Original subtitles

♪

-BRENDAN.

WHAT IS UP, MAN?

-CORY, I NEED TO TALK TO YOU.

ARE YOU SOMEWHERE YOU CAN HAVE A SERIOUS TALK RIGHT NOW?

-UH, YEAH. DEFINITELY.

-I NEED YOU TO COME TO L.A.

I'LL PAY FOR EVERYTHING, OKAY, LIKE FLIGHTS AND ALL THAT.

YOU WON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT ANYTHING.

-WHAT'S GOING ON, MAN? IS EVERYTHING --

-CORY...

I'M GAY.

-I KNOW. -WHAT?

-YOU'RE GAY. -HOW DO YOU KNOW I'M GAY?

YOU DON'T KNOW I AM. -HMM?

-HOW LONG HAVE YOU KNOWN I'M GAY?

-WELL, WE MET, WHAT,

FRESHMAN YEAR OF COLLEGE, SO...

-WELL, THEN WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME?

-WHY DIDN'T I TELL YOU YOUR SEXUAL ORIENTATION?

-I CAN'T BELIEVE HOW CALM YOU ARE ABOUT THIS.

-YOU'RE -- YOU'RE NOT SUBTLE.

-UH, WHAT ABOUT ME IS GAY?

-ARE YOU -- ARE YOU FUCKING WITH ME RIGHT NOW?

-THIS IS -- THIS IS MY WHOLE LIFE HERE.

-OKAY, I'M SORRY, I'M SORRY.

I'M JUST --

I'M GLAD IT'S OUT, REALLY.

HOW'D YOUR PARENTS TAKE IT?

-IT'S NOT...

IT'S...

IT'S NOT OUT.

I-I-I'M NOT OUT.

YOU'RE THE FIRST PERSON I'VE EVER SAID IT OUT LOUD TO.

DUDE, THAT'S WHY I NEED YOU TO COME HERE.

I HAVEN'T TOLD ANYBODY, AND THE NEW SEASON OF MY SHOW

STARTS ON SUNDAY.

AND MY PARENTS ARE GONNA BE IN TOWN FOR THE PREMIERE PARTY.

I'M JUST GONNA NEED YOU HERE AS EM--

AS EMOTIONAL DAMAGE CONTROL.

[ TOILET FLUSHING ]

DID I JU-- DID I JUST HEAR A TOILET FLUSH?

-UH...

♪

ALL RIGHT.

-♪ THIS GROWING OLD IS GETTING OLD ♪

♪ I OFTEN FIND MYSELF HERE THINKING ♪

♪ ABOUT THE BIRDS THE BOATS, ♪

♪ THE PAST LOVES THAT FLEW AWAY OR STARTED SINKING ♪

♪ AND IT'S CRAZY HERE WITHOUT YOU ♪

♪ I USED TO THINK THIS ALL WAS OURS ♪

♪ WE'D STAY UP LATE, DEBATE ON HOW WE'D FIND OUR WAY ♪

♪ YOU'D SAY, "IT'S ALL UP IN THE STARS" ♪

♪ WELL, SOME NIGHTS, I RULE THE WORLD ♪

♪ WITH BAR LIGHTS AND PRETTY GIRLS ♪

♪ BUT MOST NIGHTS, I STAY STRAIGHT ♪

♪ AND THINK ABOUT MY MOM

♪ OH, GOD, I MISS HER SO MUCH

♪ AND THERE ARE PEOPLE ON THE STREET ♪

♪ THEY'RE COMIN' UP TO ME

♪ AND THEY'RE TELLIN' ME THAT THEY LIKE WHAT I DO NOW ♪

♪ AND SO I TRIED MY BEST WHEN I TOOK THE FALL ♪

♪ AND GET RIGHT BACK UP, BACK IN YOUR ARMS ♪

♪ IF YOU'RE OUT HERE, WHY DO I MISS YOU SO MUCH? ♪

-OH, GOD! OH, GOD!

OH, GOD! I AM SO SORRY.

I AM SO SORRY.

-WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS?!

-I DON'T KNOW WHY I DO ANYTHING!

-YOU'RE A HORRIBLE PERSON, CORY.

-THAT'S HARSH.

-YO. FUCK -- FUCK THAT. GET OUT AND HUG ME.

I TRAVELED ALL THIS WAY.

OH, HERE IT COMES. AH!

-♪ IS COME BACK INTO YOUR ARMS ♪

-FUCK, MAN!

FUCK! AAH!

[ WOMEN SCREAMING ] -BRENDAN! BRENDAN!

WE LOVE YOU! -OH, MY GOD!

-BRENDAN!

-DOES THAT -- DOES THAT --

DOES THIS HAPPEN OFTEN?

-UM, YEAH. KINDA.

-WE LOVE YOU, MAN! WE LOVE YOU, BRENDAN!

YOU'RE LIKE MY FUCKING DAD, MAN! I FUCKIN' LOVE YOU!

-♪ THE HOLD THAT YOU HAVE ON MY HEART ♪

-SO, WHEN --

WHEN DO WE GET TO, LIKE, THE L.A. PART OF L.A.?

-HEH. -HEH-HEH, WHAT?

WHAT'S SO FUNNY ABOUT THAT?

-THERE'S JUST A FEW DIFFERENT ONES, THAT'S ALL.

L.A. IS -- I DON'T KNOW.

IT'S KIND OF LIKE A GIANT JIGSAW PUZZLE

THAT SOMEONE FORGOT TO ASSEMBLE.

YOU KNOW, ALL THE PIECES ARE JUST SPREAD OUT OVER THE FLOOR.

-WHAT'S IN BETWEEN THE PIECES?

-YOU -- YOU DON'T WANT TO GO THERE.

I MEAN, THINGS... GET WEIRD.

-WEIRD? LIKE HOW WEIRD?

-I'M BEING DEADLY SERIOUS HERE, CORY.

STAY ON THE BEATEN PATH, PLEASE.

-OOH!

-VERY, VERY "OOH."

HEY, THIS IS LOS ANGELES.

THE LINE BETWEEN DREAMS AND REALITY IS...

THINNER HERE.

[ CACKLING LAUGHTER ECHOES ]

-♪ I-I HATE EVERYONE, I-I HATE EVERYONE ♪

♪ I-I HATE EVERYONE AND NOBODY CAN HIDE ♪

[ MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY ]

-I FEEL...

I FEEL LIKE YOU'RE NOT BEING FAIR TO ME.

NO. NO, NO, NO.

I REALLY DON'T THINK YOU'RE BEING...

I REALLY DON'T THINK YOU'RE BEING FAIR TO ME.

-HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME? -GABBI.

-I DON'T -- I DON'T UN-- I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

I NEED YOU TO EXPLAIN TO ME HOW YOU COULD DO THIS TO ME.

ARE YOU -- IS IT JUST THAT YOU'RE THIS BROKEN?

ARE YOU THIS MUCH OF A SOCIOPATH?

I DON'T UNDERSTAND. I NEED TO HEAR THE WORDS,

OKAY, I'M LISTENING.

-YOU KNOW THAT WE'RE NOT EXCLUSIVE.

-WE'RE NOT EXCLUSIVE?!

-NO.

I TOLD YOU I DID--

I WASN'T READY FOR A RELATIONSHIP.

TWO FUCKING YEARS AGO! WE LIVE TOGETHER!

-BABY, I-I REALLY THINK YOU SHOULD LEAVE.

-NO, I'M NOT GONNA LEAVE,

AND YOU'RE NOT GONNA KICK ME OUT BECAUSE I AM ANGRY!

-YOU ARE OUT OF CONTROL.

-YOU ARE A DISGUSTING, EVIL HUMAN BEING.

-OUT OF CONTROL.

-YOU ARE NOT GONNA KICK ME OUT. I AM ANGRY!

I AM FUCKING ANGRY! I HAVE A RIGHT TO BE ANGRY!

I HAVE A FUCKING RIGHT! I HAVE A RIGHT, HEATHER!

I HAVE A RIGHT!

I HAVE A RIGHT. I HAVE A RIGHT.

I HAVE A RIGHT. I HAVE...

-GRIFFIN?

HIS NAME IS GRIFFIN?

-AND HE WORKS IN P.R. ON MY SHOW.

-AND GRIFFIN IS A FAIRY. THAT'S INTERESTING.

-CATCH HIM... WATCHING ME.

-IT'S LIKE MYTHOLOGICALLY CONFUSING, THOUGH, RIGHT?

-THOUGHT IT WAS FUNNY AT FIRST.

THEN HE KISSED ME ON THE PROP TRUCK.

-AW! RIGHT ON THE PROP TRUCK.

IS THAT -- THAT'S A GAY THING?

-NO, IT'S A TRUCK THEY KEEP THE PROPS ON.

JESUS, CORY. -AH, OKAY.

AND THEN WHAT? THEN WHAT HAPPENED?

-UM, HE'D BEEN TRYING TO CALL ME,

AND I WAS IGNORING HIM FOR LIKE A WEEK NOW.

-YEAH, BUT YOU LIKED KISSING HIM.

-IT WAS LIKE I'D BEEN WAITING FOR A GUY

TO KISS ME MY WHOLE LIFE.

-OH, MY GOD, BRENDAN. THAT IS SO SWEET TO SAY.

-AND NOW I'M -- I DON'T KNOW.

I DON'T KNOW, I DON'T KNOW, I DON'T KNOW.

-SCARED? -NO.

I'M NOT SCARED, I...

I JUST WANT TO DO IT THE RIGHT WAY.

-YOU'RE -- YOU'RE NOT SCARED. -NO.

-NO.

AW, SHOOT. HEY, UH, CAN I SEE YOUR PHONE

FOR A SECOND?

-OH, YEAH. SURE.

YEAH, IT'S THE WORST POSSIBLE TIME, TOO.

I'M FINALLY BEING TAKEN SERIOUSLY AS AN ADULT ACTOR,

AND... [ SIGHS ]

I DON'T KNOW, I JUST THINK THERE'S THIS...

SHADOW.

-WHAT'S MR. RIGHT?

-IT'S A -- IT'S A GAY BAR.

IT'S AROUND THE CORNER. -OH, SWEET.

GRIFFIN'S THERE RIGHT NOW. -WHAT?

WHAT, YOU TEXTED HIM?! -WHAT? YEAH, DUDE!

-NO, CORY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING, MAN?

-COME ON, MAN. -CORY!

-YOU HAVE TO TRUST MY INSTINCTS HERE, BRENDAN, OKAY?

NOW, COME ON. WE J-- WE GO THERE.

WE FIND HIM. YOU ASK HIM OUT.

-NO, I CAN'T JUST WALK INTO A GAY BAR, OKAY?

-OHH. NO, NO, NO. -I HAVE A PLAN FOR THIS.

AND IT GOES MY PARENTS FIRST, AND THEN THE PUBLIC, OKAY?

-NO, NO, NO, NO! NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!

COME ON, MAN. WHY -- WHY WOULD YOU WALK YOU --

YOU -- YOU WALK, LIKE, 30 EMOTIONAL MILES

OR WHATEVER, W-WHEN YOU JUST WALK ONE?

OR SOMETHING -- SOME BETTER METAPHOR, DUDE.

-CORY, I CA-- -HEY.

THIS IS WHO I AM.

I AM NOW OR NEVER, MAN.

NOW, WE CAN EITHER GO DO THIS,

LIKE, BALLS OUT,

BACK TO COLLEGE, NO FEAR, MAN,

OR WE CAN GO HOME AND EAT YOGURT.

'CAUSE YOU GOT A SHITLOAD OF YOGURT IN YOUR FRIDGE, MAN.

ARE YOU A MAN? OR ARE YOU YOGURT?

-♪ ROCKSTARS AND ANGELS, BITCHES ♪

-THIS PLACE IS SPECTACULAR!

-WHAT? -WOW!

I'VE JUST NEVER SEEN THIS MANY GAY DUDES IN ONE PLACE BEFORE.

-HEY, DON'T SAY THAT OUT LOUD. WELL...

WELCOME TO LOS ANGELES.

-OHH, GOD, IT'S SO BORING BACK HOME, MAN.

YEAH, YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW, MAN.

LIKE, I DON'T DO ANYTHING ANYMORE -- LIKE NOTHING.

I PACKED MY BAGS TO MOVE OUT OF MY PLACE

LIKE TWO YEARS AGO, AND --

AND I NEVER MOVED.

I-I NEVER UNPACKED MY BAGS, MAN.

I'VE JUST -- I'VE JUST BEEN LIVING OUT OF BAGS.

-ARE YOU OKAY? -WHERE'S GRIFFIN?

IS HE HERE? LET'S FIND HIM.

-♪ TAKIN' TRIPS AROUND THE WHOLE WORLD ♪

♪ I'M POPPIN' BOTTLES, BABY, MAKIN' LOVE TO BEAUTIFUL GIRLS ♪

-RIGHT BACK HERE. -WHAT? WHAT?

RIGHT THERE? OH! THAT'S HIM?

-PLAID SHIRT WITH GLASSES.

-UH, WOW. HE'S -- UM, HE'S NOT AS DREAMY

AS I THOUGHT HE WOULD BE.

I'M GONNA BE HONEST ABOUT THAT.

I THOUGHT I WAS GONNA COME HERE, SEE HIM -- BOOM, ME GAY, TOO.

AS IF. LIKE, I WOULD BE GAY? NO WAY, RIGHT?

WELL, MAYBE I GUESS. I AM ON VACATION.

-YEAH, WELL, I THINK HE'S FANTASTIC.

-THAT'S GREAT. LET'S TAKE THAT FEELING,

AND LET'S GO OVER AND TALK TO HIM.

-OH, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

-OKAY, THAT'S MY FACE.

-SHE'S BEEN SITTING THERE ALONE FOR LIKE 40 MINUTES.

I DON'T THINK SHE'S BEEN HERE FOR AWHILE.

I'M GONNA GO TALK TO HER. -YEAH.

-♪ ANGELS AND ROCKSTARS TAKING ALL THE SHOTS ♪

♪ UNTIL THEY STAND ON TOP OF COP CARS THEY SAY MONEY ISN'T -- ♪

-HEY. YOU LOOK SAD.

IS THERE ANYTHING I CAN DO FOR --

UH, OKAY.

WELL, I'LL -- I'LL BE HERE ALL NIGHT.

BE HERE ALL NIGHT.

-THIS IS NOT WHY I WANTED YOU TO COME, CORY.

-THEN WHY DID YOU WANT ME TO COME, MAN?

EMOTIONAL SUPPORT? BULLSHIT.

YOU COULD'VE GOT EMOTIONAL SUPPORT FROM AN E-MAIL, MAN.

YOU BROUGHT ME HERE TO BLOW STUFF UP.

BOOM! -THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING, MAN?

I'M GONNA GO -- I'M GONNA -- I'M GONNA GO TO THE BATHROOM,

AND WE'RE GONNA LEAVE, OKAY? OKAY?

-♪ WE ROCKSTARS, BABY -OKAY, OKAY, IT'S COOL, MAN.

YOU JUST DON'T EVEN WORRY ABOUT IT, TAKE YOUR TIME.

BECAUSE WE GOT PLENTY.

-THAT MODEL GIRL MUST'VE DUMPED HER OR SOMETHING.

I WAS TRYING TO BE NICE, AND SHE TREATED ME LIKE A CREEPY RAPIST.

-STAY HERE, PLEASE. -NOT MOVING.

-DON'T -- DON'T EVEN MOVE. -RIGHT HERE, BRO.

-SHE WAS ALWAYS THAT GIRL'S SLAVE.

IT'S PATHETIC. -MM.

-IT'S GONNA BE -- ARE YOU GONNA BE HERE?

-RIGHT HERE, RIGHT HERE. IT'S GONNA BE OKAY.

-SHE'S ACTING LIKE SUCH A TRAIN WRECK.

-THANK YOU.

-SOME PEOPLE JUST LOVE TO BE TREATED LIKE SHIT.

-♪ WE'RE IN THE CAR

-SO, YOU GONNA DRINK THAT?

-WHAT?

-YOUR DATE DIDN'T SEEM LIKE HE WANTED IT.

-I'M SORRY, ARE YOU TRYING TO VULTURE A STRANGER'S DRINK?

-IT'S BEEN THAT KIND OF A NIGHT.

-UH... WHAT KIND OF A NIGHT IS THAT?

- SOMEBODY DID SOMETHING VERY EVIL TO ME.

-OOH. EVIL.

-NO, ACTUALLY, NOT EVIL. THAT IS -- THAT'S NOT TRUE.

EVIL IS A CONCEPT MADE UP BY HUMANS

TO DISGUISE JUST BEING A COMPLETE SELFISH ASSHOLE,

JUST TO PUT MORE IMPORTANCE

ON BEING A COMPLETE SELFISH DOUCHE-BAG ASSHOLE.

PRETTY MUCH ANY FAMOUS EVIL PERSON IN HISTORY

IS REALLY JUST A SELFISH ASSHOLE.

EXA-- I GUESS IT'S REALLY THAT SIMPLE.

-ARE YOU ABOUT TO BE SUPER-INTERESTING UP IN THIS BAR

RIGHT NOW?

-AAH.

-NO, I DON'T WANT ANY.

STICKY. UH...

-HEY! HOW ARE YOU? -WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!

GET OFF!

-I'M -- I'M A COOK. -OH, IS THAT...

DIFFERENT? -CHEFS GET THE HATS,

COOKS GET THE GREASE BURNS.

-OHH, YOU'RE HARD CORE.

-SO, WHAT DO YOU DO?

-YOU'RE GONNA WANT TO TAKE ONE OF THESE IF,

UH, UH, WE'RE GONNA TALK ABOUT MY BORING-ASS JOB.

-OH, SO YOU'RE BUYING ME DRINKS, THEN?

-NO, I'M JUST SLIDING ONE TOWARDS YOU,

AND YOU WILL THEN SLIDE ME SOME MONEY LATER.

CAPITALISM. -CHARMING.

-I FAKE IT.

-NOT VERY WELL.

-DO YOU KNOW WHAT BLUR IS? IT'S A DRUG,

AND I-I THINK I MIGHT'VE TAKEN IT, BUT I DON'T REMEMBER.

BUT I'M, LIKE, SO DEHYDRATED. I NEED WATER!

-JUST LEAVE ME ALONE, PLEASE!

-OH, MY -- YOU'RE BRENDAN EHRLICK!

-WHAT? NO! NO! NO!

-I HAD NO IDEA YOU WERE SUPER-GAY!

-NO, NO, I'M NOT HIM!

MY NAME'S BRONK OZLAW. -WAIT --

I'VE GOT TO CALL EVERYBODY AND TELL THEM YOU'RE HERE.

-PLEASE, JUST LEAVE ME ALONE. -OH, I'M TELLING EVERYONE!

WHY IS IT LIKE THIS IN HERE?!

EVERYONE OUTSIDE SEEMED NORMAL!

-ACTUALLY, THOUGH, I WAS SUPPOSED TO,

UH, MOVE HERE WITH, UH, MY BUDDY BRENDAN.

BUT IT, UH...

EH... -WHAT?

-OH, IT JUST DIDN'T REALLY WORK OUT, YOU KNOW?

IT JUST DIDN'T, UH -- BUT THEY KIND OF NEED ME BACK HOME,

ANYWAY, 'CAUSE I'VE BEEN --

NOT TO BRAG --

BEEN EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH LIKE 11 TIMES.

SO, YEAH, NO BIG DEAL.

-MM. YEAH, THAT SOUNDS LIKE NO BIG DEAL.

-THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

YOU WOULD BE GOOD FOR MY COMPANY.

-I'D RATHER KILL MYSELF.

DO YOU LIKE KARAOKE?

-NO.

-CORY?!

-♪ THAT YOUR LOVE HAS BEEN SO SLOPPY, BOY ♪

-NO, NO, A RUM AND COKE!

NO, THERE IS NO JAGER IN A RUM AND COKE!

WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT'S POLICY? WHO'S POLICY?

-THERE HE IS! -HE'S GAY! BRENDAN!

HE'S GAY! HE'S SO GAY!

WE GOT IT ON CAMERA RIGHT HERE! BRENDAN IS GAY!

HE'S GAY! WE KNOW IT! IT'S OVER!

-♪ SWALLOW MY PRIDE CHOKE ON THE RINDS BUT THE LACK THEREOF ♪

♪ WOULD LEAVE ME EMPTY

♪ INSIDE I WOULD SWALLOW MY DOUBT ♪

♪ PUT IT INSIDE OUT FIND NOTHING BUT FAITH AND NOTHING ♪

♪ WANT TO PUT MY TENDER HEART IN A BLENDER ♪

♪ WATCH IT SPIN AROUND TO A BEAUTIFUL... ♪

-THAT'S THE THING IS I-I CAN'T --

I GET TOO CAUGHT UP IN,

LIKE, THE PERFORMATIVE ASPECT OF KARAOKE, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

SO IT'S LIKE I-I AM BASICALLY INCAPABLE OF DELIVERING

A SINCERE KARAOKE PERFORMANCE.

-SO THAT SOUNDS LIKE YOUR EGO.

-YEAH. YEAH.

-SEE, I DON'T DO THAT.

I GET VERY MUCH IN MY HEAD,

AND I FEEL LIKE I'M ONSTAGE PERFORMING

FOR THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE.

-YOU WANT TO BE ONSTAGE IN FRONT OF A THOUSAND PEOPLE?

-WELL, IF THEY'RE ALL MY FRIENDS.

-YOU HAVE A THOUSAND FRIENDS?

-I HAVE A THOUSAND HEAD FRIENDS.

-OH, A THOUSAND HEAD FRIENDS.

THAT'S NORMAL.

AND IT CONTINUES, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

YOU JUST KEEP POPPING QUARTERS IN LIKE NOTHING.

-THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I THINK A RELATIONSHIP IS ABOUT, THOUGH.

-WELL, BUT THAT'S THE SAME WITH FRIENDSHIPS, TOO.

-AND SEE, LIKE, I THINK THAT. THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I BASE

IF I WANT TO BE WITH SOMEBODY ON OR NOT,

LIKE IF IT'S JUST ONE CONTINUOUS CONVERSATION

AND YOU NEVER RUN OUT OF THINGS TO SAY.

AND IF YOU DO RUN OUT OF THINGS TO SAY,

YOU DON'T JUST FILL IT UP WITH BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU --

BECAUSE YOU DON'T -- YOU'RE NOT SCARED TO BE SILENT.

-SO, LIKE, DO YOU BELIEVE IN GOD?

-SHUT UP. -'CAUSE, LIKE, I DON'T KNOW.

I LIKE -- I LIKE TO THINK OF MYSELF MORE AS LIKE JUST

LIKE A SPIRITUAL PERSON, YOU KNOW?

-YEAH. YEAH, IT'S LIKE -- LIKE,

GOD ISN'T, LIKE,

THIS BIG, LIKE, GUY IN THE SKY, YOU KNOW?

HE'S LIKE --

HE'S LIKE EVERYWHERE AND EVERYTHING.

IT'S LIKE SCIENCE AND DNA, RIGHT?

-YEAH, LIKE, THE UNIVERSE IS, LIKE, SO INFINITE.

AND, LIKE, I-I GOT --

I'M JUST BLOWING MY OWN MIND RIGHT NOW.

-WE ARE SO DEEP, MAN.

-MM.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

-UH, IT'S THIS THING THAT I LEARNED IN THE SIXTH GRADE

WHERE, IF YOU TAKE YOUR THUMB

AND JUST PUT IT IN PERSPECTIVE TO THE FACE,

THEN IT LOOKS LIKE YOUR THUMB

HAS THAT PERSON'S HAIR. -WHAT?

-YEAH.

-WHAT?

THIS IS GREAT.

[ FOOTSTEPS APPROACH ]

-ON WITH THE PROGRAM, ON WITH THE PROGRAM.

-WHERE -- WHERE ARE WE?

-UM... THAT'S MY CAR.

-OKAY.

-MM-HMM.

[ EXHALES ]

MM-HMM...

[ EXHALES ]

-Y-YOU ARE GIVING ME A VERY SERIOUS...

T-TURNING ME ON.

HO, SH-- HOLY...

ARE -- ARE YOU...

ARE YOU THIS DRUNK?

OKAY.

THAT'S -- THAT'S... THAT'S VERY GOOD TO HEAR.

-YOU KNOW WHAT'S REALLY WEIRD? IT'S REALLY WEIRD

TO MAKE OUT WITH SOMEBODY WITH FACIAL HAIR.

-WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

-YEAH, PROBABLY NEVER DONE IT ACTUALLY.

-OKAY, KICK. YEAH, YEAH.

[ SMACK ] OW! FUCK!

-OH, NO, NO, NO!

-YOU KISS JUST LIKE A BLACK GIRL.

-WHAT?

-NOT -- I MEAN NOT A BLACK GIRL...

MY FRIEND JENNY. -WHAT --

[ MOANING ]

WAIT -- WHY DO YOU KISS YOUR FRIEND?

-JUST... SHUT UP.

-♪ I NEED SOME TIME, I DREAM ABOUT WHEN ♪

-WOULD YOU BELIEVE IF I SAID I'VE NEVER DONE THIS BEFORE?

-WHAT, LIKE, IN A CAR?

-YEAH, IN A CAR, LIKE...

OR, LIKE, WHATEVER. -OKAY.

I'M OKAY WITH THAT.

-♪ TOUCH OF YOUR SKIN ON MY SKIN ♪

♪ LOOK AWAY, THE SUN'S ABOVE US ♪

♪ NOW YOU'LL KNOW WE'LL LOOK BACK UP IN TIME ♪

-THAT FEELS...

OH, THAT F-- THAT FEELS...

-♪ ONLY 15

-OH, THAT FEELS SO WEIRD.

-♪ THE SLIPSTREAM, YOU'RE WITH -- ♪

-MORE YOUR NIGHT?

-YEAH.

[ HELICOPTER BLADES WHIRRING ]

-WE HAVE KNOWN YOU WERE GAY FOR AGES.

-W-WHY WOULDN'T YOU TELL ME?

-WHY DIDN'T WE TELL YOU YOUR SEXUAL ORIENTATION?

-GAY ISN'T BAD. -NO.

-GRAY ISN'T BAD. -GUNGAN.

-THE GUNGAN WARRIORS OF THE PLANET NABOO.

-RIGHT. -EVEN A WOMAN COULD BE GAY.

-YOU JUST CAN'T COME OUT CASUALLY IS WHAT WE'RE SAYING.

IT NEEDS TO BE A SECRET OR A CAREER MOVE,

AND WE'RE THINKING, AT THIS POINT,

IT SHOULD BE A SECRET. -SECRET.

-YOU KNOW, IRON RIM IS AN A-LIST COMPANY,

AND WE'RE JUST OUT THERE TRYING TO GET YOU A-LIST TYPE OF JOBS,

BUT GAY GUYS... -THOSE MENS.

-ARE NOT BIG STARS. -NOT.

-THEY'RE NOT IRON RIM CALIBER GUYS.

THEY'RE, YOU KNOW, DAY PLAYERS.

THEY'RE SERIAL KILLERS ON COP SHOWS.

-CHARACTER ACTORS.

UGH.

YOU ARE A LEADING MAN.

THERE ARE STAKES HERE, BRENDO.

-I KNOW, I KNOW.

-YOU CAN'T JUST SHOW UP AT A GAY CLUB

AND YOU'RE SHOUTING AT THE PAPARAZZI.

BRENDO, HEY, THAT'S NOT THE WAY WE'RE GONNA DO IT.

-HAVE YOU SEEN THE NEW MARKETING CAMPAIGN FOR THE SHOW

THAT CAME OUT YESTERDAY? -GREAT CALL.

-LOOK BEHIND YOU.

♪

-SHIT. -RIGHT.

-OKAY. -GREAT.

-HEY, NO MORE RISKS.

NO MORE RISKS.

FROM NOW UNTIL THE PREMIERE,

IF ANYONE ASKS IF YOU ARE GAY, YOU SAY...

"IT'S PERSONAL." -"IT'S PERSONAL."

-"IT'S PERSONAL." -"IT'S PERSONAL."

-IT'S PERSONAL.

-♪ IT'S A LITTLE LETDOWN, BUT I'M NOT DEAD ♪

♪ THERE'S A LITTLE BIT MORE THAT HAS TO BE SAID ♪

♪ YOU PLAY ME, NOW I PLAY YOU TOO ♪

♪ LET'S JUST CALL IT OVER

♪ ALL THE BROKEN HEARTS IN THE WORLD STILL BEAT ♪

♪ LET'S NOT MAKE IT HARDER THAN IT HAS TO BE ♪

♪ OH, OH, OH, OH, IT'S ALL THE SAME THING ♪

♪ GIRLS CHASE BOYS, CHASE GIRLS ♪

♪ ALL THE BROKEN HEARTS IN THE WORLD STILL BEAT ♪

♪ LET'S NOT MAKE IT HARDER THAN IT HAS TO BE ♪

♪ OH, OH, OH, OH, IT'S ALL THE SAME THING ♪

♪ GIRLS CHASE BOYS, CHASE GIRLS ♪

♪ CHASE GIRLS, CHASE BOYS

[ CHILDREN SCREAMING ON RIDE ]

♪

♪ ALL THE BROKEN HEARTS IN THE WORLD STILL BEAT ♪

♪ LET'S NOT MAKE IT HARDER THAN IT HAS TO BE ♪

♪ OH, OH, OH, OH, IT'S ALL THE SAME ♪

♪ GIRLS CHASE BOYS, CHASE GIRLS ♪

♪ ALL THE BROKEN HEARTS IN THE WORLD STILL BEAT ♪

♪ LET'S NOT MAKE IT HARDER THAN IT HAS TO BE ♪

♪ OH, OH, OH, OH

-AAH! WHOA, WHOA!

-WELL, I THOUGHT HE WAS, TOO.

DON'T BE A FOOL.

-BRENDAN!

-CORY?!

-HI.

♪

[ KNOCK ON DOOR ]

-KRIS. DOOR!

-I'M WATCHING THE "HOMEWARD BOUND."

-OW! KRIS!

-THESE DOGS -- WHOSE DOGS ARE THESE?

-HEATHER AND I BROKE UP.

-YEAH, I HEARD.

-I HAVE AN W--

-GET IN HERE.

-TRAGEDY TODAY -- BRENDAN EHRLICK IS GAY.

AND A NATION WONDERS WHAT IT DID TO DESERVE THIS TYPE OF...

-WHERE'D YOU GO, ANYWAY?

I MEAN, LIKE, WHY WOULD YOU LEAVE?

-I MET A GIRL.

-IN A GAY BAR?

-BUT I THINK SHE ACTUALLY MIGHT'VE BEEN, LIKE,

GAY OR LIKE A BI.

I DON'T EVEN KNOW HER LAST NAME.

I COULDN'T EVEN FIND HER ON -- ON FACEBOOK.

IF I WANTED -- SHOULD WE --

COULD YOU HAVE PEOPLE

WHO CAN HOOK IN TO FACEBOOK AND JUST FIND OUT STUFF?

-THAT'S REALLY CREEPY. -WHAT?

-THAT'S TOO MUCH.

I --

YOU KNOW, I-I PAID FOR YOU TO COME HERE.

I-I FLEW YOU OUT HERE,

AND THAT'S PROBABLY BECAUSE I NEEDED A FRIEND.

OKAY, I NEEDED A FRIEND, AND I CHOSE YOU, CORY.

I MEAN, THAT SHOULD MEAN SOMETHING TO YOU.

THAT SHOULD -- THAT SHOULD SAY SOMETHING LIKE, "HEY, MAYBE

I SHOULDN'T LEAVE MY FRIEND IN A GAY B--"

[ RINGTONE PLAYING ]

-♪ BOOM, BOOM, BOOM, BOOM I WANT YOU IN MY ROOM ♪

-IT'S GRIFFIN.

-♪ LET'S SPEND THE NIGHT TOGETHER -- ♪

-HELLO.

-HEY, YEAH.

UH, CRESCENT HEIGHTS? SURE.

YEAH, I KNOW WHERE THAT IS. YEAH.

NOW? NO.

YES! OKAY. SURE.

OBVIOUSLY. OKAY.

BYE.

-YES!

BRENDAN! -OKAY, STOP, PLEASE.

THIS IS PERFECT.

THIS IS A NIGHTMARE!

-♪ I LIVE FOR THE NIGHT

♪ RING, RING

-STOP IT! STOP RIGHT THERE!

AAH!

-OH, SHIT!

BRENDAN EHRLICK, COME ON.

RIGHT OVER HERE. DAVID, FOLLOW ME.

GET ON MY ASS RIGHT NOW.

-WHAT IF THEY'RE COMING, MAN?

WHAT AM I -- WHAT AM I GONNA S-- WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

-I'M THE GAY ONE. -WHAT?

-BRENDAN! I'M THE GAY ONE.

-GET OUT OF HERE. -CORY!

BUT I'M THE GAY ONE. -OH, GOD! I'M SO GAY!

-DAVID, DON'T FUCKING SHOOT HIM.

EHRLICK'S RIGHT HERE. SHOOT HIM.

NOT THE GAY SHIT -- THE OTHER GAY SHIT.

-MY NAME'S JASON. -YOU BETTER GET 'EM, JASON!

-♪ I LIVE FOR THE NIGHT, I LIVE FOR THE NIGHT ♪

♪

-MAN UP, BRENDAN! MAN UP, BRENDAN.

YOU GOT IT. NAILED IT.

-RIGHT HERE. BRENDAN, HI! ENJOYING THE PARADE?

-THAT'S PERSONAL.

♪

-YEAH! COME HERE. MM!

-♪ I LIVE FOR THE NIGHT

♪ I LIVE FOR THE HIGH TILL I'M FREE FALLING ♪

-ALL RIGHT. LET'S GO. -OFF THE FLOAT, BUDDY.

-COME ON, COME ON. -COME ON.

-DOWN, DOWN, DOWN. -YES, YOU DID!

YES, YOU DID! YES, YOU DID!

YES, YOU DID! YES, YOU DID!

-GABRIELE.

COME IN, GABBI.

BE WITH ME.

GABBI. COME.

-AAH! I'M A PENIS!

-OH!

-WHO'S CORY?

-A PENIS. -PENIS?

COOL.

HOW LONG ARE YOU GONNA BE STAYING WITH US...

AT OUR HOUSE?

-Hi, honey. It's Mom.

Sounds like you had an interesting night last night.

Gay pride parade. That's different.

We've got a lot to talk about.

♪

-WE GOT TO MEET MY PARENTS IN 25 MINUTES, CORY -- 25.

-NO, NO, NO, NO, SHH, SHH, SHH, SHH, SHH, SHH.

DON'T BE MAD.

-WE SENT OUR STFU CAMERAS TO THE ANNUAL WEST HOLLYWOOD

PRIDE PARADE TO CATCH UP WITH THIS CONTROVERSIAL ACTOR.

-NO WAY.

-"RUH-ROH." -AND ARE YOU GOING

TO BE EXPRESSING YOURSELF HERE TONIGHT?

-UH, YOU KNOW WHAT?

I'M ACTUALLY -- I'M SUPPORTING MY FRIEND CORY.

OVER THERE, ON THE FLOAT GOING CRAZY, YEAH.

-AH, THE SUPER-GAY ONE.

-ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW?

-THIS IS KEMPY BLOOK, A BODY-LANGUAGE EXPERT

FROM UC NORTHRIDGE,

WHO'S HERE TO HELP US "CSI" THE SEXY.

-HI. -HI.

-AS YOU CAN SEE HERE, BY THE ANGLING OF HIS HIPS,

THE DOWNTURNED CORNER OF HIS MOUTH,

AND HIS HANDS UP LIKE HE'S SAYING, "GET THIS GUY OFF ME,"

HE'S NOT ENJOYING THIS.

-SO YOU'RE SAYING STRAIGHT? -OH, YEAH.

100% -HUH, HUH, HUH?!

-CORY, I -- I DIDN'T WANT TO COME OUT AS STRAIGHT.

-AND HE'S IN THE CAR.

I MEAN, I THINK A GAY PERSON WOULD'VE GOTTEN OUT

AND JOINED THE PARADE LIKE HIS FRIEND DID.

-ATTICA! ATTICA! ATTICA!

-GABBI, ARE YOU STILL, UM, ON THE -- OH, OH, OH!

WHOA. UH-OH.

OKAY. ALL RIGHT.

NOT GOING TO WORK TODAY, HUH?

THAT'S TWO DAYS IN A ROW.

LET'S GET YOU OUT OF THE HOUSE.

-I DON'T WANT TO MOVE. -COME ON.

-I THINK I'M FREAKING OUT.

-WHY?

WE DON'T HAVE TO TELL THEM RIGHT NOW, MAN.

IF YOU DON'T WANT TO TELL THEM, WE DON'T HAVE TO DO IT.

THIS IS -- NO ONE'S HOLDING A GUN TO YOUR HEAD.

THIS DOESN'T HAVE TO BE "THE LUNCH."

-YOU KNOW, WHEN I STARTED ACTING,

I THINK MY PARENTS JUST THOUGHT IT WAS GONNA BE A KID THING --

YOU KNOW, DO A FEW COMMERCIALS,

MAKE SOME MONEY FOR COLLEGE.

THEY'RE NOT STAGE PARENTS.

I... I GROW UP,

I BECOME AN ACTOR, I MOVE TO L.A.,

I SEE THEM, WHAT, MAYBE TWO, THREE TIMES A YEAR,

AND NOW...

I'M GAY? I MEAN, THAT'LL BE IT.

THAT'LL BE THE STRAW THAT BROKE THE CAMEL'S BACK.

THEY WON'T EVEN KNOW ME ANYMORE.

-YOU'RE NOT SCARED? -NO.

-'CAUSE YOU SEEM SCARED.

-HESITANT. CARE-- CAREFUL.

I'M BEING CAREFUL. -OKAY.

-YOU KNOW HOW I FREEZE IN THESE SITUATIONS.

IT HAPPENS TO ME ON SET. IT HAPPENS TO ME

BEFORE INTERVIEWS SOMETIMES. I FREEZE.

-I KNOW THAT ABOUT YOU, MAN,

BUT I'M HERE NOW, OKAY?

EMOTIONAL DAMAGE CONTROL.

-NOT SO FAR. -LOOK, MAN,

IF YOU'RE SO FRUSTRATED, JUST --

JUST TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT,

WHAT YOU REALLY, REALLY WANT.

-I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I WANT, WHAT I REALLY, REALLY WA--

-AW, COME ON! COME ON!

-I KNOW THAT THIS ISN'T REALLY YOUR TYPE OF PLACE

BUT -- -I'M NOT GOING IN.

-NOT COMING IN.

-GUYS.

-THAT'S WHAT I THINK IS WRONG WITH LOS ANGELES, IS PEOPLE

LEAD THESE INSULAR LIVES IN THEIR CARS, RIGHT?

THEY'RE COMMUTING FROM HERE TO THERE,

AND THEY'RE ALWAYS INSIDE THIS LITTLE METAL HOUSE.

AND THEY FIND THEMSELVES

NOT CONNECTING WITH THEIR FELLOW MAN, RIGHT?

AT LEAST, THAT'S THE WAY IT SEEMS.

CORY, ARE YOU GAY?

-AM...

I GAY? -YES.

WE HAVE A GOOGLE ALERT FOR BRENDAN, AND...

WE SAW THE VIDEO.

-YES TO DICK! YES TO DICK! -I LOVE DICKS!

-YES TO DICK! -I LOVE DICK SO MUCH!

-THAT'S RIGHT, WE CALLED YOUR PARENTS.

BUT THEY SAID THAT YOU'D BEEN DEPRESSED.

IS THAT TRUE? -YOU'VE BEEN DEPRESSED?

-CALLED MY PARENTS? AH.

WOW. SHIT.

WOW.

AH, SHIT-WOW.

-YOU KNOW, WE ALWAYS HAD A FEELING,

THE WAY YOU FOLLOWED BRENDAN AROUND

AND WANTING TO BE HIS BEST FRIEND.

-BOYS DON'T HAVE BEST FRIENDS.

THEY DON'T.

NO MAN HAS A BEST FRIEND.

-UH, BRENDAN, DO YOU, UH, MAYBE WANT TO STEP IN ON THIS OR...

-UH...

♪

I...

-YOU...

SHE... -CORY?

-DUDE, THAT'S HER. -CORY, WAIT.

-IT'S FUCKIN' HER! -FUCK OUT OF THE ROAD!

-DON'T LEAVE ME, CORY! -WATCH IT, LESBIAN!

-AAH! -OH, REALLY?

-C-COME ON, MAN! -AAH!

-AAH! WHOA!

-OH, I'M SORRY. YOU ALL RIGHT?

-MY FEMUR! -SORRY ABOUT THAT!

-SUCH A WEIRD GUY. -NO KIDDING!

-HA HA!

-UNH!

-AH! OH...

WHY...

WHY ARE YOU RUNNING FROM ME?

-WHY WERE YOU IN THE GAY PRIDE PARADE?

-DID YOU SEE ME IN THAT? HOW DID I LOOK, PRETTY GAY?

-IS THIS A FUCKIN' JOKE TO YOU?

YOU KNOW WHAT? I DON'T EVEN WANT TO HEAR THE ANSWER.

I DON'T CARE. PLEASE JUST LEAVE ME ALONE.

-NO. HEY, NO!

I'M MAD OR SOMETHING.

I'M MAD AT YOU!

-ALL THE MORE REASON FOR YOU TO LEAVE ME ALONE!

-HEY! YOU LEFT ME IN SANTA MONICA,

WHICH I NOW REALIZE IS VERY FAR FROM EVERYWHERE ELSE!

-YEAH, CORY, BECAUSE I WAS DONE.

-YOU'RE DONE MY ASS. -I'M GAY.

WHY WOULD YOU EVEN COME ON TO ME IN THE FIRST PLACE?

-WHAT, IS A FLANNEL SHIRT

SUPPOSED TO BE SOME KIND OF LESBIAN POWER RANGER UNIFORM?

-I WAS IN A GAY BAR! -I WAS IN A GAY BAR!

AND YOU SEEMED INTO ME. -OH, I SEEMED INTO YOU.

-YEAH, YOU DID WHEN WE WERE HAVING SEX

IN YOUR CAR THAT YOU INITIATED. -EW! EW! EW!

-YOU SEEMED PRETTY INTO ME. -YOU ARE A FUCKIN' ASSHOLE.

THAT IS A GROSS THING TO SAY.

-OKAY, I'M SORRY, I'M SORRY, I'M SORRY, I'M SORRY.

BUT I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY YOU WOULD DO THIS TO ME.

-YEAH, 'CAUSE YOU DON'T SEEM TO UNDERSTAND ANYTHING.

-THEN EXPLAIN IT TO ME. HELP ME UNDERSTAND IT.

-NO, YOU STUPID ASSHOLE. -WHOA.

-DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY GUY FRIENDS I HAVE?

-SIX? -NONE GUY FRIENDS.

THAT'S HOW MANY GUY FRIENDS I HAVE BECAUSE EVERY "GUY FRIEND"

THAT HAS BEFRIENDED ME

HAS JUST BEEN SECRETLY IN LOVE WITH ME AND PROJECTING

ALL THEIR STUPID FUCKING DRAMATIC BULLSHIT ONTO ME.

AND FOR THE PAST 24 YEARS OF MY LIFE,

I'VE BEEN TRYING TO ACCEPT MYSELF AND GET TO KNOW MYSELF

AND UNDERSTAND MYSELF AND FIND CONFIDENCE EVEN FROM WITHIN

AND ALL THAT STUPID BULLSHIT,

AND I AM IN A VERY VULNERABLE PLACE,

AND I AM DOING CRAZY THINGS!

-NO, NO, NO, I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY DOING SOMETHING

WE BOTH WANT TO DO IS CRAZY, OKAY?

-I DON'T WANT TO DO IT, CORY!

I'M SORRY, BUT I DON'T WANT TO DO IT.

-LOOK, I'M JUST IN TOWN FOR TWO MORE DAYS, OKAY?

SO JUST TAKE MY NUMBER, AND I'LL NEVER CALL YOU.

-NO. NO, I DON'T WANT YOUR NUMBER.

-JUST TAKE MY NUMBER. -NO, I'M NOT TAKING YOUR NUMBER.

-YOU'RE TAKING MY NUMBER. -I'M NOT TAKING YOUR NUMBER,

YOU DOUCHE BAG. -3-0-5.

-I DON'T WANT YOUR NUMBER. -3-0-5.

-I DON'T WANT YOUR NUMBER, I DON'T WANT YOUR NUMBER!

-3-0-5!

3-0-5! 3-0-5.

-IS THAT -- IS THAT THE START OF THE NUMBER,

OR THE AREA CODE OF THE NUMBER?!

-IT'S THE AREA CODE! 3-0-5!

0-1-- -WHAT?

-0-1-2, 1-8-1-8.

GOD.

-WHAT IS YOUR LAST NAME? -ISAACSON.

ISAACSON.

-FUCK YOU!

AND FUCK OFF!

-AH, NOW YOU JUST SHOVED ME TO TOUCH ME!

AAH!

I HATE LOS ANGELES.

WHERE AM I?

HOW'D YOUR -- HOW'D YOUR PARENTS TAKE IT?

-YOU LITERALLY RAN AWAY.

-I COULDN'T FIGURE OUT HOW TO GET BACK, MAN.

IT WAS LIKE A ONCE-IN-A-LIFETIME THING.

-YOU'RE A SHITTY FRIEND.

-DUDE, WHAT ARE THE CHANCES THAT I WOULD EVER SEE HER AGAIN,

LIKE 1 IN 3 MILLION?

-YOU KNOW, CORY, THERE COMES A TIME IN YOUR LIFE

WHERE YOU HAVE TO BE ON SOMEONE ELSE'S SIDE,

OKAY, NOT JUST YOURS -- WHERE --

WHERE YOU MAKE SACRIFICES AND DON'T JUST PUT YOURSELF

FIRST 'CAUSE THAT'S WHAT YOU FEEL LIKE DOING AT THE MOMENT.

-WHATEVER, DUDE.

BRENDAN, MAN. -ARE YOU EVEN SORRY?

ARE YOU SORRY?

-NO FUCKIN' WAY.

-YEAH.

THEN GO ON AND... GET THE FUCK OUT MY CAR RIGHT NOW, PLEASE.

-WHAT? -GET OUT OF MY CAR.

I NEED A BREAK FROM YOU.

-YOU NEED A BREAK FROM ME?

DUDE, I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE.

-SANTA MONICA,

WESTWOOD, CULVER CITY,

HOLLYWOOD, SILVER LAKE,

LOS FELIZ, DOWNTOWN!

THERE!

YOU'RE SITUATED!

-SERIOUSLY? -YEAH.

TAKE YOUR STUPID SWEATER.

-FUCK, DUDE. -SHUT THE --

-COME ON. BRENDAN, COME ON, MAN.

AAH!

UGH!

I'VE BEEN EXILED!

-I'M JUST GONNA RUN OFF FOR 40 MINUTES, COME BACK.

WHAT AM I, YOUR VALET? IS THIS JUST A HOTEL?

ARE WE CHECKING IN TO THE HOTEL LAURA?

-LISTEN, I'M SORRY. I DON'T KNOW

WHAT YOU WANT ME TO SAY.

-GABRIELLE.

HI.

-FUCK OFF!

-OKAY. I'M GONNA GO.

-YEAH.

[ KNOCKING ] -GABRIELLE?

IT'S ME.

-YEAH, I KNOW IT'S YOU.

-I DON'T LIKE HOW WE LEFT IT.

-YOU DIDN'T RESPOND TO ANY OF MY TEXTS.

-WELL... -OR ANY OF MY PHONE CALLS.

-I WAS BUSY.

I WAS -- -YOU'RE BUSY.

-I WAS EMOTIONAL.

YOU UNDERSTAND THAT.

I'M A FRAGILE PERSON,

AND WHEN SOMEONE'S BEING CRUEL TO ME THE WAY

YOU WERE BEING CRUEL TO ME --

-HOW WAS I BEING CRUEL TO YOU, HEATHER?

-YOU JUDGED ME.

YOU'RE AL-- ALWAYS JUDGING ME.

-WHEN HAVE I JUDGED YOU?

-WHEN YOU FOUND OUT I WAS HAVING SEX WITH OTHER PEOPLE.

YOU WERE SO CRUEL TO ME.

YOU... JUDGED ME,

AND YOU SHOUTED AT ME.

I NEED TO BE TREATED WITH CARE AND LOVE.

NOT AGGRESSION AND DERISION.

YOU MADE A MOCKERY OF THE TRUST

I PUT IN YOU JUST BECAUSE YOU WERE MAD AT ME.

IT'S LIKE YOU DIDN'T EVEN CARE ABOUT HOW I WAS FEELING.

-HEATHER, I SLEPT WITH SOMEONE.

-OH, MY GOD.

YOU F--

YOU F-FUCKED SOMEONE, AND IT'S ONLY BEEN A DAY?

HOW COULD YOU BE SO HEARTLESS?

-YOU WERE SLEEPING WITH OTHER PEOPLE

WHILE WE WERE STILL TOGETHER.

-DON'T MAKE THIS ABOUT ME, YOU FUCKING --

[ SCREAMING ]

WHAT THE FUCK?! MONSTER! SOCIOPATH!

I HATE YOU! YOU!

-HEATHER, IF YOU DON'T GET OUT OF HERE RIGHT NOW,

I'M GONNA BE FORCED TO TAKE ACTION!

-FINE!

CALL THE POLICE!

SEND ME TO JAIL, IF THAT'S WHAT YOU THINK I DESERVE!

-I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT COPS, HEATHER.

I'M TALKING ABOUT ME COMING OUT THERE

AND SPLITTING YOUR HEAD OPEN LIKE A FUCKING WATERMELON!

[ SPITS ]

-LITTLE BITCH!

-YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO DO THAT. -THE FUCK I DIDN'T.

LAURA, YOU CAN COME DOWN NOW.

-ALL BECAUSE I HAVE NO IDEA WHATSOEVER WHAT THE FUCK I WANT

AND WHAT THE FUCK I'M DOING. I'M ENTIRELY SELFISH.

AND THEN TODAY, I RAN INTO HIM IN BEVERLY HILLS

AND THEN I RAN AWAY FROM YOU BECAUSE I'M A FUCKING COWARD.

-DAMN. -KRIS, COME ON.

HAD YOU EVER...

WITH A GUY BEFORE? -NO.

-YOU LOST YOUR...

-I LOST MY VIRGINITY WHEN I WAS 15 YEARS OLD, LAURA.

-NOT TECHNICALLY. -'CAUSE OF A PENIS?

-OHH, "PENIS."

DID YOU PUT IT IN YOUR...?

WHERE DID HE...?

-IN A McDONALD'S HAMBURGER WRAPPER.

-STOP. AAH! STOP! WHAT?

-LAURA, WHAT IS YOUR HANG-UP? -STOP!

ARE YOU NOT HEARING THIS?

-YEAH, I'M HEARING IT. SO, WHAT?

-IT'S JUST -- -MAYBE SHE'S BI.

EVERYONE HAS TO BE A GOLD STAR NOW?

WOULD YOU TREAT ME DIFFERENT

IF YOU KNEW I'D BEEN WITH A FEW ASIAN GUYS?

-IF YOU HAD BEEN WITH A GUY --

A FEW ASIAN GUYS?

THAT IS WAY TOO SPECIFIC. -OKAY, CALM DOWN.

GABBI, IF YOU LIKE THIS GUY, CALL HIM, OKAY?

IT'S A FUCK OF A LOT BETTER THAN THAT DOUCHEBAG HEATHER.

I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU'RE BEING SUCH A BABY.

-I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU.

-OH, YOU LOVE THIS.

YOU LOVE ALL OF THIS.

-I LOVE MOST OF IT.

-WHAT PART DON'T YOU LOVE?

-LISTEN, BRENDAN, I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF YOU'RE GONNA GET THIS,

AND I KNOW THAT YOU'RE PROBABLY JUST ALL,

LIKE, "YEAH, FUCK CORY," AND THIS AND THAT.

BUT, UH --

BUT, UH,

I DON'T KNOW, UM, UH...

I'M UNHAPPY, DUDE.

YOU REMEMBER WHEN I APPLIED FOR ALL THOSE JOBS OUT HERE

AND I DIDN'T GET A SINGLE ONE?

MAN, I...

THAT DID A THING TO ME, MAN.

YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW.

I THINK I GOT SCARED.

OKAY, I-I GOT SCARED THAT I WAS JUST GONNA COME OUT HERE,

AND I WAS -- I WAS JUST GONNA BE THREE STEPS BEHIND YOU.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? I WAS JUST GONNA BE PART

OF YOUR FAMOUS-GUY ENTOURAGE.

AND I WAS GONNA COME OUT HERE AND...

JUST BE NOBODY.

'CAUSE BACK HOME, I AM SOMEBODY, MAN.

AT MY JOB, I'M SOMEBODY.

AND I WAS --

I WAS JUST TOO SCARED TO START OVER AGAIN.

[ SIGHS ]

I'M SORRY FOR BEING A DICK.

CALL ME, MAN.

[ BIRD CAWS ]

-♪ STACY'S MOM HAS GOT IT GOIN' ON ♪

♪ SHE'S ALL I WANT AND I'VE -- ♪

-HE-- HELLO?

OH.

HI, GABBI.

-♪ HERE, HERE WE ARE

♪ AND ALL WE'VE GOT

♪ WE HAD FROM THE START

[ KNOCKING ON DOOR ]

♪ SO GET UP, GET UP, GET UP AND GO ON ♪

♪ KEEP YOUR HEAD UP, LOVE, KEEP YOUR HEART STRONG ♪

-YOU LEFT YOUR SWEATER.

L.A. IS FUCKING WEIRD.

-YEAH...

-THANKS FOR THIS.

SO, THIS IS, UH, YOUR PLACE?

NO, I, UM...

I-I GOT IT SO WE COULD...

TALK, I...

-SO, YOU... GOT A HOTEL ROOM

TO TALK?

MY FACE IS, LIKE,

BEING PULLED TOWARDS YOUR FACE RIGHT NOW BY INVISIBLE WIRES.

DO YOU FEEL THAT?

-NO, THAT'S -- MNH-MNH.

THAT'S BAD. -WHY?

-UH...

MM, UH...

UM, I DON'T KNOW --

I DON'T KNOW HOW TO ARTICULATE IT RIGHT NOW,

BUT, UM, I JUST -- I WAS THINKING ABOUT IT.

I DIDN'T THINK ABOUT IT THAT MUCH,

BUT I WAS THINKING ABOUT IT A LITTLE BIT, AND HOW, UM,

I DON'T -- I DON'T --

I DON'T THINK -- I MEAN, THERE'S A LOT OF OPTIONS.

THERE'S A LOT OF OUTCOMES. THERE'S, LIKE,

A LOT OF DIFFERENT THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WITH IT,

BUT, UM, WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT THE CONSEQUENCE,

AND THEN YOU THINK ABOUT THE CONSEQUENCE SO MUCH

THAT YOU FREAK -- YOU KNOW, YOU GO...

"DO I WANT TO MAKE THIS CHOICE?

DO I -- DO I WANT TO FACE THE CONSEQUENCE OF THE CHOICE --

OF THE OPTION OF THE CHOICE

THAT IF YOU MAKE THIS CHOICE, THEN THERE'S THAT CONSEQUENCE?"

AND SUDDENLY, I'M -- I'M ON THE SIDE OF A DOOR,

AND THEN THERE'S -- ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE DOOR,

THERE'S A CRAZY PERSON YELLING AT ME THROUGH THE DOOR.

AND IT'S LIKE, "BOOM, BOOM, BOOM! YOU'RE A SLUT!"

AND I'M LIKE, "WHAT? YOU'RE A SLUT."

WHEN I WAS A LITTLE KID AND I WAS THINKING ABOUT

THE THINGS I WANTED TO DO WHEN I GREW UP,

IT WAS ONE OF THE THINGS I WANTED TO DO.

THEN THERE'S THE CIRCLE OF LIFE. AND THEN THERE'S THE CIRCLE

OF UN-LIFE AND THESE OTHER CONSEQUENCES FROM WHICH --

WHICH DIRECTION YOU SPEND IN AND THE CONSEQUENCES

AND THE COMMITMENT AND THE CIRCLE OF THE LIFE

AND WHAT YOU INVEST IN.

AND I SAW A POSSUM GET HIT BY A CAR.

AND IT'S LIKE, "WHAT HAPPENED TO ALL OF THE BABY POSSUMS?"

I'M SORRY. I DON'T -- I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING.

GO FOR IT.

-♪ OOH-OOH-OOH

-Call me, man...

-I DON'T KNOW, MAN.

I'M WITH YOU.

I DON'T KNOW WHO I AM.

-♪ BOOM, BOOM, BOOM, BOOM, I WANT YOU IN MY ROOM ♪

-'SUP, MY BOO?!

-H. JO, WHAT'S UP?!

-SO, ARE YOU TOTALLY FUCKING GAY RIGHT NOW?

ARE YOU GETTING BUTT-FUCKED, BUTT-FUCKED,

BUTT-FUCKED RIGHT NOW?!

JUST 'CAUSE YOU LIKE TO FUCK DUDES, IT DOESN'T MAKE YOU GAY.

I FUCK WHATEVER I WANT, MAN. I FEEL COMPLETELY NORMAL.

HEY, GET DOWN OFF THAT TABLE! SIT! SIT!

[ MEWING AND HISSING ]

SORRY, BOO, I'M YELLING AT MY CATS.

YOU CAN'T LET THE CATS IN THE GYM.

THEY PISS! GODDAMN IT!

I SAW THAT THEY WERE FUCKING WITH YOU ON STFU, MAN.

THEY WANT TO STEP IN THE RING AND TAKE A SWING AT THE KING,

THEN POW! POW! POW! POW!

TELL THEM, "I THINK YOUR ARMS ARE A LITTLE TOO SHORT

TO BOX WITH GOD!"

STAY GAY, BUDDY. [ BEEP ]

-UH... HELLO?

-...ANTICIPATED RETURN

OF THE MOST CRITICALLY ACCLAIMED SHOW IN TELEVISION HISTORY.

JUSTICE IS COMING.

BUT TO COME,

FIRST YOU'VE GOT TO GET HARD.

"HARD JUSTICE."

-OH, BOY.

-HEY. -HEY! HEY!

-THAT'S SO SCARY. ALL RIGHT.

OW! -I'M SORRY.

I'M SORRY. I'M SORRY.

-OHH. THIS IS TOO NICE.

I LIKE THIS TOO MUCH. -WHAT?

IT'S TOO NICE FOR YOU WHY?

-I LIKE IT TOO MUCH.

I'M GOING THROUGH THIS, LIKE, STRESSFUL --

I'M OBVIOUSLY -- I'M GAY.

AND I'M --

I'M JUST COMING OUT OF A RELATIONSHIP

WITH A GIRL NAMED HEATHER.

BUT SHE WAS JUST A REAL LIAR.

SHE WOULD JUST FUCKING DO SO MUCH FUCKED-UP STUFF.

SHE'D FUCKING FLIRT WITH OTHER PEOPLE RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME

AND THEN CONVINCE ME THAT I WAS CRAZY

AND A BITCH FOR GETTING MAD.

AND IT TURNS OUT THAT SHE'S BEEN FUCKING OTHER PEOPLE

SINCE LIKE OUR FIRST DATE.

-YEAH, LIKE, WHAT A DICK.

RIGHT? GOOD FUCKING RIDDANCE.

-YEAH, THAT IS HOW I SHOULD FEEL.

SURE. THAT WOULD BE THE NORMAL,

HEALTHY, WELL-ADJUSTED WAY TO FEEL.

AND I WOULD JUST SAY, "YEAH, GOOD RIDDANCE."

BUT FOR SOME SICK REASON,

I JUST -- ALL I WANT TO DO IS FORGIVE HER.

AND I LITERALLY --

I FEEL HYPNOTIZED BY HER.

I FEEL, LIKE, COMPLETE MIND CONTROL.

I JUST FEEL LIKE I JUST ESCAPED A CULT OR SOMETHING.

AND I DON'T HAVE ANY SELF CONTROL IN IT.

AND I NEED SOMEBODY TO PHYSICALLY STOP ME

FROM GOING BACK TO HER.

I CANNOT DO IT ON MY OWN.

I DON'T THINK I HAVE IT IN ME.

AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.

I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW.

I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW.

-SOUNDS LIKE YOU DO KNOW.

I SOUND LIKE BRENDAN.

-WHO'S BRENDAN?

-MY BEST FRIEND ON EARTH.

-WHAT IS THAT FACE?

-WERE YOU SCARED TO COME OUT?

-WHY ARE YOU ASKING ME THAT?

-WELL -- -WHAT IS THIS, A GAY THING?

-IT'S, LIKE, A SUPER-GAY THING.

-WHOO-HOO! WHOO-HOO!

-WHOA-HO-HO

-THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR DOING THIS FOR ME, GRIFFIN!

-OH, BRENDAN! IT'S SO EASY TO JUST BE GAY!

-OH, NO, I-I COULDN'T -- AAH!

-ROAR, I'M A PENIS!

-AAH!

[ SCREAMING ]

[ CAR ALARM CHIRPS ]

[ SCREAMS ]

[ PANTING ]

-CORY! GODDAMN IT!

CORY! DON'T DO THIS!

[ CAR DOORS OPEN, CLOSE ]

-WHAT IF HE'S DEAD?

-NO, HE'S NOT DEAD. I CAN HEAR HIM CRYING RIGHT NOW.

-HEY -- [ SCREAMING ]

-THAT'S A WHITE SHIRT!

SHIT, MAN! STOP TAKING OFF YOUR CLOTHES!

-AAH!

-HEY, BUDDY.

DID YOU NOT -- YOU DIDN'T SEE?

"CORY'S SORRY, BRENDAN."

-AAH! "BRENDAN"!

WHAT THE FUCK?!

-UM...

CORY SAYS THAT YOU'RE HAVING TROUBLE WITH GAYNESS.

-AND WHOSE LITTLE BOY ARE YOU?

-WE -- WE BROUGHT YOU OUT HERE BECAUSE GABBI, UH --

SHE -- SHE THOUGHT MAYBE SHE COULD HELP YOU

TAKE A CLOSER LOOK AT YOURSELF.

-OH, REALLY? LESBIAN YODA.

YOU FUCKED HER, CORY!

-YOU ARE MUCH NICER ON TV.

-I'M MISSING THE PRESS JUNKET, CORY, OKAY?!

THIS IS A MESS!

-WOW, YOU COLORED ALL OF THESE IN.

-YOU CAN'T JUST KIDNAP PEOPLE!

YOU CAN'T JUST KID--

WHERE THE HELL AM I?!

-YOU ARE BRENDAN EHRLICK.

THAT IS REALLY FUCKING CRAZY.

[ GROANS ]

I KNOW YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO ASK THIS,

SO I WON'T -- I WON'T TELL ANYBODY, BUT, UH,

DOES -- DOES YOUR CHARACTER DIE AT THE END

OF THIS SEASON OF "HARD JUSTICE"?

-I FEEL LIKE MY CHARACTER IS DYING RIGHT NOW.

-BUT DO YOU DIE IN THE SHOW? -I CAN'T SAY.

-YEAH.

I WOULD-- I WOULDN'T TELL ANYBODY, BUT...

SO, DO YOU WANT TO HEAR SOME SHIT?

-FINE. THRILL ME.

-I HAVE SPENT MOST OF MY LIFE

BASING MY PERSONALITY ON SUPPRESSING

AND DISGUISING HOW I REALLY FEEL ABOUT THINGS.

AND I HAVE LEARNED THAT THAT CAN REALLY WORK IF YOU DO IT RIGHT.

BUT IF YOU DO IT WRONG, IT IS TOXIC,

AND IT WILL BURN YOU FROM INSIDE-OUT.

IT IS LIKE THROWING A PIRANHA IN A FISH TANK.

AND A PIRANHA IS NOT A FISH THAT BELONGS IN A FISH TANK

BECAUSE IT WILL TEAR EVERYTHING UP AROUND IT AND IT WILL START

TO DRIVE YOU INSANE AND IF YOU DON'T GET IT OUT,

IT WILL DRIVE YOU FUCKING NUTS.

-I AM GOING FUCKING NUTS.

-SO THEN WHY DON'T YOU LET IT OUT?

-'CAUSE I'M SCARED.

-WHAT ARE YOU SCARED OF?

[ SCOFFS ] -WHAT AM I SCARED OF?

-YEAH.

-I'M AFRAID MY CAREER IS GONNA FALL APART.

IT'S BEEN MY WHOLE FUCKING LIFE, OKAY?

I'M AFRAID MY FANS ARE GONNA TURN ON ME.

I'M AFRAID I'LL BECOME A JOKE. AND YOU KNOW WHAT,

I-I'M FUCKING SCARED PEOPLE ARE GONNA LOOK AT ME DIFFERENT.

-OH, FUCK PEOPLE. -MY PARENTS ARE PEOPLE.

OKAY, PEOPLE I LOVE -- MY FAMILY, MY FRIENDS.

I-- YOU KNOW, I JUST -- I DON'T KNOW HOW I'M SUPPOSED

TO ESTABLISH MYSELF ALL OVER AGAIN

TO EVERY SINGLE PERSON I KNOW.

I'M AFRAID THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG ME -- NOT WRONG WITH ME.

I'M...

I'M REALLY AFRAID...

THAT I'M NOT GONNA BE ME ANYMORE.

THAT'S WHAT I'M FUCKING SCARED OF.

I'M SCARED THAT I WON'T BE ME ANYMORE.

-YOU HAVEN'T SAID THAT ONE OUT LOUD YET?

-THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN SCARED OF...

THIS WHOLE TIME -- I WON'T BE ME,

AND THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MAKE ANY SENSE.

I AM ME -- WHATEVER I DO

IS ME DOING IT BECAUSE IT'S -- IT'S ME.

I COULDN'T NOT BE ME.

WHAT, DID I THINK I WAS GONNA COME OUT OF THE CLOSET AND TURN

INTO A TENNIS BALL?

FUCK!

FUCK YOU, WORLD!

YEAH! YEAH!

I AM ME!

♪

CAN I BORROW YOUR CELLPHONE?

-SURE.

JUST DON'T DROP IT OFF THE CLIFF.

-I GOT IT COMPLETELY WRONG.

[ DISTANTLY ] -I'M GAY!

-WHAT DID HE SAY? -I...

-WHAT?! -I'M GAY,

AND I'VE BEEN GAY ALL ALONG.

[ MANIACAL LAUGHTER, MUSIC SWELLS ]

IT GOT SUPER-VILLAIN-Y.

-SUPER-VILLAIN-Y? REALLY?

-YEAH, LIKE, MORE SUPER-VILLAIN-Y

THAN I INTENDED. BUT I DON'T GIVE A FUCK.

-YOU LOOK LIKE YOU DON'T GIVE A FUCK.

I'M GONNA BE HONEST WITH YOU RIGHT NOW.

-AM I RIGHT?

-YOU LOOK LIKE A CRAZY CELEBRITY.

SO, HOW'D THEY TAKE IT?

-WE KNOW YOU'RE GAY.

-YOU KNEW?

-WHY DIDN'T YOU COME OUT AT THE RESTAURANT WI--

WITH CORY?

-YOU COULD HAVE COME OUT AS A COUPLE.

-WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME?

-WHY DIDN'T WE TELL YOU YOUR SEXUAL ORIENTATION?

-AND THEN THEY JUST LEFT? -YEAH.

I THINK THEY WERE KIND OF PISSED AT THE METHOD --

DRIVING THEM ALL THE WAY OUT HERE.

WE'LL HAVE A DISCUSSION ABOUT IT LATER, I'M SURE.

HEY, CORY, YOU'RE AN AWESOME FRIEND, MAN.

-OW! -AH, GOD!

-IT HURT.

-AH, SHIT, MAN. -EH.

OH, SHIT, MAN, THE PARTY.

DUDE, IT'S LATE. -IS THAT, LIKE, A FANCY THING?

'CAUSE I DON'T HAVE ANY -- -I'VE GOT YOU COVERED, ALL RIGHT?

EVERYTHING'S AT MY HOUSE.

IT'LL BE SWEET.

GOD, I-I DON'T WANT TO LOOK GAY. -I KNOW.

[ SIGHS ] YOU KNOW WHAT?

I THINK EVERYTHING'S GONNA BE JUST FINE.

♪

-FUCK YOU, HALEY!

-WHOA! -ARE WE GONNA BE ABLE TO HANDLE

THIS WITHOUT IT BLOWING UP IN OUR FACES?

-WHAT, LIKE I'VE NEVER DONE A RED CARPET BEFORE?

-WE ARE RIGHT ON THE EDGE, BRENDAN.

DON'T ACT CUTE.

-SO, HOW DO I LOOK?

-GAY.

-YOU MISSED THE JUNKET THIS MORNING.

YOU GOT ALL THESE RUMORS GOING AROUND.

AND NOW THERE IS THIS INSANE DOCTORED PHOTO OF YOU

IN YOUR UNDERWEAR STANDING ON A CLIFF.

-IT'S NOT DOCTORED. -WHAT?

-I TOOK OFF ALL MY CLOTHES AND STOOD ON A CLIFF.

HEY, THERE. HI.

HOW ARE YOU DOING?

-BRENDAN, HEY, HOW ARE YOU? -GOOD.

-BRENDAN, ARE YOU EXCITED ABOUT THE NEW SEASON?

-ABSOLUTELY. YOU KNOW, IT'S, UH -- YOU KNOW,

I ALREADY KNOW THE TWISTS AND TURNS,

SO I GUESS I'D BE, UH,

MORE PROUD THAN EXCITED.

-ANY COMMENT ABOUT THE GAY RUMORS

CIRCULATING AROUND YOU RECENTLY?

-ONLY THAT THEY'RE 100% TRUE, TIM.

-WHAT? -I'M GAY.

TRY NOT TO PANIC.

WHOO! WHOO-HOO-HOO!

YEAH!

-I WISH THERE WAS ALL THIS SHARING AND STUFF

WHEN I CAME OUT.

WHEN I CAME OUT, IT WAS JUST MY MOM.

SHE GOT ALL SURPRISED AND WEIRD.

I'M -- I'M GONNA PEE.

-YOU OKAY?

-AAH! -OH, GOD!

-SUPER-EMBARRASSED, BUT I FEEL LIKE I HAVE FUCKING...

SUPERPOWERS! WHOO-HOO! WHOO!

-YEAH! -WHOO!

[ DISTANT PING ]

[ FAUCET RUNNING ]

-AAH.

-"AAH," OH, IT'S ME -- HEATHER.

-♪ UH-OH UH-OH J. DASH

♪ UH-OH UH-OH

♪ I MADE A LITTLE BIT OF MONEY

-HEY!

-WHAT'S UP, MAN?

-ALL I'M SAYING IS WE NEVER TALKED.

-WE TALKED. -WE FOUGHT.

YELLING AND SCREAMING AND CALLING EACH OTHER NAMES.

THAT'S NOT US. THAT'S NEVER BEEN US.

LOOK AT ME.

IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT WE THINK.

IT REALLY DOESN'T MATTER EVEN WHAT WE DO,

AS LONG AS WE LOVE EACH OTHER.

ACTIONS AND WORDS DON'T MATTER.

ALL THAT MATTERS ARE EMOTIONS.

I DON'T KNOW WHERE YOU'VE BEEN.

I DON'T KNOW WHO YOU'VE BEEN WITH.

-I'VE BEEN WITH THIS GUY CORY FROM FLORIDA.

I MEAN, WE -- -THAT'S FINE.

-NO.

I'M AN ASSHOLE.

AND I'VE BEEN DOING REALLY, REALLY STUPID THINGS.

I'M SORRY, HEATHER.

I'VE BEEN REALLY UNFAIR TO YOU.

YOU'RE RIGHT.

-DID YOU JUST SAY I'M RIGHT?

I FORGIVE YOU, GABBI.

-WHAT'S WITH ALL THE, UH, LIKE, PIRATE STUFF?

THERE'S ALL THESE, LIKE, SWORDS AROUND EVERYWHERE.

-YOU -- HAVE YOU EVER WATCHED MY SHOW?

-SHOWS. -YO! BRENDAN! REMEMBER ME?

IT'S ME, SKYLER. REMEMBER ME FROM JAY'S BIRTHDAY?

I GOT A LOT OF MONEY COMING UP FROM ECUADOR TO MAKE

SOME REALLY INTERESTING FILMS. HEY, YOU LIKE "SPIDER-MAN"?

I GOT TWO WORDS FOR YOU -- "COW-MAN."

"COW-MAN." -COW?

-HALF MAN, HALF COW.

-YES! -NO.

-HE'S GOT HORNS AND TITS. HORNS AND TITS.

-I'M JUST FRIENDS WITH HIM,

BUT DO YOU HAVE, LIKE, A -- LIKE, A SCRIPT I COULD READ?

-YOU WANT TO WRITE IT? -WHAT?

-WRITE IT. -YES!

-YEAH. -I NEED TO TALK TO YOU

ABOUT SOMETHING.

-OKAY.

-SLIDING IN. EYES OVER HERE.

WE'RE STILL HAVING A CONVERSATION RIGHT NOW.

YEAH, I'M YOUR BEST FRIEND. YOU LIKE THIS JACKET?

PART OF GUCCI. -IS -- IS THAT A THING?

-YEAH, YEAH.

-♪ SAY IT, SAY IT WITH, SAY IT WITH ME ♪

♪ SAY IT, SAY IT WITH, UH-OH

♪ TAKE IT BACK, GIVE IT UP, GIVE IT UP TO ME ♪

♪ 'CAUSE I CAN'T GO ON IF YOUR LOVE ISN'T STRONG ♪

♪ YOU GOT ONE LOVE

-BECAUSE SHE GETS INVITED TO THESE THINGS.

I DON'T KNOW. IT DOESN'T MATTER.

EITHER WAY, IT WOULD BE TOTALLY UNFAIR OF ME

TO JUST WALK OFF WITH YOU IN FRONT OF HER.

-ALL RIGHT. UNFAIR TO HER?

-WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO SAY?

I ALREADY TOLD YOU I LIKE YOU.

YES, I TOLD YOU THAT, CORY.

BUT THIS IS A VERY SPECIFICALLY CONFUSING AND DIFFICULT TIME.

AND I ALREADY TOLD YOU THAT.

AND YOU KNEW THAT GOING INTO IT THINGS ARE VERY MESSY.

SO I DON'T...

I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WANT.

AND I THINK THAT I'M ENTITLED TO THAT.

WE JUST MET AT THE WRONG TIME.

-YEAH.

YES.

YEAH, NO, UM, YOU'RE RIGHT.

YOU'RE TOTALLY RIGHT, OF COURSE.

I KNOW THAT -- THAT THIS WHOLE THING --

ME, HIM, HER --

IT'S ALL JUST A BIG TORNADO.

AND I KNOW THAT YOU'RE GOING THROUGH A LOT RIGHT NOW.

-OKAY. THANKS.

-HEY, UH, JUST, UH, EXCUSE ME FOR A SECOND.

SHE FUCKING DUMPED ME, MAN!

-YOU G-- YOU GUYS WEREN'T EVEN TOGETHER.

-NO! BUT SHE DID IT ANYWAY, MAN!

I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW SHE COULD DO IT UNTIL SHE DID IT.

AND FOR THAT -- THAT EVIL FUCKING ALIEN OSTRICH

EX-GIRLFRIEND OF HER'S, MAN. WHAT THE SHIT?!

-LISTEN TO ME, CORY. PLEASE, LISTEN TO ME, OKAY?

IT DOESN'T MATTER IF SHE LEFT YOU FOR HER EX OR SOMEONE NEW.

'CAUSE SHE DID WHAT SHE FELT SHE NEEDED TO DO TO BE HAPPY.

-NO!

OKAY? NO.

MAN, I DON'T WANT TO BE COMPLICATED!

OKAY...

I'M SICK OF FEELING LIKE I'M TOO SMART

OR SCREWED-UP OR --

OR STUPID OR ANYTHING

TO -- TO JUST GO AFTER WHAT FEELS GOOD, MAN.

FUCK!

"OH, WE JUST MET AT THE WRONG TIME."

DUDE, SHE TOLD ME -- SHE LITERALLY TOLD ME

THAT SHE NEEDED SOMEONE TO STOP HER --

PHYSICALLY STOP HER FROM GOING BACK TO THAT GIRL.

AND NOW I'M JUST -- I'M JUST POWERLESS?

-WAIT. SHE ACTUALLY SAID THAT?

-YES!

WHEN -- WHEN WE WERE ON A BED,

AND IT WAS SO BEAUTIFUL

AND THEN WE FLOATED UP INTO SPACE, DUDE.

WHO DOES THAT?

-IF SHE SAID THAT AND YOU DON'T DO ANYTHING,

YOU'RE FUCKING YOGURT, MAN.

-DON'T YOU SAY THAT. DON'T YOU SAY THAT.

-YOU WILL BE FUCKING YOGURT IF YOU DON'T GO OUT THERE

AND DO SOMETHING.

-MAN, I'M -- I'M...

I WAS JUST... TRYING TO BE AN ADULT ABOUT THIS.

-AN ADULT?! FUCK THAT SHIT!

OKAY, WE'RE IN LOS ANGELES!

-BROTHER. -BROTHER.

-BROTHERS!

-FUCK, YEAH! FUCK, YEAH! THAT'S THE WRONG DOOR!

♪

-HEY. GABBI.

-OW! LET GO. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I THOUGHT YOU UNDERSTOOD. HEATHER IS THE PERSON I'M WITH.

YOU NEED TO UNDERSTAND THAT. -CHRIST!

ARE YOU HEARING YOURSELF?

-SHE'S NOT A BAD PERSON, CORY. OKAY?

I MADE HER OUT TO BE A LOT WORSE THAN SHE IS.

SHE'S JUST DIFFICULT AND COMPLICATED RIGHT NOW.

-NO, NO, NO. BA-BA-BA-BA-BA.

IS THIS WHAT YOU REALLY WANT?

AFTER THIS PERSON CHEATED ON YOU AND --

AND KICKED YOU OUT OF YOUR OWN HOME,

YOU'RE JUST GONNA ACCEPT AN APOLOGY?

I'M NOT TRYING TO GET YOU BACK, GABBI.

I'M JUST TRYING TO BE YOUR FRIEND HERE.

-YOU ARE A USER.

-NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

HEATHER. -I CAN TELL --

-HEATHER, JUST -- JUST -- -I CAN TELL.

GABBI'S LIKE A LEAF IN THE WIND.

YOU MADE HER FEEL...

APPRECIATED,

AND SHE NEEDED THAT.

SO SHE FELL ON YOUR DICK.

BUT YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT IT DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING.

GABBI KNOWS WHAT REAL LOVE FEELS LIKE.

AND SHE WON'T LET THAT GO.

-WHOA. YOU ARE --

I'VE KNOWN YOU FOR LIKE 10 SECONDS,

AND YOU'RE JUST COMPLETELY AWFUL ALREADY.

ARE YOU REALLY GONNA GO BACK TO THIS?

SHE'S CARTOONISHLY EVIL.

-YOU ARE SO HURTFUL.

CAN YOU GO AWAY?

STOP DARKENING OUR LIGHT WITH YOUR...

NEGATIVITY AND HATE.

-WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

-UH...

-GABBI, HONEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

LOOK AT ME.

-I-I HAVE TO GO.

I'M SORRY. I HAVE TO GO, HEATHER.

-HONEY.

LISTEN TO ME.

ARE YOU LISTENING?

-CORY, SHE ACTUALLY HAS KIND OF AN ANGER PROBLEM.

CAN WE JUST LEAVE?

-YOU FUCKING TWIT! -CAN WE JUST LEAVE RIGHT NOW?

CAN WE PLEASE JUST -- CAN WE LEAVE?

-NO FUCKING WAY!

YOU'RE GONNA REJECT ME?!

-OVERREACTION!

-WHOA, WHOA, WHOA,

WHOA.

-LEAVE HER ALONE!

-WHY IS IT ALWAYS LIKE THIS WITH YOU, CORY?!

-MY SHOE!

-COME ON, MAN!

-HOLY SHIT!

I INSTANTLY REGRET EVERYTHING.

I WANT TO GO HOME. I'M SO SORRY.

I'M SO SORRY.

[ SCREAMS ]

-GABBI!

ARE YOU GONNA LET HIM TALK TO ME LIKE THIS?

AFTER ALL WE'VE SHARED!

SOME OF THE TRUEST AND DEEPEST LOVE --

EMOTIONS THAT MOST PEOPLE DON'T EVER FEEL

BUT ONCE IN A LIFETIME!

-HOW CAN YOU BE SO PSYCHOTIC AND COORDINATED AT THE SAME TIME?

-YOU COULD NEVER UNDERSTAND ME.

I AM A VENUS.

I AM A TAPESTRY.

-YOU'RE TRYING TO MURDER SOMEBODY WITH A SWORD RIGHT NOW!

-GET HER, CORY! GET HER!

-WHO'S THAT GIRL'S AGENT?

-YOU HURT PEOPLE.

YOU'RE A DICK.

AND SHE'S OUTGROWN YOU. SO DEAL WITH IT!

I SAID DEAL WITH IT!

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

DON'T SPEAK.

I JUST WANT...

I JUST WANT YOU TO SIT THERE AND ABSORB IT!

JESUS CHRIST! WHAT THE FUCK?!

FUCKING RED BULL CAN?! -FUCKING RIGHT, PRICK.

WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO ABOUT IT?

-WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?

-FUCK YOU, BITCH!

-I'M GONNA FUCKING KILL HER! -NO!

-WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO? ARE YOU GONNA HIT A GIRL?

-NO! -FORGET IT, BRENDAN! LET ME GO!

-NO, CORY! -SHE'S OSAMA BIN LADEN.

I HAVE TO DESTROY HER! -OH, YEAH.

BIG MAN.

BIG FUCKING MAN!

YOU WANT TO HIT A GIRL? FUCKING HIT ME RIGHT HERE!

FUCKING HIT ME RIGHT HERE!

SEE WHO THE FUCKING COPS BELIEVE, YOU FUCKING --

OHH!

YOU FUCKING...

WHITE-TRASH, ABUSIVE FAKE HUSBAND.

-I CANNOT BELIEVE THAT I HATED MYSELF ENOUGH

TO PUT UP WITH YOUR SHIT.

LET'S GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE.

-AAH! AAH!

-OH, MY GOD!

I CAN'T SEE ANYTHING.

IT HURTS SO BAD!

-THIS IS NOT FAIR.

NO ONE'S EVER FAIR TO ME.

I'M THE VICTIM.

PEOPLE ALWAYS HURT ME.

NO ONE EVER REALLY LISTENS OR CARES ABOUT HOW I'M FEELING.

-HEY. HI. DO -- DO YOU NEED ANY --

-FUCK YOU! -GOODNESS GRACIOUS!

-IT'S, LIKE, SPIKE -- SPIKY. -SPIKY?

-NO, SPICY.

-IS THIS HELPING YOU, OR IS THIS MAKING YOU MORE WET?

-I DON'T KNOW!

I DON'T KNOW!

-HEY.

HOW YOU -- HOW YOU DO-- I HEARD YOU GOT MACED?

IN THE -- IN THE FACE REGION.

YEAH, WHAT, WAS THERE SOME SORT OF, LIKE,

EPIC EN GARDE AND WHAT -- AND WHAT HAVE YOU WITH, UH,

THOSE TWO CRAZY PEOPLE. DO YOU KNOW THEIR NAMES?

BUT THAT'S THE GUY.

THAT'S -- I -- AND YOU GUYS ARE...

FRIENDS. I BROUGHT MILK

BECAUSE I HEARD ON THIS EPISODE --

I SURVI-- OKAY, YEAH.

UH. THERE YOU GO.

-OHH.

THAT'S... BETTER.

-IT DOES A -- IT DOES A BODY GOOD, THAT STUFF.

-CALCIUM.

-LISTEN, UH, BRENDAN, ABOUT THE PARADE,

I-I DIDN'T KNOW, YOU KNOW? I-I-I THOUGHT, YOU KNOW,

MAYBE SINCE YOU WERE AT THE BAR, YOU WERE ALREADY COMING OUT,

BUT THEN I SAW WHAT HAPPENED ONLINE,

AND GOOD GOD, I-I FELT EMBARRASSED

AND REALLY, REALLY AWKWARD.

BUT I HEARD YOU CAME OUT ON -- ON -- ON THE CARPET.

-I-- IT'S -- IT'S -- IT'S BECAUSE YOU KISSED ME.

-WHAT? COME ON. REALLY?

-YEAH, I --

IT'S BECAUSE I'M GAY, BUT... -SURE.

-BUT YOU KISSING ME REALLY HELPED.

-WOW. I'M -- I'M GLAD I COULD --

WE COULD -- TOGETHER WE MADE IT HAPPEN.

-YOU KNOW, I...

WANT TO ASK YOU OUT ON A DATE.

-LIKE, RIGHT NOW? -I MEAN, LIKE,

I'M ASKING YOU OUT ON --

ON A DATE, NOW, BUT IT'S...

FUCK IT. -WHAT?

WOW!

THAT WAS --

THAT WAS REALLY -- SPICE.

IT WAS SPICY. -MILKY-SPICE?

-IT'S MILKY-SPICE, YEAH.

'CAUSE WITH BABY SPICE -- MILKY SPICE.

-I LOOK REALLY SCARY NOW.

-SCARY SPICE. -ALL OF THEM.

-NO, NO, YOU DON'T. YOU REALLY DON'T.

THAT WAS VERY, VERY NICE, ACTUALLY.

-YOU WANT TO GET OUT OF HERE? -YEAH.

-YEAH? -COOL. OKAY.

YOU GOOD?

YOU ALL -- AND THAT GIRL IS ALSO HERE?

OKAY. JUST STAY RIGHT THERE.

-AAH!

♪

-♪ HERE, HERE WE ARE

♪ AND ALL WE GOT WE HAD FROM THE START ♪

♪ SO GET UP, GET UP, GET UP AND GO ON

♪ KEEP YOUR HEAD UP, LOVE

♪ KEEP YOUR HEART STRONG

-YOU DON'T HAVE TO LEAVE.

-WHAT?

-WHY GO?

-I HAVE TO, MAN. MY JOB.

IT'S NOT THAT EASY. I-I -- IT'S MY REAL LIFE.

-ARE YOU SCARED?

-I...

COOL, MAN. I'LL SEE YOU SOON, BRENDAN.

-SEE ME SOONER.

"HARD JUSTICE." WEDNESDAYS AT 9:00.

-DO YOU DIE?

-YOU'LL HAVE TO WATCH AND SEE.

-WAIT, COR--

THIS IS OKAY?

-THIS...

IS TOTALLY FINE.

-SO, WHY ARE WE CRYING? WE SHOULDN'T BE CRYING.

-YOU KNOW, THIS IS -- IT'S JUST, LIKE, A CASUAL --

-JUST A CASUAL, STUPID REBOUND, HOOK-UP.

-IT'S -- IT'S NOT -- IT'S NOT LIKE IT'S A BIG DEAL.

-NO, IT'S NOT A BIG DEAL.

-YET WE'RE STILL CRYING.

-I FEEL REALLY FREAKED OUT.

-NO, DON'T. I'M SORRY.

-NO, DON'T BE SORRY. YOU DIDN'T DO ANYTHING.

-I'M SO SORRY. -I'M SORRY.

-FOR WHAT, THOUGH? YOU DIDN'T DO ANYTHING.

I'M -- -JUST SHUT UP.

WE'RE BOTH SORRY ABOUT SOMETHING.

I DON'T KNOW. WE BOTH ARE SORRY.

-ARE YOU HAPPY?

-WHAT?

-THERE. ARE YOU HAPPY THERE?

[ TELEPHONE RINGING ]

[ TELEPHONE RINGING ]

[ DANCE MUSIC PLAYING ]

-GALLIMIMUS.

-WHAT'S A GALLIMIMUS? -IT'S --

I'LL TELL HER -- IT'S THE DINOSAUR

THAT YOU MADE WHEN YOU WERE LIKE 13 YEARS OLD AND YOU

JUST READ ONE BOOK, LIKE, FOR REFERENCE.

-DINOSAURS. -DINOSAURS.

-YEAH! -NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

-OH, THIS ISN'T FOR ME. OH, THANK YOU, BRENDAN.

I'LL GO GET MY OWN. DO YOU WANT ANYTHING?

-I WANT A RUM AND COKE WITH JAGER IN IT.

-OKAY.

EXCUSE ME?

EXCUSE ME. EXCUSE --

EXCUSE ME?

-♪ I BETTER LOOK BACK CAREFULLY ♪

♪ 'CAUSE THIS IS TROUBLE, YEAH, THIS IS TROUBLE ♪

♪ I SAID OOH, OOH

♪ YOU GOT ME IN THE MOOD, MOOD ♪

♪ I'M SCARED BUT IF MY HEART'S GONNA BREAK ♪

♪ BEFORE THE NIGHT WILL END ♪

♪ I SAID OOH, OOH

♪ WE'RE IN DANGER SLEEPIN' WITH A FRIEND ♪

♪ SLEEPIN' WITH A FRIEND

-HEY, GIRL!

-♪ OOH, OOH

♪ YOU GOT ME IN THE MOOD, MOOD ♪

♪ I'M SCARED, BUT IF MY HEART'S GONNA BREAK ♪

♪ BEFORE THE NIGHT WILL END ♪

♪ I SAID OOH --

-NOW THAT THE DUST HAS SETTLED,

WE'VE GOT TO WONDER WHO HE THINKS HE IS.

AN A-LIST PLAYER LIKE EHRLICK COMING OUT JUST REEKS

OF A PUBLICITY GRAB.

-YEAH. I MEAN, DOES ANYONE ACTUALLY CARE

IF BRENDAN EHRLICK IS "GAY"?

-I DON'T.

-♪ ALL MY FRIENDS STAY UP PAST MIDNIGHT ♪

♪ LOOKIN' FOR THE THING TO FILL THE VOID ♪

♪ I DON'T GO OUT MUCH LIKE I USED TO ♪

♪ SOMETHING 'BOUT THE STRANGERS AND THE NOISE ♪

♪ AND WHY LEAVE WHEN I GOT YOU, BABY? ♪

♪ IT'S A RISK BUT, BABE, I NEED THE THRILL ♪

♪ I NEVER SAID YOU'D BE EASY BUT IF IT WAS ALL UP TO ME ♪

♪ I'D BE NO TROUBLE

♪ HEY, WE'RE IN TROUBLE

♪ I SAID OOH, OOH

♪ YOU GOT ME IN THE MOOD, MOOD ♪

♪ I'M SCARED, BUT IF MY HEART'S GONNA BREAK ♪

♪ BEFORE THE NIGHT WILL END ♪

♪ I SAID, OOH, OOH

♪ WE'RE IN DANGER

♪ SLEEPIN' WITH A FRIEND

♪ SLEEPIN' WITH A FRIEND

♪ WE ARE BOTH YOUNG, HOT-BLOODED PEOPLE ♪

♪ WE DON'T WANNA DIE ALONE

[ BEEPING ]

-TIME TO GET SERIOUS.

-G'DAY, I'M LUKE BRACEY.

-I'M EMILY MEADE. -I'M DUSTIN MILLIGAN.

-I'M -- [BLEEP].

-NOW, I KNOW SWORD-FIGHTING SEEMS COOL

WHEN YOUR OLDER BROTHER OR SISTER DOES IT,

BUT IT'S NOT JUST FUN.

-YOU CAN DIE, OR GET YOUR TITS CHOPPED OFF.

-WHETHER IT'S WITH RAPIERS OR BROADSWORDS

OR JUST SHANKS THAT YOU MADE OUT OF YOUR OWN HAIR...

-SWORD-FIGHTING CAUSES MORE PROBLEMS THAN IT SOLVES,

ALWAYS. -ALWAYS.

-ALWAYS. -ALWAYS.

-SO IF YOU OR A FRIEND IS CHALLENGED TO A DUEL, STOP.

-THINK. -AND CONTACT THE PALACE GUARDS.

-OR A WIZARD.

-IN AUSTRALIA, WHERE I'M FROM,

IF SOMEONE FUCKS WITH YOU,

YOU JUST TIE THEM TO A HORSE AND SEND THAT HORSE OFF A CLIFF.

-BUT WHAT HAPPENS TO THE HORSE? -THE HORSE FUCKING DIES.

-STOP BEFORE YOU START. -WORDS.

-WORDS. -WORDS.

-WORDS, NOT S...WORDS.

-DON'T TOUCH MY HAIR AGAIN!

I'M JUST JOKING.

PEOPLE ARE REALLY GONNA THING I'M, LIKE, THIS DIVA.

-NO, THEY'RE NOT.

♪

-SHIT! SHIT! OH, SHIT!

-OH, NO!

-SHIT! -THAT WAS UNEXPECTED!

-SHIT! -De NIRO.

♪

-GO. BE FREE.

-AAH!

[ BIRDS CALLING ]

[ BOING! ]

[ MUSIC SWELLS ]