All language subtitles for Selfie.Dad.2020.HDRip.XviD.AC3-EVO

Subtitles by explosiveskull
www.OpenSubtitles.org

I love doing comedy.

I was doing a show,
at, uh, Hermosa Beach

at the Comedy and Magic Club,
right?

So I leave, I leave
and I'm walking to my car

and it's getting a little cold,
a little dark outside,

so I'm thinking, "Let me hurry
up to get to where I need

to be," so I start jogging.

Then this white lady with her
little jogging outfit on

came around the corner
about 20 feet in front of me.

We're jogging
in the same direction now.

Then she looked back.

She started jogging faster.

So I looked back, too.

Now, I didn't see
anything back there.

I could've easily
passed her up,

but I'm thinking,
"No, I can't just leave

"this defenseless lady
out here by herself.

Whoever back there
gonna get her."

So I yelled up to her,

"Is that as fast
as you can run?"

Ladies and
gentlemen, Ben Marcus.

See? I told you he was good.

Yeah, you're right.
He had potential.

- Why'd he give it up?
- We'll get to that.

But right now there's
something bigger at stake.

No way. Is he gonna jump off
that bridge over a dumb $8,000?

That's a different movie.

And eight grand was
a lot of money in 1946.

That's true.
What's his deal?

He's still living in the past,
living for himself.

He doesn't even see
that his family's slipping away.

Wow. They seem fine.

I mean, they're together.
They go to church.

- What's so bad?
- Looks can be deceiving,

even for church families.

The bottom line is
that if Ben doesn't start taking

God's Word seriously,

- he's gonna end up like his dad.
- Mm.

Wait a minute, uh,
what happened to his dad?

- Here, just watch.
- Over here?

- Over there.
- Oh.

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Huh ♪

♪ When you wish upon a star ♪

♪ Your dreams
will take you very far ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ But when you wish
upon a dream ♪

♪ Life ain't
always what it seems ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ What you see
on nights so clear ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ In the sky so very dear,
yeah ♪

♪ You're a shining star ♪

♪ No matter who you are ♪

♪ Shining bright to see ♪

♪ What you could truly be ♪

♪ Shining star for you to see ♪

♪ What your life can truly be ♪

♪ Shining star for you to see ♪

♪ What your life can truly be. ♪

Come on, Ben.

We're gonna be late.

♪ Joy, joy ♪

♪ Living for You is our joy ♪

♪ Joy ♪

♪ In Your Word, we find You ♪

♪ Give us everything ♪

♪ For everlasting joy ♪

♪ Come on ♪

♪ Sing joy with us now ♪

♪ Joy, joy ♪

♪ Living for You is our joy ♪

♪ Joy. ♪

What did you spend $48 on
at Kohl's?

Hannah.

She needed new shoes
for her play.

She got a hundred pair of shoes.

She needed special ones.
She's in Grease.

Set in the '50s.

- Jack, come eat.
- 'Kay.

If it's set in the '50s,
shoes were, like, 80 cents.

Give her a dollar.

- She can keep the change.
- Whatever.

Look, her last show is on
the 12th, and we are all going.

Jack, come eat.

- 'Kay.
- Hey.

How you doing, $48?

Did I do something wrong?

No. Dad's just in one
of his moods.

Jack, ven a comer ahora,
por favor.

'Kay.

Okay, look, hear me out.

Um, can she at least wear these
shoes with all of her clothes?

You are such a tonto.

You know, get over the shoes.

Maybe help around the house
today.

Like, uh, the downstairs toilet.

It's making a weird sound.

And,

apparently,

spraying water as well.

All my life,

I've had to fight.

Good morning, Kim.

Ben, hey, congrats.

Oh, thanks a lot. Thank you.

Three in a row.
You must be excited.

Whoa. I don't know
if I could be more excited, Kim.

Ladies and gentlemen,

the first three-time nominee
for Best Reality Show Editing.

Thank you. Thank you.

Thanks a lot.
Appreciate it.

- Thank you.
- What'd Jesse say about it?

Yeah, Jesse, Jesse.

- Yeah...
- You didn't tell her, did you?

Uh, well, you know,
I kind of... I mimed it to her,

- kind of.
- What is with you? And I thought about this.

I want you to go
to the ceremony this year.

Ceremony?
You getting married again?

- I don't know what you're talking about.
- I'm serious, Ben.

It's great for the show
if you represent.

- I want you to go.
- Uh, I don't think so.

We did conform
the begonia footage, right?

- It's on there, yeah.
- Cool.

You can take the kids.

Let me explain about ceremonies

to you, especially award show.

If they win, I'm a loser.

If I win,
I'm surrounded by losers.

Well, at least tell me
you'll think about it.

You know what, uh,
I will think about it.

- Okay.
- Hey, let me ask you a question.

How do you spell "no"?

Ben, look,
I just hope you reconsider.

'Cause you've earned this.
You might win.

Rosie might not realize she's
working with the best editor.

But as your producer,
I know she is.

This is so wack.

I appreciate that, man.

What time does Rosie get in?

She's here, already. Okay?

There's no time for coffee.

Oh, I love this soil.

I could just roll around
in this.

It's not too sticky,

not too sandy.

It is just right.

Lord, I might just go take
a bath in it.

This is my little
perennial family.

They're gonna go dormant on you.

But don't let that worry you.

Don't you worry.
Are you worried?

I don't think you are.

And I'm gonna tell you
why you're not worried

in just one minute.

We'll be right back.

Thoughts?

I like it.

It's much better.
Great tease.

Yeah, man. So, what I figured I
would do is I would contrast...

I know what you're trying to do,
what you think you're doing.

But you cannot contrast
perennials

if you haven't shown
any annuals.

- You're right. You're comp...
- No. You don't know the difference.

- Rosie.
- Yeah, I do. - No.

No, you don't. You do not.

There's no way that you can.

Now, we need to get this right.

- You're so right. I don't know what I was thinking.
- Yes.

So, um, let's get it right.

Um...

Uh...

What's wrong?

It's frozen.

Well, then unfreeze it.

It's a technical thing, Rosie.
He can't do it from here.

- Texting Mickey right now.
- Take an early lunch today.

Oh, yes.
Yes, let's just eat lunch.

Let's buy everybody lunch.
Why don't we do that?

Let's just go in the hole,
buying lunches for people.

You're doing such a fine job.

"You're doing such a fine job."

78, seventy...

107.

What up, Pastor?

Not a pastor yet.

So, what's going on?

Man,

thing keeps freezing up.

It's stuttering, man.

So, how long
has it been freezing up?

Ah, it's been, like, a week.

Oh, I got you.

Oh, man.

One more class,
and then I get to graduate.

Congratulations.
That's awesome.

Got to just finish my,
uh, senior thesis.

Oh. Yeah.

That's gonna be a lot of fun,
probably.

No, it's cool.
I actually, uh...

finally picked a topic.

Okay, what'd you pick?

You need to read the Bible.

That's what I'm calling
my paper.

Oh. Yeah,
that's a good one, man.

I'm focusing on men.

You know, how when we study
and read the Word,

it... gets into our hearts,

it affects our families.

It's powerful, man.

Really?

Yeah.

Really.

And people need to know that.
Amen.

Yeah, totally.

Hey, man, I'd love to, uh...

I'd love to pick your brain
sometime.

Pick it for...
What are you looking for?

Well, I mean,
you're a Christian, you know?

You're... You got a family.
You're old.

No offense.
But I figure,

if I'm gonna have a wife
and kids and, you know,

be a pastor someday,
I could learn a lot from you.

Yeah, it's, it's really not
that interesting, man,

- I'll just be real with you.
- Come on. See?

That's what I love about you...
you're humble.

That's exactly the kind of guy
I want to learn from.

Besides, I've worked here for,
like, what, over two years,

and I feel like
I barely know you.

- I need to process.
- Yeah, go ahead, take your time.

No, bruh.

I need my processor to work.
Right there.

- Yeah, yeah.
- Oh, this. Yes.

Um, this processor is dying.

Um, I can get around it for now
and get you through the day,

but I'm gonna have to order
the upgrade, so...

All right,
I'll leave you at it, man.

Yeah.

Okay, let me know when it's set.

Yeah.

- I got to ask you guys something.
- Yep.

- You know, when I wake up in the morning...
- Right.

I go into the bathroom,
and I sit down

when I have
to go to the bathroom.

Okay.

- I don't stand.
- Right.

'Cause I'm tired,
a little disoriented.

- Right.
- You guys do that, too?

- No.
- No. Mm-mm. - Really?

Yeah, that's just you, man.

What else do you do
that no one else does?

I like black licorice.

I'll bet you nobody
likes that, either.

Are you just saying that
'cause I'm here?

No.

- That's funny.
- He's a funny guy.

- Yeah.
- I always said you were a funny guy.

- Yeah.
- You had potential.

- Yep.
- Yeah, man,

that-that ship's
kind of sailed, man.

I'm not really...
it's not something

- I could do right now.
- It's your dad, isn't it?

You want to be a comic,
be a comic.

- You're young.
- So, what,

at this point in my life,
I'm gonna start back touring

and doing comedy in the clubs
and all that?

- There's no way, man. I got a family.
- Hey, speaking of comedy,

right, my brother Tracy
sends me a video.

Hilarious.
It's a guy,

four deep-dish pizzas,

frozen, he's juggling 'em.

At the end... they're cooked.

- What?
- Yeah. It's great.

I've watched it, like, 30 times.
Like, David Blaine who?

- You saw this on the YouTube or something?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm thinking of starting

- my own YouTube.
- Really?

- Yeah.
- Nobody's gonna watch an old man cutting hair.

No, I'm not cutting hair,
you idiot.

I'm, um, soap carving.
Um, carving of soap.

Really? You think
there's a lot of people

that would watch you
carving soap?

I don't know.
People watch me cutting hair.

Uh-huh, um, listen.

You know, it just dawned on me,

I'm a black man with a bald head
at a white barbershop.

So I'm gonna go.

He's black?

Brought you a carnation, Mom.

It's a herbaceous perennial.

If you do it right,

it has a three-,
sometimes four-week vase life.

I'm trying, Mom.

I am trying.

"You discover the rainforest,

"you hike glaciers
of ancient blue-violet ice,

and you ride horseback
with a 'goo-cho.'"

Gaucho.

We're not moving to Argentina.

Again, why not?

Look, Ben, I'm trying
to be understanding, okay?

But in the middle of
this midlife crisis, can you...

I don't know...
help out around the house?

You know...

uh, fix the toilet?

I hate that toilet.

Forget the toilet, okay?

But don't forget Hannah's play.

Or your son Jack,

who needs help
with his math homework.

You know,
his teacher e-mailed us.

He's doing it right now...
why don't you go help him?

I'll fix the toilet.

Ben, please...

please snap out of this.

Okay.

Let's do some math.

I am your tutor.

- Let's do this.
- I'm almost done.

Son...

you're watching a video.

- I know.
- That's not math.

We're doing fractions.

This guy has 87,000 views
on this video.

I rounded it up to 90.

He posted it three days ago,
which means he gets

30,000 views a day,
because one-third of 90 is 30.

This other video,
he posted seven days ago.

It has 1.4 million views,
which means he gets

200,000 views a day,
because one-seventh

of 1.4 million is 200,000.

Look, you know...

your mom said you needed
some help with math, but...

If I finish,
can you teach me how to edit?

Yeah, may... uh, maybe someday,

maybe someday.

So, when you say
1.4 million views,

does that mean
1.4 million humans

have actually watched
this video?

- That's a lot.
- That's nothing.

This one has seven million.

Seven million people want
to watch this dude's videos?

What's so special about him?

He talks while
he plays Minecraft.

And seven million people
want to watch?

Yeah. I guess.

Who wants to watch somebody else
play a video game?

Everyone, Dad.
He's funny.

I mean, he has to be...
he's a millionaire.

Wha...? A millionaire?

W-Well, how?

UTOO pays him.

UTOO pays this dude
millions of dollars

so he can make a video
of himself playing video games?

Yes?

Wh-Wh-Who... Wha-wha-wha...

uh, what?!

This is what I love
about lilies.

They are so "pottable"...
that means

you could put them
in little pots.

Don't you just love all these
little hints I'm giving you?

Yes, you do.

This is Rosie's Roses,

and you keep planting,
and you keep loving, okay?

Boom.

I love it.
Maybe our best episode ever.

I think it is a piece of junk.

It is a mangled-up piece
of junk!

You left out the whole section
of my spring tulips!

My tulips!

You made me look like a moron,
for heaven's sakes!

Here's what I was thinking.

- Um...
- No, no, no, no, no.

You're not supposed to think.

You're supposed
to push those buttons.

Is that your picture
up on the wall?

I don't think so.
Is that you

in the poster?
No, it's not.

Are those your roses?
I don't think they are.

You're supposed to push
the buttons.

Now you get to start this thing
all over and get it right!

Yes. Absolutely.
Get it right.

I'll talk to her.

What if I just...?

Let's do this.
I'm a grown man.

So, check it.

Uh, my name is Ben, right?

And this is my very first video.

Um, okay, so, uh...

um, two guys walked
into a bar, right?

There was a bump on their head,
'cause it was...

it was a pretty heavy...

No, no.

Uh...

Oh, I got two atheist friends.
Every time I'm around them,

I sneeze just to see
what they're gonna say.

So, growing up,
I went to private school.

Uh, but I probably
shouldn't tell you that,

'cause it was private.

And my wife,
she's a different race

than I am.

Which means we have
mixed feelings.

Why is "abbreviation"
such a long word?

Why is there no mirrors
in the self-checkout?

Can I call a white duck
a quacker?

I got friends who are white.

When a dog is wearing clothes,

is he disgusted
by the nakedness of other dogs?

And last,

I'd like to say,
I think it's okay

to regift a gift card
as long as there's at least

a little something on it.

I'm Ben.

Thanks for watching.

- Hey, man.
- Hey. What's up, bruh?

Hey, I just need to, uh,
install the upgrade.

If now's not a good time,
I can...

Oh. No. Cool.

Uh, I'm about to bounce.

- Cool.
- So I am out of... oh, snap.

I still got
all these logs to do.

- Hey, so this held up?
- Uh, it was fine, man.

Cool. Cool.
Well, this new processor

is gonna make it fly.

Oh. Dude,
that'll be awesome, man.

If it's okay, I'd still like
to pick your brain,

you know, for my thesis.

- The thing you're doing, yeah, yeah.
- It blows my mind

how God...
the God of the universe...

gave us a book.

Yeah, that's amazing,
gave us a book.

It's like His words,
absolute authority,

totally true, you know?

You know what?
That should be a bumper sticker.

I would put it
right on the back.

It's crazy, though,
how so many guys

that call themselves Christians

couldn't care less
about the Bible.

- That stuff is wack. I don't understand that.
- Like, I know

some guys who leave their Bibles
in their car, and then they,

you know,
they take it out for church,

and then church is over and it
goes right into the trunk,

and they don't even think about
it for the rest of the week.

I can't stand those guys,
though, man.

- That stuff is...
- Look, man, I'm sorry,

I know I'm preaching
to the choir,

but real quick, um,

I have this little book
I want to give you.

It's called
Why We Need the Bible.

Think you'll really like it.

Oh. All right, it's cool, man.

I'll bring it in next time.
You could have it.

Sure, that's-that's cool.

It's this one.

Oh, he is cute.

Mm-hmm.
He's a junior.

He's got a car and everything.

- Oh, that is cool.
- Right?

Yeah, he's the lead in this play
that I'm in at school.

- It's called Grease.
- Mmm.

My dad,

he used to talk about God
all the time with my mom.

I-I just thought
it would be the same with Ben.

Hannah and-and Jack
are growing up so fast.

I just wish he was,
you know, more involved.

I feel like
I'm doing this all on my own.

I'm sorry. I...

I tend to eat a lot of sweets
when I'm stressed.

I mean, I wouldn't say

we're dating, but we're
not really into labels.

Well, have you guys kissed yet?

No, not yet.

But, you know, all of us do
this kind of, like,

midnight hangout thing
at Canyon Park.

- You should come.
- At midnight?

Mm-hmm.

My parents would never let me.

Your parents don't have to know.

I'm just saying

that you should have seen Tom

when we first got married.

Now, we weren't believers then.
And then one day,

he comes in from work,
and he says,

"You're not going
to believe this,

but I have given my life
to the Lord."

- Mmm.
- My point is

God can do incredible things.

Oh.

That's him.
We should probably talk

- about this later.
- Of course. Of course.

Hey, Carol. What's up?

- Hey, Ben.
- Listen,

I have something
I have got to tell you guys.

Wait. You know what?
Hold on.

Okay.

All right. So,

uh, I'm just gonna come out
and say it.

You're not gonna believe this.

I started a UTOO page.

When a dog is wearing clothes,

is he disgusted
by the nakedness of other dogs?

Like, look at you just hanging out.

And last, I'd like to say
I think it's okay

to regift a gift card

as long as there at least
a little something on it.

I'm Ben. I appreciate you.
Thanks for watching.

So, yeah.
That's-that's pretty much it.

This was funny.

I... Did you know
he was this funny?

I don't really know what to say.

Jack, what you think?
I made a, um...

I made a s...
I made a selfie.

Yeah, that's not a selfie, Dad.

It's more of a video.

Okay. Video.

Selfie, video,
whatever you want to call it.

That's fine.
Important thing is you guys,

if you want to,
you can tag along.

Um, you know,
follow and like and stuff.

Subscribe.

Yes. That's right.
That's what it is.

You could, you could,
you could subscribe.

Hannah, tell your... tell
your little friend to do it.

Subscribe.

Jack, go ahead.
You do yours now.

Yeah, subscribe now.

Yes! There's number two.

Begonia, begonia, begonia!

Do you know
there is 1,795 different types

of begonias?

Honey, if I gave birth
to that many,

that'd be a litter.

...a litter.

Boom. Here we go.

My name is Ben, right?
In this video,

we're gonna make a story up
about a woman.

Not a woman. A really mean lady.

A really mean monster.
Her name is, uh...

is, uh...

Posy.

And she real mean.

Is she looking at me?

And then there's this really
humble, nice, amazing guy.

Oh, not me. It's somebody else.

And then Posy gets all mean.

He wants to moonwalk
away from her sometimes.

Yes, Ben, it was funny, okay?

I'm just saying
that if making videos

is gonna be
your new obsession...

See, that's just it.
It's not an obsession.

I just like doing it.

That's fine, okay?
Just remember

that you're a dad, okay?
And that you have a family.

I go to a job I can't stand
for my family.

I know. You remind me every day.

You don't understand.
This is my first time

in, like, 20 years

I finally get to do
something I love.

I get the point, Ben.

But for once in your life,
have some balance.

Okay? You went from...
from never thinking about it

to being 24-7 on videos.

Spend some time with your kids.

And help around the house.

You know, like that toilet!

Cool. It's fine. I'm done.

I'm not doing any more videos.
You win.

Okay, fine. Go. Go make videos.

Go. Go. Just do it all day long.
I don't care anymore.

You know what your problem is,
right?

That is not how you plant
multicolored vincas.

Your soil mixture is a mess.

¡No me digas como
plantar flores!

Hello. My name is Ben.

Today, I'm-a teach you
how to fix a toilet. Yeah.

When your life is just wack,
as my life is,

next thing
that can only make it lower

is an opportunity

to fix a toilet.

Now you have to lift
this right here. The...

This is called...
the white part.

You may well be
slightly concerned

that the water's not cold
like maybe it should be.

The tuliter valve
goes down in here.

As you just turn this...

Don't be concerned if,
for some reason,

the water turns pink.

This is normal.
This-this is kind of normal.

Son,

that's how you fix a toilet.

Cool.

Is that your stomach?

Nope.

I am so happy.

Ah.

Should I make it out
to Bob's Plumbing?

That speeding man right there
going down the highway

in a BMW.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Uh, Steven just wants to know

when you'll be done
with this episode.

Oh, uh, it's almost there.

Maybe, like, like, an hour.

- Okay, great.
- Cool.

By the way,
that video was hilarious.

What video?

You fixing the toilet.

We all watched it out there.

Never knew you were that funny.

What's she talking about?

Hello.

This is Ben.
Today, I'm-a teach you

how to fix a toilet.

Refresh.

Ah!

Ooh!

Yo,

- where we at?
- 46,625.

- This is crazy.
- Well, is this normal?

- I have no idea.
- It is when a video goes viral.

- So, you're not mad at me?
- I don't know.

What's up with this name,
Selfie Dad, anyway?

I was thinking maybe, like, uh,

Cool, Handsome, Tall,
Hilarious Dad.

I don't think it fits.

Okay, so, where we at?

- 50,009.
- Quick.

- Like, that quick.
- Wow.

It was just...
And now look where we at.

Oh, snap. Okay.

How many, uh,
how many prescribers we got?

- They're subscribers.
- Okay.

- How many of those do we have?
- 905.

- Where's Hannah?
- 905. She's upstairs.

Hannah!
Bring yourself downstairs!

We having a family meeting!

So, why are we having a meeting?

Hey, Jack, what's the numbers?

Just crossed the 90,000 mark.

That's why
we're doing this meeting.

What does that have to do
with us?

Like, we sh... What we got to do
is we need to make more videos.

"We"?

Don't you want to be in them?

Doing what?

Like you gonna be in that play.
Like, you-you could act.

- The play. What is it called again?
- Grease.

It's called Grease.

Oh, okay.
Anyway, Jack, where we at?

- 93,134.
- Yes.

You should be in charge
of our stats.

Heck no. I want to edit.

I edited this one.

You did, too.
How'd you learn how to do that?

- Oh, actually...
- And where did you get my phone from?

- Oh, you...
- Whatever, dude. Yeah.

- That's fine. You can edit.
- Yes!

And, sweetie...

I-I just want
your clothes to match.

Boom! You in charge of wardrobe.
It's perfect.

I love it. I don't know
if y'all can feel this.

Can you feel it?

The Marcuses are about
to take over UTOO.

Um... the computer's over here.

We should...

First of all,
this is completely ridiculous.

Richard's a good editor.

No, he's not you,
but he'll do fine.

Dude, we don't need
another editor.

Apparently, we do. You came
this close to missing deadline.

No, see, you don't understand.

My computer crashed, like,
a hundred times.

Oh, come on.

Plus, she gives me,
like, a million notes.

And at the end of that, she asks
me to do it all over again.

Never slowed you down before.

You know, you know
I get paid per episode.

Bruh, you're messing
with my money.

Hey, whoa, whoa. Can we have a
conversation about this, though?

- Is that okay?
- I'll be right there.

Look, it came from the network.

What do you want me to do?

Rosie's tough enough
when we're on schedule.

Dude, this is messed up.

Is it the UTOO stuff?

I saw you shot a couple
of videos here in the room.

Is that what's distracting you?

It was, like, two videos.
It took two seconds.

Sorry about that. Cue it up.

Dude, this is so wack.

Explain to me, what am I
supposed to do all week?

Ben, I've got work to do. I...

Fix a toilet.

Fix a toilet?
Okay, so here's the thing.

- I'm the editor for Richard.
- See you, Ben.

He probably broke the toilet.
This is wack, dude.

Why is
"abbreviation" such a long word?

Why is there no mirrors
in the self-checkout?

Can I call a white duck
a quacker?

I got friends who are white.

When a dog is
wearing clothes...

Mm.

- Hi, man.
- Hey.

Mickey. What's up, man? Almost
didn't see you there, man.

- Dude, you're really funny.
- Thanks, man.

Um, I used to be a comic.

What? No way.

- Yeah.
- That's awesome.

Yeah, um, but it's not anything

that keeps me
from my work around here.

I work really hard
around here, man.

Dude, I loved your videos.
Loved 'em, yeah.

I just had no idea
you were a comic.

Man, here's the crazy thing
about those videos, dude,

is I actually thought
the first one would be the one.

But everybody likes
the toilet video.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Dude, that one was great.

- They're all great.
- Dude, I love it, man.

Comedy?
It's where my heart is, man.

Yeah, I can tell, man.
Well, hey, man,

I subscribed, I shared it.

Dude. Yo, thanks, man.

I really appreciate that.

Yeah, for sure.
So if comedy's your thing,

dude, why aren't you out there
running with it?

It was my dad, man.

He was a comic.

Leonard Marcus.
You ever heard of him?

- Mm-mm.
- He was pretty funny, man.

He was a big drinker,
too, though,

just like his dad.

As soon as I turned, like,
18 years old,

I wanted to be just like him.

Yeah, so,
I started doing comedy.

My dad, man...

he's, like,
20 years into the game.

He books the biggest show ever...
and I kid you not...

he's on his way
to The Tonight Show.

He's at a red light...

and his heart explodes.

That's how they described it.

Dude. Man.

So I grieved for a while,

and then, you know,
I just get back at it, man.

I start hitting clubs.

And the club owners are like,

"Wow. Your dad was funny,
but you..."

Now they...
Like, they're calling me,

like, the next Damon Wayans,
Eddie Murphy.

Then I start meeting
these women, right?

They're, like,
in their 30s and 40s.

And they knew my pops.

Like, they really knew my pops.

They start showing me pictures
of them hanging out, man,

and then they'd show me pictures
of kids, man.

And they're telling me they're
my half brothers and sisters.

And I just...

I don't know what to do, man,
so I tell my moms.

That was a bad idea.

She falls into depression.

She just can't handle it, man,
and two years later...

...she takes her own life, yo.

Wow. That's... Wow.

Yeah.

After that, man, it was like...

like nothing was funny anymore,
you know?

I just quit, yo.

What? Comedy?

Yeah, that, too.

Yo, this is Ben.

Hi. Is this Selfie Dad?

Um, yeah, this is...
this is Selfie Dad.

Who's this?

Hey, I'm Laurie Swanson.

I manage content for a website
called LaughLoud.com.

Uh, well, first off,
we love you. You're hysterical.

Oh. Well, thank you...

uh, Laurie. Thank you. Wow.

Yeah. Look, we want to... we
wanted to get your permission

to embed that, uh...
the video, the toilet one?

How-how not to fix a toilet?

Uh, we'd like to embed it
onto our page,

and we'll put a link
back to yours.

Does that work?

Yes.

Yeah, absolutely.
That sounds great.

Laurie, let's do it. Yeah.

Yay! Thank you.
Thank you so much.

Look, we also want
to do an interview

with you at some point.

Do you have any other videos
in the works?

Yeah. We, um...
we absolutely do, for sure.

♪ Nobody knows my name ♪

♪ I've been losing
at this game ♪

♪ And the lie just seems
more lame from day to day ♪

♪ And it's all a crying shame
but I got to take the blame ♪

♪ I've been losing at this game
and nobody knows my name... ♪

Fix stuff.

'Cause I fix stuff,
and I do it funny, so...

Oh.

Boom.

Boom.

I'm Selfie Dad.

Remember how
I fixed the toilet?

Turns out, I could fix a car.

So, number one, first thing
you want to do...

need to have a car.

If you find yourself
on a bus for some reason,

this video is not
gonna help you.

So now, you got to get
into the garage.

Oh, man. I mean...

Oh, man.

We're gonna fix that next week.

So now,
we're gonna pop the hood.

We'll go ahead and pop it.
So easy. It's right here.

Oh.

♪ Ah... ♪

Nothing works better
than a little evil cat

made out of cement.
You set that there

so it'll have
the right gravitude.

I just... Aah!

That is how...

you fix... a car.

Hey! How you guys doing?
Where you been?

Hannah's play.

Hannah, listen,
your play... Grease.

I am so sorry.
I got all caught up at work.

- I was busy.
- It's cool. I'm okay.

Where were you?
I called you, like, five times.

- I know. Rosie was being impossible.
- You can't pick up

- the phone and call your wife?
- My phone was on silent,

there's producers in the room.

Like, what am I supposed to do?
I was gonna come right home

and then, phew, I was gonna
be at the play, but...

You posted another video?

I thought
you were gonna let me edit.

It just took, like, two seconds.

- I had to get it up, so, uh...
- Ben, can I

talk to you
in the other room, please?

Guilty. Guilty.
That's what I did.

I made a video
instead of seeing Hannah's play.

Guilty. Now what?

Jesse, please, listen.

I'm getting a second chance.

Please hear that.

"I want Rosie stuff on..."
I'm tired of it.

Hey. What's up, bruh?

What are you doing here?
Thought you had the week off.

Oh, uh, yeah, I'm just doing
some personal work, man.

Oh, dude, I shared your, uh,
car-fixing video.

Hilarious. How do you come up
with that stuff?

Just having fun, really, man.

The crazy part is,
it's those how-to videos

that really got popping,
and, uh,

I don't really know "how to."
You know?

- Works, man. I loved it.
- Crazy.

- Loved it.
- So what's up, man?

Oh, um, if you're not using it,

I'm supposed to install
Final Cut on your system.

All right, man. Let me get out
of your way here, bruh.

Cool.

Oh, before I forget,
here's the, uh...

here's that book
I was telling you about.

I think you'll really like it.

Oh. Yeah.

Thanks, man.

This looks like one
I actually haven't read yet.

You know?

Yeah.

- Thanks, man. Appreciate that.
- So, obviously,

you know, he starts
with why we need the Bible,

then offers some tips on,
you know, how to read it,

you know, how to get the most
out of it.

Oh, okay. Cool.

Hey, would it be okay if I wrote
about you for my paper?

What are you talking about?

Yeah, your story.

You know, how a guy goes from
where he was to where you are.

And I wouldn't use
your real name.

I'd just... I'd call you
"The Chainbreaker."

Chainbreak... What?

What are you talking about, man?

I mean, here you are,
this comic.

Parents weren't believers.

I'm guessing you didn't grow up

with a lot
of Christian role models.

Your dad was who he was.

You could have followed
in his footsteps in every way,

but you didn't. Why?

I don't know...

God's grace, man.

You go through all that, and
God just plucks you out of it.

And now, I mean, you're living
your... living your life,

raising your family
to love Jesus.

Dude, you broke the chain.

Look, Mickey,
here's the thing, man.

I just got to be real with you.

I think you're an awesome guy.

I mean, for real, at first,

I just thought you was one
of them Christian dudes,

like, an oversaved Christian.

Like, you only eat pizza
that's been delivered.

You only got sheets on your bed,

'cause you say
Jesus is your comforter.

That's funny.

- That was good.
- Here's my point, man. As far

as me breaking chains
and stuff, bruh...

...you just got the wrong dude.

Hmm.

Okay.

Ben. Hey, there you are.

Uh, listen,
Steven wants to see you.

Oh, okay.

You know, he's,

he's... he's always provided
for us.

But he's so extreme, I...

It's like he's an addict.

An addict?

Yeah, he acts like it.

Jesse, how much
do you pray for him?

Yeah, I-I...

Probably not as much
as I should.

Okay, not at all.

We can't change them.

And sometimes the harder we try,
the worse it makes things.

We need God.

And if we're not praying
for our husbands, who will?

Have you ever seen
the movie War Room?

I don't really like
Christian films.

- Just...
- Oh.

Hey, Carol.

- How you doing? Cool.
- I'm good, good, good.

- How's-how's Tom?
- Oh, he's good, good.

Listen, we're finishing here,

and I'll leave you family time.

No, no-no, you don't have
to go anywhere

'cause I'm-I'm,
I'm just gonna read the mail

'cause I got this mail,
so I'm just gonna read this

and stuff, so...

Okay.

It's gonna be good.

You, you guys are female.

I'm...

Okay, I'm gonna go.

Can we just pray
for him right now?

Right now.

Thank you.

Father,

I pray that You will help
Jesse to be gentle

and respectful toward Ben,
no matter what,

and I pray, Father,
that she will find her joy

in You.

Hey, Carol gone?

Yeah.

- Cool.
- Um, Ben, listen.

- I...
- You guys have a good talk?

- It was good, I just want to say that I...
- So, look.

I got something
I need to tell you.

Uh... ah...

I got fired,

but before you flip out,

hear me out.

Um, I've been running

- some numbers, and...
- You got fired?!

Whoa-whoa, don't, don't do
that thing where you flip out.

- From your job?!
- I did, yes.

Look, boom.

First video check.

Dad got fired?

I just... that's what I...
I just said that.

- I'm... I know it seems scary.
- This is for $43!

The pay period was like two days
into the toilet video.

The toilet video has gone kaboom
in a big way.

But I don't understand
how they can fire you.

So Dad did get fired?

I really don't care
what Rosie has to say.

- I know.
- You've won, like, every single award.

How crazy would it be
if I dropped a video a week?

Here comes your sister.

- I got fired.
- What is going on?

- Dad got fired.
- Yes, yes.

Yeah, absolutely,
Mickey, I get it.

Nobody likes being fired,
but, hey, you know...

Oh, yeah, and-and thanks,
man, for...

Oh, the book?

Yep, uh, yeah, I got that book
right here, for sure, man,

so thanks for that.

And, yes, text me,
call me anytime, man.

We'll absolutely stay in touch.

Okay. Yo, I appreciate you,
man, a lot.

So thanks a lot, man, yep.

Okay, bye.

Are you wearing that to church?

I-I'm not going to church.

I got a lot of stuff to do.
You guys go ahead.

Ben, did you buy more equipment?

It's not just any equipment.

It's Blackmagic.

My husband,

my beloved,
who I love and respect,

can you at least take a break

and come to church
with your family?

I'm gonna take a break.
Tell you what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna hook this up,
I'm gonna have Internet.

Maybe I'll just jump in
and watch online.

Yo no puedo creer.

Hello again,
this is Selfie Dad.

Today we're gonna be
hanging a light.

You want to make sure your
chains are equally set apart

and that you already have
the screw in place.

Put this on the screw,
making sure it's secure...

This is Selfie Dad,

and today I want to show you

how to clean up glass
before your wife comes home.

So, what can people
expect when they visit your page?

Well, first of all,

they can expect a new video
every Tuesday, right,

and if they like it, they should
probably tell their friends,

and if they don't like it, they
probably don't got no friends.

Please!

We are going to create
a lot of content.

No, I'm the one that's excited.

I just got
my first endorsement deal.

Cool.

If you want to fix it right...
gablow...

you need to get yourself
some Packer Tools...

tools for what you need to fix
and tools for life.

It is the Digital Media Awards.

It's gonna be the best one yet,
you guys.

The nominees this year are:
Lanie Basinger,

Ryan Kwan, Brian Perez,

aka Tuba Luba, and, of course,

- Ben Marcus, aka Selfie Dad.
- Oh, yes, I am the man, yes.

I don't see The Jamie Grace Show
in there.

It's fine, it's just a typo.

- Yes.
- So make sure you tune in on the 11th

to see who wins.
Aah!

The party's at Sophie's house...

well, her dad's house, but he's
traveling for work or something.

You should totally come.

I mean, I mean, her house is

only two blocks away
from my house.

I'll walk.

But you can pick me up
if you want.

And the winner

for Best New Comic...
as opposed to me.

You know,
I'm the best old comic.

Man, I started with the
Flintstones. Barney loved me.

Did my first two jokes
at the Last Supper.

Anyway, uh, for the winner
of UTOO's Best New Comic,

it is my man Ben Marcus,
Selfie Dad.

So, the company is Packer Tools.

- Yeah, man.
- Oh, man, see, that's sweet.

That's that butter right there.

You got to remember,
endorsements are key.

That's what I'm finding out.
So, how many you got?

Man, I got more endorsements

than Van Camp got
pork and beans.

You know what?
Last year they gave me

so much endorsement money,

when I went to deposit it
in the bank,

I was embarrassed.

Call my girl,
she'll give you 50% off.

Just tell her I sent you,
and... she's gonna love you.

Excuse me one second.

And the thing just blew up.
It kind of took off from there.

Yeah, next thing you know, boom,
and here we are today...

Hey, what's up?
I'm Ben.

Laurie Swanson, LaughLoud.com.

Oh, hey, right, yeah...

Congratulations.
I knew you'd win.

Thanks a lot. I really,
really appreciate that a lot.

This is Laurie...
she's an awesome interviewer,

yeah, and other things,
I'm sure.

So, where's Selfie Mom?

Yeah, she, she couldn't make it
tonight, unfortunately.

Aw.

Yeah.

Well, I wanted

to be a novelist like
Jane Austen, Margaret Mitchell.

Yeah, they're awesome,
they are, really.

You have no idea
who I'm talking about.

Oh, no, I do.

Um... Green Eggs and Ham?

- Yeah.
- Uh...

Same genre, right?

Not exactly.

Well, listen,
if you ever do read any of that,

uh, you want to make sure
you don't do it in a house

or with a mouse.

You know.

I'll try not to.

Okay, we definitely have to do
a follow-up interview.

Okay, yeah, okay, sure.

How about right now?

Now?

Yeah, why not?

I mean, are-are you staying
at the hotel?

'Cause I want to get out
of these clothes.

No!

I mean, are you in a hurry...

I mean, are you
in a hurry to leave?

I didn't mean it like that.

Oh, yeah, I know
you didn't mean that, I know.

Unless you wanted me to.

Oh.

Oh, hey, what?

Sorry.

I'm sorry, that was a, uh...

So, uh...

um... what were
we talking about?

I don't know.

You tell me.

Yeah.

Hey, maybe, maybe we should do
the interview another time.

Hey, you're awake.

What in the world?

I made your favorite.

It's not every day
that your husband wins

New Comic of the Year.

I've been such a tonto,
haven't I?

Yeah.

But so have I.

I should've been
more supportive.

And I love you.

We are celebrating, okay?

And... I am gonna
wake up Hannah,

'cause she loves my pancakes.

So...

how was your night?

Hey, listen, uh...

we're ahead on most
of our videos right now,

but, uh, pretty soon
we'll have to film some more

and, uh... I want you
to be the editor, okay?

You always say that.

But you kind of always lie.

I can't find her.

Hannah?

Wait, what do you mean?

Hannah?

It's your dad.

I need you to call me now,
please.

Hi, Mrs. Weissman,
it's Jesse Marcus.

I'm-I'm Hannah's mom.
Remember we met at the play?

Online, Facebook, all of that.

I thought maybe
there was some sort

of school activity or something.

I know she's not picking up.

I have a phone, too, okay?

I'm-a go find her.

So what did the police say?

They said that girls her age...

they run away with a...

a boy.

There's no boy.

Right?

Maybe.

I met him at her play.

But then they asked
for her dental records.

Is Hannah gone forever?

Do not even, don't think that.

She's-she's fine.

Everything's gonna be okay.

So what do we do?

We do what the police said.

We-we-we wait.

Carol and Tom

will be here in about
a half an hour.

I was just, uh...

hoping that...

I think we should pray.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay, um...

Okay, uh, Dear God, um...

I, uh...

I don't, I don't understand
what's going on.

I just, I just know

that You know.

You know where Hannah is.

Lord, and I'm praying that...

we're praying...

...that You will keep her safe,

that You bring her home.

Bring her home.

Amen.

Amen.

- Oh!
- Hannah!

Oh, my baby, oh, my baby!

Oh...

Have you done this before?

Y-Yes.

I'm usually back
before you get up.

The party went late.

And... I accidentally
fell asleep.

Hannah, you really scared us.

- I'm sorry.
- What was it, was it a boy?

Yes.

The one from the play?

Yeah.

But nothing happened, Dad.

Turns out...
he's a massive loser.

Am I grounded forever?

I don't know.

Talk about that later.

Hey, Mickey, what's up, man?

Aw, yeah, man, we're...

I'm good, man, I'm good.
How you doing?

So what...

what made you call right now?

Like... like, now.

I mean, she's sorry and...

everything's okay, but...

I feel like I don't
even know her.

And my son...

he thinks I'm a liar.

And he's right.

And my wife...

Let's just say I came

so close last night.

My bad, man, I shouldn't...

I don't mean to dump
all this stuff on you, man.

No, no, it's okay, really.

I guess I'm just not
the guy you think I am, man.

Look, man, I know you're...

You're a mess.

We're all a mess.

That's why we need Jesus.

I mean, He's the way,
He's-He's...

He's the only way.

Well, He's the way, man.
I just...

Look, God is, um...

Sometimes you can relate God
to a navigational system.

You put in the directions.

It says to go two blocks
and turn left,

but you go two blocks
and you turn right.

Now that doesn't
change the destination.

It just recalculates
what you need to do

to get there
from where you are now.

And if we keep making
the wrong turns,

you know, the roads,
they-they change.

They get rougher.

But that's where Jesus comes in.

The Jesus of the Bible.

Yeah, well...

I don't...

I don't even know
where I got off track.

Maybe... 'cause I wanted
to be noticed

or I wanted to be somebody.

Then I come home,

I see my family and I know,

like, I know what
they need is they,

they need for me to be, like...

a father who...

you know, and-and he's there...
no matter if he can't be.

Because if he moves
like he needs to,

and then they're eating and...

you know, he's supplying
the stuff, but he's...

nurture,
and I got to be that...

you know?

What I think
you're trying to say is...

you love your family.

- Right?
- Yeah.

Absolutely.

They know that.

But what if...

the greatest somebody
you can be...

is a man all in for God?

What if you dove
deeper into the Bible

than you ever have before?

Look, man, you're...

you're young, dude.

I got kids, my wife.

I can't afford to be sitting
around, reading the Bible.

See...

you have a wife
and kids and a family

and responsibilities.

You can't afford
not to read the Bible.

It got, it got awkward for us.

- Little bit, yeah, little bit.
- You staring at me and stuff.

You felt that? I felt it.

Look, man, break the chain
for good.

And give me something
good to write about.

I was looking for you.

Mickey leave?

Yeah, he left a while ago.

Hmm.

Did you guys have a good talk?

You know, we did.

He, uh...

he actually thinks that I should
dig into the Bible more

and, uh... get to know
the real Jesus.

You know what, here.

Turn, look at,
can you look at...?

Just turn this way?
Just... look at the wall.

Just... okay, cool.

The weird part is...

I actually want
to read the Bible more.

I thought you was gonna faint.

I just...

Is Hannah awake yet?

- Yeah.
- Okay.

Yeah?

Can I come in?

Sure.

Mom came in earlier,
asked me why I did it.

I told her I don't know.

Look, Hanns, I don't...

I don't even care
why you did it.

I'm... I'm just glad
that you didn't do,

you know, the thing that you,
that you didn't do.

What didn't I do?

The-the thing
that you didn't do.

That you, that you shouldn't do.

What? What didn't I do?

You know, the boy from the play.

Dad, he's a massive loser.

Yeah, you said that.

I'm sorry, just this is...

It's a little awkward talking
to my dad about this stuff.

It is.
I know I'm the last person

you want to talk to about this,
but it's just, Hanns,

what you did
was-was really dumb.

Look, I'd be lying

to you if I didn't tell you
when I was your age,

I didn't do the same thing.

There's nobody in this house

who's done more dumb things
than I have.

We could take away
your cell phone

and ground you...
we could do all sorts of things.

But I don't want
to do any of that.

I just want to have an open,
honest relationship.

There's no way I can ask you
to be a better daughter

if I'm not willing
to be a better father.

And I am.

I'm-a do my part.

All I ask is that...

Please, don't sneak out anymore.

♪ I know Your history ♪

♪ You are the one who sees ♪

♪ And You fix things ♪

♪ I've read it in a book ♪

♪ And I've heard it
from my friends that You ♪

♪ You fix things. ♪

It's one thing
to know the Bible.

But as you learn
the Word of God

by the power
of the Holy Spirit,

you're able to learn
to live in obedience to it.

First John chapter two
says this.

"Whoever says, 'I know Him, '

"but does not do
what He commands

is a liar, and the truth
is not in that person."

Okay. So, uh...

This book that Mickey gave me,
right?

It explains
that a good place to start

is, like, in First John.

Five chapters long.
You just read it for 30 days.

Then after that, what you do is
you move to the Gospel of John,

which is, like,
21 chapters long.

So, you read the first section,
30 days.

Next seven, 30 days.
Next seven, 30 days.

Go, after you do that, like,
with the New Testament,

it'll be, like,
two and a half years

before you're completely done.

But you will be beast.

Can I be done?

Jack, this is important.

I have a stomachache.

Oh, my gosh.

- You are such a liar.
- I am not.

I have homework to do.

- You're the liar.
- Really? You want

- to go upstairs and see my homework?
- Okay, chicos.

- Maybe that's enough for today.
- Yes.

Baby, I am so proud of you.

And I have never,
and I mean never...

been more attracted to you.

Maybe we should have the kids
go to bed early tonight.

Maybe they could take a nap
right now.

Yo, yo, yo.

It's been a while
since I made a video.

In fact, probably not since

you voted me
New Comic of the Year.

And now my new sponsor,
Packer Tools,

they're gonna make sure
that we cranking out the videos

and fixing a bunch of stuff.

We might fix
the Cleveland Browns.

The economy.
We might fix breakfast.

I got to show you the award.
I got to show this to you.

Boom.
I am in awe over this thing.

I don't know what could be
more important.

Actually, I do.

Hold on one second.

This right here
has changed the game.

Even now, I haven't read
the whole Bible.

I thought the Bible was a story
about a dude named Moses

who didn't want the frogs
to hit his people.

God sent, like, His son.

Mel Gibson was there, right?
He shared his passion.

And then they got together,
and it was like Lethal Weapon.

It's way, way, way greater
than that.

I fix stuff.

Long before I got here,

this world was broken.

And Jesus came to truly fix it.

And all I'm trying to do
is follow Him.

Everything's not perfect.

But I know
I got to be a better dad.

I got to be a better husband.

And some of these things,
I just can't fix

without some sort of direction.

And I'm finding it right here.

I'm Selfie Dad.

Hey. Who were you talking to?

I was actually doing a video.

Oh, I thought you had enough
videos for a couple weeks.

I do, but...

I just got inspired.

I mean...

Like, this one,
this one's gonna be different.

You gonna really like it.
It might actually lead

to more evenings like,
you know...

Okay.

So, what was, um,
what was so different about it?

Actually, you know what?
Jack should edit this one.

When's he get home?

Um, I pick him up at 3:00.

Oh, cool.

Okay, so, what's different
is the content matter.

Like...

You just wait. You'll see.

Looks good on you.

What?

Your smile.

Oh, Ben.

Dude, you fast.

You learned all this from watching videos?

- Pretty much.
- So,

- how is the secret video coming along?
- Don't look.

Okay, I won't look.

So, here's the thing.
It's almost done,

and this dude
is brilliant on this.

I am so proud of both of you.

Jack did the editing,
Hannah picked the title,

and Moms clicked "upload."

The way I see it, we just made
our first family video.

- Mmm. Mm-hmm.
- And, Hannah, listen.

I know you love performing,

like you did in the, uh...
You know, your play.

But, uh, in future videos,

I want you to act.

Hmm. Okay.

Um, are they all gonna be,

like, Bible videos?

Yeah.

Yeah, why not.

What in the world?

What in the world?

Are you sure?

Yeah, I'm sure. You should read
some of these comments.

Actually,
don't read the comments.

It's clear I got a lot of fans
that don't like Jesus.

Well, can you delete the video?

I don't really want
to delete the video.

- I mean, I kind of like the Jesus video.
- Well, Ben,

this is our income now, okay?

No, it's just, like,
this stuff is good.

It's Jesus.

Hey, this is Ben.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah, no. Yeah,
we were just talking about that.

Absolutely.

Yeah, I get it.
Oh, it makes sense.

Okay. Yeah, for sure.

All right, bye-bye.

We gonna delete the video.

That was Packer Tools,

and, uh,
they don't like Jesus, either.

So we got to get this thing...

Where's this at?

Okay.

- It's still not deleting.
- I know it's not deleting.

I'm-I'm trying to get this thing...

Why is it saying "system error"?

Well, why is it saying
"system error"?

- I don't...
- That's what I just asked.

- The same doggone question.
- Okay, but call somebody.

- Call who?
- I mean, I can try to reroute it.

But is it just this one video?

- Yes.
- The, uh, "Selfie Dad goes

- all in for the Bible?"
- Yes, that one. Yes.

That's great, man.
When'd you post it?

I don't know. Last night, dude.

You... This ain't...
This not funny.

No, I didn't mean that.
I mean, I think it's...

I just think it's really cool,
you know?

- Chainbreaker lives.
- Okay. Listen, dude,

the chainbreaker lives,
but my page

- is dying.
- What is a chainbreaker?

I don't know, just...
Come on, fix the thing, dude.

Call some server people
or something.

- You speak their language, right?
- Yeah, I can try,

but I don't know
if that's gonna...

Oh, wait, hold on.
I got it, I got it, I got it.

Yeah. Yes. Delete, delete.

- Delete.
- Okay, now... - Yes.

Okay. Whoa, whoa, whoa.
No, now go check and see...

See how many subscribers we got.
Refresh. Subscribers.

Oh, no.

So, yeah,
I heard it a hundred times

and acted the part,
but I wasn't saved.

Pretty much a jerk, actually.

I do not believe that.

Oh, no. No, it's true.

See, my mind was made up

that I wasn't that bad,
you know?

- I'm a good person.
- You are.

No, yeah.

Yeah, so,
I told that to my youth pastor,

and I'll never forget
what he said.

He said that if I took
all my thoughts...

the past day,

month, the year...
and projected it

onto a big screen for all
my friends and family to see,

would I still say
that I'm a good person?

And that was like...

That-that shut me up fast.

But it wasn't until I was 16

and I got in trouble

for stealing beer at a Walmart.

My mom picked me up
from the police station.

The whole car ride home,
I'm just thinking to myself,

"My dad's gonna kill me.

He's gonna kill me."

And when he gets home,
he tells me to get in the car.

And he takes me out for pizza.

We talk.

Then he takes me back
to that same Walmart...

...and he buys me an iPod.

Why would he buy you an iPod?

Because he wanted to teach me

something bigger than just,
you know, "don't steal."

He wanted to show me
that that...

That that's what
God's grace looks like.

That even when
I deserved punishment,

I got reward.

And I saw for the first time
that that's...

Well, that's what Jesus did.

He paid the ultimate price,

so I could be
with Him in Heaven.

I changed my life.

For good and...

five years later I felt
the call to full ministry

and that's what
I'm studying in school.

You are so amazing.

Thanks.

Hmm.

So...

So wack.

Here I come.

Hey, you should come with me
to check out the computer.

- What?
- Yeah.

I'm gonna go help.

No, no, no, you can help me

clean up.

Dude, I would think you
of all people

would appreciate the fact that

- I did a video about the Bible.
- Yeah.

I love it.

All right, but...
in all fairness to your fans,

you went from, like,
zero to 60 in one day.

What if your page dropping...

what if it's a test?

Test,
what are you talking about?

To see if you really believe

everything you're reading.

I mean, could God have
made your page double?

Could He have made it so you
could delete it right away?

Of course.

Look, man...

the more you're in His Word,

the more you're gonna have
to decide whether or not

you believe in Him
and trust Him.

But I still got
to make a living.

Look, totally.

He'll never leave you.

Take God at His Word
and that's...

and that's
God Himself talking to you.

Why are these people not asleep?

Go to sleep
and stop unsubscribing.

Ben, go to sleep.

Oh, no.

What are you doing?

Oh, nothing, I couldn't sleep.

Uh, I just was...

walking around, I guess, uh...

- Okay.
- Yeah.

You weren't...

you weren't checking up
on me, were you?

No, I wasn't checking on you.

'Cause why would I do that?

When, you know,
the guy from the play, he...

he's still a massive loser,
right?

Mm-hmm.

- Okay.
- Night.

Yeah, good night.

Hey, um...

You know what,
wait right there for a second.

Just-just one sec.
Just wait right there.

Got that for you.

What's this?

The book, it...

Mickey wanted you
to have it, so...

You can read it right now.

It's the middle
of the night, Dad.

Yeah, okay.

So, the morning.
You can read it in the morning.

- I can set your alarm, if you want me to.
- Mm-hmm.

Hey, listen, uh,

you know, Mickey's...

He's a little old for you.

Okay?

What are you talking about?

Well, I want you to know
that, uh,

he's the type of guy
who deserves someone like you.

Okay.

Hanns, one more thing.

One more thing. Uh...

I'm your dad,

and I want you to know

that I am hopelessly devoted
to you.

Of all the daughters
in the world,

you're the one that I want.

Mm-hmm.

Good night.

♪ You're the one that I want ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh. ♪

Okay. I'm-a pray.

So, numbers are down.

It's okay,
'cause I'm-a pray.

We're gonna work this out,

'cause I pray.

That's what I do.

I could fix, uh,

a garage door opener.

That's what I could do.
I could fix that.

Yep. I could fix that.

I could fix a hot water heater.

I'll make a video of fixing
the hot water heater.

'Cause I pray, and I'm praying.

I'm-a pray that Packer Tools
understands this.

I'm-a pray
that my numbers go back up.

And I'm-a pray, 'cause that's
what I'm doing right now.

Or am I?

'Cause it feels like I'm
in a garage talking to myself.

That's okay.

I'm...

Okay.

Hey, Ben, it's, uh,
Laurie with LaughLoud.

Just thought
I'd leave you a message.

I'd still love to interview you
about your big win.

I'll be in town
the week of the ninth.

So let me know
if you have any free time.

Also, not sure
if you got the photo I sent.

Hope you like red.

Hey.

Everything okay?

I'm good. Uh...

Selfie Dad
is gonna probably be fixing

a-a cell phone that's broken.

And I got to try to break it.

- It didn't work that time, but I'm-a get it.
- Okay.

Well, we're leaving. I thought
you'd want to say goodbye

- to the kids.
- Oh, yeah, I do.

I'm-a say goodbye...
say goodbye to 'em.

I'm-a go with you.

No, you-you should go
before I go.

Go before me.
That's what...

The Bible says that sometimes.

- So, if you... Yeah.
- Okay.

Okay.

Hey, buddy.

You're going to school today
and stuff,

so, uh, I just wanted to say,

you know, uh,
go hit it hard, okay?

Yeah. You, too.

You'd better.

'Cause you just dropped
two-fifths of your subscribers.

Fractions.

Hannah, come on.

Hey, Hanns.

So, uh, you know I gave you
that book last night?

I just... I think it's important
that you, um...

You're not gonna make any videos
without me, right?

Dude, you're my editor.

So cool.

What in the world is going on?

What I'm not gonna do is
I'm not...

I'm not gonna be my dad.

Laurie,

I've deleted your photo.

My family is too important.

And...

I love...

my wife.

Please do not...

contact me.

Gary, this is ridiculous.

You could've just called me
on the phone.

You got to slap me
with this junk.

Well, I don't have the money.

And even if I did,
we had a deal.

You could sue me.
You know what?

And I'm-a sue you
for-for trying to sue people

when you shouldn't be suing 'em
and stuff.

Gary.

Gary.

That was Gary.

They just...

they just canceled my deal.

Packer Tools.
They canceled it.

What?

Apparently, they don't like
religious content.

- Yeah, but you deleted the video.
- I know I deleted the video.

I'm just telling you
what they said.

No tenemos el dinero.

Ben, we don't have this money!

What are you doing?

What does it look
like I'm doing?

Well, I think we should,
uh, go talk about this.

What is there to talk about?

Packer Tools wants to play
this game? Well, fine.

Sweetheart, I don't think
you're in your right mindset.

You don't get it.

I am always
in the right mindset.

Ever since I was five years old,
I've been in the right mindset.

I just happened to have a dad

who didn't know
what he was doing.

And for 20 years,
that set me back.

But not anymore. And I'm
not gonna let this one mistake

keep this opportunity from me.

I'm in my right mindset.

In fact, let's do a video

so I can show you
I'm in my right mindset.

I-I don't know
what you're talking about.

Pick a topic.

Can we please go inside

and talk about this
for a minute?

Perfect. I probably wouldn't
have picked that one,

but that's what we're gonna do.

Hello. This is Selfie Dad.

And today I'm-a show you
how to go inside

and talk about it for a minute
with your wife.

First thing you want to do
is you need to have a wife.

Don't let her show you how much
you don't want to go inside.

'Cause who wants to go inside
anyway?

Okay, okay. Not that one.

Wait.

Hey, yo, Selfie Dad here.

And when your wife says,
"You want to go inside?"

you better watch out,
'cause you know what happens

when you go inside, right?

You end up going outside,

'cause she's a little loose
on the inside.

Uh-huh, I'm just, this is...
You know what?

'Cause I'm Selfie...

- Aah!
- Oh, my goodness!

Oh. Are you okay?

Yeah, I'm good.

- Well, can I...
- I'm good. No, no, I'm good.

What happened?

Aah! I'm-I'm good.

Packer Tools is junk!

Packer Tools
is junk!

Ooh, you don't like Jesus.

Well, you know what?
I hope Jesus don't like you.

Oh, you gonna tailgate me?

You gonna... Oh, yeah?

Well, you know what,
tailgate now, bruh.

How about that?

The poli... Really?

This is what we're doing
right now?

Probably Packer Tools police
or something.

Okay. First thing I need to do

is calm myself down.

I am getting pulled over
by the police.

Okay, make a... make a video,
that's what I'm-a do.

Make sure this angle
on this camera,

so they could see both of us.

I got to make a video
for two reasons.

One, 'cause I'm Selfie Dad.

Number two...

I need to make sure
things is safe.

When the police officer
rolls up,

make sure that you don't have
more bass than them.

Try to take all the bass
out your voice.

Hello, Officer.

Hello, Officer.

You need to put the hands
on the steering wheel,

or they're going
behind your back.

So we got to work this out.

Got to work this out. Okay.

Also, no immediate
eye contact. Mm-mm.

Only thing turning is
your eyeballs.

You just don't even move.
Here he come, here he come.

You're not bad. Breathe.

Afternoon, sir.

Hello, Officer.

H-Hello, Officer.

How are you?

Good.

Clocked you doing 81.

I'm gonna need to see
your license,

registration
and proof of insurance.

Ha-ha!

It's a...
I thought it was the po-lice.

It's the bro-lice.

We gonna be a'ight.

Ha-ha! What's up, dawg?

Hey, who your people?

License, registration,
proof of insurance.

We went to school together
or something, right?

No. No,
didn't go to school together.

Can I see your license, please?

I thought it was the...

It's not the bro-lice after all.

It's... Yeah.

Let me get it for you. Cool.

- You know, have you ever seen me before?
- No.

I haven't seen you before,

but I will when you give me
your license,

your registration
and proof of insurance.

I'm not gonna
keep saying it, sir.

All right,
calm yourself down, bruh.

Hey, I got a Selfie Dad mug.
You want a Selfie Dad mug?

- You drink coffee, right?
- Are you trying to bribe me, sir?

No, I know you like doughnuts.
I got some coffee or something.

- You get a mug... Okay, let me get it for you real quick.
- Hey, sir?

- Keep your hands on the steering wheel, please.
- I'm-a show you

- this thing real quick. What? What?
- Hey!

I'm gonna need you
to step out of the car.

- Aah! No!
- Hey!

Keep your hands
where I can see them.

Marcus. Your ride's here.

Rough day?

Uh, you could say that.

Hey, where's my car?

The impound lot.
I'll drive you.

So, now what, Mr. Miyagi?

I guess we just, uh...

need a big finish for my paper.

"Big finish for my paper"?

Dude, I don't know,

man, I just feel like I've blown
it one too many times, man,

and I...
probably gonna blow it again.

When your kids mess up,
do you ever stop loving them?

No, of course not.

You will always love them,
no matter what,

because that's
what a good father does.

And God is the perfect Father.

And when you're His child,
He loves you no matter what.

Give Him your whole life.
Confess your sins.

And if you feel
you went wrong with people,

confess it to them.

You study the Word
and know the Word,

and the more you live it out...

the more you're gonna find
that real thing

that you've been looking for.

What's that?

Peace.

I've been looking
at stuff online

that I shouldn't.

Oh.

And Rosie fired me,
but I really...

I probably deserved it.

The other night...

at the awards show...

So, there was
this lady named Laurie...

and nothing happened.

I know.
I saw the text she sent you.

That you texted her
that your family comes first.

And that she shouldn't
contact you anymore.

I prayed for you
that whole night.

Okay. Um...

Wow.

Um...

Okay, well,
there's one more thing.

You know when we go to Costco,
and I act like

I'm actually gonna buy
something from the samples?

I'm just...
I just want the samples.

I'm not gonna...

I-I forgive you for everything.

So delicious, the little...

Oh, oh!

Yeah.

That's why you're here?

Yeah, man, I just had to
get it off my chest.

I did a lot of personal stuff
on work time, so...

Oh, I heard you the first time.

I've just never known
anybody to admit that.

Anyway, I just wanted to say I'm
sorry and, you know, thank you.

I appreciate it.

Oh, wait.

This is yours.

I accepted it for you.

You know, Rosie never shuts up
about you now.

She chased Richard off,
and whoever I bring in,

she just compares them to you.

But I told her that you were on
to bigger and better things.

Am I right?

How'd it go?

What is that?

Uh, the number one
reality show editor.

My award-winning husband.

And... Steve offered me
my job back.

Are you serious?

Then, he goes to legal

and has them look at
my Packer contract.

All they can do is
stop future payments.

They can't ask for
any money in return.

Oh, wow.

Are you gonna... take your job?

Yeah.

But here is the craziest part.

Steve actually hinted that
they may have some interest

in doing a Selfie Dad TV show.

But here's the thing.

I'm cool with editing
or doing comedy or a TV show.

I only want to do
what God asks me to do.

And my family comes first,

'cause I know that's what
He wants.

So I'm good either way.

I'm good.

I mean... we're good.

You're home.
It's blowing up.

It's going bigger than
the toilet video.

You know what,
'cause I'm Selfie...

I can't believe you posted this.

- Aah!
- Oh, my goodness!

- It looked so real.
- Heh.

You know what, I'm a good actor.

You've got one-ninth
of your subscribers back.

You're not mad at me?

What, for posting this video?

Dude, nah.
Give me a hug, man.

Ow. Wait, dude. Hold on.

You know what...

This is awkward.

Oh, I love these orchids.

They will add such elegance
to your garden.

They always do.

And if you plant a white orchid,

that means forgiveness.

This is Rosie's Roses.

You keep planting,
and keep loving.

Thoughts?

Well, I've... I've seen better.

But at least you
got it in on time.

This time, I'm saying.

Yes. So, there's that.

Well, I can't think of anything

off the top of my head
right now.

Good. Great job.

Cool. Wait. Whoa, whoa,
before you go, hold on.

Uh, I got something for you.

Welcome back.

Men are so strange.

Yes, you're just...

Just-just there.

That's-that's what you do.

Oh, hush.

No, without a doubt,
the best part has been

getting to know you guys.

You are such a gem.

- We're gonna miss you, Mickey.
- Yeah.

Well, hey, I can still
come visit.

You know, maybe you guys can

make a trip up to Seattle
sometime.

Sounds good, man.

And, Hannah, maybe you and...
maybe you and your dad

could read that
little book together.

- We have been.
- Yeah, dude, I...

I owe you a lot, man.

Nah, you don't owe me.

And, hey, off the strength
of punching a wall,

Selfie Dad's back.

What are you gonna do
for your encore?

Yo, Selfie Dad here.

I'm excited to be back.

I'm excited to be doing
another video.

My hand's all good.

There's a hole in the wall
like this.

First of all, let me...
I want to apologize,

because before,
I was saying some stuff

to talk about the Bible.

You just want me to be funny,
so hey, if that's the case,

I'm not gonna mention
"the Bible" anymore.

I've decided that the best thing
for me to do

is to just, uh, call it...

call it the Word of God, yeah.

Anyway, I said I want
to apologize.

I didn't say I was gonna do it.

If you don't like me
talking about God's Word,

then, you know, your bad.
You know?

You don't gotta watch.
You can take it off...

What?! That's it?

Hey, what are you doing here?

I'm Selfie Daughter...
by the way.

Selfie Daughter.

Why don't you explain to them
why the Bible is so cool?

Then they would want to
keep watching,

and they might even want
to read the Bible.

All right, so I'm gonna
explain to you why.

Mainly because it is literally
God's Word.

He left an instruction booklet
for us.

Why do you think it's important?

Um, because I've seen how

God has changed my dad.

So, the reason why
the Bible is important

is because, before, I had this,
but I didn't even see it

until I opened up the Bible,

and then it opened me up.

So I'm in.

Are you?

Mubiru John from Uganda.

We're E58 Hiking Group...

And we're in!

We are the Gagnons.
We're in!

We're the Rolleys.
We live in Castaic. We're in!

- I'm all in.
- I'm in.

I'm in. I'm in.

♪ So I step to the edge
and I... ♪

We are all in!

We're all in.

- I'm in.
- I'm in.

- I'm in!
- We're in.

- I'm in.
- We're in!

- I'm in.
- I'm in.

- I'm in.
- ♪ I'm going all in... ♪

We're in.

I am in.

Totally in.

- I'm all in.
- I'm in.

My name's Linda, and I'm in.

We're the Shorts, and we're in.

I'm in. I'm all in.

The Word of God is alive.

- I'm in.
- We're in.

♪ Jesus, I freely give ♪

♪ As long as there's breath
in these lungs ♪

♪ I will live ♪

♪ With reckless abandon ♪

♪ My heart in Your hands ♪

♪ I surrender it all... ♪

- I'm in.
- I'm all in.

- I'm all in.
- We're in. - I'm in.

I'm in.

♪ The deep end ♪

♪ I'm going all in ♪

♪ I hear You calling. ♪

♪ Ooh... ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh ♪

All scripture
is breathed out by God.

Great peace have those
who love your law...

...and nothing can
make them stumble.

Your Word is a lamp to my feet,

and a light to my path.

For the Word of God
is living and active,

sharper than
any two-edged sword...

...piercing to the division
of soul and of spirit.

Man shall not live
by bread alone...

...but by every word that
proceeds from the mouth of God.

The grass withers
and the flowers fall,

but the Word of the Lord
endures forever.

1 Peter 1:24-25.

Yo, it's National
Bring Your Bible to School Day.

You want to make sure
you do that.

Make sure your kids do it.

Make sure everybody does it,

so they can be counted.

And speaking of counting,
the app don't count.

Like, you don't
just bring a app,

'cause that's just, like,
on your phone already.

Like, bring an actual Bible
to school

and then maybe crack it open.

And if you're not in school,

like if you already graduated,

don't just get a Bible
and show up,

'cause that stuff is creepy.

You just read the Bible
alone somewhere.

♪ Ooh... ♪

♪ I was calling out to You ♪

♪ And You said,
"I'm right here" ♪

♪ I'm right here ♪

♪ Oh, don't you know I'm here ♪

♪ No matter when I call ♪

♪ He tells me,
"I'm right here" ♪

♪ I'm right here ♪

♪ Oh, don't you know I'm here ♪

♪ No matter when I call ♪

♪ You tell me,
"I'm right here" ♪

- ♪ Yeah ♪
- ♪ Ooh... ♪

♪ I was sinking,
I was swimming ♪

♪ I was wondering
if You were here ♪

♪ It's getting dark
and in my heart ♪

♪ All that I can feel is fear ♪

♪ You told me that
You'd never, ever leave me ♪

♪ And I know that
You'd never, ever lie ♪

♪ But sometimes when You're
teaching me to trust You ♪

♪ It's too hard
to swallow all my pride ♪

♪ See, I was calling out
to You ♪

♪ And You said,
"I'm right here" ♪

♪ I'm right here ♪

♪ Oh, don't you know I'm here? ♪

♪ No matter when I call ♪

♪ He tells me,
"I'm right here" ♪

♪ I'm right here ♪

♪ Oh, don't you know I'm here? ♪

♪ No matter when I call ♪

♪ You tell me,
"I'm right here" ♪

- ♪ Ooh, ooh... ♪
- ♪ Mmm... ♪

That is so good.

That is his best video ever.
Wow.

The secret to all this is

having a fine blade

and a steady hand.

I'm sending this one
to my mom.

Subtitles by explosiveskull
www.OpenSubtitles.org