1
00:00:51,452 --> 00:00:53,053
(BELL RINGS)
2
00:00:54,622 --> 00:00:57,191
BOY: Hey, check it out.
Look at those two losers.
3
00:00:57,291 --> 00:01:00,194
- GIRL: Hi, everyone, we're Connie...
- GIRL
4
00:01:00,294 --> 00:01:02,196
- (LAUGHING)
- Nerds.
5
00:01:02,296 --> 00:01:04,465
PA: Attention please.
The yearbook committee
6
00:01:04,565 --> 00:01:06,767
will meet today at 3:40
in the library.
7
00:01:06,867 --> 00:01:09,370
- Good crowd.
- Connie, are you sure we should?
8
00:01:09,470 --> 00:01:12,240
Don't forget the harmony
in the second verse, okay?
9
00:01:12,340 --> 00:01:14,475
- Okay.
- This is going to work, Carla.
10
00:01:14,575 --> 00:01:18,045
- We just have to stick to my plan.
- Right, the plan.
11
00:01:18,146 --> 00:01:20,714
We're gonna be huge.
Huge.
12
00:01:20,814 --> 00:01:23,984
PA: All students registered
for the planetarium
13
00:01:24,084 --> 00:01:26,454
field trip should
now be on the bus.
14
00:01:26,554 --> 00:01:29,056
- (TAPE PLAYING "OKLAHOMA")
- BOY: Get off the stage!
15
00:01:29,157 --> 00:01:32,260
- (KIDS LAUGHING)
- ♪ Oklahoma ♪
16
00:01:32,360 --> 00:01:35,596
♪ Where the wind comes ♪
♪ sweeping down the plain ♪
17
00:01:35,696 --> 00:01:38,132
♪ - And the waving wheat ♪
♪ - They're freaks. ♪
18
00:01:38,232 --> 00:01:42,670
♪ Can sure smell sweet when the wind ♪
♪ comes right behind the rain... ♪
19
00:01:42,770 --> 00:01:47,275
♪ Oklahoma ♪
20
00:01:47,375 --> 00:01:50,043
♪ Every night ♪
♪ my honey lamb and I ♪
21
00:01:50,144 --> 00:01:51,712
♪ We sit alone and talk ♪
22
00:01:51,812 --> 00:01:53,514
♪ And watch a hawk ♪
23
00:01:53,614 --> 00:01:55,749
♪ Makin' lazy circles ♪
♪ in the sky ♪
24
00:01:55,849 --> 00:01:57,185
♪ Oklahoma. ♪
25
00:01:57,285 --> 00:01:59,287
(WOMAN OVER P.A.)
United Airlines flight 539
26
00:01:59,387 --> 00:02:01,822
to Minneapolis
is now boarding at
27
00:02:01,922 --> 00:02:03,424
- gate 31B.
- (AIRPORT PA CHATTER)
28
00:02:03,524 --> 00:02:06,560
♪ Jesus Christ ♪
29
00:02:06,660 --> 00:02:08,429
♪ Superstar ♪
30
00:02:08,529 --> 00:02:14,702
♪ Do you think you're ♪
♪ what they say you are? ♪
31
00:02:17,137 --> 00:02:19,207
♪ Papa, can you ♪
♪ hear me? ♪
32
00:02:19,307 --> 00:02:23,411
♪ Papa, ♪
♪ are you near me? ♪
33
00:02:23,511 --> 00:02:26,647
♪ Papa, how I miss you ♪
34
00:02:26,747 --> 00:02:30,150
♪ Kissing me ♪
35
00:02:31,252 --> 00:02:36,957
♪ Good night ♪
36
00:02:37,157 --> 00:02:40,228
♪ Papa. ♪
37
00:02:40,328 --> 00:02:43,764
- (BLOWS) - Thank you,
you've been a great crowd.
38
00:02:43,864 --> 00:02:45,733
All of you.
39
00:02:54,342 --> 00:02:56,610
♪ Memory ♪
40
00:02:56,710 --> 00:03:02,350
♪ All alone in the ♪
♪ moonlight, I can smile... ♪
41
00:03:02,450 --> 00:03:04,885
MAN: And the greatest thing
about that car show is...
42
00:03:04,985 --> 00:03:08,121
you can sit in any car you
want for as long as you want.
43
00:03:08,222 --> 00:03:10,624
Yeah, I remember
that from last year.
44
00:03:10,724 --> 00:03:13,093
Cut it out, Al.
45
00:03:13,193 --> 00:03:15,429
You know, Carla, me and
Al just got this new job.
46
00:03:15,529 --> 00:03:18,532
- We're loading stuff in this warehouse.
- That's great.
47
00:03:18,632 --> 00:03:21,134
- What's your problem?
- I'm trying to eat, okay?
48
00:03:21,235 --> 00:03:24,438
What are you doing here anyway?
I told you we broke up.
49
00:03:25,506 --> 00:03:27,675
- Again?
- Let's go, Carla.
50
00:03:27,775 --> 00:03:30,711
- Where you going?
- Mikey, the second show.
51
00:03:30,811 --> 00:03:33,281
Yeah, Mikey, the second show.
Have some respect...
52
00:03:33,381 --> 00:03:37,117
Don't you realize we're in the
presence of the great waitresses?
53
00:03:37,217 --> 00:03:38,886
- Al, shut it.
- No, you shut it, Connie.
54
00:03:38,986 --> 00:03:42,122
You and that stupid show,
you're like sad, you know?
55
00:03:42,222 --> 00:03:43,957
After all these years,
just face the fact
56
00:03:44,057 --> 00:03:45,659
it's not going to happen
and give up.
57
00:03:46,927 --> 00:03:48,529
- What?
- What's your problem?
58
00:03:48,629 --> 00:03:51,399
What is wrong with you?
Why can't you just be normal?
59
00:03:51,499 --> 00:03:54,268
Al, I only have one life.
60
00:03:54,368 --> 00:03:57,305
I want it to be a happy one.
Let's get out of here.
61
00:03:58,606 --> 00:03:59,940
Come on, Carla.
62
00:04:01,742 --> 00:04:03,544
Carla, please.
63
00:04:04,678 --> 00:04:06,414
Let's go.
64
00:04:07,515 --> 00:04:09,983
You're a dreamer, Connie.
Wake up.
65
00:04:12,620 --> 00:04:15,556
I told you that layover from
Madison would bring people in.
66
00:04:15,656 --> 00:04:17,224
Connie, Carla!
67
00:04:17,325 --> 00:04:19,727
We're gonna be able to pay
you back soon, Frank.
68
00:04:19,827 --> 00:04:23,297
We needed more wigs than we thought,
and we have to do some advertising.
69
00:04:24,898 --> 00:04:27,435
- Good show.
- Oh.
70
00:04:27,535 --> 00:04:29,470
- You girls are great.
- (GIGGLES)
71
00:04:29,570 --> 00:04:32,306
- I gotta go see about a delivery.
- BOTH: Thanks, Frank.
72
00:04:34,708 --> 00:04:36,410
Hey, Frank,
73
00:04:36,510 --> 00:04:38,746
Rudy's looking for you.
74
00:04:52,025 --> 00:04:54,194
Carla, dinner theater
will be so in again.
75
00:04:54,294 --> 00:04:56,930
Yeah, Debbie Reynolds definitely
knew what she was doing.
76
00:04:57,030 --> 00:04:59,700
- Debbie Reynolds... "Darling!"
- Darling.
77
00:04:59,800 --> 00:05:02,336
- Chins up, boobs out...
- It's show time.
78
00:05:02,436 --> 00:05:04,505
- Oh.
- Oh, actually, the show's over, sorry.
79
00:05:04,605 --> 00:05:07,240
- Come back in a month when the show will be huge.
- Huge.
80
00:05:07,341 --> 00:05:08,609
- We're Connie...
- And Carla.
81
00:05:08,709 --> 00:05:11,211
- Do you like musicals?
- Stop talking, strange women.
82
00:05:11,311 --> 00:05:14,882
I can tell by your lovely accent you're a
visitor to this country... and welcome.
83
00:05:14,982 --> 00:05:17,117
Where is fat man?
84
00:05:17,317 --> 00:05:18,686
He has a gland problem.
85
00:05:19,787 --> 00:05:21,389
(GASPING)
86
00:05:22,723 --> 00:05:24,358
Where's Frank?
87
00:05:26,594 --> 00:05:28,228
He just left, Rudy.
88
00:05:28,328 --> 00:05:31,098
- Where does he park?
- On the rooftop.
89
00:05:31,331 --> 00:05:33,367
Tibor, let's go.
90
00:05:34,802 --> 00:05:38,472
- (GASPS) - Nice to meet
you, Connie, Carla.
91
00:05:43,143 --> 00:05:45,646
(AIRPORT PA CHATTER)
92
00:05:45,746 --> 00:05:47,815
- We gotta warn Frank.
Let's go. - (GASPS)
93
00:05:49,517 --> 00:05:52,319
- (GROANING) - The
shipment is short... again.
94
00:05:52,420 --> 00:05:54,455
FRANK: I didn't take
anything, Rudy.
95
00:05:54,555 --> 00:05:58,025
You were the only one who handled the
transport. So now I have to kill ya.
96
00:05:58,125 --> 00:06:00,127
- FRANK: No, don't!
- Let's go get security.
97
00:06:00,227 --> 00:06:01,862
- RUDY: I don't want to do it.
- Look.
98
00:06:01,962 --> 00:06:04,064
- RUDY: Where's the money?
- (SCREAMS)
99
00:06:04,164 --> 00:06:06,434
- How long has this been going on?
- Just in time.
100
00:06:06,534 --> 00:06:09,503
- (SOBBING)
- How long?
101
00:06:12,506 --> 00:06:16,877
Officer, look these guys
are big time coke dealers.
102
00:06:16,977 --> 00:06:19,813
You take me in, I'll tell you
anything you want to know, okay?
103
00:06:19,913 --> 00:06:22,049
I left the stuff at the
lounge with some girls.
104
00:06:22,149 --> 00:06:26,153
You just go ask for Connie
and Carla, Connie and Carla.
105
00:06:29,923 --> 00:06:30,824
(CHUCKLES)
106
00:06:34,962 --> 00:06:37,965
- (GUNSHOT)
- (BOTH SCREAMING)
107
00:06:38,065 --> 00:06:39,833
Connie and Carla!
108
00:06:39,933 --> 00:06:41,435
(YELPS)
109
00:06:47,441 --> 00:06:49,242
(CONTINUING SCREAMING)
110
00:06:49,443 --> 00:06:50,978
(GUNSHOT)
111
00:06:58,452 --> 00:07:01,054
CARLA: Oh God, oh God, oh God...
112
00:07:01,154 --> 00:07:03,557
- Carla, please, Carla...
- (THUMPS)
113
00:07:03,657 --> 00:07:05,626
(GASPS)
Okay, why the throat?
114
00:07:05,726 --> 00:07:07,360
I can't believe you actually...
115
00:07:07,461 --> 00:07:09,897
Carla, calm down, your
voice is giving me cramps.
116
00:07:09,997 --> 00:07:12,666
- Those guys are going to kill us.
- Carla, we're okay.
117
00:07:12,766 --> 00:07:14,502
Oh my God, there they are!
118
00:07:14,602 --> 00:07:17,070
(SCREAMS)
119
00:07:18,706 --> 00:07:20,440
- (GUNSHOT) - Did I get 'em?
Did I get 'em?
120
00:07:20,541 --> 00:07:22,142
- They're still coming.
- (GUNSHOTS)
121
00:07:24,444 --> 00:07:26,847
- Please say where you're going.
- We don't know, Ma.
122
00:07:26,947 --> 00:07:29,517
We just realized we have to
make a move for our careers.
123
00:07:29,617 --> 00:07:31,952
- We're not in trouble or anything.
- Connie, Carla!
124
00:07:32,052 --> 00:07:33,854
Are you prostitutes?
125
00:07:35,155 --> 00:07:36,924
- (GASPS)
- We'll call you.
126
00:07:37,024 --> 00:07:38,626
Okay.
127
00:07:40,594 --> 00:07:42,596
- (SCREAMS)
- What is that?
128
00:07:42,696 --> 00:07:44,998
- What are you doing here?
- Your moms called.
129
00:07:45,098 --> 00:07:47,801
- Where were you going?
- We're going away for a while.
130
00:07:47,901 --> 00:07:50,738
Oh, I get it. Last week you
supposedly break up with me,
131
00:07:50,838 --> 00:07:54,407
now you pretend you're leavin' and
bump-bump-a-da, I'm supposed to propose.
132
00:07:54,508 --> 00:07:58,746
- You want us to marry you.
- What are you talking about? We're not even pre-engaged.
133
00:07:58,846 --> 00:08:00,614
Mikey, if you want
to propose, I'm ready.
134
00:08:00,714 --> 00:08:02,415
(SIGHS)
Oh...
135
00:08:02,516 --> 00:08:05,653
Mikey, don't get trapped. We
been dating other girls anyway.
136
00:08:05,753 --> 00:08:07,755
Yeah, we've been...
What?
137
00:08:08,889 --> 00:08:10,524
(GASPS)
138
00:08:10,624 --> 00:08:13,060
Drive, Thelma, drive!
139
00:08:34,982 --> 00:08:37,551
RUDY:
What do you got?
140
00:08:37,651 --> 00:08:40,988
Sputnik, you can't
find two stupid women
141
00:08:41,088 --> 00:08:44,792
who have my kilo and saw me
blow someone's head off?
142
00:08:44,892 --> 00:08:47,561
This is all that was there.
143
00:08:52,633 --> 00:08:54,534
TIBOR:
Business contacts.
144
00:08:54,635 --> 00:08:57,871
"Old Town Dinner Theater,
St. Louis."
145
00:08:57,971 --> 00:09:00,708
Lincoln House Dinner Theater,
Kansas City.
146
00:09:00,808 --> 00:09:03,176
- "Balcony Dinner Theater..."
- They've left town.
147
00:09:08,916 --> 00:09:11,752
Wait, where's my work tote?
Oh God.
148
00:09:11,852 --> 00:09:13,186
(GASPS)
I think you left it.
149
00:09:13,286 --> 00:09:15,723
Great, now those guys
know everything about us.
150
00:09:15,823 --> 00:09:18,158
- You don't have our home address in there?
- No, no.
151
00:09:18,258 --> 00:09:20,093
(SIGHS) We should just
go to the police.
152
00:09:20,193 --> 00:09:21,995
A cop shot poor Frank.
153
00:09:22,095 --> 00:09:24,364
Just let me think. I'm trying
to make up a new plan.
154
00:09:24,564 --> 00:09:26,166
Where can we go?
155
00:09:28,168 --> 00:09:29,569
- New York?
- New York?
156
00:09:29,670 --> 00:09:31,705
- New York's too obvious.
- Florida?
157
00:09:31,805 --> 00:09:33,641
- Florida?
- They can't hide.
158
00:09:33,741 --> 00:09:35,042
We can't hide.
159
00:09:35,142 --> 00:09:37,845
- We gotta go someplace where we can blend in.
- Okay.
160
00:09:37,945 --> 00:09:41,248
Somewhere where they'd never look
for us, because there's no theater,
161
00:09:41,348 --> 00:09:44,151
no musical theater, no dinner
theater, no culture at all.
162
00:09:46,086 --> 00:09:47,187
Los Angeles.
163
00:09:52,960 --> 00:09:55,629
We could be LA girls now.
164
00:09:55,729 --> 00:09:57,665
We should work out.
165
00:09:58,966 --> 00:10:01,068
(LAUGHING)
166
00:10:03,804 --> 00:10:05,739
- Good one.
- Thank you.
167
00:10:07,875 --> 00:10:10,343
Oh, oh.
168
00:10:10,443 --> 00:10:12,312
I think I have a tissue.
Here.
169
00:10:15,315 --> 00:10:17,450
What's this?
170
00:10:17,651 --> 00:10:19,052
I don't know.
171
00:10:21,154 --> 00:10:22,089
(SCREAMS)
172
00:10:22,189 --> 00:10:23,390
I can't see.
173
00:10:23,490 --> 00:10:26,126
- (COUGHS) - Oh, it
tastes really funny.
174
00:10:26,226 --> 00:10:30,097
Don't inhale. Spit it
out, stop breathing.
175
00:10:30,197 --> 00:10:32,966
- Where'd you get that?
- I didn't get it.
176
00:10:33,066 --> 00:10:35,102
- Carla, it was in your bag.
- (COUGHING)
177
00:10:37,370 --> 00:10:39,372
(HONKS)
178
00:10:42,910 --> 00:10:45,746
CARLA: We've been rehearsing a
lot and he's got that new job.
179
00:10:45,846 --> 00:10:47,547
What if he doesn't even
have a new job?
180
00:10:47,647 --> 00:10:49,683
What if he's found somebody else?
That's it,
181
00:10:49,783 --> 00:10:52,585
Mikey cheated 'cause I was working nights.
It's not his fault.
182
00:10:52,686 --> 00:10:54,621
It was that waitress
at Dodo's Dinner.
183
00:10:54,722 --> 00:10:57,190
She looks at him funny when she
brings him his cheese melt.
184
00:10:57,290 --> 00:10:59,226
"Hi, Mikey..."
(MOCK GIGGLES, GAGS)
185
00:10:59,326 --> 00:11:02,830
She makes me sick she's so sweet... so
sweet like the devil in devil's food cake.
186
00:11:02,930 --> 00:11:05,265
She makes me want to puke.
She makes me want to vomit.
187
00:11:05,365 --> 00:11:08,668
- It's okay, Carla, it's okay.
- (SIGHS)
188
00:11:08,769 --> 00:11:11,138
We deserve better though,
that's for sure.
189
00:11:16,043 --> 00:11:18,846
You know what? No more
time for losers, Carla.
190
00:11:18,946 --> 00:11:20,080
(SIGHS)
Mm-hmm.
191
00:11:20,180 --> 00:11:22,582
When one door closes,
another door opens.
192
00:11:22,682 --> 00:11:26,286
Yeah, life is like a patio door, you never
know which side is going to be open.
193
00:11:26,386 --> 00:11:28,588
Mm-hmm, and you walk
into the glass.
194
00:11:28,688 --> 00:11:31,892
("BORN TO BE WILD" PLAYING)
195
00:11:38,698 --> 00:11:41,869
♪ Get your motor runnin' ♪
196
00:11:41,969 --> 00:11:45,138
♪ Head out ♪
♪ on the highway ♪
197
00:11:45,238 --> 00:11:47,741
♪ Looking for adventure ♪
198
00:11:47,841 --> 00:11:51,845
♪ And whatever comes ♪
♪ our way ♪
199
00:11:51,945 --> 00:11:55,048
♪ Yeah, darlin', ♪
♪ go make it happen ♪
200
00:11:55,148 --> 00:11:58,418
♪ Take the world ♪
♪ in a love embrace ♪
201
00:11:58,518 --> 00:12:01,254
♪ Fire all of your ♪
♪ guns at once ♪
202
00:12:01,354 --> 00:12:05,092
♪ And explode into space ♪
203
00:12:05,192 --> 00:12:08,261
- (HONKING)
- ♪ Born to be wild...
204
00:12:09,997 --> 00:12:11,664
CARLA:
They look friendly here.
205
00:12:11,765 --> 00:12:14,634
- Ooh, I really like it here.
- CONNIE: Yeah, me too.
206
00:12:14,734 --> 00:12:16,804
- I got a good feeling about this.
- Yeah?
207
00:12:16,904 --> 00:12:18,338
- Yeah.
- Me too.
208
00:12:18,438 --> 00:12:21,108
- (GIGGLES) - Okay, it
really feels safe here.
209
00:12:21,208 --> 00:12:24,344
- (BANGS) - Oh, gunshot!
Connie, they found us.
210
00:12:24,444 --> 00:12:27,080
- We're gonna die!
- Let me look, let me look.
211
00:12:27,180 --> 00:12:28,916
(BANGS)
212
00:12:29,016 --> 00:12:32,786
- (BANGS) - Oh, we're
okay, we're okay.
213
00:12:32,886 --> 00:12:35,055
- (JACKHAMMERING, BANGS)
- (CHUCKLES)
214
00:12:35,155 --> 00:12:38,225
(SIGHS)
Oh, cute.
215
00:12:38,325 --> 00:12:40,493
CONNIE: Don't bother, Carla.
They're all just
216
00:12:40,593 --> 00:12:43,663
Als and Mikeys with a tan.
217
00:12:43,763 --> 00:12:45,098
No more boyfriends for us.
218
00:12:46,800 --> 00:12:49,269
Oh, wait, backup, backup.
219
00:13:01,414 --> 00:13:04,885
- CONNIE'S MOM: Where are you? Are you okay?
- CARLA'S MOM: They're not okay.
220
00:13:04,985 --> 00:13:06,786
- Are you eating?
- Mom... We're eating!
221
00:13:06,887 --> 00:13:08,856
What are you doing for money?
222
00:13:08,956 --> 00:13:11,825
- I'm sure they've got jobs...
- Yeah, as prostitutes.
223
00:13:11,925 --> 00:13:14,527
TOUR GUIDE: I'd be hard-pressed
to say I can't remember
224
00:13:14,627 --> 00:13:17,064
a better looking group of
tourists and I mean that.
225
00:13:17,164 --> 00:13:19,199
I hope you're ready,
'cause today is the day
226
00:13:19,299 --> 00:13:20,968
when all the stars
are coming out.
227
00:13:21,068 --> 00:13:23,203
So, keep your cameras ready,
'cause here we go.
228
00:13:23,303 --> 00:13:24,972
- (POLICE SIREN)
- Oh, look at that,
229
00:13:25,072 --> 00:13:27,040
another celebrity
getting arrested.
230
00:13:27,140 --> 00:13:29,076
(LAUGHS)
Kidding, I'm kidding.
231
00:13:29,176 --> 00:13:31,078
- Okay, now...
- Excuse me, sir.
232
00:13:31,178 --> 00:13:33,947
- Could we please drive by Debbie Reynolds' house?
- Oh yeah!
233
00:13:34,047 --> 00:13:35,849
No, that's not on the tour.
234
00:13:35,949 --> 00:13:39,252
- (GASPS) - Keep your eyes
peeled both left and right...
235
00:13:39,352 --> 00:13:42,355
- Sir, sir.
- Because celebrities will just pop out at ya at any time.
236
00:13:42,455 --> 00:13:43,490
CONNIE: Sir.
237
00:13:43,590 --> 00:13:46,193
Hi, are there any dinner
theaters in town?
238
00:13:46,293 --> 00:13:48,495
Not in this decade.
239
00:13:49,930 --> 00:13:51,798
- Now...
- Sir, isn't there a place
240
00:13:51,899 --> 00:13:55,168
- where we could sit for dinner and a show?
- Yeah, my face!
241
00:14:03,476 --> 00:14:05,879
MAN:
Hey, it's Jeff,
242
00:14:05,979 --> 00:14:09,749
I came by to see you again,
but you're not home again.
243
00:14:09,849 --> 00:14:12,752
But I'm bound to run
into you sometime, right?
244
00:14:12,852 --> 00:14:14,955
I'm gonna keep trying.
So...
245
00:14:15,055 --> 00:14:16,890
anyway, I can't wait to see you.
246
00:14:16,990 --> 00:14:19,492
I will talk to you later.
247
00:14:27,000 --> 00:14:28,868
- Thanks.
- You're welcome.
248
00:14:36,276 --> 00:14:38,511
(SIGHS) None of these
jobs pay real money.
249
00:14:38,611 --> 00:14:41,314
- I know.
- I'll go make some calls.
250
00:14:41,414 --> 00:14:42,315
Okay.
251
00:14:43,450 --> 00:14:45,052
We'll find something.
252
00:14:45,152 --> 00:14:47,354
We're the only salon
in Los Angeles
253
00:14:47,454 --> 00:14:49,556
that does the Hijiki
Herbal Clay Wrap.
254
00:14:50,723 --> 00:14:52,492
You have done wrapping before?
255
00:14:52,592 --> 00:14:55,963
Oh, yeah, there's a ton of
these salons in France.
256
00:14:56,063 --> 00:14:59,366
Where we're from... (MIMICS
FRENCH ACCENT) originally.
257
00:14:59,466 --> 00:15:01,568
Oh, très bien.
258
00:15:03,170 --> 00:15:05,572
You can finish it then.
259
00:15:05,672 --> 00:15:07,474
Seal it tightly
with ductile sheathing.
260
00:15:07,574 --> 00:15:09,009
Right.
261
00:15:11,111 --> 00:15:13,246
- Excuse me, Mrs. Morse.
- Oh, sure.
262
00:15:15,548 --> 00:15:16,449
Okay.
263
00:15:23,190 --> 00:15:25,058
- Is that too tight?
- No, no, this is good.
264
00:15:25,158 --> 00:15:27,827
It'll help squish out all that
water I've been retaining.
265
00:15:27,927 --> 00:15:30,230
- 15 lbs. To go.
- Mrs. Morse, you're thin.
266
00:15:30,330 --> 00:15:32,699
- No, no, I'm not.
- You are really.
267
00:15:32,932 --> 00:15:35,135
No, no, no.
268
00:15:35,235 --> 00:15:39,439
- Oh...
- I can't even get my butt through this door.
269
00:15:39,539 --> 00:15:42,342
- (RINGS) - Hello, the
"I Hate My Body" Salon.
270
00:15:42,442 --> 00:15:44,044
- May I help you?
- (GIGGLES)
271
00:15:44,144 --> 00:15:46,079
Hello?
Hello? Hello?
272
00:15:46,179 --> 00:15:48,248
- Oh, they're gone.
- (LAUGHS)
273
00:15:48,348 --> 00:15:50,150
(GASPS)
274
00:15:51,951 --> 00:15:54,587
CONNIE: Mrs. Morse,
are you okay?
275
00:15:54,687 --> 00:15:56,589
The girl said it's the new look.
276
00:15:56,689 --> 00:15:58,891
Straw hair and beige lipstick?
277
00:15:58,992 --> 00:16:02,095
It's the new
California look, right?
278
00:16:02,195 --> 00:16:04,497
- Yeah, for dead Californians.
- (GROANS)
279
00:16:04,597 --> 00:16:07,634
Don't be sad, we can help you.
280
00:16:16,476 --> 00:16:18,411
(GASPS)
281
00:16:18,511 --> 00:16:20,647
(SIGHS)
I love it.
282
00:16:20,747 --> 00:16:22,382
(ALL LAUGH)
283
00:16:22,482 --> 00:16:24,317
You're fired.
284
00:16:27,387 --> 00:16:29,356
Now we don't have
any money for rent.
285
00:16:29,456 --> 00:16:31,058
This is so hard!
286
00:16:31,158 --> 00:16:32,959
I miss Mikey
and poor Frank is dead.
287
00:16:33,060 --> 00:16:34,994
When they find us,
we're dead too.
288
00:16:36,363 --> 00:16:37,897
What are you doing?
289
00:16:37,997 --> 00:16:39,332
- We need to get drunk.
- What?
290
00:16:42,001 --> 00:16:43,470
(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)
291
00:17:03,490 --> 00:17:06,326
(DISCO MUSIC PLAYING)
292
00:17:06,426 --> 00:17:08,328
(CHEERING)
293
00:17:08,428 --> 00:17:10,363
(WHISTLES)
294
00:17:14,167 --> 00:17:16,569
- MAN: Shake it, girls.
- (WOLF WHISTLES)
295
00:17:21,308 --> 00:17:23,735
♪ Shake your groove thing, ♪
♪ shake your groove thing, ♪
296
00:17:23,760 --> 00:17:24,568
♪ yeah, yeah ♪
297
00:17:26,179 --> 00:17:28,115
♪ Show 'em ♪
♪ how to do it now ♪
298
00:17:28,215 --> 00:17:31,118
♪ Shake your groove thing, ♪
♪ shake your groove thing ♪
299
00:17:31,218 --> 00:17:33,120
♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
300
00:17:33,220 --> 00:17:35,422
♪ Show 'em ♪
♪ how to do it now ♪
301
00:17:35,522 --> 00:17:36,956
♪ Show 'em how ♪
♪ to do it now... ♪
302
00:17:37,056 --> 00:17:40,793
- They sound great.
- They're lip-synching.
303
00:17:40,893 --> 00:17:44,131
♪ Bad enough ♪
♪ to strut our stuff ♪
304
00:17:44,231 --> 00:17:47,700
♪ The music gives us ♪
♪ a chance... ♪
305
00:17:47,800 --> 00:17:50,103
- Mary?
- Yes, Mary?
306
00:17:50,203 --> 00:17:53,106
Did you hear, they're
moving their act to Vegas.
307
00:17:53,206 --> 00:17:55,542
- Wow.
- This is it.
308
00:17:55,642 --> 00:17:57,777
If we could do our act
here, I could die happy.
309
00:17:57,877 --> 00:18:00,147
Can anyone audition?
310
00:18:00,247 --> 00:18:03,350
Yes, I can. We're
going to get the job.
311
00:18:03,450 --> 00:18:06,052
Don't get your hopes up,
sweetie, it's an audition.
312
00:18:06,153 --> 00:18:07,987
We have to practice tomorrow.
313
00:18:08,087 --> 00:18:12,159
Ooh, I know what we're
going to wear... chickapow!
314
00:18:13,526 --> 00:18:15,395
(CHEERING)
315
00:18:16,663 --> 00:18:20,133
♪ We've got the rhythm ♪
♪ tonight! ♪
316
00:18:20,233 --> 00:18:22,569
(WHISPERS)
317
00:18:22,669 --> 00:18:25,538
- Are you crazy?
- Why not?
318
00:18:25,638 --> 00:18:28,275
- Because we're women.
- No one needs to know that.
319
00:18:28,375 --> 00:18:30,343
No way, Connie, no way.
320
00:18:30,443 --> 00:18:32,512
Ready? Smile.
321
00:18:48,895 --> 00:18:50,263
Yeah?
322
00:18:52,165 --> 00:18:55,735
(DEEPER VOICE) Mary, we heard
you were looking for a new act.
323
00:18:55,835 --> 00:18:59,272
That's right...
Mr... Mary.
324
00:19:01,608 --> 00:19:05,478
Doll, stop praying, you're
looking at the second coming.
325
00:19:06,813 --> 00:19:07,747
Sign in.
326
00:19:08,915 --> 00:19:10,617
Go backstage, you're on last.
327
00:19:16,889 --> 00:19:20,827
- God, I'm beautiful.
- Where does he find that?
328
00:19:20,927 --> 00:19:23,396
- Grab your tapes.
- Here you go, girl.
329
00:19:23,496 --> 00:19:25,732
- Tape, your tape.
- Thank you.
330
00:19:25,832 --> 00:19:27,066
Here, here, here, here.
331
00:19:27,166 --> 00:19:28,801
- Go again, eh?
- Thanks.
332
00:19:28,901 --> 00:19:30,937
This isn't working.
333
00:19:32,905 --> 00:19:34,541
All right, try this.
334
00:19:34,641 --> 00:19:38,311
(DEEP VOICE) Girl, what you
wearing, your prom dress?
335
00:19:38,411 --> 00:19:41,281
(DEEP VOICE) Girl, what you
wearing your prom dress for?
336
00:19:41,381 --> 00:19:44,083
(SNAPS)
Better?
337
00:19:44,183 --> 00:19:46,185
- Mm-hmm.
- What about our voices?
338
00:19:46,286 --> 00:19:49,389
- Way too high to be guys.
- See, this is going to lower the key.
339
00:19:49,489 --> 00:19:52,091
(TAPE SQUEAKS)
340
00:19:52,191 --> 00:19:53,993
Don't forget to adjust
on the harmony.
341
00:19:54,193 --> 00:19:55,662
- Okay.
- Okay.
342
00:19:55,762 --> 00:19:58,431
Carla, come on, throw your shoulders
back... have some attitude.
343
00:19:58,531 --> 00:20:00,667
It hurts. These tight
tops make us so flat.
344
00:20:00,767 --> 00:20:04,471
Right, we look just like them,
except they have these.
345
00:20:04,571 --> 00:20:07,106
There...
346
00:20:07,206 --> 00:20:09,776
Al and Mikey were right,
we are dreamers.
347
00:20:09,876 --> 00:20:12,379
That audience is going to
see straight through us.
348
00:20:12,479 --> 00:20:16,148
- It could get ugly.
- Carla, for one night we get to sing again.
349
00:20:16,249 --> 00:20:19,352
Come on, chins up,
boobs out, it's show time.
350
00:20:21,053 --> 00:20:22,889
- Shazaam.
- (LAUGHS)
351
00:20:22,989 --> 00:20:25,925
(RECORDING PLAYING) ♪ It's just a jump ♪
♪ to the left ♪
352
00:20:26,025 --> 00:20:29,228
♪ Then a step ♪
♪ to the right ♪
353
00:20:29,329 --> 00:20:31,398
♪ With your hands ♪
♪ on your hips ♪
354
00:20:31,498 --> 00:20:34,567
♪ You bring your knees ♪
♪ in tight ♪
355
00:20:34,667 --> 00:20:37,270
♪ But it's the pelvic thrust ♪
356
00:20:37,370 --> 00:20:39,839
♪ That really ♪
♪ drives you insane ♪
357
00:20:39,939 --> 00:20:45,512
♪ Let's do ♪
♪ the Time Warp again. ♪
358
00:20:52,485 --> 00:20:53,953
MAN:
That's awful.
359
00:20:54,053 --> 00:20:55,755
(SPARSE CLAPPING)
360
00:20:55,855 --> 00:20:57,824
BAR MANAGER:
How about a big...
361
00:20:57,924 --> 00:21:00,560
hand for our very own
362
00:21:00,660 --> 00:21:02,329
Peaches N' Cream?
363
00:21:02,429 --> 00:21:04,431
That's enough hitting me
with that duster.
364
00:21:04,531 --> 00:21:06,265
- I loved it.
- You were better than me.
365
00:21:06,366 --> 00:21:09,969
All right, our next act
is in town from... Winnipeg.
366
00:21:10,069 --> 00:21:12,505
They're new, so be nice.
367
00:21:12,605 --> 00:21:15,475
- You didn't tell him our real names?
- I took care of it.
368
00:21:15,575 --> 00:21:18,745
Please welcome Al and Mikey.
369
00:21:30,857 --> 00:21:32,659
(PIANO MUSIC PLAYING)
370
00:21:35,595 --> 00:21:37,797
Oh... "Cabaret,"
original.
371
00:21:38,931 --> 00:21:41,368
Wait, it's Liza... again.
372
00:21:43,570 --> 00:21:44,871
- I can't do it.
- Yes, you can.
373
00:21:44,971 --> 00:21:46,439
No...
374
00:21:51,911 --> 00:21:54,847
(CROWD CHATTING)
375
00:21:59,819 --> 00:22:01,921
♪ Maybe this time ♪
376
00:22:02,021 --> 00:22:05,291
♪ I'll be lucky ♪
377
00:22:05,392 --> 00:22:07,994
♪ Maybe this time ♪
♪ he'll stay ♪
378
00:22:10,463 --> 00:22:13,433
♪ Maybe this time ♪
379
00:22:13,533 --> 00:22:16,936
♪ For the first time ♪
380
00:22:17,036 --> 00:22:19,506
♪ Love won't hurry away... ♪
381
00:22:19,606 --> 00:22:21,641
Is she singing?
382
00:22:21,741 --> 00:22:23,710
Yes, he is.
383
00:22:23,810 --> 00:22:27,514
♪ He will hold me fast ♪
384
00:22:27,614 --> 00:22:34,153
♪ I'll be home ♪
♪ at last ♪
385
00:22:34,353 --> 00:22:37,557
♪ Not a loser anymore ♪
386
00:22:37,657 --> 00:22:39,859
♪ Like the last time ♪
387
00:22:39,959 --> 00:22:44,163
♪ And the time before ♪
388
00:22:44,363 --> 00:22:46,999
♪ Everybody ♪
389
00:22:47,099 --> 00:22:49,902
♪ Loves a winner ♪
390
00:22:50,002 --> 00:22:54,040
♪ So nobody loved me ♪
391
00:22:55,508 --> 00:22:57,710
♪ Lady Peaceful ♪
392
00:22:57,810 --> 00:23:00,713
♪ Lady Happy ♪
393
00:23:00,813 --> 00:23:05,184
♪ That's what ♪
♪ I long to be ♪
394
00:23:05,384 --> 00:23:08,254
♪ All the odds are ♪
395
00:23:08,455 --> 00:23:10,723
♪ In my favor ♪
396
00:23:10,823 --> 00:23:16,295
♪ Something's bound ♪
♪ to begin ♪
397
00:23:16,395 --> 00:23:18,698
♪ It's gotta happen ♪
398
00:23:18,798 --> 00:23:21,333
♪ Happen sometime ♪
399
00:23:21,534 --> 00:23:24,036
♪ Maybe this time ♪
400
00:23:24,136 --> 00:23:26,839
♪ Maybe this time ♪
401
00:23:26,939 --> 00:23:33,813
♪ I'll win. ♪
402
00:23:46,092 --> 00:23:48,628
- Bravo.
- (CHEERING)
403
00:23:50,930 --> 00:23:52,064
Oh my God.
404
00:23:52,164 --> 00:23:54,200
- (GIGGLES)
- Thank you.
405
00:23:57,604 --> 00:23:58,671
We're Connie...
406
00:24:01,140 --> 00:24:02,041
And Carla.
407
00:24:04,677 --> 00:24:05,578
Hit it.
408
00:24:07,013 --> 00:24:08,648
(PIANO PLAYING)
409
00:24:08,748 --> 00:24:11,718
♪ I'm just a girl ♪
♪ who cain't say no ♪
410
00:24:11,818 --> 00:24:14,754
♪ I'm in a turrible fix ♪
411
00:24:14,854 --> 00:24:18,357
♪ I always say ♪
♪ come on, let's go ♪
412
00:24:18,457 --> 00:24:20,026
♪ Just when I oughta say... ♪
413
00:24:20,126 --> 00:24:24,363
♪ Don't cry for me, ♪
♪ Argentina ♪
414
00:24:24,463 --> 00:24:27,967
♪ The truth is ♪
♪ I never left you ♪
415
00:24:28,067 --> 00:24:30,169
♪ All through ♪
♪ my wild days ♪
416
00:24:30,269 --> 00:24:32,639
♪ My mad existence ♪
417
00:24:32,739 --> 00:24:34,874
♪ I kept my promise ♪
418
00:24:34,974 --> 00:24:36,743
♪ Don't keep your distance ♪
419
00:24:45,885 --> 00:24:48,087
♪ Have I said ♪
♪ too much? ♪
420
00:24:48,187 --> 00:24:54,527
♪ There's nothing more I can ♪
♪ think of to say to you ♪
421
00:24:54,627 --> 00:24:57,229
♪ But all you have to do ♪
422
00:24:57,329 --> 00:24:59,431
♪ Is look at me to know ♪
423
00:24:59,532 --> 00:25:01,300
♪ That every word ♪
424
00:25:01,500 --> 00:25:04,871
♪ Is true ♪
425
00:25:04,971 --> 00:25:08,941
ALL: ♪ Don't cry for me, ♪
♪ Argentina ♪
426
00:25:09,041 --> 00:25:13,112
♪ The truth is ♪
♪ I never left you ♪
427
00:25:13,212 --> 00:25:15,147
♪ All through my wild days ♪
428
00:25:15,247 --> 00:25:17,116
♪ My mad existence ♪
429
00:25:17,216 --> 00:25:19,418
♪ I kept my promise ♪
430
00:25:19,518 --> 00:25:21,854
♪ Don't keep your distance. ♪
431
00:25:30,797 --> 00:25:32,264
(CHEERING)
432
00:25:38,905 --> 00:25:40,673
(CONNIE SQUEALING)
433
00:25:40,773 --> 00:25:42,541
- What just happened?
- Oh my God.
434
00:25:42,642 --> 00:25:45,211
You guys, where the hell
did you queens come from?
435
00:25:45,311 --> 00:25:46,846
The "Evita" stuff
made me tingle.
436
00:25:46,946 --> 00:25:48,480
The "Evita" stuff
made me tingle.
437
00:25:48,581 --> 00:25:50,182
Wednesdays and Sundays...
200 a week.
438
00:25:52,551 --> 00:25:54,854
300 a week and 10% of the door.
439
00:25:54,954 --> 00:25:56,723
No way, okay, fine.
440
00:25:58,357 --> 00:26:00,292
Congratulations,
you guys were fabulous.
441
00:26:00,392 --> 00:26:02,228
- Thanks.
- Thank you.
442
00:26:03,329 --> 00:26:04,230
Come on, Toto.
443
00:26:09,836 --> 00:26:13,205
Having trouble making
ends meet... not the first time.
444
00:26:13,305 --> 00:26:14,941
May not be able
to pay you that much.
445
00:26:17,243 --> 00:26:18,678
- That's okay.
- Yeah.
446
00:26:19,946 --> 00:26:21,814
See you tomorrow,
Connie and Carla.
447
00:26:25,417 --> 00:26:27,620
Ooooh... they all know
our real names.
448
00:26:27,720 --> 00:26:31,523
Who cares? We're in!
Oh my God, we're in.
449
00:26:31,624 --> 00:26:33,259
Oh, Carla, we're in, we're in.
450
00:26:33,359 --> 00:26:35,027
- Okay.
- Okay.
451
00:26:35,127 --> 00:26:39,932
CHORUS: ♪ You coax the blues ♪
♪ right out of the horn ♪
452
00:26:40,032 --> 00:26:42,001
♪ Mame ♪
453
00:26:42,101 --> 00:26:45,905
♪ You charm the husk right ♪
♪ off of the corn... ♪
454
00:26:46,005 --> 00:26:48,174
- (PHONE RINGS)
- ♪ Mame ♪
455
00:26:48,274 --> 00:26:50,710
- ♪ You've got the banjos strummin'... ♪
- Hello.
456
00:26:50,810 --> 00:26:53,079
RUDY: Tibor, what are you doing?
Are they there?
457
00:26:53,179 --> 00:26:56,382
No, Rudy, they're not here. Hey,
what about tracing the license plate?
458
00:26:56,482 --> 00:26:58,685
(MOCKS) What about tracing
the license plate?
459
00:26:58,785 --> 00:27:00,319
If you had written
it down, idiot!
460
00:27:00,419 --> 00:27:02,188
CARLA: ♪ You'll be lost ♪
461
00:27:02,288 --> 00:27:06,092
♪ You'll be so so sorry ♪
462
00:27:06,192 --> 00:27:10,096
♪ When I'm gone ♪
463
00:27:10,196 --> 00:27:12,531
♪ Sleep and I shall soothe you ♪
464
00:27:12,631 --> 00:27:14,801
♪ Calm you and anoint you ♪
465
00:27:14,901 --> 00:27:18,237
♪ - Myrrh for your hot ♪
♪ forehead - Oh ♪
466
00:27:18,337 --> 00:27:21,440
♪ Then you'll feel ♪
♪ everything's all right ♪
467
00:27:21,640 --> 00:27:23,676
♪ Yes, everything's fine ♪
468
00:27:23,776 --> 00:27:27,013
♪ Close your eyes, close ♪
♪ your eyes and relax ♪
469
00:27:27,113 --> 00:27:32,218
♪ Because everything's fine. ♪
470
00:27:32,318 --> 00:27:34,353
(CHEERING)
471
00:27:36,455 --> 00:27:38,257
- You've been great.
- You've been real.
472
00:27:38,357 --> 00:27:40,326
- Thank you.
- Thanks.
473
00:27:43,262 --> 00:27:44,396
You know...
474
00:27:44,496 --> 00:27:46,833
it's hard to meet
a guy in this town,
475
00:27:46,933 --> 00:27:48,868
let alone in Nazareth.
476
00:27:48,968 --> 00:27:52,705
Hey, Carla, I feel sorry
for Mary Magdalene.
477
00:27:52,805 --> 00:27:54,707
Oh, why is that, Connie?
478
00:27:54,807 --> 00:27:57,443
She finally decides
to mend her ways,
479
00:27:57,543 --> 00:28:00,146
go on the straight path and
she falls for this guy...
480
00:28:00,246 --> 00:28:02,348
33 years old, still
living with his mother,
481
00:28:02,448 --> 00:28:05,718
who's never gonna accept a shiksa
with a past for a daughter-in-law.
482
00:28:05,818 --> 00:28:08,220
(ALL LAUGH)
483
00:28:08,320 --> 00:28:10,622
I love it. I can finally
say what I think.
484
00:28:10,723 --> 00:28:12,825
I know. When we were doing
the show in Chicago
485
00:28:12,925 --> 00:28:14,861
and you would say,
you know, dirty stuff,
486
00:28:14,961 --> 00:28:16,462
I could feel the audience going,
487
00:28:16,562 --> 00:28:18,731
"Oh no, don't do that.
Where's my dessert?"
488
00:28:18,831 --> 00:28:21,667
- But now, dressed like a guy...
- We can say anything we want.
489
00:28:21,768 --> 00:28:24,737
...but with LA men, the bulge
in their pants is a cell phone.
490
00:28:24,837 --> 00:28:25,872
(ALL LAUGHING)
491
00:28:29,075 --> 00:28:32,879
All right, that's it. I have not
seen you laugh once tonight.
492
00:28:32,979 --> 00:28:34,847
Can you not see
how fabulous we are?
493
00:28:34,947 --> 00:28:37,316
I love the show.
494
00:28:37,416 --> 00:28:39,952
Mary, that is scary, your face
doesn't move when you talk.
495
00:28:40,052 --> 00:28:42,088
Oh... botox.
496
00:28:43,189 --> 00:28:44,891
Cow poison?
497
00:28:44,991 --> 00:28:46,325
(GASPS)
Oh, no.
498
00:28:46,425 --> 00:28:48,861
How many of you deaden
your wrinkles with that crap?
499
00:28:50,229 --> 00:28:51,563
Hmm,
500
00:28:51,798 --> 00:28:52,965
four, huh?
501
00:28:55,367 --> 00:28:58,304
- Five.
- Oh, come on, be honest.
502
00:28:59,405 --> 00:29:00,873
(LAUGHING)
503
00:29:00,973 --> 00:29:02,174
CONNIE:
Yeah, mmm-hmm.
504
00:29:02,274 --> 00:29:05,044
Boys and girls, God put us on
this earth to have a laugh,
505
00:29:05,144 --> 00:29:06,645
hence the term
"laugh lines."
506
00:29:06,879 --> 00:29:08,380
(DEEP LAUGH)
507
00:29:08,480 --> 00:29:10,850
That's what it looks like.
Do yourselves a favor,
508
00:29:10,950 --> 00:29:13,352
let your eyes crinkle,
let your skin wrinkle.
509
00:29:13,452 --> 00:29:15,154
Our lines show that we've lived.
510
00:29:15,254 --> 00:29:18,424
If he doesn't love you when you look
like a map, tell him to hit the road.
511
00:29:18,524 --> 00:29:20,026
(CHEERING)
512
00:29:23,062 --> 00:29:24,897
Wow, good one.
513
00:29:24,997 --> 00:29:26,799
What you got there, Carla?
514
00:29:26,899 --> 00:29:28,667
Well, Connie, I do believe
515
00:29:28,767 --> 00:29:31,670
it's time for "South
Pacific" sing-along!
516
00:29:31,904 --> 00:29:34,240
(CHEERING)
517
00:29:34,340 --> 00:29:37,676
There you go, get it
around your neck.
518
00:29:37,776 --> 00:29:39,611
Come on people, get 'em on.
519
00:29:39,812 --> 00:29:41,147
There you go.
520
00:29:41,247 --> 00:29:44,216
- They're so much fun.
- I wish I had the nerve to sing live.
521
00:29:44,316 --> 00:29:46,152
I wish I had the nerve
to be that good.
522
00:29:46,252 --> 00:29:48,454
- We are such idiots.
- Don't be mean to us,
523
00:29:48,554 --> 00:29:50,489
just because you
look fat in white.
524
00:29:50,589 --> 00:29:52,424
I do... Look at how
busy we're getting.
525
00:29:52,524 --> 00:29:54,360
Are you guys thinking
what I'm thinking?
526
00:29:55,794 --> 00:29:58,130
- No more Spandex?
- No, sweetie.
527
00:29:58,230 --> 00:30:00,399
Well then, what honey?
528
00:30:00,499 --> 00:30:03,235
If you can't lick 'em, join 'em.
529
00:30:03,335 --> 00:30:05,137
- Who's getting licked?
- (CHUCKLES)
530
00:30:05,237 --> 00:30:07,173
- (PIANO MUSIC PLAYING)
- (CHEERING)
531
00:30:13,279 --> 00:30:15,982
♪ I'm gonna wash that man ♪
♪ right outta my hair ♪
532
00:30:16,082 --> 00:30:19,285
♪ I'm gonna wash that man ♪
♪ right outta my hair ♪
533
00:30:19,385 --> 00:30:22,454
♪ I'm gonna wash that man ♪
♪ right outta my hair ♪
534
00:30:22,554 --> 00:30:25,009
♪ And send him ♪
♪ on his way ♪
535
00:30:25,034 --> 00:30:26,116
(CHEERING)
536
00:30:26,192 --> 00:30:29,728
♪ I'm gonna wave that man ♪
♪ right outta my arms ♪
537
00:30:29,828 --> 00:30:32,198
♪ I'm gonna wave that man ♪
♪ right outta my arms ♪
538
00:30:32,298 --> 00:30:35,034
♪ I'm gonna wave that man ♪
♪ right outta my arms ♪
539
00:30:35,134 --> 00:30:38,470
♪ And send him on his way. ♪
540
00:30:42,274 --> 00:30:44,343
We are geniuses.
541
00:30:50,616 --> 00:30:52,518
Do you know where
the scissors are?
542
00:30:52,618 --> 00:30:55,021
I think they're in the
kitchen in the third drawer.
543
00:30:55,121 --> 00:30:57,556
- Okay.
- (KNOCKS)
544
00:30:57,656 --> 00:30:59,091
I spy your little eye.
545
00:31:00,626 --> 00:31:02,561
It's the bartender
from downstairs.
546
00:31:02,661 --> 00:31:06,598
- Hello? I can hear you.
- CONNIE: Give me that. Put it on.
547
00:31:06,698 --> 00:31:08,800
What's going on in there,
you can't say hi?
548
00:31:08,901 --> 00:31:11,070
CONNIE:
The guacamole.
549
00:31:11,170 --> 00:31:13,205
I can't hear them.
Should we go?
550
00:31:14,873 --> 00:31:17,376
- How're you doing?
- What's going on?
551
00:31:17,476 --> 00:31:19,711
- Welcome wagon.
- We live on the top floor.
552
00:31:19,912 --> 00:31:22,548
- Hi.
- Hey.
553
00:31:22,648 --> 00:31:26,218
Oh... dear,
girlfriends need a decorator.
554
00:31:32,925 --> 00:31:35,327
- Hi, I'm Paul.
- I'm Brian. My stage name's "Patty Melt."
555
00:31:36,762 --> 00:31:40,066
By day, I'm Robert.
This is my roommate, Lee.
556
00:31:40,166 --> 00:31:43,235
By night, we're a duo act
Peaches N' Cream.
557
00:31:43,335 --> 00:31:45,237
- I hate our name.
- I think it's beautiful.
558
00:31:45,337 --> 00:31:48,074
That's because you're the
Peaches part, I'm N' Cream.
559
00:31:48,174 --> 00:31:52,211
My name is N' Cream.
What does it even mean?
560
00:31:55,314 --> 00:31:57,816
- CARLA: That's really nice.
- Fabulous.
561
00:31:57,916 --> 00:32:00,419
Come, come on, come on, join us.
562
00:32:06,192 --> 00:32:08,194
All queens rise.
563
00:32:13,165 --> 00:32:15,467
O blessed Saint Mary
of Drag Queens,
564
00:32:15,567 --> 00:32:17,836
please grant your
never humble servants
565
00:32:17,936 --> 00:32:20,072
and our new friends with grace,
566
00:32:20,172 --> 00:32:22,108
jewels and support hose.
567
00:32:22,208 --> 00:32:24,843
- ALL: Gay-men.
- Gay-men.
568
00:32:24,943 --> 00:32:26,845
And bless me with a new name.
569
00:32:26,945 --> 00:32:28,847
- Hello?
- I don't even have a drag name.
570
00:32:28,947 --> 00:32:30,316
- Why not?
- What's up with that?
571
00:32:30,416 --> 00:32:32,851
I'm new, so I can't name myself.
572
00:32:32,951 --> 00:32:35,554
- You want N' Cream?
- No, thanks.
573
00:32:35,654 --> 00:32:37,123
- Rosemary Chicken.
- Eh.
574
00:32:37,223 --> 00:32:39,058
- Mary Queen of Shots?
- Uh-uh.
575
00:32:39,158 --> 00:32:41,393
- Estée Louder Harder Faster?
- What?
576
00:32:41,493 --> 00:32:44,896
- Ooh, can I borrow this?
- Hey, hey, what time is it?
577
00:32:44,997 --> 00:32:48,134
- 5:00-ish?
- The show.
578
00:32:48,234 --> 00:32:50,269
We have to shave...
everything.
579
00:32:50,369 --> 00:32:52,071
You're lucky
to be paid to perform.
580
00:32:52,171 --> 00:32:53,472
- Sorry?
- Excuse me?
581
00:32:53,572 --> 00:32:55,674
- What?
- ALL: Perform.
582
00:32:55,774 --> 00:32:58,544
There are very few paying
drag gigs in this town.
583
00:32:58,644 --> 00:33:01,347
I have to bartend at the
Handlebar, and it's beneath me.
584
00:33:01,447 --> 00:33:03,282
So, here it is.
585
00:33:03,382 --> 00:33:06,718
Have you ever thought about adding a
few fabulous friends to your show?
586
00:33:06,818 --> 00:33:09,388
If you need choreography, I
know fabulous dance steps.
587
00:33:09,488 --> 00:33:12,024
- I'm great with wigs.
- I can sew a dress in three hours.
588
00:33:12,124 --> 00:33:13,159
I'll lend you my jewels.
589
00:33:14,393 --> 00:33:17,729
Call us.
We could use the buck.
590
00:33:19,398 --> 00:33:21,700
- We'll give it some thought.
- Great.
591
00:33:21,800 --> 00:33:25,071
Excellent. Come on, you guys,
let's go clean our apartment.
592
00:33:25,171 --> 00:33:27,005
- For your brother?
- You invited him over?
593
00:33:27,106 --> 00:33:28,307
- Are you drunk?
- A little.
594
00:33:28,407 --> 00:33:30,209
Robert left home
when was just 16.
595
00:33:30,309 --> 00:33:33,079
- ROBERT: Brian!
- I'm glad I don't have a straight brother.
596
00:33:33,179 --> 00:33:36,115
Now, now, we mustn't be prejudiced,
straights are people too.
597
00:33:41,753 --> 00:33:43,489
Come on.
598
00:33:46,725 --> 00:33:49,461
Look at all the people, Carla.
599
00:33:51,163 --> 00:33:53,199
- (DOOR SLAMS)
- (BOTH SCREAM)
600
00:34:00,739 --> 00:34:03,942
♪ Don't tell me not to live, ♪
♪ just sit and putter ♪
601
00:34:04,042 --> 00:34:06,745
♪ Life's candy ♪
♪ and the sun's a ball of butter ♪
602
00:34:06,845 --> 00:34:11,950
♪ Don't bring around a cloud ♪
♪ to rain on my parade ♪
603
00:34:12,050 --> 00:34:15,087
♪ Don't tell me not to fly, ♪
♪ I've simply got to ♪
604
00:34:15,187 --> 00:34:17,823
♪ If someone takes a spill ♪
♪ it's me and not you ♪
605
00:34:17,923 --> 00:34:23,095
♪ Who told you you're allowed ♪
♪ to rain on my parade? ♪
606
00:34:23,195 --> 00:34:26,332
♪ I'm gonna live ♪
♪ and live now ♪
607
00:34:26,432 --> 00:34:29,535
♪ Get what I want, ♪
♪ I know how ♪
608
00:34:29,635 --> 00:34:32,804
♪ One roll ♪
♪ for the whole shebang ♪
609
00:34:32,904 --> 00:34:35,241
♪ One throw, that bell ♪
♪ will go clang ♪
610
00:34:35,341 --> 00:34:38,510
♪ Eye on the target ♪
♪ and wham ♪
611
00:34:38,610 --> 00:34:41,780
♪ One shot, one gunshot ♪
♪ and bam! ♪
612
00:34:41,880 --> 00:34:46,385
♪ Hey, Mr. Arnstein ♪
613
00:34:46,485 --> 00:34:53,359
♪ - Here I am! ♪
- (CHEERING) ♪
614
00:34:53,459 --> 00:34:59,398
♪ I'll march my band out ♪
615
00:34:59,498 --> 00:35:03,835
♪ I'll beat my drum ♪
616
00:35:03,935 --> 00:35:07,473
♪ And if I'm fanned out ♪
617
00:35:07,573 --> 00:35:10,276
♪ Your turn at bat, sir ♪
618
00:35:10,376 --> 00:35:14,146
♪ - At least I didn't fake it - ♪
♪ Hat, sir, I guess I didn't make it ♪
619
00:35:14,246 --> 00:35:16,748
♪ Get ready for me, love, ♪
♪ 'cause I'm a comer ♪
620
00:35:16,848 --> 00:35:19,551
♪ I've simply got to march, ♪
♪ my heart's a drummer ♪
621
00:35:19,651 --> 00:35:22,554
♪ Nobody, no, nobody ♪
622
00:35:22,654 --> 00:35:25,357
♪ Is gonna ♪
623
00:35:25,457 --> 00:35:28,294
♪ Rain on my ♪
624
00:35:28,394 --> 00:35:33,832
♪ - Parade... ♪
♪ - (CHEERING) ♪
625
00:35:44,943 --> 00:35:46,612
CONNIE:
Oh, shush.
626
00:35:47,846 --> 00:35:49,348
Oh, all right.
627
00:35:50,716 --> 00:35:52,551
Enough already.
628
00:35:52,651 --> 00:35:55,287
Yeah, that's right.
Yeah.
629
00:36:05,564 --> 00:36:08,867
- That looks great.
- I'm glamorizing our new look a bit.
630
00:36:08,967 --> 00:36:11,337
I mean, under the lights,
these could be great,
631
00:36:11,437 --> 00:36:13,138
especially on turns.
632
00:36:13,239 --> 00:36:15,474
- (BEADS CLATTERING)
- Woo, these could be dangerous.
633
00:36:15,574 --> 00:36:16,908
(LAUGHS)
Yeah.
634
00:36:18,744 --> 00:36:21,179
- Aw.
- What?
635
00:36:21,280 --> 00:36:24,283
It's just, it's great
to see you happy.
636
00:36:24,383 --> 00:36:26,718
Come on, admit it,
you do love the show.
637
00:36:26,818 --> 00:36:29,355
Yeah, it's a drag, pun intended.
638
00:36:29,455 --> 00:36:31,390
Hey, my plan worked.
639
00:36:33,191 --> 00:36:35,627
Yeah, I'm worried about
how well known we're getting.
640
00:36:35,727 --> 00:36:38,096
- Only in West Hollywood.
- And I miss...
641
00:36:38,196 --> 00:36:39,731
- Don't say Mikey.
- Boys.
642
00:36:39,831 --> 00:36:41,633
I miss boys
who like to kiss girls.
643
00:36:41,733 --> 00:36:44,470
Forget it, okay? Because
we have no time for losers
644
00:36:44,570 --> 00:36:46,838
and we can't blow our cover.
645
00:36:48,340 --> 00:36:51,243
Are you there?
I lost you.
646
00:36:51,343 --> 00:36:53,412
Now I hear ya.
Now I lost you.
647
00:36:54,580 --> 00:36:56,982
Robert, are you all right?
648
00:36:57,082 --> 00:36:59,285
Sure, I'm just going
to go meet my brother
649
00:36:59,385 --> 00:37:00,919
for the first time in 106 years.
650
00:37:01,019 --> 00:37:03,422
- Did you have a fight?
- ROBERT: No.
651
00:37:05,724 --> 00:37:09,395
Look, I haven't had
any contact with my family
652
00:37:09,495 --> 00:37:12,030
in a long time...
653
00:37:12,264 --> 00:37:14,300
My choice.
654
00:37:14,400 --> 00:37:17,336
Six months ago, I get a little
sentimental watching TV...
655
00:37:17,436 --> 00:37:19,137
Hallmark commercials.
656
00:37:19,237 --> 00:37:22,441
So I send my grandma
a birthday card
657
00:37:22,541 --> 00:37:24,843
with my return address
label on it.
658
00:37:26,278 --> 00:37:28,347
So then my brother
starts coming around,
659
00:37:28,447 --> 00:37:31,517
starts leaving me messages,
"Hey, let's be brothers again."
660
00:37:31,617 --> 00:37:33,952
- You don't want a brother?
- (SIGHS)
661
00:37:34,052 --> 00:37:36,288
He's just gonna hate me.
662
00:37:37,389 --> 00:37:38,390
No, he won't.
663
00:37:43,662 --> 00:37:46,398
Does he know
you dress with style?
664
00:37:46,498 --> 00:37:48,534
Yeah, I told him on the phone.
665
00:37:50,502 --> 00:37:52,538
I figured I'd go
without the ball gown,
666
00:37:52,638 --> 00:37:54,573
just to ease him into things.
667
00:37:58,410 --> 00:37:59,778
Let me see.
668
00:38:02,481 --> 00:38:05,884
There you go.
Blue is your best color.
669
00:38:05,984 --> 00:38:07,819
Thanks, sweetie.
670
00:39:14,986 --> 00:39:17,055
Well, this was a mistake.
671
00:39:26,131 --> 00:39:27,999
(GROANS)
672
00:39:28,099 --> 00:39:33,271
♪ You coax the blues ♪
♪ right out of the horn ♪
673
00:39:33,505 --> 00:39:35,040
♪ Mame ♪
674
00:39:35,140 --> 00:39:39,511
♪ You charm the husk ♪
♪ right off of the corn ♪
675
00:39:39,611 --> 00:39:42,113
- ♪ Mame... ♪
- Hello, Rudy, it's Tibor.
676
00:39:42,213 --> 00:39:46,418
- What do you got?
- I'm in St. Louis. They're not here.
677
00:39:46,518 --> 00:39:50,088
Hey, I'm down a kilo
and I'm up two witnesses!
678
00:39:50,188 --> 00:39:54,292
- Find them!
- ♪ ...Since you brought Dixie back to Dixieland ♪
679
00:39:54,392 --> 00:39:57,896
♪ You make the cotton ♪
♪ easy to pick... ♪
680
00:40:04,703 --> 00:40:06,872
- Oh, for God sake, what?
- What?
681
00:40:06,972 --> 00:40:09,374
What are you doing?
Following me?
682
00:40:09,475 --> 00:40:12,077
- Watching every move I make?
- I'm not watching you.
683
00:40:12,177 --> 00:40:14,680
I just thought it would be
fun to hang out.
684
00:40:14,780 --> 00:40:16,214
- Why?
- Why not?
685
00:40:16,414 --> 00:40:17,583
- Why?
- Why not?
686
00:40:17,683 --> 00:40:18,917
- Grow up.
- You grow up.
687
00:40:19,017 --> 00:40:20,118
- You grow up.
- Make me.
688
00:40:26,291 --> 00:40:28,794
At least do some
shopping yourself.
689
00:40:30,962 --> 00:40:32,498
Please.
690
00:40:33,865 --> 00:40:36,201
- Mom likes irises too.
- Save it for Dr. Phil.
691
00:40:36,434 --> 00:40:38,069
Okay.
692
00:40:38,169 --> 00:40:39,938
- Hi, Mrs. Phillips.
- Hi, Mrs. Phillips.
693
00:40:40,038 --> 00:40:41,439
Hello.
694
00:40:41,540 --> 00:40:43,842
I thought it'd be nice to
spend a beautiful Saturday...
695
00:40:43,942 --> 00:40:46,177
Why this sudden interest
in my after all this time?
696
00:40:46,277 --> 00:40:50,549
For a long time, I couldn't
find you, remember?
697
00:40:50,649 --> 00:40:54,886
And I think I'm gonna
marry someone.
698
00:40:54,986 --> 00:40:57,789
And if that's gonna happen,
I want you to be there.
699
00:41:01,459 --> 00:41:02,728
Oh...
700
00:41:08,767 --> 00:41:11,469
Come on, I need cheese.
701
00:41:13,238 --> 00:41:15,073
- Are you sure?
- Yeah, yeah.
702
00:41:15,173 --> 00:41:17,976
- (PHONE RINGS)
- Oh.
703
00:41:18,076 --> 00:41:21,079
- That's my girlfriend.
- Take it, I'll see if they're home.
704
00:41:22,247 --> 00:41:23,815
(KNOCKS)
705
00:41:23,915 --> 00:41:26,117
ROBERT:
Bonjour, my filles...
706
00:41:27,519 --> 00:41:29,487
c'est moi.
707
00:41:29,588 --> 00:41:31,790
- Hello.
- Sorry, sorry.
708
00:41:31,890 --> 00:41:33,559
Ouvre la porte.
709
00:41:34,960 --> 00:41:36,227
- Here, your hair.
- I got it.
710
00:41:36,327 --> 00:41:37,863
- Get your robe.
- Take it with you.
711
00:41:37,963 --> 00:41:39,998
- Get a robe, get a robe.
- Here it is, take that.
712
00:41:40,098 --> 00:41:41,833
I hear running.
713
00:41:44,970 --> 00:41:47,072
- How're you doing?
- What's going on?
714
00:41:47,172 --> 00:41:50,609
Wow, good look.
(CHUCKLES)
715
00:41:51,877 --> 00:41:54,112
So how's it going
with your brother?
716
00:41:54,212 --> 00:41:56,514
Jeff!
717
00:41:58,516 --> 00:42:00,552
I'll call you later.
718
00:42:10,862 --> 00:42:15,133
Jeff, these are my girlfriends,
the "Connie and Carla."
719
00:42:15,233 --> 00:42:18,203
Hi, Jeff, welcome to the dollhouse.
Want me to condition your hair?
720
00:42:18,303 --> 00:42:21,206
No, I ran a cream rinse through
it this morning, so I'm good.
721
00:42:21,306 --> 00:42:23,809
So, I'll take a rain check.
722
00:42:23,909 --> 00:42:24,810
(SNAPS)
723
00:42:24,910 --> 00:42:27,078
You all work
at the Handlebar too?
724
00:42:27,178 --> 00:42:29,014
- Oh, yeah, we all work there.
- Work?
725
00:42:29,114 --> 00:42:32,217
Jeff, these broads have transformed
that dive into a legit cabaret.
726
00:42:32,317 --> 00:42:34,052
I wish I was in that show.
727
00:42:34,152 --> 00:42:35,587
- Hint.
- All right.
728
00:42:35,687 --> 00:42:36,722
- Hint.
- We heard you.
729
00:42:36,822 --> 00:42:38,590
- Hint.
- Back off.
730
00:42:38,690 --> 00:42:40,458
All right, get out of my way.
731
00:42:40,659 --> 00:42:42,160
Let's get out of here.
732
00:42:42,260 --> 00:42:44,562
Oh, hello.
733
00:42:44,663 --> 00:42:47,633
- Hi, I'm Brian, this is Paul and Lee.
- I'm Robert's best friend.
734
00:42:47,733 --> 00:42:49,200
- His what?
- Best friend.
735
00:42:49,300 --> 00:42:51,569
- He's also my roommate.
- Come see my apartment.
736
00:42:51,670 --> 00:42:53,739
- No, ours.
- Down, girls, down.
737
00:42:53,839 --> 00:42:55,874
Are you hungry?
You like fish sticks?
738
00:42:55,974 --> 00:42:58,543
I make them Filipino style.
They taste just like chicken.
739
00:42:58,644 --> 00:43:00,145
- (SIGHS)
- Oh my God.
740
00:43:00,245 --> 00:43:02,580
Oh, I like him.
741
00:43:02,681 --> 00:43:04,883
I saw him before
when were still girls.
742
00:43:04,983 --> 00:43:07,485
He was standing out front.
We had this moment, Carla.
743
00:43:07,585 --> 00:43:11,757
- He was nice to me.
- What are you talking about?
744
00:43:11,857 --> 00:43:15,293
Right. Why would he ever
be attracted to me?
745
00:43:15,393 --> 00:43:17,062
- I'm a drag queen.
- No...
746
00:43:17,162 --> 00:43:20,799
- you can't blow our cover for some guy.
- Oh, yeah, I know.
747
00:43:20,899 --> 00:43:23,001
I know.
748
00:43:23,101 --> 00:43:24,803
I know.
(GROANS)
749
00:43:32,778 --> 00:43:34,813
- Thanks.
- Have a good show tonight.
750
00:43:34,913 --> 00:43:37,515
Stanley, we want to add
some friends to the act.
751
00:43:37,615 --> 00:43:40,385
You got to get a food license
and expand this place.
752
00:43:40,485 --> 00:43:44,255
Here's my plan. We're adding more
leg, you got to add legroom.
753
00:43:44,355 --> 00:43:46,524
What would that cost?
754
00:43:46,624 --> 00:43:47,959
I'll add up some figures.
755
00:43:48,059 --> 00:43:50,161
Excuse me, I'll be back.
756
00:43:51,362 --> 00:43:53,131
- What are you doing?
- What?
757
00:43:53,231 --> 00:43:56,067
This show is our destiny waiting
to happen... dinner theater.
758
00:43:56,167 --> 00:43:58,303
We can't expand.
We'll get even more well known
759
00:43:58,403 --> 00:44:00,638
and word will travel
straight to those killers.
760
00:44:00,739 --> 00:44:03,008
- They're not looking for drag queens.
- How do you know?
761
00:44:03,108 --> 00:44:05,043
They're serious,
they have connections.
762
00:44:05,143 --> 00:44:07,813
They haven't found us. They're
not connected to this world.
763
00:44:07,913 --> 00:44:10,281
- We're safe, we're drag queens.
- You're a freak.
764
00:44:10,381 --> 00:44:12,250
Yeah, and you're
a freak with me.
765
00:44:12,350 --> 00:44:16,788
♪ You coax the blues ♪
♪ right out of the horn ♪
766
00:44:16,888 --> 00:44:19,290
♪ Mame... ♪
767
00:44:19,390 --> 00:44:22,093
TIBOR: No, no, yes, no, no,
Rudy, I'm telling you,
768
00:44:22,193 --> 00:44:25,330
I have seen almost everything on Broadway.
They're not in it.
769
00:44:25,430 --> 00:44:28,734
I saw "Gypsy" last night.
They're not there.
770
00:44:28,834 --> 00:44:30,401
I saw "Rent,"
771
00:44:30,501 --> 00:44:32,804
which was surprising
to be so poignant,
772
00:44:32,904 --> 00:44:35,573
with a narrative added to
by emotional performances
773
00:44:35,673 --> 00:44:37,675
which bring the audiences
into the story.
774
00:44:37,776 --> 00:44:40,846
Intimate story? Intimate story,
I got an intimate story.
775
00:44:40,946 --> 00:44:44,515
- I'm gonna kill you if you don't...
- Okay, okay, okay.
776
00:44:44,716 --> 00:44:46,284
I have good news.
777
00:44:46,384 --> 00:44:50,321
I got a ticket
to the matinee of "Hairspray."
778
00:44:50,421 --> 00:44:51,923
Hello?
779
00:44:52,023 --> 00:44:54,860
LEE: Five, six, seven, eight.
780
00:44:54,960 --> 00:44:57,662
And knee up and hands at your side.
Chickapow.
781
00:44:57,763 --> 00:44:59,630
Charleston, Charleston.
782
00:44:59,831 --> 00:45:01,632
Downstage, do-si-do.
783
00:45:01,833 --> 00:45:02,868
- Let it...
- Ow.
784
00:45:02,968 --> 00:45:04,803
- ROBERT: Carla!
- What? He pushed me.
785
00:45:04,903 --> 00:45:06,738
- I am a trained dancer.
- Yeah, right.
786
00:45:06,838 --> 00:45:09,674
Connie, Carla, move more like this.
Hide all your masculinity.
787
00:45:09,775 --> 00:45:12,811
- Chickapow.
- No one fall on me this time, I'm delicate.
788
00:45:12,911 --> 00:45:15,313
- All right, Crystal Decanter.
- That's not my name.
789
00:45:15,413 --> 00:45:17,282
- How about Patty, like me, Patty Cake?
- No.
790
00:45:17,382 --> 00:45:18,984
- Patty O'Furniture.
- No.
791
00:45:19,084 --> 00:45:20,752
- Patty Pooper.
- No.
792
00:45:20,852 --> 00:45:23,889
- (CHUCKLES) - Great, can
we all please dance now?
793
00:45:23,989 --> 00:45:26,391
What's this? Why do you
wear a bra during the day?
794
00:45:30,728 --> 00:45:32,263
Well, if you must know,
795
00:45:32,363 --> 00:45:34,265
being in drag helps us
practice our moves.
796
00:45:37,102 --> 00:45:39,270
Good falsies.
What do you use?
797
00:45:39,370 --> 00:45:40,972
None of your beeswax.
798
00:45:46,878 --> 00:45:49,881
They're really good. You
should all have a feel.
799
00:45:54,752 --> 00:45:57,789
- Supple. Good.
- ROBERT: Oh, they are good.
800
00:45:57,889 --> 00:46:00,325
Hmm.
801
00:46:00,425 --> 00:46:02,160
- BRIAN: Back to work.
- Okay then.
802
00:46:06,531 --> 00:46:08,800
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
No way! Put it back.
803
00:46:08,900 --> 00:46:11,436
No. Whoa, I don't have
this kind of money.
804
00:46:11,536 --> 00:46:13,204
Stanley, here's my plan.
805
00:46:13,304 --> 00:46:14,973
You only have
to do 80% capacity,
806
00:46:15,073 --> 00:46:17,108
you'll make it back
within three months.
807
00:46:17,208 --> 00:46:19,344
All you gotta to pay out now
is the construction.
808
00:46:19,444 --> 00:46:20,778
I got it all under control.
809
00:46:20,879 --> 00:46:23,448
Sir? Hi, we've talked
about this.
810
00:46:23,548 --> 00:46:26,584
Yeah, the tables have to be
this high, right? Right.
811
00:46:26,784 --> 00:46:28,686
Why?
Stanley, look at me.
812
00:46:28,786 --> 00:46:31,022
I'm eating my surf-n-turf.
Watching a terrific show.
813
00:46:31,122 --> 00:46:33,925
Eating, watching. Dinner, theater.
See, dinner theater?
814
00:46:34,025 --> 00:46:35,961
Where do you think the
TV dinner came from?
815
00:46:36,061 --> 00:46:39,064
- Right, Carla?
- Uh, yeah. This high.
816
00:46:40,932 --> 00:46:43,701
Stanley?
Come on.
817
00:46:43,935 --> 00:46:46,137
ALL: Stanley?
818
00:46:46,237 --> 00:46:48,940
ALL: Stanley.
819
00:46:50,608 --> 00:46:52,978
- I'll get a loan from my mother.
- (CHEERS)
820
00:46:53,078 --> 00:46:55,580
(WHISTLES, CHEERING)
821
00:47:00,852 --> 00:47:04,422
♪ Life is a cabaret, ♪
♪ ol' chum ♪
822
00:47:04,522 --> 00:47:08,059
♪ Only a cabaret, ♪
♪ ol' chum ♪
823
00:47:08,159 --> 00:47:09,594
♪ So come to ♪
824
00:47:09,827 --> 00:47:16,167
♪ The cabaret. ♪
825
00:47:19,837 --> 00:47:21,372
(CHEERS, APPLAUSE)
826
00:47:25,276 --> 00:47:28,213
- BOTH: Whoa!
- Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
827
00:47:28,313 --> 00:47:30,982
- I should watch where I'm going.
- That's okay, doll.
828
00:47:34,685 --> 00:47:36,687
I'm Connie.
I met you.
829
00:47:36,922 --> 00:47:38,789
Oh, yeah.
830
00:47:38,890 --> 00:47:40,725
I'm here to take
Robert out for lunch.
831
00:47:40,959 --> 00:47:42,393
Just... you know.
832
00:47:42,493 --> 00:47:44,395
That's nice.
833
00:47:46,464 --> 00:47:48,266
Well, he's my brother.
834
00:47:48,366 --> 00:47:51,436
So... taking him out...
taking him out to lunch.
835
00:47:53,071 --> 00:47:55,640
- Well, you're nice.
- You're nice, too.
836
00:47:58,977 --> 00:48:01,612
I mean, uh...
you know...
837
00:48:01,712 --> 00:48:04,015
Hello!
I'll be right down.
838
00:48:06,417 --> 00:48:09,154
- What?
- (SOFTLY) Aiyiyi.
839
00:48:09,254 --> 00:48:13,258
I have to go to the show
after lunch, so I dressed.
840
00:48:13,358 --> 00:48:15,226
Is there a problem?
841
00:48:15,326 --> 00:48:16,594
Jeff?
842
00:48:18,964 --> 00:48:23,068
- You want to cancel?
- No! No, no, no.
843
00:48:23,168 --> 00:48:25,603
- I'll be right down.
- Oh, boy.
844
00:48:27,738 --> 00:48:29,907
Take him to the Tube
around the corner.
845
00:48:30,008 --> 00:48:32,810
The owner's one of us.
People won't stare as much.
846
00:48:33,011 --> 00:48:35,680
- Thank you.
- Sure.
847
00:48:37,182 --> 00:48:38,483
You like my garbage?
848
00:48:38,583 --> 00:48:41,286
Um... a little bit.
849
00:48:41,386 --> 00:48:43,321
Anything good in there?
850
00:48:46,958 --> 00:48:47,959
Hey, sweetie.
851
00:48:49,727 --> 00:48:51,596
- Robert.
- Nails.
852
00:48:52,930 --> 00:48:54,932
Nails.
853
00:48:59,370 --> 00:49:02,507
♪ You coax the blues ♪
♪ right out of the horn ♪
854
00:49:02,607 --> 00:49:05,110
♪ Mame ♪
855
00:49:05,210 --> 00:49:09,580
- ♪ You charm the husk right
off of the corn ♪ - (PHONE RINGS)
856
00:49:09,680 --> 00:49:11,216
- ♪ Mame ♪
- RUDY: Tibor!
857
00:49:11,316 --> 00:49:13,151
- Mama's pizza.
- Knock it off.
858
00:49:13,251 --> 00:49:16,121
- You're telling me you found them, right?
- No, not yet.
859
00:49:16,221 --> 00:49:19,290
- Come on.
- Maybe you put someone at Mexico border
860
00:49:19,390 --> 00:49:21,526
- to search for their car?
- That's a great idea.
861
00:49:21,626 --> 00:49:24,729
I'll put somebody at the
Canadian border and we can put...
862
00:49:24,829 --> 00:49:28,733
(SINGING ALONG)
♪ You make the cotton easy to pick ♪
863
00:49:28,966 --> 00:49:31,236
♪ Mame ♪
864
00:49:31,336 --> 00:49:35,540
♪ You give my old ♪
♪ mint julep a kick ♪
865
00:49:35,640 --> 00:49:37,508
♪ Mame ♪
866
00:49:37,608 --> 00:49:44,249
♪ You make the old magnolia tree blossom ♪
♪ with the mention of your name ♪
867
00:49:44,349 --> 00:49:47,352
♪ You make me ♪
♪ feel alive again ♪
868
00:49:47,452 --> 00:49:50,655
♪ You given me ♪
♪ the drive again ♪
869
00:49:50,755 --> 00:49:53,591
♪ To make the South ♪
♪ alive again ♪
870
00:49:53,691 --> 00:49:56,594
♪ Mame. ♪
871
00:50:13,811 --> 00:50:16,214
- (GRUNTS)
- Whoa, Nelly.
872
00:50:16,314 --> 00:50:18,116
- You okay?
- Yeah, are you okay?
873
00:50:18,216 --> 00:50:19,684
Yeah, padding.
874
00:50:19,784 --> 00:50:22,320
- Oh.
- Yeah.
875
00:50:22,420 --> 00:50:23,921
Robert's out having a manicure.
876
00:50:24,122 --> 00:50:25,623
- Oh.
- Mm-hmm.
877
00:50:25,723 --> 00:50:28,126
- Here, here.
- Oh.
878
00:50:28,226 --> 00:50:30,628
- Want to come over?
- What?
879
00:50:30,728 --> 00:50:34,065
No, no, no, I have something...
880
00:50:34,165 --> 00:50:35,533
I have some...
I have a...
881
00:50:35,633 --> 00:50:38,636
I got a prior commitment.
882
00:50:38,736 --> 00:50:40,838
No problem.
883
00:50:41,038 --> 00:50:43,441
(SIGHS)
884
00:50:43,541 --> 00:50:45,243
Um...
885
00:50:45,343 --> 00:50:49,447
you know, the other day when
I said that you were nice?
886
00:50:49,547 --> 00:50:51,849
I meant it, you are very nice.
887
00:50:52,049 --> 00:50:54,385
I just meant it in a...
888
00:50:56,053 --> 00:50:58,156
a friendly way.
889
00:50:58,256 --> 00:51:00,958
I'm not gay.
890
00:51:01,058 --> 00:51:04,329
- Neither am I.
- What?
891
00:51:04,429 --> 00:51:07,398
Nothing, it's complicated.
892
00:51:08,533 --> 00:51:10,168
- I bet.
- Mm-hmm.
893
00:51:10,268 --> 00:51:13,771
- All right, all right.
- Okay, good.
894
00:51:13,871 --> 00:51:15,840
- All right, okay.
- See ya.
895
00:51:17,342 --> 00:51:19,510
Hey, do straight guys
drink coffee?
896
00:51:30,321 --> 00:51:33,691
- What do you do for a living?
- How long you been a drag queen?
897
00:51:33,791 --> 00:51:36,161
- Sorry.
- I'm sorry, I just...
898
00:51:36,261 --> 00:51:37,795
I've never...
899
00:51:37,895 --> 00:51:41,699
known a cross-dressing
person before.
900
00:51:41,799 --> 00:51:45,170
- You know your brother.
- Oh yeah... no...
901
00:51:45,270 --> 00:51:47,772
- it's been a long time.
- Yeah, it's hard.
902
00:51:47,872 --> 00:51:50,007
It's hard, but I'm
a bit of an optimist.
903
00:51:50,107 --> 00:51:52,410
- Me too.
- I'm stubborn. I don't give up.
904
00:51:54,279 --> 00:51:57,382
I wasn't always
in a successful show.
905
00:51:57,482 --> 00:52:00,685
And I had this friend,
906
00:52:00,785 --> 00:52:03,588
he told me to give up.
907
00:52:03,688 --> 00:52:05,423
He called me a dreamer.
908
00:52:06,891 --> 00:52:10,561
- That's not very nice.
- Yeah.
909
00:52:10,661 --> 00:52:12,530
Well...
910
00:52:16,301 --> 00:52:18,803
(HUMMING)
911
00:52:23,208 --> 00:52:25,343
- I got to go.
- Okay.
912
00:52:25,443 --> 00:52:27,178
I just want to know
why you do it.
913
00:52:27,278 --> 00:52:30,548
Why you like to dress up,
you guys.
914
00:52:31,982 --> 00:52:33,984
- Oh...
- I'm sorry, that's personal.
915
00:52:34,185 --> 00:52:36,153
No, that's okay.
916
00:52:37,222 --> 00:52:39,257
It's kinda like this...
917
00:52:39,357 --> 00:52:43,294
It's like dressing
how you feel inside.
918
00:52:43,394 --> 00:52:46,163
You know?
You know what, Jeff?
919
00:52:46,264 --> 00:52:48,766
I haven't known your brother
for very long, but I think...
920
00:52:48,866 --> 00:52:51,469
I mean, I think he's happy.
921
00:52:52,970 --> 00:52:54,572
We've only got one life.
922
00:52:54,672 --> 00:52:57,675
It's just strange that my
brother's out getting a manicure.
923
00:52:57,775 --> 00:53:00,578
- What, haven't you ever had one?
- Oh God, no.
924
00:53:00,678 --> 00:53:02,680
You live in LA.
Everybody gets their...
925
00:53:02,780 --> 00:53:06,150
- backs waxed, and things plucked...
- I don't pluck.
926
00:53:06,251 --> 00:53:08,686
I-I never...
I've never been plucked...
927
00:53:08,786 --> 00:53:10,488
And I don't do manicures.
928
00:53:10,588 --> 00:53:12,523
- CONNIE: Relax your hand.
- I'm relaxed.
929
00:53:12,623 --> 00:53:14,459
Wait, look at it,
it's like a claw.
930
00:53:14,559 --> 00:53:15,793
Okay, I'm relaxed.
931
00:53:15,893 --> 00:53:18,062
- Open.
- No polish, though.
932
00:53:18,329 --> 00:53:20,565
Deal.
933
00:53:24,935 --> 00:53:26,504
And?
934
00:53:26,604 --> 00:53:28,205
Nothing.
935
00:53:28,306 --> 00:53:29,774
Oh come on, spill it.
936
00:53:31,342 --> 00:53:33,244
Only because we're
talking guy to guy.
937
00:53:33,344 --> 00:53:36,247
- Right.
- I've been seeing this woman.
938
00:53:36,347 --> 00:53:39,484
- You got a girlfriend.
- I'm going to propose.
939
00:53:39,584 --> 00:53:42,987
We're at that stage where I
should make a commitment, but...
940
00:53:43,087 --> 00:53:45,523
I'm not really sure if we're
right for one another.
941
00:53:45,623 --> 00:53:47,258
She doesn't make me laugh.
942
00:53:47,358 --> 00:53:50,728
You got to get out. You gotta pull
the cord on that mission. Abort!
943
00:53:50,828 --> 00:53:54,265
That could be me being afraid
to take it to the next level.
944
00:53:54,365 --> 00:53:58,403
I had this girlfriend once who told me
I had issues about getting too close.
945
00:54:00,971 --> 00:54:02,507
I stopped talking to her.
946
00:54:05,242 --> 00:54:07,812
Have you told
your girlfriend about Robert?
947
00:54:07,912 --> 00:54:09,647
No.
948
00:54:09,747 --> 00:54:11,549
- But you're going to?
- Oh yeah.
949
00:54:14,018 --> 00:54:15,520
No.
950
00:54:16,621 --> 00:54:17,522
Maybe.
951
00:54:20,925 --> 00:54:23,361
No.
952
00:54:25,496 --> 00:54:28,165
I've really got to go now.
This was fun.
953
00:54:28,265 --> 00:54:31,402
I've never missed a day of work.
I work all the time.
954
00:54:31,502 --> 00:54:33,871
- Oh yeah.
- But it's nice just to hang out.
955
00:54:33,971 --> 00:54:35,506
Thanks for the manicure.
956
00:54:35,606 --> 00:54:38,343
- Don't tell anybody.
- Okay.
957
00:54:42,447 --> 00:54:44,181
(SIGHS)
958
00:54:44,281 --> 00:54:47,284
LEE: Aren't you nervous? How can
you eat at a time like this?
959
00:54:47,385 --> 00:54:50,688
I can't believe it! Hoy! Is
there lipstick on my teeth?
960
00:54:50,788 --> 00:54:52,790
- No.
- Liar!
961
00:54:52,890 --> 00:54:54,258
(LAUGHING)
Let's go.
962
00:54:54,359 --> 00:54:55,926
- Chickapow!
- Chickapow!
963
00:54:59,997 --> 00:55:01,832
Where were you today?
964
00:55:04,535 --> 00:55:07,037
- Hm?
- You were supposed to meet me.
965
00:55:08,873 --> 00:55:10,975
I thought we were
gonna go shopping.
966
00:55:18,015 --> 00:55:20,918
You know, Carla, maybe we should
watch our weight a little.
967
00:55:21,018 --> 00:55:25,356
We practically need olive oil to
grease the zippers on these costumes.
968
00:55:25,456 --> 00:55:28,693
What?! Don't go
all LA on me, Connie.
969
00:55:28,793 --> 00:55:31,929
All these women come to
our show and idolize us
970
00:55:32,029 --> 00:55:35,466
because as men, we have better
female self-esteem than they do.
971
00:55:36,567 --> 00:55:38,268
Boy, you have some nerve.
972
00:55:38,469 --> 00:55:39,870
- You all right?
- No!
973
00:55:39,970 --> 00:55:42,807
I was at that mall
all day by myself, Connie.
974
00:55:42,907 --> 00:55:44,509
People stared at me.
975
00:55:44,609 --> 00:55:46,276
I felt naked.
976
00:55:46,377 --> 00:55:48,813
I can't hide out
like this much longer.
977
00:55:48,913 --> 00:55:50,848
I need to get
out of this closet!
978
00:55:50,948 --> 00:55:53,283
- Well, you can't!
- (SIGHS)
979
00:55:53,484 --> 00:55:54,885
Come on, let's go.
980
00:55:56,854 --> 00:56:00,391
A polar bear walks into a bar
and says, "I'll have a..."
981
00:56:00,491 --> 00:56:03,327
...beer."
Bartender says,
982
00:56:03,428 --> 00:56:05,396
"What's with big pause?"
983
00:56:05,496 --> 00:56:07,632
And the polar bear says,
984
00:56:07,732 --> 00:56:09,800
- "Always had 'em."
- (CROWD GROANING)
985
00:56:09,900 --> 00:56:12,703
- MAN: You suck!
- You're outta here, Brad!
986
00:56:12,803 --> 00:56:15,673
All right, well,
please welcome...
987
00:56:15,773 --> 00:56:18,208
Connie and Carla
and the Belles of the Balls!
988
00:56:18,409 --> 00:56:20,645
(CHEERING)
989
00:56:20,745 --> 00:56:23,047
("LET ME ENTERTAIN YOU"
PLAYING)
990
00:56:27,985 --> 00:56:29,286
♪ Let me ♪
991
00:56:29,487 --> 00:56:30,788
♪ Entertain you ♪
992
00:56:32,056 --> 00:56:35,660
♪ Let me make you smile ♪
993
00:56:35,760 --> 00:56:39,096
♪ Let me do a few tricks, some ♪
♪ old and then some new tricks ♪
994
00:56:39,196 --> 00:56:43,300
♪ I'm very versatile ♪
995
00:56:43,400 --> 00:56:47,337
♪ And if you're real good, ♪
♪ I'll make you feel good ♪
996
00:56:47,438 --> 00:56:51,876
♪ I want your spirits ♪
♪ to climb ♪
997
00:56:51,976 --> 00:56:53,844
♪ So let me ♪
998
00:56:53,944 --> 00:56:55,713
♪ Entertain you ♪
999
00:56:55,813 --> 00:56:59,950
♪ And we'll have ♪
♪ a real good time, yes, sir ♪
1000
00:57:00,050 --> 00:57:03,521
♪ We'll have ♪
♪ a real good time. ♪
1001
00:57:03,621 --> 00:57:05,990
(CHEERING)
1002
00:57:09,660 --> 00:57:12,697
Ladies and gentlemen,
good evening.
1003
00:57:12,797 --> 00:57:14,599
Welcome to the show.
1004
00:57:14,699 --> 00:57:17,802
- Aren't we all divine?
- (CHEERS)
1005
00:57:17,902 --> 00:57:21,706
- Here's the show we have planned for you tonight.
- Wait, wait, stop!
1006
00:57:24,709 --> 00:57:27,512
I have an announcement to make.
1007
00:57:29,580 --> 00:57:32,182
- It's time you all knew.
- (SOFTLY) Carla, don't.
1008
00:57:32,449 --> 00:57:34,552
I...
1009
00:57:34,652 --> 00:57:38,055
am...
1010
00:57:38,155 --> 00:57:39,824
an eater!
1011
00:57:39,924 --> 00:57:41,926
(CHEERS)
1012
00:57:42,026 --> 00:57:43,928
That's right,
ladies and gentlemen,
1013
00:57:44,028 --> 00:57:46,831
and soon we're gonna be
a full-service dinner theater.
1014
00:57:46,931 --> 00:57:48,799
This is what America needs...
1015
00:57:48,899 --> 00:57:52,603
To eat and watch a show
where real women are real women.
1016
00:57:52,703 --> 00:57:55,573
- (CHEERS) - If you're
naturally slim, fine, okay,
1017
00:57:55,673 --> 00:57:58,142
but come on! Starving
ourselves to get thin?
1018
00:57:58,242 --> 00:58:01,211
No hips, no breasts, until we
look just like little boys.
1019
00:58:01,311 --> 00:58:04,915
Girlfriends, big or small,
1020
00:58:05,015 --> 00:58:07,652
thin or fat, worship that body!
1021
00:58:07,752 --> 00:58:09,520
It's the only one you've got.
1022
00:58:09,620 --> 00:58:12,222
(CHEERING)
1023
00:58:13,490 --> 00:58:14,825
Hit it!
1024
00:58:14,925 --> 00:58:17,394
♪ So ♪
1025
00:58:17,595 --> 00:58:20,130
♪ Let me entertain you ♪
1026
00:58:20,230 --> 00:58:24,702
♪ And we'll have ♪
♪ a real good time, yes, sir ♪
1027
00:58:24,802 --> 00:58:26,871
♪ We'll have ♪
1028
00:58:26,971 --> 00:58:32,076
♪ - A real good... ♪
♪ - A real good time! ♪
1029
00:58:39,950 --> 00:58:41,652
Good night, Stanley.
1030
00:58:41,752 --> 00:58:43,988
- Ow!
- (GRUNTS)
1031
00:58:44,088 --> 00:58:46,423
- (CHUCKLES)
- JEFF: Oy...
1032
00:58:46,523 --> 00:58:48,926
(CHUCKLING)
Oh man...
1033
00:58:53,530 --> 00:58:54,665
Here you go.
1034
00:58:56,100 --> 00:58:57,568
Thank you.
1035
00:59:02,973 --> 00:59:04,274
Cotton absorbs.
1036
00:59:09,680 --> 00:59:11,582
Uh...
1037
00:59:14,418 --> 00:59:17,588
I'm surprised they don't
market it like that.
1038
00:59:17,688 --> 00:59:19,757
Mm-hmm...
1039
00:59:19,857 --> 00:59:21,626
(SPITS)
1040
00:59:23,560 --> 00:59:25,730
I-I'm looking for Robert.
1041
00:59:25,830 --> 00:59:28,532
His cell phone is off.
Uh, is he in there?
1042
00:59:28,633 --> 00:59:30,200
No, she's gone.
You missed our show.
1043
00:59:30,300 --> 00:59:34,004
I'm not ready to see that yet...
No offense about your job.
1044
00:59:34,104 --> 00:59:37,141
None taken. I'm not itching to
come and watch you flip burgers.
1045
00:59:37,241 --> 00:59:39,677
I'm a financial advisor.
1046
00:59:39,777 --> 00:59:42,546
Of course. I can smell
the stress on you.
1047
00:59:42,647 --> 00:59:45,249
I'm not as uptight
as you think I am.
1048
00:59:45,349 --> 00:59:48,619
Yes, you are.
1049
00:59:48,719 --> 00:59:51,021
- (LOUD MUSIC PLAYING)
- (CHATTERING)
1050
00:59:55,993 --> 00:59:58,362
Hey, bartender!
I'm thirsty!
1051
00:59:58,595 --> 01:00:00,064
Hey, why are you...
1052
01:00:00,164 --> 01:00:03,567
Why are you different when you're
away from the other drag queens?
1053
01:00:03,668 --> 01:00:05,936
- What do you mean?
- It's like there's some kind of
1054
01:00:06,036 --> 01:00:08,272
drag queen code of behavior
or something, you know,
1055
01:00:08,372 --> 01:00:10,975
it's like...
1056
01:00:11,075 --> 01:00:15,880
"Stripes? Mary, Holy Martha
Stewart's Prison Collection!"
1057
01:00:15,980 --> 01:00:19,750
I-I-I got three words
for you, Miss Thing.
1058
01:00:19,850 --> 01:00:22,186
No, no, no and...
1059
01:00:22,286 --> 01:00:24,188
"Four words... yesterday!"
1060
01:00:24,288 --> 01:00:27,224
- (LAUGHING) - That's ridiculous!
What is that?
1061
01:00:27,324 --> 01:00:31,328
What... what...
What was that?
1062
01:00:31,428 --> 01:00:35,265
Oh please, don't make me do it
again, I think I pulled something.
1063
01:00:35,365 --> 01:00:38,268
I wanna figure it out.
I really do. I mean, are you...
1064
01:00:39,704 --> 01:00:41,271
What's the thrill?
Are you hiding?
1065
01:00:41,371 --> 01:00:43,273
- Actually, I am hiding.
- Yeah?
1066
01:00:43,373 --> 01:00:46,677
Some murderers are after me, and
I'm hiding out as a drag queen.
1067
01:00:46,777 --> 01:00:49,680
Really, really. I'm asking you really.
I'd like to know.
1068
01:00:49,780 --> 01:00:51,916
I wanna figure this whole thing out.
I mean...
1069
01:00:52,016 --> 01:00:54,719
Is this the real you?
Or are you...
1070
01:00:54,819 --> 01:00:56,721
Playing dress-up?
1071
01:00:56,821 --> 01:01:00,090
Do you understand?
Are you playing dress-up?
1072
01:01:00,190 --> 01:01:03,660
Or is this the real you?
1073
01:01:03,761 --> 01:01:06,363
I don't think you could
handle the real me.
1074
01:01:06,463 --> 01:01:08,766
You'd be all,
"Oh, I want my mommy!"
1075
01:01:08,866 --> 01:01:11,201
(BOTH LAUGH)
1076
01:01:13,337 --> 01:01:14,872
- Uh-uh.
- It's true.
1077
01:01:14,972 --> 01:01:17,074
So a real woman
doesn't scare you?
1078
01:01:17,174 --> 01:01:20,110
No! But, Connie,
you're not...
1079
01:01:20,210 --> 01:01:23,347
- a real woman.
- Oh, you'd be surprised, baby.
1080
01:01:23,447 --> 01:01:25,916
I know your type.
You like uptight girls.
1081
01:01:26,016 --> 01:01:28,886
That is not true.
That is so not true.
1082
01:01:28,986 --> 01:01:30,487
- Really?
- Yeah.
1083
01:01:30,687 --> 01:01:32,222
Am I your type?
1084
01:01:36,693 --> 01:01:39,764
- Sure. Yeah.
- You think I'm attractive?
1085
01:01:42,266 --> 01:01:46,136
Connie, I've never seen
you out of drag, but...
1086
01:01:46,236 --> 01:01:50,207
I have to say that as a broad,
you're a real looker.
1087
01:01:50,307 --> 01:01:52,810
Ah.
(LAUGHS)
1088
01:01:52,910 --> 01:01:54,845
Can I get another one please?
1089
01:02:03,453 --> 01:02:05,255
(GAGS)
1090
01:02:14,999 --> 01:02:18,402
TIBOR: I have been to dinner theaters
in Idaho, to cabarets in Kansas...
1091
01:02:18,502 --> 01:02:20,771
I have watched every show
in this whole country.
1092
01:02:20,871 --> 01:02:24,008
Connie and Carla
have disappeared.
1093
01:02:34,484 --> 01:02:36,921
AL: You're just mad because
Connie didn't call you.
1094
01:02:37,021 --> 01:02:38,989
Get it through
that chunk-a-head of yours:
1095
01:02:39,089 --> 01:02:41,491
Connie and Carla...
They're gone!
1096
01:02:43,427 --> 01:02:44,829
RUDY: Hey!
1097
01:02:47,031 --> 01:02:49,066
Sorry, Mr. Rudy.
1098
01:02:49,166 --> 01:02:51,135
Who are you?
1099
01:02:51,235 --> 01:02:53,703
I'm Al.
I'm new.
1100
01:02:53,904 --> 01:02:56,907
What's your problem, Al?
1101
01:02:57,007 --> 01:03:00,945
Mikey. His girlfriend
took off on him and...
1102
01:03:01,045 --> 01:03:03,180
th-that's all.
1103
01:03:06,483 --> 01:03:08,785
I love a good story.
1104
01:03:11,021 --> 01:03:13,223
So... where are
Connie and Carla?
1105
01:03:13,323 --> 01:03:15,159
Ah, we don't know.
1106
01:03:15,259 --> 01:03:17,394
But Mikey says he got
a hang-up call last night.
1107
01:03:17,494 --> 01:03:20,497
Caller-ID said area code 323.
1108
01:03:20,597 --> 01:03:22,466
- Los Angeles.
- Oh.
1109
01:03:22,566 --> 01:03:24,234
What a story.
1110
01:03:24,334 --> 01:03:27,838
Listen, you guys are useless
to me here like this.
1111
01:03:27,938 --> 01:03:30,941
What I want you to do is I
want you to go out there,
1112
01:03:31,041 --> 01:03:32,977
and I want you
to find your girls.
1113
01:03:33,077 --> 01:03:35,179
- (CHUCKLES) Are you serious?
- And when you do,
1114
01:03:35,279 --> 01:03:37,314
call me.
1115
01:03:37,414 --> 01:03:39,216
(CHUCKLES)
1116
01:03:40,450 --> 01:03:42,987
- Why?
- I gotta know how it ends.
1117
01:03:43,087 --> 01:03:46,223
(CHUCKLES)
Mr. Rudy...
1118
01:03:46,323 --> 01:03:48,292
oh, thank you.
Thanks.
1119
01:03:52,429 --> 01:03:54,331
Follow that idiot.
1120
01:04:03,107 --> 01:04:06,410
Uh... I already saw you.
1121
01:04:06,510 --> 01:04:08,378
Hello? I...
1122
01:04:08,478 --> 01:04:10,314
Hey!
1123
01:04:10,414 --> 01:04:12,482
- Wait!
- Look, I'm not...
1124
01:04:12,582 --> 01:04:15,485
- I know you're not. It was a mistake.
- A big mistake.
1125
01:04:15,585 --> 01:04:19,389
- Can't we be friends?
- No. No, we can't.
1126
01:04:19,489 --> 01:04:22,126
I mean, I-I... I don't
have time for this.
1127
01:04:22,226 --> 01:04:25,395
This whole thing, okay?
It's not normal.
1128
01:04:35,940 --> 01:04:39,309
Don't you think it's weird, Mr. Rudy
giving us this cash to come out?
1129
01:04:39,409 --> 01:04:43,347
- He cares about me.
- Since when?
1130
01:04:43,447 --> 01:04:46,316
- I'm not sure.
- There's some things about Mr. Rudy
1131
01:04:46,416 --> 01:04:49,920
that might surprise you.
I heard some stuff.
1132
01:04:51,221 --> 01:04:53,223
- What did I do?
- Did you find a map?
1133
01:05:01,665 --> 01:05:03,600
- (HORN HONKS)
- Want a ride?
1134
01:05:12,009 --> 01:05:13,710
You missed rehearsal
this morning.
1135
01:05:13,910 --> 01:05:16,080
Ugh, Carla, please.
1136
01:05:16,180 --> 01:05:17,814
I just got dumped.
1137
01:05:17,914 --> 01:05:19,950
What are you talking about?
1138
01:05:20,050 --> 01:05:23,053
How could I not know?
What, the straight guy?
1139
01:05:23,153 --> 01:05:27,124
Yeah, but he thinks I'm a guy, so
it's over before it even started.
1140
01:05:31,495 --> 01:05:33,463
Isn't that Jeff?
1141
01:05:33,563 --> 01:05:36,233
Oh yeah, that's interesting.
1142
01:05:41,972 --> 01:05:43,407
(ENGINE SHUTS OFF)
1143
01:05:43,507 --> 01:05:46,576
- It's Jeff? Are you crazy?
- Why the throat?!
1144
01:05:46,676 --> 01:05:50,147
- You must be out of your mind!
- Your knee is in my coochie!
1145
01:05:50,247 --> 01:05:52,016
- Get off!
- Are you sick?
1146
01:05:52,116 --> 01:05:55,352
Do you have a death wish? Why would
you take a chance on exposing us?
1147
01:05:55,452 --> 01:05:57,454
He'll talk about it
to Robert. She'll talk.
1148
01:05:57,554 --> 01:06:00,124
People will talk! Then those
guys will find and kill us.
1149
01:06:00,224 --> 01:06:03,560
Your voice is giving me mono!
Nothing happened! Back off!
1150
01:06:03,660 --> 01:06:05,129
(GASPS)
1151
01:06:08,132 --> 01:06:10,200
You yelled at me.
1152
01:06:10,300 --> 01:06:14,271
We're fighting. We never fight.
What's happening to us?
1153
01:06:14,371 --> 01:06:16,040
We're having
a nervous breakdown.
1154
01:06:16,140 --> 01:06:18,208
Maybe we're having
a delayed reaction
1155
01:06:18,308 --> 01:06:21,611
- to the trauma of being shot at, like those guys in 'Nam.
- You can't say "'Nam."
1156
01:06:21,711 --> 01:06:24,048
You weren't in "'Nam"!
You have to call it Vietnam!
1157
01:06:24,148 --> 01:06:25,649
Shut up! I can call it
what I want.
1158
01:06:25,749 --> 01:06:28,352
Oh God, I kissed Jeff,
I kissed Jeff
1159
01:06:28,452 --> 01:06:31,021
and I want to kiss him again
without my wig!
1160
01:06:31,121 --> 01:06:32,522
You can't, Connie!
You can't!
1161
01:06:32,622 --> 01:06:35,025
- You did?
- Just my luck.
1162
01:06:35,125 --> 01:06:37,627
I meet the guy of my dreams
and he's straight.
1163
01:06:37,727 --> 01:06:40,897
Look at us! We're ridiculous.
I can't do this anymore.
1164
01:06:40,997 --> 01:06:43,167
Shut up, Connie!
We're in this because of you.
1165
01:06:43,267 --> 01:06:47,371
It was your idea to borrow money for new costumes
even though you knew Frank was a gangster.
1166
01:06:47,471 --> 01:06:50,107
So because of you,
we saw him get killed.
1167
01:06:50,207 --> 01:06:52,609
And then we... yes we...
Got shot at.
1168
01:06:52,709 --> 01:06:56,580
Shot at with real guns. And that
white powder? That was cocaine.
1169
01:06:56,680 --> 01:06:59,783
You got us mixed up with some
real criminals... murderers.
1170
01:06:59,883 --> 01:07:03,487
And it was your stupid idea to be drag
queens and now we're in hiding for life
1171
01:07:03,587 --> 01:07:07,691
as women dressed as men dressed as
women, so shut up! Shut up! Shut up!
1172
01:07:13,297 --> 01:07:14,631
I...
1173
01:07:14,731 --> 01:07:16,300
You've been weird.
1174
01:07:18,535 --> 01:07:19,903
Cut it out.
1175
01:07:20,170 --> 01:07:22,339
Okay.
1176
01:07:27,744 --> 01:07:29,313
I'm sorry.
1177
01:07:36,186 --> 01:07:37,854
BRIAN:
Girls, we need help!
1178
01:07:37,954 --> 01:07:39,823
- Girls! Open the door!
- (BANGING)
1179
01:07:39,923 --> 01:07:43,593
- Peaches and Jeff are fighting. Come on!
- Let's go quick!
1180
01:07:43,693 --> 01:07:46,630
You won't even go inside.
1181
01:07:46,730 --> 01:07:49,233
You won't dare to look
at the show.
1182
01:07:49,333 --> 01:07:51,368
I've asked you and asked you.
You won't do it.
1183
01:07:51,468 --> 01:07:55,372
Robert, I have invested days and energy
in this relationship. I'm trying.
1184
01:07:55,472 --> 01:07:58,442
But you gotta give me a break.
1185
01:07:58,542 --> 01:08:00,710
It's hard for me
to see you like this.
1186
01:08:00,810 --> 01:08:03,147
You can't pick and choose
the parts of me...
1187
01:08:04,248 --> 01:08:06,183
that don't make you
sick to your stomach.
1188
01:08:07,684 --> 01:08:10,387
You can't have half a
relationship with me, Jeff.
1189
01:08:15,259 --> 01:08:17,127
Jeff?
1190
01:08:17,227 --> 01:08:18,762
JEFF:
Oh my God.
1191
01:08:18,862 --> 01:08:20,764
What are you...
What are you doing here?
1192
01:08:20,864 --> 01:08:24,634
- It's not what you think...
- Jeff, I can see that.
1193
01:08:24,734 --> 01:08:27,003
- So this is what you've been up to?
- No...
1194
01:08:27,103 --> 01:08:29,406
Sneaking around when you
said you were working?
1195
01:08:29,506 --> 01:08:31,475
(WHISPERS)
That's his girlfriend.
1196
01:08:31,575 --> 01:08:33,577
- I thought you were seeing other women.
- No, Mary.
1197
01:08:33,677 --> 01:08:35,412
Her name is Mary.
1198
01:08:35,512 --> 01:08:37,314
Jeff?
1199
01:08:39,249 --> 01:08:41,451
Introduce me to your girlfriend.
1200
01:08:47,657 --> 01:08:49,293
Mary...
1201
01:08:50,727 --> 01:08:52,629
this is Robert...
1202
01:08:54,130 --> 01:08:55,599
my brother.
1203
01:09:01,205 --> 01:09:03,373
- Oh...
- CONNIE: Okay...
1204
01:09:03,473 --> 01:09:06,142
we're gonna give you guys
some privacy.
1205
01:09:09,879 --> 01:09:11,615
Jeff, they're freaks.
1206
01:09:25,495 --> 01:09:27,264
(HUFFS)
1207
01:09:52,289 --> 01:09:54,190
(SIGHS)
1208
01:10:00,330 --> 01:10:03,633
She's fine, he's fine, everything's
all right. Let's leave her alone.
1209
01:10:03,733 --> 01:10:06,102
- Maybe a glass of water.
- My heart's pounding.
1210
01:10:06,202 --> 01:10:07,937
I thought she was
gonna kill that girl.
1211
01:10:08,037 --> 01:10:10,106
The one who should
watch out is that Jeff.
1212
01:10:10,206 --> 01:10:12,809
I'm going to knock him into
next week, I swear to God.
1213
01:10:12,909 --> 01:10:14,811
(CONNIE SIGHS)
1214
01:10:22,652 --> 01:10:24,688
(SIGHS)
1215
01:10:28,458 --> 01:10:30,894
Ouch, you know?
1216
01:10:33,963 --> 01:10:35,565
Yeah.
1217
01:10:38,635 --> 01:10:39,969
Christ.
1218
01:10:44,708 --> 01:10:46,343
Let's eat.
1219
01:10:46,443 --> 01:10:48,578
(LAUGHING)
1220
01:10:48,678 --> 01:10:50,680
And he wouldn't stop
asking me questions.
1221
01:10:50,780 --> 01:10:53,317
It was like I was
Professor Cross-Dresser.
1222
01:10:53,417 --> 01:10:56,286
Like he says, "Why are
you called drag queens?"
1223
01:10:56,386 --> 01:10:59,323
Nobody's being dragged.
You're not dragging anything."
1224
01:10:59,423 --> 01:11:01,257
- It comes from Shakespeare.
- Really?
1225
01:11:01,358 --> 01:11:02,992
Yeah, he'd write
so-and-so enters
1226
01:11:03,092 --> 01:11:05,729
and in the margin, he'd put
the initials D-R-A-G...
1227
01:11:05,829 --> 01:11:07,831
So-and-so enters
dressed as a girl.
1228
01:11:07,931 --> 01:11:10,834
Drag, okay, Shakespeare,
1229
01:11:10,934 --> 01:11:13,002
- how about "Ophelia Up"?
- No.
1230
01:11:13,102 --> 01:11:14,771
- (CHUCKLES)
- Wanda DeCountryside?
1231
01:11:14,871 --> 01:11:16,806
- It's not me.
- Devoida Talent?
1232
01:11:16,906 --> 01:11:19,042
- Stop it
- (LAUGHING)
1233
01:11:19,142 --> 01:11:21,177
BRIAN:
I like Wanda DeCountryside.
1234
01:11:21,277 --> 01:11:23,447
What are you looking here for?
That's your side.
1235
01:11:23,547 --> 01:11:26,983
- Turn around, look over there.
- (CHATTERING)
1236
01:11:34,123 --> 01:11:36,192
Come by later
if you want to talk.
1237
01:11:36,292 --> 01:11:38,995
Oh, sweetie,
I am all talked out.
1238
01:11:45,034 --> 01:11:47,437
Hey?
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
1239
01:11:51,174 --> 01:11:54,578
- You okay?
- Yeah, I got guy problems.
1240
01:11:54,678 --> 01:11:56,513
Oh, sweetie.
1241
01:11:59,315 --> 01:12:00,517
Come on.
1242
01:12:03,920 --> 01:12:06,222
Welcome to
"What's Up, LA?"
1243
01:12:06,322 --> 01:12:09,092
A dinner theater
that's full of drag queens?
1244
01:12:09,192 --> 01:12:12,228
- Holy stockings! Gorgeous...
- ...ice cream sundae.
1245
01:12:12,328 --> 01:12:13,830
- Connie and Carla.
- (GASPS)
1246
01:12:13,930 --> 01:12:16,500
There you are. If you could
spare us five minutes...
1247
01:12:16,600 --> 01:12:19,002
- (SCREAMING) - Tell how
you've become such a big hit
1248
01:12:19,102 --> 01:12:21,371
in West Hollywood.
Just tell us something.
1249
01:12:21,471 --> 01:12:23,973
Don't be shy,
you've made a big splash.
1250
01:12:24,073 --> 01:12:27,377
- It's just a local station.
- Our viewers are dying to know you.
1251
01:12:27,477 --> 01:12:31,515
- Okay.
- Connie and Carla, what makes you the best drag queens ever?
1252
01:12:31,615 --> 01:12:33,617
(SNAPS) Honey, we
do our own singing.
1253
01:12:33,717 --> 01:12:36,019
No lip-synching
for us, toots.
1254
01:12:36,119 --> 01:12:39,623
We do all your favorite show tunes
wrapped in a delicious dinner.
1255
01:12:41,157 --> 01:12:42,659
That was a big mistake.
1256
01:12:42,759 --> 01:12:45,261
We've been flirting with
disaster since we went on stage.
1257
01:12:45,361 --> 01:12:46,696
- Carla! Connie.
- (SCREAMS)
1258
01:12:46,796 --> 01:12:48,932
- What are you doing here?
- What's going on?
1259
01:12:49,032 --> 01:12:51,367
- How did you find us?
- How come you're a guy now?
1260
01:12:51,468 --> 01:12:53,603
Connie, I think a lot
of people just saw that.
1261
01:12:53,703 --> 01:12:56,706
But it's local news, there's no way
that Russian or Rudy guy saw it.
1262
01:12:56,806 --> 01:12:58,942
- Mr. Rudy, our boss.
- You work for Rudy?
1263
01:12:59,042 --> 01:13:00,877
- He sent us to find you.
- (SCREAMS)
1264
01:13:00,977 --> 01:13:03,279
- Why? What the hell?
- Tell Rudy we want to live.
1265
01:13:03,379 --> 01:13:05,715
We're not going to tell
anybody he killed poor Frank.
1266
01:13:05,815 --> 01:13:07,817
- Wait, he killed Frank?
- Yeah.
1267
01:13:07,917 --> 01:13:10,319
- You should listen to the guys.
- We saw him kill Frank.
1268
01:13:10,420 --> 01:13:11,655
- To death.
- What happened?
1269
01:13:11,755 --> 01:13:14,023
Rudy knows you're in LA.
We've got to get out of town.
1270
01:13:14,123 --> 01:13:16,626
We can't, the official
opening is tomorrow night.
1271
01:13:16,726 --> 01:13:19,295
We can't let everybody down,
they're depending on us.
1272
01:13:19,395 --> 01:13:22,766
- We can't do that to Stanley.
- Why'd you cheat on me, Mikey?
1273
01:13:22,866 --> 01:13:25,401
I didn't, Carla, ever.
1274
01:13:25,502 --> 01:13:27,571
Al just made that up
'cause he was mad at Connie.
1275
01:13:27,671 --> 01:13:31,007
Come on, Carla,
don't go be a guy.
1276
01:13:31,107 --> 01:13:33,643
You don't understand, Mikey,
I like doing the show.
1277
01:13:33,743 --> 01:13:35,912
I'm good at it. I like
being Carla and Connie.
1278
01:13:36,012 --> 01:13:38,882
- "Connie and Carla."
- How come your name's always first?
1279
01:13:38,982 --> 01:13:40,650
- It sounds better.
- This is serious.
1280
01:13:40,750 --> 01:13:42,452
- We know.
- So, let's go already.
1281
01:13:42,552 --> 01:13:44,921
I need time to think. Your
voice is giving me shingles.
1282
01:13:45,021 --> 01:13:46,756
We need time. Connie's
gonna make a plan.
1283
01:13:46,856 --> 01:13:48,958
- I'm gonna make a plan.
- She's gonna make a plan.
1284
01:13:49,058 --> 01:13:51,928
Fine, call us at this motel, room
209, first thing in the morning.
1285
01:13:52,028 --> 01:13:53,730
- Want to stay over?
- Yeah...
1286
01:13:53,830 --> 01:13:55,331
- Carla, let's go.
- Call me.
1287
01:13:55,431 --> 01:13:57,233
- Connie, miss me? Yeah, you did.
- CONNIE: No.
1288
01:13:57,433 --> 01:14:00,604
Rudy, I find them.
1289
01:14:00,704 --> 01:14:01,838
(KNOCKS)
1290
01:14:03,773 --> 01:14:05,374
- I'm an ass.
- (SCOFFS)
1291
01:14:05,475 --> 01:14:08,211
I should've seen your show and
told my girlfriend about you.
1292
01:14:08,311 --> 01:14:10,547
I should have just loved
you and accepted you
1293
01:14:10,647 --> 01:14:13,016
and been okay with the fact
that you wear dresses.
1294
01:14:16,720 --> 01:14:18,888
I'm sorry, Robbie.
1295
01:14:27,731 --> 01:14:29,933
It's just that when you left
home it was hard on me.
1296
01:14:30,033 --> 01:14:33,002
I was 12 years old. I wake up
one morning, you're just gone.
1297
01:14:33,102 --> 01:14:36,740
- You didn't call me, you never even wrote to me.
- I got kicked out.
1298
01:14:40,510 --> 01:14:43,613
- What? No...
- Mom and Dad kicked me out.
1299
01:14:43,713 --> 01:14:46,182
They found my bra.
1300
01:14:46,282 --> 01:14:48,518
You thought I left?
1301
01:14:50,687 --> 01:14:52,622
- Yeah...
- (SIGHS)
1302
01:15:00,797 --> 01:15:03,399
Whatever happened,
1303
01:15:03,633 --> 01:15:05,635
Mom regrets it.
1304
01:15:05,735 --> 01:15:09,472
- She does?
- Oh, yeah. Dad too.
1305
01:15:09,573 --> 01:15:13,009
- (SCOFFS)
- (CHUCKLES)
1306
01:15:13,109 --> 01:15:14,878
No, they want to see you.
1307
01:15:17,513 --> 01:15:19,983
Jeff, for the first time
in my life I like who I am.
1308
01:15:21,217 --> 01:15:23,953
Forget it.
1309
01:15:24,053 --> 01:15:26,823
I just... I don't know.
1310
01:15:26,923 --> 01:15:29,726
I want to be part of your life.
1311
01:15:36,633 --> 01:15:38,534
I'll say hi to Mom
and Dad for you.
1312
01:15:41,738 --> 01:15:44,107
- And Grandma too.
- Okay.
1313
01:16:03,092 --> 01:16:05,729
Oh and, Jeff, just a heads up,
1314
01:16:05,829 --> 01:16:08,598
my roommate, N' Cream
1315
01:16:08,698 --> 01:16:10,466
is on a tear to kick your ass.
1316
01:16:10,566 --> 01:16:13,903
N' Cream, the...?
Oh, the little...
1317
01:16:14,003 --> 01:16:15,171
Yeah, the...
1318
01:16:18,374 --> 01:16:20,744
- Tell him to bring it.
- Make a joke, I warned you.
1319
01:16:20,844 --> 01:16:23,780
- Thanks for the warning.
- Go, go, go.
1320
01:16:26,916 --> 01:16:28,151
(KNOCKS)
1321
01:16:30,386 --> 01:16:33,356
- Hi.
- Hi.
1322
01:16:35,659 --> 01:16:38,728
- Robert's not here.
- I know, I just came from up there.
1323
01:16:38,828 --> 01:16:41,130
- Uh-huh.
- About the other night, I wanted to...
1324
01:16:41,230 --> 01:16:44,067
Yeah.
How's Mary?
1325
01:16:44,167 --> 01:16:48,037
We talked about things
for hours.
1326
01:16:48,137 --> 01:16:50,439
It's not good, I mean
the relationship, it's...
1327
01:16:50,674 --> 01:16:52,275
We broke up.
1328
01:16:55,344 --> 01:16:57,580
Oh...
1329
01:16:57,681 --> 01:16:59,282
I wanted to apologize to you.
1330
01:17:02,251 --> 01:17:05,321
You're not freaks,
you're not a freak.
1331
01:17:05,421 --> 01:17:07,290
I hated seeing you hurt.
1332
01:17:08,992 --> 01:17:10,994
Thanks, Jeff.
1333
01:17:11,094 --> 01:17:14,630
I have fun when I'm
with you... all of you.
1334
01:17:17,667 --> 01:17:20,169
- It's just, I'm not...
- I know, you told me.
1335
01:17:20,269 --> 01:17:21,938
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
1336
01:17:30,880 --> 01:17:33,683
- Bye.
- Bye.
1337
01:17:43,492 --> 01:17:45,628
MAN:
Good morning, LA.
1338
01:17:45,729 --> 01:17:47,363
Looking at the freeways,
three cars
1339
01:17:47,463 --> 01:17:49,632
have gotten together
on the 101 at Winnetka...
1340
01:17:49,733 --> 01:17:53,469
Mikey, Connie
and Carla will call.
1341
01:17:53,703 --> 01:17:55,171
I know.
1342
01:17:58,541 --> 01:18:00,443
- WOMAN: Sahara Motel.
- Hi, room 209.
1343
01:18:00,543 --> 01:18:03,179
- I'll connect you.
- (PHONE RINGS)
1344
01:18:03,279 --> 01:18:04,347
- Hello?
- Hi, Al.
1345
01:18:04,447 --> 01:18:06,282
- Connie.
- We're coming...
1346
01:18:06,382 --> 01:18:08,317
- Rudy's on his way.
- What?
1347
01:18:08,417 --> 01:18:11,254
- He's gonna kill us all. We gotta get out of here.
- Okay, bye.
1348
01:18:11,354 --> 01:18:14,357
Mikey talked to a guy from work. Rudy's
on his way to LA. We've got to go.
1349
01:18:14,457 --> 01:18:16,325
No.
1350
01:18:16,425 --> 01:18:19,362
Carla, we're going to die.
1351
01:18:19,462 --> 01:18:21,931
I'm so sorry for dragging
you into this mess.
1352
01:18:22,031 --> 01:18:23,800
I love this mess.
1353
01:18:23,900 --> 01:18:26,302
Thank you for dragging me...
Pun intended.
1354
01:18:27,937 --> 01:18:31,107
Who says they're gonna
find us in this big city?
1355
01:18:31,207 --> 01:18:34,811
Would they be looking
for a couple of queens?
1356
01:18:34,911 --> 01:18:38,114
HERE'S MY PLAN: We launch the show.
We stay for one night.
1357
01:18:38,214 --> 01:18:40,917
The audience sees how great
the guys are and they come back,
1358
01:18:41,017 --> 01:18:43,887
- and Stanley doesn't lose any money.
- That's a good plan.
1359
01:18:43,987 --> 01:18:45,421
I know.
1360
01:18:47,290 --> 01:18:48,858
(LAUGHS)
1361
01:18:50,726 --> 01:18:52,128
One night.
1362
01:18:56,432 --> 01:18:58,201
One last show.
1363
01:18:59,969 --> 01:19:02,338
- Okay?
- Okay.
1364
01:19:15,018 --> 01:19:17,320
I've been thinking, we
should have the guys enter
1365
01:19:17,420 --> 01:19:19,923
from the back of the house
on "Good Morning, Starshine."
1366
01:19:20,023 --> 01:19:22,926
WOMAN: Oh honey, if you're
gonna enter from the house,
1367
01:19:23,026 --> 01:19:25,929
you've gotta do it
on "76 Trombones."
1368
01:19:26,029 --> 01:19:27,831
- (BOTH SCREAM)
- Debbie Reynolds!
1369
01:19:27,931 --> 01:19:30,066
(BOTH)
Hi, hi, hi.
1370
01:19:30,166 --> 01:19:32,701
Hello there, hello there.
1371
01:19:32,802 --> 01:19:34,670
Somebody put a letter
in my mailbox.
1372
01:19:34,770 --> 01:19:37,106
I found your house
on the star map.
1373
01:19:37,206 --> 01:19:40,343
You know you've got a pretty hot
idea here... a dinner theater.
1374
01:19:40,443 --> 01:19:42,812
- Oh.
- Will you please be in our show?
1375
01:19:42,912 --> 01:19:46,015
Will you? We open tonight, so there's
not a lot of time to rehearse.
1376
01:19:46,115 --> 01:19:49,986
Oh, honey, I've got sheet
music and gorgeous gowns
1377
01:19:50,086 --> 01:19:52,889
and a good underwire bra.
I could go on now.
1378
01:19:52,989 --> 01:19:54,423
(BOTH SQUEAL, LAUGH)
1379
01:19:54,523 --> 01:19:56,459
So chins up, boobs out,
it's show time.
1380
01:19:56,559 --> 01:19:57,660
(SCREAMS)
1381
01:19:57,894 --> 01:19:59,795
(HONKS)
1382
01:20:08,905 --> 01:20:10,974
(APPLAUSE)
1383
01:20:17,180 --> 01:20:18,814
Thank you.
1384
01:20:20,149 --> 01:20:22,218
Ladies and gentlemen,
I'd like to welcome you
1385
01:20:22,318 --> 01:20:25,421
to the official opening
of Stanley's Dinner Theater...
1386
01:20:29,558 --> 01:20:31,861
We love you, Stanley.
1387
01:20:38,401 --> 01:20:39,502
Thank you.
1388
01:20:41,971 --> 01:20:44,974
And now please say hello
to the Belles of the Balls
1389
01:20:45,074 --> 01:20:48,177
and the one, the only
Connie and Carla!
1390
01:20:53,716 --> 01:20:56,285
- Oh, sit back, sweets.
- It's just us.
1391
01:20:56,385 --> 01:21:00,756
- Have we got a show for you.
- I hope you brought a change of panties, 'cause...
1392
01:21:00,856 --> 01:21:04,527
♪ I'm just a girl ♪
♪ who cain't say no ♪
1393
01:21:04,627 --> 01:21:07,596
♪ I'm in a turrible fix ♪
1394
01:21:07,696 --> 01:21:11,500
♪ I always say ♪
♪ come on, let's go ♪
1395
01:21:11,600 --> 01:21:14,037
♪ Just when ♪
♪ I oughta say nix ♪
1396
01:21:14,137 --> 01:21:17,907
♪ When a person tries ♪
♪ to kiss a girl ♪
1397
01:21:18,007 --> 01:21:20,476
♪ I know she ought ♪
♪ to give his face a smack ♪
1398
01:21:20,576 --> 01:21:21,810
- Smack.
- Smack.
1399
01:21:21,911 --> 01:21:25,181
♪ But as soon ♪
♪ as someone kisses me ♪
1400
01:21:25,281 --> 01:21:31,120
♪ I somehow sorta want ♪
♪ to kiss 'em back. ♪
1401
01:21:33,422 --> 01:21:35,391
Ladies and gentleman,
please welcome
1402
01:21:35,491 --> 01:21:38,094
our very special guest,
1403
01:21:38,194 --> 01:21:41,130
Ms. Debbie Reynolds.
1404
01:21:41,230 --> 01:21:43,366
(CHEERING)
1405
01:21:45,034 --> 01:21:48,171
♪ There are worse ♪
♪ things I could do ♪
1406
01:21:48,271 --> 01:21:50,173
♪ Doo-wop ♪
1407
01:21:50,273 --> 01:21:54,043
♪ Than go with a boy or two ♪
1408
01:21:54,143 --> 01:21:56,245
♪ Two-wop ♪
1409
01:21:56,345 --> 01:21:59,448
♪ Even though ♪
♪ the neighborhood ♪
1410
01:21:59,548 --> 01:22:02,185
♪ - Thinks I'm trashy and no ♪
♪ good - Ooh, she's no good ♪
1411
01:22:02,285 --> 01:22:05,121
♪ I suppose it could be true ♪
1412
01:22:05,221 --> 01:22:08,591
♪ - But there's worse things ♪
♪ I could do - Wop. ♪
1413
01:22:13,729 --> 01:22:15,564
- ♪ Memory ♪
- (MEOWING)
1414
01:22:15,664 --> 01:22:18,901
♪ All alone ♪
♪ in the moonlight ♪
1415
01:22:19,002 --> 01:22:22,238
♪ I can smile ♪
♪ at the old days ♪
1416
01:22:22,338 --> 01:22:24,940
- Police! Drop the cat.
- ♪ I was beautiful then. ♪
1417
01:22:25,041 --> 01:22:27,243
On your knees, hands in the air.
1418
01:22:27,343 --> 01:22:30,713
♪ Kiss today goodbye ♪
1419
01:22:33,149 --> 01:22:37,053
♪ The sweetness ♪
♪ and the sorrow ♪
1420
01:22:39,522 --> 01:22:46,362
♪ We did what ♪
♪ we had to do ♪
1421
01:22:49,798 --> 01:22:52,635
♪ Won't forget, ♪
♪ can't regret ♪
1422
01:22:52,735 --> 01:22:59,108
♪ What I did for love ♪
1423
01:23:00,243 --> 01:23:06,149
♪ What I did for love ♪
1424
01:23:06,249 --> 01:23:11,620
♪ What I did for love. ♪
1425
01:23:53,028 --> 01:23:56,065
♪ Good morning, Starshine ♪
1426
01:23:56,165 --> 01:24:00,203
♪ The earth says hello ♪
1427
01:24:00,303 --> 01:24:03,072
♪ You twinkle above us ♪
1428
01:24:03,172 --> 01:24:05,474
♪ We twinkle below... ♪
1429
01:24:05,574 --> 01:24:08,111
Oh my God, I can't believe
it, what are we going to do?
1430
01:24:08,211 --> 01:24:09,478
(SCREAMS)
1431
01:24:09,578 --> 01:24:13,949
♪ Good morning, Starshine, ♪
♪ you lead us along ♪
1432
01:24:14,049 --> 01:24:15,618
- ♪ My love and me ♪
- (SCREAMS)
1433
01:24:15,718 --> 01:24:18,621
♪ As we sing ♪
1434
01:24:18,721 --> 01:24:22,125
♪ Our early morning ♪
♪ singing song. ♪
1435
01:24:22,225 --> 01:24:24,793
(AUDIENCE CLAPS ALONG,
CHEERING)
1436
01:24:24,893 --> 01:24:29,232
♪ You coax the blues ♪
♪ right out of the horn ♪
1437
01:24:29,332 --> 01:24:31,467
♪ Mame ♪
1438
01:24:31,567 --> 01:24:35,538
♪ You charm the husk ♪
♪ right off of the corn ♪
1439
01:24:35,638 --> 01:24:37,506
♪ Mame ♪
1440
01:24:37,606 --> 01:24:40,743
♪ You've got ♪
♪ the banjos strumming ♪
1441
01:24:40,843 --> 01:24:44,113
♪ And plunkin' out a tune ♪
♪ to beat the band... ♪
1442
01:24:44,213 --> 01:24:46,549
- (SCREAMS)
- TIBOR: Come here!
1443
01:24:46,649 --> 01:24:48,351
(SCREAMS, GASPS)
1444
01:24:49,585 --> 01:24:51,254
CONNIE: Okay.
1445
01:24:51,354 --> 01:24:53,989
- (COUGHING) - You've got
something that's mine.
1446
01:24:54,089 --> 01:24:55,591
- You killed poor Frank.
- You did!
1447
01:24:55,691 --> 01:24:57,826
- Let them go, Mr. Rudy.
- Get lost.
1448
01:25:00,763 --> 01:25:03,832
- Kick it, girls.
- ♪ Mame
1449
01:25:03,932 --> 01:25:06,769
- Let's go, ladies.
- Oh no.
1450
01:25:06,869 --> 01:25:08,271
(GRUNTS)
1451
01:25:08,371 --> 01:25:10,506
♪ Mame. ♪
1452
01:25:10,606 --> 01:25:13,108
- (LAUGHTER)
- Take care of the Debbie.
1453
01:25:13,209 --> 01:25:15,311
I loved you in "What's
the Matter With Helen?"
1454
01:25:15,411 --> 01:25:18,314
- (GROANING)
- (GRUNTING, SCREAMING)
1455
01:25:24,387 --> 01:25:25,388
(SCREAMS)
1456
01:25:25,488 --> 01:25:26,689
(LAUGHING)
1457
01:25:29,458 --> 01:25:31,660
(YELLING)
1458
01:25:33,696 --> 01:25:36,165
You screwed up the number,
you bastard!
1459
01:25:39,902 --> 01:25:41,670
Ow, ow, ow...
1460
01:25:43,906 --> 01:25:45,408
(CHEERING)
1461
01:25:48,811 --> 01:25:50,646
(ALL SCREAMING)
1462
01:25:50,746 --> 01:25:53,148
- Get up.
- No.
1463
01:26:06,295 --> 01:26:07,763
(GIRLS WHIMPERING)
1464
01:26:10,633 --> 01:26:11,734
Beads.
1465
01:26:11,834 --> 01:26:12,868
Hey!
1466
01:26:17,573 --> 01:26:19,842
PAUL:
Get them!
1467
01:26:21,310 --> 01:26:22,745
(CHEERING)
1468
01:26:24,179 --> 01:26:25,248
LEE:
You guys are bad!
1469
01:26:26,315 --> 01:26:28,317
Police!
Everybody freeze!
1470
01:26:32,855 --> 01:26:35,190
- These are the bad guys.
- The bad guys.
1471
01:26:35,291 --> 01:26:39,094
- You got to take them away.
- COP: All right, ladies, we'll take it from here.
1472
01:26:39,194 --> 01:26:42,365
- He killed fat man!
- He had a gland problem.
1473
01:26:42,465 --> 01:26:45,167
- COP: Cuff 'em.
- You're horrible. How do you like it?
1474
01:26:45,268 --> 01:26:48,804
- Oh, what are you doing?
- Oh, Mikey, I love you.
1475
01:26:48,904 --> 01:26:51,106
- I love you.
- Thanks, Al, you did good.
1476
01:26:51,206 --> 01:26:52,808
- No problem, Con.
- Hey, good show.
1477
01:26:52,908 --> 01:26:55,244
- ALL: Thanks.
- You need a baritone?
1478
01:26:55,344 --> 01:26:57,045
Yeah, call us when you get out.
1479
01:26:57,280 --> 01:26:59,214
(APPLAUSE)
1480
01:27:10,359 --> 01:27:12,795
Okay, on with the show.
"Mame."
1481
01:27:12,895 --> 01:27:14,497
Top of "corn."
1482
01:27:17,900 --> 01:27:19,968
Hey, what the hell
was that all about?
1483
01:27:21,404 --> 01:27:23,539
Um... the "Guys and
Dolls" tribute.
1484
01:27:23,639 --> 01:27:25,908
Oh, save it, Mary,
what just happened?
1485
01:27:27,009 --> 01:27:28,711
Come on, Connie.
1486
01:27:31,614 --> 01:27:33,882
Let's tell them the truth.
1487
01:27:33,982 --> 01:27:35,884
No more lies.
1488
01:27:42,358 --> 01:27:44,527
(FAINT CHATTER)
1489
01:27:46,629 --> 01:27:49,632
I'm sure you're all wondering
1490
01:27:49,732 --> 01:27:51,567
what the cops and...
1491
01:27:54,269 --> 01:27:55,904
First we owed some money,
1492
01:27:56,004 --> 01:27:57,940
and then we saw something,
1493
01:27:58,040 --> 01:28:00,676
and we've been
hiding for a while
1494
01:28:00,776 --> 01:28:03,278
pretending to be
something that we're not.
1495
01:28:10,018 --> 01:28:11,687
Hey, who saw "Yentl"?
1496
01:28:14,657 --> 01:28:18,193
Barbara Streisand wants
to study the Talmud, right?
1497
01:28:18,293 --> 01:28:19,895
But she can't,
because she's a woman.
1498
01:28:19,995 --> 01:28:22,698
So she pretends to be a man,
1499
01:28:22,798 --> 01:28:25,267
and one thing leads to the next
1500
01:28:25,368 --> 01:28:27,703
and before you know it...
1501
01:28:29,705 --> 01:28:32,975
Everybody believes
that she's a man.
1502
01:28:33,075 --> 01:28:35,411
She has to keep lying.
1503
01:28:35,511 --> 01:28:37,346
Even though she wants
to stop, she can't,
1504
01:28:37,446 --> 01:28:40,349
'cause she has to keep lying to
people that she cares about...
1505
01:28:41,817 --> 01:28:44,052
You know, that have
been really kind.
1506
01:28:47,356 --> 01:28:48,557
Look...
1507
01:28:48,657 --> 01:28:50,659
uh...
1508
01:28:53,596 --> 01:28:55,531
we're women.
(CHUCKLES)
1509
01:28:57,032 --> 01:28:59,402
(SCATTERED LAUGHS)
1510
01:28:59,502 --> 01:29:01,804
No, you don't get it,
we're women.
1511
01:29:02,905 --> 01:29:04,807
(MURMURING)
1512
01:29:08,844 --> 01:29:10,078
(GASPS, SCREAMS)
1513
01:29:12,047 --> 01:29:14,483
- (GROANS)
- (CHUCKLES)
1514
01:29:14,583 --> 01:29:16,485
(GAGS)
1515
01:29:20,088 --> 01:29:23,526
- We're sorry we lied.
- We're so sorry.
1516
01:29:23,626 --> 01:29:25,861
(CROWD BOOING)
1517
01:29:25,961 --> 01:29:29,632
- Go home.
- Get off the stage.
1518
01:29:31,066 --> 01:29:33,101
Let's go back to Chicago.
1519
01:29:33,201 --> 01:29:35,738
The patio door is shut and
our hair is caught in it.
1520
01:29:35,838 --> 01:29:38,306
- I know.
- WOMAN: Excuse me.
1521
01:29:38,507 --> 01:29:40,609
Excuse me, hello?
1522
01:29:43,245 --> 01:29:45,548
Didn't you used to work
at the Slimming Salon?
1523
01:29:45,648 --> 01:29:47,550
Yes.
1524
01:29:47,650 --> 01:29:49,518
Mrs. Morse?
1525
01:29:51,954 --> 01:29:53,656
Well, I don't care what you are,
1526
01:29:53,756 --> 01:29:55,758
you always made me
feel beautiful.
1527
01:29:55,858 --> 01:29:59,928
- (MURMURING) - But we thought you
were men, and you're not really men.
1528
01:30:01,396 --> 01:30:03,231
Oh, honey, who is anymore?
1529
01:30:03,466 --> 01:30:05,000
(LAUGHING)
1530
01:30:05,100 --> 01:30:07,002
(CLAPPING)
1531
01:30:08,671 --> 01:30:10,506
(BOTH GIGGLE)
1532
01:30:10,606 --> 01:30:12,441
I thought something was up.
1533
01:30:12,541 --> 01:30:14,443
- Me too.
- No, you didn't.
1534
01:30:14,543 --> 01:30:17,179
ROBERT: Girls, in an
art form based on
1535
01:30:17,279 --> 01:30:20,148
being true to one's real self,
welcome to your outing.
1536
01:30:27,990 --> 01:30:29,925
- Jeff?
- Connie?
1537
01:30:30,025 --> 01:30:31,527
Oh, great, more drama.
1538
01:30:31,627 --> 01:30:34,329
- You came to my show.
- I love show tunes.
1539
01:30:34,429 --> 01:30:36,131
Hey everybody,
this is my brother Jeff.
1540
01:30:36,231 --> 01:30:38,467
CROWD:
Hi, Jeff.
1541
01:30:39,802 --> 01:30:41,637
Hi...
1542
01:30:41,737 --> 01:30:43,906
You look...
you look different.
1543
01:30:45,708 --> 01:30:47,476
Jeff, I'm a woman.
1544
01:30:47,576 --> 01:30:50,479
(LAUGHS)
Oh, it's an authentic look.
1545
01:30:50,579 --> 01:30:52,615
- Yeah, but...
- No, I mean I'm female.
1546
01:30:52,715 --> 01:30:55,150
We're girls, we were faking it.
It's this long story...
1547
01:30:55,250 --> 01:30:57,786
Please, we've been over that.
1548
01:31:00,088 --> 01:31:01,724
Really.
1549
01:31:09,464 --> 01:31:10,766
Really?
1550
01:31:12,601 --> 01:31:16,038
- Really?
- CROWD: Yes!
1551
01:31:22,778 --> 01:31:24,179
I could get used to that.
1552
01:31:25,881 --> 01:31:28,651
Jeff is the guy?
1553
01:31:28,751 --> 01:31:30,485
Yeah.
1554
01:31:30,586 --> 01:31:33,121
- You're the guy!
- (CHUCKLES)
1555
01:31:33,221 --> 01:31:35,123
Well, get up here
and kiss her, you fool.
1556
01:31:35,223 --> 01:31:37,025
(WHOOPING)
1557
01:31:58,981 --> 01:31:59,982
(WHISTLING)
1558
01:32:12,895 --> 01:32:15,130
- Ooh, the finale.
- CROWD: What?
1559
01:32:15,230 --> 01:32:18,066
- The finale.
- Oh.
1560
01:32:20,168 --> 01:32:22,838
♪ There is nothing ♪
♪ like a dame ♪
1561
01:32:22,938 --> 01:32:25,774
♪ Nothing in the world ♪
1562
01:32:25,874 --> 01:32:28,711
♪ There is nothing ♪
♪ you can name ♪
1563
01:32:28,811 --> 01:32:31,780
♪ That is anything ♪
♪ like a dame ♪
1564
01:32:31,880 --> 01:32:35,483
♪ There are no books ♪
♪ like a dame ♪
1565
01:32:35,584 --> 01:32:38,754
♪ And nothing looks ♪
♪ like a dame ♪
1566
01:32:38,854 --> 01:32:42,758
- ♪ There are no drinks... ♪
- Carla's a big star now.
1567
01:32:42,858 --> 01:32:44,793
And I'm her boyfriend.
1568
01:32:44,893 --> 01:32:48,230
♪ Nothing acts like a dame ♪
1569
01:32:48,330 --> 01:32:51,499
♪ Or attracts like a dame ♪
1570
01:32:51,600 --> 01:32:55,470
♪ There ain't a thing that's ♪
♪ wrong with any man here ♪
1571
01:32:55,570 --> 01:32:58,173
♪ That can't be cured ♪
♪ by putting him near ♪
1572
01:32:58,273 --> 01:33:03,445
♪ A girly, womanly, ♪
♪ female, feminine... ♪
1573
01:33:03,679 --> 01:33:04,780
(CRIES)
1574
01:33:04,880 --> 01:33:09,652
♪ Dame ♪
1575
01:33:09,752 --> 01:33:11,687
(APPLAUSE)
1576
01:33:11,787 --> 01:33:13,321
(BOTH LAUGH)
1577
01:33:22,665 --> 01:33:25,233
(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)