Original subtitles

CHORUS: ♪ Going barefoot in the park

♪ Where it says, "Keep off the grass"

♪ Isn't recommended for the very old

♪ But when you're young and you're in love

♪ The world is beautiful

♪ And I'm not a bit afraid of you catching cold

♪ Running barefoot through the park

♪ Searching bareheaded in the rain

♪ For a midwinter daisy

♪ Seems kind of crazy to do

♪ But come along My barefoot love

♪ To the fields that shine with spring

We just got married!

♪ Though it's 10 below

♪ Let me go knee-deep in daisies with you

♪ La la la

They just got married.

♪ La la la la la la la

♪ La la la la la la la la la la la

♪ La la la la la la la la

♪ La la la la la

♪ La la la la la la la la la la la

♪ La la la la

Whoa!

This is the Plaza Hotel, please.

Plaza. Corie, it's the Plaza.

Wait a minute. I'm not finished.

Corie, the man is waiting. Wait.

Give him a big tip.

Paul, tell me you're not sorry we got married.

After 40 minutes? Let's give it a couple of hours first.

Paul?

If the honeymoon doesn't work out, let's not get divorced.

Let's kill each other.

Let's have one of the maids do it.

I hear the service here is wonderful.

Uh...

Uh... (GRUNTS)

Here's... Bye. Thank you.

Come on.

Good afternoon. Yes. Uh...

My hand. I need my hand.

"Mr. Paul Bratter." Yes.

And is Mrs. Bratter staying with you?

My mother?

Uh, oh! Mrs. Bratter, yes.

Mr. and Mrs. Bratter. (RINGING BELL)

How long will you be staying with us, Mr. Bratter?

Six days.

And nights.

It's a pleasure to have you at The Plaza.

449.

(LAUGHING) Come on...

Corie, let's stop, huh?

This way, please.

Oh, ex...excuse me. Excuse us, please.

Mr. Adams, I hope you realize I'm only 15 years old.

Thanks. Thanks a lot.

Well, they're so stuffy around here.

Is... Is this what life is going to be like

for the next 50 years?

Is that all we're going to be married, 50 years?

That's not very long.

No, wait. Don't make rash judgments.

Paul, I think I'm going to be a lousy wife.

But don't be angry with me.

I love you very much,

and I'm very sexy.

Then let's go inside.

I'm paying $30 a day.

Okay, Paul, let's start the marriage.

Good luck, Paul.

Good luck, Corie.

Forget it. They're never coming out.

How long has it been now?

Five days.

(WHISTLES) That must be a hotel record.

For a political convention.

A honeymoon record is nine days.

Wait a minute, Paul! Where are you going?

Work. I have to go to work.

I don't do this for a living, you know.

Can't you call them and tell them you can't come in today?

Tell them you're sick.

I am sick, but I have to go in today.

Last night you promised you'd never leave me.

But it's just till 5:30. Just until 5:30.

Corie, if it's a good marriage, it'll last until 5:30.

See you. Tonight, hey?

What was that?

A kiss?

Dear, would you get inside? This is a nice hotel.

Was that a kiss?

'Cause, boy, if that's what kisses are going to be like from now on,

don't bother to come back at 5:30.

Corie, I can't kiss you anymore.

My lips are numb. Now will you (WHISPERS) please go inside?

If you don't give me a real kiss,

I'm going to give you back your pajamas.

Right now.

No, wait... (BRIEFCASE THUDDING)

What? Wait!

Couldn't you make it 4:30?

(CLEARS THROAT) Oh!

Tonight.

At the new apartment.

Okay, it's 49 West 10th street. (SIGHS)

I love you! Yeah. Uh.

Thank you, Mr. Dooley.

Next time you're in New York, just call me up.

(SIGHS)

(SIGHS)

(DOORBELL BUZZES)

(BUZZING)

Hello?

Bratter?

Up here, top floor!

Top floor.

Take your time! (ECHOING)

Yeah.

Top floor.

It's always the top floor.

(PANTING)

Whatever happened to elevators?

Let's see. The bed is six feet long

and the room is five-and-a-half feet

and I'm in big trouble.

(PANTING)

(BREATHLESSLY) Teleph...

Hi. Teleph...

Telephone company.

The phone? Yeah.

Oh, great! Come on in.

That's...

That's quite a climb.

Yes. Five flights, if you don't count the front stoop.

Yeah, I counted the front stoop.

Uh, would you like a glass of water?

Please.

I'd offer you soda or a beer or something,

but we don't have anything yet.

A glass of water's fine.

Except we don't have any glasses either.

Oh.

You could, uh...

You could put your head under and just schlurp.

Oh, no, I don't have enough breath to slurp.

Well...

Where would you like the phone?

Gee, uh...

I don't know.

Any suggestions?

Well, it all depends on what you're going to do with the room.

Yeah.

You going to have furniture in here? (CHUCKLES)

Sure.

Listen, you can give me a long extension cord,

and I'll carry it around with me for the first few years.

Good. I'll use the old connection.

Whew! Boy!

You're really going to live up here, huh?

I mean every day.

Every day.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

I hope that's the men with the furniture.

I don't want to see this.

Hello, Bloomingdale's!

Lord & Taylor's.

Oh.

Up here, top floor!

Oh, my God.

It's probably another wedding gift from my mother.

She sends me wedding gifts twice a day.

I hope it's an electric heater.

Is it cold in here?

I can't grip the phone. Maybe the steam is off.

Maybe that's it.

Just turn it on. It'll come right up.

It is on.

It's just not coming up.

Oh.

Your husband have a lot of sweaters?

You know, I prefer it this way.

Yeah, it's a medical fact that steam heat's bad for you.

Yeah? In February?

(PANTING)

Just put them down anywhere.

(WHEEZING)

I know. I know.

Oh, I'm... I'm terribly sorry about the stairs.

(WHEEZING)

I think he wants you to sign it.

Oh.

Oh, wait a minute.

(WHEEZING)

There you are.

Are you going to be all right?

(WHEEZES)

That's a shame, giving a job like that to an old man.

He's probably only 25.

They age fast on this route.

Okay, lady, you're in business.

My own phone.

Hey, can I make a call yet?

Well, your bill started two minutes ago.

Who can I call?

Yeah, I know.

Oh, by the way, my name is Harry Pepper.

If you ever have any trouble with that phone,

do me a favor, don't ask for Harry Pepper.

What's the matter, bad news?

It is going to be cloudy tonight with a light snow.

And just think, you'll be the first one in the city to see it fall.

(POLICE WHISTLE BLOWS)

Hello, is Mr. Paul Bratter there, please?

This is Mrs. Paul Bratter calling.

This is terrific. It works just great.

Yeah, just like a real phone, huh?

Frank, is Paul there?

Hi, Corie.

He left about 20 minutes ago and looked very tired.

Hey, tell him to call me as soon as he gets in, will you?

I've got great news for him if he can stand a little more excitement.

No kidding, Frank. What is it?

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Frank, listen, can you hang on a minute? That... That may be him now.

Oh! I didn't want him to come till after the furniture had arrived.

Paul?

Corie? Where are you?

Paul?

Up here!

Oh.

Paul, up here, top floor!

(PANTING)

Oh, it's him!

How long did you say you were married?

Six days.

He won't notice the place is empty till June.

So long, Gramercy 59971. Have a nice marriage.

Oh. Thank you.

And may you soon have many extensions.

Frank, he's on his way up.

Can you hang on for five more flights?

Paul?

Hurry up, darling!

Now, don't expect too much,

'cause the furniture hasn't gotten here yet!

And, Paul, the paint didn't turn out exactly right,

but I think it's going to be beautiful!

Paul?

Paul, are you all right?

(PANTING) I'm coming. I'm coming.

What?

He's coming. He's coming.

He's coming. He's coming.

(GRUNTS)

Hi, sweetheart!

(PANTING)

Oh, darling!

(GASPING) (MOANS)

Oh! Say something.

(GASPING) It's six... It's six flights. Did you...

Did you know it's six flights?

Well, it isn't. It's only five.

What about that big thing

hanging outside the building?

That's not a flight. It's a stoop.

It may look like a stoop.

But it climbs like a flight.

Is that all you have to say?

I didn't think I'd get that much out.

Oh.

But it didn't...

It didn't seem like six flights

when I first saw the apartment.

Why... Why is that?

You didn't see this apartment, Paul.

Don't you remember? The woman wasn't home.

You... You saw the apartment on the third floor.

Then that's why.

You don't like it! No, I...

Boy, you really don't like it! I do like it, dear.

I'm just waiting for my eyes to clear first.

I... I thought you were gonna come in here and say, "Wow!"

I will.

I will. I'm just...

Yes.

Wow.

Paul, it's going to be beautiful!

I promise you!

Do you know what? What?

I missed you. Did you really?

In the middle of the Monday morning conference,

I, you know... I began to...

Let's go back to The Plaza. What?

Oh, we still have an hour till checkout time.

We can't. Why?

We stole a towel and three ashtrays. We're hot.

You know, for... For a lawyer, you're some good kisser.

Hey!

What?

For a kisser, I'm some good lawyer.

Something's happened. Mmm-hmm.

Something has happened, Paul! Well, tell me what?

It's not positive, but the office is gonna call and let me know.

They called. I mean, I called.

When? Now.

Where? Where? Over there. Over there.

Right over there. They're on the phone, right now.

You didn't tell me, Corie. I forgot.

You kissed me and got me all crazy.

Frank. Yes, Frank. Tell...

That's very funny, Frank.

For a lawyer, I'm some good kisser.

Listen. Paul, I'd love to listen for the rest of the night,

but I've got work to do, and you do, too.

You've a got a case in court tomorrow.

Frank, are you kidding?

Do you mean this? The whole thing?

Birnbaum versus Gump.

Marshall just came in and dumped the whole case

in our eager, and inexperienced little hands.

This is it, Paul. This is our chance to get the key to the executive washroom.

Well, we're a cinch. Listen, Frank,

I'll go over the briefs here tonight.

And I'll meet you at the office, say, 8:00 in the morning.

We'll go over everything together.

Yes... Frank, you think I have time to grow a mustache?

Did you hear? Did you hear? It's my first case!

I'm going to be a lawyer!

That's great, Paul.

You're going to have to work tonight?

Yeah. I'm going to go over the affidavits.

This furrier's suing a woman for nonpayment of bills.

I've got the furrier.

I have a black lace nightgown.

It seems he made these four specially tailored coats

for this woman on Park Avenue.

Now she doesn't want the coats.

She's only 4'8". He'd have to sell them to a rich midget.

You know, I thought I'd... I'd put on a record

and do an original Cambodian fertility dance.

It's...

There's no signed contract.

What's happening here? What is this? What are you doing?

I'm trying to get you all hot and bothered,

and you're...summing up for the jury!

I mean, the whole marriage is over.

Corie, honey, I'm sorry.

I guess I'm excited, that's all.

You want me to be rich and famous, now, don't you, really?

During the day.

At night I want you here and sexy.

Oh, I will.

Look, I tell you what, now tomorrow night, your night.

We'll do whatever you like, all right?

Something wild, and crazy, and insane?

Fine. Like what?

I... I'll come home early.

We'll wallpaper each other.

But tonight, dear, I've got to work.

Please, okay?

Okay? Okay. Okay.

So where do I sit?

Oh, the furniture will be here in a minute, Paul.

They probably got stuck in the traffic.

Fine, but what about tonight?

I've got a case in court in the morning.

Maybe we ought to check into a hotel.

Paul, we just checked out of a hotel! (SIGHS)

I'm gonna sleep in my own apartment tonight.

Where, dear, where?

There's only room for one in the bathtub.

Where's the bathtub?

There's no bathtub. There's a shower. No bathtub.

How am I going to take a bath?

You're not gonna take a bath. You'll take a shower.

I don't like showers, Corie. I like baths.

How am I gonna take a bath?

You lie down in the shower and hang your feet over the sink.

(SCOFFS)

You know, it's freezing in here.

Isn't there any heat? Hmm?

Of course. There's a radiator.

That's... The radiator's the coldest thing in the room.

Does the building have a janitor?

Only Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.

Oh, Paul, it's going to warm up a lot when the furniture gets here.

What about tonight, Corie? I've got a case in court in the morning.

Well, stop saying it like you have a case every morning!

This is your first one.

Well, how...

What are you doing?

I'm trying to see if these windows are closed.

They're closed and bolted. Why is it windy in here?

I don't feel a draft.

No, I didn't say draft, I said wind.

There's a brisk northeasterly wind blowing in this room.

You don't have to get sarcastic.

I'm not getting sarcastic. I'm getting chapped lips.

How can there be wind in a closed room? A-ha!

How's this for an answer?

There's a hole in the skylight.

Oh, Paul.

Paul, don't get excited.

Listen, we'll plug it up for tonight.

How? How? That's 20 feet high!

I should have to fly over in a plane and drop something in.

It's only for one night. And it's not that cold.

In February?

Do you know what it's like in February at 3:00 in the morning?

It's ice-cold freezing.

It's not going to be freezing. I called the weather bureau.

It's going to be cloudy with a light snow...

What? What? What?

Light what? Snow.

Snow?

It's going to snow tonight? Hmm?

In here?

They're wrong as often as they're right. Right. (CHUCKLES)

I see, I'm going to be shoveling snow in my own living room.

Well, in the first place, Paul, it's just a little hole.

And in the second place, what do you want me to do?

Go to pieces! Like me.

It's natural.

Paul. Hmm?

I have a better idea.

I'm going to keep you warm. Hmm?

And there's no charge for electricity.

All right.

Corie, I can't do this.

Do you think Corie'd be upset

if I just popped up and said hello?

Upset with her own mother? Why?

I do it all the time.

But the children are hardly set up yet.

They're still practically on their honeymoon.

Oh, she's probably dying for your advice. You know young brides.

Not Corie. She gives her own advice.

All right, let's go home.

I'll just be 10 minutes.

Uh, no longer. I'll be circling the block.

I can see I haven't got much of a law career ahead of me.

Good. I hope we starve.

I hope they find us dead in each other's arms.

"Frozen skinny lovers found on 10th Street."

Then we are in love again?

Yes, we're in love again.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

It's the bed.

(WHISPERS) It's the bed. Yes.

I hope it's the bed.

Bloomingdale's?

Surprise!

Oh, no. She couldn't wait. What?

Your mother? I invited her for Tuesday.

Corie, I can't entertain your mother now.

I've got a case in court in the morning.

She's gonna hate it.

She's going to think we're gypsies living in an empty store.

I don't get you, Corie. Five minutes ago, this place was paradise.

Now suddenly, it's Cannery Row.

She doesn't understand, Paul.

She has a different set of values.

She's practical, not young like us.

Well, I'm 26 and cold as hell.

(PANTING)

(CLANGING)

Oh, sorry.

Paul. I want you to promise me one thing. What?

Don't tell her about the rent. All right.

If she asks you, tell her you're not sure yet.

"Not sure yet"?

I have to know what my rent is. I'm a college graduate.

Can't you lie a little for me?

I mean, you don't have to tell her it's $125.

Well, all right. How much is it, then?

$60. (STUTTERS)

$65. What?

$75, all right?

$75.63 a month. All right, Corie.

Including gas and electricity. Yes.

Paul, will she believe that?

Anybody would believe that.

It's the $125 that's hard to swallow.

(PHONE RINGS)

Yes? Hello.

Yes, it is.

You what?

Thank you. Thank you very much for calling.

That's fine. That's just great.

The furniture's not coming till tomorrow.

But they're sending up a mattress and some blankets for tonight.

Won't that be cozy? It'll be all right, Paul.

Just please promise me one thing,

don't let her stay here too long because I've got...

A case in court in the morning. I know.

(PANTING) Hello, Mother.

Hello, Mom. I can't breathe.

Take it easy, Mother. I can't catch my breath.

You should have rested, Mom.

I did, but there were always more stairs.

Oh, Paul, help her.

Here, watch this step.

Oh, more stairs?

Mother, would you like a glass of water?

No, thank you, dear. I can't swallow yet.

Here, sit down, Mom. Oh, my!

It's not that high, Mother.

I know dear, it's not bad, really.

What is it, nine flights?

It's five. We don't count the front stoop.

I didn't think I'd make it.

If I had known the people on the third floor,

I'd have gone to visit them.

Oh, gee, Mother, what a pleasant surprise.

I'm not staying.

Aunt Harriet's honking the horn for me in 10 minutes.

Just one good look around, that's all.

I'm not sure I'm coming back.

You can't tell anything yet.

I... I wish you'd arrived after the furniture had come.

Don't worry. I have a marvelous imagination.

Hmm.

Well?

Corie, baby, it's beautiful.

You hate it.

No, no, I love it. It's a charming apartment.

I love it.

Oh, it's not your kind of apartment. I knew you wouldn't like it!

I love it!

Paul, didn't I say I loved it?

She said she loved it. I knew I said it.

Oh, do you really, Mother?

I mean, are... Are you absolutely crazy in love with it?

Yes. It's very cute.

And there's so much you can do with it.

I told you she hated it.

Corie, you don't give a person a chance. (SIGHS)

At least let me see the whole apartment.

This is the whole apartment.

It's a nice, large room.

There's a bedroom! Where?

One flight up.

It's just two little steps. See, one, two...three.

Oh, split level.

Where's the bedroom? Through here?

No, in here. This is the bedroom.

No, it's really just a dressing room,

but I'm going to use it as a bedroom.

Oh, that's a wonderful idea.

And you can just put a bed in here.

That's right. How?

Oh, it'll fit. I... I measured the room.

A double bed?

No, a large single. Oh. Very nice.

Where will Paul sleep?

With me. Large single?

But you won't be able to get to the closet.

Yes, you will.

Without climbing over the bed?

Well, you have to climb over the bed.

Oh! That's a good idea.

And you can just hang your clothes from the pipe.

That's right.

I mean, everything is just temporary, Mother.

What is it they say in Harper's Bazaar?

"It won't take shape

"until the bride's own personality becomes clearly defined."

I don't know. I think it's you right now.

What's in here?

Oh, the bathroom.

No bathtub.

This is the kitchen!

It's very cozy.

It's chilly in here. Do you feel a draft?

Here, stand over here, Mom. It's warmer.

Mother, what you need is a drink.

Hey, Paul, would you run down and get a bottle of scotch?

Now? Yeah.

Well, you certainly have lots of wall space.

What color are you going to paint it?

It's painted.

Very attractive.

Oh.

I've got to go.

No, Mother. Not until you have a drink.

Paul, aren't you going to get the scotch?

I'll stay for just one drink.

Sure. And I'll get the Scotch.

Button up, dear. It's cold. Yes, I've noticed that.

Get some cheese. Cheese?

Paul!

I just want to give my fella a kiss

and wish him luck. Thanks, Mom.

Your new home is beautiful. Yes.

It's a perfect little apartment. It is, thank you.

Then you do like it?

Like it? Why?

Where else can you get anything like this

for 75.63 a month?

Are you sure, Paul?

Six flights of stairs again.

It's the only way to travel.

Well...

Corie, baby, I'm so excited for you.

Mmm-hmm. (SIGHS)

Mother, it's not exactly the way you pictured, is it?

Well, it's unusual.

Like you.

I remember when you were a little girl,

you said you wanted to live on the moon.

I thought you were joking.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Well, drunk again, huh?

Okay, I'll take care of him.

I know what let's do. (CLEARS THROAT)

Let's open my presents and see what you sent me.

(SIGHS)

Hey.

What's in here? That sounds expensive.

Now I think it's a broken clock.

Ah!

Aunt Harriet helped me pick it out.

She thinks I should move into New York City now.

Hey, that's an idea.

I said, "Why, Harriet? Just because I'm alone?"

I said, "I'm not afraid to live alone."

"In some ways, it's better to live alone," I said.

Does this pot come with directions?

If I had known about this kitchen,

it would have come with hot coffee.

Mother. Oh, I love everything.

You've got to stop sending me presents.

You know, you should start spending your money on yourself.

Well, myself?

What does a woman like me need, living all alone,

way out in New Jersey?

You could travel.

Oh, travel.

Alone? At my age?

I read a story in The Times.

A middle-aged woman traveling alone,

fell off the deck of a ship.

They never discovered it till they got to France.

Mother...

I promise you, if you ever fell off the deck of a ship,

somebody would know about it.

Do you know what I think you really need?

Yes. I don't want to hear it.

Yes, 'cause you're afraid to hear the truth.

It's not the truth I'm afraid to hear.

It's the word you're going to use.

You're darn right I'm going to use it, it's love. Oh.

A week ago, I didn't even know what it meant.

And then I checked into to the Plaza Hotel for six wonderful days.

And you know what happened to me there?

I promised myself I wouldn't ask.

I found love.

Spiritual, physical, and emotional love.

And I don't think anyone on Earth should be without it.

I'm not, darling. I have you.

I'm not talking about that kind of love, Mother.

I mean... I know what you're talking about.

And you don't want to discuss it?

Not with you in the room. (SIGHS)

(HONKS)

That must be Aunt Harriet.

I've got to go.

Some visit.

Just a sneak preview.

I'll see you both on Tuesday for the world premiere.

Oh. You shouldn't have run just for me.

Goodbye, love.

I love your new apartment.

I'll see you both on Tuesday.

Geronimo!

Paul, what's the matter?

I just had an interesting talk

with the man down in the liquor store.

Do you know that we have some of the greatest weirdos in the country

living right here in this building?

No kidding! Like who?

Well, like, to begin with, in apartment 1C are the Boscos,

Mr. and Mrs. J. Bosco. Who are they?

Mr. and Mrs. J. Bosco are a lovely young couple

who just happen to be of the same sex.

And no one knows which one that is. Crazy!

And in apartment 3C are Mr. and Mrs. Gonzales. So...

No, I have not finished. Mr. and Mrs. Gonzales,

Mr. and Mrs. Armandariz, and Mr. Calhoun, who must be the umpire.

Who do you think lives in 4D?

I don't know. Nobody else does, either.

Nobody's been seen going in or coming out in three years!

Except every morning,

there are nine empty cans of tuna fish outside the door.

Who do you suppose lives there?

Sounds like a big cat with a can opener.

Oh, I forgot, Mr. Velasco, Victor Velasco, he lives in 6A.

Where's that, on the roof?

The attic. He lives in the attic!

He's 58 years old. He skis, he climbs mountains,

he's been married four times.

He's known as the Bluebeard of 10th Street.

What does that mean?

I don't know. It either means that he attacks girls on 10th Street

or he's got a blue beard.

Where are you going?

I'm gonna go stand in the bedroom and work.

If anything comes up, like the bed or the heat, just let me know, huh?

(DOOR CLOSING)

(WIND BLOWING)

(WHISPERS) Paul? Hmm?

Are you asleep?

Just my hands and my feet.

Paul, do you know what the trouble is?

We're wearing too much clothing.

You know how the Eskimos keep warm?

They check into a motel.

Paul, do you hate me?

Yes.

Then say it.

I hate you.

Then I hate you.

(SOFT RATTLING)

There's somebody at the door.

If it's the Red Cross, let them in.

Aren't you going to answer it?

You found the apartment. You answer it.

(WHISPERS) Paul.

Who are you?

Who are you?

I live here.

So do I.

How delightful!

I hope I didn't disturb you.

My name is Velasco, Victor Velasco.

The Blue... From the attic?

I was wondering if I could use your bedroom.

The bedroom? No.

Well, I can't get into my apartment.

I wanted to use your window and just crawl out along the ledge.

Oh, did you lose your key?

Oh, no, no. I have my key, but it no longer fits the lock.

The penalty of being four months behind in the rent.

So, you say you live here?

Just moved in today.

Really? And what are you, a folk singer?

No, a wife! Uh-huh.

You know, of course, you're unbearably pretty.

All indications point to my falling in love with you.

Ah, I see our ratfink landlord

has left a hole in the skylight.

Yeah. Well, he's going to fix it, won't he?

Oh, I wouldn't count on it.

My bathtub has been leaking since 1949. (SIGHS)

Tell me, does your husband, uh, work during the day?

Yes.

In an office?

Yes. Good.

I work at home during the day.

Oh, I predict interesting complications.

Am I making you nervous?

Very nervous. (CHUCKLES)

Wonderful!

Once a month I try to make pretty young girls nervous

just to keep my ego from going out.

But I'll save you a lot of anguish.

I'm six... I'm 58 years old,

and a thoroughly nice fellow.

Well, I'm glad to hear that.

I'm not! I wish I were 10 years older.

Older? Yes.

Why, dirty old men seem to get away with a lot more.

You see, I'm still at the awkward age.

Well, now when do I get invited down for dinner?

Dinner? Oh, we'd... We'd love to have you for dinner

as soon as we get set up.

With newlyweds, I could starve to death.

Shall we say next Tuesday night?

Tuesday night? No, my mother's...

Tuesday night's fine.

It's a date.

I'll bring the wine. You can pay me for it when I get here.

Oh, which reminds me,

you're invited to my cocktail party tomorrow night, 10:00.

You do drink, don't you? Yes, of course.

Good. Bring liquor. Until tomorrow then.

Yeah, if we don't freeze first. (CHUCKLES)

You don't know about the plumbing, do you?

Everything in this museum works backwards.

For example, on the steam, it says, "Turn right,"

so you turn left.

Except I can't reach it.

Will you help me up, please?

Oh! With the greatest of physical pleasure.

One, two, three, up!

Whoo!

Corie, was there anyone...

We were just warming up the apartment.

Uh, Paul...

Whoo!

This is Mr. Velasco from upstairs.

He was just telling me that all our plumbing works backwards.

That's right.

An important thing to remember is

you have to flush up. Until tomorrow night then.

What's tomorrow night? Where's... Where's he going?

Don't forget Tuesday!

What about Tuesday? What's he doing in the bedroom?

(WIND BLOWING)

That nut went out the window.

(RINGS)

Hello.

Hello, Mother? It's me.

Corie, did you hear what I said?

There's an old nut out on our ledge!

No, nothing's wrong.

Listen, I just want to confirm our Tuesday night dinner date.

At 2:00 in the morning?

Well, I just I want to be sure you're gonna come.

At 2:00 in the morning?

And, Mother, listen, wear something, uh, gay and frivolous.

As a matter of fact, buy a new dress.

At 2:00 in the morning?

I'll call you tomorrow. Bye.

Who are you waving at?

Him.

I decided to meet you here every day.

It takes you so long to climb the stairs,

and I can't wait for you.

You will not meet me here every day.

The bus driver will think you're my mother.

Hey, do you have an Aunt Fern? Yeah.

She sent us a check today. Did she?

Boy, do you have a cheap Aunt Fern!

I'll write and tell her.

Oh, and your mother called from Philly.

She and your father are coming up a week from Sunday.

And your sister has a new boyfriend!

Huh? Really? From Rutgers.

Yeah, he has acne, and they all hate him. Swell.

Including your sister. (BOTH LAUGHING)

Did you miss me today?

No. Why not?

Because you called me eight times.

I... I don't talk to you that much when I'm home.

What a grouch! Hey, how'd it go in court today?

Well, I was going to...

Gump or Birnbaum? Birnbaum.

You won? Yes.

Oh, Paul!

Oh, I'm so proud.

Aren't you happy?

Birnbaum won the protection of his good name.

But no damages. We were awarded 6 cents.

6 cents! It's the law.

You have to be awarded something, so the court made it 6 cents.

Well, how much of that do you get?

Nothing. Birnbaum gets the whole 6 cents.

And I get it going the office tomorrow.

From here on in, I get all the cases that come in for a dime or under.

Grouch, grouch, grouch.

You weren't that grouchy at 6:00 this morning under the covers.

Do you have to carry on a personal conversation with me on the stairs?

Why, what's wrong with it? (MUMBLES)

Everybody knows the intimate details of our life.

Geez, I ring the bell, and suddenly we're on the air!

You know, I think I better make you a drink. Yeah, that's...

You're supposed to be charming tonight.

Listen, I've got news for us.

This little dinner you have planned for tonight

has got fiasco written all over it.

Why? You know, it just may be they have a lot in common.

(CHUCKLES) Are you kidding? Your mother?

You mean that quiet, dainty little woman from New Jersey

and the Count of Monte Cristo?

You must be kidding. Why?

Well, you've seen his apartment.

He wears Japanese kimonos, he sleeps on rugs.

Your mother wears a hair net and sleeps on a board.

Boof. (LAUGHS)

Well, maybe we could help her.

I mean, we don't have to introduce her

as my dull, 52-year-old, housewife mother.

That wasn't the exact wording I had planned here.

But what did you have in mind?

I don't know, something more glamorous.

A former actress.

You know, of course, that she was in The Man Who Came to Dinner.

Your mother? Where? The East Orange Women's Club?

I don't know, on Broadway.

And she was in the original company of Strange Interlude,

and she had a small singing part in Knickerbocker Holiday.

Are you serious?

Cross my heart.

Your mother, an actress?

Yeah.

What? You never told me this.

Why didn't you ever tell me?

(SIGHS) I don't know. I didn't think you'd be interested.

God, that's fascinating!

I can't... I can't get over that.

You see? Now you're interested.

It's a lie. Every bit of it.

I'm going to control myself.

(PANTING)

(CLANGS)

Hello, Mom. Are you all right, Mother?

Paul... Yes, Mom.

In my handbag... Are some pink pills.

Pink pills? All right.

I'll be all right in a minute. I'm just a little out of breath.

Mother, sit right there. I'll get you something to drink.

I had to park the car three blocks away.

Then it started to rain, so I ran the last two blocks.

Then my heel got caught in the subway grating.

When I pulled my foot out, I stepped in a puddle.

Then a cab went by and splashed my stockings.

If the hardware store downstairs was open,

I was going to buy a knife and kill myself.

Here, Mother, drink this.

Here's your pill, Mom.

A martini to wash down a pill.

It'll make you feel better.

I had a martini at home. It made me sick.

That's why I'm taking the pill.

Let me help you inside.

You need food, Mother. I'll get you an hors d'oeuvre.

No, thank you, dear.

It's just sour cream and blue cheese.

I wish you hadn't said that.

Uh, maybe you'd like to lie down?

No, thank you, dear. I can't lie down without my board.

Right now, all I want to do is see the apartment.

Well, then... Help you up.

Up. (SIGHS CHEERFULLY)

Corie.

Corie! Do you like it?

Like it?

(CLICKS TONGUE)

It's magnificent.

My!

Oh, it's... And you did it all by yourself.

No. Actually, Mr. Velasco gave me a few ideas.

ETHEL: Who? Our decorator.

He comes in through the window once a week.

Oh, the man that lives upstairs.

Oh, you've heard about him, eh?

Oh, yes. Corie had me on the phone for two hours yesterday.

Did you know that he's been married four times, Mom?

Yes. If I were you, dear, I'd sleep with a gun.

Mother...

See, we did get the bed in.

Yes. Just fits, doesn't it?

Just. We have to turn in unison.

Well, I must admit,

I never expected anything like this.

Can't wait to see the expression

on your parents' faces tonight, Paul.

I beg your... My what?

Your mother and father.

We're having dinner with them tonight, aren't we?

Isn't that what you told me, Corie?

Is that what you told her, Corie? (SIGHS)

Well, if I told you had a blind date with Mr. Velasco upstairs,

I couldn't have blasted you out of the house.

Blind date with Mr. Velasco...

The man that lives upstairs...

Good God!

What's all the panic, Mother? He's just a man.

My accountant is just a man.

You make him sound like Douglas Fairbanks.

He looks nothing like Douglas Fairbanks. Does he, Paul?

No. He just jumps like him.

Come on, Mother.

I promise you, you're going to have a marvelous evening.

Come on where?

Up to Mr. Velasco's for cocktails.

But I'm not even dressed!

You look fine.

Oh, for Paul's parents I just wanted to look clean.

He'll think I'm a nurse.

He'll think you're very interesting.

Is my hair all right? Yes, it's fine.

Just push it up a bit in back. Oh, right.

Paul, is something wrong with my hair?

Mother, listen, just try to go along with everything.

What do you mean? Where are we going?

I mean, try to be one of the fellows.

One of what fellows? Should I go first?

Go where?

Up there. That's where the birdman lives.

(SOFTLY) Good Lord.

Oh. Go on, Paul.

Yes.

It's all right, Mother. I'll be right behind you.

ETHEL: Oh! (SCREAMS)

Mother, are you all right? Yes, oh, my!

You should've told me about this.

I'd have gone into training.

I've got you. Paul, pull her up.

Give me your hand, Mom.

Oh, my arm. You're pulling my arm!

Paul, stop pulling her arm.

PAUL: I'm not pulling. I'm helping.

Oh.

(ORIENTAL MUSIC PLAYS) Thank you.

Ooh! Isn't this wild?

Huh? What do you think, Mother?

I think I've broken some straps. Hello?

Ah, my guests.

Paul... (SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

I beg your pardon? I was just saying hello in Burmese.

Corie, ra-vi-shing! What does that mean?

Ravishing. That's English.

(LAUGHING)

Uh, Paul, won't you do the honors? Yes, of course.

Mr. Velasco, I don't believe that you've met Corie's mother, Mrs. Banks.

Mom, this is our new neighbor, Mr. Velasco.

How do you do? Oh, Mrs. Banks.

I've been looking forward so to meeting you.

I invited your daughter to my cocktail party,

and she spent the entire evening talking of nothing but you.

That must've been a dull party. Not at all.

Oh, I mean, if she did nothing but talk about me,

that must've been dull, not the party.

(LAUGHS) I understand.

Thank you. Won't you sit down?

Whoosh! Aren't these marvelous?

Yes, they're marvelous.

And now...

(SIZZLING)

Knichi! Knichi?

It's an hors d'oeuvre, Mother.

Mr. Velasco makes them himself. He's a famous gourmet.

Gourmet. Imagine.

Didn't you once cook for the King of Sweden?

Well, we belong to the same gourmet society.

One hundred and fifty charter members,

including the King, Prince Philip,

Fidel Castro. Fidel Castro, too?

Yes. We meet once every five years

for a dinner we cook ourselves.

In 1987, they're supposed to come to my house.

We have another 30 seconds.

Until what? Until they're edible.

The last 15 seconds, we just let them sit there and breathe.

Oh, Paul, aren't they gorgeous? Yeah.

You know, when you eat knichi, you take a bite into history.

Knichi is over 2,000 years old.

Not this particular batch, of course. Oh, well, no.

(LAUGHING SHRILLY)

Mr. Velasco, would you be a traitor to the society

if you told us what's in them?

Well, if caught, your taste buds

are ostracized for two years.

But since I'm among friends...

It's bits of salted fish, grated olives,

spices, and onion batter.

Ready? Five,

four, three, two, one, zero.

Mrs. Banks. Oh. Thank you.

What kind of fish is it? Eel.

Eel? Eel.

That's why the time element is so essential.

Eel spoils quickly.

Mrs. Banks, you're not eating.

I had a martini and a pink pill, and I think...

Oh, please, please.

The temperature of the knichi is very important.

You must eat it now.

In five minutes, we throw it away.

ETHEL: Oh, wouldn't want you to do that.

No, no. Pop it.

I beg your pardon? If you nibble that, knichi tastes bitter.

You must pop it. Look.

See? Oh, yes.

(LAUGHS) Here.

Oh, thank you.

(COUGHS)

Mother, are you all right?

(CHOKING) I think I popped it back too far.

(COUGHS)

Was that water?

No. Vodka. I use it in the knichi.

Oh, my stomach.

Of course, the trick is to pop it

right to the center of the tongue.

Then it gets the benefit of the entire palate. Corie.

Well, here goes.

How about that? Perfect!

You are the prettiest epicurean I've ever seen.

Paul.

No. No, thank you. I... I have a bad arm.

You can try. Paul, you have to try everything.

Right, Mr. Velasco?

Well, as the French say, "At least once."

Ah.

Bitter. Right?

You know why, don't you?

I nibbled, I didn't pop.

Yeah. Have another one. And try to pop...

No, no. I don't care to pop another one. Really.

Besides, I think we're over the five-minute-limit now anyway.

Well, are we ready to go out to dinner?

Why, I thought we were going to have dinner at your flat.

No. We had a fire in our stove.

Goodness. What happened?

Nothing. We just turned it on.

If you're looking for the unusual, I have a suggestion.

That's what we want. The unusual, right, Mother?

Oh, you know me, one of the fellows.

Then we're off to The Four Winds.

The Chinese restaurant on 53rd Street?

No, the Albanian restaurant on Staten Island.

We'll have to take a ferry.

Ferry? In February.

I love it already! Come on, Mother.

Paul, help her. Yep.

Oh, dear! It won't let go of me. (CHUCKLES)

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATION)

Now, don't expect anything lavish in the way of decor.

Actually, I'm not even certain they have a restaurant license.

How quaint.

Mr. Velasco, don't you wear a coat?

Well, it's only 30 degrees.

For me, it's springtime.

Ready? My group, stick close to me.

If anyone gets lost,

we'll meet at the United States Embassy.

Where were you? Getting my gloves.

Gloves. What do you need gloves for? It's only 30 degrees.

Oh. I'm sorry, I forgot. We're having a heat wave.

Do you have a dime? Yeah.

Would you look at her? Look at her.

She's freezing to death, but she wouldn't admit that.

I'll admit it. I'm freezing to death.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

(CHUCKLES) Hi!

Hello!

Voila!

Come on, Mother.

Uh, listen, are you sure we're in the right place?

What? Inhale.

This way. Heavenly!

(READING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE) The Four Winds.

I bid you, now enter a gastronomical paradise.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Kishama!

Velasco! (LAUGHS)

Mmm! You taste delicious!

You think so? I put myself on the menu.

(LAUGHS) How many people you got?

Four. All cold, all tired, and all starving.

Good. First you drink, then you eat,

then you go up to my bed

and take a little sleep, huh?

(SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

Get up! Huh!

(SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

A-ha, Ouzo, my beautiful, beloved Ouzo.

Paul, do you drink?

Yes, thank you. Ouzo, I'd like a scotch, please.

No, no. Uh, this is Ouzo.

She is Mushka.

Paul, didn't you know this was Ouzo?

No.

Is the glass dirty?

What color is Ouzo?

White. It's dirty.

(SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

To the beginning of new friendships.

(SPEAKING GIBBERISH)

(CHUCKLING) What does that mean?

I don't know. I just made it up.

Cheers! (LAUGHS) Cheers!

(GRUNTS) Oh!

Wow! Whoo! (LAUGHING)

Here's to your health, Mom. Thank you. To my health.

(COUGHS) Have another one, quickly.

Oh, no, thank you, really.

Oh, please. One can make you sick.

Two starts you on the road to recovery.

Pelmenchki! (POPPING)

I don't believe it!

Taste it. You still won't believe it.

Pelmenchki! For us!

He only makes it twice a year.

Hmm, if you like it, I make you more next July.

(CHUCKLES) To pelmenchki.

Pour it in right away. Otherwise, it goes sour.

(SIZZLING)

(FOLK MUSIC PLAYING)

Hey, it's Mushka.

(SINGING FOLK SONG)

Hey, I like that. What are they playing?

It's an old Albanian folk song.

Shama, Shama. What does that mean?

Uh, Jimmy crack corn, and I don't care.

No kidding.

(FOLK SONG CONTINUES)

(ALL LAUGHING)

(TEMPO INCREASES)

(SINGING FOLK SONG)

Hey! Wait!

I'll race you up the stairs!

No, no, no!

Oh, you!

Oh! (LAUGHS)

Oh! No, you don't.

No! No, no, no.

(SQUEALING)

(LAUGHING)

Oh, no.

(PANTING)

I won!

(PANTING)

I won. (LAUGHING)

That was not a fair race. You tickled me.

(PANTING)

Hey, how do you say it again?

Say what?

Waiter, there's a fly in my soup.

(SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

(SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

No, no, no... No?

That's, "Fly, you have a waiter in my soup."

(LAUGHING) Oh, well, I did.

He put his hand in to take out the fly. (LAUGHING)

Oh! How's my head going to feel tomorrow?

Wonderful! No headache?

No, no headache.

But you won't be able to make a fist for three days.

Hey! Look at that!

(CHUCKLES) Coffee. We promised to make coffee.

Oh! And a promise is a promise!

I forgot the stove doesn't work.

Hey, upstairs, everybody, for coffee.

Don't you two want coffee?

Oh, they'll drink it if we make it.

Don't you two go away. (SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

(CORIE AND VICTOR LAUGHING)

(EXHALES HEAVILY)

I feel like we've died.

And gone to heaven.

Only we had to climb up.

Struck down in the prime of life.

It isn't exactly that I feel sick, just...

Kind of numb.

And I can't make a fist.

Mom, you want to hear something frightening?

My teeth feel soft.

Huh. It's funny.

The best thing we had all night was the knichi.

Oh, anyway, Corie had a good time.

She seems to get such a terrific kick out of living.

You've got to admire that, don't you, Paul?

Yes, yes. I'd admire anybody

who has three portions of pelmenchki.

I tried, Paul.

I just couldn't seem to work up an appetite the way they did.

No, no, you mustn't blame yourself, Mom.

We're not used to that kind of food, that's all.

You don't pick up a fork and dig into a black salad.

You've got to play with it.

I don't think I could get through coffee tonight.

I'm all out of pink pills.

Where are you going?

Home. I'd like to die in my own bed.

What will I tell them?

Make up some clever little lie.

Tell Corie I'm not really her mother.

We've decided to have flaming brandy.

I'm afraid you must excuse me, darling, but it is a little late.

Mother, you can't go. It's the shank of the evening.

I know, darling, but I have a 10:00 dentist appointment at 9:00

and it's been a very long evening,

and I don't know what I'm saying.

Mother, you can't do that... Darling.

Good night, Paul.

Good night, Mr. Velasco.

Good night, Paul. Good night.

Good night, Corie.

No, you're not going, too?

Well, of course. I'm going to drive Mrs. Banks home.

Oh, no. I mean, oh, no, it's too late.

For what? For the buses. They stop at 2:00.

How would you ever get home?

Why worry about that now?

I'll meet that problem in New Jersey.

Oh, really, Mr. Velasco, it's very sweet, but I...

Victor. What?

Well, if we're going to spend the rest of the evening together,

it must be Victor. Oh.

And I insist that the arrangement be reciprocal.

What is it?

What is what?

Your name, Mother.

It's Ethel.

Oh, yes. Ethel, that's right. My name is Ethel.

That's better. Are you ready, Ethel?

If you insist, Walter.

Victor. It's Victor.

Yes, Victor. Good night, Paul.

Shama, shama, Corie. Shama, shama.

If you don't hear from us in a week,

we'll be in the National Hotel in Mexico City.

Room 703. Come on, Ethel.

What did he mean by that?

Stop worrying, Mother.

And call me in the morning. Oh.

How about that? He likes her!

He likes my mother!

He'll probably have to sleep over.

Hey, Paul, do you suppose that...

Not my mother.

(SIGHS)

Boy, what a night!

Hey, I got an idea.

Let's take the bottle of scotch downstairs

and ring all the bells and yell, "Police."

Huh? Just to see who comes out of whose apartment?

What's the matter, darling? Don't you feel well?

What a rotten thing to do to your own mother.

What?

Dragging your mother like that out into the middle of the harbor

for a bowl of sheep dip.

It was Greek bean soup.

And at least she tasted it.

I mean, she didn't jab at it with her knife

throwing cute little epigrams like,

"Ho, ho, ho. I think there's somebody in there."

That's, um, quite a match you made.

I can just hear the conversation. Sparkling dialogue.

He's telling her about some

great Japanese restaurant in East Berlin,

and she's describing the joys of having a root canal job.

Give me your hand, Ethel.

My what?

Your hand. There is ice on the stoop.

Oh, don't worry about me. I can manage.

(GASPS)

Ethel. Are you all right?

Uh... Oh.

Well.

I just can't understand

how you can be so unconcerned about all this.

I really... Unconcerned?

Do you think I'm gonna get one wink of sleep

until that phone rings tomorrow?

I'm scared to death for my mother.

And I'm grateful there's finally something to be scared about.

What I'm really concerned about is you.

Me? Me?

Yeah. I'm beginning to wonder if you're capable of having a good time.

Why? Because I like to wear my gloves in winter?

No.

Because there isn't the least bit of adventure in you.

You know what you are, Paul? You're a watcher.

You're a watcher. There are watchers in this world,

and there are doers.

And the watchers sit around watching the doers do.

Well, tonight you watched, and I did.

Yeah, well, it was a little bit harder to watch what you did

than it was for you to do what I was watching.

You can't even relax for one evening.

I don't know, Paul, sometimes you act like a...

What? Hmm?

A stuffed shirt? Is that it?

I didn't say that. No, that's what you were implying.

Ah, no. That's what you're anticipating.

I didn't say stuffed shirt. Mmm-hmm.

But you're extremely proper and dignified.

Proper and dignified? When was I proper and dignified?

The other night at Delfino's, you were drunk, right?

Right. I was stoned.

Exactly. I didn't even know it

until you told me in the morning.

I mean, you're a funny kind of drunk, Paul.

You just sat around looking unhappy, watching your coat.

I was watching my coat

because I saw someone else watching my coat.

Look, if you want, I'll get drunk for you sometime,

make your hair stand on end.

(WHILE BRUSHING) It isn't necessary.

Do you know that in Harry's bar last New Year's Eve,

I punched an old woman?

Don't tell me about drunk.

When else? When else was I proper and dignified?

All the time.

You're always dressed right. You always look right.

You always say the right thing.

You're very nearly perfect.

That's a rotten thing to say.

Before we were married, I thought you slept with a tie.

No, just for very formal sleeps.

Boy, you have absolutely no sense of the ridiculous.

Like last Thursday night,

you wouldn't walk barefoot with me in Washington Square Park.

Why not? Simple answer. It was 17 degrees.

Exactly.

It's very logical, it's very sensible,

and it's no fun.

Maybe you're right.

Maybe I am a little bit too proper and dignified for you.

Maybe you would've been happier

with somebody a little bit more colorful and flamboyant.

Like the geek.

Well, it'd be a lot more laughs than a stuffed shirt.

I thought you said I wasn't.

Well, you are now.

I'm not going to listen to this.

I'm not gonna listen to this, I have a case in court in the morning.

Where are you going? To sleep.

Now? How can you go to sleep now?

I'm gonna close my eyes and count knichis. Good night, dear.

You cannot go to sleep now, Paul. We're having a fight.

Well, you have the fight. When you're through,

would you turn off these lights, please?

Oh, that gets me absolutely insane!

You can even control your emotions!

No, no, now. I'm just as upset as you are.

But when I get hungry, I eat. When I get tired, I sleep.

And you eat and sleep too. Don't deny it, I've seen you.

Not in middle of a crisis.

What crisis? We're just yelling.

You don't consider this a crisis?

Our whole marriage is hanging in the balance.

It is? When did this happen?

Just now. It has suddenly become very clear to me

that you and I have absolutely nothing in common.

Why, because I won't go walking barefoot in the park?

You don't have a case, Corie. Adultery, yes, but cold feet, no.

Don't you oversimplify this.

I am angry, Paul. Can't you see that?

It's 2:15.

If I can get to sleep in half an hour, I can get about five hours sleep.

I'll call you from court tomorrow, and we'll fight over the phone. Hmm?

You will not go to sleep, Paul.

You will stay here and fight to save our marriage!

If our marriage hinges on those fishbowls and pelmenchki,

it is not worth saving.

Now, dear, I'm crawling into our tiny little single bed.

If you care to join me, we're sleeping from left to right tonight.

You won't discuss it! You're afraid to discuss it!

I married a coward!

Would you bring in a pail? The closet's dripping.

Oh, I hate you! I really, really hate you!

Listen! All right, wait a minute, Corie.

There's one thing I've learned in court.

Be careful when you're tired and angry.

You may say something you will soon regret.

I am now tired and angry.

And a coward!

Listen, maybe you're right then.

Maybe we don't have anything in common.

Maybe two people should have more than just a blood test first.

Maybe they should be checked first for a little common sense,

understanding, and emotional maturity!

All right.

Why don't you get it passed by the Supreme Court?

Only those couples bearing a certificate from their psychiatrist

proving that they're emotionally mature can be married.

Oh, listen... Don't touch me!

Don't you lay a finger on me! I can't stand having you near me!

What? I don't even want to be in the same room with you!

What's going on here? You're hysterical.

I am not hysterical!

I know exactly what I'm saying, Paul.

It's all over between us.

And it's never going to be any good anymore.

(MUTTERING) I'm sorry. I don't want to cry.

Cry, please. Go ahead.

Don't you tell me when to cry!

I'm gonna cry when I feel like crying. (SNIFFLES)

And I'm not gonna have my cry until you are out of this apartment.

What do you mean "out of this apartment"?

Well, you certainly don't think

we're going to live here anymore, do you?

After this?

Are you serious?

Of course I'm serious, Paul! I want a divorce!

Divorce!

I'm sorry, Paul. I can't discuss it anymore.

Where are you going?

To bed.

You can't, not now. You did before.

In the middle of a fight, this is in the middle of a divorce.

I'm sorry, Paul. I can't talk to you when you are hysterical.

I want to know why you want a divorce.

Huh?

Why?

Because you and I have absolutely nothing in common.

Nothing in common?

What about the six days at The Plaza, Corie?

Six days does not a week make.

What does that mean?

I don't know!

I don't know what it means.

All I know is that I want a divorce.

You know, I think you mean it.

You mean this?

I do.

I really do.

(SNIFFLING)

That's just... Great.

(SOBBING)

I thought you weren't going to cry. Well, I am!

I'm gonna cry, I'm going to have the biggest cry

I've ever had in my whole life,

and I'm going to enjoy it!

Because I'm gonna cry so hard

I'm gonna keep you awake all night.

Good night, Paul. I mean, goodbye.

(MUTTERING)

(CORIE SOBBING)

"Six days does not a week make."

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

Here, it's for you. I don't live here anymore.

(RINGING STOPS)

Fine. Fine.

You work and work for a lousy 6 cents. (MUTTERING ANGRILY)

Doesn't matter. I don't care.

(MUTTERING)

I don't know why I even bother.

There's just no sense, there's no...

(SNEEZING)

One pound of grapes. Anything else?

No, thank you. (SNIFFLING)

(SNEEZES)

God bless him.

If that's for tonight, you needn't bother. I have my own dinner.

I thought you were moving out.

I haven't had a chance to look for a room yet.

I work during the day, you know.

You'll look tonight.

I happen to be coming down with a cold.

That's why I'm home early.

I just thought I'd take a couple of aspirins and get right into the sofa.

I'm sure you can find someplace.

You could stay at your club.

It's not that kind of a club.

It's a locker room and a handball court.

To sleep over, I'd have to keep winning the serve.

Hello, Mrs. Bratter, Mr. Bratter.

How's every little thing?

The little things are fine.

Shall I charge it, Mr. Bratter?

Charge it to Mrs. Bratter. It's a new account.

The grapes are his.

(CUTLERY CLINKING)

(KNOCKING ON DOOR) It's open!

Hi. (PANTING) Hello again.

Phone's out of order.

Yeah. I know.

I wouldn't be up here on a social call.

Hey, you did a real nice job.

Thank you.

Know anybody that might want to rent it?

Rent it? You moving already?

Yeah, I'm looking for a smaller place.

Smaller than this, they're not easy to find. (CHUCKLES)

So, how do you like married life?

Very interesting.

Hello. I'm the telephone man.

I'm the husband.

Well, let's see what's wrong with the phone.

It's dead.

I know. It was murdered last night.

I'll be out of here as fast as I can.

Take your time. Nobody's rushing you.

Is there any beer in the house? (SNIFFLES)

I said, "Is there any beer in the house?"

Would you like me to look?

There's no beer in the house.

There is no beer.

(HARRY GASPS)

That's my trouble, beer.

I can drink 10 cans in a night of beer.

(HUMMING)

Ah.

(SNIFFLES)

My laundry come back today?

Yes, your laundry came back today.

They stuffed your shirts beautifully.

(WHISTLING)

Would you like a drink?

(HUMMING)

I said, "Would you like a drink?"

Who? You.

Me? Yeah.

No. Right.

(WHISTLING FRANTICALLY)

Just one more little screw will do it.

There. I'm finished. I'm finished.

(TELEPHONE RINGING) Oh!

Hello. Yes, it is.

Just a moment. It's Aunt Harriet.

I don't have an Aunt Harriet.

I guess you won't be needing me anymore. Goodbye.

Aunt Harriet, can you hang on a second?

When do I get it?

Get what?

My divorce, when do I get my divorce?

How should I know? They didn't even send the marriage license yet.

I want you out of here tonight.

Right now. Fine. Just great. I'll get my bag.

I'll pack my wet suits.

Hi, Aunt Harriet. Yeah, what's wrong?

I'll go sleep in the park, where it's dry and warm.

No, mother's not with me.

Uh-uh, she left about 2:00 this morning.

Yeah? What happened?

What?

Mother?

My mother?

Are you sure? What's the matter? What happened?

No. My phone's been out of order all day.

Aunt Harriet, listen. Don't get excited.

I'll call you back as soon as I find out anything. Yeah, goodbye.

What's the matter with your mother?

Mother didn't come home last night.

God, her bed hasn't been slept in.

I'm gonna call the police.

Take it easy. Just take it easy. There's nothing to be...

Don't you understand? Mother wasn't in her bedroom this morning.

Maybe her back was bothering her,

and she fell asleep on the ironing board.

Oh, would you just go away? Just go away.

Where are you going? Upstairs to find out what happened to my mother.

And you better not come back

'cause I'm buying a big dog tomorrow.

That's fine, just fine.

Now you'll have somebody to walk barefoot in the park with.

(LAUGHS) A dog. That's a laugh.

Wait till she tries to take him out for a walk,

he'll get one look at those stairs and go right for her throat.

Mr. Velasco, can I see you for a minute?

Here is a dog. A little doggie.

Fortunately, I don't need anybody to protect me, sweetheart,

because I am a man, independent, mature,

self-sufficient man... (SNEEZES)

Oh! God bless me.

I've probably got the flu. Yeah.

Chills, fever, sweating.

Probably have the 24-hour virus.

Better tomorrow at quarter to 4:00.

Oh!

Thanks. Thanks a lot, pal.

And thus it was written.

"Some shall die by pestilence, some by the plague..."

And one poor schnook is gonna get it from a hole in the ceiling.

(SIGHS) That's it. That's it.

Bye, leaky closet.

Bye, no bathtub.

Bye, hole.

Goodbye, six flights.

Oh! Goodbye, Corie.

Oh, no goodbye?

According to law, I'm entitled to... Goodbye!

(SOBBING)

What? Is it your mother?

Corie, what is it, an accident?

Corie, for Pete's sake, what's it about?

Daughter, listen, it's not the way it looks at all.

Good God.

Corie, you've got to believe me.

Somebody believe me.

I warned her.

I warned her, and I was right.

He warned me, and he was right.

It must have been the drinks, Corie.

I had a great deal to drink last night.

I had martinis, vodka, coffee, black bean soup, and Ouzo.

That's not my problem.

I'm well out of it now.

Ah!

And after I fell, Victor picked me up and carried me inside.

I couldn't walk because my shoes fell down the sewer.

You don't have to explain, Mother.

He started to carry me up here,

but his hat fell over his eyes,

and we fell down the stairs, into apartment 3C.

I fell on his foot.

I thought we were gonna have a nice sociable evening.

Then Mr. Gonzales, Mr. Armandariz, and Mr. Calhoun

carried us both up there

and put us down on the rugs.

When I woke up in the morning Victor was gone,

and I was there in his bathrobe.

Oh, Mother!

I swear that's the truth, Corie!

(SNIFFLES) Got a cold.

I've had one for 20 years.

(SNIFFLES)

Ah!

Hey, that's a nice coat you got there.

What?

Huh? Your coat.

I'll make you a trade. What have you got?

Nothing.

It's a deal!

You must believe me. I've told you everything.

Then where are your clothes?

That I can't tell you. Why not?

You won't believe me. I'll believe you.

No, you won't. I will.

Mother, where are your clothes?

I don't know. I don't believe you.

Didn't I tell you you wouldn't believe me?

I don't know where they are.

Corie, I've never been so humiliated in all my life.

I kept having the most horrible nightmares.

I kept dreaming my fingers were falling off

because I couldn't make a fist.

(GASPS)

It's me.

(CRASH)

Mr. Velasco, are you all right?

If a broken toe is all right, I'm fine.

Hello, Ethel. Hello, Victor...

Mr. Victor. Mr. Velasco.

I couldn't get up the ladder again.

Ethel, did you tell Corie what happened last night?

Why? What happened last night?

Ooh, last night. Yes.

Yes. Take his arm, Mother.

I knew I would come to this, being helped by women.

(GROANS) Oh, dear, does your foot hurt?

Compared to my stomach, no.

I think I have a new ailment

which I shall call "intestinal volcano".

Are there little men in there

running around in spiked shoes?

And pointy steel helmets,

and they keep jumping up and down, up and down.

How long has this been going on?

It hardly ever happens, except after every meal.

I knew it. Welcome to my club.

I think you have an ulcer.

An ulcer? Me? From what?

Too many spicy foods.

You'll have to get used to taking little pink pills.

Oh, I'd rather die,

but first I must get rid of this headache.

Corie, do you have about 300 aspirins?

You know, Ethel, I don't think I'm as young as I think I am.

Why do you say that? Well, isn't that obvious?

Last night, I couldn't carry you up the stairs.

I can't eat rich food anymore.

And I dye my hair, my...

Well, it's very nice. Thank you.

So are you.

You know, Ethel, you are a very unusual woman.

Unusual? In what way?

VICTOR: I took a long look at you last night.

Do you know what you are, Ethel? What?

A good sport.

Oh, a good sport.

To have gone all through you did last night.

The trip to Staten Island, the strange food,

being carried up to my apartment like that.

(CHUCKLING)

If you remember, eh?

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Mr. Velasco, where are my clothes?

Oh, your clothes. Here.

I'm sure I wore more than that.

It's a cleaning ticket.

They're sending them up at 4:00.

Oh, they're at the cleaners.

When did I take them off?

You didn't. You were drenched and out cold.

Gonzales took them off.

Mr. Gonzales? Not Mister... Dr. Gonzales.

Oh, the doctor. Dr. Gonzales.

I guess that's all right, then.

How convenient to have an M.D. in the building.

He is not an M.D. He's a doctor of philosophy.

(LAUGHING)

Here. Aspirin.

No, thank you. I'm feeling much better now.

I'll take them.

Well, I must go.

Someone is calling about renting my apartment.

From now on, I take elevators. (GROANS)

Oh, dear, is there anything I can do for you?

Yes, there is.

Would you like to have dinner with me tonight? Me?

That is if you don't mind eating plain food.

I love plain food. Good.

I'll call the New York hospital for a reservation.

I'll pick you up at 7:00.

Whatever you say, Victor.

Now, that's funny. I was getting used to Walter.

You know what I could use right now?

A double Ouzo.

What I really could use is a new outfit.

Mother, can I talk to you?

Do you realize I slept without a board last night?

For the first time in years,

I slept without a board!

Mother...

You don't suppose Ouzo is some kind of a Greek miracle drug, do you?

Mother, there's something I've got to talk to you about.

Oh, Corie, how sweet of you. You're worried about me.

I'm not worried about you.

Oh, my hair.

I wonder what I could do with my hair?

Paul and I are getting a divorce.

A divorce? That's right.

Paul and I are splitting up for good.

You and Paul?

I don't believe you.

You saw him leaving the apartment with his suitcase.

What did you think he had in there?

I don't know, I know how neat he is.

I thought maybe the garbage.

Mother, I believe you. Why don't you believe me?

Because in my entire life,

I've never seen two people more in love than you and Paul.

Well, maybe that was true yesterday,

but it sure isn't true today. (SNIFFLES)

It couldn't have been all your fault.

No? Because of me, you were running around without your clothes

and Paul is out there in the streets with a cold,

looking for a place to sleep.

Whose fault is that?

Yours.

You want to know something that may shock you?

I still love you.

And Paul loves you, too.

And I love him.

I don't know what he wants.

I don't know how to make him happy.

What am I going to do, Mother?

That's the first time you've asked my advice since you were 10.

It's really very simple.

All you have to do is give up a little bit of you for him.

Don't make everything a game,

just late at night in that little room upstairs.

Take care of him.

Make him feel important.

If you can do that, you'll have a happy and wonderful marriage,

like two out of every 10 couples.

You'll be one of the two, baby.

Now get out of here and go find him.

I've got a date.

Aunt Harriet isn't going to believe a word of this.

If you don't hear from me tomorrow,

I'll be in the National Hotel in Mexico City,

room 703. (SNAPS FINGERS)

(PAUL LAUGHING)

Paul, it is you!

I doubt that very much.

I've been looking for you everywhere.

Oh, yeah?

Oh, well, you'll never find me.

(LAUGHING)

Your coat! Where's your coat?

Coat? I don't need a coat.

It's only two degrees.

(BOTTLE CLINKING)

What have you been doing?

Oh. (LAUGHING)

What have I been doing?

Just what have I been doing?

I've been walking barefoot in the park.

Paul, you're crazy.

Shh!

But guess what I am?

You're drunk.

Yeah! (LAUGHS)

You finally noticed!

(LAUGHING)

You're lousy, stinking drunk.

(VOCALIZING)

Oh, I see you still have your shoes.

Boy, what a stuffed shirt.

Paul, no!

Paul!

Paul?

Paul, are you all right?

Corie, I got to tell you something.

No, later.

No, now. I got to tell you now.

I got all the way down the stairs,

suddenly it hit me.

Suddenly I saw everything clearly for the first time.

I said to myself, "This is crazy.

"This is crazy.

"It's all wrong for me to run away like this.

"There's only one right thing to do."

Really, Paul? What?

You get out.

(LAUGHING)

(SNEEZING)

Why should I get out? The lease is in my name.

I'm going home.

Drop in anytime.

You know my address.

After all, a man's home is his castle.

I'm home, castle.

Oh! Oh, still here?

Well, I will...

I will give you 10 minutes

to pack up your pelmenchki and go.

(SNEEZING)

Paul, you're burning up with a fever.

How about that?

You're going to get pneumonia.

If that's what you want, that's what I'll get.

Paul, would you get these shoes off? They're soaking wet.

I can't. My feet have swellened.

I never should have let you out of here. I know you had a cold.

Corie, I've got an idea.

Let's do that thing that you said before.

Let's go wake all the police

and see if they come out of the crazy neighbors.

This building is under arrest! Everybody out!

Paul... What?

Will you get into bed? You get in first.

You're sick. Not that sick.

No, Paul, stop it!

Stop it.

I mean it. Stop it.

Ha! Come here, cutie. Come on, Paul, stop it.

No! I'm warning you.

Hey, you're pretty when you're mean and rotten.

Paul, keep away from me! I'm gonna scream!

Shh!

There's snow on the roof. We'll have an avalanche.

You're not supposed to be walking around. You've got a fever.

Stand still, the both of you. (SHRIEKS)

Hey... Open this door.

I can't. I'm scared.

Of me? Yes.

Why?

'Cause it's not you anymore. I want the old Paul back.

(SCOFFS) That fuddy-duddy?

He's not a fuddy-duddy. He's strong and dependable.

And he takes care of me

and protects me from people like you.

I just want him to know how much I love him.

And I'm gonna make everything here exactly the way he wants it.

I'll fix the hole in the skylight

and the leak in the closet.

And I'll put in a bathtub.

And I'll even carry him upstairs every night,

'cause that's how much I love him.

Paul?

Paul?

Hey.

Paul?

Paul!

(YELPS)

My God, you idiot, you're gonna kill yourself!

Come down from there. No.

I want to be a nut,

just like everybody else in this building!

(SCREAMS) No.

No, Paul, I don't want you to be a nut. Come down, please.

No.

Not until you've said it again, loud and clear.

Anything, Paul, anything.

My husband...

My husband...

(SNEEZING)

Paul Bratter...

Paul Bratter...

Rising young attorney...

(SCREAMING) Rising young...

Rising young attorney...

Is a lousy, stinking drunk.

Is a lousy, stinking drunk.

And I love him.

I love you, too, Corie.

Even when I didn't like you, I loved you.

Then, Paul, would you please come down from there?

I can't, not now.

Why?

'Cause I'm going to be sick.

Oh, no! Oh, yes.

Don't move, Paul. I'm gonna be right up there to get you.

Would you do that? Because I'm getting panicky.

Paul, I'm coming. I'm coming.

Corie? Co... Corie!

Corie! What?

What, Paul, what?

Don't leave me.

Paul, listen, you're gonna be all right.

Just hold on tight and try to be calm.

How? (STAMMERING) What should I do?

What should he do? What should he do?

Sing.

Sing?

Sing, Paul. Sing as loud as you can.

And don't stop till I get there.

You promise me you'll keep singing.

I promise. I'll keep singing.

Okay, now don't stop until I get there, Paul.

I love you, darling. Keep singing, Paul.

Corie? Corie, Corie!

Corie! What, Paul?

What song should I sing?

Shama, shama.

Shama? Sing it, Paul.

(SINGING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

Shama, shama.

(PAUL SINGING DRUNKENLY)

(CONTINUES SINGING)

What's happening? I don't know.

They're looking up at this house.

Oh, Paul.

Oh, good. They made up.

♪ La la la...

♪ So come along My barefoot love

♪ To the fields that shine with spring

♪ Though it's 10 below Let me go

♪ Knee-deep in daisies with you ♪