Original subtitles

Bonsoir. And hello there, ladies and gentlemans.

Welcome to The Jacques Culot Show.

I am Jacques Culot.

And today on our show we have a world traveler, adventurer,

explorer, a real travel bug, Lamor Piot.

Or, as he is known in English, Buster "The Body" Crab.

Hello there, Buster. You are Canadian, that you are?

Eh?

Wow, man!

- You are Canadian? - Eh?

♪ Ooh, how I love you

♪ Marijuana, marijuana

Hey, man.

Ow.

Buster, I think you left, some of your friends here.

Buster? I said Buster.

Buster, I think that...

♪ Cruise lower than the bottom of my rims

♪ I cruise down Whittier lookin' for some trim

♪ Hey chica hermosa are you new to the scene?

♪ I got the love machine right here in my jeans

♪ Let me clear off a place for you to sit

Hey... want a ride, man?

Hey, man, come on in. What's happening?

- Hey. Hey, close that door. - Yeah, man.

Hey, man, as soon as that light change we'll go.

Yeah, thanks a lot for stopping.

That's cool, man. Hey, I pick up hippies hitchhiking all the time, man.

- Far out, man. - Hey, hey, you like my car, man?

Oh, yeah, man. I really like the dingle balls, man.

I put it in myself, man.

Hey, man, did you notice the name as you came in here?

- The name, man? - Yeah, the name of the car.

- Oh, no. I didn't notice. - It's La Bamba.

Hey, hey, man.

Hey, come on, man.

Oh, hey, man. Like wow, man.

Hey, man. How far you going?

To the end of the block, man. You know.

Oh, hey, man. Take it easy, man.

You act like you've got some dope on you, man.

Hey, you don't got no dope on you, do you?

Oh, no, man. I never carry that shit, man.

Well, if you don't, man, I do. Here. Light this up.

Oh, far out, man.

It's really good stuff too, man.

Hey, you know, like I was telling you before, man,

I always pick up people you see hitchhiking, you know, man?

Because nowadays, you know, nobody's got a oar, man, or money.

You know, so if you've got something, man, you share it with other guys.

You know? And you, I mean, everybody shares stuff nowadays.

You know what I mean? Like if you don't...

...if you don't...

I said everybody shares stuff, man!

Oh, hey, man, I'll ring it out for you, man.

Shit, man, you've got no class.

Hey, well, let's get stoned, huh? Here you go.

Hey, man. Hate to bug you or anything, man,

but do you want to open up your eyes for a minute, man, you know?

Like you just drove through

a red light, man.

Hey, where are we, man?

Oh, well, don't stop here, man. Now come on.

This is the middle of the intersection.

- Oh, hey. - Oh, wow.

Hey, man. Tell you what, I'll stop twice at the next one. OK?

Hey, listen, man. Do you want me to drive? You know.

No, man. I'm cool. Tell you what, I'll only go five miles an hour, OK?

We won't attract attention that way.

Hey, red. Oh, hey, look at the lights.

Hey, man. Look at that one blinking on and off.

"Don't walk. Don't walk."

Look there's a blue one over there.

Oh, look at that green one!

Hey, man, look at that red one in the mirror there.

Oh, hey, man, the cops are behind us.

No! Don't turn around, man! Just sit there and act natural.

Oh, man.

Hey, they're still behind us, man. Why don't you get rid of that stuff, OK?

I'm getting rid of it, man.

No, man. Not that way. Eat it, man!

Oh, man. I can't eat it. I've got a whole pocketful man.

Hey, man! They're right behind us.

They're getting closer. Oh, shit, man.

Here, eat these too.

Come on man, they're getting closer. Oh, shit man. Here, here, down these.

- Hey, man. I can't eat all these reds. - Hey, come on, man. Get them down.

Just put the wine in the glove compartment.

Please don't get us! Oh, hey, man. Oh, man.

They just turned on the red light, man! Here! Drop this acid!

There goes the siren, man!

Hey, man. Guess what? It was only an ambulance.

Hey, light up another one.

♪ I'm a pretty boy

♪ I enjoy lattes with soy

Hey, man. Two more cars and we're there. Better tell those guys to be quiet.

Hey, you guys! Be quiet, man!

We're almost at the ticket thing.

Hey, man. One more car.

Hey, shut up, you guys! Hey, man! Shut up! Here comes the dude!

Hey, man. Be quiet. Here he comes.

- Hi! - How many tonight?

Oh, how many tickets?

Well, there's just me and him. We're just here together,

and, I mean, like we're not together, you know, like that way...

Like, I mean, we're like, we're gonna meet some girls inside, man.

You know, like pick them up, you know.

So I guess there's just me and him, like...

So one for him and one for me.

Well, that's two. We'll take two tickets.

Ain't that right, man?

What's the hassle, man?

- There's no hassle, man. Just... - Hey, are you giving us a hassle, man?

He ain't giving us no hassle. - There's no only two of us! That's all.

Yeah, that's right. There's only two of us.

- That will be one dollar. Oh, a dollar.

Hey, man. You got fifty cents?

There you go. Thank you, man.

Hey, we did it, man.

Man, we were so slick, man.

Hey, you're really a smooth talker, man.

Man, you've just got to know how to lay it on them dudes, man.

Hey, you're Mr. Cool when you want to be, aren't you?

Old cucumber head, they call me, man.

Hey, come on. Let's get up by the snack bar.

OK.

I don't know, man. Looks pretty fulled up over there, man.

Oh, we'll get one. Come on.

Hey, look. There's one right over there. See it?

Yeah, I see it. OK. Come on. Let's get it.

There. How's that?

Oh, hey. Just a minute, man. There's one right ahead of us.

It's closer. Come on. Let's get that one.

- Where? - Right there, man. Come on. Hurry up!

Oh, OK.

- There. How's that one? - Wow, this is great, man.

- OK. - Wow!

Hey, man! Right beside the snack bar, man!

- What? - There's a place right beside

the snack bar, man. See it?

Fregon!

Well, come on. Let's get it before that other dude gets it, man.

All right. All right. Here we go.

There. How's that?

Oh, wow. Man, you drive just like Steve McQueen.

Yeah.

Hey, this is great, man. Hey, can you see?

No, I think I better back up a little bit, man.

There. How's that for you? Can you see?

Just a minute. No. Back up a little more.

- More? - Yeah.

- How's that? - Just a minute.

Now back up a little more, man.

- More? - Just a little more.

- How's that? - Uh...

Just a minute. I'll put the seat back.

- OK, pull it up, man. - Pull it up?

- Yeah. - OK. How's that?

A little more. - More?

- How's that? - Yeah, just a little more, man.

- More? - Yeah.

Hey, we're almost into the next space, man.

Oh, hold it. Hold it. Right. No. Back up now.

Honestly.

- How's that? - OK. Right there.

- Hold it! Hold it! Stop! Stop! - All right. All right. I'll stop.

OK. That's good.

OK. Here, I'll get the speaker, man.

- Hey, man. Wait a minute. - What?

Hey, man. You hear that?

- Hear what? - That knocking, man. Listen.

Why don't you turn your motor off, man?

It is off, man. Listen.

Oh, it's probably those dudes in the trunk, man!

Oh, man. I forgot about them dudes, man.

Hey, here. Give me the keys, man. I'll get them out.

Hey. Wait a minute, man. We can't let them out here.

Man, we're too close to the snack bar.

Oh, that's right. Hey, well, then pull around to the back row, man.

Yeah, that's what we'll do. Go around to the back.

Hey, you guys! Wait a minute, man!

We're gonna pull around to the back, cause we're right here

next to the snack bar, and they'll see us take you out, OK?

Yeah, hang on, man! We'll get you out of there in a minute.

Hey, looks pretty good here, man.

Hey, back up to the fence, so they don't see you.

OK.

Close enough? - Yeah, that's good, man.

OK. Hey, here's the keys, man. Get them out.

Hey, what key is it, man?

It's the one with that little red thing on top, man.

This one here? Yeah, that one.

OK. Hey, hang on, you guys! I'll get you out right now.

Oh, wow.

What's the matter, man?

Hey, man. You'll never guess what happened.

- You broke the key off in the lock? - How did you know, man?

Hey, did you really, man?

Yeah, man. I must have turned it the wrong way or something,

because it broke right off in the lock, man.

How are we gonna get those guys out of the trunk now, man?

- Have you got a crowbar or something? - Yeah.

Well, give it to me, man. I'll get them out that way.

I'll pry the trunk open.

Man, it's in the trunk, man.

- Well, how are we gonna get it? - Well, I don't know, man. Shit.

Hey, man, why don't you go over to that car

and ask that guy if he has a crowbar or something?

Oh, OK.

Hey.

Hey. Roll down your window, man.

Hey, have you got a crowbar or something we could borrow, man? We locked...

- Mm-mm. - Oh, wow, man.

- I thought you were alone. - Ooh.

Hey, man. I didn't mean to interrupt anything.

On, wow.

Oh, wow, man. Hey, sorry to bother you, man, but...

Hey, we locked some dudes in the trunk, man,

and we can't get the trunk open.

And I was wondering...

...could we borrow a rod?

I mean, a crowbar or something?

To pry it open with, a screwdriver?

Oh.

OK, man. Well, hey, listen, I'm sorry I bugged you, you know.

Go ahead. Continue, man. You know.

Hey, man. Did you get something?

Yeah, but I don't think we'll be able to open up the trunk with it, man.

Hey, man. We've got to get these guys out of the back, man.

Hey, why don't you go to the snack bar and see if they'll lend you something,

- OK, man? - OK, man. I'll be right back.

Yeah, well, hurry up, man.

Those guys have been in that trunk a long time, man.

All right. Hey, hang on, you guys. I'll be right back, man.

Hey, hurry up.

Ooh, I should have gone with him, man. I've got to go to the bathroom.

Well, there's nobody around here.

I'll just go by the back of the car.

Hey, what are you doing up there?

Hey, man. It's raining out here, you guys!

You ought to see it.

It's coming down like cats and dogs, man.

Oh, it's a cloud burst.

Now get us out of here!

Hey, that guy's gonna be back pretty soon, man. Take it easy, you guys.

Boy, that feels good, man. My back teeth were floating.

Might as well watch the rest of the movie, man.

Looks like a good one.

Hope the speaker reaches.

Ooh, excuse me.

What am I saying excuse me for? Ain't nobody here.

Ooh, good thing.

Oh, my eyes are burning.

Golly, them Rosarita refried's, man. I've got to stop eating them.

Ladies and Gentlemen.

That is our show for the evening.

Thank you for coming. Please leave at the exit,

and don't forget the speakers. Thank you.

Hey, open the door, man.

Come on. Open the door. I've got my hands full.

Hey, man, where you been, man?

Open the, never mind. Open the door. I'm dropping it, man.

- OK, man. Here. Take the Coke.

And don't spill it, man. I spilled half of it on the way here.

- Hey, man... - Here's some hot dogs, man.

Did you want mustard?

- What? Yeah... - Because I got mustard on all of them.

- Yeah, that's cool, man. - And here's some popcorn too, man.

- Hey, the popcorn's pretty good. - Hey, man.

Wait a minute, man. What took you so long, man?

I was the last one in line, man.

I was really lucky, cause they were getting ready to close the snack bar.

Hey, well, man, did you get a crowbar?

No, but I got, some Krispy Krunch, and I got a Mocha Delight, man.

No, man. I don't mean a candy bar. I mean something to open the trunk with.

Those guys are in the trunk!

Oh, I knew I forgot something, man.

- Oh, man. - I knew it! Aw, man.

Hey, are you guys OK back there?

Hey! I said are you guys OK back there?

They're giving us the silent treatment, man.

They're probably mad at us, cause we haven't got them out yet.

Yeah, well, we'd better get them out of there, man.

Well, I don't know. Hey, we could stop by my cousin's place.

He works at a gas station. He'd probably know how to get them out.

OK.

Hey, but can we stop at my old lady's place first, man?

- I was supposed to call her. - Yeah, OK.

Hey, we can cruise the Burger Queen on the way over too, man.

Yeah!

Hey, far out, man. I think Angie's working there tonight, man.

Oh, that's far out, man. Yeah, let's go.

♪ I'm an old school Chicano

♪ They call the Barrio Dude

♪ I got my style of threads from 1942

♪ My hat is so wide all the women take cover

♪ They show me their chi chis 'Cause I'm the Latin lover

Ralph! Ralph!

- Hey, Ralph! - Hey, I'm under here, Herbie.

- Hey, what you doing under there? - I'm hiding from my dumb human.

What did you do? Crap on the rug again?

No. He wants to give me another flea bath.

- A flea bath? - Yeah. What a drag!

Every time he picks up something, I've got to get the flea bath.

Come on. Let's get out of here! Come on. Let's make a break for it!

Hey, hold on. Hey, will you wait up?

Come on. Hurry up!

Hey. What you been doing, Ralph?

Ah, nothing much. How you been, Herb?

Oh, not too bad. Wow, I haven't seen you in a long time.

Hey, you're looking pretty good, Herb.

Hey, you're not looking too bad yourself.

Hey, is this a hairdo you got?

No. No. I sat on something over at the store.

Hey, do you want to get it off me, man?

OK. Here. Turn around.

Yeah, OK.

God, what was that, man? That really hurt.

I think it was a Payday.

Wow.

- Hey, Joey's been here. - Yeah, he's been over here, too.

- Hey, he's been here, too! - Yeah, oh, wow. He's been here, too.

Hey, you think he's trying to tell us something?

Yeah, he's trying to tell us that he's got bad kidneys.

Hey, Ralph. Want to go get stoned?

No, I get enough of that from the little kid next door.

No, not that way. I mean let's chase cars and get off on the exhaust.

Oh, no, sir, boy. That stuff can give you brain damage.

Brain damage from car exhaust?

No. Brain damage from getting your head run over by their rear wheels.

Hey, well come on. Let's do something. I'm dying for some action.

- Hey, Ralph. Hey, you smell what I smell? - Ahh...

- Sure do! Isn't that Fifi? - Yeah, she's in heat again!

- Wow, that poodle's always in heat. - Yeah, you know those Frenchies.

Hey, well, let's call her over, OK?

Hey, let me do the talking. I speak their lingo.

Mademoiselle! Hey, bonjour!

Parlez vous a humma humma?

- She's getting away. Let's go get her. - OK. Let's go.

I got her!

Hey! Hey, Herbie! Hey, Herbie! It's me!

Hey, Herbie! Get off!

Hey, Herbie! Watch out for my eye!

Herbie! Hey, knock it off! What's wrong with you?

Hey, what are you doing? Are you crazy or something?

- Hey, where's Fifi? - She left a half hour ago.

Yeah. I thought something felt funny.

Hey, well, let's go get her.

No, just a minute. I've got to drop a stool.

Drop a what?

- I've got to go pinch a loaf. - Pinch a loaf?

I've got to make a doo-doo, all right?

Oh, well, hurry up. Come on.

Hey, Ralph. Here it comes.

Oh, wow. It's gonna be a big one, too!

Will you get a load of that?

Come here, Ralph! Take a look at this!

Boy, laying on its side, it kind of looks like a sculpture.

Did I do that?

- Boy, Ralph! That's beautiful! - It's really neat, eh?

Boy, you're a regular Rembrandt, you know?

I love the way you used the corn in there for texture, Ralph. Boy, that...

Hey, man. Where have you been all day?

Man, I had trouble getting you on the phone, man.

- On the phone? - Yeah.

I don't even have a phone.

Well, that's probably why I had trouble getting you then, man.

Hey, what you doing, man?

Just watching TV, man.

Watching TV? What are you watching, man?

I don't know. It's a movie about Indians, but it's really boring, man.

Hey, man. That's not a movie, man. That's a test pattern, man.

Oh, far out!

Hey, well, let me change it, man. Hey, there's a good war movie on six, man.

- It's a horror movie, man! - A horror movie?

They are killing the girl tonight, old man.

Oh, no.

Did you hear that, old man?

They are killing the girl tonight.

Hey, let's get loaded.

You can save her.

Just sign these papers, old man.

I cannot sign the papers.

You cannot sign the papers, old man?

Old man, look at me.

Now, sign the papers, old man.

I cannot sign the papers.

Now, old man, sign the papers.

I cannot sign the papers.

Sign the papers, old man!

Wow, man.

That guy's really taking a punch.

Now, old man, you are making me lose my temper.

Calm down, old man. Just calm down.

Oh...

Would you like a cigarette, old man?

How about this one?

- Oh, he stuck it in his eye, man! Old man, you need some water!

No!

He's drowning him.

Sign the papers.

Oh, what do the papers say?

They are merely a statement saying that you have not been mistreated

while you have been here.

I cannot sign the papers.

And why cannot you sign the papers?

Because you have broken both of my hands.

Oh, wow, man. Is that movie a bummer, man.

Hey, let's find something else, man.

I think I Love Lucy is on.

Hi there, friends.

Lost your job? Wife just left you?

Has your daughter run off with a rock musician?

Are you tired of war, smog, and inflation?

- Yeah. - ls life just one big bummer,

and you feel like ending it all?

Well, the Empire Hancock Building

might be just the place you've been looking for.

Conveniently located in the heart of the business district,

the Empire Hancock Building stretches 100 stories straight up in the air

to insure it's no miss policy.

Six diving boards means there is never any wait at the Empire Hancock Building,

and of course, plenty of free parking...

...with validation.

The easy on the pocketbook ten dollar service charge includes your last meal

at our revolving restaurant at the top of the tower.

Last minute counseling by a clergyman of your faith,

and, as an extra added bonus,

splatter proof plastic bags with your initials on them

for easy identification.

- That's a good idea. - So don't delay.

Take that big jump today at the Empire Hancock Building.

And now it's time for America's favorite daytime fun show,

Let's Make a Dope Deal.

- Yes, Let's Make a Dope Deal... Oh, far out.

...where young pushers try to parlay their stash...

- Hey, let's watch this one. All right? - ...Into that really big connection

- and jump up into dealer-hood. - OK, it's a good one.

And our first contestant today on Let's Make a Dope Deal,

is former head of the philosophy department at Harvard University.

He is the holder of a PhD, an MA, a BA, and is a BMF besides.

Would you please give a big, warm welcome for Bob Bitchin!

Come on! Let's have a hand for Bob Bitchin.

Here he is, all the way from Harvard. Bob Bitchin.

Hey, how do you get on this show, man?

- How are you doing? Bitchin'. - Bitchin'.

Well, isn't that far out and solid and right on, Bob.

Tell us, Bob. Here's the question I ask of all our contestants.

What made you drop out?

A lot of people think it was the 400 acid trips I took, you know.

Uh-huh. But what was it really, Bob?

One day I played Black Sabbath

at 78 speed, man.

- And then what happened? - I saw God.

- I've done that, man! You saw God.

- Yeah? - Yeah, with Grand Funk.

Tell us, Bob, what have you been doing with all

those degrees? I noticed you had a PhD, an MA, and a BA.

What have you been doing with all that knowledge?

Making candles, man.

Making candles. Well, that sounds creative, Bob.

What kind of candles are they?

Oh, they're really neat table candles, you know.

- Table candles? - Yeah, you pour wax on a table.

- Uh-huh. - And you set it on fire, man.

Well, that sounds like a hot item, Bob. OK, you ready to play our game?

Yeah. - OK. Here we go.

Now, you know the rules. You get fronted with a stash of 50 keys.

And you can wager part of them or just some of them on any one of our tests.

- Fifty keys? - Fifty keys.

Can I quit now?

No, not yet, Bob. You have to play our game.

OK, Bob. How many do you want to wager on the first test?

- All of them. - All of them.

- He's gonna shoot the works - Go for it, man.

or mainline as we call it here on Let's Make a Dope Deal.

OK, Bob. For 50 keys, what is your name?

You have sixty seconds.

Hey, I know that one, man.

Starts with a B. - Oh, then what is it, man?

I knew it when I came in here, man.

Ends with a B. - Oh, don't tell me.

- Happy birthday. - Ten seconds, Bob.

- Bob! - Wow, Bob! Bob!

- And you win fifty keys. I knew it!

Boy, the tensions mount here on Let's Make a Dope Deal.

- Hey, how do you get on it? Oh, boy, Bob.

I can do that.

Almost. Yeah. OK, here we go.

For the second plateau, how many keys do you want to wager this time?

- All of them. - All of them!

He's gonna shoot the works again. What balls he has.

OK, here we go, Bob. For another hundred keys.

How many joints are in a lid? Thirty seconds.

I know that one.

- Two. - Two?

I roll big joints.

Our judges say that's OK. They roll big joints too.

- You win another hundred keys. Two joints in a lid?

- Boy, the pressure is building. - He must be from California.

- Either that or he got ripped off, man. - ...we're going for the big

and final test. OK. In front of you, you see three doors

marked door number one, door number two, and door number three.

Behind one of those doors, Bob.

Is 50 pounds of Lebanese blonde hash.

Makes your eyes red just thinking about 'em, huh?

OK, Bob. I'm gonna make you a deal.

I'll give you 50 dollars and 50 reds for your keys right now.

- Oh, take the reds, man! - No, take the door.

A thousand dollars and 50 reds. - I want the hash.

- Yeah! Take the hash! He wants the hash.

- Number three! Say number three! - OK, Bob. Here we go.

- I'd take the hash. - Now, I must remind you that

behind the other two doors are narcs. OK, Bob. Here we go. What will it be?

Will it be door number one, door number two, or...

- Are what? - Narcs.

- There's two narcs behind the other... - I'll take the bread, man.

I'm sorry, Bob. It's too late. You have to choose.

What will it be? One, two, or three?

Number three! - Four!

No, no, Bob. There's only three. No. You're nervous. OK.

- One, two, or three? - Two, one!

- Two, one! - Number three, man. Number three.

One, two. No, no, no.

Three! No, one!

- What's he doing? One!

One, one. Black, black. No tap backs.

OK. You chose door number one.

Let's see who's behind that door. It's... Officer O'Mallady, FBI.

You're busted!

Told you to take number three, man.

What happened, man? - He messed up.

And don't touch that dial, because we're gonna bring you

America's favorite daytime dance party show, Un-American Bandstand.

With your host Laidback Lenny.

And Lenny will be out here to introduce all the heavy, heavy groups, but first,

here's a word from our sponsor.

Hey there, groovy guys. Got a big date tonight,

but got a zit in the middle of your forehead?

I'm talking about the big, juicy kind, you know?

The ones that look like a third eye?

Well, if they've been calling you Cyclops, don't get uptight,

'cause now there's new medicated hickey off pimple pads by Brillo.

- Hey. - You should get some of that, man.

Hickey Off just doesn't work on the surface but goes right down

and rips 'em out by the roots.

And for those big moon-sized craters you're gonna have in your head,

well, we have New Hickey Off Plastic Filler.

Hey! Comes complete with a putty knife,

and sandpaper and flesh-toned paint for all the rough spots.

So get it together with Hickey Off Pimple Pads and Filler,

and now back to Un-American Bandstand, where we have the winner

of the name the three songs contest we've been running all month.

And that winner is from Seconal, North Carolina, Chata Ortega.

And Chata correctly identified the three most played songs

in the history of the English language as "Happy Birthday To You",

"Old Lang Syne", and "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida".

Chata!

So Chata, you're gonna win that blind date with Stevie Wonder.

- Right on, right on, right on. - That's really cool, man.

- I had a date with Jose, or something. - He has been backstage with the band

for the last three and a half days getting his head together.

So I imagine he must be pretty well together right now.

So would you please give a big, warm welcome for Laidback Lenny?

Come on! Let's hear it for Laidback Lenny. Here he is. Come on! Let's...

I would have taken the reds, man.

That was the last show, man.

No, he took the wrong door, you know.

Hey, what's happening?

What's this, man? Oh, Laidback Lenny.

Hey, the band's not gonna make it tonight, man.

The singer just had an accident.

He poked himself in the eye with a coke spoon.

He can't get his eye closed, man. It's frozen open.

- I've done that, man. - Yeah, I've seen you.

We've got the winner of the how many downers you can drop contest.

Oh, who is it, man? - No, really.

- Cat's name is Harold Brown. - I know him!

Oh, you used to be roommates with him?

They're gonna bury him?

Speaking of contests, we've got last week's dance contest winner here.

Come on out here.

Hey, but look, it's Juan, man!

- What's your name, son? - Juan Mo'ty, man.

He's got my shirt on.

- Far out. - Tell us, Juan. What school

- do you go to? - Richie Va/ens Junior High, man.

Where'd he get my shirt, man? - Hi, Mr. Murphy!

What are you taking in school?

Metal shop, man. Yeah, majoring in roach clips.

That's great, Juan. And, what grade are you in?

Seventh grade, man.

- How old are you? - Thirty-six, man.

Thanks a lot, Juan.

He's a good dancer, too. You ought to see him do the Mashed Potatoes.

We're gonna be back. We've got a soul brother

going to introduce the next act, but before we bring him out,

we've got a couple of public service announcements.

Anybody having contact with Debbie Hempseed,

go immediately to the free clinic.

- Ain't that your old lady, man? - Not anymore, man.

Take it from me.

We've got a soul brother here. He's a soul deejay.

Comes to us from Soul Station ASOL.

Would you please welcome the most right on man in show business,

Righton Washington!

Right on, right on, right on, right on. Lookey here.

This here is Righton Washington. Say we're gonna get down for you all,

cause we got more soul. Right on, right on, right on.

Look it here. We've got a heavy, heavy show for tonight.

We've got the fabulous Young Hearts, gonna sing the new hit,

"Ooh, La, Wee, I Sure Got to Pee". They're gonna...

That's a good tune, man.

Anybody celebrating anything out there tonight? Anybody celebrating anything?

Like a job? Nobody got a job?

I know times is bad, man. Yesterday I seen a pimp driving a Volkswagen, man.

Probably Clarence's brother, man.

I said we're gonna get down for you all, because... Oh, remember. Tuesday night

is hot pants night. Wednesday night is chitlin night,

and Thursday night is honky night. Right on, right on. Yeah.

Bring yourself a honky, get your ass in free. Hey!

Right on. Make the honky pay for it.

Look it here. We've got a heavyweight show. We're gonna bring out

this man here who is the king of the funk. He is so get down funky,

gonna move in next door to you and your lawn is gonna die. You dig?

Yeah, got boll weevils crawling all over him, man.

He is the man with the hits out. Happy, happy, black and nappy.

Ain't too proud to bitch. And only my mama loves me,

but she could be jiving too.

Would you please welcome the most out of sight man in show business,

Blind Melon Chitlin.

Come on! Come on! Come on!

Let's get some...

Bummer, man.

Do you want to watch anything?

Yeah, hey, turn it back to that Indian movie, man.

Oh, hey, man. Let's just turn it off.

The reason I was trying to get a hold of you all day,

- is I got a surprise for you. - Hey, what did you get me, man? A bong?

- No. Look! - Oh, wow, man.

Hey, that's the biggest joint I've ever seen, man.

Hey, well, let's light it up, man.

Oh, this isn't real, man.

I just filled it full of my old socks and stuff, man.

- It sure looks real. - Yeah, don't it, man?

Hey, well, let's light it up anyway, man. You never know.

Here. Give it to me.

Oh, OK. Hold on, man. No, I'll light it for you.

- Hey, how is it, man? - It's not bad, man.

Hey, well, give me a hit then.

♪ Marijuana

Oh.

Mr. Stromberg, is it? - Yes, Doctor. Mr. Stromberg.

And what seems to be your problem, sir?

Doctor, it's not my problem. It's my son, Jamie.

He's acting like an animal.

Get down off there, Jaime! Get down off the doctor! Here! Come over here!

Here. Sit, sit! That's good boy. Here's biscuit.

Well, Mr. Stromberg. There is a very good veterinarian down the hall if...

Listen, listen, doctor. Don't misundertake me.

It's not that problem. The problem is his nose.

Well, I see that.

However, Mr. Stromberg, I'm not a plastic surgeon.

- No, no, no, no. - Just a general doctor.

No, doctor. That's not the problem at all again.

Listen very carefully.

Ever since he was a little boy, everything he's finding

around the house, he sticks up his nose.

Everything that's laying around the house, up his nose it goes.

He started off small.

First it was maybe a piece of rice, a bean, a Juju bean.

Then he got bigger and bigger.

A walnut, a peanut. Then he started on change.

First it was a penny, a nickel, a quarter. Half dollar! Silver dollars!

He's got Fort Knox up his nose.

Listen!

Well, that is rather musical. Perhaps you can use him as a maraca.

Listen, doctor. Jokes I don't need.

What I need is a normal little boy who don't stick

every toy I get him up his nose.

Trains and boats and planes, he's got up his nose.

Everything, it goes up his nose! I can't believe it, doctor.

And last week, last week,

a whole bagel with lox and cream cheese!

I asked him, what? Your toys hungry maybe or something?

How about some olives?

Oh, doctor, I am going out of my mind, but last night,

last night was the topper of all the toppers.

I am coming home from work. I work hard.

Let me tell you, doctor. I don't mind telling you I work hard, but not for me.

For my wife, for my family. Not one thought about me. Everything's for them.

I'm coming home.

I'm going in the kitchen, maybe have a little glass of tea.

And out in the alley I'm hearing a noise.

So I'm saying to myself, "What is this noise?

Could it be burglar? Yes, it could be burglar."

So I'm getting my gun. Doctor, let me tell you.

I don't like to carry gun, but today,

you can't go out on the street without the young kids

and the shvartzas getting you. So I'm looking at my gun,

and I'm noticing inside my gun are no bullets.

Where are the bullets, I'm asking myself. Where else? Up his nose!

So we get the kid out of the bed. Sure enough, the bullets are in his nose.

How are we gonna get them out? They're stuck in there,

we can't get the bullets out.

We give him whole Doctor Brown's Cream Soda, spin him on his head,

shake him up and down. Nothing but foam all over.

So doctor, I'm coming to you and I'm begging, I'm pleading.

Please get the bullets out of his nose, please.

Well, I'll see what I can do. Come here, son.

Come here. Come on. Up here. There we go.

Well, let me see. Nurse, hand me those pliers. Thank you.

They are wedged in here pretty tight, aren't they? Well, let me see.

Hand me that hammer. Thank you, nurse.

Doctor! You did it!

Everything's out of his nose, doctor! Thank you!

And listen, doctor. Keep the change.

♪ No stems, no seeds that you don't need

♪ Acapulco Gold is

♪ Bad ass weed

Cut.

How did that sound to you?

Hey, man. That was far out, man.

We've got a cut, man.

Yeah, that sounded pretty good to me. I think we can wrap it up.

Hey, no, man. No, I want to do it again, man.

- Again? - Yeah, man.

Like I had a thing to do, you know, where you talk,

when the cat talks, I want to... I've got a thing to say, man.

I was gonna say it, but I forgot it, man.

- You want to do it again? - Yeah, man. Let's do it again.

OK. All right.

Hold it. Give me a joint, man. Give me another joint.

Here.

Far out, man. OK. We'll get it right this time, man.

All right. Let's try it again. - OK.

- You ready? Yeah.

Acapulco Gold filters, take 403.

Now this some bad weed.

Hi there, folks. Smoking more now but getting high less?

Try new Acapulco Gold Filters, regular and menthol.

Acapulco Gold, just a stony three hits longer.

And be sure to save the groovy coupons on the back.

How do you think I got this out of sight hash pipe?

But don't just take my word for it.

Listen to what Ashley Roach Clip of the Jefferson Hair Pie has to say.

Hey, that's right, man. You know, really, man.

The cat's really telling you where it's at, man.

Oh, man.

I'm gonna tell you every time I lay some of this gold

on my friends, man, they light it up, man.

And they just take one toke, man, and they look at me, and say,

"Roach, this weed's a motherfucker man".

Oh, now, you can't say that in there.

You know that's not, that's not right.

Hey, man. What did you want now? Good grammar or good taste?

All right. Listen, we'll go, we'll just, we'll keep going.

Remember folks, it's Acapulco Gold, a herb superb,

long in the leaf and short in the can.

♪ No stems, no seeds that you don't need

♪ Acapulco Gold is

♪ Bad ass weed a'

Cut. Listen, we can bleep out that other part. I think it'll be OK.

Hey, that was all right, man. Did you like that, man?

Yeah, that one, I loved it. It was good.

Hey, that was far out, man.

That's all right. OK. Good. Let's wrap up.

Hey, hang on, man. Hold it now.

I mean, I dug it, now. You know, I mean, that was it. I really dug it.

That's, you know, that's the one...

- Yeah. - But there's a thing, man,

I wanted to do with the matches in front, you know?

So hey, can we do it again, man?

Again?

Yeah, man. I want to get this right.

♪ Ganja boys play with the toys

J' Smoking it every day

♪ They control the beat The beats on the street

Who is it? Open up in there.

It's the city police!

There's nobody home.

Open up! It's the police!

Police? Police? Where's the dope?

Where's the dope? One lid or two lids? One lid or two lids?

One... It was three lids.

Acid. Come on, where's, where's the psilocybin?

There was four lids.

Here it is!

Crap. Where's the grass?

One, two.

Three.

The fourth one. There were five lids... Five.

Come on!

Come on. Out of the pocket!

Grass...

All right. Here I come.

April Fools!

Hey, man. What's happening?

Hey, did I sound like a cop?

Hey, wow, man. What happened to your place, man? It looks like...

What a mess.

Hey, listen, man. The only reason I came over is,

can you sell me a couple of lids?

What's the matter, man?

All right, men. Move in, move in here. Captain would like a word with you.

All right, men. Listen up now.

Now men, we need some volunteers.

Anybody want to volunteer?

Forget you, man.

- Rodriguez, how about you? - Ask Rodriguez.

Oh, hey, man. I'd like to help you, captain, man, but...

...I got to... I got to re-primer the Jeep!

That's it, man. I got to re-primer the Jeep.

Hey, I'll help you mañana, OK, man?

All right, Rodriguez.

How about... Brown? How about you, Brown?

You can kiss my ass, you honky.

All right. Now hold it right there, Brown.

Come on, man! Now discipline's getting pretty lax around here.

Now I remember last week when I asked you for volunteers

to go weed out that marijuana patch, I got damn near got stampeded.

Talking about them, where in the hell are they? They've been gone a week now.

- They're still out on patrol, sir. - Well, get them on the horn.

Here. Give me that.

Charlie to Roger Clark's dogs.

Charlie to Roger Clark's dogs. Can you read me?

Hey, man. The phone's ringing, man.

Oh. Wow, man.

I thought that was in the record.

Hey, we better answer it, man.

All right. Turn that thing down for a minute, man.

Charlie to Roger Clark's dog. Can you read me?

Oh, wow, man. It's somebody talking pretty bad about Roger.

Oh, wow, man. Hey, tell him Roger ain't here, man.

Roger ain't here!

No, goddamn it! This is the captain speaking!

- Who? - The captain.

Captain ain't here either.

No. I'm the captain! Have you found that marijuana patch yet?

Yeah, man. We found it.

Well, have you sustained any casualties?

As a matter of fact, man, the whole platoon's wiped out.

All right, man, I'm gonna send some reinforcements there.

Oh, hey, man. Tell them to bring their own water pipe, man.

You need anything else?

Yeah, man. I'd sure dig a pepperoni pizza.

All right. Charlie to Roger Clark's dogs. 10-4 and out.

All right now, men. We need some volunteers to go help A company.

- We got any... I'll go, sir! I'll go, sir!

Sir, Buster here. I'll go, I'll go!

All rise. Court is now in session. Face the flag.

Your country recognizes the principles for which it stands. Sit down.

Municipal court number 38 is now in session.

Honorable Gladys Dykes presiding.

Good morning. Bailiff, you may call the first case of the day.

State vs. Horwinkle. State vs. Horwinkle.

Leslie Horwinkle, please step to the docket.

Are you Leslie Horwinkle?

If I wasn't Leslie Horwinkle, I wouldn't be here. Now would I?

- Just sit down over there, Horwinkle. - Kiss my ass.

Judge, this is case 148. People vs. Horwinkle.

This is the one I talked about yesterday.

What the hell are you staring at there? Goddamn fascist pig!

Be quiet, Horwinkle.

Haven't you ever seen a crippled before?

Mr. Horwinkle... - I'm just gonna read the charge.

Kiss my ass, you stupid bastard.

Leslie Horwinkle, you are charged that on the night of September 14th

at approximately eight PM you did willfully

with menace and forethought sexually assault a 16-year-old girl.

How do you plead?

I plead insanity.

Insanity?

That's right. Insanity. I'm just crazy about that stuff.

Mr. Horwinkle, this has not been the first time you have

appeared before this court on such a charge,

and we must make sure that you do not appear here again.

Bailiff, whack his pee-pee!

Get your hands off me! I warn you, stupid!

Bailiff, call the next case please.

State vs. Stoner. State vs. Stoner.

Are you counsel for Stoner?

Yes, I am. Thank you. Thank you.

All right, all right. Hey, listen, listen, just sit over there,

and I'll do the talking, OK? Now just be quiet.

Oh, man. Relax, man. You know. It's cool.

- All right. Listen... - We got this sucker in the bag.

- Now listen, I'll do the talking. Yeah, man.

- Go, you know, do your trip, man. - OK. Now just be quiet.

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, Your Honor.

Now it might seem suspicious that my client had in his possession

at the time of his arrest 24 pounds of marijuana, 5000 LSD capsules,

and a gallon of Ripple wine.

To, the layman on the street this may seem suspicious.

However, there is an excuse, Your Honor.

There is an explanation.

It seems that my client had merely found these drugs,

and he was on his way to the police department

to turn them in at the time of his arrest.

Now, we're not saying that my client is an angel.

We admit openly that on two occasions he has smoked marijuana,

and on one occasion taken LSD,

of course, under the clinical supervision of a doctor.

Now, what we want you to do tonight, ladies and gentlemen,

is to look inside your hearts, to examine your own consciences,

and remember this,

judge not and ye shall not be judged.

Now as a true sign of repentance I'd like to have my client step forward

and say just a very few words on his own behalf at this time.

Far out, man.

I almost broke my neck, man.

Oh, that's heavy.

All right. Don't forget what I told you to say.

- Now just face the judge now. - Oh, yeah, man.

Hey, Your Honor, man!

- The judge is over there. - Oh, yeah.

Hey, Your Honor, man. Now, dig, man,

like I know a lot of cats, man, call you pig. You know what I mean?

- Shh, shh. No, really, man.

Like you know, but I ain't like that, man.

You dig? Cause I dig pigs, man.

Quiet, quiet about pigs!

No, really, man. You see my old lady's a pig, you know what I'm saying?

Shut up and just tell them what I told you to say.

Hey, yeah, listen, man. Like my man here says now, you dig,

I've only tried marijuana man, I guess...

...twenty-two times, man.

- Twice. Twice. - Twice, man.

Yeah, man, like that and

I only did acid, man... ten times.

- No. Once. Once. - Yeah.

No, once, man.

Yeah, really, man.

No, listen, man. Now dig, I know, man,

where that drug trip leads, man.

Like I know it's really a drag, man.

You know, because I,

you know, like I really can dig that you can get hung out, man,

you know, and you just go through some, man.

- You know what I mean, man? - Do what I told you.

Far out, man. You know what I mean? Like...

- Tell her what I told you. - Just a heavy,

far out thing, man.

Really get involved, man. You know what I mean?

Like this whale, man. When she gets here, man...

What I think my client is trying to say at this time, Your Honor is that he

- has transcended the drug experience. - You know, like he can really get gone.

Yes, that's it. He has gone beyond that. He needs no...

Now hold on, man. Hold it, man.

- I'll take it from here. I'll take it. - I'm doing the rap.

- He needs no crutches to face society... - Dude, man. You understand?

- ...every morning as a useful producing. - Now, hold it, man!

- Now I'm talking to the cat! Order! Order in the court!

I'm talking to the dude. - Order!

I need you to shut up, man. You understand?

- Now just shut up, man... Order in this court, please.

...or you're gonna blow it for me, man.

Dig, man. Like man,

like you know, I don't need no marijuana, man.

You know what I mean, man? I don't need no acid, man.

You know what I mean, you know?

'Cause I'm hooked on downers, man.

Order! Order in the court!

Order! Order in this court!

Who is it?

It's me, Dave. Open up, man. I got the stuff.

- Who is it? - It's me. Dave, man.

- Open up. I got the stuff. Who?

It's Dave, man. Open up. I think the cops saw me coming here.

Who is it?

It's Dave, man. Will you open up? I got the stuff with me.

- Who? - Dave, man! Open up.

- Dave? - Yeah, Dave. Come on, man. Open up.

- I think the cops saw me. - Dave's not here.

No, man. I'm Dave, man.

Hey, come on, man.

Who is it?

It, it's Dave, man! Will you open up?

- I got the stuff with me. - Who?

Dave, man. Open up!

- Dave? - Yeah, Dave.

Dave's not here.

No, man. I am Dave, man! Will you? Come on!

Open up the door, will you? I got the stuff with me! I think the cops saw me!

- Who is it? - Oh, what the hell.

- Man, open up the door. It's Dave. - Who?

Dave! D-A-V-E! Will you open up the goddamn door?

- Dave? - Yeah, Dave.

- Dave? - Right, man. Dave.

Now will you open up the door?

Dave's not here.

♪ Marijuana

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. This is Horrendo Revolver.

Welcome to Wake Up America.

This evening on Wake Up America we're going to take

an in-depth look at the recording industry.

Now, recently the industry has undergone severe criticism

for its alleged use of drugs, sex, and payola

in the sale and promotion of records.

Now, the building I'm standing in front of right now

is Monster Recording Studios,

where all the sounds that shaped the 60s were recorded.

And we're going to walk inside the studio tonight,

visit one of the sessions, just drop in unexpectedly,

unannounced, and see what goes on.

So here we go. We're gonna open the door now

and let the chips fall where they may.

Hold it! Security here.

Where do you think you're going?

Excuse me, sir. I'm Horrendo Revolver,

and these are my cameramen, and we're doing an expose

on the recording industry, and we just want

to drop into one of the sessions unannounced and see what goes on.

Oh. OK. Go ahead.

Thank you very much, sir. OK, guys. Let's go.

OK, we're gonna just walk into the first session that we see.

There's a red light on now. That means a session's in session.

OK, guys. Let's hit it. We're going right through that door.

This is Horrendo Revolver out here on the fire escape,

and, there's a magnificent view of the city that we thought,

you folks would like to see before we go back in the studios

and have a great exposé on the recording industry.

OK, folks. We're back inside the hallway now.

And as you can hear, there's a session going on behind that door.

It sounds very much like one of those English groups.

So we're going to go through that door

and see what's going on right now.

Whoo! Those burritos!

Hey, I wouldn't go in there if I was you, man.

Excuse me.

Could you tell us where is there a session in this studio?

Uh... studio C, man. It's happening. Yeah.

Thanks a lot. - Whoo.

Let's see. Studio C. Studio C.

Oh, there it is, right over there next to Studio A.

Come on, guys. Let's go in.

Yes, indeed, ladies and gentlemen.

There's a session happening here all right.

We're just gonna walk around and talk to some people now.

Let's see. That man over there behind the board with the funny hat

and the beard looks like the producer. Let's talk to him.

Excuse me, sir. I'm Horrendo Revolver,

- and we're hereto do a... - Hey, man. Where you dudes been?

Man, you've been hanging us up.

Well, we've been on the fire escape and in the bathroom.

Yeah, well, never mind all that. Now which one's the dinner?

Are you the dinner? Yeah, well, listen, here's your part.

Sweet soul sounds are stirring my soul. You got that?

Wait a minute, sir. I don't think you understand. I'm Horrendo Revolver.

I don't understand? Look it, dude. I am the producer.

I understand everything. You don't understand. Here's your part, sucker.

Now get over there and sing it. Sweet soul sounds are stirring my soul.

Well, OK. Sweet soul sounds are stirring my soul.

Yeah. That's great, man.

Only let's try it without the slobber this time.

Wait a minute, sir. I don't think you understand.

I'm Horrendo Revolver from WHIC.

Oh, man. You a jock. Oh, I thought you was a background singer, man.

Hey, listen. I need more, need more tracks, man. I'm the producer here.

Hey, listen, what do you need, man? Anything you want you got, brother.

You want some coke? I got some dynamite blow for you.

Want a little toot for the snoot? It's good, man. It's pharmaceutical.

- You'll blow your head off, man. - No, no, thank you.

Well, what do you want? Some smoke? Hey, I got some dynamite

Jamaican flower tops, man.

Lester, roll the man a joint.

Well, I'm sure flower cups are very pretty, but we're really after here...

Oh, right, right. I'm sorry, man. I should have started off with that.

You want a broad. Right. Hey, you, baby. Yeah, you. Come on over here.

Listen. You heard of Deep Throat? This is her sister, Sore Throat.

Man, be careful with her. She was at a big promotions convention.

So she's a little tired, but she's a dynamite broad.

Hey, baby. Take care of, take care of... What's your name?

- Horrendo Revolver. - Take care of Horace for me, baby.

Hey, but listen, man, before you get hung up with the broad,

I want you to give a listen to this monster smash,

dynamite hit we've been working on, man. This tune is a monster, man.

This sucker is so bad, it ought to jump on the charts at number one

with the bullet, with your help, of course. You know what I mean.

Hey, but listen, man,

really, this tune is different.

It's... it's a cowboy. Man, do you like country and western music?

Oh, sure. I think it's super.

Well, listen. Give a listen to this. Lester, let's do another take.

Hey, baby. Is that a monster smash hit or not?

Oh, Mr. Tracks, that was a super smash single.

That's just sensational.

I really want to thank you

for all the help you've given me today.

Hey, baby. Don't thank me. Just play my record.

Oh, I sure will. I'll play that record all the time.

- Thanks a lot, Mr. Tracks. - Hey, thank you, brother.

Well, ladies and gentlemen,

you have seen what goes on in the recording industry.

I don't have to say a thing. It all speaks for itself.

I can only say that what's happening in the recording industry

only reflects what's happening in society today.

This is Horrendo Revolver saying good night for Wake up, America.

Wait a minute, sir. I don't think you understand. I'm Horrendo...

♪ Marijuana

OK, you got that, man?

I'm in the coffee shop across from the high school.

I got the stuff with me. So make sure you bring the cash, man.

Hey, man. Hey, man. Can I use the phone, man?

- You got that, 160 bucks, all right? - Hey, man. Let me use the phone.

- I've got to make an important call. - Hey, how are you doing, Pedro?

- Hey, good. Let me use the phone. - Hey, just a minute, man.

- I'm making a deal, man. - Hey, well, come on. Hurry up, man.

It's an emergency, man. I've got to make this call.

OK then. OK, man. Be here in five minutes, man.

- Hey, come on, man. Get off the phone. - OK, I'm gonna wait five minutes,

- and then I'm leaving. - Come on, man. Get off the phone.

- OK, you've got it, man. - Oh, hey, thanks a lot, man.

I've got to make a call. It's a matter of life and death, man.

- Hey, Pedro. If I make this deal, man. - What? What?

- Four, three, six, one, seven, seven... - I'm selling some stuff

- for 160 bucks, man. - What? Oh, yeah, yeah, that's fine.

- Eight, four, three, six... - after I pay my lawyer 90 bucks...

- Ninety. No. Was it 90? - ...I'll have over 100 bucks to myself.

- No. Eight, four, three, one... - One hundred bucks to myself, man!

- That's cool. A hundred bucks. - One hundred bucks, man!

- That's cool. Look. Yes. But I got... - But the dude has to come up

- with 160 bucks, or it's no deal. - Yeah, that's good.

Shut up for a minute, man. Let me make this call.

Eight, four, three, one, oh, 60 bucks.

There's no bucks on here.

Hey, man, you're messing me up, man.

Would you just be quiet for a minute? Will you please?

Golly, what is the number again? Let's see.

Eight, four, three, six, one, seven, seven. Yeah, just be quiet, man.

I've got to make this call, OK?

Eight, four, three, six, one,seven,seven.

Come on. Answer.

Oh, good. It's ringing.

M- O-L-D request line. Hold, please.

Oh, thank God I got you, man. Hey, listen, I want to make a request,

and I want to dedicate it to Sophia Ramona Gutierrez,

- and also to her sister, Debbie. OK? - Hello?

Hi. Also, oh, yeah, and also to, Food Giant, Taco Ernie,

Greasy Eddie, Horse Face, and Chango.

And, and also to my cousin Tavo in Camp David Gonzalez.

Get out soon, and we'll get down and party, man.

OK. Thanks for calling MOLD.

Oh, wait. Hey, my name's Pedro De Pacas, and the song I want to play is,

is called "Click, Clack" by Dickadoo and the Don'ts.

- OK. Thanks for calling, partner. - Hey, right on, man.

Good-bye.

Oh, boy. That's a load off my mind, man.

Hey, Pedro? - Yeah?

Hey, listen, man. Are you gonna be around here for a while?

Yeah, they're gonna play my request on the radio, man.

Oh, good. Listen. I've got to make a run, man.

So I want you to do me a favor, all right?

- Oh, sure, man. - Listen, here is the bag of stuff, man.

Now, when the dude comes,

make sure you get 160 bucks cash off him, all right?

- Oh, sure, man. No problem, man. - And make sure it's cash, man.

- Don't take any checks or anything. - Oh, no, no. Just cash.

- OK? - OK. Yeah. Hey, wait, wait a minute.

How do I know what the dude looks like?

Oh, right. Listen, he's that new dude in school, you know?

The one with the funny haircut?

Oh, him. Yeah, yeah. I know what he looks like, man.

- OK, I'll be back in a little while. - OK. Well, hurry up, man.

Let's see. What was that number now?

- M-O-L-D one, one, oh, three... - Excuse me, sir?

- Are you sitting here? - Yeah.

- Is this your property here? - Oh. Oh, hey, you're the dude, man.

Yeah, the guy says it's a 160 bucks, man.

Could I see it please? Yeah, there it is, man.

- Could you come with us, sir? - What?

- You're under arrest. Huh?

And it is my duty to inform you of your rights.

Hey, I know my rights, man. This wasn't even my stuff, man.

Yeah, well, you have the right to remain silent. However,

anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law.

Court? Hey, man, I can't go to court. I haven't even heard my request yet.

Will you put your hands on the table please?

- Wait a minute, man. - Now, you have the right

to the presence of an attorney, and if you can't afford an attorney,

an attorney will be appointed for you.

Hey, wait, that's not even my stuff, man.

And right now we have a special request...

I was holding it for a friend. You gotta believe me, man!

...Camp David Gonzalez. it's an old, MOLD gold called "Free".

Good morning, class.

Good morning, class. Class!

Shut up!

Thank you. As you know, your regular teacher, Sister Rosetta Stone,

is on a small vacation. However, she does send her love

and these finger paintings and dust cloths she's making.

I am your substitute teacher, Sister Mary Elephant.

Class, attention. Attention, class.

Class. Shut up!

Thank you.

Young man, now give me that knife.

- Thank you. - Hey, I need a... Hey!

Now, class, you all know who I am,

so let's find out who you are.

Class, class.

Shut up!

- Oh, far out, man. - Thank you.

Hey, come on. - Now, class,

Sister Rosetta has informed me that your assignment for the last two months

has been to write an essay entitled...

..."How I Spent My Summer Vacation".

Who would like to read theirs before the class?

Hey, ask Horseface. He can read it!

- Class. Class! He learned how to read last week.

Class! Shut up!

Thank you.

Young man in the first row, stand up. State your name and read your essay.

- Who me? - Who's got a match, man?

Yes, read your essay please.

I don't have it finished yet, ma'am.

Well, then read what you have, young man.

Hey, I'll read mine. Man, want to hear mine?

The first day. No. My vacation.

"What I Did On My Summer Vacation".

"The first day of my vacation, I woke up."

You did? - "Then I went downtown,

to look for a job."

"Then I hung out in front of the drug store."

Is that the one on 13th?

"The second day of my summer vacation."

- Boy 2: Hey, lend me your book, man. - "I woke up.

Then I went downtown,

- to look for a job." - Hey, teach. I've got to go to the can.

"Then I hung out in front of the drug store."

Hey!

- Hey, teach! - "The third day of my summer vacation."

- Hey, Elephant! - "I woke up."

- That's fine, young man. - "Then I went downtown to

- look for a job." That's fine young man.

- "Then I got a job." Young man.

"Keeping people from hanging out in front of the drugstore."

- Young man. - "The fourth day

Shut up!

- Thank you. - I've still got to go to the can, man.

Now, class, I have a surprise for you.

I'm going to read you some poems

- out of this lovely book of poetry. - I've got a surprise for you, man!

The sun kisses the morning skies

The birds kiss the butterflies

The dew kisses the morning grass

Class? Class!

Wake up!

I've got to go to the can, man.

Class. Class.

Class, come to order please.

Class, we are very privileged today

to have a very special guest in our room.

His name is Mr. Stadanko.

And Mr. Stadanko is a narcotics officer.

That's better, class.

Hey, Billy. - Now Billy, where are you going?

- Here. Take these! - I've got to go to the can, sister.

- I'll be right back. You sit down, Billy.

Hey, no, no, no. Hey, I've got to go to the can.

You sit down, Billy, and whatever you have in your mouth,

swallow it immediately.

Hey. Thanks a lot, sister.

- Hey, Billy. Here. Swallow these too. - Now class,

I know that all you boys and girls here at Our Lady of 115th Street

are too young to have any dealings with any of these dangerous drugs,

but as Saint Dominic always said,

Ofeely Me Boni Belly Vamonos for Besco Benny Selling All His Dominoes.

- Who said that, man? Dominoes.

And with that, I want you to give Mr. Stadanko

your undivided attention.

Mr. Stadanko.

Thank you very much, Your Grace.

And good afternoon, boys and girls.

Thank you for inviting me

- into your classroom today. - Get lost.

- Get lost! - Now I have, in front of me,

a green, leafy substance,

which I am going to light.

Now I wonder, could one of you boys and girls

- guess what this substance might be? Pot?

- It's pot! - Acapulco Gold!

- No, it's Michoacan, man. Michoacan. - Homegrown!

No, it's Michoacan, man. I can smell it.

That's very good, class. My, sister, they do seem rather well-informed.

They are, Mr. Stadanko. They are!

Why just last week I gave out 15 holy cards.

Well, that's... great, sister.

OK, class, as you know, this drug in front of me

is what they call marijuana,

or as it's known in the hippie world...

- That's pot, man! - Pot. That's right.

- Joint. - Joint.

- Reefer, man. - Yes. Reefer.

- Jane! - Yes, but we don't call it that.

We have other words for it.

- Contrary to popular belief, kids... Yeah, caca.

- And let me level with you... - Put the level over here.

This stuff can give you brain damage.

- What about the other tests? Make no mistake about that.

- What about the other tests? It can.

I know they've had other tests where they say it...

- ...doesn't harm you, but... - Sure.

Believe me, kids, this stuff is dangerous... to fool with.

- Don't look dangerous to me, man. - And remember, only dopes use dope.

- Now class, are there any questions? - Heavy. Far out.

Yes, the young fellow in the front row

with the orange and... purple shirt.

Hey, who cuts your hair?

Right on. Right on.

Class! Class! Now settle down, class.

Now, that wasn't very funny. Now, settle down and give Mr. Stadanko

your undivided attention.

- Mr. Stadanko. - Thank you, sister.

Now, are there any more questions?

I've got a question.

- Yes, you in the... vest, is it? - Yeah.

You have a question, do you?

- Yeah, man. - About the drug?

Yeah, yeah, about the drug thing.

Hey, man, like I was watching TV the other day, man,

and like they said, like if you knew some guy that was pushing,

like, the drugs, man, and that you could call a telephone number,

and you could get a reward if you turn him in.

Is that still on, man?

That's a very good question, son. And I'm glad that you brought it up.

I was going to get to that.

Yes, boys and girls,

there is a program in which you can participate.

Now, we are offering a reward for the pusher.

Ooh! - Now, if there's anybody here

has any information about a drug pusher,

be it your brother, or maybe your,

even your mother and dad, if you give us your name,

we will give you a reward for turning in the drug pusher.

Hey, man, how much is the reward, man?

Well, actually, son, I'm not, I can't disclose the amount.

It depends on how much drugs are...

Sure. Sure. - ...are confiscated.

Like, would you have to tell the guy's name first, huh?

- Sit down, ya puke! That's right.

Hey, well, I want to turn in Billy, man.

Hey, what are you talking about, man?

Hey, man, you sold me that shit. Man, wouldn't get a fly high the other day.

- Hey, I'm gonna cream you, man. Well, come on.

- You're a stoolie, you puke. - Well, come on, man.

- You sold me that stuff, man. - I'm gonna get you, man!

That is nothing but oregano, man.

- Oregano? - I took it home, I was selling it

to my brothers and sisters, man. They wouldn't even get off on it, man.

Well, if it's oregano, you beaner, you could use it in your soup!

Oh, yeah. Who's a beaner? Come on, man!

- You're a beaner. - You want to aha-aha'?

- Let's get down, man! - I'll meet you outside, man.

I don't need to go outside. Come on. Let's go here.

Put your money where your mouth is, man.

Well, come on, man! Come here, ya puke! Quit runnin'!

...get out of there.

- Class! - Quit hiding behind the sister...

Class! Class!

Now you boys stop that fighting!

Class, settle down! Class!

Mr. Stadanko, help me!

It's all right, sister. I'll tell you what. I'll, we'll call the police.

Class!

♪ My mama talkin' to me tryin' to tell me how to live

♪ But I don't listen to her 'cause my head is like a sieve

♪ My daddy, he disowned me 'cause I wear my sister's clothes

♪ He caught me in the bathroom with a pair of panty hose

♪ My basketball coach he done kicked me off the team

♪ For wearing high heeled sneakers and acting like a queen

♪ The world's coming to an end I don't even care

♪ As long as I can have a limo and my orange hair

♪ And it don't bother me if people think I'm funny

♪ 'Cause I'm a big rock star and I'm making lots of money

♪ Money, money, money

♪ Money, money, money

♪ Ahh!

♪ I'm so bloody rich

♪ I own apartment buildings and shopping centers

♪ And I only know three chords

Way!

Ow! Hey, man.

♪ Marijuana

♪ I've got a thing for marijuana

r Surrounds me like a sauna

♪ When I get with you I wanna

♪ Tell the world how much I love ya

♪ I am a cannabis man Got a joint in each of my hands

♪ Mexican or Panama Red

♪ This true love will never end

♪ Oh, how I love you

♪ Marijuana, marijuana

♪ Oh, how I love you

♪ Marijuana, marijuana a'