Oh, Pat. 859 00:37:21,972 --> 00:37:24,375 We were never out of love. 860 00:37:24,408 --> 00:37:26,844 Oh, Chris, you believed in me all along. 861 00:37:28,812 --> 00:37:30,047 Psst, Pat. 862 00:37:30,080 --> 00:37:31,448 Sorry. I have to go. 863 00:37:31,481 --> 00:37:32,716 There's somebody at the window. 864 00:37:32,749 --> 00:37:33,984 [dial tone] 865 00:37:34,017 --> 00:37:38,656 Pat, you're a wonderful person. 866 00:37:38,689 --> 00:37:40,857 All right, Kyle, listen, uh, 867 00:37:40,891 --> 00:37:42,293 I have to go to bed. 868 00:37:42,326 --> 00:37:43,494 I'll talk to you later. 869 00:37:43,527 --> 00:37:44,895 Don't close the door on my hand! Aah! 870 00:37:44,928 --> 00:37:46,263 [crash] 871 00:37:54,504 --> 00:37:56,740 Hey, weren't you on TV last night? 872 00:37:56,773 --> 00:37:58,842 Yes, I was. 873 00:37:58,875 --> 00:38:00,911 Can we talk to you for a minute? 874 00:38:00,944 --> 00:38:02,479 Okay. 875 00:38:02,512 --> 00:38:03,881 Pat, aren't you? 876 00:38:03,914 --> 00:38:05,449 Aw, who wants to know? 877 00:38:05,482 --> 00:38:07,017 Oh, we're Ween. 878 00:38:07,050 --> 00:38:08,452 What's a ween? 879 00:38:08,485 --> 00:38:09,853 We're a band, you know. 880 00:38:09,886 --> 00:38:11,455 That's Gene Ween, and I'm Dean Ween. 881 00:38:11,488 --> 00:38:13,424 You know, like Simon and Garfunkel, 882 00:38:13,457 --> 00:38:14,625 Peaches and Herb. 883 00:38:14,658 --> 00:38:15,859 It's kind of sad 884 00:38:15,892 --> 00:38:17,627 you got stuck with that name. 885 00:38:17,661 --> 00:38:19,697 Yeah, anyway, we're doing a gig tonight, 886 00:38:19,730 --> 00:38:20,964 and we were wondering if you wanted 887 00:38:20,997 --> 00:38:22,533 to come out and play. 888 00:38:22,566 --> 00:38:24,567 Great! I'm in a band! 889 00:38:24,601 --> 00:38:27,404 I hopped aboard that bus 890 00:38:27,437 --> 00:38:30,775 knowing I was on the road to fame and fortune. 891 00:38:34,745 --> 00:38:37,481 [chanting] Ween! Ween! Ween! Ween! 892 00:38:37,514 --> 00:38:39,984 Ween! Ween! Ween! Ween! 893 00:38:41,518 --> 00:38:42,787 One minute, Pat. 894 00:38:45,756 --> 00:38:47,857 Don't mind the cameras, Pat. 895 00:38:47,891 --> 00:38:50,027 Do your thing, and you'll look great in the video. 896 00:38:50,060 --> 00:38:51,395 Thank you. 897 00:38:52,996 --> 00:38:54,365 Pat. 898 00:38:54,398 --> 00:38:55,733 How exciting. 899 00:38:55,766 --> 00:38:58,469 Just think, all those thousands of people 900 00:38:58,502 --> 00:39:00,770 looking at me and only at me. 901 00:39:00,804 --> 00:39:04,041 All of them watching and waiting for me 902 00:39:04,074 --> 00:39:06,510 to fill their lives with meaning. 903 00:39:11,982 --> 00:39:13,450 Pat, you okay? 904 00:39:13,483 --> 00:39:14,885 Where's my axe? 905 00:39:14,918 --> 00:39:16,553 Your instrument's set on stage. 906 00:39:16,586 --> 00:39:17,821 - All right. - Knock 'em dead. 907 00:39:17,854 --> 00:39:19,056 Thank you. 908 00:39:19,089 --> 00:39:21,392 Ween! Ween! Ween! 909 00:39:21,425 --> 00:39:22,626 [cheering] 910 00:39:22,659 --> 00:39:24,729 Pat, we're Ween. 911 00:39:27,898 --> 00:39:31,635 [high voices] ♪ When you've had your fun ♪ 912 00:39:31,668 --> 00:39:34,772 ♪ And your work is done ♪ 913 00:39:34,805 --> 00:39:39,009 ♪ You must not succumb ♪ 914 00:39:41,077 --> 00:39:43,881 ♪ I can feel you breathe ♪ 915 00:39:45,849 --> 00:39:49,820 ♪ At least I can make a Norwegian side ♪ 916 00:39:49,853 --> 00:39:54,691 ♪ Please don't hide ♪ 917 00:39:54,724 --> 00:39:56,560 ♪ So, Mom, if you please ♪ 918 00:39:56,593 --> 00:39:59,096 ♪ Pass me the pork roll, egg, and cheese ♪ 919 00:39:59,129 --> 00:40:02,165 ♪ If you please, on a Kaiser bun ♪ 920 00:40:04,601 --> 00:40:05,936 ♪ Mom, if you please ♪ 921 00:40:05,969 --> 00:40:08,071 ♪ Pass me the pork roll, egg, and cheese ♪ 922 00:40:08,104 --> 00:40:11,841 ♪ If you please, on a Kaiser bun ♪ 923 00:40:14,711 --> 00:40:15,913 Hi. Thank you. 924 00:40:17,781 --> 00:40:19,983 Hey, you were incredible tonight, Pat. 925 00:40:20,016 --> 00:40:21,152 Oh, you thought so, too? 926 00:40:22,953 --> 00:40:24,721 Pat, great show. 927 00:40:24,754 --> 00:40:26,589 Yeah, you were amazing. 928 00:40:26,623 --> 00:40:29,126 Well, the tuba is a sadly overlooked instrument. 929 00:40:29,159 --> 00:40:31,128 Care for a mushroom? 930 00:40:31,161 --> 00:40:33,931 Oh, hey, I don't know what's in these. 931 00:40:33,964 --> 00:40:35,966 These could be psychedelic, right? 932 00:40:35,999 --> 00:40:37,935 Oh, I know about these music industry parties: 933 00:40:37,968 --> 00:40:39,970 sex, drugs, and rock 'n' roll. 934 00:40:40,003 --> 00:40:41,439 Woo-hoo! 935 00:40:44,174 --> 00:40:45,976 [sitar music] 936 00:40:52,682 --> 00:40:54,517 [groaning] 937 00:40:59,189 --> 00:41:01,658 I see trails... 938 00:41:01,691 --> 00:41:04,727 the realistic pillows. 939 00:41:06,296 --> 00:41:11,935 Gene, you have a polka-dot monkey on your nose. 940 00:41:11,968 --> 00:41:15,071 Pat, those aren't hallucinogenic mushrooms. 941 00:41:15,105 --> 00:41:16,507 They're from Safeway. 942 00:41:17,874 --> 00:41:20,009 Oh. 943 00:41:20,043 --> 00:41:22,713 Hey, you guys, I played with the Ween! 944 00:41:22,746 --> 00:41:23,981 - What? - Ohh. 945 00:41:24,014 --> 00:41:25,216 Gross. 946 00:41:26,283 --> 00:41:27,750 I played with the Ween! 947 00:41:28,919 --> 00:41:31,555 Hey, I played with the Ween! 948 00:41:31,588 --> 00:41:33,557 Hey, everybody! 949 00:41:33,590 --> 00:41:36,160 I can't believe you did this! 950 00:41:39,296 --> 00:41:40,931 I want a divorce. 951 00:41:45,201 --> 00:41:47,204 [playing andquot;Three Blind Mice 952 00:41:59,249 --> 00:42:00,584 Ohh! 953 00:42:10,727 --> 00:42:11,862 Ahem! 954 00:42:13,229 --> 00:42:14,732 Mm-hmm. 955 00:42:20,003 --> 00:42:21,572 Hey, dudes! 956 00:42:21,605 --> 00:42:24,708 Well, just another gig. 957 00:42:24,741 --> 00:42:26,843 Are you ready to rock 'n' roll? 958 00:42:26,876 --> 00:42:28,712 Hey, Pat, what's up? 959 00:42:28,745 --> 00:42:31,315 Just getting ready for the next gig. 960 00:42:31,348 --> 00:42:35,719 Oh. Pat, I think there's been a misunderstanding. 961 00:42:35,752 --> 00:42:37,621 We just wanted to get some footage of you 962 00:42:37,654 --> 00:42:38,822 for our next video. 963 00:42:38,855 --> 00:42:40,190 You were great and everything, 964 00:42:40,223 --> 00:42:41,725 but that's all we needed. 965 00:42:41,758 --> 00:42:43,026 Well, maybe I should go out 966 00:42:43,059 --> 00:42:45,128 as a surprise bonus attraction. 967 00:42:45,161 --> 00:42:47,831 No, it's too late to change the lineup. 968 00:42:49,265 --> 00:42:51,067 Well, maybe I could just jam with the band 969 00:42:51,101 --> 00:42:53,070 as a special celebrity guest. 970 00:42:53,103 --> 00:42:56,206 We appreciate that, but we just can't do it. 971 00:43:02,012 --> 00:43:03,680 I'll perform for free. 972 00:43:03,713 --> 00:43:05,983 I'm sorry, Pat. Not tonight. 973 00:43:07,350 --> 00:43:08,884 Okey-dokey. 974 00:43:08,918 --> 00:43:10,054 Well... 975 00:43:11,254 --> 00:43:12,956 see you at the next gig. 976 00:43:12,989 --> 00:43:14,291 Pat, try to understand 977 00:43:14,324 --> 00:43:15,792 we booked you for just one performance. 978 00:43:15,825 --> 00:43:17,894 That's all. We were filming a video. 979 00:43:17,927 --> 00:43:19,963 Didn't you read the contract we gave you to sign? 980 00:43:19,996 --> 00:43:22,165 Well, yes, of course I did, 981 00:43:22,198 --> 00:43:25,268 but I can hardly be expected to read all the fine print. 982 00:43:25,301 --> 00:43:27,337 I mean, I just naturally assumed 983 00:43:27,370 --> 00:43:29,072 that I would go on tour with you 984 00:43:29,105 --> 00:43:31,975 and then I would get a record contract of my own 985 00:43:32,008 --> 00:43:34,211 and have a fabulous music career. 986 00:43:34,244 --> 00:43:36,813 Isn't that standard contract? 987 00:43:36,846 --> 00:43:38,716 No, not as such. 988 00:43:41,017 --> 00:43:43,219 You guys were nothing without me! 989 00:43:47,090 --> 00:43:49,092 I hate show biz! 990 00:43:49,125 --> 00:43:51,094 It's a cutthroat industry! 991 00:43:51,127 --> 00:43:52,696 Aw, I know, hon, I know. 992 00:43:52,729 --> 00:43:54,897 All I am to them is a body, an image! 993 00:43:54,931 --> 00:43:56,199 I understand. 994 00:43:56,232 --> 00:43:57,868 To them I'm just a piece of meat 995 00:43:57,901 --> 00:44:00,136 to be chewed up and spit out! 996 00:44:00,170 --> 00:44:01,338 [sobbing] 997 00:44:01,371 --> 00:44:02,739 Oh, Pat. 998 00:44:02,772 --> 00:44:04,141 Maybe it's all for the best. 999 00:44:04,174 --> 00:44:06,810 Feel sorrier for me! 1000 00:44:06,843 --> 00:44:08,944 How can I feel sorry for you 1001 00:44:08,978 --> 00:44:10,947 when you feel so sorry for yourself? 1002 00:44:10,980 --> 00:44:12,916 I miss my career. 1003 00:44:12,949 --> 00:44:14,751 [whining] 1004 00:44:14,784 --> 00:44:16,319 I miss the limelight 1005 00:44:16,352 --> 00:44:19,089 and the adulation of thousands! 1006 00:44:19,122 --> 00:44:22,993 Oh, Pat, being famous and having a career, 1007 00:44:23,026 --> 00:44:25,194 they're-- they're not the same thing. 1008 00:44:25,228 --> 00:44:27,397 What are you talking about? 1009 00:44:27,430 --> 00:44:30,000 Well, a career implies having a skill. 1010 00:44:30,033 --> 00:44:31,234 You think I'm untalented! 1011 00:44:31,267 --> 00:44:32,769 No, I don't. 1012 00:44:32,802 --> 00:44:34,404 I'll show you! I'm a renaissance person! 1013 00:44:34,437 --> 00:44:36,006 I don't understand why you insist 1014 00:44:36,039 --> 00:44:37,741 on blowing this thing so out of proportion. 1015 00:44:37,774 --> 00:44:39,409 I don't think you know what you want out of life. 1016 00:44:39,442 --> 00:44:43,013 I just want fame and riches. Is that too much to ask? 1017 00:44:43,046 --> 00:44:45,115 Oh, Pat. 1018 00:44:45,148 --> 00:44:49,820 Those are the goals of an empty soul, Pat... 1019 00:44:49,853 --> 00:44:52,889 one that I frankly do not want to spend 1020 00:44:52,922 --> 00:44:54,858 a whole lot of time with, so-- 1021 00:44:54,891 --> 00:44:56,493 And you're not being supportive enough! 1022 00:44:56,526 --> 00:44:58,928 I need something for me right now! 1023 00:45:00,930 --> 00:45:02,466 Come on. 1024 00:45:03,800 --> 00:45:04,935 No. 1025 00:45:06,102 --> 00:45:07,837 Well, I'm not gonna beg. 1026 00:45:11,307 --> 00:45:13,109 Where am I? 1027 00:45:13,143 --> 00:45:16,179 What kind of spell have I been under, Pat? 1028 00:45:16,212 --> 00:45:18,482 I mean, you and I are clearly 1029 00:45:18,515 --> 00:45:21,017 fundamentally incompatible, 1030 00:45:21,050 --> 00:45:22,419 and I just think-- 1031 00:45:22,452 --> 00:45:24,755 I think we should call it quits, Pat. 1032 00:45:24,788 --> 00:45:28,325 I think it's... over between us, 1033 00:45:28,358 --> 00:45:30,894 and, uh, I should be going. 1034 00:45:30,927 --> 00:45:32,396 Goodbye, Pat. 1035 00:45:34,831 --> 00:45:36,100 [sobbing] 1036 00:45:40,403 --> 00:45:41,971 Dear Diary: 1037 00:45:42,005 --> 00:45:44,174 I am at the lowest point in my life. 1038 00:45:44,207 --> 00:45:46,176 First my music career was sabotaged, 1039 00:45:46,209 --> 00:45:47,877 and then Chris became unreasonable, 1040 00:45:47,911 --> 00:45:50,147 and I had to break off our engagement. 1041 00:45:50,180 --> 00:45:52,549 Thank goodness I still have you, Dear Diary, 1042 00:45:52,582 --> 00:45:55,152 a confidante to whom I can bare my soul's most secret yearnings 1043 00:45:55,185 --> 00:45:58,455 and vulnerable feelings. 1044 00:45:58,488 --> 00:46:00,190 Oh, well, I'm sure everything 1045 00:46:00,223 --> 00:46:01,958 will look better in the morning. 1046 00:46:01,991 --> 00:46:03,227 Ohh... 1047 00:46:08,998 --> 00:46:10,334 [bottles rattle] 1048 00:46:11,968 --> 00:46:14,370 You're a stupid lettuce-head. 1049 00:46:14,404 --> 00:46:16,907 Oh, no! 1050 00:46:20,443 --> 00:46:22,246 [humming] 1051 00:46:27,483 --> 00:46:29,352 You're all wet, Pat. 1052 00:46:29,385 --> 00:46:31,822 Ohh! 1053 00:46:36,960 --> 00:46:38,162 Ohh... 1054 00:46:42,465 --> 00:46:44,401 I'm being haunted by the specter 1055 00:46:44,434 --> 00:46:46,303 of my former lover. 1056 00:46:46,336 --> 00:46:49,973 I should record that dream in my diary. 1057 00:46:53,109 --> 00:46:56,580 No! My laptop! 1058 00:46:56,613 --> 00:46:59,015 Ohh! Ohh! 1059 00:47:03,319 --> 00:47:05,922 My diary's been stolen! 1060 00:47:05,955 --> 00:47:08,290 Ohh! Help! 1061 00:47:08,324 --> 00:47:10,193 Oh, Kyle! 1062 00:47:10,226 --> 00:47:12,429 Kyle! Ohh! 1063 00:47:12,462 --> 00:47:13,930 Oh, madness! 1064 00:47:13,963 --> 00:47:16,600 Oh, my diary's been stolen! 1065 00:47:16,633 --> 00:47:18,335 My diary's been stolen! 1066 00:47:18,368 --> 00:47:19,603 Oh, no. 1067 00:47:19,636 --> 00:47:21,338 Kyle, at this very moment, 1068 00:47:21,371 --> 00:47:23,540 some diabolical cat burglar could be reading 1069 00:47:23,573 --> 00:47:26,408 the most intimate details of my private life! 1070 00:47:26,442 --> 00:47:28,245 Kyle! 1071 00:47:28,278 --> 00:47:29,613 That's terrible, Pat. 1072 00:47:31,314 --> 00:47:33,350 Hey, I have frames just like those. 1073 00:47:35,351 --> 00:47:37,020 Wait a minute, Pat. 1074 00:47:37,053 --> 00:47:38,321 Don't you need a password 1075 00:47:38,354 --> 00:47:41,024 to gain access to the diary itself? 1076 00:47:41,057 --> 00:47:43,560 Yes. Yes, I do. 1077 00:47:43,593 --> 00:47:45,962 And what was that password again? 1078 00:47:45,995 --> 00:47:47,998 I would never tell that to anyone. 1079 00:47:48,031 --> 00:47:50,100 Not even a closest friend, a nearby neighbor, 1080 00:47:50,133 --> 00:47:51,301 somebody that can-- 1081 00:47:51,334 --> 00:47:52,502 Well, I'll give you a hint. 1082 00:47:52,535 --> 00:47:54,203 It's in the dictionary. 1083 00:47:56,239 --> 00:47:58,208 Ohh, all right, Kyle. 1084 00:47:58,241 --> 00:48:00,443 I feel a little bit better. 1085 00:48:00,476 --> 00:48:01,912 Good. 1086 00:48:01,945 --> 00:48:03,480 Okay, I got to go. 1087 00:48:03,513 --> 00:48:05,115 Mm-hmm. Okay. 1088 00:48:12,655 --> 00:48:14,024 Hmm. 1089 00:48:18,127 --> 00:48:19,596 [buzzing] 1090 00:48:19,629 --> 00:48:21,197 [Pat's voice] Access denied. 1091 00:48:21,230 --> 00:48:22,699 [chuckling] 1092 00:48:22,732 --> 00:48:24,368 It was worth a try anyway. 1093 00:48:37,046 --> 00:48:38,181 A. 1094 00:48:41,250 --> 00:48:42,386 [buzzing] 1095 00:48:46,656 --> 00:48:47,991 Dick. 1096 00:48:50,994 --> 00:48:52,362 [buzzing] 1097 00:48:55,098 --> 00:48:59,202 I will know your secrets, my love. 1098 00:48:59,235 --> 00:49:04,040 I will possess you utterly. 1099 00:49:04,073 --> 00:49:05,709 Whoever had stolen my diary 1100 00:49:05,742 --> 00:49:07,677 had left few clues behind, 1101 00:49:07,710 --> 00:49:09,279 and I was soon on the trail, 1102 00:49:09,312 --> 00:49:11,181 sniffing out leads. 1103 00:49:11,214 --> 00:49:12,982 Hey, dudes. 1104 00:49:13,016 --> 00:49:15,552 Any of you guys steal anything lately? 1105 00:49:15,585 --> 00:49:18,254 What are you talking about? 1106 00:49:18,287 --> 00:49:21,057 Like my laptop diary. 1107 00:49:21,090 --> 00:49:23,460 It's been stolen, and I want it back. 1108 00:49:23,493 --> 00:49:26,062 What the hell are you anyway? 1109 00:49:26,095 --> 00:49:28,198 Oh, I know what you're thinking. 1110 00:49:28,231 --> 00:49:30,700 Am I a Crip or am I a Blood? 1111 00:49:30,733 --> 00:49:33,470 No. What we want to know 1112 00:49:33,503 --> 00:49:36,139 is are you a brother or a sister? 1113 00:49:36,172 --> 00:49:37,340 - Word. - Yeah. 1114 00:49:37,373 --> 00:49:38,608 Well, I'm an only child. 1115 00:49:38,641 --> 00:49:41,778 There's a word for what you are. 1116 00:49:41,811 --> 00:49:43,246 Charismatic? 1117 00:49:44,747 --> 00:49:48,551 Spike, what is the word I'm looking for? 1118 00:49:50,053 --> 00:49:51,520 Androgynous. 1119 00:49:51,554 --> 00:49:53,023 - Yeah. - That's it. 1120 00:49:53,056 --> 00:49:55,525 Oh, that's right. Androgynous. 1121 00:49:55,558 --> 00:49:57,594 That's what everyone says about me. 1122 00:49:57,627 --> 00:50:00,630 Good old androgynous Pat. 1123 00:50:00,663 --> 00:50:03,199 Pat's always cheerful 1124 00:50:03,232 --> 00:50:05,602 and androgynous with everybody. 1125 00:50:05,635 --> 00:50:08,405 So what the hell are you? 1126 00:50:08,438 --> 00:50:12,509 A man or a woman? 1127 00:50:16,179 --> 00:50:17,614 Ohh... 1128 00:50:18,681 --> 00:50:21,251 Ohh! Ohh! 1129 00:50:21,284 --> 00:50:25,088 What the hell was that? 1130 00:50:45,741 --> 00:50:47,110 Hmm. 1131 00:50:53,449 --> 00:50:54,584 Ohh! 1132 00:51:08,764 --> 00:51:11,301 May I help you with something? 1133 00:51:11,334 --> 00:51:13,269 I need a makeover, pronto! 1134 00:51:13,302 --> 00:51:14,571 Makeover. 1135 00:51:14,604 --> 00:51:16,705 Yes, I need to look more like my own gender. 1136 00:51:16,739 --> 00:51:18,308 You know what I'm saying, Gunther. 1137 00:51:18,341 --> 00:51:20,877 Oh...kay. 1138 00:51:20,910 --> 00:51:22,479 Let's go. 1139 00:51:28,317 --> 00:51:30,320 Fantastic. 1140 00:51:31,888 --> 00:51:33,623 I don't think so. 1141 00:51:35,725 --> 00:51:38,394 Oh, that's quite flattering. 1142 00:51:38,427 --> 00:51:40,130 You've got to be kidding. 1143 00:51:41,597 --> 00:51:42,765 The minimalist. 1144 00:51:42,798 --> 00:51:44,734 [speeded-up chatter] 1145 00:51:46,636 --> 00:51:49,172 That's it! It's me! 1146 00:51:49,205 --> 00:51:51,241 Oh, I love my new look! 1147 00:51:51,274 --> 00:51:53,442 Oh, you're a genius, Gunther. 1148 00:51:53,476 --> 00:51:55,679 All in a day's work for Gunther. 1149 00:51:57,346 --> 00:51:59,482 I may have looked fabulous on the outside, 1150 00:51:59,515 --> 00:52:01,750 but inside I was a mess. 1151 00:52:01,784 --> 00:52:04,487 At a time like this, I needed a friend. 1152 00:52:04,520 --> 00:52:07,324 I needed my best friend. 1153 00:52:12,195 --> 00:52:15,165 Man on phone: I mean, he was-- he was looking at me funny, 1154 00:52:15,198 --> 00:52:17,299 and I had the gun in my hand, 1155 00:52:17,333 --> 00:52:19,802 so-- so I-- I shot him. 1156 00:52:19,835 --> 00:52:21,871 Well, anger is nothing more than hurt 1157 00:52:21,904 --> 00:52:23,606 that hasn't been dealt with. 1158 00:52:23,639 --> 00:52:25,642 You need to work on healing your inner child, okay? 1159 00:52:25,675 --> 00:52:27,243 I want you to have a 20-minute conversation 1160 00:52:27,276 --> 00:52:28,544 with your inner child every day. 1161 00:52:28,578 --> 00:52:30,213 And remember, no fighting. 1162 00:52:30,246 --> 00:52:31,915 All right, so let me know how things go. 1163 00:52:31,948 --> 00:52:33,516 Okay, great, we're going to pause here 1164 00:52:33,549 --> 00:52:34,884 to pay some bills. 1165 00:52:34,917 --> 00:52:36,486 I'm Kathy Griffin on andquot;Love Chat. 1166 00:52:37,687 --> 00:52:38,855 Pat. 1167 00:52:38,888 --> 00:52:40,256 Hi, Kathy. How you doing? 1168 00:52:40,289 --> 00:52:41,558 What are you doing? 1169 00:52:41,591 --> 00:52:42,859 I'm working, Pat. 1170 00:52:42,892 --> 00:52:45,595 Oh. Listen, I need a job. Can you get me one? 1171 00:52:45,628 --> 00:52:47,764 Okay, well, why would I get you a job? 1172 00:52:47,797 --> 00:52:49,832 Have you forgotten who set the clock on your VCR? 1173 00:52:49,865 --> 00:52:51,868 That thing would be flashing from here to Tuesday 1174 00:52:51,901 --> 00:52:53,336 if it weren't for me. 1175 00:52:53,369 --> 00:52:55,338 Oh, right. Look, Pat, 1176 00:52:55,371 --> 00:52:57,240 I'm trying to do a little show here, okay? 1177 00:52:57,273 --> 00:52:58,641 Maybe we could talk about this later. 1178 00:52:58,674 --> 00:53:00,643 Kathy, this isn't about you right now. 1179 00:53:00,676 --> 00:53:02,478 This is about me. 1180 00:53:02,511 --> 00:53:04,614 What am I gonna do? 1181 00:53:06,382 --> 00:53:07,984 Security! 1182 00:53:08,017 --> 00:53:10,386 Oh, great! 1183 00:53:10,419 --> 00:53:12,589 Do I get to wear a uniform? 1184 00:53:12,622 --> 00:53:15,524 [phone rings] 1185 00:53:15,558 --> 00:53:16,859 [ring] 1186 00:53:16,892 --> 00:53:18,928 [ring] 1187 00:53:18,961 --> 00:53:21,363 [ring] 1188 00:53:21,397 --> 00:53:23,600 [ring] 1189 00:53:23,633 --> 00:53:25,468 Hello. 1190 00:53:25,501 --> 00:53:28,338 Woman: I'm having an affair with my next door neighbor. 1191 00:53:28,371 --> 00:53:31,374 I feel terrible about it. Who can I talk to? 1192 00:53:31,407 --> 00:53:33,343 Well, try your husband. 1193 00:53:36,345 --> 00:53:38,281 [ring] 1194 00:53:38,314 --> 00:53:39,949 Phone's ringing! 1195 00:53:39,982 --> 00:53:41,918 [ring] 1196 00:53:41,951 --> 00:53:44,287 [ring] 1197 00:53:44,320 --> 00:53:46,889 What do you want? 1198 00:53:46,922 --> 00:53:48,491 I would like this individual 1199 00:53:48,524 --> 00:53:49,892 escorted from the building, please. 1200 00:53:49,925 --> 00:53:51,794 Uh, just a second. I want to hear this. 1201 00:53:51,827 --> 00:53:53,529 I have no idea what you're talking about. 1202 00:53:53,562 --> 00:53:54,998 Oh, my God. 1203 00:53:55,031 --> 00:53:57,400 Pat is taking calls on the air? 1204 00:53:57,433 --> 00:53:58,701 I know. 1205 00:53:58,734 --> 00:54:00,270 Well, go to commercial. Pull the plug. 1206 00:54:00,303 --> 00:54:02,571 No. This is great talk radio. 1207 00:54:02,605 --> 00:54:05,942 That's the most repulsive thing I've ever heard. 1208 00:54:05,975 --> 00:54:08,810 Look, Troy, that is trivializing their pain. 1209 00:54:08,844 --> 00:54:10,546 Okay? Pat isn't helping people. 1210 00:54:10,579 --> 00:54:12,815 At least Pat's not putting people to sleep. 1211 00:54:12,848 --> 00:54:14,450 Oh. Oh. Okay. 1212 00:54:14,483 --> 00:54:15,818 That's a slur directed against me, right? 1213 00:54:15,851 --> 00:54:18,288 Look at all the calls coming in. 1214 00:54:18,321 --> 00:54:21,857 Oh, You are so disgusting. 1215 00:54:21,891 --> 00:54:23,426 Hello. Whoa. Um... 1216 00:54:23,459 --> 00:54:24,761 All right, can I help you? 1217 00:54:24,794 --> 00:54:26,828 Man: Sometimes I have suicidal thoughts. 1218 00:54:26,862 --> 00:54:28,898 I feel like I want to jump off a building 1219 00:54:28,931 --> 00:54:32,001 or slit my wrists or put a bullet in my head. 1220 00:54:32,034 --> 00:54:35,038 Well, have you considered drowning? 1221 00:54:35,071 --> 00:54:38,441 I mean, they say it's like God giving you a big wet hug... 1222 00:54:38,474 --> 00:54:39,809 forever. 1223 00:54:39,842 --> 00:54:41,878 Stop calling here. 1224 00:54:43,813 --> 00:54:46,482 Female chorus: ♪ Ooh, andquot;Love Chair 1225 00:54:46,515 --> 00:54:49,452 Announcer: Tune in same time tomorrow for more... 1226 00:54:49,485 --> 00:54:51,688 Hey, you know when that andquot;On the air 1227 00:54:51,721 --> 00:54:53,022 that means you're on the air. 1228 00:54:53,055 --> 00:54:54,591 Oh, heh heh. Oops. 1229 00:54:56,092 --> 00:54:57,760 You know, you're a natural? 1230 00:54:57,793 --> 00:54:59,095 Well, your station's listeners 1231 00:54:59,128 --> 00:55:00,496 really bummed me out. 1232 00:55:00,529 --> 00:55:01,931 They're a bunch of crackpots. 1233 00:55:01,964 --> 00:55:03,766 Well, Pat, those are exactly the kind of people 1234 00:55:03,799 --> 00:55:05,401 who call a radio talk show. 1235 00:55:05,434 --> 00:55:06,836 Well, they're too freaky for me. 1236 00:55:06,869 --> 00:55:09,372 Why can't they just have normal relationships? 1237 00:55:10,973 --> 00:55:14,744 Pat, why don't you be the new host of andquot;Love Chat 1238 00:55:14,777 --> 00:55:16,446 Great. 1239 00:55:16,479 --> 00:55:17,647 I'm hired! 1240 00:55:27,156 --> 00:55:29,991 Guess what, Kathy. I got a job. 1241 00:55:30,025 --> 00:55:32,028 I have a radio show called andquot;Love Chat. 1242 00:55:32,061 --> 00:55:34,364 Yeah, I know, Pat. That was my show. 1243 00:55:34,397 --> 00:55:35,565 Well, small world. 1244 00:55:35,598 --> 00:55:36,799 No, no. I got fired today. 1245 00:55:36,832 --> 00:55:40,370 Oh, Kathy, that's terrible. 1246 00:55:40,403 --> 00:55:41,738 Why? 1247 00:55:41,771 --> 00:55:43,873 Because they gave you my show. 1248 00:55:43,906 --> 00:55:46,976 Oh, that must be awful for you, Kathy. 1249 00:55:47,009 --> 00:55:48,811 Is there anything I can do? 1250 00:55:48,844 --> 00:55:50,747 Uh, yeah. Could you give me my job back? 1251 00:55:50,780 --> 00:55:53,549 I don't think they'd go for that down at the station. 1252 00:55:53,582 --> 00:55:55,051 Plus, I wouldn't do it 1253 00:55:55,084 --> 00:55:57,053 because I really need this job. 1254 00:55:57,086 --> 00:55:59,522 Well, then do me a favor and get out of here! 1255 00:55:59,555 --> 00:56:01,624 - Okay? - I'd better go. 1256 00:56:01,657 --> 00:56:04,026 Ramrod. Ramrod. 1257 00:56:04,059 --> 00:56:05,395 Come on, baby, be the one. 1258 00:56:05,428 --> 00:56:06,662 - [buzzing] - Come to Papa. 1259 00:56:06,695 --> 00:56:08,965 Access denied. [chuckling] 1260 00:56:08,998 --> 00:56:10,133 [muttering] 1261 00:56:11,200 --> 00:56:12,667 [laughing] 1262 00:56:12,701 --> 00:56:13,837 [buzzing] 1263 00:56:15,037 --> 00:56:16,805 Pig! I'm sorry. 1264 00:56:16,839 --> 00:56:18,607 Okay. 1265 00:56:18,641 --> 00:56:22,078 [female chorus scatting] 1266 00:56:22,111 --> 00:56:26,182 Announcer: You're listening to KVIB FM. 1267 00:56:26,215 --> 00:56:28,551 And now for the southland's hottest talk radio, 1268 00:56:28,584 --> 00:56:30,453 here's Pat. 1269 00:56:30,486 --> 00:56:33,423 Hi. This is andquot;Pat Chat. 1270 00:56:33,456 --> 00:56:36,859 And I'm your host, Pat Riley. [chuckling] 1271 00:56:36,892 --> 00:56:38,560 I'm ready to listen 1272 00:56:38,594 --> 00:56:41,631 to all of your most personal and intimate problems 1273 00:56:41,664 --> 00:56:44,100 and then, uh, solve them for you, 1274 00:56:44,133 --> 00:56:46,435 so, uh, let's take our first call. 1275 00:56:48,671 --> 00:56:50,906 Woman: I've contracted a horrible disease, 1276 00:56:50,940 --> 00:56:53,676 and I've been told I don't have much time to live. 1277 00:56:53,709 --> 00:56:55,645 [sobbing] What should I do? 1278 00:56:55,678 --> 00:56:57,513 [baby crying] 1279 00:56:57,546 --> 00:57:00,549 Why don't you go 1-800-Wah-wah-wah 1280 00:57:00,583 --> 00:57:03,219 wah-wah wah-wah? [chuckling] 1281 00:57:03,252 --> 00:57:05,788 All right, next call. 1282 00:57:05,821 --> 00:57:08,790 Kyle: Pat, I-- I-- I like to dress up 1283 00:57:08,824 --> 00:57:10,827 like my sexually ambiguous neighbor 1284 00:57:10,860 --> 00:57:12,528 [cuckoo cuckoo] 1285 00:57:10,860 --> 00:57:12,528 and prance around the apartment all night. 1286 00:57:12,561 --> 00:57:14,163 Sure you do, Mr. Looney Tunes. 1287 00:57:14,196 --> 00:57:15,565 Adios! 1288 00:57:15,598 --> 00:57:17,633 I'm tired of these cranks. 1289 00:57:17,666 --> 00:57:21,171 Let's screen these callers, people. 1290 00:57:27,610 --> 00:57:29,112 [doorbell rings] 1291 00:57:33,782 --> 00:57:36,786 Hi. Blast from your past. 1292 00:57:36,819 --> 00:57:40,122 Hi. I'm a famous radio personality now. 1293 00:57:40,155 --> 00:57:41,824 That's really-- That's great. 1294 00:57:41,857 --> 00:57:44,928 Uh, Pat, there's something I have to tell you. 1295 00:57:47,196 --> 00:57:48,665 Can I come in? 1296 00:57:51,200 --> 00:57:54,937 Pat, you know, I never want you and I to be enemies, okay? 1297 00:57:54,970 --> 00:57:58,006 But, uh, I have to go away for a little while. 1298 00:57:59,108 --> 00:58:00,576 Where? 1299 00:58:00,609 --> 00:58:02,879 I'm leaving on Sunday at 5:30 for Tibet, 1300 00:58:02,912 --> 00:58:05,047 on a spiritual quest. 1301 00:58:05,080 --> 00:58:07,049 A quest? 1302 00:58:07,082 --> 00:58:10,920 Yeah. Um, I'm gonna be gone for at least a year, Pat. 1303 00:58:10,953 --> 00:58:12,622 What? 1304 00:58:12,655 --> 00:58:14,023 So I really thought it was important 1305 00:58:14,056 --> 00:58:15,725 that I come by and tell you 1306 00:58:15,758 --> 00:58:17,692 that I think I'm probably always gonna love you, Pat. 1307 00:58:17,726 --> 00:58:20,997 Well, then great! Then we have no problems, then. 1308 00:58:21,030 --> 00:58:23,132 No, Pat. What I'm trying to say 1309 00:58:23,165 --> 00:58:25,768 that I'm really sorry it didn't work out between us. 1310 00:58:25,801 --> 00:58:26,936 Well-- 1311 00:58:28,270 --> 00:58:29,939 Well, I'm also sorry 1312 00:58:29,972 --> 00:58:33,009 that you couldn't have been more sensible. 1313 00:58:35,945 --> 00:58:37,213 Goodbye, Pat. 1314 00:58:47,089 --> 00:58:49,692 People. Can't live with them, 1315 00:58:49,725 --> 00:58:51,259 and you can't live without them. 1316 00:58:51,293 --> 00:58:53,029 Ohh... 1317 00:58:56,932 --> 00:58:58,935 Damn, I must have missed it. 1318 00:58:58,968 --> 00:59:01,703 [Kyle imitating Pat's voice] There's only three left. 1319 00:59:01,737 --> 00:59:03,906 I know that. Thank you. 1320 00:59:03,939 --> 00:59:05,707 [chuckling] 1321 00:59:05,741 --> 00:59:07,176 Zymase. 1322 00:59:12,014 --> 00:59:15,117 Access denied. [chuckling] 1323 00:59:15,150 --> 00:59:16,819 Zymotic? 1324 00:59:23,959 --> 00:59:25,194 Ohh... 1325 00:59:28,664 --> 00:59:29,799 Zythum. 1326 00:59:30,866 --> 00:59:32,569 Please work. 1327 00:59:36,739 --> 00:59:39,241 We're in. We're in! 1328 00:59:39,274 --> 00:59:40,643 We're in, we're in. 1329 00:59:40,676 --> 00:59:42,078 We're in, we're in. 1330 00:59:42,111 --> 00:59:43,246 We're in. 1331 00:59:44,346 --> 00:59:45,781 We're in. 1332 00:59:45,814 --> 00:59:47,249 Ohh... 1333 00:59:47,282 --> 00:59:49,619 We're in, we're in, we're in, 1334 00:59:49,652 --> 00:59:51,320 we're in, we're in, we're in. 1335 00:59:51,353 --> 00:59:53,356 We're in, we're in. 1336 00:59:53,389 --> 00:59:54,791 The diary. 1337 01:00:01,664 --> 01:00:04,233 andquot;Once I got it home, I realized I didn't like it. 1338 01:00:04,266 --> 01:00:06,335 andquot;I mean, who wants a plaid bath mat anyway? 1339 01:00:06,368 --> 01:00:08,136 andquot;So I took it back and exchanged it 1340 01:00:08,170 --> 01:00:09,338 andquot;for a delicious tan one. 1341 01:00:09,371 --> 01:00:13,843 Well, more brown, really.andquot; 1342 01:00:13,876 --> 01:00:16,045 Pat on radio: ...be all tender and sumptuous enough 1343 01:00:16,078 --> 01:00:17,780 to bring tears to your eyes. 1344 01:00:17,813 --> 01:00:19,949 And people everywhere are making Tom Chuck's 1345 01:00:19,982 --> 01:00:22,018 their dinnertime destination. 1346 01:00:22,051 --> 01:00:24,987 Come and enjoy! 1347 01:00:25,020 --> 01:00:27,056 All right, sounds good. 1348 01:00:28,390 --> 01:00:30,259 Okay, I'll remind you 1349 01:00:30,292 --> 01:00:33,229 this is KVIB. I'm Pat. 1350 01:00:33,262 --> 01:00:34,797 You know what I always say: 1351 01:00:34,830 --> 01:00:36,232 we're made for each other. [sputter] 1352 01:00:37,733 --> 01:00:39,135 Oh, Pat. 1353 01:00:39,168 --> 01:00:41,104 [chuckling] 1354 01:00:39,168 --> 01:00:41,104 Pat. 1355 01:00:49,378 --> 01:00:53,315 Always try to be equal partners in a relationship. 1356 01:00:53,348 --> 01:00:54,850 Thank you very much. 1357 01:00:54,883 --> 01:00:56,852 I'm Pat, and I'm here all night, 1358 01:00:56,885 --> 01:00:59,722 ready to lend a sympathetic ear. 1359 01:00:59,755 --> 01:01:01,757 Let's take our next call. 1360 01:01:01,790 --> 01:01:03,058 Hello. 1361 01:01:03,092 --> 01:01:04,326 Chris: Hi, Pat. 1362 01:01:04,359 --> 01:01:06,729 Hello. Don't waste my time. 1363 01:01:06,762 --> 01:01:08,164 What's your name, caller? 1364 01:01:08,197 --> 01:01:09,699 Well, it's-- 1365 01:01:09,732 --> 01:01:12,368 You can call me Chris, Pat. 1366 01:01:12,401 --> 01:01:15,071 All right, Chris, what's your problem? 1367 01:01:15,104 --> 01:01:17,439 Well, I had this special someone in my life-- 1368 01:01:17,473 --> 01:01:20,276 we'll call this person Pat-- 1369 01:01:20,309 --> 01:01:22,778 and, well, we were engaged, yeah, 1370 01:01:22,811 --> 01:01:24,780 and, uh, well, I just didn't feel 1371 01:01:24,813 --> 01:01:26,282 that Pat was ready to make a commitment, 1372 01:01:26,315 --> 01:01:28,851 not to-- not to a job or to me. 1373 01:01:28,884 --> 01:01:32,121 But now for the first time Pat has some job stability, 1374 01:01:32,154 --> 01:01:33,422 - and-- - Uhh? 1375 01:01:33,455 --> 01:01:34,824 I just want to tell Pat 1376 01:01:34,857 --> 01:01:37,860 that I-- I love Pat for who Pat is 1377 01:01:37,893 --> 01:01:39,795 and not for what Pat does. 1378 01:01:39,828 --> 01:01:43,766 And I really wish we could get back together again, Pat. 1379 01:01:43,799 --> 01:01:45,301 Well... 1380 01:01:45,334 --> 01:01:48,937 you're not giving me much to go on here, Chris. 1381 01:01:48,971 --> 01:01:51,207 Can you be more specific? 1382 01:01:51,240 --> 01:01:54,209 Well, I guess what I'm trying to get at, Pat, 1383 01:01:54,243 --> 01:01:57,046 is that, well, I'm leaving for Tibet tomorrow, 1384 01:01:57,079 --> 01:01:58,948 you know, to get over Pat, 1385 01:01:58,981 --> 01:02:01,984 and I'm not so sure that's the right thing to do now, Pat. 1386 01:02:02,017 --> 01:02:05,120 Well, if you're asking for my advice, 1387 01:02:05,154 --> 01:02:06,522 and I guess you are, 1388 01:02:06,555 --> 01:02:08,524 I would say that this Path person 1389 01:02:08,557 --> 01:02:10,792 just sounds like a real nightmare. 1390 01:02:10,826 --> 01:02:14,096 I say hit the road and don't look back. 1391 01:02:14,129 --> 01:02:15,931 [chuckling] Next call. 1392 01:02:15,964 --> 01:02:17,199 But-- 1393 01:02:17,232 --> 01:02:18,400 Some people, I don't know 1394 01:02:18,433 --> 01:02:20,136 why they get hooked up with these losers 1395 01:02:20,169 --> 01:02:21,937 in the first place. 1396 01:02:21,970 --> 01:02:24,939 Listen, what I have to give you people is tough love. 1397 01:02:24,973 --> 01:02:27,009 It may not sound pretty, but I can help you. 1398 01:02:27,042 --> 01:02:28,944 That's right, I'm Pat. 1399 01:02:28,977 --> 01:02:30,946 I'm here to help you all night long. 1400 01:02:30,979 --> 01:02:33,281 andquot;Chris can be so frustrating. 1401 01:02:33,315 --> 01:02:35,117 andquot;I mean, who is wearing the pants 1402 01:02:35,150 --> 01:02:37,019 in our relationship anyway?andquot; 1403 01:02:37,052 --> 01:02:38,888 Exactly what I want to know! 1404 01:02:40,022 --> 01:02:41,790 andquot;I have a confession to make. 1405 01:02:41,824 --> 01:02:43,392 andquot;Dear Diary: 1406 01:02:43,425 --> 01:02:46,195 Something not even my closest friends know about me.andquot; 1407 01:02:50,365 --> 01:02:52,267 andquot;I haven't vacuumed under my couch 1408 01:02:52,301 --> 01:02:53,803 andquot;since I moved into my apartment. 1409 01:02:53,836 --> 01:02:56,272 There, I said it I feel so much better already.andquot; 1410 01:03:01,376 --> 01:03:02,812 That's it? 1411 01:03:04,246 --> 01:03:06,215 Th-Th-Th-That's all? 1412 01:03:06,248 --> 01:03:09,051 The most intimate record 1413 01:03:09,084 --> 01:03:12,053 of every detail of Pat's life, 1414 01:03:12,087 --> 01:03:16,559 and not a single clue about Pat's sex? 1415 01:03:16,592 --> 01:03:19,061 Why? 1416 01:03:19,094 --> 01:03:23,966 Why? That's so unfair! 1417 01:03:23,999 --> 01:03:28,837 I'm sleepy, and you people are boring me. 1418 01:03:28,871 --> 01:03:33,142 This is KVIB FM. I'm your host Pat. 1419 01:03:33,175 --> 01:03:34,977 Now let's take our next call, 1420 01:03:35,010 --> 01:03:37,180 and make it something lively! 1421 01:03:39,348 --> 01:03:41,517 [Eastern European accent] I'm wanting to be telling you 1422 01:03:41,550 --> 01:03:43,118 that I'm having something 1423 01:03:43,151 --> 01:03:45,120 that none of your other callers have. 1424 01:03:45,153 --> 01:03:47,957 What's that, your sanity? 1425 01:03:47,990 --> 01:03:50,225 No. Your diary. 1426 01:03:50,259 --> 01:03:52,862 What? Who is this? 1427 01:03:52,895 --> 01:03:56,565 All in good time, my little elusive friend. 1428 01:03:56,598 --> 01:04:00,336 And if you're ever wanting to see your diary again, 1429 01:04:00,369 --> 01:04:03,939 you'll be meeting me at Ripley's Odditorium 1430 01:04:03,972 --> 01:04:05,274 at high noon. 1431 01:04:05,307 --> 01:04:08,109 How do I know this isn't a crank call? 1432 01:04:08,143 --> 01:04:13,415 Have you been vacuuming under your couch lately? 1433 01:04:13,448 --> 01:04:15,151 [shuddering] 1434 01:04:26,395 --> 01:04:27,563 Excuse me. 1435 01:04:35,504 --> 01:04:36,906 [nervous chuckle] 1436 01:04:50,118 --> 01:04:52,288 Kyle: Psst. Hey. In here, 1437 01:04:52,321 --> 01:04:54,924 where we're less likely to be heard. 1438 01:04:56,024 --> 01:04:57,159 Oh. 1439 01:05:11,406 --> 01:05:15,244 Are you the lunatic who stole my diary? 1440 01:05:15,277 --> 01:05:18,648 You mean...this? 1441 01:05:20,182 --> 01:05:21,950 Yes. 1442 01:05:21,984 --> 01:05:26,020 Hey, you look kinda familiar. Do I know you? 1443 01:05:26,054 --> 01:05:27,323 No. 1444 01:05:28,657 --> 01:05:31,560 You didn't read the diary, did you? 1445 01:05:31,593 --> 01:05:35,029 Yes. I decoded it, 1446 01:05:35,063 --> 01:05:38,067 and I read every word. 1447 01:05:38,100 --> 01:05:40,502 Oh, I feel so naked. 1448 01:05:40,535 --> 01:05:43,672 And you know what? It didn't tell me diddly. 1449 01:05:43,705 --> 01:05:46,107 I know all about your happy childhood, 1450 01:05:46,141 --> 01:05:49,144 your countless jobs, your idiotic fantasies, 1451 01:05:49,177 --> 01:05:50,446 your stupid bath mat. 1452 01:05:50,479 --> 01:05:54,049 Stop! Stop! I can't hear anymore! 1453 01:05:54,082 --> 01:05:55,451 I know everything about you, Pat, 1454 01:05:55,484 --> 01:05:58,252 everything except the one thing I must know. 1455 01:05:58,286 --> 01:06:01,256 What else is there to know? 1456 01:06:01,289 --> 01:06:03,125 Take off your clothes. 1457 01:06:03,158 --> 01:06:06,428 What? You're nothing but a pervert. 1458 01:06:06,461 --> 01:06:08,229 Don't you see? 1459 01:06:08,263 --> 01:06:09,565 We were meant for each other. 1460 01:06:09,598 --> 01:06:11,033 We're like two complementary pieces 1461 01:06:11,066 --> 01:06:12,433 in the crazy jigsaw puzzle of love. 1462 01:06:12,467 --> 01:06:14,336 I just need to know how we fit together. 1463 01:06:14,369 --> 01:06:16,038 Ohh... 1464 01:06:16,071 --> 01:06:17,272 By uncovering the secret of you, 1465 01:06:17,305 --> 01:06:20,176 I uncover the secret of myself. 1466 01:06:22,277 --> 01:06:23,712 Kyle! 1467 01:06:23,745 --> 01:06:26,647 Now take off your clothes 1468 01:06:26,681 --> 01:06:30,686 if you ever want to see your diary alive again. 1469 01:06:30,719 --> 01:06:32,254 Ouggh. 1470 01:06:34,556 --> 01:06:36,559 No! 1471 01:06:47,169 --> 01:06:49,171 Where are you? 1472 01:06:49,204 --> 01:06:51,206 Pat! 1473 01:06:51,239 --> 01:06:54,543 Oh, Pat! Uh-oh! I see you. 1474 01:06:54,576 --> 01:06:57,246 Help! I'm being chased by a crazed doppelganger 1475 01:06:57,279 --> 01:06:59,148 who's reading my diary! 1476 01:06:59,181 --> 01:07:00,349 [laughing] 1477 01:07:00,382 --> 01:07:02,051 Ohh! 1478 01:07:06,288 --> 01:07:08,590 ♪ ...of your creator ♪ 1479 01:07:08,623 --> 01:07:11,560 ♪ Stare into the lion's eyes ♪ 1480 01:07:11,593 --> 01:07:14,229 ♪ And if you taste the candy ♪ 1481 01:07:14,262 --> 01:07:15,731 ♪ You'll get to the surprise ♪ 1482 01:07:15,764 --> 01:07:17,500 Kyle: Pat! 1483 01:07:21,169 --> 01:07:22,703 Hi. 1484 01:07:22,737 --> 01:07:24,173 Pat. 1485 01:07:25,574 --> 01:07:28,510 Don't run. You know you want me. 1486 01:07:28,543 --> 01:07:30,746 Surrender, my sweet. 1487 01:07:30,779 --> 01:07:32,248 [giggling] 1488 01:07:36,318 --> 01:07:39,755 Kyle, you just don't take a hint, do you? 1489 01:07:39,788 --> 01:07:42,491 Come to Papa, my little love dumpling. 1490 01:07:42,524 --> 01:07:45,259 Kyle, for the last time, you're not my type. 1491 01:07:45,293 --> 01:07:47,463 Don't-- Don't-- Don't say that, Pat. 1492 01:07:47,496 --> 01:07:49,531 Don't say that. 1493 01:07:49,564 --> 01:07:52,334 - We should be as one. - Ohh... 1494 01:07:52,367 --> 01:07:54,736 You and I. Huh? 1495 01:07:54,769 --> 01:07:56,671 - Kyle. - Pat. 1496 01:07:56,705 --> 01:07:58,540 Oh! Oh! Oh! 1497 01:07:58,573 --> 01:08:00,843 Oh, no! 1498 01:08:00,876 --> 01:08:03,145 - Pat! - Aah! 1499 01:08:03,178 --> 01:08:04,446 Help! 1500 01:08:06,348 --> 01:08:10,419 ♪ Don't get too close to my fantasy ♪ 1501 01:08:11,853 --> 01:08:13,789 ♪ Don't be afraid ♪ 1502 01:08:13,822 --> 01:08:17,126 ♪ To touch the hand of your creator ♪ 1503 01:08:17,158 --> 01:08:18,893 ♪ Stare into the lion's eyes ♪ 1504 01:08:18,926 --> 01:08:20,429 Hold on. 1505 01:08:20,462 --> 01:08:22,498 ♪ And if you taste the candy ♪ 1506 01:08:22,531 --> 01:08:25,568 ♪ You'll get to the surprise ♪ 1507 01:08:27,402 --> 01:08:32,508 ♪ Oh, don't get too close to my fantasy ♪ 1508 01:08:34,910 --> 01:08:36,412 [silence] 1509 01:08:40,682 --> 01:08:42,852 [chuckling] 1510 01:08:49,823 --> 01:08:51,460 [cheering] 1511 01:08:55,529 --> 01:08:57,465 Hey, buddy, what do you think you're doing out here? 1512 01:08:57,499 --> 01:09:00,402 No, no. Okay, I give up. Uncle, uncle, uncle. 1513 01:09:00,435 --> 01:09:02,838 Ahem. Then perhaps you could just tell me, 1514 01:09:02,871 --> 01:09:04,907 if that naked person is a man or a woman. 1515 01:09:04,939 --> 01:09:06,575 Show's over, weirdo. Come on. 1516 01:09:06,608 --> 01:09:07,776 No! 1517 01:09:11,712 --> 01:09:13,515 Pat! 1518 01:09:15,283 --> 01:09:16,452 Ohh... 1519 01:09:18,520 --> 01:09:21,390 Just one minute, Pat. We'll have this all stitched up. 1520 01:09:21,423 --> 01:09:23,291 Thank you. 1521 01:09:23,325 --> 01:09:25,794 Pat, can I tell you something? 1522 01:09:25,827 --> 01:09:29,331 We admire your persistence and your creativity, 1523 01:09:29,363 --> 01:09:30,698 but we meant it when we said 1524 01:09:30,732 --> 01:09:32,301 we only needed you for one show. 1525 01:09:32,334 --> 01:09:33,902 That's all right. 1526 01:09:33,935 --> 01:09:36,838 I'm tired of people looking at me. 1527 01:09:36,871 --> 01:09:39,274 I learned something about myself 1528 01:09:39,307 --> 01:09:40,908 when I was out there naked: 1529 01:09:40,942 --> 01:09:43,612 what it feels like to be naked 1530 01:09:43,645 --> 01:09:45,414 in front of lots of people. 1531 01:09:46,848 --> 01:09:48,817 I've had enough adulation. 1532 01:09:48,850 --> 01:09:51,320 I was happier when there was only one person 1533 01:09:51,353 --> 01:09:53,221 who stared at me when I was naked. 1534 01:09:55,624 --> 01:09:56,992 Oh, my God. 1535 01:09:57,025 --> 01:09:59,393 Chris. 1536 01:09:59,427 --> 01:10:00,763 Ohh! 1537 01:10:02,664 --> 01:10:05,867 Gladys Knight: ♪ I've had my share ♪ 1538 01:10:08,637 --> 01:10:11,607 ♪ Of life's ups and downs ♪ 1539 01:10:13,942 --> 01:10:16,512 ♪ But fate's been kind ♪ 1540 01:10:19,047 --> 01:10:25,620 ♪ The downs have been few ♪ 1541 01:10:25,654 --> 01:10:27,556 ♪ I guess you could say ♪ 1542 01:10:29,291 --> 01:10:32,828 ♪ That I've been lucky ♪ 1543 01:10:35,430 --> 01:10:38,000 ♪ Oh, I guess you could say ♪ 1544 01:10:39,934 --> 01:10:43,973 ♪ That it's all because of you ♪ 1545 01:10:46,007 --> 01:10:48,576 ♪ If anyone ♪ 1546 01:10:48,610 --> 01:10:50,812 ♪ Should ever write ♪ 1547 01:10:50,845 --> 01:10:53,649 ♪ My life story ♪ 1548 01:10:56,951 --> 01:10:58,654 Pips: ♪ For whatever ♪ 1549 01:10:58,687 --> 01:11:03,459 ♪ For whatever reason there might be ♪ 1550 01:11:05,794 --> 01:11:08,364 ♪ Ooh, you'd be there ♪ 1551 01:11:10,865 --> 01:11:15,271 ♪ Between each line of pain and glory ♪ 1552 01:11:17,372 --> 01:11:19,441 ♪ 'Cause you're the best thing ♪ 1553 01:11:19,474 --> 01:11:20,976 ♪ The best thing that ever happened ♪ 1554 01:11:21,009 --> 01:11:23,612 ♪ That ever happened to me ♪ 1555 01:11:23,645 --> 01:11:24,946 Chris! 1556 01:11:24,979 --> 01:11:26,648 ♪ ...that ever happened to me ♪ 1557 01:11:26,681 --> 01:11:28,450 Chris! 1558 01:11:28,483 --> 01:11:30,419 ♪ You're the best thing ♪ 1559 01:11:30,452 --> 01:11:31,787 Chris! 1560 01:11:31,820 --> 01:11:34,490 ♪ That ever happened to me ♪ 1561 01:11:38,026 --> 01:11:41,897 ♪ You're the best thing that ever happened to me ♪ 1562 01:11:41,930 --> 01:11:44,066 ♪ I know, you're the best... ♪ 1563 01:11:44,099 --> 01:11:45,567 Excuse me. Someone named Chris. 1564 01:11:45,600 --> 01:11:47,002 Chris! Chris! 1565 01:11:47,035 --> 01:11:48,704 To Paris? All right. 1566 01:11:48,737 --> 01:11:49,938 Excuse me? Have you seen Chris? 1567 01:11:49,971 --> 01:11:52,340 Have you seen Chris? Chris! 1568 01:11:53,608 --> 01:11:55,010 Pat. I-- 1569 01:11:55,043 --> 01:11:56,644 Hi. 1570 01:11:56,678 --> 01:11:58,513 Listen, I've been thinking about our relationship, 1571 01:11:58,546 --> 01:12:00,682 about everything we've gone through 1572 01:12:00,715 --> 01:12:03,051 and everything I said and how I behaved, 1573 01:12:03,084 --> 01:12:05,620 and I realized that 1574 01:12:05,653 --> 01:12:07,489 you need me! 1575 01:12:07,522 --> 01:12:10,058 I'm sorry, Pat. I have to go now. 1576 01:12:10,091 --> 01:12:11,660 But, Chris, I've had an epiphany 1577 01:12:11,693 --> 01:12:13,395 in front of thousands of people... 1578 01:12:13,428 --> 01:12:14,629 naked. 1579 01:12:14,662 --> 01:12:16,498 What? 1580 01:12:16,531 --> 01:12:19,901 I don't want fame and fortune. I want you. 1581 01:12:19,934 --> 01:12:21,704 You do, huh? 1582 01:12:22,904 --> 01:12:24,806 It's lonely at the top. 1583 01:12:24,839 --> 01:12:26,975 I miss having someone around 1584 01:12:27,008 --> 01:12:29,378 who loves dinner as much as I do. 1585 01:12:30,478 --> 01:12:31,680 And sunny days? 1586 01:12:31,713 --> 01:12:35,750 Chris, I'm really sorry. 1587 01:12:36,885 --> 01:12:38,787 Pat. 1588 01:12:38,820 --> 01:12:40,554 You've never said that before. 1589 01:12:40,588 --> 01:12:42,891 I just want to be your spouse. 1590 01:12:42,924 --> 01:12:45,560 I just want to be like a typical American. 1591 01:12:45,593 --> 01:12:47,763 I want to settle down and have a house 1592 01:12:47,796 --> 01:12:52,734 and 1.8 kids and lead a life of quiet desperation, 1593 01:12:52,767 --> 01:12:55,971 like these people here. 1594 01:12:56,004 --> 01:12:58,607 Come on, Chris, let's do it. 1595 01:12:58,640 --> 01:13:01,009 Oh, Pat. 1596 01:13:01,042 --> 01:13:02,444 Chris. 1597 01:13:12,053 --> 01:13:16,425 I guess my life is just one big romantic cliché: 1598 01:13:16,458 --> 01:13:18,559 boy meets girl, girl loses boy, 1599 01:13:18,593 --> 01:13:21,463 boy annoys girl, girl wants boy to act differently, 1600 01:13:21,496 --> 01:13:24,533 girl-- Well, you know, the same old story. 1601 01:13:24,566 --> 01:13:26,201 For richer or poorer. 1602 01:13:26,234 --> 01:13:28,136 For richer or poorer. 1603 01:13:28,169 --> 01:13:30,906 For as long as you both shall live. 1604 01:13:30,939 --> 01:13:33,175 You may kiss each other. 1605 01:13:36,511 --> 01:13:38,914 [cheering, applause] 1606 01:13:45,019 --> 01:13:47,722 Plato once said that the unexamined life 1607 01:13:47,755 --> 01:13:50,559 is not worth living. Well, I agree. 1608 01:13:50,592 --> 01:13:53,795 It wasn't until I took a long, hard look at my own life 1609 01:13:53,828 --> 01:13:55,997 that I realized what I really am: 1610 01:13:56,030 --> 01:13:57,666 I'm me! 1611 01:13:57,699 --> 01:13:59,500 It's not what you do that matters. 1612 01:13:59,534 --> 01:14:01,036 It's who you are. 1613 01:14:01,069 --> 01:14:03,805 And only then did I discover the truth. 1614 01:14:03,838 --> 01:14:05,173 Chris is my other half, 1615 01:14:05,206 --> 01:14:07,175 and together we make a whole. 1616 01:14:07,208 --> 01:14:10,077 I finally found a yin to go with my yang. 1617 01:14:10,111 --> 01:14:12,914 Or is that yang to go with my yin? 1618 01:14:12,947 --> 01:14:16,218 Well, in any case, I'm so lucky to be me. 1619 01:14:16,251 --> 01:14:17,586 [chuckling] 1620 01:14:22,557 --> 01:14:24,059 Hi, this is Kathy Griffin, 1621 01:14:24,092 --> 01:14:26,126 and yes, I'm back on andquot;Love Chat. 1622 01:14:26,160 --> 01:14:27,696 my guest today is Kyle, 1623 01:14:27,729 --> 01:14:30,065 who's gone through some love changes recently. 1624 01:14:30,098 --> 01:14:33,101 Now, Kyle, you are a transvestite, is that correct? 1625 01:14:33,134 --> 01:14:36,738 Well, um, Kathy, I'm dressed as a woman at the moment, 1626 01:14:36,771 --> 01:14:39,206 but I also like to dress like a man 1627 01:14:39,240 --> 01:14:40,842 sometimes. 1628 01:14:40,875 --> 01:14:43,678 Okay, well, do your sexual fantasies change, 1629 01:14:43,711 --> 01:14:45,580 depending on how you're dressed? 1630 01:14:45,613 --> 01:14:49,651 No. No, no, I always fantasize about the same... 1631 01:14:49,684 --> 01:14:51,686 person. 1632 01:14:51,719 --> 01:14:53,188 ♪ [piano] 1633 01:14:53,221 --> 01:14:55,757 ♪ A lot of people say andquot;What's that? 1634 01:14:55,790 --> 01:14:57,192 ♪ It's Pat ♪ 1635 01:14:57,225 --> 01:14:59,027 ♪ Ma'am or a sir ♪ 1636 01:14:59,060 --> 01:15:00,695 ♪ Accept him or her ♪ 1637 01:15:00,728 --> 01:15:03,565 ♪ For whatever it might be ♪ 1638 01:15:03,598 --> 01:15:06,001 ♪ It's time for androgyny ♪ 1639 01:15:06,034 --> 01:15:07,870 ♪ Here comes Pat ♪