Original subtitles

Previously on The Real L Word...

I'm just dealing with something

very odd right now.

Is this about Rachel?

Kind of.

Would you just hold me like a person?

I do, but I just...

I think that it's sort of classic Rachel behavior

to bottle everything up and try to self-medicate.

I gave up my fuckin' life.

Whitney is hard to break through, you know?

I wish she would get out of Whitney world

and, you know, realize that I'm drowning

a little here, you know?

Wow. That's... that's you on the inside.

- You're ready. - So today's the day?

Mm-hmm.

I just can't believe we're here.

And now, we just have to wait.

Caes, I am holding your dick right now.

Cori and Kacy are going to the doctor this week

to try to get inseminated.

But if it doesn't work,

we got a backup plan: The inseminator.

I started getting cramps,

and I got my period.

And, like, no matter how hard I tried

not to get my hopes up...

it just made me realize it might not be

as easy as I would like it to be.

- I'm a month sober. - A month?

- So today's your one month? - Yeah.

Romi literally has done a 180.

I'm very proud of you.

How are you and Kelsey doing?

We are in two different worlds right now.

Well, I don't know if I'm gonna give up alcohol forever, hon.

I think you think because you're not drinking right now

that you don't have a drinking problem.

I'm not the one with the problem. Romi is.

I'm just saying down the road,

I might have a drink or two,

I might have a fucking beer. It's not that big of a deal.

Do you like my collection of lesbian magazines?

Why don't I invite my mom over and go like this?

My parents don't know I'm gay. My mother, she's like,

"well, how are you gonna have a baby if you keep

hanging around with girls?" And I'm like, "oh, my God."

- [Cell phone rings] - What's up, mom?

Mom, that's my personal Facebook.

What do you mean?

That's not fair, mom.

I'm really uncomfortable in new social situations.

I slump into this quiet zone.

You're not allowing me my time

to know these people on my own terms.

I'm not gonna change, 'cause...

Part of being in a relationship...

Well, fuck it. I give up!

I quit. I quit. I quit.

[Love darling's hazy]

♪ It was just the other night ♪

♪ I don't wanna think about it ♪

♪ I don't wanna start a fight ♪

♪ I don't wanna think about it ♪

♪ every time I take a step left, right ♪

♪ yeah, I think I'm gonna sleep real good tonight ♪

♪ just think about it ♪

♪ you'll find a way to make me crazy ♪

♪ hazy ♪

♪ so hypnotized ♪

♪ think of the blue skies, new eyes ♪

♪ and I'll never roam again ♪

♪ and I'm back in love again ♪

♪ find my way back home again ♪

synced and corrected by chamallow www.addic7ed.com

♪ I'm not a south belle confederate ♪

♪ Southern girl ♪

♪ with a thing for disaster and a baby girl ♪

♪ one for the money ♪

♪ two for the show ♪

♪ whoa, oh ♪

♪ I've got you underneath my skin ♪

♪ I can't think of how I let you in ♪

It was really tough to see my relationship with Chanel end,

because I never felt the way she made me feel.

Like, I already miss that feeling,

but I've got a little bit of growing up to do in my sexuality

and just kinda get... still getting stable in Los Angeles.

Let's go get sugar mama.

♪ They all tell me your sins ♪

♪ I let you underneath my skin ♪

- Hey, Sajdi! - Hey, mommy.

So I've invited my mother out here,

because I know just having her out here

will make me feel better. I mean, she's my mom.

So, like, if I'm at my weakest point,

there's no one that can pick me back up like my mother.

Um, so I definitely need her out here right now.

- That was a long flight. - Yeah?

- Mm-hmm. - Did you sleep?

Yeah. Look, those are the girls I met on the plane.

That is crazy.

You would meet lesbians on the plane.

I know. I said, "what's your name?" She said, "Ace."

I said, "your mother ain't name you that."

- Ashley. - She said "Ashley."

- How do you know? - Ace... Ashley.

- I said, "aw." - If it's Ace,

it's 'cause she had a girl name, and she ain't want it.

I am nervous about having my mother here,

because my life is very different in L.A.

Than it was when I was on the east coast.

Like, I dress differently, I kiss girls, you know,

like, have a gay job... like, everything's just kinda gay,

and I don't know if she's ready to absorb all of that.

That was a long... I had to get me a shot of Jack Daniels,

- 'cause it was like... - You took some Jack?

I sure did. I sure did. Got me some Jack Daniels.

I can't believe you're out here.

- Me either. I miss you. - I miss you, too, ma.

I cried all the way to the airport.

Did you? Oh, to you, I sure did.

Doctor said, "stop crying, sugar mama."

My mother is the absolute strongest person I've ever known.

She was 16 when I was born,

and my grandmother was murdered a year after that.

My great grandmother died three years after that.

Now you have this 21-year-old with a 5-year-old,

and absolutely no resources... like, just her and I.

Like, she's fuckin' amazing.

Don't cry. Just upstairs, don't cry.

- Let's go. I'm hungry. - You hungry?

Yeah, I'm hungry. I stay hungry.

♪ Mama taught me ♪

♪ this just might prove it right ♪

♪ and mama says it is you ♪

Jesus, God, I just thank and praise you for a safe trip.

Lord God, I just thank and praise you for this food,

- and we pray, amen. - Amen.

Ooh, look at all that sugar.

- Chanel is gone. - You sad?

A little bit?

Like, God orchestrates everything...

- right. - Right?

- Everything... beginning and end. - Everything...

So you would think that he'd, like, orchestrate our lives

so that when we met, we'd understand each other.

But, like, it was just, like,

constant misunderstandings.

I mean, like, the silliest little things.

Because y'all... I mean, y'all are both different,

and you gotta be willing to work through it, you know?

It's easy saying, "yeah,

I'm willing to work through this,"

but then when the time comes to work,

y'all both go your separate ways.

You, it was just too much, too fast.

I mean, not trying to sound cold,

but that's part of life.

I mean, that's just how it goes.

So it'll be all right.

My mother's right. Chanel and I moved way too fast

to really get to understand each other.

It's not even, like, her. It's, like, if I meet someone else,

I don't want to be going through those same things, you know?

But you're still young. You'll get over it.

My mother's really the first one I've told

about the breakup with Chanel, and it's like,

the more I talk about it, the more I miss her.

I miss her now.

You'll probably have many, many more between all of that.

Okay, I don't want to talk about that.

That's fine. I'm sleepy. I don't want to talk anyway.

- What happened to your pants? - What?

- Them holes. - They're made like this.

Oh, really? You bought 'em out the store like that?

Yeah, that's what's hot.

[Dance music]

♪ ♪

- Would you like some bread? - I'm good, thanks.

My doctor told me I should lay off a little bit.

Getting old, dude.

- Two kids... - Fuck you!

Not funny! You're, like, 27.

I just turned 30 last week.

- What? - Yeah.

My friend Drea came into town from New York for business.

Her and her partner have, uh, twin one-year-olds,

and it's just... I just need to sit down and talk to somebody

who, like, who knows about this whole insemination process.

Okay, I know this is slightly personal, but, like...

It's cool. You can ask me whatever you want.

Did you guys have sex before the insemination?

No, this isn't tv. This isn't like...

we're not in the room, like, as they inseminate,

fucking, like, eating her out.

Sorry, that didn't happen.

It was more like,

"this is so weird... don't move, don't move."

So how's the process been so far?

Um...

unsuccessful so far.

How many times? We've only had one... just one.

One is nothing. You can't get down in the dumps over one.

It's almost like it's a... you know...

Have you met my wife?

Your first time stepping up to bat.

If you don't... yeah, she wanted to hit a home run.

Did you guys ever think that you wouldn't get pregnant?

It started to get more and more sort of demoralizing

as, like, the further along we went,

and the whole process

from start to finish took just over a year,

but we did seven inseminations...

seven inseminations in seven months.

Seven fuckin' times.

Seven of those car rides?

Like, I mean, fuck, man.

It really put it into perspective.

Like, try two, try three, try...

you just get more and more, like, depressed.

It just gets worse and worse and worse.

You don't even know, like, the legal issues

you have to deal with afterwards, like the adoption,

and lawyers, and all of that.

But it just gets better and better,

and then... then he's in school and...

just give up now.

- I'll give you one of mine. - Okay.

Which one are you gonna give up?

[Dance music]

♪ ♪

Add more butter in there. Throw whatever you want in.

Oh, my gosh, you're so unhealthy the way you cook.

[Gasps] You don't know...

You just put so much butter in there, honey.

Hey, sexy mama.

- Hi, honey. How are you? - How are you guys?

Where is everybody? Look how good it looks.

- Wow. - Franny, it looks so cute.

Let's sit. Let's eat.

- Is that beets in that salad? - This looks so yummy.

- That's beets? - Thank you, Khristianne.

- You're welcome. - Thank you.

- Clink, clink. - Cheers, everyone.

So, guys, uh, Franny's, um,

gonna come out to her mom next week.

- She's coming to town? - Mm-hmm.

But I'm scared.

My mom's coming into town next week,

and I just don't know the right words.

My mom goes like this, "oh, Claire's so pretty,

but she walked like this... "

[Laughter]

Like, "is she... is she funny kind of girl... funny kind of girl?"

Oh! Oh!

I was with Claire for 3 1/2 years,

but I played it off like we were friends to my family.

And I think that once I can move past that,

it's, like, a big burden will be off my shoulders,

and I can have a more honest relationship with my parents,

so why not?

Do it on tv! Just kidding.

I was so worried.

What are you gonna say to her?

Yeah, what are you gonna say to her?

I don't know. I'm gonna say, you know, it's like,

"because it's what's inside that counts."

Your girlfriend's laughing at you.

- You know what? - It's very hard.

It's serious... it's hard. It is very...

My mom was not cool. My mom was not cool

- for a very long time. - She wasn't? How old were you?

- I was 15. - She wasn't cool until...

- 15? - You know,

my father passed away, and I would be like,

"oh, man, you know, I wish he would have

walked me down the aisle," or something, and she'd be like,

"he would never have done that anyway,"

or, like, she would make comments

that would, like, hurt me, you know?

Yeah.

And then when my, like, sister came out,

- my mom was like... - Your sister's gay, too?

Yeah.

We're ten years apart, so she's 21...

- Oh, wow. - And she's like,

"oh, well, she's just trying to be like you."

Crazy, though.

And finally I was like, "do you know what, mom?

You might do hair to be like me,

but you don't eat pussy to be like your big sister."

- And we didn't... and I... - Oh!

- Oh, my God! - Yeah, I did. I did.

- Holy shit. - Yeah, and I hung up the phone,

and I remember it was very hard for me, and you were like,

"just end it. You can't live your life for her."

And I hung up, and I didn't talk to my mom for two months.

You're not... are you gonna, like, sit her down,

- and make it all dramatic? - Oh, my God.

- No! - Do a Powerpoint thing.

- Oh, my God! - Remember when I was five...

Oh, my God!

I just need to be honest.

At the end of the day, how are you gonna have a relationship

or really let your parents know who you are

if you don't share with them?

Um, Kels today goes...

You said that?

Oh. I was like...

- I don't know what to say. - Oh, oh.

- We have been laughing. - 'Cause it's funny.

- I know, it is. - Plus, like,

would you not want me... like, do you want...

We have the same humor.

But do you want me to be like this...

Don't... don't look at me, and don't laugh.

- Ever. I'm serious. - But I was like...

You're not funny.

Take that plate in the kitchen.

- Like, serious... - Very... pshh.

- Are we bringing it all in? - I don't know.

Okay. But I was like, how's it, like...

- Walk with your head down. - Shut up!

♪ Run like hell ♪

♪ and fall behind ♪

♪ victory, no finish lines ♪

♪ here and now nobody hears you ♪

♪ floating up into thin air ♪

Do you want to write the list for me?

A list for the party?

Sure.

Do you want me to write things down, and you dictate?

Yeah. You want to go outside?

- I guess. Do I have a choice? - No.

- All the patio furniture's wet. - No, it's not,

I sat on it this morning and read.

So Juicy was a great success,

and now that I know that I have, you know,

some ability to draw in a crowd,

I want to use it for a greater cause,

and host events that can, you know,

give back to the community,

so I want to create a lesbian field day

to raise money for charity.

I'm calling it the "Pants versus pumps throw down."

It's basically pinning the more butch girls

versus the more femme girls,

and seeing who is victorious.

Let's make a list of who's competing.

- All right. - Pumps...

Pants. Me.

For example, I'm pants,

'cause I know how to swing a hammer.

Alyssa's pumps. Pumps like to femme it up a little more.

They might take a little more time

doing their eye makeup before they go out.

Um,

- Romi is on pumps. - Romi.

Kelsey?

- Oh, yeah. Kelsey. - Pants.

- Sara may not come. - Really?

She'll probably bring Erica if she comes.

Rachel... pumps.

Rachel, yeah.

Did... have you spoken to her, by the way?

No, not a lot.

She's mentioned a couple times that she feels sort of like,

you know, there's been... there's been situations

where she's wanted you to, like, talk to, you know?

She was like, "I just feel like she just keeps brushing me off,

and, like, brushing off important moments,

or important things where it's like,

a good friend would, like, want to make sure that I'm okay."

Being both Whitney's friend and Rachel's friend,

it's sort of my job as a good friend

to kind of shake Whitney into realizing,

"oh, shit, this is my...

also my good friend. I need to help her out."

She feels like she's just sort of, like,

background noise in your life right now.

I mean, that's not the case at all.

I just, like, it was weird dealing with her,

because she's so erratic,

you know?

I think she still wants to feel like somebody

that you care about in your life, you know?

I do care about her.

I mean, I only want the best for Rachel,

and I didn't have any idea that she felt that strongly.

Pfft!

And maybe I have been distracted from helping her.

Just make a little effort.

I'll ask her to have lunch.

- All right. - All right.

Back to the list.

[Dogs barking] [Clears throat]

♪ Who are these girls ♪

♪ these girls, making it happen ♪

♪ these girls, these girls, running the show ♪

- Gonna do what I want to do. - You're going to go drink?

Yeah, I'm trying to go drink...

I had one glass of wine, Romi!

- Where are you going? - Stop yelling at me. Fuck!

Well, if this isn't how you're gonna fucking deal with it,

just tell me, 'cause I had a whole night planned...

- and then just leave. - I'm not going anywhere, Romi.

You don't see anything wrong in this?

You don't feel like you did anything wrong?

Nothing?

We made a promise to each other that we were not gonna drink

and that you were gonna support me in my sobriety.

Your first night away from me, you went and drank,

and then right before dinner...

which I fucking just made dinner reservations,

had a whole night planned out for us,

you want to casually throw out to me,

"oh, I had a glass of wine."

A few nights ago, Kelsey was at her mom's,

and I think that that kind of gave Kelsey

the "freedom to do what I want" kind of thing,

and basically, did what she wanted.

And then I ask her, "did you go to a bar, did you have a drink,

anything like that?" And that's when she just

kind of casually was like, "yeah, I had a drink."

Maybe you don't realize how much it meant to me.

Maybe you don't realize what I'm going through with it

and that you promised me that you would do it with me,

and that you would stop drinking

because you thought that you had a problem.

I had one glass of wine.

It doesn't... what if I said I had one glass of wine?

- You're not gonna go to a bar? - It was the situation.

I didn't just go to a random bar.

I was hanging out with my sister.

I don't care if you were with your fucking grandma!

I think that it just felt like...

it just wasn't a big deal to her.

♪ I need a blank page ♪

♪ open slate, a new beginning ♪

And that if I'm not around to watch her

or say no, that it really didn't matter to her.

I want the support, and I want to, like, trust her,

and I don't want a relationship

where we're trying to do a life change

and be in it together,

and the minute we're not together,

we're not on the same page.

I think that you should come here,

and we should figure out what we're doing in our relationship.

♪ You are gone ♪

♪ but you're not gone at all ♪

We've gotta figure out what we're doing next, right?

I mean, I feel like it's definitely taking its toll,

and it's only been round one.

Think about it.

Every person that we've talked to,

every story that we've heard, not one of them says,

"it happened on the first couple of times,"

or even third time, fourth time.

It's, like, seven times or more.

- Yeah. - You know?

I mean, this is getting expensive.

Like, one vial... $640.

To ship it,

$200.

Now insurance only covers two procedures.

I think that's roughly, like, $600 or $700.

Plus storage... $40 a month.

Oh, plus another month of storage,

so that's actually...

so we're looking at $2,820 a month.

[Laughs nervously]

There goes the college fund.

That's half our month in take-home.

It's just getting scary, like, I mean,

$2,800 a month, for a year?

I've kind of lost my appetite.

We just kind of have to figure out what the next move is.

Obviously, it's not easy.

I think that we need to find a live person.

A what?

A live person.

What do you mean, "a live person"?

- I don't know. - Like, a different donor?

Yeah, but, like, a person... like... I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know.

I just don't understand why you...

Oh! Don't yell.

I am gonna yell, 'cause you just made me emotional.

And please don't go like this again, like...

Oh, don't yell at me about this.

- Stressed out enough. - Fucking ditto.

- You can't just say... - Stop yelling at me.

I'm not yelling at you,

but you can't just say something like that

out of nowhere, you know?

It's just, like, faithless.

You know?

I... how am I supposed to have faith

when everybody we talk to

says it takes seven cycles, ten years?

Because they all have fucking babies.

- Yeah, but... - Who cares...

We only have one more try... this one time...

That's not true. That is not true.

And I don't want to start over...

I can't do this right now, if you're going to scream at me.

I gotta go check on my wife. I'll be right back.

♪ None of that trash, you're saying too much ♪

♪ just shut up, shut up, and let me out ♪

♪ hush, hush, there's no need to rush ♪

♪ I just want to talk ♪

♪ one last time before we go ♪

Sean!

- Hi. Hi, guys. - Hi.

Working at the Vote For Equality

was the first time after I came out

that I was able to just do the work that's important to me

and not worry about my sexual orientation.

Like, that level of comfort that I get from them

is what motivates me to do the work that I do,

because I want the rest of the world to feel that way.

- This is my mom. - Hi, nice to meet you.

Welcome.

It's gonna be interesting to see my mom in that atmosphere,

you know, to see her in these areas

that I've grown so comfortable in.

Who here has been to a... to a night of action before?

- Whoo! - Who here is new tonight?

- Yay! - Awesome, thank you for coming.

Hello, everybody. A little mini-refresher.

Vote For Equality,

part of the L.A. gay and lesbian center here,

and we go out into different areas of Los Angeles

to talk one-on-one with voters.

So because personal stories are so important,

we're gonna be doing a small group exercise.

Things that we're gonna be sharing are things

such as, like, why is this work important to us?

What motivates us to do it?

And also, what about it is just motivational?

Let's count off in sevens.

We split everyone into small groups,

and I'm a little nervous,

because my mom isn't usually extremely sensitive

to L.G.B.T., like, rights and concerns.

You know, like, she calls me gay all the time,

so I'm just hoping she's patient and accepting.

I was also slightly nervous that she'd be uncomfortable.

[Laughs] I'm Tracy.

- Tracy. I'm Abby. - Abby, nice to meet you.

- I'm Rita. - Rita, nice to meet you.

- Likewise. - Well, my personal story,

the reason why I'm motivated is I actually got married.

I remember when we were announced spouse and spouse,

and we turned around, and we saw our moms,

and they were crying tears of joy,

it was in that moment that I knew I couldn't stop fighting,

'cause it just... everyone deserves to see their moms cry.

With me, it's my daughter.

She always went through phases,

- you know? - Right.

And she came, was like, "mom, I'm gay."

I was like, "yeah, right."

When Sajdah told me that she was a lesbian,

at first I thought maybe she was going through another phase.

But I would go on Facebook,

and I said to my husband,

"she is really gay.

She is really liking girls."

That's still something

that I have to get used to,

and I have to work on.

Anything about your identity that you wish to share

and preferred pronoun?

Um, I'm Abby.

I'm gay. Female pronouns.

Um, our group was cool.

You're, like, our mom, who, like, came out here

- from north Carolina... - Mm-hmm.

To, like, be here for your daughter,

- which I think is, like, so cool. - Mm-hmm.

I'm Sorita. Straight. Sajdah's mom.

I just think that it's beautiful for you all

to, you know, just stand up for your rights,

and fight for what you truly, truly believe in.

Just seeing my mom there, I realize that, you know,

there may have been a little discomfort on her part,

and I know that she's experiencing a lot.

Unlike her, I was able to, like,

gradually move into this lifestyle change,

and now after I've decided exactly where I want to be,

I'm kind of, like, dumping it on her.

- What'd you think of it? - It was interesting.

I'm glad you came.

[Dance music]

♪ ♪

You're upset with me because I'm having a reaction...

a very strong reaction to something that you just said.

You know, since we've decided

we were gonna go with the sperm bank, I just realized that

I really don't think I'm strong enough to handle a known donor.

I think it's unfair of you to get so upset with me

- for just having a re... - I'm not upset with you.

I'm upset that you're yelling at me.

You're upset with me...

you're upset with me because of...

You are upset.

- Cori, let me... - You're the one who's angry.

Like, I don't get it.

You have no idea what it's like from my side.

If we go back to the beginning, I just...

I feel so far away again,

to sit there, and to just be told, like,

this is... like, I have to put such an investment

into this sperm, this guy,

and when you said that, I had that reaction,

because, like...

I thought we were here, and it's just like...

but... and we are here, and this is great,

and if it works this time, fucking hallelujah.

- Okay, just... - Like, seriously, babe,

but after this time, we're at square one again.

We have no more sperm.

All of this has been bubbling up,

but you have to give me a break here.

You have to give me a break.

I really just felt like you jumping to the reaction

of going back to square one... it scared the shit out of me,

and it got me really upset and anxious.

So I'm sorry, but...

No, no "but." I'm sorry.

I... that's... that was my reaction.

I just want to come together and, you know,

come back to where we were.

We were in a good place.

But I want to take each step together.

I guess I'm just realizing

that from Kacy's perspective,

to have this person who is biologically

related to your child, and you're not...

that's gotta be frightening for her.

Just... I'm asking you to just trust...

trust this process with me.

I guess I need to be a little bit more sensitive

to what you're going through.

I imagine it's got to be a lot harder,

because I am getting pregnant, but, you know,

it's gonna be me and you forever.

I love you.

I love you, too.

Don't fucking yell at me anymore.

Don't tell me to shush anymore.

♪ Don't know you ♪

♪ don't need me ♪

♪ I know it's all my fault ♪

♪ but I don't want to live without you ♪

I don't feel like it's fair

for you to put so much pressure on me.

The fact that you don't think it's even a big deal

lets me know that you don't understand this at all.

I understand your sobriety, baby.

So what does it mean to me having my girlfriend

not drink with me right now,

in the hardest time for me?

What does it mean to me?

I cannot date you while you drink.

I can't do it and get sober.

I can't.

You can't be so selfish to put all this pressure on me.

I have to want to do it, you know?

I told you to go because I didn't want you to resent me,

and you gave me some bullshit

like you wanted to stay and get through this.

Romi can be very selfish.

I think she lives in a world where it's all about Romi.

In any relationship, no one's gonna hit all the expectations

that you want them to be at. No one's perfect.

And sometimes you have to give, and you have to take,

and I was giving so much of myself,

but I... it wasn't reciprocated.

It was still about Romi.

I understand this is a lot for you right now,

and it's hard for you, but taking it out on me,

'cause this is your problem... that's not okay.

Maybe I need to do it by myself.

Maybe.

I'm sorry, Kels,

but the person that I was with you

is not here anymore.

Sorry that I don't...

I can't go get drunk with you.

I know that you miss that.

I can't be that right now.

♪ Lately, this world seems kind of strange ♪

♪ has my perception changed? ♪

♪ am I losing the war? ♪

♪ enemies that only you could see ♪

So fucking dumb.

[Sobs]

God.

♪ Tell me how hard would you fight ♪

♪ if everything was slipping away ♪

♪ before you just lay down and die? ♪

♪ get up and clap your hands ♪

♪ get down and stomp your feet ♪

♪ oh, this is not my world, babe ♪

♪ I'm gonna live and love ♪

♪ I'm gonna do what I want ♪

♪ oh, this is not my world, babe ♪

So I've been hearing a lot about this one church,

and been eager to visit.

It's my mother's last day here,

so I figure it's a perfect time,

you know, to check out a new church.

- That's fresh. Look, ma. - Oh, lord.

- What that mean? - I mean, it looks good.

- Oh, boy. - No, you do.

I was saying "oh, lord,"

'cause you look just like a little, uh, young man.

A young man?

When I sent Sajdah out to California,

I sent her out with ballet flats, blouses,

Gucci bags, makeup... all of that.

And she don't use any of those anymore.

God!

I'm gonna be too pretty to pay attention at church.

Going to church, like,

I think it'll really help her see

that I'm still her same daughter.

I haven't, like, disconnected from my religious values,

and it'll help her be a lot more supportive

- of where I am right now. - Okay.

♪ Why are we too blind to see ♪

♪ that our souls are made of gold? ♪

[Dance music]

♪ ♪

I grew up in a Christian church,

and I'm talkin' Bible study on Wednesday,

choir rehearsal Saturday morning,

church Sunday morning and church Sunday night.

We were "churched" to death.

The people don't look like I expected.

How'd you expect them to look?

They said it was gay people, and don't nobody look gay to me.

No, it doesn't mean the church is gay.

It's a welcoming church.

Like, they don't make you feel bad for being gay.

Okay.

I don't think the church is what my mother expected,

because she just thought it'd be full of rainbows

and homos.

I think you're getting a feel for what I'm saying.

Esteem comes from works.

Manifestation comes from self-love.

There's parts of yourself

that you know that it is you.

You're black... you can't change that.

You're gay... you can't change that.

You're straight... you can't change that.

You're tall... you can't change that.

There's things there that you're not going to change.

- But you have to accept yourself. - Amen.

You have to accept... accept the facts of your existence.

- Mm-hmm. - If you're tall, you're short,

you're black, you're white, you're straight, you're gay...

whatever the case may be, people accept that.

Just look around and see who's with you for a second,

just a quick gander.

What a tremendous bouquet of humanity

that's here in the sanctuary,

and look at that individual and say, "you know what?

- We're getting free today." - We're getting free today.

- Both of us. - Both of us.

- All of us. - All of us.

- Together. - Together.

Give me some agreement, give me five, give me love,

give me a hug, give me something.

I was 16 when I had Sajdah,

and I didn't even realize that I was pregnant

until I was probably, like, seven, eight months,

'cause I was just that ignorant.

I didn't know anything about the female body

or anything.

So that's why I think

her life is the way that it is,

because she was in pure innocence,

and I just... I really wanted to make sure

that she wasn't as naive

as I was growing up.

So I asked Sajdah to do one thing for me...

go to school, get a good education,

and she's done just that.

So now if she chooses

to love on a woman,

marry a woman,

bring me some vitro babies,

I am fine.

I am.

♪ If I laugh ♪

♪ if I cry ♪

♪ if I only had one day ♪

♪ to be by your side ♪

♪ you would see ♪

♪ in my eyes ♪

I'll have the cran-ginger salad

- with the salmon, please. - For you?

Can I have the... um, the mediterranean salad

with no onions, and the salmon?

Anyway, I haven't really seen you a lot.

I know.

I mean, I don't really feel like we hang out at all.

When you came out here, like, I don't know,

it's been a weird little whirlwind of things.

Honestly, like, I feel like when I see you sometimes,

like, you...

I don't know what your deal is.

- My deal? - Yeah.

I mean, I've been, like,

struggling with things a little bit, you know?

I am here for you, for your support.

I feel like I have reached out to you, and it's just like,

you're bus... too busy to deal with it.

But, like, the thing is, when I'm looking at you,

and you're fucked up on something...

- Mm-hmm. - And I say to you, like,

for your own good,

like, "Rachel, I'm try... Like, what's up?"

You know, and I tried to make it light-hearted at first,

and you're like, "what are you talking about?"

That's not true.

I mean, I'm getting myself under control...

I am definitely, you know, like...

That's not true, and you know that.

Yeah.

I come from addiction,

and I know what things look like and behaviors look like.

When I was young, I had a problem,

like, for sure,

and then when I was a senior in high school,

you know, just as I was really starting to get clean with it,

my best friend passed away from drugs.

And I don't want to see that ever happen

to anybody that I care about again.

[Sighs]

You've gone through a lot in your life.

Like, you have so much sad, like, stuff you haven't faced.

Like, I saw it when we were together, and I see it now.

You know, and it's like you take things

to make the pain go away, or to feel numb, you know?

Yeah. I mean, duh.

You have, like, a support system

that you can talk about, you know?

I just...

I don't know how to, you know?

It's like, I don't want to talk about it.

It just makes me sad, you know?

[Sniffles]

I know, but you can't do this.

Like, it's gonna, like...

- Kill me. - Kill you.

I mean, like, I... I don't care.

I mean, sometimes I'm honestly surprised that I wake up,

you know?

Like, and be... I've been surprised before,

where I'm like,

"hmm, here I am."

That scares me.

It's scary,

because you never know what's gonna happen.

Like, you could mix something, you could take something,

and you could not wake up.

Like, do you understand that? I want to, like, shake her.

Like, "you could not wake up,

"and it's not fair to yourself

and to the people that care about you."

I'm... I'm totally drowning right now,

and honestly,

uh, I really just don't care,

and I don't want to live anymore like this.

I mean, how do you want... do you want to see someone?

I don't have any... I don't have the money, like...

It doesn't matter about money. What do you need?

Like, do you need somebody to pay for somebody,

for you to go see someone?

Like, I'll pay for it.

It makes me feel ashamed.

- But why? - I don't know.

I mean, this is... taking the first step,

like, just know that you have,

like, so much love around you.

But I need you to help me.

I swear to God, I will help you.

All right. Can you just hug me?

Hug me. Hug me right now.

Okay. [Sobs]

♪ In your bedroom ♪

♪ under your covers ♪

♪ that is you ♪

♪ I don't want to find you lost ♪

♪ so let me know now ♪

I've realized that I can't do this anymore.

I didn't break up with Kelsey

because she wouldn't stop drinking.

I broke up with Kelsey because she didn't understand

why it was important to stop drinking.

So Kelsey is going to go stay with a friend for a little bit

until she figures out where she's gonna go.

♪ I don't want to find you gone ♪

You know, I'm tired of being accused of shit I don't do.

♪ I don't want to find you lost ♪

All they do is lie.

- Hi. - Hey.

I'm so used to moving. [Chuckles]

Well, hopefully, you'll get a place of your own,

and then you won't have to move all the time.

Your bike... you're gonna have to come get it this week.

Yeah, I will.

Don't spend all your money,

because you can save up and get an apartment, you know?

You won't have to worry about me anymore, Romi.

Kels, I'm always gonna worry about you,

and I'm always here.

Oh, I feel sick about this.

You have to at least let me know when you're coming by.

You can't just come in, you know?

Why, you gonna have someone over?

No, just respectful. I don't want to think

that somebody's just able to come in through my house.

I'm gonna be coming back here tomorrow.

Why? Not tomorrow, like, let's have a minute.

I need... I need, Kels...

- "I need, I need, I need." - Like, a break.

- "I need, I need, I need." - A little break.

And then we'll be fine.

If you don't give me that little minute of space,

it's gonna be hard for me to like...

Girl, I'm gonna give you plenty of space.

Okay. You don't have to worry.

I'm not worried,

because no one else will treat you the way I treated you.

- No one will. - And you'll see.

♪ Our separate ways ♪

Sorry to say it to you, Romi, but you're gonna have regrets.

Am I?

You are.

♪ And the chance of you and I ♪

♪ are all that I see ♪

♪ everything's out of focus ♪

♪ all the colors, every dream ♪

♪ are coming together ♪

♪ they all melt ♪

You gonna be okay?

Mm-hmm.

Just text me tonight and let me know that you're okay.

It's gonna be weird, 'cause it's like the first night, you know?

Romi, I'm just in a weird place in my head.

It's... I can't... I haven't even really fully processed it.

No, I know, I can tell

when you're kind of just, like, checked out.

And, I mean, I haven't even really cried about it,

'cause I haven't had a chance... 'cause I... I can't.

I can't sit around and cry and mope.

And I think I won't go there with it,

'cause I'm not gonna let myself.

I think that's smart, Kels.

Yeah, well...

Okay.

I'm gonna call you when I get home.

- Okay? - Mm.

Let's get out and do this.

- I need to know that you're okay. - No, I'm fine.

- Hey, guys. - Thank you.

Hi!

If she needs anything, you call me.

There was definitely a part of our relationship

where I was very much, like,

this nurturer in a way, like a mom.

She's just young,

and she's young in numbers,

but she's just young in life.

I get paid next week. If she needs some food for here...

- Oh, yeah. - And you guys need some food,

- I'll go get some food. - Hell yeah.

- Okay? - All right.

So you can help out a little bit, okay?

- You good, babe? - Good.

[Sighs]

I mean, it's really sad, like, it's just...

I know that this is totally the right thing,

and I know in my heart that this was the best thing,

but, like, I'm... it's hitting me now.

[Sighs]

I just want to make sure she's okay,

and I have to realize that Kelsey's an adult

and a grown person

and can take care of herself,

and this responsibility

and this thing in my heart to take care of her

is way too much.

♪ The story of a broken heart ♪

♪ I'll stand up and I tell you ♪

♪ now everything was torn apart ♪

♪ and no one else could feel you ♪

So I'm taking my mom to the airport tomorrow.

It's tough seeing her leave.

What is this? You see this spot?

I'm gettin' all types of stuff since I've been out here.

I'm itchin' now.

You might need to get outta here.

[Laughs]

I don't want you to go to sleep.

Well, we gotta go to sleep, babe.

I know, I feel like... Like, I'm sleepy,

but I still kinda don't want you to go to sleep,

'cause if we go to sleep, when we wake up, you will have to go.

I enjoyed seeing you.

And meeting, the new people in your life and stuff.

And this is just another chapter to offer you.

And I told you,

you get like this when you get to the crossroad every time.

You're doing well. You're doing real good.

You're a good person.

If you continue to be good

and treat people like you want to be treated,

God will continue to bless you

and order your steps.

Just put him first in everything that you do.

[Sniffles]

- I love you, mommy. - I love you, too.

My mother's my best friend.

Throughout my entire, like,

coming out process and, like, lifestyle changes,

my mom's been, like, growing gradually.

But then sometimes she's... she'll have these moments

where she'll relapse, pretty much,

and she's back to, like, calling everything "gay stuff"

and being uncomfortable,

but after this visit,

I feel like she's able to see how happy I am now,

and I can tell that makes her happy as well.

♪ When I'm all alone ♪

♪ dear ♪

♪ when you're all alone ♪

♪ dear ♪

♪ I'm not alone ♪

♪ dear ♪

♪ so when you comin' home ♪

Also, you can catch the early flight on Thursday,

and then I'll just catch the last flight on Wednesday.

- Wednesday. - Yeah.

- I think that's... - Okay.

Let me pull up some times and prices, and then I'll...

- Okay. Okay. - Get back to you.

Namiwave is a provider of self-service entertainment solutions,

similar to Redbox.

So what we offer is $1 a day movie rentals.

I take Japanese lessons

once a week with my boss' wife,

because we do a lot of business with Japan.

And also at the same time,

it's to learn more about Japanese culture.

The first constitution in Japan.

- Oh, if someone sticks out... - Sticks out... yeah.

Then they have the saying where the...

I think a large part of why I'm not

open about my sexuality with my parents

is probably because, growing up,

being Japanese, I mean, it's very different.

You know, no one's really open about being gay.

So if you don't conform with normal society,

you'll be thrown out,

or, like, it's not good...

In Japan, you don't want to be the one that's, like, different

because you're dating girls,

you know, so you just want to fly under the radar

and just not say anything, but you know what?

This is who I am, and if you love me,

it's, like, about the people that you love...

they'll love you, no matter what.

Coming out to my mom is gonna be really hard,

but, you know, I've been waiting ten years

for the right time.

Damn, it's like, come on,

I don't know, grow some balls and just say it.

♪ Just like a Shepherd of the stray hearts ♪

♪ leaving you whale bones in your front yard ♪

♪ and a basket of spearmint gum ♪

♪ the gate behind your swing ♪

- How are you? - It's hard to say.

If I was asked right now, I would do it.

So the inseminator is finally ready.

We are having Cori and Kacy come over tonight

to kind of present it to them,

and we invited Romi,

so she could get her mind off the breakup of Kelsey.

What better way to take your mind off something, really,

than a dildo presentation?

If I get rich in the next year,

- I'll do it instantly... - What?

Or try, at least, to have a baby.

It's... we did the math. It's literally three grand a month...

- Trying? - Trying.

Oh, my God. Like, sperm is not cheap.

- Okay, here's the thing... - We can't help you

- with the sperm... - No, we can't.

But we've been working on a little present for you.

We've been working on something for you guys.

- What? - Yeah, we're not gonna lie.

We've been working on a little project. Go get it.

We've been working on a project for you guys.

I am so scared right now.

My heart literally just dropped.

[Laughter] I don't want to know!

This is the inseminator.

- Make a wish. Ready? - Wait, make a wish.

[Scattered chuckles] All: Aww.

- This is gonna do it. - It feels so wrong.

- It's gonna do it. - It's right, it's right.

- Yeah! - Yay!

Okay, so let's explain this.

Here's the real deal. It's...

Oh, complete with Chardonnay.

No, lookit. We actually made a mold of my friend's wang.

- Veins and all. - Oh, wait, you guys made this?

- It's like Powerpoint. - They made it.

"Place the slightly lubed inseminating catheter

into the tube inside the inseminator dildo,

and depress the plunger."

You push... psh! Kablowey.

Pregnant. [Laughter]

That is the sweetest thing I've ever heard!

I think I'm gonna cry also.

[Laughter]

This is, like, the nicest, sickest thing

anybody has ever done.

Just stand over there. I'll run into you like a bull.

It was really, really sweet, you know?

Yeah. It was like... what a gesture, you know?

Especially, like, with everything we've been through,

trying to figure out how we were gonna do it,

and going to the sex shop and being told

we need to make a baby with an anal douche.

Thank you so much! [Murmurs and laughter]

No one could ever say there was never

a more thoughtful dildo given

than that little inseminator.

- Not little... it was not little. - Not little.

Bye, guys.

- Bye. Good night. - Be good tonight.

It's like we're cast out of the Garden of Eden

when we leave here. [Laughter]

- Alyssa. - I love you guys.

- That's funny. - You're revolting.

[Laughter] Good night.

Is this how you give a hand job?

I'm not quite sure.

You know what, I'll show you how to give a hand job.

I'm glad that they took the inseminator well,

'cause I wasn't sure how they were gonna take it,

but it seems like they were really touched.

No, they seemed to really love it.

She was gonna cry. She really was gonna cry.

- I know! - She really was gonna cry.

- I'm stuffed. - Me too.

Me too. I'm gonna go home and go to bed.

- Good night. - [Whispering] Fuck.

All: Bye. All right, see ya.

Bye.

Yeah. [Item clangs]

[Clears throat]

Who are you rampage texting?

What? You've got that look.

I'm tweetin'.

Mm-hmm. Tweetin'?

Tweetin'. Updating.

I'm sure you are.

I'm going to bed, so I can get up early.

You are? I'll... I'm going to bed...

Night.

- Night. - In one minute.

- Good night. - Good night.

[Clears throat]

[Phone reverberates]

[Chuckles]

Babe. Hey.

[Giggling]

Shh.

[Speaking indistinctly]

You've never been in here before.

- Never been in here before. - Never ever.

[Dance music]

♪ ♪

♪ their bodies are loaded ♪

♪ weapons ready to implode ♪

♪ ready to implode ♪

♪ she said ♪

♪ her lips were achin' ♪

♪ our hands touched, hers were shakin' ♪

♪ she said it's a sin to kiss you ♪

♪ but if I don't my lips will turn blue ♪

synced and corrected by chamallow www.addic7ed.com