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1
00:00:14,753 --> 00:00:17,017
Your last act
of the evening,
2
00:00:17,060 --> 00:00:22,022
put your hands together
for buddy solitaire.
3
00:00:24,546 --> 00:00:26,939
All right, guys,
one more time for all
your comics tonight, huh?
4
00:00:26,983 --> 00:00:29,246
Enthusiastic crowd.
5
00:00:29,290 --> 00:00:30,987
I love it.
Excited to be here.
6
00:00:31,031 --> 00:00:32,336
It's midnight
on a Tuesday,
7
00:00:32,380 --> 00:00:35,122
so all of us
are big winners, huh?
8
00:00:35,165 --> 00:00:37,124
So I'm from Kansas,
9
00:00:37,167 --> 00:00:39,648
where we have a special name
for a 12-year-old girl
10
00:00:39,691 --> 00:00:42,085
who's faster
than her brothers--
11
00:00:42,129 --> 00:00:43,695
a virgin.
12
00:00:45,741 --> 00:00:47,786
Okay. okay.
13
00:00:47,830 --> 00:00:51,312
Not much of a thinking crowd
tonight, that's all right.
14
00:00:51,355 --> 00:00:53,792
-Oh, I'm sorry.
15
00:00:53,836 --> 00:00:56,099
Are you expecting
an important call?
16
00:00:56,143 --> 00:00:57,535
Why don't you just
get off the stage?
17
00:00:57,579 --> 00:00:59,102
Why don't you get back
to your phone call?
18
00:00:59,146 --> 00:01:00,364
Fuck you.
19
00:01:00,408 --> 00:01:02,149
Great.
20
00:01:02,192 --> 00:01:03,585
Right here, in front
of all these people?
21
00:01:03,628 --> 00:01:04,890
You want me to just
fuck you on this stage?
22
00:01:04,934 --> 00:01:06,544
That'll be fun
for nobody to watch.
23
00:01:13,551 --> 00:01:15,292
That's my time.
24
00:02:09,781 --> 00:02:12,436
Hey dude, listen to this joke
i got yesterday, okay?
25
00:02:12,480 --> 00:02:14,569
Really?
-now come on,
just one joke.
26
00:02:14,612 --> 00:02:16,310
-One.
-all right,
here we go.
27
00:02:16,353 --> 00:02:18,834
So, in history class
they asked us,
28
00:02:18,877 --> 00:02:21,315
"what's India's contribution
to the modern world?"
29
00:02:21,358 --> 00:02:23,839
I said, "tech support."
30
00:02:23,882 --> 00:02:25,884
-Okay, so, you're
in history class,
31
00:02:25,928 --> 00:02:28,278
you're a 25-year-old.
Why are you still
in history class?
32
00:02:28,322 --> 00:02:30,802
Dude, it's the joke, okay?
It's a 40-word joke.
33
00:02:30,846 --> 00:02:32,021
-I get it.
34
00:02:32,064 --> 00:02:33,457
The punch line's
gotta come faster.
35
00:02:33,501 --> 00:02:36,156
-It's two sentences!
-Get there faster.
36
00:02:36,199 --> 00:02:40,247
Okay, brown man listen.
Brown man grab his iPad.
37
00:02:40,290 --> 00:02:41,987
Hey, do you actually
do tech support?
38
00:02:42,031 --> 00:02:44,338
'Cause I have a virus
on my computer.
39
00:02:44,381 --> 00:02:46,557
Too much porn, and brown man
says "fuck you."
40
00:02:46,601 --> 00:02:49,038
-Oh, nice.
-Mm-hmm.
41
00:02:49,081 --> 00:02:51,519
I do like how you use
that Indian thing, though.
42
00:02:51,562 --> 00:02:53,956
Keep doing that.
Make it your own.
43
00:02:53,999 --> 00:02:56,524
My guru has spoken.
44
00:03:10,668 --> 00:03:12,322
We're doing yoga today.
45
00:03:15,456 --> 00:03:17,719
You know I don't
understand Chinese.
46
00:03:19,329 --> 00:03:20,896
Come on.
47
00:03:24,639 --> 00:03:27,076
You're not helping
either one of us.
48
00:03:29,905 --> 00:03:30,862
Miss liao--
49
00:03:53,755 --> 00:03:55,017
man, get off the stage.
50
00:03:55,060 --> 00:03:56,540
Thank you, I will,
when I'm done.
51
00:03:56,584 --> 00:03:58,586
You suck.
-I appreciate that.
52
00:03:58,629 --> 00:03:59,935
Just tell some jokes!
53
00:03:59,978 --> 00:04:01,980
Great, yes,
more please, please.
54
00:04:02,024 --> 00:04:04,505
Get off stage!
-I will, I got three minutes,
55
00:04:04,548 --> 00:04:07,899
so I guess we're gonna wait,
and I'll just do this.
56
00:04:07,943 --> 00:04:09,901
This how we're gonna
spend your time, guys?
57
00:04:26,353 --> 00:04:27,789
What are you doing?
58
00:04:27,832 --> 00:04:30,226
Celebrating after
another great show.
59
00:04:32,837 --> 00:04:35,492
Don't you think
you've had enough?
60
00:04:35,536 --> 00:04:37,277
No.
61
00:04:42,369 --> 00:04:44,806
I'm fine.
62
00:04:46,982 --> 00:04:48,592
Okay.
63
00:05:00,778 --> 00:05:02,998
Phew.
64
00:05:21,321 --> 00:05:24,411
-Good morning.
-Hi.
65
00:05:24,454 --> 00:05:27,109
Hey, thanks for stopping me
before I ruined
66
00:05:27,152 --> 00:05:29,764
the ol' moneymaker.
67
00:05:29,807 --> 00:05:31,983
Sure.
68
00:05:34,769 --> 00:05:37,641
Maybe you should spend
a little less time
with Hanna.
69
00:05:37,685 --> 00:05:39,730
What does that have
to do with anything?
70
00:05:39,774 --> 00:05:42,080
It's just
her whole energy.
71
00:05:42,124 --> 00:05:43,168
Maybe it's
rubbing off on you.
72
00:05:43,212 --> 00:05:45,257
We're talking energy now.
73
00:05:45,301 --> 00:05:48,173
Do you want me
to grab your tarot cards?
74
00:05:48,217 --> 00:05:49,914
We don't have to talk about it
if you don't want.
75
00:05:51,220 --> 00:05:53,527
Sorry.
76
00:05:53,570 --> 00:05:56,747
Just, I'm not sure I can take
another bad show.
77
00:05:56,791 --> 00:05:59,184
And I know my face can't.
78
00:05:59,228 --> 00:06:01,883
What do you mean?
You love comedy.
79
00:06:01,926 --> 00:06:04,146
Right,
it's in my blood.
80
00:06:24,601 --> 00:06:26,473
Hi, can I help you?
81
00:06:26,516 --> 00:06:27,952
Yes, irwin Schwartz
is up there.
82
00:06:27,996 --> 00:06:29,911
I'm gonna do a set with him.
We go way back.
83
00:06:29,954 --> 00:06:32,261
Uh-huh.
84
00:06:32,304 --> 00:06:34,350
I didn't hear anything
about this.
85
00:06:34,394 --> 00:06:36,700
So why don't you go
pay Julie at the door
for your ticket, yeah?
86
00:06:36,744 --> 00:06:38,136
Do you know
who I am?
87
00:06:38,180 --> 00:06:42,271
I do, Hanna,
but it's not 1983 anymore,
88
00:06:42,314 --> 00:06:43,794
so just go pay
for your ticket.
89
00:06:43,838 --> 00:06:45,274
You do not talk
to me like that.
90
00:06:45,317 --> 00:06:46,623
Who the fuck do you think
you are, you little prick?
91
00:06:46,667 --> 00:06:47,972
Okay, name calling.
92
00:06:48,016 --> 00:06:49,104
-Why don't you just go--
-do not touch me.
93
00:06:49,147 --> 00:06:50,932
Okay, calm down.
94
00:06:50,975 --> 00:06:52,803
-I am a legend.
-Okay, okay.
95
00:06:52,847 --> 00:06:54,936
-I am a fucking legend!
-We have a legend
who's crazy.
96
00:06:54,979 --> 00:06:56,459
Come on,
exit stage right, legend.
97
00:06:56,503 --> 00:06:58,330
Here we go.
Thank you for coming.
98
00:06:58,374 --> 00:06:59,897
Here we go.
There's the door.
99
00:06:59,941 --> 00:07:01,333
Here we go.
Ow, that's nice.
100
00:07:01,377 --> 00:07:03,597
Let's go, let's go.
Bye-bye now.
101
00:07:03,640 --> 00:07:05,555
Bye-bye.
whoo!
102
00:07:24,618 --> 00:07:26,663
Shit.
103
00:07:33,148 --> 00:07:34,541
Hey, honey.
104
00:07:34,584 --> 00:07:35,977
Hey, I'm glad you called.
105
00:07:36,020 --> 00:07:38,240
I wanted to apologize
for this morning.
106
00:07:38,283 --> 00:07:39,981
Oh, don't worry about it.
107
00:07:40,024 --> 00:07:42,026
I left my anxiety pills
at your place.
108
00:07:42,070 --> 00:07:44,725
Oh, you don't need
that stuff.
109
00:07:44,768 --> 00:07:46,683
I'm not gonna take them
forever, you know.
110
00:07:46,727 --> 00:07:49,381
I know! I know.
111
00:07:49,425 --> 00:07:52,036
I see 'em.
I'll be right over,
all right?
112
00:07:52,080 --> 00:07:54,212
Thank you.
113
00:08:11,621 --> 00:08:14,145
Where the hell are you?
114
00:08:14,189 --> 00:08:16,191
I'm coming.
115
00:08:28,769 --> 00:08:31,162
-Hey, ma.
-Hi.
116
00:08:31,206 --> 00:08:32,729
I hear your letterman set.
117
00:08:32,773 --> 00:08:35,776
[Faint TV audio
playing]
118
00:08:35,819 --> 00:08:38,909
-You had no fear.
-Ha!
119
00:08:42,652 --> 00:08:44,654
You would be killing it
if you went up today.
120
00:08:44,698 --> 00:08:48,266
They don't fucking
deserve me.
121
00:08:48,310 --> 00:08:50,051
Slow down with
these, all right?
They give you cancer.
122
00:08:50,094 --> 00:08:52,270
I'll eat cancer.
123
00:08:54,011 --> 00:08:55,926
Hey, I got this joke
I've been working on.
124
00:08:55,970 --> 00:08:57,711
It's this pun thing
that is going to kill--
125
00:08:57,754 --> 00:09:01,105
I was done with puns
when Reagan was president.
126
00:09:01,149 --> 00:09:03,020
-Hey, give it back.
-No.
127
00:09:03,064 --> 00:09:06,589
Aw, did I hurt
little buddy's feelings?
128
00:09:06,633 --> 00:09:09,853
Hanna darling
will always love you.
129
00:09:11,638 --> 00:09:14,292
Look, mom, I just could use
some help with my set.
130
00:09:14,336 --> 00:09:15,859
Well, I really think
you should give it up.
131
00:09:15,903 --> 00:09:18,645
Thank you.
Maybe I will.
132
00:09:18,688 --> 00:09:21,212
Then you'll have more time
to spend with your mother.
133
00:09:21,256 --> 00:09:23,867
-I have to go
pick up Vanessa.
134
00:09:23,911 --> 00:09:25,826
-Vanessa's a cunt!
-Oh, god damn it, mom.
135
00:09:25,869 --> 00:09:27,175
Why do you have to
talk like that?
136
00:09:27,218 --> 00:09:28,742
You want me
to kill myself?
137
00:09:28,785 --> 00:09:31,005
-No.
-i will shoot my
fucking brains out
138
00:09:31,048 --> 00:09:33,442
and you can
just run away with
your little Mexican bitch
139
00:09:33,485 --> 00:09:35,313
and live happily ever after.
140
00:09:35,357 --> 00:09:37,315
I just have to go.
141
00:09:38,360 --> 00:09:40,580
Fucking asshole.
142
00:09:42,973 --> 00:09:46,890
I had my knives and spoons
just like I wanted it
yesterday.
143
00:09:46,934 --> 00:09:48,588
Somebody moved them.
144
00:09:48,631 --> 00:09:50,067
We'll get them right back
to where they were, okay?
145
00:09:50,111 --> 00:09:51,765
You need to
do it right now.
146
00:09:51,808 --> 00:09:55,464
-Yeah, do it right now.
-Zoe. That's not nice.
147
00:09:55,507 --> 00:09:57,379
Why are you yelling at me
and not at miss liao?
148
00:09:57,422 --> 00:09:59,381
No, I need it the right way
for my chicken salad.
149
00:09:59,424 --> 00:10:01,688
-Oh, it's okay, it's okay.
-No, I need to go
to the kitchen.
150
00:10:01,731 --> 00:10:02,906
'Cause I need another
one of these.
151
00:10:02,950 --> 00:10:04,647
Oliver, I need you
to sit down.
152
00:10:04,691 --> 00:10:06,867
No, but see, how I have it
is it goes
153
00:10:06,910 --> 00:10:08,520
chicken salad, chicken salad,
chicken salad--
154
00:10:08,564 --> 00:10:10,305
wow, you must be
really hungry.
155
00:10:10,348 --> 00:10:12,002
You didn't bring me
my chicken salad either?
156
00:10:12,046 --> 00:10:13,613
No, I'm sorry, another
waiter has your section.
157
00:10:13,656 --> 00:10:17,921
-I was at my mom's.
158
00:10:17,965 --> 00:10:20,141
Hey, I'll be right back.
I have to go to
the bathroom.
159
00:10:20,184 --> 00:10:21,664
-Yeah.
160
00:10:21,708 --> 00:10:23,884
Can't be any worse
than my irvine audience.
161
00:10:30,760 --> 00:10:33,458
Hey you, you new
to maple hills?
162
00:10:33,502 --> 00:10:36,636
Uh, no, no.
I could be.
163
00:10:36,679 --> 00:10:39,203
I'm an insomniac,
hypochondriac,
164
00:10:39,247 --> 00:10:42,554
-huge megalomaniac.
Seriously.
165
00:10:42,598 --> 00:10:45,819
Oh. I'm Vanessa's
boyfriend, buddy.
166
00:10:45,862 --> 00:10:48,125
-Are you a
social worker?
-No.
167
00:10:48,169 --> 00:10:50,562
No, but thank you
for thinking I could be.
168
00:10:50,606 --> 00:10:53,043
I'm a comedian, guys.
169
00:10:53,087 --> 00:10:54,828
I'll be here all week.
Try the shrimp.
170
00:10:54,871 --> 00:10:56,481
We have shrimp here?
171
00:10:56,525 --> 00:10:58,614
I have no idea
what the menu is.
172
00:10:58,658 --> 00:11:01,399
You know it's not nice
to make fun of us.
173
00:11:01,443 --> 00:11:05,012
Yeah, look, I'm not
making fun of you guys.
174
00:11:05,055 --> 00:11:08,189
I get what it's like
being here, though.
175
00:11:08,232 --> 00:11:12,149
Social workers, shrinks.
Everybody thinks you're
crazy, right?
176
00:11:12,193 --> 00:11:14,238
It's like being
at home with your mom,
177
00:11:14,282 --> 00:11:16,023
except she probably
doesn't make you kiss her.
178
00:11:17,198 --> 00:11:19,635
Kidding.
179
00:11:19,679 --> 00:11:21,898
You got a very
mad cat at home?
180
00:11:24,422 --> 00:11:27,469
I'm sorry, does one of you
translate for her?
181
00:11:27,512 --> 00:11:30,080
All I got was
"is some"
182
00:11:30,124 --> 00:11:32,343
okay, too much!
All right, too far, too far.
183
00:11:32,387 --> 00:11:33,693
I want my chicken salad!
184
00:11:33,736 --> 00:11:35,303
Man, that is your fourth
chicken salad.
185
00:11:35,346 --> 00:11:37,131
Do you really
eat that much?
186
00:11:37,174 --> 00:11:39,524
Hey, I'm back.
187
00:11:39,568 --> 00:11:41,396
So am I.
188
00:11:44,181 --> 00:11:45,835
What was that?
189
00:11:45,879 --> 00:11:48,708
Don't worry about it, man,
he's just some jerk.
190
00:11:51,232 --> 00:11:53,147
Chicken salad...
191
00:11:54,583 --> 00:11:57,325
Vanessa's class is going
to be my new spark.
192
00:11:57,368 --> 00:11:59,631
Writing about these weirdos
is going to get me
into the jubilee.
193
00:11:59,675 --> 00:12:01,242
What about that joke
i gave you,
194
00:12:01,285 --> 00:12:02,896
the one about
my cousin patel?
195
00:12:02,939 --> 00:12:04,767
-That was some bad shit.
-Yeah, that was
some bad shit.
196
00:12:04,811 --> 00:12:06,551
-Hey.
-look, if I win
the jubilee,
197
00:12:06,595 --> 00:12:08,292
that's gonna turn
everything around.
198
00:12:08,336 --> 00:12:11,034
And Stephan Martin
is running it this year.
199
00:12:11,078 --> 00:12:12,949
That freak would love
a show about crazy people.
200
00:12:12,993 --> 00:12:15,386
I mean, I don't know, man.
Are you sure about this?
201
00:12:15,430 --> 00:12:18,128
Yeah, yeah!
I mean ,look, comedy is
half insane anyway, right?
202
00:12:18,172 --> 00:12:19,869
-Look at us two assholes.
-I'm not an asshole.
203
00:12:19,913 --> 00:12:21,828
You are
kind of an asshole.
204
00:12:21,871 --> 00:12:23,786
Look, it just
seems like a lot,
okay, for some new jokes?
205
00:12:23,830 --> 00:12:26,006
Look, I gotta try something
different, okay?
206
00:12:26,049 --> 00:12:28,660
I've been doing this
for 15 years.
207
00:12:28,704 --> 00:12:31,098
Somethin's gotta change.
208
00:12:33,840 --> 00:12:36,756
Sir!
sir, excuse me.
209
00:12:36,799 --> 00:12:39,062
Hi, yes.
Yes, you, sir. Yeah.
210
00:12:39,106 --> 00:12:40,585
Hi. is this the place
that Stephan Martin
211
00:12:40,629 --> 00:12:42,239
does his hippie-dippy
bullshit?
212
00:12:42,283 --> 00:12:46,026
By "hippie-dippy
bullshit," you mean
meditation?
213
00:12:46,069 --> 00:12:49,116
-Yeah, I think so.
214
00:12:49,159 --> 00:12:51,031
I'm buddy solitaire.
Can you tell Stephan
215
00:12:51,074 --> 00:12:54,991
that buddy's got
a brand new bag, okay?
Like James brown?
216
00:12:55,035 --> 00:12:57,080
Buddy got a brand
new bag, wha-aa!
217
00:12:58,908 --> 00:13:00,127
No, it's not a great
impression
218
00:13:00,170 --> 00:13:01,519
and you clearly
aren't a music fan.
219
00:13:01,563 --> 00:13:03,870
-I like chanting.
-Awesome.
220
00:13:03,913 --> 00:13:06,002
Tell Stephan
it's called "the crazy show"
221
00:13:06,046 --> 00:13:08,178
and that it totally kicks ass,
you got that?
222
00:13:08,222 --> 00:13:09,832
I'll make sure
to let him know.
223
00:13:09,876 --> 00:13:11,747
Okay.
don't forget, baldy.
224
00:13:11,791 --> 00:13:14,271
Psst.
amazing pajamas.
225
00:13:16,578 --> 00:13:18,798
It is nice.
226
00:13:21,496 --> 00:13:23,324
I love nature.
227
00:13:23,367 --> 00:13:25,456
No, you don't.
228
00:13:25,500 --> 00:13:29,112
That's true.
Actually, I think
it's kind of ridiculous.
229
00:13:29,156 --> 00:13:31,332
Hey...
230
00:13:32,899 --> 00:13:34,901
Whoa.
what's the occasion?
231
00:13:34,944 --> 00:13:37,294
-You're gorgeous.
232
00:13:37,338 --> 00:13:38,992
Actually I found
a flower over there.
233
00:13:39,035 --> 00:13:40,689
That's what I thought.
234
00:13:40,732 --> 00:13:42,212
Hey, you know how
maple hill is looking
235
00:13:42,256 --> 00:13:45,128
for that new afternoon
activities instructor?
236
00:13:45,172 --> 00:13:47,391
-I'm your guy.
237
00:13:47,435 --> 00:13:50,003
Yes. I'm gonna
teach 'em stand-up
238
00:13:50,046 --> 00:13:52,135
and sketch, improv.
239
00:13:52,179 --> 00:13:54,485
Look, I really liked
that group yesterday.
240
00:13:54,529 --> 00:13:56,139
Are we talking
about the same people?
241
00:13:56,183 --> 00:13:58,925
Yeah.
well, they're...
Charming.
242
00:13:58,968 --> 00:14:01,623
Look, I know it's just
afternoon workshops,
243
00:14:01,666 --> 00:14:03,538
but these people
have real problems.
244
00:14:03,581 --> 00:14:06,497
I mean, yeah, it's
a counseling center,
not a psych ward,
245
00:14:06,541 --> 00:14:08,804
but they need
a specialist.
246
00:14:08,848 --> 00:14:10,937
I'm as special
as they come.
247
00:14:10,980 --> 00:14:12,416
We already hired someone.
Mr. rickles is gonna do
248
00:14:12,460 --> 00:14:14,505
a deep movement workshop.
249
00:14:14,549 --> 00:14:16,856
Okay, look, anybody
named Mr. rickles deserves
to be fired, one,
250
00:14:16,899 --> 00:14:20,033
and two, what the hell
is a "deep movement"
workshop?
251
00:14:20,076 --> 00:14:22,339
-It's good for your joints.
-Baby, come on, please.
252
00:14:22,383 --> 00:14:24,907
I'm just asking you to
put in a good word, okay?
253
00:14:24,951 --> 00:14:26,691
You're the only one
on my side.
254
00:14:26,735 --> 00:14:29,694
I need this.
255
00:14:33,785 --> 00:14:35,831
I'll see
what I can do.
256
00:14:35,875 --> 00:14:39,226
-Thank you.
-You're welcome.
257
00:14:39,269 --> 00:14:41,576
Mm-hmm.
258
00:14:42,664 --> 00:14:44,144
Uh-oh.
259
00:14:46,320 --> 00:14:49,062
You know, I have taught
workshops before.
260
00:14:49,105 --> 00:14:51,020
Oh, really?
261
00:14:51,064 --> 00:14:52,369
Where?
262
00:14:52,413 --> 00:14:55,024
-Bakersfield.
-Bakersfield.
263
00:14:56,025 --> 00:14:58,723
Mm-hmm.
264
00:14:58,767 --> 00:15:00,638
You don't have
your certificate, do you?
265
00:15:00,682 --> 00:15:03,380
Paperwork?
come on, who needs that?
266
00:15:03,424 --> 00:15:05,861
Me.
267
00:15:05,905 --> 00:15:08,342
Look, I don't have
a ph.D. Like you.
268
00:15:08,385 --> 00:15:11,301
-Mm-hmm.
-but I can still be very
useful to this psych ward.
269
00:15:11,345 --> 00:15:14,130
This is not
a psych ward.
270
00:15:14,174 --> 00:15:16,567
This is
a counseling center.
271
00:15:16,611 --> 00:15:18,961
Sorry.
uh...
272
00:15:19,005 --> 00:15:21,964
I can be very useful
to your counseling center.
273
00:15:22,008 --> 00:15:25,620
But honestly, it's kinda
"tomatoes-tomahtoes,"
right?
274
00:15:29,276 --> 00:15:31,234
Just kidding.
You got the job.
275
00:15:31,278 --> 00:15:33,323
Thought you'd appreciate that,
being a comedian, hmm?
276
00:15:33,367 --> 00:15:35,282
Yeah, that's--
277
00:15:35,325 --> 00:15:36,892
I'll have to remember
that interview style.
278
00:15:36,936 --> 00:15:39,503
Well, the Vanessa group
doesn't need therapy
279
00:15:39,547 --> 00:15:42,985
as much as social skills,
but comedy,
280
00:15:43,029 --> 00:15:44,987
comedy will take
care of that, huh?
281
00:15:45,031 --> 00:15:46,641
-Comedy.
282
00:15:46,684 --> 00:15:48,034
-High five.
-Okay.
283
00:15:48,077 --> 00:15:49,687
-Yeah.
-fist bump.
284
00:15:49,731 --> 00:15:50,993
-All right.
-Ah-hh!
285
00:15:52,081 --> 00:15:54,823
Let's go meet
the group.
286
00:15:54,866 --> 00:15:57,260
-Yes!
287
00:15:59,349 --> 00:16:02,309
Guys, guys.
Listen up, listen up.
288
00:16:02,352 --> 00:16:04,615
-This is buddy.
-Hi.
289
00:16:04,659 --> 00:16:06,313
I hear you already met.
290
00:16:09,055 --> 00:16:12,101
Okay... well.
291
00:16:12,145 --> 00:16:13,929
I'll leave it
up to you, then, huh?
292
00:16:13,973 --> 00:16:15,844
Good luck.
293
00:16:20,022 --> 00:16:22,024
Well, I didn't expect
to be starting today,
294
00:16:22,068 --> 00:16:25,114
but... here we are.
295
00:16:25,158 --> 00:16:27,421
What are you
doing back here?
296
00:16:27,464 --> 00:16:30,206
Thank you,
it's great to see you too.
297
00:16:30,250 --> 00:16:32,861
Guys, I'm your new
afternoon activities
instructor.
298
00:16:32,904 --> 00:16:34,950
Seriously,
what are you doing here?
299
00:16:34,994 --> 00:16:39,041
Whoa. I'm just here
to teach you guys
comedy, okay?
300
00:16:39,085 --> 00:16:41,435
Somebody needs to teach you
some fuckin' manners.
301
00:16:41,478 --> 00:16:43,437
Okay, all right.
302
00:16:43,480 --> 00:16:45,830
Why don't we just
get to know each other
a little bit first?
303
00:16:45,874 --> 00:16:48,224
Let's get into a semi-circle
so bring your chairs in.
304
00:16:48,268 --> 00:16:51,836
Could you bring them closer?
Come in a little bit?
305
00:16:51,880 --> 00:16:54,056
There you go.
That's the effort
I'm looking for.
306
00:16:54,100 --> 00:16:56,145
If you could just
scoot in?
307
00:16:56,189 --> 00:16:58,365
Could you just
take your chair and...
308
00:17:03,892 --> 00:17:06,329
Okay.
309
00:17:09,463 --> 00:17:10,986
Why don't I begin?
310
00:17:11,030 --> 00:17:13,380
Uh, my name is buddy.
I'm a comedian,
311
00:17:13,423 --> 00:17:17,297
and I want to be famous,
but since I'm here,
312
00:17:17,340 --> 00:17:19,125
clearly I'm not.
313
00:17:19,168 --> 00:17:22,650
I drink a lot,
i get high even more often.
314
00:17:22,693 --> 00:17:26,045
Some days I sleep
for 18 straight hours.
315
00:17:26,088 --> 00:17:28,003
Uh... okay.
316
00:17:28,047 --> 00:17:29,396
Why don't you guys
tell me your names
317
00:17:29,439 --> 00:17:31,398
and what brand
of crazy you got?
318
00:17:31,441 --> 00:17:33,835
Um, excuse you?
319
00:17:33,878 --> 00:17:38,144
Sorry, what's your
mental illness?
320
00:17:38,187 --> 00:17:41,625
My, uh,
my name is buford.
321
00:17:41,669 --> 00:17:43,497
But everybody
calls me "bugg."
322
00:17:44,846 --> 00:17:49,938
I worked at vons
on sunset and Vermont,
323
00:17:49,981 --> 00:17:52,506
before I started
seeing the ghost.
324
00:17:54,116 --> 00:17:57,206
Oh, like Bruce Willis
in "the sixth sense"?
325
00:17:57,250 --> 00:18:00,079
Nice.
all right, who's next?
326
00:18:00,122 --> 00:18:02,733
Elliot gomes.
Phoenix battalion.
327
00:18:02,777 --> 00:18:04,387
Oh, yeah?
Where were you?
328
00:18:04,431 --> 00:18:07,216
-Afghanistan.
-i hear that is beautiful.
329
00:18:07,260 --> 00:18:09,697
"Beautiful"?
what are you,
a fuckin' moron?
330
00:18:09,740 --> 00:18:12,134
Most people
would say yes.
331
00:18:12,178 --> 00:18:15,137
Oliver!
nice to see you, buddy.
332
00:18:15,181 --> 00:18:16,399
How long do
we have to be here?
333
00:18:16,443 --> 00:18:18,184
Vanessa said
we'd be doing yoga.
334
00:18:18,227 --> 00:18:20,142
You're not the yoga teacher.
Where's my chicken salad?
335
00:18:20,186 --> 00:18:21,535
Can I ask you
something?
336
00:18:21,578 --> 00:18:23,363
Once you finish
a chicken salad,
337
00:18:23,406 --> 00:18:25,974
how long until they bring you
that next chicken salad?
338
00:18:26,017 --> 00:18:27,541
I never get
a chicken salad.
339
00:18:27,584 --> 00:18:29,630
And yet you keep asking.
340
00:18:30,805 --> 00:18:33,460
-Hello.
-hi, my name's Zoe.
341
00:18:33,503 --> 00:18:35,070
And why are you here?
342
00:18:35,114 --> 00:18:36,680
Because my parents
are pieces of shit.
343
00:18:36,724 --> 00:18:38,204
Respectful.
344
00:18:38,247 --> 00:18:40,423
That is what I like most
about the youth of today.
345
00:18:41,685 --> 00:18:43,470
Miss liao.
346
00:18:43,513 --> 00:18:45,036
Don't wanna talk
to you.
347
00:18:45,080 --> 00:18:48,823
Okay, "brady bunch."
Let's begin.
348
00:18:48,866 --> 00:18:51,478
Guys, I want you
to think of me as the
cool teacher, okay?
349
00:18:51,521 --> 00:18:54,307
We are just gonna
straight chillax.
350
00:18:54,350 --> 00:18:55,830
"Chillax"?
351
00:18:55,873 --> 00:18:59,181
Yeah, you know, relax,
get to know each other.
352
00:18:59,225 --> 00:19:01,183
Hang out,
tell our stories.
353
00:19:01,227 --> 00:19:04,143
That stuff is very
healing, guys.
354
00:19:04,186 --> 00:19:07,102
So, what makes you
so special?
355
00:19:07,146 --> 00:19:08,538
I hate when people
call me special.
356
00:19:08,582 --> 00:19:10,323
I don't want to
tell you shit, dude.
357
00:19:10,366 --> 00:19:13,456
Fine.
we'll just sit here
in silence.
358
00:19:14,501 --> 00:19:16,633
Show us some comedy.
359
00:19:16,677 --> 00:19:17,721
Excuse me?
360
00:19:17,765 --> 00:19:19,419
Miss liao
loves comedy.
361
00:19:19,462 --> 00:19:22,335
Really?
362
00:19:22,378 --> 00:19:25,294
Okay.
your wish is my command.
363
00:19:25,338 --> 00:19:29,516
All right, uh, well,
a joke comes in two parts.
364
00:19:29,559 --> 00:19:34,260
You got your setup,
and you got your punch line.
365
00:19:34,303 --> 00:19:36,784
"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
366
00:19:36,827 --> 00:19:38,525
"justin."
"justin who?"
367
00:19:38,568 --> 00:19:40,353
That's your setup.
368
00:19:40,396 --> 00:19:43,921
But the punch line,
that's where you get
your laugh.
369
00:19:43,965 --> 00:19:46,141
"justin time for dinner."
370
00:19:49,623 --> 00:19:51,886
I've seen suicide bombers
that are funnier than you.
371
00:19:51,929 --> 00:19:54,323
-I thought you
were a comedian.
372
00:19:54,367 --> 00:19:55,977
-No, guys,
373
00:19:56,020 --> 00:19:58,719
that's an example
of joke structure.
374
00:19:58,762 --> 00:20:01,374
Look, okay, look.
I will give you a real joke
from my act.
375
00:20:01,417 --> 00:20:03,898
We'll use this.
Okay, all right.
376
00:20:03,941 --> 00:20:06,596
So I lost my virginity
to a French girl.
377
00:20:06,640 --> 00:20:08,598
Which is kind of like learning
to drive on a Porsche--
378
00:20:08,642 --> 00:20:10,861
-boring!
-how do you know
it's boring?
379
00:20:10,905 --> 00:20:12,254
I haven't finished
the joke yet.
380
00:20:12,298 --> 00:20:13,647
My mother's French, dude.
381
00:20:13,690 --> 00:20:14,996
Well, she might like
a joke about her.
382
00:20:17,781 --> 00:20:19,348
You haven't said anything
remotely funny!
383
00:20:19,392 --> 00:20:21,089
You guys gotta
let me finish.
384
00:20:21,132 --> 00:20:22,830
I haven't gotten
to the punch line.
385
00:20:24,005 --> 00:20:25,789
Really hard to
get a joke out--
386
00:20:25,833 --> 00:20:27,269
okay, you know what?
Forget it, forget it.
387
00:20:27,313 --> 00:20:29,358
Let's just watch
a video, okay?
388
00:20:29,402 --> 00:20:31,012
Let's watch
a video together.
389
00:20:31,055 --> 00:20:33,754
We'll watch videos.
Oh, look, it's Jerry Seinfeld.
390
00:20:33,797 --> 00:20:35,973
Low effort for
everybody involved,
391
00:20:36,017 --> 00:20:37,758
including Jerry.
392
00:20:41,065 --> 00:20:42,632
What do you think
happened to the French girl?
393
00:20:42,676 --> 00:20:44,939
Don't think about
the French girl, bugg.
394
00:20:44,982 --> 00:20:46,897
Hey, Stephan, it's buddy.
395
00:20:46,941 --> 00:20:49,596
Did you get my message
from that hare krishna?
396
00:20:49,639 --> 00:20:51,685
Anyway, I had to sleep
with all of your assistants
397
00:20:51,728 --> 00:20:54,035
to get this direct number,
including Dave, who is
a great lay,
398
00:20:54,078 --> 00:20:56,124
so you know,
call me back, man.
399
00:20:56,167 --> 00:20:58,039
Thanks.
400
00:20:58,082 --> 00:21:00,171
Okay, guys,
hell of a first day.
401
00:21:00,215 --> 00:21:01,956
See you later.
402
00:21:05,960 --> 00:21:08,310
Hey, buddy.
Hey, hey, buddy.
403
00:21:08,354 --> 00:21:11,226
Hey... I wanna learn
about punch lines.
404
00:21:11,270 --> 00:21:12,314
Oh yeah?
405
00:21:12,358 --> 00:21:13,663
You sure you're
not an emissary
406
00:21:13,707 --> 00:21:15,491
sent from that horde
here to attack me?
407
00:21:15,535 --> 00:21:18,799
Oh, no, man.
This is all just
really new to them.
408
00:21:18,842 --> 00:21:20,670
What's with "Chinese
chuckles" in there?
409
00:21:20,714 --> 00:21:22,759
Kind of an intense woman
for a workshop.
410
00:21:22,803 --> 00:21:26,633
Yeah, miss liao is
Tyson's younger cousin.
411
00:21:26,676 --> 00:21:27,808
So?
412
00:21:27,851 --> 00:21:29,636
Well, he managed
to get her here
413
00:21:29,679 --> 00:21:31,290
instead of a room
at state.
414
00:21:31,333 --> 00:21:34,249
She was a mail-order bride
or something.
415
00:21:34,293 --> 00:21:37,557
Her husband up in Fresno
used to hit her.
416
00:21:37,600 --> 00:21:39,515
A lot.
417
00:21:39,559 --> 00:21:41,343
She burned his house down.
418
00:21:41,387 --> 00:21:43,345
Pulled a "left eye."
419
00:21:43,389 --> 00:21:46,870
Yeah, I never thought
about it like that.
420
00:21:46,914 --> 00:21:49,090
-Yeah.
421
00:21:49,133 --> 00:21:52,485
When I was younger,
my mom wouldn't allow any
cussin' in the house.
422
00:21:52,528 --> 00:21:54,835
I mean, you couldn't
watch anything.
423
00:21:54,878 --> 00:21:58,621
But me and my older brother
used to sneak "delirious"
down in the basement.
424
00:21:58,665 --> 00:22:00,754
My mom said "fuck"
all the time, so...
425
00:22:02,016 --> 00:22:05,062
"Delirious"
is great, though.
426
00:22:05,106 --> 00:22:06,847
How about you, man?
You got jokes?
427
00:22:06,890 --> 00:22:09,806
Yeah, yeah, man.
I got a book full of 'em.
428
00:22:11,286 --> 00:22:12,679
I'll tell you what.
Next time I'm here,
429
00:22:12,722 --> 00:22:14,855
you bring 'em, we'll go
over 'em together, okay?
430
00:22:14,898 --> 00:22:16,900
Yeah, yeah,
that'd be great.
431
00:22:16,944 --> 00:22:19,555
That'd be great, man.
432
00:22:19,599 --> 00:22:21,340
Hey, buddy?
433
00:22:21,383 --> 00:22:23,472
You get to miss liao,
434
00:22:23,516 --> 00:22:26,649
everybody else
falls in line.
435
00:22:27,694 --> 00:22:29,696
Thanks, man.
436
00:22:45,276 --> 00:22:47,017
Come on. Come on.
437
00:22:47,061 --> 00:22:48,541
Come on.
This is your idea.
438
00:22:48,584 --> 00:22:50,499
Yeah, I know.
I know.
439
00:22:50,543 --> 00:22:52,283
I thought I was
in better shape.
440
00:22:52,327 --> 00:22:54,634
No, I could've
told you otherwise.
441
00:22:54,677 --> 00:22:57,376
-All right, well.
-See, you should go
work out with me.
442
00:22:57,419 --> 00:23:00,683
-I work out.
I call it drinking and--
443
00:23:00,727 --> 00:23:03,382
not eating right.
444
00:23:10,693 --> 00:23:13,304
This is beautiful.
-Thank you.
445
00:23:13,348 --> 00:23:16,220
-I did this all myself.
446
00:23:22,879 --> 00:23:24,620
Why do you
put up with me?
447
00:23:24,664 --> 00:23:26,448
I accept your flaws
and you accept mine.
448
00:23:26,492 --> 00:23:28,711
Yeah, but you
don't have any.
449
00:23:28,755 --> 00:23:31,105
Except my terrible
taste in men.
450
00:23:31,148 --> 00:23:34,021
-Hey, that is me.
-It is you.
451
00:23:34,064 --> 00:23:36,240
-Oh.
-mm-hmm.
452
00:23:38,895 --> 00:23:41,463
What's that?
453
00:23:41,507 --> 00:23:43,726
I have something
to tell you.
454
00:23:44,727 --> 00:23:46,163
Okay.
455
00:23:52,518 --> 00:23:54,650
I'm pregnant.
456
00:23:54,694 --> 00:23:57,000
-That's a good joke.
-It's not a joke.
457
00:23:58,915 --> 00:24:01,440
Okay.
458
00:24:01,483 --> 00:24:03,485
All right, let's--
459
00:24:03,529 --> 00:24:04,965
this is great news,
sweetie.
460
00:24:05,008 --> 00:24:07,707
This is-- fuck.
This is great.
461
00:24:07,750 --> 00:24:09,839
I...
462
00:24:09,883 --> 00:24:11,972
Why aren't you happier?
463
00:24:12,015 --> 00:24:15,628
I mean, the two of us
are a mess.
464
00:24:15,671 --> 00:24:18,500
We can barely
take care of ourselves.
Another person?
465
00:24:18,544 --> 00:24:21,938
Honey, you're gonna be
an amazing mom.
466
00:24:21,982 --> 00:24:25,725
-I can try breastfeeding.
467
00:24:27,857 --> 00:24:30,643
Baby, I'm gonna get
into the jubilee, okay?
468
00:24:30,686 --> 00:24:33,950
And then everything
is gonna be different.
469
00:24:33,994 --> 00:24:35,474
Everything's gonna
turn around for us.
470
00:24:36,475 --> 00:24:38,564
I promise.
471
00:24:44,744 --> 00:24:47,311
Next time, warn me before
you and your little "churro"
472
00:24:47,355 --> 00:24:49,400
decide to spring this
kinda news on me.
473
00:24:49,444 --> 00:24:51,707
-This is supposed to
be a good thing, ma.
474
00:24:51,751 --> 00:24:54,014
Maybe if you people
believed in the use
of condoms.
475
00:24:54,057 --> 00:24:56,625
-Listen, darling, don't
let her tear us apart.
476
00:24:56,669 --> 00:24:59,149
-Please, stop it.
477
00:24:59,193 --> 00:25:00,760
You think you can
take my son away from me?
478
00:25:00,803 --> 00:25:02,370
All you do is insult him.
479
00:25:02,413 --> 00:25:04,111
Yeah, well, I can do that.
He's my goddamned son.
480
00:25:04,154 --> 00:25:05,416
Okay, guys, we don't want to
wake the Korean neighbors--
481
00:25:05,460 --> 00:25:07,331
we have a bond.
A bond of real family.
482
00:25:07,375 --> 00:25:09,769
A bond of comedy.
What the hell do you have,
fuck face?
483
00:25:09,812 --> 00:25:12,249
-Buddy, you need to talk to her.
-She said she's gonna stop.
484
00:25:12,293 --> 00:25:14,817
-I never said that.
-You need to check
your mother.
485
00:25:14,861 --> 00:25:18,299
-Check yourself
out the door!
-Thanks, mom.
486
00:25:18,342 --> 00:25:20,867
-Wait.
-bye!
487
00:25:36,404 --> 00:25:38,058
I'm sorry.
488
00:25:38,101 --> 00:25:39,450
You're not my mom.
489
00:25:39,494 --> 00:25:40,974
If it happens again,
.
490
00:25:41,017 --> 00:25:43,106
Speak english.
We're in America.
491
00:25:43,150 --> 00:25:44,543
Do not make fun of bugg.
492
00:25:44,586 --> 00:25:46,936
Don't tell me
what to do!
Jesus!
493
00:25:46,980 --> 00:25:49,373
Argh!
494
00:25:53,769 --> 00:25:57,077
Careful, you're gonna
snap her in half.
495
00:25:57,120 --> 00:25:58,861
American kids
have no respect.
496
00:25:58,905 --> 00:26:01,429
I know.
I was one of them.
497
00:26:02,473 --> 00:26:05,172
-No.
498
00:26:08,175 --> 00:26:10,656
How do you say "pain"
in your language?
499
00:26:12,048 --> 00:26:14,398
"Tong."
500
00:26:14,442 --> 00:26:17,924
Burning down houses,
scaring the living shit
out of people?
501
00:26:17,967 --> 00:26:20,448
That sounds like
a lotta "tong."
502
00:26:20,491 --> 00:26:23,538
Vanessa told me
you had a daughter.
503
00:26:23,582 --> 00:26:25,627
Mind your own business.
504
00:26:27,237 --> 00:26:29,500
I like kids.
They're great.
505
00:26:29,544 --> 00:26:31,590
All squishy,
they're cute.
506
00:26:31,633 --> 00:26:34,505
Their heads smell amazing.
I bet your daughter
would love it
507
00:26:34,549 --> 00:26:37,247
if you just tried
one of these donuts.
508
00:26:37,291 --> 00:26:39,075
I told you to
mind your own business!
509
00:26:39,119 --> 00:26:42,209
-I don't know what
that means.
510
00:26:42,252 --> 00:26:45,038
Means "asshole."
511
00:26:45,081 --> 00:26:47,388
Oh, so, I'm
a double asshole?
512
00:26:49,085 --> 00:26:50,739
Eh, these are fine.
513
00:26:52,349 --> 00:26:54,482
Hello, everyone!
514
00:26:54,525 --> 00:26:57,920
I come bearing gifts.
Get excited, people,
515
00:26:57,964 --> 00:27:00,749
because these bad boys
are fresh
516
00:27:00,793 --> 00:27:03,665
and they are warm.
517
00:27:03,709 --> 00:27:06,581
That'll disturb my digestion.
It'll give me the runs.
518
00:27:06,625 --> 00:27:09,715
Very, very watery poo.
519
00:27:09,758 --> 00:27:11,673
Thanks for talking
about your shits.
520
00:27:11,717 --> 00:27:13,544
Dr. yee doesn't like
outside food in here.
521
00:27:13,588 --> 00:27:15,677
It's just donuts, okay?
522
00:27:15,721 --> 00:27:17,374
Those are full
of sugar and carbs.
523
00:27:17,418 --> 00:27:19,202
That's what goes
into donuts.
524
00:27:19,246 --> 00:27:21,204
Mommy and daddy
won't let you have
the good stuff either?
525
00:27:21,248 --> 00:27:22,902
-Shut your mouth, retard!
Whoa, whoa!
526
00:27:22,945 --> 00:27:25,644
Guys, we don't need
another "dangerous minds."
527
00:27:25,687 --> 00:27:27,167
It's all good.
528
00:27:32,868 --> 00:27:34,914
So you do like donuts.
529
00:27:36,698 --> 00:27:40,528
See, everyone?
Miss liao likes donuts.
530
00:27:40,571 --> 00:27:44,010
Our teacher
is trying very hard.
531
00:27:44,053 --> 00:27:45,751
Yes, I am.
532
00:27:45,794 --> 00:27:48,754
-Thirsty.
-great.
533
00:27:48,797 --> 00:27:51,713
Water.
534
00:27:51,757 --> 00:27:54,803
You'd better get that water.
Miss liao does not ask twice.
535
00:27:59,852 --> 00:28:03,246
Okay, I will be back.
536
00:28:05,248 --> 00:28:07,337
Fuckin' people.
537
00:28:21,395 --> 00:28:23,266
Door's locked.
538
00:28:24,441 --> 00:28:27,880
Ah.
much appreciated.
539
00:28:27,923 --> 00:28:30,143
Hey, guys,
i know it's common.
540
00:28:30,186 --> 00:28:31,840
I locked myself
out of my room,
541
00:28:31,884 --> 00:28:35,844
so, uh, what do we do
in that situation?
542
00:28:40,631 --> 00:28:43,112
Toucheé.
543
00:28:43,156 --> 00:28:46,594
Your water, precious.
544
00:28:46,637 --> 00:28:49,249
Great, now I can
check "getting hazed
by the mentally ill"
545
00:28:49,292 --> 00:28:51,642
off my bucket list.
546
00:28:52,818 --> 00:28:54,167
Get excited, class.
547
00:28:54,210 --> 00:28:55,995
We're about to have
a huge lesson,
548
00:28:56,038 --> 00:28:59,259
'cause today we're learning
about the history...
549
00:29:00,390 --> 00:29:02,218
Of comedy.
550
00:29:03,393 --> 00:29:05,482
Any questions?
551
00:29:05,526 --> 00:29:08,355
You're worse
than my cousin tan.
552
00:29:08,398 --> 00:29:10,574
He was retarded.
553
00:29:18,452 --> 00:29:19,888
...masturbating
this morning,
554
00:29:19,932 --> 00:29:21,847
and on my way here,
it made me kinda late.
555
00:29:21,890 --> 00:29:24,806
So... that happened.
556
00:29:24,850 --> 00:29:26,590
Ah, knuckles.
557
00:29:26,634 --> 00:29:28,810
I didn't think you came
to fringe shows, buddy.
558
00:29:28,854 --> 00:29:30,246
You know, I make
an exception
559
00:29:30,290 --> 00:29:31,682
when I'm on the fringe
of being interested.
560
00:29:31,726 --> 00:29:33,815
-Oh! good one.
-Thank you.
561
00:29:33,859 --> 00:29:35,991
Look, I just want to talk
to Stephan, okay?
562
00:29:36,035 --> 00:29:38,037
I don't know if he's
getting my messages.
563
00:29:38,080 --> 00:29:39,299
Stephan's not here.
564
00:29:39,342 --> 00:29:41,040
He's literally
right behind you.
565
00:29:42,955 --> 00:29:44,304
-No, he's not.
-Jesus.
566
00:29:44,347 --> 00:29:45,653
Is he even listening
to this guy?
567
00:29:45,696 --> 00:29:48,308
-He's absorbing.
568
00:29:48,351 --> 00:29:50,353
-Maybe.
-look, I just want
to tell him
569
00:29:50,397 --> 00:29:51,964
I'm doing some
next
570
00:29:52,007 --> 00:29:53,661
I'm taking things
in a whole new direction.
571
00:29:53,704 --> 00:29:54,793
Oh, that's
a boy band, right?
572
00:29:54,836 --> 00:29:56,403
Pretty good one.
Just let me--
573
00:29:57,839 --> 00:29:59,058
calm down, okay?
574
00:29:59,101 --> 00:30:00,407
Stephan's gotten
all your messages.
575
00:30:00,450 --> 00:30:01,887
He just doesn't want
to talk to you.
576
00:30:01,930 --> 00:30:04,150
How do you know that,
knuckles, osmosis?
577
00:30:04,193 --> 00:30:06,892
-Way to work in
a callback.
-Oh, thanks.
578
00:30:06,935 --> 00:30:08,850
Hey, stick around and you can
watch a real pro on stage.
579
00:30:08,894 --> 00:30:10,765
-Me.
580
00:30:13,899 --> 00:30:15,248
Thank you for that
warm welcome.
581
00:30:15,291 --> 00:30:17,772
I appreciate it.
582
00:30:17,816 --> 00:30:22,211
All right, guys,
i want to talk to you
about a new job that I got.
583
00:30:22,255 --> 00:30:24,126
I'm teaching
stand-up comedy
584
00:30:24,170 --> 00:30:27,303
at a psychological
counseling center.
585
00:30:27,347 --> 00:30:30,437
That's right.
I'm trying to teach
the insane
586
00:30:30,480 --> 00:30:32,482
how to be funnier.
587
00:30:32,526 --> 00:30:35,790
That's like trying to teach
the blind how to drive.
588
00:30:35,834 --> 00:30:37,879
I mean,
what's the point?
589
00:30:37,923 --> 00:30:40,012
There is
an Asian woman there
590
00:30:40,055 --> 00:30:42,753
who is covered in cuts.
591
00:30:42,797 --> 00:30:44,625
I mean, she's kind
of attractive,
592
00:30:44,668 --> 00:30:46,018
provided your turn-ons
include
593
00:30:46,061 --> 00:30:48,194
a horrible personality
and knife skills.
594
00:30:49,978 --> 00:30:52,851
She is a mail-order bride,
though, which is kind of cool.
595
00:30:52,894 --> 00:30:55,070
First one I've ever met.
596
00:30:55,114 --> 00:30:57,377
She burned her husband's
house down.
597
00:30:57,420 --> 00:30:58,900
Imagine how pissed
you would be
598
00:30:58,944 --> 00:31:01,163
if you paid for a woman
to be shipped from China
599
00:31:01,207 --> 00:31:04,079
and then she burned
your motherfucking house down.
600
00:31:04,123 --> 00:31:06,429
She "left-eyed" this guy.
601
00:31:06,473 --> 00:31:08,475
There's an Afghanistan
war vet
602
00:31:08,518 --> 00:31:11,695
who is a real charmer,
let me tell you.
603
00:31:11,739 --> 00:31:13,523
He has some serious
anger problems,
604
00:31:13,567 --> 00:31:15,917
but he's single,
so ladies,
605
00:31:15,961 --> 00:31:20,052
if your bucket list
includes death by
murder-suicide,
606
00:31:20,095 --> 00:31:23,142
-i think I've got your guy.
607
00:31:23,185 --> 00:31:27,450
But the best person there is
a black schizophrenic guy
608
00:31:27,494 --> 00:31:29,670
who got fired from vons.
609
00:31:29,713 --> 00:31:32,412
You hear that?
Let's count all those
shitty things
610
00:31:32,455 --> 00:31:34,675
this guy's dealing with.
I mean, he's a black guy.
611
00:31:34,718 --> 00:31:37,547
Sorry, but he's already
got a few strikes against him
with that.
612
00:31:37,591 --> 00:31:41,464
He's schizophrenic,
and he got fired from vons!
613
00:31:41,508 --> 00:31:44,511
Who the fuck gets fired
from a grocery store?
614
00:31:44,554 --> 00:31:47,644
My cousin is 14,
and he's a manager there.
615
00:31:47,688 --> 00:31:50,821
The only thing worse
than that is an Indian
in a wheelchair
616
00:31:50,865 --> 00:31:53,128
sweeping up at a casino.
617
00:31:53,172 --> 00:31:56,827
He's sweeping!
They couldn't even
give him a job dealing?
618
00:31:56,871 --> 00:31:58,394
So guys, when you think
you got it bad,
619
00:31:58,438 --> 00:32:01,049
keep in mind--
you're doing all right.
620
00:32:01,093 --> 00:32:03,660
-Thanks, guys.
Good night.
621
00:32:06,925 --> 00:32:09,710
He got fired from vons.
622
00:32:09,753 --> 00:32:11,581
How the fuck
do you get fired--
623
00:32:11,625 --> 00:32:14,410
-it's this ugly cat meme.
624
00:32:14,454 --> 00:32:16,978
I don't know.
My niece sent it to me.
625
00:32:17,022 --> 00:32:19,372
I'm actually just getting
a ton of writing done.
626
00:32:19,415 --> 00:32:20,808
-That's great.
-Yeah.
627
00:32:20,851 --> 00:32:21,809
I told you you'd find
your inspiration.
628
00:32:21,852 --> 00:32:24,029
-You were right.
-Mm-hmm.
629
00:32:24,072 --> 00:32:27,989
So, how are you feeling?
630
00:32:28,033 --> 00:32:30,905
-Hungry.
-oh, little baby.
631
00:32:30,949 --> 00:32:33,125
I'm fine.
632
00:32:33,168 --> 00:32:34,996
-Have you checked
your messages?
-No.
633
00:32:35,040 --> 00:32:36,519
When I'm at work
Tyson said,
634
00:32:36,563 --> 00:32:38,521
"don't check your phone."
635
00:32:38,565 --> 00:32:40,001
-Don't be a dick.
-That's what he
sounded like.
636
00:32:40,045 --> 00:32:41,872
Don't be a dick.
637
00:32:41,916 --> 00:32:43,265
You should check
your messages.
638
00:32:43,309 --> 00:32:45,746
-He's called
your land line,
639
00:32:45,789 --> 00:32:47,617
he's even called me.
640
00:32:48,836 --> 00:32:52,013
-Stephan Martin.
641
00:32:52,057 --> 00:32:54,015
-Uh-huh.
642
00:33:00,239 --> 00:33:03,024
This'll only
take a second.
643
00:33:03,068 --> 00:33:06,636
Hey, that was
a very interesting
performance last night.
644
00:33:06,680 --> 00:33:09,596
Yeah, did you see it or
did you just absorb it?
645
00:33:09,639 --> 00:33:12,729
-Ha, ha.
-Will you please
be quiet?
646
00:33:12,773 --> 00:33:16,037
Will you please
adhere to your own
Dharma experience?
647
00:33:16,081 --> 00:33:18,735
Uh, everything okay
over there?
648
00:33:18,779 --> 00:33:22,391
Just some human soul
lost in samsara.
649
00:33:22,435 --> 00:33:24,393
So that was quite
a dark set.
650
00:33:24,437 --> 00:33:27,222
-Compelling.
-shh!
651
00:33:27,266 --> 00:33:29,529
-Oh, thanks, man.
652
00:33:29,572 --> 00:33:31,009
Hey, look...
653
00:33:31,052 --> 00:33:32,532
I got a ton more
where that came from,
654
00:33:32,575 --> 00:33:34,708
and I know you got
the jubilee coming up, so...
655
00:33:34,751 --> 00:33:39,104
Hey, were those real people
you were talking about?
656
00:33:39,147 --> 00:33:40,844
Uh, yeah.
657
00:33:40,888 --> 00:33:45,327
Wow. you're kind of
an evil bastard.
658
00:33:45,371 --> 00:33:48,200
Uh, I guess.
Thanks.
659
00:33:48,243 --> 00:33:50,898
You need to be quiet.
660
00:33:50,941 --> 00:33:53,118
What if I was on
the phone with Buddha?
661
00:33:53,161 --> 00:33:54,423
Buddha calls now.
662
00:33:54,467 --> 00:33:58,079
So do shut up,
you unenlightened fuck.
663
00:33:59,646 --> 00:34:02,605
All praise
Buddha shakyamuni.
664
00:34:02,649 --> 00:34:07,088
Anyway, let's see what
you can do on the jubilee
emerging stage.
665
00:34:07,132 --> 00:34:09,047
Night one.
You kill there,
666
00:34:09,090 --> 00:34:10,570
and I'll bring you back
for the competition.
667
00:34:10,613 --> 00:34:12,702
I want to kiss
your bald head.
Thank you!
668
00:34:12,746 --> 00:34:15,836
Ooh, I'm fucking the world!
I'm sorry about that.
669
00:34:15,879 --> 00:34:19,144
I... shouldn't have said that
to a social worker.
670
00:34:19,187 --> 00:34:21,494
Ah, I'm still fucking
the world, though! Oh!
671
00:34:21,537 --> 00:34:23,409
Oh-ho, yes!
672
00:34:23,452 --> 00:34:26,281
To quote the prophet
ice cube,
673
00:34:26,325 --> 00:34:28,805
"today is a good day!"
674
00:34:28,849 --> 00:34:30,981
Oh, you know what?
675
00:34:31,025 --> 00:34:32,940
I'm gonna teach you guys
a little comedy.
676
00:34:32,983 --> 00:34:35,116
A little quid pro quo.
677
00:34:35,160 --> 00:34:36,813
What did we do for you?
678
00:34:36,857 --> 00:34:39,860
-It is Latin.
679
00:34:39,903 --> 00:34:41,949
I think.
Guys, not a language class.
680
00:34:41,992 --> 00:34:43,429
Oh, let's get back
to our lesson.
681
00:34:43,472 --> 00:34:45,039
What did you guys take
from that Jerry video?
682
00:34:45,083 --> 00:34:47,259
His voice sounds
nasal and strange.
683
00:34:47,302 --> 00:34:49,130
Well, I liked it.
684
00:34:49,174 --> 00:34:52,133
I liked the punch lines.
It seems like he thought
a lot about 'em.
685
00:34:52,177 --> 00:34:53,787
Yeah.
686
00:34:53,830 --> 00:34:55,963
That's a good
observation, bugg.
687
00:34:56,006 --> 00:34:58,661
Here's one of his classics.
688
00:34:58,705 --> 00:35:03,318
"Men want from their underwear
the same thing they want
from their women--
689
00:35:03,362 --> 00:35:06,582
a little bit of support
and a little bit of freedom."
690
00:35:08,236 --> 00:35:10,325
I saw that.
691
00:35:10,369 --> 00:35:13,372
I saw that, miss liao.
You liked that one
didn't you?
692
00:35:13,415 --> 00:35:16,375
I didn't know the communists
were fans of freedom.
693
00:35:16,418 --> 00:35:19,769
I have pretty underwear.
Target.
694
00:35:19,813 --> 00:35:22,163
-Oh.
695
00:35:22,207 --> 00:35:24,644
Okay, well,
let's not show anybody,
all right?
696
00:35:24,687 --> 00:35:26,646
Anybody else want to
talk about their underwear?
697
00:35:26,689 --> 00:35:28,169
Oh, I'm so gonna
get fired.
698
00:35:28,213 --> 00:35:30,128
All right, let's start
the lesson.
699
00:35:34,567 --> 00:35:37,613
How do you not get
scared up there
700
00:35:37,657 --> 00:35:40,094
when everybody's
judging you?
701
00:35:40,138 --> 00:35:43,228
Believe me,
you're scared.
702
00:35:43,271 --> 00:35:46,579
Absolutely terrified.
703
00:35:46,622 --> 00:35:50,583
But, you know, you gotta
learn to use that fear.
704
00:35:50,626 --> 00:35:52,585
You know
how moms can, like,
705
00:35:52,628 --> 00:35:55,240
lift a car off
of their kids?
706
00:35:55,283 --> 00:35:57,198
Same thing when
you're on stage, man.
707
00:35:57,242 --> 00:35:59,548
When you're a comedian,
it's kill or be killed.
708
00:35:59,592 --> 00:36:02,943
How'd you get started
doing this?
709
00:36:02,986 --> 00:36:04,988
I just needed something
to make myself feel better
710
00:36:05,032 --> 00:36:06,294
after my parents
got divorced.
711
00:36:06,338 --> 00:36:08,427
Yeah, my folks
got divorced too.
712
00:36:08,470 --> 00:36:10,646
Yeah, pretty common.
713
00:36:10,690 --> 00:36:13,736
That's it, though.
714
00:36:13,780 --> 00:36:15,129
My folks divorce
messed me up.
715
00:36:15,173 --> 00:36:16,696
That's what drove me
into the military.
716
00:36:16,739 --> 00:36:18,872
Yeah, I couldn't get in.
717
00:36:18,915 --> 00:36:22,310
-Too manly.
718
00:36:22,354 --> 00:36:23,659
All right, let's get
back to the lesson--
719
00:36:23,703 --> 00:36:27,881
you know, we're kinda
experts on pain.
720
00:36:27,924 --> 00:36:29,448
That's all we face,
right?
721
00:36:31,276 --> 00:36:34,061
There's always
something more.
722
00:36:34,104 --> 00:36:35,715
Tell us.
723
00:36:39,762 --> 00:36:41,590
You guys want to
hear a story?
724
00:36:45,377 --> 00:36:51,165
One night, after
my mother passed out...
725
00:36:51,209 --> 00:36:54,647
I went into the bathroom
and took about 20 pills.
726
00:36:57,345 --> 00:37:00,957
Apparently that's
not enough...
727
00:37:01,001 --> 00:37:03,917
Because I woke up...
728
00:37:03,960 --> 00:37:07,312
In the long beach center
for mental health.
729
00:37:07,355 --> 00:37:10,228
I was there
for six months.
730
00:37:12,882 --> 00:37:16,538
That place
is terrible.
731
00:37:16,582 --> 00:37:19,889
Take the glass
out of the mirrors,
732
00:37:19,933 --> 00:37:24,242
so you don't
kill yourself.
733
00:37:24,285 --> 00:37:27,027
Food is terrible.
734
00:37:27,070 --> 00:37:30,117
Jesus, Oliver,
you would be so
disappointed
735
00:37:30,160 --> 00:37:32,075
in what they call
chicken salad there.
736
00:37:37,603 --> 00:37:39,866
All right...
737
00:37:39,909 --> 00:37:42,085
How about we learn
some comedy, huh?
738
00:37:45,741 --> 00:37:48,744
Hey.
hey, buddy.
739
00:37:48,788 --> 00:37:50,746
Hey, man.
740
00:37:50,790 --> 00:37:52,487
Hey, that was...
741
00:37:52,531 --> 00:37:55,360
That was really cool of you
to share that with us today.
742
00:37:55,403 --> 00:37:58,232
What's a little story
about being institutionalized
among friends?
743
00:37:58,276 --> 00:38:01,496
Goes a long way,
trust me.
744
00:38:01,540 --> 00:38:02,976
Thanks.
745
00:38:07,546 --> 00:38:09,069
Oh, uh--
oh, yes.
746
00:38:09,112 --> 00:38:10,549
We were gonna go over
your jokes today, right?
747
00:38:10,592 --> 00:38:13,639
-Sure.
748
00:38:14,640 --> 00:38:16,337
You don't, um...
749
00:38:16,381 --> 00:38:18,121
You don't
have your notebook
with you today.
750
00:38:18,165 --> 00:38:21,777
-The notebook that
you write in
751
00:38:21,821 --> 00:38:23,736
after every class?
752
00:38:23,779 --> 00:38:25,738
Yeah, I just must've
forgot it, okay?
753
00:38:25,781 --> 00:38:27,392
It's not about me.
Come on, hit me.
754
00:38:28,741 --> 00:38:29,872
All right.
755
00:38:29,916 --> 00:38:31,657
Um... okay.
Okay, all right.
756
00:38:31,700 --> 00:38:33,049
Hit me.
Find a good one.
757
00:38:33,093 --> 00:38:34,268
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You gonna like this one.
758
00:38:34,312 --> 00:38:35,835
This is the one?
All right.
759
00:38:35,878 --> 00:38:38,011
Okay.
760
00:38:38,054 --> 00:38:41,841
"One cool thing about
being schizophrenic is
761
00:38:41,884 --> 00:38:44,931
you never
have to be alone.
762
00:38:44,974 --> 00:38:47,629
There's always another
voice to talk to
in your head."
763
00:38:48,978 --> 00:38:52,330
Okay.
764
00:38:52,373 --> 00:38:54,375
That sucked.
765
00:38:54,419 --> 00:38:56,421
I-- I got--
i got a better one--
766
00:38:56,464 --> 00:38:57,683
it didn't suck.
767
00:38:57,726 --> 00:39:00,425
You're just not
in the moment right now.
768
00:39:00,468 --> 00:39:02,252
I got an idea,
come on.
769
00:39:03,471 --> 00:39:05,299
Follow me.
770
00:39:06,779 --> 00:39:08,389
Try your joke
with the ball.
771
00:39:09,477 --> 00:39:11,479
-Yeah, yeah.
772
00:39:11,523 --> 00:39:14,526
It keeps you
out of your head.
Trust me, it works.
773
00:39:14,569 --> 00:39:17,267
I used to play
in garry shandling's
pick-up games.
774
00:39:17,311 --> 00:39:19,400
You know a lot
of famous people?
775
00:39:19,444 --> 00:39:20,967
Hmm.
I've been to their houses.
776
00:39:21,010 --> 00:39:25,363
-Oh! nice!
777
00:39:30,933 --> 00:39:32,239
You're terrible
at basketball.
778
00:39:32,282 --> 00:39:34,894
-Soccer's more my thing.
779
00:39:34,937 --> 00:39:36,374
No.
780
00:39:38,767 --> 00:39:41,291
Just relax.
We got all day.
781
00:39:41,335 --> 00:39:42,815
We got all day, okay?
782
00:39:42,858 --> 00:39:46,427
Just you,
the ball, the hoop.
783
00:39:46,471 --> 00:39:49,125
One of the great things about
being schizophrenic is
784
00:39:49,169 --> 00:39:50,736
you never have to be alone.
785
00:39:50,779 --> 00:39:54,870
There's always another voice
to talk to in your head.
786
00:39:56,568 --> 00:40:00,354
Especially if one of
those voices is a girl.
787
00:40:00,398 --> 00:40:01,747
That's right.
788
00:40:01,790 --> 00:40:04,619
One of the voices
in my head
789
00:40:04,663 --> 00:40:07,143
is a girl.
790
00:40:07,187 --> 00:40:08,928
You know how many times
a day I hit on myself?
791
00:40:08,971 --> 00:40:11,670
-12.
792
00:40:11,713 --> 00:40:12,758
So much better.
793
00:40:14,499 --> 00:40:16,457
Hey, can I ask you
something?
794
00:40:16,501 --> 00:40:18,720
-Why are you working
so hard at this?
795
00:40:18,764 --> 00:40:22,332
I know touring comics
that don't put in
this much time.
796
00:40:22,376 --> 00:40:25,161
My mom wants
to come see me.
797
00:40:25,205 --> 00:40:27,250
I want...
798
00:40:27,294 --> 00:40:29,427
Trina to see me
tell jokes.
799
00:40:31,298 --> 00:40:34,649
We've been through
a lot.
800
00:40:34,693 --> 00:40:39,088
Just want her to be
proud of me again.
801
00:40:39,132 --> 00:40:41,134
Let's get you
on stage, kid.
802
00:41:05,550 --> 00:41:08,074
-Let's get
this put away.
-Okay.
803
00:41:10,903 --> 00:41:12,818
Thanks for
listening today.
804
00:41:12,861 --> 00:41:14,689
Hey,
no problem, man.
805
00:41:16,561 --> 00:41:18,693
How long you been
having episodes?
806
00:41:26,440 --> 00:41:29,661
About a year now.
807
00:41:29,704 --> 00:41:33,360
I was getting good grades
up at Cal poly
808
00:41:33,403 --> 00:41:37,495
when... I started
seeing ghosts.
809
00:41:37,538 --> 00:41:40,454
Really fucked me up.
810
00:41:40,498 --> 00:41:41,803
We don't have to talk
about this.
811
00:41:41,847 --> 00:41:45,024
No, I need to
talk about it.
812
00:41:45,067 --> 00:41:46,678
-Okay.
-when it happened,
813
00:41:46,721 --> 00:41:51,509
I'd...
shake so hard...
814
00:41:51,552 --> 00:41:56,731
That my friends would call me
"polaroid picture."
815
00:41:57,993 --> 00:41:59,995
Like in that
outkast song?
816
00:42:02,432 --> 00:42:04,522
'Cause I'd do this.
817
00:42:09,135 --> 00:42:11,441
Piss in my pants, too.
818
00:42:14,096 --> 00:42:16,621
Never told anybody that.
819
00:42:16,664 --> 00:42:18,710
That's fucked up.
I'm sorry, man.
820
00:42:18,753 --> 00:42:20,494
-I know, you just
met me, man.
-Stop.
821
00:42:20,538 --> 00:42:22,714
Dude, stop.
822
00:42:22,757 --> 00:42:25,804
It's totally cool.
823
00:42:25,847 --> 00:42:28,676
You're doing
better now, right?
824
00:42:28,720 --> 00:42:30,591
You got it
under control.
825
00:42:33,159 --> 00:42:36,597
Yeah... yeah,
things are good now.
826
00:42:39,513 --> 00:42:41,471
Let's get this
put away.
827
00:42:54,354 --> 00:42:57,226
You were supposed
to be here an hour ago!
828
00:42:57,270 --> 00:42:58,967
I'm on my way.
829
00:43:08,934 --> 00:43:11,676
Thank you.
830
00:43:11,719 --> 00:43:13,242
You think you might
want to smoke less?
831
00:43:13,286 --> 00:43:15,027
No, asshole.
832
00:43:15,070 --> 00:43:17,246
Your father used to
ask me that all the time.
833
00:43:17,290 --> 00:43:19,509
What, are you gonna
leave me over that, too?
834
00:43:19,553 --> 00:43:21,207
Please don't talk
like that.
835
00:43:21,250 --> 00:43:23,296
Well, if you were here more
often I wouldn't have to.
836
00:43:23,339 --> 00:43:26,212
Jesus, I'm here
three nights a week.
837
00:43:26,255 --> 00:43:27,953
How can you say that?
838
00:43:27,996 --> 00:43:30,564
Here, come sit with me.
839
00:43:34,916 --> 00:43:39,747
I'll make popcorn,
heavy with butter,
just the way you like it.
840
00:43:39,791 --> 00:43:42,097
What am I, ten?
841
00:43:42,141 --> 00:43:45,187
You think I'm not
good enough for you?
842
00:43:45,231 --> 00:43:48,277
Look, I brought you groceries.
I'll be back Monday.
843
00:43:48,321 --> 00:43:51,411
You think you're
better than Hanna?
844
00:43:51,454 --> 00:43:52,934
I was at the top.
845
00:43:52,978 --> 00:43:54,936
I sacrificed my entire
career for you!
846
00:43:54,980 --> 00:43:56,372
I could've aborted you!
847
00:43:56,416 --> 00:44:00,028
Don't talk to me
like that.
848
00:44:00,072 --> 00:44:01,726
And don't bother Vanessa
anymore either, okay?
849
00:44:01,769 --> 00:44:03,684
Or I'm not gonna
bring you shit.
850
00:44:11,518 --> 00:44:13,607
Oh.
851
00:44:20,527 --> 00:44:23,573
It's Sunday.
Aren't you supposed
to be with Hanna?
852
00:44:23,617 --> 00:44:25,140
Didn't feel like it.
853
00:44:25,184 --> 00:44:27,099
I'd rather be here
with you.
854
00:44:28,709 --> 00:44:31,146
Thank you.
855
00:44:31,190 --> 00:44:33,671
-Darryl's pizza
emporium.
856
00:44:33,714 --> 00:44:35,542
Your favorite.
857
00:44:35,585 --> 00:44:38,458
It is my favorite.
858
00:44:38,501 --> 00:44:40,547
Thank you.
859
00:44:44,464 --> 00:44:47,989
You know, I turns out
I'm not that hungry.
860
00:44:48,033 --> 00:44:49,643
Me neither.
861
00:44:51,253 --> 00:44:52,951
Is it kinky
to have sex with
a pregnant woman?
862
00:44:52,994 --> 00:44:55,040
I'm in a kinky
kind of mood.
863
00:45:25,635 --> 00:45:27,812
That's actually
pretty good.
864
00:45:34,775 --> 00:45:36,298
That your daughter?
865
00:45:36,342 --> 00:45:38,692
-Whoa, whoa!
866
00:46:02,890 --> 00:46:05,284
You know, you're actually
kind of pretty.
867
00:46:05,327 --> 00:46:07,460
Don't tell Vanessa.
868
00:46:07,503 --> 00:46:09,636
I'm not pretty at all.
869
00:46:10,637 --> 00:46:11,986
You are.
870
00:46:12,030 --> 00:46:14,946
You just hide it.
871
00:46:14,989 --> 00:46:18,732
Me, I'm undeniably ugly,
so I can't do that.
872
00:46:19,864 --> 00:46:22,170
Daughter's pretty, too.
873
00:46:22,214 --> 00:46:23,781
Thank you.
874
00:46:25,347 --> 00:46:27,785
Sure she misses you.
875
00:46:31,179 --> 00:46:33,529
You know...
876
00:46:33,573 --> 00:46:35,488
You and I have
something in common.
877
00:46:35,531 --> 00:46:37,751
What?
878
00:46:40,014 --> 00:46:41,624
"Tong."
879
00:46:46,194 --> 00:46:49,719
I don't hit my head,
because I don't want it
ruin my pretty face.
880
00:46:49,763 --> 00:46:52,679
So you think I'm pretty?
881
00:46:54,159 --> 00:46:56,726
Pretty ugly.
882
00:46:58,598 --> 00:47:00,034
So how's everything
going with the group?
883
00:47:00,078 --> 00:47:01,949
You know,
they've grown on me.
884
00:47:01,993 --> 00:47:04,604
Well, now you've got
a feel for the place,
885
00:47:04,647 --> 00:47:07,128
I want to tell you my plans
about your workshop.
886
00:47:08,608 --> 00:47:12,177
Stand-up comedy
is like public speaking.
887
00:47:12,220 --> 00:47:14,266
I want your students
to finish your class
888
00:47:14,309 --> 00:47:18,052
with a speech entitled,
"who am I?"
889
00:47:18,096 --> 00:47:20,489
-Sounds exciting.
-No, no, I'm serious.
890
00:47:20,533 --> 00:47:22,709
Comedy can build confidence,
don't you think?
891
00:47:22,752 --> 00:47:25,930
Yes, it just...
Sounds a little academic.
892
00:47:25,973 --> 00:47:28,497
Repeat after me--
893
00:47:28,541 --> 00:47:30,586
who am I?
894
00:47:33,198 --> 00:47:34,852
Who am I?
895
00:47:34,895 --> 00:47:37,419
Who am I?
896
00:47:37,463 --> 00:47:38,986
Who am I?
897
00:47:39,030 --> 00:47:41,075
Who am I?
898
00:47:41,119 --> 00:47:43,251
"Who am I?"
899
00:47:43,295 --> 00:47:45,558
It's not a request,
buddy.
900
00:47:48,039 --> 00:47:49,736
I do not get
this guy.
901
00:47:49,779 --> 00:47:52,652
"
-that's lame.
902
00:47:52,695 --> 00:47:54,088
Agreed.
903
00:47:54,132 --> 00:47:55,698
We already know
who we are.
904
00:47:55,742 --> 00:47:58,136
A bunch of
anxiety-ridden crazies.
905
00:47:58,179 --> 00:48:00,834
Hey, guys, come on.
Be nice to yourselves.
906
00:48:00,878 --> 00:48:02,227
You're not crazy.
907
00:48:02,270 --> 00:48:04,925
I mean, you are, Zoe.
908
00:48:04,969 --> 00:48:07,058
Oh, sorry.
Just a joke.
909
00:48:07,101 --> 00:48:08,407
Everything okay?
910
00:48:08,450 --> 00:48:10,888
Yeah. what are you
looking at?
911
00:48:10,931 --> 00:48:12,890
Your class sucks.
912
00:48:15,022 --> 00:48:16,937
Anyway--
look, guys,
913
00:48:16,981 --> 00:48:19,113
I get that this
assignment is lame.
914
00:48:19,157 --> 00:48:21,986
But come on, let's turn
a negative into a positive.
915
00:48:22,029 --> 00:48:25,511
I think I got
a way to give Tyson
exactly what he wants,
916
00:48:25,554 --> 00:48:27,643
but better.
917
00:48:27,687 --> 00:48:31,560
I'm gonna teach you guys
the biggest secret
of comedy.
918
00:48:31,604 --> 00:48:35,564
It's called "pp."
919
00:48:35,608 --> 00:48:36,696
Like pee
920
00:48:36,739 --> 00:48:39,873
yes!
Oliver with the joke!
921
00:48:39,917 --> 00:48:42,832
Did not realize
he made a joke, okay.
922
00:48:42,876 --> 00:48:45,183
Yes, like pp.
923
00:48:45,226 --> 00:48:49,056
Once you master the two ps,
you will know exactly
who the hell you are.
924
00:48:49,100 --> 00:48:51,319
Who the fuck do you
think you are, huh?
925
00:48:51,363 --> 00:48:53,626
You think you're
"captain, my captain"?
926
00:48:53,669 --> 00:48:55,410
You think you're
gonna save us?
927
00:48:55,454 --> 00:48:58,544
Get the hell
out of my face.
928
00:48:58,587 --> 00:49:00,154
-Zoe.
929
00:49:00,198 --> 00:49:02,896
Shut up.
930
00:49:02,940 --> 00:49:04,811
Whatever.
931
00:49:11,078 --> 00:49:12,862
I want to learn
about pp.
932
00:49:12,906 --> 00:49:14,560
Me, too.
933
00:49:16,040 --> 00:49:18,912
You guys have
such refined taste.
934
00:49:18,956 --> 00:49:22,350
Good comedy, guys?
Honest comedy?
935
00:49:22,394 --> 00:49:25,440
It's "painful"
and it's "personal."
936
00:49:25,484 --> 00:49:27,660
You gotta dig deep, guys.
937
00:49:27,703 --> 00:49:31,055
You gotta get to that stuff
that people can relate to.
938
00:49:31,098 --> 00:49:33,971
Anybody have a personal story
they want to share?
939
00:49:39,715 --> 00:49:41,630
You guys know
I'll wait.
940
00:49:43,284 --> 00:49:45,286
Hell, yeah.
941
00:49:48,637 --> 00:49:50,465
Well, before
i got discharged,
942
00:49:50,509 --> 00:49:52,250
I actually
got quarantined.
943
00:49:52,293 --> 00:49:53,860
The only thing
that got me through
944
00:49:53,903 --> 00:49:55,993
was there was this British
soldier named Winston.
945
00:49:56,036 --> 00:49:59,387
He was paralyzed and he was
dying from a shrapnel injury.
946
00:49:59,431 --> 00:50:01,911
I thought this
was supposed to be
a funny story.
947
00:50:01,955 --> 00:50:03,565
Zoe, quiet.
948
00:50:05,045 --> 00:50:07,743
Anyway, he never lost
his sense of humor.
949
00:50:07,787 --> 00:50:11,051
He'd wake up every
morning and he'd go,
950
00:50:11,095 --> 00:50:12,879
you know, Elliot?
951
00:50:12,922 --> 00:50:15,403
I look 'round here,
all these young men
952
00:50:15,447 --> 00:50:16,970
dyin' for their country,
953
00:50:17,014 --> 00:50:20,495
and you know what I find
really moving?
954
00:50:20,539 --> 00:50:21,801
Everything but my legs."
955
00:50:24,064 --> 00:50:25,761
That was awesome.
956
00:50:25,805 --> 00:50:27,328
Thank you.
957
00:50:27,372 --> 00:50:29,591
All right, who's next?
958
00:50:34,379 --> 00:50:38,905
When I was a kid,
i was afraid of everything--
959
00:50:38,948 --> 00:50:41,429
roller coasters,
the dentist,
960
00:50:41,473 --> 00:50:44,215
my reflection.
961
00:50:44,258 --> 00:50:47,044
I didn't brush my teeth
in front of the bathroom mirror
until I was 23.
962
00:50:48,349 --> 00:50:50,699
I mean, I was afraid
to masturbate
963
00:50:50,743 --> 00:50:52,310
until I took myself
on a date first.
964
00:50:54,007 --> 00:50:56,575
Nice!
went a little dark.
965
00:50:56,618 --> 00:50:58,185
Good work, bugg.
966
00:51:00,144 --> 00:51:02,146
All right, let's go
to the next lesson.
967
00:51:33,916 --> 00:51:36,876
Now get outta here.
I'll see you tomorrow.
968
00:51:36,919 --> 00:51:39,357
Bye, Zoe.
Bye, miss liao.
969
00:51:43,665 --> 00:51:45,798
What, can't get
enough of me?
970
00:51:50,150 --> 00:51:51,978
What are you
lookin' at?
971
00:51:54,023 --> 00:51:56,156
A computer screen.
972
00:51:56,200 --> 00:51:58,767
I'm im-ing my fianceée,
is that okay?
973
00:51:58,811 --> 00:52:00,465
Ah, yeah.
974
00:52:03,424 --> 00:52:05,687
Everything okay?
975
00:52:09,561 --> 00:52:12,912
"Flowergirl81."
is that her?
976
00:52:12,955 --> 00:52:15,175
Yeah.
977
00:52:15,219 --> 00:52:17,525
What kind of name
is "flowergirl81"?
978
00:52:17,569 --> 00:52:19,440
It's a good name.
979
00:52:21,877 --> 00:52:24,402
What are you doing
im
980
00:52:24,445 --> 00:52:27,709
women need
love and affection...
981
00:52:27,753 --> 00:52:30,190
I think.
982
00:52:30,234 --> 00:52:32,279
You're not
in Afghanistan anymore.
983
00:52:32,323 --> 00:52:34,107
No, I'm going to
an anxiety workshop
984
00:52:34,151 --> 00:52:35,848
in koreatown
five days a week.
985
00:52:35,891 --> 00:52:38,285
Yeah.
986
00:52:38,329 --> 00:52:40,635
And you're doing
really good.
987
00:52:40,679 --> 00:52:42,768
Hell of a cockney accent.
988
00:52:45,118 --> 00:52:47,076
When's the last time
you saw her?
989
00:52:48,730 --> 00:52:50,906
A while.
990
00:52:53,561 --> 00:52:56,085
Let me try something.
991
00:52:56,129 --> 00:52:58,087
What are you doing?
Are you serious?
992
00:52:58,131 --> 00:52:59,480
Trust me.
993
00:53:06,966 --> 00:53:08,707
What the hell is that?
994
00:53:08,750 --> 00:53:11,231
It's a joke.
Look, I know,
995
00:53:11,275 --> 00:53:13,538
it's not my best,
but it's serviceable.
996
00:53:21,372 --> 00:53:23,939
See?
997
00:53:23,983 --> 00:53:26,028
Serviceable.
998
00:53:29,597 --> 00:53:31,643
Feel free to leave
a message.
999
00:53:31,686 --> 00:53:35,342
I probably won't
listen to it.
Namaste.
1000
00:53:35,386 --> 00:53:37,997
Stephan!
hey, it's buddy.
1001
00:53:38,040 --> 00:53:40,826
Very excited about the jubilee,
thank you again.
1002
00:53:40,869 --> 00:53:42,784
I tweaked my set a bit.
1003
00:53:42,828 --> 00:53:45,047
Probably not doing that stuff
about the crazy people,
1004
00:53:45,091 --> 00:53:48,703
so... yeah.
But I will see you soon.
1005
00:53:55,710 --> 00:53:57,277
Buddy, I need you.
1006
00:53:57,321 --> 00:53:59,105
Where are you?
1007
00:53:59,148 --> 00:54:01,063
Come on, ma,
let's go home.
Let's go home.
1008
00:54:01,107 --> 00:54:02,630
That's the last time.
1009
00:54:02,674 --> 00:54:04,241
She's not allowed
back in here.
1010
00:54:04,284 --> 00:54:05,807
Fuck off, you cunt.
1011
00:54:05,851 --> 00:54:07,287
Do you know
who the hell I am?
1012
00:54:07,331 --> 00:54:10,072
Yeah, I keep telling you--
a has-been bitch.
1013
00:54:10,116 --> 00:54:12,205
-Fuck you!
-Okay, cut that
shit out.
1014
00:54:12,249 --> 00:54:14,120
-We're leaving.
-Yeah, get her
outta here.
1015
00:54:14,163 --> 00:54:15,774
-Fuck you, douchebag.
-Yeah, yeah, start
walking, buddy.
1016
00:54:15,817 --> 00:54:17,558
Okay, we are, we are.
1017
00:54:17,602 --> 00:54:19,821
Ma, turn around!
1018
00:54:19,865 --> 00:54:22,215
Fuck him.
I'm Hanna bales.
1019
00:54:22,259 --> 00:54:24,478
Does he know
I'm Hanna bales?
1020
00:54:24,522 --> 00:54:26,698
I think he's aware
of it, mom.
1021
00:54:28,134 --> 00:54:29,875
What the hell
were you thinking?
1022
00:54:29,918 --> 00:54:31,920
Schwartz
can eat my shit.
1023
00:54:31,964 --> 00:54:34,358
Four sold-out nights,
god damn it.
1024
00:54:34,401 --> 00:54:37,535
I wrote for him.
He owes me.
1025
00:54:39,232 --> 00:54:41,408
Let's get you
cleaned up.
1026
00:54:58,382 --> 00:54:59,948
You feel better?
1027
00:54:59,992 --> 00:55:01,950
We're never going back
to that shithole.
1028
00:55:01,994 --> 00:55:04,039
Actually, I'm going
back tomorrow.
1029
00:55:04,083 --> 00:55:06,477
I got into the jubilee.
1030
00:55:06,520 --> 00:55:08,435
Thank you for
the great setup.
1031
00:55:08,479 --> 00:55:10,959
How did you get
that gig?
1032
00:55:11,003 --> 00:55:13,484
I don't know,
i wrote some new jokes.
1033
00:55:13,527 --> 00:55:15,529
Are you trying
to leave me?
1034
00:55:15,573 --> 00:55:17,357
Ma, I'm not leaving you.
1035
00:55:17,401 --> 00:55:19,011
I think you're
leaving me alone,
you son of a bitch,
1036
00:55:19,054 --> 00:55:21,274
-you dickhead.
-Stop it,
that's my book.
1037
00:55:21,318 --> 00:55:22,536
Here's what I think
of your jokes.
1038
00:55:22,580 --> 00:55:24,321
Ma, stop it!
1039
00:55:24,364 --> 00:55:26,758
This is the queen.
You owe the queen.
1040
00:55:29,587 --> 00:55:32,024
I was an idiot to think
you'd ever be proud of me.
1041
00:55:32,067 --> 00:55:34,243
Oh, fuck you.
1042
00:55:34,287 --> 00:55:36,507
Hmm.
1043
00:55:54,176 --> 00:55:56,353
Yeah, knuckles can
take care of that.
1044
00:55:57,745 --> 00:56:00,182
-Stephan.
-I'll call you back.
1045
00:56:00,226 --> 00:56:02,359
Ignore my message.
I'm not changing the set.
1046
00:56:02,402 --> 00:56:05,187
You change the set, buddy,
you're out of the jubilee.
1047
00:56:05,231 --> 00:56:07,929
I'm sorry,
it was a dumb idea.
1048
00:56:07,973 --> 00:56:09,975
We're good with
dark and compelling?
1049
00:56:12,717 --> 00:56:15,110
Namaste.
1050
00:56:15,154 --> 00:56:16,808
I think we might be
able to get there early,
get some good seats.
1051
00:56:16,851 --> 00:56:18,331
All right, all right.
1052
00:56:18,375 --> 00:56:20,289
Anybody have any jokes
they want to workshop?
1053
00:56:20,333 --> 00:56:21,421
I don't have a lot
of time today.
1054
00:56:21,465 --> 00:56:22,727
Whoa, what's
the rush, dude?
1055
00:56:22,770 --> 00:56:24,729
Got someplace to be?
1056
00:56:24,772 --> 00:56:28,036
-We heard you have a show.
1057
00:56:28,080 --> 00:56:29,298
I don't know what
you're talking about.
1058
00:56:29,342 --> 00:56:31,083
Ah, don't be shy, dude.
1059
00:56:31,126 --> 00:56:32,998
We know about
the jubilee.
1060
00:56:33,041 --> 00:56:35,392
The asshole
is famous now.
1061
00:56:35,435 --> 00:56:36,958
Vanessa told us
all about it.
1062
00:56:37,002 --> 00:56:38,090
That was nice of her.
1063
00:56:38,133 --> 00:56:39,831
We want to come
see you, man.
1064
00:56:39,874 --> 00:56:41,659
No, no, sorry.
I don't think so.
1065
00:56:41,702 --> 00:56:42,964
You should be happy.
1066
00:56:43,008 --> 00:56:45,097
I always wanted to be
a star in China.
1067
00:56:45,140 --> 00:56:47,012
Great. why don't you
keep that Jackie chan dream
to yourself, okay?
1068
00:56:47,055 --> 00:56:49,928
Oh, the funny guy afwaid to
perform for his fwiends?
1069
00:56:49,971 --> 00:56:51,669
Come on, let us
come see you, man.
1070
00:56:51,712 --> 00:56:53,540
Look, guys,
i told you no.
1071
00:56:53,584 --> 00:56:55,760
-We're gonna see you.
1072
00:56:55,803 --> 00:56:57,022
'Cause I don't
want you to come.
1073
00:56:57,065 --> 00:56:58,458
'Cause it's
not appropriate.
1074
00:56:58,502 --> 00:57:00,460
You're students.
You're not gonna come see--
1075
00:57:00,504 --> 00:57:02,462
you know what, no.
It's a violation of
how we should interact
1076
00:57:02,506 --> 00:57:05,117
as teachers--
you know what, guys?
You know what?
1077
00:57:05,160 --> 00:57:06,945
Really short class
today, okay?
1078
00:57:09,556 --> 00:57:11,645
What's with the stick
up his ass?
1079
00:57:11,689 --> 00:57:14,953
It's just stage fright.
What do you think?
1080
00:57:14,996 --> 00:57:17,042
We will go see him.
It's decided.
1081
00:57:17,085 --> 00:57:19,218
Wait, I'm not decided.
1082
00:57:20,567 --> 00:57:22,003
Okay, I'm decided.
1083
00:57:22,047 --> 00:57:24,223
I've decided
you're not going.
1084
00:57:24,266 --> 00:57:26,355
Let me go talk to him.
1085
00:57:28,009 --> 00:57:30,708
Buddy? hey.
1086
00:57:30,751 --> 00:57:32,666
Hey.
1087
00:57:32,710 --> 00:57:37,149
-Yeah. I got a lot
on my mind.
1088
00:57:37,192 --> 00:57:39,499
Well, listen.
Thanks for your help
yesterday.
1089
00:57:39,543 --> 00:57:42,371
I really appreciate it.
1090
00:57:42,415 --> 00:57:44,199
You're welcome.
1091
00:57:44,243 --> 00:57:47,028
The assignment,
"who am I?"
1092
00:57:47,072 --> 00:57:49,944
Tyson's homework.
You want to do that now.
1093
00:57:49,988 --> 00:57:52,556
Hey, I got a 4.0
at csun, man.
1094
00:57:52,599 --> 00:57:55,559
Highest-scoring officer
in Phoenix battalion.
1095
00:57:55,602 --> 00:57:57,125
Not for dancing.
1096
00:57:57,169 --> 00:57:58,649
No, I've come up
with a thesis, man.
1097
00:57:58,692 --> 00:57:59,737
I just need
an example from you.
1098
00:57:59,780 --> 00:58:02,348
-Yeah.
1099
00:58:02,391 --> 00:58:05,525
I'm a comedian, man.
That's all.
1100
00:58:16,275 --> 00:58:20,888
There is an Asian woman there
who is covered in cuts.
1101
00:58:24,631 --> 00:58:27,025
Hey. just gotta take a quick
shower before the show--
1102
00:58:27,068 --> 00:58:30,028
what the hell is this?
1103
00:58:30,071 --> 00:58:32,421
-It's nothing.
-That's you talking
about my group.
1104
00:58:32,465 --> 00:58:34,206
Baby, it's just
some jokes.
1105
00:58:34,249 --> 00:58:36,861
Is this the stuff
you're gonna do at
the jubilee?
1106
00:58:36,904 --> 00:58:39,211
You're exploiting them.
1107
00:58:39,254 --> 00:58:41,648
You're exploiting them.
You said you liked them.
1108
00:58:41,692 --> 00:58:43,128
Honey, I do like them.
1109
00:58:43,171 --> 00:58:45,347
Look, this is just
some bullshit.
1110
00:58:45,391 --> 00:58:47,654
You can't-- you can't
hurt them like this.
1111
00:58:47,698 --> 00:58:49,917
They can't take it.
They trust you!
1112
00:58:49,961 --> 00:58:51,658
They should trust me.
1113
00:58:51,702 --> 00:58:53,965
I can belie--
i don't believe you.
1114
00:58:54,008 --> 00:58:56,489
-I have to call Tyson.
-No, you don't.
No, you don't.
1115
00:58:56,533 --> 00:58:57,882
Stop!
1116
00:59:00,667 --> 00:59:02,843
Honey, no, no.
Let go.
1117
00:59:02,887 --> 00:59:04,976
-What the fuck
do you care?
-Let go.
1118
00:59:05,019 --> 00:59:06,934
Let go.
1119
00:59:06,978 --> 00:59:08,545
They're not good for you.
1120
00:59:08,588 --> 00:59:11,112
They're not good
for the baby, okay?
1121
00:59:12,461 --> 00:59:15,726
Are you still
gonna do those jokes?
1122
00:59:15,769 --> 00:59:17,945
I don't know.
1123
00:59:32,003 --> 00:59:33,787
Buddy.
namaste.
1124
00:59:33,831 --> 00:59:36,094
Hey.
what's the order?
1125
00:59:36,137 --> 00:59:38,270
Don't you want to
check out the catering?
1126
00:59:38,313 --> 00:59:41,055
We got gluten-free nutmeg
from Gandhi's tandoori.
1127
00:59:41,099 --> 00:59:43,057
Isn't all nutmeg
gluten
1128
00:59:43,101 --> 00:59:44,755
it's Gandhi's nutmeg.
1129
00:59:44,798 --> 00:59:47,671
Hey, look, can you just
tell me when I go up?
1130
00:59:47,714 --> 00:59:50,412
I got four bookers
out here for you, buddy.
1131
00:59:50,456 --> 00:59:53,024
-Yeah.
1132
00:59:53,067 --> 00:59:56,070
Yes. I'll be
in the green room.
1133
00:59:56,114 --> 00:59:58,116
Go get 'em.
1134
00:59:59,465 --> 01:00:02,947
Hey. don't suck
tonight, okay?
1135
01:00:08,605 --> 01:00:11,346
Ladies and gentlemen,
put your hands together for
1136
01:00:11,390 --> 01:00:14,045
buddy solitaire!
1137
01:00:21,487 --> 01:00:22,749
Too fanboy?
1138
01:00:22,793 --> 01:00:23,968
No, I can't wait
to see his face.
1139
01:00:24,011 --> 01:00:26,144
You look great.
1140
01:00:38,417 --> 01:00:42,595
I recently took a job
at a psychological
counseling center.
1141
01:00:42,639 --> 01:00:45,946
I teach stand-up
to the insane.
1142
01:00:49,733 --> 01:00:51,473
Everything okay?
1143
01:00:51,517 --> 01:00:53,911
I left my medication
at home.
1144
01:00:53,954 --> 01:00:55,739
When were you
supposed to take it?
1145
01:00:55,782 --> 01:00:58,002
About an hour ago?
1146
01:00:58,045 --> 01:01:01,179
I'll be fine, guys.
Gonna have a good time.
1147
01:01:01,222 --> 01:01:04,051
There is a crazy
Asian woman
1148
01:01:04,095 --> 01:01:06,750
who is covered in cuts.
1149
01:01:06,793 --> 01:01:11,145
It looks like she
got into a fight with
100 knife-wielding midgets
1150
01:01:11,189 --> 01:01:12,930
and lost.
1151
01:01:14,671 --> 01:01:17,456
But the absolute
best guy there
1152
01:01:17,499 --> 01:01:21,721
is a schizophrenic
black guy who used
to work at vons.
1153
01:01:21,765 --> 01:01:24,376
Do you understand
how hard that is?
1154
01:01:24,419 --> 01:01:27,858
My 15-year-old cousin
is a general manager
at vons.
1155
01:01:27,901 --> 01:01:31,165
I have seen a baby
run the register
at vons.
1156
01:01:31,209 --> 01:01:34,473
It is nearly impossible
to get fired from vons,
1157
01:01:34,516 --> 01:01:38,564
but they had to,
because when this guy has
a schizophrenic break,
1158
01:01:38,607 --> 01:01:41,306
he shakes and
then pisses himself.
1159
01:01:41,349 --> 01:01:43,351
Oh!
-yeah. yeah.
1160
01:01:43,395 --> 01:01:47,529
He is like a human
polaroid picture with
a very weak bladder.
1161
01:02:00,804 --> 01:02:03,937
-Yeah, yeah, of course.
1162
01:02:11,423 --> 01:02:13,599
-Get the fuck off me.
1163
01:02:15,906 --> 01:02:17,081
It's not what
it looked like.
1164
01:02:17,124 --> 01:02:18,473
Yeah, then what
the hell was it?
1165
01:02:18,517 --> 01:02:19,779
-Let me talk to bugg.
-Fuck off!
1166
01:02:19,823 --> 01:02:21,259
-No, it's okay.
1167
01:02:21,302 --> 01:02:23,609
-No, no, no, no.
-Don't make fun
of me no more.
1168
01:02:23,652 --> 01:02:25,263
Don't make fun of me.
1169
01:02:25,306 --> 01:02:26,830
Don't touch me!
Don't touch me!
1170
01:02:26,873 --> 01:02:28,657
-Leave him alone!
-Get the fuck off me.
1171
01:02:33,227 --> 01:02:34,838
Hit me again.
1172
01:02:34,881 --> 01:02:36,753
You're fucking crazier
than the rest of us.
1173
01:02:36,796 --> 01:02:38,189
What, "unknown soldier."
1174
01:02:38,232 --> 01:02:40,931
You saving it for
your goddamn fianceée?
1175
01:02:43,890 --> 01:02:46,632
Got something else
to say
1176
01:02:46,675 --> 01:02:48,068
say something else,
funny man.
1177
01:03:11,004 --> 01:03:13,615
Yes, miss Jackson,
yes.
1178
01:03:13,659 --> 01:03:16,357
I totally understand.
We'll wait for your
lawyer's call.
1179
01:03:16,401 --> 01:03:19,099
Thank you.
Bye.
1180
01:03:21,232 --> 01:03:23,321
How is he?
1181
01:03:23,364 --> 01:03:25,410
Bugg's had a seizure.
1182
01:03:27,629 --> 01:03:30,197
Did you know about this?
The show?
1183
01:03:34,158 --> 01:03:35,681
Yeah.
1184
01:04:02,926 --> 01:04:04,971
Hi, uh,
have you seen Vanessa?
1185
01:04:05,015 --> 01:04:07,017
No, she hasn't
been here all day.
1186
01:04:09,846 --> 01:04:11,108
No, no, no, no, no.
1187
01:04:11,151 --> 01:04:12,413
What the hell
are you doing here?
1188
01:04:12,457 --> 01:04:13,893
Just here
to see Vanessa...
1189
01:04:13,937 --> 01:04:16,156
And bugg.
Are they around?
1190
01:04:17,157 --> 01:04:19,246
You have no idea.
1191
01:04:19,290 --> 01:04:22,684
You think everything
revolves around you.
1192
01:04:22,728 --> 01:04:24,643
Don't you?
1193
01:04:25,905 --> 01:04:28,255
Get the hell
outta here.
1194
01:04:32,433 --> 01:04:35,219
Is there anything
i need to prepare?
1195
01:04:39,397 --> 01:04:42,443
Yeah, i-- yes,
i will be there on Monday.
1196
01:04:42,487 --> 01:04:45,229
Yes, okay, thank you.
1197
01:04:45,272 --> 01:04:49,624
Hey. I've been
looking all over for you.
1198
01:04:49,668 --> 01:04:51,061
We should talk.
1199
01:04:51,104 --> 01:04:53,324
I don't think there's
anything to talk about.
1200
01:04:53,367 --> 01:04:55,543
Honey...
1201
01:04:55,587 --> 01:04:58,503
I want to apologize.
1202
01:04:58,546 --> 01:05:00,940
I'm gonna go stay on
my own for a few days.
1203
01:05:03,290 --> 01:05:06,337
Can you tell me what's
happening on Monday?
1204
01:05:08,861 --> 01:05:12,038
I have an appointment.
1205
01:05:12,082 --> 01:05:14,519
For what?
1206
01:05:14,562 --> 01:05:16,042
Vanessa...?
1207
01:05:52,426 --> 01:05:55,908
"Taco truck" isn't staying
with you tonight?
1208
01:05:55,952 --> 01:05:59,825
-No.
-i knew it
wouldn't last.
1209
01:05:59,868 --> 01:06:02,697
Remember, everybody's gonna
turn away from your sorry ass,
1210
01:06:02,741 --> 01:06:05,439
but Hanna darling
will always love you.
1211
01:06:06,701 --> 01:06:08,790
You told me
that already.
1212
01:06:24,110 --> 01:06:25,938
Why do you hate me, mom?
1213
01:06:25,982 --> 01:06:28,593
Don't say that.
I love you.
1214
01:06:33,119 --> 01:06:35,687
You gonna stay
with me tonight?
1215
01:06:37,819 --> 01:06:39,908
-Yeah.
-hmm.
1216
01:07:24,605 --> 01:07:26,781
Hi, mom, hi, dad.
1217
01:07:26,825 --> 01:07:29,045
Stop filming, you little shit.
1218
01:07:29,088 --> 01:07:31,438
Hanna, let him play
with the camera.
1219
01:07:31,482 --> 01:07:34,746
Forget about
the little runt.
1220
01:07:34,789 --> 01:07:39,316
Hanna darling
will always love you.
1221
01:08:18,529 --> 01:08:21,140
Yo, buddy.
1222
01:08:22,881 --> 01:08:24,883
The fuck?
1223
01:08:27,842 --> 01:08:30,018
Buddy!
dude!
1224
01:08:32,847 --> 01:08:35,241
Just exercising, man.
1225
01:08:35,285 --> 01:08:37,635
The fuck is the matter
with you, man?
1226
01:08:38,940 --> 01:08:40,464
Look, I know
it's messed up
1227
01:08:40,507 --> 01:08:43,467
that you got fired
from the counseling center,
1228
01:08:43,510 --> 01:08:45,904
but you got what
you wanted, didn't you?
1229
01:08:47,384 --> 01:08:49,864
Stephan's
representing you.
1230
01:08:49,908 --> 01:08:51,257
Right.
1231
01:08:52,998 --> 01:08:57,089
You want me to call
a doctor, or a shrink?
1232
01:08:57,133 --> 01:09:00,353
Vanessa was gonna have
a baby with me.
1233
01:09:03,182 --> 01:09:05,402
"Was"?
1234
01:09:13,236 --> 01:09:15,499
You need to get back
to what makes you happy.
1235
01:09:15,542 --> 01:09:17,762
And what would that be?
1236
01:09:17,805 --> 01:09:21,157
Honestly...
1237
01:09:21,200 --> 01:09:23,985
You were the happiest
when you were teaching
those students.
1238
01:09:29,295 --> 01:09:32,080
Told you not to
come back here.
1239
01:09:32,124 --> 01:09:33,821
I really want to
talk to bugg.
1240
01:09:33,865 --> 01:09:38,217
"Being nice to buddy"
is not high on my agenda.
1241
01:09:38,261 --> 01:09:41,873
Look, I just want to
apologize to him, okay?
1242
01:09:41,916 --> 01:09:44,267
-That's all.
-Whatevers.
1243
01:09:44,310 --> 01:09:46,834
Want me to stalk you
forever? I can.
1244
01:09:46,878 --> 01:09:49,054
I can set up
an office in here.
1245
01:09:49,097 --> 01:09:52,579
In this little munchkin
office right under here, huh?
1246
01:09:52,623 --> 01:09:56,104
When the phone's for me,
just let me know.
1247
01:09:56,148 --> 01:09:58,977
Please, go.
1248
01:10:08,291 --> 01:10:12,295
I get it.
I'm persona non grata
around here.
1249
01:10:22,435 --> 01:10:24,002
Not any better
at basketball, huh?
1250
01:10:27,614 --> 01:10:31,052
You know, they had to
up my medication.
1251
01:10:31,096 --> 01:10:32,837
I'm sorry.
1252
01:10:32,880 --> 01:10:35,318
They doubled it.
1253
01:10:36,319 --> 01:10:38,277
I hate taking that stuff.
1254
01:10:38,321 --> 01:10:40,279
Makes me throw up.
1255
01:10:41,324 --> 01:10:42,673
I should go.
1256
01:10:45,806 --> 01:10:47,939
"Polaroid picture"?
1257
01:10:50,202 --> 01:10:52,160
I trusted you.
1258
01:10:52,204 --> 01:10:54,641
-I trusted you!
-I know.
1259
01:10:54,685 --> 01:10:57,731
You treated me just like
the rest of 'em, man.
1260
01:11:00,952 --> 01:11:03,650
If you never want to
see me again, I get that.
1261
01:11:04,738 --> 01:11:07,001
You're good, bugg.
1262
01:11:07,045 --> 01:11:10,004
You're funny.
1263
01:11:10,048 --> 01:11:13,312
Don't let the fact
that I'm a piece of shit
take that away from you.
1264
01:11:29,633 --> 01:11:32,244
Buddy, I need you.
1265
01:11:32,288 --> 01:11:33,941
Coming.
1266
01:11:45,083 --> 01:11:46,519
Oh, there you are.
1267
01:11:46,563 --> 01:11:48,478
What the hell?
1268
01:11:48,521 --> 01:11:51,132
-I thought
i told you to leave!
-Look, I have an idea.
1269
01:11:51,176 --> 01:11:52,482
Just don't give me
the "wrath of Khan"
1270
01:11:52,525 --> 01:11:54,962
for just one second
and listen to me.
1271
01:11:55,006 --> 01:11:57,313
-These students
are good at comedy.
1272
01:11:57,356 --> 01:11:59,315
You should do a show.
You do it here.
1273
01:11:59,358 --> 01:12:01,360
You invite their family.
You invite their friends.
1274
01:12:01,404 --> 01:12:03,754
Look, they get some laughs,
it'll feel great,
believe me.
1275
01:12:03,797 --> 01:12:06,104
It's good for social skills
which is what you wanted--
1276
01:12:06,147 --> 01:12:08,106
back off!
1277
01:12:08,149 --> 01:12:09,890
I won't be around.
1278
01:12:09,934 --> 01:12:11,892
-You don't have to
worry about me.
1279
01:12:16,419 --> 01:12:18,290
I'll think
about it, okay?
1280
01:12:18,334 --> 01:12:20,553
Thank you.
1281
01:12:31,782 --> 01:12:35,002
Stop fucking
calling me, mom.
1282
01:12:37,091 --> 01:12:40,007
We all know him.
Doing two sets tonight,
1283
01:12:40,051 --> 01:12:44,403
put your hands together
for buddy solitaire.
1284
01:12:45,622 --> 01:12:47,972
Hey, buddy.
1285
01:12:53,847 --> 01:12:56,328
I recently took a job
teaching stand-up comedy
1286
01:12:56,372 --> 01:12:58,722
at a psychological
counseling center.
1287
01:13:01,594 --> 01:13:03,204
Hi.
1288
01:13:07,905 --> 01:13:10,473
God, I love comedians.
1289
01:13:10,516 --> 01:13:12,431
I love "chuckle fuckers."
1290
01:13:12,475 --> 01:13:14,085
Okay, whatever.
1291
01:13:17,088 --> 01:13:21,745
Wait, I am gonna
give you a blow job.
1292
01:13:21,788 --> 01:13:24,182
-I'm gonna let you.
-Okay.
1293
01:13:27,490 --> 01:13:29,230
Let's see what
you got in here.
1294
01:13:34,453 --> 01:13:36,586
-Oh, yeah.
-Stop.
1295
01:13:36,629 --> 01:13:38,544
You gotta have
somethin' better to do.
1296
01:13:38,588 --> 01:13:40,807
-Come on.
1297
01:13:40,851 --> 01:13:43,114
-No, I'm really
good at this.
-I'm sure you are.
1298
01:13:43,157 --> 01:13:44,550
It will be better
for your self-esteem.
Go.
1299
01:13:44,594 --> 01:13:46,422
Come on, up.
Go.
1300
01:13:46,465 --> 01:13:50,164
-Fuck you, asshole.
-Okay, your dad's gonna
thank me for this.
1301
01:13:50,208 --> 01:13:52,253
Don't you talk
about my daddy.
1302
01:14:03,351 --> 01:14:06,572
-'Course it's fake.
1303
01:14:09,270 --> 01:14:10,881
Tyson, hi.
1304
01:14:10,924 --> 01:14:13,536
You had a good idea
about the show.
1305
01:14:13,579 --> 01:14:15,538
Oh, thanks.
1306
01:14:15,581 --> 01:14:16,930
They're telling jokes
about their lives.
1307
01:14:16,974 --> 01:14:18,715
It's quite inspiring.
1308
01:14:21,152 --> 01:14:22,762
Hey, tell 'em
i said hello, okay?
1309
01:14:22,806 --> 01:14:25,722
-Of course. Thank you.
-Bye.
1310
01:14:50,398 --> 01:14:53,184
Let's hear
"polaroid picture"!
1311
01:14:54,620 --> 01:14:58,015
You know what?
No.
1312
01:15:17,382 --> 01:15:19,993
Quite the exit, Houdini.
1313
01:15:20,037 --> 01:15:21,908
What are you doing here?
1314
01:15:21,952 --> 01:15:24,650
-Go home, mom.
-Come home with me.
I'll fix you dinner.
1315
01:15:26,434 --> 01:15:29,263
-I can't be dad anymore.
-Who you gonna be, then,
Freud?
1316
01:15:29,307 --> 01:15:30,874
I gotta pay you
by the hour?
1317
01:15:30,917 --> 01:15:32,876
You've been taking this
out on me for years.
1318
01:15:32,919 --> 01:15:35,008
-It's fucked up, mom.
-You want to see
fucked up?
1319
01:15:36,619 --> 01:15:39,099
You're such a piece of shit,
you sweat feces.
1320
01:15:39,143 --> 01:15:40,318
What's the matter
with you?
1321
01:15:40,361 --> 01:15:42,407
No one ever
wanted you around.
1322
01:15:42,450 --> 01:15:44,278
No one!
1323
01:15:44,322 --> 01:15:46,672
You were worse than
a girl baby in China!
1324
01:15:46,716 --> 01:15:48,631
Yeah.
yeah, let's do this.
1325
01:15:48,674 --> 01:15:50,328
You're so ugly that
when you were born,
1326
01:15:50,371 --> 01:15:52,591
your mama named you
"shit happens."
1327
01:15:54,506 --> 01:15:56,943
-No!
1328
01:16:04,690 --> 01:16:07,867
I didn't mean
to hurt you.
1329
01:16:07,911 --> 01:16:09,652
I didn't mean it.
1330
01:16:09,695 --> 01:16:12,306
-I love you.
-I know.
1331
01:16:13,525 --> 01:16:17,137
Oh, please don't
leave me, please.
1332
01:16:17,181 --> 01:16:18,965
Please.
1333
01:16:31,674 --> 01:16:34,415
Sure you want to
do this, baby?
1334
01:16:34,459 --> 01:16:36,766
Yes, ma'am.
1335
01:16:36,809 --> 01:16:39,638
Whatever happens, you know
I'm proud of you, right?
1336
01:16:59,527 --> 01:17:01,486
I can't wait.
1337
01:17:01,529 --> 01:17:04,663
Hi there, hi there.
I am Tyson yee.
1338
01:17:04,707 --> 01:17:06,839
You know me as
the head counselor here,
1339
01:17:06,883 --> 01:17:08,841
and I will be
your host tonight.
1340
01:17:12,540 --> 01:17:16,544
Oh, welcome to maple hill's
big show!
1341
01:17:18,024 --> 01:17:20,461
No pressure.
1342
01:17:20,505 --> 01:17:23,203
Up first, we have Zoe.
1343
01:17:30,384 --> 01:17:34,432
Uh, I'm not very
good at jokes,
but here goes.
1344
01:17:34,475 --> 01:17:38,784
When I was little,
i wanted to be a doctor.
1345
01:17:38,828 --> 01:17:41,134
Now I need a doctor.
1346
01:17:43,528 --> 01:17:45,138
Sometimes when i
tell people
1347
01:17:45,182 --> 01:17:46,705
I did demolitions
in the military
1348
01:17:46,749 --> 01:17:48,576
they're like,
"wow, was it fun?"
1349
01:17:48,620 --> 01:17:50,796
And I'm like,
"fun?
1350
01:17:50,840 --> 01:17:52,580
I defused bombs all day.
1351
01:17:52,624 --> 01:17:54,887
The last thing I want to be
doing is having a blast."
1352
01:17:57,150 --> 01:17:59,762
I have extreme anxiety.
1353
01:17:59,805 --> 01:18:02,939
So I'm a little nervous
in front of a crowd.
1354
01:18:02,982 --> 01:18:05,593
But I'm even more
nervous in front of
these crooked lights.
1355
01:18:06,594 --> 01:18:08,858
First joke, personal.
1356
01:18:08,901 --> 01:18:12,035
My ex-husband beat me
and my daughter.
1357
01:18:12,078 --> 01:18:15,734
Pain.
it hurts.
1358
01:18:15,778 --> 01:18:18,781
Second joke, personal.
1359
01:18:18,824 --> 01:18:20,957
I hate my ex-husband.
1360
01:18:21,000 --> 01:18:24,003
Pain.
i burned down his house.
1361
01:18:33,056 --> 01:18:38,757
Up next, we have our very own
buford "bugg" Jackson.
1362
01:18:41,586 --> 01:18:43,240
You got this.
1363
01:18:49,072 --> 01:18:50,769
I-- I'm bugg.
1364
01:18:50,813 --> 01:18:54,425
-I'm sorry, sorry. Sorry.
1365
01:18:54,468 --> 01:18:56,601
Hey.
1366
01:18:56,644 --> 01:18:58,037
Don't apologize.
1367
01:18:58,081 --> 01:19:00,692
Just get
your first joke off.
1368
01:19:05,001 --> 01:19:07,743
It's okay.
I invited him.
1369
01:19:15,489 --> 01:19:19,885
I used to be ashamed
of being different.
1370
01:19:19,929 --> 01:19:22,932
But now I'm not.
1371
01:19:22,975 --> 01:19:27,023
I have two voices
in my head.
1372
01:19:27,066 --> 01:19:29,590
Any more and we'd be
a walking gang.
1373
01:19:32,028 --> 01:19:35,118
One is the most
intimidating black dude
1374
01:19:35,161 --> 01:19:36,815
that you'll ever meet
in your life,
1375
01:19:36,859 --> 01:19:41,602
and the other is a 70-year-old
church white lady.
1376
01:19:43,909 --> 01:19:47,217
So I'm pretty much covered
for any situation
1377
01:19:47,260 --> 01:19:49,001
that you can
possibly think of.
1378
01:19:49,045 --> 01:19:51,874
If somebody cuts me off
in traffic,
1379
01:19:51,917 --> 01:19:55,616
the black dude
is like, "hey, hey, hey!
Forget you, man!
1380
01:19:55,660 --> 01:19:57,836
Ol' jive Turkey.
You see this bicycle."
1381
01:19:59,795 --> 01:20:02,841
And if I'm ever
grocery shopping,
1382
01:20:02,885 --> 01:20:06,584
the white church lady pretty
much has me covered with,
1383
01:20:06,627 --> 01:20:09,065
"excuse me, sir.
1384
01:20:09,108 --> 01:20:11,545
I know you're blind, so you
probably didn't see the line,
1385
01:20:11,589 --> 01:20:13,417
but it starts behind me.
1386
01:20:13,460 --> 01:20:15,245
Thank you.
1387
01:20:15,288 --> 01:20:17,856
Gotta get this wine
to church communion."
1388
01:20:29,912 --> 01:20:31,652
Thank you.
1389
01:20:32,653 --> 01:20:33,829
You want to do
a set?
1390
01:20:33,872 --> 01:20:35,874
Oh, no, no.
I'm good, thanks.
1391
01:20:35,918 --> 01:20:37,963
Come on.
1392
01:20:53,065 --> 01:20:54,719
Who am I?
1393
01:20:54,762 --> 01:20:56,286
What's he doing?
1394
01:20:56,329 --> 01:20:58,201
Our assignment, dummy.
1395
01:20:58,244 --> 01:21:00,856
I'm buddy solitaire.
1396
01:21:00,899 --> 01:21:03,554
I'm Hanna bales's son.
1397
01:21:03,597 --> 01:21:06,339
My mother was my hero
growing up.
1398
01:21:06,383 --> 01:21:10,778
I probably watched
her "letterman" set
thousands of times.
1399
01:21:10,822 --> 01:21:12,258
Which is about
how many times this week
1400
01:21:12,302 --> 01:21:14,391
she's called me
"a complete piece of shit."
1401
01:21:17,698 --> 01:21:20,440
The physical abuse
was bad.
1402
01:21:20,484 --> 01:21:24,749
She was either
hitting me too hard
or hugging me too close.
1403
01:21:24,792 --> 01:21:28,405
We're kind of like
Norma and Norman bates
from "psycho"...
1404
01:21:28,448 --> 01:21:32,888
Except we never had
a functioning shower.
1405
01:21:32,931 --> 01:21:34,977
She's my mom.
1406
01:21:35,020 --> 01:21:37,544
The only family I got.
1407
01:21:37,588 --> 01:21:39,024
So whatever I feel
for her,
1408
01:21:39,068 --> 01:21:42,593
I realize I gotta let
a lot of that shit go,
1409
01:21:42,636 --> 01:21:44,987
because if I don't
I'm not gonna make any room
in the future
1410
01:21:45,030 --> 01:21:47,859
to meet--
to meet new people.
1411
01:21:47,903 --> 01:21:52,081
And that has been
awesome, guys.
1412
01:21:52,124 --> 01:21:53,996
I truly mean this.
Thank you.
1413
01:22:01,612 --> 01:22:03,788
Thank you so much.
It's so nice, so--
1414
01:22:03,831 --> 01:22:05,616
excuse me, sorry.
1415
01:22:08,271 --> 01:22:10,795
Vanessa, please.
Talk to me.
1416
01:22:14,233 --> 01:22:16,061
That was great.
1417
01:22:16,105 --> 01:22:17,976
You should be proud.
1418
01:22:18,020 --> 01:22:20,239
That means a lot.
1419
01:22:21,197 --> 01:22:25,157
Buddy, we don't work.
1420
01:22:25,201 --> 01:22:28,900
-We just don't.
-That's not true.
1421
01:22:28,944 --> 01:22:31,163
We can't fix each other.
1422
01:22:31,207 --> 01:22:34,514
I have to do it myself.
1423
01:22:34,558 --> 01:22:36,560
Okay?
1424
01:22:38,736 --> 01:22:40,738
Okay.
1425
01:22:56,058 --> 01:22:58,886
I love you.
1426
01:23:00,758 --> 01:23:02,890
I love you, too.
1427
01:23:05,284 --> 01:23:07,156
Goodbye.
1428
01:24:05,257 --> 01:24:06,867
Okay.
1429
01:24:46,559 --> 01:24:49,910
[Instrumental music
playing]
102286
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