Original subtitles

(high pitched squealing)

- This is alpha zubeck q twelve.

Arorealus calling patrol.

Come in patrol.

Come in patrol.

This is alpha zubeck q twelve.

- You're alpha zubeck q twelve?

Funny, I always called you Uncle Martin.

(audience laughs)

- Shh, Tim, I'm trying to contact

a Martian patrol flight on long wave.

- A Martian patrol flight?

Do you mean that they're near Earth?

- About 50 million miles give or take a million.

This is the time of the year when Martian space patrols

venture nearest Earth on reconnaissance flights.

- Oh, well.

Well look, isn't it possible that some peeping tom

ham radio operator could overhear you?

- I doubt it.

Ultra high sonic frequencies are only used

for space radio contact.

Over.

(rumbling)

- There she goes boys.

The first Martian scout.

If she gets within 5,000 miles of Mars.

Joe, switch off the ultra high frequency

sound bad wave, will ya?

The Martian scout's program table advises automatically

if she's on radio contact.

(beeping)

- [Radio Voice] This is Martian scout 1 receiving.

This is Martian scout 1 receiving.

- Tim, I made contact with them.

(audience laughs)

I've got a Martian scout.

(audience laughs)

- I don't believe it!

- Nine now zero 10 heard programming communications

should automatically put her in contact with

Shorty Smith and our Australian tracking station.

And shut us off here.

- [Radio Voice] Primary instructions contact Shorty Smith.

Contact Shorty Smith signal out.

- Well, ours is not to reason why.

Let's get started Tim.

- Get started?

Where?

- You heard the Martian patrol Tim.

We've got to contact Shorty Smith.

(audience laughs)

(beeping)

(fun instrumental music)

- No, that does it Uncle Martin.

We've covered every Smith in the telephone book

and there's not one and there's not one Shorty

in the batch.

- Well, then we'll just have to start all over again Tim.

Somehow the elusive Shorty Smith is my trip ticket

back to Mars and I shan't rest until I find him.

- Yes, but do you mind if we just take

a five minute break first.

I'm pooped.

(snores)

(audience laughs)

Uh buddy, would you mind moving over a little bit

so that we could sit down?

- You a cop?

- No.

- Then maybe you have a dispossess notice?

- No.

- No dispossess?

No cop?

How bout a dime?

You got a dime?

For a dime I can go have breakfast

and then you can use my bench in the meantime.

(audience laughs)

- Your bench?

This bench is public property.

- What's the beef?

I ain't part of the public which owns this property?

(audience laughs)

- Property owner?

You're sitting here panhandling dimes.

- Maybe I should open up an office.

(groans)

Eh, what's the difference?

I'll be a millionaire without your crummy dime.

(audience laughs)

Never let it be said that Shorty Smith every groveled

for a measly 10 cents.

- [Both] Shorty Smith?

- No wonder he wasn't listed in the telephone.

- I don't know Uncle Martin.

How's a hobo gonna help you get back to Mars?

- I don't know but until I receive further instructions,

we've got to hold the only Shorty Smith available.

(audience laughs)

Uh, Mr. Smith?

- Yes?

You realize, of course, my checking in here for a few days

doesn't mean I'm taking charity.

I don't go around depending on other people.

- Oh, of course not Shorty.

It is merely our desire to return your hospitality.

You gave your bench to my weary nephew.

Now our home is your home.

(light instrumental music)

(audience laughs)

- Do you realize that that is a self made tramp?

Now if our home is his home,

he's gonna hock everything in it.

(sniffing)

If he doesn't smoke us out first.

- Fear not Tim.

I've read Shorty's mind.

He may have itchy feet, but he doesn't have itchy fingers.

He's as honest as the day is long.

- But Uncle Martin,

it is fall and the days are getting shorter.

(audience laughs)

- Magnificent vista.

- Oh Shorty, my nephew and I will now go and prepare dinner.

Now why don't you go and shave a little bit and wash up?

- Wash up?

For what?

Today's not Saturday.

(audience laughs)

- Now Shorty, you wouldn't want to sit down to eat

with dirty hands would you?

- I should known.

You guys are two do gooders.

Okay, okay, I'll wash, don't push, don't push.

But just up to the wrists.

No further than the wrists.

After all, I'm not gonna eat with my elbows.

(audience laughs)

(audience laughs)

- Uncle Martin,

if cleanly is next to Godliness,

we have an atheist in the bathroom.

(audience laughs)

Any word from your far out friends?

- Not a word, not one single word.

Well, until I reach them, we're gonna have to keep Mr. Smith

happy and content.

- Now wait a minute Uncle Martin, look,

as much as I would miss you,

I want you to get back to Mars as badly as you do,

but for the life of me, I cannot believe that that tramp

in there could help--

(sniffing)

- Hey, what's for dinner?

(audience laughs)

(sniffing)

Bouillabaisse.

Lamb a la Rudolpho.

- You recognize the recipe?

- Are you kidding?

I used to be a dishwasher at Maxine's in Paris.

That's when Rudolpho was the head chef.

- You were in Paris?

- Paris, Rome, Madrid.

I been around the world a half a dozen times.

Don't cost me nothing, I stow away.

(slurps)

Bouillabaisse needs a little more salt.

May I?

(audience laughs)

(light instrumental music)

- Don't you ever think of settling down

and taking a job Shorty?

Accomplishing something?

- No, I'm superstitious.

See, I don't work any week with a Tuesday in it.

Besides, I have accomplished something.

I'm independently poor ain't I?

(audience laughs)

Face it, you take any guy, 30, 40, 50 years he knocks

his brains out working.

For what?

So he can retire and do nothing?

I'm doing nothing already and I didn't have to work

40 years for it.

(audience laughs)

That's it.

Where do I sack up?

- Oh, my nephew has kindly agreed to relinquish his bed,

haven't you Tim?

- My?

I guess I have.

- And some pajamas for our guest.

Shorty, I believe you know the way to the bath.

- Bath?

Oh no, listen, pajamas is one thing.

But I ain't taking no bath.

Did you know that water is bad for the natural oils

of the skin?

Now I'm in no mood to get in any beef with my natural oils.

You may not believe this, but I ain't had a bath in a year.

- I believe it.

Come on Shorty, let's go.

- Go where?

- Uh, the bath.

- What bath?

- You're taking a bath.

- I don't want any bath.

- Come on.

I'll be good for you.

- Listen, I don't want--

That's the trouble with you guys.

I give you guys a wrist the next thing you want

is the whole body.

(audience laughs)

(door knocks)

(light instrumental music)

- Oh, Martin, I'm so glad you're home.

I wanted to introduce you to one of my oldest

and dearest friends from Milwaukee.

Jenny Holbrook, Martin O'Hara.

- It's so nice to meet you Mr. O'Hara.

- The pleasure's all my dear lady.

One cannot come bearing a greater recommendation

than to be a friend of Lauralee's.

- Oh, why Martin, that's a very sweet thing to say.

- A mere factual statement Lauralee.

- He's okay once you get past the wet part.

- Oh Tim, this is Jenny Holbrook, one of my dearest friends.

- Hello. - How do you do?

- Miss Holbrook is going to be staying with Lauralee

for a few days.

- It's Mrs. Holbrook Martin.

Jenny's a widow too, poor dear.

Five years.

- I hope we didn't disturb your dinner Mr. O'Hara.

- Martin and you didn't disturb anything dear lady.

We had just finished.

- Well, the least we could do for barging in like this

is to help you with the dishes.

- Nonsense, I wouldn't think of it.

You're a guest.

- Oh please.

Men shouldn't be bothered with dishes.

It's a woman's job.

Where's your kitchen?

Oh, there it is.

(laughs)

- Oh, that's Jenny for you.

Nature's little helper.

Oh, she just loves to pitch in.

- But Lauralee--

- Aw, let her do it Martin.

It'll do her heart good.

Poor thing always wanted to be a help to Hobart,

that was her husband,

but he treated her like a stick of furniture,

just sit around and look pretty.

Oh, but now Jenny's gonna travel.

Aren't you dear?

- Well, I was planning on taking a trip

around the world this year.

- Yes and then next year she can go some place else.

(audience laughs)

Oh, it'll do her a world of good.

She won't be so lonely all the time.

- Lauralee.

- Hey, I never wore one of these before--

- Oh, we have a house guest also Lauralee.

Mrs. Holbrook, Mrs. Brown, this is Mr. Smith.

- Pleased to meet ya.

- Are you in town on business Mr. Smith?

- Oh, Mr. Smith isn't working at present time Lauralee.

He's in the middle of

traveling.

- Oh, how interesting.

Where do you travel?

- Where?

Oh, everywhere, in fact I was just telling the boys

about Paris.

- [Both Women] Paris!

(light instrumental music)

- So I said to this waiter in Milan, I said,

I'd like to have my coffee without cream.

And this waiter says to me, (foreign language).

Which means, we're all out of cream,

you'll have to have to have your coffee without milk.

(audience laughs)

I didn't realize I was so tired.

- Neither did I.

Maybe we better go Lauralee.

- Oh, what a shame.

I could have listened to Mr. Smith's stories all night.

Well, there's always tomorrow.

- [Jenny] Well, goodnight!

(audience laughs)

- Breakfast sir.

(audience laughs)

- Yeah, yeah, sure, sure, put it down over here on my lap.

I don't want to miss this picture.

Oh, it's wild!

Man, this is really living.

- Would you care to be spoon fed while you're watching

your television sir?

(audience laughs)

- [TV Announcer] Before we continue with the movie,

here's the latest report regarding Cape Kennedy's

Martian Scout missile firing of yesterday.

Martian Scout 1, the latest capsule launched toward Mars,

has veered off course.

Up until early this morning, everything seemed fine.

When suddenly Shorty Smith,

at the Australian tracking station,

announced that Martian Scout 1 had disappeared

from his scanning screen.

We'll bring you further reports as we receive them.

Now back to the movie.

- Shorty Smith, there's a guy with the same name as mine!

- Shorty Smith?

Tim, I must've picked up the rocket's communication system

on my radio and mistaken it for--

Tim, it's moments like this that I wish I could say

I'm only human.

(audience laughs)

- Wait a minute, I'm not finished yet.

What's the matter-- - Yes you are.

- I'm not finished.

- Yes you are finished.

- What's going on here?

- I'm afraid you're checking out sir.

Pleasure to pack your bags.

(audience laughs)

- Out.

Hi.

- Hi.

- Any more messages from Mars?

(audience laughs)

- Go ahead Tim, have your little joke.

I deserve it for letting my strong emotional desire

to return home, overshadow my Martian reason.

I should have checked everything out.

- Oh, come on, now stop beating yourself into the ground.

Alright, so the infallible Martian

is capable of making a mistake.

I like you better for it.

Shorty is gone, everything is alright, let's forget it.

- Good.

Thanks.

(zinging)

- What is that?

- Oh, it's an idea I picked up from one of your

television commercials.

Cleans like a charm.

I'm picking up all sorts of vapors and gasses,

but those stogies Shorty was smoking.

(audience laughs)

There, that should do it.

Hm, the odor of Shorty's cigar is stronger than ever.

(light orchestral music)

(audience laughs)

Shorty, what are you doing here?

- I'll tell you what I'm doing here.

You know, before I met you two guys, I had a profession.

I was a successful tramp.

I didn't care where I slept, how many baths I took,

what I ate or how I ate it.

Now, thanks to you, I can't sleep on a park bench no more.

I notice the dirt on my hands.

I can't even sleep with my clothes on.

Plus, none of the guys I know have anything to do with me.

Do you know why?

They say I've got class.

They say I'm a snob.

Because of you, I'm a ruined man.

(audience laughs)

(light instrumental music)

- You are kidding.

You can't be serious.

- Not at all Tim.

Shorty has a valid point.

We are responsible for giving him

a taste of the better life.

- Yes, but he is just trying to take advantage of us.

- Remember, until I found out that I was not following

the orders of the Martian Patrol,

I was ready to take advantage of him.

- Okay, okay.

But does that mean that we have to adopt him?

- I can assure you, I will try to make his stay with us

as brief as possible.

Just as soon as I determine a new role in life for Shorty

and launch him in it.

He has imagination and raw but innate talent.

I've read his mind and found that most of the stories

he's told us are pure figments of his imagination.

- Shades of Pygmalion.

(audience laughs)

- Shakespeare was holding the heads of Plagor's horses

when I took him in tow.

So I wouldn't utter my disdain too loudly Tim.

You might want to interview him

when he gets the Pulitzer prize.

Here, help he get this out of here.

(light instrumental music)

- I tell you, it's the battle of what's the use.

I can't write the stories I tell!

- Of course you can.

It's merely a matter of transferring them

from oral words to print.

- But I can't spell.

- Use the dictionary.

- If I can't spell the words, how can I look em up?

(audience laughs)

- Then misspell them.

Just put them down.

- It won't work.

- The trouble with you Shorty,

is that you have very little faith in yourself.

- Aw come on Mr. O'Hara.

I gave up pipe dreaming a long time ago.

Face the facts,

behind every cloud there ain't no silver lining.

Just a heck of a storm coming up.

(audience laughs)

- Can't you just make him put it on paper?

Can't you just levitate it out of his brain,

down through his arm and out of his hand?

- Even if I use one of my powers,

it would only be a temporary measure.

Shorty needs something of a more lasting nature.

Something from inside him.

- Oh, well then you better forget it.

I'm afraid that our Knight of the Robe has about

as much incentive as an amoeba.

(audience laughs)

- Tim, that's it!

The key to Shorty's problem.

- An amoeba?

- Of course not, incentive.

And I believe I know just the person who could give

him the amount he needs, Jenny Holbrook.

- You're kidding.

- Not at all.

She's a lonely woman who desperately needs to be needed

and as you yourself said, Shorty needs a lot.

Ergo, a perfect match.

- Well, how do you intend to become a matchmaker?

- While you keep Lauralee occupied downstairs tonight,

I shall switch on the projection

of my Martian photographic memory.

In other words Tim, neither Shorty nor Jenny will have

to wait for Shorty's book to come out to see the picture.

(audience laughs)

- I do hope I'm not imposing Mr. Smith,

but Mr. O'Hara thought you'd be the perfect one

to discuss my trip with me,

having traveled so much yourself.

- Oh well gee, I don't think that a lady like you

would like to see a lot of the places that I've been to.

- Oh, I'm sure I would!

The stories you tell are so fascinating.

Tell me, have you ever been to Rome?

- Oh sure, I've been to Rome.

- Is the Colosseum as beautiful as they say?

- Well, it might have been once, but gee,

the way they let it run down is really a disgrace.

(audience laughs)

You'd be surprised, no windows, broken walls.

All I can say is, that those Romans and my old lady

must have had the same landlord.

(audience laughs)

- Mr. Smith.

- One of the prettiest places I've ever been to

in my whole life was Tahiti.

What a place Tahiti is!

- Go ahead Shorty, let your imagination go.

I'm right behind you.

- Warm breezes blowing,

like when you're standing when you're standing at a bus stop

and the bus goes right by ya.

Stars shining like a thousand beer cans

with their labels off.

Rows of trees standing like hotel doormen

with their palms out.

- Oh Mr. Smith, the way you describe it,

I almost feel as though I was there with you.

- Funny, I feel the same way.

- The only thing missing is the song of the islands

being played in the distance.

(whizzing)

(island music)

I even hear the music now.

- Oh Jenny, you have no idea, never being to Tahiti,

what it's like.

Oh I could see it now.

Two frogs on the same waterlilly speaking words of love.

(frog croaks)

(audience laughs)

Ships in the harbor crying because they're leaving

the Tahitian shores (mouth noises).

(audience laughs)

Night birds calling to their mates.

(bird calls)

(audience laughs)

Delicate flamingo on the Tahitian beach.

Oh Jenny!

(audience laughs)

- Oh, you should write travel booklets Mr. Smith.

- Call me Shorty Jenny.

But I'm really better at telling stories about people.

- I think you'd be good at anything Shorty.

(island music)

- Listen Jenny, I think it's getting a little late.

- Oh yes.

Uh, that was a very vivid description.

Perhaps you could tell me more about it some other time.

- Oh sure, yeah, maybe I'll even let you read about it

sometime if I ever get around to putting it on paper.

- Oh.

(slow sad instrumental music)

Goodnight Shorty.

- Goodnight Jenny.

- Oh hello there Shorty.

How are you?

I just came up the back way?

- Is that right?

Well, that's just the way I'm going out as soon as I can

change back into my old duds.

- But why, why?

I had the feeling everything was going very well.

- Yeah, like a freight high balling it smack down

the main line track where it don't belong.

- Nonsense Shorty.

True, you switched tracks, but you're on the right one now.

- Aw, come on Mr. O'Hara.

Let's not kid ourselves.

I'm an irresponsible nothing, a hobo, a free roller,

not the world traveler that she thinks I am.

Just because a guy puts on fancy duds doesn't give him

class and respectability and she's got it.

- You could have it too if you work for it.

Or for Jenny.

- Thanks, but I tried that kind of a thing

once a long time ago.

Today my motto is if at first you don't succeed, quit.

(audience laughs)

Now I'm taking the midnight freight out of here.

(slow orchestral music)

- I just saw Jenny.

She is smiling like she just swallowed a banana sideways.

Listen, how is Dan cupid?

- You mean how is Dan stupid?

Shorty's leaving.

- Leaving?

- Yes, I seem to have underestimated

Shorty's good conscience.

(spacey instrumental music)

- Well, I guess it's time to shove off.

Thanks fellas for the buggy ride,

it was last while it lasted.

- Martin, Tim, hurry!

It's Jenny, she's fainted!

- She's what?

- She was just standing there and suddenly she--

- What are we standing here for?

Come on!

(pointed instrumental music)

- What did you do to Jenny?

- I merely placed her in a state of suspended animation.

Dramatic am I not?

(light orchestral music)

- Jenny, wake up.

Wake up Jenny.

(spacey noises)

Wake up Jenny.

- Oh, what happened?

- You passed out Jenny.

You okay now?

- Oh, fine, I'm just a little dizzy.

Shorty?

What are you dressed like that for?

- Shorty's a hobo.

Aren't you Shorty?

- A hobo?

But you said he was your house guest that he was retired.

- He was Larualee, from the world.

- But I thought--

- That he could possibly be a man

who might need someone like you?

He is.

His rushing to your side as he did,

at the expense of revealing his identity proved that.

- Well, he certainly couldn't wait to come down here.

- Running from life again Shorty?

This could be your last chance to walk towards it.

- It wouldn't work.

(spacey music)

Goodbye Jenny.

- Wait a minute Shorty!

I believe this is yours, your name is on it.

- Hey, hey, them's my words.

You know, those things I was telling you about before.

- Well, I thought your description was so lovely,

I just write it down for you.

- An excellent collaborative effort Shorty.

They have been known to work quite well.

- Yeah sure, of course this isn't the way I said it exactly.

- Oh well, you could always change it back

to the way you want.

You see, I wasn't quite sure of the way you said it.

- Yeah, like for example, over here I said stars all shining

like a thousand beer cans with their labels off.

The rows of trees standing like hotel doormen

with their palms out.

- Oh Tim, I hope you've learned a lesson in life.

- Oh, I certainly have Uncle Martin.

If you want to stay single, don't wash above your wrists.

(audience laughs)

(fun instrumental music)