Original subtitles

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY VIDMARK ENTERTAINMENT

[WOMAN] THE SYSTEM DICTATES THAT ONE MUST BE A SLAVE

BEFORE YOU CAN BECOME A SUCCESS,

BUT THIS CAN BE A VERY DEMANDING PROCESS.

ONLY A FEW PEOPLE HAVE THE DRIVE

TO ENDURE THE THOUSANDS OF INDIGNITIES AND HARDSHIPS

THAT MAKE UP THE SYSTEM.

NOW, THIS DRIVE IS USUALLY MOTIVATED BY GREED,

SOMETIMES AMBITION, SOMETIMES EVEN LOVE.

THERE ARE STORIES OF LOVE INSPIRING SUCCESS

OVER THE MOST INSURMOUNTABLE OF ODDS.

THIS IS NOT ONE OF THOSE STORIES.

BUDDY'S DOING GREAT.

IT'S GREAT TO SEE YOU, DEREK.

I'LL TELL HIM HE OWES YOU A CALL.

COOL.

THANKS, DEREK. WHERE WAS I?

SHELLEY WINTERS.

BUDDY INVITES HER TO DO A READING FOR A PART.

SHELLEY WINTERS HAS NOT AUDITIONED FOR A PART

IN 15 OR 20 YEARS,

BUT BUDDY COULD CONVINCE A FLEA IT NEEDS TICKS.

THAT'S WHY THE MAN IS MY GOD.

WHO'S SHELLEY WINTERS?

SHE'S THE ACTRESS.

SHELLEY ROLLS INTO THE OFFICE AND PLOPS DOWN.

BUDDY IS WORKING IT, SWEET-TALKING HER.

THE PROJECT, THE PROJECT. SHELLEY'S NOT BUYING IT.

SHE'S JUST SITTING THERE.

FINALLY, SHE REACHES INTO HER BAG AND PULLS OUT AN OSCAR.

NO WAY.

AN HONEST TO GOD ACADEMY AWARD.

BUDDY STILL DOESN'T SHUT UP.

HE'S GOING ON AND ON AND ON.

BUDDY'S SWEET-TALKING.

SHELLEY, NOT PHASED, AGAIN REACHES DOWN INTO HER BAG,

PULLS OUT ANOTHER OSCAR, TWO OSCARS,

AND ANOTHER.

BUDDY, SHELLEY--

THE WOMAN IS SURROUNDED BY OSCARS.

DEAD SILENCE.

FINALLY, SHE LOOKS HIM RIGHT IN THE EYE,

AND SHE SAYS,

"YOU KNOW, SOME PEOPLE THINK I CAN ACT."

THIS COMING FROM THE FUTURE PRESIDENT OF KEYSTONE PICTURES.

I CAN'T REALLY PICTURE HER.

WHO'S SHELLEY WINTERS?

OH, WAIT, WAIT. I GOT IT.

SHE DOES THE POLYDENTURE COMMERCIALS, RIGHT?

OH, RIGHT, AND SHE'S MARRIED TO THAT GUY

WHO'S LIKE 20 YEARS YOUNGER THAN HER.

RIGHT, RIGHT.

STOP IT. STOP IT. THAT'S MARTHA RAYE, YOU IDIOTS.

SHELLEY WINTERS.

WINCHESTER '73.

A PLACE IN THE SUN. A PATCH OF BLUE.

LOLITA.

THE POSEIDON ADVENTURE.

OH, YEAH, YEAH.

THAT'S SHELLEY WINTERS.

THAT WAS A VERY GOOD FILM.

SORRY I ASKED. I WAS CURIOUS.

I APOLOGIZE.

NEVER APOLOGIZE, MOE. IT'S A SIGN OF WEAKNESS.

GUY, GUY, IT'S FOSTER KANE.

INTRODUCE US. THE MAN IS MY GOD.

GUY, THEY LET YOU OUT OF THE SALT MINE.

TO KEEP AN EYE ON YOU, FOSTER.

SAY HELLO TO THE BOYS.

HEY, HOW ARE YOU DOING, MR. KANE?

IT'S GREAT TO MEET YOU.

YOU'RE THE BEST.

HOW'S BUDDY?

BUDDY'S GREAT. HE'S GREAT.

I CALLED THE OTHER DAY.

I HAVEN'T HEARD BACK, THOUGH.

I'LL TELL HIM HE OWES YOU A CALL.

BE SEEING YOU AGAIN.

VERY NICE TO MEET YOU.

I LOVE THAT GUY. AMAZING...

[BEEPING]

WHO WAS THAT AGAIN?

ONLY THE MOST POWERFUL, SOUGHT-AFTER DIRECTOR IN TOWN.

BUDDY'S PAGING YOU NOW?

EXCUSE ME, GENTLEMEN.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

ARE YOU TRYING TO EMBARRASS ME?

HE IS THE PRODIGAL SON OF KEYSTONE PICTURES.

HE IS BUDDY ACKERMAN'S BOY.

HE IS OUR TICKET IN,

SO DON'T BLOW IT WITH YOUR STUPID QUESTIONS.

MOE!

YOU'RE NOT COMING ANYMORE. YOU CAN'T COME ANYMORE.

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

O.K.

YEAH, WHAT?

DAWN? IT'S GUY.

OH, HEY.

HI.

LISTEN, UM...

[PAGER BEEPING]

ABOUT THE OTHER DAY...

SOUNDS LIKE YOU'RE BEING SUMMONED.

THAT'S BUDDY. HE'S BEEN TRYING TO REACH ME ALL NIGHT.

FORGET ABOUT BUDDY. CAN I COME OVER?

I THINK WE REALLY NEED TO TALK.

NOT RIGHT NOW.

I HAVE ALL THESE SCRIPTS TO READ.

I'M REALLY BUSY.

OH.

CAN WE DO THIS TOMORROW?

YEAH. ALL RIGHT.

TALK TO ME. WHAT IS IT?

NOTHING. I...

THERE'S JUST SOMETHING

THAT I WANT TO TELL YOU...

BUT IT CAN WAIT TILL TOMORROW.

CALL ME IN THE MORNING, O.K.?

I WILL.

DAWN?

WHAT?

I REALLY AM SORRY.

O.K.

[DIAL TONE]

[PAGER BEEPING]

[DIALING]

YEAH, WHAT?

IT'S GUY. YOU BEEPED?

WHAT TOOK YOU SO FUCKING LONG?

WELL, I HAD TO GET TO A PHONE--

WHATEVER. ANYWAY, IS IT DONE?

YES.

I RETURNED EVERY CALL, AND I LEFT WORD.

SOME ASSHOLE COMPLAINED TO CYRUS

THAT I'M NOT RETURNING MY CALLS.

I CAN'T AFFORD THAT,

NOT WHEN I'M ABOUT TO BE PROMOTED.

YES, YOU'RE RIGHT.

IT WON'T HAPPEN AGAIN.

CHRIST, YOU'RE NOT EVEN LISTENING, ARE YOU?

GUY, I DON'T THINK THIS IS WORKING ANYMORE.

MAYBE IT'S TIME WE RECONSIDER OUR RELATIONSHIP.

RECONSIDER? WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

WE'LL TALK ABOUT IT IN THE MORNING.

WAIT A MINUTE! RECONSIDER WHAT, BUDDY?

WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?

YOU GOING TO FIRE ME?

I GOT ANOTHER CALL. HELLO? HELLO?

WE COULDN'T RETURN CALLS. YOU'VE BEEN AWAY.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN RECONSIDER?

HOLD ON. SHUT UP.

[BUDDY] GUY, TOMORROW CALL THE PHONE COMPANY

BECAUSE ALL OF MY PHONES ARE FUCKING SCREWED UP.

CANCEL THE CALL WAITING CRAP AND PUT IN TWO--

NO, FOUR EXTRA LINES HERE AT THE HOUSE.

AFTER YOU FIX THE PHONES,

RESEARCH WHO DIRECTED THE NEW SLAM AND JAM MUSIC VIDEO.

IT'S GOT THIS BLONDE.

FIND OUT WHO HIS AGENT IS AND WHAT HE'S DOING NEXT

AND THEN TRACK DOWN THE BLONDE.

SHE'S WEARING THIS AMERICAN FLAG KIND OF THING.

IT'S DRAPED ALL OVER HER.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT... SET UP A MEETING.

SHE'S--SHE'S REALLY...

SHE'S PATRIOTIC.

THE VIDEO WAS DIRECTED BY A SHE--

TRACY JANOWITZ.

AND YOU'RE A LITTLE LATE.

SHE JUST SIGNED A THREE-PICTURE DEAL WITH UNIVERSAL.

WHAT THE HELL?

AND AS FAR AS THE BLONDE...

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

DON'T YOU THINK SHE'S A LITTLE YOUNG?

EVEN FOR YOU?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING? WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

JESUS CHRIST, YOU SCARED THE LIVING SHIT OUT OF ME.

YOU'RE LUCKY I DIDN'T SHOOT YOU.

WITH WHAT? THIS?

OH, GREAT. MY GUN. HAND IT OVER.

SIT.

HAVE YOU GONE COMPLETELY INSANE?

GIVE ME THE GUN NOW!

SIT THE FUCK DOWN NOW.

O.K., LOOK, I KNOW THINGS HAVE BEEN

A LITTLE CRAZY AT THE OFFICE LATELY,

BUT THERE'S NO NEED FOR THIS.

WHY DON'T YOU PUT DOWN THE GUN AND LET'S TALK?

WE'RE BOTH RATIONAL ADULTS HERE.

BULLSHIT. YOU ARE A FUCKING CHILD.

ALL RIGHT, I GAVE YOU A CHANCE.

IT'S LATE, AND I'M TIRED OF THIS BULLSHIT.

I'M CALLING THE COPS, AND YOU ARE GOING TO JAIL.

END OF STORY. HAVE A NICE LIFE.

WHAT DO YOU WANT?

I WANT YOU...

TO THINK AND REMEMBER

EVERY INSULT, EVERY OFFENSE,

EVERYTHING THAT YOU HAVE EVER TAKEN AWAY

FROM ME.

THINK TO YOURSELF.

IT'S PAYBACK TIME.

[RADIO] CURRENTLY 78 DEGREES IN HOLLYWOOD

AND SHAPING UP TO BE A GREAT WEEKEND, EVERYONE.

OF COURSE, YOU GOT TO MAKE IT THROUGH THE WEEK FIRST,

BUT IF YOU DO, YOU CAN LOOK FORWARD TO

THE THIRD ANNUAL CELEBRITY TRACTOR PULL

AT THE POMONA FAIRGROUNDS THIS WEEKEND.

[TURNS OFF ENGINE]

[HORN HONKING]

[RADIO PLAYING]

HI. HOW ARE YOU?

FUCK YOU. YOU'RE IN MY SPOT. COULD YOU MOVE?

O.K.

SORRY ABOUT THAT.

I DIDN'T REALIZE THAT WAS YOUR SPOT.

I SLAVED THREE MISERABLE YEARS TO GET THAT SPOT.

IT'S MINE. I EARNED IT.

WHEN I PULLED IN, I THOUGHT, "WOW, WHAT A GREAT SPOT."

I'M GUY, BY THE WAY.

WHAT IS THIS? YOUR FIRST DAY ON THE JOB?

YES, YES. AS A MATTER OF FACT, IT IS.

PIECE OF ADVICE-- LOSE THE SMILE.

IT MAKES YOU LOOK LIKE A SCHMUCK.

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

HELLO. BUDDY ACKERMAN'S OFFICE.

OH, HOLD ON ONE SECOND.

READY TO GO TO WORK, I SEE.

BUDDY ACKERMAN'S OFFICE.

NO, DEREK, HE'S NOT HERE RIGHT NOW.

NO, THAT'S NOT WHAT I SAID.

I SAID HE'S NOT HERE RIGHT NOW AT THIS MOMENT IN TIME.

MM-HMM. GOING TO MISS YOU, TOO, DEREK.

BUDDY ACKERMAN'S OFFICE.

YES, I KNOW THE MEETING HAS STARTED.

I'LL SEND HIM DOWN AS SOON AS HE GETS HERE.

BUDDY ACKERMAN'S.

OH, HEY, MONA. HOW ARE YOU, GORGEOUS?

OF COURSE YOU AND BUDDY ARE ON FOR TONIGHT.

JUST GET YOUR CUTE LITTLE BUTT

OVER TO HIS PLACE BY MIDNIGHT.

BYE.

SO, I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'VE HEARD ABOUT THIS JOB,

BUT IT'S GOING TO BE A LOT OF WORK FOR SHIT WAGES.

A LOT OF SHIT WORK FOR SHIT WAGES.

PICKING UP DRY CLEANING, GASSING UP HIS CAR,

GETTING HIM COFFEE, GETTING HIM LUNCH,

AND GETTING HIM LAID,

AND HE CAN BE, WELL, DIFFICULT...

DIFFICULT AT TIMES.

AFTER ALL, BUDDY IS THE SENIOR EXECUTIVE VICE PRESIDENT

OF PRODUCTION FOR KEYSTONE.

ONLY TWO PEOPLE BIGGER THAN THAT.

STELLA SMILEY, PRESIDENT OF WORLD-WIDE PRODUCTION

FOR NOW.

SHE DOESN'T LIKE US.

BUT THAT'S O.K....

EXCUSE ME.

I'M SORRY.

BECAUSE ABOVE HER IS CYRUS MILES,

STUDIO CHAIRMAN AND GRAND POOH BAH.

WE CALL HIM GOD,

AND HE DOES LIKE US.

THAT THING IS GOING TO BE

THE SECOND MOST IMPORTANT THING IN YOUR LIFE.

PITY THE DAY IT BREAKS DOWN ON YOU.

GUY, IF YOU DO THIS JOB WELL,

WEALTH AND OPPORTUNITY ARE YOURS.

ALL OF BUDDY'S ASSISTANTS

HAVE GONE ON TO BIGGER AND BETTER THINGS.

ONE IS RUNNING THE SONY CHANNEL.

ANOTHER ONE PRODUCED ALL THE MACAULAY CULKIN ACTION PICTURES.

WOW.

IT'S A GOOD LINEAGE, A LEGACY.

IF YOU DON'T MIND ME ASKING-- WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

VICE PRESIDENT OF PRODUCTION AT PARAMOUNT.

LIKE I SAID, IT IS A GOOD LINEAGE.

THIS IS GOING TO BE THE MOST IMPORTANT THING

IN YOUR LIFE. WORKS VERY SIMPLY.

STEADY GREEN LIGHT-- THE LINE IS ACTIVE.

IF IT'S OFF, IT'S DEAD.

FLASHING RED-- SOMEONE'S HOLDING.

FLASHING GREEN-- INCOMING.

FLASHING GREEN-- INCOMING, YES.

DON'T WORRY.

YOU'LL DO ALL RIGHT, FARM BOY.

ACTUALLY...

I'M FROM UPSTATE NEW YORK.

THERE ARE FARMS AROUND IN THE AREA.

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

BUDDY ACKERMAN'S OFFICE.

I'M FROM A MORE URBAN AREA.

GUY, SO GLAD TO SEE YOU HERE.

I CANNOT TELL YOU HOW GRATEFUL I AM

THAT YOU COULD START RIGHT AWAY.

IT WILL BE NICE TO GET SOME REAL HELP

AND GET RID OF THIS MONGOLOID

SO HE'LL STOP SCREWING ME UP

AND FUCK THE COMPETITION FOR A CHANGE.

WHAT?

STELLA'S ON LINE ONE, MOM'S ON TWO.

GET ME ROB ON THE PHONE.

HE'S ON THREE.

TELL STELLA TO HOLD. TAKE MY MOM.

WHEN YOU'RE DONE WITH HER,

WEST LOBBY, TUBE DRESS, STILETTO HEELS. FETCH.

COME ON, GUY, YOU'RE IN FOR A TREAT.

[ASSISTANT] STELLA, HE'LL BE RIGHT DOWN. HE JUST WALKED IN.

ROB, I RAN THE ROUGH CUT LAST NIGHT.

THE MIX IS STILL WAY TOO GODDAMN LOW.

I TOLD YOU YOU GOT TO BRING UP THE EXPLOSIONS.

THEY'VE GOT TO BE LOUD.

THE AUDIENCE SHOULD FEEL THEIR BALLS TREMBLE.

SO I DON'T CARE IF GOD TOLD YOU TO KEEP IT DOWN.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT CAN'T BE DONE?

QUE PASA, THIS CAN'T BE DONE?

ALL RIGHT, ROB. SHUT UP FOR A SECOND.

JUST LISTEN. LET'S TRY SOMETHING EASIER.

REPEAT THIS--WOULD YOU LIKE THAT IN A PUMP OR A LOAFER?

NO, ROB, JUST SAY IT WITH ME.

HUMOR ME. JUST SAY IT ONCE.

WOULD YOU LIKE THAT IN A PUMP OR A LOAFER?

GOOD. NOW MEMORIZE IT. BECAUSE AS OF TOMORROW,

THE ONLY JOB YOU'RE GOING TO BE ABLE TO GET

IS SELLING SHOES.

WELL, I, UM...

ROB'S CALLING AGAIN ON LINE ONE.

YO, ROB. LOOK, I'M BUSY NOW.

I CAN'T REALLY...

WELL, I'M GLAD YOU SEE IT MY WAY NOW.

HEY, LOOK, WE ALL HAVE OUR MISUNDERSTANDINGS.

GET IT DONE. WHERE'S STELLA? WHAT'S MY SCHEDULE?

SHE WANTS YOU IN THE STAFF MEETING.

DID THEY START YET?

NO. THEY'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU FOR 15 MINUTES.

GOOD. LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING, GUY.

IF THEY CAN'T START A MEETING WITHOUT YOU,

WELL, THAT'S A MEETING WORTH GOING TO, ISN'T IT?

THAT'S THE ONLY KIND OF MEETING

YOU SHOULD EVER CONCERN YOURSELVES WITH.

FILE THIS. WHAT'S NEXT?

HER NAME IS MITZI.

I LIKE THAT.

O.K. LET'S DO IT.

MITZI! HI!

BUDDY ACKERMAN. SENIOR VICE PRESIDENT OF PRODUCTION.

I SAW YOU IN THE LOBBY ON MY WAY IN.

I'M ON MY WAY TO A VERY IMPORTANT MEETING.

I CAN JUST TELL

THAT THERE ARE ENORMOUS OPPORTUNITIES FOR THE BOTH OF US,

AND I WILL PULL MYSELF OUT OF THIS MEETING

IF YOU CAN BEAR JUST WAITING 10 MINUTES...

BECAUSE I WOULD LOVE IT IF YOU AND I COULD JUST SIT AND CHAT.

WOULD THAT BE POSSIBLE? OH, THAT'S GREAT.

NOW, IF YOU NEED ANYTHING,

YOU JUST ASK THESE TWO BOYS HERE.

KEEP HER HAPPY. JUST GO SIT DOWN.

I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

WHERE'S MY FUCKING COFFEE?

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

BUDDY ACKERMAN'S OFFICE.

CREAM, SUGAR.

SWEET 'N LOW.

COME ON, PEOPLE. I'M LATE FOR A MEETING HERE.

LET'S GO, GO, GO!

[SNIFFS]

EXCUSE ME. WHAT IS THIS?

SWEET 'N LOW?

NO. THIS IS NOT SWEET 'N LOW.

THIS IS EQUAL. BLUE PACKET.

SWEET 'N LOW IS PINK, SEE.

EQUAL--BLUE. SWEET 'N LOW--PINK.

IT'S NOT THE SAME THING, IS IT?

WELL, I THINK THEY BOTH CONTAIN--

WHAT EQUAL CONTAINS IS NOT MY CONCERN HERE.

I DON'T CARE IF IT HAS FUCKING FAIRY DUST IN IT.

WHAT I AM CONCERNED WITH IS DETAIL.

I ASKED FOR SWEET 'N LOW.

YOU BRING ME BACK EQUAL.

THAT ISN'T WHAT I ASKED FOR,

AND THAT SHIT ISN'T GOING TO WORK AROUND HERE.

I JUST THOUGHT--

YOU THOUGHT.

DO ME A FUCKING FAVOR--

SHUT UP. LISTEN AND LEARN.

LOOK, I KNOW THAT THIS IS YOUR FIRST DAY,

AND YOU DON'T REALLY KNOW HOW THINGS WORK AROUND HERE,

SO I WILL TELL YOU.

YOU HAVE NO BRAIN.

NO JUDGMENT CALLS ARE NECESSARY.

WHAT YOU THINK MEANS NOTHING.

WHAT YOU FEEL MEANS NOTHING.

YOU ARE HERE FOR ME.

YOU ARE HERE TO PROTECT MY INTERESTS

AND TO SERVE MY NEEDS.

WHILE IT MAY LOOK LIKE A LITTLE THING TO YOU,

WHEN I ASK FOR A PACKET OF SWEET 'N LOW...

THAT'S WHAT I WANT,

AND IT IS YOUR RESPONSIBILITY NOW

TO SEE THAT I GET WHAT I WANT.

AM I CLEAR?

YES, SIR.

I'M NOT TRYING TO BE CRUEL.

I'M JUST TRYING TO HELP,

BECAUSE IF YOU DO THIS JOB RIGHT,

IF YOU LISTEN AND LEARN,

YOU CAN DO ANYTHING YOU WANT IN THIS TOWN.

LOOK AT REX HERE-- A V.P. AT PARAMOUNT.

REX. WHAT A NAME. BELONGS TO A MUTT.

IF I CAN GET DOG BOY HERE A JOB,

YOU'RE GOING TO DO JUST FINE.

I FUCKED UP.

IT'S OVER.

RELAX. HE DOES THAT A LOT.

TOMORROW HE'LL ASK YOU FOR AN EQUAL.

IT'S A LOSE-LOSE SITUATION.

WELL, DOES IT STILL HAPPEN TO YOU?

DAILY. ACTUALLY, HOURLY.

LOOK, EVERY DAY IS SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT.

NOTHING IS EVER THE SAME.

WHAT HE WANTS, WHAT HE NEEDS

CAN CHANGE IN A SECOND.

THE TRICK IS TO HAVE EVERYTHING READY.

ANTICIPATE.

NEXT TIME BRING BACK AN EQUAL AND A SWEET 'N LOW.

PROTECT HIS INTERESTS

AND SERVE HIS NEEDS.

COME ON, SAY IT WITH ME.

PROTECT HIS INTERESTS AND SERVE HIS NEEDS.

O.K., BUT THAT'S CRAZY.

THAT'S NO WAY TO RUN A BUSINESS.

UH-UH. FIRST MISTAKE.

THIS IS NOT A BUSINESS.

NO RULES HERE.

SAVE THAT CANDY-STRIPED CRAP

FOR THE WALL STREET WIMPS.

THIS IS SHOW BUSINESS.

PUNCHING BELOW THE BELT IS NOT ONLY ALL RIGHT...

IT IS REWARDED.

SO IN THIS, THIS BUSINESS OF SHOW,

YOU GOT TO ASK YOURSELF,

WHAT IS IT THAT IS GOING TO MAKE THEM

SIT UP AND TAKE NOTICE OF YOU?

WORK REALLY, REALLY HARD.

DON'T WORRY, FARM BOY. YOU'LL LEARN.

HAVE A CIGARETTE.

I DON'T SMOKE.

THIS AND THAT POT OF COFFEE

ARE GOING TO BE YOUR BEST FRIENDS FOR THE NEXT YEAR.

GET TO KNOW THEM.

COME ON, ROLL UP YOUR SLEEVES.

WE GOT WORK TO DO.

O.K.

WHAT DO YOU WANT?

YOU ARE IN BIG TROUBLE.

START MAKING FUNERAL ARRANGEMENTS

BECAUSE YOU ARE DEAD IN THIS TOWN.

APOLOGIZE.

EXCUSE ME? WHAT?

OW! OW! OW! MY HAIR!

I WANT YOU TO APOLOGIZE.

FOR WHAT?

APOLOGIZE.

FUCK YOU.

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

BUDDY ACKERMAN'S OFFICE.

UH, I DON'T HAVE THAT INFORMATION.

LET ME ASK HIM, AND I'LL HAVE HIM--

I'LL CALL YOU BACK.

BUDDY ACKERMAN'S OFFICE.

HANK, LISTEN, IS THERE ANY WAY

THAT YOU CAN HAVE THAT DELIVERED BY THE END OF THE DAY?

GREAT, GREAT, GREAT. I APPRECIATE IT.

THANK YOU. BYE.

BUDDY ACKERMAN'S OFFICE.

[BUDDY] PICK UP THE PHONE, PICK UP THE PHONE.

IT IS IN YOUR JOB DESCRIPTION.

THE PHONES ARE GOING CRAZY.

IF I GET THAT ANSWERING MACHINE AGAIN,

I DRAW BLOOD.

TODAY'S SCHEDULE. DO IT.

YOU HAVE A PITCH AT 10:30.

HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I TOLD YOU?

NO PITCHES BEFORE 11:00.

WE'VE GOT TOO MUCH TO DO. I'VE GOT CALLS TO RETURN.

CANCEL WHOEVER IT IS.

IT'S WITH DAWN LOCKARD.

OH, WELL, O.K.

UM, TELL HER I'LL BE A LITTLE LATE.

AND GET ME STELLA.

PATCH HER THROUGH TO ME RIGHT AWAY.

ALL RIGHT.

BUDDY ACKERMAN CALLING.

I'M HERE TO SEE BUDDY. I'M DAWN LOCKARD.

I'M A PRODUCER ON THE LOT.

HI.

HI.

BUDDY'S RUNNING A LITTLE LATE SO, UH,

JUST HAVE A SEAT.

UH, YES, FINE, I'LL TELL HIM.

BUDDY ACKERMAN'S OFFICE.

YEAH, WHAT HAPPENED?

STELLA'S OFFICE JUST CALLED.

SHE'S GOING TO BE UNREACHABLE TILL MONDAY.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN UNREACHABLE?

SHE'S WHITE-WATER RAFTING IN COLORADO WITH TOM CRUISE.

YEAH? SO? TRACK HER DOWN.

FIND OUT WHERE SHE'S STAYING.

SHE'S RAFTING. WELL, SHE'S UNREACHABLE.

UH-HUH. I DON'T SEE THE PROBLEM.

SHE'S RAFTING ON THE WATER.

I DON'T IMAGINE THEY HAVE PHONES THERE.

THEY HAVE HELICOPTERS, DON'T THEY?

YES, I SUPPOSE THEY DO.

YOU SUPPOSE?

LISTEN, YOU LITTLE TWERP,

I CAN'T SPEND MY DAY TELLING YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB.

WHAT? IS HE IN ONE OF HIS MOODS?

YEAH.

IT'S NOT BRAIN SURGERY, YOU KNOW.

YOU COME BACK WITH "SHE'S UNREACHABLE"?

I DON'T EVER WANT TO HEAR THAT WORD AGAIN.

SHUT UP. LISTEN. LEARN.

THERE IS NO SUCH WORD AS UNREACHABLE

FOR THIS OFFICE.

FIND HER. GET HER. I WANT TO TALK TO HER BY LUNCH.

OUT! OUT! WHO DO YOU WORK FOR?

IF SHE'S NOT ON THE PHONE BY...

LISTEN, ABOUT THAT PARKING SPOT THING.

HAD I KNOWN THAT YOU WORKED FOR BUDDY,

I CERTAINLY WOULD HAVE...

DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

YOU GET ENOUGH SHIT FROM HIM,

YOU DON'T NEED IT FROM ME.

I CAN HANDLE BUDDY.

UNREACHABLE MAY WORK FOR OTHER HACKS,

BUT NOT HERE!

DAWN, EXCUSE ME,

I JUST NEED TO YELL AT

MY MONGOLOID BRAIN-DEAD ASSISTANT FOR A SECOND.

GET IN HERE!

IF YOU EVER USE THE FUCKING WORD UNREACHABLE

IN MY OFFICE,

I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL SEND YOU THROUGH THE LOBBY!

DON'T EVER DO IT AGAIN! YOU UNDERSTAND?

IF MY CAR PHONE ISN'T PUT IN MY CAR BY 4:00,

YOU'RE A DEAD PERSON.

DAWN, GORGEOUS.

IT'S BEEN TOO LONG.

GET YOUR CUTE LITTLE BUTT IN HERE.

GUY, HOLD ALL MY CALLS.

O.K., O.K.

DAWN, I DON'T THINK THIS PONY IS GOING TO WIN, PLACE, OR SHOW.

EVEN THE TITLE, REAL LIFE. IT'S A REAL PASS.

YOU NEED THIS FILM, BUDDY.

IT'S AN IMPORTANT FILM FOR THE 18 TO 25ers.

YOU CANNOT KEEP DISSING WHAT THEY WANT TO SEE.

OH, REALLY? HOW ABOUT THAT, GUY?

YOU'RE AT THAT AGE. YOU FEEL DISSED?

WELL, UH, YEAH.

DISILLUSIONED, DISMAYED...

DISPOSABLE.

THANKS, AND THIS IS TOO DARK, DEPRESSING, AND DULL.

IT'S NOT WHAT PEOPLE WANT TO SEE.

I SUPPOSE THAT PUMPED UP,

OVER-ADRENALIZED MALE MACHO BULLSHIT IS?

MY MALE MACHO BULLSHIT JUST BROKE 180 MIL.

THE LAST IMPORTANT FILM THIS STUDIO MADE

PEAKED AT 18.

THE ONE BEFORE THAT DIDN'T EVEN BREAK DOUBLE DIGITS.

DAWN, FORGET ABOUT THIS LOST ARTSY GENERATION CRAP.

YOU'VE BEEN AWAY FROM ME TOO LONG.

COME BACK TO MY TEAM,

AND WE CAN MAKE SOME REAL MOVIES.

OR I COULD JUST GO TO STELLA WITH IT.

SHE IS PRESIDENT OF PRODUCTION, RIGHT?

HM-MMM, FOR NOW. WHO CALLED?

OH, UH...

AHEM.

UH, MITCH AND CYRUS.

CYRUS? AND YOU DIDN'T PUT HIM THROUGH?

YOU SAID HOLD ALL YOUR CALLS.

FINE. WHO ELSE?

DEREK, MITZI, AND STELLA RETURNED.

STELLA? STELLA!

YOU SAID TO HOLD ALL YOUR CALLS. I DIDN'T KNOW.

YOU DIDN'T KNOW?

YOU DIDN'T HEAR ME WHEN I SAID VERY IMPORTANT?

WHAT GOOD ARE YOU? DO YOU HAVE A BRAIN?

DO YOU WANT THIS JOB?

SHUT UP, LISTEN, LEARN! FUCK YOUR DISAPPOINTMENT!

FUCK YOUR DISILLUSIONMENT AND FUCK YOU!

YOU ARE A WORTHLESS FUCKING PRICK!

WELL, ISN'T THIS TURNING INTO

AN INTELLIGENT CONVERSATION.

LOUD AND NASTY. THAT'S THE ONLY WAY IT STICKS, DAWN.

YOU DID SAY, "HOLD ALL MY CALLS," BUDDY.

AND I CERTAINLY HOPE YOU WOULDN'T WANT

ANYONE TO INTRUDE ON OUR TIME TOGETHER.

HM-MMM.

FIND CYRUS. FIND STELLA. GET THEM ON THE PHONE.

IF THEY AREN'T ON THE LINE BY THE TIME I GET BACK,

YOU'D BETTER NOT BE HERE, EITHER.

I'LL GET BACK TO YOU ABOUT THIS. LET ME THINK ABOUT IT,

AND, UM, LET'S GET TOGETHER SOON.

BUDDY ACKERMAN'S OFFICE CALLING.

AS I WAS SAYING ABOUT THAT LITTLE MISUNDERSTANDING,

WHY DON'T YOU LET ME MAKE IT UP TO YOU?

HOW ABOUT LUNCH?

THANK YOU, BUT I REALLY--I CAN'T.

LOOK, I'M GOING TO BE REAL BLUNT HERE.

AS MUCH AS I HATE IT, I NEED BUDDY.

I NEED MY CALLS TO FIND THEIR WAY TO HIS PHONE SHEET.

I NEED MY SCRIPTS TO GO HOME WITH HIM.

IN SHORT, I NEED YOU ON MY SIDE.

SEE WHAT I'M SAYING?

I DON'T WANT TO BE PUT ON HOLD

OVER A PARKING SPOT.

SO WHY DON'T WE JUST TRY THIS AGAIN?

HEY, HOW ABOUT LUNCH?

WELL...

I'M NOT ALLOWED TO TAKE LUNCH.

UM...BUDDY DOESN'T BELIEVE IN IT.

FINE. DRINKS IT IS. HERE'S MY CARD.

CALL ME WHEN YOU'RE DONE TONIGHT, ALL RIGHT?

TONIGHT?

THAT'S ALL RIGHT WITH YOU, ISN'T IT?

OH, YEAH. IT JUST SEEMS...

THAT A WOMAN AS POWERFUL

AND AS ATTRACTIVE

AND AS PLEASANT-NATURED AS YOURSELF

WOULD BE BOOKED UP FOR TONIGHT.

WELL, GUESS WHAT. I AM NOW.

YOU KNOW WHAT? A PIECE OF ADVICE.

YOU SHOULD TALK TO HIM ABOUT THE YELLING.

IT KIND OF MAKES YOU LOOK LIKE A SCHMUCK.

YEAH, SOME TIP.

YOU OUGHT TO BE SHOT FOR SCARING ME THAT EARLY.

THE CHANGE STELLA WANTS? IT'S NOT ME.

I'M SURE SHE WOULD LIKE IT TO BE.

YEAH? WELL, YOUR SOURCES SUCK.

ANYWAY, TURNS OUT THAT CYRUS' GRANDSON WAS WHINING

ABOUT HOW ALL OF TODAY'S FILMS

ARE MADE FOR ADULTS.

THERE'S NOTHING FOR HIM AND HIS FRIENDS.

THE OLD MAN BITCHED AND MOANED TO STELLA,

AND NOW WE GOT TO GO OUT AND FIND

THE NEXT HIPPEST, HOTTEST THING--

SOMETHING FOR THE KIDS.

ISN'T THAT GREAT?

YOU GOT ANYTHING?

GREAT. SEND IT TO ME.

ALL RIGHT.

BYE-BYE.

YEAH, WHAT?

WELL, I WANTED TO TALK TO YOU

ABOUT THE PHONE CALLS.

NO APOLOGY NECESSARY.

EVERYONE'S ALLOWED AT LEAST ONE MISTAKE.

WELL, THAT'S JUST IT. SEE, I...

I DON'T FEEL THAT I MADE A MISTAKE,

AND, WELL...

I WOULD APPRECIATE IT IF YOU DIDN'T YELL AT ME

IN FRONT OF THE ENTIRE OFFICE.

EXCUSE ME. WHAT?

UH...THE YELLING.

[STAMMERING]

OH.

YOU DISAPPROVE.

I'M SORRY.

DID I...

DID I HURT YOUR FEELINGS?

NO. NO, NO.

I JUST DON'T FEEL THAT IT'S NECESSARY.

IT CERTAINLY DOESN'T HELP ME, AND I THINK--

WELL, I'M GLAD YOU BROUGHT THIS UP.

GREAT. GREAT.

BECAUSE I'VE FOUND THAT AN OFFICE CAN'T RUN...

PROPERLY...

IF THE LINES OF COMMUNICATION AREN'T OPEN.

RIGHT. RIGHT. YES.

SO, IN THAT CASE...

LET'S MAKE A FEW THINGS CLEAR.

O.K. GREAT. GREAT.

THIS--THIS IS HELPFUL.

I MEAN...

LET'S REVIEW.

WHAT DID I TELL YOU THE FIRST DAY?

YOUR THOUGHTS ARE NOTHING.

YOU ARE NOTHING.

AND YET YOU HAVE THE NERVE TO WALK INTO MY OFFICE

AND TELL ME--

I-I-I--

PLEASE, SHUT UP. AT LEAST ALLOW ME

THE COURTESY OF FINISHING.

I'VE ENDURED YOUR INSULTS.

THIS IS A BAD TIME.

WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE,

YOU SNOT-FACED LITTLE PUNK?

LET ME MAKE THIS CLEAR FOR YOU, O.K.?

TRY TO FOLLOW ME.

I'M GOING TO BE MOVING IN A CIRCULAR MOTION.

IF YOU PAY ATTENTION,

THERE WILL BE A POINT!

YOU ARE NOTHING!

IF YOU WERE IN MY TOILET BOWL,

I WOULDN'T BOTHER FLUSHING IT.

MY BATH MAT MEANS MORE.

YOU SEE THIS?

THIS MEANS MORE TO THE OFFICE THAN YOU,

YET DO YOU HEAR ANY COMPLAINTS

WHEN I DO THIS?

THESE PENCILS AND PENS, MORE IMPORTANT!

THESE PAPER CLIPS, MORE IMPORTANT!

YOU MISERABLE LITTLE CRYBABY!

YOU DON'T LIKE IT HERE? LEAVE!

THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE WOULD KILL FOR YOUR SPOT

AND THE OPPORTUNITY TO BE HERE.

I COULD SPIT AND HIT SOMEBODY

WHO COULD DO THIS JOB BETTER THAN YOU.

THIS IS THE FAST TRACK TO THE TOP.

WHY CAN'T YOU SHOW A LITTLE BACKBONE, HUH? HUH?

"I DON'T THINK THE YELLING IS NECESSARY."

BE A LITTLE MORE THICKSKINNED, YOU TURD.

YOU GOT TO BE A MAN TO DO THIS JOB!

[CHUCKLING]

TALK TO HIM ABOUT THE YELLING?

THANKS. THAT WAS A GOOD TIP.

YOU GOT TO GIVE ACTION TO GET ACTION.

SO, GUY, WHAT'S YOUR STORY?

IS YOUR UNCLE BOB IN THE BUSINESS,

OR ARE YOU JUST ANOTHER BOY OUT FOR QUICK CASH,

QUICK CARS, AND AN EASY LAY?

YOU HATE ME. IS THAT IT?

YOU REALLY HATE ME.

NO, I'M JUST FEELING EXTRA CHARITABLE.

[CHEWING ON ICE]

SO TALK. AMUSE ME. WHAT'S YOUR STORY?

I'M A RECENT FILM SCHOOL GRADUATE

WITH FAIRLY DISAPPOINTED MIDDLE-CLASS PARENTS

WHO HAD HOPED THEIR SON WOULD HAVE BEEN

ANYTHING BUT A WRITER.

OH, YOU'RE A WRITER? REALLY?

YEAH.

WHY ARE YOU FETCHING COFFEE FOR BUDDY ACKERMAN?

FETCHING?

I'M NOT FETCHING.

HE'S ONE OF THE TOP STUDIO EXECUTIVES IN THE BUSINESS.

I'M HIS ASSISTANT.

BASICALLY, YOU'RE SUBSTITUTING TALENT

WITH LIBERAL AMOUNTS OF ASS-KISSING, RIGHT?

O.K.

I'VE TAKEN JUST ABOUT ENOUGH CHARACTER ASSASSINATION

FOR ONE DAY. THANKS FOR THE DRINK.

PLEASE SIT DOWN.

SIT.

IF THIS TIME CAN BE SPENT

CONVINCING YOU TO DOING ANYTHING ELSE WITH YOUR LIFE,

TO GETTING OUT WHILE YOU ARE STILL WHOLE,

IT IS TIME WELL SPENT.

LET ME ASK YOU A QUESTION.

WHY DO YOU WANT THIS?

I DON'T KNOW. IT'S JUST SOMETHING

THAT I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO DO.

OH, BULLSHIT. IS IT THE MONEY?

THERE ARE EASIER WAYS TO GET RICH.

GIRLS? I'LL FLOAT YOU A BILL

AND GIVE YOU A NUMBER TO CALL RIGHT NOW.

WHY THE MOVIES?

DO YOU REALLY WANT TO KNOW?

I REALLY WANT TO KNOW.

WILL YOU FORM SOME CONCLUSION?

I REALLY WANT TO KNOW.

YOU REALLY WANT TO KNOW?

WELL, FINE. MEMORIES.

MEMORIES?

YES.

ALL MY FAVORITE MEMORIES HAVE BEEN OF MOVIES.

FOR INSTANCE, MY FIRST JOB.

SUMMER OF '88. INDIANA JONES AND THE LAST CRUSADE.

MY FIRST CAR.

THE SUMMER THAT RANCHO DEL RIO OPENED.

FINE BUDDY ACKERMAN FILM.

WHAT ABOUT YOUR FIRST KISS?

UH...SUMMER OF 1979.

THE FISH THAT SAVED PITTSBURGH.

WHAT WAS HER NAME?

I DON'T REMEMBER,

BUT GABE KAPLAN'S HAIR IN THAT MOVIE WAS AMAZING.

THE ONLY WHITE MAN I'VE EVER SEEN WITH AN AFRO.

WOW! A SMILE.

MAYBE YOU DON'T HATE ME.

WOW! GET OVER YOURSELF.

LET ME GIVE YOU A PIECE OF ADVICE HERE.

IF YOU WANT TO MAKE IT IN THIS BUSINESS,

YOU DON'T HAVE ROOM FOR A PERSONAL LIFE,

MUCH LESS A RELATIONSHIP.

ABSOLUTELY NO RELATIONSHIPS. NO.

ABSOLUTELY NO RELATIONSHIPS.

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

THIS IS GUY. LEAVE ME A MESSAGE.

[BEEP]

[BUDDY] MICHELLE, STOP IT. I'M ON THE PHONE.

I'LL BE RIGHT THERE.

GUY? HEY, I JUST WANTED TO CALL AND SAY

I THINK TODAY'S TALK WAS VERY HELPFUL--

AT LEAST FOR ME, WHICH IS GREAT,

ESPECIALLY AT THIS CRITICAL JUNCTURE

IN OUR RELATIONSHIP. GOOD THINKING.

TOMORROW MORNING ON YOUR WAY IN,

I NEED YOU TO PICK UP A PRESCRIPTION FOR ME.

IT'S SOME PRETTY SENSITIVE STUFF,

SO KEEP IT QUIET.

TRY NOT TO SCREW UP. IT'S A TOP PRIORITY.

DON'T FAIL ME.

[GUY] OH!

[BEEP]

SORRY, DAWN. I HAD TO TAKE THAT.

SO, DINNER TONIGHT.

O.K.

YOUR PLACE.

YOU'RE HAPPY. I HATE THAT.

GET ME PACKED UP NOW.

I NEED TO GET TO SERVICES.

GOT TO GO.

WHAT SERVICES? WHO DIED?

NO ONE YET.

IT'S YOM KIPPUR, YOU IDIOT.

OH.

I DIDN'T REALIZE ACKERMAN WAS A JEWISH NAME.

IT'S JEWISH ENOUGH,

ESPECIALLY WHEN THE BIG PLAYERS ARE INVOLVED.

BESIDES, I FEEL THE SUDDEN NEED

TO ATONE FOR MY SINS.

MARIE CALL?

MARIE. MARIE.

UH, YES, SHE DID.

SHE'LL BE AT YOUR PLACE AT MIDNIGHT.

GREAT. GREAT.

BUDDY?

YEAH?

I WANTED TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT DAWN'S PROJECT.

OH, YEAH. SHE'S GOT A GREAT ONE, DOESN'T SHE?

YEAH.

NO, ACTUALLY, I WANTED TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT

DAWN'S PROJECT, REAL LIFE.

NOW...

I THINK IT HAS A LOT OF POTENTIAL.

I REALLY DO.

IT'S YOUNG, IT'S HOT,

AND IT COULD BE EXACTLY WHAT CYRUS IS LOOKING FOR.

WE COULD GET SOMEBODY REALLY BIG TO DIRECT--

MAYBE PENNY MARSHALL.

WHAT? SHUT UP, LISTEN, AND LEARN.

AVOID WOMEN DIRECTORS.

THEY OVULATE.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT DOES TO A THREE-MONTH SHOOT?

DO I NEED TO SAY MORE? NEXT.

O.K. WELL...

WHAT ABOUT ALTMAN? ALTMAN CAN DO IT.

ALTMAN! THAT HACK!

COULDN'T DIRECT HIS WAY OUT OF A PAPER BAG.

YOU WANT TO TALK BIG DIRECTORS?

THINK ATTENBOROUGH, SPIELBERG, LEAN.

LEAN'S DEAD.

NO, HE'S NOT. DON'T YOU EVER SAY THAT.

HE'S JUST UNAVAILABLE.

DID YOU GET THE STUFF?

OH, YES. THE STUFF.

UH, I PUT IT IN THE CABINET UNDER THE SINK.

IT'S IN A BROWN PAPER BAG.

NO. IT DOESN'T BELONG THERE.

NO, NO, NO.

[PAPERS SHUFFLING]

GREAT. GREAT. FILE THIS.

ROGAINE?

YOU'RE NOT LOSING YOUR HAIR.

EXACTLY. ANTICIPATE.

LISTEN, ABOUT DAWN'S PROJECT...

IT'S NOT A MOVIE. IT'S A CAUSE.

EVEN THE TITLE-- REAL LIFE?

ALL THOSE SPEECHES AND PRONOUNCEMENTS.

THAT IS NOT WHAT PEOPLE WANT TO SEE.

WE ARE IN THE BUSINESS OF DEVELOPING PEOPLE'S DREAMS,

NOT DAMNING THEM.

CYRUS HAS ALREADY FOUND THE NEXT NEW THING--

THIS YOUNG HOT DIRECTOR FUCKING FOSTER KANE.

PICTURE DID VERY WELL AT THE BOX OFFICE LAST WEEKEND,

AND STELLA'S ALREADY WOOED HIM.

SHE'S GOT HIM, NOT US.

WE'RE FUCKED.

WELL, YOU STILL GOT THAT ARTICLE IN TIME.

WHAT ARTICLE?

IT'S THAT ARTICLE ON VIOLENCE IN CINEMA.

CALLS YOU THE KING OF WHAM BAM ACTION.

YEAH, RIGHT HERE.

WHY DOES NOBODY TELL ME THESE THINGS?

I PUT IT ON YOUR DESK THIS MORNING.

WHO GAVE THEM THIS PICTURE?

OH, JESUS CHRIST.

WHERE DO THEY GET THESE LIES?

LISTEN TO THIS CRAP.

I'M A BLIGHT ON SOCIETY?

THIS HAS GOT STELLA WRITTEN ALL OVER IT.

THESE ARE HER FINGERPRINTS.

THAT BITCH WANTS A WAR? SHE'LL GET ONE.

FIRE THE FUCKING PUBLICITY DEPARTMENT.

YOU GOT PLANS TONIGHT?

YEAH--

CANCEL THEM.

I'M SORRY, BUDDY. I CAN'T.

NOT FOR NOTHING, GUY.

YOU WANT TO MAKE DAWN'S PROJECT FLY?

GO AHEAD. PUT IT TOGETHER.

LET'S SEE WHAT YOU CAN DO.

REALLY?

YEAH, BUT FIRST WE NEED TO BURY THIS ARTICLE.

THIS KID READS I'M A BLIGHT ON SOCIETY,

FORGET YOU, ME, THE EXPENSE ACCOUNT.

WE'RE OUT, OUT, OUT!

YOU NEED TO FIND EVERY COPY IN TOWN

AND DESTROY IT.

EVERY COPY?

YEAH, EVERY COPY.

FIND IT. BURY IT.

BUT IT'S TIME MAGAZINE.

IT WOULD BE HARD TO GET EVERY COPY.

YEAH. SO?

FIND A WAY. DO IT. FIGURE IT OUT.

MY BRIEFCASE, YOU IDIOT!

I'M SORRY.

IT'S ALL IN THERE.

JESUS CHRIST.

DAWN, I'M SORRY.

OF COURSE, I WANT TO BE THERE,

BUT I CAN'T. I HAVE TO WORK.

PLEASE. TRY TO UNDERSTAND.

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

I HAVE TO GO. I HAVE ANOTHER CALL.

BUDDY ACKERMAN'S OFFICE.

[BUDDY] OH, GOOD. YOU'RE STILL THERE.

YOU GOT TO STICK AROUND AND TAPE

THIS INTERVIEW WITH FOSTER KANE TONIGHT.

IT'S ON CNN, 11:00.

IT'S VERY, VERY IMPORTANT.

WE MUST FIND A PROJECT FOR THIS KID.

YOU GOT IT?

HELLO?

I GOT IT.

GREAT. DID YOU GET RID OF ALL THE ARTICLES?

I'M THROWING OUT THE LAST COPIES NOW.

YOU CAN'T JUST THROW THEM OUT.

YOU HAVE TO DESTROY THEM.

RIP THEM UP-- EVERY COPY.

WELL...

IT'S JUST THAT IT'S GETTING KIND OF LATE.

OH, I KNOW. I KNOW.

THINGS ARE ROUGH NOW,

BUT THEY'LL GET BETTER,

I PROMISE, GUY.

IF YOU PROVE YOU CAN MANAGE THESE TASKS,

IF YOU WORK HARD NOW,

THEN YOU'RE REWARDED.

YOU GET TO HAVE SOME FUN.

DON'T EVER FORGET...

THIS JOB IS VERY BIG ON...

PAYBACK.

[CRYING]

WHAT DO YOU WANT?

YOU SICK, TWISTED FUCK!

WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?

THIS IS SO COOL.

I SAW THIS IN A MOVIE ONCE.

MATTER OF FACT, IT WAS ONE OF YOURS, I THINK.

AAH!

AAH!

WHOO!

THIS ISN'T GOING TO FIX THINGS.

THIS ISN'T GOING TO HELP ANY OF YOUR PROBLEMS.

YOU'RE RIGHT...

BUT IT MAKES ME FEEL SO MUCH BETTER.

[MOANING]

[THUNDER]

THIS IS GOOD.

THIS OUGHT TO LOOSEN UP THE CHICKS, RIGHT?

LET ME ASK YOUR OPINION.

WHAT'S THE BEST GETTING-LAID MUSIC?

I'M FINDING THAT THE CARPENTERS

AND THAT KIND OF STUFF

JUST PUTS THEM RIGHT TO SLEEP.

LET'S JUST SUPPOSE--

LET'S SUPPOSE SOMEBODY WERE TO COME OVER HERE TONIGHT.

JUST SUPPOSE.

AM I BORING YOU?

I'M SORRY.

WHAT WAS IT YOU SAID ABOUT ME ONCE?

THE PERSONALITY OF A ROOF SHINGLE.

HA HA HA!

NOW, THAT WAS GOOD.

THAT WAS FUNNY.

EVERYBODY LAUGHED.

I DON'T WANT TO BORE YOU,

SO LET'S GET BACK TO WORK.

COME ON.

THERE'S GOT TO BE ONE IN HERE SOMEWHERE.

EVERY KITCHEN DRAWER HAS ONE.

[BANGING]

IT'S FUNNY.

I ONLY DREAMT ABOUT DOING THESE THINGS.

ALL THOSE LONELY NIGHTS IN THE OFFICE,

THOSE WEEKENDS,

PLAYING OUT ALL THESE TORTURE SCENARIOS

IN MY HEAD,

THINKING ABOUT IT AGAIN AND AGAIN.

YOU CAN'T IMAGINE WHAT I'VE COME UP WITH.

WHATEVER YOU'RE THINKING OF DOING,

PLEASE DON'T.

SHH.

PAPER CUTS.

NOW, THEY CAN BE A BITCH.

OCCUPATIONAL HAZARD, I GUESS.

BUT I'LL BET IT'S BEEN A WHILE

SINCE YOU HAD ONE, HUH?

ME?

I'M STARTING TO GET USED TO THEM.

OH, GOD!

STINGS, DOESN'T IT?

WELL, LIKE I SAID, YOU'LL GET USED TO THEM.

NOW, THE ONES THAT I COULD NEVER HANDLE...

SAY AHH.

COME ON. DON'T!

YOU'RE ONLY GOING TO MAKE IT HARDER ON YOURSELF.

FORGET ABOUT THE SHITTY MINT FLAVOR ON THESE THINGS.

THE REAL PAIN IN THE ASS

IS WHEN YOU GET A PAPER CUT ON YOUR TONGUE.

[MOANING]

AAH!

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

BUDDY ACKERMAN'S OFFICE.

HELLO, MISHKA.

NO, HE'S NOT IN.

MISHKA, BUDDY IS DEVOTED TO ONLY YOU.

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT YOU DO.

GET YOUR CUTE LITTLE BUTT OVER TO HIS HOUSE BY MIDNIGHT.

O.K. BYE-BYE.

[WHISTLING]

THIS COULD BE THE BIGGEST PICTURE OF THE YEAR.

REAL LIFE DIRECTED BY FOSTER KANE.

I LIKE IT. IT SMELLS OF MONEY.

IT WAS A GREAT IDEA

BRINGING DAWN AND FOSTER TOGETHER.

I WOULD HAVE NEVER THOUGHT OF THAT.

YOU MAY NOT BE A COMPLETE IDIOT AFTER ALL.

YOUR IDEAS HERE AREN'T HALF BAD,

BUT I HATE THE TITLE AND THE ENDING.

IT'S TOO DEPRESSING.

COME OUT TO THE HOUSE THIS WEEKEND,

AND WE'LL FIGURE SOMETHING OUT.

WILL WE BE READY FOR CYRUS BY NEXT WEEK?

CYRUS? UH, WELL...

DON'T YOU THINK WE OUGHT TO WAIT

FOR STELLA TO GET BACK?

STELLA! FUCK HER!

WE TAKE THIS TO STELLA,

SHE'S JUST GOING TO TAKE CREDIT FOR ALL YOUR WORK.

NO. FUCK HER.

IT'S KILL OR HAVE YOUR CONTRACT TERMINATED EARLY.

WE NEED TO GO DIRECTLY TO THE TOP.

WE NEED TO GO TO CYRUS.

HOLD ON A SECOND.

DAWN'S BRINGING THE PROJECT TO STELLA.

REMEMBER? YOU PASSED.

YOU LIKE DAWN, DON'T YOU?

YOU CONSUMMATE THE RELATIONSHIP YET?

DAWN? DAWN AND I--

I DON'T GIVE A FUCK.

SHUT UP AND LISTEN.

WOMEN...

THEY RESPOND TO ONE THING AND ONE THING ONLY--

SUCCESS.

THIS ISN'T JUST ME TALKING.

SIT DOWN.

THIS IS SCIENTIFIC FACT.

IT IS PRIMITIVE INSTINCT FOR A WOMAN LIKE DAWN

TO CHOOSE A MATE WHO CAN BEST PROVIDE FOR HER NEEDS AND WANTS.

IT'S NO OFFENSE TO YOU,

BUT...YOU ARE ONLY AN ASSISTANT.

SURE, YOU'RE MY ASSISTANT,

BUT YOU KNOW, NONETHELESS.

AN ASSISTANT.

DAWN, ON THE OTHER HAND,

IS A...

IS A PRODUCER.

HER CAR PHONE BILLS ARE MORE THAN YOUR RENT.

JUST HOW LONG DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING TO LAST?

DAWN AND I...

WE, WE, WE--

I WANT TO HELP OUT,

BECAUSE IF YOU PUT THIS PROJECT TOGETHER,

YOU'RE NOT GOING TO BE

JUST THE ASSISTANT ANY LONGER.

SO I'M GOING TO GIVE YOU THE CHANCE

TO PLAY HERO.

YOU GET TO BE DAWN'S WHITE KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOR.

YOU.

YOU HAVE TO CONVINCE DAWN

TO BRING THE PROJECT BACK TO ME.

NOT TO STELLA.

TO ME.

NOW, I COULD DO IT,

BUT THERE'D BE NO PAYOFF FOR YOU.

I JUST DON'T KNOW HOW I WOULD--

YOU DO THIS THING...

YOU CONVINCE DAWN TO GO THIS WAY...

AND THEN YOU AND I...

ARE GOING TO RUN THIS PLACE.

THE BOTH OF US.

ALL RIGHT.

I'LL DO IT.

HE SAID I WAS INDISPENSABLE.

LOOK. HE GAVE ME A BEEPER.

I THINK HE'S BEGINNING TO RESPECT ME.

HE'S REALLY BEGINNING TO RESPECT ME.

OH, GUY, PLEASE WAKE UP.

HE'S JUST GOT YOU ON A SHORTER LEASH, THAT'S ALL.

OH, YOU'RE DOING IT ALL WRONG. MOVE.

[SIGHS]

SO, LET ME GUESS.

HE GAVE YOU THAT TEAM HORSESHIT, RIGHT?

WIN ONE FOR US-- YOU AND ME.

EXACTLY WHAT IS IT THAT WE ARE SUPPOSED TO DO?

NOT MUCH.

FIND A NEW TITLE, NEW ENDING,

AND YOU HAVE TO CANCEL YOUR MEETING WITH STELLA.

UNBELIEVABLE! UN-FUCKING-BELIEVABLE!

ALL STELLA WANTS TO DO

IS TAKE CREDIT FOR YOUR WORK.

I ALREADY CONVINCED BUDDY TO GO DIRECTLY TO CYRUS.

HE CAN'T DO THAT IF YOU PITCH IT TO STELLA.

I DON'T WANT TO JEOPARDIZE

YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH STELLA.

I'M SORRY, BUT--

STOP.

DO NOT APOLOGIZE.

IT'S A SIGN OF WEAKNESS.

MOVE.

DON'T TELL ME WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE, GUY.

I KNOW THE DRILL.

THE POLITICKING, THE COMPROMISES...

THE SPILLING OF COFFEE ON OURSELVES

IN THE RACE TO KISS ASS.

ACTUALLY, BUDDY DID THAT.

I LET HIS COFFEE GET COLD,

AND HE THREW IT AT ME.

BUT I LEARNED A VALUABLE LESSON--

NEVER LET BUDDY'S COFFEE GET COLD.

AND THIS?

IT'S A BAGEL STAIN.

BAGEL STAIN.

I PUT TOO MUCH CREAM CHEESE ON HIS BAGEL,

SO HE THREW IT AT ME.

AGAIN, I LEARNED A VERY VALUABLE LESSON--

NEVER PUT TOO MUCH CREAM CHEESE ON BUDDY'S BAGELS.

YEAH. HE REALLY RESPECTS YOU.

I THINK WE SHOULD WAIT.

I WILL WAIT AND GO TO STELLA.

NO. BUDDY WANTS TO DO THIS NOW.

IF THIS PICTURE IS BIG,

WE'LL GO MAKE OUR OWN MOVIES.

WE JUST HAVE TO DEAL WITH BUDDY ON THIS ONE.

DO YOU HATE ME?

IS THAT IT?

YOU DO. YOU DO. YOU HATE ME.

OH, GOD. I DON'T HATE YOU.

I JUST WANT YOU TO MAKE THE RIGHT CHOICE.

I SAY WE GO WITH BUDDY.

[SIGHS]

O.K. BUT KNOW THIS--

I HAVE SEEN WHAT HE CAN DO.

YOU CANNOT GET INTO BED WITH HIM

WITHOUT GETTING FUCKED.

HE PLAYS A ZERO SUM GAME.

THAT'S HIS DRILL.

NOBODY WINS UNLESS SOMEBODY LOSES.

YEAH, WELL...

AS LONG AS I DON'T LOSE YOU.

LOSS.

THEY SAY THAT REAL PAIN, REAL SUFFERING

IS CAUSED FROM LOSS.

LOSS OF FAMILY.

LOSS OF LOVE.

LOSS OF THE THINGS THAT MATTER MOST.

I LIKE IT.

IT'S A LITTLE DIFFERENT LOOK FOR YOU,

BUT I LIKE IT.

O.K.

NOW...

LET'S FORGET ALL THE OTHER SHIT

WE'VE BEEN DOING HERE TONIGHT.

LET'S START THINKING BIG.

GRAND.

ABBONDANTE, IF YOU WILL.

I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

DON'T GO ANYWHERE.

TA DA!

SO, WHAT DO YOU THINK?

THAT'S IT?

THAT'S ALL? COME ON.

LOOK AT YOURSELF.

LOOK AT YOUR FACE.

LOOK AT YOUR PRECIOUS HAIR.

[CHUCKLING]

THERE'S NO WAY THAT ROGAINE'S GOING TO HELP YOU

OUT OF THIS ONE, MY FRIEND.

I'M TELLING YOU. HA HA HA!

YOU ARE FUCKED UP.

[CHUCKLING]

FINE. YOU WANT TO GO BACK TO THE HOT SAUCE?

THAT'S FINE BY ME.

[GLASS BREAKS]

SEVEN YEARS.

WHAT?

[CHUCKLING]

THE MIRROR.

SEVEN YEARS' BAD LUCK.

HA HA HA!

HA HA HA!

SHUT UP.

HA HA HA!

SHUT UP!

HA HA HA!

[COCKS GUN]

I SAID SHUT UP!

HA HA HA!

HA HA HA!

THAT'S BRILLIANT.

THAT'S FUCKING BRILLIANT.

HA HA HA!

THIS IS GENIUS. SHEER FUCKING GENIUS.

THIS IS GREAT WORK, GUY!

THANKS. YOU SAID YOU NEEDED AN ENDING, SO...

AND TO SET IT IN A LAUNDROMAT.

IT'S PERFECT. IT'S REAL.

IT'S BELIEVABLE.

RIGHT, AND WHAT'S MORE ROMANTIC

THAN A WOMAN SCRUBBING YOUR SHORTS, RIGHT?

HA HA HA!

THAT'S GREAT. GOOD WORK.

REALLY? THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

WE HAVE A GO MOVIE.

CYRUS IS GOING TO GREEN-LIGHT THIS RIGHT AWAY.

I'M GOING TO SHOW HIM THESE NOTES.

IT'S GOOD-BYE, STELLA. HELLO, BUDDY AND GUY.

THERE'S SOME SPELLING ERRORS I NEED TO CLEAN UP.

TO HELL WITH THAT. DON'T WORRY ABOUT THAT.

HE'S GOING TO BE TOO EXCITED ABOUT CONTENT

TO WORRY ABOUT SPELLING. CONGRATULATIONS.

YOU DID IT.

I AM NOT GOING TO FORGET THIS.

GET READY TO MEET THE CHAIRMAN OF THE BOARD.

I'M GOING TO TELL CYRUS ABOUT YOU.

YOU EARNED IT. YOU DESERVE IT.

OH, SHIT.

I LEFT MY BELT AT MARNIE'S LAST NIGHT.

I CAN'T SEE CYRUS LIKE THIS.

OH!

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

BUDDY ACKERMAN'S OFFICE.

DAWN, BUDDY LOVED THE NOTES.

YEAH. HE'S IN A MEETING WITH CYRUS RIGHT NOW.

YEAH. CYRUS.

CYRUS.

THEY'RE COMING DOWN THE HALL NOW.

LET ME CALL YOU BACK.

I'LL CALL YOU BACK.

[BUDDY] THERE'S NOTHING MORE ROMANTIC

THAN A GIRL SCRUBBING A GUY'S UNDERWEAR.

YOU THINK THE KIDS ARE GOING TO RESPOND TO THIS?

ABSOLUTELY. CYRUS, IT SPEAKS TO THEIR GENERATION,

A GENERATION THAT'S BEEN DISSED--

DISILLUSIONED, DISAPPOINTED, DISMAYED. RIGHT, FOSTER?

[FOSTER] THAT SUMS IT UP PERFECTLY.

WELL, GOOD.

YOU CAN NEVER TELL WITH YOU KIDS THESE DAYS.

LET ME JUST GRAB THIS, AND THEN WE'LL GO EAT.

YOU'VE JUST GOT TO FIX THESE SPELLING ERRORS.

IT'S UNPROFESSIONAL.

I'M SORRY. I SHOULD HAVE CHECKED IT FIRST.

I JUST HAD GUY TYPE IT UP FOR ME.

I WAS JUST TOO DAMNED EXCITED.

CAN YOU BLAME ME?

OH, NO. I ADMIRE THAT KIND OF ENTHUSIASM.

IT'S A GREAT PROJECT, BUDDY.

I'M NOT GOING TO FORGET WHO BROUGHT IT TO ME.

KEEP THIS UP, I'LL HAVE TO

MAKE YOU PRESIDENT OF PRODUCTION.

I JUST WANT A HOME RUN FOR THE TEAM.

YOU ALL RIGHT, MAN.

BUDDY ACKERMAN'S OFFICE CALLING.

NO, MAN. LISTEN TO ME.

I'M NOT GOING TO LET THAT ONE ISSUE

BE A FUCKING DEAL BREAKER ON THIS.

I-IT'S IMPOSSIBLE, SO--

NO WAY.

WELL, YOU GO BACK, AND YOU MAKE A COUNTEROFF--

WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU GOING?

I WAS GOING TO THE BATHROOM.

I--I NEED TO GO.

FORGET WHAT YOU NEED AND CONCENTRATE ON WHAT I NEED.

GET ME ON ANOTHER FUCKING CALL.

SHUT UP FOR A SECOND. LISTEN TO ME.

I DON'T CARE WHAT STELLA SAID.

YOU CLOSE THE DEAL.

WE'RE GOING TO LOSE THE KID.

ALL RIGHT? GET BACK TO ME.

THIS IS BUDDY ACKERMAN'S OFFICE CALLING.

FINE. I'LL HAVE HIM GET BACK TO YOU.

BUDDY ACKERMAN'S OFFICE CALLING.

FINE. YES, WE'LL HOLD,

BUT PLEASE GET HIM.

WATER?

UH, THIS IS BUDDY ACKERMAN'S OFFICE CALLING.

OH, I DON'T WANT THAT MUCH.

BUDDY ACKERMAN'S OFFICE CALLING.

THANK YOU.

LEAVE WORD.

BUDDY ACKERMAN'S OFFICE CALLING.

FINE. PLEASE LEAVE WORD WITH HIM.

YES. WE'LL CALL BACK.

[RUNNING]

[DOOR SLAMS]

WYOMING.

WHAT? YOU HAVE A WESTERN THERE?

FORGET ABOUT MONTANA.

WYOMING IS...IS...

IT'S CLEAN. IT'S PURE.

WE'LL NEVER LEAVE EXCEPT IF WE NEED SOMETHING.

WE'LL ONLY GO INTO TOWN IF WE NEED SOMETHING.

WE? OHH.

YEAH. YOU'RE GOING TO WANT TO COME, AREN'T YOU?

MM-HMM.

I COULD WRITE.

NO MORE SUCKING UP TO THESE EGOTISTICAL IDIOTS.

NO MORE POLITICKING.

NO MORE BAD SCRIPTS.

AND MOST OF ALL, NO MORE BUDDY ACKERMAN.

* SCEE BEE DEE BEE DOO BOP... *

[DIALING CAR PHONE]

[RING]

HI. THIS IS GUY. LEAVE ME A MESSAGE.

* SHIT, FUCK, OH, PISS **

GUY? PICK UP THE PHONE. I KNOW YOU'RE THERE.

COME ON. PICK UP, PICK UP, PICK UP,

PICK UP, PICK UP.

HELLO?

HEY. HOW YOU DOING?

UH, I'M FINE. I'M HERE WITH--

GREAT. THAT'S GREAT.

LET'S DO IT. SCRIPT STATUS?

THE NEW DRAFT'S IN, NOTES BY MONDAY.

THAT'S GREAT. AND THE DEAL?

SIGNED AND DELIVERED FRIDAY NIGHT.

HA HA! ANY NEW, UH--

NO, NO. NO NEW HAIR PRODUCTS THIS WEEK.

ALL RIGHT. O.K.

NO, THAT'S GREAT. NO, NO, GREAT.

GIVE ME MINDY'S NUMBER.

[RADIO] WEEKEND'S ALMOST OVER, EVERYONE,

SO ENJOY IT WHILE YOU CAN.

TO HELP YOU OUT, WE'RE GOING TO CONTINUE ON

WITH A MARATHON OF NONSTOP...

I DON'T HAVE IT WITH ME. IT'S AT THE OFFICE.

JESUS CHRIST, YOU CAN'T DO ANYTHING RIGHT.

YOU KNOW I WAS SEEING HER TONIGHT.

YOUR HEAD'S GOT TO BE A ROLODEX,

OR YOUR ASS IS ON THE LINE.

NO, NO. YOU'RE RIGHT.

GET DOWN TO THE OFFICE AND GET ME HER NUMBER.

[DIAL TONE]

COME HERE.

I HAVE TO GO TO THE OFFICE.

YOU WERE JUST THERE.

I GOT TO GET A PHONE NUMBER.

FOR WHAT? ONE OF BUDDY'S BIMS?

JUST TRY TO UNDERSTAND, O.K.?

I--I HAVE TO DO THIS.

NO, YOU DON'T.

YOU'VE PLAYED THE DODDERING HOUSEBOY LONG ENOUGH.

I KNOW, BUT I'VE MADE A COMMITMENT.

AND YOU THINK THAT MEANS SOMETHING TO HIM?

DON'T LEAVE. I'M COMING RIGHT BACK.

LOOK, DO ME A FAVOR.

THE NEXT TIME BUDDY CALLS, SAY, "I DON'T CARE."

NO, REALLY. TRY IT.

SAY, "I DON'T CARE, BUDDY."

COME ON.

YOU REALLY CAN'T DO IT, CAN YOU?

WYOMING, MY ASS.

YOU KNOW, WHEN YOU FIGURE OUT WHAT IT IS YOU REALLY WANT,

WHY DON'T YOU GIVE ME A CALL?

YOU.

WHAT?

YOU ARE THE ONLY THING

IN MY MISERABLE, SHITTY LITTLE EXISTENCE

THAT I HAVE TO LOOK FORWARD TO.

YOU'RE THE ONLY REAL THING THAT I HAVE LEFT.

THEN SAY IT.

SAY YOU DON'T CARE. COME ON. SAY IT.

FINE. LEAVE.

YOUR PROJECT IS SET UP.

YOU GOT WHAT YOU WANTED, AND I GOT LAID.

GOT TO GIVE ACTION TO GET ACTION.

YEAH, THAT'S IT.

THAT'S IT EXACTLY.

CONGRATULATIONS, GUY.

YOU JUST GRADUATED.

YOU'RE GOING TO MAKE A KILLING IN THIS BUSINESS.

[GUY] PROTECT MY INTERESTS, SERVE MY NEEDS.

CHRIST, YOU'RE DENSE.

NO WONDER YOUR WIFE LEFT YOU.

THAT'S ANOTHER THING.

ALL THIS TIME THAT I'VE WORKED FOR YOU,

I STILL DON'T KNOW A THING ABOUT YOUR EX-WIFE.

THERE'S NOT A TRACE,

NOT A PICTURE IN THE WHOLE HOUSE.

W-WAS SHE BEAUTIFUL?

YES.

DID YOU LOVE HER?

YES.

OH.

OH, HOW NICE.

WHEN'S SHE COMING HOME?

OH, I FORGOT.

SHE LEFT YOU.

[CHUCKLING]

WHAT DO YOU WANT?

WHAT DO I WANT?

WHAT DO I WANT? WHAT DO I WANT?

WELL, TELL ME A STORY.

TELL ME ABOUT A YOUNG BUDDY IN LOVE

WITH A WOMAN WHO JUST DIDN'T WANT HIM.

WAS IT A PAINFUL SEPARATION?

DID YOU FIND HER IN THE PASSIONATE THROES

OF A SECRET LOVER? HMM?

DID SHE TAKE YOU FOR EVERYTHING YOU HAD,

OR DID THE BITCH ONLY GET HALF?

SHE DIED.

OH. IS THAT ALL?

WELL, BOOHOO.

WHAT A LINE.

"MY WIFE DIED. CAN YOU COME HOME WITH ME?

HOLD ME. LOVE ME. FUCK ME." CHRIST.

OH, GOD, YOU ARE SUCH AN ASSHOLE.

CHRISTMAS EVE, 12 YEARS AGO.

SHE WAS ON HER WAY TO THE MALL.

I WAS SUPPOSED TO HAVE GONE WITH HER.

WE HADN'T STARTED OUR CHRISTMAS SHOPPING YET,

BUT IT WAS GOING TO BE SIMPLE,

JUST SOME STUFF FOR OUR PARENTS.

MONEY WAS TIGHT,

AND SHOPPING WAS A HASSLE ANYWAY.

WE EVEN PROMISED NOT TO GIVE EACH OTHER GIFTS.

ON THE WAY, THERE WAS A CAR THAT HAD BROKEN DOWN.

MALLORY PULLED OVER TO HELP.

I ALWAYS TOLD HER SHE WAS SUCH A BUSYBODY,

BUT SHE CALLED IT BEING NICE.

SHE GOT OUT AND ASKED IF EVERYTHING WAS ALL RIGHT

OR SOMETHING STUPID.

ANYWAY, IT WAS A SCAM,

BUNCH OF PUNK KIDS STEALING CARS.

THEY SHOT HER.

I WAS STUCK AT THE OFFICE

WRAPPING CHRISTMAS GIFTS FOR MY BOSS.

A LOT OF GIFTS. WE'D HAD A GOOD YEAR.

I WAS THERE TILL 3:00 A.M.

THE WHOLE TIME, I'M THINKING,

"OH, BOY, SHE IS GOING TO BE PISSED.

WHEN I GET HOME, I'M A DEAD MAN."

ANYWAY, I GOT HOME,

GOT THE MESSAGE,

WENT DOWN TO THE HOSPITAL TO IDENTIFY HER.

IT WAS A WHOLE WEEK INTO THE NEW YEAR

BEFORE I FOUND THEM--

THESE STUPID WIND-UP TOYS AND A NOTE--

"IN THE CONSTANT RAT RACE OF LIFE,

DON'T EVER FORGET TO UNWIND."

SHE WAS NEVER REALLY ANY GOOD AT WRITING NOTES.

LOOK, I DIDN'T KNOW ANYTHING--

OH, GUY DIDN'T KNOW. IMAGINE THAT.

BOY GENIUS HERE DIDN'T KNOW SOMETHING.

THAT IS NO EXCUSE FOR YOUR BEHAVIOR.

YOU THINK YOU KNOW IT ALL, DON'T YOU?

YOU'RE 25. YOU'RE A BABY.

YOU DON'T KNOW SHIT.

LOOK, I KNOW WHAT'S FAIR, O.K.?

LOOK, I CAN APPRECIATE THIS.

I WAS YOUNG, TOO. I FELT JUST LIKE YOU.

HATED AUTHORITY, HATED ALL MY BOSSES,

THOUGHT THEY WERE FULL OF SHIT.

IF YOU'RE NOT A REBEL BY 20,

YOU GOT NO HEART.

IF YOU HAVEN'T TURNED ESTABLISHMENT BY 30,

YOU GOT NO BRAINS.

THERE ARE NO STORYBOOK ROMANCES,

NO FAIRY-TALE ENDINGS,

SO BEFORE YOU RUN OUT AND CHANGE THE WORLD,

ASK YOURSELF WHAT DO YOU REALLY WANT?

* WHEN THE PLANE LANDS

* WHEN THE CRACKS APPEAR IN THE LAND *

* AND THE ROCKS TURN INTO SAND... **

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

[RING]

HANK, WHAT HAPPENED TO THAT DELIVERY?

UH-HUH.

UH-HUH.

OOH.

STOP IT, HANK.

THAT'S NOT WHAT I ASKED FOR.

MM-HMM. LOOK, I DON'T CARE IF GOD HIMSELF CAME DOWN

AND DESTROYED THE MESSENGER VAN.

WHAT I CARE ABOUT IS DETAIL.

8:30 IS NOT THE SAME AS 8:00.

HANK, SHUT UP.

LISTEN AND LEARN.

WHEN I ASK FOR SOMETHING TO BE DELIVERED AT 8:00,

I EXPECT IT AT 8:00.

I WANT IT AT 8:00, NOT 8:30.

SO THE NEXT TIME I ASK

FOR SOMETHING TO BE DELIVERED AT 8:00,

GET IT THERE.

GOOD MORNING.

WHAT'S GOING ON?

WELL, THERE WAS JUST A LITTLE MIX-UP IN THE MAILROOM.

CYRUS' BIRTHDAY GIFT IS ON ITS WAY.

[RING]

THE PHONE IS RINGING.

[RING]

BUDDY ACKERMAN'S OFFICE.

YES, SHEILA, HE'S RIGHT HERE.

HOLD ON ONE MOMENT, PLEASE.

CYRUS.

UH, UH, UH, UH.

CYRUS.

HEY.

* HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU *

WHAT? ARE YOU KIDDING? HOW COULD I FORGET?

THE PROJECT?

LOOKS GREAT.

HOW GREAT?

ABOUT $100 MILLION GREAT.

HOW'S THAT SOUND?

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

YEAH? HA HA! REALLY?

[RING]

WELL, TELL ME ABOUT IT.

BUDDY ACKERMAN'S OFFICE.

NO, FOSTER, HE'S ON WITH CYRUS.

WELL, YOU ASKED FOR IT, YOU GOT IT.

I'LL HAVE HIM CALL YOU RIGHT BACK, FOSTER.

AS SOON AS HE'S OFF. BYE.

OH, THAT'S GREAT.

ME? OH, ARE YOU KIDDING? I GOT NO TIME.

I'M TOO BUSY WORKING FOR YOU.

YEAH? WELL, O.K.

ALL RIGHT.

WELL, ANYTHING YOU SAY.

I'LL TAKE CARE OF IT.

UH, FOSTER KANE--

THE NOTES?

YEAH, YOU'LL GET THEM BY 6:00 TONIGHT.

GUY'S WORKING ON THEM RIGHT NOW.

GUY? OH, HE IS FAN-FUCKING-TASTIC.

HE'S THE BEST I'VE EVER HAD.

I'LL HAVE TO START LOOKING AFTER MY BACK.

HE'S COMING UP.

HE'S THE ONE TO WATCH,

THE ONE MOVING UP. UH-HUH.

O.K. YEAH.

BYE-BYE.

YOU SEE? I'M LOOKING OUT FOR YOU.

LISTEN TO ME.

NOBODY ELSE.

BECAUSE I HAVE YOUR BEST INTERESTS AT HEART.

DO I LOOK THAT STUPID? DO I LOOK THAT DUMB?

UNBELIEVABLE.

DID YOU REALLY THINK YOU COULD PULL THAT ON ME?

HEY, I TOLD CYRUS ABOUT YOU.

BULLSHIT!

YOU TOOK CREDIT FOR EVERYTHING THAT I DID.

BULLSHIT. HE KNOWS WHO YOU ARE.

YOU LIED! YOU LIED TO ME!

I TOLD YOU WHAT YOU WANTED TO HEAR,

WHAT YOU NEEDED TO HEAR.

BULLSHIT.

YOU WERE GETTING COMPLACENT, UNGRATEFUL,

COMPLETE AND TOTAL JOB BURNOUT.

YOU JUST DIDN'T GIVE A SHIT ANYMORE,

DRAGGING YOUR FEET EVERYWHERE,

TELLING EVERYBODY YOU WERE DOING MY JOB,

THAT YOU WERE RUNNING THE SHOW,

THAT WITHOUT YOU, I WAS NOTHING.

YEAH. PEOPLE TELL ME THINGS.

DON'T COME PREACHING TO ME

ABOUT YOUR IDEAS OF WHAT'S FAIR.

YOU'RE NO MARTYR HERE. YOU'RE NO HERO.

YOU'RE JUST A FUCKING HYPOCRITE.

YOU'RE JUST LIKE ANY OTHER PUNK KID OUT THERE

LOOKING FOR A WAY IN, ANY WAY IN,

AND YOU NEED ME.

DOES THAT GIVE YOU THE RIGHT TO ABUSE PEOPLE?

WHAT GIVES YOU THE RIGHT TO TREAT PEOPLE LIKE--

BECAUSE I EARNED IT.

YOU THINK SOMEONE JUST HANDED ME THIS JOB?

I'VE HANDLED THE PHONES. I'VE JUGGLED THE BIMBOS.

I'VE PUT UP WITH THE TYRANTS, YELLERS, SCREAMERS.

I'VE DONE MORE THAN YOU CAN IMAGINE

IN THAT SMALL MIND OF YOURS.

I PAID MY DUES.

I DIDN'T SPEND ONE YEAR--

AND I SPENT 10!

DAMN IT, IT'S MY TURN TO BE SELFISH.

IT'S MY TURN.

YOU SEE, THAT'S THE TROUBLE

WITH YOUR FUCKING MTV-MICROWAVE-DINNER GENERATION.

YOU ALL WANT IT NOW.

YOU THINK YOU DESERVE IT

JUST BECAUSE YOU WANT IT?

IT DOESN'T WORK LIKE THAT.

YOU HAVE TO EARN IT, TAKE IT.

YOU HAVE TO MAKE IT YOURS,

BUT FIRST, GUY, YOU NEED TO DECIDE

WHAT IT IS YOU REALLY WANT.

I WANT YOU TO STOP CALLING ME

IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT.

I WANT YOU TO STOP SENDING ME TO THE FUCKING OFFICE

FOR YOUR GODDAMN PHONE NUMBERS,

FOR YOUR FUCKING SUNGLASSES.

I WANT MY LIFE BACK!

WHAT LIFE? WHAT LIFE? I GAVE YOU LIFE.

BEFORE ME, YOU WERE NOTHING.

BEFORE ME, YOU WERE AN INK SPOT,

AND NOW YOU'RE PLAYING IN THE MAJORS.

I MADE YOU.

YOU WILL ALWAYS BE GUY FROM BUDDY ACKERMAN'S OFFICE.

YOU WANT TO GO BACK TO YOUR SHITTY LITTLE EXISTENCE?

GO AHEAD. LEAVE. THERE'S THE DOOR.

NO ONE'S STOPPING YOU.

YOU COULD HAVE LEFT ANY DAY,

BUT YOU STAYED.

LET'S FORGET THE DUDLEY- DAMNED-DO-RIGHT CRAP,

BECAUSE OUT HERE,

IT'S KILL YOUR PARENTS, FUCK YOUR FRIENDS,

AND HAVE A NICE DAY.

AND THAT MAKES IT ALL RIGHT, HUH?

THAT'S A LOAD OF SHIT.

I DON'T MAKE THE RULES. I PLAY BY THEM.

YOUR JOB IS UNFAIR TO YOU?

GROW UP. WAY IT GOES.

PEOPLE USE YOU? LIFE'S UNFAIR?

GROW UP. WAY IT GOES.

YOUR GIRLFRIEND DOESN'T LOVE YOU?

TOUGH SHIT. WAY IT GOES.

YOUR WIFE GETS RAPED AND SHOT

AND THEY LEAVE THEIR UNFINISHED BEERS?

THEIR...

THEIR STINKING LONGNECKS...

JUST LYING THERE ON THE...

SO BE IT.

WAY IT GOES.

SO, NOW YOU WANT TO TELL ME WHAT YOU REALLY WANT?

WHAT THIS IS REALLY ALL ABOUT?

WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU THIS EVENING?

[BEEPING]

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

[RING]

HELLO?

HI, DAWN. IT'S, UH, BUDDY.

I'M LOOKING FOR GUY. HAVE YOU SEEN HIM?

NO. I HAVEN'T SEEN HIM IN A WHILE.

OH, THAT'S TOO BAD.

YOU WANT TO COME OVER AND DISCUSS THE PROJECT?

YOU'RE NOT REALLY LOOKING FOR GUY,

ARE YOU, BUDDY?

OOPS. YOU CAUGHT ME.

SO, WHAT DO YOU SAY?

I'D SAY I'M REALLY BUSY. SORRY.

YOU'RE FORGETTING WHAT I TAUGHT YOU.

NEVER APOLOGIZE...

IT'S A SIGN OF WEAKNESS.

NEVER FORGOT IT.

YOU KNOW, I CAN REMEMBER THE DAYS

WHEN YOU WOULD HAVE SCURRIED OVER HERE LIKE AN EAGER BEAVER.

THOSE DAYS ARE LONG GONE.

THAT'S WHY YOUR CAREER HAS BEEN ON HOLD.

YOU GOT TO GIVE ACTION TO GET ACTION.

NEVER FORGOT THAT. I GOT TO GO.

IT'S GUY, ISN'T IT?

YOU CAN'T SEE THE BOSS BECAUSE YOU'RE SCREWING THE ASSISTANT?

YEAH. THAT'S IT. THAT'S IT EXACTLY.

FINE. HE'S NO LONGER THE ASSISTANT.

EXCUSE ME?

YOU HEARD ME. HE'S HISTORY.

THERE. ANY PROBLEMS COMING OVER NOW?

I AM WARNING YOU, LEAVE GUY OUT OF THIS.

HE IS NOT THE PROBLEM, BUDDY.

WELL, MAYBE HE IS, AND MAYBE HE ISN'T.

THERE'S REALLY ONLY ONE WAY TO FIND OUT--

[DIAL TONE]

FUCK.

FUCKING MEN. FUCKING CRAZY.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

WHAT?

DAWN? IT'S GUY.

OH, HI. HEY.

CAN I COME OVER?

I--I THINK WE NEED TO TALK.

UM, LOOK, NOT--NOT TONIGHT, O.K.?

I'VE GOT A LOT OF SCRIPTS TO READ AND STUFF,

SO, UH, CAN WE DO THIS TOMORROW?

OH, UH...

TOMORROW? YEAH. YEAH. O.K.

TALK TO ME. WHAT IS IT?

OH, NOTHING.

I--I JUST WANTED TO TELL YOU SOMETHING,

BUT I GUESS IT CAN WAIT TILL TOMORROW.

O.K. CALL ME IN THE MORNING, O.K.?

I WILL.

DAWN, UM...

WHAT?

I REALLY...

I'M REALLY SORRY.

O.K.

[DIAL TONE]

I LOVE YOU.

I LOVE YOU.

[BEEPING]

* JUST LET ME TRY, AND I WILL BE THERE FOR YOU *

* I'LL SHOW YOU WHY

* IT'S MUCH MORE THAN GOOD ENOUGH... **

NO. WAIT A MINUTE. RECONSIDER WHAT, BUDDY?

WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO? ARE YOU GOING TO FIRE ME?

I GOT ANOTHER CALL. HELLO? HELLO?

IT'S STILL ME.

WE COULDN'T RETURN A LOT OF CALLS

BECAUSE YOU'VE BEEN AWAY.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, RECONSIDER?

CALL WAITING, CALL CONFERENCING--

GOT TO BE A FUCKING ROCKET SCIENTIST TO MAKE THIS WORK.

HELLO? HELLO?

[DAWN] BUDDY.

WELL, HI.

DAWN. YOU WIN.

REALLY?

MIDNIGHT, RIGHT?

YEAH, JUST LIKE OLD TIMES.

YEAH? NOT EVEN CLOSE.

SHALL I BRING ANYTHING?

NO, NOT A THING.

JUST GET YOUR CUTE LITTLE BUTT OVER HERE.

I'LL LEAVE THE KEY OUT.

BUDDY? DAWN.

WELL, HI.

SHALL I BRING ANYTHING?

I'LL LEAVE THE KEY OUT.

MIDNIGHT, RIGHT?

YEAH, JUST LIKE OLD TIMES.

JUST GET YOUR CUTE LITTLE BUTT OVER HERE.

I'LL LEAVE THE KEY OUT.

SO WE'RE LEFT WITH JUST ONE THING,

THE ONLY THING I KNOW

THAT DRIVES MEN TO HURT, TO WANT.

IT'S ABOUT A GIRL, ISN'T IT, GUY?

THIS IS ABOUT DAWN.

ALL THIS OVER A CHICK? YOU FOOL.

PLEASE, JUST SHUT UP.

GUY, YOU DISAPPOINT ME.

START THINKING WITH YOUR HEAD AND NOT YOUR HIPS.

I GAVE YOU EVERYTHING...

BUT YOU WEREN'T SATISFIED.

YOU HAD TO HAVE HER, TOO.

OH, SOME GIFT.

SHE'S NOT WHAT YOU THINK.

COME ON. GROW UP.

YOU KNOW A BED IS THE BEST FRIEND

A GIRL LIKE DAWN CAN HAVE.

IF YOU'RE GOING TO LOSE IT

EVERY TIME SOME BIM CLIMBS THE SOCIAL LADDER,

YOU'RE NEVER GOING TO MAKE IT.

ISN'T THAT RIGHT, DAWN?

DAWN, HONEY, SO GLAD YOU MADE IT ON TIME, DARLING, BECAUSE...

[LIKE RICKY RICARDO] YOU GOT SOME SPLAININ' TO DO.

BUDDY, WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?

GUY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

DON'T YOU THINK THAT'S A QUESTION YOU SHOULD BE ANSWERING?

WHAT?

OH, CHRIST.

NO, GUY, THIS IS NOT WHAT YOU THINK.

REALLY? TELL US, WHAT ARE WE SUPPOSED TO THINK?

A YOUNG, EAGER PRODUCER

COMES TO THE HOUSE OF A TOP EXECUTIVE

FOR A MIDNIGHT RENDEZVOUS.

RIGHT, GUY. IT'S NOT WHAT YOU THINK.

SHE'S DEFINITELY NOT SELLING GIRL SCOUT COOKIES.

WHAT HAS HAPPENED HERE?

STOP WITH THE FUCKING STUPID QUESTIONS.

HE'S TAKEN ME HOSTAGE.

HE'S BEATEN ME, TORTURED ME,

AND I THINK YOU'RE NEXT, DEAR.

GUY, THIS IS COMPLETELY INSANE.

JUST PUT THE GUN DOWN,

AND WHY DON'T WE TALK ABOUT THIS?

TALK? TALK?

WHAT THE FUCK YOU THINK WE'VE BEEN DOING ALL NIGHT?

YOU DON'T FULLY APPRECIATE THE SITUATION.

AFTER YOU GET PAST THE "OOPS, HE CAUGHT US" STAGE

AND REALIZE WE'RE BOTH FUCKED, LET ME KNOW.

I'VE GOT NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU.

WHAT HAPPENED TO STANDING BY YOUR MAN, DAWN?

YOU DON'T STAND BY THEM.

YOU STAND ON THEM AS YOU CLIMB TO THE NEXT ONE'S BED.

DAWN USED TO BE QUITE THE FUCK TOWEL--

FRESH FILM-SCHOOL GRAD

WHO FUCKED HER WAY TO TOP ASSISTANT DESK,

JUNIOR EXECUTIVE, AND THEN TO V.P.

IT WAS QUITE A RISE.

SHE STOPPED THE DAY SHE GOT HER PRODUCER DEAL.

BEEN THREE YEARS NOW TRYING TO MAKE "IMPORTANT" FILMS.

SHE STARTED TO WORRY ABOUT WORDS LIKE HONOR, DIGNITY, AND RESPECT--

WORDS THAT A TWO-BIT TRAMP COULD NEVER AFFORD.

HOW DARE YOU JUDGE ME?

WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?

O.K. YOU TELL HIM, THEN.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

WHY DON'T YOU TELL HIM?

IT'S BETTER HE HEARS FROM YOU.

YOU SET THIS UP!

[GUNSHOT]

SHUT UP!

BOTH OF YOU, SHUT UP.

GUY, YOU'RE ACTING LIKE A CHILD.

YOU'RE NO BETTER THAN HE IS RIGHT NOW.

ME? WHAT ABOUT YOU?

TELL ME SOMETHING.

H-HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN FUCKING HIM?

A COUPLE OF GOOD YEARS.

SHUT UP!

GUY, I KNOW WHAT THIS LOOKS LIKE.

IT IS NOT WHAT YOU THINK.

I CAME HERE FOR YOU. I CAME HERE FOR US.

YOU CAME HERE FOR US?

I TOLD HIM TO PROMOTE YOU. THE FILM WAS GETTING MADE.

IT'S EVERYTHING YOU WANTED, EVERYTHING YOU HOPED FOR.

NO.

NO, IT ISN'T.

IT'S NOT WHAT I WANTED.

IT'S NOT THE WAY IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE.

I WANTED THIS FOR US.

I--I WANTED THIS FOR YOU.

EXCUSE ME. WAIT A MINUTE.

YOU TWO THINK YOU LOVE EACH OTHER,

AND THAT'S THE REASON YOU PUT UP WITH MY SHIT?

THAT'S THE MOST PATHETIC THING I'VE EVER HEARD.

I TOLD YOU TO SHUT UP!

GUY, THIS IS WHAT HE WANTS.

PUT THE GUN DOWN.

HE HAS GOT TO PAY.

HE IS NOT WORTH IT.

YOU KNOW WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO.

DON'T GIVE UP EVERYTHING YOU'VE WORKED FOR.

COME ON, BOY.

WE CAN FIX THIS IF YOU PUT THE GUN DOWN.

IT'S YOURS, AND YOU KNOW YOU WANT IT.

IF YOU DON'T TAKE IT, I GOT NO SYMPATHY.

IT IS ALL FOR NOTHING.

WILL YOU STAY THE FUCK OUT OF THIS?

I--I AM TRYING TO SAVE YOUR LIFE HERE.

AND I'M TRYING TO GIVE GUY HIS.

BABY, HE CAN'T FUCK HIS WAY THROUGH THE RANKS

AS WELL AS YOU CAN.

HE'S GOT TO FIGHT AND SCRATCH HIS WAY THERE.

YOU HAVE NOTHING TO CONTRIBUTE TO THIS,

SO STAY THE FUCK OUT.

HA!

GO AHEAD. SHOOT.

I DON'T CARE.

YABBA-DABBA-DOO.

ALL RIGHT, GUY, COME ON.

LET'S FINISH THIS.

SHOW ME WHAT YOU'RE MADE OF.

DON'T LET ME DOWN, SON.

EVERYTHING I'VE TAUGHT YOU COMES DOWN TO THIS.

THIS IS THE ONLY WAY YOU CAN HOPE TO SURVIVE

BECAUSE LIFE IS NOT A MOVIE.

EVERYONE LIES.

GOOD GUYS LOSE.

AND LOVE...

DOES NOT CONQUER ALL.

SO LET'S DO THIS THING.

LET'S FINISH IT.

I'M SORRY.

DO IT! COME ON, DO IT NOW!

[BULLET CASING DROPS ONTO FLOOR]

[RADIO PLAYING ANGELS WE HAVE HEARD ON HIGH]

CURRENTLY 78 DEGREES IN HOLLYWOOD

AND BEGINNING TO LOOK A LOT LIKE CHRISTMAS.

HEY, HEY, LOOK WHO'S THE NEW BIG MAN ON CAMPUS.

COME ON IN AND SIT DOWN, JACK.

WHAT? THIS IS UNBELIEVABLE. UNBELIEVABLE.

YOU HAVE GOT TO BE THE YOUNGEST EXECUTIVE THEY'VE EVER HAD HERE.

YEAH, WELL...

WELL, NOTHING. YOU DESERVE IT,

AFTER YOU SAVED BUDDY FROM THAT CRAZY CHICK.

UNBELIEVABLE.

THAT'S NOT QUITE HOW IT HAPPENED, JACK.

THAT'S NOT QUITE THE WAY IT HAPPENED?

SHIT.

THIS JILTED LOVER HOLDS BUDDY HOSTAGE,

BEATS HIM, TORTURES HIM,

AND YOU RIDE IN AND SAVE THE DAY.

ABOVE AND BEYOND THE CALL OF DUTY, GUY.

I WAS DELIVERING SCRIPTS

AND HAPPENED TO BE THERE.

YOU PULLED THE TRIGGER ON HER, MAN.

YOU WERE A HERO.

YOU DESERVE THIS.

SO, YOU KNOW,

DO YOU THINK YOU COULD POP A GOOD WORD IN FOR ME?

I MEAN, MY YEAR'S ALMOST DONE HERE.

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING, JACK.

EVERYONE IS GOING TO WANT TO GIVE YOU THE SAME ADVICE,

TELL YOU THAT YOU HAVE TO PAY YOUR DUES,

ASK YOU TO DO THEM A FAVOR,

"DO THIS FOR US."

THEY ALL WANT YOU TO PLAY BY THE RULES, JACK--

THEIR RULES.

WELL, SAVE THAT CANDY-STRIPE SHIT

FOR THE WALL STREET WIMPS,

BECAUSE THIS TOWN IS A JUNGLE.

THIS IS YOUR INNER CITY.

THESE ARE YOUR MEAN STREETS,

AND THE ONLY INTERESTS THAT YOU NEED TO PROTECT...

ARE YOURS,

AND THE ONLY NEEDS THAT YOU HAVE TO SERVE...

ARE YOURS.

SO, THE ONLY QUESTION THAT YOU NEED TO ANSWER IS THIS,

AND THINK ABOUT THIS, JACK...

WHAT DO YOU REALLY WANT?

WELL...

I HAVE TO GO TO A MEETING, JACK, SO...

O.K.

YOU'RE MY GOD.

HEY, GUY, WHAT DO YOU SAY WE GRAB SOME DINNER TONIGHT?

I'D LIKE TO, JACK,

BUT I HAVE TO WRAP SOME CHRISTMAS GIFTS.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

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CAPTIONS COPYRIGHT 1995 KEYSTONE PARTNERS II LP.