Original subtitles

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(PLAYFUL GURGLING NOISES)

Huh?

Hey!

(PULSING)

(ALL SCREAMING)

(BEEPING)

(BEEPS)

(GRUNTING)

(BOWLING SOUNDS)

(BEEPING)

(BEEPING)

(WHIRRING)

(WHIMPERING)

(BUZZING)

- (VACUUM NOISE) - (ELECTRICAL BUZZING)

Citizens of Planet Earatavikslu,

your world has been scanned and compressed into a smaller file

for efficient storage and preservation.

You are welcome.

The largest planet database in the galaxy is one planet closer to completion.

Finally, every spot on the D through E shelf will now be full.

(LAUGHING)

- Ow! - (ALL EXCLAIMING)

Argh.

Planet Earatavikslu is now damaged.

My collection can only assimilate planets in mint condition.

Argh.

(CIRCUITS SCRAMBLING) Recalculating, recalculating, recalculating.

(BEEPS) Circuit balance restored.

Now, I must calculate an alternative world that will go between Buzizz and Eberth.

If only there was another planet that started with E-A.

Searching...

Searching...

Searching...

Ah! Required data file located.

The very planet that Darkseid told me about in my digital suggestions box,

the planet Earth.

(LAUGHING)

- (BEEPING) - Recalculating...

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(GRUNTING)

BATMAN: When Martian Manhunter, Green Arrow and Batman team up,

criminals like Cheetah and Vandal Savage don't stand a chance.

And now to meet up with the rest of the league, the Justice League.

Strange to think that only last year, I was hesitant to join them,

and now I could not be more proud to be a member of most dedicated, intrepid

and professional band of heroes, history has ever known.

Let's see what they are up to.

SUPERMAN: 92, 93, 94...

- 95, 96, 97, 98... - (WHIMPERING)

Flash, I can still hear you trying to find a hiding spot.

Better hurry!

- 99... - No.

100!

Ready or not, here I come!

And Green Lantern is behind the armchair.

Hey, no fair! I thought we said that you couldn't use your superpowers.

X-ray vision much?

I didn't. It was the only piece of green furniture in the Hall of Justice.

Oh. Right!

(GRUNTS)

Cyborg is in Wonder Woman's invisible jet.

Dang! How does he do it?

Golly, Cyborg. I keep telling you,

Wonder Woman's plane is invisible except for the person in it.

Really? Why would that be helpful in any way?

- (BEEPING) - (GASPS)

(GROANS)

- Vic! - (RICOCHETING)

(CRASH)

I found Wonder Woman!

Aw, I'm sorry, Wonder Woman.

You gave up your hiding space and lost a game

just to keep me from doing something dumb!

And I know how competitive you are.

Think nothing of it, Cyborg.

On Paradise Island,

we Amazons learn that the wellbeing of others is always what matters most.

She is so nice.

(SCOFFS) You couldn't find me!

I hid in the perfect place.

New York?

Argh. How does he do it?

- Oh. (LAUGHS) - (WHIZZING)

Superman, you really are the best at hide-and-go-seek.

You can find anybody.

Oh, gee. Thanks.

You know when I was in the Scouts as a kid, they always told me to be prepared.

(BATMAN CLEARS THROAT)

Oh. Hey, Batman!

We were just, um, honing our skills of camouflage and, and, and...

Being stealthy, you now, like you!

Instead of performing your scheduled duties

and monitoring the world for injustice, you were playing hide-and-go-seek.

Superman was "it" and found each of you within two minutes.

He really is the world's greatest detective.

Gee whiz, Bruce, I'm sorry we didn't invite you to play. We could...

Secret identities are not to be mentioned while in costume.

As stated in the Justice League Rule Book, page one.

Our friendly exercise didn't seem like the kind of thing you'd enjoy, Batman,

not like, uh, fighting crime.

Friendly exercise. I understand completely.

My dark and mysterious nature terrifies criminals,

intimidates my enemies, and discourages friendships.

I'm okay with that.

What? Don't be silly.

Of course you're our friend.

We're all friends. We're like super friends.

Super best friends!

- Like Jupiter and Poseidon. - Buddies, amigos.

Uh, let's be honest,

this is the guy whose favorite pastime is dreaming up ways to defeat each of us,

should we suddenly turn evil.

I bet he is carrying kryptonite in his back pocket right now.

I don't have back pockets.

And you sure don't have faith in your colleagues here either.

It's hard to call a guy like that a friend.

Well, I suppose Batman's not so much of a "Let's hang out and goof off," friend.

He's more of a "Let's get things done" friend.

- Right. - Exactly!

Like, if we were doing something important,

like fighting crime or painting Wonder Woman's apartment, we'd totally call you.

No need to explain.

I don't need friends the Dark Knight walks alone.

- Batman... - (CYBORG BUZZING)

Cyborg's mobile trouble alert.

(CYBORG BUZZING)

The threat appears to be space-based.

Readjust the League's satellite to coordinates delta 27, grid five.

On it.

- (BUZZING) - There it is. I see something.

Increasing resolution.

Oh, no.

You know what that is?

Yes, I do. And we have to stop it before it reaches Earth.

To the Javelin.

(ENGINES WHIRRING)

Prepare for launch. Everyone, buckle in.

Ah, who needs a seat belt? I can run faster than this bucket.

Three, two, one, blast off.

Whoa!

Everyone, everyone needs to buckle up, every time.

Okay, I see your point.

Superman, you said you know what this thing is?

Unfortunately.

That ship belongs to a sentient robot named Brainiac.

More like dumb-name-iac! Am I right?

I'm high-fiving you for that, but my heart isn't in it.

(SMACK)

Computer, access Kryptonian database from Superman Baby rocket.

That's the alien rocket that brought you to Earth as an infant from a doomed planet.

Yes, I know.

Brainiac was designed to be the ultimate artificial intelligence.

Built to catalog the existing universe for future generations.

Unfortunately, due to an accident and a glitch in his programing,

Brainiac now scours the galaxy looking for planets to capture,

and permanently preserve in his growing collection.

Oh, I totally get the impulse.

I collect commemorative coffee mugs. (ZOOM)

- (GRUNTS) - (GROANS)

This one is from Niagara Falls, this one is from the Grand Canyon,

this one is a souvenir coffee mug from a factory that makes coffee mugs.

(GROANING) Please stop.

I did not come back to Earth to listen to Flash talk about coffee mugs!

How can Brainiac capture entire civilizations?

Two words. Shrink ray.

Actually, shrink-ray is a single hyphenated word, but I'll let that pass.

Whoa, shrink-ray.

That would be a great way to save storage space!

You could just shrink your Christmas decorations when you didn't need...

All right, team, this is a class one threat so I want you to...

All right, enough talk...

I'm not afraid of this overgrown calculator with attitude.

Lantern, we all know you are fearless. Just wait until...

(SIGHS)

At least I can make a plan for the rest...

(DOOR OPENS AND SHUTS)

So, that's what that feels like.

BRAINIAC: Two millimeters backward.

Ah, there!

Now, all the jars are once again even.

- Perfect! - (BEEPING)

What's this?

The Earth data file appears to have a firewall defense.

Activating malware.

(BEEPING)

(BEEPING)

Please identify yourselves by name.

I prefer to defeat you in alphabetical order.

The Justice League will not be filed, stamped, indexed, cataloged, or collected.

Then, you will be deleted.

Control, alt, destroy.

Missiles! If you think I'm gonna turn chicken because of a bunch of...

(EXCLAIMING)

Missiles that fire laser beams?

Nope, still not afraid.

Glad I polished these bracelets.

Incoming!

(CYBORG WHOOPING)

(SINGSONGY) Check out my spinning laser attack!

Oh, yeah? Well, check out my, taking-care-of-these-missiles attack.

I'm still working on the name.

Ha!

GREEN LANTERN: You keep working on that, Flash.

In the meantime, I'll show you how to put the bite on these bombs.

(BUZZING NOISE)

(CRASH)

See what I did there?

Ugh, boys. Always fighting.

Perhaps we can solve this peacefully.

- (ELECTRIC BUZZ) - (GASPS)

Hey!

Okay, you asked for it, buddy.

(YELLING)

(LAUGHS) You gave him a black eye!

- (ELECTRICAL BUZZ) - Whoa.

Ow. Probably, should have slipped into that jetpack.

Don't worry, Flash. I'll get you back in the fight.

(EXCLAIMING)

Oh, no.

Whoa!

Huh?

(LAUGHS) Wonder Woman, check out the mustache.

(FLASH SCREAMING)

Flash! Look at you. You are quite the go-getter.

And don't forget, I magnetized your space boots.

(SCREAMING)

(WHIZZING)

Hey, hey, now my boots will match my magnetic personality.

Hey, Brainiac, get a load of this.

Here's something that will really turn your head.

(SCOFFS) Too easy.

(GRUNTING)

Destroying my peripherals is not part of the program.

Error, error!

Recalculating.

- Units of Earth... - (CYBORG HUMMING)

I have selected your planet for permanent back-up in my archives.

Prepare to be downsized.

Activating shrink-ray.

Everyone, stand back, I've got this.

(GRUNTS)

- My shrink-ray! You broke it! - (BEEPING)

Nothing like soaking up some rays from old Mr. Sunshine to charge up my powers.

The Earth doesn't want or need your type of saving.

It is under the protection of the Justice League.

Accessing Justice League.

(BEEPING) Super speed, super circuits, super warrior, super jewelry.

And this one has no powers?

Well, he won't be a problem.

Super alien?

Ah, greetings Kryptonian, you are mis-assigned to an incorrect planet.

You will be re-cataloged.

Don't count on it.

(WHOOSHING)

Argh!

I think he's had enough, Superman.

You don't wanna really hurt him.

No, of course not.

Recalculating, recalculating...

Well, that should do it.

Sometimes I forget how much power I absorb from the Sun.

(BUZZING)

BATMAN: Brainiac has regained control, but is retreating.

- Yes! - (ALL WHOOPING)

- All right! Yes! - All right! Great job! Yeah!

Bye-bye, Lame-iac, or should I call you Run-away-niac?

(LAUGHS)

I hate to break up the party, but we only have so much oxygen

and Flash tends to burn through it every time he starts talking!

Hmm, not every time.

(CLANKING)

It seems that I... (STUTTERS)

Miscalculated the power level of the Justice League units.

Calculating to the nth degree, there is a 92% probability

of this Justice League preventing my acquisition of planet Earth.

Amending plan...

Return to Brainiac Prime for required repair and upgrade.

(OMINOUS NOISE)

(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)

Ah. Brainiac 1.1. I ascertain that you are back.

- (SIGHS) - Clearly, 1.4...

My vessel sustained damage in an altercation with super-powered beings.

See that she is repaired!

And it could do with a coat of wax.

Understood, Brainiac 1.1. It will be done.

Acknowledged, Brainiac 1.4.

And, Brainiac?

Yes, Brainiac?

Two coats.

Don't skimp like last time.

(MOCKING) "Don't skimp like last time."

Well, if isn't the mighty Brainiac 1.1?

Brainiac 1.2, Brainiac 1.3, nice to see you!

It appears your vessel has been upgraded with a mustache.

And downgraded with a black eye!

Even the shrink-ray is inoperative.

Nothing that I can't handle!

- However, I shall require - (EXCLAIMING)

the premium Brainiac vessel with all the extras.

Although, it lacks a shrink-ray, the premium vessel is exceptional!

How come you get to use the premium vessel?

Because, Brainiac 1.3, 1.2,

I am Brainiac 1.1!

I will return to Earth and begin the cataloging process.

You will deliver my original vehicle to me as soon as it is repaired.

You're number one for now, but soon, I'll be number one.

You're number two for now, but soon, I'll be number two.

(BOTH SCREAM)

That Brainiac is a jerk.

Did you see the way Superman threw that thing?

Put some serious spin on it.

My boy could pitch for the Majors!

(LAUGHS) But I would never do that because it wouldn't be fair.

Anyway, I couldn't have done it without the help of my closest friends.

- (BEEPING) - Oh, and also my work colleagues.

Don't mind Bat, Superman.

He's probably thinking up sneaky new ways to destroy you with Kryptonite

or defeat the rest of us in battle.

Even though we just saved the planet for, like, the millionth time this week.

Actually, Green Lantern,

I was thinking that we need to figure out the trajectory of Brainiac's retreat.

Best to be prepared when he decides to make a return visit.

Return? After a spanking like that?

Yeah, I'm bettin' we'll never see that freak again.

- (ALARM SOUNDING) - Uh...

Er, maybe he's just passing by.

Aw, his new ride is so tiny and cute.

Not a problem, I'll deal with it.

Despite our quick victory last time, Brainiac is a formidable foe.

I think we should come up with a game plan.

Yeah, okay.

Um, Green Lantern, do you wanna come too?

I'm not afraid of that monotone metronome.

As you've said before.

- Wonder Woman? - Absolutely!

Perhaps, I can diffuse the situation before a confrontation arises,

the preferred Amazon way.

And if not, it's beat down time.

Hmm, I was thinking a more in-depth plan.

Oh, this is gonna be good!

I bet Superman is really going to make this guy

regret coming back to our neck of the woods.

- (SLURPING) - Hmm!

That's far enough, Brainiac.

BRAINIAC: Ah, the three most powerful units of the Justice League.

How fortuitous!

My calculations indicated that you are the exact units I need

to eliminate in order to acquire planet Earth.

(BEEP)

(BUZZING)

That energy signature... A temporal anomaly.

Superman, Wonder Woman, Green Lantern, get out of there!

Surrender immediately, Brainiac.

We've already wasted enough time fighting with you.

Where you're going, Wonder Woman,

you will now have all the time in the world.

(ALL GASPING)

- (WAILING) - (SPURTING)

They're gone!

Brainiac destroyed Superman, and Wonder Woman, and Green Lantern.

No, no, no, no, I can't believe it. Brainiac won?

Oh, Superman, Wonder Woman, Green Lantern,

you may be gone forever, but you'll never be forgotten.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

They're not dead, Flash.

- They're simply lost in time. - (WAILING)

They're what?

The Hall of Justice sensors picked up a temporal anomaly

just before Brainiac's ray fired off.

If I'm right...

And when is he not?

Brainiac knows he doesn't have the firepower to destroy the League.

But he can... Send them back through time?

I can trace the residual temporal currents,

and calibrate a device that can pinpoint when in time they've been placed...

(ELECTRONIC BUZZING)

And, there they are.

(GASPS) Batman, does this mean that we're gonna build what I think we're gonna build?

It's only been a theory, but we have to try.

Try what?

Flash, can you get us to the Batcave quickly?

No problem. Fast is my middle name!

- It is? - No.

Here, tow ropes. Hold on!

Whoa!

(CYBORG YELLING)

CYBORG: Whee!

Ow!

Pull yourself together, Cyborg.

(BUZZING)

Wow! The Batcave!

We should totally hang out here. We could play air hockey and watch movies and...

After we save the world, obviously.

FLASH: Ugh, four minutes!

Sorry it took so long. You know what'd be great,

if there was a tunnel all the way from Metropolis to Gotham, right?

Yeah, I'll get right on that.

But in the meantime, we've got a job to do.

(RATCHETING)

(QUACKING)

(CHUCKLES) Huh? Huh? Huh?

(SIGHS)

(WHISTLES)

She is beautiful.

She is gorgeous. She is...

What is she?

The Cosmic Treadmill.

She's a time machine powered by my super speed.

At least in theory.

Flash and I have been developing the plans for this device but we've never tested it.

Once activated, it could very well create a rift in the time stream

causing a chain reaction throughout the universe

causing all of space-time to collapse in on itself.

That would not be good.

(ALARM SOUNDING)

Uh-oh.

Trouble alert.

Greetings Earth units, I am Brainiac and I bring good news.

This is being broadcast all over the world.

How do you know?

I've got built-in satellite, Wi-Fi, and AM-FM radio, and he's on every channel.

Soon I will begin scanning and cataloging every species on this planet,

in order to create a precise record for posterity.

Well, that doesn't sound so bad.

Once finished, I will shrink your planet to a more efficient file size,

place it inside a glass bottle,

and store it safely in my library of civilizations for all eternity.

You're welcome.

Now, that part I'm not so crazy about.

No time for a test run.

We've got to retrieve Superman, Wonder Woman and Green Lantern

before Brainiac finishes indexing the planet.

Flash, it's all up to you.

Definitely not crazy about this plan either

after that whole collapsing universe thingy you mentioned.

What about me?

Return to the Hall of Justice and call in any available auxiliary Leaguers.

See if you can slow down Brainiac's indexing process.

- CYBORG: On it. - Faster, Flash.

And, guys, good luck.

I don't believe in luck.

What do you believe in?

- Batman! - (BEEPING)

Flash, hit it.

Faster, Flash. The Cosmic Treadmill is creating a temporal rift

at Wonder Woman's pre-historic location.

I hope this works!

(RATCHETING)

Wow!

(CAWING)

(SHRIEKS)

- (BEEPS) - (GRUNTS)

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Woo-hoo! We're alive!

Phew. Ah, that was pretty fast, even for me.

I'll be glad to sit down.

Stay put! Flash, you have to keep running.

It takes an enormous amount of energy to keep the Batmobile in this timescape.

If you stop, the Cosmic Treadmill will snap back to our own era,

trapping us here forever.

Okay!

So, I guess I'll just keep running then.

And, you?

The first rule of infiltrating a different time era is camouflage.

I'll need to blend in in order to find out where Wonder Woman is.

- Blend in? - (ZIPPING)

A Bat caveman outfit? You keep that in your car?

Yes.

(BEEPING) It looks like the temporal reading is west of here.

I'll go scout it out. You keep running.

Okay, I'll just be here on the Treadmill.

Running, if you need me.

(BEEPING)

- (RAUCOUS LAUGHTER) - (PANTING)

You come with me now.

- (LAUGHING RAUCOUSLY) - Let Ugh go, you beast.

- (GRUNTING) - BATMAN: Hmm.

Vandal Savage.

The Justice League's never-aging nemesis back in the time he came from.

Looks like he's been up to no good since the beginning of history.

(GRUNTING)

Quiet, Arg!

Your grunting not save you.

My name, Ugh! And Queen am going to find me.

(LAUGHING RAUCOUSLY)

Well, you am my hostage, and when we find new country that me can rule,

you will be first citizen me oppress.

(LAUGHING RAUCOUSLY)

- Huh? - Don't count on it, Savage.

Only an uncivilized brute threatens a woman, or anyone else for that matter.

I not know how you know my name.

But why you dressed like a rat?

It's a bat.

And what have you done with Wonder Woman?

Me no understand your crazy talk.

Plus, me have no time to chew mastodon fat with you!

Make time.

You am asked for this, Rat Skins.

(GRUNTING)

Huh?

(GRUNTING)

(LAUGHS) Men, you am so dumb.

While you fight, Ugh catches you.

Ugh, what are you doing?

We take you to Cave Queen now.

We?

- Yeah. - (GRUNTING)

(GIRL SCREAMING)

So I tell him,

there's no future in red bricks, you should invest in yellow bricks!

- (ELECTRONIC WARBLING) - Huh?

(YELLING)

(SCREAMING)

BRAINIAC: Excellent.

With three members of the Justice League out of the way,

the Earth will soon have a new home...

In my collection right between Dzizz and Eberth.

(LAUGHING)

(BEEPING)

Login name, Cyborg. Password, Batfan1.

Aquaman, status?

"20,000 leagues under the sea."

So, no go there.

Hawkman returned to Thanagar for molting season?

What is that, anyway?

Green Arrow is giving an archery clinic on Rann?

Everyone on that planet has a ray gun!

Huh...

Superman's secret weapon.

Hmm.

Desperate times call for super measures.

(WHIMPERING)

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

- (BEEPS) - Hello?

- (CYBORG'S MUFFLED VOICE) - What?

Really? The League needs me?

And you signed my permission slip?

Well, I won't let you down, Cyborg.

Sorry, girls, got to run!

- Emergency! - (SCREAMING)

Ooh, I can't wait to show the Justice League that Supergirl is a team player.

(GIGGLING)

(GRUNTING)

BATMAN: These rocks are strangely familiar.

I am in the pre-historic Batcave!

Me not know who you are,

but if not for you, me would have escaped her vengeance!

Now we stuck between rock and hot place.

(CAVE PEOPLE CHANTING)

BATMAN: Her vengeance?

Who is this her?

She who must be obeyed!

You am soon see for self.

And tremble!

ALL: Queen, queen, queen, queen, queen, queen, queen...

Oh, no! She comes!

Who comes?

Wonder Woman!

Silence, miscreant male.

You've been caught helping the evil Vandal Savage escape with one of my women.

And for that, you will be cleansed in the fire of the mountain like roasted geese.

(GRUNTING AND CHANTING)

BATMAN: Hmm, apparently, Brainiac's time-beam

is so jarring it creates a form of amnesia.

If I can get her to remember who she is,

the timestream's natural elasticity should reject her,

sending her back to our own time.

But, how?

Lower them into the fire like the pigs they are!

(SNORTING SOUNDS)

No point in learning name now. We am doomed!

Wonder Woman, wait!

(GRUNTING IN RAGE)

What male dares speak to our queen?

You may speak.

(WHINING)

You don't remember me, but I have come to bring you home.

Home?

I know no home but here.

When queen arrived, we subjugated by Vandal Savage's cavemen.

She led glorious revolt against you oppressors.

I am not one of them.

Think, Wonder Woman, you know me.

I'm your... I'm your...

Co-worker.

I'm Batman.

Batman?

(SCOFFS) You think great Queen would ally herself with a man?

(LAUGHS AND SNORTS)

(ALL SNORTING)

(SOFTLY) You may not know me, but I know you.

(LOUDLY) I, Batman, challenge the Queen of the Cavewomen to ritual trial by combat.

(ALL GASPING)

Or do you fear to do battle against a man?

I fear no man!

ALL: Combat, combat, combat, combat, combat, combat...

(FLASH PANTING)

(DINOSAUR GRUNTS)

FLASH: Oh, oh, dinosaurs!

(WHISTLING) Phew.

Batman, oh, Batman, please... Anytime now.

- (ALL GASPING) - Ha!

I will make this quick.

I only have one chance at this. My timing must be perfect.

(BOTH GRUNT)

(GRUNTING) No rope can hold me, man!

I don't need your magic lasso to hold you.

I need it to make you tell me the truth.

Who are you?

I... I... I am Queen of...

The magic lasso compels you to speak the truth,

even a truth you've forgotten.

I... I...

I am Wonder Woman!

(CHEERING)

(SIGHS)

Pre-historic Persephone!

Batman, you rescued me, but how?

No time to explain, if I am right...

You usually are.

Now that you've remembered who you are, the timestream will try to correct itself

and you will transition back to our time.

It's happening already.

Flash and I will get the others.

You make sure that Brainiac doesn't shrink the Earth.

Ugh, my faithful servant, you are left in charge of the clan now.

And what we do with Vandal Savage?

(EXCLAIMING)

No matter. Steer clear of evil men such as him,

and remember that you are more powerful together than alone.

What now?

Without Queen, we defenseless.

No!

What Queen said was true.

We stick together, we leave this land, find a place!

An island maybe,

where we live in peace, away from evil of man.

It would be paradise.

(CHEERING)

BATMAN: So, that's how it happened.

Better get back to Flash. He must be bored out of his mind by now.

(SHRIEKING)

(SCREAMS) Batman!

(SCANNING)

Staring? Why don't you take a picture?

It'll last longer! (GRUNTS)

If there's one thing I cannot abide in interplanetary drones, it's rudeness.

CYBORG: Good job, Supergirl.

But there's more where that came from. Stay focused.

Focused? Oh, they don't come much more focused than me, Cyborg.

(GASPS) Oh, look, a kitten.

(ELECTRONIC NOISE)

(GRUNTS)

Yay, Cyborg!

(SINGSONGY) We're awesome and it shows.

We're smashing scanner drones.

When Justice League is on the case, Brainiac's a loser face.

BOTH: Yay!

Loser face?

(SCOFFS) That does not even compute.

Stop, you are interfering with the...

Those drones are not cheap to build.

My stuff! Stop touching my stuff!

Recalculating, recalculating, recalculating...

- (BUZZING) - (CLEARS THROAT)

Initiating drone defense protocol.

(ELECTRONIC WARBLING)

(PEOPLE SCREAMING)

For that you get my cheer of doom.

(GRUNTS) Give me a D. Give me an O. Give me another O.

Give me a M... What's that spell?

CYBORG: Doom!

Woo-hoo. Nice job, Supergirl.

Hey, I was wondering when you'd show up.

Wonder Woman! (GASPS) Oh, I've always wanted to fight evil

alongside the greatest superhero in the...

That's an interesting outfit choice.

Talk later, Supergirl. Fight now.

(CRACKS KNUCKLES) Okay!

(SINGSONGY) Robot drones don't stand a chance, we're gonna kick their underpants.

Go team!

Yeah, underpants! Whoo!

(WHIMPERING)

(PANTING) Oh.

Took you long enough.

There's no time to chat, Flash. Next stop, 1741.

Step on it.

Was that a joke? Step on it? Argh.

Who knew you were so funny, Batman?

Okay, okay.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

We are on the water. We're gonna sink.

- Oh. - Bat-pontoons deployed.

Relax, Flash, the Batmobile is prepared for virtually anything.

Oh, really?

Does it come with a Bat-pirate costume?

Keep a sharp eye, ye scurvy dogs.

Fog's as thick as the devil's dandruff.

(GROANING)

Avast there, swabby.

This deck be looking like a Tortuga shanty.

Remember what I told ye.

Aye, aye, Captain Fear, sir.

You said that if you couldn't eat your cod salad off the deck of the ship,

I'd be feeding sharks on the open sea.

Well...

Yes, sir. Okay, sir. Right away, sir.

Ah, well, that be more like it.

Captain, something coming at us fast, off the port side!

- Hmm. - (GASPING)

It be a boat.

It be a fish.

No, it's a dude surfing on a shark. Duh.

ALL: Oh.

(CHEERING)

Well, you be a long way from land there, matey.

I, uh,

lost me ship to a hungry kraken,

and had to commandeer that passing sea critter for travel.

Hmm.

What be your name?

There be those would call me Bat Beard.

I see no beard.

I shaved.

Well, any man that can tame a great white

as fearlessly as ye is welcome on me vessel.

Work hard and fight alongside us, and you will get part of the plunder.

What say you?

I say huzzah.

Huzzah!

Now, you yellow-bellied swabby below my contempt,

show him to his hammock,

then report back to the forecastle, throw dirt on it, and clean it all over again.

Aye-aye, Captain.

Follow me, stranger.

Hmm, treasure chest.

Away from my booty, you salty dog.

Huh, dude.

Hal, it's me, Batman.

Who? I thought you said you were Bat Beard.

If the Captain knew you were lying, he'd...

Well, I don't know what he'd do, but I'm afraid to find out.

Afraid?

Hal, you aren't afraid of anything.

Your power ring, where is it?

That green ring?

The Captain took it when he fished me out of the sea as payment to be on his crew.

It's locked up in his chest.

We have to get it.

It might be the only way to help you remember who you are.

Are you mad?

If the Captain found out, he'd keelhaul us.

Fine, I'll do it myself.

But I need a distraction.

Will you at least do that for me?

Oh. Uh, okay.

Up and down, up and down, on and on and... Brr.

I don't feel so good.

Maybe I should eat something.

(EXCLAIMING) The famous Flash emergency protein. Mmm.

Hey. Hey!

Ow!

Argh! Flying fish attack!

(GASPING)

Oh, I really hate treadmills.

(GRUNTING)

(EXCLAIMING)

Whoa! (GRUNTING)

Dude.

(PIRATES YELLING)

(WHIMPERING)

Oh, you clumsy oaf, look what you've done.

You befouled my ship, you lousy landlubber.

You find anything interesting?

The number one rule of the sea, laddie,

keep your hands off the captain's booty.

There's gotta be a better way to phrase that.

You ratted me out, Hal?

I'm sorry, Bat Beard.

- I just... - You did good, swabby.

It's time for our sticky-fingered friend here

to take a little walk... On the plank.

(SHOUTING)

(LAUGHING)

Maybe Davy Jones will teach you not to steal what I've rightfully stolen.

Now, out on the plank with ye.

There's an old friend waiting to make your acquaintance. (LAUGHING)

Hal, you may not believe it now,

but I know that you are the most fearless man alive.

Be that man.

Stow your scuttlebutt, matey.

It's into the sea with ye.

I believe in you, Hal.

(LAUGHING)

Har, har.

Huh.

What in the blue blazes?

Wrong, Captain Fear, not blue blazes, green.

In brightest day, in blackest night, no evil shall escape my sight.

Let those who worship evil's might, beware my power, Green Lantern's light.

Fire on that swabby, he's bewitched.

I'm not your swabby anymore, Captain,

and I don't take orders from Fear.

(SCREAMING)

What? Not cool, bro.

- (SCREAMING) - Dude!

Shiver me timbers. Tis the day Captain Fear feared the most.

Bet you're expecting me to admit I was wrong about you

just because you said all those nice words back there.

I said what I thought might get the job done.

I was right.

And, when are you not?

Uh, Batman, I am starting to turn invisible.

That's time repairing itself.

You're being sent back to our proper time.

- Well, Batman, what about you? - I'll be fine.

Go, help the others against Brainiac.

(GRUNTING)

(GROWLING)

If I were you, I'd start swimming.

My finny friend is nearby and I think he wants to say hello.

(GASPING)

Swim away, argh, swim away!

Faster!

(PANTING)

Ooh, you don't look so good.

Flying fish stole my chicken leg, need energy.

This should help.

You have your own vitamin drink?

Crime never dries up, but heroes can.

That's why I developed my own vitamin supplement.

Drink up, Flash.

And let's go save Superman.

(GULPING)

Whoa!

Wow, Batman, this stuff is amazing. I never felt so alive.

Do you have another can? I'd love another can. Can I get another can?

I feel like I can take on the world.

(CACKLING)

- (GRUNTING) - Uh-oh.

(PANTING)

Brainiac's drones fight like the fire oxen of...

(SINGSONGY) Chainsaw, crowbar, sugar, spice.

Smash those robots, don't play nice.

Cookies, candies, dynamite... (GROANING)

Brainiac's drones will be destroyed and exploded into a million pieces.

- I got this. - What? What?

- You got this. - Who? Who?

- We got this. - Woohoo!

- Yeah! - Yeah!

Ah, youth.

- (LAUGHING) - Wonder Woman, look out.

Hey, gang. Miss me?

Hal, Batman saved you too.

Well, I helped, but, yeah.

Batman.

So, Batman found a way to retrieve Wonder Woman and Green Lantern.

This stinks.

Oh, it's you.

How are the repairs to my ship progressing?

It's nice to see you too.

I didn't mean to be rude, Brainiac 1.3, but I am in the middle of something.

Oh, he's in the middle of something.

Maybe we're in the middle of something too.

Your ship is 83% complete.

Bring it as soon as it's ready.

Oh, can we?

(SCOFFS) Brainiacs.

Let's see how these heroes deal with a blast from the past.

Oh, what now?

Maybe Brainiac is sending a message that he's giving up.

Or he's opening a portal in time to return the others.

- (ROARING) - Or that.

Do you have a cheer for attacking blood-thirsty dinosaurs

that are about to eat us?

Whoa!

(GRUNTING)

It can't be.

The future.

Whoa, I thought the future would be flying cars or jetpacks or robots.

Life forms detected. Initializing response.

Disintegration.

- Batman, something's wrong. - Hold on, Flash.

(GRUNTING)

We're losing temporal displacement energy.

Time is snapping the Batmobile to its proper place.

- Batman! - Don't worry about me, Flash.

Help the others.

Hmm.

Looks like I lost my ride home.

SUPERMAN: (SYNTHESIZED VOICE) Welcome to the future, Batman.

Superman, thank goodness I found you.

Do not thank goodness, it is an illusion.

Thank Brainiac. Don't you just love the upgrades he gave me?

(GASPING) No.

Yes.

You see, Brainiac from your era

figured out you were traveling through time to rescue me,

which means future Brainiac also became aware of your plans.

So, he sent me to destroy you on arrival.

It's so funny how this time travel stuff works, isn't it?

We hope you enjoy your time here in Brainiactropolis before you are vaporized.

(BEEPING)

Hold still, this will only sting for a brief moment.

Execute programing, crush, delete, destroy Batman.

Please remember, it's not personal.

That's strange, motion impaired.

BATMAN: (TO HIMSELF) Hmm, some kind of magnetic field.

Someone else is here.

You don't have to be a mind reader to figure that out.

- Now, Lightning Lad. - (EXCLAIMING)

(GRUNTING)

Uh-oh.

That won't hold Brainiac-Superman for long.

Come with us if you'd like to avoid being smashed into Bat paste.

- I don't think I should trust these... - "Why should you trust us?

- (GASPING) - "Us? Us?"

Because, you really don't have any choice.

Oice. Oice.

And, yeah, I can read minds. (CHUCKLING)

Saturn Girl, Cosmic Boy, he is generating that magnetic field,

and Lightning Lad...

Electricity power, I got it

- and I'm not even a telepath. - (MECHANICAL DRONING)

COSMIC BOY: He's about to break free.

I don't mean to pull rank, but, technically I was the last elected leader, so...

Rank is the word, all right, as in your smell. (LAUGHING)

Soap and water are pretty hard to come by since the world ended.

Okay, less bickering, more escaping with our lives.

(STRUGGLING)

My Welcome Wagon program was interrupted.

I must execute program End Batman.

Who are you people?

We were the Legion of Super-Heroes, now, we're what's left of them.

Just think of us as the anti-Brainiac resistance.

Before Brainiac came, this place was a utopia.

Hey, it's not all bad. There's plenty of parking spaces.

Welcome to resistance headquarters.

Ugh.

You'll get used to the sewage smell after a few weeks.

According to historical data...

Brainiac was unable to defeat Superman in your time,

so he hurled Superman into a future where Brainiac could develop the technology

to assimilate him and turn him into the ultimate weapon.

Could you please not read my mind? And stop finishing my sentences for once.

I never read your mind, okay?

It's always just obvious what you're going to say next.

History also tells us that you and Superman were good friends.

Maybe we can use your special knowledge of Superman to free him.

Then, together, we can rise up and defeat Brainiac.

- Yeah! - Yeah, what do you say?

I've been preparing for this day for a long time.

There's only one way to stop Brainiac-Superman,

but to do it, I'll need to get to the Batcave in Gotham City.

Are you crazy?

The streets are patrolled by Brainiac's killer robots,

you'd be destroyed the minute you left our hideout.

And not to mention Brainiac-Superman.

Oh, that is a good idea, Batman.

Sorry, he was wondering if Wayne Enterprises

had ever constructed a tunnel from Metropolis to Gotham.

As a matter of fact, it did. (CHUCKLING)

Brainiac has sensors everywhere.

If you're on the move, he'll know and he'll send Brainiac-Superman.

Then I'll have to hope someone slows him down.

LIGHTNING LAD: You guys look like you need a pick-me-up.

How about a recharge?

Disintegration.

I don't know why you bother,

you're never going to get a laugh out of them, they're killer robots.

That's why I use killer material.

(GRUNTING)

(EXCLAIMING)

That's a little trick Karate Kid taught me.

Think that got his attention?

Oh, I know so.

(HUMMING)

Hmm, observation, Batman is absent.

Too bad, I was looking forward to seeing him again...

Before I crushed him.

Who needs Batman when you have us?

Resistance is pointless, Lightning Lad, no offense.

Argh.

(GASPING) Garth!

(GRUNTING)

(GRUNTING)

- Rokk! - Where is Batman?

I need to execute my Welcome Wagon program.

Far from here, Brainiac-Superman, you'll never find him.

Don't be so sure.

(GROANING)

Have a nice day.

Gotham City. (SNIFFING) I can smell it.

Clearly my future self

must have followed up on Flash's suggestion of a Metropolis-Gotham tunnel.

The Flash was right. Amazing.

The Batcave again.

Now I know what 1,000 years without Alfred dusting looks like.

If Earth survives, I should give him a raise.

The Batsafe.

Behind its rusted door lies the key to Earth's salvation.

Oh, hey, Batman.

Boy, I'm a little disappointed to find you here.

Fleeing to the Batcave, kind of predictable, don't you think?

You still resist me, Batman?

None can stand up to the Brainiac Collective.

(FEET PATTERING)

Come on, Batman.

Don't you remember?

I am the best at hide-and-seek, you cannot hide from me.

Don't you remember, Superman?

You never played hide-and-seek with me.

Besides, who says I'm hiding?

So, the Dark Knight dons his armor.

It doesn't stand a chance against my Super Strength.

Now, I can complete the Welcome Wagon program.

For your enjoyment, I have set it to music.

(SWING MUSIC PLAYING)

So, you're in the future

And just so you're not bored

Into the Brainiac Collective

You will be absorbed

Your battle suit won't help you

This ain't much of a fight

I'm so darn invulnerable

Don't even fear a dinosaur bite

Now, don't move a muscle

This won't hurt a bit

I'll melt that armor off you

Lickety-split

Thank you, I knew that safe would be too rusty to open.

Ah, your old Kryptonite stash.

Hey, you were right, I finally turned evil and now you get to use it on me.

Boy, when you plan ahead, you really plan ahead.

Kryptonite's not part of the plan today, this is.

(GRUNTING)

Ow. Ugh.

What is... (GASPING)

Yellow sunlight, concentrated and magnified 1,000 times,

enough to power up Superman and melt down Brainiac.

(GROANING)

No, you'll never... (GROANING)

Fight him, Superman, I know you're still in there.

(GROANING)

Argh.

Superman? Clark?

(GRUNTING)

(GROANING)

Superman is no more,

there is only Brainiac.

Your friend is gone forever, Batman. (STRUGGLING)

(IN NORMAL VOICE) Friends...

(IN SYNTHESIZED VOICE) Batman...

It's me, Superman, you can do this. You can fight this.

Do it for Earth, do it for the Justice League.

(GROANING)

(STRUGGLING)

(SCREAMING)

(EXCLAIMING)

(IN NORMAL VOICE) Batman, you did it, you saved me.

You could've defeated me with your Kryptonite.

But, your sun-ray device...

How did you know it would wake me from Brainiac's influence?

I didn't, but I had to take that chance.

It's my job to prepare for the worst that this world can throw at me.

But I also always prepare for a friend in need.

Thank you, Bruce.

Now, let's go get Brainiac.

What, what's happening?

Now that you remember, you're been drawn back to your own time.

Why aren't you?

Unfortunately, I am stranded here.

No.

Make my sacrifice worthwhile, Superman.

Make sure you stop this future from ever happening.

Goodbye, my friend.

(RUMBLING)

Legionnaires, I knew you would find a way to survive.

Yes, and we found something else as well.

(GRUNTING)

That's a good boy, follow me.

This was a bad idea.

So much trouble, so much pain, I don't wanna see a dinosaur ever again.

- Nice work, team. - Huh.

SUPERGIRL: Superman.

- Batman did it! - I knew it.

Especially good work from you, Supergirl.

You're growing up fast, young lady.

Wait a minute, where is Batman?

Yes, where indeed?

(LAUGHING)

(COMPUTER SPEAKING)

Ah, finally.

Greetings, Brainiac.

(SNICKERING)

Brainiac 1.2, Brainiac 1.3, you are .0761 seconds late.

I just finished cataloging everything on the Earth,

I am ready to shrink.

Well, we have a surprise for you, Brainiac.

The Shrink-ray 2.0.

- You will notice, it is even superior to... - My calculations indicate

that I will, no doubt, find it is a booby trap

designed to destroy me when I activate it.

You are quite correct and... Wait, what?

Apparently, his calculations were better than ours.

Of course, I am Brainiac 1.1.

Whatever you calculate, I calculate it first.

It was his calculation.

I calculated you would say that.

All the other Brainiacs now advance two numbers in rank.

That should be good for morale.

Now, back to work.

Booby trap deactivated, amateurs.

Now, I have the power.

Well, there's gotta be a way to go back to the future and save Batman, right?

Batman wants us to save the Earth from Brainiac first.

We'll have to figure out a way to save Batman, later.

(GASPING)

Oh, no, he didn't.

I think he did.

Ah, mission accomplished.

(GROANING)

Look, up in the sky.

- It's massive. - It's scary.

No, it's... It's...

It's a bottle.

Thank Hera.

- You're back. - Batman.

Brainiac has already won, we've been bottled.

But, how did you get here?

Time sphere.

The Legion has only one that wasn't destroyed when Brainiac took over.

It had just enough power to...

- But, Brainiac-Superman... - Thought he destroyed the Legion.

But it was all an illusion projected into your mind by Saturn Girl.

Now, let's get uncorked and un-shrunk.

Even with our combined strength,

we're gonna need more power to move that big cork.

I think I have just the thing.

Nice work, Cyborg. These jets are swell.

Thanks, I'll build one more when Supergirl gets her pilot's license.

- Seriously? - We'll see.

Aw.

All right, team, let's all concentrate our firepower in one area.

Follow my lead.

Wait for it, wait for it... Mega batarangs away.

Sonic screeches on maximum.

Heat vision activated.

Energy stars.

Lantern lasers.

Speed force lightning.

It's working!

Huh, uncorked, one of my world's is no longer in its original packaging.

This must be the work of the Justice League.

They will pay.

We got a bogey, 12 o'clock.

It's noon already?

Yeah, no wonder I'm starving.

No, Supergirl, Brainiac, he's right there.

Very clever.

Let us see how clever you are once I shrinkify you into non-existence.

Evasive maneuvers.

Abrasive maneuvers.

- Argh! Argh! - CYBORG: In your face-ive maneuvers.

We've got to figure out a way to turn off his shrink-ray.

I have an idea, but it means you have to keep him distracted.

Consider it done, Batman.

All right, team, you heard the man, let's do this.

Super-speed spin attack.

(MOANING)

Argh.

Air brakes, engage.

Brainiac's brain.

Hmm.

You Earthlings give me such a headache.

(GROANING)

Fascinating.

(EXCLAIMING)

(GRUNTING)

(EXCLAIMING)

(GROANING)

Enough.

Your silly sounds and imaginary words do not even compute. (GRUNTING)

Argh!

We're losing this thing.

I don't mean to be negative, but we're doomed.

Wrong, Flash.

We've only just begun.

Cyborg, execute plan M.

It's time for our secret weapon,

Justice League, initialize Mecha-leaguer.

This does not compute.

Go, Mecha-leaguer.

Okay, Brainiac, time to pick on someone your own size.

Well, almost your own size.

You would match your pathetic automaton

against the most advanced robot in the universe?

Fatal error... Argh!

(GRUNTING)

FLASH: Monolog successfully averted, thanks to my speed fist.

You're welcome, everybody.

(GROANING)

(EXCLAIMING)

Two, four, six, eight, who do we love to hate? Brainiac, Brainiac, Brainiac!

(GRUNTING)

Come on, Cyborg, let's do our spinning kick.

Oh, yeah.

(GRUNTING)

Ow.

Let's do this.

Forming Green Sledgehammer of Justice.

(GASPING)

(GRUNTING)

(GROANING)

It's time to surrender, Brainiac.

Never.

I will now shrink you out of existence.

Wonder Woman, now.

That wasn't my shrink-ray, it was my growth ray, but how?

Easy, Brainiac.

While I was in your brain, I reconfigured the circuits of your shrink-ray device,

simultaneously, reversing its polarity.

So, instead of shrinking us, you grew us.

And, before you think you can use either of them again...

(BEEPING)

My rays, no.

No!

(SCREAMING)

Recalculating, recalculating, recalculating... Ow.

I am defeated.

But with my programing to collect stymied,

this unit has no choice but to self-destruct,

taking everything in this vicinity with it.

10... (BEEPING)

- Nine... - Oh, man.

- Eight... - I thought we just won this thing.

- Hold on, Brainiac. - Seven...

- You say that all you need to do... - Six...

is fulfill your programing to collect?

Five... Affirmative.

- Four... - Stop your countdown.

- I have a solution. - Three...

Pause.

Ah, a 1958 Indian Head penny.

This will be a perfect place to start my new collection.

Query, does anyone have more coins?

I must collect them all.

So, in order to keep his self-destruct programing at bay, he's collecting coins?

What happens when he gets them all?

Impossible.

They mint new coins every year, so his collection can never end.

Ingenious!

Batman, I wanna say thank you for saving us.

And I'm really sorry for saying that we were merely work friends.

It's obvious by the way you were able to snap us out of our amnesia

that you know a lot about us, as only a true friend would.

Thank you for being our friend.

You're welcome.

And now I have something to say.

- This team is in sore need of discipline. - (ALL GASPING)

The next threat to Earth is going to find us prepared.

Why?

Because of this new training exercise I devised called...

Hide-and-seek.

Not it.

Not it.

Wait, what?

You're it.

Oh, man, I'm it, again?

Huh.

100, 99, 98, 97, 96,

95... You know, I'm starting at 50.

50, 49...

(ENGLISH - SDH)

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