Original subtitles

[Coughing]

Yeah, I'm sick. [Clearing Throat]

I'm sick as a dog.

I can't even taste my cigar.

You know what? I didn't even see it comin'.

How could I? Man, I ain't been sick in years.

The last time I was sick, the Ohio Players had a hit.

? Roller coaster...? You know.

?? [Hums] You know.

It's those doggone kids. Oh, I know what you're sayin'.

"Bernie Mac, kids so cute and cuddly." Not to me.

They're nasty, dirty, disease-carrying midgets, like rats.

Only different... no tails, and their teeth not as sharp.

Hey, the only reason I'm talkin' about 'em so bad...

is because they ruined my plan.

All I wanted to do was to go to Vegas.

- [Laughing] - Y'�ll tryin' to box, man?

- You got kids now. - Bernie, I'm goin' to bed.

- Oh. Showtime over. - No, no, no, no.

I'm goin' to bed because I'm tired.

You finish up your game, Mr. Bachelor.

And when you become a daddy again...

don't forget to mail those invitations for Bryana's birthday party.

- Drop it like it's hot, baby. - Ooh.

- Birthday party? - Yeah.

- It's over for you, man. - What you mean by that?

- You ain't comin' to Vegas. - What?

You got kids with germs and all kinds of craziness comin' in your house.

First of all, man, it ain't even like that.

My immune system got me through the '80s.

- [Laughing] - Okay?

- And second of all, man, Bernie Mac don't get sick. - Yeah.

- Yeah, hey, Bernie Mac don't get sick. - Huh!

- Tell 'em, big fella. - Oh, really? Ten bucks...

says super Mac gets sick.

- You playin' with your light bill, huh? - Oh! Hey!

Wait a minute. I got a little action on that.

Twenty bucks say Bernie Mac don't make it to Vegas because he's sick, huh?

First of all... hold it... you always cosign everything this brother say... all the time.

Second of all, it's not even like that.

It's gonna be a family thing. A small...

A few of Bryana's friends gonna be over. That's it. That's all.

- Mr. Mac? Hi! - Yes?

- Sorry to bother you. - Hi.

Bryana tells me that she's having a party...

and that you wouldn't let her invite her whole class.

Bryana, you said that? You rat on me like that?

- I didn't say that, ma'�m. No, I didn't. - You can't do that.

- Pardon? - If you invite one child from the class...

you have to invite the whole class.

But you knew that, right?

So you're saying that if I invite one child...

I have to invite all these germy, nasty...

filthy little kids to the party, right?

- [Laughing] - Yeah.

Oh, right, right.

Listen, I took the liberty of inviting everyone for you.

Okay?

"Took the liberty..." Fine. They all can come.

But I'm gonna tell you one thing.

If one of those kids cough and doesn't cover their mouth...

I should have the right to pop 'em upside the head.

Hold on. I didn't say I would do it.

- I said I should have the right. Puttin' these nasty germs on me. - [Toots]

?? [R& B]

Bryana's told me so much about your Kristen.

We'll have to get together for lunch sometime.

Oh, I would love that. That would be good, yeah.

?? [Continues]

- ? Roller coaster oflove? - ? Say what?

- There you go. - Achoo!

? Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo Roller coaster oflove?

? Roller coaster?

Sweetheart, let me get this right here. Thank you.

I think everybody's ready for cake now, Bernie.

- ? Roller coaster? - The name is Mr. Mac to you, son, okay? Say it.

- Mr. Mac. - Thank you.

Whoo! One more! One more! One more!

- [All Cheering] - ? Roller coaster, Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo?

- Okay, get over there. - Can I do it?

Yeah, go ahead. Give your girlfriend a high five.

There you go. There you go, Bryana and Lori. Okay.

- Hit it! Hit it! Oh! - Whoo!

[People Whooping]

- Here come the cake. - [Kids Cheering]

Cake time!

? Well, well?

? Hey?

- ? Roller coaster oflove? - ? Say what?

Step up and blow 'em out, baby girl. Blow 'em out!

- ? Roller coaster Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo? - ? Love roller coaster?

- ? Roller coaster oflove?? - [Applause]

[Kids Coughing]

[Coughing Intensifies]

[Coughing Continues]

[Gagging]

Oh, Lord Jesus, no.

- Bernie? - Huh?

- What's wrong? - Baby, don't go in there, please.

- Oh, Bernie. - They got Ebola.

I know what's goin' on. Come here.

See, they got sick on purpose.

Doin' everything they can to keep me from goin' to Vegas.

Probably was Vanessa's idea. Mm-hmm.

Hmm. 101!

My poor babies. Bernie, would you help me here?

Mm-mm... Uh, yeah.

- Take your temperature, boy. - I feel great!

- Are you sure? - Mm-hmm.

If you're not gonna come here, run Jordan to school...

and I'll stay here with the girls till you get back.

Okay. Come on, boy. Makin' me miss Regis and Kelly.

- You know I like to watch TV this time of day. - Sorry.

? It's a beautiful morn?

?? [Whistling]

- Uh-oh. - What, you forgot somethin'?

- [Jordan Vomiting] - Oh, Lord Jesus, no!

Jordan, don't lay in it! Stop layin' in it!

I'm talkin' about 20-02 Escalade.

Cadillac. You'd be mad too.

Still had the new car smell and everything.

Plush interior, calf leather seats.

Diamond in the back. You know the rest.

[Water Spraying]

Little liar. Said he didn't eat my pork chop.

That's my boy.

Take it like a man! Like a man!

Go ahead.

Make fun of me. Say I look silly. [Chuckles]

So what? Sticks and stones may...

[Jordan] Uncle Bernie, I'm cold!

I'll be right back.

Uncle Bernie... Uncle Bernie, I'm cold.

You ain't cold, boy. That's just your chill fightin' your fever.

Yeah, okay.

[Grunting] Yeah, where was I?

Oh, yeah. Sticks and stones. [Chuckles]

I bet you won't be laughin' at me when I be in Vegas...

chillin' at the roulette table.

I bet you that. I bet you won't be...

[Muffled] Uncle Bernie, you left the thermometer in my mouth!

Hold on one minute.

- That's a good look for you. - Actually, I got it from your Aunt Wanda, baby...

if it's any of your business.

Okay, here you go. Here you go, my man.

Would you tell him to get me a juice?

Uncle Bernie, could you get Vanessa a juice?

I'm sittin' right here. Why didn't you ask me when I was in here a minute ago?

Tell him I wasn't thirsty then.

- She said she wasn't thirsty then. - I heard her.

Ask her, what did I do to her to make her talk to me like she do?

What? You can't talk to me directly?

- You're the one talkin' to your brother. - I'm just messin' with you.

[Muttering]

Damn, girl, you make me sick every doggone day. You make me sick!

[Panting]

- Oh, boy. You... - [Jordan] Uncle Bernie, I need a cough drop!

[Vanessa] And ask him where myjuice is!

[Jordan] Where's Vanessa's juice?

A few minutes.

Juice!

Hey, wait. Where's my cough drop?

Oh, man!

[Distorted] Oh, no!

[Panting, Chuckles]

Yeah, I know what you're thinkin'. "Bernie, why you so dramatic?"

Dramatic? If you never been to Vegas with the boys, I can't explain it to you.

Only thing I can say to you... Viva Las Vegas, baby!

[Bryana] Uncle Bernie, I had a B.M., and I threw up!

Oh, I'm sick of this.

[Sighs] Ooh. [Mutters]

That's most of it.

Now for you.

Hop in the tub so I can hose you down.

[Sighs] Ready for the day, Bernie.

Ah. Ah.

Tongue's same color.

Lymph "nods" really looking good.

Eyes not bloodshot. Good boy. Good boy. [Kisses]

- ? Who's the man You're the man? - [Snapping Fingers]

? Strong, healthy black man? [Grunts]

?? [Humming]

? Time to celebrate Celebrate?

? Bernie Mac goin' to Vegas?

? Goin' to Vegas?

? What you gonna eat? ?? [Humming]

? Somethin' healthy Hell, no?

?? [Humming Continues]

? Cake, cake?

? What you gonna eat? [Grunts]

? What you gonna eat Somethin' healthy?

- ? Birthday cake?? - ? Roller coaster oflove?

- ? Say what? - ? Roller coaster?

? Heh, heh??

[Coughs]

[Hoarse Voice] Yep. Now I got it. Y'�ll saw me.

I was careful. I used all the precautions.

It's those doggone kids.

I should've laminated those doggone kids.

What the heck was I thinkin'? But that's okay.

Now my boys are goin' to Vegas without me.

But all Bernie Mac gotta do is get a little rest.

A little shut-eye gets the red-eye.

A little shut-eye, baby, Bernie Mac can catch the red-eye.

[Coughing]

The kids are feelin' better, so I'll run them to school...

- so you have nothing to worry about. - Mm-mm-mm-mm-mm.

- I'll come home early to check on you... - [Coughing]

Bring you some ginger ale with all the bubbles stirred out.

- That'll settle your stomach. - [Unintelligible]

- [Snorting] - I know, baby. I know.

What can the mama do?

Can you rub some of that on my chest?

- ? Ain't no woman like the one I got? - I wouldn't ask you...

That's okay. The baby. The mama little baby. [Baby Talk]

No, sir! No, sir! You all not gonna watch her rub that stuff on my chest.

Uh-uh. Ain't nothin' sacred between man and wife?

Y'�ll just nosy. Always wanna be in somebody's business. [Chuckles]

Oh, honey, Bryana's feeling a little feverish.

Are you well enough to keep an eye on her? I'm gonna leave her at home.

Aunt Wanda, I can stay home and watch Bryana if you want.

- I mean, it's not a problem. - Oh, no, no. Nice try, baby girl.

You just tryin' to get out of school.

I'll be all right. You go on to school.

- [Coughing] - Let's go.

Jordan!

Uncle Bernie, will you play with me?

Bryana, Uncle Bernie tired. Can you play by yourself today?

Okay. I'll get the scissors.

No! No, baby, don't get no scissors.

I'll play with you, okay? For just 10 minutes.

This is Chrissy, and yours is Cindy.

All right. [Sighs]

I'm going to the store. Do you wanna go?

- Mm-mmm. - No, Uncle Bernie. Not like that.

You have to hold her up.

Okay. Let's go to the store.

- No. - No, Uncle Bernie.

- You have to talk like Cindy. - [High-pitched Voice] No!

You have to say yes, Uncle Bernie.

- Yes! - Okay.

- Let's go to the store. - All right.

No, Uncle Bernie, she doesn't walk like that.

- She walks like this. - Okay, Bryana.

- Like this. - Okay. But, Bryana...

Uncle Bernie, he's too old to play with dolls.

Can we play something else, baby?

?? [Drums, Tambourine]

I'm gonna read to you and make you feel all better.

[Sighs]

That'd be nice, baby girl. [Sniffles]

But first, Uncle Bernie gonna take a nap for one hour.

Just one hour. And then you can read...

we play dollies, whatever else you wanna do, okay?

- Okay - Good.

But first, I'll read to you.

Once upon a time, there was a beautiful princess...

who lived in a big, beautiful, purple castle.

It was orange too.

She had 13 dogs and eight cats...

and no birds.

And what else there happened...

The... The bear died anyway, because...

The bear dies, because ifhe lives somewhere...

if he lives somewhere, he would, um...

He would not... he wouldn't die.

- Lfhe wouldn't live nowhere, he would die. - Whew.

- The bear... - Man, I-I don't know how much more I can take.

America, I'm sorry. This girl about to drive me crazy.

- I didn't know she knew that many words. - The door was locked.

- Y'�ll got to pray for me. You gotta pray for me. - [Bryana Stops Talking]

I think she's through.

- [Floor Creaks] - [Bryana] Uncle Bernie! Uncle Bernie!

[Crying]

Why are you crying?

Oh, Bryana...

girl, [Grunts]

It's only 10:00 in the mornin'.

I know. Let's play parade again.

No. I don't wanna play no parade.

- Hey, I gotta idea. - [Snaps Fingers]

Come on, sit with Uncle Bernie right quick. Oh!

I gotta idea.

- Let's play hide-and-seek. - Yea!

Okay, you hide, and I'll come look for you.

- I'll count to 100, okay? - Okay.

Okay. One, two, three...

Hide good, now.

Oh! One...

two...

[Bryana Crying]

Oh, Bryana, Bryana.

[Crying Continues]

Baby girl, I'm sorry I didn't come lookin' for you, okay?

You hurt my feelings, Uncle Bernie.

Oh, Bryana, you the last person I wanna hurt.

I just had to get some rest.

- I was tryin' to get better so I can go to Vegas. Hey. - [Snaps Fingers]

Hey, baby girl, you see this timer?

It's set for one hour. In one hour, you gonna hear "ding, ding."

When you hear "ding, ding," you and me can play all you want.

Before "ding, ding," me. After "ding, ding," you. Okay?

- Okay. - Say, "Ding, ding."

- Ding, ding. - Girl, that's it.

- [Ticking] - ?? [Humming]

Bryana, come here, baby girl!

I can't, Uncle Bernie.

You need to get your rest.

Never mind that. Listen.

Go into the hall closet...

get me some toilet tissue and throw it to me, okay?

- Hurry up. It's important. - I can't, Uncle Bernie.

It didn't go "ding, ding."

Ding, ding, baby girl! Ding, ding! Hurry up now!

Uncle Bernie, did you have a B.M., or are you "frowning" up?

Hurry, hurry up! Come on, Bryana, hurry up!

I can't reach it.

Okay, listen, listen, listen.

Go in the kitchen, pour yourself somejuice...

and stay in the kitchen and drink it, okay?

- Okay. - All right. Hurry up, baby girl! Hurry up!

- You drinkin' your juice? - I drank it.

All right. Get yourself another one.

[Door Opens]

Aw. I'm so glad he got his rest.

- [Footsteps Approaching] - Shh. Come on.

Let's let them sleep. I'll take you to get some tacos.

- You like tacos? - I don't know.

- You don't? - No.

[Door Closes]

[Engine Starts]

Wanda! Wanda! Wanda!

- Wanda! Wanda. - [Car Departing]

[Crying] Wanda.

[Crying Continues]

Uncle Bernie...

do you remember you told us...

not to throw anything on the floor...

or we might break something?

- Yeah. - Chrissy didn't listen.

Maybe we should give her a time-out.

Okay.

Grown-ups shouldn't be left alone with kids all day.

It ain't right. It's not natural...

like fish flyin', birds in the sea.

It's my kin, my flesh and blood.

But I'm gonna say it. You ain't gonna like it.

She's boring, dull...

dull as a rock.

This was the dullest day of my life.

Had I spent another day with, another minute...

- I probably would've, uh... - [Record Scratches]

Uncle Bernie, you hurt my feelings.

[Clears Throat] I'm... Come here, baby girl.

Come sit with me for a while.

Oh, Bryana. [Grunts]

I'm sorry. You know what?

I appreciate you takin' care of your Uncle Bernie like you did today, okay?

- Okay. - Now do me a favor.

Go in the kitchen, make yourself somethin' to drink.

I gotta finish talkin' to America right now. Okay?

- Okay. - Okay. Mm! I love you.

She's still dull, boring. [Sniffles]

Anyway, I didn't get no better.

Didn't even get a chance to go to Vegas.

But I did get a chance to play blackjack.

[Coughs]

- Hit me. - Uncle Bernie, you can't hit on a 20.

- He's stupid. - Hit me.

[Groans]

Once upon a time, there was a beautiful princess...

who lived in a big, beautiful, purple castle... it was orange too.

She had 13 dogs and eight cats and no birds.

What color was it, purple or orange?

It was... It was purple.

Just makin' up stuff.

You did that.

You can't read.