Original subtitles

(BELL RINGS)

BOY: Hey, check it out. Look at those two losers.

- GIRL: Hi, everyone, we're Connie... - GIRL #2: And Carla.

- (LAUGHING) - Nerds.

PA: Attention please. The yearbook committee

will meet today at 3:40 in the library.

- Good crowd. - Connie, are you sure we should?

Don't forget the harmony in the second verse, okay?

- Okay. - This is going to work, Carla.

- We just have to stick to my plan. - Right, the plan.

We're gonna be huge. Huge.

PA: All students registered for the planetarium

field trip should now be on the bus.

- (TAPE PLAYING "OKLAHOMA") - BOY: Get off the stage!

- (KIDS LAUGHING) - ♪ Oklahoma ♪

♪ Where the wind comes ♪ ♪ sweeping down the plain ♪

♪ - And the waving wheat ♪ ♪ - They're freaks. ♪

♪ Can sure smell sweet when the wind ♪ ♪ comes right behind the rain... ♪

♪ Oklahoma ♪

♪ Every night ♪ ♪ my honey lamb and I ♪

♪ We sit alone and talk ♪

♪ And watch a hawk ♪

♪ Makin' lazy circles ♪ ♪ in the sky ♪

♪ Oklahoma. ♪

(WOMAN OVER P.A.) United Airlines flight 539

to Minneapolis is now boarding at

- gate 31B. - (AIRPORT PA CHATTER)

♪ Jesus Christ ♪

♪ Superstar ♪

♪ Do you think you're ♪ ♪ what they say you are? ♪

♪ Papa, can you ♪ ♪ hear me? ♪

♪ Papa, ♪ ♪ are you near me? ♪

♪ Papa, how I miss you ♪

♪ Kissing me ♪

♪ Good night ♪

♪ Papa. ♪

- (BLOWS) - Thank you, you've been a great crowd.

All of you.

♪ Memory ♪

♪ All alone in the ♪ ♪ moonlight, I can smile... ♪

MAN: And the greatest thing about that car show is...

you can sit in any car you want for as long as you want.

Yeah, I remember that from last year.

Cut it out, Al.

You know, Carla, me and Al just got this new job.

- We're loading stuff in this warehouse. - That's great.

- What's your problem? - I'm trying to eat, okay?

What are you doing here anyway? I told you we broke up.

- Again? - Let's go, Carla.

- Where you going? - Mikey, the second show.

Yeah, Mikey, the second show. Have some respect...

Don't you realize we're in the presence of the great waitresses?

- Al, shut it. - No, you shut it, Connie.

You and that stupid show, you're like sad, you know?

After all these years, just face the fact

it's not going to happen and give up.

- What? - What's your problem?

What is wrong with you? Why can't you just be normal?

Al, I only have one life.

I want it to be a happy one. Let's get out of here.

Come on, Carla.

Carla, please.

Let's go.

You're a dreamer, Connie. Wake up.

I told you that layover from Madison would bring people in.

Connie, Carla!

We're gonna be able to pay you back soon, Frank.

We needed more wigs than we thought, and we have to do some advertising.

- Good show. - Oh.

- You girls are great. - (GIGGLES)

- I gotta go see about a delivery. - BOTH: Thanks, Frank.

Hey, Frank,

Rudy's looking for you.

Carla, dinner theater will be so in again.

Yeah, Debbie Reynolds definitely knew what she was doing.

- Debbie Reynolds... "Darling!" - Darling.

- Chins up, boobs out... - It's show time.

- Oh. - Oh, actually, the show's over, sorry.

- Come back in a month when the show will be huge. - Huge.

- We're Connie... - And Carla.

- Do you like musicals? - Stop talking, strange women.

I can tell by your lovely accent you're a visitor to this country... and welcome.

Where is fat man?

He has a gland problem.

(GASPING)

Where's Frank?

He just left, Rudy.

- Where does he park? - On the rooftop.

Tibor, let's go.

- (GASPS) - Nice to meet you, Connie, Carla.

(AIRPORT PA CHATTER)

- We gotta warn Frank. Let's go. - (GASPS)

- (GROANING) - The shipment is short... again.

FRANK: I didn't take anything, Rudy.

You were the only one who handled the transport. So now I have to kill ya.

- FRANK: No, don't! - Let's go get security.

- RUDY: I don't want to do it. - Look.

- RUDY: Where's the money? - (SCREAMS)

- How long has this been going on? - Just in time.

- (SOBBING) - How long?

Officer, look these guys are big time coke dealers.

You take me in, I'll tell you anything you want to know, okay?

I left the stuff at the lounge with some girls.

You just go ask for Connie and Carla, Connie and Carla.

(CHUCKLES)

- (GUNSHOT) - (BOTH SCREAMING)

Connie and Carla!

(YELPS)

(CONTINUING SCREAMING)

(GUNSHOT)

CARLA: Oh God, oh God, oh God...

- Carla, please, Carla... - (THUMPS)

(GASPS) Okay, why the throat?

I can't believe you actually...

Carla, calm down, your voice is giving me cramps.

- Those guys are going to kill us. - Carla, we're okay.

Oh my God, there they are!

(SCREAMS)

- (GUNSHOT) - Did I get 'em? Did I get 'em?

- They're still coming. - (GUNSHOTS)

- Please say where you're going. - We don't know, Ma.

We just realized we have to make a move for our careers.

- We're not in trouble or anything. - Connie, Carla!

Are you prostitutes?

- (GASPS) - We'll call you.

Okay.

- (SCREAMS) - What is that?

- What are you doing here? - Your moms called.

- Where were you going? - We're going away for a while.

Oh, I get it. Last week you supposedly break up with me,

now you pretend you're leavin' and bump-bump-a-da, I'm supposed to propose.

- You want us to marry you. - What are you talking about? We're not even pre-engaged.

Mikey, if you want to propose, I'm ready.

(SIGHS) Oh...

Mikey, don't get trapped. We been dating other girls anyway.

Yeah, we've been... What?

(GASPS)

Drive, Thelma, drive!

RUDY: What do you got?

Sputnik, you can't find two stupid women

who have my kilo and saw me blow someone's head off?

This is all that was there.

TIBOR: Business contacts.

"Old Town Dinner Theater, St. Louis."

Lincoln House Dinner Theater, Kansas City.

- "Balcony Dinner Theater..." - They've left town.

Wait, where's my work tote? Oh God.

(GASPS) I think you left it.

Great, now those guys know everything about us.

- You don't have our home address in there? - No, no.

(SIGHS) We should just go to the police.

A cop shot poor Frank.

Just let me think. I'm trying to make up a new plan.

Where can we go?

- New York? - New York?

- New York's too obvious. - Florida?

- Florida? - They can't hide.

We can't hide.

- We gotta go someplace where we can blend in. - Okay.

Somewhere where they'd never look for us, because there's no theater,

no musical theater, no dinner theater, no culture at all.

Los Angeles.

We could be LA girls now.

We should work out.

(LAUGHING)

- Good one. - Thank you.

Oh, oh.

I think I have a tissue. Here.

What's this?

I don't know.

(SCREAMS)

I can't see.

- (COUGHS) - Oh, it tastes really funny.

Don't inhale. Spit it out, stop breathing.

- Where'd you get that? - I didn't get it.

- Carla, it was in your bag. - (COUGHING)

(HONKS)

CARLA: We've been rehearsing a lot and he's got that new job.

What if he doesn't even have a new job?

What if he's found somebody else? That's it,

Mikey cheated 'cause I was working nights. It's not his fault.

It was that waitress at Dodo's Dinner.

She looks at him funny when she brings him his cheese melt.

"Hi, Mikey..." (MOCK GIGGLES, GAGS)

She makes me sick she's so sweet... so sweet like the devil in devil's food cake.

She makes me want to puke. She makes me want to vomit.

- It's okay, Carla, it's okay. - (SIGHS)

We deserve better though, that's for sure.

You know what? No more time for losers, Carla.

(SIGHS) Mm-hmm.

When one door closes, another door opens.

Yeah, life is like a patio door, you never know which side is going to be open.

Mm-hmm, and you walk into the glass.

("BORN TO BE WILD" PLAYING)

♪ Get your motor runnin' ♪

♪ Head out ♪ ♪ on the highway ♪

♪ Looking for adventure ♪

♪ And whatever comes ♪ ♪ our way ♪

♪ Yeah, darlin', ♪ ♪ go make it happen ♪

♪ Take the world ♪ ♪ in a love embrace ♪

♪ Fire all of your ♪ ♪ guns at once ♪

♪ And explode into space ♪

- (HONKING) - ♪ Born to be wild...

CARLA: They look friendly here.

- Ooh, I really like it here. - CONNIE: Yeah, me too.

- I got a good feeling about this. - Yeah?

- Yeah. - Me too.

- (GIGGLES) - Okay, it really feels safe here.

- (BANGS) - Oh, gunshot! Connie, they found us.

- We're gonna die! - Let me look, let me look.

(BANGS)

- (BANGS) - Oh, we're okay, we're okay.

- (JACKHAMMERING, BANGS) - (CHUCKLES)

(SIGHS) Oh, cute.

CONNIE: Don't bother, Carla. They're all just

Als and Mikeys with a tan.

No more boyfriends for us.

Oh, wait, backup, backup.

- CONNIE'S MOM: Where are you? Are you okay? - CARLA'S MOM: They're not okay.

- Are you eating? - Mom... We're eating!

What are you doing for money?

- I'm sure they've got jobs... - Yeah, as prostitutes.

TOUR GUIDE: I'd be hard-pressed to say I can't remember

a better looking group of tourists and I mean that.

I hope you're ready, 'cause today is the day

when all the stars are coming out.

So, keep your cameras ready, 'cause here we go.

- (POLICE SIREN) - Oh, look at that,

another celebrity getting arrested.

(LAUGHS) Kidding, I'm kidding.

- Okay, now... - Excuse me, sir.

- Could we please drive by Debbie Reynolds' house? - Oh yeah!

No, that's not on the tour.

- (GASPS) - Keep your eyes peeled both left and right...

- Sir, sir. - Because celebrities will just pop out at ya at any time.

CONNIE: Sir.

Hi, are there any dinner theaters in town?

Not in this decade.

- Now... - Sir, isn't there a place

- where we could sit for dinner and a show? - Yeah, my face!

MAN: Hey, it's Jeff,

I came by to see you again, but you're not home again.

But I'm bound to run into you sometime, right?

I'm gonna keep trying. So...

anyway, I can't wait to see you.

I will talk to you later.

- Thanks. - You're welcome.

(SIGHS) None of these jobs pay real money.

- I know. - I'll go make some calls.

Okay.

We'll find something.

We're the only salon in Los Angeles

that does the Hijiki Herbal Clay Wrap.

You have done wrapping before?

Oh, yeah, there's a ton of these salons in France.

Where we're from... (MIMICS FRENCH ACCENT) originally.

Oh, très bien.

You can finish it then.

Seal it tightly with ductile sheathing.

Right.

- Excuse me, Mrs. Morse. - Oh, sure.

Okay.

- Is that too tight? - No, no, this is good.

It'll help squish out all that water I've been retaining.

- 15 lbs. To go. - Mrs. Morse, you're thin.

- No, no, I'm not. - You are really.

No, no, no.

- Oh... - I can't even get my butt through this door.

- (RINGS) - Hello, the "I Hate My Body" Salon.

- May I help you? - (GIGGLES)

Hello? Hello? Hello?

- Oh, they're gone. - (LAUGHS)

(GASPS)

CONNIE: Mrs. Morse, are you okay?

The girl said it's the new look.

Straw hair and beige lipstick?

It's the new California look, right?

- Yeah, for dead Californians. - (GROANS)

Don't be sad, we can help you.

(GASPS)

(SIGHS) I love it.

(ALL LAUGH)

You're fired.

Now we don't have any money for rent.

This is so hard!

I miss Mikey and poor Frank is dead.

When they find us, we're dead too.

What are you doing?

- We need to get drunk. - What?

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

(DISCO MUSIC PLAYING)

(CHEERING)

(WHISTLES)

- MAN: Shake it, girls. - (WOLF WHISTLES)

♪ Shake your groove thing, ♪ ♪ shake your groove thing, ♪

♪ yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Show 'em ♪ ♪ how to do it now ♪

♪ Shake your groove thing, ♪ ♪ shake your groove thing ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Show 'em ♪ ♪ how to do it now ♪

♪ Show 'em how ♪ ♪ to do it now... ♪

- They sound great. - They're lip-synching.

♪ Bad enough ♪ ♪ to strut our stuff ♪

♪ The music gives us ♪ ♪ a chance... ♪

- Mary? - Yes, Mary?

Did you hear, they're moving their act to Vegas.

- Wow. - This is it.

If we could do our act here, I could die happy.

Can anyone audition?

Yes, I can. We're going to get the job.

Don't get your hopes up, sweetie, it's an audition.

We have to practice tomorrow.

Ooh, I know what we're going to wear... chickapow!

(CHEERING)

♪ We've got the rhythm ♪ ♪ tonight! ♪

(WHISPERS)

- Are you crazy? - Why not?

- Because we're women. - No one needs to know that.

No way, Connie, no way.

Ready? Smile.

Yeah?

(DEEPER VOICE) Mary, we heard you were looking for a new act.

That's right... Mr... Mary.

Doll, stop praying, you're looking at the second coming.

Sign in.

Go backstage, you're on last.

- God, I'm beautiful. - Where does he find that?

- Grab your tapes. - Here you go, girl.

- Tape, your tape. - Thank you.

Here, here, here, here.

- Go again, eh? - Thanks.

This isn't working.

All right, try this.

(DEEP VOICE) Girl, what you wearing, your prom dress?

(DEEP VOICE) Girl, what you wearing your prom dress for?

(SNAPS) Better?

- Mm-hmm. - What about our voices?

- Way too high to be guys. - See, this is going to lower the key.

(TAPE SQUEAKS)

Don't forget to adjust on the harmony.

- Okay. - Okay.

Carla, come on, throw your shoulders back... have some attitude.

It hurts. These tight tops make us so flat.

Right, we look just like them, except they have these.

There...

Al and Mikey were right, we are dreamers.

That audience is going to see straight through us.

- It could get ugly. - Carla, for one night we get to sing again.

Come on, chins up, boobs out, it's show time.

- Shazaam. - (LAUGHS)

(RECORDING PLAYING) ♪ It's just a jump ♪ ♪ to the left ♪

♪ Then a step ♪ ♪ to the right ♪

♪ With your hands ♪ ♪ on your hips ♪

♪ You bring your knees ♪ ♪ in tight ♪

♪ But it's the pelvic thrust ♪

♪ That really ♪ ♪ drives you insane ♪

♪ Let's do ♪ ♪ the Time Warp again. ♪

MAN: That's awful.

(SPARSE CLAPPING)

BAR MANAGER: How about a big...

hand for our very own

Peaches N' Cream?

That's enough hitting me with that duster.

- I loved it. - You were better than me.

All right, our next act is in town from... Winnipeg.

They're new, so be nice.

- You didn't tell him our real names? - I took care of it.

Please welcome Al and Mikey.

(PIANO MUSIC PLAYING)

Oh... "Cabaret," original.

Wait, it's Liza... again.

- I can't do it. - Yes, you can.

No...

(CROWD CHATTING)

♪ Maybe this time ♪

♪ I'll be lucky ♪

♪ Maybe this time ♪ ♪ he'll stay ♪

♪ Maybe this time ♪

♪ For the first time ♪

♪ Love won't hurry away... ♪

Is she singing?

Yes, he is.

♪ He will hold me fast ♪

♪ I'll be home ♪ ♪ at last ♪

♪ Not a loser anymore ♪

♪ Like the last time ♪

♪ And the time before ♪

♪ Everybody ♪

♪ Loves a winner ♪

♪ So nobody loved me ♪

♪ Lady Peaceful ♪

♪ Lady Happy ♪

♪ That's what ♪ ♪ I long to be ♪

♪ All the odds are ♪

♪ In my favor ♪

♪ Something's bound ♪ ♪ to begin ♪

♪ It's gotta happen ♪

♪ Happen sometime ♪

♪ Maybe this time ♪

♪ Maybe this time ♪

♪ I'll win. ♪

- Bravo. - (CHEERING)

Oh my God.

- (GIGGLES) - Thank you.

We're Connie...

And Carla.

Hit it.

(PIANO PLAYING)

♪ I'm just a girl ♪ ♪ who cain't say no ♪

♪ I'm in a turrible fix ♪

♪ I always say ♪ ♪ come on, let's go ♪

♪ Just when I oughta say... ♪

♪ Don't cry for me, ♪ ♪ Argentina ♪

♪ The truth is ♪ ♪ I never left you ♪

♪ All through ♪ ♪ my wild days ♪

♪ My mad existence ♪

♪ I kept my promise ♪

♪ Don't keep your distance ♪

♪ Have I said ♪ ♪ too much? ♪

♪ There's nothing more I can ♪ ♪ think of to say to you ♪

♪ But all you have to do ♪

♪ Is look at me to know ♪

♪ That every word ♪

♪ Is true ♪

ALL: ♪ Don't cry for me, ♪ ♪ Argentina ♪

♪ The truth is ♪ ♪ I never left you ♪

♪ All through my wild days ♪

♪ My mad existence ♪

♪ I kept my promise ♪

♪ Don't keep your distance. ♪

(CHEERING)

(CONNIE SQUEALING)

- What just happened? - Oh my God.

You guys, where the hell did you queens come from?

The "Evita" stuff made me tingle.

The "Evita" stuff made me tingle.

Wednesdays and Sundays... 200 a week.

300 a week and 10% of the door.

No way, okay, fine.

Congratulations, you guys were fabulous.

- Thanks. - Thank you.

Come on, Toto.

Having trouble making ends meet... not the first time.

May not be able to pay you that much.

- That's okay. - Yeah.

See you tomorrow, Connie and Carla.

Ooooh... they all know our real names.

Who cares? We're in! Oh my God, we're in.

Oh, Carla, we're in, we're in.

- Okay. - Okay.

CHORUS: ♪ You coax the blues ♪ ♪ right out of the horn ♪

♪ Mame ♪

♪ You charm the husk right ♪ ♪ off of the corn... ♪

- (PHONE RINGS) - ♪ Mame ♪

- ♪ You've got the banjos strummin'... ♪ - Hello.

RUDY: Tibor, what are you doing? Are they there?

No, Rudy, they're not here. Hey, what about tracing the license plate?

(MOCKS) What about tracing the license plate?

If you had written it down, idiot!

CARLA: ♪ You'll be lost ♪

♪ You'll be so so sorry ♪

♪ When I'm gone ♪

♪ Sleep and I shall soothe you ♪

♪ Calm you and anoint you ♪

♪ - Myrrh for your hot ♪ ♪ forehead - Oh ♪

♪ Then you'll feel ♪ ♪ everything's all right ♪

♪ Yes, everything's fine ♪

♪ Close your eyes, close ♪ ♪ your eyes and relax ♪

♪ Because everything's fine. ♪

(CHEERING)

- You've been great. - You've been real.

- Thank you. - Thanks.

You know...

it's hard to meet a guy in this town,

let alone in Nazareth.

Hey, Carla, I feel sorry for Mary Magdalene.

Oh, why is that, Connie?

She finally decides to mend her ways,

go on the straight path and she falls for this guy...

33 years old, still living with his mother,

who's never gonna accept a shiksa with a past for a daughter-in-law.

(ALL LAUGH)

I love it. I can finally say what I think.

I know. When we were doing the show in Chicago

and you would say, you know, dirty stuff,

I could feel the audience going,

"Oh no, don't do that. Where's my dessert?"

- But now, dressed like a guy... - We can say anything we want.

...but with LA men, the bulge in their pants is a cell phone.

(ALL LAUGHING)

All right, that's it. I have not seen you laugh once tonight.

Can you not see how fabulous we are?

I love the show.

Mary, that is scary, your face doesn't move when you talk.

Oh... botox.

Cow poison?

(GASPS) Oh, no.

How many of you deaden your wrinkles with that crap?

Hmm,

four, huh?

- Five. - Oh, come on, be honest.

(LAUGHING)

CONNIE: Yeah, mmm-hmm.

Boys and girls, God put us on this earth to have a laugh,

hence the term "laugh lines."

(DEEP LAUGH)

That's what it looks like. Do yourselves a favor,

let your eyes crinkle, let your skin wrinkle.

Our lines show that we've lived.

If he doesn't love you when you look like a map, tell him to hit the road.

(CHEERING)

Wow, good one.

What you got there, Carla?

Well, Connie, I do believe

it's time for "South Pacific" sing-along!

(CHEERING)

There you go, get it around your neck.

Come on people, get 'em on.

There you go.

- They're so much fun. - I wish I had the nerve to sing live.

I wish I had the nerve to be that good.

- We are such idiots. - Don't be mean to us,

just because you look fat in white.

I do... Look at how busy we're getting.

Are you guys thinking what I'm thinking?

- No more Spandex? - No, sweetie.

Well then, what honey?

If you can't lick 'em, join 'em.

- Who's getting licked? - (CHUCKLES)

- (PIANO MUSIC PLAYING) - (CHEERING)

♪ I'm gonna wash that man ♪ ♪ right outta my hair ♪

♪ I'm gonna wash that man ♪ ♪ right outta my hair ♪

♪ I'm gonna wash that man ♪ ♪ right outta my hair ♪

♪ And send him ♪ ♪ on his way ♪

(CHEERING)

♪ I'm gonna wave that man ♪ ♪ right outta my arms ♪

♪ I'm gonna wave that man ♪ ♪ right outta my arms ♪

♪ I'm gonna wave that man ♪ ♪ right outta my arms ♪

♪ And send him on his way. ♪

We are geniuses.

Do you know where the scissors are?

I think they're in the kitchen in the third drawer.

- Okay. - (KNOCKS)

I spy your little eye.

It's the bartender from downstairs.

- Hello? I can hear you. - CONNIE: Give me that. Put it on.

What's going on in there, you can't say hi?

CONNIE: The guacamole.

I can't hear them. Should we go?

- How're you doing? - What's going on?

- Welcome wagon. - We live on the top floor.

- Hi. - Hey.

Oh... dear, girlfriends need a decorator.

- Hi, I'm Paul. - I'm Brian. My stage name's "Patty Melt."

By day, I'm Robert. This is my roommate, Lee.

By night, we're a duo act Peaches N' Cream.

- I hate our name. - I think it's beautiful.

That's because you're the Peaches part, I'm N' Cream.

My name is N' Cream. What does it even mean?

- CARLA: That's really nice. - Fabulous.

Come, come on, come on, join us.

All queens rise.

O blessed Saint Mary of Drag Queens,

please grant your never humble servants

and our new friends with grace,

jewels and support hose.

- ALL: Gay-men. - Gay-men.

And bless me with a new name.

- Hello? - I don't even have a drag name.

- Why not? - What's up with that?

I'm new, so I can't name myself.

- You want N' Cream? - No, thanks.

- Rosemary Chicken. - Eh.

- Mary Queen of Shots? - Uh-uh.

- Estée Louder Harder Faster? - What?

- Ooh, can I borrow this? - Hey, hey, what time is it?

- 5:00-ish? - The show.

We have to shave... everything.

You're lucky to be paid to perform.

- Sorry? - Excuse me?

- What? - ALL: Perform.

There are very few paying drag gigs in this town.

I have to bartend at the Handlebar, and it's beneath me.

So, here it is.

Have you ever thought about adding a few fabulous friends to your show?

If you need choreography, I know fabulous dance steps.

- I'm great with wigs. - I can sew a dress in three hours.

I'll lend you my jewels.

Call us. We could use the buck.

- We'll give it some thought. - Great.

Excellent. Come on, you guys, let's go clean our apartment.

- For your brother? - You invited him over?

- Are you drunk? - A little.

Robert left home when was just 16.

- ROBERT: Brian! - I'm glad I don't have a straight brother.

Now, now, we mustn't be prejudiced, straights are people too.

Come on.

Look at all the people, Carla.

- (DOOR SLAMS) - (BOTH SCREAM)

♪ Don't tell me not to live, ♪ ♪ just sit and putter ♪

♪ Life's candy ♪ ♪ and the sun's a ball of butter ♪

♪ Don't bring around a cloud ♪ ♪ to rain on my parade ♪

♪ Don't tell me not to fly, ♪ ♪ I've simply got to ♪

♪ If someone takes a spill ♪ ♪ it's me and not you ♪

♪ Who told you you're allowed ♪ ♪ to rain on my parade? ♪

♪ I'm gonna live ♪ ♪ and live now ♪

♪ Get what I want, ♪ ♪ I know how ♪

♪ One roll ♪ ♪ for the whole shebang ♪

♪ One throw, that bell ♪ ♪ will go clang ♪

♪ Eye on the target ♪ ♪ and wham ♪

♪ One shot, one gunshot ♪ ♪ and bam! ♪

♪ Hey, Mr. Arnstein ♪

♪ - Here I am! ♪ - (CHEERING) ♪

♪ I'll march my band out ♪

♪ I'll beat my drum ♪

♪ And if I'm fanned out ♪

♪ Your turn at bat, sir ♪

♪ - At least I didn't fake it - ♪ ♪ Hat, sir, I guess I didn't make it ♪

♪ Get ready for me, love, ♪ ♪ 'cause I'm a comer ♪

♪ I've simply got to march, ♪ ♪ my heart's a drummer ♪

♪ Nobody, no, nobody ♪

♪ Is gonna ♪

♪ Rain on my ♪

♪ - Parade... ♪ ♪ - (CHEERING) ♪

CONNIE: Oh, shush.

Oh, all right.

Enough already.

Yeah, that's right. Yeah.

- That looks great. - I'm glamorizing our new look a bit.

I mean, under the lights, these could be great,

especially on turns.

- (BEADS CLATTERING) - Woo, these could be dangerous.

(LAUGHS) Yeah.

- Aw. - What?

It's just, it's great to see you happy.

Come on, admit it, you do love the show.

Yeah, it's a drag, pun intended.

Hey, my plan worked.

Yeah, I'm worried about how well known we're getting.

- Only in West Hollywood. - And I miss...

- Don't say Mikey. - Boys.

I miss boys who like to kiss girls.

Forget it, okay? Because we have no time for losers

and we can't blow our cover.

Are you there? I lost you.

Now I hear ya. Now I lost you.

Robert, are you all right?

Sure, I'm just going to go meet my brother

for the first time in 106 years.

- Did you have a fight? - ROBERT: No.

Look, I haven't had any contact with my family

in a long time...

My choice.

Six months ago, I get a little sentimental watching TV...

Hallmark commercials.

So I send my grandma a birthday card

with my return address label on it.

So then my brother starts coming around,

starts leaving me messages, "Hey, let's be brothers again."

- You don't want a brother? - (SIGHS)

He's just gonna hate me.

No, he won't.

Does he know you dress with style?

Yeah, I told him on the phone.

I figured I'd go without the ball gown,

just to ease him into things.

Let me see.

There you go. Blue is your best color.

Thanks, sweetie.

Well, this was a mistake.

(GROANS)

♪ You coax the blues ♪ ♪ right out of the horn ♪

♪ Mame ♪

♪ You charm the husk ♪ ♪ right off of the corn ♪

- ♪ Mame... ♪ - Hello, Rudy, it's Tibor.

- What do you got? - I'm in St. Louis. They're not here.

Hey, I'm down a kilo and I'm up two witnesses!

- Find them! - ♪ ...Since you brought Dixie back to Dixieland ♪

♪ You make the cotton ♪ ♪ easy to pick... ♪

- Oh, for God sake, what? - What?

What are you doing? Following me?

- Watching every move I make? - I'm not watching you.

I just thought it would be fun to hang out.

- Why? - Why not?

- Why? - Why not?

- Grow up. - You grow up.

- You grow up. - Make me.

At least do some shopping yourself.

Please.

- Mom likes irises too. - Save it for Dr. Phil.

Okay.

- Hi, Mrs. Phillips. - Hi, Mrs. Phillips.

Hello.

I thought it'd be nice to spend a beautiful Saturday...

Why this sudden interest in my after all this time?

For a long time, I couldn't find you, remember?

And I think I'm gonna marry someone.

And if that's gonna happen, I want you to be there.

Oh...

Come on, I need cheese.

- Are you sure? - Yeah, yeah.

- (PHONE RINGS) - Oh.

- That's my girlfriend. - Take it, I'll see if they're home.

(KNOCKS)

ROBERT: Bonjour, my filles...

c'est moi.

- Hello. - Sorry, sorry.

Ouvre la porte.

- Here, your hair. - I got it.

- Get your robe. - Take it with you.

- Get a robe, get a robe. - Here it is, take that.

I hear running.

- How're you doing? - What's going on?

Wow, good look. (CHUCKLES)

So how's it going with your brother?

Jeff!

I'll call you later.

Jeff, these are my girlfriends, the "Connie and Carla."

Hi, Jeff, welcome to the dollhouse. Want me to condition your hair?

No, I ran a cream rinse through it this morning, so I'm good.

So, I'll take a rain check.

(SNAPS)

You all work at the Handlebar too?

- Oh, yeah, we all work there. - Work?

Jeff, these broads have transformed that dive into a legit cabaret.

I wish I was in that show.

- Hint. - All right.

- Hint. - We heard you.

- Hint. - Back off.

All right, get out of my way.

Let's get out of here.

Oh, hello.

- Hi, I'm Brian, this is Paul and Lee. - I'm Robert's best friend.

- His what? - Best friend.

- He's also my roommate. - Come see my apartment.

- No, ours. - Down, girls, down.

Are you hungry? You like fish sticks?

I make them Filipino style. They taste just like chicken.

- (SIGHS) - Oh my God.

Oh, I like him.

I saw him before when were still girls.

He was standing out front. We had this moment, Carla.

- He was nice to me. - What are you talking about?

Right. Why would he ever be attracted to me?

- I'm a drag queen. - No...

- you can't blow our cover for some guy. - Oh, yeah, I know.

I know.

I know. (GROANS)

- Thanks. - Have a good show tonight.

Stanley, we want to add some friends to the act.

You got to get a food license and expand this place.

Here's my plan. We're adding more leg, you got to add legroom.

What would that cost?

I'll add up some figures.

Excuse me, I'll be back.

- What are you doing? - What?

This show is our destiny waiting to happen... dinner theater.

We can't expand. We'll get even more well known

and word will travel straight to those killers.

- They're not looking for drag queens. - How do you know?

They're serious, they have connections.

They haven't found us. They're not connected to this world.

- We're safe, we're drag queens. - You're a freak.

Yeah, and you're a freak with me.

♪ You coax the blues ♪ ♪ right out of the horn ♪

♪ Mame... ♪

TIBOR: No, no, yes, no, no, Rudy, I'm telling you,

I have seen almost everything on Broadway. They're not in it.

I saw "Gypsy" last night. They're not there.

I saw "Rent,"

which was surprising to be so poignant,

with a narrative added to by emotional performances

which bring the audiences into the story.

Intimate story? Intimate story, I got an intimate story.

- I'm gonna kill you if you don't... - Okay, okay, okay.

I have good news.

I got a ticket to the matinee of "Hairspray."

Hello?

LEE: Five, six, seven, eight.

And knee up and hands at your side. Chickapow.

Charleston, Charleston.

Downstage, do-si-do.

- Let it... - Ow.

- ROBERT: Carla! - What? He pushed me.

- I am a trained dancer. - Yeah, right.

Connie, Carla, move more like this. Hide all your masculinity.

- Chickapow. - No one fall on me this time, I'm delicate.

- All right, Crystal Decanter. - That's not my name.

- How about Patty, like me, Patty Cake? - No.

- Patty O'Furniture. - No.

- Patty Pooper. - No.

- (CHUCKLES) - Great, can we all please dance now?

What's this? Why do you wear a bra during the day?

Well, if you must know,

being in drag helps us practice our moves.

Good falsies. What do you use?

None of your beeswax.

They're really good. You should all have a feel.

- Supple. Good. - ROBERT: Oh, they are good.

Hmm.

- BRIAN: Back to work. - Okay then.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! No way! Put it back.

No. Whoa, I don't have this kind of money.

Stanley, here's my plan.

You only have to do 80% capacity,

you'll make it back within three months.

All you gotta to pay out now is the construction.

I got it all under control.

Sir? Hi, we've talked about this.

Yeah, the tables have to be this high, right? Right.

Why? Stanley, look at me.

I'm eating my surf-n-turf. Watching a terrific show.

Eating, watching. Dinner, theater. See, dinner theater?

Where do you think the TV dinner came from?

- Right, Carla? - Uh, yeah. This high.

Stanley? Come on.

ALL: Stanley?

ALL: Stanley.

- I'll get a loan from my mother. - (CHEERS)

(WHISTLES, CHEERING)

♪ Life is a cabaret, ♪ ♪ ol' chum ♪

♪ Only a cabaret, ♪ ♪ ol' chum ♪

♪ So come to ♪

♪ The cabaret. ♪

(CHEERS, APPLAUSE)

- BOTH: Whoa! - Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

- I should watch where I'm going. - That's okay, doll.

I'm Connie. I met you.

Oh, yeah.

I'm here to take Robert out for lunch.

Just... you know.

That's nice.

Well, he's my brother.

So... taking him out... taking him out to lunch.

- Well, you're nice. - You're nice, too.

I mean, uh... you know...

Hello! I'll be right down.

- What? - (SOFTLY) Aiyiyi.

I have to go to the show after lunch, so I dressed.

Is there a problem?

Jeff?

- You want to cancel? - No! No, no, no.

- I'll be right down. - Oh, boy.

Take him to the Tube around the corner.

The owner's one of us. People won't stare as much.

- Thank you. - Sure.

You like my garbage?

Um... a little bit.

Anything good in there?

Hey, sweetie.

- Robert. - Nails.

Nails.

♪ You coax the blues ♪ ♪ right out of the horn ♪

♪ Mame ♪

- ♪ You charm the husk right off of the corn ♪ - (PHONE RINGS)

- ♪ Mame ♪ - RUDY: Tibor!

- Mama's pizza. - Knock it off.

- You're telling me you found them, right? - No, not yet.

- Come on. - Maybe you put someone at Mexico border

- to search for their car? - That's a great idea.

I'll put somebody at the Canadian border and we can put...

(SINGING ALONG) ♪ You make the cotton easy to pick ♪

♪ Mame ♪

♪ You give my old ♪ ♪ mint julep a kick ♪

♪ Mame ♪

♪ You make the old magnolia tree blossom ♪ ♪ with the mention of your name ♪

♪ You make me ♪ ♪ feel alive again ♪

♪ You given me ♪ ♪ the drive again ♪

♪ To make the South ♪ ♪ alive again ♪

♪ Mame. ♪

- (GRUNTS) - Whoa, Nelly.

- You okay? - Yeah, are you okay?

Yeah, padding.

- Oh. - Yeah.

Robert's out having a manicure.

- Oh. - Mm-hmm.

- Here, here. - Oh.

- Want to come over? - What?

No, no, no, I have something...

I have some... I have a...

I got a prior commitment.

No problem.

(SIGHS)

Um...

you know, the other day when I said that you were nice?

I meant it, you are very nice.

I just meant it in a...

a friendly way.

I'm not gay.

- Neither am I. - What?

Nothing, it's complicated.

- I bet. - Mm-hmm.

- All right, all right. - Okay, good.

- All right, okay. - See ya.

Hey, do straight guys drink coffee?

- What do you do for a living? - How long you been a drag queen?

- Sorry. - I'm sorry, I just...

I've never...

known a cross-dressing person before.

- You know your brother. - Oh yeah... no...

- it's been a long time. - Yeah, it's hard.

It's hard, but I'm a bit of an optimist.

- Me too. - I'm stubborn. I don't give up.

I wasn't always in a successful show.

And I had this friend,

he told me to give up.

He called me a dreamer.

- That's not very nice. - Yeah.

Well...

(HUMMING)

- I got to go. - Okay.

I just want to know why you do it.

Why you like to dress up, you guys.

- Oh... - I'm sorry, that's personal.

No, that's okay.

It's kinda like this...

It's like dressing how you feel inside.

You know? You know what, Jeff?

I haven't known your brother for very long, but I think...

I mean, I think he's happy.

We've only got one life.

It's just strange that my brother's out getting a manicure.

- What, haven't you ever had one? - Oh God, no.

You live in LA. Everybody gets their...

- backs waxed, and things plucked... - I don't pluck.

I-I never... I've never been plucked...

And I don't do manicures.

- CONNIE: Relax your hand. - I'm relaxed.

Wait, look at it, it's like a claw.

Okay, I'm relaxed.

- Open. - No polish, though.

Deal.

And?

Nothing.

Oh come on, spill it.

Only because we're talking guy to guy.

- Right. - I've been seeing this woman.

- You got a girlfriend. - I'm going to propose.

We're at that stage where I should make a commitment, but...

I'm not really sure if we're right for one another.

She doesn't make me laugh.

You got to get out. You gotta pull the cord on that mission. Abort!

That could be me being afraid to take it to the next level.

I had this girlfriend once who told me I had issues about getting too close.

I stopped talking to her.

Have you told your girlfriend about Robert?

No.

- But you're going to? - Oh yeah.

No.

Maybe.

No.

I've really got to go now. This was fun.

I've never missed a day of work. I work all the time.

- Oh yeah. - But it's nice just to hang out.

Thanks for the manicure.

- Don't tell anybody. - Okay.

(SIGHS)

LEE: Aren't you nervous? How can you eat at a time like this?

I can't believe it! Hoy! Is there lipstick on my teeth?

- No. - Liar!

(LAUGHING) Let's go.

- Chickapow! - Chickapow!

Where were you today?

- Hm? - You were supposed to meet me.

I thought we were gonna go shopping.

You know, Carla, maybe we should watch our weight a little.

We practically need olive oil to grease the zippers on these costumes.

What?! Don't go all LA on me, Connie.

All these women come to our show and idolize us

because as men, we have better female self-esteem than they do.

Boy, you have some nerve.

- You all right? - No!

I was at that mall all day by myself, Connie.

People stared at me.

I felt naked.

I can't hide out like this much longer.

I need to get out of this closet!

- Well, you can't! - (SIGHS)

Come on, let's go.

A polar bear walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a..."

...beer." Bartender says,

"What's with big pause?"

And the polar bear says,

- "Always had 'em." - (CROWD GROANING)

- MAN: You suck! - You're outta here, Brad!

All right, well, please welcome...

Connie and Carla and the Belles of the Balls!

(CHEERING)

("LET ME ENTERTAIN YOU" PLAYING)

♪ Let me ♪

♪ Entertain you ♪

♪ Let me make you smile ♪

♪ Let me do a few tricks, some ♪ ♪ old and then some new tricks ♪

♪ I'm very versatile ♪

♪ And if you're real good, ♪ ♪ I'll make you feel good ♪

♪ I want your spirits ♪ ♪ to climb ♪

♪ So let me ♪

♪ Entertain you ♪

♪ And we'll have ♪ ♪ a real good time, yes, sir ♪

♪ We'll have ♪ ♪ a real good time. ♪

(CHEERING)

Ladies and gentlemen, good evening.

Welcome to the show.

- Aren't we all divine? - (CHEERS)

- Here's the show we have planned for you tonight. - Wait, wait, stop!

I have an announcement to make.

- It's time you all knew. - (SOFTLY) Carla, don't.

I...

am...

an eater!

(CHEERS)

That's right, ladies and gentlemen,

and soon we're gonna be a full-service dinner theater.

This is what America needs...

To eat and watch a show where real women are real women.

- (CHEERS) - If you're naturally slim, fine, okay,

but come on! Starving ourselves to get thin?

No hips, no breasts, until we look just like little boys.

Girlfriends, big or small,

thin or fat, worship that body!

It's the only one you've got.

(CHEERING)

Hit it!

♪ So ♪

♪ Let me entertain you ♪

♪ And we'll have ♪ ♪ a real good time, yes, sir ♪

♪ We'll have ♪

♪ - A real good... ♪ ♪ - A real good time! ♪

Good night, Stanley.

- Ow! - (GRUNTS)

- (CHUCKLES) - JEFF: Oy...

(CHUCKLING) Oh man...

Here you go.

Thank you.

Cotton absorbs.

Uh...

I'm surprised they don't market it like that.

Mm-hmm...

(SPITS)

I-I'm looking for Robert.

His cell phone is off. Uh, is he in there?

No, she's gone. You missed our show.

I'm not ready to see that yet... No offense about your job.

None taken. I'm not itching to come and watch you flip burgers.

I'm a financial advisor.

Of course. I can smell the stress on you.

I'm not as uptight as you think I am.

Yes, you are.

- (LOUD MUSIC PLAYING) - (CHATTERING)

Hey, bartender! I'm thirsty!

Hey, why are you...

Why are you different when you're away from the other drag queens?

- What do you mean? - It's like there's some kind of

drag queen code of behavior or something, you know,

it's like...

"Stripes? Mary, Holy Martha Stewart's Prison Collection!"

I-I-I got three words for you, Miss Thing.

No, no, no and...

"Four words... yesterday!"

- (LAUGHING) - That's ridiculous! What is that?

What... what... What was that?

Oh please, don't make me do it again, I think I pulled something.

I wanna figure it out. I really do. I mean, are you...

What's the thrill? Are you hiding?

- Actually, I am hiding. - Yeah?

Some murderers are after me, and I'm hiding out as a drag queen.

Really, really. I'm asking you really. I'd like to know.

I wanna figure this whole thing out. I mean...

Is this the real you? Or are you...

Playing dress-up?

Do you understand? Are you playing dress-up?

Or is this the real you?

I don't think you could handle the real me.

You'd be all, "Oh, I want my mommy!"

(BOTH LAUGH)

- Uh-uh. - It's true.

So a real woman doesn't scare you?

No! But, Connie, you're not...

- a real woman. - Oh, you'd be surprised, baby.

I know your type. You like uptight girls.

That is not true. That is so not true.

- Really? - Yeah.

Am I your type?

- Sure. Yeah. - You think I'm attractive?

Connie, I've never seen you out of drag, but...

I have to say that as a broad, you're a real looker.

Ah. (LAUGHS)

Can I get another one please?

(GAGS)

TIBOR: I have been to dinner theaters in Idaho, to cabarets in Kansas...

I have watched every show in this whole country.

Connie and Carla have disappeared.

AL: You're just mad because Connie didn't call you.

Get it through that chunk-a-head of yours:

Connie and Carla... They're gone!

RUDY: Hey!

Sorry, Mr. Rudy.

Who are you?

I'm Al. I'm new.

What's your problem, Al?

Mikey. His girlfriend took off on him and...

th-that's all.

I love a good story.

So... where are Connie and Carla?

Ah, we don't know.

But Mikey says he got a hang-up call last night.

Caller-ID said area code 323.

- Los Angeles. - Oh.

What a story.

Listen, you guys are useless to me here like this.

What I want you to do is I want you to go out there,

and I want you to find your girls.

- (CHUCKLES) Are you serious? - And when you do,

call me.

(CHUCKLES)

- Why? - I gotta know how it ends.

(CHUCKLES) Mr. Rudy...

oh, thank you. Thanks.

Follow that idiot.

Uh... I already saw you.

Hello? I...

Hey!

- Wait! - Look, I'm not...

- I know you're not. It was a mistake. - A big mistake.

- Can't we be friends? - No. No, we can't.

I mean, I-I... I don't have time for this.

This whole thing, okay? It's not normal.

Don't you think it's weird, Mr. Rudy giving us this cash to come out?

- He cares about me. - Since when?

- I'm not sure. - There's some things about Mr. Rudy

that might surprise you. I heard some stuff.

- What did I do? - Did you find a map?

- (HORN HONKS) - Want a ride?

You missed rehearsal this morning.

Ugh, Carla, please.

I just got dumped.

What are you talking about?

How could I not know? What, the straight guy?

Yeah, but he thinks I'm a guy, so it's over before it even started.

Isn't that Jeff?

Oh yeah, that's interesting.

(ENGINE SHUTS OFF)

- It's Jeff? Are you crazy? - Why the throat?!

- You must be out of your mind! - Your knee is in my coochie!

- Get off! - Are you sick?

Do you have a death wish? Why would you take a chance on exposing us?

He'll talk about it to Robert. She'll talk.

People will talk! Then those guys will find and kill us.

Your voice is giving me mono! Nothing happened! Back off!

(GASPS)

You yelled at me.

We're fighting. We never fight. What's happening to us?

We're having a nervous breakdown.

Maybe we're having a delayed reaction

- to the trauma of being shot at, like those guys in 'Nam. - You can't say "'Nam."

You weren't in "'Nam"! You have to call it Vietnam!

Shut up! I can call it what I want.

Oh God, I kissed Jeff, I kissed Jeff

and I want to kiss him again without my wig!

You can't, Connie! You can't!

- You did? - Just my luck.

I meet the guy of my dreams and he's straight.

Look at us! We're ridiculous. I can't do this anymore.

Shut up, Connie! We're in this because of you.

It was your idea to borrow money for new costumes even though you knew Frank was a gangster.

So because of you, we saw him get killed.

And then we... yes we... Got shot at.

Shot at with real guns. And that white powder? That was cocaine.

You got us mixed up with some real criminals... murderers.

And it was your stupid idea to be drag queens and now we're in hiding for life

as women dressed as men dressed as women, so shut up! Shut up! Shut up!

I...

You've been weird.

Cut it out.

Okay.

I'm sorry.

BRIAN: Girls, we need help!

- Girls! Open the door! - (BANGING)

- Peaches and Jeff are fighting. Come on! - Let's go quick!

You won't even go inside.

You won't dare to look at the show.

I've asked you and asked you. You won't do it.

Robert, I have invested days and energy in this relationship. I'm trying.

But you gotta give me a break.

It's hard for me to see you like this.

You can't pick and choose the parts of me...

that don't make you sick to your stomach.

You can't have half a relationship with me, Jeff.

Jeff?

JEFF: Oh my God.

What are you... What are you doing here?

- It's not what you think... - Jeff, I can see that.

- So this is what you've been up to? - No...

Sneaking around when you said you were working?

(WHISPERS) That's his girlfriend.

- I thought you were seeing other women. - No, Mary.

Her name is Mary.

Jeff?

Introduce me to your girlfriend.

Mary...

this is Robert...

my brother.

- Oh... - CONNIE: Okay...

we're gonna give you guys some privacy.

Jeff, they're freaks.

(HUFFS)

(SIGHS)

She's fine, he's fine, everything's all right. Let's leave her alone.

- Maybe a glass of water. - My heart's pounding.

I thought she was gonna kill that girl.

The one who should watch out is that Jeff.

I'm going to knock him into next week, I swear to God.

(CONNIE SIGHS)

(SIGHS)

Ouch, you know?

Yeah.

Christ.

Let's eat.

(LAUGHING)

And he wouldn't stop asking me questions.

It was like I was Professor Cross-Dresser.

Like he says, "Why are you called drag queens?"

Nobody's being dragged. You're not dragging anything."

- It comes from Shakespeare. - Really?

Yeah, he'd write so-and-so enters

and in the margin, he'd put the initials D-R-A-G...

So-and-so enters dressed as a girl.

Drag, okay, Shakespeare,

- how about "Ophelia Up"? - No.

- (CHUCKLES) - Wanda DeCountryside?

- It's not me. - Devoida Talent?

- Stop it - (LAUGHING)

BRIAN: I like Wanda DeCountryside.

What are you looking here for? That's your side.

- Turn around, look over there. - (CHATTERING)

Come by later if you want to talk.

Oh, sweetie, I am all talked out.

Hey? Hey, hey, hey, hey.

- You okay? - Yeah, I got guy problems.

Oh, sweetie.

Come on.

Welcome to "What's Up, LA?"

A dinner theater that's full of drag queens?

- Holy stockings! Gorgeous... - ...ice cream sundae.

- Connie and Carla. - (GASPS)

There you are. If you could spare us five minutes...

- (SCREAMING) - Tell how you've become such a big hit

in West Hollywood. Just tell us something.

Don't be shy, you've made a big splash.

- It's just a local station. - Our viewers are dying to know you.

- Okay. - Connie and Carla, what makes you the best drag queens ever?

(SNAPS) Honey, we do our own singing.

No lip-synching for us, toots.

We do all your favorite show tunes wrapped in a delicious dinner.

That was a big mistake.

We've been flirting with disaster since we went on stage.

- Carla! Connie. - (SCREAMS)

- What are you doing here? - What's going on?

- How did you find us? - How come you're a guy now?

Connie, I think a lot of people just saw that.

But it's local news, there's no way that Russian or Rudy guy saw it.

- Mr. Rudy, our boss. - You work for Rudy?

- He sent us to find you. - (SCREAMS)

- Why? What the hell? - Tell Rudy we want to live.

We're not going to tell anybody he killed poor Frank.

- Wait, he killed Frank? - Yeah.

- You should listen to the guys. - We saw him kill Frank.

- To death. - What happened?

Rudy knows you're in LA. We've got to get out of town.

We can't, the official opening is tomorrow night.

We can't let everybody down, they're depending on us.

- We can't do that to Stanley. - Why'd you cheat on me, Mikey?

I didn't, Carla, ever.

Al just made that up 'cause he was mad at Connie.

Come on, Carla, don't go be a guy.

You don't understand, Mikey, I like doing the show.

I'm good at it. I like being Carla and Connie.

- "Connie and Carla." - How come your name's always first?

- It sounds better. - This is serious.

- We know. - So, let's go already.

I need time to think. Your voice is giving me shingles.

We need time. Connie's gonna make a plan.

- I'm gonna make a plan. - She's gonna make a plan.

Fine, call us at this motel, room 209, first thing in the morning.

- Want to stay over? - Yeah...

- Carla, let's go. - Call me.

- Connie, miss me? Yeah, you did. - CONNIE: No.

Rudy, I find them.

(KNOCKS)

- I'm an ass. - (SCOFFS)

I should've seen your show and told my girlfriend about you.

I should have just loved you and accepted you

and been okay with the fact that you wear dresses.

I'm sorry, Robbie.

It's just that when you left home it was hard on me.

I was 12 years old. I wake up one morning, you're just gone.

- You didn't call me, you never even wrote to me. - I got kicked out.

- What? No... - Mom and Dad kicked me out.

They found my bra.

You thought I left?

- Yeah... - (SIGHS)

Whatever happened,

Mom regrets it.

- She does? - Oh, yeah. Dad too.

- (SCOFFS) - (CHUCKLES)

No, they want to see you.

Jeff, for the first time in my life I like who I am.

Forget it.

I just... I don't know.

I want to be part of your life.

I'll say hi to Mom and Dad for you.

- And Grandma too. - Okay.

Oh and, Jeff, just a heads up,

my roommate, N' Cream

is on a tear to kick your ass.

N' Cream, the...? Oh, the little...

Yeah, the...

- Tell him to bring it. - Make a joke, I warned you.

- Thanks for the warning. - Go, go, go.

(KNOCKS)

- Hi. - Hi.

- Robert's not here. - I know, I just came from up there.

- Uh-huh. - About the other night, I wanted to...

Yeah. How's Mary?

We talked about things for hours.

It's not good, I mean the relationship, it's...

We broke up.

Oh...

I wanted to apologize to you.

You're not freaks, you're not a freak.

I hated seeing you hurt.

Thanks, Jeff.

I have fun when I'm with you... all of you.

- It's just, I'm not... - I know, you told me.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

- Bye. - Bye.

MAN: Good morning, LA.

Looking at the freeways, three cars

have gotten together on the 101 at Winnetka...

Mikey, Connie and Carla will call.

I know.

- WOMAN: Sahara Motel. - Hi, room 209.

- I'll connect you. - (PHONE RINGS)

- Hello? - Hi, Al.

- Connie. - We're coming...

- Rudy's on his way. - What?

- He's gonna kill us all. We gotta get out of here. - Okay, bye.

Mikey talked to a guy from work. Rudy's on his way to LA. We've got to go.

No.

Carla, we're going to die.

I'm so sorry for dragging you into this mess.

I love this mess.

Thank you for dragging me... Pun intended.

Who says they're gonna find us in this big city?

Would they be looking for a couple of queens?

HERE'S MY PLAN: We launch the show. We stay for one night.

The audience sees how great the guys are and they come back,

- and Stanley doesn't lose any money. - That's a good plan.

I know.

(LAUGHS)

One night.

One last show.

- Okay? - Okay.

I've been thinking, we should have the guys enter

from the back of the house on "Good Morning, Starshine."

WOMAN: Oh honey, if you're gonna enter from the house,

you've gotta do it on "76 Trombones."

- (BOTH SCREAM) - Debbie Reynolds!

(BOTH) Hi, hi, hi.

Hello there, hello there.

Somebody put a letter in my mailbox.

I found your house on the star map.

You know you've got a pretty hot idea here... a dinner theater.

- Oh. - Will you please be in our show?

Will you? We open tonight, so there's not a lot of time to rehearse.

Oh, honey, I've got sheet music and gorgeous gowns

and a good underwire bra. I could go on now.

(BOTH SQUEAL, LAUGH)

So chins up, boobs out, it's show time.

(SCREAMS)

(HONKS)

(APPLAUSE)

Thank you.

Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to welcome you

to the official opening of Stanley's Dinner Theater...

We love you, Stanley.

Thank you.

And now please say hello to the Belles of the Balls

and the one, the only Connie and Carla!

- Oh, sit back, sweets. - It's just us.

- Have we got a show for you. - I hope you brought a change of panties, 'cause...

♪ I'm just a girl ♪ ♪ who cain't say no ♪

♪ I'm in a turrible fix ♪

♪ I always say ♪ ♪ come on, let's go ♪

♪ Just when ♪ ♪ I oughta say nix ♪

♪ When a person tries ♪ ♪ to kiss a girl ♪

♪ I know she ought ♪ ♪ to give his face a smack ♪

- Smack. - Smack.

♪ But as soon ♪ ♪ as someone kisses me ♪

♪ I somehow sorta want ♪ ♪ to kiss 'em back. ♪

Ladies and gentleman, please welcome

our very special guest,

Ms. Debbie Reynolds.

(CHEERING)

♪ There are worse ♪ ♪ things I could do ♪

♪ Doo-wop ♪

♪ Than go with a boy or two ♪

♪ Two-wop ♪

♪ Even though ♪ ♪ the neighborhood ♪

♪ - Thinks I'm trashy and no ♪ ♪ good - Ooh, she's no good ♪

♪ I suppose it could be true ♪

♪ - But there's worse things ♪ ♪ I could do - Wop. ♪

- ♪ Memory ♪ - (MEOWING)

♪ All alone ♪ ♪ in the moonlight ♪

♪ I can smile ♪ ♪ at the old days ♪

- Police! Drop the cat. - ♪ I was beautiful then. ♪

On your knees, hands in the air.

♪ Kiss today goodbye ♪

♪ The sweetness ♪ ♪ and the sorrow ♪

♪ We did what ♪ ♪ we had to do ♪

♪ Won't forget, ♪ ♪ can't regret ♪

♪ What I did for love ♪

♪ What I did for love ♪

♪ What I did for love. ♪

♪ Good morning, Starshine ♪

♪ The earth says hello ♪

♪ You twinkle above us ♪

♪ We twinkle below... ♪

Oh my God, I can't believe it, what are we going to do?

(SCREAMS)

♪ Good morning, Starshine, ♪ ♪ you lead us along ♪

- ♪ My love and me ♪ - (SCREAMS)

♪ As we sing ♪

♪ Our early morning ♪ ♪ singing song. ♪

(AUDIENCE CLAPS ALONG, CHEERING)

♪ You coax the blues ♪ ♪ right out of the horn ♪

♪ Mame ♪

♪ You charm the husk ♪ ♪ right off of the corn ♪

♪ Mame ♪

♪ You've got ♪ ♪ the banjos strumming ♪

♪ And plunkin' out a tune ♪ ♪ to beat the band... ♪

- (SCREAMS) - TIBOR: Come here!

(SCREAMS, GASPS)

CONNIE: Okay.

- (COUGHING) - You've got something that's mine.

- You killed poor Frank. - You did!

- Let them go, Mr. Rudy. - Get lost.

- Kick it, girls. - ♪ Mame

- Let's go, ladies. - Oh no.

(GRUNTS)

♪ Mame. ♪

- (LAUGHTER) - Take care of the Debbie.

I loved you in "What's the Matter With Helen?"

- (GROANING) - (GRUNTING, SCREAMING)

(SCREAMS)

(LAUGHING)

(YELLING)

You screwed up the number, you bastard!

Ow, ow, ow...

(CHEERING)

(ALL SCREAMING)

- Get up. - No.

(GIRLS WHIMPERING)

Beads.

Hey!

PAUL: Get them!

(CHEERING)

LEE: You guys are bad!

Police! Everybody freeze!

- These are the bad guys. - The bad guys.

- You got to take them away. - COP: All right, ladies, we'll take it from here.

- He killed fat man! - He had a gland problem.

- COP: Cuff 'em. - You're horrible. How do you like it?

- Oh, what are you doing? - Oh, Mikey, I love you.

- I love you. - Thanks, Al, you did good.

- No problem, Con. - Hey, good show.

- ALL: Thanks. - You need a baritone?

Yeah, call us when you get out.

(APPLAUSE)

Okay, on with the show. "Mame."

Top of "corn."

Hey, what the hell was that all about?

Um... the "Guys and Dolls" tribute.

Oh, save it, Mary, what just happened?

Come on, Connie.

Let's tell them the truth.

No more lies.

(FAINT CHATTER)

I'm sure you're all wondering

what the cops and...

First we owed some money,

and then we saw something,

and we've been hiding for a while

pretending to be something that we're not.

Hey, who saw "Yentl"?

Barbara Streisand wants to study the Talmud, right?

But she can't, because she's a woman.

So she pretends to be a man,

and one thing leads to the next

and before you know it...

Everybody believes that she's a man.

She has to keep lying.

Even though she wants to stop, she can't,

'cause she has to keep lying to people that she cares about...

You know, that have been really kind.

Look...

uh...

we're women. (CHUCKLES)

(SCATTERED LAUGHS)

No, you don't get it, we're women.

(MURMURING)

(GASPS, SCREAMS)

- (GROANS) - (CHUCKLES)

(GAGS)

- We're sorry we lied. - We're so sorry.

(CROWD BOOING)

- Go home. - Get off the stage.

Let's go back to Chicago.

The patio door is shut and our hair is caught in it.

- I know. - WOMAN: Excuse me.

Excuse me, hello?

Didn't you used to work at the Slimming Salon?

Yes.

Mrs. Morse?

Well, I don't care what you are,

you always made me feel beautiful.

- (MURMURING) - But we thought you were men, and you're not really men.

Oh, honey, who is anymore?

(LAUGHING)

(CLAPPING)

(BOTH GIGGLE)

I thought something was up.

- Me too. - No, you didn't.

ROBERT: Girls, in an art form based on

being true to one's real self, welcome to your outing.

- Jeff? - Connie?

Oh, great, more drama.

- You came to my show. - I love show tunes.

Hey everybody, this is my brother Jeff.

CROWD: Hi, Jeff.

Hi...

You look... you look different.

Jeff, I'm a woman.

(LAUGHS) Oh, it's an authentic look.

- Yeah, but... - No, I mean I'm female.

We're girls, we were faking it. It's this long story...

Please, we've been over that.

Really.

Really?

- Really? - CROWD: Yes!

I could get used to that.

Jeff is the guy?

Yeah.

- You're the guy! - (CHUCKLES)

Well, get up here and kiss her, you fool.

(WHOOPING)

(WHISTLING)

- Ooh, the finale. - CROWD: What?

- The finale. - Oh.

♪ There is nothing ♪ ♪ like a dame ♪

♪ Nothing in the world ♪

♪ There is nothing ♪ ♪ you can name ♪

♪ That is anything ♪ ♪ like a dame ♪

♪ There are no books ♪ ♪ like a dame ♪

♪ And nothing looks ♪ ♪ like a dame ♪

- ♪ There are no drinks... ♪ - Carla's a big star now.

And I'm her boyfriend.

♪ Nothing acts like a dame ♪

♪ Or attracts like a dame ♪

♪ There ain't a thing that's ♪ ♪ wrong with any man here ♪

♪ That can't be cured ♪ ♪ by putting him near ♪

♪ A girly, womanly, ♪ ♪ female, feminine... ♪

(CRIES)

♪ Dame ♪

(APPLAUSE)

(BOTH LAUGH)

(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)