Original subtitles

Hello there and good evening.

How y'�ll doing?

Because I'm fine, thanks for asking.

Everything is going good with the kids.

Listen, I'm not gonna even front.

Everything is great. I am the glue...

that holds the family together.

Y'�ll know the story.

Y'�ll know my sister had a little problem with drugs...

and I'm taking care of her kids till she get herself together.

Y'�ll know about it. Ain't no big secret.

Now I bet y'�ll thought those crumb-snatchers...

were gonna run all over me by now.

Well, you were wrong.

What, you don't believe me?

Check it out.

Stop looking at me and check it out.

- Here you go, baby girl. - Uncle Bernie, where's my backpack?

On the kitchen table, son. And your lunch right next to it. I got you. I got you.

Did you remember my apple?

Baby, it's cut, cored and ziplocked. Right there.

Uncle Bernie, you forgot to refill my asthma medicine.

Uh-uh. Your ear cream is inside too.

- You gotta apply it twice a day. - Aw, but it smells funny.

Ain't nobody gonna smell your ear, boy.

Here, sweetie.

It's pizza day. I'll need another dollar.

- It's taco day, senorita. Taco day. - [Car Horn Honks]

Trying to get the Mac man. Adios, amigos.

- [Door Opens, Closes] - I got this.

- Hey, baby. - Hey, baby.

- You want some breakfast? - Oh, honey, I don't have time.

Oh, I set up a playdate forJordan this afternoon.

- A playdate? - Yeah, it's Cameron, my senior V.P.'s son.

- Why you just now telling me? - I'm sorry, baby.

I've just been so busy with work.

- Baby, you messing with my plans. - Did you have something planned?

Yes, I had something planned. I planned on going with the flow...

and a playdate messes with my flow.

And you clogging up my flow, you know?

- Oh. - Oh.

Just for me?

- Hey, I ain't that easy, baby. - I know, baby.

Jordan, I want you and Cameron either to play in your room or outside.

'Cause I've cleaned this whole house up today...

and I don't want you all running in and out like maniacs, okay?

Okay.

Hi, Bernie. I'm Tracy, and this is Cameron.

- Hi, Cam. - Get your finger out of your nose.

Hi, I'm Carrie.

- Allison, we do not throw plums. - [Children Clamoring]

That's Allison. She's mine.

- And this is Joy and Brian. - Oh, Lord.

- Brian and Joy belong to Renee. - Inside voices! Inside voices!

- Please tell me you have Valium. - Hi.

- Hi. - Hi. Tracy, listen.

Wanda just told me that Cameron was coming by himself.

Oh. No, no, no. I told Wanda I was bringing the whole gang.

I'm really sorry.

That's okay. She just didn't tell me. That's all right.

- Oh, my husband does that to me all the time. - Mm.

Did she at least tell you about the company picnic this Saturday?

- Company picnic? - Uh-huh. Same thing.

What am I going to do with a house full of women? I'm a man.

- Bernie Mac's a man's man. - [Carrie] What a gorgeous crystal bowl.

Hey, don't touch! I'll be right back.

I love, love this house.

Wanda's got such impeccable taste.

Actually, sweetheart, I designed all of this.

What? Get out!

No, no. I did, I did.

I picked out the tile, the cabinets, the whole nine yards, everything.

[Chuckling] I forgot you're a comedian.

- He's pulling our leg. - "Picked out the tile." Hilarious.

I'm serious. Come here, come here. Look at this.

You see this? I know a cat downtown, about this high.

This guy speaks no English.

You come in, show him what you got He'll make it for you.

Designer look, Target prices.

- [All Together] No. - Yeah, I'm serious.

And you know what? It gets better. You wanna see the rest of the house?

- My God, yes. - Come on.

I just didn't want boring terra-cotta in here. I needed more color.

So I went with the Santa Fe feel.

More old school to offset the new school.

My husband wouldn't know terra-cotta if it hit him in the face.

[Chuckles] Wow.

I used to draw when I was a little boy. Now this room...

this is my favorite 'cause I like the colors.

I wanted something real different. You know what I mean?

Uncle Bernie, we need food.

- Excuse me? - Please.

All right. I'll whip you cats up something to eat.

- No, no, Bernie. We'll feed the kids when we get them home. - No, no. It's no problem.

- You all like quesadillas? - You're just gonna whip up quesadillas?

- I sure will. - Uncle Bernie has to give me soy cheese...

because regular cheese gives me diarrhea.

Aw. That is so thoughtful.

No, actually I do it for myself. Baby girl, she's little, but she's deadly.

[Laughing]

- Come on, ladies. What you think? - Fabulous.

- It's really good. Man. - What's your secret?

Well, it's an old family recipe...

and if I tell you, I gotta kill you.

[Laughing]

- Good afternoon, Vanessa. - Hey.

- Teenagers. - [Sighs]

Would it kill them to be civil?

I've got two, and I'll be honest, sometimes I just want to...

Bust their head till the white meat show!

- [Laughing] - That's great.

- Can I use that? - You sure can.

[Together] Bust their head till the white meat shows.

- Oh, yeah. - If that don't work, hit 'em in the throat.

- Oh! - [Laughing]

No. Don't really hit them in the throat.

Beat 'em in their sleep.

Pow! Kick 'em like an extra point.

Good. [Cackling]

Ladies, I just don't know how to describe it.

It's peace.

I mean serene peace.

My heart just fell wide open.

My soul was laid bare.

Ladies, I knew. I swear to God I knew.

I found my wife.

I knew I was in love.

- Another margarita? - Ah, yeah. - No, Bernie.

I'm having a great time with you all today. I really am.

[Wanda] You wouldn't believe my day.

- Hi, Wanda. - Oh, hey.

Wanda, you have got the greatest husband.

Really, he is quite the man.

- Thank you, sweetheart. Thank you. - I know.

Baby, I'm famished.

Oh, did I tell you the whole gang was coming today?

No kidding.

Honey, if you weren't gonna cook, you should've called.

I would've picked something up.

- Just like my husband. - Okay.

- See you at the... - Later.

See you at the picnic.

Honey, did I tell you about the picnic?

- I don't know. Did you? - Can we go?

Drop it like it's hot.

- Can we still go? - Yeah, I wanna go.

Oh, I see the guys from my division. Honey, you sure you got the kids?

I got 'em. Go ahead. Do your thing.

Tie your shoe up, son.

Hey, there's Cameron. I'm gonna go play.

Go ahead. Go ahead.

Stay where I can see you, Jordan.

And don't go past the trash can.

- And don't play in the trash can. - I need your keys.

- I'm gonna wait in the car. - Oh, no. You're gonna stay right here...

and pretend like you're having a good time, baby.

Hey, don't you go to Baja Vista?

- All right. I guess I'll stay. - Yeah, all right.

- Hey, Bernie, over here. - Hey. Hey.

[Together] Bust your head till the white meat shows.

Y'�ll been drinking without me?

- Thank you, baby. - When are we getting together again?

You make the call. Give me a notice. I'll send the kids to the pound.

- I know, put 'em to sleep. - Mm-mm.

- That's your last one. You done had enough girl. - I'll take that.

- Boy, y'�ll something else. - Bernie. Hey, Tracy.

- Hey, baby. - This is Marshall, my boss.

- This is Greg. I'm his boss. - Okay.

- And David, we're up for the same job. - What's up, David? Good.

I finally get to meet the man behind this great lady.

Aw, I wouldn't say behind nobody, man.

I think me and her are more side by side.

Now, if she want me to get behind her, I can get behind her.

- Drop it like it's hot. - Bernie, that's my boss.

- So, uh... So, Bernie. - Yeah.

I understand that you're, uh, you're a stay-at-home dad.

- I have to tell you, I really admire that. - I ain't no stay-at-home dad.

Now my kids, they stay-at-home kids 'cause I let them stay at home. Get it?

- [All Laughing] - Oh, I see.

Yeah, Wanda told me that you were a comedian.

Well, I think that's just great. You know, I wish, uh...

I wish my Tracy had an outlet like that.

I don't really have an outlet. I got a successful career.

- Listen. You wanna talk about career, my friend? - Uh-huh.

Your wife is on the fast track. Oh, yeah.

If she keeps going the way she's going...

you'll be able to give up this whole stand-up comedy thing...

and, uh, you know, stay home, be a stay-home dad, huh? [Laughs]

- You think so? You got it figured out? - Yeah. Sure.

Man, you might be right. You might be right.

Look. I'm gonna get me some beef. Let y'�ll talk.

Okay, stay-at-home dad right over there.

What's going on here, America?

Bernie Mac ain't no apron-wearing, stay-at-home...

Betty-Crocker-baking, Susie homemaker.

What the hell is this?

Who's been eating Cheetos in my chair?

I just cleaned this whole doggone place.

Now, hold on. Hold on, now. Hold on.

This don't make me less of a man because I like things...

a little neat and tidy, America... no, it don't.

Y'�ll getting the wrong impression about Bernie Mac. Y'�ll not seeing the real me.

Stop, Bryana, stop.

Yeah, Mrs. Bailey gives way too much homework.

- I know. And why does she wear the same blue dress every day? - [Chuckles] Yeah.

- Hey, are you gonna go to the '70s dance tomorrow night? - I don't know. Maybe.

Aw, come on. You have to be there.

All right. I'm going as Superfly. I got the hat, the long coat, everything.

- Who are you coming as? - It's a surprise.

Surprise? Okay, all right.

I'll find you. You are comin' right?

Yeah.

Talkin' bout outlet, man. He don't know nothin' about me, man.

People out here in L.A., they crazy.

- Excuse me, Mr. Mac? - Yes.

I overheard you talking to the guys, and I just want to say thank you.

- For what? - For sticking up for us stay-at-home dads.

Those men over there, they just don't get it.

See, they go to offices, but we go to work.

And I'm not ashamed to say I love my kids, my wife...

my house, my garden, my arts and crafts.

It doesn't make me any less of a man.

- Hey, you want to get together sometime? - No.

Hell, no. Bernie Mac is 100% real man.

Hell, no. Bernie Mac is 100% real man.

Yes, sirree, Bob, baby. One hundred percent man.

Smell the "tostesterone" up in here.

Smell it! I can smell it! And I can feel it too.

I can feel gum.

Who in the hell put gum... Somebody put gum under my chair.

I'm gonna kill somebody up in here tonight.

You watch.

Jordan, I'm gonna knock the "ba" off this ball, man.

- I want you to take off running, you hear? - Okay.

You can do it. You can do it. Yes, sir.

Man coming up now. You know that, don't you?

Huh? Hey, center field, get back.

- [Woman] Go, Bernie. - Get back.

Get all the way back. Keep on going.

The police will stop you. Pitching to a man now.

Yeah, come on.

Come on up here.

Son, put the ball right here.

- Put the ball right here! Right here! - I'm trying, okay?

- Try harder! - Hey. Ease up, Bern. Ease up.

He ain't got no business out there if he don't know what he doing.

Tired of this. I ain't here for no foolishness.

I'm gonna show you what a... Yeah.

- [Crowd Cheering] - I'll do it myself.

- [Cheering, Booing] - Drop it!

[Crowd Booing]

[Yelling]

Safe!

Get off me.

Boom! Took 'em out, didn't I?

I can't believe how you acted out there. I work with those people.

I can't believe you going around telling people I'm some kind of Martha Stewart.

Martha Stewart? Oh, honey, she could never do what you do.

You are Martha Stewart times ten.

Oh, baby, I didn't mean it like that.

- Where are you going? - You don't ask a man where he's going.

Where are you going?

I love you.

I gotta find Bernie Mac.

I gotta get Bernie Mac back.

I don't like what I've become.

I need to go to the one place where they understand me, speak my language.

[Woman Speaking Korean]

- I guess you're right. - Sure I'm right.

- You're a strong black man, Bernie Mac. - Damn right.

- Right, Papa Kim? - Mm. Bernie Mac proud black man too.

Yeah. Yeah.

"Bernie Mac, what you doing in a nail salon?" Now, hold on, now.

America, keeping your nails and skin up is no woman thing.

Not at all, not at all.

Let's not forget that Bernie Mac is a public personality, an entertainer.

It ain't just an outlet. I have to look good.

Gotta keep my game nice and tight.

Bernie Mac don't wake up looking like this.

See, Mama Kim's is where I relax.

I've been going to Mama Kim's for years.

They're like family. Like you and me, America.

They help me focus on my thoughts...

see things more clearly.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

[Chuckles] Take care of myself.

Mama Kim, can I ask you a question?

I don't know why Asian girls are all into black men.

- They like the "bling bling." - No, no, no, no.

Mama Kim, I wanna know how can I get people to see the real Bernie Mac.

I mean, Bernie Mac, the man.

Don't worry about other people, Bernie Mac. Just be yourself.

- That's all you can do. - Just be Bernie Mac.

And they are right.

Just be Bernie Mac. Doggone it.

And Bernie Mac ain't gonna be nobody's mama.

That's for damn sure.

[Chuckling] They're right.

?? [Man Singing]

[Poker Chips Clicking]

?? [Fades]

Brother Bernie, you gonna fold or what?

- Huh? - Fold.

Hell, no.

I ain't gonna fold or fluff or iron or prewash.

And I'm not gonna soak fine washables no more either. I'm tired.

- How 'bout playing? You gonna play? - Hey, man.

Bernie Mac don't play.

Uncle Bernie, I need you to put in my ear cream.

- Go ask Aunt Wanda, Jordan. - She's still at the store.

All right, come here.

- Which ear giving you the problem? - This one.

- Bye! - Ow. Ow.

- Ow. - I'm tired, man.

- Every time I turn around, man... - Uncle Bernie, I'm thirsty.

Can you get me something to drink?

Baby girl, go in the kitchen and pour yourself some juice.

- But I might spill it. - If you spill it, you got a cleaning job to do.

- Now get. Go. - Okay.

Anytime I turn around, the kids come asking me. I'm not their mama, man.

- Uh, Bernie. - What?

- What? - I wanna ask you a question.

No you don't. You wanna... Y'�ll hear that?

Vanessa wanna ask me a question. Can you believe it?

- Never mind. - No, no, no, no.

Cause I wanna hear this. I wanna hear it.

Okay. Do you... Do you think this looks '70s?

Seventy what?

My costume for the '70s dance.

Oh. Who you dressed as?

It's stupid.

I'm supposed to beJackie from That '70s Show.

You know, where she does the thing, and then she has the other thing...

and the other thing and, you know, the thing.

- What '70s show? - That 70's Show.

Do you mean Jackee from 227? Wasn't that in the '80s?

- Yeah. That was in the '80s. - I'm not even gonna go.

You're on your own.

I wasn't gonna say nothing, but that outfit was wack.

- You not gonna help her out? - No, I'm not gonna help her out.

Nessa already think she's grown. She on her own.

I should help her out man. I ruled the '70s.

What do you mean, you ruled the '70s?

Man, I put the "P" in P-funk.

Hey, I should help the girl out.

You put the pee in your pajamas. You were four in the '70s, man.

I'll help her. Back in the day, I was the pop-lock king.

All right? Just needing advice from a pro.

Son, brother man. Sit back down.

If anybody gonna help my niece, it's gonna be me. I ran the '70s.

I was the first one to get up on the down stroke.

I'm the one that told Earth, Wind they needed to pick up Fire.

- [Laughing] - I talked to Kool about getting a gang.

It was me who went toJames Brown about theJ.B.

- I was one of'em, baby. I was all up in there. - [All Laughing]

- [Doorbell Rings] - This is my house, and I live here.

[Vanessa] Tell them I'm not going.

She's going. She'll be a few minutes. Come on. Come on.

You look pretty. Baby.

Hey.

Come on.

Bernie, be nice, be nice.

?? [Disco]

?? [Continues]

?? [Continues]

?? [Continues]

?? [Continues]

- ?? [Ends] - Come on now, man. Come on.

There's Bernie.

- Told you I got skills. - Hold on, hold on.

Men, boys and girls. Introducing part of my heart...

my niece, Coffy.

Come on, baby. Come on. Come on. You look beautiful. Come on.

Come on, y'�ll, look at this here. My girl.

- Go on with your bad self, foxy mama. - Look like a bag of skittles.

- Yeah, mami. What's your name? What's your name? - [Wanda] I'm home.

- Aunt Wanda, come here. - Oh! Check you out.

- Where did you get those boots, girl? - He made them.

Honey, you're too much.

Just being Bernie Mac.

- Let me see. - Come on, guys. Let's go.

[All Chattering, Indistinct]

All right gang, let's go.

Remember, ladies, pretty is as pretty does.

Bobby Seale, Rerun, you better watch yourself.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

- Why don't you get a sweater? It might get cold. - I'm good.

Sweetheart, sweetheart.

Remember, if you need anything, Nessa, just call me, you hear?

- Okay. - Bernie Mac, you are definitely the man.

Aw, baby. Wait, wait, wait! Nessa!

- Let me take a picture. Hurry up. - Ooh, baby, I'll get it.

- Dang, he's worse than my mother. - I got your mama!

I can't help it. It's just a part of who Bernie Mac is.

Doesn't mean Bernie Mac isn't a strong man.

What's important is that I know who I am.

Doesn't matter what anybody think. You remember that.

Bernie, come on. We made a fresh batch.

I'll be right there.

Excuse me.

Still the man.

[Laughing]

I'm gonna show you who Bernie Mac is.

Bernie Mac is 100% real man, baby.

Yes, sir, 100%.

Can you smell the "tartesta"... What is it?

- [Woman, Faint] Testosterone. - "Testosto"...Test...

Uh, testosterone.

[People Laughing]

Can you smell the testosterone up in here?

Smell it! Smell this testosterone up in here.

Smell like mendacity.