Original subtitles

[Soft Grunt]

Look at this.

I mean, I just went outside to get the newspaper. I'm talking about 30 seconds.

And look at me. It's so damn hot.

California. In the middle of winter, it's 95 degrees.

Bernie Mac, why don't you get in your pool? I can't. It's being drained.

But I'll tell you one thing, America, Bernie Mac gonna sit right here...

and chill for the rest of the day.

- [Jordan] I go first! - [Bryana] I go first!

- I do! - I do!

- Red goes first! - I don't care. I'm just gonna sit here and chill.

- Red goes first! - Black goes first!

- No, it doesn't! - Yes, it does!

- [Arguing Continues] - I don't understand.

Heat's supposed to make them kids tired. Kinda slow 'em down.

I guess if they're kids from hell they're used to the heat.

- No, it doesn't! - Yes, it does!

- No, it doesn't! - Yes, it does!

- You don't know how to play! - Okay. Okay. I can't take it no more.

- Yes, it does! - No, it doesn't!

Hey, hey, hey! Stop it! I want you all to play quietly.

Uncle Bernie, will you play with us?

Sweetheart, it's too hot. I don't wanna play. I just wanna cool off today.

We'll cool you off if you play with us. [Blows]

- Jordan. Jordan. - See, I'm giving you a cool breeze.

- Jordan, Jordan, Jordan. Listen. - You wanna chase us?

Hell, no, I'm not gonna chase you. Now, Jordan... Stop it. Stop it.

I want you all to play quiet. Quiet.

- [Whispering] Red goes first. - Black goes first.

- No, it doesn't. - Yes, it does.

Ohh.

Uncle Bernie, will you play with me?

What's wrong with these kids? When did it become my job to entertain them?

I entertain grown-ups. Children aren't even allowed at my show.

[Mumbles] That little one.

[Blowing Air] Spitting all over. [Scoffs]

The kids just need something to do, Bernie. You should schedule something.

I did schedule something. 10:00, leave me alone. 11:00, leave me alone.

12:00, make my lunch, then leave me alone.

Bernie, you agreed to take the kids in.

It really isn't asking too much for you to play with them for a little while.

Baby, I didn't know it was going to be this doggone hot.

And besides, there's three of'em. They can play with each other.

Stop following me. Hey, Splash Canyon. Can we go?

It has the biggest waterslide in the whole world.

- Yeah, Splash Canyon, Splash Canyon! - Can we go? Can we go?

- Please? - I think that's a great idea, Bernie.

Then the kids can entertain themselves. That is just what you wanted.

You think you slick.

Wanda thinks she's slick. [Chuckling] Boy, I'm a gonna prove her...

Okay, I'll tell you what. I'm gonna take the kids to Splash Canyon.

But, if they give me any excuse to cut the trip short...

I'm gonna take it and I'm gonna sit here guilt-free in my air-conditioned house.

Watch. Any excuse. Sneeze... [lmitates Sneezing]

That sick one wheeze. [Lmitates Wheezing] We comin' back home.

Anything. Glasses fall.

If the big one gets smart. Coming back. Mm, quickness.

[Blows Air] " I thought we were going somewhere?" Mm, psych.

- [Chuckles] Watch. - [Kids] We're going to Splash Canyon!

- [All] Yeah! - [Jordan] Splash Canyon! Splash Canyon!

[Police Siren Blaring]

[Horns Honking]

"Food, gas and lodging next exit."

"Highway 101. Littering, minimum fine $300.

"Benson's Discount Mattresses. Live, nude girls." [Snickers]

Jordan, don't you read another doggone sign. You hear me?

You read another sign... I'm gonna turn this car around.

Them kids need discipline.

Vanessa, what you got the window down for?

- I'm cold. - You're supposed to be cold, the air conditioner on.

Look here, it's hot outside, cold inside.

Raise that window up. If you don't, I'm gonna turn this car around.

Bernie, leave these kids alone. You're just making excuses.

I ain't making no doggone excuses.

Uncle Bernie, are we gonna see The Little Mermaid?

No, baby girl, the mermaid's not gonna be there.

But I wanna see The Little Mermaid.

You wanna see a little mermaid? I have the videotape of The Little Mermaid.

- You wanna see it that bad, I'll turn the car around. - Don't listen to Uncle Bernie.

You kids want a Sticky Chew?

One for you and you...

and one for you.

- [Crying] - What's wrong?

I dropped my Sticky Chew.

- Oh, I'm sorry. Wanda, you got another one? - I only brought three.

- You want me to turn the car around and see if... - Bernie.

- Stop! - Leave her alone, Jordan.

[Mocking] "Leave her alone, Jordan."

God! I just got my hair done.

Are you laughing?

It cost me a hundred and fifty dollars. Turn this car around, Bernie.

- Ain't no way for me to go... - Turn this car around. You make it happen!

- Give me that candy! - I'm gonna turn the car around...

- Turn... Put a blinker on or something. - I got the blinker on, baby.

Get over, Bernie. My hair! [Continues, Indistinct]

I love it, I love it, I love it. I mean, I played it perfectly.

And the bonus is I got to punish the kids indefinitely.

So it's gonna be just what I wanted it the whole time.

Just peace and quiet in the house.

I mean, I'm gonna sit here and watch my D.V.D. In my cool A.C.

I might even have a B.L.T. And some Sunny D.

[Singing] ? Everything's gonna be all right?

[Loud Clang]

Lord, why me? Why me, Lord?

Hey, baby, we got an emergency.

I know. I got Sticky Chew in my hair.

But, Ernesto said he can work me in. [Inhales, Exhales]

I know you're not gonna leave those kids with me in this heat. That's cold.

You wanted to chill. Chill.

Ahh, scandalous.

[Whirring]

I shoulda known, America. Black woman's hair? Takes priority over everything.

We almost didn't do it on our honeymoon night...

because she didn't wanna mess up her bridal do.

Had to take her to the beauty shop first thing in the morning.

Well, not first thing in the morning. [Chuckles]

[Whirring]

- Hey, hey. Where you all going? - We want a Popsicle.

You all are on punishment. You shouldn't even be out your room.

- But it's hot. - Okay, I'll show you hot.

Take this.

Water-flavored Popsicle.

- But... - But nothing. It's called punishment, not "funishment."

Now go on back to your room. Get hot, swallow your spit. Go.

Man, I'm so glad to see you, man.

Do you know how hard it is to get somebody here on a day like today?

This is a nice neighborhood. You, uh, you rent?

- No, I own. - Oh. That's good.

Oh, man. Hey, man, what are we looking at here? Big job, little job?

- What'cha think? - That's a very expensive wristwatch, eh?

It's not my best watch.

Look, man, just do what you gotta do...

'cause I gotta get outta this heat, okay?

Baby, I gotta stay cool, and the key is do as little as possible.

Achieve absolute stillness.

It's very Zen, and the secret is balance.

Like the fans. As one blows east, the other blows west.

It's the yin-yang of cool.

[Jordan] Ow! Oww! Ow, ow. Please, don't!

Now I must go kick those kids in the yin-yang.

A thousand pardons, America. [Mumbling]

- [Jordan] Ow, ow, ow, ow. - Baby girl, what's goin' on?

- Jordan bounced off and hit his head. - Baby girl, s-sit down.

- Sit down. Sit down. - Ow. Oww!

Baby girl, stop! You're busting his head wide open!

- I told you no fun. - I wasn't having fun.

Come on. Get on out of there.

That's it. That's it.

I want you all down on the bed. I want you to sit there and think about what you've done.

- But it's hot. - Heat rises to the top, Jordan.

- Get down on the floor. - You said we couldn't get off our beds.

Don't start with me. 'Cause the more I sweat, the more it's gonna hurt you.

[Groaning] Now these kids got me all hot.

I mean, I gotta cool down. I gotta think cool thoughts.

Lots of icebergs with little penguins on it. Now, see, that's cool.

Oh, yeah.

- [Clattering] - What the...

- Wh... What the... - [Engine Running]

- Hey, man, you finished? - Not yet.

- What's taking you so long? - Very hot, my friend.

- Yeah, but I'm paying you by the hour. - What are you saying?

I'm Russian Mafia? I'm honest man. I fight the Chechnya.

Look, man. Come on. Come on. I didn't mean nothing. I fought Cabrini-Green.

It's just so hot, man. It's the heat.

Go on, take your break.

You want lemonade or something?

Ice tea. Two sugars.

- Straw? - No.

Okay, do it. [Growls]

- [Growls] I'm Aquaman. - [Laughing]

- Ninety-one degrees. - [Water Splashing]

What the...

- Can't get me. I'm too fast for you. - Got ya.

[Bryana] No, you're not. You're not too fast.

Hey, hey, hey! Hey! Hey!

Y'�ll don't listen. I told y'�ll no fun.

We were punishing Jordan for you.

I want y'�ll to clean this mess up, and I want you to clean it now and get back to your room.

Man, it's like a prison in here.

Oh, you think it's like a prison, huh?

Well, I got news for you. It ain't, 'cause in prison, there's hope.

Clean up!

There ain't gonna be no phone for a whole month.

- No video game either. - [Whines]

Baby girl, you can kiss that doggone Barbie doll good-bye. Kiss it.

'Cause they goin'. T hat's enough. Give 'em here. Here.

- That's right. - [Air Conditioner Starts Up]

- Oh, thank you, Lord. - Uncle Bernie, does this mean we're not punished anymore?

This means you can't complain about being hot.

I'm back.

Mmm. Ahh.

Hey, hey. Somebody open the door.

- Who is it? - You know who it is, Nessa. Open this doggone door!

Ow, ow. But we'll get in trouble.

We're already in trouble. If we open the door, are we still punished?

- More punished. - See? - Okay.

Get the door! Open the doggone...

- [Bryana Yelling] - You believe it?

They locked me out of my own house. My house!

A man's home is supposed to be his castle.

You don't lock a king out of his castle.

When I get back in there? I'm throwing those kids in the dungeon.

Don't let me get in there! Oh, don't let me get in there. Whoa!

Baby girl, open the door. Open the door. Come on.

I'm gonna choke you in front of the police. You.

How long can we keep him out there?

Well, we're already in trouble. So we might as well put it off as long as we can.

Ahh.

The patio door!

Ice cream.

Open the door. This isn't funny anymore.

- You're right. It's hilarious. - [Both Laughing]

[Mocking Laugh]

- [Laughter] - It's on.

[Grunts] Okay, okay.

So I underestimated 'em. That's okay. They underestimated me too.

See, I've been married a long time. I've been locked out before.

See, you might not believe this, America...

but there was time Bernie Mac wasn't so easy to live with.

But those times taught me a few tricks.

I ain't dead, believe me. I ain't dead.

They just children. Ah, they think they know something.

I'm getting ready to teach 'em, as soon as my ankle get together.

Don't think I been married all this time, and Wanda ain't locked me out.

[Chuckles] Wake up in the morning, be laying right next to her.

There's a little window over the sink.

Wanda likes to keep it open so you can smell the hydrangeas. I'm home free.

Oh!

Sorry, but we don't want to let any of the cold air out.

- [Jordan Snickering] - Okay.

Might as well raise the stakes now, baby. 'Cause Bernie Mac won't give up.

I can take anything they dish out. Anything. It'sonnow.

Be ready to pop! Pop!

Vanessa? Vanessa? Come on now.

- I'm tired. Let me in. - Look, I'm Bernie Mac.

- Boy, take your medicine! - [Vanessa Laughs]

Nessa, get off that phone. Don't breathe unless I tell you to.

- I'm gonna kill one of them kids. - Nessa!

Get out of my chair! That's my chair!

- It's my chair. - My house!

- My world! - [Snickering]

Not anymore.

- [Man Whispering] The key. - What?

Who said that? I must be having the sunstroke.

[Man] Look under the mat.

I hope it ain't what I think it is.

I'm sorry for my sins.

[Man] The key.

- Delete all files. - [Beeps]

What's he up to?

- [Man] The key. - The spare key!

- Got you. Give me that key. - [Jordan] No!

Bryana, the key!

Noo!

- We have to go back for her. - Face it, he's got her.

- [Sighs] - Baby girl, don't be scared.

Uncle Bernie's not mad at you. Uncle Bernie loves you.

In fact, I want you to join up with me...

since your brother and sister abandoned you.

What's "a-band"?

Um, abandon is when somebody leave you behind.

And since they did that, I want you to be on my side now, okay?

- Okay. - Okay.

We'll make you a deal.

We'll give you an ice-cold pitcher of lemonade with your little fan...

- and you give us Bryana back. - No way. We don't wanna come back.

Matter of fact, I'll give you a better deal.

You let me in my own house, and I swear I'll take 10 years off your punishment.

[Scoffs] No deal.

- See? - She abandoned me again.

I told you. She don't like you. That's all right.

- [Creaking] - Baby girl, look. Look at the door.

Come on.

When I get my hands on 'em, y'�ll gonna see.

Uncle Bernie, can I play?

Oh, it's on. Oh, it's on.

It's on. It's on.

- [Doorbell Chimes] - Vanessa, Vanessa! Come quick.

- Uncle Bernie's hurt! - He's just making you say that.

Uh-uh. He fell down.

Here I am, suckers! Yeah! That's all right, baby.

That's all right. Oh! Oh, yeah!

Yeah, yeah! [Grunts]

- [Yelling] - Yeah, kids, how you like that?

How you like that? Yeah? [Laughing]

- Oh! Oh! Oh! - [Giggling]

Wait, wait, wait, wait. Wait!

What the hell is going on here? Bernie, you got my whole front yard soaked.

And my flowers are all trampled.

Don't you dare. I just got my hair done.

If you even as so much get one drop... Ooh.

- Now! - [Screaming]

?? [Rock]

Wait, wait!

Y'�ll was laughing too.

?? [Ends]

Man, that was a whole lot of fun.

Thanks to those crazy-ass kids, I guess. I mean, man, they put me through a lot.

But it's good to know you can still have that kind of fun right here in your home.

Now, America, don't misunderstand me, they still on punishment.

'Cause when Bernie Mac tell you to open the door, doggone it, you open the door.

- [Lock Clicks] - Hold on a minute.

Open up this door. Oh, Jordan. Vanessa.

Open up the door!

Open the door! America, y'�ll call somebody.

Open the door. Wanda!

Baby girl? Open this doggone door!

Jordan! Y'�ll call somebody for real.

Open the door! I'm about to pop!

It's on. Part two. It's on.

Open up the door!

You think you got enough lemons, man?

Yeah, I finish. Air-conditioning is fixed. [Clears Throat]

- That's great. - Yeah, you come to van. I give you bill.

Uh, we take MasterCard, Visa, no Discover.

I'll pay cash.

- You said you take Visa? - Mm.

Man... Give me my damn lemons.