Original subtitles

Simon, I have big news.

Mia and I are officially in a relationship.

She's basically my favorite person to hang out with.

And my family loves her, too.

And I know what you're gonna ask me, so I'll save you the trouble.

The physical stuff is actually awesome.

Mia's lips are mad soft,

and she wears this lip gloss that tastes like blue raspberry,

which is my favorite flavor of Gatorade.

Not here.

There's too many people. Don't want to rub it in their faces.

Yeah, Simon. Everything's great. I don't know what I was so scared of.

The vagina.

Some of you have them.

Some of you have seen them,

and some of you have only heard stories.

You know, I have that same poster in my bedroom.

Don't test me today, Andrew. Okay? I'm intermittent fasting.

Uh, everybody, take a worksheet. Fill out all the parts.

And, uh, don't ask me how to spell Fallopian tube, because I don't know.

I guess you and Victor are probably doing a lot of sex ed these days, right?

Could you grow up, Andrew?

Sorry.

Just be over here. Working on my vagina.

What was that?

What do you mean?

Okay, fine.

Uh, it's just that Victor likes to take things slow.

Hmm. Like, really, really slow.

Wait, how far have you guys gone? We've kissed.

With tongue? Of course.

Okay. Our tongues have definitely... grazed.

Hmm. Is he a virgin?

I don't know. Probably.

But you're ready. I think so.

I definitely want to take things to the next level. Or any level.

We've kind of been stuck on the ground.

God, and I really like him. Mm.

Two virgins about to make passionate love.

It's like a Shakespeare movie.

Okay, so the first thing you need to do is just

send him a sexy message or two.

I'm just saying, sometimes you have to

show a guy that you're open to their advances.

Par example...

You posted that about yourself?

Yeah, but under my pseudonym: "Jackie St. Boon."

Okay, isn't that a little desperate?

I'm just throwing some chum in the water and waiting for the sharks to come.

Sorry, I just saw Jaws.

It's not as good at 47 Meters Down, but it's solid.

"Was I lovable once? Really?

"Was I ever lovable?

"I'm asking if you found me

"lovable at one stage?

"Well, I admit it is a teaser and you've done more than your bit already

for the time being, so just..." What on Earth?

I have no idea.

I think her husband was named Willy or something and trapped her in a box.

No, not the monologue. Mia.

"Just to know that you are there"

"I miss your muscular legs."

Holy cow, she wants you bad.

Shh!

What should I write back?

I don't know. Nobody's ever missed my legs before.

He thumbsed‐up my text.

Wait. That's what you wrote?

Let Mama Lake take it from here.

Lake, come on. Do not rush me. I am an artist.

There. Done. You're welcome.

Lake!

"But something tells me, do not..."

Whoa!

Looks like somebody's gonna be dancing the midnight macarena.

I don't think so. I think she just invited me to her house

with a whole bunch of emojis?

Either she's gonna be making you eggplant Parmesan,

or you're getting lucky this Friday.

"And do not overdo the bag..."

Latte art.

Remind you of anyone?

Steve Harvey?

It's Derek.

Oh! Yeah, I see it now.

Friday is our one year anniversary.

We're supposed to go see his friend's band downtown, but

I want to do something romantic for him.

Where'd you go for your first date?

We got spaghetti and meatballs at this corny Italian place.

The food was good,

but it ended up getting shut down by the health department.

God, I love meatballs. So ugly. So delicious.

Okay.

Maybe, I mean, this is a little cheesy,

but you could recreate your first date.

You could have your own Italian restaurant,

but just you and Derek.

I could do it here after we close.

Light some candles, put on some Italian accordion music.

Yeah.

Wow, Victor. Who knew you were such a romantic?

Mia is a lucky lady.

Yeah. She's the luckiest.

Okay, why'd you just do your uncomfortable scrunch face

when you said that?

Okay, I'm hanging out with Mia on Friday.

You don't sound excited.

I think Mia wants to take things to the next level,

and I'm... you know.

Oh.

You're a virgin.

That's fine. You've just gotta relax.

If I can have sex with girls, anybody can.

Wait, you‐But you're...

Gay?

I know.

This was back when I was figuring things out.

Turns out human sexuality is less of a straight line,

and more of a Cirque du Soleil show.

Long, confusing,

and full of sexy clowns.

Yep.

Ooh, girl, you are serving me up some sexy Professor McGonagall realness,

and I am here for it.

You mean I look like Maggie Smith?

Changing.

What? No! It's perfect! You look all hot and witchy.

Hmm. Why does my room smell like sunscreen?

Uh, that is a scented candle.

Feuille de Lavande by Diptyque.

Plus, I blasted your throw cushions with body spray just for good measure.

Hmm.

You know, it's totally okay to be nervous.

I mean, tonight's your first time. That's a really big deal.

I mean, it is your first time, right?

Oh, my God. I am your best friend.

Why didn't you tell me? You tell me everything.

Because it was a one‐time thing,

and it was too soon,

and awkward, and a total mistake.

Hmm. Yeah, I'm sorry I didn't tell you.

It's fine. I get it.

But who was it?

Just some random other counselor at camp.

Mm. Wow. Well, the most exciting thing that happened to me at summer camp

was when I accidentally bumped a beehive with my selfie stick.

But then they evacuated us to the Marriott. Mm, thank you, bees.

Well, don't you look like a man whose life's about to be forever changed

by the touch of a good woman.

Guess so.

What's that?

You've never played "Settlers of Catan"?

Oh, it's awesome. Me and my mom throw down every Friday night.

Sounds like fun. It is.

And not filled with a crippling pressure to perform.

Hey. Good luck tonight, buddy.

You're gonna do great. Thanks.

Hey, Felix. Uh, wait up.

Okay, relax. You look amazing.

And if Victor doesn't hook up with you,

I will.

Yeah, I really wish you'd stop offering that.

Twist. And not the cool M. Night Shyamalan kind.

Who's ready to take a journey

to the island of Catan?

Okay, but just, whatever is it, make it quick,

'cause I don't want to be late to the show.

Shh. Just stop talking, okay?

Okay. All right. Keep your eyes closed.

Okay.

Giving me major serial killer vibes right now.

Okay. You can open.

Welcome to "Trattoria di Benji."

Whoa.

And if you want to get a lot of points,

you need to make sure to upgrade your settlements,

your cities, and your roads.

All right. So, next...

Hey.

This is something a little unorthodox

I'm sorry about this.

I tried to shake him, but he didn't get the hint.

You look nice.

So each type of terrain produces a different resource.

So forests make lumber,

um, fields make grain, and of course, mountains, they make

ore.

If I...

Okay, this is the most bored I have ever been.

And I'm including that time you tricked me into listening to a podcast.

That would make it my tenth victory point,

and crown me King of Catan.

Ah. All right.

Who's ready to start playing?

Wait, we haven't started?

What have we been doing for the last 45 minutes?

A tutorial.

Okay. Uh, you guys start without me.

I'll come with.

Operation No Hanky‐Panky seems to be going pretty well,

don't you say? Yeah.

Hey, look, Felix, I appreciate you doing this,

but Mia's definitely pissed.

So? Let her be pissed.

All right? If you're not ready, you're not ready.

Your body, your choice.

Yeah, I, I think I'm gonna go and check on Mia.

All right. But don't take too long.

Don't know if I can trust myself around all these wheat cards.

Okay.

So, do you like it?

Spaghetti and meatballs, like we had on our first date. Remember?

Mm. Mm‐hmm. It's great.

But shouldn't we head to the show soon?

The opener are these two blind sisters

who do bluegrass covers of TLC songs. I mean, it's supposed to be awesome.

Oh, yeah? Yeah.

Sounds really cool, but I thought maybe we could skip the show tonight.

You know, since it's our first anniversary and everything.

Anniversary?

What, are we straight people now?

Oh. Sorry.

I didn't mean, like.

I just don't really know if I believe in all that stuff.

What stuff? Anniversaries?

Stuff that society tells us to want just 'cause straight people do.

Like, one of the best things about being gay is that

we don't have to conform to that hetero‐normative,

rom‐com bullshit that is dreamt up by corporations

to help sell greeting cards to morons.

Well

guess I'm one of those morons.

Hey.

I didn't mean.

I'm sorry. I

I'm a dick, and these meatballs are really great.

Yeah? Yeah.

Sorry.

Hey, do you think it would be cool if we caught the end of the show?

You know what? Yeah, you go ahead. I'll meet you there.

I gotta clean up first.

Okay.

Hey. You're the best.

Have a good time. Thank you.

Hey, Ty, I'm on my way.

Hey. Um... where's Mia?

In her bedroom. Being furious.

She planned this whole special night for the two of you.

And then you brought your weird friend and screwed it all up.

I just don't get it. Do you not like her?

Is there someone else? Are you gay? What is it?

I do like her.

'Kay. Well then, start acting like it.

Because this crap that you're pulling here tonight,

it's just cruel.

Oh, hey. I was about to come back downstairs.

Wanna watch Planet Earth with me?

Nope. I already ordered my Lyft.

Elang should be here in nine minutes.

You should probably go, too.

I don't think they'll be down for quite some time.

What the hell?

What? What happened? Is Elang okay? No. Look.

You, uh, you look amazing.

No, not the photo, idiot. The comments.

They called me a six. A six!

I am at least a low nine.

Well, you're a boy.

Tell me the truth.

Mm. What's my number?

N‐No. No way. I, I can't do that.

I

Okay, stop with the chivalry and just give me a number,

and do not tell me I'm a 10, because I totally won't believe you.

I

I think you deserve a guy who

who doesn't reduce you to a number.

Somebody like, um...

Like him.

Approximately 1/16th the size

I deserve to date a nub?

Okay, so he's not Brad Pitt.

And technically he doesn't have any eyes.

But angler fish are total romantics.

That fish only cares about one thing in the entire world.

Her.

He spends most of his life sniffing around the ocean

looking for his mate, and when he finally finds her,

you know what he does?

Tells her a long, boring story?

He bites her,

and releases this enzyme in his saliva

that fuses them together like superglue.

Then he dies, and becomes a part of her body,

and she swims away, never thinking about him again, but

he doesn't mind.

Because he got what he always wanted.

To be with her. Forever.

That's what you deserve, Lake.

A guy who would sacrifice everything,

because he knows that the only thing that matters in this entire world

is you.

You are so weird.

Um, do you wanna, um, sit down?

This hard wall is starting to hurt my head.

Uh, yeah. Yeah, sure. Uh.

I'm sorry. I just, I just need a minute.

Okay.

Hey. Sorry, I was just‐‐.

Okay, what's going on with you?

Is it me? Am I not attractive to you, or whatever?

No, no. Mia...

Look, you're beautiful.

You're like, one of the prettiest girls I've ever seen.

Then what is it?

What's wrong?

Truth is.

I'm

not ready.

I don't know. Maybe out here, sex isn't, like, a big deal, but

back where I'm from,

we're more old‐fashioned.

Victor, it's fine.

Why didn't you just tell me?

I didn't want you to think I was a loser.

I would never think you're a loser.

We can totally go slow.

It's getting pretty late. I should probably go.

Okay.

Uh, Victor?

There's nothing else, right?

No.

Dear Simon,

I really do like Mia,

but what if that isn't enough?

Okay.

How'd you get so good at this? YouTube.

Oh.

No. No hickeys.

No one can know about this. This has to stay our little secret.

Well, three can keep a secret if two of them are dead.

What?

Sorry. Benjamin Franklin quote. I, I won't tell anyone.

Yeah. No more talking. Okay.

Okay. Uh‐huh.

Hey, Victor. I know you really like Mia,

and you've been trying to figure out if you're attracted to her.

It sounds like tonight, you realized that you're not,

and that's okay.

But maybe it's time for you to really figure out what you want.

Before someone gets hurt.

What are you doing here?

I could ask you the same thing.

How did "Trattoria di Benji" go?

Fine.

So, how was your big date?

Not much to tell.

Working on your latte art? Yep.

I think I might actually be getting better.

Really? Mm‐hmm.

You wanna try?

Yeah. The trick is to pour quickly.

What do you want to make?

How about

a meatball?

So ugly, but so delicious.

Okay.

All right. Start there, and then pour it in the center.

That's it. There you go.

Yep. You got it. That looks like a meatball to me.